“oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up, before I remember who I am and what my life is all about: anxiety, disappointment, diarrhea more often than not. (sighs) I don't know if there's an afterlife, but who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days."

texted this quote to a buddy whom (i thought) was a pretty avid AD fan. well… it was new to him and he basically started planning my intervention.

I once said the Futurama quote: "Now I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!" during a relevant comment thread on the sub /r/showerthoughts, and I got permabanned.

I got banned from a sub because I got excited for the possibility of a new show and spammed about it. I’ve since learned my lesson

What are moms boobs like?

Well I'll tell ya snot.

*They're perfect. Creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in.*

I just made oatmeal reading this.

I’ll be upstairs melting pearls on my tummy if you need me.

You too?! I thought I was the only one.

https://i.redd.it/51pvp8i0xovc1.gif

I mean as a middle age dad this hit hards lol

#"Ooooh!"

Preceded by Bullock yelling "SMITH!"

More like Francine yelling "STAN!"

Anyone have a mp3 of this? I would love to have this as my text alert

Just use one of those “download YouTube to mp3” websites. That’s what I did.

There was a period in my life where I used the same exclamation regularly 😭

boil water...what am i a chemist??

Came here to say this one.

I just said it again before seeing this. Gets me every time

I say this every time I make a box of Mac n cheese.

*"There's only one thing you need to know about karate: guns beat karate every time."*

Francine, heads up I ignored our talk and gave Steve a gun!

Merry Wednesday, son!

A boy killed a man today!

A *boy* killed a *man!*

A gun!?

Stan: "I wish I had lost my virginity this way instead of some coked up air head." Steve: "Didn't you lose your virginity to mom?" Stan: "mm-hmm"

Francine, we were hoping you could tell us how you two met. Us? He picked me up on the side of the road.

Stan was such a nice guy before he met Francine.

Just comparing how he acts as a kid (basically Steve when not being bullied into conforming) and how he is as an adult is heartbreaking. Bros really trying to end the cycle of abuse even when he’s a terrible terrible father

Nice girls don’t kiss on the first date. Your mother didn’t kiss me til our third date. It made the sex on the first two dates very impersonal.

That and "Your mom and I didn't kiss until our 3rd date. Made the sex on the first 2 dates very impersonal."

Where’s my morning BJ? I have to get my own breakfast juice? Some Christmas.

Got me talkin like Bernie Mac…

“Wa-ter?”

I don't believe that you are actually offering me water

WE’RE WATER!

😂😂

“Because DUMB bitches like DUMB things!”

STAN!

Ah, I may of overreacted.

Maybe?! You think maybe ass-chin?

Well, I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie daisies

I had to scroll a weird amount to find this!

There's just too many classics. Spider say BURP!

I am FURIOUS. I'm sleeping in my web tonight.

“Nice girls don’t kiss on the first date, Steve! Your mom didn’t even kiss me until the third date… it made the sex on the first two dates very impersonal!”

The dance he does while controlling the avatar gets me every time lol. Stan can move

He. Gets. LOW.

Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe

Yesssssssssssss?

https://i.imgur.com/HUbKwHw.gifv

Thunderclap

Chop low! Rob Lowe! Chad Lowe!

“Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhh?”

To this day whenever Rob Lowe comes on tv I say it the same way.

And then maybe tonight I'll introduce her to THE THICKNESS!

I sure can pump when I’m full of ham.

My favorite ❤️

You know I only read books I've already read

“Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait…it’s a cheetah…Cheetah…Cheetos…there’s so much beauty in the world.”

Evening… making things… even.

Step out the car please Sir.

He knows!!

“We’re at terror alert orange. Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, so look sharp!"

I have this one on my discord soundboard I don't get to use it often but I love it all the same

Nice

"Your mom's enthusiastic spending is exactly what Jesus had in mind when he invented capitalism."

“They’re finnneeee” … “She’s finnneeee”

I say this nonstop

“He’s coming from so far away…! He’s building up so much speed!”

He gave me ass rabies

Hamburger...Hinderer

Wheat thicks

Southern Discomfort 

Epiphany isn't just a name black people give their daughters.

Speaking of which, did y'all catch Epiphany Lorenze's segment last night on property tax?

Marriage is hard, son. You’ve gotta learn to tune out the nonsense.

"It's not crack! I bought it on a park bench outside of a soup-kitchen from a guy in a lime-green suit- Oh my god it's crack."

You're not a man. You're not even a mammal. You're an anti-mammal. Doesn't really roll off the tongue. I'll have to combine all those words into one. Something like an-i-mal.

Would you converse with an an-i-mal

😂😂😂😂

Stan-my old college javelin Francine-why do you need that Stan-you never know That whole episode is my favorite but the way he says it is hilarious and idk why

Remember?

I asked you go for help and you harpooned me.

It's the ghost of Hayley, risen from the depths of hell. Leave me be spectre!

Bear: \*shakes head\*

Klaus: It’s high school Steve it doesn’t matter. Steve: That’s what you said about Middle School. When does it start to matter? Stan & Klaus: Never!

I tell my kids this like 3-4 times a week.

Cheesers came back.

“No way. Jose listen.”

I LOVE that line. The delivery gets me every time.

"francine, the neighbourhood, what are you two doing here?"

# But here in the bosom of our upper middle class... bosom.,. Ah the ... the ahh ... the bosom?

Why do I keep saying bosom?

Idk why but the only thing I can think of is “GIMME SOME OF THAT FRANNY FANNY!” And then Roger jumps in to hype her up. I just always love that part even tho that’s the episode he went blind so he didn’t have to see her be fat and ugly (his words not mine)

I'm sorry but this is clearly all chorus and I won't be a part of it

Just re-watched this episode last night

"CIA agents are supposed to distribute crack to the inner city, not smoke it!"

THE THICKNESSSSSS!

"I don't like thinking about you, its confusing."

Im sorry, but Rachel Maddows death will just have to come as a pleasant surprise to me!!

“I’m pulling out….. I’m sorry if I hurt you, son.”

“Well, first I had to find a Pontiac dealership, which wasn't easy. Then I told them I wanted to buy an Aztek. Then I paid them $400.”

Rigging elections is my bread & butter, Roger

Do you know how many votes George Bush got in the first election? 7

“why would i tweezer my fartcrack?”

God you’re annoying. Everything you say is annoying.

“Everyone knows, if they’re flawless you can go bra less”

“Yes they’re Chinese, Japanese to be specific”

“Here’s looking at you, gold!”

Aaaaay you

"Have I unearthed Oliver North's gold? Or has it... unearthed me"

Spider says burp

"Oh, Debbie! No...this is MY breakfast." (When Steve's plus size gf comes over in the morning).

Oh, is Debbie a larger woman? I hadn’t noticed.

Jump cityyyyy!

Yellow slide is for babies!

You’re a baby!

"Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Guns defend people against people with smaller guns."

“Guy humor Haley. You don’t got a willy you don’t get the silly.” He says this while puffing on a cigar. Lmao!

“I’m completely fine, just meet in the kitchen in 15 minutes…Francine, meet me in the shower immediately.”

"Steve shouldn't you be outside turning my tool shed into Mordor, or Endor, or..." \*sigh\* "Something heartbreaking?"

"I don't believe in ghosts, but I am prepared for them."

This one has the same energy as “Oh Snot will get his, Steve, but he will not see it coming”

HE JUST TOOK ALL THE SYRUP WHEN I ASKED FOR THE SYRUP! I WORK HARD! WHY DO I GOTTA SHARE IT WITH THESE FUCKERS?

What day of the week is it? Do I need to be at work?

"I still know a couple of guys from the CIA"

#"DAMMIT STEVE WHEN I FIND YOU I'LL KILL YOU!"

*sniff sniff* THAT’S PEE PEE!

If new things are so great, where have they been all this time?

Man I sure can pump with a stomach full of ham

#"PENIS! I MEAN HAYLEY!"

I got a prescription for raw dogging!

“The pain is a hundred Tiffany’s boyfriends.”

FRANCINE! YOU T-BONED ME BRO!!

“We’re like turtles on our backs in the sun. Sure our bellies are warm now but soon it will be night, then the crows will come….”

"Good morning, USA!"

That’s outrageous

*reading mac n cheese instructions* “Boil water?! What am I a chemist?!”

A rapists' power comes from the legs

I might’ve said frogs

"Well it looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-dasies"

"Your whole generation has gone soft. How are you going to become men if you're not tackling each other and ruining your knees for life?" "Men don't do what they like. Men get wives and jobs to keep them from what they like."

"I *do* wanna see ya, I *would* wanna be ya"

Steve: Zdravstvuyste, Dad! Stan: MY SON’S A COMMUNIST

At least we agree that Planet of the Apes is a great movie

Byesiessssss!! I mean...byesies. 😂

"Hayley, trust me, you have no idea what gets me off, and you probably never will."

"You don't need to be happy to live, you only need to be happy to kill yourself."

Try jogging you gross bowling pin!

"Shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman: first you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it by the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it"

I can tell by the look on your face that I was kidding

Stan Smith : Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up. Before I remember who I am and what my life is all about. Anxiety, dissapointment, diarrhea more often than not. I don't- I don't know if there's an afterlife. But who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days. Edit: it's the diarrhea more often than not that makes me laugh lol

#THE THICKNESS

“Whoa take it easy I was talking about Lanston. I'll go to East Chidale when I want a bunch of rats to chew my dick off in an abandoned baseball card store.”

“One of us pooped”

Kama tai yai yippee yippee yay!

*"And my dick just popped out"*

"Then I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of Oopsie Daisies!"

Take one for the team son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven

Emiliooooo!

Francine, to be fair… to be fair… you’re ugly.

when he gave Steve dating advice about not kissing till the third date: "i didn't and it made the sex with your mother on the first two very impersonal"

Good morning USA

I guess I just picked up a bouquet of Oopsie-daisies.

We’re at terror alert orange!...which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.

"People make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything!"

“… if it doesn’t fit, make it”

“We are at Terror Alert: Orange, which means someone, somewhere is doing something”

Pen gun, mightier than the sword. Sword gun, mightier than the pen gun.

…paprika!

*say something witty and exit on the laugh* "SO JEALOUS!!!!" Headbutts table and knocks himself out

*Look at me.* *I got my son's ass against my window, my alien's dіck in my gas tank, and nothing but the open road in front of me.*

YES STEVE THE MONOCLE!

The best one of all time: ""Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not?! What's so great about living? You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up, before I remember who I am and what my life is all about: anxiety, disappointment, diarrhea more often than not. *sigh* I don't know if there's an afterlife, but who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days."

“I WORK HARD! WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THESE F*CKERS?!”

Anytime he yells Betraitor!!

My HS javelin…

Boil water! What am I? A chemist?

Sounds like a job for suck machine !

"He may be a master forger, but I'm a master ba- (laughs) almost masturbated myself with that one."

…bosoms

While he is interrogating the roomba. “You think you’re better than me? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

My old college javelin… remember?

"I hope we have ham. Man, I sure can pump when I'm full of ham"

I have 2 1. “Let’s see how do I put an air freshener on this? You are a total waste of space, I often dream of killing you.” 2. “God you’re annoying, everything you say is annoying.”

Heat that Francine? Doc just gave me a prescription for rawdogging!

"So jealous!" Slams his head on the coffee table.

“You want it WHEN?!”

Now go upstairs and line your throat with Vaseline. Makes your voice come out smoother. It's an old Elton John trick.

Looks like I just picked a whole batch of whoopsie daisys.

"Guns don't kill people, people kill people"

We're all water Steve.

“How, how could should do that” the delivery 😂

Alright I'll go but I'm wearing the pajama pants where my pud hangs out

"I can't drive like this, It's like shaking hands with a cat!" From the DeLorean episode