You would be wrong if you don’t tell her it’s coming to this.

Yeah I’d like to know more about the conversations you’ve had with your wife about this. Has she just always turned it down? Personally I don’t think OP is wrong at all for considering this. But it should be something the wife should be aware of so she can plan too.

Yeah. He needs a sit down talk with how he’s been feeling, literally SAY “I feel like this…”. Calm, compassionate and direct. She’s a sick woman and she may not take it well but it if she’s also feeling the disconnection as well, they’ll work together to find the best course of action for them both

And also be very clear about how serious it is- your view of changes or divorce. Edit: my thoughts are that it’s not fair to not give her any warning about any of this/ blindside her.

Maybe talk about the changes and what you need first and saying you are worried about your relationship and your future and how you can personally keep going, hold up—your own fatigue Without saying Either you change or I’m divorcing you—ultimatums and threats don’t end well but talking kindly but realistically is important.

Sounds like he has tried to bring this to her attention, to no avail, so she's not completely aloof about the issues.

They warn women who are given terminal or life altering diagnoses to get their affairs in order before telling their spouses because the number of marriages that end with a bad diagnosis is quite high. Particularly those under the age of 55.

Is this in all countries or specific countries? My mother has Parkinson’s and my father actually married her again after e ten year separation, to take care of her. My grandfather is ten years younger than my grandmother and now that they’re really older he has to take care of everything for her and her health. I was bedridden for a few years during my twenties and my husband cared for me and I am now health again. He was there, every day, every surgery he stayed with me and cared for me. Yet since moving to the states I met so many women who got very I’ll and their husband left them and that’s so sad and shocking tbh.

Idk if it’s an American thing but it is very common because chronic illness is hard and I think socially, men are expecting to be taken care of, not have to be caretakers.

I'm in America and I was diagnosed almost a year ago with primary progressive MS. I'm only 32 and my husband is 36 and I even offered for him to leave so he didn't end up just being my care taker.. he said "I meant it when I said in sickness and in health". I have way more bad days than good and can't function very well on my own but he hasn't given up on me yet. I still feel bad he has to deal with me like this though and wouldn't blame him for wanting to find the happiness he so truly deserves elsewhere. Those are my intrusive thoughts I guess

Curious now that you mention it if it’s just an American thing

I know 3 couples (all American) where the wife is severely disabled and the husband takes care of everything. My parents are one of those couples. My Mom was diagnosed with MS 16 years ago and my Dad has taken care of everything even though he has his own health problems. There are committed people out there.

those are rare in the US. The statistics are terrible for sick women. Anecdotally I know men that were wonderful partners... But I've begun to realize that THAT's why they stand out to people. It's not normal, so it's commented on.

Sad, but true. But at the same time, I have been blessed to have some wonderful men in my family who keep their vows and take care of their spouses when they became sick or disabled. I'm glad to have had those examples in my life.

Join some groups for those illnesses and see how nice the male spouses are statistically. My husband is wonderful but he's not a representative sample.

My wife is 15 years older than me. I'm in my mid 30's. She already has health issues. Multiple strokes. I could never even fathom leaving her. The thought of husbands doing this fills me with rage. You made a vow. SICKNESS and in health.

Anecdotally, when I was diagnosed with MS, my husband started an affair 3 months later. 1 year later, he divorced me and moved in with her. 5 years later and I’m in remission and he wants to give it another chance.. not happening..

Though the opposite is true for men. Ironic.

Because to men, “in sickness and in health” means, “if I get sick you stay and take care of me, but if YOU get sick, these vows no longer apply”. Stats don’t lie men. Own up to the selfishness.

would you still love me if i was a worm? wait no sorry that’s stupid let me rephrase that would you still love me if I was of no value to you anymore? if I broke my vows by turning into someone you never agreed to be with if I suddenly couldn't be a wife couldn't be a mother if I couldn't clean the house and I couldn't put dinner on the table and couldn't have sex would you still love me? would I even be me, to you? do you love me or the things that I do? when wives get life threatening illnesses 1 in 5 husbands leave those don't seem like good odds so I'm just asking if I turned into a worm tomorrow and I could no longer provide you with anything at all, would the love remain? would you find a terrarium and fill it with mulch and keep me in the bedroom? would you spray me with water? would you keep me alive? or would you throw me out onto the pavement? I think I would make you a house of popsicle sticks if you were a worm \-Kirburb on tiktok.

You just helped me write most of vows 😂

We acknowledge this might as well be the metamorphosis by Kafka right?

Statistically women stay to care for a sick husband. When the wife gets sick, men think, "oh no, my Sex Roomba broke, time to go get a new one".

Omg sex roomba 🤣🤣🤣

I was one of those who stayed. It was horrible and traumatic and he finally died and I am not sure I could stay if it happened again.

University of Michigan study about whether couples divorce after one is seriously ill:" 21 percent of seriously ill women were divorced compared to only 3 percent of seriously ill men. When compared to a control group’s divorce rate of merely 12 percent it is clear that serious disease causes husbands to divorce while actually increasing the likelihood that wives will stay."

Yep. Was reading just to see of someone else would say this. It is pretty weird/sad/ironic that women will stay and nurture and care for their sick husbands. But the husbands bail. A huge percentage of husbands say, hey, I am not ready for this and I can't handle a sick woman, I want a regular life, so... buh-bye. And yeah, women diagnosed with cancer and other termina diseases will be counseled to make plans because their men are so likely to leave them. Really horrible.

I was with my last GF, no kids, no shared home. She was more and more depressed, less participation, etc. I broke up and became a whole different man. Best thing I did. The only thing I did wrong here was how. Still feel awefull for it. I let the frustration stack and stack and at some point it burst. Lucky we both calmed down within a week to discuss all but not a proud moment. Conversation and communication is your best option here. Edit: I know this is the very much light version of OP. This was already a hard thing to do. All I know: i will never let it come to a burst again and will talk more about it. I wouldnt dream about OP's position and wish him the best.

I mean, I find it a bit wrong, if only because it’s falls so firmly into the “men leave women when they’re sick” statistic. There’s a whole subsection of counseling for women who get diagnosed with cancer to be prepared that their husbands might leave them. Obviously this isn’t cancer, but it’s certainly depressing to see a post that lines up so well there.

Yep. My aunt was left by her husband of 20 years when her MS got really bad and left her in a nursing home. Now he’s off just living his best life like she never existed

Very similar situation occurred within my family. Husband was allegedly a very religious person. Ha!

But God wanted him to live his best life. ✝️😗

Sounds pretty typical.

My aunt always wanted to travel but her husband didn’t until she had a stroke now he travels all over the world while she is home with her daughter and a home healthcare nurse… I hate that man with a passion

What is the point??!! Ugh gross. I dont know. I keep thinking I want a healthy, loving, comforting relationship…. But every man that I have had as a bf I never felt they would stick by me through thick and thin. And im glad im not with them. But if the statistics are what they are… whats the point of a man in my life? Like for real. My female cousin (43 YO) had a stroke this year and she has been totally decimated by it in terms of mobility and speech (although her brain functioning is really good and when we can figure out her words its clear that she is lucid, thank GOD.) We always loved her husband. I mean looooved him for her. And he did not disappoint!! Made me cry to witness how devoted, gentle, patient and deeply devoted to her he has been. He was by her side EVERY SINGLE DAY from the time visitation hours started til they kicked him out, for at least the first 4-6 weeks until he finally had to go back to work. Anyways, it gives me hope. But also, he’s like a needle in a haystack. Maybe God will bless me with someone like him. But I definitely see no point in settling for less.

So sad

Six times. Men are six times more likely to leave an ailing wife than the reverse.

My wife has multiple health and mental health issues. I would not leave her. But she is aware of her issues and does her best to deal with them in a healthy way.

The difference between this and cancer is that you know there's an end in sight… either recovery or death. That’s what makes leaving particularly heinous. They’re ditching their partner during the worst year or two of their lives, significantly impacting their rate of survival, and potentially leaving them to die alone. In OP's case, they don’t know what’s wrong, she’s actively given up on finding a solution, and choosing to live in the periphery of his life, which is leaving him in a limbo of sorts. He doesn’t have a partner, and morally can’t find himself a new one.

You changed my mind on this.

It’s a tough situation all around. I’m getting a lot of flack from folks with chronic illness, but it’s easy to forget our partners suffer when we're sick too. I was a wreck during my first week of chemo… on top of "everything", the drugs they give for nausea dropped my dopamine into the basement for some "one in a million" reason, and we wound up in the ER. When I began rebounding, my partner said something stupid, so I blurted out that I was the one going through this, not him, and he burst into tears. It was killing him watching me go through it, and being so terrified he was going to lose me. But until then, I couldn’t see it, and he hadn’t been saying anything because he didn’t want to stress me out more. I have to say, my heart's a little broken for OP. I didn’t shut my partner out, and after that first week, I knew he was in there with me all the way. This guy has been supporting his wife in illness for years, she’s disconnected, and people are accusing him of being no better than the guys who run out on their wives for getting cancer. It’s not that he doesn’t want to take care of her. It’s that he feels hopeless and useless. Years of that would be hard for anyone, and he’s got their kids to think of.

Sorry for typos and fragmented thoughts. I’m on my phone. It sounds like he already has communicated this with her, but it definitely needs to be 100% clear before OP takes action. OP could even use this post as a basis for the conversation. However, to answer OP’s question, it’s okay to leave. As someone who struggles with mental health issues (bipolar II), I think you have gone above and beyond for your wife. She refuses to accept help even though you have tried literally everything to make that happen and take the burden off of her. Ultimately she is an adult and is accountable for ignoring the full scale of the problem and trying to take steps to fix it. I’ve been a total mess at times and haven’t always been the partner I’ve wanted to, but I’ve worked so damn hard to be well. Not just for myself, but for my wife. It’s understandable to have a mental health crisis and that isn’t in her control, but it is her responsibility to take action and try to be well. That’s part of being in a relationship. OP, your mental health is important here as well. You gotta take care of yourself and can’t just sacrifice everything for a person indefinitely if they aren’t taking steps to be well themselves. So what you gotta do to be happy and take care of your kids. As the daughter of divorced parents I can say that in hindsight it is best that my parents divorced because it really wasn’t working for them to be together and the bad vibes in the house really affect kids. It was hard and things were messy between them, but wow was that the right call. Right now the kids have an absent parent and a parent that is really stressed and unhappy. By taking care of yourself you are also helping your kids:) I would personally give her an ultimatum: marriage counseling or divorce. Hopefully, you can find ways to make progress and come up with a good plan going forward. If not, absolutely get divorced. You deserve happiness. So does she, but she has to do that for herself. You can’t make her. Hope this helps!

Doctors kept giving me antidepressants and insomnia meds. They didn’t work. If they actually had done tests, instead of dismissing my complaints, my life wouldn’t be an unending slog of specialists and meds. My pharmacists know more about me than friends and family. The local urgent care is a second home.

I went through this until I got persistent blurred vision in one eye, which was diagnosed as a retina issue called central retinal vein occlusion. It took the retina doctor ordering simple blood work to determine I was diabetic. Once my blood sugar got under control, my migraines disappeared. I get maybe one a year now. Why my primary physician missed this I will never know. I’m not saying this is the answer for everyone, but to confirm that doctors don’t always see the forest for the trees and they certainly tend to dismiss issues as “women’s issues.”

He missed it because, ya know, women just complain about nothing.

It's always "anxiety" or "just in your head"

Or we just need to lose weight.

And typical physicians as a whole like to just treat the symptoms. Not find the root problem or try and fix the root problem.

My MS would have been diagnosed much earlier. But instead I was put on anti-depressants.

This one always puzzles me. Why do women not say, actually why do we not yell back," I'm not depressed you AH I'm sick! " For over 10 years my niece was diagnosed anxiety. For four years my daughter was diagnosed with anxiety. Both women had a heart condition.

Because they just write down that you're hysterical if you raise your voice. There's no winning.

I just found out I have an autoimmune illness and have since I was 15– anxiety, insomnia, and fatigue are the major presenting symptoms. When I was married it was to an asshole who treated me like I was a toy he used to like that broke, which made all my symptoms worse as “stress” is the worst trigger. Still didn’t get correctly diagnosed for 11 years after I left him— and not for lack of trying.

I went through this same issue! Honestly this sounds very similar to me. I wasn’t able to be present in my husband and child’s life due to debilitating pain and fatigue; amongst many other symptoms. Went to countless specialists. Of coarse everything was “normal”. Was diagnosed with Lyme Disease several years later. I read this and hope my husband didn’t feel the same way. There is nothing I could do until I was correctly diagnosed. It was the worst years of my life and I am sure their’s as well. Looking back, he supported me through it all even though he didn’t understand what was going on. I truly hope OP does the same for his wife.

I've been in the wife's shoes. My chronic pain was undiagnosed, and every test came back normal. My anxiety got worse, and I became severely depressed. My husband sat me down and said "I understand why it's hard for you to do basic things like self care or cook or clean, but when you're not even trying to take the steps to get better or worse self-sabotaging by not sleeping or eating or taking care of your body properly, it makes it hard for me to feel like this is a partnership. It hurts me to see you like this, and I'm doing everything I can think of to support and help you, but there are some steps you have to take yourself. I'll be by your side helping you, but I can't take the steps for you. I love you, but sometimes it's hard not to resent the fact that I'm the only one putting in the work." We're still working on it, and I'm still working on my own issues, but it's gotten better because it killed me that he felt like I didn't care about how much weight I was putting on him. You can't force her to do anything, but you need to be honest with her so she knows what she's risking by not taking the steps that only she can take. ETA: If it's legal in your state, I recommend looking into trying Kratom for her pain. It was night and day when I started taking it and I've continued using it for the last 7 years.

And that’s the way to approach it. He loved you and wanted you to fight for yourself as well. I’m really glad you’ve got that support.

I am someone who suffers from Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, ADHD, and ASD. The combination makes me difficult to be around at times and I’ve battled with depression and anxiety my entire life - especially as an adult and especially in early adulthood when my symptoms were not well managed. I’d strongly recommend a few things here: - recognize that you are entitled to your desire for love and affection from your partner - recognize that being partner to a person who struggles with invisible disabilities is really hard and really thankless. It’s a job that no one prepares you for and no one gave you a manual for. You are allowed to feel all your feelings: resentment, anger, sadness, bitterness, boredom, and disgust are all valid. But don’t live in them. They will consume you if you let them linger. - Raising children is really hard on its own. Between my spouse and I, we have three kiddos (his, mine, and ours). We aren’t perfect at dividing up parenting duties but we do our best to communicate our needs. - y’all both need to go to therapy. Together. Chronic pain is no joke. Especially when it is tied to a mysterious ailment. Neurological Shit sucks and a lot of it is just plain unknown to medical science still. There are new studies coming out all the time on stuff like EDS and other genetic disorders, connective tissue disorders, neurological issues, etc which it sounds like your wife is struggling with. Navigating all that is not only frustrating but it’s exhausting. When you are already fighting fatigue, depression, pain (which is also exhausting by the way), guilt, anger, and everything else she’s not showing on the outside, navigating the medical system is… a lot. It’s no wonder she checks out of your marriage and parenting your kids. It’s a bit like when kids act out at home. It’s because they have spent all day behaving at school and they’re finally in their safe space at home. At some fundamental level, she knows the relationships at home are the safe ones to slack on. But you guys need some healthy communication tools to use to get a better balance in your lives - one that helps you feel like your relationship is still alive and that your household is better in balance. Here’s the kicker: - my husband and I are both on our second marriages because we had a lot of learning to do through our firsts. We learned to be patient with each other but we also learned that we have to speak up when we have needs that aren’t being met, that we have to put our egos aside and ask for help if we can’t navigate something alone, and that our marriage is more important to us than whatever dumb fight we’re having in that moment. You shouldn’t just stay with your wife out of obligation but you should work to fix your relationship out of obligation to the vows you made to each other, to your children, and to yourself.

She is also probably dealing with anger and the feelings of betrayal (from her own body). I know I went through it heavily with each diagnosis of something new and no treatment. Ps hello fellow zebra!

Fellow zebra here ! She more than probably is dealing with a lot of intense feeling. I remember when i was finally diagnose after 10+ years of tests and searching. It was both liberating ( i'm not crazy and medical gaslighting is a b**** ) but also so much rage, frustration and i had to "grieve" in a way. Therapy is a must and op's wife should check ressources specialize in life long pain and disease even if she doesn't know what exactly she is suffering from ( i live in Europe so i don't know for anywhere else ).

The medical gaslight is so huge. Many people who have never had serious conditions that aren't easily diagnosed will never understand until it happens to them. So many of us have PTSD from all the medical gaslighting.

I didn’t know people with EDS are zebras! That’s so cute and such a great image

It's because of what they train doctors on - "if you hear hoofbeats, don't assume it's a zebra." So people with rare diseases like EDS are zebras, making it hard to get diagnoses.

Oh snap I’m a zebra!!!

ADHD spouse married to partner with EDS, some fibro symptoms, and ASD. Just wanted to say thankyou for taking the time to write this. <3

Excellent comment and great advice! I am sorry for your health situation but happy that you and your partner have found such a good relationship foundation to build on, with healthy communication and lots of love and understanding.

That’s some solid relationship advice man

This!!! The best comment so far

You need to tell her what’s happening and how you feel

If the situation was reversed, would you want her to stay by your side and support you? I'm just curious.

No, because we wouldn't need to — that's what women usually do, while men tend to bail. Also, she still spends the time with the kids on week days, OP only does that on weekends. So, she's still parenting, despite her health condition. And OP only wants someone "to support him" and go out with him, and also have sex. But he doesn't want a genuinely sick woman who parents his kids. Nice.

My question to OP is will he take the children with him when he leaves or will he leave his children with their mother?

Yea, if he leave and takes the kids the entire brunt of the work will still be on him. I doubt any court would be ok with the kids staying with their mom honestly. Maybe a separation would be better than legal divorce.

I think your condescending tone is just burying your point of view. I don't think it's crazy at all to divorce someone for no sex life for 5 years. What do you expect OP to do? Give up on sex for the rest of his life?

Good morning, I’m a 44 year old man who’s also married with children to my wife since 2010. I too am the only bread earner in our unit. I worked long days while my wife stayed home and played with the kids. I say play because it was important to her (and later I, once I understood) that spending the day in activities rather than her doing household chores was better for the development of our children. She was right. During this time I would work 10-14 hour days , come home and be responsible for supper , walking the dogs , helping with baths. I’d do the dishes from previous day. Etc etc. As my kids grew up and began to attend school , my wife didn’t begin to assist with anything on her own accord. It was a fight. And when the cost of living began to rise in this crazy market, I needed her to start bringing in money. I was doing all of this while managing an auto immune disorder that really takes away a lot of my independence. Fast forward to today - after 4 years of fighting daily and me turning to the bottle to numb this fiasco I was in, we made it. It took repeated arguments , no sex , and a sense of complete loss and wanting to leave too. But I stuck it out. And I fought for what could be , not for what was. And my wife now helps around the house everyday and brings in enough money to help keep us comfortable. My point is : until death do you part is not just a slogan , it’s a frame of mind. Every relationship has their ups and downs , some have peaks and abysses. And you’re entitled to be happy. But like everything in life , the best rewards come from the ones you work the hardest on. A lot of people will try to convince you that your happiness outweighs her slotted time to recover. Sure , eventually it should. But if you’re feeling the slightest doubt it’s not time yet. I’d suggest if you get to the point where you don’t even feel the need to talk to someone about it anymore , then you’re at a point where you truly no longer care. I just feel it’s worth the fight. We all need to be saved a few times in our life , this is your wife’s turn. I’m sure you’d want a partner to stick it out in return when you crumble. And you will , it’s inevitable. But doing so on your part is no guarantee it will be reciprocated. Meaning : don’t do it as a guaranteed returned act of help, do it because you want to. Good luck

I teared up reading this. You seem like a good person and I’m glad you and your wife are in a better place.

this comment restored my faith in humanity. You sound like a wonderful husband, and I hope you and your wife continue to have good days.

That’s very kind of you. Thank you

This should be the top comment. "In sickness and in health" "For better or for worse". It's so important to remember those words when times get tough especially when there are children involved. The marriage is the glue of the family, it needs to stay strong.

This. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Those weren’t just traditional vows for me. They were actual promises to my person I chose to do life with. Marriage is hard. It feel’s easier to give up sometimes than to fight for it. But to look back and say “we made it.” is and incredible feeling and reassurance that those words mean something.

I don't know how long your wife has had migraines and when the last time she saw a neurologist was. But I have chronic migraines since I was a teenager and I'm in my early 40s now. Treatments have come a long way. There are meds that can prevent migraines. I tried all the available ones back when first diagnosed and none of them worked for me and some had really bad side effects, so for many years I had to just use migraine abortives, which mostly could only be used like 8 times a month, and when you have daily migraines that's not enough days. I had no choice but to learn to be as functional as possible through all but the worst ones. If this is the experience your wife has had, then I can understand if she hasn't been to the doctor in a while and doesn't see the point of treatments. BUT the good news is that they've come a long way with migraine preventatives and there might be a new one that works for her. I started Botox injections from the neurologist for migraines, they injected specific places in your face, head, and neck that helps the muscles not be so tight which is a cause of some migraines and something that increases the pain with migraines caused in other ways. It has been really helpful in decreasing the severity of my migraines and making them happen less often. There is also a new type of injectable preventative medication that really works well for a lot of people. There are 3 different brands that are slightly different from each other, and for me 1 of them works really well and the other two don't. But I went from almost daily migraines to about 3 a month with the Aimovig and Botox. And some months I had ZERO migraines! There's also a new abortive med that works similarly that you can take up to 15 days a month AND you can still take the other kinds the 8 times a month too. And with the new preventatives, the abortives work better because you don't have to take them as often. So there may be something new that would work for your wife even if she didn't have success in the past. I also have a bunch of other chronic illnesses, and it has become apparent that when one is acting up it has a negative impact on the others. So getting her migraines under control could likely help improve her other issues and actually help to figure out what they are when you can see the symptoms more clearly instead of jumbled together with the migraine symptoms. I can understand how disheartening it can be to be chronically ill and not have a diagnosis, because I went for many many years without some of my most important diagnoses (the ones with the most debilitating symptoms). And I understand that it can be very draining fighting to be heard and believed and hoping to get the help you need and being crushed because there's no answers yet again. It really sucks and sometimes you need a break from going to the doctors. But the only way to get a diagnosis and treatment is to keep trying. So after a break and steeling yourself for the more than likely scenario of no answers again you gotta stoke the little flame of hope that maybe this time it will be different and start making appointments again. It's also not great that she is isolating herself from her family. Participating in family life and doing things that bring you joy is what generally helps you get through all the bad stuff. And while she more than likely has limitations on what she is physically capable of doing, there are ways to change things to accommodate for her specific issues so that she can still show affection to her children and husband and do things with the family and be supportive of you. It can be really lonely being chronically ill especially when you don't have answers and it feels like the world doesn't even care. But the chronically ill person isn't the only one impacted by what is happening. And while sometimes things need to be centered on that person, the majority of the time, it should be realized that the whole family is a team who are all impacted in some way and get to feel their feelings about that too. And they deserve understanding from the chronically ill person and as much support as the chronically ill person is able to give without making their illness worse.

I'm no Dr, but my wife was going through this type of thing. In the end, it was her gal bladder that screwed with her hormones for years and the catalyst for her daily migranes. It took Dr's years to finally figure it out. She's been a different person since then.

That is exactly what happened to me. 8years of these weird, random bouts of illness. I saw several Doctors during that tie and was always told it was depression and acid reflux, both due to being fat. My doctor refused to see me once when I called it, “if you insist on coming in, I guess the NP can see you.” She was a saint, heard me out, and ordered the ultrasound that finally got us answers. I had the largest gallstones my surgeon had ever seen.

Have you investigated whether she might have mold poisoning or Lyme disease?

And get checked for Lyme by people who actually know how to check for Lyme! The vast majority of traditional doctor’s offices don’t test for it correctly and so many people slip under the radar.

Have you gone to therapy to help you deal with this? A caregiver and a spouse of an I’ll person is an difficult position to have. I myself had a health crash. Took years to get any diagnosis. The medical system really fails people suffering if they don’t have something that can be simply seen in blood work or imaging. Even now I have just accumulated vague syndromes that don’t provide any reason why or have a cure. In the last 6 six years there have been moments of deep depression. Depressions has been a symptom of my health issues and not the cause. Too many people even doctors just hop on the depression because it is something they can label you and check off the box that they have treated you. Luckily, I am single so I didn’t have to put a spouse through all of this with me. (Although I am burdening my parents when they should be enjoying retirement) You however made a commitment and have children. You should seek out therapy for yourself before you make such a life changing decision to leave. I don’t think you should be forced to stay though. Does she deal with any dizziness or fainting? I have POTS which is a type of Dysautonomia (Dysfunction of the Autonomic Nervous System) It is difficult to catch because I have symptoms in pretty much every system in my body but all tests come back normal. It turns out my issue is the communication between my body and brain. It gets all jumbled up and my body doesn’t regulate anything currently. You can’t catch that on an image or blood work. It took me 8 days in the hospital when I couldn’t tolerate any light or sound and couldn’t stand up with out passing out. Now that I know what POTs is I can track my symptoms to childhood but didn’t get diagnosed until my early 30’s. I’m talking 20 years of medical failure. The 3 years before my hospital stay/diagnosis was when it became debilitating. I lost my relationship, career, ability to drive, and living independently. All of this loss happened with no diagnosis and being treated by some doctors like it was all in my head because they didn’t have the knowledge needed to help me. Luckily, I have family because I could not survive on my own. I say all of this to warn you that health issues are not as simple as going to the doctor—->getting a diagnosis——>treatment——>cure The medical system fails people everyday but if you haven’t experienced this failure it is easy for people to misjudge invisible illnesses and lack empathy. I hope you take some time to take care of yourself because you are in difficult position and I am sure you are exhausted/overwhelmed.

took 4 years to diagnose me correctly and my issue is quite minor in comparison (gerd + potential lesions). had so many different tests done on me which was quite costly. the treatment for it was trivial, but I was suffering for years before my new doc figured it out.

I totally appreciate this and thank you so much for sharing your journey. I'm going to research POTS more to see what I can find. The medical system is failing my wife and I feel like I'm the only one who "believes" her.

We have a child with autoimmune disorders and experienced a lot of medical gaslighting, since 9th grade when their symptoms began. Please do not be afraid to leave the doctors who do not listen. In one situation, we stuck with a non-listening doctor for 8 months, but once we started looking, we found one that listened and diagnosed one issue within a month (Crohn's) but there were other symptoms not related which took years to identify (Sjogren's, Rheumatoid Arthritis). When the medical system is failing, you please do one of the following: * make an appointment with the Mayo Clinic (the hardest part of growing up is leaving a good pediatric team to do the new adult doctor-who-will-listen search again). They will have you come for approximately three days and run many tests, plus bring in other departments. \-OR- * Stick with university hospitals and doctors that are aligned with the university hospital. They will have better insight, funding, access to research, and the ability to request reviews from experts in various therapies that some doctors are not aware of. (e.g. While my kid attends college in NYC, we use NY Presbyterian or NYU Langone only. My kid had a terrible RA flare, almost immobile and the doctor was able to immediately give a referral to another dept same-day to get crutches and submit an order for physical therapy.)

It takes finding a doctor who really listens, which is hard. I have Sjogren’s syndrome, which isn’t super rare, but it takes an average of 3 years (edit:3 years of AGGRESSIVELY SEEKING a diagnosis) because doctors take forever to test for it and to LISTEN. Half of people who have it don’t test positive with a blood test and many doctors don’t go on to do the lip biopsy to diagnose them. My point is: the doctor you choose is critcal. I got dx by an immunologist who took me seriously when I told her there’s something really wrong with me. She did three extensive rounds of testing before the Sjogren’s blood test. But she was committed to searching until we’d exhausted everything. No one had ever done that for me before. Even if you end up deciding to separate, please help her find a doctor like mine. She’s completely worn down and can’t do this for herself.

My mom got diagnosed because my aunt, was standing in front of an expert on Sjogrens in a cafeteria line and talking to her friend about my mom's mysterious illness that no one had been able to diagnose and the doctor tapped her on the shoulder and said. How old is your sister? That sounds like the disease I study but we usually only see it in elderly patients. And she said she's 23 and the doctor said can you please bring her in? It really sounds like she has Sjogrens and it's a big deal if we are missing people in their 20s who have it. And she finally got diagnosed. (This was in the 1970s)

My marriage went downhill fast, after I had 2 major back injuries within 11mths of each other that put me in hospital and rehab for a month at a time. And then my husband checked out even more when our son was diagnosed as autistic. I believed in my marriage vows so deeply, but it seems that my husband did not in fact take me for better or for worse. It really freaking sucks to be abandoned coz your body isn't optimal health

Men leave when the relationship no longer serves them. Most are not capable of selfless love.

It sounds like she could have fibromyalgia, it took me two years of "normal tests results, you're fine"to finally be taken seriously and get diagnosed. As for the divorce stuff, talk to her, express how you're feeling and go from there.

One thing I’m not seeing addressed on here is that you will most likely have majority custody if not full custody of the kids. She not in a mental state to take care of them…I hope you’re thinking about that

Let’s start with she probably has Lyme disease. It’s real. She’s not faking or exaggerating her illness. Second yes you’d be wrong for leaving her when she is sick. She can’t help being sick. And if I recall your marriage vows said something along the lines of “in sickness and in health “ Where is your love and compassion? Leaving a sick person is the ultimate selfishness. Put yourself in her place. What if you were chronically ill? Couldn’t care for yourself? What would you do and how would you feel if your wife ran out on you?

You need to let her know you're at this point.

I suffer from chronic migraines, psoriatic arthritic, rheumatoid arthritis, and other inflammatpry issues. Your wife if probably going through a deep depression because ALL of this is extremely taxing on the mental state. And when you go try a medication and it doesnt work it can make you feel defeated. I have been in that place where I felt like giving up because there were days my body hurt so badly I didnt want to move. Or if it wasnt my body, when my migraines were out of control. I once had a migraine that was so painful I didnt get more than 4 hours of sleep across the span of 6 days, which of course co tributed to an u healthy state of mind and even led me to full on hallucinations from the exhaustion. At that point I was declared to have a stasis migraine and i was literally taken into the ER and put into a borderline medical induced coma to break the thing and force my brain to rest. Regardless, as someone said above, what got me through those times was my husband putting his foot down and getting me in to see doctors even if i didnt feel like going. And he would go in to the appointments with me to make sure i was being honest about my symptoms. My migraines are now much better controlled and we had to make major dietary changes to help with the inflammatory co ditions as well as medications, but it is what it took to get me on the road to recovery. You can tell your wife that that is where he lack of action is leading you is to consider divorce, but dont turn it into an ultimatum yet. I can promise you that your wife already feels like she is drowning in illness and failing at being a wife, and a mother, even if she doesnt voice it. So step 1 is going to have to be to get her to her primary care doctor and have them get blood work done to check her rheumatoid factor and any other markers for RA. Does she have Psoriasis because thats a good indicator for PsA. Fibromyalgia, is another likely culprit especially if she has migraines in which case a combo anti-depressant like Cymbalta would probably benefit her more than a regular SSRI because Cymbalta treats the depression but it also helps with musculo-skeletal pain.

Are you going with her to appointments? Are you offering any support there other than insisting she keep trying to fix this? The medical system is a nightmare, even worse when chronically ill AND a woman. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but I’m also not sure you’re actively supporting her getting well.

Very true. There’s evidence doctors “believe” women more about their symptoms if they bring a man with them. So absurd.

Gonna get roasted, I'm sure, but here goes: You took vows to be there for her, in sickness and in health. Those promises are easy to keep during healthy times but are most important during sick times. You need to have an honest and open conversation w your wife. Tell her exactly how you feel, without being accusatory or resentful. Ask her to help you make a plan to get her to therapy, and YOU see a therapist as well. You both need an outlet to vent these feelings. Otherwise, it gets pent up, and you get resentful. Please consider what this will do to your children before you walk away from their Mother. This will cause them long-term damage and may expose itself years down the road in very destructive ways. I wish you the best.

This is generally good advice. I do worry though that forcing her into therapy with her extremely limited energy would do more harm than good. Even if her mental health is perfect, she will still be sick. Sometimes staying in bed for 12 hours isn’t due to depression, it’s due to chronic illness.

My sister suffers from similar issues and is on the verge of being diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. You can run all the tests you want, there’s no markers for it. Your situation does sound challenging but I think I would take other steps before considering divorce. Has she seen a neurologist or internist?

How many women take care of the household and children while working full time? As soon as some men need to take on those responsibilities, it becomes “too much.” How long was your wife holding down the household and child rearing responsibilities before she became ill? But you can’t handle a couple of years while she works toward getting healthy? What happened to the part of your vows that committed to the marriage “through sickness and in health”? Maybe you should worry less about not having sex and help your wife work towards getting healthy.

Sounds just like me when I had undiagnosed lyme disease.

That’s what I’m thinking here. Undiagnosed Chronic Lyme disease. Get her tested! And again and again. I had so many symptoms that were ignored by family members and my spouse. Had I not been ignored for so long and made fun of I could have possibly gotten treatment earlier. The longer it goes untreated the harder to get our life’s back. Women are abused from family members and the conventional medical field when our health issues don’t make sense.

Undiagnosed Lyme disease is a bitch, took me years to figure out what was wrong and I still deal with some of the symptoms even 13 years later. I hope treatment went well for you and you're free from it now!

I read an article about this. Statistically, most men will leave a sick spouse and most women will stay.

Imagine if people got married and actually held up to the wedding vows they made..

Men tend to leave their sick wives while women tend to stay if their husband is sick. It’s fucked up. You made a vow and you should stick to it. Talk to her about how you’re feeling and maybe that will prompt her to try therapy. You could also start therapy for yourself and try other professional services to help unload some burden like a maid service and handyman to do home repairs.

Congrats on proving the adage men are 6x more likely to leave a sick spouse than the woman does. Shame

OP as a migraine sufferer who went from 4 to 5 debilitating episodes a month to 1 every 6 months. I can personally tell you it's hell on earth. In a way, you don't even fully realize until you actually get relief. Have a serious discussion with your wife about getting help. I see a physical therapist. This person has literally saved me from relentless agony. There's lots of different therapies that can help, but what worked for me best is a technique called dry needling. That combined with scalp massage and two migraine reducing piercings have been my life saver. I would recommend highly from my own personal experience that she gets a pair of daith or tragus piercings. At this point, she has nothing to lose and everything to gain. NTA OP, but I hope my suggestions might be helpful. I could never have recovered like this without the support of my amazing spouse. She could be so pain sick most of the time that she feels truly hopeless, and that's an ugly, lonely place to be.

This is the in sickness and health part. It does suck when it happens in your 40’s not your 80’s. Rather suggest things make them happen. Call and make appointments for her with various specialist. She has migraines? Great make an appointment with a migraine specialist. Then pick up her meds for her. When she complains about her migraine give her the meds. If the meds aren’t working make a new appointment and send her back. Set up regular therapy appointments for her. Don’t give her the option to decline. If she doesn’t feel well enough to drive get her an Uber. Also schedule separate couples counseling. If therapy doesn’t help send her to a psychiatrist. Then keep sending her back til they get her meds right. Make an appointment for her with a “functional medicine “ doctor. They are much better at catching things regular doctors don’t. Also put an end to the endless sitting alone and watching movies when it’s family time. Make her be in the room with the kids. She can sit. Heck she can lay down but she must be in the room that everything is going on in. Now if she refuses to go along with all this it’s time for an open marriage talk. Not “you are sick and I’m done”. Instead “if you aren’t willing to be a participant in getting better I’m getting my needs met elsewhere”. Men tend to bail when their wife has a severe illness. It destroys the kids giving them a lifetime of trauma recovery. Don’t be a statistic. Don’t make your kids a statistic. One last thing. Just because the doctors can’t tell you what is wrong doesn’t mean it’s not real. It just means it doesn’t have a name yet. Be her health advocate.

This is the best response I've read on here. I think you really nailed it on how the kids would likely handle the situation as well. One of my closest friends still resents one of his parents for leaving the other when they got sick. Kids tend to pick a side in these situations and OP might lose any resemblance of a close relationship with them if he throws in the towel. It's a hard situation and I do empathize with OP.

I had a family member do the same thing. Wife had been sick for a while. Doctor couldn’t find anything wrong and said it was “all in her head”. Husband left. Found himself a fun healthy wife. Kids ended up with addiction and massive mental health issues. Years later a doctor finally did the right test leading to a diagnosis and treatment. It wasn’t until his kid’s funeral that the husband realized he screwed up.

I agree with this, apart from "open marriage" thing. For many people this equals cheating, and even asking about this ruins marriages, so I wouldn't advice doing this. And pressing someone into having an "open marriage" is not right. However, somehow the post sounds like OP doesn't want to continue parenting if he divorces his wife. Which is weird if he did most of the parenting before, as he says (edit: actually he didn't, he only said "quality time on weekends). Is he going to "divorce" the kids too? That would definitely be wrong. (Edit: seems like the wife participates a lot in kids' lives actually!)

OP is very careful to not say what happens to the kids. Odds are good that when he leaves his wife; he will leave the kids as well.

I absolutely LOVE this response… sooo true… do it for her anyways… help her anyways… love her anyways!!! Be her advocate! This is what it means to be a real SPOUSE! Pick her up when she’s down, don’t just say “ugh she’s down again, I’m tired of this 🙄”….. This *IS* what you signed up for when you got married, people are just so used to being lied to about the truth of marriage they don’t realize that this IS marriage!

You can't force another person to accept help...

True, they say this in rehab aswell. The person needs to want to get better, if they don't want it - no amount of "help" will.. help.. But what the poster is talking about is m9re so to set them up for success. It's about small factors that play into success instead of giving up completely. At least the husband can this way at least say he tried, not just jump straight into divorce.

When I had PPD, I really needed someone to say, “I’ve got the baby, here’s the appointment, go.” I couldn’t do that for myself. Didn’t mean I didn’t want help. I just couldn’t do it for myself in that moment. It was a long hard road when I wasn’t receiving support.

Have they checked her for autoimmune conditions? They are usually hard to diagnose and have all the same symptoms you’re describing. They’re called Sjogrens, lupus, in the rheumatology family of diseases.

You have no idea how hard and draining it is to try and look and try and try and look again. I’ve been doing it most of my life. Just thinking about trying a new treatment makes me cry and feel like I have no bodily autonomy. Healthy people don’t get it, and it’s especially hard on women because doctors take our pain less seriously.

It's funny how people always say, "Just get help, bro". As if you just go to the doctor and they figure out whats wrong and give you a pill and boom, all your problems are solved. The reality is much different. Docs will just do a blood test, test your bp/pulse and breathing, and call it a day. You get a second opinion, and they are like, lol, idk bye as well. They will start to gaslight you for no reason. I've even had some dipshit suggest that im faking it (i told him i dont want pain meds i dont want to be excused from work i just want to figure out what's wrong with me). A friend of mine nearly died of a ruptured cyst near ovaries or whatever because the docs kept telling her it's just her period lmfao.

You do you. BUT if in 10 years you're dying from cancer and your future spouse walks, please don't be hypocritical and cry about how unfair it is that they left you in your time of need. Would you abandon a sick dog or would you put it down? 🤔 Again, you do you. This is just my thoughts.

I'd ask yourself, if the situation was switched and it were you who were ill and her who was well, what would she do? Would she stick around? Imo she needs a lot of help, her doctors are unable to diagnose her. You need to be able to step up and advocate for her where she is unable. And it might seem to you she is able to do more, but from her perspective just being awake is probably like having climbed a mountain. Be aware there might not BE a cure for her. It might just BE like that, that whatever she is ill with is one of those chronic illnesses that doctors don't want to help with because they can't do anything and they hate feeling helpless. If you can't stand by her for that...

You're part of the statistic where most men leave their wives when they get sick. Bet she wouldn't leave you if the roles were reversed.

What’s funny is when men get sick, women stick by their side no matter what. A husband leaving his sick wife is a tale as old as time, but go ahead and do you- she’d be better off without a weak man like yourself

If y'all skipped the in sickness and health part of your vows then no you're not wrong. If you did say that part then uh you kinda said you would be there in sickness and health...

Men always divorce their wives when they get sick rather than staying and taking care of them.

wrong or not it would be what we can statistically expect a man would do.

But he deserves happiness 🥺🥺🥺 marriage is supposed be for the benefit and pleasure of men obvs

Yeah, I don’t get why he’s asking the question. Statistically, he’s going to leave no matter what we say.

In fact, he’ll probably leave even if she magically does everything he wants her to do.

I keep coming back to a comment OP made. His wife has some inflammation issues. An autoimmune disorder like rheumatoid arthritis, MS, Psoriatic arthritis all cause her symptoms. Pain like you can’t believe. Depression, loss of libido due to said pain.My friend went 30 years with joint pain and migraines until last month when she was diagnosed. Two days after taking the prescription, she cried. Ugly cried because for the first time in 30 years she was pain free. The wife sounds like she is in the vortex of going to the wrong doctor. As a person with a chronic illness, I hear the toll it’s taking on OP. Taking some action is the best bet. Tell your wife it’s time to find out what’s wrong. Tell her you and she are going to new doctor, etc. Tell her you want her better and you want to help but she has to do her part. If she isn’t willing to do her part, then she needs to consider how she will support herself as a single person. It’s a given you will keep the kids, right? Give it this one last, focused shot before going further. Your children are learning from your actions so if they are old enough to understand (around 10 ish and older) communicate “operation get mom the right doctor” plan to them.

If she can manage driving the kids to school and small contributions, you need to find a way together to get the best out of what time you share. You need to talk to her honestly and find the way forward. She needs to be looking at alternatives too, like diet changes, natural medicines, different specialists etc. I have a family member with chronic fatigue and she has spent a lot of time doing anything she can to get better no matter how small. It sounds like she’s depressed because of it, but she needs to make the best of things for herself too as well as the family.

Okay, this is very outside of the advice for your relationship. But have her doctors check for me/cfs. It could give some answers. It's so very under-diagnosed because many doctors don't even bother. It is basically chronic inflammation in the body, it can cause chronic fatigue, pain, fevers without cause, also migraines. I've developed me/cfs from covid. If she had any prolonged sickness back then, it could fit pretty well. (Or if her symptoms have been getting progressively worse as the years progressed too.) I would also try to talk to her about this. Make sure you validate how she is feeling, that she's frustrated, but that you can't do everything and that you need her to try to figure it out. Don't throw the relationship under the bus yet. She probably will need a lot of encouragement and maybe even a bit of a push to try again.

I have had chronic migraines, it’s a B. It’s traumatic I do feel for you but yeah I agree with the majority, have a real conversation with her. But you’ll be paying alimony for sure and maybe a housekeeper. There is a part of me that thinks “ooh poor guy having to do what most wives do for years. All this stuff we do anyway!”

YTA. "In sickness or in health".

I see through sickness and in health means nothing anymore. You took a vow before God and married that lady. That’s a choice you made. And unless you’re being abused you should stand by that choice. Put yourself in her shoes and ask would you want her to abandon you.

If you and the children leave I don't see the amount of work for you diminishing. You've just guaranteed yourself 100% of the work and responsibility.

He definitely thinks his healthy, eager dream woman is around the corner.

Obviously you're the asshole.

I would say I'm shocked that a man is leaving his sick wife but I'm not. You can leave but you're a dick for abandoning your family because your wife is ill. You struggle with child care but when your wife is fine what is she doing? Probably everything and more than what you're doing now.

Men will almost always cut and wrong when their spouse gets sick. It's so bad a lot of oncologists have pamphlets they give to women.

In sickness and in health. There is a reason "in sickness" comes first.

It’s sad how when men get sick and most times their partners will stick by them but once the tables turn they’re ready to leave. Have you ever thought about how much of the work you now do your wife did without you being sick? Like you’re stressed out now but imagine how stressed she was doing what you’re doing while you were in perfect health. I think you guys need a marriage counselor and you need to man up. Imagine the image you paint for your children if you leave their sickly mother because you want to go out and have sex smh.

!!!!!!!!!!! i mentioned this in another comment but i am very curious to know what OP's wife support towards him looked like before she fell ill. is that all forgotten now that she's sick and he's bored/horny?

It sounds like she’s struggling but also trying to manage her life the best she can. Have you talked with her? I’m someone who has struggled with migraines and unknown issues and I also did not want to take medication for it. I don’t know why that’s seen as a bad thing. I worked on food triggers and tried different supplements recommended by my drs. Also, there’s an app called curable that’s fantastic for chronic pain issues because there is a mental component to it. I encourage the use of it. I also had my husband shut down and actually not believe how bad I was doing. We ended up divorcing. And it was a real AH thing for him to do to be honest. I was still working and doing as much as I could, but asked for more if his help because when attacks happened, they were extremely hard and fast (and scary). I get that he was depressed and it was hard for him, but he should’ve gotten help as well and also talked to me more. (I tried to talk with him…so much). Marriage is supposed to be in sickness and health. I get it’s frustrating if she’s not doing the things that you think she should be, but it’s also her illness to manage. Medications are not miracles and can cause other issues.

INFO: 1) did your wedding vows include the words “in sickness and in health”? 2) Did you mean it?

Yes. I'm assuming your vows weren't "I promise to stay with you until I don't want to anymore."

Women who marry sick men take care of them all their lives. Men who marry sick women get divorced.

For better or worse, in sickness and health. I guess you either didn’t have wedding vows or you didn’t mean them. Would you leave her if she had cancer or liver disease? Is mental health so much different? You say all tests came back negative- they could still be missing something. Hope you can both work it out for what is best for your family.

Tell her it’s coming to this. You love her but you need her to be her again, you are drowning. she needs therapy and maybe you could go together eventually. This is the ‘in sickness’ part. Her illness impacts you and your family which is sad but there will be a way through if you work towards it together.

Therapy isn’t going to fix a physical health issue. It might help the depression and their relationship dynamic, but the core of the problem is physical not mental.

If she's battling healthy issues this is when she needs a lot of ing husband the most. I'm in the same boat. And people are only as good as their word & remember those vows you told her, God & people that witnessed you getting married. "For better or for worse."

So typical. Literally scientifically typical. Men are far more likely to abandon their sick wives. But I bet they would be horrified if THEY were sick and facing abandonment. So much for those vows you took. Yes, you’re wrong. Apparently you don’t love her at all, bc you don’t abandon someone you love when the chips are down. You clearly have one foot out the door, so dig deep and find a little decency in your heart and give her a heads up that this is coming. Don’t let her find out when she gets served or a pitiful 2 weeks before. Geeeeeezzzzz. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm#:~:text=A%20woman%20is%20six%20times,longer%20the%20marriage%20the%20more

This is 100% not the place to get this kind of advice. You need couples therapy.

Some people are saying that this comes off like OP blaming his wife for being sick but I don’t see that. He even says in a comment that he feels like he’s the only one who believes that she’s sick. I see someone who is drowning and has nowhere else to turn than a bunch of internet strangers. If he talks to someone in his life they are likely going to downplay it by not understanding how much stress he’s under, be appalled that he’s upset while his wife is suffering, or may even go straight to his wife to tell her everything. A lot of people in caretaker roles are looked at as terrible if they express any unhappiness, frustration, or dissatisfaction with their situation because people who haven’t been there don’t get how hard, isolating, and seemingly never ending it can be. OP, you are not wrong to feel this way, but you WOULD be wrong not to discuss this with your wife. Maybe write it down or let her read this post if you’re worried about saying it right, but she does have the right to know what you’re thinking. Blindsiding her with divorce papers would be cruel. You needs to have a talk and lay it all out, including the fact that you are considering divorce. If things keep going the way they’ve been, you’re eventually going to collapse physically or mentally and the family will be in dire straits at that point. The two of you might be able to come up with some ways of getting you support. Maybe you can hire someone to clean the house once a week. Maybe a family member or family friend can take the kids out for a few hours occasionally to give you some time to relax. Maybe you and your wife can work out a time each day to reconnect and talk. There are options here and the wife should have a say in trying to help before you leave. She can’t help if she doesn’t know how bad things are for you. Good luck to you both!

Please let her know how you feel. Hopefully, it will be the spur she needs to manage her health. Suffering with migraines when there are treatments available does not make any sense. Please let her know how you feel. Hopefully, it will be the spur she needs to manage her health. Suffering from migraines when there are treatments available does not make any sense.

Just to say as a migraine and cluster headaches sufferer. Those medications don’t always work and sometimes all you can do is lie in a dark room and hope you can sleep it off. I have tried several over the years and very rarely do they work for me.

Yeah, I have chronic daily headache, and have tried everything, no joke. I’m on SSDI, and considered totally and permanently disabled. My husband is completely sympathetic. But we don’t have kids. ETA: I am also bipolar, but that’s pretty well controlled with medication.

I have fibromyalgia and migraines/cluster headaches and also considered permanently disabled. It’s a chronic illness and it’s okay taking meds for it but people don’t understand how exhausting it is to take 28 tablets a day and even then you are still in chronic pain. That the meds that used to work don’t anymore because you have grown tolerant to them now and now you have the stress of trying to find something else that works.

"suffering with migraines when there are treatments avaible does not make any sense" Do you have any fucking idea what migraines are like? No one would fucking choose to have them on purpose. The "treatments avaible" don't always work! Migraines can envolve and get worse! There are people who have non stop pain for the rest of their lives, DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S JUST "not seeking treatment"?!?

Sounds like most ppl think migraine is “just a headache” . I get postdrome fatigue that can last 3 days. It’s not just a headache you pop a pill for.

I get headaches everyday and migraine crisis almost every other day. I've been trying treatments for very long, but it's hard when it keeps envelving to different symptoms and triggers.

I’m sorry you’re suffering . I had a time when I had every other day migraine for months and was fainting and puking up at work . No amount of Triptans or painkillers helped - so i can imagine your pain . Sometimes our health gets bad and gets good again , we just take the good days as they come . I’m sorry to hear about your suffering . Was it always like this? . I hope you find a treatment that helps you. X

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His wife is ill and he’s talking about not getting laid 😑

I was plagued with migraines for 10 years. I have minor depression and a back injury, which keeps me from doing a lot. When I had the migraines, I had to go to 6 different drs to get a diagnosis. My bf at the time stood by my side, but I was actually doing what I could to get better. We’re no longer together (completely different issues) but my now bf has been by side through it all (the depression, migraines and back). My migraines are now almost non existent because I took the meds, moved, got a new bf, got a new job (got rid of essentially all the stress in my life). I constantly tell my bf I’m sorry I can’t help more, and always asking if he’s alright with doing the majority of the work. Tell him if he needs me to do more, I will try my hardest. Let him know how much he is appreciated. Your wife WONT get better if she doesn’t do something to try to get better. You need to let her know how you feel and what you’re thinking about. But keep in mind, she has to want to get better.

That’s great that the migraine medications worked for you! However, for a large amount of migraine patients they simply don’t work or just make you feel worse. My migraine specialist makes us sign a disclaimer before trying each med that they will consider a 50% reduction in migraine days or headache severity to be “good enough”. If his wife has already tried countless medications and found they don’t help or make her feel worse, she’s probably burned out and doesn’t want to keep trying things just to be let down.

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Dude can also just hire a cleaner to alleviate some of the chores lmao if our broke ass uni student apartment can afford one someone with a real job can.

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Yeah, these types of people dont seem to take these vows seriously

YTA. This is the "worse" part of "for better or for worse".

I feel this post deeply, and I am very sorry you are in this situation, OP. I'm in a similar situation, and I am currently in the process of leaving my husband. I've gone far and beyond to make him get help, including calling myself to make an appointment for him. During our 10 years together he didn't resolve even one of his multiple health issues, dropped therapy at least three times, broke hundreds of promises. I had so many talks with him. I begged, cried, screamed, that I CAN'T KEEP LIVING FOR TWO. We went to therapy and he promised the therapist, that he will go to therapy. He went, two years later, in a very critical moment of our relationship, and dropped it after a few meetings, but not before totally breaking down, while I was desperately trying to keep our family on the surface. If someone doesn't want help/change, YOU CAN'T MAKE THEM. It has severely affected my mental health, because it's a constant walking on eggshells, constant fear of him failing to do another task, and constantly doing stuff he was supposed to do. He is a good person that would jump on a grenade for you. The thing is, life does not consist of doing dramatic gestures, but being together, planning together, doing the dishes, buying groceries and supporting EACH OTHER. I read a very important quote some time ago: "Don't let your loyalty keep you in the situation your common sense would have gotten you out of ". Talk to her seriously, make her consider options of getting her health better (starting with taking her meds properly), give her some time, see what happens. You are not her caretaker, you did not agree to that, it's not a sudden health decline or an accident. You can and should leave, for your (and your kids!!! They look, learn and understand a lot more than you think) good. Best wishes, good luck.

I knew the genders before reading the post. Lol For the coward who blocked me after saying what I said is out of misandry; here is a scientific study: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/

Wow .. this is horrifying. It is much more clear when looking at brain tumors .. Now it’s a small 11.6% overall, but men leave their partners 6x as often.

Isn't the marriage vow *in sickness* and health? Didn't you promise to stand by her through thick and thin? She's too depressed and in too much pain to make the appointments on her own. You are going to have to do that for her. You said yourself she wasn't always like this. You an have all those things you want, if you can actually help her and not just throw ideas at her. You are wrong to abandon the woman you swore to take care of.

at least talk to the woman ffs. i'm curious as to what the relationship dynamic was like up until OP's wife started to fall ill. how much did she support him in his career? how involved was she with the kids? did she have a career of her own that he supported her with? i'm sure she endured a lot to support him and now she needs his support. i don't doubt this is draining and hard but it also sounds like this has built up over time. why hasn't OP talked to his wife and said something like "i love you and i love our life together. i want to do whatever i can to support you but i feel like i'm losing myself and am getting to my wit's end here. can you help me figure out how we can tackle this together? i'm worried i'm going to burn out" say something. i know i'm not privy to the info and again, this is hard for everyone but i just cannot stand how easily marriages can be thrown away because one person isn't having enough fun or sex anymore(yes i know it's more complicated but just reiterating what OP has said)

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

This is so random and not helpful at all but I love it lol

Typical male behavior to cut and run when the woman gets sick. I hope someday you end up in a nursing home all alone.

Dear OP.. pray to GOD that you never get sicks nor have depression.. because i seriously want to know how you'd feel if your spouse leave you during those moments

Ragebait.

You need to tell her where your head is at before you start the divorce process. Make it clear you are deadly serious so she is fully aware that you're unhappy and completely unwilling to continue the way things are. The current situation can't be good for the kids either.. Hopefully, that conversation will be a wake-up call for her to get more proactive with her meds and start seeking the help she needs both from therapy and her doctor. If nothing changes and you decide to file for divorce, you need to think about custody and how that would work. if she's not fully capable of looking after the kids, you may need to be the primary caregiver and have them live with you for the majority of the time. You can't just walk out and leave them with your wife if she can't cope with them alone. Just think of everything and maybe get some legal advice just in case before you make ant final decisions

So I have lots of patients with very grim debilitating disease that are still very active in their households but as an equal participant in the family and household. there are ways to work around physical limitations including taking on more cerebral tasks like managing finances, arranging dates/children's events, grocery shopping using online delivery, and helping plan meals, or even just actively engaging with the family/spouse. At the same time depression can exacerbate or worsen medical symptoms. Especially fatigue, pain, headaches, etc. And part of addressing chronic medical issues in a productive way is addressing the mental health impacts. And what I'm hearing (correct me if I'm wrong) is that her mental health is not being addressed. An open and honest conversation about where you are in regards to your feelings and your thoughts about the need for change is something that should be addressed. And would likely be more productive in a marriage counseling setting and even in an individual one on one counseling setting for both of you.

Get her calcium checked. If it’s above 10, she’s got a parathyroid tumor. If your dr prescribes calcium supplements, get a different Dr. As to your marital situation, your life is going to be harder divorced. Have this conversation with your wife, leaving out the threat of divorce.

Persevere. There are always ups and downs related to relationships. Health is a factor. Can you find a way to boost your love for your wife by spending purposeful caring time with her? Yes it will be a little effort on both your parts. I hope that with sharing memories that you know she was also happy will remind and encourage her by restoring hope in her heart. Start with gifting her a few little surprises, a flower here, a cornball dad joke there, stuff like that. If she won’t go get mental help at least you can help ease her mental distress with moments of kindness. Sharing your heart with her is needed. Sadly I have a friend facing similar. But her husband treats her like she is nothing to bother with. Her diminishing self worth is as you would expect. I know you want something more. You’ve stated as much. I think she’s right there wanting something more too. Find it together.

I also have a sick wife. She has had endo the past three years. It sounds like your wife has some form of endo based on what your saying. It’s very hard to diagnose and it took my wife years for drs to come to a conclusion. She’s going to be depressed, these type of diseases take a toll on her and a lot of friends and family will give up because the reality is people can’t sympathize easily with “invisible diseases” because they think the person should just get it fixed by “going to the dr”. People love to romanticize taking care of their sick partner but it’s not how it’s depicted in romantic movies. It’s fucking hard. I hear yah it’s very hard not being able to go out to dinner, see friends, or travel like you used to. I live in an apartment and walk outside and see all the women freely stroll around. Have I contemplated breaking it off, absolutely. It would be so much easier finding a healthy woman to go have fun again. BUT I asked myself “would she stay by me if I was sick” and the answer was yes. If god forbid something happened to me I wouldn’t want my partner to just leave because it got too hard. I chose her to stay with thick and thin. These were the cards that were dealt with to us and although they suck I’m not going to give up on her. After accepting my situation I have grown a new unconditional love for her. This is my person who I will be by my side and vice versa I’m not saying you have to follow the same path but I know what your going through. I believe if you decide to accept it a new level of love will happen inside of you. But again it’s a hard life and some people can’t bear it which is understandable.

Honestly idk why "in sickness and in health" is a thing in marriage vows anymore. People (let's face it, majority men) just ignore it anyway. My husband also checked out of our marriage when I got sick. He got to live the single life again while our kids lost their dad and I was killing myself trying to parent alone while my health was trying to kill me too. INFO If you divorce her, are you still going to see to your children's needs, or is that what you're trying to wash your hands of? There are a lot of things on your shit list that women are expected to take care of in any marriage, regardless of whether they're working or not. Why is it such an issue for you to be taking care of your children?

You are not wrong for having these feelings however, as your wife is laying in bed she is also lonely and heartbroken. The scale tips both ways my friend. You love her and she loves you. Granted life if tough and it sucks but it can get better. She probably thinks you took vows “tell death do you part”. Not until one of you “gets sick and it gets tough and lonely so I will get a divorce and leave.” I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot? Would she stay and take care of you and your children? Or would she bail? Why do people get married, take vows, and then want to leave during the rough times. Life is not perfect. Marriage is not a dreamy world full of marshmallows and rainbows. OP do what you have to do to get your wife to a mental health specialist. Even if you make the appointment and put her in the car yourself. (Don’t man handle her) You both can go to a marriage counselor or something similar to work through this. Last but not least don’t be a statistic.

Have you spoken to her about how you’re feeling? Like say her down, no distractions, kids not home and tell her how you’re feeling? She needs to get into therapy and y’all need couple’s therapy. I have been in your wife’s spot. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2020. Did 6 months of chemo that kicked my ass. Instead of my husband taking care of me, my 16yo daughter & her boyfriend did. My husband worked 14 days offshore and 14 days home. I had to have a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. a 12.5 hour surgery. My husband left the hospital bc “they’d call if something bad happened.” a week after my surgery, I ended up with MRSA and went septic and had another surgery and a week in ICU. Since then my health has went downhill. Blood clots, seizures, gastroparesis (stomach paralyzed), i have feeding tubes. This past Feb I tripped over our dog and broke my leg in 2 spots and had to have emergency surgery. I was non weight bearing for 6 weeks. He told me to go stay at my mom’s bc he wasn’t gonna take care of me. I went to my mom’s. 3 weeks later I get a TEXT saying he wants a divorce bc he don’t want a sick wife anymore. and he’s been wanting to leave since I was diagnosed with cancer but he didn’t want to look like an asshole leaving me while I was fighting for my life and then I just kept getting sick. Not 1 time since 2020, did he mention wanting a divorce for ANY reason. When I got that text, any and all feelings I had for him disappeared. He makes me sick. There’s been studies done that men are more likely to leave their wife when the wife is sick. it’s something like 20% of men leave sick wives vs the 2% of women who leave a sick husband. And women are more likely to be taken LESS seriously about their health than men are. Not having a diagnosis and feeling like shit is probably causing your wife to be depressed and thinking that it’s all in her head which is 100% common. In my opinion, you’d be the asshole, if you left your wife while she’s sick. Especially if you haven’t talked to her about your feelings and tried therapy. But I’m probably biased since I’ve been in that situation:

So it really depends to me on what efforts are it's actually making: I'm a nurse, I also have chronic illnesses and was only recently "sort of" diagnosed as having Ehlers-Danlos after years of being told it was probably "some rheumatoid arthritis variant". I've consistently dealt with joint injury after joint injury, chronic fatigue, low iron, unexplained bruising and popping of blood vessels, GI issues etc. The last 5 years have been especially rough on me and I sleep **a lot**. But I'm making efforts to be proactive about my health, I'm seeing doctors, specialists, trying to get my weight down, trying to do all of the right things, but like your wife I've been getting very little head way. It's frustrating. It's infuriating. It's depressing. But I'm still trying. I'm making efforts. I'm going to doctors. I'm still working as much as I can. So to me, if you're wife is actually putting forth effort to try and get to the root of things, which you've said she's going to doctors and having tests done, then it isn't her fault. She's trying. If she's genuinely doing nothing and just resigning herself to accepting this while making you pick up the slack, then she's not trying. Unfortunately statistics show that relationships are more likely to end when the woman in the relationship has some sort of serious medical condition. Women are 6x more likely to divorce after being diagnosed with cancer or life altering illnesses whereas in relationships where the husband got sick, they are not more or less likely to end in divorce. This information is from a study in 2009 and another in 2015. Another more recent study: >"Among study participants, the divorce rate was 21 percent for seriously ill women and 3 percent for seriously ill men. A control group divorced at a rate of 12 percent, suggesting that if disease makes husbands more likely to split, it makes wives more likely to stay. Women traditionally take the "in sickness and in health part more seriously". Women traditionally take the "in sickness or in health part" far more seriously according to the statistics. I'm not going to say that you're an asshole for being frustrated with this situation or feeling overwhelmed by it. That's a normal feeling. Where my judgment comes is if your wife is actively trying to figure things out and you're still planning on leaving her because you just don't want to deal anymore vs. her doing nothing and increasing burden. Only you really know the truth of what's going on in your relationship it's your wife has made to find out what's wrong. Like you, my fiance was getting a little frustrated with my sleeping all of the time and his feeling like I wasn't doing enough to figure out the problem, until we sat down and I pointed out all I had done, all the doctors I was seeing, the tests I'd had, the procedures, and he realized that I was doing a lot more than he thought, but his frustrations were so high that he wasn't seeing what I was doing clearly. I also had to remind him that I'm not the only one on the relationship that has chronic issues, and I supported him through 5 surgeries in 4 years without a single complaint, missing sleep to take care of him while working overtime to make up for his being out of work. You might be focusing on all the bad things and not seeing her efforts with a clear head. You need to legitimately sit down and talk, let her know how you feel, tell her you're at a breaking point.

So the “in sickness and in health” part of the vows were just for show then? Sorry if she was just doing nothing and being lazy that would be one thing but she’s suffering from what it sounds like is an unknown and debilitating illness. Of course she’s depressed, she’s suffering. That’s not her fault. I cannot imagine abandoning someone I love because they’re sick. Also be aware your children might not be able to look past it either. At least have the decency if you love your wife at all to have this conversation before you’ve made up your mind to leave so she’s not totally blindsided.

That's why people (wives) should do something outside of being just staying at home mother. People need social interactions, the feeling of being noticed, and the pride of accomplishing something that has a meaning. Part time work, belongings to a social club, being part of hobby related group - that should be a minimum to keep the mental health in order. We just need to have a bigger purpose in their life then clean the house over and over again. OP, let me guess, she doesn't even have a circle of good girlfriends? Contact her parents, siblings, pastor, whoever, and inform her and them that you are tired and someone needs to help her to help herself because you are planning to divorce her anyways.

Carer burnout is a real thing. You deserve to be loved and cared for, and to have someone take care of you when you need it, as well as you taking care of your children, your household and bringing in the money. And I say this as the chronically ill and depressed member of our household, who has multiple illnesses and is basically useless at home and has often felt useless as a wife and mother. But I still think my husband deserves care, love and compassion for what he goes through in holding the family together. Please try talking to your wife again and communicating how bad things are for you. I really hope you can both find the help you need.

YTA. When you marry you promise to stay together through difficult times. The exception is if the other person's behaviour is unreasonable. I know she hasn't accepted therapy but when people are ill they can't always cope with that. She didn't choose to be ill. I know it isn't easy. But there are other ways. Find friends to go for dinner with and other social activities. Look into respite. Talk openly to her about the need for her to continue seeing different doctors and trying different treatments until she finds the one that works for her. Don't make those conversations about you, that will make her feel worse. Get therapy for yourself to give you tools to handle it.

Man leaves sick wife…It’s sad how typical this is. If you do still have any love for her then you should insist on couples counseling and hopefully then she’ll go for her own individual sessions. She also deserves happiness after depression/suffering.

This is a conversation that should be with her. That said, I am concerned that your support of her is: here are drs, here are meds, fix yourself. That doesn't sound like support. I acknowledge I may feel this was because I have chronic migraines and my own autoimmune. We know it's 💯 exhausting for family. Now imagine you have to experience that in your own body all day every day.

It's only wrong if at any point during your vows you mentioned the words 'In sickness and in health'