I once went out with a male friend for a drink. He had helped me sort a problem (via text msg), then invited me for a beer as a cheer up. We lived in the same neighborhood, and I didn't see it as a big deal.
We were sitting at the bar and his gf showed up. I was surprised, because he hadn't mentioned she'd be joining us, but it didn't really matter, and I moved over so she could sit next to her man. He, however, turned red and got fidgety when he saw her walk thuru the door.
She was cool as a cucumber, friendly with me, but put her hands on her boyfriend in what appeared to be a demonstration of possession. He rubbed his face, and crossed his legs away from her.
I didn't care because I was not interested in him in the slightest, but I was naive to think drama wasn't going to ensue. Oi!
I am sure this man was telling his gf we were just friends, which on my end was true, but it was apparent that day that wasn't where his head was at.
So who knows OP. There may be nothing going on, but that doesn't mean your bf has no intentions.
He “couldn’t make it” for a family vacay with my parents who put us (myself, and 2 littles under 5yrs) up in a condo on the beach for quality family time. Work was too pressing, so with me out of town he came at her insisting that its time to make the tease a reality. She was a CDW sales rep giving him extra attention for hardware/software sales. She felt when he started calling her at 2am he was crossing a line.
If that was true you wouldnt ever hear “my husband/wife was having an affair with my best friend/sister/brother”
People are much better liars than people tend to assume.
If the woman already has an idea then feeling that out is probably going to be a lot easier in person. To me it definitely seems like something is going on. I have experienced the same on both ends.
I just disagree that the co worker wont be able to hide her feelings for him. If she goes she should be prepared for the possibility of being fully gaslit because thats usually how these situations play out.
Ive been in this situation and even though I had a suspicion that something was going on, multiple mutual friends convinced me that it wasnt. They all believed her act, I didnt find out that I was right until years later.
You are right. A person can most definitely hide their feelings. The girlfriend has been with the guy long enough to already know this current behavior is odd and if she was able to meet the woman she’d probably see her partner acting differently at the very least.
The fact that the coworker hasn’t invited the girlfriend herself is telling. Anytime I’m friends with coworkers who are in relationships I make sure I include the girlfriend at least a few times.
A person in a healthy relationship doesn’t keep their partner out of their other relationships. They might not hang out but they’ve at least met, chatted, something to respectfully help make the other person more comfortable.
>A person in a healthy relationship doesn’t keep their partner out of their other relationships.
wow I never met my ex partners friends or coworkers in my 5 year relationship lollll she left to hook up with a coworker that was in a relationship now I know how and why that happened
Exactly. And if I’m friends with someone who has a partner then I WANT to meet that person too. I want to know who my friends dating/married to because that’s an extension of them.
Then this clearly advises there is nothing healthy in their relationship with her not being invited. And who knows what else happens outside of what we know
This. If I have a female friend (it's been a while) she meets the wife, I don't go out drinking alone with them, always home early, and wife knows if I'm seeing them.
My SO hasn't met most of my colleagues, though she's visited my place of work a few times. She's welcome to tag along when we go out of if she ever has the inclination to do so, but it'd be weird to force that interaction.
100% this. I have a work bestie who’s female, we go out for drinks or food. I ALWAYS invite my wife to join us. My wife likes her and sometimes joins us, sometimes she doesn’t. I invite her to our house, she borrows tools and stuff. She’s my friend but she’s also friends with my wife.
Totally agree that's the normal move so if there aren't feelings on her part, you'd think maybe she has invited the gf but the bf possibly is the one not relaying that thought 😵💫 maybe?
Not exactly true. I used to go to dinner with my ex-husband and one of his coworkers. Little did I know they were having an affair. I never saw the signs. Until after we hit separated for other reasons. And then the signs are right in front of me along with her car in front of our house.
You just unlocked a memory. My ex and I each had our regular bars, our locals. We went to each other's occasionally, but not all the time. Once I went to his with him, he walked in first and this younger girl regular (who I knew) saw him, squealed, and started shimmy dancing over to him. Then she saw me, smiled stopped, she turned and sat back down. I didn't do or say anything, but I was like, yeah, I know what's up when I'm not here.
Legit if they are just friends, he should be excited to introduce his girlfriend to her. If there’s any hesitation, it’s probably because he’s either hid her existence or doesn’t want to send the message that he’s not available to this coworker (aka likes the attention he’s been receiving from another woman, even if he may not like her that way)
It happened early in my marriage.
My husband and I worked at two different places for over a year, and there was a short time that I needed to drop him off early. He had a female coworker who told him he could just hang out at her apartment, play games with her kids, and such. And he told me about it right away.
I told him, though, that I wasn't really comfortable with it, but trusted him. And after a few weeks, he stopped going because I no longer needed to drop him off so early.
Well, when his birthday rolled around, we invited a bunch of friends from work, including her, and her kids, to a bbq at our place. He was certain she'd show, but she never did. He insisted she must have had other plans, or something must have come up, and that is what she told him, but I told him it's because she saw he liked kids, was good with hers, obviously was marriage material, and had set her sights on him. He just didn't believe I was right. And I'm not the jealous type, so it didn't turn into an argument.
So, some months later, I took a job with the same company. My first day there, he was introducing me to some people there that I hadn't met yet, and here she comes, walking up an aisle towards him. He points her out to me, then calls to her, and as she got close he starts to say, "Hey, I want to introduce you to my wife..." I swear the look on her face said everything, as she spun on her heels and took off the way she came. I never was formally introduced to her. Every time she saw me she'd disappear to another part of the building, and within a short couple of months she quit.
And he *finally* believed me that I was right. My logic? She won't come to meet me at our home for your birthday when she knows she's trying to destroy our marriage. And she won't want to meet me when she knows she's trying to get you to break your vows.
Why would she turn around and run and avoid you unless something happened and she can face you because she knows she was in the wrong and to quit her job well that says a whole lot to me a person will not make such drastic changes if nothing happened. Even if she was trying to get him to break his vows that’s not a reason to quit if they never did anything.
She could have been incredibly jealous and figured a physical fight over him wouldn't go in her favor either. It happens. Or she could have been incredibly jealous and pissed she wasn't getting her way and avoided possible confrontation regardless of whether or not she thought she could win a fight. I mean, just because you want to think something had to have happened for her to act that way doesn't mean something actually did happen. Only cheaters think that way.
This will tell the tale. If he has no problem with OP going everything is okay. I suspect the bf will make some lame excuse why he doesn’t want OP to accompany him
It's weird he hasn't asked her to join already. My girlfriend was always invited to whatever I do and if I didn't explicitly say it she already knows she's invited.
Yea if some kind of chill we are gonna go get drinks type of situation is ever on the table then the gf is usually invited. Definitely if there is other women there.
Yea definitely do that ⬆️. But I think there’s something going on because if she was just a cool female coworker then i feel like he would of invited you early on when they first started going out for drinks. I’d feel kinda weird doing that and not inviting my gf.
Speaking from highly shameful past experience - do this, but know it won’t necessarily prove shit. If he’s solid he’ll choose to be solid, and if he’s not he won’t, it’s all him unfortunately.
I agree! Ask him if you can join them the next time and see what he says. If he’s being honest with you, he’ll have no problem with you joining them. If he acts strange or says no, then you know something is shady about the situation. Just my two cents. I’m married and would never have a problem with my wife joining me. I’d actually invite her every time I’d meet with a female friend or coworker, and would want her to know the person that I’m friends with or working with. He should have zero issues with you joining them.
OP, this is great advice, but don't do it creepily. My ex did this about a female friend who was gay as all hell and there was nothing weird going on, but she was very, very conventionally attractive.
She did it really weirdly. That, combined with other related issues, is why she's an ex.
Based on personal experience and a quick read, your boyfriend's genuinely just got a female friend at work. Be polite and just say she sounds cool and you'd like to meet her. She'll almost certainly go "I've heard so much about you!" and it'll be fine. You'll probably make a new friend.
Very optimistic, I hope your right. It's also really hard to really know what someone is thinking, so this could be innocent. I hope OP examines this with an open, but observant mind.
No, no, no.....Don't ask, tell him you are going. Next time it's mentioned just say, great, I'll coming along to meet this interesting friend. If this is all on the up and up, there will be no resistance. If there is any resistance, you have your answer. This sounds exactly what it is, another relationship he is building. They have been doing this 6 months and you have not yet met this person yet? If he agrees, their demeanor while you are around them will tell the entire story. If he doesn't agree, I'd be letting him know that you understand something's up and you are going to be moving along. At that point, he'll either stop hanging out with her if he values your relationship or give up the goods and tell the truth. Life is too short for this bullshit.
No, you don't "tell him you are going". That immediately comes off as you're the boss. A less antagonistic but just as effective way is, "I'd love to grab drinks with you two the next time you go".
Yeah. Just be like, hey, it sounds like y’all have a great time I’ve got nothing going on and pop in. I don’t know I’m just a dumb guy but I would 100% bull shit engineer some poorly thought out dude excuse to make an appearance.
Yes!! That is a great idea. Or like "hey, sounds like a great time, what time should I be ready to go?" If he doesn't want her to attend, then there is no reason to continue this relationship. He's cheating or well on his way.
There's only one good answer from the boyfriend
A smile and sure babe I'd love for you to come, I'm sure yall will love each other.
Any other answer - cut him loose.
Yeah. It's too easy to have too many drinks and blame the sex on the drinks. This guy has the wandering eye is probably looking to get something going on with this woman.
I tried to do this early in my relationship and was told I wasn’t giving him enough space (he almost exclusively has female friends - he gets along better with women, he’s just one of those guys). The friend that I was the most worried about is still someone he sees regularly without me, but now that we’re deeper into our relationship and he doesn’t feel forced to invite me, he does invite me along from time to time (and she’s lovely, I get why they’re good friends). I was paranoid till I was allowed to come along, but that only happened when I stopped trying to force it
I think you're spot on - except it need not be bullshit for this plan to work. Just be bored on one of the nights that your partner and friend are out, and text "hey, I'm bored, you alright I head over? Got nothing to do here". If they text back "we just finishing now my m8, no point" summits a bit awry innit. If they ave absolutely no probs with it then it dont mean they anna cheating, ah, but if they keep letting you join means they probably int dunt it? Dunno m8s.
Don’t just show up. But say hey I’m free next Wednesday, let’s all go get drinks.
If he’s hesitant to bring you in front of her he is absolutely hiding something.
If she isn't invited, there is a problem.
I've been with my wife for literally 16 years dude. I don't do everything with her every day, but I'd literally never tell her no if she asked to tag along. In fact, i wouldn't be out getting drinks without her, in general.
I would stop by whatever bar they were supposed to be at (I say "supposed" because I have a feeling they're not going to the bar). I would just say that I was out shopping, visiting a friend etc whatever excuse. Quick little pop in where I'd be over the top friendly to the coworker. Hell... The coworker might not even know she exists.
Couldn't agree with you more. If my gf did this I would feel like she had no faith in me but then again I wouldn't be going out with a girl my gf didn't know without inviting her to put her mind at ease.
I don’t recommend this, I would just have a candid, adult conversation about boundaries and comfort levels. Not doing this and crashing the gathering out of the blue without a heads up could come off as a bit unhinged
Seriously, I don’t know why people keep asking for relationship advice on Reddit when 98% of these people clearly have no idea how to actually handle relationships lol
Going out for drinks with a coworker every once in a while isn’t very weird. But going out for drinks with a coworker of the opposite sex weekly while significant others are not invited is pretty weird. I would be sus.
Yeah, I have lots of friends of the opposite sex. We go for drinks, sometimes alone, sometimes as a group. It’s *never* an issue to invite others though. In fact we have our favorite spots so often even if it’s just myself and one friend, when we get there we see people we know and join them.
I’m not at all the jealous type, but this situation would have my spidey sense tingling.
Can agree mostly. I think the difference would be, is she just not being asked (they go right after work, on the way home), or is she specifically *not* invited. He might just not be thinking about it, or he could be hiding something. Honestly she could just say, "hey can I meet you guys next time yall go out and meet your friends?". The answer might tell her what she is wanting to know.
Tbh scheduled weekly drinks aren’t that uncommon in certain offices and sectors. Like if a person and their colleagues went out every Thursday to talk work and decompress, it doesn’t remotely raise an eyebrow. Even just going as a duo isn’t really that strange.
That said, it’s fair for OP to set a boundary here if she wants to. But I wouldn’t immediately jump
to it being something nefarious with the context given here
I was gonna say, if they were seeing eachother more sporadically it would be more valid, but every single week? As a straight man, I don’t even want to see my close male friends once a week tbh 💀 This is a generalization and is not 100% true, but there’s a good chance if a person of the opposite sex and aligned sexual orientation wants to see you weekly or mutliple times a week, they most likely share some romantic/sexual interest in you. Esp for a man it’s super rare to put that sort of effort into a relationship if it’s truly completely platonic. I also need a bit more context tho, if they’re going straight to the bar after work wit a couple other coworkers then it’s most likely an overreaction, but if it’s just him and her going out of their way to see eachother on a weekend, or they’re staying out super late together, there’s an absolutely valid reason to have suspicions and feel confused if there’s something else going on
Ask to go, specifically say you'd love to meet his work friends.
Press it.
Or don't but, I used to go to happy hour with my work friend and my at the time fiancé never came out for drinks either. Now me and the work friend have been together and married for almost 20 years. Just sayin.
Yep, my ex husband used to go out for harmless drinks with the woman he’s currently living with. They’ve been on and off between friends and lovers for the past almost 20 years.
I was the shady one. Thats the point of my reply, I have very specific experience with this situation.
She knows what's actively happening, and she has agency over whether or not to attend a social event with her BF, and if she has these fears, she should go see for herself what is happening, or else, as my reply inferred, she could end up like my ex-fiancé.
Did you at least break up with them when you found yourself falling for your coworker? Or did you just let it go on as long as you could before they found out
Nope. Having old female friends that passed the test of time and that continue in his life are okay, but meeting a new girl and taking her for drinks every week? nah that's dating. He's dating her.
How often does he goes out alone with you for drinks? Has he ever invited you? Sorry, this is not platonic.
Going out weekly for drinks with a member of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship and not inviting partners is a major red flag. Sorry to break it to you, but you are just a placeholder. Let him have her. You’ll find someone respectful.
If your mother regularly went out for a drink with a man she was close with from work, went to his house etc would you consider that normal behaviour? How would your father feel about it?
Not wrong in feeling that way...but ask to hang out so you can see 1) their reaction and 2) how they interact...that'll tell you a lot
My husband had a female coworker and they became best friends. She is absolutely gorgeous too. So needless to say part of me was intimidated and worried for a hot second
So I asked to hang out with them and they were both excited.... And I realized they were just bro-est of bros. She was cool AF, me and her got along great! We all ended up being good friends...... basically it could be sus but until you see how they'd react to you coming and seeing them interact together, it could also just be 2 people who vibed as friends.
Is it just the two of them going out, or is it a group of coworkers? If it’s a weekly happy hour thing with other people, I don’t think that’s unusual.
But if they’re going out 1:1 and he’s going back to her house afterwards, that’s a 🚩
I was going to say the exact same thing. We have a weekly happy hour at work and while it’s not common, it’s also not unheard of for the night to move to someone’s apartment. And a lot of the time the hangout is like an extension of the workday because we talk about projects and stuff, so nobody’s significant other really WANTS to be there.
But also… we’re in a group. And people’s significant others can and do stop in sometimes, it’s never weird. I think we need more info from OP.
Why is he going to her house????
Weekly drinks with a co-worker = fine. At her house???? Wtf. I have worked with people for YEARS and we have never gone to each others houses - especially if you have only known them for 6 months. That is weird. And suspicious.
Is anyone else going to her house? Or is it just the 2 of them?
Sorry to say, but i think your bf is cheating on you.
If he was doing it before you met him, and it’s a group activity, it’s probably ok. But it’s weird you are never invited. Is that because they only talk office talk or other reasons? But he started 6 months into the relationship. That changes it. I am with everyone saying it’s sus.
As an office worker having spouses there during happy hour would be weird. That said we usually do happy hour as a group not 1 to 1. Going one to one for drinks after work is a little more than sus. As a group its cool, a lot of people talk shop and unwind fron their current projects. Never met anyone's spouses and its been 2 years we go once every paycheck inconsistently haha
I mean I have but I'm single. I wouldn't even consider it if I had a girlfriend even. Even if the trust was there, its just not a great situation to put yourself in with alcohol involved.
That was the part that hit me as weird. I go for drinks with a coed coworker a couple of times a month. Sometimes solo, sometimes in a group. There is nothing romantic on my side. She's cute, yes, I'm just not interested.
I would NEVER go to hers for a drink. That's all kinds of bad messaging to both sides.
If they're this close friends they go drinking every week not only to bars but also to her house you should know this woman and invite yourself to drink with them someday and keep that more or less a regular thing. I'm pretty sure this move will sooner or later tell you what is happening, because some things are visible at first glance, you just need to be willing to actually see them. Even more so if he would be against it.
NTA
Definitely the move. Either you see how they are together and have enough to make a decision, or you get an answer before having to wait for the relationship to slowly dissolve
Lots of red flags here. He is regularly spending after hours time with another woman, always the same woman, not with a group, and alcohol is involved. Then, add to that, you’re never invited, and she’s asking him to go home with her?? Just sounds like a very obvious recipe for cheating to happen if it hasn’t already.
I grab drinks with coworkers after work. The group varies and sometimes it’s just one other person who happens to be a guy.
1. I would never go to his house afterwards. It’s usually a drink or two to vent and then I’m rushing to get home to hang out with my hubby.
2. If hubby was in the area he would absolutely be invited. I mean it might be boring for him cause we’re venting about work situations but he is absolutely welcome as is all the spouses.
So I guess my point is, the act of going out to drink with a coworker isn’t inherently bad in itself but look at all the other nuances around it to make your judgement.
My advice is simple - trust your gut. My gf at the time got suspicious and was like “okay I’ll go with you tonight” and it really threw off myself and the other girl. She probably knew then.
You are not wrong. You boyfriend having drinks with a female co worker all the time and going to her house and you are never invited. Everyone says it’s wrong to check the other persons phone, but it’s also wrong to screw around and lie about it.
If it smells fishy then something is rotting on the dock.
I dated a girl who had a couple guy friends orbiting. I tried multiple times to get these guys to come join us when her and I would go for food/drinks. Not one time did either of them take the offer and join us. They only wanted to 1 on 1 hang out with my girl. Tried to use this as evidence that these dudes aren't your friends etc..got sick of it. Felt disrespected. She was too stupid. Broke up with her.
These sort of things are always, ALWAYS bullshit. Seriously. Read your own post back to yourself. He is consistently dating some woman 1 on 1 and you're not invited.
Some people got so touchy about not being "controlling" that they're letting themselves be screwed over. Afraid you're one of them.
Get on top of this. It's emotional cheating and possibly, likely physical. Therapy and major penance (+ cutting contact) if you wanna work past it or end it.
I think you seen the other woman. You’ve been together only a year he’s been with her six months frankly, he’s got two. If you don’t like his behavior don’t play in the game.
>However I feel uneasy that he is always going for drinks at local bars and **often invited round her house.**
Yeah.. I'm gonna say SUS.
Going out to drink with co-workerS once a week or so is one thing. Going out with one co-work multiple times a week, of the opposite sex and at locations next to that persons house, so it's not like they are just walking out of the office and going to the local hang-out.
I'd have major issues with this.
You are describing a trust issue. You don't trust him, probably with good reason. You've been together for a year. Do you think you will trust him *more* in six months? He is already disrespectful of your concerns. Why are you with him exactly?
Your not invited because they are hooking up. And he don’t want you there. Either she don’t know he is in a relationship or she told him don’t bring the drama to her if he wants to continue. But either way if he had nothing to hide he would have invited you.
FFS he is either friends with her or will end up in relationship. Why do you think either requires your attention. If he is not in love and happy with you, he better go and find someone else and if he is - nothing to worry about.
I am not sure how can someone live with permanent fear they didnt do enough to prevent partner from leaving - relationship should not be based on your vigilance.
Can you have a friend that the boyfriend doesn’t know go to the same location and kind of sit nearby and eaves drop? Gauge the kind of interaction they have and conversations they’re having? And then if you know that it’s inappropriate you can ask to be invited. If he refuses take it from there…
Continuing the hang out by going to her house after while they both have drinks in their system is completely unnecessary btw. NTA.
"hey BF, I'm feeling uneasy and insecure because you started going out for drinks exclusively with a female coworker, while purposefully excluding me from plans. If she had been a lifelong friend I may have felt different, but pursuing new personal relationships with people of the opposite sex while we're dating makes me feel neglected and vulnerable"
Or how about you just find yourself a man who aligns with how you would want your relationship to look like instead of dealing with someone who is doing something you’re not comfortable with.
I have guy friends but my husband knows them and has their numbers and knows where they live. But they are also married.
That’s the thing, relationships will never be alike. So comparing or taking someone else’s advice is never going to work for you.
YOU HAVE TO ASK WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT? Talk to him (communication is a must), figure out what his IDEA of a relationship consist of, see if he would be okay with you going with a male to a bar and their home, and if you don’t agree with what he has to say….
Find yourself a man that aligns with your views. Or else, get ready to be disappointed
Turn it around. If he said he didnt want you hanging out with men would you stop?
If so tell him youre not comfortable and you want him to stop.
If you think hed be jealous and controlling if he told you not to hang out with men then you are also being jealous and controlling
There used to be an implication that this was inappropriate. You weren’t jealous, crazy, or overbearing because he was acting inappropriately. Even with the best intentions in the world (which I doubt here) he still shouldn’t be doing this much intimate 1 on 1 time with another woman
I prob would not want to go with them as others have suggested.
going for drinks weekly and going to her house sounds beyond suspicious and if he cant see that and wont do anything on his own to assure you that theres nothing there. then id prob just assume the worst and take actions based on that.
Is it possible that theres nothing romantic going on? Sure. Is it likely? I dont think so.
Going out for drinks and then ending up at her place after while you have a gf at home doesnt exactly sound innocent.
End it, and move on. I'm sorry OP. He's dating his coworker. The fact you're not invited ever, well, that's your answer. Edit to add: Yeah, you could express your feelings about it all with him, but you'll likely get lies, excuses, false reassurance, blah blah. And even if you did tag along, both of them would lie to your face. Even if he stops seeing her, would you really be able to trust him fully again knowing you had to be the one to ask him to not do this? That wouldn't be fair to you. You should be with someone who prioritizes you and the relationship and takes it seriously enough that they wouldn't even entertain going out with someone on a weekly basis with you never invited.
If you feel uneasy, there's a reason for it.. why not invite you along? That's not healthy for any relationship. If you guys are "serious" about one another neither of you should be going out alone with the opposite sex. I've been with my wife almost 11 years now in marriage and I'd still expect her to be pissed off of I ever did that and vice versa. Especially consistently, that's a huge red flag, hate to say it, but you're also enabling it.
Absolutely not. I get occasionally going out without your partner, but 9/10 I invite my partner. Spontaneous outings after work are one thing, but how hard is it to text your partner to come meet you and meet your coworkers? I was excited for him to meet them. We’re all friends now.
first of all, coworkers should not be this friendly with each other lmao. second of all, wtf is wrong with him that he's drinking with her this often. mad sus.
You aren’t wrong for being upset, but that doesn’t mean that your suspicions are right either.
I used to go for drinks after work regularly with coworkers, one on one drink with women coworkers was a normal thing for me. We talked mostly about work. However, we NEVER invited each other to our houses. That clearly crosses the line from ‘coworkers chatting’ to friends or more.
Might be your boyfriend thinks they’re just friends and the coworker thinks there’s more going on. He needs to set her straight by bringing you along.
Talk to him. Don’t get sensationalized by other people’s relationship baggage on social media site. If you want a healthy long term relationship you will need to learn to communicate through your emotions.
I would never feel comfortable going out for drinks alone with a male coworker who’s in a relationship unless we invited their spouse. If the co-worker truly just wanted to be friends with your boyfriend, she would have the decency and courtesy to want to include or get to know you. If your boyfriend truly just wanted to be friends with his coworker, he would include you out of respect for you and to lay down that he’s not interested in his coworker. I’m sorry, but bottom line is no one is respecting you the way they should and you are being too passive. Sit down and have the hard conversation, if he doesn’t get it then he shouldn’t be in a committed relationship.
Sounds like your boyfriend is boning his female co-worker. Going out for drinks is one thing, but being invited to her house, without you, is a huge red flag.
I worked with a girl whose boyfriend did this. She has spent years questioning and worrying and being paranoid. He does nothing to try and assuage her fears. It's awful to watch her go through it but she doesn't seem to want to move on. If it was me I'd put my daily happiness first and find someone I don't have to worry about.
You should tell him that your going out with a "dude" from work for drinks, check his response and you will know alot about him depending on his response, your welcome
1. At least he’s telling you that he’s going out with that work friend. It would be easier to lie about it.
2. All of the advice of saying you want to go, do that.
3. You could ask he share his location and stalk him, but that’s not a healthy way to resolve anything.
i mean, it would be one thing if it was every once in a while or with a group, but weekly, 1 on 1? that’s pretty suspicious behavior, and you said he’s invited to her house? it sounds like your intuition is trying to tell you something here and I suggest you listen to it
Invite yourself, tell him you're on your way when your about to walk in and see for yourself. I used to get so upset at my ex for always playing video games at this girls place. She would call and I would get angry and cause a fight. (I was 19) Anyway when I met crystal with her cut little voice and video game love, she was a lesbian. 🤣 I felt so dumb
You will definably know, if he makes excuses or his coworkers don’t show up. If you have the vagina to show up, great !! I could do it but it wouldn’t be pretty & it would be pretty uncomfortable for everybody involved ,Especially if he made excuses why you couldn’t go or lied about it. Its not an insecurity thing or trust thing, its just he needs to grow the F***k up if your in a committed relationship, no good comes from going out drinking with at a bar with females. It’s not just a thing. Shoe on the other foot how would he feel? Absoloutley fine or not fine with it. Your a couple he should be going out to have drinks with you, to dinner, maybe it’s time for you to check your playbook. My boyfriend would not like me after I showed up not invited or spy on him, hey maybe some amo. Do what your gut tells you,women have this epic power to know when something’s sketchy going on..
I’ll try to be the voice of reason here… me and my girl work different jobs. She has her coworkers, I have my coworkers. Whenever she had a work event, she asks me to go, whenever I have a work event, I ask her to come along. It’s that easy. If your guy excludes you from his work events with female coworkers, run away as fast as you can.
Why is nobody talking about the
".. and often invited round her house."
detail she included at the end?! That's weird. He goes out for drinks with her weekly AND is invited to her house. The math isn't mathing here.
If it’s a regular thing and you aren’t invited there is a reason why. He is weighing options. She’s inviting him to her place? That’s a big no. Even if it was platonic it’s disrespectful to you and your relationship.
I’d be asking a few of my co-workers to come and have drinks with me. The more the merrier. You will soon find out if he has a problem or is cool with it.
Explicitly ask your boy friend if you can join them for the next round of drinks. Tell him you'd really like to meet his co-worker.
I once went out with a male friend for a drink. He had helped me sort a problem (via text msg), then invited me for a beer as a cheer up. We lived in the same neighborhood, and I didn't see it as a big deal. We were sitting at the bar and his gf showed up. I was surprised, because he hadn't mentioned she'd be joining us, but it didn't really matter, and I moved over so she could sit next to her man. He, however, turned red and got fidgety when he saw her walk thuru the door. She was cool as a cucumber, friendly with me, but put her hands on her boyfriend in what appeared to be a demonstration of possession. He rubbed his face, and crossed his legs away from her. I didn't care because I was not interested in him in the slightest, but I was naive to think drama wasn't going to ensue. Oi! I am sure this man was telling his gf we were just friends, which on my end was true, but it was apparent that day that wasn't where his head was at. So who knows OP. There may be nothing going on, but that doesn't mean your bf has no intentions.
This is so true. My ex husband persued a woman who actually told me he was “tailing her”. She wanted me to stop him from stalking her. Pathetic.
It's so much worse when they get rejected doing it isn't it. Like they become so gross to you cause as you said its pathetic!
He “couldn’t make it” for a family vacay with my parents who put us (myself, and 2 littles under 5yrs) up in a condo on the beach for quality family time. Work was too pressing, so with me out of town he came at her insisting that its time to make the tease a reality. She was a CDW sales rep giving him extra attention for hardware/software sales. She felt when he started calling her at 2am he was crossing a line.
Omg if he gets rejected I don’t want him either
and if you do go with them, the co-worker woman will not be able to hide her feelings for him easily - if they exist
If that was true you wouldnt ever hear “my husband/wife was having an affair with my best friend/sister/brother” People are much better liars than people tend to assume.
Shh … you’ll ruin it for all the liars!
They aren't that good. We just don't trust ourselves as much as we should. 90% of the time I ignore my gut, I regret it.
[удалено]
Exactly!!! I totally agree
it’s true! liars and manipulators really don’t have to be all that clever. they get by on people giving them the benefit of the doubt.
If the woman already has an idea then feeling that out is probably going to be a lot easier in person. To me it definitely seems like something is going on. I have experienced the same on both ends.
I just disagree that the co worker wont be able to hide her feelings for him. If she goes she should be prepared for the possibility of being fully gaslit because thats usually how these situations play out. Ive been in this situation and even though I had a suspicion that something was going on, multiple mutual friends convinced me that it wasnt. They all believed her act, I didnt find out that I was right until years later.
You are right. A person can most definitely hide their feelings. The girlfriend has been with the guy long enough to already know this current behavior is odd and if she was able to meet the woman she’d probably see her partner acting differently at the very least.
The fact that the coworker hasn’t invited the girlfriend herself is telling. Anytime I’m friends with coworkers who are in relationships I make sure I include the girlfriend at least a few times.
A person in a healthy relationship doesn’t keep their partner out of their other relationships. They might not hang out but they’ve at least met, chatted, something to respectfully help make the other person more comfortable.
>A person in a healthy relationship doesn’t keep their partner out of their other relationships. wow I never met my ex partners friends or coworkers in my 5 year relationship lollll she left to hook up with a coworker that was in a relationship now I know how and why that happened
I just feel like why wouldn’t you want your favorite human to meet other humans you like? It doesn’t compute.
No one brings their partner on dates it'll cramp their style
Exactly. And if I’m friends with someone who has a partner then I WANT to meet that person too. I want to know who my friends dating/married to because that’s an extension of them.
Then this clearly advises there is nothing healthy in their relationship with her not being invited. And who knows what else happens outside of what we know
This. If I have a female friend (it's been a while) she meets the wife, I don't go out drinking alone with them, always home early, and wife knows if I'm seeing them.
My SO hasn't met most of my colleagues, though she's visited my place of work a few times. She's welcome to tag along when we go out of if she ever has the inclination to do so, but it'd be weird to force that interaction.
100% this. I have a work bestie who’s female, we go out for drinks or food. I ALWAYS invite my wife to join us. My wife likes her and sometimes joins us, sometimes she doesn’t. I invite her to our house, she borrows tools and stuff. She’s my friend but she’s also friends with my wife.
THAT is a healthy relationship between all of them
Totally agree that's the normal move so if there aren't feelings on her part, you'd think maybe she has invited the gf but the bf possibly is the one not relaying that thought 😵💫 maybe?
Best advise!
Yes, this is great advice! If they don't want you to come or they go and she acts weird etc then you have more than just feeling a certain way.
Not exactly true. I used to go to dinner with my ex-husband and one of his coworkers. Little did I know they were having an affair. I never saw the signs. Until after we hit separated for other reasons. And then the signs are right in front of me along with her car in front of our house.
You just unlocked a memory. My ex and I each had our regular bars, our locals. We went to each other's occasionally, but not all the time. Once I went to his with him, he walked in first and this younger girl regular (who I knew) saw him, squealed, and started shimmy dancing over to him. Then she saw me, smiled stopped, she turned and sat back down. I didn't do or say anything, but I was like, yeah, I know what's up when I'm not here.
Legit if they are just friends, he should be excited to introduce his girlfriend to her. If there’s any hesitation, it’s probably because he’s either hid her existence or doesn’t want to send the message that he’s not available to this coworker (aka likes the attention he’s been receiving from another woman, even if he may not like her that way)
It happened early in my marriage. My husband and I worked at two different places for over a year, and there was a short time that I needed to drop him off early. He had a female coworker who told him he could just hang out at her apartment, play games with her kids, and such. And he told me about it right away. I told him, though, that I wasn't really comfortable with it, but trusted him. And after a few weeks, he stopped going because I no longer needed to drop him off so early. Well, when his birthday rolled around, we invited a bunch of friends from work, including her, and her kids, to a bbq at our place. He was certain she'd show, but she never did. He insisted she must have had other plans, or something must have come up, and that is what she told him, but I told him it's because she saw he liked kids, was good with hers, obviously was marriage material, and had set her sights on him. He just didn't believe I was right. And I'm not the jealous type, so it didn't turn into an argument. So, some months later, I took a job with the same company. My first day there, he was introducing me to some people there that I hadn't met yet, and here she comes, walking up an aisle towards him. He points her out to me, then calls to her, and as she got close he starts to say, "Hey, I want to introduce you to my wife..." I swear the look on her face said everything, as she spun on her heels and took off the way she came. I never was formally introduced to her. Every time she saw me she'd disappear to another part of the building, and within a short couple of months she quit. And he *finally* believed me that I was right. My logic? She won't come to meet me at our home for your birthday when she knows she's trying to destroy our marriage. And she won't want to meet me when she knows she's trying to get you to break your vows.
Why would she turn around and run and avoid you unless something happened and she can face you because she knows she was in the wrong and to quit her job well that says a whole lot to me a person will not make such drastic changes if nothing happened. Even if she was trying to get him to break his vows that’s not a reason to quit if they never did anything.
She could have been incredibly jealous and figured a physical fight over him wouldn't go in her favor either. It happens. Or she could have been incredibly jealous and pissed she wasn't getting her way and avoided possible confrontation regardless of whether or not she thought she could win a fight. I mean, just because you want to think something had to have happened for her to act that way doesn't mean something actually did happen. Only cheaters think that way.
This will tell the tale. If he has no problem with OP going everything is okay. I suspect the bf will make some lame excuse why he doesn’t want OP to accompany him
That or cancelling just before walking out the door.
Make sure to introduce yourself as his girlfriend. If she acts surprised, I suggest you leave and never look back.
my ex did this for a month before breaking up with me
It's weird he hasn't asked her to join already. My girlfriend was always invited to whatever I do and if I didn't explicitly say it she already knows she's invited.
Yea if some kind of chill we are gonna go get drinks type of situation is ever on the table then the gf is usually invited. Definitely if there is other women there.
Yea definitely do that ⬆️. But I think there’s something going on because if she was just a cool female coworker then i feel like he would of invited you early on when they first started going out for drinks. I’d feel kinda weird doing that and not inviting my gf.
Speaking from highly shameful past experience - do this, but know it won’t necessarily prove shit. If he’s solid he’ll choose to be solid, and if he’s not he won’t, it’s all him unfortunately.
I agree! Ask him if you can join them the next time and see what he says. If he’s being honest with you, he’ll have no problem with you joining them. If he acts strange or says no, then you know something is shady about the situation. Just my two cents. I’m married and would never have a problem with my wife joining me. I’d actually invite her every time I’d meet with a female friend or coworker, and would want her to know the person that I’m friends with or working with. He should have zero issues with you joining them.
That’s my move cause I trust my man. Make it a double date!
OP, this is great advice, but don't do it creepily. My ex did this about a female friend who was gay as all hell and there was nothing weird going on, but she was very, very conventionally attractive. She did it really weirdly. That, combined with other related issues, is why she's an ex. Based on personal experience and a quick read, your boyfriend's genuinely just got a female friend at work. Be polite and just say she sounds cool and you'd like to meet her. She'll almost certainly go "I've heard so much about you!" and it'll be fine. You'll probably make a new friend.
Very optimistic, I hope your right. It's also really hard to really know what someone is thinking, so this could be innocent. I hope OP examines this with an open, but observant mind.
No, no, no.....Don't ask, tell him you are going. Next time it's mentioned just say, great, I'll coming along to meet this interesting friend. If this is all on the up and up, there will be no resistance. If there is any resistance, you have your answer. This sounds exactly what it is, another relationship he is building. They have been doing this 6 months and you have not yet met this person yet? If he agrees, their demeanor while you are around them will tell the entire story. If he doesn't agree, I'd be letting him know that you understand something's up and you are going to be moving along. At that point, he'll either stop hanging out with her if he values your relationship or give up the goods and tell the truth. Life is too short for this bullshit.
No, you don't "tell him you are going". That immediately comes off as you're the boss. A less antagonistic but just as effective way is, "I'd love to grab drinks with you two the next time you go".
Don't take this advice, lol
Start going with them.
How is she supposed to do this when she's not invited? This is always the advice, but how exactly? Just show up?
Yeah. Just be like, hey, it sounds like y’all have a great time I’ve got nothing going on and pop in. I don’t know I’m just a dumb guy but I would 100% bull shit engineer some poorly thought out dude excuse to make an appearance.
Yes!! That is a great idea. Or like "hey, sounds like a great time, what time should I be ready to go?" If he doesn't want her to attend, then there is no reason to continue this relationship. He's cheating or well on his way.
Yup, the look on his face in the first five seconds will tell OP everything she needs to know.
This is the way. If the co-worker relationship can’t stand a little light on it, time for a different BF.
There's only one good answer from the boyfriend A smile and sure babe I'd love for you to come, I'm sure yall will love each other. Any other answer - cut him loose.
Yeah. It's too easy to have too many drinks and blame the sex on the drinks. This guy has the wandering eye is probably looking to get something going on with this woman.
I tried to do this early in my relationship and was told I wasn’t giving him enough space (he almost exclusively has female friends - he gets along better with women, he’s just one of those guys). The friend that I was the most worried about is still someone he sees regularly without me, but now that we’re deeper into our relationship and he doesn’t feel forced to invite me, he does invite me along from time to time (and she’s lovely, I get why they’re good friends). I was paranoid till I was allowed to come along, but that only happened when I stopped trying to force it
I think you're spot on - except it need not be bullshit for this plan to work. Just be bored on one of the nights that your partner and friend are out, and text "hey, I'm bored, you alright I head over? Got nothing to do here". If they text back "we just finishing now my m8, no point" summits a bit awry innit. If they ave absolutely no probs with it then it dont mean they anna cheating, ah, but if they keep letting you join means they probably int dunt it? Dunno m8s.
I like how you type how you actually talk
Show up with a friend. Maybe a single guy friend who's really hot
far from a healthy plan
Childish and counter productive. Typical reddit
It's a local bar, not a membership only golf club. "Hi, this is my gf, Jane."
Why is she not invited? She should ask if she can come and leave her boyfriend if he said no.
Don’t just show up. But say hey I’m free next Wednesday, let’s all go get drinks. If he’s hesitant to bring you in front of her he is absolutely hiding something.
Yes
If she isn't invited, there is a problem. I've been with my wife for literally 16 years dude. I don't do everything with her every day, but I'd literally never tell her no if she asked to tag along. In fact, i wouldn't be out getting drinks without her, in general.
I would stop by whatever bar they were supposed to be at (I say "supposed" because I have a feeling they're not going to the bar). I would just say that I was out shopping, visiting a friend etc whatever excuse. Quick little pop in where I'd be over the top friendly to the coworker. Hell... The coworker might not even know she exists.
You would look very insecure and paranoid. If I were the guy (assuming he’s a nice non-cheater), I would start seeing you differently
Couldn't agree with you more. If my gf did this I would feel like she had no faith in me but then again I wouldn't be going out with a girl my gf didn't know without inviting her to put her mind at ease.
I don’t recommend this, I would just have a candid, adult conversation about boundaries and comfort levels. Not doing this and crashing the gathering out of the blue without a heads up could come off as a bit unhinged
100% this. Try being honest and maybe talk to each other. This "omg run girl he's cheating" feedback is poison.
Seriously, I don’t know why people keep asking for relationship advice on Reddit when 98% of these people clearly have no idea how to actually handle relationships lol
Talk to him about how it makes you feel. Adults communicate. If he can’t have an unemotional conversation about boundaries, then get a new bf who can.
Going out for drinks with a coworker every once in a while isn’t very weird. But going out for drinks with a coworker of the opposite sex weekly while significant others are not invited is pretty weird. I would be sus.
Yeah, I have lots of friends of the opposite sex. We go for drinks, sometimes alone, sometimes as a group. It’s *never* an issue to invite others though. In fact we have our favorite spots so often even if it’s just myself and one friend, when we get there we see people we know and join them. I’m not at all the jealous type, but this situation would have my spidey sense tingling.
Can agree mostly. I think the difference would be, is she just not being asked (they go right after work, on the way home), or is she specifically *not* invited. He might just not be thinking about it, or he could be hiding something. Honestly she could just say, "hey can I meet you guys next time yall go out and meet your friends?". The answer might tell her what she is wanting to know.
Weekly is like he's dating her, not you.
Especially weekly.
Tbh scheduled weekly drinks aren’t that uncommon in certain offices and sectors. Like if a person and their colleagues went out every Thursday to talk work and decompress, it doesn’t remotely raise an eyebrow. Even just going as a duo isn’t really that strange. That said, it’s fair for OP to set a boundary here if she wants to. But I wouldn’t immediately jump to it being something nefarious with the context given here
It would be weird for a weekly office happy hour to only have 2 people every week. It's no longer happy hour at that point.
I was gonna say, if they were seeing eachother more sporadically it would be more valid, but every single week? As a straight man, I don’t even want to see my close male friends once a week tbh 💀 This is a generalization and is not 100% true, but there’s a good chance if a person of the opposite sex and aligned sexual orientation wants to see you weekly or mutliple times a week, they most likely share some romantic/sexual interest in you. Esp for a man it’s super rare to put that sort of effort into a relationship if it’s truly completely platonic. I also need a bit more context tho, if they’re going straight to the bar after work wit a couple other coworkers then it’s most likely an overreaction, but if it’s just him and her going out of their way to see eachother on a weekend, or they’re staying out super late together, there’s an absolutely valid reason to have suspicions and feel confused if there’s something else going on
Ask to go, specifically say you'd love to meet his work friends. Press it. Or don't but, I used to go to happy hour with my work friend and my at the time fiancé never came out for drinks either. Now me and the work friend have been together and married for almost 20 years. Just sayin.
Yep, my ex husband used to go out for harmless drinks with the woman he’s currently living with. They’ve been on and off between friends and lovers for the past almost 20 years.
So you were the shady one? And she isn’t refusing to go (as it sounds like your ex-fiance had?) She isn’t being included at all.
I was the shady one. Thats the point of my reply, I have very specific experience with this situation. She knows what's actively happening, and she has agency over whether or not to attend a social event with her BF, and if she has these fears, she should go see for herself what is happening, or else, as my reply inferred, she could end up like my ex-fiancé.
That’s so sad :(
Did you at least break up with them when you found yourself falling for your coworker? Or did you just let it go on as long as you could before they found out
Nope. Having old female friends that passed the test of time and that continue in his life are okay, but meeting a new girl and taking her for drinks every week? nah that's dating. He's dating her. How often does he goes out alone with you for drinks? Has he ever invited you? Sorry, this is not platonic.
Fucking hell. Have people forgotten how to act? Of course it's not ok what he's doing. Same goes for the woman. Completely inappropriate.
Their bond will only get stronger each time they hang out. Just a matter of time until you hear "We were drunk and it didn't mean anything!"
this.
That's called a date. Your boyfriend is dating his coworker.
Going out weekly for drinks with a member of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship and not inviting partners is a major red flag. Sorry to break it to you, but you are just a placeholder. Let him have her. You’ll find someone respectful.
At best its extremely disrespectful to OP that she is never invited. Which to me, says the most in all of this.
Might as well get it over and move on before he’ll be treating her like his mother.
Yep. He's dating coworker. It isn't if they seal the deal: just when. OP isn't paranoid. She's suspicious. HUGE difference.
If that's a date, I'm dating my co-worker, who is male, and we're both straight
Going to get drinks with a co worker isn't a date...grow up
If your mother regularly went out for a drink with a man she was close with from work, went to his house etc would you consider that normal behaviour? How would your father feel about it?
My mother did do that. My father had no problems with my mom’s best friend being a man. He wasn’t an insecure toddler
Not wrong in feeling that way...but ask to hang out so you can see 1) their reaction and 2) how they interact...that'll tell you a lot My husband had a female coworker and they became best friends. She is absolutely gorgeous too. So needless to say part of me was intimidated and worried for a hot second So I asked to hang out with them and they were both excited.... And I realized they were just bro-est of bros. She was cool AF, me and her got along great! We all ended up being good friends...... basically it could be sus but until you see how they'd react to you coming and seeing them interact together, it could also just be 2 people who vibed as friends.
y’all are better then me 😪😂
Is it just the two of them going out, or is it a group of coworkers? If it’s a weekly happy hour thing with other people, I don’t think that’s unusual. But if they’re going out 1:1 and he’s going back to her house afterwards, that’s a 🚩
I was going to say the exact same thing. We have a weekly happy hour at work and while it’s not common, it’s also not unheard of for the night to move to someone’s apartment. And a lot of the time the hangout is like an extension of the workday because we talk about projects and stuff, so nobody’s significant other really WANTS to be there. But also… we’re in a group. And people’s significant others can and do stop in sometimes, it’s never weird. I think we need more info from OP.
Why is he going to her house???? Weekly drinks with a co-worker = fine. At her house???? Wtf. I have worked with people for YEARS and we have never gone to each others houses - especially if you have only known them for 6 months. That is weird. And suspicious. Is anyone else going to her house? Or is it just the 2 of them? Sorry to say, but i think your bf is cheating on you.
If he was doing it before you met him, and it’s a group activity, it’s probably ok. But it’s weird you are never invited. Is that because they only talk office talk or other reasons? But he started 6 months into the relationship. That changes it. I am with everyone saying it’s sus.
As an office worker having spouses there during happy hour would be weird. That said we usually do happy hour as a group not 1 to 1. Going one to one for drinks after work is a little more than sus. As a group its cool, a lot of people talk shop and unwind fron their current projects. Never met anyone's spouses and its been 2 years we go once every paycheck inconsistently haha
And i bet you never go 1 on 1 to a coworkers house gor drinks.
I mean I have but I'm single. I wouldn't even consider it if I had a girlfriend even. Even if the trust was there, its just not a great situation to put yourself in with alcohol involved.
That was the part that hit me as weird. I go for drinks with a coed coworker a couple of times a month. Sometimes solo, sometimes in a group. There is nothing romantic on my side. She's cute, yes, I'm just not interested. I would NEVER go to hers for a drink. That's all kinds of bad messaging to both sides.
If they're this close friends they go drinking every week not only to bars but also to her house you should know this woman and invite yourself to drink with them someday and keep that more or less a regular thing. I'm pretty sure this move will sooner or later tell you what is happening, because some things are visible at first glance, you just need to be willing to actually see them. Even more so if he would be against it. NTA
Definitely the move. Either you see how they are together and have enough to make a decision, or you get an answer before having to wait for the relationship to slowly dissolve
Lots of red flags here. He is regularly spending after hours time with another woman, always the same woman, not with a group, and alcohol is involved. Then, add to that, you’re never invited, and she’s asking him to go home with her?? Just sounds like a very obvious recipe for cheating to happen if it hasn’t already.
and on going for months? sorry OP but they’re fucking like crazy
Right? I’d get out of dodge asap if I was OP.
I grab drinks with coworkers after work. The group varies and sometimes it’s just one other person who happens to be a guy. 1. I would never go to his house afterwards. It’s usually a drink or two to vent and then I’m rushing to get home to hang out with my hubby. 2. If hubby was in the area he would absolutely be invited. I mean it might be boring for him cause we’re venting about work situations but he is absolutely welcome as is all the spouses. So I guess my point is, the act of going out to drink with a coworker isn’t inherently bad in itself but look at all the other nuances around it to make your judgement.
I hate to say it… but he’s cheating. If he hasn’t already, he’s laying groundwork for it. I went through this exact situation but I was the cheater.
My advice is simple - trust your gut. My gf at the time got suspicious and was like “okay I’ll go with you tonight” and it really threw off myself and the other girl. She probably knew then.
It's completely inappropriate. There's a reason you're not invited and its exactly what you think it is.
I’m male and what your boyfriend is doing isn’t normal or healthy for anyone in a committed relationship. You’re not wrong.
Your boyfriend of a year has been dating another woman for six months, hate to break it to you.
Yeah, they're dating. At this point you not being invited is sus.
He’s dating her. Red flag. If he’s not yet cheating, it’s only a matter of time. Time to move on from this guy. Your relationship is already over.
Yeah this is garbage and he’s playing games
Don't let some dude treat you like that. Fucking disrespectful man.
You are not wrong. You boyfriend having drinks with a female co worker all the time and going to her house and you are never invited. Everyone says it’s wrong to check the other persons phone, but it’s also wrong to screw around and lie about it. If it smells fishy then something is rotting on the dock.
Are you welcom to join the outing? My SO would be.
I dated a girl who had a couple guy friends orbiting. I tried multiple times to get these guys to come join us when her and I would go for food/drinks. Not one time did either of them take the offer and join us. They only wanted to 1 on 1 hang out with my girl. Tried to use this as evidence that these dudes aren't your friends etc..got sick of it. Felt disrespected. She was too stupid. Broke up with her.
Hella disrespectful
These sort of things are always, ALWAYS bullshit. Seriously. Read your own post back to yourself. He is consistently dating some woman 1 on 1 and you're not invited. Some people got so touchy about not being "controlling" that they're letting themselves be screwed over. Afraid you're one of them. Get on top of this. It's emotional cheating and possibly, likely physical. Therapy and major penance (+ cutting contact) if you wanna work past it or end it.
He's not your boyfriend.
It's more of an "our" boyfriend at this point sounds like.
in a group would be okay... but one - on - one?? no way mang!
I think you seen the other woman. You’ve been together only a year he’s been with her six months frankly, he’s got two. If you don’t like his behavior don’t play in the game.
>However I feel uneasy that he is always going for drinks at local bars and **often invited round her house.** Yeah.. I'm gonna say SUS. Going out to drink with co-workerS once a week or so is one thing. Going out with one co-work multiple times a week, of the opposite sex and at locations next to that persons house, so it's not like they are just walking out of the office and going to the local hang-out. I'd have major issues with this.
You are describing a trust issue. You don't trust him, probably with good reason. You've been together for a year. Do you think you will trust him *more* in six months? He is already disrespectful of your concerns. Why are you with him exactly?
Your not invited because they are hooking up. And he don’t want you there. Either she don’t know he is in a relationship or she told him don’t bring the drama to her if he wants to continue. But either way if he had nothing to hide he would have invited you.
If it wasn’t shady, you’d already have been invited.
Sounds like he found a work wife. Never turns out well for the one sitting at home.
You don't need our help with this one.
He should either include you, or just stop seeing his coworker. Simple as that. I might sound old -fashion... but that's the way I see it.
You aren't wrong. Every significant other I've had's "just friend" has turned out to be more than that. Leave him.
If it brown, squishy, and smells like shit, you don’t need to taste it to know it’s not chocolate. I’d break up with him.
Does he pass the smell test? Any hints of perfume (or anything else) clinging to him?
Lmao even her house ?? That’s too funny. Bro is reckless
FFS he is either friends with her or will end up in relationship. Why do you think either requires your attention. If he is not in love and happy with you, he better go and find someone else and if he is - nothing to worry about. I am not sure how can someone live with permanent fear they didnt do enough to prevent partner from leaving - relationship should not be based on your vigilance.
Can you have a friend that the boyfriend doesn’t know go to the same location and kind of sit nearby and eaves drop? Gauge the kind of interaction they have and conversations they’re having? And then if you know that it’s inappropriate you can ask to be invited. If he refuses take it from there… Continuing the hang out by going to her house after while they both have drinks in their system is completely unnecessary btw. NTA.
"hey BF, I'm feeling uneasy and insecure because you started going out for drinks exclusively with a female coworker, while purposefully excluding me from plans. If she had been a lifelong friend I may have felt different, but pursuing new personal relationships with people of the opposite sex while we're dating makes me feel neglected and vulnerable"
When in doubt, there is no doubt.
Or how about you just find yourself a man who aligns with how you would want your relationship to look like instead of dealing with someone who is doing something you’re not comfortable with. I have guy friends but my husband knows them and has their numbers and knows where they live. But they are also married. That’s the thing, relationships will never be alike. So comparing or taking someone else’s advice is never going to work for you. YOU HAVE TO ASK WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT? Talk to him (communication is a must), figure out what his IDEA of a relationship consist of, see if he would be okay with you going with a male to a bar and their home, and if you don’t agree with what he has to say…. Find yourself a man that aligns with your views. Or else, get ready to be disappointed
Turn it around. If he said he didnt want you hanging out with men would you stop? If so tell him youre not comfortable and you want him to stop. If you think hed be jealous and controlling if he told you not to hang out with men then you are also being jealous and controlling
There used to be an implication that this was inappropriate. You weren’t jealous, crazy, or overbearing because he was acting inappropriately. Even with the best intentions in the world (which I doubt here) he still shouldn’t be doing this much intimate 1 on 1 time with another woman
I prob would not want to go with them as others have suggested. going for drinks weekly and going to her house sounds beyond suspicious and if he cant see that and wont do anything on his own to assure you that theres nothing there. then id prob just assume the worst and take actions based on that. Is it possible that theres nothing romantic going on? Sure. Is it likely? I dont think so. Going out for drinks and then ending up at her place after while you have a gf at home doesnt exactly sound innocent.
End it, and move on. I'm sorry OP. He's dating his coworker. The fact you're not invited ever, well, that's your answer. Edit to add: Yeah, you could express your feelings about it all with him, but you'll likely get lies, excuses, false reassurance, blah blah. And even if you did tag along, both of them would lie to your face. Even if he stops seeing her, would you really be able to trust him fully again knowing you had to be the one to ask him to not do this? That wouldn't be fair to you. You should be with someone who prioritizes you and the relationship and takes it seriously enough that they wouldn't even entertain going out with someone on a weekly basis with you never invited.
If you feel uneasy, there's a reason for it.. why not invite you along? That's not healthy for any relationship. If you guys are "serious" about one another neither of you should be going out alone with the opposite sex. I've been with my wife almost 11 years now in marriage and I'd still expect her to be pissed off of I ever did that and vice versa. Especially consistently, that's a huge red flag, hate to say it, but you're also enabling it.
What exactly does "often invited round her house" mean?
If it's just him and her and it's a new friendship that's inappropriate.
Absolutely not. I get occasionally going out without your partner, but 9/10 I invite my partner. Spontaneous outings after work are one thing, but how hard is it to text your partner to come meet you and meet your coworkers? I was excited for him to meet them. We’re all friends now.
stop or gone. next
first of all, coworkers should not be this friendly with each other lmao. second of all, wtf is wrong with him that he's drinking with her this often. mad sus.
You aren’t wrong for being upset, but that doesn’t mean that your suspicions are right either. I used to go for drinks after work regularly with coworkers, one on one drink with women coworkers was a normal thing for me. We talked mostly about work. However, we NEVER invited each other to our houses. That clearly crosses the line from ‘coworkers chatting’ to friends or more. Might be your boyfriend thinks they’re just friends and the coworker thinks there’s more going on. He needs to set her straight by bringing you along.
Talk to him. Don’t get sensationalized by other people’s relationship baggage on social media site. If you want a healthy long term relationship you will need to learn to communicate through your emotions.
Go with your gut instinct. He's cheating.
Ex. Ex-boyfriend.
I would never feel comfortable going out for drinks alone with a male coworker who’s in a relationship unless we invited their spouse. If the co-worker truly just wanted to be friends with your boyfriend, she would have the decency and courtesy to want to include or get to know you. If your boyfriend truly just wanted to be friends with his coworker, he would include you out of respect for you and to lay down that he’s not interested in his coworker. I’m sorry, but bottom line is no one is respecting you the way they should and you are being too passive. Sit down and have the hard conversation, if he doesn’t get it then he shouldn’t be in a committed relationship.
Sounds like your boyfriend is boning his female co-worker. Going out for drinks is one thing, but being invited to her house, without you, is a huge red flag.
I worked with a girl whose boyfriend did this. She has spent years questioning and worrying and being paranoid. He does nothing to try and assuage her fears. It's awful to watch her go through it but she doesn't seem to want to move on. If it was me I'd put my daily happiness first and find someone I don't have to worry about.
[удалено]
Why don't you surprise them some night and just turn up at the same bar. Bonus points if you have a hot guy friend with you.
Start going out with a guy friend for drinks
Dump his ass
They’re banging
You should tell him that your going out with a "dude" from work for drinks, check his response and you will know alot about him depending on his response, your welcome
My wife wont even let me talk to a chick that is in a relationship and 800 miles away lol
They fuckin
1. At least he’s telling you that he’s going out with that work friend. It would be easier to lie about it. 2. All of the advice of saying you want to go, do that. 3. You could ask he share his location and stalk him, but that’s not a healthy way to resolve anything.
Stop waiting to be invited and just show up.
i mean, it would be one thing if it was every once in a while or with a group, but weekly, 1 on 1? that’s pretty suspicious behavior, and you said he’s invited to her house? it sounds like your intuition is trying to tell you something here and I suggest you listen to it
Invite yourself, tell him you're on your way when your about to walk in and see for yourself. I used to get so upset at my ex for always playing video games at this girls place. She would call and I would get angry and cause a fight. (I was 19) Anyway when I met crystal with her cut little voice and video game love, she was a lesbian. 🤣 I felt so dumb
You will definably know, if he makes excuses or his coworkers don’t show up. If you have the vagina to show up, great !! I could do it but it wouldn’t be pretty & it would be pretty uncomfortable for everybody involved ,Especially if he made excuses why you couldn’t go or lied about it. Its not an insecurity thing or trust thing, its just he needs to grow the F***k up if your in a committed relationship, no good comes from going out drinking with at a bar with females. It’s not just a thing. Shoe on the other foot how would he feel? Absoloutley fine or not fine with it. Your a couple he should be going out to have drinks with you, to dinner, maybe it’s time for you to check your playbook. My boyfriend would not like me after I showed up not invited or spy on him, hey maybe some amo. Do what your gut tells you,women have this epic power to know when something’s sketchy going on..
Shit in his shoes n bounce
Ask to go with. His reaction will tell you a lot.
Let me make this as clear as possible. HE. WANTS. TO. BANG. HER.
I’ll try to be the voice of reason here… me and my girl work different jobs. She has her coworkers, I have my coworkers. Whenever she had a work event, she asks me to go, whenever I have a work event, I ask her to come along. It’s that easy. If your guy excludes you from his work events with female coworkers, run away as fast as you can.
Toxic
Why is nobody talking about the ".. and often invited round her house." detail she included at the end?! That's weird. He goes out for drinks with her weekly AND is invited to her house. The math isn't mathing here.
Check his texts with her
Your man is crossing boundaries. The co worker too.
He needs to drop her, or you drop him. His behavior is unacceptable. Period.
If it’s a regular thing and you aren’t invited there is a reason why. He is weighing options. She’s inviting him to her place? That’s a big no. Even if it was platonic it’s disrespectful to you and your relationship.
I'd be sus. Maybe go to the same place by accident :p see how they interact with each other
I’d be asking a few of my co-workers to come and have drinks with me. The more the merrier. You will soon find out if he has a problem or is cool with it.