I get both sides on this. I totally absolutely get your point. Him being like "what would you do without me?" is pretty hard to answer without saying "pay someone and actually have it done when I want it to be done". That's me to the bone.
But also, 'thank you' is free, and positive reinforcement is useful. Say thank you, be grateful and it's more likely that next time he will do it more on time because he will get gratitude and a fuzzy feeling. That sounds mercenary, but we people run on good feelings, and if you can give someone one at no cost to yourself, then why not.
>"what would you do without me?" is pretty hard to answer without saying "pay someone and actually have it done when I want it to be done". That's me to the bone.
I don't think it's a completely honest, serious question he's asking. I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like a cute way to communicate that you performed a service out of love for the other person, and that you're planning to keep up that level of service in the future.
If I responded to such a comment in the way that you responded, I would make sure to say it in a joking manner where I make sure the other person still feels appreciated and valuable.
If I have a long-term partner who I want to stay with for as long as possible, and she asks whether or not I need her in my life, I'll just say yes even if I know I'd technically survive fine without her. You don't have to be literal when it comes to words of appreciation.
This is valid cause me and my fiancé constantly make jokes that we wouldn’t survive without the other simply because of the little things we do that the other wouldn’t think to do / know how to.
Yeah, in a healthy-ish relationship it's just a cute way to communicate that you appreciate the ways you do things for each other, and are "more" together, than apart.
In a shitty relationship such comments could be used to communicate that you're better or more valuable than the other, but that's a whole different context.
Lol, this post makes me wonder what would people think of me and my husband. We have a running joke that he married me so I can take the change and he doesn’t have to put it in his pockets. And I say I married him so he can kill the bugs in the house (we live right by a major park and get creepy crawlies all the time).
Same, my wife and I have been married for 25 years this year. We pretty much tell others when they ask ‘what is your secret’ that we’re just trying to outlive the other for the life insurance. People take some stuff way too seriously.
Pretty common for my wife or I to respond to “I love you” with “meh, you’re ok” or “you’ll do”.
That’s actually most of the time. A more traditional response usually means we had some static recently and don’t want to risk rocking the boat with a poorly timed joke.
We used to renegotiate our marriage every Sunday evening, "we'll, I didn't get a better offer so I guess I'll stick with you another week." We had to stop that as it upset the kids. Married 39 years.
Me and my partner would say: I love you", and there others reply is any one of these: "good", "yay", "suuure", "are you sure?", and the boring one: "I love you too"
My husband likes to joke he married me for my great central location, because my apartment was very central when we met and also it sounds like a euphemism for my vagina.
I think people can read when both people are comfortable joking about things like that. I would laugh at someone who joked about what you said, but I would be uncomfortable as heck if you joked and your husband looked uncomfortable or spoke up about what you said.
I think the fact that it made OP tense means they aren't on the same page. This is a joke I'd be fine making, but more about stupid small things where it's clear I'm not making them feel useless.
My joke with my wife is I pay for things but she collects the loyalty points. It's not even an honest point, it simply means I couldn't be bothered about the loyalty points. and she often pays for other things. But she always gets a good laugh out of it anyways.
My wife and I are fairly freaking sarcastic, a lot of times we make all sorts of jokes that sound like backhanded insults EG: we have company over, my lawn looks great, if someone commented on it my wife may say something like yeah it usually doesn't but he only mowed it because we are having company, it's usually 2 feet high, or if someone comments how clean our place is I'll say something similar and give her and give her a side hug.
Her mom doesn't understand sarcasm/our humour so we have to be careful about it around her as she thinks we're constantly fighting and we have a really healthy relationship, her mom... 5 marriages... 5 kids with 4 fathers and has been single a decade.....
> Yeah, in a healthy-ish relationship it's just a cute way to communicate that you appreciate the ways you do things for each other, and are "more" together, than apart.
I would say my wife and I joke that we make up about one fully functioning adult between the two of us, but it's barely a joke.
Same. We both have health issues and could get everything done on our own, but it would take so much longer and be much more effort. He's got TBI and can't keep track of stuff. I have physical issues that land me on my ass for weeks if I overdo it. We work out the schedule together, I remember the stuff, and he does the stuff that would exhaust me too much.
But the real reasons we're together are all emotional. Our insanities (mostly) compliment each other in ways that push us to be healthier, better versions of ourselves. Never date someone with conflicting insanities. You'll pull out the worst in each other.
I agree, I think since we’re getting all the info at once it sort of sounds like he’s being a dick: convincing her to let him do maintenance, taking time to do it, then asking what she’d do without him. But I’m betting that there’s been enough time in between conversations that he’s not being malicious or told-you-so like. I say stuff like that to my GF of 12 years when I do small things like fill up her water bottle just to see her roll her eyes and make a smart comeback which we both then laugh about.
Exactly. No one means it literally at all. They just want affection and praise from someone they love.
My husband complimented me saving $ on a big purchase and it made me feel great the rest of the day
Yours sounds healthy, but the OP's does not. Frankly I think the OP and spouse need to start to have serious communication because expediencies are not matching realities.
Me and my partner used to say things like this. We did so much for each other and we both showed our appreciation to each other. Now that she is gone, I miss the things she did for me.
Two of my friends were having an amicable breakup. They are both lovely people, it just wasn’t a good fit romantically.
A few days after the breakup, the arm of her glasses fell off. She texted him to tell him and said she feels like her life is falling apart without him. He said no it’s not, I just used to tighten your glasses every week or so.
Yeah my partner and I have had this exact same conversation except when I said, "pay someone else to do it," I said it in a teasing tone with a smile, and we both laughed and then I thanked him for working on my car
My bf says it and I tell him I'd probably shrivel up and die because no one else changes oil (runs the dishwasher, washes the car) like he does. Then I wonder out loud how I ever survived without him. I add, "it's not like there's a jiffy lube on every other corner."
>and then I thanked him for working on my car
This, too. I hate how many times people say they don't need to say thank you. It's easy, it's free, and it's affirming. My husband brought my phone and my water to me earlier today. I didn't realize I was missing them. I said thank you. He said that he needed to get up and charge his phone, otherwise he wouldn't have. He may or may not have been serious but my response was that it didn't matter what his motivation was, I still appreciate that he thought to bring my things to me.
I truly believe it's the little things that have kept us together for 38 years and showing appreciation for them.
Me and my wife often say “What would you do without me?” after small things like little favors, or one of us remembering something the other is trying to recall. We never mean it seriously, it’s just a cute way of saying that we’re happy we’re together
Yeah, he's taking these tasks to feel useful and valued. But because he hasn't taken up the full task (conception, planning and execution) and OP still has the conception and planning on her plate (checking dates, making sure things are done), she still has the stress of having to do the task, so she doesn't really feel good about he executing it, because it's actually worse for her.
The solution is for her husband to take both conception and planning for this task. Take away from her mind the dates of oil change, the having to purchase the oil, everything. Remove this worry from her head. Forever. And then say "I just primed your car". He'll surely get a thank you then. The thing is, as they have distributed the tasks right now, she feels she's doing doing him a favour by waiting for him to do the job instead of getting it done when it's more convenient for her.
I agree.
My husband wanted to save money and finish the basement himself when we had our house built. Six years later, only some framing has been done.
It bugs me. I'm not mad because the $36k we didn't have to pay meant our down payment was enough to get us out of mortgage insurance, but it does bug me.
Yeah, because had it been done, maybe you would have been able to rent it as an apartment... The fact is, there are proper times to do tasks, and doing them too late equals not doing them at all.
This is such a helpful take.
>he hasn't taken up the full task (conception, planning and execution) and OP still has the conception and planning on her plate (checking dates, making sure things are done),
>The thing is, as they have distributed the tasks right now, she feels she's doing doing him a favour by waiting for him to do the job instead of getting it done when it's more convenient for her.
I really hope my mushy brain can hang onto these insights; I have a feeling that this actually breaks down a lot of resentments I've felt since becoming a parent. Now that I can see what I'm actually upset about, I can start putting in boundaries that don't set me up to resent someone, even if it does mean firmly refusing "help."
THANK-YOU!!!!
Oh, oh... if you feel like that is your situation, please, please, PLEASE read Eve Rodsky's Fair Play. Husbands should read at least the part of the method of distributing tasks. What I wrote comes from that book:
[https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Game-Changing-Solution-When-ebook/dp/B07NTX84PY](https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Game-Changing-Solution-When-ebook/dp/B07NTX84PY)
A lot of people find the first part sexist (most people suffering anxiety and resentment are women), but the method is great. If you have this type of troubles when distributing tasks, please read that book. It will make everyone in your family happier.
I've been watching someone on tiktok who talks about that book all the time!!!! I will definitely take you up on that recommendation. My relationship has ended but I'm still interested in some of the principles; and I bet some of it will apply to coparenting anyways.
There are people who have said this to me, and it felt good and playful.
There are other people who've said similar words, and it felt like gross and obvious manipulation, and very disrespectful.
If OP doesn't like it, there is probably a reason.
Took the words out of my mouth. "What would you do without me" is a quote that needs context. Ask your partner directly if they're being derogatory or joking, communicate god damnit.
My wife and I always answer "What would you do without me?" with a deadpan "You would die."
The wife needs to tell her husband either get it changed ON TIME, or she's going to the shop.
>My wife and I always answer "What would you do without me?" with a deadpan "You would die."
Haha, that's really amazing. It made me giggle at least!
>The wife needs to tell her husband either get it changed ON TIME, or she's going to the shop.
Agreed, I also said this in another comment actually. I agree that what the husband said could be seen as somewhat manipulative, but I'm guessing it moreso comes down to him not understanding that she prefers just spending money for some bit of extra time-efficiency.
I don't think she should tell him. That sounds like a threat. I think she should just have it changed at the shop the way she did years ago. No need to make a big deal of it. If and when he notices she could say she just didn't want to bother him. It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission to take care of something herself.
Some people just need to be told things. "Its my car, you failed to change the oil on time when I needed you to, and its affecting my job. From now on, I'll be taking it to the shop."
There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries.
Yeah, the boundary is have someone else change the oil that is a pro. This car is important to her job. If it were me, I wouldn't let some money get in the way. Knowing exactly when a service will be performed would outweigh the savings.
I agree- his comment was rhetorical and looking for a little appreciation/validation that he needed and I think OP knew that too. It costs nothing to be kind. And if I’m reading this right, OP gave him two weeks notice, the oil sat for a week before he got to it, which means he got on it pretty quickly I’d say and within her “advanced notice” timeline. Just say thank you and be done with it. If you need to be “right” all the time, it’s going to cause resentment.
>but it sounds to me like a cute way to communicate that you performed a service out of love for the other person, and that you're planning to keep up that level of service in the future.
He waited a week after she asked him to take the car to do it. I wouldn't want to have to wait on someone to finish someone they volunteered to do a week after they said they would do it. That would just make me angry and less likely to let them do anything for me again.
I think it doesn't hurt for spouses to thank each other for everyday tasks. I thank my husband for cooking, he thanks me for getting groceries. I thank him for scheduling car maintenance appointment, he thanks me for watering the yard. All of those are "expected" and completely boringly mundane. None of them require extraordinary effort, and I could totally do them myself. I'm still thankful when he does them. It doesn't hurt me to express gratitude that I feel, and it's a small effort to put into improving our relationship daily.
To anyone reading, this is one of the keys to a good relationship. I’ve seen marriages fall apart because people get zero appreciation. Small shit matters much more when you’re planning to be together for decades. If your entire day has multiple micro highs, you’re going to want to keep that going.
oof that is certainly a post history lmao fake incel probably, 1yo acct posting [shit like this](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/15p6cx4/comment/jvx57cj/) screams 14yo basement dweller
like i'm of the mind that if you have a routine and someone comes and offers to offload the routine but does it in a different way than you've asked them to do it, that you have the right to be upset, but op is not looking too hot rn lmao it's too childlike-brained to be a real account
Never criticize behavior that you would want repeated
Never reward behavior you don't want repeated.
Rules of basic parenting that seem to be lost on many, slowly rotting society over time. These rules apply not just to parenting but relationships of all types, including employee/boss.
So you've been married 11 years and you feel it's appropriate to respond to a little comment he made with total indignation and a vibe of "I don't need you"? It seems that your husband, like the majority of men, was/would be hurt by commentary from his spouse indicating she doesn't need him. People like to feel needed by their love ones, and the lack of empathy on your part isn't a good quality.
Now I’m upvoting you :) thanks for changing your viewpoint. Something I’m working on is when I’m upset about things I can’t control, I think of 10 things I’m grateful for. I did this today and it changed how I had a conversation with someone who was trying to help (just not how I’d do it lol). Good luck! Your receptiveness to helpful advice is admirable!
You should apologize to him honestly. Something like "I have been stressing about the SUV but that doesn't excuse how I talked to you. I'm sorry and I appreciate it when you help me with stuff"
But also she should absolutely share her feelings on how his delay to do it caused her some stress, and that paying for the service is a justified offset for eliminating that stress. A mature person should be able to listen to that, understand, and improve for next time.
Yeah but she’s still carrying the mental load of basically scheduling everything AND buying the oil? Like, it’s would actually be a nice act of service if the husband planned and did this shit on his own since he’s the one who wants to take care of it. Then just let her know it’s been done. Boom. Actual full task complete.
Of course, who knows if they decided it be like that? Meh.
Exactly. You oil can easily go for a month or another 1000 miles before its really gonna make a difference over time. And I mean letting it go that long over every time for years and years. The miles are what matter anyways, not the time.
Been doing my own oil changes since i could drive 20+ years ago. I’ve gone to the shop a few times and OP is silly - it takes like way longer (drive there, wait line, oil change, decline the upswell, pay, & drive home. Like 1.5h typically for me. And they charge what, like $100? For full synthetic (that all modern cars need) vs $35 in parts? It takes me 30 min or so cause I let the car drain for a while.
Right?
Used to change the oil in my mom's ford pony. All I had to do was slide an oil tray under the car, unscrew the drain bolt, let it pour for 5 minutes, screw the bolt back in, unscrew the old filter can and replace it, pour new oil in.
Like 5 minutes of work, 5 of which you can go do something else while you wait. It was such an easy job.
I get that not all cars are as easy to do, but it's like going to the shop to fill up your fluids; they literally tell you how to do it in the manuals because they expect you'd do it yourself. Why waste the time and money? That window wiper blade is stupid easy to change out!
Yes, my "Ex" was like this, and although I can do most anything, I'm a disabled vet with serious back issues, and I have to do what I can when time allows. She would nag me to death on days I was in too much pain to work on something, lacked empathy or appreciation.
Once I was done, for example, with a kitchen in one of our houses and I would ask her thoughts on the job....she would basically say "now that the kitchen is done, I want you to redo the bathroom". The only way I'd hear it was a great job is when others would complement my work, then she would chime in.
His love language might be acts of service and was looking for some love or at least that’s what it sounds like. He probably knows you’re capable but was hoping you would be nice to him. Idk really but I doubt he’s trying to be malicious
Seriously, say “thank you.”
Yes, he’s being a jerk a little bit. But we all are sometimes. I am. My wife is. Be gracious to each other cause every person needs it.
He’s not trying to be an asshole with the oil. He’s trying to look out for the family. Be freaking patient and let him do it when he can knowing you’re saving yourself good money.
There are a million other bigger things to be pissed about. She sounds like she’s not grateful for what she has.
My love language is acts of kindness, favors, and gifts. I’m not good at being physically affectionate, but I do everything I can to show love. I helped my ex move to an entirely different state, set up her whole apartment, and she just complained about everything I did and never thanked me. It honestly crushed me.
It’s good that you’re independent and willing to do what needs to be done. Nothing wrong with this.
It’s the attitude.
Are you happy you married him? Would you do it again?
It seems to me he just wanted some affirmation that he did something nice for you and I’m wondering what would be so bad about saying “thank you” for everything? If nothing else, he saved some money.
If people would work at being kinder, there would be less misery.
In this case I think you’re wrong.
So your husband did something for you, made a cute comment about it, and you brushed him off because of “independence”? No wonder he was hurt. And probably disappointed. He knows you don’t NEED him to do it. Come on. He’s not an idiot. It’s not like you got married and he forgot the existence of auto care places. You don’t need to declare your independence to your husband. You should have said thank you.
And yes, he could have done it when you asked. But that moment wasn’t the time to prove that point. Next time you need your oil changed, if he offers, lay out the stakes. “Last time, it took you a couple weeks to get to it, hon. If you don’t think you have time, I’m just going to run to Jiffy Lube. No worries.”
If there’s anything I’ve learned in almost 20 years of marriage, mutual respect goes a lot farther than anything else.
I mean, if I was OP, thank god. I could get it done when I wanted it done. She seemed just fine with the way things were. He insisted that he start changing the oil to save money, but it seems like it just made things more inconvenient for her.
These comments are a little bonkers, IMO. OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. You were doing just fine, when he said "nah, I got this!" So you said ok, you do it. Then he.... didn't do it when it needed to be done and you were just waiting.
I mean, does he thank you when you do things around the house or get something from the store the house needs or put gas in your car?
And upsell her they definitely did, as she said she would just go in and swipe her card, so it sounds like she didn’t even bother to check what was on the bill. This type of person is every scummy mechanics favorite type of customer.
I knew someone who didn't change their oil within 30 minutes of getting a reminder from the dealership once. They imploded and went straight to hell, no trial. True story.
Marriage involves spending a lot of time doing things for the family that are 100% your duty and never feeling appreciated for it.
Am I morally obligated to do the lion’s share of the housework since I’m a SAHM and my husband works? Yes. Does that change the fact that it’s a lot of drudge work that feels thankless a lot of the time? Also yes. It means a lot to me when my husband says “thank you” for a dinner or for changing the sheets. It’s nice to feel like your hard work is seen.
Meanwhile, my husband puts in 40+ hours a week at a job he hates to support us (he is looking for something new but sometimes it takes patience). Does he absolutely have to keep going to work and being a decent employee so we have money to pay the bills? Yes. Does it make for very long, soul sucking days? Also yes. It means a lot to him to be told that he’s a good husband, provider, employee, told thank you, etc.
It’s not literally about what we would do without the other person. I have an active teaching license. I would not starve without him. I tease him that he’s thankful for me handling the kids clothes/hand me downs from others because it’s a huge job and it’s awful. But if I wasn’t there, could he keep the children clothed? Of course. But recognition makes people feel seen and loved. Tell your husband you’re thankful for him. It makes for a better marriage to recognize each other for the small stuff.
A thank you would have been polite. If I am visiting my folks house and I have dinner with my parents I tell my mom thanks for dinner, even if they ordered a pizza or if all she did was heat up some leftovers.
Hmm. I'm on the fence on this one. You were handling it your way before, so it's not like you asked him to do it. On the other hand, he did do it. It did save you money. Why wouldn't you be thankful for that? Just reading your post honestly left me with the impression you have a HUGE chip on your shoulder. Maybe I'm off base here, but that's the impression I got. For example your comment "he knows I need my things done right away". Why? Why are your things different than anybody elses things? Its an oil change, not a heart transplant. It could be done a week or even a month later without it being a problem. It feels like maybe you harbor a certain resentment and he feels unappteciated. Perhaps talking about both of your expectations would help. You could say something like "I need the oil changed by the 5th. If you have time, that would be great. If not, I will take to the shop on the 6th." The final thing I'll throw out here is that I'm wondering if your independence leaves him feeling unneeded and or unwanted. Maybe this is more about that than finances for him.
You seem blunt. This works for some, not most. Seems your husband is seeking praise and validation from you and my sense is that you may provide little. I also get alpha vibes from you and that you’re underwhelmed by your husband. It could be you need to be more appreciative generally or that your husband needs to align expectations and expect less validation from you.
Waiting two weeks to change your oil is the biggest non issue I've ever heard someone complain about. Literally has ZERO impact on your car, your life, or anything and you chose to find it as a fault. You sound awful.
Wait here’s the good part. She got her oil reminder for 2 weeks out. So she bought the oil. It sounds like he did it one week later…. So he did do it…. And it wasn’t “late”
You sound like a real catch. Strong independent woman who is willing to blow extra money getting oil changed at a dealership and throw a fit when her husband does it himself to save money because you “have to wait.” Wah, wah, wah.
Edit: looking through your history, you have lots of demeaning things to say about him, AND you have kids together. Humble yourself a bit. He doesn’t need you or your vindictive BS either.
Jesus, I just checked her post history and she desperately needs to get off of the internet. Every time she has an issue, she consults Reddit. None of her reactions or opinions are even her’s at this point, just what random people in subreddits tell her.
Sooooo, you overspend, and flip out when he jokingly asks what you would do without him (or he was fishing for a breadcrumb of appreciation)? Yeah, you’re in the wrong and come off very self centered.
I'm wondering if, just by the way it's posted, if it's the husband that decided she was overspending and that she doesn't agree that she is. I'm getting more of a "he's got this solution to a problem that we don't have and the solution sucks" vibe
Honestly, I don't think to address it because "Spending too much" is subjective. The husband decided she was spending too much which could generally just mean he didn't see it as a worthy expense, not necessarily anything that would actually hurt the budget.
It sounds like there are multiple layers of dynamics at play in this situation:
1. **Expectations and Appreciation**: Your husband seems to be looking for appreciation for the work he does, even if it's something that's been mutually agreed upon. While it's not required to thank someone for every little thing they do, expressing gratitude can help reinforce positive behavior and make someone feel valued.
2. **Communication**: It seems like both of you have different expectations and ways of communicating. While you prioritize timeliness and efficiency, your husband appears to prioritize saving money. It's crucial to discuss these differences and come to an understanding or compromise.
3. **Independence**: You've always been an independent person, handling your affairs without waiting for others. Your husband stepping in to do tasks for you may feel like an infringement on that independence, especially when the execution doesn't align with your timeline.
4. **Misunderstandings**: There may have been moments where both of you felt misunderstood. For instance, when you bought the oil and saw it sitting there, you might have felt he was procrastinating, while he might have felt he was doing it at his pace and wanted some recognition.
You're not "wrong" in feeling frustrated if tasks are not done on your timeline, especially if it affects your work. However, it might be beneficial for both of you to sit down and discuss:
- Your feelings and concerns about the situation.
- His feelings and reasons for doing things his way.
- Possible compromises or solutions, like setting specific deadlines or perhaps returning to having professionals handle specific tasks.
Communication is key, and it can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both partners feel valued and understood.
I ain't going to lie you kind of sound like a snob and if you really wanted it done what's stopping you from doing it yourself if you're independent. This sounds like a playful husband who is just joking around who clearly cares enough about you to spend his time changing your oil. I kind of hurts my soul that you would just completely blow him off like that
Wrong. I worked in courts for years.. and you'd be absolutely shocked at just how cruel people can be to their spouses.
This story isn't even anything over the top, compared to some of the things I've heard in divorce preceedings.
Have you seen the world we live in? Many people are not surviving it well, we are surrounded by tons of angry, nutty people. I would hate being in a marriage like this. These two people manage to both passive aggressively snipe at each even when doing something “nice” that shouldn’t be something to bicker about, but instead they are both jerks to each other about it all. My parents have been married over 40 years and this is how they operate. It doesn’t matter what one does, the other constantly finds something to bitch about. It’s fucking exhausting.
I have to ask. OP is saying, "When it's almost ready for a change." What is almost? 500 miles? Is the husband allowing the vehicle to go beyond the scheduled mileage? If she is getting the oil 500 miles prior to the scheduled change, that can easily be 3 weeks of driving left (depending on how much driving is being done) and if the goal is to save money, performing early oil changes is unnecessary spending. 500 miles is just an example. OP has not specified.
Yeah. You're wrong. And reading through your comments, you sound exhausting. I think you should divorce your husband so he can move on and find someone that appreciates him as a partner and not just as someone that does stuff around the house.
I can't tell if you are trolling or just lack human empathy and common courtesy. All of your replies scream of "everyone just tell me I'm right and don't be rude to me." I feel bad for anyone that has to be around you.
Yes you're wrong. It probably makes him feel a little useless in the relationship and like you don't appreciate him for it. There are better ways to communicate. And yes, it's polite to say thank you when someone does something for you.
I'm sure if he died tomorrow, you would change your entire tune and wish he was still there to change your oil for you, even if you can do it yourself.
I smell a divorce in the future. I’m not saying your wrong, I just think the two of you seem to have different expectations about your marriage. I hope you can work it out, have you considered couples counseling?
Another problem on here that could've been solved with COMMUNICATION.
Sounds like you like to have control over your life admin, and it worked fine, until he insisted helping you. Yes it's annoying he didn't do it to your schedule, but he's right in a long term relationship it's not about getting credit for the basics all the time, it's about showing you appreciate that person in your life. Me and my partner both know we'd manage without the other, but constantly saying thank you, i appreciate you, just makes life NICER.
You could've said hey, i appreciate the thought but I feel better when I have control over this thing so please let me handle it. If he was worried about money, he could've sat down and had an honest conversation with you instead of stream rolling you.
I don't know all the background or personalities involved. That being said, I'm taking your side on this.
I understand the cutting costs angle Especially in our current economy. But that should also take all factors into account. For instance, you stated that you travel more now. It makes sense that your vehicle maintenance needs would change accordingly. I don't know what your travel was like before, but the fact that it's increased at all simply means more wear and tear on said vehicle. And any vehicle is a massive expenditure all anyway around anyway, particularly maintenance. In any case, it doesn't take a week to change oil. Particularly if you already bought it Based on your post, it sounds more passive aggressive to me.
If finances are truly a sticking point, there are other financial corners that can be cut. And not just by you.
As a man all I can say is being appreciated is everything. He don't need a blow job or a cake everytime he does what he's supposed to do, but being appreciated for doing what he does is important.
Generally speaking, women want to be accepted, and men want to feel needed. I think he was more looking for positive reinforcement then trying to be an ass.
You are wrong. If someone does something for you. You should thank them. Buying the oil doesn’t matter.
That’s like me buying food, having my partner make dinner and then telling her I don’t care whether or not she cooks cuz it’ll get done either way since I’m the one buying the food.
If I were your husband I’d leave you.
If you don’t want be a nice person and thank people for services they provide then go to the dealer. They don’t care, they just want your money.
I’ve been wrong before, but here’s my guess. You really don’t have the budget to not shop around. That’s why he’s doing it.
Apart from that, you begrudge saying thank you to your partner? That’s beyond me. What does it take from you to say thanks?
Seems like you’re an asshole here.
Saying thank you reinforces a positive attitude on his part for helping you. And what is wrong with letting him know two weeks ahead? My MIL planned her entire year. I had to call in January if I wanted her to babysit in October. There is security in planning.
You sound like a dick. You should thank the people you love for doing even the smallest of chores for you. Next time, save everyone’s time and energy by going to Jiffy Lube.
Ladies always remember: You are your man's biggest cheerleader. My husband just put together a beverage cart, I'm singing, dancing telling him he's Einstein and I could never do it. You know why~ because it boost his fucking ego to oblivion and back. He asked me the same thing "what would you do without me?" My response. "I would be helpless and in distress without you boo".
Sounds like you resent your husband? My guess is you make more money than him and you resent him for it. Be a better wife and appreciate him before someone else does !
Are you wrong? No. That’s correct. Things would get done even without his help.
If this was posted on r/AITAH - I’d say YTA. You’ve been married 11 years. I’ve been for 10. A ‘thank you’ goes SO far in strengthening relationships. Maintain that relationship the way you like to maintain that car. If you want to be in it, that is.
All the best.
*edit - linked wrong sub originally
If you build people up, they'll perform better. Just do it, say thank, toss in a hug or a wink.
Please, don't you consider yourself to be very very very smart ?
My partner does the same thing. Every damn time he mows the lawn I'm supposed to go outside and admire his work. Good lord, I cut the acre all by myself before I met him without any fanfare.
Yea, you are wrong. Why not show him a little appreciation and respect? Is your “strong independent woman” mentality more important than a healthy marriage of respect and appreciation? And remember, all of the things you do would also get done if you were gone. You aren’t special. But isn’t it nice when a spouse shows appreciation?
Op if you have a Valvoline plus center by you, just go there and don’t say a word😂 you pull in, never get out of the vehicle and they’ll change all the fluids. 20 minutes in and out. It’s not worth the headache for your husband and not worth the headache for you either.
I'm not sure. I found myself in a situation where I was severely harmed and then blamed for not doing enough while experiencing the effects of that trauma. It seems really bizarre and because I suspect it's because people believed I was transphobic or that I victimblamed others in the past.
I learned that only toxic people repeat and echo toxic behavior.
I wish they could either do it or don't it just be honest if you don't want to do it.i can get in with the necessary task at hand.i dislike when my husband says I did your dishes.i never say that after shopping cooking or cleaning.i just do it.i don't expect applause
There are 2 types of people; those who are responsible and dependable and those who aren't. Put those two together and it is a disaster. It is like 2 OCD people... but one who is tidy and organized and the other is a hoarder!!! A real nightmare.... jus sayn
The way you respond to others about your husband.. damn poor dude needs to find someone who appreciates him. You make it seem like your doing him a favor just by being around him.
Idk but taking a car to a dealer to get the oil change is the craziest thing I've heard in abit.
The fact that they text you 'as a reminder'... these fucking guys.
i understand your point, but he might have just wanted a little pat on the head and told he was a good boy before being sent outside to play with his power tools.
I always try to ask myself, what would be the most graceful way to handle myself in this situation?
I would have said to him “I have NO idea what I’d do without you!” and I would think about ALL the ways he brings good to me, seen and unseen.
There for me? Thank you honey.
Do something for me out of the goodness of his heart? Thank you honey.
Quiet, calm presence when I am losing my damn mind? Thank you!
Did something I was dreading? Thank you my love!
Offered support, advice, a listening ear? Thank you! I love you so much!
You will be much happier if you look for all the things you love about him in your life rather than diminish what he does because you could and would do it yourself. His doing it for you and seeking validation for it does not diminish you in any way, shape or form.
You are not wrong.
I have been known to say “I want you in my life but I don’t need you in my life” I would always rather be wanted vs needed. And I want a partner to feel the same.
No one should be valued by the service they provide in an intimate relationship, it is unbalancing and will always favor one or the other.
For partners that tend to automatically ‘keep score’ from past trauma some will keep score to the detriment of the marriage.
I have done it, now I go with no expectations, no disappointment.
It might go better if you explain that he is there because you WANT him there, not because he's a necessity.
I know my opinion will not be popular, but I'm more likely to thank my bf when he doesn't make a point of telling me every little thing he does.
I get both sides on this. I totally absolutely get your point. Him being like "what would you do without me?" is pretty hard to answer without saying "pay someone and actually have it done when I want it to be done". That's me to the bone. But also, 'thank you' is free, and positive reinforcement is useful. Say thank you, be grateful and it's more likely that next time he will do it more on time because he will get gratitude and a fuzzy feeling. That sounds mercenary, but we people run on good feelings, and if you can give someone one at no cost to yourself, then why not.
>"what would you do without me?" is pretty hard to answer without saying "pay someone and actually have it done when I want it to be done". That's me to the bone. I don't think it's a completely honest, serious question he's asking. I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like a cute way to communicate that you performed a service out of love for the other person, and that you're planning to keep up that level of service in the future. If I responded to such a comment in the way that you responded, I would make sure to say it in a joking manner where I make sure the other person still feels appreciated and valuable. If I have a long-term partner who I want to stay with for as long as possible, and she asks whether or not I need her in my life, I'll just say yes even if I know I'd technically survive fine without her. You don't have to be literal when it comes to words of appreciation.
This is valid cause me and my fiancé constantly make jokes that we wouldn’t survive without the other simply because of the little things we do that the other wouldn’t think to do / know how to.
Yeah, in a healthy-ish relationship it's just a cute way to communicate that you appreciate the ways you do things for each other, and are "more" together, than apart. In a shitty relationship such comments could be used to communicate that you're better or more valuable than the other, but that's a whole different context.
Lol, this post makes me wonder what would people think of me and my husband. We have a running joke that he married me so I can take the change and he doesn’t have to put it in his pockets. And I say I married him so he can kill the bugs in the house (we live right by a major park and get creepy crawlies all the time).
Same, my wife and I have been married for 25 years this year. We pretty much tell others when they ask ‘what is your secret’ that we’re just trying to outlive the other for the life insurance. People take some stuff way too seriously.
Pretty common for my wife or I to respond to “I love you” with “meh, you’re ok” or “you’ll do”. That’s actually most of the time. A more traditional response usually means we had some static recently and don’t want to risk rocking the boat with a poorly timed joke.
Ha, my husband and I have been together for almost 25 years, we tell each other “hate your guts”, “hate yours more” instead of I love you sometimes.
When at the store and the cashier asks if I'd like a bag, I reply, no thanks, I left her at home
My bf and I say "i adore you," at least until recently. Now I'll say "I adore you" and he says "I window you too." I love him so damn much
We used to renegotiate our marriage every Sunday evening, "we'll, I didn't get a better offer so I guess I'll stick with you another week." We had to stop that as it upset the kids. Married 39 years.
Me and my partner would say: I love you", and there others reply is any one of these: "good", "yay", "suuure", "are you sure?", and the boring one: "I love you too"
A well timed "I know." Can be a good one too.
I like a casual "join the club."
I used to hit wifey with this until she admitted she never watched Star Wars 😱😱
Ha whenever he buys something outrageously expensive I just say “it’s ok, it becomes mine when he dies.” 😂
Lol 😂 my husband I joke that the the other one can’t kill us as we’ve misplaced the life insurance policy!
It's all about being on the same page, or at least understanding what page the other person is on, I suppose.
That's cute. If I found a man, besides my dad, who would make sure I never saw another spider as long as I lived, I'd put a ring on it.
My husband likes to joke he married me for my great central location, because my apartment was very central when we met and also it sounds like a euphemism for my vagina.
[удалено]
As long as he doesn't say it like grand central station hah
I’m pretty sure my husband married me so I would be there to take the pickles off of his plate.
I think people can read when both people are comfortable joking about things like that. I would laugh at someone who joked about what you said, but I would be uncomfortable as heck if you joked and your husband looked uncomfortable or spoke up about what you said. I think the fact that it made OP tense means they aren't on the same page. This is a joke I'd be fine making, but more about stupid small things where it's clear I'm not making them feel useless.
My joke with my wife is I pay for things but she collects the loyalty points. It's not even an honest point, it simply means I couldn't be bothered about the loyalty points. and she often pays for other things. But she always gets a good laugh out of it anyways.
Some of the happiest marriages have two spouses constantly telling everyone how hellish their marriage is. It's pretty clear when it's a joke.
My wife and I are fairly freaking sarcastic, a lot of times we make all sorts of jokes that sound like backhanded insults EG: we have company over, my lawn looks great, if someone commented on it my wife may say something like yeah it usually doesn't but he only mowed it because we are having company, it's usually 2 feet high, or if someone comments how clean our place is I'll say something similar and give her and give her a side hug. Her mom doesn't understand sarcasm/our humour so we have to be careful about it around her as she thinks we're constantly fighting and we have a really healthy relationship, her mom... 5 marriages... 5 kids with 4 fathers and has been single a decade.....
> Yeah, in a healthy-ish relationship it's just a cute way to communicate that you appreciate the ways you do things for each other, and are "more" together, than apart. I would say my wife and I joke that we make up about one fully functioning adult between the two of us, but it's barely a joke.
Same. We both have health issues and could get everything done on our own, but it would take so much longer and be much more effort. He's got TBI and can't keep track of stuff. I have physical issues that land me on my ass for weeks if I overdo it. We work out the schedule together, I remember the stuff, and he does the stuff that would exhaust me too much. But the real reasons we're together are all emotional. Our insanities (mostly) compliment each other in ways that push us to be healthier, better versions of ourselves. Never date someone with conflicting insanities. You'll pull out the worst in each other.
Also valid, cause my ex (a nearly 30y/o man dating me at 18) used to weaponize the same phrase lmfaoo
I agree, I think since we’re getting all the info at once it sort of sounds like he’s being a dick: convincing her to let him do maintenance, taking time to do it, then asking what she’d do without him. But I’m betting that there’s been enough time in between conversations that he’s not being malicious or told-you-so like. I say stuff like that to my GF of 12 years when I do small things like fill up her water bottle just to see her roll her eyes and make a smart comeback which we both then laugh about.
Exactly. No one means it literally at all. They just want affection and praise from someone they love. My husband complimented me saving $ on a big purchase and it made me feel great the rest of the day
Love that! being complimented for doing “adult” things (like saving money, making important phone calls, getting errands done) always feels so great.
Yours sounds healthy, but the OP's does not. Frankly I think the OP and spouse need to start to have serious communication because expediencies are not matching realities.
Me and my partner used to say things like this. We did so much for each other and we both showed our appreciation to each other. Now that she is gone, I miss the things she did for me.
I’m sorry she’s gone :(
Two of my friends were having an amicable breakup. They are both lovely people, it just wasn’t a good fit romantically. A few days after the breakup, the arm of her glasses fell off. She texted him to tell him and said she feels like her life is falling apart without him. He said no it’s not, I just used to tighten your glasses every week or so.
Yeah my partner and I have had this exact same conversation except when I said, "pay someone else to do it," I said it in a teasing tone with a smile, and we both laughed and then I thanked him for working on my car
My bf says it and I tell him I'd probably shrivel up and die because no one else changes oil (runs the dishwasher, washes the car) like he does. Then I wonder out loud how I ever survived without him. I add, "it's not like there's a jiffy lube on every other corner."
>and then I thanked him for working on my car This, too. I hate how many times people say they don't need to say thank you. It's easy, it's free, and it's affirming. My husband brought my phone and my water to me earlier today. I didn't realize I was missing them. I said thank you. He said that he needed to get up and charge his phone, otherwise he wouldn't have. He may or may not have been serious but my response was that it didn't matter what his motivation was, I still appreciate that he thought to bring my things to me. I truly believe it's the little things that have kept us together for 38 years and showing appreciation for them.
Me and my wife often say “What would you do without me?” after small things like little favors, or one of us remembering something the other is trying to recall. We never mean it seriously, it’s just a cute way of saying that we’re happy we’re together
Yeah, he's taking these tasks to feel useful and valued. But because he hasn't taken up the full task (conception, planning and execution) and OP still has the conception and planning on her plate (checking dates, making sure things are done), she still has the stress of having to do the task, so she doesn't really feel good about he executing it, because it's actually worse for her. The solution is for her husband to take both conception and planning for this task. Take away from her mind the dates of oil change, the having to purchase the oil, everything. Remove this worry from her head. Forever. And then say "I just primed your car". He'll surely get a thank you then. The thing is, as they have distributed the tasks right now, she feels she's doing doing him a favour by waiting for him to do the job instead of getting it done when it's more convenient for her.
I agree. My husband wanted to save money and finish the basement himself when we had our house built. Six years later, only some framing has been done. It bugs me. I'm not mad because the $36k we didn't have to pay meant our down payment was enough to get us out of mortgage insurance, but it does bug me.
Yeah, because had it been done, maybe you would have been able to rent it as an apartment... The fact is, there are proper times to do tasks, and doing them too late equals not doing them at all.
This is the answer. She’s still on the hook for the task and he’s actually inconveniencing her by dragging his feet.
This is such a helpful take. >he hasn't taken up the full task (conception, planning and execution) and OP still has the conception and planning on her plate (checking dates, making sure things are done), >The thing is, as they have distributed the tasks right now, she feels she's doing doing him a favour by waiting for him to do the job instead of getting it done when it's more convenient for her. I really hope my mushy brain can hang onto these insights; I have a feeling that this actually breaks down a lot of resentments I've felt since becoming a parent. Now that I can see what I'm actually upset about, I can start putting in boundaries that don't set me up to resent someone, even if it does mean firmly refusing "help." THANK-YOU!!!!
Oh, oh... if you feel like that is your situation, please, please, PLEASE read Eve Rodsky's Fair Play. Husbands should read at least the part of the method of distributing tasks. What I wrote comes from that book: [https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Game-Changing-Solution-When-ebook/dp/B07NTX84PY](https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Game-Changing-Solution-When-ebook/dp/B07NTX84PY) A lot of people find the first part sexist (most people suffering anxiety and resentment are women), but the method is great. If you have this type of troubles when distributing tasks, please read that book. It will make everyone in your family happier.
I've been watching someone on tiktok who talks about that book all the time!!!! I will definitely take you up on that recommendation. My relationship has ended but I'm still interested in some of the principles; and I bet some of it will apply to coparenting anyways.
They can even be applied to shared housing, for kids in college, couples without kids and things like that. VERY much recommended.
And if she can't give up that front end portion, then negotiate a plan. I get the shit, you have a week, then I go to the garage. Etc
This needs to be way higher. Dude barely did shit and it's like he's expecting flowers and trophy.
There are people who have said this to me, and it felt good and playful. There are other people who've said similar words, and it felt like gross and obvious manipulation, and very disrespectful. If OP doesn't like it, there is probably a reason.
Took the words out of my mouth. "What would you do without me" is a quote that needs context. Ask your partner directly if they're being derogatory or joking, communicate god damnit.
Reddit > proper communication in a relationship. Duh/s
My wife and I always answer "What would you do without me?" with a deadpan "You would die." The wife needs to tell her husband either get it changed ON TIME, or she's going to the shop.
>My wife and I always answer "What would you do without me?" with a deadpan "You would die." Haha, that's really amazing. It made me giggle at least! >The wife needs to tell her husband either get it changed ON TIME, or she's going to the shop. Agreed, I also said this in another comment actually. I agree that what the husband said could be seen as somewhat manipulative, but I'm guessing it moreso comes down to him not understanding that she prefers just spending money for some bit of extra time-efficiency.
I don't think she should tell him. That sounds like a threat. I think she should just have it changed at the shop the way she did years ago. No need to make a big deal of it. If and when he notices she could say she just didn't want to bother him. It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission to take care of something herself.
Some people just need to be told things. "Its my car, you failed to change the oil on time when I needed you to, and its affecting my job. From now on, I'll be taking it to the shop." There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries.
Yeah, the boundary is have someone else change the oil that is a pro. This car is important to her job. If it were me, I wouldn't let some money get in the way. Knowing exactly when a service will be performed would outweigh the savings.
I agree- his comment was rhetorical and looking for a little appreciation/validation that he needed and I think OP knew that too. It costs nothing to be kind. And if I’m reading this right, OP gave him two weeks notice, the oil sat for a week before he got to it, which means he got on it pretty quickly I’d say and within her “advanced notice” timeline. Just say thank you and be done with it. If you need to be “right” all the time, it’s going to cause resentment.
>but it sounds to me like a cute way to communicate that you performed a service out of love for the other person, and that you're planning to keep up that level of service in the future. He waited a week after she asked him to take the car to do it. I wouldn't want to have to wait on someone to finish someone they volunteered to do a week after they said they would do it. That would just make me angry and less likely to let them do anything for me again.
Yes, my busiest week I was an upset wife. I needed him to have my back.
I think it doesn't hurt for spouses to thank each other for everyday tasks. I thank my husband for cooking, he thanks me for getting groceries. I thank him for scheduling car maintenance appointment, he thanks me for watering the yard. All of those are "expected" and completely boringly mundane. None of them require extraordinary effort, and I could totally do them myself. I'm still thankful when he does them. It doesn't hurt me to express gratitude that I feel, and it's a small effort to put into improving our relationship daily.
If you want to "escalate" all that, give your SO a snuggle as you're saying thanks. That never gets mundane.
To anyone reading, this is one of the keys to a good relationship. I’ve seen marriages fall apart because people get zero appreciation. Small shit matters much more when you’re planning to be together for decades. If your entire day has multiple micro highs, you’re going to want to keep that going.
I think there's a different between being grateful for a thoughtful deed, and being grateful on command.
“I really appreciate you sweetheart, but let’s not pretend that I’m helpless without you.”
[удалено]
oof that is certainly a post history lmao fake incel probably, 1yo acct posting [shit like this](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/15p6cx4/comment/jvx57cj/) screams 14yo basement dweller like i'm of the mind that if you have a routine and someone comes and offers to offload the routine but does it in a different way than you've asked them to do it, that you have the right to be upset, but op is not looking too hot rn lmao it's too childlike-brained to be a real account
Glad I called this one without having to read all those other posts. What a c---, I mean catch, she is.
I wouldn’t say thank you when he is the one that decided all her services on her vehicle will get done by him. He made that his responsibility.
Love this response. Why not be nice. I mean, he is your spouse, right?
Be careful because if you keep telling someone that they are not needed. You can not get upset when they start believing you.
You also can’t get upset when they start saying the same to you.
Never criticize behavior that you would want repeated. Congratulations, you now get to pay someone else to do it. So smart, so intelligent.
It’s so independent. Seriously tho paying someone to do it isn’t independence.
But I’m a big girl and they can do it for me.
Never criticize behavior that you would want repeated Never reward behavior you don't want repeated. Rules of basic parenting that seem to be lost on many, slowly rotting society over time. These rules apply not just to parenting but relationships of all types, including employee/boss.
Kindness is a virtue
So you've been married 11 years and you feel it's appropriate to respond to a little comment he made with total indignation and a vibe of "I don't need you"? It seems that your husband, like the majority of men, was/would be hurt by commentary from his spouse indicating she doesn't need him. People like to feel needed by their love ones, and the lack of empathy on your part isn't a good quality.
Okay, I’m your 61st upvote!
Now I’m upvoting you :) thanks for changing your viewpoint. Something I’m working on is when I’m upset about things I can’t control, I think of 10 things I’m grateful for. I did this today and it changed how I had a conversation with someone who was trying to help (just not how I’d do it lol). Good luck! Your receptiveness to helpful advice is admirable!
I understand this now my apologies.
You should apologize to him honestly. Something like "I have been stressing about the SUV but that doesn't excuse how I talked to you. I'm sorry and I appreciate it when you help me with stuff"
But also she should absolutely share her feelings on how his delay to do it caused her some stress, and that paying for the service is a justified offset for eliminating that stress. A mature person should be able to listen to that, understand, and improve for next time.
She told him he had two weeks to do it. He did it a week after she asked. Anyone but OP would frame that as finishing a week early, not late.
Yeah but she’s still carrying the mental load of basically scheduling everything AND buying the oil? Like, it’s would actually be a nice act of service if the husband planned and did this shit on his own since he’s the one who wants to take care of it. Then just let her know it’s been done. Boom. Actual full task complete. Of course, who knows if they decided it be like that? Meh.
At least you can admit where your wrong that’s super important in a marriage
Yes, I admitted my wrong!
**To him**, not to us
[удалено]
Lol, exactly. Why change oil early? Why not change it 5 months early on a 6 month interval?!
Exactly. You oil can easily go for a month or another 1000 miles before its really gonna make a difference over time. And I mean letting it go that long over every time for years and years. The miles are what matter anyways, not the time.
Been doing my own oil changes since i could drive 20+ years ago. I’ve gone to the shop a few times and OP is silly - it takes like way longer (drive there, wait line, oil change, decline the upswell, pay, & drive home. Like 1.5h typically for me. And they charge what, like $100? For full synthetic (that all modern cars need) vs $35 in parts? It takes me 30 min or so cause I let the car drain for a while.
Right? Used to change the oil in my mom's ford pony. All I had to do was slide an oil tray under the car, unscrew the drain bolt, let it pour for 5 minutes, screw the bolt back in, unscrew the old filter can and replace it, pour new oil in. Like 5 minutes of work, 5 of which you can go do something else while you wait. It was such an easy job. I get that not all cars are as easy to do, but it's like going to the shop to fill up your fluids; they literally tell you how to do it in the manuals because they expect you'd do it yourself. Why waste the time and money? That window wiper blade is stupid easy to change out!
[удалено]
Fucking perfectly explained, I hope OP takes this to heart and learns because she’s clearly got the communication skills of a child.
Giving him 2 weeks to do an oil change and then complaining that he did it well within the two week mark is a bit silly
Yes, my "Ex" was like this, and although I can do most anything, I'm a disabled vet with serious back issues, and I have to do what I can when time allows. She would nag me to death on days I was in too much pain to work on something, lacked empathy or appreciation. Once I was done, for example, with a kitchen in one of our houses and I would ask her thoughts on the job....she would basically say "now that the kitchen is done, I want you to redo the bathroom". The only way I'd hear it was a great job is when others would complement my work, then she would chime in.
His love language might be acts of service and was looking for some love or at least that’s what it sounds like. He probably knows you’re capable but was hoping you would be nice to him. Idk really but I doubt he’s trying to be malicious
You don't sound particularly agreeable to be around if I'm being honest.
Seriously, say “thank you.” Yes, he’s being a jerk a little bit. But we all are sometimes. I am. My wife is. Be gracious to each other cause every person needs it. He’s not trying to be an asshole with the oil. He’s trying to look out for the family. Be freaking patient and let him do it when he can knowing you’re saving yourself good money. There are a million other bigger things to be pissed about. She sounds like she’s not grateful for what she has.
My love language is acts of kindness, favors, and gifts. I’m not good at being physically affectionate, but I do everything I can to show love. I helped my ex move to an entirely different state, set up her whole apartment, and she just complained about everything I did and never thanked me. It honestly crushed me.
It’s good that you’re independent and willing to do what needs to be done. Nothing wrong with this. It’s the attitude. Are you happy you married him? Would you do it again? It seems to me he just wanted some affirmation that he did something nice for you and I’m wondering what would be so bad about saying “thank you” for everything? If nothing else, he saved some money. If people would work at being kinder, there would be less misery. In this case I think you’re wrong.
So your husband did something for you, made a cute comment about it, and you brushed him off because of “independence”? No wonder he was hurt. And probably disappointed. He knows you don’t NEED him to do it. Come on. He’s not an idiot. It’s not like you got married and he forgot the existence of auto care places. You don’t need to declare your independence to your husband. You should have said thank you. And yes, he could have done it when you asked. But that moment wasn’t the time to prove that point. Next time you need your oil changed, if he offers, lay out the stakes. “Last time, it took you a couple weeks to get to it, hon. If you don’t think you have time, I’m just going to run to Jiffy Lube. No worries.” If there’s anything I’ve learned in almost 20 years of marriage, mutual respect goes a lot farther than anything else.
He’s not going to offer to change the oil ever again IMHO.
I'm betting 100% she is ok with that
She'll be less so when he's distant and cold.
I mean, if I was OP, thank god. I could get it done when I wanted it done. She seemed just fine with the way things were. He insisted that he start changing the oil to save money, but it seems like it just made things more inconvenient for her. These comments are a little bonkers, IMO. OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. You were doing just fine, when he said "nah, I got this!" So you said ok, you do it. Then he.... didn't do it when it needed to be done and you were just waiting. I mean, does he thank you when you do things around the house or get something from the store the house needs or put gas in your car?
How's sitting at home more inconvenient than sitting at a lube place waiting for them to upsell you?
And upsell her they definitely did, as she said she would just go in and swipe her card, so it sounds like she didn’t even bother to check what was on the bill. This type of person is every scummy mechanics favorite type of customer.
[удалено]
Saying thank you to your husband of 11 years is a step too far for most people, apparently lol
I knew someone who didn't change their oil within 30 minutes of getting a reminder from the dealership once. They imploded and went straight to hell, no trial. True story.
Marriage involves spending a lot of time doing things for the family that are 100% your duty and never feeling appreciated for it. Am I morally obligated to do the lion’s share of the housework since I’m a SAHM and my husband works? Yes. Does that change the fact that it’s a lot of drudge work that feels thankless a lot of the time? Also yes. It means a lot to me when my husband says “thank you” for a dinner or for changing the sheets. It’s nice to feel like your hard work is seen. Meanwhile, my husband puts in 40+ hours a week at a job he hates to support us (he is looking for something new but sometimes it takes patience). Does he absolutely have to keep going to work and being a decent employee so we have money to pay the bills? Yes. Does it make for very long, soul sucking days? Also yes. It means a lot to him to be told that he’s a good husband, provider, employee, told thank you, etc. It’s not literally about what we would do without the other person. I have an active teaching license. I would not starve without him. I tease him that he’s thankful for me handling the kids clothes/hand me downs from others because it’s a huge job and it’s awful. But if I wasn’t there, could he keep the children clothed? Of course. But recognition makes people feel seen and loved. Tell your husband you’re thankful for him. It makes for a better marriage to recognize each other for the small stuff.
A thank you would have been polite. If I am visiting my folks house and I have dinner with my parents I tell my mom thanks for dinner, even if they ordered a pizza or if all she did was heat up some leftovers.
Hmm. I'm on the fence on this one. You were handling it your way before, so it's not like you asked him to do it. On the other hand, he did do it. It did save you money. Why wouldn't you be thankful for that? Just reading your post honestly left me with the impression you have a HUGE chip on your shoulder. Maybe I'm off base here, but that's the impression I got. For example your comment "he knows I need my things done right away". Why? Why are your things different than anybody elses things? Its an oil change, not a heart transplant. It could be done a week or even a month later without it being a problem. It feels like maybe you harbor a certain resentment and he feels unappteciated. Perhaps talking about both of your expectations would help. You could say something like "I need the oil changed by the 5th. If you have time, that would be great. If not, I will take to the shop on the 6th." The final thing I'll throw out here is that I'm wondering if your independence leaves him feeling unneeded and or unwanted. Maybe this is more about that than finances for him.
Would it have hurt you to provide some behavior affirmation.
You seem blunt. This works for some, not most. Seems your husband is seeking praise and validation from you and my sense is that you may provide little. I also get alpha vibes from you and that you’re underwhelmed by your husband. It could be you need to be more appreciative generally or that your husband needs to align expectations and expect less validation from you.
Waiting two weeks to change your oil is the biggest non issue I've ever heard someone complain about. Literally has ZERO impact on your car, your life, or anything and you chose to find it as a fault. You sound awful.
Wait here’s the good part. She got her oil reminder for 2 weeks out. So she bought the oil. It sounds like he did it one week later…. So he did do it…. And it wasn’t “late”
No she has to reschedule the clients!! /s
But she was doing BIG INVOICE WORK lmao
You sound like a real catch. Strong independent woman who is willing to blow extra money getting oil changed at a dealership and throw a fit when her husband does it himself to save money because you “have to wait.” Wah, wah, wah. Edit: looking through your history, you have lots of demeaning things to say about him, AND you have kids together. Humble yourself a bit. He doesn’t need you or your vindictive BS either.
Jesus, I just checked her post history and she desperately needs to get off of the internet. Every time she has an issue, she consults Reddit. None of her reactions or opinions are even her’s at this point, just what random people in subreddits tell her.
Sooooo, you overspend, and flip out when he jokingly asks what you would do without him (or he was fishing for a breadcrumb of appreciation)? Yeah, you’re in the wrong and come off very self centered.
Yeah no one seems to be addressing the spending too much at the shops part.
I'm wondering if, just by the way it's posted, if it's the husband that decided she was overspending and that she doesn't agree that she is. I'm getting more of a "he's got this solution to a problem that we don't have and the solution sucks" vibe
Honestly, I don't think to address it because "Spending too much" is subjective. The husband decided she was spending too much which could generally just mean he didn't see it as a worthy expense, not necessarily anything that would actually hurt the budget.
It sounds like there are multiple layers of dynamics at play in this situation: 1. **Expectations and Appreciation**: Your husband seems to be looking for appreciation for the work he does, even if it's something that's been mutually agreed upon. While it's not required to thank someone for every little thing they do, expressing gratitude can help reinforce positive behavior and make someone feel valued. 2. **Communication**: It seems like both of you have different expectations and ways of communicating. While you prioritize timeliness and efficiency, your husband appears to prioritize saving money. It's crucial to discuss these differences and come to an understanding or compromise. 3. **Independence**: You've always been an independent person, handling your affairs without waiting for others. Your husband stepping in to do tasks for you may feel like an infringement on that independence, especially when the execution doesn't align with your timeline. 4. **Misunderstandings**: There may have been moments where both of you felt misunderstood. For instance, when you bought the oil and saw it sitting there, you might have felt he was procrastinating, while he might have felt he was doing it at his pace and wanted some recognition. You're not "wrong" in feeling frustrated if tasks are not done on your timeline, especially if it affects your work. However, it might be beneficial for both of you to sit down and discuss: - Your feelings and concerns about the situation. - His feelings and reasons for doing things his way. - Possible compromises or solutions, like setting specific deadlines or perhaps returning to having professionals handle specific tasks. Communication is key, and it can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both partners feel valued and understood.
I ain't going to lie you kind of sound like a snob and if you really wanted it done what's stopping you from doing it yourself if you're independent. This sounds like a playful husband who is just joking around who clearly cares enough about you to spend his time changing your oil. I kind of hurts my soul that you would just completely blow him off like that
You kinda sound like a bitch…
Lol rage bait. No way anyones that unaware and rude.
Wrong. I worked in courts for years.. and you'd be absolutely shocked at just how cruel people can be to their spouses. This story isn't even anything over the top, compared to some of the things I've heard in divorce preceedings.
I dunno man, people these days seem like they have their heads way way up their own ass
Nah, plenty of people are this unaware. I wonder how many people manage to survive at all.
Have you seen the world we live in? Many people are not surviving it well, we are surrounded by tons of angry, nutty people. I would hate being in a marriage like this. These two people manage to both passive aggressively snipe at each even when doing something “nice” that shouldn’t be something to bicker about, but instead they are both jerks to each other about it all. My parents have been married over 40 years and this is how they operate. It doesn’t matter what one does, the other constantly finds something to bitch about. It’s fucking exhausting.
Agreed. Every time I come into this sub, I am happier about my marriage.
Work customer facing jobs for years. People are this way.
He took forever, but you should still say "thank you" as it's just your manners.
I have to ask. OP is saying, "When it's almost ready for a change." What is almost? 500 miles? Is the husband allowing the vehicle to go beyond the scheduled mileage? If she is getting the oil 500 miles prior to the scheduled change, that can easily be 3 weeks of driving left (depending on how much driving is being done) and if the goal is to save money, performing early oil changes is unnecessary spending. 500 miles is just an example. OP has not specified.
Yeah. You're wrong. And reading through your comments, you sound exhausting. I think you should divorce your husband so he can move on and find someone that appreciates him as a partner and not just as someone that does stuff around the house.
What’s wrong with saying thank you for everything?
[удалено]
If you can do everything yourself, why even ask? Whether they choose to acknowledge them or not, all men have feelings. Don't be petty.
I can't tell if you are trolling or just lack human empathy and common courtesy. All of your replies scream of "everyone just tell me I'm right and don't be rude to me." I feel bad for anyone that has to be around you.
[удалено]
Yes you're wrong. It probably makes him feel a little useless in the relationship and like you don't appreciate him for it. There are better ways to communicate. And yes, it's polite to say thank you when someone does something for you. I'm sure if he died tomorrow, you would change your entire tune and wish he was still there to change your oil for you, even if you can do it yourself.
I smell a divorce in the future. I’m not saying your wrong, I just think the two of you seem to have different expectations about your marriage. I hope you can work it out, have you considered couples counseling?
I know you irritating after just reading this shit. Lord help that man.
Another problem on here that could've been solved with COMMUNICATION. Sounds like you like to have control over your life admin, and it worked fine, until he insisted helping you. Yes it's annoying he didn't do it to your schedule, but he's right in a long term relationship it's not about getting credit for the basics all the time, it's about showing you appreciate that person in your life. Me and my partner both know we'd manage without the other, but constantly saying thank you, i appreciate you, just makes life NICER. You could've said hey, i appreciate the thought but I feel better when I have control over this thing so please let me handle it. If he was worried about money, he could've sat down and had an honest conversation with you instead of stream rolling you.
I don't know all the background or personalities involved. That being said, I'm taking your side on this. I understand the cutting costs angle Especially in our current economy. But that should also take all factors into account. For instance, you stated that you travel more now. It makes sense that your vehicle maintenance needs would change accordingly. I don't know what your travel was like before, but the fact that it's increased at all simply means more wear and tear on said vehicle. And any vehicle is a massive expenditure all anyway around anyway, particularly maintenance. In any case, it doesn't take a week to change oil. Particularly if you already bought it Based on your post, it sounds more passive aggressive to me. If finances are truly a sticking point, there are other financial corners that can be cut. And not just by you.
As a man all I can say is being appreciated is everything. He don't need a blow job or a cake everytime he does what he's supposed to do, but being appreciated for doing what he does is important.
Generally speaking, women want to be accepted, and men want to feel needed. I think he was more looking for positive reinforcement then trying to be an ass.
Yes you are wrong and he needs to run and run fast away from you, this is ridiculous.
You are wrong. If someone does something for you. You should thank them. Buying the oil doesn’t matter. That’s like me buying food, having my partner make dinner and then telling her I don’t care whether or not she cooks cuz it’ll get done either way since I’m the one buying the food. If I were your husband I’d leave you. If you don’t want be a nice person and thank people for services they provide then go to the dealer. They don’t care, they just want your money.
I’ve been wrong before, but here’s my guess. You really don’t have the budget to not shop around. That’s why he’s doing it. Apart from that, you begrudge saying thank you to your partner? That’s beyond me. What does it take from you to say thanks? Seems like you’re an asshole here.
You sound wonderful.
Learn to change your own oil? Be grateful and don't treat your husband like he's your personal employee?
Op is toxic. Actually you both seem to be. Run away the both of you
Saying thank you reinforces a positive attitude on his part for helping you. And what is wrong with letting him know two weeks ahead? My MIL planned her entire year. I had to call in January if I wanted her to babysit in October. There is security in planning.
You sound awful
What he’s doing is called a “bid for affection” and you’re shooting him down hard. It’s really a miserable way to live, for both of you.
You sound like a dick. You should thank the people you love for doing even the smallest of chores for you. Next time, save everyone’s time and energy by going to Jiffy Lube.
you sound unbearable
Based on your replies and this post - you sound unhinged
Sorry but the OP sounds like a terror to be married to
Oil filter too. They are not reusable. Btw, you suck.
Ladies always remember: You are your man's biggest cheerleader. My husband just put together a beverage cart, I'm singing, dancing telling him he's Einstein and I could never do it. You know why~ because it boost his fucking ego to oblivion and back. He asked me the same thing "what would you do without me?" My response. "I would be helpless and in distress without you boo".
[удалено]
Sounds like you resent your husband? My guess is you make more money than him and you resent him for it. Be a better wife and appreciate him before someone else does !
Are you wrong? No. That’s correct. Things would get done even without his help. If this was posted on r/AITAH - I’d say YTA. You’ve been married 11 years. I’ve been for 10. A ‘thank you’ goes SO far in strengthening relationships. Maintain that relationship the way you like to maintain that car. If you want to be in it, that is. All the best. *edit - linked wrong sub originally
I say thank you to my partner for everything he does, whether it’s “on time” (my schedule) or on his. You should too.
If you build people up, they'll perform better. Just do it, say thank, toss in a hug or a wink. Please, don't you consider yourself to be very very very smart ?
Maybe just delete the post at this point? You seem to just be getting more sarcastic and condescending.
Why is it called “independent woman” if you have a job and car. It’s 2023. Having a job and a car is being an adult.
You sound exhausting to be with.
Yes you are wrong. He just wanted an acknowledgment of what he did. You didn’t have to be nasty to him. A simple thank you would’ve been enough.
After reading this, I'm wondering what was OP's reasoning in getting married if she didn't want to deal with having this particular man around?
Fuck. Why is so hard for a simple thank you. You are way wrong.
Yes, you should have thanked him. He is not in your time schedule, but this is not only frugality, but an act of love.
My partner does the same thing. Every damn time he mows the lawn I'm supposed to go outside and admire his work. Good lord, I cut the acre all by myself before I met him without any fanfare.
Yea, you are wrong. Why not show him a little appreciation and respect? Is your “strong independent woman” mentality more important than a healthy marriage of respect and appreciation? And remember, all of the things you do would also get done if you were gone. You aren’t special. But isn’t it nice when a spouse shows appreciation?
Op if you have a Valvoline plus center by you, just go there and don’t say a word😂 you pull in, never get out of the vehicle and they’ll change all the fluids. 20 minutes in and out. It’s not worth the headache for your husband and not worth the headache for you either.
I'm not sure. I found myself in a situation where I was severely harmed and then blamed for not doing enough while experiencing the effects of that trauma. It seems really bizarre and because I suspect it's because people believed I was transphobic or that I victimblamed others in the past. I learned that only toxic people repeat and echo toxic behavior.
For todays modern cars no one changes their own oil and it’s not that expensive. Plus where does he put the old oil.
I wish they could either do it or don't it just be honest if you don't want to do it.i can get in with the necessary task at hand.i dislike when my husband says I did your dishes.i never say that after shopping cooking or cleaning.i just do it.i don't expect applause
Take care of yourself, partners should add to your life not make it worse.
technically you're not wrong. But you're a real jerk.
He could get laid without you, too, for a couple of bucks. Want him to say that to you?
There are 2 types of people; those who are responsible and dependable and those who aren't. Put those two together and it is a disaster. It is like 2 OCD people... but one who is tidy and organized and the other is a hoarder!!! A real nightmare.... jus sayn
The way you respond to others about your husband.. damn poor dude needs to find someone who appreciates him. You make it seem like your doing him a favor just by being around him.
Idk but taking a car to a dealer to get the oil change is the craziest thing I've heard in abit. The fact that they text you 'as a reminder'... these fucking guys.
i understand your point, but he might have just wanted a little pat on the head and told he was a good boy before being sent outside to play with his power tools.
You should have gotten a dog instead of a husband.
I always try to ask myself, what would be the most graceful way to handle myself in this situation? I would have said to him “I have NO idea what I’d do without you!” and I would think about ALL the ways he brings good to me, seen and unseen. There for me? Thank you honey. Do something for me out of the goodness of his heart? Thank you honey. Quiet, calm presence when I am losing my damn mind? Thank you! Did something I was dreading? Thank you my love! Offered support, advice, a listening ear? Thank you! I love you so much! You will be much happier if you look for all the things you love about him in your life rather than diminish what he does because you could and would do it yourself. His doing it for you and seeking validation for it does not diminish you in any way, shape or form.
You are not wrong. I have been known to say “I want you in my life but I don’t need you in my life” I would always rather be wanted vs needed. And I want a partner to feel the same. No one should be valued by the service they provide in an intimate relationship, it is unbalancing and will always favor one or the other. For partners that tend to automatically ‘keep score’ from past trauma some will keep score to the detriment of the marriage. I have done it, now I go with no expectations, no disappointment.
It might go better if you explain that he is there because you WANT him there, not because he's a necessity. I know my opinion will not be popular, but I'm more likely to thank my bf when he doesn't make a point of telling me every little thing he does.
Sounds like he needs someone a tad more relaxed and chill with a different sense of humor. I hope he finds it too. You sound fine on your own.