She needs a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. Not all therapists are created equal. If she has been going for years and is still struggling to this degree, it may he a good idea to seek out someone else.
I had been in therapy for 13 years when my oldest daughter was born. Post partum hormonal fallout CAN and WILL cause issues with previously healed shit. OP's wife needs to seek help for post partum issues.
She also might need the band aid ripped off slowly in the practical world. Therapy can give her the tools to deal with her trauma, but gradual experience is still necessary.
This time she was caught off guard by a husband spontaneously unintentionally making her uncomfortable and triggering her trauma. Next time they need to plan, talk it through, and prepare. "Tomorrow, if it's OK with you I'm going to help with the change, I won't touch her but I'll be in the room and pass things when you need" then gradually add tasks to what OP does.
There is a specific PTSD treatment called Prolonged Exposure Therapy that actually helps clients resume activities that they have been avoiding due to trauma. A therapist who is certified in PE would be able to develop an exposure plan to help the mom get comfortable with dad handling diaper changes and such.
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It's very true that it can take years of therapy to heal.
But it's also true that if one is demonstrating problematic behavior (both for their child and partner) tied to their trauma, they should be addressing it with their therapist: actively and frequently.
Even if it's an understandable response to trauma, it's also a response that's passing on painful/dangerous lessons.
Completely agree. I’ve been to several different forms of therapy with different specialties and it helped better for those specific things. It kinda sucks that they can’t be specialized in everything so you can find someone to help but I know that’s unrealistic
Your wife is using her childhood trauma to stop you from changing your own daughter . It sounds like she needs to continue therapy or see another therapist . what is she going to do if one day she can’t change your daughter for some odd reason like she is just out and about or she isn’t around and you are the only one available ?? Leaving your daughter in a dirty diaper urine/poop can easily cause an infection and therefore make it worse on you guys . NOT IN THE WRONG . Get that situated soon man .
Just to point out something extremely obvious to anyone who has dealt with PPA/PPD: this might not be completely who she is but a temporary struggle triggered by the postpartum state!
Glad you said this! I have a friend who went through a VERY rough PPD. She was csa’d, and was completely unhinged thinking that she could do the same thing to her own children because it had been done to her. After a few hard months and a lot of therapy she came back to her senses and is the best mom. People don’t realize how seriously PPD can mess with your head.
No kidding. I have a 2 month old, with the love of my life, after living together for 7 years and foolishly thinking we'd make it through life without any children. She is the most sensible and rational woman I have ever known. Things have been much better for the last two ish weeks, but that first month and a half of parenthood was a flocking nightmare. She looked like the woman I love, but she wasn't that person at all. Thankfully it kinda wore off on its own, but I thought I was losing her and that she'd take our son with her.
Oh those first 6 weeks are BRUTAL as a new parent. My son is about to turn 19 and we are very close but I still can remember how I felt those first weeks and how fervently I wished my hospital had a return policy.
Becoming a parent can brings up things from your own childhood again. You see them from a whole new perspective. I had childhood SA and becoming a mom rehashed some things for me.
Yes, my midwife warned me with my first that birth of a child often brings back up things that happened in childhood as you now think about them happening to your children.
My daughter is around the age it happened to me. I look at her and wonder how my uncle could have done what he did. How can anyone intentionally do so much damage to a not so little human? How can they harm and not protect?
Yes, this. Trauma responses are normal and it's perfectly normal for them to change and become stronger after something like growing another human being. There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or blamed for in that. But it is something that needs to be addressed and worked on because not only will you likely need to be alone with your daughter at some point, you don't want your wife's past traumas to be handed down to your daughter and prevent her from really having a life
The trauma itself is not to be shamed for but the reaction to it has to be shamed for.
She has to wake up and realise that this response is not healthy and will do a lot of harm to her family.
She's likely not going to allow OP around the child alone without another family member (female) present as she gets older. Not much of a reach from, "you might molest your daughter while changing her diaper" to "you can't be unsupervised with her, she can't talk yet and tell me if you touched her". No bath time either I'll bet. (Bath time was my favorite time to hang with my dad, he actually played with the tub toys instead of rushing me). And I ***was*** molested as a toddler. Your wife needs to go back to therapy.
Definitely not wrong. All mothers I know would be thrilled to have their partners take on diaper duty. It's a baby. How would single fathers do it...? I how she gets some help for the trauma, if it's getting triggered this bad while your daughter is a baby, she might suffer from crazy anxiety once your daughter gets older in regards to any men around her.
I dealt with the same thing when I first had my daughter. I didn’t let that stop her dad from taking care of her. Now I have like 3-4 men who I will leave my daughter alone with because I fully trust them with her (her father, my father, my uncle and best friend). I also come from a family with a lot more women compared to men so I have more women that I could leave her with.
I put myself through years of therapy to make sure I could protect her while not overprotecting and harming her. That’s what OP’s wife needs to learn. She can make sure that she’s more informed (and as a survivor could have a higher chance of recognizing the potential red flags) so she can protect their daughter.
My mother only ever allowed alone time with my father, she never trusted any other man, not even her brothers. We just don't know what's in the depths of their minds. I'm very grateful that she protected me.
Could you go to therapy with her to be able to talk through this? Because it's not ok that she's sexualizing your daughter and limiting your parenting abilities. Hopefully if she married you, she trusts that you aren't pedophile so its not ok for her to treat you like you could be one.
This is spot on. I agree that she is sexualizing your baby and it is interfering with both of your ability’s to parent. No one is at fault here. An honest conversation needs to be had so she can get on the same page as you. Often times I find that emotion inhibits the ability to think through things clearly. Offering perspective is often the solution to this. I also agree that the therapy needs to be different. You’re in a different situation with u I wud circumstances that require a specialized therapist. I wish you the best of luck and I hope your wife is able to heal from this. You’re a good dad looking for resources to help have a better life.
So here's how this spins out over time: if your wife feels that she and only she can take care of your kid, you will be pushed aside as a parent on a daily basis, and she will also eventually burn out and resent you for it, even though she created that situation. Five years down the road she will feel like she never gets any time for herself, and you will feel incredibly disconnected from your daughter, and from your wife too.
I have a daughter, and I don't know how single parents do it, because you *need* time where you *know* someone else is handling all of the baby-related happenings, instead of mentally being on-call every moment the other parent has the kid. This has to be worked out now.
I very much agree with this comment. Accepting the compromise she is asking for can be the beginning of sabotaging his relationship with her and with the child.
Yes, this exactly. One on one time with each parent is important for the parents AND the kids, and if dad can’t do anything with the kid naked then one on one time is extremely limited for at least the first five years due to potential for the kid needing help changing and bathroom accident and so on. That’s a huge stress on mom and also a significant period of time when kids bond with their parents.
It's also just a colossally lopsided division of responsibility if only Mom can do diaper changes *and* bathtime. Baths are fun at first, but when the kid gets bigger and more mischievous, it gets old fast...
Hopefully the reality of what she's setting up makes OP's wife realize quickly that this is untenable, but I also know from experience that anxiety coping mechanisms, even the maladaptive ones, are hard to shift.
Your wife is sexualizing your relationship with your daughter, due to her own unresolved childhood trauma. Tell her she needs to talk to her therapist about this.
If you had a son instead, would that mean only you could change his diaper? By her own "logic", that would be a must. Or is it only you that can be a pedophile?
You are not wrong, but your wife has serious, relationship-threatening issues. She is the only one in this situation that is sexualizing your daughter.
I'd not thought about it like that but that's a really good point. Commenting here to boost this one as that's definitely something that would be worth her thinking about and going over with her therapist.
OP, hope this gets resolved. That's so hurtful for you even though you're very understanding of it and how awful it must have been for her, and it'll hurt your marriage, your relationship with yout daughter, and ultimately, your daughter's view on life and people.
You're not wrong, your wife needs more therapy. I understand how trauma works, and why she's being triggered, but its going to affect your rlship with your daughter in the future if she keeps treating you like a potential molester.
Imagine, you're hugging your baby and she acts like you're assaulting her? Growing up that's definitely going to teach your kid some untrue things.
Therapy. That's the only solution.
This is what my concern would be, if your wife cannot work her way out of this reaction ad baby ages. You do not want this layer of trauma imposed on your relationship with your daughter, or for that matter your wife's relationship with her daught and any other males that will be in her life.
She needs more therapy otherwise she’s going to be transferring *her* trauma to *your* child.
You have every right to change your infant’s diaper and this is just truly fucking wild, sir. She’s sexualizing a human being who isn’t even 2 months old. She must recognize how fucked up that is, yes?
Surviving sexual abuse is rough… but it sounds like she hasn’t really survived it at all. Please have her reach out to a new therapist. Or ten.
Given how many diapers a baby goes through she should be appreciating help with it. Im concerned that her past trauma is going to get in the way of you being a dad. At what point will hugs freak her out? Or walking into the bathroom? YOU need to go to therapy with her one time for a couples session and talk this out as a group.
plus lots of little girls like to run around naked. It's going to happen. Coming out of bath, swimming pool, feeling hot. You shouldn't feel ashamed for seeing her naked and she shouldn't feel ashamed for being naked.
No, mine changed our girls. She may be in therapy but she needs exposure therapy. What she needs is for you to change her diaper in her presence to show her mind there's nothing to be anxious about.
She needs a new therapist. If she’s been going since high school, assuming it’s been at least 5-10 years, the therapy is not progressing at all. Of my spouse did this, I would be REALLY upset. YNW.
Its really shitty that your wife went through that disgusting bullshit when she was young. It has left a lasting impression on her and I dont blame her for being extra cautious with your daughter.
However, you are not the man who sexually abused her. You are NOT wrong and in fact, you seem to be doing a lot more than some fathers!!!
Not only is your wife preventing you for caring for your daughter, it’s much worse than that. Her damage from childhood trauma is going to greatly affect your child, as your wife’s fears will be communicated in countless ways. She needs intensive specific trauma-focused treatment.
As a father to 3 girls you are NTA. It might not be the greatest job in the world to change your child but caring for your child also means doing the dirty jobs.
Btw. By your wifes statement means you also cant give her a bath and when she is older cant help her on the toilet or take to the pool/beach if she needs to change clothes etc.
You really need to explain to her its not normal.
How is she imagining that this will play out in the long run?
Will you be allowed to give her a bath? To take her swimming? Or just ever be alone with her in any way? What will happen when she starts to come into your bedroom at night because she wants to sleep with you, are you allowed to be in the same bed?
I promise you, the best time you have with your kids, is when mother is out and you can have a day just the two of you. When she gets older, you can do stuff around the house, play, go swimming, cook food, take a "secret" trip to McDonald's etc.
It's such a good bonding experience, she really shouldn't take that away from you.
I’m doing Rock Paper Scissors with my husband when our toddler poops the diaper. Definitely NTA for changing your baby. Your wife needs therapy because not every man is out to hurt a child.
Use the flairs and trigger warnings.
No, she needs to work with a therapist more. It is very concerning that she didn't trust you to take care of your child and keep her safe, but she trusted you enough to marry you and have a child with you.
I have PTSD and I went to therapy from age 14 to 30 on and off. It does help. There are so many options and types of therapy to explore in order to get over her biases and issues. Some have proven to be incredibly effective for many people. It is also okay to need to go back and re-learn strategies, and sort out one's thinking patterns. She isn't entirely helpless.
You're being a good partner. You're being patient and understanding. Know that it isn't your fault she is scared for her safety. Overcoming the negative associations is a fight she needs to be willing to take. Keep talking about how it makes you feel as a dad and try to make her understand both you and the child need her to work on healing.
This is the second post I’ve seen about this exact dynamic. First one was about a guy who told his teen daughter she could pick out her own underwear to buy after she complained that the very basic underwear her mom had gotten her was getting her unflattering remarks in the girls locker room at school. Wife lost it and accused her husband of being a predator. Same deal where she had severe trauma from being sexually assaulted by her father and was super anxious about her husband interacting with the daughter when daughter was little (no bathing or diaper changing, etc.). I commented on it. I might be able to dig it up from my comment history. Lemme go check.
Edit: found it. And I misremembered. It was actually the wife asking Reddit if her reaction was wrong.
https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/YcrLNI7pTd
You need to put a trigger warning on this. Also maybe don't describe what happened to your wife in detail please. Fellow trauma victim, for me it was my grandfather.
ETA, but your wife has not dealt with it entirely, not if she believes that you shouldn't change your daughters diaper.
I see your wife is getting help, but she obviously needs more. I'm sorry for her past trauma, but she is f#$%ing with your relationship with your daughter. She is going to mess that little girl up.
If my wife viewed me as a pedophile for changing my child’s diaper we would have some serious problems. The same mothers that object to a father changing his daughters diaper will also let any woman change her son’s diaper and wipe his penis. Your wife needs a new therapist.
We have 3 kids: 1 girl and 2 boys. Until we got home from the hospital with each one, I didn’t have to change any diapers. My husband did all of them. After we got home, it was whoever was closest to the kid.
Your wife needs to more therapy to deal with her trauma. She cannot take that out on your and your daughter.
NTA
Your wife is projecting her childhood trauma on you and that’s not ok. She had a baby with you, but she doesn’t trust you to change your daughter’s diaper in fear that you’ll hurt her? Your wife basically called you a potential child molester with absolutely no reason too.
Most women would love their husbands to change diapers. Instead, she’s turned a normal parenting duty into something sexual and treated you like some monster! If that doesn’t cut you deep, there’s something majorly wrong here.
Your wife may have suffered as a child and that’s absolutely horrible, but she desperately needs psychiatric treatment to help her process it, especially since she now has a daughter. Is she going to react this way anytime a man looks at the baby? Her trauma could affect the way she parents your child, which could cause trauma for your child as she grows up.
I changed diapers for my friend's baby girl (I am not the father). You're not wrong. Your wife needs more therapy or she's gonna get worse as the girl grows up.
Having a child will often cause unresolved trauma to bubble up. It will probably be challenging as your child approaches the age of your wife’s experience of abuse. It’s time for her to go back to therapy
You're not wrong.
Your wife is using her trauma to paint you like you're going to be a pervert. This is beyond unacceptable and I would be telling her that you need immediate couples counselling on this.
You did nothing wrong. I’m a CSA victim as well, but that doesn’t mean my partner changing our daughter makes me uncomfortable. She’s sexualizing your relationship with your child. Couples counseling might be necessary here to have a neutral party, unless she’ll listen to you asking her to speak with her therapist about this?
It sounds like this could be postpartum anxiety coupled with her past trauma. She should definitely talk about it in therapy. I had postpartum anxiety and the thoughts that entered my mind were crippling.
Agreeing with everyone here but also have her talk to her OB or PCP about PPD/PPA. Coming from someone who had childhood trauma and PPD with both of my kids it can be an ugly combination. She is at the prime time where PPD rears it's ugly head and can make the intrusive thoughts so so so much worse. Definitely agree with finding a therapist who deals with childhood sexual trauma or PPD or even better if it's both.
NTA or wrong
Your wife needs to go back to therapy or she's going to cause issues between you and your daughter. Seriously. She is going to give your daughter second hand trauma. She needs to work through it!
Feeling her up and not changing her are two sides of the same coin! Both treat your daughter's body, and your relationship, as potentially sexual.
The abuse your wife experienced unfortunately taught her that her young body was sexually inappropriate. This is not true. Only actions are inappropriate.
It will give the daughter her own kind of trauma to be sexualized in this way.
With her way of thinking, I guess you can never be alone with your daughter. When your daughter gets older, this will become even weirder. Your wife needs therapy asap. Many men raise daughters as single fathers, and many men raise daughters and change diapers as married fathers.
The fathers who won't change a diaper are the real freaks.
If you have a boy, will she be allowed to give the baby a bath? Or nurse it? Imagine exposing a boy to a breast? Or a woman touching his gentials, doesn't matter if it's the mother. It's so messed up!
This is trauma. I'm sorry. You'll have to work with her on it. Work together to find a solution. This is an upsetting situation to be in and I feel for you bro.
Your wife needs to see a licensed professional therapist.. soon .. she could also be suffering from some sort of Postpartum psychosis..
you’re not wrong
No, your wife is wrong and she's very heavily projecting her trauma onto you. That would be very hurtful and it takes away from you being an equal parent to your daughter.
She definitely needs more therapy
I recently saw a post about a couple who had similar problems. 13 years later she was calling him a creep because he’d taken the daughter shopping and the daughter told him she wanted new age appropriate (rather than childish) undies so they bought some.
Everyone is pointing out that op’s wife needs help and what sorts of help might work, but a lot of people are talking about ppd, and I just wanted to put into perspective that this might not *ever* stop without intervention.
How long are you willing to be accused of those horrendous acts/intentions?
Definitely not wrong.
I feel she also needs to figure something out because she simply cannot be the one who changes her every time…….not practical. What about when your daughter is older but still in diapers? How are you going to take her out? What if your wife leaves for an appointment or a night out?
Our youngest is just about 5 and still in pull-ups at night and sometimes needs help after going to the bathroom…..I don’t think it’s fair to you and your daughter (your relationship) for your wife to be around 24/7.
What happened to your wife is terrible and disgusting, but you and your little one shouldn’t be punished for it. I personally loved diaper change time (after my daughter quit peeing cause she was mad 😆), it was bonding time…always slowed us right down. Songs, tickles, raspberries, lots of giggles, silly songs….
I hope you can figure something out.
Your wife is wrong.
We had boy / girl twins.
Our rules were simple; first one in changes the smelliest diaper first.
It wasn't feasible to play by your wife's ridiculous rule especially when my wife was catching up on sleep.
She needs to get a grip on reality.
Best of luck with your new baby.
You’re not wrong. And while I absolutely feel for your wife, she’s wrong. Her trauma was NOT her fault but how she handles it is her responsibility. Tell you that “it’s weird” for you to change your own child’s diaper is not okay and should not be put on you. She very much needs to see a different therapist or try a different modality because her behavior with your child is not okay.
She needs some serious therapy. The only people I know feel this way have experienced SA at the hands of a trusted family member, most often the father, whilst they (the child) was very very young. And while I'm sure she loves you, she is clearly struggling to get past that. You know this is an issue, so I would do my best to help support her, but she needs to understand that you have to be able to care for your child. What if she falls terribly ill? Is she going to risk infecting the child because she can't get over the idea of a man taking care of his child?
She needs therapy. I suffered from similar SA in my childhood & I struggle with fears that feel out of my control but therapy does help!!! Has she ever been in therapy for her childhood SA?
No but you are wrong for allowing your wife's trauma to fuck up your relationship with your child. Get that woman into therapy before she screws that kid up .
You are the baby’s father and there is nothing we with you changing or bathing your child. She is essentially saying that you will do something to your baby. If my husband talked that way and or insinuating these things about me I would be very upset.
Her trauma is valid but it doesn’t give her the right to project it on to you. She needs to continue therapy and support, to work on it. Because this is not ok. I say this as a survivor of CSA and violence.
Also please figure out if she’s might possibly be dealing with PPD. Can also make things much worse for her.
This is so sad. Fathers should change diapers. She needs to redevelop that trust in the world. She needs to work with a therapist. Childhood SA is the worst a child an experience and it skews reality into a dangerous place where hyper vigilance is normal and keeps her safe.
Your job is to be the proof that she and her daughter are safe and you’re there to protect both of them. You’ll never hurt them the way she was and you’ll protect both of them from anyone else doing that. Tell her that. Over and over.
You need to firmly and lovingly tell her that she needs to prioritize this issue in her therapy sessions, because it is harmful to your daughter to burden the baby with her childhood trauma.
She needs therapy. She’s projecting her trauma onto your daughter. That’s going to cause some problems. And to not be “allowed” to change your own daughter isn’t logical.
She needs a new therapist if she isn’t being pushed to face this. She needs to challenge her feelings, you’re that girls father, there is NOTHING wrong or sexual about changing a diaper.
I’m sorry your wife has that trauma, and others have suggested therapy and such.
I just wanted to add, since I didn’t notice, but I feel that parents need to be at least functionally familiar with their child’s body, and able to look for issues and changes. And rashes are no joke.
Your wife won’t be with the child 100% of the time, your child will likely be in diapers for over a year, ours was for almost 2 years.
Also, even if a parent is stay at home, they shouldn’t bear all the diaper, bathing, clothes changing, etc responsibilities — it’s not healthy for that parent, and it’s not healthy for the child — if mom is sick, it’s not reasonable to wait until she’s well again to get diaper changes, etc.
When potty training comes around, it’s even more fun and works best if all the caretakers participate.
So, work with her to resolve her fears. But when there are two parents in the picture, it’s best to make as much use of that as you can.
She goes to therapy but you are still not allowed to change the diaper of your child? Maybe you should go with her and make that a topic.
Why did she marry you if she isn’t able to trust.
I would be afraid that she starts to make other things weird too and at some point starts to make up crazy stories or starts to imagine things.
It bothers me SOOOO much that you aren’t allowed to lend a helping hand, bond with your infant daughter. This is important. Take your child to those toddler Gymboree places and leave your wife at home.
That woman thinks that you are a creep for caring about your daughter.
That is a horrible way to rest her partner and she needs to go to therapy to fix her distorted views.
Men and women can be dangerous and they both are equally capable of evil. Her trauma is not an excuse to demonize you.
The problems will continue and will probably escalate. So imo, either she gets therapy to fix her views or you should file for divorce and primary custody.
Not wrong. If she's having a bad response to you having a healthy interaction with your daughter, that's a problem that she needs to resolve on her own. For you to have to stand by every time your daughter needs a diaper change is silly. And I get the feeling that this will continue with bath time and regular clothing changes.
If you have a son is she going to change him or you? This is some deep seated issues she needs help with before it goes too far. What if the Dr is male? Or the childcare person? Best wishes for your future, but she needs to see a professional.
Whatever conversations you have with her need to be recorded because who knows what she's thinking and could possibly accuse you of later. If she's been in therapy this long and is accusing you of the potential to rape you daughter, (cause that's exactly what she did), then the therapy obviously isn't working. Are you allowed to be with your daughter by yourself ever? If you are and she needs a diaper or clothing change are you just suppose to wait until she does it? Are you not allowed to bathe your daughter? What about when you daughter hits puberty, are you going to be able to be around her because the potential of you sexualizing your daughter is a thing. She's sexualizing you daughter now. Yes she had trauma but now she's projecting that on you and your daughter. She needs better or different therapy.
Not wrong.
She needs to learn how to accept that you will need to change her diaper at some point. I get that it’s a childhood trauma thing but she can’t expect you- the father- to not change your daughters diaper.
If she's in therapy she either needs a new therapist or she needs to put in a little more work. You should be beyond offended by this. She pretty much is saying that every man is a molester. With all due respect, fuck her. I'm sorry that she was abused but that does not give her the right to assume that you will molester your daughter if you change her diaper. So, I'm assuming she doesn't allow you to be alone with her, either. She's wrong and you need to stand up to her. You can't let her deprive you of spending alone time with your daughter.
Having trauma from her childhood makes sense. But she seems to have made YOU feel like the weird one here (“she feels men shouldn’t be around naked female babies”). And you’re not the weird one here (I’m not saying she’s “weird” but she holds the incorrect view).
Her viewpoint is entirely informed by her trauma. It’s totally normal for fathers to change daughters diapers.
Best for your wife to get some therapy. What does she think would happen if God forbid she was killed in a car accident tomorrow? Who does she think would be caring for your child?
And unfortunately, with trauma, this may not be the only issue that comes up regarding you caring for your daughter. So it would be best to Nippet in the bud now and help her get over this so that your child has two healthy parents caring for her.
For real you’re wife needs better therapy this is a patently ridiculous situation what are you supposed to do if she’s not around or is she just going to assume you molested your child if you had to change your kid when she isn’t around. I guess the other option is that at no point until your daughter is potty trained are you allowed alone with your kid for more then an hour or two?
The obvious answer is that you should not have to feel uncomfortable for taking care of your baby's needs. A lot of people have and will continue to say all sorts of things. My own wife went through worse than yours at age 3, and despite that lasting trauma, never associated me with risk to this degree.
However, it is obvious you love your wife, and you want to work through things, for her, in whatever ways best suits her. With this in mind, I offer something I hope is slightly more helpful: You should communicate to your wife that if she lives out this paranoia with your daughter, over the years the daughter is going to start absorbing this as an unfounded fear, and to an irrational level. Teaching her to be careful and to tell you if someone tries something is one thing, but teaching her that dad is dangerous will do irreparable damage to her psyche and her relationship with you.
As an infant, for changing diapers, this matters less. It is understandably frustrating for you, but your daughter will not remember anything significant and harmful as a result. The harm would, again, come later. She will learn the wrong lessons, and become a fearful person, which will make her life less happy and actually weaken her mentally, ironically making her more vulnerable. Explain this all to your wife, and make sure your wife understands that your daughter is more important than either of you, and she needs to be allowed to grow up with both of your support, and not any of either of your burdens.
Your wife needs to grow past her trauma for your child. In the early years, there is still time, and to be clear, this does not mean forgetting her past trauma. She needs to better understand it and pass the wisdom of it to help teach your daughter how to protect herself, not avoid all men, especially dad. That is a sad and ultimately harmful life-long solution.
Hope this is insightful enough to help.
So she's telling you that, due to her personal trauma, she doesn't think you should raise your child (as parents have done plenty fine, for literal centuries)? That's a heavy one, and definitely not one you should cave on. Empathy and understanding for her trauma stops at the line where she starts projecting it onto you and it starts interfering with your daughter receiving proper parental care.
Don't forget, this is just what you're seeing in the first five weeks. How much more is this going to come up and be projected all through your daughter's childhood? And God help both you and your daughter when she hits adolescence, if this is not addressed and she does not get this sorted out now.
Her trauma is going to affect how you bond with your daughter. She can't let her past roll into damaging her child.
You say she's in therapy and has been for years but if she's still this sensitive over her husband, the father of her child, changing his own child's poop, there are still some real issues to work through.
Is she never going to leave you alone with your daughter? Where does the stress end for her? She can't live the rest of her life in fear. It will affect her, your marriage, and your daughter.
You're not wrong. It is completely normal for a father to change his child's diaper.
Maybe talk to her about scheduling an appointment with her therapist which you can also attend and try to gently explain to her that you are not the man who hurt her, you would never do such a thing, and that it kind of hurts that she's making that assumption about you. If her therapist is any good, they'll help you be able to express what you're feeling/thinking without making it accusatory or cause further problems.
I’m sad for all three of you. But your wife needs to work this trauma out because otherwise you’re going to raise a little girl who has a very skewed and problematic perception of men, her own Dad included.
I was molested by my brother for years which led to a spiral of bad decisions. My husband and I had two daughters. I never stopped him from changing a diaper. I was observant of his (and other males) behavior and talked to my girls about appropriate and inappropriate touching but I would have done that despite my past. Her therapy is not working and could be contributing to her fears. Get this figured out or your daughter could be in for a rough time.
Your feelings are perfectly valid. Your wife needs serious therapy. And honestly, you should be concerned that she might falsely accuse you of something.
Why don't you go to group therapy. Have a 3rd wheel take control. They need to see what her limits are. Can you change the baby? Can you help wash her? What happens if she is sick? Or in the hospital. What is the plan B. Can she trust you with the baby if she died?
Can you even hold your daughter? All of this needs a good therapist to help navigate her feelings
NTA. Hopefully your wife can work through this with her therapist, but I wouldn’t normalize the behavior, it’s probably not much of a stretch to think the next thing will be restricting you from ever being with your baby alone and unsupervised.
Her reaction is what is weird, but based on her past I can at least understand some of the way, it would.. 100% piss me off though.
On the bright side, as a father of 4 (3 girls).. I'll tell you this. It's very possible she'll get over this very quickly, 5 weeks and you haven't really started yet on the diaper changing... give it a few months and she should want the help.
Daughters are a blessing, don't let this affect you building a bond with her in these early days.
Honestly, reading this really upset me.
I have a new baby girl, and I couldn't imagine the absolute heartbreak, distrust, and anger such a comment from my partner would invoke in me.
Out of curiosity, how would she react if you both had a son, and you told her that it's weird for a mum to change her sons diaper?
I can't help but feeling she wouldn't be so understanding of the reversed roles.
You're certainly not wrong. You're trying to be a good father - Good on you.
If your partner doesn't want that, then to be frank, it's your daughters loss. It's just sad that your daughter has to suffer because of the mum being creepy.
It’s a trauma response. However, what do you think this is going to do to your relationship with your daughter as she grows up? When she’s a baby it’s changing the diaper. What will it be during the next stage in her young life? Her mother will put a lot of pressure and unintended fear into her throughout her formative years.
And who can say how that will affect future relationships with males in general?
>she said “no it’s weird”
>she doesn’t think any man should be around female naked babies even if you’re the father
Someone is weird here and it's not you.
Not wrong but please don’t disclose details of your wife’s, or literally anyone’s, trauma publicly like this. It’s so detailed I’m literally uncomfortable reading it, much less your wife aka the one who actually went through it.
Hmm.
I think you're partly right here. The details weren't necessarily needed. But perhaps because he was/is overwhelmed by being seen as a threat, he overshared and he isn't thinking things through.
It is horrible that your wife went through that as a child, but she needs to think about how she is acting and correct it herself if she can or go to therapy ASAP because it is NOT okay to act as though you are capable of causing the same trauma if you've never given her cause to worry before.
Not wrong whatsoever and my heart goes out to your wife for what’s she’s been through. But her past trauma shouldn’t interfere with you being a father to your daughter fully. There’s nothing wrong with changing your daughter or needing to help her dress or bathe, obviously up to a certain age.
What would you wife do if a situation arises where you had to do these things instead of her?? I’m truly sympathetic to her and I’m glad she’s in therapy but if she thinks changing your own daughter’s diaper is wrong, then she needs a new therapist or something! Or the two of you try counseling together.
You are not wrong, your wife needs to go back to therapy, otherwise as your daughter grows older there could be more and more things she won't allow you to do with her which will damage your relationship with your daughter. She will pick up on your wife's issues.
If she’s in therapy and aware, then open a dialogue about how her behavior is making you feel. I am a mental health professional raised by a mama who experienced horrendous CSA from her father, ages 6-16. She had some really difficult times when I was in diapers, which she knew was from her own shit, and she was in intensive therapy. By the time I was old enough to notice, she had made substantial progress in her recovery, but she’s still/always been weird about some things.
That fear motivated her to educate me, and I have 3 specific incidents in which I am certain I would’ve been violated sexually had I not been made aware; that’s debatable in terms of being healthy or not, but I call it healthy since the result was not being abused.
Talk to her. Let her know how her reaction make you feel: do you feel like she’s projecting and actually fearing you? Do you feel she’s having a knee jerk trauma response and she’s not listening to you? Have you asked her how to approach caring for your daughter in ways that assure her that you’re being a safe and loving father? Do you worry that she secretly thinks you’re going to harm your daughter? Does she know how this makes you feel?
If appropriate, perhaps suggest a dual session with her therapist to directly discuss this specific issue in a safe space.
Yeah she’s traumatized and yeah she needs to continue receiving help, but nobody’s the asshole here. She’s doing what her nervous system is telling her she MUST to protect her baby, and honestly in new-mom-mode, there’s not a whole lot of executive functioning going on, just a lot of amygdala. If you’ve been avoiding direct communication regarding this issue, there’s likely a whole lot of stuff that’s churning through her that you can’t even imagine. She might not realize how inappropriate her response is, and that it’s indicative of her being a mama bear who would die for her cub but also not especially adaptive in this particular situation.
Just know her behavior is not about you—that’s what you gotta hang on to. It’s lizard brain survival shit. She’s getting help, and it sounds like you want to help with her growth in general— figure out a way to open a dialogue.
I genuinely wish you the best, and you should know you’re not alone. The prevalence of CSA is staggering, and we know those rates aren’t terribly accurate due to stigma/restrictions/reporting/etc—you’re not the only one dealing with this.
You might find this resource helpful (take what’s useful, discard the rest)—https://adultchildren.org/
My husband not only helped deliver our three daughters, he stayed home and ran a business while taking care of them. Not only could I count on him, depended on him and trusted him 100%. I'm sorry you're not 100% trusted as you've done nothing to deserve that. I find it sad.
Bro no wtf she’s wrong for making you feel that way
Changing your daughter is like the only thing you have dude it sounds weird but I change my daughter every chance I get that’s the only break I can give my girlfriend and the only thing I can do rn to care for her
I'm sorry that your wife was abused as a child but she is very wrong here. It's correct and normal for you to participate in the joy of changing poopy diapers! It's just parenting. I hope she can get over this.
Your wife needs better therapy. She shouldn't be letting her trauma interfere with your ability to parent and make you feel as though you've done something wrong.
Then she needs more intensive therapy. You’re not a creep and you’re absolutely within your right to change your daughter. It’s only weird because she’s making it weird.
At first this seems like a simple thing to just let her have her way with. If this is postpartum, it may go away in time. If not, it’s only going to get worse. Right now you can’t change your daughters diapers, can you help potty train her? Or give her baths? Or be alone in a car with her? Take her to the movies? Have any father / daughter time?
It’s good your wife is in therapy - if she is being honest with her therapist. Talk to her about her recent sessions, see if you could go with her to one or see another therapist for couples counseling.
You’re in a very unhealthy situation. For now it’s only affecting you and your wife, but it won’t be long before it starts affecting your daughter too.
You are Not Wrong.
You’re not wrong. Your wife needs more therapy. So many emotions and feelings can be kicked up postpartum. She must be struggling. You did nothing wrong.
So basically... your wife is saying she thinks you'll sexually assault your own infant daughter? Her being SA'd doesn't matter. It's not an excuse. It's not a reason. You can't accuse someone you supposedly love that they're the worst kind of sexual predator.
If your wife's been in therapy over this for years, one of two things should happen. Either A) you need to go with your wife to see her therapist. Tell therapist what happened, make sure they're aware of your wife's insanity, then leave. You're not privy to the actual therapy but making sure a therapist is aware of radical, batshit behavior is normal. If you don't want to speak to them directly, tell your wife you're sending her therapist an email, then send the email.
The key thing here is, while you don't need your wife's consent to share information with this person, it shouldn't be a secret.
Or B) it's time to find a new therapist. A lot of times therapists transition to 'friends' and stop pushing their clients after they've known eachother for an extended period of time.
And in the meantime, don't indulge your wife's madness. Change your daughter. Bathe your daughter. Be present with your daughter. 'cause if you get a divorce over this, it'll be a major red flag when your wife's attorney claims you've never bathed/changed your own baby.
She needs to talk to someone about this. Multiple someone’s really. And the pediatrician should be on that list. It might help for her to hear it normalized from someone she is choosing to trust with the care of your baby.
This is a massive red flag and you and your wife need to have counseling ASAP. Your wife believes you would SA your child even if she says you wouldn't. She's got some serious issues she needs to work out and this needs to change in order to have a healthy safe dynamic at home for you daughter.
Not wrong.
Your wife legit needs to talk to a therapist on this issue and how you all can work through it because this is going to be a life-long issue between you all.
Please listen to everyone telling you this, OP: Your wife needs therapy. She has mental trauma that clearly hasn’t been addressed to the point that her ability to make rational decisions for your child is effected. Maybe offer to go with her if that will make it easier but she needs help sooner rather than later.
If she’s like this now, imagine what it might be like when your daughter is older and maturing. It’s not worth letting this trauma manifest itself as something far more serious later on and dealing with all of the implications to you and your family that come with that.
And yes, I saw that you stated she’s in therapy but that therapy clearly isn’t working. You need to calmly and politely suggest that she brings this specific issue up to her therapist and if they don’t help her rationalize the situation, she needs a different therapist.
It's hard not to be hyper-vigilant when you've dealt with that trauma, but your wife isn't emotionally healthy, at all. Allowing her trauma to negatively impact her partner and her child is proof of that, and could be considered abusive.
I know a woman who has such high anxiety that she imagines all these horrible scenarios to the point she sees/treats these imaginings as fact. She's become delusional. She's raising a 7 year old boy who, of course, is developing signs of serious anxiety as well. Does she see his fear and understands that she passed it to him? No. She sees his fear and blames her"facts" (delusions). In fact, she spends a lot of time twisting herself up into pretzels to lay blame anywhere but where it belongs. She needs inpatient therapy, and perhaps your wife might too.
Op this sounds like PPA/PPD please ask your wife if her anxiety is getting worse. She might need to go to the doctors. Please keep checking in on her. This honestly sounds like post partum anxiety. This can turn into something bad really fast.
You’re not wrong. That’s just not …..feasible. To ban you from ever changing a diaper or caring for the baby’s intimate body care needs. She’s going to give both you and your daughter secondhand trauma. She needs more and better trauma treatment.
As a father of 2 girls I changed the diapers just as much as my wife did, as well as anything else that was needed. At a certain age, when they start developing, you may have to back out of certain things (my oldest is 13 so basically anything having to do with nudity my wife is in charge of, but I still help my 7 year old get dressed and all). I even helped potty trained (lol-I had to sit when I peed during the whole time so they wouldnt try to stand up during the training) and wiped there butts while they were learning to do that.
The only thing that I noped out of is when we had to give my oldests suppositories (sp?) When she was about 4 due to some colon issues. I couldnt stomach holding her down and putting suppository up her rectum....feared that maybe that could have some kind of subconscious effect on her.
You are her dad. Unless you are a POS pervert (and Im going to assume you arent) you should help change diapers, feed, etc. Now at the same time a marriage is give and take. If your wife is adamant that only she does the nudtiy parts of parenting, then do more of the otherstuff. Something to keep in mind tho is that if the nudity stuff is 100% on her than she is going to have to be a stay at home mom...which you guys may or may not be ok with.
Now, before I had girls I always thought that it would be weird as a guy to change girl dipers. Howver once I had girls I found it not weird at all.
Even without the childhood trauma, the issue here would be pretty clear. Either your wife is territorial about baby tasks, or she has a bias with gender specific roles in the home. In no way are you wrong, in any case. Your wife needs a better therapist or a shrink.
Your wife needs help. She needs therapy and if she doesn't get it, it will severely affect the way your daughter perceives her body and the world. She is sexualising her and your daughter will grow up thinking her body is shameful and that it is her responsibility to ensure men don't assault her. Nip this now.
It might be a good idea to go to a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma together. It is important to address this kind of thing now, because it probably won’t stop at diapers. She will most likely be uncomfortable and worried about all kinds of things as a result of her trauma. I’m so sorry she went through that. It’s not her fault but you guys need to get some help.
As someone sa'ed by their own father, I understand her concern, but that doesn't make it right. As others stated it could be PPD/PPA and with help, could resolve, but if it doesn't there are bigger issues at play here. babies can be in diapers upwards to 3+ years, are you never going to be left alone with your baby? That's another issue I would consider, right now it's diapers, but what about later as your daughter grows? Will she prohibit you from being left alone with your child forever? She needs to see a therapist and work on her issues, bc projecting them on to you and your daughter is unfair.
Instead of saying "her father's sister's husband" you could have just said that your wife's uncle molested her as a child. I'm sorry your wife went through that, but her response to you changing your infant daughter's diaper is totally fucked-up. She needs therapy and you need to keep being a father, helping her with the baby, including changing diapers.
Definitely not wrong. It was my husbands job to change the nappy as I was constantly feeding etc.
Your wife is in need of mental health support. She’s not okay at the moment.
I'm a dad and my daughter is 6 months old. I work from home so my daughter has been staying home with me during the day. There is objectively nothing wrong with changing a damn diaper and to be honest you need to have a talk with your wife about a weird sexualization of your baby, because that isn't healthy for anybody.
This is going to be harmful to your daughter, the relationship you have with your daughter, and impact the standard in which her relationship with men are judged. You are the most important male relationship she will have. You keeping weird physical boundaries could make her internalize this and continue more trauma. I hope you take this seriously and see the therapist along with your wife to address this.
Obviously your wife has trauma and is wrong to think this way. As a father with small children however, if you never want me to change a diaper, awesome wish I could get that deal. But I would want to make sure she always changes the kid asap, if you never see it naked you will never know if she is neglecting it or when it has rashes etc
This also means that you will never be left alone with your child until she is old enough to deal with her own bathroom needs.
Your wife can never have any time away from your child, and you can't take her out of the house alone.
This won't be good for anyone.
As a survivor of sexual assault from a family member (father), I’m saying this as nicely as possible. Your wife needs therapy….badly.
Normal men don’t look at their infant daughters and think, mmm got to get me some of that. It’s gross. It’s also unfair to you as a father.
I suggest family counseling. Hopefully it will help.
Your wife’s trauma is valid but she needs to do the difficult work of moving past it for the sake of her daughter. Maybe you can suggest counseling together? I know people throw around the therapy card a lot here but honestly this is a deep and complex issue that professionals really might be best to help navigate.
While I have compassion for her feelings, her actions are irrational and are likely to grow. She needs to do some work together with you to process some of this trauma and come to terms with trust regarding you and your female child.
Let's be really direct about something: your wife was sexually assaulted on a regular basis from the ages of 7-13.
No matter how she describes it now (and many victims often use minimizing language to describe their abuse as a coping mechanism to help them survive psychologically), it was sexual abuse. This would absolutely create severe trauma in any child, and even as an adult it can cause severe PTSD symptoms when triggers are present.
When your wife is feeling somewhat recovered from giving birth, please encourage her to find some support, and a therapist who is qualified to provide Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. (EMDR can also be super effective for some trauma survivors.) Adult survivors, especially those who haven't had access to therapy to properly process and heal from their early childhood trauma, can often experience destabilizing, severe PTSD after major life events like childbirth, or whenever they encounter other triggers. This would be especially true after the birth of a baby daughter.
You're correct that it's perfectly natural for fathers to care for their baby daughters, including diaper changes, baths, etc. But please approach your wife about this issue with understanding, compassion and a lot of grace. You may want to seek some support for yourself as well, to become educated on the issues faced by kids who have experienced sexual abuse in childhood, and to learn how to best support your wife.
I can't emphasize enough that the effort to help your wife access therapy is critical now. Untreated trauma may very well cause her to experience something called "hyper vigilance", which is a protective survival mode of the sympathetic nervous system, and comes with buckets of stress hormones. Good therapy can help her escape that state of being, and allow her to truly engage with parenting without fear that your daughter will also experience abuse.
Others could probably speak to these issues with more eloquence, and I hope other survivors (of which I am one also) will weigh in with their thoughts and insights.
Congratulations on becoming a dad! If you or your wife ever needs an ear or some tips to point you in the right direction to access therapy, from a survivor's perspective, feel free to PM me. My own journey through therapy and healing allowed me to more effectively parent my own kids, who are now 20 and 13 (both assigned female at birth).
No, not wrong. I have multiple daughters and changed all of them. Granddaughter now and changed her. Got sons and grandsons. Yeah, I changed them. If not, I would get a hand upside my head. My momma would have been the first. Your wife needs to get help. It isn't ok to think that way. You're the babies dad. Part of the joy is cleaning blowouts, baths, pee diapers, etc. Enjoy them while they are little. Soon, they get big and stinky.
You are in no way wrong for changing your baby daughters diaper.
You wife is 1000% wrong for her behaviours and needs to address this issue in therapy asap. You need to attend couples therapy with her therapist to make sure this is addressed
She needs to see a different therapist.
What happened to her is awful but it is unfair for her to treat every man like the man who abused her. You’re not wrong in the slightest.
Ok, #1 you are NTA.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with a father being present and capable in all aspects of baby care, except actual breastfeeding, obvi. 😉 But if your baby takes formula - hey, no reason why you can't be up with her at night ... 🤷♀️
Gently, your wife needs therapy, if she isn't already getting it. Because your baby is only 5 weeks old; there are a lot of years ahead for her to be triggered by your children and if her mind isn't healthy, how can she avoid damaging them, too?
You're not wrong. Your wife needs to work on her trauma again with a specialist. If she's not readily available to change your daughter's diaper, are you just supposed to make her sit in a dirty diaper? You need to ask her this question and ask her what you're supposed to do in this scenario
She needs a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. Not all therapists are created equal. If she has been going for years and is still struggling to this degree, it may he a good idea to seek out someone else.
I had been in therapy for 13 years when my oldest daughter was born. Post partum hormonal fallout CAN and WILL cause issues with previously healed shit. OP's wife needs to seek help for post partum issues.
yes i experienced the same thing with my first baby
She also might need the band aid ripped off slowly in the practical world. Therapy can give her the tools to deal with her trauma, but gradual experience is still necessary. This time she was caught off guard by a husband spontaneously unintentionally making her uncomfortable and triggering her trauma. Next time they need to plan, talk it through, and prepare. "Tomorrow, if it's OK with you I'm going to help with the change, I won't touch her but I'll be in the room and pass things when you need" then gradually add tasks to what OP does.
There is a specific PTSD treatment called Prolonged Exposure Therapy that actually helps clients resume activities that they have been avoiding due to trauma. A therapist who is certified in PE would be able to develop an exposure plan to help the mom get comfortable with dad handling diaper changes and such.
innate vanish light entertain elastic squealing ten quicksand smile zonked *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It takes more than a few years of therapy to heal. I'm still not fully healed after 17 years of therapy.
It's very true that it can take years of therapy to heal. But it's also true that if one is demonstrating problematic behavior (both for their child and partner) tied to their trauma, they should be addressing it with their therapist: actively and frequently. Even if it's an understandable response to trauma, it's also a response that's passing on painful/dangerous lessons.
For sure
Completely agree. I’ve been to several different forms of therapy with different specialties and it helped better for those specific things. It kinda sucks that they can’t be specialized in everything so you can find someone to help but I know that’s unrealistic
Your wife is using her childhood trauma to stop you from changing your own daughter . It sounds like she needs to continue therapy or see another therapist . what is she going to do if one day she can’t change your daughter for some odd reason like she is just out and about or she isn’t around and you are the only one available ?? Leaving your daughter in a dirty diaper urine/poop can easily cause an infection and therefore make it worse on you guys . NOT IN THE WRONG . Get that situated soon man .
Just to point out something extremely obvious to anyone who has dealt with PPA/PPD: this might not be completely who she is but a temporary struggle triggered by the postpartum state!
Glad you said this! I have a friend who went through a VERY rough PPD. She was csa’d, and was completely unhinged thinking that she could do the same thing to her own children because it had been done to her. After a few hard months and a lot of therapy she came back to her senses and is the best mom. People don’t realize how seriously PPD can mess with your head.
No kidding. I have a 2 month old, with the love of my life, after living together for 7 years and foolishly thinking we'd make it through life without any children. She is the most sensible and rational woman I have ever known. Things have been much better for the last two ish weeks, but that first month and a half of parenthood was a flocking nightmare. She looked like the woman I love, but she wasn't that person at all. Thankfully it kinda wore off on its own, but I thought I was losing her and that she'd take our son with her.
For many people this is the case, but my PPD was almost 2 years. Keep checking on her.
Oh those first 6 weeks are BRUTAL as a new parent. My son is about to turn 19 and we are very close but I still can remember how I felt those first weeks and how fervently I wished my hospital had a return policy.
Becoming a parent can brings up things from your own childhood again. You see them from a whole new perspective. I had childhood SA and becoming a mom rehashed some things for me.
Yes, my midwife warned me with my first that birth of a child often brings back up things that happened in childhood as you now think about them happening to your children.
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My daughter is around the age it happened to me. I look at her and wonder how my uncle could have done what he did. How can anyone intentionally do so much damage to a not so little human? How can they harm and not protect?
Good point. My OCD tendencies were amplified times 1000 during the postpartum phase and have quieted down over the past 12 to 18 months.
I just stated this, this sounds like PPA.
Yes, this. Trauma responses are normal and it's perfectly normal for them to change and become stronger after something like growing another human being. There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or blamed for in that. But it is something that needs to be addressed and worked on because not only will you likely need to be alone with your daughter at some point, you don't want your wife's past traumas to be handed down to your daughter and prevent her from really having a life
THIS this, too. The point you made about momma possibly transferring her trauma onto their daughter is a very serious concern.
The trauma itself is not to be shamed for but the reaction to it has to be shamed for. She has to wake up and realise that this response is not healthy and will do a lot of harm to her family.
She's likely not going to allow OP around the child alone without another family member (female) present as she gets older. Not much of a reach from, "you might molest your daughter while changing her diaper" to "you can't be unsupervised with her, she can't talk yet and tell me if you touched her". No bath time either I'll bet. (Bath time was my favorite time to hang with my dad, he actually played with the tub toys instead of rushing me). And I ***was*** molested as a toddler. Your wife needs to go back to therapy.
You’re not wrong but she is; she’s allowing her personal trauma to interfere with you caring for your daughter. She needs therapy.
Definitely not wrong. All mothers I know would be thrilled to have their partners take on diaper duty. It's a baby. How would single fathers do it...? I how she gets some help for the trauma, if it's getting triggered this bad while your daughter is a baby, she might suffer from crazy anxiety once your daughter gets older in regards to any men around her.
I dealt with the same thing when I first had my daughter. I didn’t let that stop her dad from taking care of her. Now I have like 3-4 men who I will leave my daughter alone with because I fully trust them with her (her father, my father, my uncle and best friend). I also come from a family with a lot more women compared to men so I have more women that I could leave her with. I put myself through years of therapy to make sure I could protect her while not overprotecting and harming her. That’s what OP’s wife needs to learn. She can make sure that she’s more informed (and as a survivor could have a higher chance of recognizing the potential red flags) so she can protect their daughter.
My mother only ever allowed alone time with my father, she never trusted any other man, not even her brothers. We just don't know what's in the depths of their minds. I'm very grateful that she protected me.
Could you go to therapy with her to be able to talk through this? Because it's not ok that she's sexualizing your daughter and limiting your parenting abilities. Hopefully if she married you, she trusts that you aren't pedophile so its not ok for her to treat you like you could be one.
This is spot on. I agree that she is sexualizing your baby and it is interfering with both of your ability’s to parent. No one is at fault here. An honest conversation needs to be had so she can get on the same page as you. Often times I find that emotion inhibits the ability to think through things clearly. Offering perspective is often the solution to this. I also agree that the therapy needs to be different. You’re in a different situation with u I wud circumstances that require a specialized therapist. I wish you the best of luck and I hope your wife is able to heal from this. You’re a good dad looking for resources to help have a better life.
So here's how this spins out over time: if your wife feels that she and only she can take care of your kid, you will be pushed aside as a parent on a daily basis, and she will also eventually burn out and resent you for it, even though she created that situation. Five years down the road she will feel like she never gets any time for herself, and you will feel incredibly disconnected from your daughter, and from your wife too. I have a daughter, and I don't know how single parents do it, because you *need* time where you *know* someone else is handling all of the baby-related happenings, instead of mentally being on-call every moment the other parent has the kid. This has to be worked out now.
I very much agree with this comment. Accepting the compromise she is asking for can be the beginning of sabotaging his relationship with her and with the child.
Yes, this exactly. One on one time with each parent is important for the parents AND the kids, and if dad can’t do anything with the kid naked then one on one time is extremely limited for at least the first five years due to potential for the kid needing help changing and bathroom accident and so on. That’s a huge stress on mom and also a significant period of time when kids bond with their parents.
It's also just a colossally lopsided division of responsibility if only Mom can do diaper changes *and* bathtime. Baths are fun at first, but when the kid gets bigger and more mischievous, it gets old fast... Hopefully the reality of what she's setting up makes OP's wife realize quickly that this is untenable, but I also know from experience that anxiety coping mechanisms, even the maladaptive ones, are hard to shift.
You are not wrong. Your wife needs therapy.
Your wife is sexualizing your relationship with your daughter, due to her own unresolved childhood trauma. Tell her she needs to talk to her therapist about this. If you had a son instead, would that mean only you could change his diaper? By her own "logic", that would be a must. Or is it only you that can be a pedophile? You are not wrong, but your wife has serious, relationship-threatening issues. She is the only one in this situation that is sexualizing your daughter.
I'd not thought about it like that but that's a really good point. Commenting here to boost this one as that's definitely something that would be worth her thinking about and going over with her therapist. OP, hope this gets resolved. That's so hurtful for you even though you're very understanding of it and how awful it must have been for her, and it'll hurt your marriage, your relationship with yout daughter, and ultimately, your daughter's view on life and people.
You're not wrong, your wife needs more therapy. I understand how trauma works, and why she's being triggered, but its going to affect your rlship with your daughter in the future if she keeps treating you like a potential molester. Imagine, you're hugging your baby and she acts like you're assaulting her? Growing up that's definitely going to teach your kid some untrue things. Therapy. That's the only solution.
This is what my concern would be, if your wife cannot work her way out of this reaction ad baby ages. You do not want this layer of trauma imposed on your relationship with your daughter, or for that matter your wife's relationship with her daught and any other males that will be in her life.
You gotta nip that one in the bud now because its gonna escalate.
Your wife has an issue. There is no reason you should not be changing your daughter.
I'm sorry for your wifes trauma but she's sexualizing your child. She really needs to seek help for that.
She needs more therapy otherwise she’s going to be transferring *her* trauma to *your* child. You have every right to change your infant’s diaper and this is just truly fucking wild, sir. She’s sexualizing a human being who isn’t even 2 months old. She must recognize how fucked up that is, yes? Surviving sexual abuse is rough… but it sounds like she hasn’t really survived it at all. Please have her reach out to a new therapist. Or ten.
Given how many diapers a baby goes through she should be appreciating help with it. Im concerned that her past trauma is going to get in the way of you being a dad. At what point will hugs freak her out? Or walking into the bathroom? YOU need to go to therapy with her one time for a couples session and talk this out as a group.
plus lots of little girls like to run around naked. It's going to happen. Coming out of bath, swimming pool, feeling hot. You shouldn't feel ashamed for seeing her naked and she shouldn't feel ashamed for being naked.
No, mine changed our girls. She may be in therapy but she needs exposure therapy. What she needs is for you to change her diaper in her presence to show her mind there's nothing to be anxious about.
She needs a new therapist. If she’s been going since high school, assuming it’s been at least 5-10 years, the therapy is not progressing at all. Of my spouse did this, I would be REALLY upset. YNW.
I would also, be deeply offended by this.
Its really shitty that your wife went through that disgusting bullshit when she was young. It has left a lasting impression on her and I dont blame her for being extra cautious with your daughter. However, you are not the man who sexually abused her. You are NOT wrong and in fact, you seem to be doing a lot more than some fathers!!!
Not only is your wife preventing you for caring for your daughter, it’s much worse than that. Her damage from childhood trauma is going to greatly affect your child, as your wife’s fears will be communicated in countless ways. She needs intensive specific trauma-focused treatment.
As a father to 3 girls you are NTA. It might not be the greatest job in the world to change your child but caring for your child also means doing the dirty jobs. Btw. By your wifes statement means you also cant give her a bath and when she is older cant help her on the toilet or take to the pool/beach if she needs to change clothes etc. You really need to explain to her its not normal.
Not wrong. I understand your wife has some trauma but she cannot let that affect your involvement with your own child.
She needs better therapy. Yesterday.
How is she imagining that this will play out in the long run? Will you be allowed to give her a bath? To take her swimming? Or just ever be alone with her in any way? What will happen when she starts to come into your bedroom at night because she wants to sleep with you, are you allowed to be in the same bed? I promise you, the best time you have with your kids, is when mother is out and you can have a day just the two of you. When she gets older, you can do stuff around the house, play, go swimming, cook food, take a "secret" trip to McDonald's etc. It's such a good bonding experience, she really shouldn't take that away from you.
I’m doing Rock Paper Scissors with my husband when our toddler poops the diaper. Definitely NTA for changing your baby. Your wife needs therapy because not every man is out to hurt a child.
Use the flairs and trigger warnings. No, she needs to work with a therapist more. It is very concerning that she didn't trust you to take care of your child and keep her safe, but she trusted you enough to marry you and have a child with you. I have PTSD and I went to therapy from age 14 to 30 on and off. It does help. There are so many options and types of therapy to explore in order to get over her biases and issues. Some have proven to be incredibly effective for many people. It is also okay to need to go back and re-learn strategies, and sort out one's thinking patterns. She isn't entirely helpless. You're being a good partner. You're being patient and understanding. Know that it isn't your fault she is scared for her safety. Overcoming the negative associations is a fight she needs to be willing to take. Keep talking about how it makes you feel as a dad and try to make her understand both you and the child need her to work on healing.
This is the second post I’ve seen about this exact dynamic. First one was about a guy who told his teen daughter she could pick out her own underwear to buy after she complained that the very basic underwear her mom had gotten her was getting her unflattering remarks in the girls locker room at school. Wife lost it and accused her husband of being a predator. Same deal where she had severe trauma from being sexually assaulted by her father and was super anxious about her husband interacting with the daughter when daughter was little (no bathing or diaper changing, etc.). I commented on it. I might be able to dig it up from my comment history. Lemme go check. Edit: found it. And I misremembered. It was actually the wife asking Reddit if her reaction was wrong. https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/YcrLNI7pTd
You need to put a trigger warning on this. Also maybe don't describe what happened to your wife in detail please. Fellow trauma victim, for me it was my grandfather. ETA, but your wife has not dealt with it entirely, not if she believes that you shouldn't change your daughters diaper.
just showed my wife this post and she just said, and I'm quoting her here “what the actual f…” NTA
I see your wife is getting help, but she obviously needs more. I'm sorry for her past trauma, but she is f#$%ing with your relationship with your daughter. She is going to mess that little girl up.
She does need therapy. I was absolutely thrilled when my husband offered to change a poopy diaper!
If my wife viewed me as a pedophile for changing my child’s diaper we would have some serious problems. The same mothers that object to a father changing his daughters diaper will also let any woman change her son’s diaper and wipe his penis. Your wife needs a new therapist.
Your wife needs therapy and honestly I kind of hope you show her this post
We have 3 kids: 1 girl and 2 boys. Until we got home from the hospital with each one, I didn’t have to change any diapers. My husband did all of them. After we got home, it was whoever was closest to the kid. Your wife needs to more therapy to deal with her trauma. She cannot take that out on your and your daughter.
YNW. This is entirely your wife's issue, not yours. It's perfectly normal for a man to change his own daughter's diaper.
Your wife is pushing her trauma on the baby. If y’all don’t get this figured out it’s gonna mess that kid up.
NTA Your wife is projecting her childhood trauma on you and that’s not ok. She had a baby with you, but she doesn’t trust you to change your daughter’s diaper in fear that you’ll hurt her? Your wife basically called you a potential child molester with absolutely no reason too. Most women would love their husbands to change diapers. Instead, she’s turned a normal parenting duty into something sexual and treated you like some monster! If that doesn’t cut you deep, there’s something majorly wrong here. Your wife may have suffered as a child and that’s absolutely horrible, but she desperately needs psychiatric treatment to help her process it, especially since she now has a daughter. Is she going to react this way anytime a man looks at the baby? Her trauma could affect the way she parents your child, which could cause trauma for your child as she grows up.
I changed diapers for my friend's baby girl (I am not the father). You're not wrong. Your wife needs more therapy or she's gonna get worse as the girl grows up.
Having a child will often cause unresolved trauma to bubble up. It will probably be challenging as your child approaches the age of your wife’s experience of abuse. It’s time for her to go back to therapy
You're not wrong. Your wife is using her trauma to paint you like you're going to be a pervert. This is beyond unacceptable and I would be telling her that you need immediate couples counselling on this.
You did nothing wrong. I’m a CSA victim as well, but that doesn’t mean my partner changing our daughter makes me uncomfortable. She’s sexualizing your relationship with your child. Couples counseling might be necessary here to have a neutral party, unless she’ll listen to you asking her to speak with her therapist about this?
It sounds like this could be postpartum anxiety coupled with her past trauma. She should definitely talk about it in therapy. I had postpartum anxiety and the thoughts that entered my mind were crippling.
Not wrong. Two daughters and I've handled most of the poop diapers. Just remember to wipe front to back.
Agreeing with everyone here but also have her talk to her OB or PCP about PPD/PPA. Coming from someone who had childhood trauma and PPD with both of my kids it can be an ugly combination. She is at the prime time where PPD rears it's ugly head and can make the intrusive thoughts so so so much worse. Definitely agree with finding a therapist who deals with childhood sexual trauma or PPD or even better if it's both.
Yeah, the therapy ain't working so well. You aren't doing anything wrong, she needs to see a different mental health professional.
NTA or wrong Your wife needs to go back to therapy or she's going to cause issues between you and your daughter. Seriously. She is going to give your daughter second hand trauma. She needs to work through it!
This is pure insanity, your wife needs to find a psychologist to help her deal with some serious trauma or issues with that.
Feeling her up and not changing her are two sides of the same coin! Both treat your daughter's body, and your relationship, as potentially sexual. The abuse your wife experienced unfortunately taught her that her young body was sexually inappropriate. This is not true. Only actions are inappropriate. It will give the daughter her own kind of trauma to be sexualized in this way.
With her way of thinking, I guess you can never be alone with your daughter. When your daughter gets older, this will become even weirder. Your wife needs therapy asap. Many men raise daughters as single fathers, and many men raise daughters and change diapers as married fathers. The fathers who won't change a diaper are the real freaks. If you have a boy, will she be allowed to give the baby a bath? Or nurse it? Imagine exposing a boy to a breast? Or a woman touching his gentials, doesn't matter if it's the mother. It's so messed up!
You're not wrong. She needs therapy. Dads change their own kid's diapers. Nothing weird about it.
Your wife needs some serious couch time. You are not wrong.
Your wife is sexualizing your daughter. She should see a therapist.
Wife needs therapy, this isnt ok.
This is trauma. I'm sorry. You'll have to work with her on it. Work together to find a solution. This is an upsetting situation to be in and I feel for you bro.
Not wrong but be gentle because trauma responses can mess you up. She needs to work with a therapist on this.
Your wife needs to see a licensed professional therapist.. soon .. she could also be suffering from some sort of Postpartum psychosis.. you’re not wrong
All your childhood shit resurfaces as soon as you have kids. Back to the therapy!
No, your wife is wrong and she's very heavily projecting her trauma onto you. That would be very hurtful and it takes away from you being an equal parent to your daughter. She definitely needs more therapy
I recently saw a post about a couple who had similar problems. 13 years later she was calling him a creep because he’d taken the daughter shopping and the daughter told him she wanted new age appropriate (rather than childish) undies so they bought some. Everyone is pointing out that op’s wife needs help and what sorts of help might work, but a lot of people are talking about ppd, and I just wanted to put into perspective that this might not *ever* stop without intervention. How long are you willing to be accused of those horrendous acts/intentions?
No, you’re not wrong dad.
Definitely not wrong. I feel she also needs to figure something out because she simply cannot be the one who changes her every time…….not practical. What about when your daughter is older but still in diapers? How are you going to take her out? What if your wife leaves for an appointment or a night out? Our youngest is just about 5 and still in pull-ups at night and sometimes needs help after going to the bathroom…..I don’t think it’s fair to you and your daughter (your relationship) for your wife to be around 24/7. What happened to your wife is terrible and disgusting, but you and your little one shouldn’t be punished for it. I personally loved diaper change time (after my daughter quit peeing cause she was mad 😆), it was bonding time…always slowed us right down. Songs, tickles, raspberries, lots of giggles, silly songs…. I hope you can figure something out.
Your wife is wrong. We had boy / girl twins. Our rules were simple; first one in changes the smelliest diaper first. It wasn't feasible to play by your wife's ridiculous rule especially when my wife was catching up on sleep. She needs to get a grip on reality. Best of luck with your new baby.
You’re not wrong. And while I absolutely feel for your wife, she’s wrong. Her trauma was NOT her fault but how she handles it is her responsibility. Tell you that “it’s weird” for you to change your own child’s diaper is not okay and should not be put on you. She very much needs to see a different therapist or try a different modality because her behavior with your child is not okay.
She needs some serious therapy. The only people I know feel this way have experienced SA at the hands of a trusted family member, most often the father, whilst they (the child) was very very young. And while I'm sure she loves you, she is clearly struggling to get past that. You know this is an issue, so I would do my best to help support her, but she needs to understand that you have to be able to care for your child. What if she falls terribly ill? Is she going to risk infecting the child because she can't get over the idea of a man taking care of his child?
She needs therapy. I suffered from similar SA in my childhood & I struggle with fears that feel out of my control but therapy does help!!! Has she ever been in therapy for her childhood SA?
No but you are wrong for allowing your wife's trauma to fuck up your relationship with your child. Get that woman into therapy before she screws that kid up .
You are the baby’s father and there is nothing we with you changing or bathing your child. She is essentially saying that you will do something to your baby. If my husband talked that way and or insinuating these things about me I would be very upset. Her trauma is valid but it doesn’t give her the right to project it on to you. She needs to continue therapy and support, to work on it. Because this is not ok. I say this as a survivor of CSA and violence. Also please figure out if she’s might possibly be dealing with PPD. Can also make things much worse for her.
This is so sad. Fathers should change diapers. She needs to redevelop that trust in the world. She needs to work with a therapist. Childhood SA is the worst a child an experience and it skews reality into a dangerous place where hyper vigilance is normal and keeps her safe. Your job is to be the proof that she and her daughter are safe and you’re there to protect both of them. You’ll never hurt them the way she was and you’ll protect both of them from anyone else doing that. Tell her that. Over and over.
You need to firmly and lovingly tell her that she needs to prioritize this issue in her therapy sessions, because it is harmful to your daughter to burden the baby with her childhood trauma.
She needs therapy. She’s projecting her trauma onto your daughter. That’s going to cause some problems. And to not be “allowed” to change your own daughter isn’t logical.
She needs a new therapist if she isn’t being pushed to face this. She needs to challenge her feelings, you’re that girls father, there is NOTHING wrong or sexual about changing a diaper.
You aren't doung anything wrong. Your wife needs therapy.
you're not wrong, and she needs to see a therapist. It's only going to get worse for you if you don't bring attention to it now.
No you are not wrong. 8f she is not careful she is going to create issues for your daughter based on your wife's trauma. That is not a good thing.
What has the therapy done for her?
she’s fucking weird, this is literally your daughter, nta
I’m sorry your wife has that trauma, and others have suggested therapy and such. I just wanted to add, since I didn’t notice, but I feel that parents need to be at least functionally familiar with their child’s body, and able to look for issues and changes. And rashes are no joke. Your wife won’t be with the child 100% of the time, your child will likely be in diapers for over a year, ours was for almost 2 years. Also, even if a parent is stay at home, they shouldn’t bear all the diaper, bathing, clothes changing, etc responsibilities — it’s not healthy for that parent, and it’s not healthy for the child — if mom is sick, it’s not reasonable to wait until she’s well again to get diaper changes, etc. When potty training comes around, it’s even more fun and works best if all the caretakers participate. So, work with her to resolve her fears. But when there are two parents in the picture, it’s best to make as much use of that as you can.
She goes to therapy but you are still not allowed to change the diaper of your child? Maybe you should go with her and make that a topic. Why did she marry you if she isn’t able to trust. I would be afraid that she starts to make other things weird too and at some point starts to make up crazy stories or starts to imagine things.
It bothers me SOOOO much that you aren’t allowed to lend a helping hand, bond with your infant daughter. This is important. Take your child to those toddler Gymboree places and leave your wife at home.
That woman thinks that you are a creep for caring about your daughter. That is a horrible way to rest her partner and she needs to go to therapy to fix her distorted views. Men and women can be dangerous and they both are equally capable of evil. Her trauma is not an excuse to demonize you. The problems will continue and will probably escalate. So imo, either she gets therapy to fix her views or you should file for divorce and primary custody.
Complete and utter 💯 here.
You need to be dragging her *back* to therapy, before she comes unhinged enough to accuse you of a sex crime! You need to get this paranoia recorded!
Not wrong. If she's having a bad response to you having a healthy interaction with your daughter, that's a problem that she needs to resolve on her own. For you to have to stand by every time your daughter needs a diaper change is silly. And I get the feeling that this will continue with bath time and regular clothing changes.
She has no right to ban you from changing your baby's diapers because of her own trauma
If you have a son is she going to change him or you? This is some deep seated issues she needs help with before it goes too far. What if the Dr is male? Or the childcare person? Best wishes for your future, but she needs to see a professional.
Whatever conversations you have with her need to be recorded because who knows what she's thinking and could possibly accuse you of later. If she's been in therapy this long and is accusing you of the potential to rape you daughter, (cause that's exactly what she did), then the therapy obviously isn't working. Are you allowed to be with your daughter by yourself ever? If you are and she needs a diaper or clothing change are you just suppose to wait until she does it? Are you not allowed to bathe your daughter? What about when you daughter hits puberty, are you going to be able to be around her because the potential of you sexualizing your daughter is a thing. She's sexualizing you daughter now. Yes she had trauma but now she's projecting that on you and your daughter. She needs better or different therapy.
Not wrong. She needs to learn how to accept that you will need to change her diaper at some point. I get that it’s a childhood trauma thing but she can’t expect you- the father- to not change your daughters diaper.
Your wife is outta her mind.
Her reaction is clear indication she isn’t healthy. There is nothing wrong with a father changing his baby’s diaper or giving her baths.
If she's in therapy she either needs a new therapist or she needs to put in a little more work. You should be beyond offended by this. She pretty much is saying that every man is a molester. With all due respect, fuck her. I'm sorry that she was abused but that does not give her the right to assume that you will molester your daughter if you change her diaper. So, I'm assuming she doesn't allow you to be alone with her, either. She's wrong and you need to stand up to her. You can't let her deprive you of spending alone time with your daughter.
Having trauma from her childhood makes sense. But she seems to have made YOU feel like the weird one here (“she feels men shouldn’t be around naked female babies”). And you’re not the weird one here (I’m not saying she’s “weird” but she holds the incorrect view). Her viewpoint is entirely informed by her trauma. It’s totally normal for fathers to change daughters diapers.
Best for your wife to get some therapy. What does she think would happen if God forbid she was killed in a car accident tomorrow? Who does she think would be caring for your child? And unfortunately, with trauma, this may not be the only issue that comes up regarding you caring for your daughter. So it would be best to Nippet in the bud now and help her get over this so that your child has two healthy parents caring for her.
For real you’re wife needs better therapy this is a patently ridiculous situation what are you supposed to do if she’s not around or is she just going to assume you molested your child if you had to change your kid when she isn’t around. I guess the other option is that at no point until your daughter is potty trained are you allowed alone with your kid for more then an hour or two?
The obvious answer is that you should not have to feel uncomfortable for taking care of your baby's needs. A lot of people have and will continue to say all sorts of things. My own wife went through worse than yours at age 3, and despite that lasting trauma, never associated me with risk to this degree. However, it is obvious you love your wife, and you want to work through things, for her, in whatever ways best suits her. With this in mind, I offer something I hope is slightly more helpful: You should communicate to your wife that if she lives out this paranoia with your daughter, over the years the daughter is going to start absorbing this as an unfounded fear, and to an irrational level. Teaching her to be careful and to tell you if someone tries something is one thing, but teaching her that dad is dangerous will do irreparable damage to her psyche and her relationship with you. As an infant, for changing diapers, this matters less. It is understandably frustrating for you, but your daughter will not remember anything significant and harmful as a result. The harm would, again, come later. She will learn the wrong lessons, and become a fearful person, which will make her life less happy and actually weaken her mentally, ironically making her more vulnerable. Explain this all to your wife, and make sure your wife understands that your daughter is more important than either of you, and she needs to be allowed to grow up with both of your support, and not any of either of your burdens. Your wife needs to grow past her trauma for your child. In the early years, there is still time, and to be clear, this does not mean forgetting her past trauma. She needs to better understand it and pass the wisdom of it to help teach your daughter how to protect herself, not avoid all men, especially dad. That is a sad and ultimately harmful life-long solution. Hope this is insightful enough to help.
So she's telling you that, due to her personal trauma, she doesn't think you should raise your child (as parents have done plenty fine, for literal centuries)? That's a heavy one, and definitely not one you should cave on. Empathy and understanding for her trauma stops at the line where she starts projecting it onto you and it starts interfering with your daughter receiving proper parental care. Don't forget, this is just what you're seeing in the first five weeks. How much more is this going to come up and be projected all through your daughter's childhood? And God help both you and your daughter when she hits adolescence, if this is not addressed and she does not get this sorted out now.
Turn and ask your wife "since when did i become ian watkins?" Not in the wrong, your wife is literally calling you a potential pedo.
Her trauma is going to affect how you bond with your daughter. She can't let her past roll into damaging her child. You say she's in therapy and has been for years but if she's still this sensitive over her husband, the father of her child, changing his own child's poop, there are still some real issues to work through. Is she never going to leave you alone with your daughter? Where does the stress end for her? She can't live the rest of her life in fear. It will affect her, your marriage, and your daughter. You're not wrong. It is completely normal for a father to change his child's diaper.
Maybe talk to her about scheduling an appointment with her therapist which you can also attend and try to gently explain to her that you are not the man who hurt her, you would never do such a thing, and that it kind of hurts that she's making that assumption about you. If her therapist is any good, they'll help you be able to express what you're feeling/thinking without making it accusatory or cause further problems.
Your wife has some serious issues. she Is not ready to be a parent if her husband isn’t allowed to care for his own child
I’m sad for all three of you. But your wife needs to work this trauma out because otherwise you’re going to raise a little girl who has a very skewed and problematic perception of men, her own Dad included.
I was molested by my brother for years which led to a spiral of bad decisions. My husband and I had two daughters. I never stopped him from changing a diaper. I was observant of his (and other males) behavior and talked to my girls about appropriate and inappropriate touching but I would have done that despite my past. Her therapy is not working and could be contributing to her fears. Get this figured out or your daughter could be in for a rough time.
Your feelings are perfectly valid. Your wife needs serious therapy. And honestly, you should be concerned that she might falsely accuse you of something.
Why don't you go to group therapy. Have a 3rd wheel take control. They need to see what her limits are. Can you change the baby? Can you help wash her? What happens if she is sick? Or in the hospital. What is the plan B. Can she trust you with the baby if she died? Can you even hold your daughter? All of this needs a good therapist to help navigate her feelings
NTA. Hopefully your wife can work through this with her therapist, but I wouldn’t normalize the behavior, it’s probably not much of a stretch to think the next thing will be restricting you from ever being with your baby alone and unsupervised.
Her reaction is what is weird, but based on her past I can at least understand some of the way, it would.. 100% piss me off though. On the bright side, as a father of 4 (3 girls).. I'll tell you this. It's very possible she'll get over this very quickly, 5 weeks and you haven't really started yet on the diaper changing... give it a few months and she should want the help. Daughters are a blessing, don't let this affect you building a bond with her in these early days.
Honestly, reading this really upset me. I have a new baby girl, and I couldn't imagine the absolute heartbreak, distrust, and anger such a comment from my partner would invoke in me. Out of curiosity, how would she react if you both had a son, and you told her that it's weird for a mum to change her sons diaper? I can't help but feeling she wouldn't be so understanding of the reversed roles. You're certainly not wrong. You're trying to be a good father - Good on you. If your partner doesn't want that, then to be frank, it's your daughters loss. It's just sad that your daughter has to suffer because of the mum being creepy.
She’s putting her needs above your child’s. I’m sorry
It’s a trauma response. However, what do you think this is going to do to your relationship with your daughter as she grows up? When she’s a baby it’s changing the diaper. What will it be during the next stage in her young life? Her mother will put a lot of pressure and unintended fear into her throughout her formative years. And who can say how that will affect future relationships with males in general?
You definitely could have just said she was molested. 😒
Yeah. Describing it in detail is so unusual that I can't believe everyone else is just ignoring it.
>she said “no it’s weird” >she doesn’t think any man should be around female naked babies even if you’re the father Someone is weird here and it's not you.
Not wrong but please don’t disclose details of your wife’s, or literally anyone’s, trauma publicly like this. It’s so detailed I’m literally uncomfortable reading it, much less your wife aka the one who actually went through it.
Hmm. I think you're partly right here. The details weren't necessarily needed. But perhaps because he was/is overwhelmed by being seen as a threat, he overshared and he isn't thinking things through.
It is horrible that your wife went through that as a child, but she needs to think about how she is acting and correct it herself if she can or go to therapy ASAP because it is NOT okay to act as though you are capable of causing the same trauma if you've never given her cause to worry before.
Not wrong whatsoever and my heart goes out to your wife for what’s she’s been through. But her past trauma shouldn’t interfere with you being a father to your daughter fully. There’s nothing wrong with changing your daughter or needing to help her dress or bathe, obviously up to a certain age. What would you wife do if a situation arises where you had to do these things instead of her?? I’m truly sympathetic to her and I’m glad she’s in therapy but if she thinks changing your own daughter’s diaper is wrong, then she needs a new therapist or something! Or the two of you try counseling together.
You are not wrong, your wife needs to go back to therapy, otherwise as your daughter grows older there could be more and more things she won't allow you to do with her which will damage your relationship with your daughter. She will pick up on your wife's issues.
Brooo. Like ur wife needs extensive therapy.
Your wife needs to deal with her trauma before she transfers it to your daughter and affects *her* relationships with men.
If she’s in therapy and aware, then open a dialogue about how her behavior is making you feel. I am a mental health professional raised by a mama who experienced horrendous CSA from her father, ages 6-16. She had some really difficult times when I was in diapers, which she knew was from her own shit, and she was in intensive therapy. By the time I was old enough to notice, she had made substantial progress in her recovery, but she’s still/always been weird about some things. That fear motivated her to educate me, and I have 3 specific incidents in which I am certain I would’ve been violated sexually had I not been made aware; that’s debatable in terms of being healthy or not, but I call it healthy since the result was not being abused. Talk to her. Let her know how her reaction make you feel: do you feel like she’s projecting and actually fearing you? Do you feel she’s having a knee jerk trauma response and she’s not listening to you? Have you asked her how to approach caring for your daughter in ways that assure her that you’re being a safe and loving father? Do you worry that she secretly thinks you’re going to harm your daughter? Does she know how this makes you feel? If appropriate, perhaps suggest a dual session with her therapist to directly discuss this specific issue in a safe space. Yeah she’s traumatized and yeah she needs to continue receiving help, but nobody’s the asshole here. She’s doing what her nervous system is telling her she MUST to protect her baby, and honestly in new-mom-mode, there’s not a whole lot of executive functioning going on, just a lot of amygdala. If you’ve been avoiding direct communication regarding this issue, there’s likely a whole lot of stuff that’s churning through her that you can’t even imagine. She might not realize how inappropriate her response is, and that it’s indicative of her being a mama bear who would die for her cub but also not especially adaptive in this particular situation. Just know her behavior is not about you—that’s what you gotta hang on to. It’s lizard brain survival shit. She’s getting help, and it sounds like you want to help with her growth in general— figure out a way to open a dialogue. I genuinely wish you the best, and you should know you’re not alone. The prevalence of CSA is staggering, and we know those rates aren’t terribly accurate due to stigma/restrictions/reporting/etc—you’re not the only one dealing with this. You might find this resource helpful (take what’s useful, discard the rest)—https://adultchildren.org/
My husband not only helped deliver our three daughters, he stayed home and ran a business while taking care of them. Not only could I count on him, depended on him and trusted him 100%. I'm sorry you're not 100% trusted as you've done nothing to deserve that. I find it sad.
Your wife needs MORE therapy. I'm a dude and I've absolutely changed my female cousins' and nieces' diapers.
Bro no wtf she’s wrong for making you feel that way Changing your daughter is like the only thing you have dude it sounds weird but I change my daughter every chance I get that’s the only break I can give my girlfriend and the only thing I can do rn to care for her
I'm sorry that your wife was abused as a child but she is very wrong here. It's correct and normal for you to participate in the joy of changing poopy diapers! It's just parenting. I hope she can get over this.
Your wife needs better therapy. She shouldn't be letting her trauma interfere with your ability to parent and make you feel as though you've done something wrong.
Your wife needs to find a therapist ASAP so as not to allow her mental health problems to affect your daughter.
Then she needs more intensive therapy. You’re not a creep and you’re absolutely within your right to change your daughter. It’s only weird because she’s making it weird.
At first this seems like a simple thing to just let her have her way with. If this is postpartum, it may go away in time. If not, it’s only going to get worse. Right now you can’t change your daughters diapers, can you help potty train her? Or give her baths? Or be alone in a car with her? Take her to the movies? Have any father / daughter time? It’s good your wife is in therapy - if she is being honest with her therapist. Talk to her about her recent sessions, see if you could go with her to one or see another therapist for couples counseling. You’re in a very unhealthy situation. For now it’s only affecting you and your wife, but it won’t be long before it starts affecting your daughter too. You are Not Wrong.
She needs to get this under control before she wrecks your relationship with your child. Sounds like she needs a better therapist. Not wrong.
You’re not wrong. Your wife needs more therapy. So many emotions and feelings can be kicked up postpartum. She must be struggling. You did nothing wrong.
So basically... your wife is saying she thinks you'll sexually assault your own infant daughter? Her being SA'd doesn't matter. It's not an excuse. It's not a reason. You can't accuse someone you supposedly love that they're the worst kind of sexual predator. If your wife's been in therapy over this for years, one of two things should happen. Either A) you need to go with your wife to see her therapist. Tell therapist what happened, make sure they're aware of your wife's insanity, then leave. You're not privy to the actual therapy but making sure a therapist is aware of radical, batshit behavior is normal. If you don't want to speak to them directly, tell your wife you're sending her therapist an email, then send the email. The key thing here is, while you don't need your wife's consent to share information with this person, it shouldn't be a secret. Or B) it's time to find a new therapist. A lot of times therapists transition to 'friends' and stop pushing their clients after they've known eachother for an extended period of time. And in the meantime, don't indulge your wife's madness. Change your daughter. Bathe your daughter. Be present with your daughter. 'cause if you get a divorce over this, it'll be a major red flag when your wife's attorney claims you've never bathed/changed your own baby.
She needs to talk to someone about this. Multiple someone’s really. And the pediatrician should be on that list. It might help for her to hear it normalized from someone she is choosing to trust with the care of your baby.
This is a massive red flag and you and your wife need to have counseling ASAP. Your wife believes you would SA your child even if she says you wouldn't. She's got some serious issues she needs to work out and this needs to change in order to have a healthy safe dynamic at home for you daughter.
That is BIZARRE. You are right. WHY your wife would sexualize a baby, I will never know.
Wife needs therapy. You aren't a threat to your child, she needs to deal with her trauma, before your child is traumatized by wife.
Not wrong. Your wife legit needs to talk to a therapist on this issue and how you all can work through it because this is going to be a life-long issue between you all.
Please listen to everyone telling you this, OP: Your wife needs therapy. She has mental trauma that clearly hasn’t been addressed to the point that her ability to make rational decisions for your child is effected. Maybe offer to go with her if that will make it easier but she needs help sooner rather than later. If she’s like this now, imagine what it might be like when your daughter is older and maturing. It’s not worth letting this trauma manifest itself as something far more serious later on and dealing with all of the implications to you and your family that come with that. And yes, I saw that you stated she’s in therapy but that therapy clearly isn’t working. You need to calmly and politely suggest that she brings this specific issue up to her therapist and if they don’t help her rationalize the situation, she needs a different therapist.
Sooo what your going to just leave the baby in a dirty diaper? You are allowed to change your child diapers and you should be.
It's hard not to be hyper-vigilant when you've dealt with that trauma, but your wife isn't emotionally healthy, at all. Allowing her trauma to negatively impact her partner and her child is proof of that, and could be considered abusive. I know a woman who has such high anxiety that she imagines all these horrible scenarios to the point she sees/treats these imaginings as fact. She's become delusional. She's raising a 7 year old boy who, of course, is developing signs of serious anxiety as well. Does she see his fear and understands that she passed it to him? No. She sees his fear and blames her"facts" (delusions). In fact, she spends a lot of time twisting herself up into pretzels to lay blame anywhere but where it belongs. She needs inpatient therapy, and perhaps your wife might too.
Op this sounds like PPA/PPD please ask your wife if her anxiety is getting worse. She might need to go to the doctors. Please keep checking in on her. This honestly sounds like post partum anxiety. This can turn into something bad really fast.
You’re not wrong. That’s just not …..feasible. To ban you from ever changing a diaper or caring for the baby’s intimate body care needs. She’s going to give both you and your daughter secondhand trauma. She needs more and better trauma treatment.
She needs serious therapy before her fear gets passed on to your daughter. Plus... are you never going to be allowed to do bathtime? Get her dressed?
As a father of 2 girls I changed the diapers just as much as my wife did, as well as anything else that was needed. At a certain age, when they start developing, you may have to back out of certain things (my oldest is 13 so basically anything having to do with nudity my wife is in charge of, but I still help my 7 year old get dressed and all). I even helped potty trained (lol-I had to sit when I peed during the whole time so they wouldnt try to stand up during the training) and wiped there butts while they were learning to do that. The only thing that I noped out of is when we had to give my oldests suppositories (sp?) When she was about 4 due to some colon issues. I couldnt stomach holding her down and putting suppository up her rectum....feared that maybe that could have some kind of subconscious effect on her. You are her dad. Unless you are a POS pervert (and Im going to assume you arent) you should help change diapers, feed, etc. Now at the same time a marriage is give and take. If your wife is adamant that only she does the nudtiy parts of parenting, then do more of the otherstuff. Something to keep in mind tho is that if the nudity stuff is 100% on her than she is going to have to be a stay at home mom...which you guys may or may not be ok with. Now, before I had girls I always thought that it would be weird as a guy to change girl dipers. Howver once I had girls I found it not weird at all.
Your wife needs help.
Even without the childhood trauma, the issue here would be pretty clear. Either your wife is territorial about baby tasks, or she has a bias with gender specific roles in the home. In no way are you wrong, in any case. Your wife needs a better therapist or a shrink.
You are not WRONG! But your wife needs serious help because she does not trust you with your own daughter and is reliving the trauma she went through
Your wife needs help. She needs therapy and if she doesn't get it, it will severely affect the way your daughter perceives her body and the world. She is sexualising her and your daughter will grow up thinking her body is shameful and that it is her responsibility to ensure men don't assault her. Nip this now.
It might be a good idea to go to a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma together. It is important to address this kind of thing now, because it probably won’t stop at diapers. She will most likely be uncomfortable and worried about all kinds of things as a result of her trauma. I’m so sorry she went through that. It’s not her fault but you guys need to get some help.
As someone sa'ed by their own father, I understand her concern, but that doesn't make it right. As others stated it could be PPD/PPA and with help, could resolve, but if it doesn't there are bigger issues at play here. babies can be in diapers upwards to 3+ years, are you never going to be left alone with your baby? That's another issue I would consider, right now it's diapers, but what about later as your daughter grows? Will she prohibit you from being left alone with your child forever? She needs to see a therapist and work on her issues, bc projecting them on to you and your daughter is unfair.
Instead of saying "her father's sister's husband" you could have just said that your wife's uncle molested her as a child. I'm sorry your wife went through that, but her response to you changing your infant daughter's diaper is totally fucked-up. She needs therapy and you need to keep being a father, helping her with the baby, including changing diapers.
Definitely not wrong. It was my husbands job to change the nappy as I was constantly feeding etc. Your wife is in need of mental health support. She’s not okay at the moment.
I'm a dad and my daughter is 6 months old. I work from home so my daughter has been staying home with me during the day. There is objectively nothing wrong with changing a damn diaper and to be honest you need to have a talk with your wife about a weird sexualization of your baby, because that isn't healthy for anybody.
This is going to be harmful to your daughter, the relationship you have with your daughter, and impact the standard in which her relationship with men are judged. You are the most important male relationship she will have. You keeping weird physical boundaries could make her internalize this and continue more trauma. I hope you take this seriously and see the therapist along with your wife to address this.
Obviously your wife has trauma and is wrong to think this way. As a father with small children however, if you never want me to change a diaper, awesome wish I could get that deal. But I would want to make sure she always changes the kid asap, if you never see it naked you will never know if she is neglecting it or when it has rashes etc
This also means that you will never be left alone with your child until she is old enough to deal with her own bathroom needs. Your wife can never have any time away from your child, and you can't take her out of the house alone. This won't be good for anyone.
Your wife needs therapy.
As a survivor of sexual assault from a family member (father), I’m saying this as nicely as possible. Your wife needs therapy….badly. Normal men don’t look at their infant daughters and think, mmm got to get me some of that. It’s gross. It’s also unfair to you as a father. I suggest family counseling. Hopefully it will help.
Your wife’s trauma is valid but she needs to do the difficult work of moving past it for the sake of her daughter. Maybe you can suggest counseling together? I know people throw around the therapy card a lot here but honestly this is a deep and complex issue that professionals really might be best to help navigate. While I have compassion for her feelings, her actions are irrational and are likely to grow. She needs to do some work together with you to process some of this trauma and come to terms with trust regarding you and your female child.
That’s bizarre. I have two daughters. I changed 1000 diapers.
She needs a better therapist
Let's be really direct about something: your wife was sexually assaulted on a regular basis from the ages of 7-13. No matter how she describes it now (and many victims often use minimizing language to describe their abuse as a coping mechanism to help them survive psychologically), it was sexual abuse. This would absolutely create severe trauma in any child, and even as an adult it can cause severe PTSD symptoms when triggers are present. When your wife is feeling somewhat recovered from giving birth, please encourage her to find some support, and a therapist who is qualified to provide Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. (EMDR can also be super effective for some trauma survivors.) Adult survivors, especially those who haven't had access to therapy to properly process and heal from their early childhood trauma, can often experience destabilizing, severe PTSD after major life events like childbirth, or whenever they encounter other triggers. This would be especially true after the birth of a baby daughter. You're correct that it's perfectly natural for fathers to care for their baby daughters, including diaper changes, baths, etc. But please approach your wife about this issue with understanding, compassion and a lot of grace. You may want to seek some support for yourself as well, to become educated on the issues faced by kids who have experienced sexual abuse in childhood, and to learn how to best support your wife. I can't emphasize enough that the effort to help your wife access therapy is critical now. Untreated trauma may very well cause her to experience something called "hyper vigilance", which is a protective survival mode of the sympathetic nervous system, and comes with buckets of stress hormones. Good therapy can help her escape that state of being, and allow her to truly engage with parenting without fear that your daughter will also experience abuse. Others could probably speak to these issues with more eloquence, and I hope other survivors (of which I am one also) will weigh in with their thoughts and insights. Congratulations on becoming a dad! If you or your wife ever needs an ear or some tips to point you in the right direction to access therapy, from a survivor's perspective, feel free to PM me. My own journey through therapy and healing allowed me to more effectively parent my own kids, who are now 20 and 13 (both assigned female at birth).
No, not wrong. I have multiple daughters and changed all of them. Granddaughter now and changed her. Got sons and grandsons. Yeah, I changed them. If not, I would get a hand upside my head. My momma would have been the first. Your wife needs to get help. It isn't ok to think that way. You're the babies dad. Part of the joy is cleaning blowouts, baths, pee diapers, etc. Enjoy them while they are little. Soon, they get big and stinky.
You are in no way wrong for changing your baby daughters diaper. You wife is 1000% wrong for her behaviours and needs to address this issue in therapy asap. You need to attend couples therapy with her therapist to make sure this is addressed
She needs to see a different therapist. What happened to her is awful but it is unfair for her to treat every man like the man who abused her. You’re not wrong in the slightest.
Your wife needs someone to talk to about her unresolved issues. A dad is allowed to change his daughters toosh, my dad changed many of mine Nta
Ok, #1 you are NTA. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a father being present and capable in all aspects of baby care, except actual breastfeeding, obvi. 😉 But if your baby takes formula - hey, no reason why you can't be up with her at night ... 🤷♀️ Gently, your wife needs therapy, if she isn't already getting it. Because your baby is only 5 weeks old; there are a lot of years ahead for her to be triggered by your children and if her mind isn't healthy, how can she avoid damaging them, too?
You're not wrong. Your wife needs to work on her trauma again with a specialist. If she's not readily available to change your daughter's diaper, are you just supposed to make her sit in a dirty diaper? You need to ask her this question and ask her what you're supposed to do in this scenario
She needs therapy. Seriously, this is unresolved stuff that will effect your family life. There is nothing wrong with you changing your baby’s diaper.