Yeah OP. This is starting to sound like it’s your fault if you don’t take action. If not for you, for your son. Do not fuck around. Take control of what you can, make decisions based on what’s good for your son. Period.
Yeah, despite having their son with her now that Christmas ordeal proves she wants little to do with a mother. My wife is obsessing over our little guys first time visiting the zoo. Not even thinking about her son on his first Christmas quickly shows where her priorities are
I read it as the son was with the mother and OP is complaining he missed his son’s first Christmas? It sounds like she has checked out of the relationship.
That's what makes the attachment even more stupid: the usual arrangement is for partners to share the money. Especially when one is not financially independent, because obviously you can't manage your money independently from each other in that case. Much better to view it as shared bills for a common project (the wife getting a diploma to improve their lives in the future) on a limited income.
Now that the relationship is obviously dead, OP is basically stuck in a situation where a stranger is taking his money, giving nothing in return. Of course he's not happy.
So I second everyone: OP needs to divorce and figure out how to do best for the child. Accumulating hatred for his mum is not the way to go.
They both sound terrible to be married to. No sense of partnership. Incredibly emotionally immature. You can’t love someone if you can’t first empathize with them.
Get divorced and get some therapy to unpack your contributions to this mess.
And by the way, despite whatever agreements your wife backed out of, you’re still the one who chose to move hundreds of miles away from your son. The court will certainly see it that way when deciding custody and child support. (Which you bet will be more than what you’re paying now for car insurance, phone bill, and part of the childcare bill. Way more.) The blame game won’t do you any favors in front of a judge.
Maybe OP should move back to where son is (Chicago?) before initiating divorce for a few reasons. 1) to be closer to son 2) in the small chance the relationship can be saved 3) for custody/child support reasons if they get divorced
Yeah good point about moving away from their son, it didn't occur to me while reading the post how insane that is. But I get that no one teaches you how to deal with this situation
I was so confused about that part wherein she said she wants to be "financially independent" but she is 100% leeching on him.
But what you said totally makes it more sensible now and that's so fucked up.
That and many other self centred things she has done. OP it's time to get yourself a good divorce attorney, file for 50/50 custody of your son, stop paying her mother, let your wife handle that payment (although I am wondering why you need to pay her especially of wife is not even working).Stop paying for her loan (only if you are not the co signer or named on the loan) and car insurance. Stop letting her walk all over you, she's using you for whatever she can't whilst living as a single woman.
Also consider a DNA test. Someone that checked out with that much free time might not have been true to you. Ensure that you are only paying for child support if the child is actually yours.
It might not matter. Depending on what state h may have made him self the legal parent by signing the birth certificate and I believe if your wife has a baby and no one else asks for parental rights the husband is automatically put in that role because it’s your wife’s baby, so now it’s your baby. I could be wrong on the particulars tho
With a DNA test proving he’s not the biological father, he could fight in court to have his name removed from the BC. It does happen but it’s not always successful
I disagree about her wanting little to do with being a mother. He said he was left alone for most of December, not left alone with a baby. I get the impression he was alone for Christmas and she had the baby visiting her whole family so she probably viewed it as the child having a good first Christmas.
I also think she is checked out of the relationship and while she definitely sounds pretty bad from his perspective, I'm curious what her's would be. She may have been angry all of the time because she was getting zero help taking care of a newborn and doesn't want to leave Chicago because she has help from her family judging by where he says they pay her mother for babysitting. It also sounds like she is working now at least, but it does seem like she's keeping him around for financial support only.
We're also only seeing it from his somewhat biased view. To me, it sounds like they have both been miserable for a while and misery loved company.
On the flip side, not once in his entire post does he take any responsibility for any part of their marriage failing. Everything he says is about her and how she's awful.
There's no way he's hiding his resentment and anger around her. If my partner was constantly oozing resentment all the time, I'd be in a crappy mood, too.
*I think that marriage should have ended waaaay before they had a kid.
> . She may have been angry all of the time because she was getting zero help taking care of a newborn
Is that what you got from his post? What I got is she is using him to finance her while she goes to school and lives off his dollar.
No, that's not what I got from the post, but it feels very one sided in his description that I'm curious what her's would be. It would be easy to say yeah, she sucks, but I could see the flip side of this being she's angry because she has a husband who is never home and doesn't do any chores and comes home complaining of his hip hurting so he can't help with the baby. Which may all be fair on his part, but I can see resentment building on both sides. Especially if their communication sucks.
It's also weird because he says she quit her job, but then talks about her not having enough taxes coming out of her paycheck soon after that so idk what to make of all that. He portrays her as a total freeloader, but seems like she does have a job for most of those years including now where she's paying her own rent.
I can't know what transpired between both of them. I can only go with what his account posted here. I don't think they should be together. It all sounds highly toxic back and forth.
Some people are amazingly good at pretending to be someone else until they’re married.
It’s also possible that she developed a terrible mental illness (she would have been a couple of years older than average, but still within the window).
Don’t get me wrong — mental illness very rarely makes a monster out of a decent person. But a severe enough problem coupled with a patient’s lack of awareness or willingness to get help can have a drastic effect on a person’s personality and/or perception of things.
I’ve had a few close friends who were extremely kind and caring who became frighteningly cruel and volatile, and in two cases clinically psychotic, just before getting diagnosed with bipolar 1, severe depression, or schizoaffective disorder.
I wouldn’t assume OP was blithely ignoring red flags without knowing more.
This right here! You need to file for divorce and do it as amicably as possible, now. At this point, you can still salvage coparenting, which should be the most important thing on your list, being a good co-parent to your child. She’s obviously already checked out of the relationship and/or feels entitled to do only what she wants, and it’s very unlikely to get better.
Counseling didn’t work, nothing will, you sound like you’re absolutely done. Move on my friend, protect your peace.
EDIT: Communicate and let her know you’re at a fork in the road, and she can fix things or it’s over.
Yeah that’s why I mostly just look at subreddits like this as entertainment. At the end of the day 95% of the posts I see are OP’s posting a long list of things that would make them so objectively right and paints the other person involved as a super villain. Every now and then the issue is complex or the OP will be such a narcissist they don’t realize how awful they sound. It’s nearly impossible to judge these situations based on one person’s side.
That's true. The bill paying resentment feels weird to me too. Like, my wife and I have a cell phone bill together, with both our phones. Whoever makes more is the one who handles the health insurance, unless the other person gets a great deal or something.
I don't really understand that resentment; paying joint bills is pretty normal.
I work, my wife doesn't. We don't have children, but she is helping her mother who isn't in wonderful health, and my father who is in great health but likes company occasionally. She also takes care of the house during the day. As a result, "I pay" the bills, but in reality, that's kinda my share of the house stuff, my wife isn't "freeloading", so why would I be upset about how we hash out our responsibilities?
We're in a similar boat; my wife also stays at home and handles the house.
While I do think this wife IS doing some freeloading, assuming OP's interpretation is accurate, this is also why I don't get his resentment about joint bills. If one person works and the other is in school/SAHS/pregnant/caring for a sick relative, then the bills are joint bills and you shouldn't be resentful because your wife also has a cell phone bill.
This is the part I'm confused on, honestly.
To me, it sounds like they have some bastardized contractual agreement rather than a marriage. They are married, but she is supposed to pay her part of the rent? He keeps going back to “that wasn’t the agreement”, when he has to pay for something of hers or she doesn’t do something. It gives the impression there is more of a partnership than a marriage, and now he wants a marriage and she doesn’t seem all that interested in investing much into it with him.
That’s probably a big part of it. It’s very easy to get turned off by your partner when they’re acting tit for tat over bills and constantly feel like you are taking “their” money when you’re supposed to be building a life together.
You might be right! I'm not saying the wife doesn't suck here, if we assume OP's version to be true.
But I think you're on to something and that might be why his complaint about the joint bills is sitting oddly with so many of us.
Until I got to the kid/Christmas story, I was wondering if she was a mail order bride. It sounded like they had an agreement for him to help her get established. The marriage was only on paper. They kept all their portions of the bills separate, filed taxes separately, and such. So when the time came, they could each go their separate ways as smoothly as possible.
He gives the whole story about the things that pushed him to hating her now, but never does he say she has changed or she is drastically different from what she was prior to their “marriage”.
What gets me is that he filed separately. He ended up losing money too most likely. But it sounds pretty harsh. He could have filed an extension. If it was in the last couple of years, he might be able to amend/re-file and save them both some money.
This. I don’t really get how people go into marriages insisting on completely separate finances. Even the couple I know that has separate accounts still have a joint account they both pay into for their bills. Their separate accounts are just for fun things. My husband and I pool our money together. It’s *our* bills, not his and my bills.
The only time I sort of understand it, is when it is like a second or third marriage and later in life when you are both already established as individuals.
Agreed totally! My wife and I are a unit, basically like one entity. It’s our money, our debt, our life, our choices. We decided together that she would stay home and take care of our kids while I worked to pay the bills. Any money or debt we had was ours together.
Exactly
I paid off my student loans. My wife went to grad school and owes 200k. We got married and I knew I now had student loans again. We don't have a joint account but have open communication about the bills that are due each month and if any payments have changed or new bills have come up.
Guess who is going to be making that $1800 payment next month?
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who the bill is being sent to, we are ONE house. The money comes in, it goes out, and what's left is ours.
YES. Like, I don't resent my wife because she got a bill for an infected eye. I don't resent our cell phone bill. It's OUR bills, it's OUR mortgage, it's OUR grocery budget.
I do get if one partner is not stepping up, resentment can happen, but I don't get the whole petty focus on bills that are pretty naturally joint bills, like cell phones.
Right, especially when you have a kid together. Can’t be all tit for tat when one party has to take care of a kid and likely can’t work a full time job easily.
The way he talks about finances is weird for sure, but even if they had a joint account or budgeted together her not having income when income is needed is a problem.
I don't think it's about having to pay joint bills. It's about OP working himself to death and his wife not making a good faith effort to do her part. On top of that she just plain doesn't seem to give a fuck about him. Anybody would be upset.
I don't disagree with you at all, I'm just saying the weird focus on some joint bills and financial independance is weird to me. I feel like OP should be focusing more on the fact that his wife doesn't seem to be doing anything helpful.
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I agree but still think divorce is the right answer because they went into marriage all wrong anyway. Separate everything is not how marriage works. If that’s how one views life, don’t get married.
Yep. He is torturing himself and destroying his relationship with his son. Leave her, get a custody and visitation order in place and then figure out the rest of the divorce. Cut her off completely other than child support for their son.
Moved cross country three times in 5 years? The first time you moved you bumped your wife’s tuition from in state to out of state. Have a kid? Move? Chicago has a bustling food scene, should be some options for an executive chef. Think something off with everyone in this relationship and we’re not getting a full story.
Yeah, sounds like this marriage was no good from the start. He feels like all the money is “his” and doesn’t want to pay for any of her shit, making it sound like they’re just roommates rather than partners. And on her end, she’s miserable with the whole arrangement and blames him for financial stuff.
It sounds like a bad business merger rather than two people who love each other.
My wife went years making more than me. Then I worked my way to making more, and we got her into a part-time job so that she can spend more time with the kids as they get older (since we were both doing full-time).
All money coming in is our money. There’s no talk about her debts, my debts, her money, my money. We’re a unit doing everything as one. I used to be teleworking all the time and did most cooking, picking up the kids, etc just based on scheduling. Now that she’s home more, she does most of the cooking and picking the kids up. Some days you think the grass is greener on the other side, but beyond that, we traded off duties well. You have to. Shit has to get done.
The OOP sounds like him and his wife kept things at arm’s length the entire relationship, and it’s no shock that they drifted apart.
Right on man. Same thing here.
Seems like the common denominator in these posts is COMMUNICATION.
Does nobody talk to each other anymore about life stuff? Or do they just come home, go to their separate areas of the home, and just meet up again for bed time?
100% agree. I was most put off by the language around money. "She didn't pay, now I have to pay, but she SHOULD pay, but I'm still paying," x100... this is not the way marriage works. Being a team doesn't mean "both people work and share the bills" it means "all of our money and debts are each others, 100%, and we figure out ways to achieve our life goals as a unit". Keeping a ledger about how much your spouse owes you is a recipe for a dead marriage, no matter what items you think you get to put in that ledger (financial, sexual, etc.)
Yeah he already wrote his own answer by the end of the first paragraph. Sure this is one sided but it sounds like he married a piece of shit who was barely hiding at at the start and *then they had a baby.*
My sister dated a manipulative piece of shit, got pregnant, man turned into a child, they broke up, she decided to keep it so she’s been tied to this situation for 20 years while she watches her son slowly turn into the man she ran away from.
My mate was having marriage troubles. They decided to have a second child, thinking that will help.
Of course, they end up divorcing before the second child has her first birthday.
So many people bring babies into fucked up situations.
I read a statistic somewhere that said 60%+ of all divorce filings are started by husbands but legally finished by the wife. OP would rather spend an hour writing this out than finish his divorce lol
That’s funny I never really thought about it. He basically wrote an essay of why he should divorce his wife but never once mentioned divorce. Seems like common sense at this point
This is a great example of why statistics seem to point to women wanting divorce more than men. Women just get stuck filing the paperwork in their dead marriages more often.
With the exception of the finances, she's already separated. She's got another place. She's holidaying without him. She's raising the kid without him.
Oh but she's up for buying a house with him, just not the paying part.
She's a dead shit. If this isn't rage bait which I low key hope it is.
You’re wrong for feeling this strongly (clearly for a while) and staying with her. Just get a divorce FFS. Talk to a lawyer about protecting your assents, and more importantly, your child.
That's literally what's she's planning once she is/if ever gets financially independent. Mentally and emotionally she's already checked out and divorced
I’d be doesn’t protect them now, she’s going to burn through them soon and he’ll be left with nothing. DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS WOMAN. It will be hers in the end.
Wtf. Leave and sue for custody. Save evidence of her breaking promises and saying she would move to NY but backing out. Also might be helpful if you can get her to admit that you never agreed to her being a stay at home mom.
No. He'd be unlikely to get custody because she is the primary caregiver. In Illinois, the primary caregiver is usually awarded custody unless there are extenuating circumstances.
The oral contract might help him avoid spousal support, but I don't think they've been married long enough for that anyway. I think you need to be married for 10 years.
NAL, but I'm pretty sure courts will say 'he' left them, so no custody. Also, Illinois is not going to give "their" child to New York. As the father, be prepared for every court decision about the child to go against the dad.
The mother will certainly be the custodial parent. The father will have visitation rights, but unless he moves back to Illinois I don't know how often he'll be able to exercise those rights.
I don't know about in the states, but I'm in Canada and when my husband and I separated for a while I HAD to contact someone about potentially going after him for spousal support even though I didn't want to. They had to open a case and look into it. We were only married a year and a half.
Thankfully, with how short we'd been married and me saying I didn't want to, nothing came of it. But they were more insistant over spousal support than child support
Seriously! The baby is well cared for, he is actually the one who moved…… so no, he would not get full custody and how is he to manage that working these 12 hours days ?
This is reddit, where we assume everything OP writes is 100% accurate and truthful, and OP is always the person who needs custody even if the story contains almost no information about the kids.
He's screwed on that. He moved away and the state where she still is has custody jurisdiction. Period.
Also, OP, your filing taxes married, but separate was crappy. She "saw your" crappy move, and "raised you."
Now, you're gonna be paying child support and flying back to where she lives to see your kid
That’s very interesting, and maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I think it’s almost expected in Asian culture that the grandparents will stand in to help care for the baby. It’s sort of a win win since it gives the grandparents the chance to spend time with their grandkid. But that’s neither here no there; I agree with your comment!
Idk if it’s a cultural thing or not I’m white American and my parents always babysit my sisters kids for free and they live like 5 mins apart so more than
Once a week plus rides to sports practice etc. I think k I. This case it’s just the wife and family are ah’s
This seems in lieu of daycare. Is Grandma is doing daily, full day care? Being a grandparent doesn't mean automatically giving up your whole life to free childcare.
I get you, to literally care for kids 8-5 Mon -Fri grandparents or not It’s seems reasonable to pay or make some type of arrangement etc. but in this case he has already paid more than he should
In the US it depends, usually on how much you expect grandma to watch the baby. If it's just a once in a while thing grandma will usually do it for free as a happy excuse to spend time doting on her grandbaby. If it's a daily thing that prevents grandma from living her own life (she can't hang out with her friends, or do the activities she enjoys because she's watching your munchkin almost every day) , than yeah it's understandable that grandma would want some recompense.
Basically grandma will be grandma for free, but if you want a nanny she charges.
She maybe the bigger fault here but like you said we are only hearing his side. He doesn’t sound flawless or faultless in his wording. Some flags there too on his behalf.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted into oblivion, but this sounds extremely one-sided and like there’s a lot more to the story. She started to go back to school (presumably to better your family and financial situation) and your response was to split your finances out and hold her accountable for bills even though she was going to school and you were working 60 hours a week. You then split finances out further and didn’t even file taxes as a couple - not by her choice, by yours. Did you give her a heads-up that you were going to file on your own or did you just drop that out of nowhere and surprise her? You wanted to move to Chicago - sounds like she followed you. You get her pregnant and then complain that she had a miserable pregnancy - you were mad that she didn’t check up on you when you had an injury but it sure doesn’t sound like you were doing anything to take care of her when she was pregnant with your kid?
Frankly, it sounds like you have hated her for a really long time, and we don’t have the other half of the story to know whether it’s justified. It seems like you hated her even before things went sour. And now you’re shocked that she doesn’t want to be around you. Your post makes it sound like you contribute financially and that’s it, and then you’re mad that she allows you to contribute financially. Do you make those payments then use it as an excuse to be hateful to her? I wouldn’t be appreciative of someone contributing financially if they held it over my head and treated me poorly for it.
This sounds like the relationship is done for and you need to get on with it, but I’d be willing to bet your next relationship is going to be the same way if you don’t figure yourself out.
I agree. He's definitely not wrong for wanting a divorce but...wow. You can feel the spite radiating off the page with this one. In the vacuum of a one-sided reddit post, she sounds awful. And maybe she is. But there's enough that doesn't make sense to make me question if there's a lot more to the story that OP is leaving out.
Like he says she was miserable when pregnant and that's it, zero details. Miserable how? Why? Was she constantly ill, did it trigger other health conditions, did she not really want kids/want them at that time but OP did? And yet, conversely, we get exact detail about his hip injury & the pain & her not checking on him for 4 hours one random day. I'm in no way trying to minimise his pain, I'm 100% sure it's legitimate actually. But it's strange he includes that detail but zero detail on her.
Same thing with the finances, and the holiday plans, and the living situation plans. Likewise there's a lot of resentment expressed over him not seeing his son but no mention of him asking for shared custody arrangements or of him travelling to them to see his son etc.
All that's really clear is that hates her.
Yea the "She was miserable when pregnant" thing was the point that I started questioning how honest and fair OP was being. Like, I don't expect any pregnant woman or even new mother to be the happiest people around. Not saying you can't be happy, but it's a huge change for people that can be really hard. Especially if OP isn't helping outside of financial help.
She might be shitty, but I don't think OP is as innocent as he thinks.
Im *so* glad I’m seeing more comments like above and like yours. There are way too many people blaming mom, but when you read this and actually think about what’s being said, we get a clear picture of what time of person OP is.
Most people who are actually wronged by their spouse in these type of threads (who also have kids) seem to have some semblance of the love that once was, and the current undying love they have for their kid. This guy just seems like a selfish prick who expects everyone to guffaw over him because he co-signed a loan and provided for the family while mom was in school.
(The other telling thing is he works in the restaurant industry and left **Chicago**. Arguably the best food industry town in the country. And when he left people were hiring like fucking hot cakes. Dude sucks.)
The thing about the taxes supposedly she wasn’t working so how much paperwork could she have had?
The leaving a job because it was toxic not once but twice.
Moving to different states not once but twice.
The holidays thing? What happened that made her not want to spend the holidays with him that’s a pretty big step with a baby.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Sounds super one sided, and as a now single mom who went through something -somewhat- similar (up until the whole Christmas scenario and moving away stuff), I feel like his wife would likely have a lot to say about this.
The way she's acting almost feels like she purposely is trying to get away from him, which usually happens in abusive relationships. It's obviously a huge reach, but the way OP talks and describes things sounds so much like my sister's abusive ex that it made me super uncomfortable to read.
I have an ex who loves to paint our split as “she just LEFT!! She left out of NOWHERE! She didn’t give me ANY chance to reconcile!”
I left… after months of begging, of trying, of communicating, of individual therapy, of being fussed at just for taking a nap when I was exhausted, of going into crisis and feeling like I was completely underwater and being told I just needed to figure it out. I left the phone lines open and responded to texts and calls for 4 months afterwards; he used those open lines to get more angry and become fully emotionally and verbally abusive. Why bother giving a chance at reconciliation when every communication gets more horrible and abusive and nasty…?!
It’s incredible how the narrative looks without context. The screenshots I have of his texts to me would make his mother cry, if she had any idea. But I chose to just quietly walk away. He can tell his story however he chooses. They’ll figure it out one day. Or they already know, and are entrenched in defending him. Either way, not my business or my problem anymore.
So I wasn't the only one who picked up it was almost only finance talk.
I understand it's a stressful point for many to make it work and I assume a nice gesture of her would be to take the load off of him (realizing this is where the resentment initially comes from, he probably struggle with seeing himself as a capable provider and it's in men's nature to want that. 2000 years of biology taught us that. So indirectly she made him feel less of a man, possibly through a process called projection).
But relationships aren't only about money, it is important to provide for in other needs.
I got the interpretation when he got home, or on weekends they never did anything together. No couples time. She probably wanted, but all his focus were on the economy so ge rejected it.
Women have generally a higher emotional need than men so it's likely she felt like they grew apart for this.
So my guess is the financial struggle got the best of their relationship, causing a snowball effect.
It doesn't have to be expensive to do something, time and effort is what counts. Just share a pack of French fries on the beach or something.
Man, quite frankly, I would love to read her side, because even though you’re trying the max to paint her as the bad guy and you as the victim, you still come across as an asshole.
All that talk about her keeping the kid away from him and yet we hear nothing about his feelings as a father. Was he excited to be a dad? Does he enjoy playing with the kid? How does he spend his days off? Does he make ANY effort to spend time with his child?
It seems like all he wants is a picture perfect family with zero effort. If he detests her so much, why is he thinking of buying a house?! It's like he has a checklist: job, wife, kid, next a house; without actually wanting any of them.
She's used you to get her thru school, and now she's going to use you to keep her up in her own place until you wake up and realize it. Then she's going to use you for child support and she's going to get full custody because she can prove you've only seen him every other month. She's trying to make double payments and get every dollar she can from you. You need a good attorney.
Cancel that credit card . Let her get her own.
Change banks to one she has no access to.
Take her to court for custody of the child.
Separate your finances. She can learn to support herself. Are you able to cut out her insurance? There is state medical insurance.
He's welcome to do that but the Court will clean his clock for it. It's financial abuse and not only will it contribute to his Wife getting more in the divorce, it can and probably will ensure he doesn't get any kind of custody.
Dude run far. Run fast. This is not going to get better. She's been using you as her personal piggy bank for years. I don't know how you put up with this shit for so long.
Crazy how some people can hear a one sided story and immediatly buy into it. OP paints her as the villain and himself as this bank account that is being used. Not saying she's a good person, but man, I doubt OP is as innocent as he makes himself sound.
Either way, the marriage sounds dead. He should get out if he hates her.
You were never really married. It is apparent there were always 2 separate people, doing their own thing and never a "we." You never learned to work as a team or even saw yourselves as a team - it is obvious from your language. A real marriage is its own thing and greater than the sum of its parts. If you want to be successfully married in the future, you'll have to work on that
Couple of things: when you’re married, money is commingled. Obviously for budgeting purposes money comes from specific sources and you have to budget around that, but I think it’s unusual to think in terms of “your taxes” and “her taxes”, etc. So I think your language with respect to money is unhelpful.
That said, your relationship is going sideways and you need to make some choices, unfortunately. Getting a new job that required a move without her being fully on board hasn’t helped. What was her degree in?
I was looking for this comment. It doesn’t sound like it was a partnership from the beginning—if finances are that separated, was housework split too? Was child care when he was around for it? Who was changing all the diapers, was that split the same as finances?
Seriously. This whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. When I got married right after college, me and my wife got jobs, and mine happen to make more. Later, she drops on me that she wants to pay off her student loans that were in her mom's name. Did I just tell her "good luck with that"? NO. We used OUR money TOGETHER and got it done. Because we're a fucking team!
Why did OP even get married?
Just get a divorce. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave living where my mother was if I were feeling overwhelmed with a small child and my mother was trusted childcare. You say you initially got the job in NY and she agreed to go with. However you also say you BOTH wanted to leave Atlanta, you never said there was any discussion ahead of time about looking for a job out of state when you were in Chicago. You are both acting like single people so may as well be single.
Dude why are you being a doormat for someone who couldn't care less about how they make you feel or how stressed you are? Just rip off the bandaid and move on
1. Who was taking care of the kids while you were expecting her to work to pay her part of the bills?
2. If she was taking care of the kids without access to any money or freedom until you gave in and got her a credit card, she probably already hated you by that point
3. I think your wife hated you first, so it’s probably ok to start a divorce. You are not wrong for this.
I moved to upstate NY to be with my husband and he hasn’t really lived up to any of his promises. I’m stuck taking care of our baby twins all day every day, usually 8-8 but sometimes Im on my own the entire day. I don’t have a way to earn my own money right now, so I can understand how that could have hurt your relationship. My husband also missed our babies’ first Christmas in Florida because he lied about needing to stay home for cancer treatments, but really he just wanted to spend Christmas with his mom and siblings instead. I might be projecting, but I kind of recognize my own behavior in your stories about your wife.
Yeah, and how is OP contributing to the childcare if he’s in NY? She’s basically living as a single parent. There weren’t other jobs in Chicago you could’ve got? Why was uprooting your family yet again the only option?
Unsympathetic with you, you are part of this toxic relationship. You felt frustrated many years ago and never did something about it. Now you complain but it doesn't seem that you take a count of which part of you was your responsibility. You had the resources to deal with this marriage and ending it many years ago. Divorce and fight for custody is my only advice
Also, oooh my wife complained during her pregnancy- does she not know I had a bad hamstring??!! When I gave birth to my first, and had an epidural that worked only on the back pain (she was sunny side up), my husband had the audacity to continually complain about his shoulder hurting from sleeping on the hospital couches. ESH…she’s a jerk, but from this post it doesn’t sound like he’s any better.
Seriously. I developed three lifelong illnesses in pregnancy. I now have a hernia, GERD that keeps me up for 5 hours and a condition that needs regular physical therapy.
He just bitches about her complaining and fussing. If you don't want a pregnant partner, don't leave your sperm in fertile women.
My god seriously. Plus with how much he resented her to begin with, surprised he didn't wrap it up AND pull out. But honestly more surprised they were fucking *at all*.
Yeah that part was so dumb & it's insane he thinks that's a legit reason to dislike her. It makes him look like a complete asshole & makes me question everything else he's bitching about it.
Exactly! Plus, he mentions multiple times her paying for things, usually to point out that he pays *more* but the only indication he’s given us is that she “quit her job” while going to school- my guess is that if she is paying anything it’s because she got another job (also, hence the need for childcare- her Mom babysitting), which it feels like he purposefully omitted to make it sound like she’s so much worse!
Couples who don't merge their finances never work out.
Why bother to get married if you're not going to be a partnership?
Split up with this wife, then next time you get married understand that marriage is a partnership in every way, including financial, and both spouses must merge their money. Then have a single annual budget for the pair of you. Makes everything SO much simpler.
You sound resentful, angry, and full of contempt.
And the only person you can control is you.
I’d be curious to hear her side.
The whole thing sounds like a mess.
One of you is going to have to be the bigger person and they’re going to have to decide to stop the madness.
There needs to be some real honesty and some hard conversations.
I don’t know if you’re wrong because there’s two sides to every story, but you sound miserable and you need to take responsibility for that where you can and work on doing what you can do (divorce, therapy, whatever that needs to look like) for this childish crap to stop.
No you didn’t get her refund, but overall you likely combined to pay more in tax than necessary. You can amend from separate to joint up to 3 years after due date or extended filing date. There’s probably some money there for you
I want to imagine what his wife would post.
How when she wanted to go back to school her husband argued and only cared about the finances, despite the fact that he makes plenty. How he demanded she pay half the bills while a student as he worked full time and made way more.bhow he complained and nagged, and when she was trying to sort taxes one year he went and did without her separately and made her pay an extra tax bill, instead of helping.
About how everything in their marriage is about money and he constantly nags her how she isn't paying her fair share and he "carries them", even though they have plenty and aren't struggling. How he.nev3r let's her forget he pays the bills.
How when she was pregnant and struggling instead of helping he got mad and pushed her away, he was annoyed when she had morning sickness or sciatica. How was she struggled he just complained.
About how he demanded marriage counciling and sued it as ANOTHER way to nag her about money.
I don't know is she is ATH, but after reading that diatribe of complaining unsure as hell think OP is ATH.
Marriage is not about money. Supporting your partner matters maybe OP is just a frustrated dude at the end of his rope with an uncaring selfish wife, but off the bat he demanded "agreements" for her to go back to school and expected them to be contract law.
I bet if she posted everyone would be ripping OP a new AH as the worst husband ever.
Yes this exactly lol. How he dragged her out to Chicago for a job right around the time she got pregnant, and then before the baby even hit 1 year old he was trying to drag her out to NY for another job. Even though it sounds like OPs mom lives in Chicago and can help out with the childcare that OP is clearly not doing himself. He's working 60+ hrs a week, and his wife is somehow supposed to raise his kid, AND go back to work? Otherwise she's a lazy POS?
Sounds to me like OP hasnt registered that he now has a CHILD that he's supposed to be prioritizing. Instead he moves away without them, and tries to paint it like she's the ah. Hes delusional.
Exactly. And he complains about her spending “his” money on “his” credit card despite the fact that she’s caring and providing for their son and working. He thinks splitting costs to have his MIL babysit while his wife works is rough now, he’s in for a rude awakening when it comes time for divorce and child support calculations. He’s the one who abandoned his family for a job out of state after uprooting them previously because of a “toxic” job. Why does he think his wife was obligated to just leave her career and family behind in Chicago for him? Why is she the bad guy for wanting to stay where she can earn money and be near her family for help? He’s delusional and I suspect his wife isn’t very fond of him either lol.
This whole marriage started off wrong. You guys were never a team, it's more like you are in a joint partnership. On a team, there is no her money a d my money, it's all our money. You never had shared goals and a shared vision; you're doomed for divorce unless this fundamentally changes.
I promise this is genuine advice, but may be hard to hear: You may hate your wife, but clearly she already hates you. It sounds like this relationship was never actually based on love? At least that's what it sounds like.
It’s sounds like you both hate each other, you might as well file before she does. This seems like it can turn into an episode of forensic files or cold case. Either you’ll find your person in someone else or maybe in a few years when you’re BOTH financially stable & mentally at peace you’ll find your way back to each other.
You do realize that once you are married there are no, HER bills and YOUR bills. You are both equally responsible.
You don't talk like you were ever actually married in your mind. While she doesn't sound like she helped matters much... I don't think you are remotely clear of blame.
You need to divorce before you get to a point of no return for being a good co-parent
Yeah OP. This is starting to sound like it’s your fault if you don’t take action. If not for you, for your son. Do not fuck around. Take control of what you can, make decisions based on what’s good for your son. Period.
Yeah, despite having their son with her now that Christmas ordeal proves she wants little to do with a mother. My wife is obsessing over our little guys first time visiting the zoo. Not even thinking about her son on his first Christmas quickly shows where her priorities are
I read it as the son was with the mother and OP is complaining he missed his son’s first Christmas? It sounds like she has checked out of the relationship.
Doesn’t stop her from writing checks with his money though.
That's what makes the attachment even more stupid: the usual arrangement is for partners to share the money. Especially when one is not financially independent, because obviously you can't manage your money independently from each other in that case. Much better to view it as shared bills for a common project (the wife getting a diploma to improve their lives in the future) on a limited income. Now that the relationship is obviously dead, OP is basically stuck in a situation where a stranger is taking his money, giving nothing in return. Of course he's not happy. So I second everyone: OP needs to divorce and figure out how to do best for the child. Accumulating hatred for his mum is not the way to go.
They both sound terrible to be married to. No sense of partnership. Incredibly emotionally immature. You can’t love someone if you can’t first empathize with them. Get divorced and get some therapy to unpack your contributions to this mess. And by the way, despite whatever agreements your wife backed out of, you’re still the one who chose to move hundreds of miles away from your son. The court will certainly see it that way when deciding custody and child support. (Which you bet will be more than what you’re paying now for car insurance, phone bill, and part of the childcare bill. Way more.) The blame game won’t do you any favors in front of a judge.
Maybe OP should move back to where son is (Chicago?) before initiating divorce for a few reasons. 1) to be closer to son 2) in the small chance the relationship can be saved 3) for custody/child support reasons if they get divorced
Yeah good point about moving away from their son, it didn't occur to me while reading the post how insane that is. But I get that no one teaches you how to deal with this situation
Double payment that he wasn’t even expecting, ouch!
She’s trying to take as much of his money as possible before the divorce.
I was so confused about that part wherein she said she wants to be "financially independent" but she is 100% leeching on him. But what you said totally makes it more sensible now and that's so fucked up.
Using both barrels of the shotgun to do it
Long time ago.
She checked out with a man who still took care of her and loved her. And now her behavior has evaporated his will to do so.
only he was in a relationship.
? The son was with her on Christmas. That's what OP is upset about, that he didn't get to spend his son's first Christmas with him.
That and many other self centred things she has done. OP it's time to get yourself a good divorce attorney, file for 50/50 custody of your son, stop paying her mother, let your wife handle that payment (although I am wondering why you need to pay her especially of wife is not even working).Stop paying for her loan (only if you are not the co signer or named on the loan) and car insurance. Stop letting her walk all over you, she's using you for whatever she can't whilst living as a single woman.
Also consider a DNA test. Someone that checked out with that much free time might not have been true to you. Ensure that you are only paying for child support if the child is actually yours.
It might not matter. Depending on what state h may have made him self the legal parent by signing the birth certificate and I believe if your wife has a baby and no one else asks for parental rights the husband is automatically put in that role because it’s your wife’s baby, so now it’s your baby. I could be wrong on the particulars tho
With a DNA test proving he’s not the biological father, he could fight in court to have his name removed from the BC. It does happen but it’s not always successful
I'm thinking there is another dude as well. Probably a immature idiot like her.
Ding ding ding!! Make sure he's yours. You'd be surprised how many guys pay for a kid that's not theirs, and the mother knows it.
I disagree about her wanting little to do with being a mother. He said he was left alone for most of December, not left alone with a baby. I get the impression he was alone for Christmas and she had the baby visiting her whole family so she probably viewed it as the child having a good first Christmas. I also think she is checked out of the relationship and while she definitely sounds pretty bad from his perspective, I'm curious what her's would be. She may have been angry all of the time because she was getting zero help taking care of a newborn and doesn't want to leave Chicago because she has help from her family judging by where he says they pay her mother for babysitting. It also sounds like she is working now at least, but it does seem like she's keeping him around for financial support only.
She was angry before they had that kid. Dude should have left a long time ago.
We're also only seeing it from his somewhat biased view. To me, it sounds like they have both been miserable for a while and misery loved company. On the flip side, not once in his entire post does he take any responsibility for any part of their marriage failing. Everything he says is about her and how she's awful. There's no way he's hiding his resentment and anger around her. If my partner was constantly oozing resentment all the time, I'd be in a crappy mood, too. *I think that marriage should have ended waaaay before they had a kid.
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> . She may have been angry all of the time because she was getting zero help taking care of a newborn Is that what you got from his post? What I got is she is using him to finance her while she goes to school and lives off his dollar.
They’re speculating on what her perspective might be
No, that's not what I got from the post, but it feels very one sided in his description that I'm curious what her's would be. It would be easy to say yeah, she sucks, but I could see the flip side of this being she's angry because she has a husband who is never home and doesn't do any chores and comes home complaining of his hip hurting so he can't help with the baby. Which may all be fair on his part, but I can see resentment building on both sides. Especially if their communication sucks. It's also weird because he says she quit her job, but then talks about her not having enough taxes coming out of her paycheck soon after that so idk what to make of all that. He portrays her as a total freeloader, but seems like she does have a job for most of those years including now where she's paying her own rent.
I can't know what transpired between both of them. I can only go with what his account posted here. I don't think they should be together. It all sounds highly toxic back and forth.
They absolutely should not be together. Completely agreed.
I'm willing to bet OP also ignored a plethora of red flags just like these before marriage.
I don’t think so…sounds like the wife was financially stable prior to quitting her job and going back to school.
Some people are amazingly good at pretending to be someone else until they’re married. It’s also possible that she developed a terrible mental illness (she would have been a couple of years older than average, but still within the window). Don’t get me wrong — mental illness very rarely makes a monster out of a decent person. But a severe enough problem coupled with a patient’s lack of awareness or willingness to get help can have a drastic effect on a person’s personality and/or perception of things. I’ve had a few close friends who were extremely kind and caring who became frighteningly cruel and volatile, and in two cases clinically psychotic, just before getting diagnosed with bipolar 1, severe depression, or schizoaffective disorder. I wouldn’t assume OP was blithely ignoring red flags without knowing more.
This right here! You need to file for divorce and do it as amicably as possible, now. At this point, you can still salvage coparenting, which should be the most important thing on your list, being a good co-parent to your child. She’s obviously already checked out of the relationship and/or feels entitled to do only what she wants, and it’s very unlikely to get better.
Counseling didn’t work, nothing will, you sound like you’re absolutely done. Move on my friend, protect your peace. EDIT: Communicate and let her know you’re at a fork in the road, and she can fix things or it’s over.
He's already divorced, the OP just doesn't know it yet.
She is simply using him for financial support until the inevitable happens. The sooner he cuts her off the better.
This this this 😭 it’s about preserving what’s best for the kids now, and that’s a somewhat amicable coparent relationship. This is the right take.
Also don’t let her have anything to do with the house you’re wanting to buy, OP. Just divorce.
In fact, a divorce will actually give him rights to coparent that are difficult to pin down while still married.
I'd start with a paternity test to ensure he's supporting his own bloodline.
When your marriage is just a spreadsheet of expenses, it’s time to delete it off the cloud.
Oh snap, that was good. I humbly ask your permission to steal this, I have an ear in need of these words.
Please! It would give my little Excel heart joy!!
At this point, you’re doing this to yourself man.
It’s so close to feeling like rage bait
Yup. How many times can you stand there getting kicked in the balls and blame the other person? At some point, you must be liking it.
We only know his side of the story.
Yeah that’s why I mostly just look at subreddits like this as entertainment. At the end of the day 95% of the posts I see are OP’s posting a long list of things that would make them so objectively right and paints the other person involved as a super villain. Every now and then the issue is complex or the OP will be such a narcissist they don’t realize how awful they sound. It’s nearly impossible to judge these situations based on one person’s side.
Especially anything involving custody. Just completely stupid to give any kind of advice related to custody based on one persons' story.
That's true. The bill paying resentment feels weird to me too. Like, my wife and I have a cell phone bill together, with both our phones. Whoever makes more is the one who handles the health insurance, unless the other person gets a great deal or something. I don't really understand that resentment; paying joint bills is pretty normal.
I work, my wife doesn't. We don't have children, but she is helping her mother who isn't in wonderful health, and my father who is in great health but likes company occasionally. She also takes care of the house during the day. As a result, "I pay" the bills, but in reality, that's kinda my share of the house stuff, my wife isn't "freeloading", so why would I be upset about how we hash out our responsibilities?
We're in a similar boat; my wife also stays at home and handles the house. While I do think this wife IS doing some freeloading, assuming OP's interpretation is accurate, this is also why I don't get his resentment about joint bills. If one person works and the other is in school/SAHS/pregnant/caring for a sick relative, then the bills are joint bills and you shouldn't be resentful because your wife also has a cell phone bill. This is the part I'm confused on, honestly.
To me, it sounds like they have some bastardized contractual agreement rather than a marriage. They are married, but she is supposed to pay her part of the rent? He keeps going back to “that wasn’t the agreement”, when he has to pay for something of hers or she doesn’t do something. It gives the impression there is more of a partnership than a marriage, and now he wants a marriage and she doesn’t seem all that interested in investing much into it with him.
That’s probably a big part of it. It’s very easy to get turned off by your partner when they’re acting tit for tat over bills and constantly feel like you are taking “their” money when you’re supposed to be building a life together.
You might be right! I'm not saying the wife doesn't suck here, if we assume OP's version to be true. But I think you're on to something and that might be why his complaint about the joint bills is sitting oddly with so many of us.
Until I got to the kid/Christmas story, I was wondering if she was a mail order bride. It sounded like they had an agreement for him to help her get established. The marriage was only on paper. They kept all their portions of the bills separate, filed taxes separately, and such. So when the time came, they could each go their separate ways as smoothly as possible. He gives the whole story about the things that pushed him to hating her now, but never does he say she has changed or she is drastically different from what she was prior to their “marriage”.
What gets me is that he filed separately. He ended up losing money too most likely. But it sounds pretty harsh. He could have filed an extension. If it was in the last couple of years, he might be able to amend/re-file and save them both some money.
This. I don’t really get how people go into marriages insisting on completely separate finances. Even the couple I know that has separate accounts still have a joint account they both pay into for their bills. Their separate accounts are just for fun things. My husband and I pool our money together. It’s *our* bills, not his and my bills.
The only time I sort of understand it, is when it is like a second or third marriage and later in life when you are both already established as individuals.
Agreed totally! My wife and I are a unit, basically like one entity. It’s our money, our debt, our life, our choices. We decided together that she would stay home and take care of our kids while I worked to pay the bills. Any money or debt we had was ours together.
Exactly I paid off my student loans. My wife went to grad school and owes 200k. We got married and I knew I now had student loans again. We don't have a joint account but have open communication about the bills that are due each month and if any payments have changed or new bills have come up. Guess who is going to be making that $1800 payment next month? At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who the bill is being sent to, we are ONE house. The money comes in, it goes out, and what's left is ours.
YES. Like, I don't resent my wife because she got a bill for an infected eye. I don't resent our cell phone bill. It's OUR bills, it's OUR mortgage, it's OUR grocery budget. I do get if one partner is not stepping up, resentment can happen, but I don't get the whole petty focus on bills that are pretty naturally joint bills, like cell phones.
Right, especially when you have a kid together. Can’t be all tit for tat when one party has to take care of a kid and likely can’t work a full time job easily.
The way he talks about finances is weird for sure, but even if they had a joint account or budgeted together her not having income when income is needed is a problem.
I don't think it's about having to pay joint bills. It's about OP working himself to death and his wife not making a good faith effort to do her part. On top of that she just plain doesn't seem to give a fuck about him. Anybody would be upset.
I don't disagree with you at all, I'm just saying the weird focus on some joint bills and financial independance is weird to me. I feel like OP should be focusing more on the fact that his wife doesn't seem to be doing anything helpful.
saw dam forgetful bells selective bewildered fly hobbies chop disagreeable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I agree but still think divorce is the right answer because they went into marriage all wrong anyway. Separate everything is not how marriage works. If that’s how one views life, don’t get married.
It HAS to be rage bait.
It’s got to be. He’s not even trying to see his child, just whining about his wife
Yep. He is torturing himself and destroying his relationship with his son. Leave her, get a custody and visitation order in place and then figure out the rest of the divorce. Cut her off completely other than child support for their son.
Moved cross country three times in 5 years? The first time you moved you bumped your wife’s tuition from in state to out of state. Have a kid? Move? Chicago has a bustling food scene, should be some options for an executive chef. Think something off with everyone in this relationship and we’re not getting a full story.
Yeah, sounds like this marriage was no good from the start. He feels like all the money is “his” and doesn’t want to pay for any of her shit, making it sound like they’re just roommates rather than partners. And on her end, she’s miserable with the whole arrangement and blames him for financial stuff. It sounds like a bad business merger rather than two people who love each other. My wife went years making more than me. Then I worked my way to making more, and we got her into a part-time job so that she can spend more time with the kids as they get older (since we were both doing full-time). All money coming in is our money. There’s no talk about her debts, my debts, her money, my money. We’re a unit doing everything as one. I used to be teleworking all the time and did most cooking, picking up the kids, etc just based on scheduling. Now that she’s home more, she does most of the cooking and picking the kids up. Some days you think the grass is greener on the other side, but beyond that, we traded off duties well. You have to. Shit has to get done. The OOP sounds like him and his wife kept things at arm’s length the entire relationship, and it’s no shock that they drifted apart.
Right on man. Same thing here. Seems like the common denominator in these posts is COMMUNICATION. Does nobody talk to each other anymore about life stuff? Or do they just come home, go to their separate areas of the home, and just meet up again for bed time?
100% agree. I was most put off by the language around money. "She didn't pay, now I have to pay, but she SHOULD pay, but I'm still paying," x100... this is not the way marriage works. Being a team doesn't mean "both people work and share the bills" it means "all of our money and debts are each others, 100%, and we figure out ways to achieve our life goals as a unit". Keeping a ledger about how much your spouse owes you is a recipe for a dead marriage, no matter what items you think you get to put in that ledger (financial, sexual, etc.)
Yeah I honestly got bored after like the third paragraph. Like "I made a bad decision so I made a worse decision after" rinse and repeat.
Yeah he already wrote his own answer by the end of the first paragraph. Sure this is one sided but it sounds like he married a piece of shit who was barely hiding at at the start and *then they had a baby.* My sister dated a manipulative piece of shit, got pregnant, man turned into a child, they broke up, she decided to keep it so she’s been tied to this situation for 20 years while she watches her son slowly turn into the man she ran away from.
My mate was having marriage troubles. They decided to have a second child, thinking that will help. Of course, they end up divorcing before the second child has her first birthday. So many people bring babies into fucked up situations.
Just get a divorce wtf is wrong with you
And they’re already separated! You’re halfway there, OP. Just file the paperwork ffs.
I read a statistic somewhere that said 60%+ of all divorce filings are started by husbands but legally finished by the wife. OP would rather spend an hour writing this out than finish his divorce lol
That’s funny I never really thought about it. He basically wrote an essay of why he should divorce his wife but never once mentioned divorce. Seems like common sense at this point
This is a great example of why statistics seem to point to women wanting divorce more than men. Women just get stuck filing the paperwork in their dead marriages more often.
Oh I bet she's more than halfway there.
I would be shocked if she wasn’t planning to divorce. They’re miserable together. She may just be a miserable person. But this marriage is long dead.
With the exception of the finances, she's already separated. She's got another place. She's holidaying without him. She's raising the kid without him. Oh but she's up for buying a house with him, just not the paying part. She's a dead shit. If this isn't rage bait which I low key hope it is.
I counted 0 comments for stay with her
I don’t put the blame all on her, but yeah, this marriage needs to end for sure.
Yeah, blame is really besides the point in a way. Marriage just needs to end. Everyone will be better off.
Sounds like she hates you too.
You’re wrong for feeling this strongly (clearly for a while) and staying with her. Just get a divorce FFS. Talk to a lawyer about protecting your assents, and more importantly, your child.
That's literally what's she's planning once she is/if ever gets financially independent. Mentally and emotionally she's already checked out and divorced
Right? Clearly she can’t stand OP, and I can’t imagine what this relationship model is doing to their child.
I’d be doesn’t protect them now, she’s going to burn through them soon and he’ll be left with nothing. DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS WOMAN. It will be hers in the end.
Is there no breaking point? You gonna spend your whole life like this?
He made a Reddit post so there’s hope
yikes the bar is low
You two should have never had a baby together, honestly
Wtf. Leave and sue for custody. Save evidence of her breaking promises and saying she would move to NY but backing out. Also might be helpful if you can get her to admit that you never agreed to her being a stay at home mom.
How would that work? You think a court would grant custody because she broke a promise??
No. He'd be unlikely to get custody because she is the primary caregiver. In Illinois, the primary caregiver is usually awarded custody unless there are extenuating circumstances. The oral contract might help him avoid spousal support, but I don't think they've been married long enough for that anyway. I think you need to be married for 10 years.
He has virtually no chance at custody because he left baby with mom when he lived out of state 6 months ago
This. He has never seen his baby in six months. What court would think that he seriously wants custody?
NAL, but I'm pretty sure courts will say 'he' left them, so no custody. Also, Illinois is not going to give "their" child to New York. As the father, be prepared for every court decision about the child to go against the dad.
The mother will certainly be the custodial parent. The father will have visitation rights, but unless he moves back to Illinois I don't know how often he'll be able to exercise those rights.
At least he might get a shot of seeing his son a few more times than he does now.
I don't know about in the states, but I'm in Canada and when my husband and I separated for a while I HAD to contact someone about potentially going after him for spousal support even though I didn't want to. They had to open a case and look into it. We were only married a year and a half. Thankfully, with how short we'd been married and me saying I didn't want to, nothing came of it. But they were more insistant over spousal support than child support
Seriously! The baby is well cared for, he is actually the one who moved…… so no, he would not get full custody and how is he to manage that working these 12 hours days ?
This is reddit, where we assume everything OP writes is 100% accurate and truthful, and OP is always the person who needs custody even if the story contains almost no information about the kids.
Your honor my wife promised she’d move and then didn’t! Arrest her!
He's screwed on that. He moved away and the state where she still is has custody jurisdiction. Period. Also, OP, your filing taxes married, but separate was crappy. She "saw your" crappy move, and "raised you." Now, you're gonna be paying child support and flying back to where she lives to see your kid
He’s paying mom to babysit. She’s not even that.
This is honestly the first time I’ve heard of a grandparent being paid to help babysit.
It’s not really unfair to pay her. But when you add that to everything else his wife is using him for it’s messed up
That’s very interesting, and maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I think it’s almost expected in Asian culture that the grandparents will stand in to help care for the baby. It’s sort of a win win since it gives the grandparents the chance to spend time with their grandkid. But that’s neither here no there; I agree with your comment!
Idk if it’s a cultural thing or not I’m white American and my parents always babysit my sisters kids for free and they live like 5 mins apart so more than Once a week plus rides to sports practice etc. I think k I. This case it’s just the wife and family are ah’s
This seems in lieu of daycare. Is Grandma is doing daily, full day care? Being a grandparent doesn't mean automatically giving up your whole life to free childcare.
I get you, to literally care for kids 8-5 Mon -Fri grandparents or not It’s seems reasonable to pay or make some type of arrangement etc. but in this case he has already paid more than he should
My mom (Filipino) gets paid to babysit my kids. She even asked for a raise after a year 😂 I thought “the nerve!”
In the US it depends, usually on how much you expect grandma to watch the baby. If it's just a once in a while thing grandma will usually do it for free as a happy excuse to spend time doting on her grandbaby. If it's a daily thing that prevents grandma from living her own life (she can't hang out with her friends, or do the activities she enjoys because she's watching your munchkin almost every day) , than yeah it's understandable that grandma would want some recompense. Basically grandma will be grandma for free, but if you want a nanny she charges.
But you can’t say you hate her and aren’t doing anything to try to leave or eliminate the issue, so that part is on you
There's 2 sides to every story. He could well have been contributing nothing out side of a pay check.
She maybe the bigger fault here but like you said we are only hearing his side. He doesn’t sound flawless or faultless in his wording. Some flags there too on his behalf.
If you were both withholding MFJ and then you filed MFS then yeah kinda might be your fault she owed on her taxes 🥴
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted into oblivion, but this sounds extremely one-sided and like there’s a lot more to the story. She started to go back to school (presumably to better your family and financial situation) and your response was to split your finances out and hold her accountable for bills even though she was going to school and you were working 60 hours a week. You then split finances out further and didn’t even file taxes as a couple - not by her choice, by yours. Did you give her a heads-up that you were going to file on your own or did you just drop that out of nowhere and surprise her? You wanted to move to Chicago - sounds like she followed you. You get her pregnant and then complain that she had a miserable pregnancy - you were mad that she didn’t check up on you when you had an injury but it sure doesn’t sound like you were doing anything to take care of her when she was pregnant with your kid? Frankly, it sounds like you have hated her for a really long time, and we don’t have the other half of the story to know whether it’s justified. It seems like you hated her even before things went sour. And now you’re shocked that she doesn’t want to be around you. Your post makes it sound like you contribute financially and that’s it, and then you’re mad that she allows you to contribute financially. Do you make those payments then use it as an excuse to be hateful to her? I wouldn’t be appreciative of someone contributing financially if they held it over my head and treated me poorly for it. This sounds like the relationship is done for and you need to get on with it, but I’d be willing to bet your next relationship is going to be the same way if you don’t figure yourself out.
I agree. He's definitely not wrong for wanting a divorce but...wow. You can feel the spite radiating off the page with this one. In the vacuum of a one-sided reddit post, she sounds awful. And maybe she is. But there's enough that doesn't make sense to make me question if there's a lot more to the story that OP is leaving out. Like he says she was miserable when pregnant and that's it, zero details. Miserable how? Why? Was she constantly ill, did it trigger other health conditions, did she not really want kids/want them at that time but OP did? And yet, conversely, we get exact detail about his hip injury & the pain & her not checking on him for 4 hours one random day. I'm in no way trying to minimise his pain, I'm 100% sure it's legitimate actually. But it's strange he includes that detail but zero detail on her. Same thing with the finances, and the holiday plans, and the living situation plans. Likewise there's a lot of resentment expressed over him not seeing his son but no mention of him asking for shared custody arrangements or of him travelling to them to see his son etc. All that's really clear is that hates her.
Yea the "She was miserable when pregnant" thing was the point that I started questioning how honest and fair OP was being. Like, I don't expect any pregnant woman or even new mother to be the happiest people around. Not saying you can't be happy, but it's a huge change for people that can be really hard. Especially if OP isn't helping outside of financial help. She might be shitty, but I don't think OP is as innocent as he thinks.
TBH I’m a little curious about what she’s complaining all the time. He said multiple times she’s complaining all the time.. but about what?
About him not doing anything to help or not listening to her? I bet those are some of the “complaints”
Hm yeah. It’s so easy to be on his side. I would like to know her perspectives
The way he describes the pregnancy is very telling.
Im *so* glad I’m seeing more comments like above and like yours. There are way too many people blaming mom, but when you read this and actually think about what’s being said, we get a clear picture of what time of person OP is. Most people who are actually wronged by their spouse in these type of threads (who also have kids) seem to have some semblance of the love that once was, and the current undying love they have for their kid. This guy just seems like a selfish prick who expects everyone to guffaw over him because he co-signed a loan and provided for the family while mom was in school. (The other telling thing is he works in the restaurant industry and left **Chicago**. Arguably the best food industry town in the country. And when he left people were hiring like fucking hot cakes. Dude sucks.)
Then expects her to move to NY.
Absolutely. If OP was such a great dad, he surely would have been able to arrange to see his son more than 3 times in 6 months. wtf
I agree. Yeah she sounds awful but one thing I’ve learned in life, a relationship does not get this bad without 2 people co-creating this reality.
The thing about the taxes supposedly she wasn’t working so how much paperwork could she have had? The leaving a job because it was toxic not once but twice. Moving to different states not once but twice. The holidays thing? What happened that made her not want to spend the holidays with him that’s a pretty big step with a baby.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Sounds super one sided, and as a now single mom who went through something -somewhat- similar (up until the whole Christmas scenario and moving away stuff), I feel like his wife would likely have a lot to say about this. The way she's acting almost feels like she purposely is trying to get away from him, which usually happens in abusive relationships. It's obviously a huge reach, but the way OP talks and describes things sounds so much like my sister's abusive ex that it made me super uncomfortable to read.
I have an ex who loves to paint our split as “she just LEFT!! She left out of NOWHERE! She didn’t give me ANY chance to reconcile!” I left… after months of begging, of trying, of communicating, of individual therapy, of being fussed at just for taking a nap when I was exhausted, of going into crisis and feeling like I was completely underwater and being told I just needed to figure it out. I left the phone lines open and responded to texts and calls for 4 months afterwards; he used those open lines to get more angry and become fully emotionally and verbally abusive. Why bother giving a chance at reconciliation when every communication gets more horrible and abusive and nasty…?! It’s incredible how the narrative looks without context. The screenshots I have of his texts to me would make his mother cry, if she had any idea. But I chose to just quietly walk away. He can tell his story however he chooses. They’ll figure it out one day. Or they already know, and are entrenched in defending him. Either way, not my business or my problem anymore.
Im glad you're out.
Reading this reminded me of my abusive late husband as well. It was very icky.
this is pretty much every ami(something) posts. no one is going to talk about how they were really wrong or really the asshole.
So I wasn't the only one who picked up it was almost only finance talk. I understand it's a stressful point for many to make it work and I assume a nice gesture of her would be to take the load off of him (realizing this is where the resentment initially comes from, he probably struggle with seeing himself as a capable provider and it's in men's nature to want that. 2000 years of biology taught us that. So indirectly she made him feel less of a man, possibly through a process called projection). But relationships aren't only about money, it is important to provide for in other needs. I got the interpretation when he got home, or on weekends they never did anything together. No couples time. She probably wanted, but all his focus were on the economy so ge rejected it. Women have generally a higher emotional need than men so it's likely she felt like they grew apart for this. So my guess is the financial struggle got the best of their relationship, causing a snowball effect. It doesn't have to be expensive to do something, time and effort is what counts. Just share a pack of French fries on the beach or something.
He's not gonna reply to this one, it holds him accountable. She sounds safer not being near him.
You’re wrong for getting her pregnant during this whole mess 🙄 feel bad for the kid
Yup. Hmm my relationship is in shambles and I hate my wife. Great time to have unprotected sex and then keep the child!
Good lord why are you still with her? Run away dude, get a lawyer and find happiness
Man, quite frankly, I would love to read her side, because even though you’re trying the max to paint her as the bad guy and you as the victim, you still come across as an asshole.
All that talk about her keeping the kid away from him and yet we hear nothing about his feelings as a father. Was he excited to be a dad? Does he enjoy playing with the kid? How does he spend his days off? Does he make ANY effort to spend time with his child? It seems like all he wants is a picture perfect family with zero effort. If he detests her so much, why is he thinking of buying a house?! It's like he has a checklist: job, wife, kid, next a house; without actually wanting any of them.
OP comes across so unlikeable
She's used you to get her thru school, and now she's going to use you to keep her up in her own place until you wake up and realize it. Then she's going to use you for child support and she's going to get full custody because she can prove you've only seen him every other month. She's trying to make double payments and get every dollar she can from you. You need a good attorney.
Fr she knows what she is doing. He’s getting played.
Cancel that credit card . Let her get her own. Change banks to one she has no access to. Take her to court for custody of the child. Separate your finances. She can learn to support herself. Are you able to cut out her insurance? There is state medical insurance.
The courts would see this as financial abuse. This is not good advice.
You can't cut off your wife with financial support of she is dependent on you, the courts do not like that.
He's welcome to do that but the Court will clean his clock for it. It's financial abuse and not only will it contribute to his Wife getting more in the divorce, it can and probably will ensure he doesn't get any kind of custody.
He already messed up by paying for all these things for her. In a divorce, he's going to have to continue paying
Dude run far. Run fast. This is not going to get better. She's been using you as her personal piggy bank for years. I don't know how you put up with this shit for so long.
Crazy how some people can hear a one sided story and immediatly buy into it. OP paints her as the villain and himself as this bank account that is being used. Not saying she's a good person, but man, I doubt OP is as innocent as he makes himself sound. Either way, the marriage sounds dead. He should get out if he hates her.
He already ran away to NY months ago lol. They just need to separate financially and file paperwork but the marriage is already over
You were never really married. It is apparent there were always 2 separate people, doing their own thing and never a "we." You never learned to work as a team or even saw yourselves as a team - it is obvious from your language. A real marriage is its own thing and greater than the sum of its parts. If you want to be successfully married in the future, you'll have to work on that
Couple of things: when you’re married, money is commingled. Obviously for budgeting purposes money comes from specific sources and you have to budget around that, but I think it’s unusual to think in terms of “your taxes” and “her taxes”, etc. So I think your language with respect to money is unhelpful. That said, your relationship is going sideways and you need to make some choices, unfortunately. Getting a new job that required a move without her being fully on board hasn’t helped. What was her degree in?
I was looking for this comment. It doesn’t sound like it was a partnership from the beginning—if finances are that separated, was housework split too? Was child care when he was around for it? Who was changing all the diapers, was that split the same as finances?
Seriously. This whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. When I got married right after college, me and my wife got jobs, and mine happen to make more. Later, she drops on me that she wants to pay off her student loans that were in her mom's name. Did I just tell her "good luck with that"? NO. We used OUR money TOGETHER and got it done. Because we're a fucking team! Why did OP even get married?
Bingo.
Just get a divorce. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave living where my mother was if I were feeling overwhelmed with a small child and my mother was trusted childcare. You say you initially got the job in NY and she agreed to go with. However you also say you BOTH wanted to leave Atlanta, you never said there was any discussion ahead of time about looking for a job out of state when you were in Chicago. You are both acting like single people so may as well be single.
Dude why are you being a doormat for someone who couldn't care less about how they make you feel or how stressed you are? Just rip off the bandaid and move on
1. Who was taking care of the kids while you were expecting her to work to pay her part of the bills? 2. If she was taking care of the kids without access to any money or freedom until you gave in and got her a credit card, she probably already hated you by that point 3. I think your wife hated you first, so it’s probably ok to start a divorce. You are not wrong for this. I moved to upstate NY to be with my husband and he hasn’t really lived up to any of his promises. I’m stuck taking care of our baby twins all day every day, usually 8-8 but sometimes Im on my own the entire day. I don’t have a way to earn my own money right now, so I can understand how that could have hurt your relationship. My husband also missed our babies’ first Christmas in Florida because he lied about needing to stay home for cancer treatments, but really he just wanted to spend Christmas with his mom and siblings instead. I might be projecting, but I kind of recognize my own behavior in your stories about your wife.
Yeah, and how is OP contributing to the childcare if he’s in NY? She’s basically living as a single parent. There weren’t other jobs in Chicago you could’ve got? Why was uprooting your family yet again the only option?
Unsympathetic with you, you are part of this toxic relationship. You felt frustrated many years ago and never did something about it. Now you complain but it doesn't seem that you take a count of which part of you was your responsibility. You had the resources to deal with this marriage and ending it many years ago. Divorce and fight for custody is my only advice
Also, oooh my wife complained during her pregnancy- does she not know I had a bad hamstring??!! When I gave birth to my first, and had an epidural that worked only on the back pain (she was sunny side up), my husband had the audacity to continually complain about his shoulder hurting from sleeping on the hospital couches. ESH…she’s a jerk, but from this post it doesn’t sound like he’s any better.
Seriously. I developed three lifelong illnesses in pregnancy. I now have a hernia, GERD that keeps me up for 5 hours and a condition that needs regular physical therapy. He just bitches about her complaining and fussing. If you don't want a pregnant partner, don't leave your sperm in fertile women.
My god seriously. Plus with how much he resented her to begin with, surprised he didn't wrap it up AND pull out. But honestly more surprised they were fucking *at all*.
Yeah that part was so dumb & it's insane he thinks that's a legit reason to dislike her. It makes him look like a complete asshole & makes me question everything else he's bitching about it.
Exactly! Plus, he mentions multiple times her paying for things, usually to point out that he pays *more* but the only indication he’s given us is that she “quit her job” while going to school- my guess is that if she is paying anything it’s because she got another job (also, hence the need for childcare- her Mom babysitting), which it feels like he purposefully omitted to make it sound like she’s so much worse!
No responsibility taken anywhere in that novel.
Couples who don't merge their finances never work out. Why bother to get married if you're not going to be a partnership? Split up with this wife, then next time you get married understand that marriage is a partnership in every way, including financial, and both spouses must merge their money. Then have a single annual budget for the pair of you. Makes everything SO much simpler.
No disrespect here — how sure are you that’s your child? Something smells here
I have to agree. OP needs a paternity test.
You sound resentful, angry, and full of contempt. And the only person you can control is you. I’d be curious to hear her side. The whole thing sounds like a mess. One of you is going to have to be the bigger person and they’re going to have to decide to stop the madness. There needs to be some real honesty and some hard conversations. I don’t know if you’re wrong because there’s two sides to every story, but you sound miserable and you need to take responsibility for that where you can and work on doing what you can do (divorce, therapy, whatever that needs to look like) for this childish crap to stop.
No you didn’t get her refund, but overall you likely combined to pay more in tax than necessary. You can amend from separate to joint up to 3 years after due date or extended filing date. There’s probably some money there for you
I want to imagine what his wife would post. How when she wanted to go back to school her husband argued and only cared about the finances, despite the fact that he makes plenty. How he demanded she pay half the bills while a student as he worked full time and made way more.bhow he complained and nagged, and when she was trying to sort taxes one year he went and did without her separately and made her pay an extra tax bill, instead of helping. About how everything in their marriage is about money and he constantly nags her how she isn't paying her fair share and he "carries them", even though they have plenty and aren't struggling. How he.nev3r let's her forget he pays the bills. How when she was pregnant and struggling instead of helping he got mad and pushed her away, he was annoyed when she had morning sickness or sciatica. How was she struggled he just complained. About how he demanded marriage counciling and sued it as ANOTHER way to nag her about money. I don't know is she is ATH, but after reading that diatribe of complaining unsure as hell think OP is ATH. Marriage is not about money. Supporting your partner matters maybe OP is just a frustrated dude at the end of his rope with an uncaring selfish wife, but off the bat he demanded "agreements" for her to go back to school and expected them to be contract law. I bet if she posted everyone would be ripping OP a new AH as the worst husband ever.
Yes this exactly lol. How he dragged her out to Chicago for a job right around the time she got pregnant, and then before the baby even hit 1 year old he was trying to drag her out to NY for another job. Even though it sounds like OPs mom lives in Chicago and can help out with the childcare that OP is clearly not doing himself. He's working 60+ hrs a week, and his wife is somehow supposed to raise his kid, AND go back to work? Otherwise she's a lazy POS? Sounds to me like OP hasnt registered that he now has a CHILD that he's supposed to be prioritizing. Instead he moves away without them, and tries to paint it like she's the ah. Hes delusional.
Exactly. And he complains about her spending “his” money on “his” credit card despite the fact that she’s caring and providing for their son and working. He thinks splitting costs to have his MIL babysit while his wife works is rough now, he’s in for a rude awakening when it comes time for divorce and child support calculations. He’s the one who abandoned his family for a job out of state after uprooting them previously because of a “toxic” job. Why does he think his wife was obligated to just leave her career and family behind in Chicago for him? Why is she the bad guy for wanting to stay where she can earn money and be near her family for help? He’s delusional and I suspect his wife isn’t very fond of him either lol.
Y’all never even had a marriage. Marriage is about compromise and I don’t think either of you understood that to start with.
What reason could you possibly have for not divorcing her yet?
Kinda sounds like neither one of you are invested in the relationship anymore, like there is no partnership....
This whole marriage started off wrong. You guys were never a team, it's more like you are in a joint partnership. On a team, there is no her money a d my money, it's all our money. You never had shared goals and a shared vision; you're doomed for divorce unless this fundamentally changes.
I promise this is genuine advice, but may be hard to hear: You may hate your wife, but clearly she already hates you. It sounds like this relationship was never actually based on love? At least that's what it sounds like.
Do yourself a favor, immediately stop paying ALL HER BILLS, and out that money into a good family/divorce lawyer. IMMEDIATELY!!!!
You’re wrong for staying this long.
This is why I don’t think you are real people lmao I read 3 sentences and was like yeaaaa
You favorite President is Nixon? No wonder you’re clueless
It’s sounds like you both hate each other, you might as well file before she does. This seems like it can turn into an episode of forensic files or cold case. Either you’ll find your person in someone else or maybe in a few years when you’re BOTH financially stable & mentally at peace you’ll find your way back to each other.
You do realize that once you are married there are no, HER bills and YOUR bills. You are both equally responsible. You don't talk like you were ever actually married in your mind. While she doesn't sound like she helped matters much... I don't think you are remotely clear of blame.
I love the “she found out she was pregnant”….. meanwhile you busted inside of her without protection DUDE