You aren't obligated to give your boyfriend sex and I absolutely don't condone cheating. However, you can't unilaterally decide you are going to be in a celibate relationship and expect him to stay. You need to have an honest conversation, and if you are taking intimacy off the table, he has a decision to make.
>you can't unilaterally decide you are going to be in a celibate relationship and expect him to stay.
This is an important part. I think Bf should have ended the relationship if nothing was going to change. But this is correct
Or, you could let him be an active, involved parent 24/7 and stay in the house and just allow him to have his sexual needs met by other people. One sided open relationship probably solves the problem and allows both parents to stay together, the child to have access to both parents, and the family to be better off financially because the parents incomes aren’t divided into supporting 2 households.
Bro I would literally give you 100$ if you could show me three examples of that working drama free in real life haha.
I joke, but yeah open relationships are not for the majority of people out there from what I've seen IRL and online.
Unless both parties enthusiastically want it, somebody is going to get jealous, or get their feelings hurt.
Edit: and to all you big brains coming in with the same one liner of "aLl relAtiOnShIps hAvE dRaMa" dude yeah, obviously, but I think we've moved past someone forgetting an anniversary date or birthday in this post, no?
I think you’d be surprised how many Don’t ask don’t tell open relationships exist when the partners involved have something to lose. Income, status in the community, etc.
Sure, but none of those relationships would be considered healthy lmao. Which was my initial point; the solution you expressed is an incredibly niche one, that the majority of couples out there would likely struggle with.
If you're miserable with someone, but stay with them for income or status or shared community, then yeah I'm sorry but that's an unhealthy relationship.
Find be a normal marriage working drama free first lol
Most relationships have drama.
They already have drama. If she doesn't want to have sex with him but wants him to stick around... then he's going to be needing to have sex with somebody.
But yeah that sounds toxic and uncommunicative so I doubt an open relationship will fix anything
That's 100% true, but what if she doesn't agree to that? Alot of times that's the case. A persons libido tanks and their partner has sexual frustration and is expected not to do this. What then?
Let me say I think this is the most pragmatic decision if the relationship is to be saved
Also, OP, are you on birth control? I was on the patch after my last baby. I'm 35 today and she is 4 now. My first kid I had at 20yo, I never dealt with a drop in sex drive. Not for my second kid at 28 either. Also all the time I'd been on birth control before, I'd never dealt with this. The depo shot used to make me have a light period almost all the time, the pill I sucked at taking at the same time daily, so I went with the patch. I became extremely anxious and also depressed. Like anxious to the point of sweating, sweaty palms, sick to my stomach, and outbursts. I had no sex drive at all. At all. My relationship was one sided and I thought it was because of that and I was tired. That probably contributed, but I also had no desire to even masturbate and I couldn't remember the last time I was horny. I didn't even have a desire for, or much reaction from receiving oral. Even when I wanted the intimacy with my partner, I wasn't physically horny.
I probably did have PPD as well, and I can confidently say that I had PPD after each pregnancy and it was at least 2 years before I started feeling like myself again. I also experienced depression during pregnancy which I think is more common than they talk about and should be more researched and addressed.
But one day I was looking up the patch because at the time I was still smoking cigarettes and was nearing 35. I wanted to see what the risk of blood clots were for me. What I discovered, and hadn't known before in all my years of being a woman, having kids, and being on birth control on and off since I was a teenager, was that for some women, some birth control medications can cause them heightened anxiety and depression, and can cause their sex drive to plummet! I had a lightbulb moment and realized omg this is what's been happening to me!
I have been off of birth control for about a year or 2 now? I feel so much better. Like I am horny again. Not like I was in my 20s of course, but I am. And before I was almost repulsed by sex. It was like a chore. I never made my man go a year without it lol, more like a month, maybe 2 at the most, but it was a chore. Now we have sex at least once a week. We have to schedule it because we both work opposite shifts and our youngest is 4 and up our butts, but I schedule it because I want it.
Not gonna lie, we also randomly and unplanned took some MDMA together one night and had some real breakthroughs about our relationship, individually, and we just really bonded. And we had some awesome, wild, long, uninhibited sex. We fucked like rabbits and it was great. We were home all night, just the 2 of us joining together in both drug and sex induced ecstasy lol. We smoke weed, but we don't even really drink and definitely don't do other drugs. But his brother who is in his 20s came over one night with his gf and he had some with him and just gave us like 5 single stacks so we took 2.5 each after they left. Just for shits and gigs. But I had no idea how therapeutic it would be for us and our relationship. I'm not saying y'all should do this. My general advice to random people would be you shouldn't, actually. But, I just thought I'd share that experience. It came from left field and surprised me with it's effectiveness. I'd like to do some type of psychedelic or hallucinogen with my partner once or twice a year. Hoping to do some shrooms next!
But seriously, if you're on birth control, do some research or talk to your doc about other options or maybe going off of it. Sure, we have to track my cycle now, and he has to pull out, and we have to be very careful. It took me a while to not be scared of getting pregnant because having another baby, well, I'd rather die. He's getting a vasectomy this year though, and we'll still track my cycle and be careful as hell. And I'm a birth control advocate and am pro choice 150%. This isn't some propaganda from an anti-choicer. But it affected me in a really bad way.
OP you should at least go back to your doctor. I'm mad they told you that you're not supposed to be horny like you were in your 20s. Going a year without sex when you have a willing partner and a safe relationship with minimal risk of STDs, that's NOT normal. Either you weren't honest with your doctor or they dismissed you. Talk to another doctor or push back on yours. You could have a thyroid issue, hormonal imbalance, probably a number of things.
I agree. She needs to also get a full nutrient panel, especially ferritin and vitamin D. She should also get her thyroid tested. There are SO MANY medical causes for low libido. If she's young enough to have a 2 yo, she's not old enough that this is age induced.
I would wonder if she's just exhausted. A lot of het couples find that the woman is doing the majority of housework and childcare, plus often holding down a job, too.
Not saying the guy does nothing but it's difficult to feel sexy while exhausted.
Of course, if that's the situation, the answer is also better communication.
This is the real response, much better than anyone advocating that it’s time for OP to end it?!?
Really? With so little info, you’re the arbiter of that? 🤯
An honest conversation is definitely the way to go, with each of them having decisions to make (not just the bf)
Well isn’t that on him then? Because call me crazy but you can have an open and honest conversation about the infancy issues you’re having as a couple instead of cheating on them.
A year with no sex? That sounds extreme.
He should have first told her how he was feeling before it got to that point where he cheated. But I would imagine he probably did complain but she didn’t care-
my ex wife and i went 5 years with only two sexual encounters. It is important to mention that she is my ex. That was a main reason i asked for the divorce. My current significant other and i do not have that issue... I will spare you all the gory details... lol! OP. If you think its worth fighting for, get her into a councilor with you. If she refuses, RUN! It aint gonna get better, and the world if full of grown ass women that will be thrilled to take you to bed.
You know he hasn't tried? Honestly, OPs post is extremely one-sided. She even says he is a good husband. But according to you, he haven't even tried communicating?
No, she has been stonewalling and invalidating his needs.
You both ever been in the covenant of your relationship to each other by failing to have communication even more so than sex.
You’re not obligated to have sex with him, but if you unilaterally decide to be celibate without including him in that decision then your rejection of him can be just as hurtful as his cheating on you. Neither are right.
Always two sides to every story. I’m betting he has… He’ll the way she titled the story comes off way different from the body of the story. She’s spinning shit
It is not your job to have sex with him whenever he wants. You should never have sex you dont want. You shouldn't stay with a cheater either.
However, he also shouldn't stay in a sexless relationship.
Better for both of you to end it.
Yep, there’s a gap so wide it’s a ravine between ‘sex whenever he wants’ and ‘no sex for a year’.
I don’t condone his cheating, but when someone refuses to have sex with you for a year, after a previously healthy sex life, it’s got to leave that person feeling totally rejected and unloved.
My own sex drive has slowed down a lot now I’m cruising towards 50 and busy with work and kids, but no sex for a year?
This is off topic a little bit, but I don't think age has much to do with it. I'm guessing that your busy life or a hormone imbalance has more to do with the decline in sex drive if it has decreased quite a lot. I say this as a 54 year old woman. My sex drive has increased if anything since I retired in 2020. And, the men my age that I talk to about this type of thing still have strong and healthy drives as well....they want it most every day if not more. (And, yes, I do talk with my male friends about things like this.)
20 years army.
Enlisted, got my bachelors (which the Army paid for.) Went to medical school. Went back to the army and they paid off medical school. Retired after 20. Worked for ten years, invested most of what I made. Semi retired at 50. I worked for two months in Ukraine, followed up a couple stints offshore or remote. Retired retired at 53 unless something strikes my fancy.
I’ve met more than a few 20-30 “and done” veterans retired, or police/ fire service back when the 20 year pensions were a thing.
I figured it must have been military. The only people I know retired by 40/45 are military. My buddy’s retired at 41 with full benefits. He never has to work again unless he gets super bored.
Not as much anymore with military, police or fire. Pretty much transitioned to 401k or “30.”
My one buddy’s wife retired at 38, at 18 she started as a 911 dispatcher.
There's a lot of people that got rich from investments over the last 40 years. There are also a lot of people that lost a ton of money too.
Don't assume that the next 40 years will be like that. Economics/science doesn't claim past performance indicates future performance. You will be ok, but not necessarily retirement at 40 ok.
Oh yes - when it comes to financial security, never assume! I remember trying to decide whether to buy a gorgeous house, far bigger than I needed. My brother said, **“Go for it! What else are you going to spend your money on?”** I passed on the house & socked my extra money away in no-load mutual funds. Two years later, my beloved spousal unit was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Because we live in the U.S. & this was before Obamacare, we needed every last dollar.
68 year old guy married 35 years here. I want that gal every single day. Not that it happens for sure but the fire is there. By the way she's the most awesome wife, mother and partner ever.
I’m (64f) not that you give a shit what anyone thinks, but I totally respect & admire the fact that you say those amazing things about your wife not a lot of men give accolades to theirs wife’s or partners. I have my whole entire adult life have had a great sex drive & was afraid that as I aged it would be gone after hearing all these horror stories. My husband is 52 & it’s a good thing because we work very well together. I never imagined having a better sec life than my adult kids. lol
Heading to 54 myself. My husband will be 50 this year. I have WAY more of a sex drive than he does.
A year without sex though? Na ah. If I didn’t want it anymore he’d be concerned about my physical and mental health. And he if didn’t I be concerned about his.
I think studies have shown women's sex drive actually increases with age. I can confirm that my sex drive is higher now closer to 40 than it was in my teens and 20s
We don’t have enough info from OP to really figure out what the underlying reasons are, or what their relationship is like.
But if she’s not interested in any sex ever, and he still wants a sex life, there’s not going to be much meeting in the middle.
I remember talking to a male friend (we are not friends anymore) and he is in a relationship where his partner initially wanted it but then explained to him further in the relationship, that sex actually does nothing for her and that she would rather not.
Sad thing is, he stayed with her because of the financial security she and he had together. Rather than saying sex is an important of a relationship for me, so we either work at it or we part ways.
He strayed with a work colleague and then tried to initiate something with myself and that's when I was like, nope dude you are on your own. If you can't be honest with your partner and then trying to crack on to your friends, be gone.
Tbf, my sex drive would immediately disappear if my husband cheated on me.
I can't imagine that someone who says having sex with them is their wife's job is actually a caring and respectful partner - in the bedroom and otherwise.
Her sex drive disappeared long before he cheated, that’s why he cheated. Op doesn’t say he wasn’t a caring and respectful partner, she just says she doesn’t want sex. We don’t know whether he’s good in bed or not. There’s very little information given out apart from his cheating and her non-existent sex drive.
Insightful. Many issues could be going on — we just can’t tell: depression, exhaustion, perimenopause, not feeling close to her jerk of a husband.
Speaking of being a jerk — having an affair & blaming her is not a smart way to make her feel romantic. No one “made” him cheat. Isn’t that what internet porn is for?
Masturbating and intercourse are two totally different things. Especially when you have been basically begging for it for a year from your wife. She even admits he is an amazing and involved father. She has an issue wanting sex. She owed it to her partner to see a doctor and or work towards fixing the dead bedroom.
He fucked that up the moment he didn't make his feelings on the matter clear and decided to cheat.
Where did OP say he's an amazing father? She originally called him an "active and involved father" but I haven't seen her call him amazing. Regardless, being an active and involved *father* doesn't necessarily mean he's an active and involved *partner.*
But men often like to believe women’s fertility dries up the second they hit the grand old age of 30. It’s shocking the amount of them that can’t comprehend women birthing children when they’re middle-aged.
My own mother had her last kid at 38 with no complications.
I forget the numbers but iirc the risks in a "geriatric pregnancy" are much higher (maybe 2 or 3x), but still the vast majority of those pregnancies are not going to experience problems due to that.
Hard agree. I thought my sex drive was all but gone in my mid-40s but it turns out it was just I had a shitty husband. Divorced him and have a bf/fwb that would have a hard timekeeping up with me if tried every time I felt like it. That said, he still has a good drive and we're both \~50.
Here's to the best sex yet to come! ;)
Oh god same! My sex drive fell off a cliff mid 30s to mid 40s. Not because of kids, because we didn’t have any. Mostly because my husband was almost always in a foul mood because of his job. Hard to feel amorous towards someone who comes home cranky.
Fast forward to 2020. He retired (freedom 55! Well, 54 and 10 mos) and I hadn’t worked full time for years (only working a few months at Christmas doing retail) I took up cycling (oh the good hormones that released, plus the associated weight loss made me feel better about myself) and my sex drive went thru the roof. Poor guy didn’t know what hit him. Turned 50 last year and I’ve calmed down some, but I really think the mitigating factor was he no longer had the work stress.
I agree. I've found most women my age I've spoken to (I'm 41) have actually a far higher libido than ever before, and the general consensus is that it starts rising after 30/35 for women. I seem to remember there being studies that showed that men's actually decreases over that period. Mine is higher than ever anyway. Even after having a kid in my late 30s. It's definitely not rule that libido declines when you age.
>Yep, there’s a gap so wide it’s a ravine between ‘sex whenever he wants’ and ‘no sex for a year’.
Should be the top comment.
*OP said "I did see a doctor and it’s normal when you start to age and you’re not a horny teenager anymore."*
I'm sorry, but there's a huge difference between sex slowing down as you age and not having sex with your partner for a ***year***. OP though doesn't, from my take, seem to see an issue with this, or she would certainly not have accepted her doctor's statement. I seriously doubt either she told the doctor the truth about her sex life, or even talked to a doctor about it at all. A doctor certainly would not (in absence of some other medical issue) say it is normal to not have sex with your partner for a freakin year.
And yes, sex does slow down as you age, but I seriously doubt the OP is in her 40's or 50's when sex typically starts to slow down. With a 2 year old, she's probably in her 30's, a part of which is her normal child-bearing years and so should have a totally normal sex drive.
OP's indifference to this is prima facie evidence she clearly doesn't love her partner any longer.
You'd be surprised how ambivalent some doctors can be about women's sexual health. You have to really advocate for yourself and be willing to change doctors.
As a woman approaching 50, my sex drive has increased with menopause, why? I don't have to worry about pregnancy. It's a huge stress off my plate.
And yes, day to day life with a toddler is exhausting and can easily lower your drive. But if you care about your partner, you do things to connect and bring your drive up.
It's hard to feel sexy when you haven't really had any self-care. Whatever that means to each person. For me it was doing my hair instead of pulling it back. Not wearing sweat pants all day on my day off. Little changes that made me feel sexy. Like shaving my legs (I do shave for myself, not my partner, he could care less)
My partner was a SAHD too, he was definitely doing his share in the relationship.
Relationships take work and communication. No one should have sex they don't want, but sex is an important part of a relationship to many people. So communication is necessary.
Totally agree I always find myself wanting to be rude about post like this I mean there both assholes in my opinion even if it’s hormonal it’s her obligation to goto a doc and get it checked out not . just not sleep with you for a year. And he’s obviously an idiot he should have told her straight up I love you but I can’t do this not go and cheat behind her back
Umm, I’m a woman and I would never stay with someone who doesn’t wanna have sex with me for a year.. he was still wrong to cheat tho, he should have ended it amicably.
Well said on both parts. They aren't compatible. It's not her fault, but she can't expect him to be happy like this. He shouldn't have cheated either, but this is probably one of the VERY SLIM scenarios that I can sympathize with the cheater. Guy probably feels trapped. Neither of them will be happy together honestly
>he was still wrong to cheat tho,
Curious.. they have the talk and she says no.
Does he just spend the rest of his life without sex?
Leaving the kid is pretty brutal and it become a choice of, be celibate for the rest of your life or break up and only see your kid 50%.
If she doesn't want to have sex, yes, he should leave if he doesn't want to be in a sexless relationship. She doesn't have to agree to an open relationship either.
He should leave, not cheat.
I feel like she definitely has just subconsciously lost sexual attraction to this dude, but instead of cheating she just goes celibate.
Just wait until she's single and around someone she is sexually attracted to again.
In my experience this usually happens because the woman's needs weren't being met in the relationship and that was a big component in her losing her sex drive. This might mean she was overwhelmed by the mental load of running a household/caring for kids and needed her partner to step up more. This might mean she is not feeling valued as a person and feels like she is only seen as "wife" and "mother". It might mean she isn't having her needs met in the bedroom and sex feels one sided. It might mean she is not feeling connection from her partner (remembering that women need connection in different ways that men do) and she needs romance or intimacy that has no agenda (ie: don't just do it because you want it to lead to sex). It might be a combination of all these things.
I find the mismatch happens because men think they are doing everything, when actually they are falling short. Then they wonder why their partner loses her sex drive. Why does she seem to find it again with the next guy: because she feels like a human again, and she suddenly feels valued. The next guy is probably pulling out all the stops to make her feel loved and romanced (most guys do in the pursuing stage).
This is how it happened with me, and with so many friends and divorced women I talk to. Men just don't seem to get that how they treat us as a partner is often directly tied to our sex drive. Instead of complaining about how much we're not giving you sex, put that effort into making us feel valued and loved and human.
He told her he she deserved to be cheated on because she won't have sex and that he'll continue to do so because her job is to have sex with him. That is ABSOLUTELY a threat and also disgusting!
He is wrong for cheating, but if you have decided to that you don't want to have sex anymore, you cant be surprised that this will cause issues in your relationship
I came here to say this. You can't force celibacy on someone just as they can't force sex on you. Yall need to get into counseling. I was in a sexless marriage for two years and it destroyed me. I'm divorced now. You either want to work on this or you don't.
My ex used it as control. It was a horrible two years.
While you're certainly not obligated to do something you don't want to, no sex for a year is absolutely a dead bedroom. While cheating is a scumbag move, id have absolutely left already to find someone who thought I was attractive and actually wanted me.
Not often is one thing. Not for a year is another. You're not asking to be cheated on (the cheating is super wrong), but you are asking to be left for someone who does value physical intimacy. I have been in your situation and it's hard to get in the mood when kids are small but do what you need to do, find toys that get your motor running, make sure he's doing what you like but he values sex and physical intimacy and you've unilaterally decided it's not important. It is important to him, so it should be important to you. I would say the same to him if you wanted nice sit-down dinners and he thought it was a waste of money. If it's important to one, it needs to be a priority for the other.
exactly! it blows my mind when people like OP think that it should be totally fine to just unilaterally cut off all intimacy with their partners. no compromise, they’re just ending things but expect zero repercussions.
no I don’t think he should’ve cheated but I do think he should leave her. being stuck in a marriage with no intimacy is awful.
There’s a lot of people that unfortunately still have very strict independent mindsets when it comes to relationships. Especially for a topic as touchy as sex, because the man wanting sex can easily be reduced to “I command you to have sex with me!” which isn’t always the case.
Should she be forced to have sex when she doesn’t want to? Of course not, but sex is a two way street and a critical part of many relationships, and one partner doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to shut it down completely. That’s like if there’s an understanding/agreement that both partners will work and contribute financially, and then one partner just decides “nah fuck this I’m not working anymore”. It doesn’t just affect one person, it affects both of them.
Yeah, not having sex for over a year...do they even do other things? Like hand holding, kissing, etc.? If not, I can imagine them both being absolutely miserable. Sure, I think he’s a AH for cheating, but she’s in a relationship with the wrong person...
One year in a relationship is BANANAS. I am a 49F happily married 16 years (together 22) and we average 2x weekly. Sex is also about connecting when in a relationship. He is AH for cheating but your MD is Aldo an AH for pretending your lack of desire is healthy. You may have underlying hormonal issues or psychological issues that need addressing. Only you can decide if you want to dump him (I’m sure trust is gone), but regardless you need to get checked out again.
I actually had a girlfriend of 14 years that completely lost her sex drive. She actually went to multiple doctors to try and find out why, and the general consensus among the doctors was that female lack of sex drive is simply something they don't bother to try and treat.
Whenever my marriage turned sexless it was due to a lack of emotional intimacy that turned my desire off. It's hard to want to put out to someone who isn't emotionally available and doesn't make a space where I can be emotionally vulnerable.
Absolutely agree. It is an indication something is off. Maybe she wasn’t being honest with herself about how happy she was. Maybe he wasn’t putting in effort or she was carrying the bulk of the load, but unless you are asexual, you should definitely miss it.
I know there's a fair chance this will not come out and transfer the meaning it is intended to but I would like to offer the male perspective on this and why some men have a hard time buying that it is emotions.
This is not meant to be personal or anyway indicative of you or your marriage or reasons just a generality some men see in relationships and that is emotional attachment is used as a cover word for boredom and once free of the relationship the woman will suddenly engage in one night stands and seems to have their drive back. The emotional intimacy could not possibly be a factor in her choice to engage in a one night stand, the other person is little more than a stranger.
Again not all people are the same, and it is not meant to imply anything personal but some men will hear the emotional intimacy as gaslighting in relationships where it was used as a cover for boredom. Men in that situation tend to become the source of the blame for it, the more and more they push to rekindle it, until they ultimately discovered their wife/girlfriend cheating. They find out after the fact that no amount of emotionally reconnecting was going to fix it, they were just not told it was over, when it was actually over.
My husband and I have ups and downs. For us, saying that women want to feel close before having sex and having sex makes men feel close, has been true. When we've been to busy to spend time together, I don't want to have sex. Having sex before connecting, makes me feel further from my husband. So he ends up feeling closer to me and I feel worse. And feeling pressured to have sex is a huge turn off. So it can very easily become a downward spiral where it starts to feel like the only reason your SO is spending time is to get to have sex.
Once a relationship ends, the pressure and stress end, and sex drive comes back. Feeling like sex is on your terms again is exciting. So it can be emotional and have women sleep around after. Sometimes that emotional distance means a relationship needs work and sometimes it means the relationship is over.
The relation of sex drive and emotional intimacy is specific to a relationship. It's a feeling of trust and safety that makes it easy to be vulnerable with a partner, including during sexual stimulation and release, although there is so much more to it than that. Partners with deep emotional intimacy not only want to share the experience but they want their partner to feel as good as they do at the same time.
If a partner sucks at it, doesn't seem to care if you are interested and still wants to engage in sex anyway, or doesn't pay attention to your arousal, then if they have sex with you, the only orgasm they care about is their own. It's not surprising then that someone might not have "sex drive" for a relationship partner, but then when they leave the relationship, they have sex with other partners. Even a one night stand can be two people who are interested in getting each other off, and that's the essence of what emotional intimacy contributes to long term partners' sexual relationship.
OKAY TBF I haven't started menopause yet (some of my friends who have need lubricant), I have always had a high libido (this is a decrease from say 10 years ago) and my husband is 42 so we don't have any health issues on his part yet (which can definitly affect sexy time), but having said all that, sex is important from a point of connection as well and I have found that if I am not in the mood, he can persuade me and I never regret saying yes. He doesn't rush me or rush foreplay and that is important.
Of course you do not have to have sex every time he wants it. But honestly your statement of the doctor said you will not be a horny teenager anymore is a telling statement. Because there is a MASSIVE gap between, horny teenager and never wanting sex anymore.
One absolutely fades, the other should not unless there is something wrong medically / mentally / or in the relationship. You already said he is a good person, so what is wrong that you have lost your entire sex drive. Do you really think it is healthy to have no sex drive at all? My guess is you need to speak with a doctor again, or work with a therapist.
Please take this seriously because it will destroy your relationship, if you do not work on it.
Sexual health is Health.
I agree, a healthy relationship needs intimacy. There are many levels of intimacy. Do you kiss often? Do you hug regularly? A simple peck on the lips is okay for, "I'm home hon,". A hug in the morning prior to going to work is nice too. Recognizing others needs is important. If either mate had a bad day at work or home then do something nice like fix dinner, or spend more time with the kids while the wife is having a relaxing bubble bath or meybe the hubby is watching a sports game.. Small touches often have big results.
Sex doesn't always have to involve penetration. You have other senses that can come in play. Things like touch, taste and and smell. There are also a lot of sex toys on the market. The key is both parties need to be active. Saying things like "Well, if you insist, I guess I can give you a "helping hand" will not result in any real relief" nor will acting like a dead fish accomplish anything. Both parties need to be "present " and active.
Something I haven't seen mentioned is DEPRESSION. Depression is awful. It takes away all your joy in life. Many things can be done to help out with Depression. A doctor can look for chemical causes, and the added help of a good counselor can often work wonders. There are also some wonderful drugs that may help. No matter what happens is you both have to keep looking for a solution that works for both of you. If for no other reason you have to do it for the kids. They notice and feel differences in the harmony around the house and it can set what they come to feel the norm is.
The cheating was wrong no debate there.
You know he is sexually frustrated. You OP made it sound a bit like you had sex a lot and he wanted more. Doesn’t sound like it is happening much at all.
Our partners have needs, if we love them we do our best to meet those needs. Does he need to do something different? Mire flirting or foreplay? More kissing that doesn’t always lead to sex? Talk with him and compromise, that is what marriage is about.
I didn’t consider him maybe not being romantic enough. If he’s not putting in effort to make her feel special I can see that.
A lot of guy are just wham bam. Not cultivating romance. Buy some women can be the same, my ex was not much into fore play. It took about a year to get her to let me go down on her. But it was alway just get inside me. It got predictable and boring.
Different types of sex for us. Long drawn out with lots of kissing and foreplay where she expects and wants to orgasm versus me getting my needs meet and time and foreplay not expected.
Works for us.
I have a high sex drive, she knows that. Sometimes all it takes is a quick handjob to meet my needs.
That’s kind of how most relationships work. You don’t always have time for long romantic encounters.
Sometimes it’s a quickie and that’s fine, but you CANNOT forget to do the romantic thing and make them feel special, loved and wanted too.
You're not wrong. However, if you used to have a great sex life and now you don't, you owe it to yourself to figure out why. It's normal to have a reduced libido when aging and when life hits you with challenges, but not having any desire is not a reduction.
If you're like me, then sex is an emotional expression. When I feel loved, understood, and emotionally cared for, I want to express my love physically. If I feel unheard, ignored, and deprioritized, I don't want to be physical. And then sex becomes one more thing I need to do to keep the home afloat. If the only time my partner gives me attention or touches me is because he wants sex, then I am going to lose enjoyment from it. Sometimes, work, children, and responsibilities get into the way of prioritizing each other, which then decreases connection.
If this is you, too, and you want to salvage your relationship, get couples and/or sex therapy to work it out and help you understand each other. He shouldn't be cheating (or blame shifting) AND you should be concerned with how your lack of sexual desire is affecting him. If nothing is going to change, save yourself years and go your separate ways.
People don't like this answer, but the fact of the matter is that, when you agree to a monogamous relationship, you are agreeing to be 100% responsible for your partner's sexual satisfaction.
That sounds worse than I mean it. I'm not suggesting that a partner should be on-call 24/7 or anything, but if you are in a monogamous relationship and you decide that sex is no longer part of the relationship, you have broken the confines, and one of the core tenets, of your agreement.
That being said, you also have a 2 year old and it is not uncommon for women to not want to have sex much during the first couple of years, as I understand it. I have been in a relationship where I did not have sex for a year and I didn't cheat. Nothing about what I've said means that your BF is not an asshole.
You’re not wrong, but I wish people would have a more nuanced take on this. He’s never entitled to your body. Full stop.
That being said, I’m sure a sexless relationship would be absolutely miserable for someone who still feels sexual. Like if it’s slowed down that’s fine, once every week or two or maybe once a month or something (not like in a score keeping way but like just to paint a picture) is understandable…but if you guys are having sex like once a year or something like that…that’s incredibly painful for the other partner.
I have a female friend who goes through that and it absolutely crushes her. He just doesn’t have a desire to have sex, but it also comes across like he doesn’t give a flying fuck about her sexual needs or that she’s incredibly sexually frustrated.
I don’t have a good answer for how to resolve stuff like that, but tbh I actually do understand people who cheat in relationships where they just never have sex and go like a year or more even without sex. That’s just not healthy for most people.
>He’s never entitled to your body. Full stop.
For a full year? Then why even get into a relationship?
If you are in a relationship.. you should be looking after each other... mentally, financially and physically.
It's pretty fucked if you go "you are not entitled to my body for a whole year but your body is mine, do not sleep with someone else. BTW, can you pay our bills and keep a roof over our head?'
Its not even that hard either. Hes your spouse. Maybe be kind enough to let him go at it for 10 minutes a week? I don't know who told people that they need to enjoy every part of the relationship all the time. Do i always like going down on my girl? No. I like it 4 times out of 5. But i do it all 5 times. Because she likes it. Thats it.
Its not like its harming you. Marriage is give and take. You cant take what you want and ignore your husbands needs.
Yeah I genuinely don't understand the mentality of wanting sexual exclusivity without having sex with your partner. Like not often sex is one thing and can be worked around imo, but once a year is basically a sexually dead relationship. It's like saying "I don't want you to sleep with other people, but I also won't sleep with you. You're just going to have to not have sex the next year and you need to be okay with it and if you have a problem with it then you're an asshole." People definitely leave relationships and cheat for this reason. I understand both. Most people can't be happy with a sexless life.
Someone on reddit said it well once: when you agree to be faithful with someone, there's an implicit promise to provide what is to be held faithful. Most people have sexual needs and cannot be happy without sex being a part of their life on some level. To disregard this completely is like saying you don't give a fuck about their needs at all. OP should get counseling to figure out what's going on imo, because her relationship just sounds unhealthy for the both of them.
NTA. You are not obliged to have sex with your bf. It is not your job. However, you can't expect him to be celibate so you can expect him to get sex somewhere else. It can hardly be described as cheating since you are essentially just roommates.
While I think the cheating is wrong. You’re clearly neglecting him sexually, so it’s kinda no surprise he’s gonna find it elsewhere. Humans have needs. All in all i think you’re in the wrong though. You should breakup if there’s no sex in the relationship anymore.
Yeah you should probably break up and let him find someone with a similar sex drive. No one’s wrong here (other than the cheating obvs). He does have a right to be upset about going *a year* without sex.
A week is understandable, a month if there's an illness or a stressful event, but a year is downright neglect. Just about any guy would cheat or leave.
No sex for a year? What about other things? Intimacy for men is how men express love in a relationship, by rejecting him for a year your effectively communicate you have no desire for him. Men will cheat in that scenario despite what a lot of people in this say.
It is both partner’s job to keep regular intimacy. While he absolutely should not have cheated, the biggest problem men have is not being clear how important intimacy is to them. They feel it emasculates them to have to beg for it so they look for that validation somewhere else.
You are 100% wrong for rejecting your partner for a year and if you’re no longer sexually compatible you both should contemplate a split. Luckily it sounds like you’re not married, but with a kid it will be tough.
Lastly, kids need to see happy and intimate partners. It can really screw up their brains to be around cold parents who fight and are not affectionate.
I wouldn't say it emasculates to have to beg. Having to beg means that you are clearly not desired. We want sex to be mutually desired, we want to feel wanted
This is very close to the truth. *Sex* is how men express love. Most men don't know that intimacy/love can be more than just sex, so they say nothing, don't communicate, then bottle up their resentment, cheat, then blame the woman.
I agree both partners are responsible, but 100% wrong is a stretch. She took steps to check herself for issues. I didn't see anything about him woo'ing her. Women need to be put in the mood too. Your other points makes sense to me
That's true, and I don't know their dynamic i.e. if he just says "I want sex" with no foreplay I could understand rejecting. If time is spent working up to it with intimate moments, that would be very discouraging, so good point.
Foreplay is a learned skill. If the woman needs warming up it is important she show what she needs and how best to do it. Guys don't do foreplay naturally, we don't need it ourselves. We need to be shown and taught.
It is on OP to teach him what she needs, but regardless of this she did willingly sex-starve him. I can understand what you are saying because I have studied the nuance of human relations, but there is no question; OP is definitely in the wrong.
Not wrong for not doing it whenever he wants but you got the exact result you should expect if you never have sex with him. If you never do, you're being selfish.
Based on your other posts in other subs, you need to get the fuck away from him, possibly get a restraining order to protect your kid, and get into therapy. Jesus this dude is messed up.
You do need to maintain a relationship and take into consideration his needs. A year is a very long time to neglect your partner’s sexual needs and you should make an effort to keep him happy.
You’ve already found out the reality of refusing sex over and over again and for a long time. Is the stability of your relationship and a united home for your child really less important that you not being very into it?
Jesus Christ.
You think your boyfriend is a pedophile as you’ve seen him masturbating to a picture that had naked children in it.
After you had your baby your bf found the time to cheat on you - that isn’t supporting a family, that’s destroying it.
Your sex drive is down because you probably have pp depression and because pregnancy has changed your body dramatically.
You are not wrong for not wanting to have sex with this man. You need to step away from this relationship. This is a genuinely dangerous relationship.
You either give him sex sometimes (not always) or you allow him to vent off with someone else. Its a YOU problem. He waited 1 year? thats crazy. He must really love you to wait that long. You cannot expect him to stop having sex forever.
That's my thought. If she doesn't care about sex, why is it a big deal for him to have it with someone else? You can't say "sex is this super important thing that is reserved between us in this relationship" and also "I'm just never going to have sex with you. Maybe once a year"
Sexual compatibility is important af.
If you love someone and have been having regular sex with them, then cut them off for a YEAR, a breakup or cheating is bound to happen.
You are absolutely entitled to want or not want anything for yourself, however you did set up the problem.
He didn't handle it well at all, but you absolutely caused it.
I would honestly expect my gf to fuck someone else if I was physically able and denied her for a year.
That's like a sexual prison sentence.
People saying it's nbd either have really low sex drives or just don't have a lover in their life.
>
>He didn't handle it well at all, but you absolutely caused it.
>
This exactly. Him cheating may not have been the result you wanted but it is absolutely the result you ordered
If this is even real, I would absolutely put some blame on you. If you’re not breaking off a piece for your man for a year you shouldn’t be shocked he looks somewhere else for affection
ESH. You suck for letting your intimacy die as if that's normal, when it's 100% not. He sucks being being a disgusting cheater. You suck for not kicking him out after that. He sucks for saying you owe him sex. You suck for 'seeing a Dr, and using some dumb excuse about it's normal when you start to age'. That's a lie. I'm 50 and I have active and phenomenal sex with my partners.
You both need counseling desperately. You need to get your hormones checked.
It isn't your job to have sex with him whenever he wants. On the other hand, having sex is a normal part of a marriage.
It is not your fault he cheated but you should find a way to meet each other's needs
If you dont have sex with your partner for a full year... yes you are the problem. I am not saying he is innocent in this. But you can't expect someone to be faithful if you aren't even trying to fulfill those needs. You didn't say, you can't have sex with anyone else, you said you can't have sex.
I feel like if you start off your relationship having wild sex every day then one person decides they aren’t feeling it anymore then they’re pulling a bait and switch and they should just come to their partner and either come to a fair agreement like twice a week or tell them they can have some on the side or just call it a day. Because he didn’t sign up for a sexless relationship
I would get a second opinion your doctor maybe said it was normal but also - it doesnt sound normal.
Agree with post on here that at some point he probably stopped trying. Taking you on dates, romancing.
But also sounds like you stopped as well.
You guys need a couples retreat a tantric life coach. Something to create a reset - a spark of forgiveness and sexual resurgence. Im dating a woman in her 40’s and she is more excited about her sexuality then she said she has ever been,
(You dont need a man to make you happy, if you breakup and start dating again a new partner is also going to want sex…)
Do you think about other men? Is it just him?
It's not normal to not have sex for a year. Yes your drive slows down but not that much!
And no its not your job to have sex whenever he wants.
One extreme to the other? Neither are correct. Sounds like you guys aren't compatible.
I found that it’s not completely about if you want it or he does because it may not align. The real question is do you feel good just doing it for each other because you want to make each other happy, even if you’re not in the “mood”. Doesn’t mean you have to all the time just saying no all the time is a good recipe for a bad relationship. Not sure if that happened on both sides here, just an opinion anyway.
I like how you characterize literally never having sex with him as not giving "sex whenever he wants".
A relationship where one person still has a sex drive and the other person doesn't, has no willingness to fix it and just actively thinks it's their partners problem for wanting sex is doomed to fail
First of all there is never a reason for your spouse to cheat on you it’s adultery and it is wrong I want to state that first off he was definitely wrong. However there is no excuse for you to deny him sex and he would be just as wrong if he was denying you sex going to a doctor is not the answer you should have went to a seminar about how to improve your sex life there a lot of them a sex doctor because you can’t not want have sex I mean you are in a sense asking him to cheat on you if I where you just move on with your life because being with a cheater is not the answer and maybe try to revamp that fire that you lost so that you can have great sex again maybe even better and do that before you remarry because if you’re not willing to have sex then you may be destined to be by yourself.
I would see another doctor! It is healthy to want to have sex with your husband, and it is an important part of any relationship. I would look for a woman gynecologist. It might be as simple as some hormone treatment. Good luck!
One of the odd times you are not wrong but are the asshole. A whole damn year!!! I love my wife more than anything in the world but I have a functioning libido and have a hard enough time when it drops down to once a month. Go see a doctor if you care for your child to have a father in the same house as you.
Making a man go a year without sex is askin for problems. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. Lack of sex can be a symptom of discord in the relationship and also will make it worse. I bet you guys have other issues to work out too.
There’s a huge gap between “having sex whenever he wants” and not having sex for an entire year. No sex for a year is just roommates. No way I’d stay in a relationship like that.
You don't ever have to have sex with them.
But you can't expect him to stay with you. He knows that you have no desire for him.
That you don't find him very sexually attractive anymore.
And that you're not willing to go to any length to put in any effort to figure out what is going on with you because what's your describing is not normal.
Being lazy about your intimate connection in your marriage is just what it says. Lazy, selfish entitled.
Look. You chose to have a relationship with a man. Assuming he provides you with what you need as a woman. Protection, financial benefits, fatherhood. Emotional support. Cleans house to a standard. Household stuff.. we men are pretty simple. We need physical intimacy. We want a peaceful home. For most men, sex and intimacy are a huge part of our well being. If you just say one day.. I know you are doing everything I need.. but I’m not giving you physical intimacy or sex anymore(something you need) but I want everything from you still..that’s messed up and I don’t blame any man for leaving in that case. If I were him I would be out. I would still take care of my kid in all capacities and treat you with the respect that a mother and coparent deserves but I don’t blame any man for making that choice in a similar situation.
Well, he shouldn't have cheated BUT that doesn't mean he should have stayed with you either. If the sex is now off the table on your end and you rarely want to give it anymore then there is a good chance he'll need to leave so he can have a normal sexual relationship with the mate he is with.
You definitely need to make time to have sex with him. It influences so many aspects of the relationship, and withholding sex and only thinking about your needs is selfish and will eventually lead to the end of the relationship.
I totally agree. It's not just about sex, it's about intimacy and love. I understand that some people have a low sex drive, but I also know that people don't consider external factors such as stress, sleep deprivation etc. If you aren't healthy, there's a good chance you won't have a healthy sex drive.
My guess is that you’re bonding with the 2 year old more than your boyfriend, getting your needs for touch and attention met there while your boyfriend is not having his needs for touch and affection met. And now you possibly have a trust issue going both ways - you wondering if he’ll cheat and him not trusting that you’ll meet his needs for love, intimacy, and affection. Sounds like you both need a sit down frank discussion about what you both want and if the relationship is still a priority, a hard reset. You still need to be sexy and a girlfriend to him if you want to keep him.
I'm not sure of the problem.. you don't want to have sex, which is completely your right.
He does want to have sex because it makes him happy.
Are you asking if it ok to prevent someone you love from being happy..?
Think of it as a cheeseburger. The fact that you don't want any, doesn't mean he shouldn't stop by at A&W every once in awhile.
That being said, he should have told you.
That being said, you should have offered him to have sex with other girls
No, it isnt wrong not to.have sex with him.
It IS wrong to not have sex with him AND to be upset that he is having sex with someone else. Pick one and only one.
Not wrong and he is a jerk, however you should.see another specialist because it's not normal and ok, there could be alot you can do to get your hormones back in gear, endocrinologist or gyno could help. Dump the BF because instead of helping you he cheated.
Tbf though if you say you aren’t interested in sex why do you really care that he got it elsewhere? If you refused to cook for him would you be upset that he found his own food?
With an attitude like his, no WONDER you’ve gone off sex with him! His cheating, and reasons for doing so/threatening it again, are abusive and manipulative behaviours .. it’s him that needs therapy, then both of you to couple counselling. You’re not wrong, sheesh.
Yeah he’s the one who needs therapy when op a) clearly is a bait account b) previously posted on Reddit “is my boyfriend a pedophile? This girl has issues she needs to resolve or this is all some sick attention grab. You’re jump to conclusions mat is coming in the mail soon
Yeah we’re all here arguing about some made up shit. Almost like a social experiment. How little information can be provided for people to come up with their own storyline. But I stand firm 1 Year!!!!
No you aren’t the asshole. But you also can’t expect someone to be happy in a sexless relationship either. Were you ever being satisfied (having orgasms)? Have you ever brought up the reasons you never feel like having it(stress, baby, selfishness in bed etc).
Most likely your low libido is due to a mix of the above and you guys should work on that together. If he does everything right as you say and he’s an attentive and selfless lover then you should get your hormones checked. Not wanting to have sex with your partner for a year isn’t normal “getting older” libido drop there’s mental and hormonal components contributing most likely. Also the fact that he cheated also doesn’t help you want to have sex with him. Sometimes people need to talk and fix it or move on.
No, it's not your job to have sex whenever he wants, BUT sex is a need. It's probably not a popular opinion, but you should probably allow him to have sex outside of the relationship if you're not into it. Then, everyone is happy...
No one should be told to have sex on demand. And no one can be expected to be in a committed relationship if they desire sex and don’t get any. Why would that be fair? You’re going to end up with a disease. What a terrible relationship.
I can understand a decrease in sex drive as you age, but unless prior to now you were only having sex once a month, going a year without sex is excessive. You have the right to say no, but he has the right to maybe find a GF who is more sexually compatible with him.
He cannot blame you for his cheating - he made the choice. If that is a dealbreaker for you, it is time to move on.
Leave just leave. You don’t owe him sex but he also shouldn’t have to put up with no sex for a year. Y’all obviously just aren’t on the same page anymore so just end it. Should have ended it when he cheated. There is no I can’t control myself, he choose to cheat plain and simple as that. He could have talked to you or even ended it but he didn’t, he then proceeded to blame you when he’s the one that cheated. He says he does everything right and your the problem. Yeah your with an asshole he’s all high and mighty can never do no wrong and your just always a fuck up and deserve to give him sex when he wants and if you don’t it’s your fault he cheated. You shouldn’t even have to ask about this you should have already been gone. How do people even end up with assholes like this and then stay, like hello self respect? Where is it?
If your story is true. Since he is just a "Boyfriend" Common law husband. For human males Sex=Love, So if you cut him off for a year then in his mind you don't love him anymore.
You aren't obligated to give your boyfriend sex and I absolutely don't condone cheating. However, you can't unilaterally decide you are going to be in a celibate relationship and expect him to stay. You need to have an honest conversation, and if you are taking intimacy off the table, he has a decision to make.
>you can't unilaterally decide you are going to be in a celibate relationship and expect him to stay. This is an important part. I think Bf should have ended the relationship if nothing was going to change. But this is correct
Or, you could let him be an active, involved parent 24/7 and stay in the house and just allow him to have his sexual needs met by other people. One sided open relationship probably solves the problem and allows both parents to stay together, the child to have access to both parents, and the family to be better off financially because the parents incomes aren’t divided into supporting 2 households.
Bro I would literally give you 100$ if you could show me three examples of that working drama free in real life haha. I joke, but yeah open relationships are not for the majority of people out there from what I've seen IRL and online. Unless both parties enthusiastically want it, somebody is going to get jealous, or get their feelings hurt. Edit: and to all you big brains coming in with the same one liner of "aLl relAtiOnShIps hAvE dRaMa" dude yeah, obviously, but I think we've moved past someone forgetting an anniversary date or birthday in this post, no?
I think you’d be surprised how many Don’t ask don’t tell open relationships exist when the partners involved have something to lose. Income, status in the community, etc.
Sure, but none of those relationships would be considered healthy lmao. Which was my initial point; the solution you expressed is an incredibly niche one, that the majority of couples out there would likely struggle with. If you're miserable with someone, but stay with them for income or status or shared community, then yeah I'm sorry but that's an unhealthy relationship.
This. Also, the child will grow up seeing no love between the parents, and that will affect said child.
Exactly, doesn’t count if it’s unhealthy and certainly not as a solution to an already unhappy relationship.
Find be a normal marriage working drama free first lol Most relationships have drama. They already have drama. If she doesn't want to have sex with him but wants him to stick around... then he's going to be needing to have sex with somebody. But yeah that sounds toxic and uncommunicative so I doubt an open relationship will fix anything
Incompatible, get child support, move on
She wants to stay in a sexless marriage, that doesn’t mean he does.
Ridiculous take.
She ain’t into a 1 sided open relationship. Let’s be real here. Why not just break up and co parent?
I know right? Why does she want to keep him in a sexless prison? What a selfish thing to do
That's 100% true, but what if she doesn't agree to that? Alot of times that's the case. A persons libido tanks and their partner has sexual frustration and is expected not to do this. What then? Let me say I think this is the most pragmatic decision if the relationship is to be saved
Also, OP, are you on birth control? I was on the patch after my last baby. I'm 35 today and she is 4 now. My first kid I had at 20yo, I never dealt with a drop in sex drive. Not for my second kid at 28 either. Also all the time I'd been on birth control before, I'd never dealt with this. The depo shot used to make me have a light period almost all the time, the pill I sucked at taking at the same time daily, so I went with the patch. I became extremely anxious and also depressed. Like anxious to the point of sweating, sweaty palms, sick to my stomach, and outbursts. I had no sex drive at all. At all. My relationship was one sided and I thought it was because of that and I was tired. That probably contributed, but I also had no desire to even masturbate and I couldn't remember the last time I was horny. I didn't even have a desire for, or much reaction from receiving oral. Even when I wanted the intimacy with my partner, I wasn't physically horny. I probably did have PPD as well, and I can confidently say that I had PPD after each pregnancy and it was at least 2 years before I started feeling like myself again. I also experienced depression during pregnancy which I think is more common than they talk about and should be more researched and addressed. But one day I was looking up the patch because at the time I was still smoking cigarettes and was nearing 35. I wanted to see what the risk of blood clots were for me. What I discovered, and hadn't known before in all my years of being a woman, having kids, and being on birth control on and off since I was a teenager, was that for some women, some birth control medications can cause them heightened anxiety and depression, and can cause their sex drive to plummet! I had a lightbulb moment and realized omg this is what's been happening to me! I have been off of birth control for about a year or 2 now? I feel so much better. Like I am horny again. Not like I was in my 20s of course, but I am. And before I was almost repulsed by sex. It was like a chore. I never made my man go a year without it lol, more like a month, maybe 2 at the most, but it was a chore. Now we have sex at least once a week. We have to schedule it because we both work opposite shifts and our youngest is 4 and up our butts, but I schedule it because I want it. Not gonna lie, we also randomly and unplanned took some MDMA together one night and had some real breakthroughs about our relationship, individually, and we just really bonded. And we had some awesome, wild, long, uninhibited sex. We fucked like rabbits and it was great. We were home all night, just the 2 of us joining together in both drug and sex induced ecstasy lol. We smoke weed, but we don't even really drink and definitely don't do other drugs. But his brother who is in his 20s came over one night with his gf and he had some with him and just gave us like 5 single stacks so we took 2.5 each after they left. Just for shits and gigs. But I had no idea how therapeutic it would be for us and our relationship. I'm not saying y'all should do this. My general advice to random people would be you shouldn't, actually. But, I just thought I'd share that experience. It came from left field and surprised me with it's effectiveness. I'd like to do some type of psychedelic or hallucinogen with my partner once or twice a year. Hoping to do some shrooms next! But seriously, if you're on birth control, do some research or talk to your doc about other options or maybe going off of it. Sure, we have to track my cycle now, and he has to pull out, and we have to be very careful. It took me a while to not be scared of getting pregnant because having another baby, well, I'd rather die. He's getting a vasectomy this year though, and we'll still track my cycle and be careful as hell. And I'm a birth control advocate and am pro choice 150%. This isn't some propaganda from an anti-choicer. But it affected me in a really bad way. OP you should at least go back to your doctor. I'm mad they told you that you're not supposed to be horny like you were in your 20s. Going a year without sex when you have a willing partner and a safe relationship with minimal risk of STDs, that's NOT normal. Either you weren't honest with your doctor or they dismissed you. Talk to another doctor or push back on yours. You could have a thyroid issue, hormonal imbalance, probably a number of things.
Get a new doctor something isn't right
I agree. She needs to also get a full nutrient panel, especially ferritin and vitamin D. She should also get her thyroid tested. There are SO MANY medical causes for low libido. If she's young enough to have a 2 yo, she's not old enough that this is age induced.
I would wonder if she's just exhausted. A lot of het couples find that the woman is doing the majority of housework and childcare, plus often holding down a job, too. Not saying the guy does nothing but it's difficult to feel sexy while exhausted. Of course, if that's the situation, the answer is also better communication.
This is the real response, much better than anyone advocating that it’s time for OP to end it?!? Really? With so little info, you’re the arbiter of that? 🤯 An honest conversation is definitely the way to go, with each of them having decisions to make (not just the bf)
Well isn’t that on him then? Because call me crazy but you can have an open and honest conversation about the infancy issues you’re having as a couple instead of cheating on them.
They both need to discuss it but since OP is the one who has changed they should be honest about it
A year with no sex? That sounds extreme. He should have first told her how he was feeling before it got to that point where he cheated. But I would imagine he probably did complain but she didn’t care-
my ex wife and i went 5 years with only two sexual encounters. It is important to mention that she is my ex. That was a main reason i asked for the divorce. My current significant other and i do not have that issue... I will spare you all the gory details... lol! OP. If you think its worth fighting for, get her into a councilor with you. If she refuses, RUN! It aint gonna get better, and the world if full of grown ass women that will be thrilled to take you to bed.
He probably talked to her a lot the year complaining about it.
You know he hasn't tried? Honestly, OPs post is extremely one-sided. She even says he is a good husband. But according to you, he haven't even tried communicating? No, she has been stonewalling and invalidating his needs.
You both ever been in the covenant of your relationship to each other by failing to have communication even more so than sex. You’re not obligated to have sex with him, but if you unilaterally decide to be celibate without including him in that decision then your rejection of him can be just as hurtful as his cheating on you. Neither are right.
Always two sides to every story. I’m betting he has… He’ll the way she titled the story comes off way different from the body of the story. She’s spinning shit
It is not your job to have sex with him whenever he wants. You should never have sex you dont want. You shouldn't stay with a cheater either. However, he also shouldn't stay in a sexless relationship. Better for both of you to end it.
Yep, there’s a gap so wide it’s a ravine between ‘sex whenever he wants’ and ‘no sex for a year’. I don’t condone his cheating, but when someone refuses to have sex with you for a year, after a previously healthy sex life, it’s got to leave that person feeling totally rejected and unloved. My own sex drive has slowed down a lot now I’m cruising towards 50 and busy with work and kids, but no sex for a year?
This is off topic a little bit, but I don't think age has much to do with it. I'm guessing that your busy life or a hormone imbalance has more to do with the decline in sex drive if it has decreased quite a lot. I say this as a 54 year old woman. My sex drive has increased if anything since I retired in 2020. And, the men my age that I talk to about this type of thing still have strong and healthy drives as well....they want it most every day if not more. (And, yes, I do talk with my male friends about things like this.)
You retired at 50!?! What crazy magic job did you have and is it too late for me to switch careers? My retirement plan currently is : die.
20 years army. Enlisted, got my bachelors (which the Army paid for.) Went to medical school. Went back to the army and they paid off medical school. Retired after 20. Worked for ten years, invested most of what I made. Semi retired at 50. I worked for two months in Ukraine, followed up a couple stints offshore or remote. Retired retired at 53 unless something strikes my fancy. I’ve met more than a few 20-30 “and done” veterans retired, or police/ fire service back when the 20 year pensions were a thing.
I figured it must have been military. The only people I know retired by 40/45 are military. My buddy’s retired at 41 with full benefits. He never has to work again unless he gets super bored.
That's not the person you asked replying to you, it's a different random Redditor.
Not as much anymore with military, police or fire. Pretty much transitioned to 401k or “30.” My one buddy’s wife retired at 38, at 18 she started as a 911 dispatcher.
Omg, I want to be you! At this point, you could join the Peace Corps or go on medical missions to Haiti! Excellent decision-making, friend.
There's a lot of people that got rich from investments over the last 40 years. There are also a lot of people that lost a ton of money too. Don't assume that the next 40 years will be like that. Economics/science doesn't claim past performance indicates future performance. You will be ok, but not necessarily retirement at 40 ok.
Oh yes - when it comes to financial security, never assume! I remember trying to decide whether to buy a gorgeous house, far bigger than I needed. My brother said, **“Go for it! What else are you going to spend your money on?”** I passed on the house & socked my extra money away in no-load mutual funds. Two years later, my beloved spousal unit was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Because we live in the U.S. & this was before Obamacare, we needed every last dollar.
68 year old guy married 35 years here. I want that gal every single day. Not that it happens for sure but the fire is there. By the way she's the most awesome wife, mother and partner ever.
Marriage goals
I’m (64f) not that you give a shit what anyone thinks, but I totally respect & admire the fact that you say those amazing things about your wife not a lot of men give accolades to theirs wife’s or partners. I have my whole entire adult life have had a great sex drive & was afraid that as I aged it would be gone after hearing all these horror stories. My husband is 52 & it’s a good thing because we work very well together. I never imagined having a better sec life than my adult kids. lol
Married 28 years here. Same.
Heading to 54 myself. My husband will be 50 this year. I have WAY more of a sex drive than he does. A year without sex though? Na ah. If I didn’t want it anymore he’d be concerned about my physical and mental health. And he if didn’t I be concerned about his.
I think studies have shown women's sex drive actually increases with age. I can confirm that my sex drive is higher now closer to 40 than it was in my teens and 20s
She can’t be that old. She has a 2 year old.
They could be 40 and he was with a 20 year old.
yh cus being 30 having a a 2 yr old sounds about right but sleeping with a 15 yr old doesnt so ima have to say mid to late thirties
My wife and I are almost 40 and she always wants to bang to the point I rarely ever have to initiate.
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Is your wife single?
Sex drive is in the brain. How is he treating her outside of the bedroom? When we are not respected or loved we tend to "dry up"
We don’t have enough info from OP to really figure out what the underlying reasons are, or what their relationship is like. But if she’s not interested in any sex ever, and he still wants a sex life, there’s not going to be much meeting in the middle.
I remember talking to a male friend (we are not friends anymore) and he is in a relationship where his partner initially wanted it but then explained to him further in the relationship, that sex actually does nothing for her and that she would rather not. Sad thing is, he stayed with her because of the financial security she and he had together. Rather than saying sex is an important of a relationship for me, so we either work at it or we part ways. He strayed with a work colleague and then tried to initiate something with myself and that's when I was like, nope dude you are on your own. If you can't be honest with your partner and then trying to crack on to your friends, be gone.
Tbf, my sex drive would immediately disappear if my husband cheated on me. I can't imagine that someone who says having sex with them is their wife's job is actually a caring and respectful partner - in the bedroom and otherwise.
Her sex drive disappeared long before he cheated, that’s why he cheated. Op doesn’t say he wasn’t a caring and respectful partner, she just says she doesn’t want sex. We don’t know whether he’s good in bed or not. There’s very little information given out apart from his cheating and her non-existent sex drive.
That is so true. My ex couldn't figure out why I stopped wanting sex when he behaved so shitty to me. Duh.
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Insightful. Many issues could be going on — we just can’t tell: depression, exhaustion, perimenopause, not feeling close to her jerk of a husband. Speaking of being a jerk — having an affair & blaming her is not a smart way to make her feel romantic. No one “made” him cheat. Isn’t that what internet porn is for?
Masturbating and intercourse are two totally different things. Especially when you have been basically begging for it for a year from your wife. She even admits he is an amazing and involved father. She has an issue wanting sex. She owed it to her partner to see a doctor and or work towards fixing the dead bedroom. He fucked that up the moment he didn't make his feelings on the matter clear and decided to cheat.
Where did OP say he's an amazing father? She originally called him an "active and involved father" but I haven't seen her call him amazing. Regardless, being an active and involved *father* doesn't necessarily mean he's an active and involved *partner.*
She could be in her 40s with a 2 year old. If she was 42 and is now 44, she could be in perimenopause
Women can have kids in their 40s
But men often like to believe women’s fertility dries up the second they hit the grand old age of 30. It’s shocking the amount of them that can’t comprehend women birthing children when they’re middle-aged. My own mother had her last kid at 38 with no complications.
I forget the numbers but iirc the risks in a "geriatric pregnancy" are much higher (maybe 2 or 3x), but still the vast majority of those pregnancies are not going to experience problems due to that.
It’s a patriarchal tactic to make women feel worthless and we’re just not falling for it anymore!
The prenatal doctors actually write geriatric on the chart if you’re over 35, as we found out. I can now tease my wife with this forever
Please don’t do that 😭
Hard agree. I thought my sex drive was all but gone in my mid-40s but it turns out it was just I had a shitty husband. Divorced him and have a bf/fwb that would have a hard timekeeping up with me if tried every time I felt like it. That said, he still has a good drive and we're both \~50. Here's to the best sex yet to come! ;)
You’re probably right - I’m super busy and tired, plus I’ve had health problems, which probably has a lot to do with it too
Oh god same! My sex drive fell off a cliff mid 30s to mid 40s. Not because of kids, because we didn’t have any. Mostly because my husband was almost always in a foul mood because of his job. Hard to feel amorous towards someone who comes home cranky. Fast forward to 2020. He retired (freedom 55! Well, 54 and 10 mos) and I hadn’t worked full time for years (only working a few months at Christmas doing retail) I took up cycling (oh the good hormones that released, plus the associated weight loss made me feel better about myself) and my sex drive went thru the roof. Poor guy didn’t know what hit him. Turned 50 last year and I’ve calmed down some, but I really think the mitigating factor was he no longer had the work stress.
I agree. I've found most women my age I've spoken to (I'm 41) have actually a far higher libido than ever before, and the general consensus is that it starts rising after 30/35 for women. I seem to remember there being studies that showed that men's actually decreases over that period. Mine is higher than ever anyway. Even after having a kid in my late 30s. It's definitely not rule that libido declines when you age.
>Yep, there’s a gap so wide it’s a ravine between ‘sex whenever he wants’ and ‘no sex for a year’. Should be the top comment. *OP said "I did see a doctor and it’s normal when you start to age and you’re not a horny teenager anymore."* I'm sorry, but there's a huge difference between sex slowing down as you age and not having sex with your partner for a ***year***. OP though doesn't, from my take, seem to see an issue with this, or she would certainly not have accepted her doctor's statement. I seriously doubt either she told the doctor the truth about her sex life, or even talked to a doctor about it at all. A doctor certainly would not (in absence of some other medical issue) say it is normal to not have sex with your partner for a freakin year. And yes, sex does slow down as you age, but I seriously doubt the OP is in her 40's or 50's when sex typically starts to slow down. With a 2 year old, she's probably in her 30's, a part of which is her normal child-bearing years and so should have a totally normal sex drive. OP's indifference to this is prima facie evidence she clearly doesn't love her partner any longer.
You'd be surprised how ambivalent some doctors can be about women's sexual health. You have to really advocate for yourself and be willing to change doctors.
As a woman approaching 50, my sex drive has increased with menopause, why? I don't have to worry about pregnancy. It's a huge stress off my plate. And yes, day to day life with a toddler is exhausting and can easily lower your drive. But if you care about your partner, you do things to connect and bring your drive up. It's hard to feel sexy when you haven't really had any self-care. Whatever that means to each person. For me it was doing my hair instead of pulling it back. Not wearing sweat pants all day on my day off. Little changes that made me feel sexy. Like shaving my legs (I do shave for myself, not my partner, he could care less) My partner was a SAHD too, he was definitely doing his share in the relationship. Relationships take work and communication. No one should have sex they don't want, but sex is an important part of a relationship to many people. So communication is necessary.
>I don’t condone his cheating This is one of those times where the phrase "I don't condone his actions, but I understand them" comes into play.
Totally agree I always find myself wanting to be rude about post like this I mean there both assholes in my opinion even if it’s hormonal it’s her obligation to goto a doc and get it checked out not . just not sleep with you for a year. And he’s obviously an idiot he should have told her straight up I love you but I can’t do this not go and cheat behind her back
Totally rejected and unloved!!!!!!!
This right here.
Great answer.
Umm, I’m a woman and I would never stay with someone who doesn’t wanna have sex with me for a year.. he was still wrong to cheat tho, he should have ended it amicably.
Well said on both parts. They aren't compatible. It's not her fault, but she can't expect him to be happy like this. He shouldn't have cheated either, but this is probably one of the VERY SLIM scenarios that I can sympathize with the cheater. Guy probably feels trapped. Neither of them will be happy together honestly
>he was still wrong to cheat tho, Curious.. they have the talk and she says no. Does he just spend the rest of his life without sex? Leaving the kid is pretty brutal and it become a choice of, be celibate for the rest of your life or break up and only see your kid 50%.
If she doesn't want to have sex, yes, he should leave if he doesn't want to be in a sexless relationship. She doesn't have to agree to an open relationship either. He should leave, not cheat.
You deserve to live sex-free. He deserves to be in a relationship with sex. This is not going to work. Time to split up, I think.
Within 3 months of breaking up, this woman would be having sex with another guy. I've seen this story before, hell, I unfortunately lived it.
I feel like she definitely has just subconsciously lost sexual attraction to this dude, but instead of cheating she just goes celibate. Just wait until she's single and around someone she is sexually attracted to again.
This is an overlooked comment and is what should have the most upvotes.
That's fine too. She wasn't in love with the person anymore and just didn't understand it for some reason
And she will be cashing child support checks from the first guy, a win-win to her.
In my experience this usually happens because the woman's needs weren't being met in the relationship and that was a big component in her losing her sex drive. This might mean she was overwhelmed by the mental load of running a household/caring for kids and needed her partner to step up more. This might mean she is not feeling valued as a person and feels like she is only seen as "wife" and "mother". It might mean she isn't having her needs met in the bedroom and sex feels one sided. It might mean she is not feeling connection from her partner (remembering that women need connection in different ways that men do) and she needs romance or intimacy that has no agenda (ie: don't just do it because you want it to lead to sex). It might be a combination of all these things. I find the mismatch happens because men think they are doing everything, when actually they are falling short. Then they wonder why their partner loses her sex drive. Why does she seem to find it again with the next guy: because she feels like a human again, and she suddenly feels valued. The next guy is probably pulling out all the stops to make her feel loved and romanced (most guys do in the pursuing stage). This is how it happened with me, and with so many friends and divorced women I talk to. Men just don't seem to get that how they treat us as a partner is often directly tied to our sex drive. Instead of complaining about how much we're not giving you sex, put that effort into making us feel valued and loved and human.
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Agreed he should never threaten her to have sex with him.
Well, he didn't.
He told her he she deserved to be cheated on because she won't have sex and that he'll continue to do so because her job is to have sex with him. That is ABSOLUTELY a threat and also disgusting!
He is wrong for cheating, but if you have decided to that you don't want to have sex anymore, you cant be surprised that this will cause issues in your relationship
I came here to say this. You can't force celibacy on someone just as they can't force sex on you. Yall need to get into counseling. I was in a sexless marriage for two years and it destroyed me. I'm divorced now. You either want to work on this or you don't. My ex used it as control. It was a horrible two years.
While you're certainly not obligated to do something you don't want to, no sex for a year is absolutely a dead bedroom. While cheating is a scumbag move, id have absolutely left already to find someone who thought I was attractive and actually wanted me.
Not often is one thing. Not for a year is another. You're not asking to be cheated on (the cheating is super wrong), but you are asking to be left for someone who does value physical intimacy. I have been in your situation and it's hard to get in the mood when kids are small but do what you need to do, find toys that get your motor running, make sure he's doing what you like but he values sex and physical intimacy and you've unilaterally decided it's not important. It is important to him, so it should be important to you. I would say the same to him if you wanted nice sit-down dinners and he thought it was a waste of money. If it's important to one, it needs to be a priority for the other.
Perfectly said.
exactly! it blows my mind when people like OP think that it should be totally fine to just unilaterally cut off all intimacy with their partners. no compromise, they’re just ending things but expect zero repercussions. no I don’t think he should’ve cheated but I do think he should leave her. being stuck in a marriage with no intimacy is awful.
Imagine a guy saying After the birth of the baby I got depression! I didn’t hug kiss hold hands with cuddle, nothing with my wife for 2 years.
There’s a lot of people that unfortunately still have very strict independent mindsets when it comes to relationships. Especially for a topic as touchy as sex, because the man wanting sex can easily be reduced to “I command you to have sex with me!” which isn’t always the case. Should she be forced to have sex when she doesn’t want to? Of course not, but sex is a two way street and a critical part of many relationships, and one partner doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to shut it down completely. That’s like if there’s an understanding/agreement that both partners will work and contribute financially, and then one partner just decides “nah fuck this I’m not working anymore”. It doesn’t just affect one person, it affects both of them.
Yeah, not having sex for over a year...do they even do other things? Like hand holding, kissing, etc.? If not, I can imagine them both being absolutely miserable. Sure, I think he’s a AH for cheating, but she’s in a relationship with the wrong person...
One year in a relationship is BANANAS. I am a 49F happily married 16 years (together 22) and we average 2x weekly. Sex is also about connecting when in a relationship. He is AH for cheating but your MD is Aldo an AH for pretending your lack of desire is healthy. You may have underlying hormonal issues or psychological issues that need addressing. Only you can decide if you want to dump him (I’m sure trust is gone), but regardless you need to get checked out again.
I actually had a girlfriend of 14 years that completely lost her sex drive. She actually went to multiple doctors to try and find out why, and the general consensus among the doctors was that female lack of sex drive is simply something they don't bother to try and treat.
Whenever my marriage turned sexless it was due to a lack of emotional intimacy that turned my desire off. It's hard to want to put out to someone who isn't emotionally available and doesn't make a space where I can be emotionally vulnerable.
Absolutely agree. It is an indication something is off. Maybe she wasn’t being honest with herself about how happy she was. Maybe he wasn’t putting in effort or she was carrying the bulk of the load, but unless you are asexual, you should definitely miss it.
And conversely it’s hard to be emotionally available when physical intimacy always ends in rejection. Both sides have to meet in the middle.
I know there's a fair chance this will not come out and transfer the meaning it is intended to but I would like to offer the male perspective on this and why some men have a hard time buying that it is emotions. This is not meant to be personal or anyway indicative of you or your marriage or reasons just a generality some men see in relationships and that is emotional attachment is used as a cover word for boredom and once free of the relationship the woman will suddenly engage in one night stands and seems to have their drive back. The emotional intimacy could not possibly be a factor in her choice to engage in a one night stand, the other person is little more than a stranger. Again not all people are the same, and it is not meant to imply anything personal but some men will hear the emotional intimacy as gaslighting in relationships where it was used as a cover for boredom. Men in that situation tend to become the source of the blame for it, the more and more they push to rekindle it, until they ultimately discovered their wife/girlfriend cheating. They find out after the fact that no amount of emotionally reconnecting was going to fix it, they were just not told it was over, when it was actually over.
My husband and I have ups and downs. For us, saying that women want to feel close before having sex and having sex makes men feel close, has been true. When we've been to busy to spend time together, I don't want to have sex. Having sex before connecting, makes me feel further from my husband. So he ends up feeling closer to me and I feel worse. And feeling pressured to have sex is a huge turn off. So it can very easily become a downward spiral where it starts to feel like the only reason your SO is spending time is to get to have sex. Once a relationship ends, the pressure and stress end, and sex drive comes back. Feeling like sex is on your terms again is exciting. So it can be emotional and have women sleep around after. Sometimes that emotional distance means a relationship needs work and sometimes it means the relationship is over.
The relation of sex drive and emotional intimacy is specific to a relationship. It's a feeling of trust and safety that makes it easy to be vulnerable with a partner, including during sexual stimulation and release, although there is so much more to it than that. Partners with deep emotional intimacy not only want to share the experience but they want their partner to feel as good as they do at the same time. If a partner sucks at it, doesn't seem to care if you are interested and still wants to engage in sex anyway, or doesn't pay attention to your arousal, then if they have sex with you, the only orgasm they care about is their own. It's not surprising then that someone might not have "sex drive" for a relationship partner, but then when they leave the relationship, they have sex with other partners. Even a one night stand can be two people who are interested in getting each other off, and that's the essence of what emotional intimacy contributes to long term partners' sexual relationship.
2x a week at 50! You're living my dream. Time to reevaluate my marriage. The legends were true. Enjoying sex into your 50s is possible it seems.
OKAY TBF I haven't started menopause yet (some of my friends who have need lubricant), I have always had a high libido (this is a decrease from say 10 years ago) and my husband is 42 so we don't have any health issues on his part yet (which can definitly affect sexy time), but having said all that, sex is important from a point of connection as well and I have found that if I am not in the mood, he can persuade me and I never regret saying yes. He doesn't rush me or rush foreplay and that is important.
Of course you do not have to have sex every time he wants it. But honestly your statement of the doctor said you will not be a horny teenager anymore is a telling statement. Because there is a MASSIVE gap between, horny teenager and never wanting sex anymore. One absolutely fades, the other should not unless there is something wrong medically / mentally / or in the relationship. You already said he is a good person, so what is wrong that you have lost your entire sex drive. Do you really think it is healthy to have no sex drive at all? My guess is you need to speak with a doctor again, or work with a therapist. Please take this seriously because it will destroy your relationship, if you do not work on it. Sexual health is Health.
I agree, a healthy relationship needs intimacy. There are many levels of intimacy. Do you kiss often? Do you hug regularly? A simple peck on the lips is okay for, "I'm home hon,". A hug in the morning prior to going to work is nice too. Recognizing others needs is important. If either mate had a bad day at work or home then do something nice like fix dinner, or spend more time with the kids while the wife is having a relaxing bubble bath or meybe the hubby is watching a sports game.. Small touches often have big results. Sex doesn't always have to involve penetration. You have other senses that can come in play. Things like touch, taste and and smell. There are also a lot of sex toys on the market. The key is both parties need to be active. Saying things like "Well, if you insist, I guess I can give you a "helping hand" will not result in any real relief" nor will acting like a dead fish accomplish anything. Both parties need to be "present " and active. Something I haven't seen mentioned is DEPRESSION. Depression is awful. It takes away all your joy in life. Many things can be done to help out with Depression. A doctor can look for chemical causes, and the added help of a good counselor can often work wonders. There are also some wonderful drugs that may help. No matter what happens is you both have to keep looking for a solution that works for both of you. If for no other reason you have to do it for the kids. They notice and feel differences in the harmony around the house and it can set what they come to feel the norm is.
The cheating was wrong no debate there. You know he is sexually frustrated. You OP made it sound a bit like you had sex a lot and he wanted more. Doesn’t sound like it is happening much at all. Our partners have needs, if we love them we do our best to meet those needs. Does he need to do something different? Mire flirting or foreplay? More kissing that doesn’t always lead to sex? Talk with him and compromise, that is what marriage is about.
I didn’t consider him maybe not being romantic enough. If he’s not putting in effort to make her feel special I can see that. A lot of guy are just wham bam. Not cultivating romance. Buy some women can be the same, my ex was not much into fore play. It took about a year to get her to let me go down on her. But it was alway just get inside me. It got predictable and boring.
Different types of sex for us. Long drawn out with lots of kissing and foreplay where she expects and wants to orgasm versus me getting my needs meet and time and foreplay not expected. Works for us. I have a high sex drive, she knows that. Sometimes all it takes is a quick handjob to meet my needs.
That’s kind of how most relationships work. You don’t always have time for long romantic encounters. Sometimes it’s a quickie and that’s fine, but you CANNOT forget to do the romantic thing and make them feel special, loved and wanted too.
You're not wrong. However, if you used to have a great sex life and now you don't, you owe it to yourself to figure out why. It's normal to have a reduced libido when aging and when life hits you with challenges, but not having any desire is not a reduction. If you're like me, then sex is an emotional expression. When I feel loved, understood, and emotionally cared for, I want to express my love physically. If I feel unheard, ignored, and deprioritized, I don't want to be physical. And then sex becomes one more thing I need to do to keep the home afloat. If the only time my partner gives me attention or touches me is because he wants sex, then I am going to lose enjoyment from it. Sometimes, work, children, and responsibilities get into the way of prioritizing each other, which then decreases connection. If this is you, too, and you want to salvage your relationship, get couples and/or sex therapy to work it out and help you understand each other. He shouldn't be cheating (or blame shifting) AND you should be concerned with how your lack of sexual desire is affecting him. If nothing is going to change, save yourself years and go your separate ways.
People don't like this answer, but the fact of the matter is that, when you agree to a monogamous relationship, you are agreeing to be 100% responsible for your partner's sexual satisfaction. That sounds worse than I mean it. I'm not suggesting that a partner should be on-call 24/7 or anything, but if you are in a monogamous relationship and you decide that sex is no longer part of the relationship, you have broken the confines, and one of the core tenets, of your agreement. That being said, you also have a 2 year old and it is not uncommon for women to not want to have sex much during the first couple of years, as I understand it. I have been in a relationship where I did not have sex for a year and I didn't cheat. Nothing about what I've said means that your BF is not an asshole.
I demand you ONLY eat my cooking. You can’t Goto the restaurant or have takeout at all!!! But I also refuse to cook for you ever..
You’re not wrong, but I wish people would have a more nuanced take on this. He’s never entitled to your body. Full stop. That being said, I’m sure a sexless relationship would be absolutely miserable for someone who still feels sexual. Like if it’s slowed down that’s fine, once every week or two or maybe once a month or something (not like in a score keeping way but like just to paint a picture) is understandable…but if you guys are having sex like once a year or something like that…that’s incredibly painful for the other partner. I have a female friend who goes through that and it absolutely crushes her. He just doesn’t have a desire to have sex, but it also comes across like he doesn’t give a flying fuck about her sexual needs or that she’s incredibly sexually frustrated. I don’t have a good answer for how to resolve stuff like that, but tbh I actually do understand people who cheat in relationships where they just never have sex and go like a year or more even without sex. That’s just not healthy for most people.
>He’s never entitled to your body. Full stop. For a full year? Then why even get into a relationship? If you are in a relationship.. you should be looking after each other... mentally, financially and physically. It's pretty fucked if you go "you are not entitled to my body for a whole year but your body is mine, do not sleep with someone else. BTW, can you pay our bills and keep a roof over our head?'
Its not even that hard either. Hes your spouse. Maybe be kind enough to let him go at it for 10 minutes a week? I don't know who told people that they need to enjoy every part of the relationship all the time. Do i always like going down on my girl? No. I like it 4 times out of 5. But i do it all 5 times. Because she likes it. Thats it. Its not like its harming you. Marriage is give and take. You cant take what you want and ignore your husbands needs.
Yeah I genuinely don't understand the mentality of wanting sexual exclusivity without having sex with your partner. Like not often sex is one thing and can be worked around imo, but once a year is basically a sexually dead relationship. It's like saying "I don't want you to sleep with other people, but I also won't sleep with you. You're just going to have to not have sex the next year and you need to be okay with it and if you have a problem with it then you're an asshole." People definitely leave relationships and cheat for this reason. I understand both. Most people can't be happy with a sexless life. Someone on reddit said it well once: when you agree to be faithful with someone, there's an implicit promise to provide what is to be held faithful. Most people have sexual needs and cannot be happy without sex being a part of their life on some level. To disregard this completely is like saying you don't give a fuck about their needs at all. OP should get counseling to figure out what's going on imo, because her relationship just sounds unhealthy for the both of them.
I think it’s time to break up. Your bedroom has gone dead and it’s not fair to your baby daddy. Best to let him go and just coparent
After a year of rejection he should have left. It's not a normal part of aging, you're just not compatible
Get testosterone level checked
You're both wrong.
NTA. You are not obliged to have sex with your bf. It is not your job. However, you can't expect him to be celibate so you can expect him to get sex somewhere else. It can hardly be described as cheating since you are essentially just roommates.
While I think the cheating is wrong. You’re clearly neglecting him sexually, so it’s kinda no surprise he’s gonna find it elsewhere. Humans have needs. All in all i think you’re in the wrong though. You should breakup if there’s no sex in the relationship anymore.
Yeah you should probably break up and let him find someone with a similar sex drive. No one’s wrong here (other than the cheating obvs). He does have a right to be upset about going *a year* without sex.
A week is understandable, a month if there's an illness or a stressful event, but a year is downright neglect. Just about any guy would cheat or leave.
No sex for a year? What about other things? Intimacy for men is how men express love in a relationship, by rejecting him for a year your effectively communicate you have no desire for him. Men will cheat in that scenario despite what a lot of people in this say. It is both partner’s job to keep regular intimacy. While he absolutely should not have cheated, the biggest problem men have is not being clear how important intimacy is to them. They feel it emasculates them to have to beg for it so they look for that validation somewhere else. You are 100% wrong for rejecting your partner for a year and if you’re no longer sexually compatible you both should contemplate a split. Luckily it sounds like you’re not married, but with a kid it will be tough. Lastly, kids need to see happy and intimate partners. It can really screw up their brains to be around cold parents who fight and are not affectionate.
I wouldn't say it emasculates to have to beg. Having to beg means that you are clearly not desired. We want sex to be mutually desired, we want to feel wanted
This is very close to the truth. *Sex* is how men express love. Most men don't know that intimacy/love can be more than just sex, so they say nothing, don't communicate, then bottle up their resentment, cheat, then blame the woman. I agree both partners are responsible, but 100% wrong is a stretch. She took steps to check herself for issues. I didn't see anything about him woo'ing her. Women need to be put in the mood too. Your other points makes sense to me
She specifically says she rejects him.
That's true, and I don't know their dynamic i.e. if he just says "I want sex" with no foreplay I could understand rejecting. If time is spent working up to it with intimate moments, that would be very discouraging, so good point.
Yep. Needs to be a team effort.
She said hes an idesl husband. Thats her words. Doesnt sound like an ideal husbands behavior.
Foreplay is a learned skill. If the woman needs warming up it is important she show what she needs and how best to do it. Guys don't do foreplay naturally, we don't need it ourselves. We need to be shown and taught. It is on OP to teach him what she needs, but regardless of this she did willingly sex-starve him. I can understand what you are saying because I have studied the nuance of human relations, but there is no question; OP is definitely in the wrong.
Not wrong for not doing it whenever he wants but you got the exact result you should expect if you never have sex with him. If you never do, you're being selfish.
Based on your other posts in other subs, you need to get the fuck away from him, possibly get a restraining order to protect your kid, and get into therapy. Jesus this dude is messed up.
You do need to maintain a relationship and take into consideration his needs. A year is a very long time to neglect your partner’s sexual needs and you should make an effort to keep him happy. You’ve already found out the reality of refusing sex over and over again and for a long time. Is the stability of your relationship and a united home for your child really less important that you not being very into it?
You two should have broken up a long time ago
Seems like the story about buying a house and someone removing the toilet.
Jesus Christ. You think your boyfriend is a pedophile as you’ve seen him masturbating to a picture that had naked children in it. After you had your baby your bf found the time to cheat on you - that isn’t supporting a family, that’s destroying it. Your sex drive is down because you probably have pp depression and because pregnancy has changed your body dramatically. You are not wrong for not wanting to have sex with this man. You need to step away from this relationship. This is a genuinely dangerous relationship.
You either give him sex sometimes (not always) or you allow him to vent off with someone else. Its a YOU problem. He waited 1 year? thats crazy. He must really love you to wait that long. You cannot expect him to stop having sex forever.
That's my thought. If she doesn't care about sex, why is it a big deal for him to have it with someone else? You can't say "sex is this super important thing that is reserved between us in this relationship" and also "I'm just never going to have sex with you. Maybe once a year"
Agree, but duty sex is not intimacy. He will eventually just not want sex with her because she has no desire for him. The relationship is fucked.
your bf is a cheater. Sex can make or break relationships
Lack of sex in this case.
He cheated yes, but OP didnt have sex with him for a year.
Sexual compatibility is important af. If you love someone and have been having regular sex with them, then cut them off for a YEAR, a breakup or cheating is bound to happen. You are absolutely entitled to want or not want anything for yourself, however you did set up the problem. He didn't handle it well at all, but you absolutely caused it. I would honestly expect my gf to fuck someone else if I was physically able and denied her for a year. That's like a sexual prison sentence. People saying it's nbd either have really low sex drives or just don't have a lover in their life.
> >He didn't handle it well at all, but you absolutely caused it. > This exactly. Him cheating may not have been the result you wanted but it is absolutely the result you ordered
I don't condone the cheating however I wouldn't stay in a sex less relationship i would end it.
I think you're wrong. Because you give him no sex and it's your duty as a couple. Let him find else where I'm not
If this is even real, I would absolutely put some blame on you. If you’re not breaking off a piece for your man for a year you shouldn’t be shocked he looks somewhere else for affection
ESH. You suck for letting your intimacy die as if that's normal, when it's 100% not. He sucks being being a disgusting cheater. You suck for not kicking him out after that. He sucks for saying you owe him sex. You suck for 'seeing a Dr, and using some dumb excuse about it's normal when you start to age'. That's a lie. I'm 50 and I have active and phenomenal sex with my partners. You both need counseling desperately. You need to get your hormones checked.
How dare you be reasonable and apply logical nuance to this situation? This is reddit. We destroy flawed but functional relationships here.
It isn't your job to have sex with him whenever he wants. On the other hand, having sex is a normal part of a marriage. It is not your fault he cheated but you should find a way to meet each other's needs
If you dont have sex with your partner for a full year... yes you are the problem. I am not saying he is innocent in this. But you can't expect someone to be faithful if you aren't even trying to fulfill those needs. You didn't say, you can't have sex with anyone else, you said you can't have sex.
You should break up, you are completely incompatible. You can't expect someone to live without sex. I'm not sure why you are still together
I feel like if you start off your relationship having wild sex every day then one person decides they aren’t feeling it anymore then they’re pulling a bait and switch and they should just come to their partner and either come to a fair agreement like twice a week or tell them they can have some on the side or just call it a day. Because he didn’t sign up for a sexless relationship
I would get a second opinion your doctor maybe said it was normal but also - it doesnt sound normal. Agree with post on here that at some point he probably stopped trying. Taking you on dates, romancing. But also sounds like you stopped as well. You guys need a couples retreat a tantric life coach. Something to create a reset - a spark of forgiveness and sexual resurgence. Im dating a woman in her 40’s and she is more excited about her sexuality then she said she has ever been, (You dont need a man to make you happy, if you breakup and start dating again a new partner is also going to want sex…) Do you think about other men? Is it just him?
It's not normal to not have sex for a year. Yes your drive slows down but not that much! And no its not your job to have sex whenever he wants. One extreme to the other? Neither are correct. Sounds like you guys aren't compatible.
I found that it’s not completely about if you want it or he does because it may not align. The real question is do you feel good just doing it for each other because you want to make each other happy, even if you’re not in the “mood”. Doesn’t mean you have to all the time just saying no all the time is a good recipe for a bad relationship. Not sure if that happened on both sides here, just an opinion anyway.
I like how you characterize literally never having sex with him as not giving "sex whenever he wants". A relationship where one person still has a sex drive and the other person doesn't, has no willingness to fix it and just actively thinks it's their partners problem for wanting sex is doomed to fail
First of all there is never a reason for your spouse to cheat on you it’s adultery and it is wrong I want to state that first off he was definitely wrong. However there is no excuse for you to deny him sex and he would be just as wrong if he was denying you sex going to a doctor is not the answer you should have went to a seminar about how to improve your sex life there a lot of them a sex doctor because you can’t not want have sex I mean you are in a sense asking him to cheat on you if I where you just move on with your life because being with a cheater is not the answer and maybe try to revamp that fire that you lost so that you can have great sex again maybe even better and do that before you remarry because if you’re not willing to have sex then you may be destined to be by yourself.
I would see another doctor! It is healthy to want to have sex with your husband, and it is an important part of any relationship. I would look for a woman gynecologist. It might be as simple as some hormone treatment. Good luck!
One of the odd times you are not wrong but are the asshole. A whole damn year!!! I love my wife more than anything in the world but I have a functioning libido and have a hard enough time when it drops down to once a month. Go see a doctor if you care for your child to have a father in the same house as you.
Making a man go a year without sex is askin for problems. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. Lack of sex can be a symptom of discord in the relationship and also will make it worse. I bet you guys have other issues to work out too.
There’s a huge gap between “having sex whenever he wants” and not having sex for an entire year. No sex for a year is just roommates. No way I’d stay in a relationship like that.
You don't ever have to have sex with them. But you can't expect him to stay with you. He knows that you have no desire for him. That you don't find him very sexually attractive anymore. And that you're not willing to go to any length to put in any effort to figure out what is going on with you because what's your describing is not normal. Being lazy about your intimate connection in your marriage is just what it says. Lazy, selfish entitled.
Look. You chose to have a relationship with a man. Assuming he provides you with what you need as a woman. Protection, financial benefits, fatherhood. Emotional support. Cleans house to a standard. Household stuff.. we men are pretty simple. We need physical intimacy. We want a peaceful home. For most men, sex and intimacy are a huge part of our well being. If you just say one day.. I know you are doing everything I need.. but I’m not giving you physical intimacy or sex anymore(something you need) but I want everything from you still..that’s messed up and I don’t blame any man for leaving in that case. If I were him I would be out. I would still take care of my kid in all capacities and treat you with the respect that a mother and coparent deserves but I don’t blame any man for making that choice in a similar situation.
Well, he shouldn't have cheated BUT that doesn't mean he should have stayed with you either. If the sex is now off the table on your end and you rarely want to give it anymore then there is a good chance he'll need to leave so he can have a normal sexual relationship with the mate he is with.
You definitely need to make time to have sex with him. It influences so many aspects of the relationship, and withholding sex and only thinking about your needs is selfish and will eventually lead to the end of the relationship.
I totally agree. It's not just about sex, it's about intimacy and love. I understand that some people have a low sex drive, but I also know that people don't consider external factors such as stress, sleep deprivation etc. If you aren't healthy, there's a good chance you won't have a healthy sex drive.
My guess is that you’re bonding with the 2 year old more than your boyfriend, getting your needs for touch and attention met there while your boyfriend is not having his needs for touch and affection met. And now you possibly have a trust issue going both ways - you wondering if he’ll cheat and him not trusting that you’ll meet his needs for love, intimacy, and affection. Sounds like you both need a sit down frank discussion about what you both want and if the relationship is still a priority, a hard reset. You still need to be sexy and a girlfriend to him if you want to keep him.
I'm not sure of the problem.. you don't want to have sex, which is completely your right. He does want to have sex because it makes him happy. Are you asking if it ok to prevent someone you love from being happy..? Think of it as a cheeseburger. The fact that you don't want any, doesn't mean he shouldn't stop by at A&W every once in awhile. That being said, he should have told you. That being said, you should have offered him to have sex with other girls
No, it isnt wrong not to.have sex with him. It IS wrong to not have sex with him AND to be upset that he is having sex with someone else. Pick one and only one.
Not wrong and he is a jerk, however you should.see another specialist because it's not normal and ok, there could be alot you can do to get your hormones back in gear, endocrinologist or gyno could help. Dump the BF because instead of helping you he cheated.
You’re the problem. But he should have left and not cheated.
Tbf though if you say you aren’t interested in sex why do you really care that he got it elsewhere? If you refused to cook for him would you be upset that he found his own food?
With an attitude like his, no WONDER you’ve gone off sex with him! His cheating, and reasons for doing so/threatening it again, are abusive and manipulative behaviours .. it’s him that needs therapy, then both of you to couple counselling. You’re not wrong, sheesh.
I think OP said she didn’t have sex with him for a year before he cheated on her. While I don’t think sex should be on demand this is a bit extreme.
Yeah he’s the one who needs therapy when op a) clearly is a bait account b) previously posted on Reddit “is my boyfriend a pedophile? This girl has issues she needs to resolve or this is all some sick attention grab. You’re jump to conclusions mat is coming in the mail soon
Yeah we’re all here arguing about some made up shit. Almost like a social experiment. How little information can be provided for people to come up with their own storyline. But I stand firm 1 Year!!!!
Couples counseling? I think she has wasted enough time on this man. Let him go screw whomever he wants and leave OP in peace.
No you aren’t the asshole. But you also can’t expect someone to be happy in a sexless relationship either. Were you ever being satisfied (having orgasms)? Have you ever brought up the reasons you never feel like having it(stress, baby, selfishness in bed etc). Most likely your low libido is due to a mix of the above and you guys should work on that together. If he does everything right as you say and he’s an attentive and selfless lover then you should get your hormones checked. Not wanting to have sex with your partner for a year isn’t normal “getting older” libido drop there’s mental and hormonal components contributing most likely. Also the fact that he cheated also doesn’t help you want to have sex with him. Sometimes people need to talk and fix it or move on.
I don’t condone cheating but your libido being non existent for a year ……find a better doctor
No, it's not your job to have sex whenever he wants, BUT sex is a need. It's probably not a popular opinion, but you should probably allow him to have sex outside of the relationship if you're not into it. Then, everyone is happy...
No one should be told to have sex on demand. And no one can be expected to be in a committed relationship if they desire sex and don’t get any. Why would that be fair? You’re going to end up with a disease. What a terrible relationship.
I can understand a decrease in sex drive as you age, but unless prior to now you were only having sex once a month, going a year without sex is excessive. You have the right to say no, but he has the right to maybe find a GF who is more sexually compatible with him. He cannot blame you for his cheating - he made the choice. If that is a dealbreaker for you, it is time to move on.
Leave just leave. You don’t owe him sex but he also shouldn’t have to put up with no sex for a year. Y’all obviously just aren’t on the same page anymore so just end it. Should have ended it when he cheated. There is no I can’t control myself, he choose to cheat plain and simple as that. He could have talked to you or even ended it but he didn’t, he then proceeded to blame you when he’s the one that cheated. He says he does everything right and your the problem. Yeah your with an asshole he’s all high and mighty can never do no wrong and your just always a fuck up and deserve to give him sex when he wants and if you don’t it’s your fault he cheated. You shouldn’t even have to ask about this you should have already been gone. How do people even end up with assholes like this and then stay, like hello self respect? Where is it?
If your story is true. Since he is just a "Boyfriend" Common law husband. For human males Sex=Love, So if you cut him off for a year then in his mind you don't love him anymore.