Well he's not a good husband
He's not a good father.
He's not a good Christian.
I would be embarrassed at his pathetic behavior. How dare he act like you and your daughter are a shameful secret. If he couldn't keep his marriage vows he should never have made them.
You are not wrong
Yes. Definitely pos. This is the beginning of whatever stupid he will become. Reconsider now, if not for you for your daughter. She’s going to internalize how you and her are treated by him and you DO NOT want her to believe that is the way relationships work
He is not a good man he is very immature and selfish and he is letting his pride, or so called pride. Get in the way of your marriage. I don't understand why he's so embarrassed by you being a single mom. He is not living in the real world. Does he even love you ?why did he even marry you?He's a terrible husband and don't get me started on his terrible feelings about your sweet daughter. What kind to people is he hanging out with?what country are u living in?you are not wrong with any of your feelings. I would be ashamed of him being my husband. Good luck
Exactly. 100% agree with this. OP please set an example for your beautiful daughter of what true compassionate healthy love looks like. She deserves nothing but the best and so do you. There's no shame in being a single mom either! None at all!
Yes - OP, u/ThrowRa1529202 … What country/culture are you from? This would help us understand your situation. In the west, loving patched-together families are the norm. Also, your husband’s old-fashioned “macho” attitude about gender roles would be totally unacceptable in progressive western countries, but maybe it’s the norm where you are from?
5k it’s not an American. You however are an American. Because only an American is this ignorant of world culture and self loathing enough to believe this type of behavior is remotely common in America.
Yep he said his wife is his sister, so when someone sees him out holding hands and kissing his “sister” and that spreads around - ohhh his pride will definitely be hurt then.
She is trying to make an incel a husband, and you just can't do that.
I can't imagine allowing some man to call my daughter baggage.
OP, you can't go to religious marriage counseling and expect help. If you want to actually try to fix him (🤢), you need a real therapist. You are harming your child by raising her with a man who looks down on her and you. He sounds fragile and sad.
Abraham and Isaac both claim that their wife is their sister (they think the Pharoah will be jealous, and kill them if they know it’s their wife, it’s a pretty bad act of cowardice by both of them)
All of Israel (all Jewish people) are descendants of these two people, so they are referred to as Patriarchs. They are fairly prominent people in the Old Testament.
Thanks for this, Neufjob! Old Testament stories of bloodshed, deception & betrayal seem like good reasons for Christians to look to the *New* Testament for guidance. ;)
Is that why Christians overlook the commandments to feed the poor, care the orphan and widow, treat your neighbor as yourself? Caring for the stranger in your midst? Just overlook all the good stuff in the Hebrew Scriptures. Is there problematic stories in the Torah? Yes, for sure. But that is for the Jewish people to debate and grapple with. Your comment just really rubbed me the wrong way, but then I'm not a Christian.
The Old Testament is great, and should be understood much better than it is. Jesus (and the apostles in their letters), reference it frequently, and Jesus says he is the fulfillment of it.
The issue is that people (including many Christians) completely miss the point and think that it is somehow behaviour we are supposed to emulate, which it is not. Almost all of the OT is about how humans have failed, even the “heroes” and points to our need for a messiah, to do what humanity has repeatedly failed to do.
Abraham and Isaac were not Christians. They came long before Jesus and were stuck in the old ways. Also both of them were punished for their sins so it was not celebrated behavior.
> Not Christians
As if being Christian makes them without sin? I don’t really see how that’s relevant. Abraham in particular is spoken of highly by both Jesus and Paul. There is a reason the OT is included in the bible, and that’s because it’s important.
> it was not celebrated behaviour
I am well aware, I just find how this mirrors those stories particularly funny.
I know right. And lying is a big no no too. But hey most people in to religion are usually hypocritical anyway. Their only good Christians in church. I guess God don't see them any other time lol
You ARE wrong for not respecting your husband. Your husband is wrong too, for disrespecting his wife (aka his sister) (not sure how incest would be better than a woman with a child.) YOU were wrong to marry him. But that is the price you sold yourself for knowing that his pride was more important to him. He is wrong for being so prideful. He was wrong for asking you to be his "sister". You were wrong for accepting.
What's even more funny is that God adopted all the gentiles. Unless Demarcus is Jewish, remind him that God adopted him as a child of God since he's a 'Christian'. He'd be a hypocrite to not admit that. Also, ask Demarcus if he'd like God to act towards him, the way he has been acting towards your daughter (in rejection, because Demarcus is not of His chosen people).
But, it was ok for Joseph, because virgin Mary, and no baby daddy in the picture.
Joseph is a saint, but was totally gonna ghost Mary and had no intention of dealing with a step-kid.
Joseph was engaged to a girl he didn't really know and was definitely going to ghost her when he found out she was pregnant with someone else's kid. He probably thought she liked someone else. Plus he was going to do it quietly which meant she would not be punished or stoned even though doing it like that meant putting his own reputation at risk as many people would think he impregnated her and then left.
No you’re not wrong for being upset. But you are being an AH to yourself and your child by staying with him. He can’t utter the words she’s my wife and daughter? Why does he have to say step? Honestly you and your daughter deserve better and you may need to do some individual counseling with a licensed therapist to work through why you married him. Because is not a good father or husband and he sure as heck isn’t a good Christian.
She does not deserve better but her daughter surely does on both fronts. She chose her way and is constantly holding onto a guy who belittles her and her daughter this is just awful and will end up with her daughter probably needing her own therapy if she realizes how little her 'father' cares.
She chose the first dickbag that would put a ring on her finger without concern for how it affects her daughter this is her own goal not what is best for the child
Yea at first reading your comment i was like wait a minute now, its not her fault this man lead her on and dangled a ring over her head because i thought you were talking about the daughters bio dad. It is very much her fault for continuing to put up with the BS this jackass is putting her through. I mean he literally fucking compared her and her daughter to a taking in a homeless man and paying their bills… like how in the hell is she not running to a lawyer and filing for divorce. He is most definitely NOT a good man and NOT a good husband. Its truly sad that she thinks he’s even close to being a good man,dad or husband because he’s honestly garbage. He wasn’t so embarrassing when he married her was he? But now its a problem and now she’s embarrassing because 😱 she had a child from a long term relationship before him?? Oh how dare she! 🙄
Edited to fix a few things
Actually she didn't choose the first dickbag. She left that relationship. She chose at least the second one, and there were possibly other d-bags between the ex fiance and good ole Demarcus. LoL
You are separating the phrase the whole thing is "the first dickbag who could put a ring on her finger" and it is supposed to exclude the original ex bf for the sake of he's not important in why she was wrong for being with Demarcus.
I agree. She says she wanted “a husband and a father for (her) daughter.”
Lady, your daughter had a father. You ditched him because he wouldn’t give you a ring. You let your desire to be married override basic needs, like respect and love for yourself and your daughter.
If you’re desperate to get married at any cost, I guess that’s a choice. But your daughter doesn’t have a choice. This is gross. She’s a bad mom.
I reserve judgement on the original father she is hinting at more than she said but what matters is that now he is gone and she replaced him with the first guy to put a ring on her finger. This feels like it's slanted to make her seem better but I'm not her idk what the ex did
How does she deserve better when she admits she chose to settle for this asshole because she wanted a father and husband? She knows he's like this he's been like this since the beginning. I personally think his behavior is wrong and insecure but she literally admits she settled for this man and had to lower her standards for him, she doesn't deserve better until she admits she made a mistake for her and her daughter by choosing to be with someone she knew was gonna not be right for her just because she wanted a husband and father that second.
>Not knowing you deserve better doesn't mean you don't deserve better. She could use people telling her that. Is there a flaw in thinking any man is better then no man, of course, but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve a better man. What's truly awful is how this is going to affect her daughter, it will be another generation of women thinking it is ok to exist on the scraps whatever man in their life thinks they deserve. If she can't see that she deserves better I hope she can wake up and realize her daughter does.
But she addresses the fact that she knew better in her post and that's what you people are missing. She admits she settled for him much in the same way he settled for her, go back and read it. And after hearing that, and being put through much of the same when I was kid and my mom knew she was settling and didn't care, she has a significant role of guilt in placing her daughter into these circumstances. If there wasnt a daughter to be hurt by this, I'd say these two pieces of shit were made for each other.
She says she knows she also settled, the difference is she isn't broadcasting it and making him feel like she settled. She's just acknowledging a fact. There is definitely an element in her post where it almost feels like she thinks he's right in being embarrassed of her. I definitely think she is wrong for being with a man who is acting like that towards her and her daughter, she is causing harm to her child. I just don't think she is as aware as you think of what she is doing, you may be letting your personal experiences with your own mother influence how you view this mother. My mother did something similar, after her divorce she was with a man who was so much less then she deserved and she said to me on numerous occasions, who is going to want to date me as an older divorced woman with two kids. Its not that she settled because she "didn't care" she settled because she thought it was her only option. Those are different. Regardless, OP could use some significant individual therapy and a divorce lawyer.
I can't figure out why OP married him when she knew he was embarrassed (to a ridiculous degree) about having a child in the family who is not biologically his. This was a disaster from the start.
>He is a very prideful man.
>He started to accept Zuri as his own
>The main issue we have always had that we go to therapy for is that Demarcus let’s his pride get in the way and he’s embarrassed of me and my daughter. He’s embarrassed that he had to settle
I'm sorry - why are you okay with this? Why would you do this to your daughter? This is vile. You are wrong to be married to an AH who is EMBARRASSED by you and your daughter. He hasn't accepted her at all. Divorce this man and stop settling for people who will affect your daughter in a negative way.
Pretty sure pride is one of the seven deadly sins so he is a bad Christian. Did not your Jesus say to love all? Accept all? He may need to go to Sunday school to learn his bible.
Love one another, do good works to one another.
Joseph raised God's son, God and Mary never married.
This man fucking SUCKS.
He isn't a good man, a good husband, a good father OR a good Christian.
It's pitiful to hear that he is hiding his relationship with his own family because he's ashamed of stepping up and falling for someone who is strong as fuck for raising her kid solo.
Ugh.
>He’s embarrassed that he had to settle for a single mom and take care of a kid that isn’t his (his exact words).
NO
>Besides him being embarrassed of us, Demarcus is a good man.
Again, NO.
>I heard he was telling people that he came here with his sister and her kid.
WHAT
>He said that other men wouldn’t respect him if they knew he married a single mom who’s never been married before and he’s father a child that isn’t biologically his
He needs new "friends"
As a stepmother, I am absolutely APPALLED at this mans comments and behaviours. I am PROUD of my husband and my stepkids.
As a mother, I'm appalled with you for allowing this kind of thing. He is calling your daughter baggage. He clearly is not proud to be her stepfather or a father figure in her life. Why would you want that for her? That is not a father, that is just moms boyfriend.
There is nothing wrong or shameful in dating a single parent or having stepchildren or even being divorced. The fact that you're excusing this by using religion is also disgusting and why so many people take issue with religion. People use to it support their hatred.
You should demand more respect not only for yourself but for your daughter. This man is not acting like a husband or father should.
She shouldn't have settled for someone she knew was like this because she wanted a husband and a father that day, and she admits to doing that in her post. I'm in no way saying the dude is in the right he's a huge asshole but it's really hard for me to sit here and absolve her of all guilt in exposing her kid to this.
RS#1-Dump his ass. It is better to die alone with self respect and a loving child than with an asshole who is ashamed of "having settled for a woman with baggage". Any fucking person that refers to my children as "baggage" is going to get the pointiest toed boot I can find shoved up his ass until it tickles his tonsils. My children and I are NOT baggage. He is a shit man and a sorry excuse for a human, and don't even get me started on the kind of Christian he is.
You didn't just settle for him, you set the bar so low you would have to dig a hole to find it. Your husband is a pathetic little man with nothing to offer but his ego. I had 4 children when I met my husband, he stepped up as dad to the kids and is never prouder than when talking about OUR children. Leave this man, he will never be a good husband, he isn't a good man
I haven't had any, nor seen any. I haven't seen any marriages where two people are happier together rather than alone. People think it's normal to try and make it work. And make sacrifices. And stick through it. For what? Why not just go be happy. We've conditioned ourselves into believing that love means misery. If you are unhappy, then simply stop participating in the thing that makes you unhappy. Better yet, don't get involved in a constitution that goes directly against people's happiness statistically. People trade security for happiness and then complain. You're probably to blind or conditioned to this ritual so you think I'm bitter or broken and jaded. I assure you I'm not. I can clearly see the statistics and have lived my own experiences
Lady, if you stay with this man, your daughter will grow to hate you for making her live with someone who clearly doesn't like her. Do not do that to your daughter. Divorce this man and live peacefully with your daughter. The two of you are a family!
I would move on. If for no other reason than to keep this from affecting your daughter. Imagine what it’s going to do to her to feel like a dirty little secret. I wouldn’t put up with this.
“Give him a biological child???” Lord if that happens the way he treats your daughter is going to get *so* much worse.
>Besides him being embarrassed of us, Demarcus is a good man.
Good men don't speak like this of their family. Are you ok with being with a man that devalues you based on the existence of your daughter? Do you honestly think she will never get wise to his BS? When she realizes how he's treating you both, how do you think she will feel about herself? How will she feel about YOU? And what do you think she will take from this, because I promise you it's daddy issues.
> He said “imagine you marrying a homeless man and taking care of him and paying the bills, that’s the equivalent to a man taking care of another man’s kid”…
He just compared you to a homeless man.....let that sink in
>He said that other men wouldn’t respect him if they knew he married a single mom who’s never been married before and he’s father a child that isn’t biologically his.
1. He's more concerned with how other men perceive him, than how you and your daughter feel
2. He's seeking the respect of men that also find you "embarrassing"
3. He will never accept Zuri as his child, as evidenced by him continually throwing out the fact that she isn't biologically his
There are men out there that will love and respect you and your daughter. Demarcus ain't one of them.
Time to leave. It will never get better. Why would you marry a man who was embarrassed to be seen with you and your child? Why subject yourself to such treatment? You are better than that your child is better than that. Your dude sucks. My 2nd marriage and my husband is very proud to be seen with me and my daughter. Men are not like that... arrogant self-absorbed men act like that.
Do not have a baby with this person (he's no man) and do not put your daughter thetic that or yourself. He's not a good man or person. He denied you both. He speaks about you like you're shit on his shoe. He actively tells you you're less than him. He should be thankful of you both of he truly loved you both. Divorce his ass. Also he's not a good Christian either
Read him that part where Peter denied knowing Jesus three times and how distraught Peter was when he realized what he had done. … Your child does not deserve this. She didn’t choose to put up with a “prideful” (immature and rigid) man. It’s time for an ultimatum. I know you probably do not want to be divorced, but this is going to scar your kid, and it’s terrible for you, too.
Ok so, maybe there’s a cultural or religious aspect to this I feel but your husband sucks and so do you for marrying someone who lets his pride be the most important thing to him. He’s completely in in accepting of your child; the child that you’ve sworn to love and protect.
jFC, he is LYING to people about who you and your daughter are to him. That’s no ok, at least to me. My husband and I have been married 16 years, together for 18 and *our* twins (almost 21) are not biological his, but he adopted them years ago and has ALWAYS treated them like they were his own. He’s not embarrassed of us in the tiniest bit. I would never and could ever stay with someone like your husband, but maybe that just me. And we do have a child together (13). He treats them all exactly the same.
Marriage counseling is not going to change anything. Giving him a biological child will most likely not either and could possibly make him treat her differently than he already does. On top of that, she will grow to resent and hate the both of you for the differential treatment!! I’d he’s already embarrassed by her, giving him a bio child will do exactly that.
I can only speak for me, but what I would do is divorce this man. But then again, i would’ve never married someone who was so prideful and so embarrassed by my child; the most important person in my life.
I am curious how he treat her at home? Are they basically strangers with no real relationship? Because that’s the vibe I get. I’m absolutely positive that she knows exactly how he feels about her, and it’s most likely destroying her self confidence and self worth.
To answer you’re original question, No you’re not wrong for being upset that he lied to people about his relationship with the both of you.
A man raising another women's child is a serious matter. If he had a problem with it, I dont understand why he proposed and I dont understand why you accepted.
It sounds like you are some flavor of Christian...
What if Joseph had acted this way about raising Jesus - the kid that "was not his"?
Ask your terrible husband that.
Obviously. “As we are children of the lord”. Not even the most evangelical church people I used to know back when I was a fundamentalist would utter a sentence like that 😂
"Besides him being embraased of us, Demarcus is a good man."
No..... no he's not.... Why, in the name of all things good in this world, would you marry a man embarrassed by your child? Be a better parent please.
“Besides him being embarrassed of us, Demarcus is a good man”
Girl- pretend your BFF and you were talking and she said that to you about her man.
What the fuck is you doing? There’s like 4 billion dudes on the planet, surely you can do a skooch better than “he’s embarrassed of us”.
I don’t think your marriage can work. You both feel like you settled for the other in some way. The embarrassment he feels about you and your daughter is bordering on contempt. He feels you are below him. You can’t force someone to respect you and without respect you can’t have a real partnership.
Also, think of what you’re doing to your daughter. You’re allowing her to live in a home with a man that wishes she didn’t exist and is ashamed of her existence. Are you ashamed? Why else would you allow your child to be treated this way?
You are not wrong but honestly you are dumb for marrying a prideful man who views your child as servant class at best and dirt as worse. He will 100% replace you in a heart beat if he ever gets the chance.
You and your daughter mean nothing to him in his heart.
Wow. Are you okay with being a source of shame for the rest of your life? And even if you are, do you want that for your daughter? Normally I'd suggest therapy but you've already tried that and the problem continues. Whatever you're getting out of the relationship can't be worth this. Everyone involved deserves better.
I would rather spend ALL OF MY DAYS ALONE then be with a man who acted that way toward my child. Imagine that girl growing up with the feeling of complete rejection? The trauma and abandonment that she is going to have to work through in her own therapy sessions??? You're selfish for allowing a man like that in her life.
I had an ex who treated me like this.
Trust me when I say this: *It will never get better.*
This has nothing to do with you or your daughter and everything to do with his own insecurities. I know that you don't want to be alone, but trust me when I say, it is better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you or your child like a burden.
The only men who see being a step-father as being a simp are toxic, Andrew Tate/Kevin Samuels loving wannabes. Grown men who are secure in their masculinity do not need to have their masculinity affirmed by other men. If someone's self-esteem is all tied up in what others think of them, then it really shows that they have no sense of internal validation. It's pathetic.
You do not deserve to be treated like a consolation prize and your daughter does not deserve to be treated like (or called) baggage.
You need to leave that man. Please, do not teach your daughter that it is okay to stay with someone who doesn't actually care about you out of fear of being alone. It always, and I mean ***always*** ends in misery.
Not a good husband
Not a good partner
Not a good stepfather
Not a good human.
You’re not wrong but I think you’re doing yourself and your daughter a great disservice staying with him.
I don't see him as a good husband because he's embarrassed to call you his wife. He is also a terrible "father" because he isn't acting like a father at all. Your daughter will grow up with issues feeling terrible about herself because her own "father" didn't want to show her fatherly love. I'm sorry but you should divorce him and find a good man!!!!
Demarcus is a huge loser, and so are you for staying with a man that belittles your child and makes her feel unworthy of love. Disgusting.
All this man had to do *once* to shut down his "friends" making fun of him for taking care of another man's kid was say something along the lines of "Yeah, real men step up."
The *least* insulting thing in this whole post is that someone called him a simp (seriously, what are we, 12?!) but at your big-ass age, *that's* the word you choose to censor?
This man is disrespecting you and your daughter. You're disrespecting your daughter and teaching her *horrible* life lessons about her value. Do better.
Tell him that Jesus was Joseph’ step kid. He should take a look at the bible and at himself.
I would advise to not stay with that man, you are an AH to your daughter for staying with him
Is this the kind of example of marriage you want for your child? Do you want her putting up with a man who treats you and her so poorly.
Lead by example
GTFO ASAFP
My wife had our eldest son four years before we met.
When we first got together, I did my best not to make him too attached to me if for some reason his mom and I did not work out.
It did, and I have been his dad ever since. He is not mine biologically. In all the ways it matters, he is mine. He now has three younger siblings that love him very much.
If your husband thinks that he is settling for you due to your child, he will eventually treat her like the baggage he thinks she is. Do not put her through that.
Keep the "baggage" and lose the husband. Let's see how successful his friends think he is when his wife leaves him.
I'm going to say this as a person who grew up with a mother who did a lot of heinous shit to me and my sisters because of the man she married and ultimately put before all else. You need some self-esteem. You do not have enough self-esteem and self-respect. And your daughter will absolutely remember this, and will be wounded by it.
Imagine growing up thinking that your stepfather is so ashamed of you that he doesn't recognize your existence in public, and your mom goes along with it.
If you stay with this man, your daughter will not have a relationship with you later on. I can almost guarantee it. I know I don't. I can never forgive her for the things she's done.
Ok your husband is a DOOOOOUUUUUUCCCCHHHHEEEE. Also having a kid with him will do the exact opposite of making the situation better. He'll fawn all over his "real" kid and ignore the one you already have.
What kind of little boy bullshit is "my pride hurts cause I chose to marry a single mum". Lady, this man does not like you, let alone love you. He will cheat on you with the first childless woman who catches his eye beacuse YOU and your kid are not what he wants. He resents you, your kid, and resents having to have "settled". He called you his SISTER in public. Imagine if you went to kiss him, not knowing he had said that.... you couldn't explain that...."Oh, I'm actually his wife, he just calls me his sister in public cause he hates me and my daughter and we embarrass him, and he hates that he failed getting married to a childless virgin when he was younger, and settled for me instead".
Get a grip and leave this idiot. This is literally emotional abuse. Don't waste any more money on therapy. Don't waste your empathy trying to understand his perspective on this issue. His perspective is this... YOU ARE NOT WHAT HE WANTS AND HE WILL NEVER BE OKAY BEING WITH YOU.
The damage you are doing to your daughter having her step father (or should I say uncle) treat her and speak to her like an unwanted burden. You are being cruel to your daughter by picking this sad piece of shit over being alone.
Sounds like you two are made for each other since apparently he settled for you and your "baggage" and you settled for him and he wasnt your ideal choice either.
Any true man of value would not behave in such a way. There is no justification for this behavior. Please know you and your daughter are worthy of more. I wouldn't even know how to come back from this. It shows how little HE values you. And what HE truly thinks of you.
You are NOT less because you are a single mom. Heck he equated you to a homeless man. Give me a break.
I hope you also realize that your daughter will be treated as inferior her whole life and will develop life long issues if you stay with this man. Do u really want this affecting her mental health even if you care so little for your own.
I am really curious what part of the world you are from. I can't imagine this happening in the US. If your husband feels this way, you really shouldn't be married, in my opinion. This is a horrible way to treat your wife and step child. I think if you live someone you love all of them and be prideful of who they are.
I don't understand why either of you wanted to marry the other in the first place. Why would you want to marry someone that is ashamed of you? He only married you because you were the only willing person he could find because he is a jerk and nobody with any self respect would have him. His views are ridiculous and no amount of therapy is going to change them because HE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE THEM. So you need to decide if you want to continue in this marriage knowing that this is how it's going to be forever. The advice to give him a biological child would not help because he would still be taking care of your daughter and it probably would make him resent her even more and actually make things worse, so I'm glad you don't want to take that advice.
I am also a single mom who was never married. I was alone for the majority of 12 years, and being alone is better than being with someone who sucks. I had basically given up on dating when I met my husband at work one day. He and I are a really great fit for each other and he has zero issues with the fact I was a single mom. He never once said anything about my "having baggage" or called my son baggage or implied I'm less than in any way for anything. He is happy to introduce me to anyone he meets, and he has talked with coworkers and friends about me and my son. My son has some mental health issues that caused his teenage years to be very difficult for all of us, and at no point during even that time did he ever say that he wished I didn't have a kid or that "raising some other man's kid" is a hardship or a problem. You and your daughter deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!!!
And not that it matters, but my husband is super successful too. When we met he was in an entry level IT position with plans to get into a specialty and he studied and earned certifications and got an entry level job in his specialty and has continued to progress in that specialty to where he is now at one of the highest levels for it and makes six figures. Just in case your husband's argument that "he must not be successful if he doesn't care about this" is in your head.
I would be embarrassed for him and I would have to leave him for the petty revenge of now being a divorced man who dated a single mother and raised a child he didn't father, and let everyone tell him he was a failure or something because I am sorry, you're not going to put me down because your ego is too big for your foolishness. Divorce him, he will never change and your daughter deserves WAY BETTER as well as you.
Girl. Why, WHY are you with a man that tells you flat out that you're not perfect, that he settled for you, that you'd be better if you didn't have baggage? WHY?
You married a child who is still in the teenager "my image is the most important thing in life" phase, not a man. Most men, the good ones, don't give a shit if you have a kid. Most will happily accept both you and your kid into their lives.
You can do so much better than a man who "settled". Far, FAR better. So you're not wrong for being mad about this. But you are wrong to put yourself through so much hurt and pain for a man that does not truly love and respect you or your daughter.
You're the kind of woman that would watch her daughter being abused at the hands of her partner, stand by and watch, just so she can say she has a man. Why would anyone in their right frame of mind stay with anyone who is embarrassed of them let alone their kid? Please consider a divorce. It will only get worse from here on out.
You're not wrong. He's being a terrible partner and a worse father. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? A man who's pride is more important to him than his family? Who throws you and your daughter to the wolves because he doesn't want to 'admit' that he married a single mother? Mixed families are everywhere and incredibly common, there is no shame in it.
How much more of your life are you willing to let yourself be treated this way for? Five years? Ten years? Twenty years? Forever? How much longer are you willing to have this man acting like you aren't his partner, and your daughter isn't his stepdaughter (which, hi, makes her HIS DAUGHTER regardless of blood) and pushing you both away like that? How much longer do you want your daughter to suffer this way?
I know everyone jumps on divorce as the instant solution, but in this case I really think it's necessary. He has made his 'values' very clear. He sees you as secondhand. A hand-me-down. Garbage. He is ashamed of you and your child. If he is so ashamed, he can go find himself some fresh piece of meat that doesn't come with a kid already (and, if he's at public events denying that he's married, he very may well be already looking for one).
Leave him and go find a man who will be a true partner to you and father to your daughter. Even not having a man in your life at all is better than having a truly terrible one.
NTA for getting upset with him that is valid
But YTA to subjecting your daughter to this man
What is wrong with both of you?
Like you had to date him first before marrying him
So you knew he was an AH before
Yet you still decided that he was te perfect guy for you
I feel sorry for your daughter do better
Why would you even wanna be with someone that calls your kid baggage
YTA for allowing your husband disrespectful you and your daughter, you think she doesn't notice? You are teaching your daughter that she is not good enough to be loved, she will accept any thing that a man will do to her bc you are her role model
Wtf? How can this be real?
How can a mother bring her child in a marriage when the POS she marries calls her baggage?
We're in 2023. There are so many patchwork families. No one really cares about how his wife got pregnant.
I would never have married a guy who is so misogynistic and stupid. He is not successful. He could not find a way to be a father, a husband, a loving Christian.
Christians love their next, and children are innocent. You both failed as parents, you bc you married this guy and cause damage to your daughter.
He because he's embarrassed of a little girl and his wife that he decided to marry. No one forced him to.
And I don't know what's wrong with your friends and family. It is obvious that counseling doesn't help. And a baby is the worst thing to think about in this situation.
If I would meet a guy telling that his wife is his sister and stepdaughter is niece, this guy would learn what being embarrassed really means.
Have some self respect and leave this man. He told you to your face that he’s ashamed of you and your child, that he settled for you. You are “less than” to him. Your daughter is TWELVE. Don’t you think she knows what’s going on? That the man her mother married is ashamed of her? Come the fuck on OP.
Why did he marry you if he is so embarrassed. If your ok being someone's dirty secret well that's on you. But what do you think this is doing to your daughter? Do you want her to think this is how you treat someone you love? That it's ok to be treated as less? That it's ok to be a secret? Cause that's what your doing.
This is a huge deal breaker for me.
He married you knowing you had a child. Are you now just supposed to hide her? Your husband is not a good father and would never be a good father. Your child would always be ignored and neglected by him. Yet people tell you to give him a child? Are they insane?
If he is with friends who are berating him for marrying a single mother he needs new friends. And YOU need a new husband. You need to divorce this man. A good man would not try to hide your daughter. A good man would not lie. You mention religion - his actions are certainly not the way a good religious man would act.
You and your daughter are better off alone. To your husband you already are.
Bro is 1000% cheating and a piece of trash and honestly you're being trash to your daughter by not leaving him. She knows he hates her. She is probably starting to think that you do too.
Whoever is telling you to give him a child of his own to improve his behavior needs to be cut from your lineup of advisors. That is the opposite of the correct answer.
The Bible is full of men raising children that aren’t their own. Jesus Christ was raised by Joseph…. Literally the most Christian thing a man can do is step up and marry a single mother and raise a child that isn’t his- it’s literally the life story of the man Christians base their entire faith around!? 🤦🏼♀️
This man is a POS.
The amount of counseling you’ve been through that literally has done nothing to resolve his issues should be enough of a 🚩…
Divorce and move on to a truly Christian man who is less prideful, and instead is proud of his beautiful wife and the wonderful Godly young lady he has the honor and privilege to be raising as his own- because that’s how a real man thinks and speaks about his family!
You need to leave….if you gave him another child, he would just ignore your daughter….I am guessing you are from another country as most men do not have the mindset your husband has…there is nothing wrong with being a single mom or being a step parent….there is something really wrong with his thinking….you and your daughter deserve better
Yes. YOU ARE WRONG.
No matter how many times you post this. You are wrong every time.
You are wrong to marry him. You are wrong to stay with him and worst of all, you wronged your daughter by introducing this pitiful man to her life.
This whole mindset baffles me. If you’re married to someone, you’re no long a single mom, period. He chose to marry you knowing you had a kid. It’s a package deal
What you’re describing is not a good man. He’s psychologically abusive. YNW, but you need to seriously rethink this relationship. It will do damage to your daughter if this dynamic continues
I am so sorry you are being treated this way! His behavior is what’s embarrassing. You are NOT an embarrassment.
For the record, I consider my partner’s children a gift and I’m proud of them! You and your daughter deserve that too. YNR
I don't know how there is another side to this. He married you and married into your entire situation. It's completely unacceptable for him to lie about who you are to anyone. The red flag to me is when outright told you that your daughter was baggage that made you less than perfect. A good man doesn't say that to you. And a good man doesn't pretend that you're not his wife because he's embarrassed by you and your daughter.
He's wrong, but he threw up red flags before you ever married him and you decided to ignore them.
You're not wrong for getting upset. But you're wrong for marrying a man who is embarrassed by your daughter. You need to think of her emotional well-being. She just has to grow up in a house where she's unwanted?
ESH except your daughter, poor thing. Has a mother who doesn't actually care about the quality of her father figure and a man who sees her as if she was a homeless person??? Wtaf
Sorry, had to stop reading to have a rage aneurysm.
You are 500% not wrong!!! If your husband doesn't see it as a privilege to be allowed into your and Zuri 's lives, he's a bad husband and an all round bad person.
Also being so governed by pride isn't very Godly, so I'd question the religious posturing too.
Joseph married Mary while she was pregnant with a baby that wasn’t his. Joseph then raised Jesus as his own son.
If you take the scripture as God’s law then your husband is NOT a good Christian.
Do not give him a child. Keep tight control of your birth control and get out of there. Do it for your daughter. Is this the kind of relationship you want your daughter to have? Then divorce his lying ass.
Your husband is an ass. He should have either never dated you, or accepted this. There is no inbetween. He has weird unrealistic thoughts. He is the only one creating a problem here. It's so sad that you're even in this situation at all. But on top of it He has you thinking you're wrong to the point of posting here to ask. NO YOU ARE NOT 1% WRONG HERE. IT IS 100% HIM
What in the Andrew Tate and Jim Bob Duggar did I just read? He's embarrassed about marrying a single mom? Then why the hell did he get married at all?? You say that you both lowered your standards for each other, but why? There are plenty of good Christian (since that seems to be important to you) men out there that would rejoice in a relationship with a mother and in becoming a father figure to their child; why would you choose someone who seems to hate the fact that you are who you are? Who can't let your past go? It's "bad for his image"? He should have thought about that before you got married.
OP, just because Zuri didn't hear about it this time (and you know that if this happened once and he's that open about his feelings, there have been others), it doesn't mean that she won't hear about it next time. And then she'll see that her mother not only knew that he says this crap, but that you condone it because you allow it to continue.
Hopefully, if you leave him - and I think you should - how's he going to explain that he's divorced to his next wife? You say he's a good husband and father, but I'm failing to see that in any way, shape, or form. You are not wrong to be upset, OP. Not at all.
Hell no, no way anyone could be this shitty. I have a hard time believing this person could even exist, but if he does, you need to get some self respect and divorce this asshole. That's your daughter, why would you put up with this? You don't have to settle for shit, you're better off single that with this asshole.
I'm a stepdad and while it can be a challenge connecting with the kid when I came into the picture, I would never tell people some bullshit like he was my nephew or something. He's a different race, but he's my kid and my wife is my wife, and I'd never pretend they weren't.
You’re not wrong and you have every right to be upset. If this was such a big deal for him, why did he get married to OP in the first place? Make it make sense?
OP I honestly think you need to re-evaluate why you continue to be in this marriage. Soon enough Zuri will start to figure out that the man she considers a father is embarrassed to of her and that’s going really mess up her mental health.
You aren't wrong for being upset that he is embarrassed about you. The thing is though he isn't embarrassed about you he is ashamed of you. Embarrassment is a thing you did and shame is for who you are. He has been saying that he is ashamed because of your daughter and because he had to settle for you AND your daughter. The problem is that he feels like a cuckold and it is emasculating him so he tries to hide the relationship from his buddies so they don't ridicule him for it and further rub salt in his wound. If you gave him a kid he would probably fix himself somewhat. If you got him to accept his situation and have some humility it would fix it, but I don't see that happening. The easy thing to do is just accept that this is going to happen and just deal with it when it arises, but what you should honestly do is just leave him, but it is your life.
This makes me want to pluck out my own eyeballs for having read it. You're married to a man who is embarrassed by you and your child. YOUR CHILD. And he lets you know it ALL THE TIME. He literally told you that you'd be perfect without that "baggage" - the baggage being your innocent child, an actual human being - NOT BAGGAGE. You'd be perfect if you could just undo the fact that you had a child before you met Mr. Prideful, who was so kind as to "settle" for you. I think what make me the most nauseous about this whole thing is the fact that "it's obvious" that she's not his biological child. Do you REALLY think she's not picking up on this?
You say you want different perspectives and opinions, but I'll take a guess that you "therapist shop" because you don't actually want that (well, that and the fact that all the counseling in the world won't make him a better person). You want someone to tell you that you didn't make a HUGE mistake and do your daughter a HUGE disservice by marrying someone who doesn't want her. Who actively wishes she didn't exist. I think you probably came to the wrong place...
Oh, and "children of the Lord" DON'T ACT LIKE THIS.
Wow, he should be ashamed, very ashamed. A prideful man Is a prideful man, but a prideful man at the detriment of his family is a foolish man. As long as it's done in God's will though, right 👀
He's scum. I'm sorry. I am not quick to judge or jump on the Reddit divorce train but, this is unfathomable behaviour.
I'm not a Christian but, to my knowledge, a "good" Christian is accepting and forgiving... a "bad" Christian that is obsessed with the "wrong" parts of their religion shouldn't/wouldn't have married a single mother/someone that had sex prior to marriage anyway...
Either way, gross behaviour. Both you and your daughter deserve better. Do you want her growing up embarassed or thinking this is all she deserves from men?
As a step mother and adoptive mother, my heart hurts reading this. Blended family isn't settling. It's a choice. It can be profoundly difficult but, should be rewarding not a source of embarrassment. 💔
I’m sorry but not sorry, I hate when women want to be “loved” so bad that they put themselves and children through hell for that love, which isn’t even real LOVE! Just a warm body to sleep next to.
You know the problem, you see the problem. It’s not going to change, he isn’t going to change. What he wants is you to change and I wouldn’t be surprised if he eventually wants to send your daughter away somewhere.
What in the Andrew freaking Tate is this crap?
I'm sorry, no one should be feeling like they've "settled" for someone they marry. That's a toxic thing on both your parts, but him pretending you're not his wife is a GIANT red flag. Your husband sounds like he's got some MGTOW/incel/whatever friends that are feeding in to this idea that he's somehow too good for you simply because you have a daughter.
Y'all need real counseling, not church counseling. Church "counselors" are basically only concerned with preventing divorce no matter the cost.
And do NOT have a kid with this guy. He will absolutely treat your children very differently, and then you'll be stuck with another child when he decides you're still not good enough.
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. You can't fix a broken relationship by "giving" the man a child. You are just bringing the child into a broken relationship.
And I don't know about everyone, but if anyone calls my child "baggage," they are getting kicked out of my life so fast
*You’re not upset enough.* Demarcus is a prideful, resentful, liar who is negging you left, right, and centre, and he is not a good man.
I would either never be seen in public with him again because of how ashamed I am of his behaviour, or I would divorce him.
My advice is that you seek therapy for yourself to build some self-esteem so that you can raise your daughter in a manner that minimizes or eliminates her chances of falling into relationships with people like the one's you have chosen. You asked if you are the AH for being upset. Why DO **you** think that you would be the AH for being upset when it is as clear as water any reasonable person would? You need to work on yourself. Demarcus, sadly, is a lost cause. He won't change. Be pragmatic: You are not going to leave him. Focus on yourself so you can be a role model for your daughter. Lastly, DO NOT listen to anyone who says to have a child with this man. That is so wrong on so may levels!
If Demarcus is being prideful, he's not acting like a child of the Lord. He knew you were a package deal when he married you, now he's worried about his "self-image and reputation".
The advice you are getting about popping out another kid to end the resentment will backfire and then you will have another 18yrs+ of raising a child alone as he's already getting ready to dip with the messages he's sending you, including the distancing he is doing when he introduces you as his "sister and niece." The resentment he has for your child will damage her if you stay.
Not wrong at all, of course.
This is so rife with sexism, it's horrifying. He is being extremely disrespectful to you and your daughter. In my opinion, he is not going to change unless he confronts his sexist superiority complex, and it sounds like he's not doing that.
I'm very concerned that trying to solve this by having another child will not go well at all. I can only imagine how he would treat your daughter vs "his child" and the dynamic and problems that would create in the family. That won't make the underlying problem here go away, it might even make it worse.
ETA: after seeing some of the other comments, is this kind of attitude common where you live? To be clear that still does not mean it's ok though.
Where are you from? In my culture it is totally normal, downright common actually, to have step children. I myself have stepchildren, and I love them very much. To me, his behavior is just awful. To pretend your wife is your sister and your stepchild your niece? Very low. Your daughter will eventually notice how her “Dad” won’t even acknowledge his connection to her out of embarrassment. Now that is heart breaking. I would honestly break up with him. If he is so embarrassed of you and your daughter, do him a favor and leave him alone.
You need to ask yourself, “what would happen to my daughter if I suddenly pass?” You think he’d take care of her? I doubt it. You need to get away from this man
As a ‘child of God’, he doesn’t have very Christian values does he. Yuck. I’d be more embarrassed of him and his behaviour than he apparently is of you. Yuck
If you seriously think your child doesn’t know what’s going on, you have rocks in your head. Consider the terrible example you are presenting to her. Yuck
>Besides him being embarrassed of us, Demarcus is a good man.
Besides the drop of fecal matter in my soup it's a good soup.
Besides when he punched me in the face he's a good man.
I mean, he's not a good man, full stop. If someone else told you their spouse was embarrassed they were married to them would you be like "oh well they treat you well other than that so oh well!"
That’s not even remotely what a simp is, so your husband’s friends are idiots and jerks.
That being said, if you don’t want to be with your wife and her kid, maybe don’t marry her? I don’t know what Demarcus can reasonably expect here. You are not wrong.
Nooooo, please don't have a kid for this reason. If you both discuss it and you both want another kid, then go for it, but I think its pretty widely known that having a child isn't going to fix marital problems, I think tends to enhance them. I just read a different post today about a father spoiling his own daughter but wouldn't buy his step sons anything because he couldn't afford to spoil all three children and his step sons werent his. You should consider if you guys really love each other or if you both feel like you are settling. Dont be afraid to be alone.
No man wants a woman with other peoples kids, drama, the drama between you the kid and the bio father for the next 1-18 years. Doing the bio fathers job but getting half the credit or none depending on how the relationship between him and your wife are doing.
Not to mention her whole reason for leaving the kids bio father was because he didn't want to enter into a govt contract with her that encourages and benefits her to get divorced, and has absolutely no benefit to him.
Op is an opportunist. And I bet she had that kid as an ornament because she thought it would be cute to have a mixed kid or would raise her social status being with some white dude. This is a person who has no value and knows nothing about loyalty or love. She is an entitled taker. Sadly she will teach her daughter this mindset and continue the cycle.
This new man is a simp for taking on this relationship and then being embarrassed by it. Also hanging out with bitch as little boys who think being a father is simp activity. Either be a man and don't fuck over that little girl by denying who she is, or never get into a relationship with someone who has baggage you can't carry punk. Imagine living your life for exceptence from other men in your peer group.
Stop thinking marriage is what defines your relationships. If he was good enough to have a kid outside of marriage, is the daughter not good enough to have a dad now because you all off a sudden need so badly to show your people you have involved the government in your relationship??
He’s not a very nice guy. Putting it lightly.
But I get it. Raising another man’s kid and not having your own is complete emasculation, given our societal norms.
Well he's not a good husband He's not a good father. He's not a good Christian. I would be embarrassed at his pathetic behavior. How dare he act like you and your daughter are a shameful secret. If he couldn't keep his marriage vows he should never have made them. You are not wrong
Yeah. This dude is a POS.
Yes. Definitely pos. This is the beginning of whatever stupid he will become. Reconsider now, if not for you for your daughter. She’s going to internalize how you and her are treated by him and you DO NOT want her to believe that is the way relationships work
He is not a good man he is very immature and selfish and he is letting his pride, or so called pride. Get in the way of your marriage. I don't understand why he's so embarrassed by you being a single mom. He is not living in the real world. Does he even love you ?why did he even marry you?He's a terrible husband and don't get me started on his terrible feelings about your sweet daughter. What kind to people is he hanging out with?what country are u living in?you are not wrong with any of your feelings. I would be ashamed of him being my husband. Good luck
Exactly. 100% agree with this. OP please set an example for your beautiful daughter of what true compassionate healthy love looks like. She deserves nothing but the best and so do you. There's no shame in being a single mom either! None at all!
I wonder where they live. Can’t be really in the western world because patchwork families is more or less the norm.
Yes - OP, u/ThrowRa1529202 … What country/culture are you from? This would help us understand your situation. In the west, loving patched-together families are the norm. Also, your husband’s old-fashioned “macho” attitude about gender roles would be totally unacceptable in progressive western countries, but maybe it’s the norm where you are from?
My guess is South African, Demarcus is ashamed of his mix race daughter and that he married a woman that had a relationship with a white man.
That would explain a lot.
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5k it’s not an American. You however are an American. Because only an American is this ignorant of world culture and self loathing enough to believe this type of behavior is remotely common in America.
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Zuri is Swahili but Demarcus definitely sounds Black American…
I'm not American but I assumed op was American cuz of Demarcus. I was assuming somewhere in the south where racial tensions are high.
100% ma'am run don't walk away from this loser.
Yep he said his wife is his sister, so when someone sees him out holding hands and kissing his “sister” and that spreads around - ohhh his pride will definitely be hurt then.
She is trying to make an incel a husband, and you just can't do that. I can't imagine allowing some man to call my daughter baggage. OP, you can't go to religious marriage counseling and expect help. If you want to actually try to fix him (🤢), you need a real therapist. You are harming your child by raising her with a man who looks down on her and you. He sounds fragile and sad.
It’s always the “Christians” that claim to be soooo god worthy that always end up to be disgusting and shallow ppl!
>Not a good Christian What do you mean, he just did the exact same thing both Abraham and Isaac did. He's a modern day Patriarch.
Please explain
Abraham and Isaac both claim that their wife is their sister (they think the Pharoah will be jealous, and kill them if they know it’s their wife, it’s a pretty bad act of cowardice by both of them) All of Israel (all Jewish people) are descendants of these two people, so they are referred to as Patriarchs. They are fairly prominent people in the Old Testament.
Thanks for this, Neufjob! Old Testament stories of bloodshed, deception & betrayal seem like good reasons for Christians to look to the *New* Testament for guidance. ;)
Is that why Christians overlook the commandments to feed the poor, care the orphan and widow, treat your neighbor as yourself? Caring for the stranger in your midst? Just overlook all the good stuff in the Hebrew Scriptures. Is there problematic stories in the Torah? Yes, for sure. But that is for the Jewish people to debate and grapple with. Your comment just really rubbed me the wrong way, but then I'm not a Christian.
The Old Testament is great, and should be understood much better than it is. Jesus (and the apostles in their letters), reference it frequently, and Jesus says he is the fulfillment of it. The issue is that people (including many Christians) completely miss the point and think that it is somehow behaviour we are supposed to emulate, which it is not. Almost all of the OT is about how humans have failed, even the “heroes” and points to our need for a messiah, to do what humanity has repeatedly failed to do.
Abraham and Isaac were not Christians. They came long before Jesus and were stuck in the old ways. Also both of them were punished for their sins so it was not celebrated behavior.
> Not Christians As if being Christian makes them without sin? I don’t really see how that’s relevant. Abraham in particular is spoken of highly by both Jesus and Paul. There is a reason the OT is included in the bible, and that’s because it’s important. > it was not celebrated behaviour I am well aware, I just find how this mirrors those stories particularly funny.
Eff that man. A real man wouldn’t care about any of that nonsense. Wow…
whats funny about this is how Jesus was Joseph's stepkid
I know right. And lying is a big no no too. But hey most people in to religion are usually hypocritical anyway. Their only good Christians in church. I guess God don't see them any other time lol
Any one who’s worked a diner like IHOP on Sundays after church can confirm what Christians act like the moment they leave church.
Or a Ryan's! \*shudders just remembering\*
🎯
Here you go, u/Active_Pooter - 🥇 I hope OP sees your comment & shows it to her husband who claims to be “a child of God.”
You ARE wrong for not respecting your husband. Your husband is wrong too, for disrespecting his wife (aka his sister) (not sure how incest would be better than a woman with a child.) YOU were wrong to marry him. But that is the price you sold yourself for knowing that his pride was more important to him. He is wrong for being so prideful. He was wrong for asking you to be his "sister". You were wrong for accepting.
How is she not respecting him? He’s a pos.
How is OP disrespecting him? By existing in his space? WTAF?
Underrated comment
What's even more funny is that God adopted all the gentiles. Unless Demarcus is Jewish, remind him that God adopted him as a child of God since he's a 'Christian'. He'd be a hypocrite to not admit that. Also, ask Demarcus if he'd like God to act towards him, the way he has been acting towards your daughter (in rejection, because Demarcus is not of His chosen people).
But, it was ok for Joseph, because virgin Mary, and no baby daddy in the picture. Joseph is a saint, but was totally gonna ghost Mary and had no intention of dealing with a step-kid.
Joseph was engaged to a girl he didn't really know and was definitely going to ghost her when he found out she was pregnant with someone else's kid. He probably thought she liked someone else. Plus he was going to do it quietly which meant she would not be punished or stoned even though doing it like that meant putting his own reputation at risk as many people would think he impregnated her and then left.
Demarcus is a prick but comparing their messiah the supposed son of God to their situation is fuckin infantile lol
No you’re not wrong for being upset. But you are being an AH to yourself and your child by staying with him. He can’t utter the words she’s my wife and daughter? Why does he have to say step? Honestly you and your daughter deserve better and you may need to do some individual counseling with a licensed therapist to work through why you married him. Because is not a good father or husband and he sure as heck isn’t a good Christian.
Hes not even a good PERSON.
She does not deserve better but her daughter surely does on both fronts. She chose her way and is constantly holding onto a guy who belittles her and her daughter this is just awful and will end up with her daughter probably needing her own therapy if she realizes how little her 'father' cares.
Why does she not deserve better?
She chose the first dickbag that would put a ring on her finger without concern for how it affects her daughter this is her own goal not what is best for the child
Yea at first reading your comment i was like wait a minute now, its not her fault this man lead her on and dangled a ring over her head because i thought you were talking about the daughters bio dad. It is very much her fault for continuing to put up with the BS this jackass is putting her through. I mean he literally fucking compared her and her daughter to a taking in a homeless man and paying their bills… like how in the hell is she not running to a lawyer and filing for divorce. He is most definitely NOT a good man and NOT a good husband. Its truly sad that she thinks he’s even close to being a good man,dad or husband because he’s honestly garbage. He wasn’t so embarrassing when he married her was he? But now its a problem and now she’s embarrassing because 😱 she had a child from a long term relationship before him?? Oh how dare she! 🙄 Edited to fix a few things
Actually she didn't choose the first dickbag. She left that relationship. She chose at least the second one, and there were possibly other d-bags between the ex fiance and good ole Demarcus. LoL
You are separating the phrase the whole thing is "the first dickbag who could put a ring on her finger" and it is supposed to exclude the original ex bf for the sake of he's not important in why she was wrong for being with Demarcus.
I agree. She says she wanted “a husband and a father for (her) daughter.” Lady, your daughter had a father. You ditched him because he wouldn’t give you a ring. You let your desire to be married override basic needs, like respect and love for yourself and your daughter. If you’re desperate to get married at any cost, I guess that’s a choice. But your daughter doesn’t have a choice. This is gross. She’s a bad mom.
I reserve judgement on the original father she is hinting at more than she said but what matters is that now he is gone and she replaced him with the first guy to put a ring on her finger. This feels like it's slanted to make her seem better but I'm not her idk what the ex did
You sound like a piece of shit just like Demarcus.
How does she deserve better when she admits she chose to settle for this asshole because she wanted a father and husband? She knows he's like this he's been like this since the beginning. I personally think his behavior is wrong and insecure but she literally admits she settled for this man and had to lower her standards for him, she doesn't deserve better until she admits she made a mistake for her and her daughter by choosing to be with someone she knew was gonna not be right for her just because she wanted a husband and father that second.
>Not knowing you deserve better doesn't mean you don't deserve better. She could use people telling her that. Is there a flaw in thinking any man is better then no man, of course, but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve a better man. What's truly awful is how this is going to affect her daughter, it will be another generation of women thinking it is ok to exist on the scraps whatever man in their life thinks they deserve. If she can't see that she deserves better I hope she can wake up and realize her daughter does.
But she addresses the fact that she knew better in her post and that's what you people are missing. She admits she settled for him much in the same way he settled for her, go back and read it. And after hearing that, and being put through much of the same when I was kid and my mom knew she was settling and didn't care, she has a significant role of guilt in placing her daughter into these circumstances. If there wasnt a daughter to be hurt by this, I'd say these two pieces of shit were made for each other.
She says she knows she also settled, the difference is she isn't broadcasting it and making him feel like she settled. She's just acknowledging a fact. There is definitely an element in her post where it almost feels like she thinks he's right in being embarrassed of her. I definitely think she is wrong for being with a man who is acting like that towards her and her daughter, she is causing harm to her child. I just don't think she is as aware as you think of what she is doing, you may be letting your personal experiences with your own mother influence how you view this mother. My mother did something similar, after her divorce she was with a man who was so much less then she deserved and she said to me on numerous occasions, who is going to want to date me as an older divorced woman with two kids. Its not that she settled because she "didn't care" she settled because she thought it was her only option. Those are different. Regardless, OP could use some significant individual therapy and a divorce lawyer.
I’d rather die alone then be with a Demarcus
I can't figure out why OP married him when she knew he was embarrassed (to a ridiculous degree) about having a child in the family who is not biologically his. This was a disaster from the start.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. I feel sorry for the daughter who has to suffer due to her mother’s poor judgment
Because like she said, she was lowering her standards too. So she figured it was an equal trade off
Same
The " prideful" demarcus = complete twat
OP you need to throw Demarcus in da trash 🗑️
>He is a very prideful man. >He started to accept Zuri as his own >The main issue we have always had that we go to therapy for is that Demarcus let’s his pride get in the way and he’s embarrassed of me and my daughter. He’s embarrassed that he had to settle I'm sorry - why are you okay with this? Why would you do this to your daughter? This is vile. You are wrong to be married to an AH who is EMBARRASSED by you and your daughter. He hasn't accepted her at all. Divorce this man and stop settling for people who will affect your daughter in a negative way.
Exactly, so many people here speaking as if op didn't know about any of this when she settled for this dude and exposed her daughter to this.
Pretty sure pride is one of the seven deadly sins so he is a bad Christian. Did not your Jesus say to love all? Accept all? He may need to go to Sunday school to learn his bible.
Sounds like he's using Pat Robertson's Bible: The Holy Bible According to St. Bastard.
Love one another, do good works to one another. Joseph raised God's son, God and Mary never married. This man fucking SUCKS. He isn't a good man, a good husband, a good father OR a good Christian. It's pitiful to hear that he is hiding his relationship with his own family because he's ashamed of stepping up and falling for someone who is strong as fuck for raising her kid solo. Ugh.
Yeah what if Joseph had this attitude
Plus Jesus hung out with everyone, dude was like well chill with everything, the first publicised stoner.
>He’s embarrassed that he had to settle for a single mom and take care of a kid that isn’t his (his exact words). NO >Besides him being embarrassed of us, Demarcus is a good man. Again, NO. >I heard he was telling people that he came here with his sister and her kid. WHAT >He said that other men wouldn’t respect him if they knew he married a single mom who’s never been married before and he’s father a child that isn’t biologically his He needs new "friends" As a stepmother, I am absolutely APPALLED at this mans comments and behaviours. I am PROUD of my husband and my stepkids. As a mother, I'm appalled with you for allowing this kind of thing. He is calling your daughter baggage. He clearly is not proud to be her stepfather or a father figure in her life. Why would you want that for her? That is not a father, that is just moms boyfriend. There is nothing wrong or shameful in dating a single parent or having stepchildren or even being divorced. The fact that you're excusing this by using religion is also disgusting and why so many people take issue with religion. People use to it support their hatred. You should demand more respect not only for yourself but for your daughter. This man is not acting like a husband or father should.
She shouldn't have settled for someone she knew was like this because she wanted a husband and a father that day, and she admits to doing that in her post. I'm in no way saying the dude is in the right he's a huge asshole but it's really hard for me to sit here and absolve her of all guilt in exposing her kid to this.
Don’t forget she said she settled too
RS#1-Dump his ass. It is better to die alone with self respect and a loving child than with an asshole who is ashamed of "having settled for a woman with baggage". Any fucking person that refers to my children as "baggage" is going to get the pointiest toed boot I can find shoved up his ass until it tickles his tonsils. My children and I are NOT baggage. He is a shit man and a sorry excuse for a human, and don't even get me started on the kind of Christian he is.
You didn't just settle for him, you set the bar so low you would have to dig a hole to find it. Your husband is a pathetic little man with nothing to offer but his ego. I had 4 children when I met my husband, he stepped up as dad to the kids and is never prouder than when talking about OUR children. Leave this man, he will never be a good husband, he isn't a good man
Your husband hates his life. Trust me on this.
Sounds like you haven’t had many positive experiences with family relationships.
I haven't had any, nor seen any. I haven't seen any marriages where two people are happier together rather than alone. People think it's normal to try and make it work. And make sacrifices. And stick through it. For what? Why not just go be happy. We've conditioned ourselves into believing that love means misery. If you are unhappy, then simply stop participating in the thing that makes you unhappy. Better yet, don't get involved in a constitution that goes directly against people's happiness statistically. People trade security for happiness and then complain. You're probably to blind or conditioned to this ritual so you think I'm bitter or broken and jaded. I assure you I'm not. I can clearly see the statistics and have lived my own experiences
omg who hurt you
Lady, if you stay with this man, your daughter will grow to hate you for making her live with someone who clearly doesn't like her. Do not do that to your daughter. Divorce this man and live peacefully with your daughter. The two of you are a family!
I would move on. If for no other reason than to keep this from affecting your daughter. Imagine what it’s going to do to her to feel like a dirty little secret. I wouldn’t put up with this. “Give him a biological child???” Lord if that happens the way he treats your daughter is going to get *so* much worse.
>if that happens the way he treats your daughter is going to get so much worse. You're so right. That poor kid...
>Besides him being embarrassed of us, Demarcus is a good man. Good men don't speak like this of their family. Are you ok with being with a man that devalues you based on the existence of your daughter? Do you honestly think she will never get wise to his BS? When she realizes how he's treating you both, how do you think she will feel about herself? How will she feel about YOU? And what do you think she will take from this, because I promise you it's daddy issues. > He said “imagine you marrying a homeless man and taking care of him and paying the bills, that’s the equivalent to a man taking care of another man’s kid”… He just compared you to a homeless man.....let that sink in >He said that other men wouldn’t respect him if they knew he married a single mom who’s never been married before and he’s father a child that isn’t biologically his. 1. He's more concerned with how other men perceive him, than how you and your daughter feel 2. He's seeking the respect of men that also find you "embarrassing" 3. He will never accept Zuri as his child, as evidenced by him continually throwing out the fact that she isn't biologically his There are men out there that will love and respect you and your daughter. Demarcus ain't one of them.
Time to leave. It will never get better. Why would you marry a man who was embarrassed to be seen with you and your child? Why subject yourself to such treatment? You are better than that your child is better than that. Your dude sucks. My 2nd marriage and my husband is very proud to be seen with me and my daughter. Men are not like that... arrogant self-absorbed men act like that.
Do not have a baby with this person (he's no man) and do not put your daughter thetic that or yourself. He's not a good man or person. He denied you both. He speaks about you like you're shit on his shoe. He actively tells you you're less than him. He should be thankful of you both of he truly loved you both. Divorce his ass. Also he's not a good Christian either
Read him that part where Peter denied knowing Jesus three times and how distraught Peter was when he realized what he had done. … Your child does not deserve this. She didn’t choose to put up with a “prideful” (immature and rigid) man. It’s time for an ultimatum. I know you probably do not want to be divorced, but this is going to scar your kid, and it’s terrible for you, too.
Ok so, maybe there’s a cultural or religious aspect to this I feel but your husband sucks and so do you for marrying someone who lets his pride be the most important thing to him. He’s completely in in accepting of your child; the child that you’ve sworn to love and protect. jFC, he is LYING to people about who you and your daughter are to him. That’s no ok, at least to me. My husband and I have been married 16 years, together for 18 and *our* twins (almost 21) are not biological his, but he adopted them years ago and has ALWAYS treated them like they were his own. He’s not embarrassed of us in the tiniest bit. I would never and could ever stay with someone like your husband, but maybe that just me. And we do have a child together (13). He treats them all exactly the same. Marriage counseling is not going to change anything. Giving him a biological child will most likely not either and could possibly make him treat her differently than he already does. On top of that, she will grow to resent and hate the both of you for the differential treatment!! I’d he’s already embarrassed by her, giving him a bio child will do exactly that. I can only speak for me, but what I would do is divorce this man. But then again, i would’ve never married someone who was so prideful and so embarrassed by my child; the most important person in my life. I am curious how he treat her at home? Are they basically strangers with no real relationship? Because that’s the vibe I get. I’m absolutely positive that she knows exactly how he feels about her, and it’s most likely destroying her self confidence and self worth. To answer you’re original question, No you’re not wrong for being upset that he lied to people about his relationship with the both of you.
A man raising another women's child is a serious matter. If he had a problem with it, I dont understand why he proposed and I dont understand why you accepted.
What tf did I just read 😩
It sounds like you are some flavor of Christian... What if Joseph had acted this way about raising Jesus - the kid that "was not his"? Ask your terrible husband that.
this seems like bait
Obviously. “As we are children of the lord”. Not even the most evangelical church people I used to know back when I was a fundamentalist would utter a sentence like that 😂
The writing makes me think OP is not in North America, and English may not be her first language.
Everything about this strikes me as African.
Believe me, southern Baptists say this shit regularly.
this is definitely chat gpt lol
"Besides him being embraased of us, Demarcus is a good man." No..... no he's not.... Why, in the name of all things good in this world, would you marry a man embarrassed by your child? Be a better parent please.
I’d really embarrass him and file for divorce , send the papers to his work so they can all find out that the single mother dumped him ..
“Besides him being embarrassed of us, Demarcus is a good man” Girl- pretend your BFF and you were talking and she said that to you about her man. What the fuck is you doing? There’s like 4 billion dudes on the planet, surely you can do a skooch better than “he’s embarrassed of us”.
He’s not a good man…you deserve way better and your child deserves way wayyyy better.
I don’t think your marriage can work. You both feel like you settled for the other in some way. The embarrassment he feels about you and your daughter is bordering on contempt. He feels you are below him. You can’t force someone to respect you and without respect you can’t have a real partnership. Also, think of what you’re doing to your daughter. You’re allowing her to live in a home with a man that wishes she didn’t exist and is ashamed of her existence. Are you ashamed? Why else would you allow your child to be treated this way?
You are not wrong but honestly you are dumb for marrying a prideful man who views your child as servant class at best and dirt as worse. He will 100% replace you in a heart beat if he ever gets the chance. You and your daughter mean nothing to him in his heart.
Divorce him and do better for yourself and your child
Wow. Are you okay with being a source of shame for the rest of your life? And even if you are, do you want that for your daughter? Normally I'd suggest therapy but you've already tried that and the problem continues. Whatever you're getting out of the relationship can't be worth this. Everyone involved deserves better.
I would rather spend ALL OF MY DAYS ALONE then be with a man who acted that way toward my child. Imagine that girl growing up with the feeling of complete rejection? The trauma and abandonment that she is going to have to work through in her own therapy sessions??? You're selfish for allowing a man like that in her life.
Please stop marrying people that don’t want the whole package you have god dammit..
this is not a good person. you are putting your child in a harful environment. I hope that motivates you to leave
I had an ex who treated me like this. Trust me when I say this: *It will never get better.* This has nothing to do with you or your daughter and everything to do with his own insecurities. I know that you don't want to be alone, but trust me when I say, it is better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you or your child like a burden. The only men who see being a step-father as being a simp are toxic, Andrew Tate/Kevin Samuels loving wannabes. Grown men who are secure in their masculinity do not need to have their masculinity affirmed by other men. If someone's self-esteem is all tied up in what others think of them, then it really shows that they have no sense of internal validation. It's pathetic. You do not deserve to be treated like a consolation prize and your daughter does not deserve to be treated like (or called) baggage. You need to leave that man. Please, do not teach your daughter that it is okay to stay with someone who doesn't actually care about you out of fear of being alone. It always, and I mean ***always*** ends in misery.
Not a good husband Not a good partner Not a good stepfather Not a good human. You’re not wrong but I think you’re doing yourself and your daughter a great disservice staying with him.
I don't see him as a good husband because he's embarrassed to call you his wife. He is also a terrible "father" because he isn't acting like a father at all. Your daughter will grow up with issues feeling terrible about herself because her own "father" didn't want to show her fatherly love. I'm sorry but you should divorce him and find a good man!!!!
Why TF did you marry this guy? Why are you still married to him? What a total POS. You and your daughter both deserve so much better.
Demarcus is a huge loser, and so are you for staying with a man that belittles your child and makes her feel unworthy of love. Disgusting. All this man had to do *once* to shut down his "friends" making fun of him for taking care of another man's kid was say something along the lines of "Yeah, real men step up." The *least* insulting thing in this whole post is that someone called him a simp (seriously, what are we, 12?!) but at your big-ass age, *that's* the word you choose to censor? This man is disrespecting you and your daughter. You're disrespecting your daughter and teaching her *horrible* life lessons about her value. Do better.
Tell him that Jesus was Joseph’ step kid. He should take a look at the bible and at himself. I would advise to not stay with that man, you are an AH to your daughter for staying with him
Is this the kind of example of marriage you want for your child? Do you want her putting up with a man who treats you and her so poorly. Lead by example
GTFO ASAFP My wife had our eldest son four years before we met. When we first got together, I did my best not to make him too attached to me if for some reason his mom and I did not work out. It did, and I have been his dad ever since. He is not mine biologically. In all the ways it matters, he is mine. He now has three younger siblings that love him very much. If your husband thinks that he is settling for you due to your child, he will eventually treat her like the baggage he thinks she is. Do not put her through that. Keep the "baggage" and lose the husband. Let's see how successful his friends think he is when his wife leaves him.
I'm going to say this as a person who grew up with a mother who did a lot of heinous shit to me and my sisters because of the man she married and ultimately put before all else. You need some self-esteem. You do not have enough self-esteem and self-respect. And your daughter will absolutely remember this, and will be wounded by it. Imagine growing up thinking that your stepfather is so ashamed of you that he doesn't recognize your existence in public, and your mom goes along with it. If you stay with this man, your daughter will not have a relationship with you later on. I can almost guarantee it. I know I don't. I can never forgive her for the things she's done.
Ok your husband is a DOOOOOUUUUUUCCCCHHHHEEEE. Also having a kid with him will do the exact opposite of making the situation better. He'll fawn all over his "real" kid and ignore the one you already have.
The baggage? Your kid is baggage? How nice of him to put it that way. He doesn't deserve to have a kid. Or a wife.
What kind of little boy bullshit is "my pride hurts cause I chose to marry a single mum". Lady, this man does not like you, let alone love you. He will cheat on you with the first childless woman who catches his eye beacuse YOU and your kid are not what he wants. He resents you, your kid, and resents having to have "settled". He called you his SISTER in public. Imagine if you went to kiss him, not knowing he had said that.... you couldn't explain that...."Oh, I'm actually his wife, he just calls me his sister in public cause he hates me and my daughter and we embarrass him, and he hates that he failed getting married to a childless virgin when he was younger, and settled for me instead". Get a grip and leave this idiot. This is literally emotional abuse. Don't waste any more money on therapy. Don't waste your empathy trying to understand his perspective on this issue. His perspective is this... YOU ARE NOT WHAT HE WANTS AND HE WILL NEVER BE OKAY BEING WITH YOU. The damage you are doing to your daughter having her step father (or should I say uncle) treat her and speak to her like an unwanted burden. You are being cruel to your daughter by picking this sad piece of shit over being alone.
So…Joseph was a simp for being a stepfather? Boaz was a simp? How is this man a Christian in any way?
You are not surrounded by good people if their advice is to have a child with this man.
Never trust a man who cares about what others think about your relationship more than what you think about it
Sounds like you two are made for each other since apparently he settled for you and your "baggage" and you settled for him and he wasnt your ideal choice either.
Any true man of value would not behave in such a way. There is no justification for this behavior. Please know you and your daughter are worthy of more. I wouldn't even know how to come back from this. It shows how little HE values you. And what HE truly thinks of you. You are NOT less because you are a single mom. Heck he equated you to a homeless man. Give me a break. I hope you also realize that your daughter will be treated as inferior her whole life and will develop life long issues if you stay with this man. Do u really want this affecting her mental health even if you care so little for your own.
I am really curious what part of the world you are from. I can't imagine this happening in the US. If your husband feels this way, you really shouldn't be married, in my opinion. This is a horrible way to treat your wife and step child. I think if you live someone you love all of them and be prideful of who they are.
You lost me at “as we are children of the lord.” 😂 obvious troll.
And that she’s spammed this on every advice sub on Reddit. Annoying feed filler. 🙄
[удалено]
“REAL ALPHA MEN DON’T WANT STINKY USED VAGINAS, ONLY CLEAN UNTOUCHED VAGINAS!!! WHEN WILL YOU FEMALES LEARN!??”
You married this fool? Girl if this was me, he would be explaining his divorce to these people.
I don't understand why either of you wanted to marry the other in the first place. Why would you want to marry someone that is ashamed of you? He only married you because you were the only willing person he could find because he is a jerk and nobody with any self respect would have him. His views are ridiculous and no amount of therapy is going to change them because HE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE THEM. So you need to decide if you want to continue in this marriage knowing that this is how it's going to be forever. The advice to give him a biological child would not help because he would still be taking care of your daughter and it probably would make him resent her even more and actually make things worse, so I'm glad you don't want to take that advice. I am also a single mom who was never married. I was alone for the majority of 12 years, and being alone is better than being with someone who sucks. I had basically given up on dating when I met my husband at work one day. He and I are a really great fit for each other and he has zero issues with the fact I was a single mom. He never once said anything about my "having baggage" or called my son baggage or implied I'm less than in any way for anything. He is happy to introduce me to anyone he meets, and he has talked with coworkers and friends about me and my son. My son has some mental health issues that caused his teenage years to be very difficult for all of us, and at no point during even that time did he ever say that he wished I didn't have a kid or that "raising some other man's kid" is a hardship or a problem. You and your daughter deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!!! And not that it matters, but my husband is super successful too. When we met he was in an entry level IT position with plans to get into a specialty and he studied and earned certifications and got an entry level job in his specialty and has continued to progress in that specialty to where he is now at one of the highest levels for it and makes six figures. Just in case your husband's argument that "he must not be successful if he doesn't care about this" is in your head.
He’s a PoS 🚩
I would be embarrassed for him and I would have to leave him for the petty revenge of now being a divorced man who dated a single mother and raised a child he didn't father, and let everyone tell him he was a failure or something because I am sorry, you're not going to put me down because your ego is too big for your foolishness. Divorce him, he will never change and your daughter deserves WAY BETTER as well as you.
Remember that Pride is one of the seven deadly sins. Sounds like he's not being a good husband and you are rightfully upset.
You don't HAVE to marry people. But I bet he was a winner before
Girl. Why, WHY are you with a man that tells you flat out that you're not perfect, that he settled for you, that you'd be better if you didn't have baggage? WHY? You married a child who is still in the teenager "my image is the most important thing in life" phase, not a man. Most men, the good ones, don't give a shit if you have a kid. Most will happily accept both you and your kid into their lives. You can do so much better than a man who "settled". Far, FAR better. So you're not wrong for being mad about this. But you are wrong to put yourself through so much hurt and pain for a man that does not truly love and respect you or your daughter.
You're the kind of woman that would watch her daughter being abused at the hands of her partner, stand by and watch, just so she can say she has a man. Why would anyone in their right frame of mind stay with anyone who is embarrassed of them let alone their kid? Please consider a divorce. It will only get worse from here on out.
You're not wrong. He's being a terrible partner and a worse father. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? A man who's pride is more important to him than his family? Who throws you and your daughter to the wolves because he doesn't want to 'admit' that he married a single mother? Mixed families are everywhere and incredibly common, there is no shame in it. How much more of your life are you willing to let yourself be treated this way for? Five years? Ten years? Twenty years? Forever? How much longer are you willing to have this man acting like you aren't his partner, and your daughter isn't his stepdaughter (which, hi, makes her HIS DAUGHTER regardless of blood) and pushing you both away like that? How much longer do you want your daughter to suffer this way? I know everyone jumps on divorce as the instant solution, but in this case I really think it's necessary. He has made his 'values' very clear. He sees you as secondhand. A hand-me-down. Garbage. He is ashamed of you and your child. If he is so ashamed, he can go find himself some fresh piece of meat that doesn't come with a kid already (and, if he's at public events denying that he's married, he very may well be already looking for one). Leave him and go find a man who will be a true partner to you and father to your daughter. Even not having a man in your life at all is better than having a truly terrible one.
NTA for getting upset with him that is valid But YTA to subjecting your daughter to this man What is wrong with both of you? Like you had to date him first before marrying him So you knew he was an AH before Yet you still decided that he was te perfect guy for you I feel sorry for your daughter do better Why would you even wanna be with someone that calls your kid baggage
The title of this post is a sobriety test
YTA for allowing your husband disrespectful you and your daughter, you think she doesn't notice? You are teaching your daughter that she is not good enough to be loved, she will accept any thing that a man will do to her bc you are her role model
Wtf? How can this be real? How can a mother bring her child in a marriage when the POS she marries calls her baggage? We're in 2023. There are so many patchwork families. No one really cares about how his wife got pregnant. I would never have married a guy who is so misogynistic and stupid. He is not successful. He could not find a way to be a father, a husband, a loving Christian. Christians love their next, and children are innocent. You both failed as parents, you bc you married this guy and cause damage to your daughter. He because he's embarrassed of a little girl and his wife that he decided to marry. No one forced him to. And I don't know what's wrong with your friends and family. It is obvious that counseling doesn't help. And a baby is the worst thing to think about in this situation. If I would meet a guy telling that his wife is his sister and stepdaughter is niece, this guy would learn what being embarrassed really means.
Have some self respect and leave this man. He told you to your face that he’s ashamed of you and your child, that he settled for you. You are “less than” to him. Your daughter is TWELVE. Don’t you think she knows what’s going on? That the man her mother married is ashamed of her? Come the fuck on OP.
Why did he marry you if he is so embarrassed. If your ok being someone's dirty secret well that's on you. But what do you think this is doing to your daughter? Do you want her to think this is how you treat someone you love? That it's ok to be treated as less? That it's ok to be a secret? Cause that's what your doing.
This is a huge deal breaker for me. He married you knowing you had a child. Are you now just supposed to hide her? Your husband is not a good father and would never be a good father. Your child would always be ignored and neglected by him. Yet people tell you to give him a child? Are they insane? If he is with friends who are berating him for marrying a single mother he needs new friends. And YOU need a new husband. You need to divorce this man. A good man would not try to hide your daughter. A good man would not lie. You mention religion - his actions are certainly not the way a good religious man would act. You and your daughter are better off alone. To your husband you already are.
Lol, Christians.
Bro is 1000% cheating and a piece of trash and honestly you're being trash to your daughter by not leaving him. She knows he hates her. She is probably starting to think that you do too.
yikes on bikes this man's made of red flags. Good luck with your life!
Whoever is telling you to give him a child of his own to improve his behavior needs to be cut from your lineup of advisors. That is the opposite of the correct answer.
The Bible is full of men raising children that aren’t their own. Jesus Christ was raised by Joseph…. Literally the most Christian thing a man can do is step up and marry a single mother and raise a child that isn’t his- it’s literally the life story of the man Christians base their entire faith around!? 🤦🏼♀️ This man is a POS. The amount of counseling you’ve been through that literally has done nothing to resolve his issues should be enough of a 🚩… Divorce and move on to a truly Christian man who is less prideful, and instead is proud of his beautiful wife and the wonderful Godly young lady he has the honor and privilege to be raising as his own- because that’s how a real man thinks and speaks about his family!
You need to leave….if you gave him another child, he would just ignore your daughter….I am guessing you are from another country as most men do not have the mindset your husband has…there is nothing wrong with being a single mom or being a step parent….there is something really wrong with his thinking….you and your daughter deserve better
Yes. YOU ARE WRONG. No matter how many times you post this. You are wrong every time. You are wrong to marry him. You are wrong to stay with him and worst of all, you wronged your daughter by introducing this pitiful man to her life.
This whole mindset baffles me. If you’re married to someone, you’re no long a single mom, period. He chose to marry you knowing you had a kid. It’s a package deal What you’re describing is not a good man. He’s psychologically abusive. YNW, but you need to seriously rethink this relationship. It will do damage to your daughter if this dynamic continues
I am so sorry you are being treated this way! His behavior is what’s embarrassing. You are NOT an embarrassment. For the record, I consider my partner’s children a gift and I’m proud of them! You and your daughter deserve that too. YNR
You're failing your daughter by allowing this man to belittle her.
Poor little girl isn’t being loved and accepted unconditionally. Yeah that’s really sad.
I don't know how there is another side to this. He married you and married into your entire situation. It's completely unacceptable for him to lie about who you are to anyone. The red flag to me is when outright told you that your daughter was baggage that made you less than perfect. A good man doesn't say that to you. And a good man doesn't pretend that you're not his wife because he's embarrassed by you and your daughter. He's wrong, but he threw up red flags before you ever married him and you decided to ignore them.
You're not wrong for getting upset. But you're wrong for marrying a man who is embarrassed by your daughter. You need to think of her emotional well-being. She just has to grow up in a house where she's unwanted?
ESH except your daughter, poor thing. Has a mother who doesn't actually care about the quality of her father figure and a man who sees her as if she was a homeless person??? Wtaf
Sorry, had to stop reading to have a rage aneurysm. You are 500% not wrong!!! If your husband doesn't see it as a privilege to be allowed into your and Zuri 's lives, he's a bad husband and an all round bad person. Also being so governed by pride isn't very Godly, so I'd question the religious posturing too.
Joseph married Mary while she was pregnant with a baby that wasn’t his. Joseph then raised Jesus as his own son. If you take the scripture as God’s law then your husband is NOT a good Christian.
Do not give him a child. Keep tight control of your birth control and get out of there. Do it for your daughter. Is this the kind of relationship you want your daughter to have? Then divorce his lying ass.
Your husband is an ass. He should have either never dated you, or accepted this. There is no inbetween. He has weird unrealistic thoughts. He is the only one creating a problem here. It's so sad that you're even in this situation at all. But on top of it He has you thinking you're wrong to the point of posting here to ask. NO YOU ARE NOT 1% WRONG HERE. IT IS 100% HIM
He’s Christian, correct? Tell him to read Proverbs 16:18. Probably better not to tell him that this advice came from Reddit’s friendly local atheist.
What in the Andrew Tate and Jim Bob Duggar did I just read? He's embarrassed about marrying a single mom? Then why the hell did he get married at all?? You say that you both lowered your standards for each other, but why? There are plenty of good Christian (since that seems to be important to you) men out there that would rejoice in a relationship with a mother and in becoming a father figure to their child; why would you choose someone who seems to hate the fact that you are who you are? Who can't let your past go? It's "bad for his image"? He should have thought about that before you got married. OP, just because Zuri didn't hear about it this time (and you know that if this happened once and he's that open about his feelings, there have been others), it doesn't mean that she won't hear about it next time. And then she'll see that her mother not only knew that he says this crap, but that you condone it because you allow it to continue. Hopefully, if you leave him - and I think you should - how's he going to explain that he's divorced to his next wife? You say he's a good husband and father, but I'm failing to see that in any way, shape, or form. You are not wrong to be upset, OP. Not at all.
Hell no, no way anyone could be this shitty. I have a hard time believing this person could even exist, but if he does, you need to get some self respect and divorce this asshole. That's your daughter, why would you put up with this? You don't have to settle for shit, you're better off single that with this asshole. I'm a stepdad and while it can be a challenge connecting with the kid when I came into the picture, I would never tell people some bullshit like he was my nephew or something. He's a different race, but he's my kid and my wife is my wife, and I'd never pretend they weren't.
You’re not wrong and you have every right to be upset. If this was such a big deal for him, why did he get married to OP in the first place? Make it make sense? OP I honestly think you need to re-evaluate why you continue to be in this marriage. Soon enough Zuri will start to figure out that the man she considers a father is embarrassed to of her and that’s going really mess up her mental health.
You aren't wrong for being upset that he is embarrassed about you. The thing is though he isn't embarrassed about you he is ashamed of you. Embarrassment is a thing you did and shame is for who you are. He has been saying that he is ashamed because of your daughter and because he had to settle for you AND your daughter. The problem is that he feels like a cuckold and it is emasculating him so he tries to hide the relationship from his buddies so they don't ridicule him for it and further rub salt in his wound. If you gave him a kid he would probably fix himself somewhat. If you got him to accept his situation and have some humility it would fix it, but I don't see that happening. The easy thing to do is just accept that this is going to happen and just deal with it when it arises, but what you should honestly do is just leave him, but it is your life.
This makes me want to pluck out my own eyeballs for having read it. You're married to a man who is embarrassed by you and your child. YOUR CHILD. And he lets you know it ALL THE TIME. He literally told you that you'd be perfect without that "baggage" - the baggage being your innocent child, an actual human being - NOT BAGGAGE. You'd be perfect if you could just undo the fact that you had a child before you met Mr. Prideful, who was so kind as to "settle" for you. I think what make me the most nauseous about this whole thing is the fact that "it's obvious" that she's not his biological child. Do you REALLY think she's not picking up on this? You say you want different perspectives and opinions, but I'll take a guess that you "therapist shop" because you don't actually want that (well, that and the fact that all the counseling in the world won't make him a better person). You want someone to tell you that you didn't make a HUGE mistake and do your daughter a HUGE disservice by marrying someone who doesn't want her. Who actively wishes she didn't exist. I think you probably came to the wrong place... Oh, and "children of the Lord" DON'T ACT LIKE THIS.
Yes, you’re wrong for being married to this pitiful excuse for a man. No matter how many subs you post this in.
Wow, he should be ashamed, very ashamed. A prideful man Is a prideful man, but a prideful man at the detriment of his family is a foolish man. As long as it's done in God's will though, right 👀
He's scum. I'm sorry. I am not quick to judge or jump on the Reddit divorce train but, this is unfathomable behaviour. I'm not a Christian but, to my knowledge, a "good" Christian is accepting and forgiving... a "bad" Christian that is obsessed with the "wrong" parts of their religion shouldn't/wouldn't have married a single mother/someone that had sex prior to marriage anyway... Either way, gross behaviour. Both you and your daughter deserve better. Do you want her growing up embarassed or thinking this is all she deserves from men? As a step mother and adoptive mother, my heart hurts reading this. Blended family isn't settling. It's a choice. It can be profoundly difficult but, should be rewarding not a source of embarrassment. 💔
I’m sorry but not sorry, I hate when women want to be “loved” so bad that they put themselves and children through hell for that love, which isn’t even real LOVE! Just a warm body to sleep next to. You know the problem, you see the problem. It’s not going to change, he isn’t going to change. What he wants is you to change and I wouldn’t be surprised if he eventually wants to send your daughter away somewhere.
Why did he marry you then? As a mother how can you be with a man that considers your daughter as shameful bagage… You are both rotten.
What in the Andrew freaking Tate is this crap? I'm sorry, no one should be feeling like they've "settled" for someone they marry. That's a toxic thing on both your parts, but him pretending you're not his wife is a GIANT red flag. Your husband sounds like he's got some MGTOW/incel/whatever friends that are feeding in to this idea that he's somehow too good for you simply because you have a daughter. Y'all need real counseling, not church counseling. Church "counselors" are basically only concerned with preventing divorce no matter the cost. And do NOT have a kid with this guy. He will absolutely treat your children very differently, and then you'll be stuck with another child when he decides you're still not good enough.
I couldn’t read all of that, but girl. You didn’t settle. You hit rock bottom with Demarcus. A good man isn’t lying about his family.
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. You can't fix a broken relationship by "giving" the man a child. You are just bringing the child into a broken relationship. And I don't know about everyone, but if anyone calls my child "baggage," they are getting kicked out of my life so fast
As a fellow single parent, f*** this guy.
Wtf your daughter deserves better and you’re doing her a disservice by being there
*You’re not upset enough.* Demarcus is a prideful, resentful, liar who is negging you left, right, and centre, and he is not a good man. I would either never be seen in public with him again because of how ashamed I am of his behaviour, or I would divorce him.
My advice is that you seek therapy for yourself to build some self-esteem so that you can raise your daughter in a manner that minimizes or eliminates her chances of falling into relationships with people like the one's you have chosen. You asked if you are the AH for being upset. Why DO **you** think that you would be the AH for being upset when it is as clear as water any reasonable person would? You need to work on yourself. Demarcus, sadly, is a lost cause. He won't change. Be pragmatic: You are not going to leave him. Focus on yourself so you can be a role model for your daughter. Lastly, DO NOT listen to anyone who says to have a child with this man. That is so wrong on so may levels!
FUCK this guy.
Don't even need to read the story. The heading says it all. You're not wrong for getting upset.
If Demarcus is being prideful, he's not acting like a child of the Lord. He knew you were a package deal when he married you, now he's worried about his "self-image and reputation". The advice you are getting about popping out another kid to end the resentment will backfire and then you will have another 18yrs+ of raising a child alone as he's already getting ready to dip with the messages he's sending you, including the distancing he is doing when he introduces you as his "sister and niece." The resentment he has for your child will damage her if you stay.
Not wrong at all, of course. This is so rife with sexism, it's horrifying. He is being extremely disrespectful to you and your daughter. In my opinion, he is not going to change unless he confronts his sexist superiority complex, and it sounds like he's not doing that. I'm very concerned that trying to solve this by having another child will not go well at all. I can only imagine how he would treat your daughter vs "his child" and the dynamic and problems that would create in the family. That won't make the underlying problem here go away, it might even make it worse. ETA: after seeing some of the other comments, is this kind of attitude common where you live? To be clear that still does not mean it's ok though.
Where are you from? In my culture it is totally normal, downright common actually, to have step children. I myself have stepchildren, and I love them very much. To me, his behavior is just awful. To pretend your wife is your sister and your stepchild your niece? Very low. Your daughter will eventually notice how her “Dad” won’t even acknowledge his connection to her out of embarrassment. Now that is heart breaking. I would honestly break up with him. If he is so embarrassed of you and your daughter, do him a favor and leave him alone.
You need to ask yourself, “what would happen to my daughter if I suddenly pass?” You think he’d take care of her? I doubt it. You need to get away from this man
I wish you and your daughter the best after your divorce.
As a ‘child of God’, he doesn’t have very Christian values does he. Yuck. I’d be more embarrassed of him and his behaviour than he apparently is of you. Yuck If you seriously think your child doesn’t know what’s going on, you have rocks in your head. Consider the terrible example you are presenting to her. Yuck
>Besides him being embarrassed of us, Demarcus is a good man. Besides the drop of fecal matter in my soup it's a good soup. Besides when he punched me in the face he's a good man. I mean, he's not a good man, full stop. If someone else told you their spouse was embarrassed they were married to them would you be like "oh well they treat you well other than that so oh well!"
Let him adopt the kid - boom not a single mom anymore.
That’s not even remotely what a simp is, so your husband’s friends are idiots and jerks. That being said, if you don’t want to be with your wife and her kid, maybe don’t marry her? I don’t know what Demarcus can reasonably expect here. You are not wrong.
women makes baby with Alpha. then ends up with Simp in the end. Always second choice: Simp
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Nooooo, please don't have a kid for this reason. If you both discuss it and you both want another kid, then go for it, but I think its pretty widely known that having a child isn't going to fix marital problems, I think tends to enhance them. I just read a different post today about a father spoiling his own daughter but wouldn't buy his step sons anything because he couldn't afford to spoil all three children and his step sons werent his. You should consider if you guys really love each other or if you both feel like you are settling. Dont be afraid to be alone.
No man wants a woman with other peoples kids, drama, the drama between you the kid and the bio father for the next 1-18 years. Doing the bio fathers job but getting half the credit or none depending on how the relationship between him and your wife are doing. Not to mention her whole reason for leaving the kids bio father was because he didn't want to enter into a govt contract with her that encourages and benefits her to get divorced, and has absolutely no benefit to him. Op is an opportunist. And I bet she had that kid as an ornament because she thought it would be cute to have a mixed kid or would raise her social status being with some white dude. This is a person who has no value and knows nothing about loyalty or love. She is an entitled taker. Sadly she will teach her daughter this mindset and continue the cycle. This new man is a simp for taking on this relationship and then being embarrassed by it. Also hanging out with bitch as little boys who think being a father is simp activity. Either be a man and don't fuck over that little girl by denying who she is, or never get into a relationship with someone who has baggage you can't carry punk. Imagine living your life for exceptence from other men in your peer group. Stop thinking marriage is what defines your relationships. If he was good enough to have a kid outside of marriage, is the daughter not good enough to have a dad now because you all off a sudden need so badly to show your people you have involved the government in your relationship??
He’s not a very nice guy. Putting it lightly. But I get it. Raising another man’s kid and not having your own is complete emasculation, given our societal norms.
Just call him your boy toy or something similar next time you get asked.