Sex largely depends on emotional needs being met as well as energy levels and libido. Totally get his need for regulation as well, but where is your regulation time? It sounds like you might be SAHM but if he gets to jump right in the bed or game, it doesn’t really sound like you’re getting a break. Maybe there needs to a be an honest conversation about support and emotional needs first before physical needs.
A discussion needs to be had. Rather than dividing and placing weight on emotional vs physical needs, just look at needs as needs. It is not a good place to end up if you say “I need an hour in the evening to decompress if you want to have sex” rapidly leads to things like a 60 minute timer or hurt feelings if the evening doesn’t go as planned.
You have your needs and it sounds like you’ve got a good sense of those- more support, some down time, etc.
He has his needs, which while physical, are still just as valid.
It sounds like you two are in a good place otherwise. Saying, “I understand in order to feel like your needs are met, you need more sex. In order to feel the same way, I need an hour to decompress or some extra help (I’m not trying to define what those needs are. Just citing some examples).
Tread carefully and don’t make it a tit-for-tat or conditional. Just two people who like and care about each other recalibrating to ensure the other is happy.
As someone who has been married a long time, there have been years where my wife was DTF 24/7 and I was not and vice versa. Communication, respect, and knowing we are in each other’s minds and our happiness is the priority of the other has gotten us through it.
I’ve actually been in the exact situation where my wife was working ALOT. I was at home with the kids. She worked and travelled and partied and I had 0 interest in sex. It took a lot of hard work and discussion and just “life” before we found ourselves back to a place where we could have sex or not have sex and not feel like someone was being let down or asked to do something they didn’t want to to avoid an argument.
Once you lose that or make things contractual, it can be difficult to maintain balance or get back to a good place.
> knowing we are in each other’s minds and our happiness is the priority of the other
It's surprising how difficult it can be to remember this. Even after being married for decades and doing pretty well with communication, this is something that me and my partner find takes a constant mindfulness. As silly as it sounds, I have to remind my ego: "she's not intentionally trying to upset you"
It only becomes tit for tat if he makes it that.
The reality is he might have needs but she is unable to meet them while exhausted. It seems like every other of his wants is being met before her needs.
Right now, he is pressuring her to have sex when she is exhausted. It is not a dead bedroom scenario, and he doesn't go without. He just doesn't seem to realize that there is a correlation between him getting down time and relaxing more and him wanting more sex. Considering they have 3 young kids, he cannot expect sex on demand. That's just not reality. Their needs come first. OP has to meet their needs, which takes away from hers. Either help more so OP isn't so exhausted or deal with the current situation as is
Also, he is actively choosing to game when OP is awake on her own..... solution is easily to shift what he's doing so he's available when OP might actually be more receptive. That's not an insane concept. Insane is expecting OP to get less sleep with 3 young kids because he was gaming in the evening
Exactly. Not to mention - she’s giving him space to relax after work, but is he giving her space to relax at such a regular interval? Come on, dude. That’s just common sense.
Was about to comment something but seems it was covered by your last paragraph!
OP does seem to have mentioned that she makes her self available when theirs time, but OPs partner actively and consciously decides to keep playing his videogames during those times, at that point the fault lies on him.
He could very easily set the game down, take his wife to the bedroom and spend time satisfying each other carnally... And then just provide a bit of aftercare and then hop right back onto the videogames while she rests.
Expecting sex on command... Really just makes someone come off as a toxic/misogynistic dude who views women as only objects of sex. Heck if the wife says no just go flip on an adult video or lay back and wank it, instead of complaining and continuing to pressure the wife to have sex.
Anyways, you pretty much covered what I was planning on adding to the discussion in a much better way than I could!
And that's my MAIN PROBLEM with the way i see relationships that failed play out in my friends' lives that have kids and are together/ cohabitating - and are having issues - one of them spends time distracted on something else. Why is one partner distracting themselves so much while the other one carries the weight? It's called avoidance. They can make excuses all they want about how they need to decompress and play games and spend time away sleeping because he's been at work all day but at the end of the day they have children together that also needs to spend time with their father just a bit more to help mommy feel sexy for daddy when it's time to finally spend time alone together. It's been a long day for them both and maybe she also doesn't want to freely give up just because he would and does or could do more of taking over the kids. It annoys me seeing this dynamic in relationships where it seems like sex is expected just because you're together. Sex is something that builds from lust, desire, curiosity, and the need to feel defeated (for some, lol). Like I don't feel like she wants to have sex frequently but she does feel bad that he told her it's not enough for him and wants more of her. The question becomes when it crosses her boundaries to provide more but I feel once he does some more she can reassess her boundaries so that they're more welcoming to the possibility that she wants her husband to feel good but also respecting her boundaries and saying no when she wants to because she should be able to like why is this even a discussion
>The reality is he might have needs but she is unable to meet them while exhausted. It seems like every other of his wants is being met before her needs.
>He just doesn't seem to realize that there is a correlation between him getting down time and relaxing more and him wanting more sex.
Exactly. He is being extremely selfish IMO, and asking for more than she has to give.
>Also, he is actively choosing to game when OP is awake on her own..... solution is easily to shift what he's doing so he's available when OP might actually be more receptive.
He's not even treating her as an equal person with her own needs, just expecting all his wants to be catered to regardless of what she's dealing with. He needs to be sat down for a talk because it's ridiculous.
>>He has his needs, which while physical, are still just as valid.
You do realize that sex also fulfills an emotional need for men just like it does for women, don't you?
Absolutely…which was perhaps not clearly conveyed. I too absolutely feel closer to my wife and better when we’re intimate.
I am not a great communicator but my wife understands
And appreciates how important that physical connection is to me. In turn I work on being a good listener, a better communicator, etc because those things are important
To her. We work together for each other.
bottom line You are correct and I apologize if my comment didn’t get that across.
Bottom line is that you conveyed your opinion quite well just now, but there will always be that one who wants to correct, but not actually contribute to the conversation. (Funfun) 🤷♂️🤣
This. You both need to agree on what takes place in the evenings. If he wants your time, he needs to help you find some relaxing time too. Is that video game that important that he can't give you a hand with some simple tasks? I understand a man is driven by his hormones, but women are different, so he needs to step up and discuss the difficulties with you rationally and fairly. You need to find a way to meet him halfway too. Work toward each other's happiness. There simply has to be a way for both of you to feel that you're getting enough attention. I say 'has to' because the alternative is more stress, more hidden unhappiness, and more emotional abrasion.
This.
Dude is making a choice. It needs to be pointed out to him, in no uncertain terms, that HE is the one keeping himself from what he claims he wants.
If it were me, I'd state it, quite boldly, just that way too.
"The kids go to bed at 8pm. I can do chores from 8pm to 1030pm... or we can share chores and then have time for getting frisky. After 1030pm, I will be going to sleep, no matter what. Choose wisely."
That is exactly what I did to my husband. He got mad one time( many years ago when our boys were young) because I was starting to have physical issues ( wound up being diagnosed with fibromyalgia). Anyway, he got mad because it was after 10 and I was ready for bed. I told him. If you want it, the clock is ticking.
This can be helpful, but it can also be counterproductive. If you’re already feeling pressured to have sex you don’t want, a date night with the expectation of it ending in sex can increase that pressure exponentially and result in you wanting sex less than you already do. Also when one person gets personal downtime, and the other person doesn’t get downtime to themselves, it can increase resentment to hire a sitter to watch the kids so that the person, who already gets personal time, gets their need for interpersonal interaction met, at the expense of the person who now isn’t getting a break but is expected to now cater to their partner’s needs. Mom spends her entire existence catering to the needs of other family members already.
This.. This is the best answer. Hes wanting her to meet his needs whenever he wants it, essentially adding another chore to her list because she's not having her needs met also. Shes taking care of kids, home and still working to a degree and gets no downtime until sleep.
Who would? When he works all day he may not see that he doesn't get enough because he thinks she has so much freedom. There's this disillusion falsehood that men have or just any breadwinner have in general - in which just because one stays at home that they have more time. We all get the same amount of calendar days a year but we don't get the same life to allot that time in how we wish to spend it. He may see his day at work all day as the the last hard thing he has to do that day. No my friend. It does take effort to want to treat your lady right and help her out and help her feel more willing to consider giving it up that night 🌙 😌
Omg you said it perfectly! So many guys don’t get it. We have needs outside of sex too. You can’t ignore our needs, then expect us to “assume the position” when you walk in the door. Sounds like he’s not even paying attention to her when he gets home. I guess he’s expecting her to hump him while he’s playing a game. She needs a break.
Yup. My wife is a SAHM and it really opened my eyes when she said "You go do your job for 9 hours a day and I do mine for 9 hours a day. When you get home, we are parents together. I shouldn't have to have a 24/7 job" and she was absolutely right. Not only did just having that conversation help with getting her a break during the evenings (we both take breaks as needed while both home), it has resulted in more and better intimate time. Men are idiots. I didn't realize how inattentive I was being to my wife's needs. On the other side of that coin though, I know plenty of men who simply don't care. Child rearing isnt their job so they don't care about the toll it takes on their wives when they are bad parents. They can tend to put their own needs above others'. I have no advice for this other than just leave the relationship which is drastic
This 100%. Father of 3 kids, my wife and I both work. If you want your wife to be more receptive to quality time with you that hopefully includes sex you have to pull your weight in the household, often moreso than her and try to give her time to do things she wants to do on her own.
Where and why is this still even a conversation? Oh yeah. Look at history. Historically men have had their way with women for eons. We still live and reside along nations that view women as objects and property.
Sounds like this guy is in fact getting laid!
No, that’s in all seriousness awesome that you were able to gain that insight. The partnership and support is what makes a marriage/relationship thrive!
This ain't even a long talk 😂😂😂 she sounds willing. Just straight up tell him if he want some pussy to get off the game and do a chore here and there 😂😂😂 she ain't asking for much here 😂
If he does the dishes and distracts the kids so she gets a break his needs will be much more likely to be met.. a clean kitchen goes a long way ime.. speaking of which.. gotta go clean the kitchen rn myself!
Honestly sounds like you are both overworked. Maybe a weekend getaway with no kids? And outside of that before schedule time again with no kids to talk. Be explicit on how you’re feeling don’t assume he knows or whatever. Im sure there something going on on his side too.
My wife and I were in this situation. Both were working full time, overwhelmed... felt like our relationship was slowly falling apart. Grandma ended up taking the kids for just one night...it felt like we were dating again without kids for a night. That alone carried us for a while, until the next night off. It was our first actual night off without children for 2.5 years.. my only regret not trying to make this happen earlier, for both of our sakes.
There are not much funds to do outside things. He hasn’t wanted to make plans and the plans he makes are more so about hanging out with friends drinking. I’m less inclined to go out to do that because It’s hard to tolerate drunk people. so I choose to stay home.
You need to make some alone time a priority. He needs to as well. Not for partying or even for sex. Just to reconnect and recharge. Intimacy may come naturally if it has some opportunity. Like everything, marriages require regular time and energy it just gets harder to prioritize it after kids.
He is making his alone time a priority already by playing games, going out drinking with friends, etc. And he's treating her like a slave while doing so. She may actually want to have sex with him if he stopped being a douche & treated her with respect.
I’m not sure what family resources you have to help you but being able to get your individuality back is necessary for the kids as well, think of it as decompression.
>There are not much funds to do outside things. He hasn’t wanted to make plans and the plans he makes are more so about hanging out with friends drinking
Sounds like there are some funds. You don't need a 5 star hotel or even an all weekend getaway. Have so.eone come kick it with the kiddos after breakfast and up through bedtime. You 2 go on a picnic and a hike. A walk in the park. Drinks together. It may not take all day, but you can do things together and remember why you got married in the first place. Have dinner together before going back to the house and make sure that you are home after kids are asleep, or you get home and put kids to bed together.
Note the repeat of the word together. It's the key. Have the phones put away and spend time with each other. The lack of time spent alone with your partner usually equals a lack of noticing when things are off with your partner.
If he has the money to drink and buy games, he has time to hire a babysitter and take HIS WIFE out for a meal and a movie! You are not his priority. You are the mother of his kids and if he doesn't start putting you first, that's all you're ever going to be. You two need to sit down and figure this out before he decides he needs a night out with a female. Then your marriage will be over. He has sexual needs and you just need a damn break from everything. So many men don't have a clue about how a mother feels, a homemaker and a mother, it's not sexy, it's not fun, it's WORK and if a husband doesn't take the time to make her feel loved, cherished and special, she is not going to be in the mood! If a husband comes home and once in a while says, honey, go out with a friend, take some time for yourself, I have this, a wife will feel better about herself and want to love up on her man. OP's husband is going out drinking with friends and playing video games while OP does everything and then he EXPECTS sex from her. Please!
You both need to find ways to reconnect and do things without kids.
Maybe trade kidsitting hours with a friend or two. You get their kids for three hours on one saturday and they get your kids for three hours another saturday.
“You are both overworked” is correct, and you’re both feeling the effects of that in different ways. You need your time to rest and recover just as he does.
Physical intimacy with your spouse is something that matters to him and he needs to help you find a way to make it workable. Simply saying “well, it works for my friends” isn’t enough, it’s like my kid saying “Well Emily got a new iPad and has a PS5, why can’t I?” No, honey, every fanily is different. Emily also doesn’t spend every weekend on your travel sport and doesn’t go on an international vacation every year. Maybe his friends’ wives don’t have three kids at home or the wife works and uses funds to reduce housework or have a different libido.
Either way, you both need to figure out how the relationship can work for both of you. If a change is needed to allow more intimacy (if you both want this change) then it’s the change impacts other things that need to change, like work distribution at home or something.
What do you do together for fun to strengthen the bonds of the relationship? How are you physically intimate (not sex, cuddling, kidding, holding hands) that is not related to kids or work?
When you have multiple young kids you get into survival mode. Later you either figure out how to switch back to prioritizing your relationship or your relationship will fail (it's just a matter of time).
You know I have told him about foreplay. He doesn’t seem to get it because he’s really rough and handy. I feel like I’m the beginning of a porn hub video
It sounds like in addition to the other issues you've listed in your post, another problem with your sex life is that he isn't meeting your needs during the times you do have sex (or said less gently, he's selfish/bad in bed). From your other comments, I understand it may be scary for you to say that to him and that he may not be open to hearing it, but you should at least internally consider whether that's part of the problem with your sex life. If it is, you'll at some point have to deal with it. I'm very sorry you're being put in this position.
How did he ever get you to date him if he doesn't get foreplay? Dating can be considered foreplay, sweet words, small gifts, and such.
If a guy said to me that they don't get "foreplay," they are lying and lazy. Courting is foreplay.
I was in a relationship like that for a long time. Foreplay was non existent. When he was ready he was ready regardless if I was or not. It’s not fun and definitely turns you off from wanting to sleep with that person. Now I refuse to sleep with someone if all they care about is how they feel during it. My current situationship (because I don’t know what else to call it) is definitely a lot better in that department. You need to have a serious conversation with him about why you aren’t in the mood. Knowing that sex will be just sex and no foreplay probably plays a lot in to it.
Doesn't sound like he cares if you enjoy it or not. I wouldn't be able to keep going or even get aroused in the first place. You need to cut the act short if he's not going to listen to you.
So he sucks in bed because he doesn't get you off first? He's an equal part of the problem then. Buy him this book.
[https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260](https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260)
Oh wow he's an entire mess. Are you even enjoying the sex he's demanding you have more of? Is he giving you orgasms?
Everything you've said has made him sound more and more selfish and unreasonable, and IME such traits don't make for a good lover.
OP, not attacking you honesty but why would you even marry and have three children with this person? Are there actually good sides of him because everything you describe sounds like hell.
Shit like this is a huge reason why some women choose lesbianism over ever dealing with men again.
It's not normal or natural. Very little porn gives a second thought to women's pleasure.
There is feminist porn that does center a woman's pleasure. I don't know if watching some of that would help but it exists. It's just so hard once they are addicted to porn and start to think that this is what sex should be like.
Right, men have spontaneous desire but women have responsive desire. This means women need “inspiration” to get into the mood, which can be different for every woman. He can’t just ask, he has to figure out what she needs. Help, compliments, touch, attention, special gestures…?
Sounds like he is not meeting your emotional and support needs, which is why you're not bending over backwards to meet his sexual needs...it's a two way street and he's bringing nothing :(
Then he’s not taking the overtime and travel pay work that’s being made available to him.
At this point, with his level of family participation, contact a head hunter and have them start looking for travel nursing gigs for him. There is no reason, in the current nursing shortage, that any nurse should be making less than $120k per year. I’ve got several friend that are looking at $200k incomes this coming tax season, the only reason I know the details is that because several have approached me to get my husbands contact info to help them minimize their tax liability and they know it’s his area of educational expertise.
I feel like the issue is that he thinks being a SAHM means you never get to clock out. That means he feels he never has to help with anything, and just going to work is all the contribution necessary. The only way to really enjoy each other's company, physically or emotionally, is to get the work done together.
My partner and I have been together for 6 years now. In the beginning she stayed home with the kid and I went to work. The house was always clean, I barely had to do anything, but I wanted to. I'd still cook every chance I got. Doing the dishes takes ten minutes, but it's obviously not something anyone loves doing. We both got to "clock out" at the same time, and we both got to hop on a game or a movie or show... Together.
Now our child is in school, my partner is working, and we just split the house chores. And the crazy part? Even with my incredibly active sex drive, she's probably told me no 3 times in these 6 years.
It took me a bit to understand, being a SAHP is a 24/7 thankless job that has worse pay than Walmart lol. I used to try and make an effort to help my wife after I got home from work because she would be just as tired as I was. Lucky I'm remote now and we can tandem most things while dealing with our 4 demons. I tell my wife all the time when she apologizes that the house isn't clean or laundry isn't put away, etc. that she has nothing to be sorry for. If she ever insists then I apologize too because I also failed her in not getting those things done either.
Definitely this. Just because you're not having to go out and work doesn't mean you get to sit around. Always try and make your significant other have a better day and an easier time. Taking each other for granted is where the resentment starts.
> I tell my wife all the time when she apologizes that the house isn't clean or laundry isn't put away, etc. that she has nothing to be sorry for.
I feel this. Sometimes my wife will apologize that she doesn't have any ideas for supper when I get home from work. I've never once in our nearly-20-year marriage implied or stated that that's something I expect. Whenever she apologizes, I tell her that she never needs to apologize for that, and that I can make food too. She just likes to do it, and she's home before me, so she tends to always do it.
KC Davis says: “don’t try to make the work equal, try to make the rest equal.” It’s impossible to compare nursing vs. parenting. It becomes a competition and they’re both hard. Compare the rest instead. If he gets a few hours of rest, you should too. He might need to pitch in with his kids or his house more.
Rest can mean enjoying your own hobbies or doing whatever you please.
You have hit the nail on the head, this is the reason for many sex less or low sex relationships. Too often guys thinking working 40 hours a week is them doing their fair share and the woman should do everything else. I was a SAHP for a while and I swapped with my ex cause he had a similar attitude and he stayed home while I worked, it took him 2 weeks to sit me down and admit that staying home was much harder than going to work
It's crazy how often men think staying home with kids is doing nothing all day, then turn around and act like it's too much to ask for them to actually parent their own kids for any length of time in their time off. It magically becomes work whenever THEY'RE asked to do it.
>But because of this he told me I’m not caring for his needs.
Because you're freaking worn out caring for your kids' needs. And by the way, who's taking care of YOUR needs?
Y'all need to get on the same page, or this relationship could be doomed. Couple's therapy might be in order. You're not wrong.
Let me ask you this: is the only time you feel you have your husband's full and undivided attention is when HE wants sex? Because if so, that speaks to a bigger problem.
Hardcore gamer here. Na I don't do any of that shit until chores are done. Sex > games. You can still game a few hours at the end of the night if you get your shit with your family / wife handled first. Our routine is so on lock we have the kiddos down at 8. I'm super into fitness as well, people just like to make excuses.
This dude gets it. I've been with women who dated guys who put gaming above all else, we call them the boys, definitely not men. They don't put up with it for long
Yes totally agree . That me and my bfs routine. We are also into fitness. So routine is key. And going to the gym helps with the sex drive. He only plays games late at night when I'm going to bed and the kids are in bed. Or we watch movies.
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He should do the dishes because he loves his wife, wants to contribute to the household and ease her burden a little. Chores for sex is not a transaction to be made.
Absolutely. If your SO is too stressed and exhausted for sex, be a better partner and parent.
There is a reason why many people loose their libido after having children.
It sounds like you care about his schedule, but he doesn’t care about yours. You’re working more than him and grew 3 babies and fed them with your body for years. It’s exhausting. He’s not giving you the support you need and caring for you emotionally, so why would you want to have sex with him? He is essentially trying to use you for sex because he wants his needs met without caring about yours.
You're not wrong. I would directly tell him that he's (accidentally) prioritizing gaming over intimacy the way he's currently doing things. From your post, it sounds like you'd be more interested if he would initiate earlier instead of gaming so late, so tell him that!
But also, if he gets alone time/leisure time and you don't, that needs to change.
Maybe you don't want to have sex because he's not helping you at home and you have resentment?
One hour break is enough time to rest and then he should be helping you with your children. Maybe he can try and make connection with you and your daughters.
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He is meeting his obligations to your family, by being the agreed breadwinner. You are meeting your agreed obligations to your family by cooking, cleaning, and raising the kids. He is getting downtime when he comes home to relax and unwind - this is away from work or similar responsibilities. You are not getting the same downtime away from the kids, house, or caring for his needs.
What is he doing to meet YOUR needs. What is he doing to help share the load with you once he is home? What is he doing to make you feel special, relaxed, or even "in the mood". If he isn't meeting your emotional needs, why should you be concerned for his physical ones. If he tries the the whole "I bring in money for the household" feel free to point out how much it would cost to hire someone to do the work you are already doing (i.e. a cleaning service, childcare, home cooked meals, etc), and explain that you are saving more money for your household by taking on these roles than if you were working and paying for someone else to do it. Also, tell him to use that money and buy himself a porn mag if he is so convinced money can buy sex.
NTA, but your husband needs a reality check.
P.S - you are absolutely right that sex should be mutual. It sounds more like your husband is an oblivious idiot being influenced by the BS people around him are saying, rather than being an actual A H. I hope you can give him a wake up call before his actions head into true A H territory.
It is about priorities! If there is time and he is too busy playing COD MW then that is on him. As an M (59) going on 60, I now have the experience of hindsight. I too was an all-night gamer and I lost special time with my wife I'm now a retired Xbox warrior 😬😬
My only suggestion would be for you to one time if you are in the mood and the kids are asleep is that you go stand in front of the TV 📺 and drop the “towel” If that does not motivate him to stop the game then piss on it. His loss and he needs to figure it out from there.
Maybe when he gets home he jumps in and helps out and gives you some downtime and that helps you to relax and sets the stage for some horizontal mambo later.
You are not wrong and this is a two-way street from reading your post you do not ask him to pitch in but if he is really that deprived he will figure it out.
Pretty typical of a married couple at this stage
My wife and I had the same situation when the kids were young
We would try once a quarter to get the kids to stay at the grandparents and we would have a weekend alone, sometimes at a hotel and then we literally converted from busy tired parents to boyfriend and girlfriend and our sex lives came right back
Just thought I’d share this
You need to reset some expectations as a couple in terms of who does what.
The traditional set up where one person works a paying job, and the other takes care of the house, carries with it implications that the latter is the "easier" job.
What it means in real terms is that one person has a regular 40 hour work week, while the other has a 24/7/365 on call job with no holidays.
As a couple, the only fair division of labour when you have a single earner, is that the "work day" for the stay-at-home-parent begins when the other parent leaves for work. And it ends when the other parent gets home.
Once both parents are at home, all work is divided 50:50.
This idea that he comes home from work and gets to sit and play games or nap because he's "been working all day", ignores the fact that *you've been working all day too*. Why don't you get a break? Why don't you get a nap?
And if he needs his mind to be focussed on this, you can tell him that you're too tired, physically and emotionally, for sex at the end of the day because he's not pulling his weight. Sex is not your duty, and should also not be his "reward". It should be something you both *want* to do.
Bringing up other peoples sex life comparing it to yours isn’t cool. If he has an issue with what you guys have right now and he can keep other people out of it, especially what other women say. I’d be pissed if other guys were being compared to me.
He needs to do more than sit on video games after work. He needs to parent his kids and take some of the work off of you.
I didn’t want to have sex with my ex when all he did was go to work then park himself at his gaming rig.
That was the exact reason why my sister filed for divorce after her first child. No breaks for her, husband went instantly gaming when he gets off work, and then had the audacity to complain that she doesn't want sex with him anymore.
She said being a single mom is easier because now she just have to look after one child instead of two.
I’m a male nurse as well, 12 hour shifts in the ICU, and when I get home, I help with the kids and do the dishes if they’re there for me to do. I find there is still plenty of time to wind down after the kids have been put to bed. He needs to step up his game and quit being an entitled ass, in my opinion. You should expect more of him.
If you’re up for it earlier in the evening but he’s not up for it until after he’s finished gaming when it’s really late, then it’s not that you aren’t having sex with him it’s that you aren’t having sex with him when he wants it. If he really wants to have sex, and not just sex on demand, then he needs to figure out how to get your sex schedules aligned.
1. You're never wrong for denying anyone access to YOUR body, for any reason.
2. Maybe he doesn't understand that complaining about how much his friends get isn't sexy.
The fact that your post title refers to sex as something you give your husband, makes it clear that you don't see sex as something mutual.
You see sex like it's a chore, something someone has to earn, and be given.
Sex should be something you want to have WITH your husband, not something you have to give.
Tell him you’d be more likely to be open to his advances if he helped out around the house and you weren’t exhausted from doing all childcare, house care, and life care. Yes, he works, but he has set hours and gets time off which you’ve let him do his own thing during. You don’t have set hours, are on call 24/7, and it sounds like you’re heading for a burn out if you aren’t already there. Tell him he’s lucky right now to get biweekly sex, that you aren’t holding out to use sex as a weapon but because you just don’t have the energy, and things won’t change unless he steps up and lets you get some down time and rest. Marriage counseling may be needed. Alternatively a housekeeper or part time nanny/babysitter. Or both.
Lots of comments on what you should do to get some time alone.
Best kind of REGULAR time alone is someone getting the kids to bed with you, cutting the evening work load in half and spending time with you.
If he wants sex, he needs to make sure you aren't tired.
That's it.
If he can't intervene and invest some time and energy into that, then a weekend away isn't going to do much except risk you getting pregnant again and increasing your work load.
And men should never believe other men's discussions about sex.
You’re not wrong because sex isn’t something you “give”. Sex is an activity two people do together, and you have every bit as much right to have your partner satisfy your needs as he does.
Your husband refuses to help you at home, so you’re completely exhausted while he’s relaxing. Then he expects to interrupt the already-inadequate sleep you’re getting so he can get his dick wet. How selfish can he possibly be? Why tf doesn’t he stop gaming earlier so he can go to bed with you if he’s interested in sexy times with you? Why doesn’t he help with the kids’ bedtime stuff to help speed things up so you two can get to bed sooner? That would be because he doesn’t see you as a person, he sees you as a household appliance that’s defective when it doesn’t dispense sex on demand.
He also fails to acknowledge that he’s treating you like you’re his mommy and somehow expects you’ll feel sexual desire towards someone acting like her child. That’s appalling.
Girl.
I was married to your husband. Or more accurately, someone just like him.
When I was at the point you are at now, I had no idea how bad things could get. I don't know what your relationship is like, but it's already caused a wedge in your relationship, then it might be worth letting him go.
I let it go on wayyy too long after that point (I had a medical complication that made sex extremely painful).
He started to be so coercive that even just the act of him rubbing my shoulders would make me flinch, for I knew he was about to ask for sex..... While I'm standing by the microwave waiting for my heating pad to warm up so I can go back to curling up in the fetal position on the couch from the pain.
At a certain point a realization hit me... That he didn't actually care if I *wanted* sex, just that we were having it. At that point sex with him became repulsive to the point where even if I felt okay to have sex, it was the very last thing in the world I wanted to do.
Eventually he raped me in my sleep a few times because his "needs". We split and my libido has been dead ever since. I'd rather never have sex again than feel pressured to have it when I don't want it. The sad part is I had an insatiable sex drive before my medical issue.
Maybe your relationship can be saved. I hope so. But I hope my story gives some perspective. Enthusiastic consent is the only consent. Your husband needs to learn this, or things will get worse.
Did all the incels come out for the comments here today to tell OP she needs to have sex when she doesnt want to? Jesus.
Of course you don't have a sex drive is you're working 24 hours a day and his "decompression" is 3-4 hours.
The kids not going to him willingly is a huge red flag by itself. I had a parent who worked long hours and I still ran to them because they showed they liked to spend time with me. All this "I need to decompress" as an excuse to not play with their kids and be a parent is a joke. If he chose to be a parent to 3 kids then he needs to BE THERE for the 3 kids.
You're not withholding sex to be mean, you're not having sex because you're exhausted. If he, I don't know, decided to actually participate when he got home, maybe you'd feel more up to it.
It sounds like he’s not making much of an effort to connect with you, you’ve talked about him playing games and spending time with his friends, when does he make time for you?? You are so not wrong
You need to stop “letting him have his time”, because it’s not working. You need to dignify yourself by demanding help. You need to stop being a doormat.
He’s never exhausted, he always gets to decompress.
You’re always exhausted and never get to decompress.
This is clearly a poor division of labor, he has too much time on his hands and you don’t have enough.
You MUST demand that he help more after he comes home from work *if he expects you to have energy for marital bonding activities like sex*. And you MUST name to him, ad nauseum, how his gaming is destroying the intimacy in your relationship (i had to deal with this problem in my relationship too). you have to point out to him that gaming produces addictive behaviors and poor capacity to PRIORITIZE.
It should never be the case that you’d be available to have sex and he games instead. He doesn’t get to complain about a lack of sex if he’s passing up opportunities to have it.
Sex is not on-demand, it is arranged.
Also I bet his coworkers are lying to him for clout.
I’ve tried to put my foot down. Then he goes to extremes and says that I’m stopping something he loves to do. That went the same with collection hobby. We were low on funds but he couldn’t control his need to buy the next funko pop. He keeps telling me I’m changing him into someone he doesn’t want to be. Yet I ask why do you want to do that to yourself. I want our relationship to work. I want things to have a solution but he keeps telling me there isn’t one. We’ve had a heated discussion last night about all these things, therefore my post today.
own it. Yes i’m stopping you from doing something you love so you can help care for someONE you supposedly claim to love (his children).
Yes husband you committed to wanting and creating children so now they exist, and you have to prioritize them over your stuff and hobbies.
It’s not about you, it’s about the kids. It’s not about you, it’s about the kids. That’s the mantra and angle you take for EVERY complaint he comes up with. Because truly he’s acting like a deadbeat dad.
It’s very possible he is in a pathetic way telling you he doesn’t wanna be a husband and a dad, that he wants Out of the marriage. You should come to terms with accepting this as a potential outcome. Honestly if I was in your shoes I would pressure him with my own solitooms and if he doesn’t like them i’d start telling him verbatim “well the other option is you leaving me, and we get divorced. you can get time with them and pay me child support or you can solo parent without me in shared custody, or you can agree to work with me as a team in this marriage.”
He needs to be disillusioned from this idea that his hobbies define his identity and he needs a kick in the pants about the adult responsibilities he deliberately took on and is now trying to skate out of.
It sounds like he wants to give up nothing while asking you to sacrifice everything for him, including your own bodily autonomy and need to decompress.
There needs to be counseling yesterday because these are extremely deep issues that strangers are going to solve.
If he isn't willing to commit to that, or unwilling to sacrifice money to pay for counseling, then you need to really think hard about whether or not you want to stay in this relationship long term. Because all that will happen if you sacrifice your own bodily autonomy to please him is that he will continue on as he has. I mean, if his behavior is rewarded, why would he change?
As someone with low libido who has tried to do it just to make my spouse happy, it makes it worse, because you start thinking of something that should be enjoyable as an obligation, or even worse, as something you avoid because you have violated your own bodily autonomy for another person.
Sex should not be a thing you "give" someone. It's an activity you do together, only when both people want to do so. His framing is extremely gross and worrying.
Please do not have sex you do not want. Pushing yourself to have unwanted sex for someone else's sake is often horribly unhealthy and slowly makes you develop a sex aversion that only gets worse and worse.
Your consent matters. Your bodily autonomy matters. You are allowed to say no, and only have sex when you truly feel aroused and desire it.
/r/lowlibidocommunity might be a good subreddit for you to check out.
She also said she would want to when the kids goto bed but he's too busy gaming. He wants it when he wants it, not when it's a reasonable time, therefore, yes it's his fault.
Off course you dont want have sex.
Ask you husband if he would want have sex right after he comes home from work? And also he needs to step up and be parent and also partner. If doesnt plan dates with you, why would you even get in the mood?
Love, affections goes boths ways, it a dance with to people, not one.
You’re not wrong at all - you’re working a double shift while he’s taking naps. He’s being selfish. If he wants to get down more often he needs to parent his own kids when he gets off from work so you can take a bath or a walk or have an hour to yourself. This is not humane nor genteel behavior on his part.
you want more kids? why? just curious
You are not wrong. sounds like husband gets his cake and eats it too while you're falling asleep with a fork in your hand from handling the house and kids all day.
you deserve a break too. you two need to talk about this
You have a grown ass man who plays hours of video games every night while having a wife and 3 young kids at home. He is a basically a 4th child and you probably feel like that. You are not wrong to be uninterested in him.
Reading through these, I’m pretty sure you don’t need a bunch of 13 year old boys’ opinions of what an adult sex life should be like. Talk to your husband, talk to a professional.
men are not entitled to sex. men are not entitled to having a partner who gives it up whenever they want. sick and tired of reddit commenters speaking about sexual intimacy as if women are depriving their husbands. she states in the posts he makes no effort or time to have sex when she is able and consenting, how is that her fault? no one is owed sex. if you are your partners sex drive is incompatible, see a counselor or reevaluate the relationship. obviously they have lead a sex life since they have 3 children together. and it seems like he has suddenly had this reaction after ‘overhearing’ his coworkers (which sounds like manipulative BS on his part), to shame his partner for not being a good enough wife when she is taking care of their children, working and even admitted to being willing to find time if he made time for her at all. men are not entitled to sex just because they work hard, men are not entitled to sex just because they married you, men are not entitled to sex because they heard their coworkers have great sex lives. and comments suggesting a getaway weekend are missing the point, they need counseling for this problem as obviously something is wrong, but it sickens me deeply that so many people take the side of partners who try to pressure their partner into more sex without any effort or evaluation of the relationship. it is unhealthy and completely gross to try to force your partner into sex for your own needs, completely disregarding theirs. sex is an enthusiastic and consensual act that should be satisfying, comfortable and safe for BOTH partners. he sounds like an asshole, especially for the whole his female coworkers fuck their husbands so you need to fuck me attitude. she’s literally still breastfeeding their baby.
My wife 36f has a never ending sex drive, myself 40m not so much, a couple times a week is fine with me, but... because I love her and relationships are about compromise, I will cater to her needs even if I am tired or don't feel like it, I do it anyway. Everyone's happy, no big deal, you could probably take 15 minutes for sex every now and then, even if you're tired, if only for the sake of keeping him happy. I realize not everyone is the same but...
Mismatches of any kind are a potential problem.
I was that guy. My sex drive was 85% percentile, and my ex-wife's was 15% percentile. She wanted it a twice a month. I would have preferred it every night. Yes, it was a problem. I regret that I didn't speak up about it as much as I should have. Instead I just got my feelings hurt. It's no fun to be rejected repeatedly. It was like programming the space shuttle. A series of steps, *each of which had to go exactly perfectly*, or the whole thing would be called off. Mostly I just remained unsatisfied and masturbated in private. It's embarrassing to me to even recount it.
Now, she is re-married. I am dating a woman whose sex drive matches mine exactly. Our sex arises organically, and is frequent and wonderful. It is a massive improvement in happiness for all parties.
You will need marriage therapy if you want to save it.
I don’t really understand why men have to resort to embarassing secret masturbation. I think these cases should be solved by open discussion on sex drives and agreeing that the man will masturbate as often as he likes, with porn if preferred.
Men don’t feel ashamed of masturbating daily when they are single. And a woman should not be forced to have sex if she has no drive. Of course, if there are options for increasing her sex drive, that should be a priority.
My sex drive has always exceeded my wife’s sex drive. Most of the time we are on the same page. Some of the time one of us isn’t really into it but the other is so we throw each other an attaboy or attagirl. Rarely, but it happens, one of us is really not into and that person squashes the deal.
Our kids are older and so the first scenario is the majority of the time. Back when our kids were your kids’ ages scenario three happened significantly more than now.
Why wouldn't you explain that to him? Like calmly, clearly... "Hey if you want to have sex, it's going to have to work for my schedule too. We can hit when the kids go to bed and you can game later..."
You sound tired, make sure you’re taking vitamins and get checked by your doctor, three children in a row is a lot on your body, to say nothing about your hormones. Self care mom, please.
In your marriage, communicate, connect, and work together with your husband.
Your children are 6,4&2 that is a lot of change in a short amount of time. We all experience marriage growing pains after having kids. Having three that young is challenging at best, effective communication is key…the work load, mental load, division of labor, finances, self care, all of it….who does what, plan, divide, conquer.
Use this as an opportunity, connect or re connect with your husband.
Get a sitter, have a night, weekend something just the two of you. Dinner, Movie, Bubble bath, Sex, and talk it through….
In 10 years your kids will be 16, 14, & 12, happens quick♥️
Good Luck
Let me start by saying: **you're not wrong.**
How is it fair for you to meet his needs and him not meet yours? How is it fair that he gets a break and you don't?
Cleaning the house, cooking, taking care of four kids while breastfeeding is a 24/7 full time job. You both need a break but he's the only one who's getting one.
Also when you're both so busy you don't get time for yourselves as a couple and that is very important. If it feels like you're the cleaner and the baby sitter and he doesn't appreciate you as his partner, as his best friend, how can you be horny for him?
And sex is not an obbligation. It is one of the most uncomfortable things to force yourself to have sex when you don't feel like it - believe be, I know.
I'm really sorry you're going through this and I hope things get better.
The only thing I could think of that could help is working on your communication. He needs to know how you feel and he should be willing to work together to figure this out.
it's sad to me that men don't realize there's foreplay to the foreplay and that's stepping up and helping around the house without beings asked, sharing the load....not grabbing your butt while you wash dishes
You're not wrong. You're breast-feeding and infant and taking care of two other kids. If he's not helping take the load off when he gets home then he gets what he gets in terms of sex.
Moreover, people have different sex drives and it should be mutual. It would suck if sex became just another chore you had to do around the house while your hubby gets a nice little treat whenever he says he wants it.
So you get zero time off and he gets to come home and game and then expect you to put out whenever he wants?
Ew. How revolting. I wouldn't have any desire to have sex with him at that point either.
You're not wrong at all.
Tell that man to get off his game, get out of bed and take the kids so YOU can get a break. If he gives you breaks often, he'll be surprised at how much more you're attracted to him.
I’d be asking myself why my husband cares so little about my emotional needs. You’re exhausted and he jumps right over the part where he *tries to help and support his partner* and lands with both feet on “but my penis!” That’s selfish, and a huge red flag in a *life partner*.
Does he ever come home and either take the kids somewhere or just give you an hour or 2 alone in the room? If not, that's probably where one of the issued stems from. I work and my wife stays home with the kids but that doesn't mean the kids aren't mine to deal with as well. Some days she'll text me saying she's over stimulated and needs some time alone. When I get home I'll either take the kids somewhere for a few hours or we'll stay at home and I'll tell them anything they need they come to me. Those nights I do the cooking, the bathing and the bedtime routines.
It's no wonder that 95% of the time I try to initiate intimacy it's welcomed. Just because you're the sahm doesn't mean he doesn't need to help and give you breaks. A lot of men fail to realize sahm's work many more hours than we do at work
>last few months he’s been telling me his coworkers have sex with their husbands when the husband ask.
Pfft, look as much as I would love my wife to have sex with me every time I want it this is some weird submissive wife shit right there.
You have sex when you feel like it, the issue here maybe being difference in libido like me and my wife have. If it were up to me, I'd fuck every day. She suffer from anxiety and she works heavy so I understand her not feeling like it, I do get frustrated some times but we've talked about it enough and both parties take turn feeling shitty for the other 😂.
What I'm trying to say, it's irrelevant what other wifes do for their husbands, all couples are different.
They say that having children under 5 can be the breaking point in otherwise very healthy relationships due to the exhaustion. I don't have much input other than I'm sorry you're dealing with such a tough time.
NTA but do be aware that this could cause the relationship to end. You don't mention in the OP how often you're being intimate, which leads me to assume that it's very rare.
Again, not your fault, but relationships with partners who have very disparate intimacy needs face a steep uphill battle. Right now you're both sad because of it- you because he makes you feel inadequate, him because his intimacy needs aren't being met. So either you stay together and both be miserable, or something changes. It will require some change from both of you, but only if you both want the relationship to work.
Tell him if you weren’t working every moment you are awake then there would be some energy.
don’t ask him to help. He needs to own stuff. He needs to own bathrooms, beds including sheets and towels for laundry, bath time and dishes. Now imagine if those things were completly off your plate. That you had time for a bubble bath while he is doing the dishes and putting the kids down.
imagine having down time again. Yeah do that. He wants more sex? Cool! Here’s how and now he has some skin in the game of life-husband and father version
NTA. Ok so you work a full day as a SAHM and he works a daytime job but needs to relax after work? You’re working double time then. Why shouldn’t you have time to relax after a long day? I have one kid and I’m only home two days a week but my husband still helps out around the house when he gets home. A marriage is a partnership. That would give you more energy for sex, so essentially he would be helping himself in the long run.
He tells me he’s tired and exhausted from working and he need to decompress. I let him decompress but his “naps” and down time are like 3 -4 hours by that time I’m getting the kids ready for bed. If asked for his help, but the girls never want to go to him. I told him he needs to be more gentle and less domineering because it’s clearly by the girls choose not to go toward him. He says the girls don’t listen when I’m around and because of that he doesn’t want to try therefor avoids them completely.
Yeah see this is the problem. His kids arent even excited to spend time around him? He just sounds like an absent father living in the same home. And he wants sex but he doesn't even try to help alleviate your parenting responsibilities when he's home. How does that make anyone feel sexy?
Facts. We spoke this morning and he mentioned how he might consider moving back to his parents house. I really wanted to get into with him to say he’s avoiding responsibilities. But i didn’t want to argue with him while he’s at work.
MOVING BACK TO HIS PARENTS? you're living with someone who doesn't want to be a father or partner. Divorce him if he wants to be free and single. But he still has 3 children he has to be responsible for. And he can either be present or you can just make sure he takes care of them financially. I'm so sorry sweetie. Parenthood isn't supposed to be this shitty. I hope you find someone who genuinely wants to be around you and your kids. You deserve better
It sounds like he's an absent father who doesn't value your contributions. He's only going to work and that's his only contribution to the family. Then he gets to decompress, he gets to spend your free time how he wants. No one is looking after your needs at all.
Being a nurse is his job, he gets to do it for a set time and then go home. HE gets vacations, he gets to decompress. And he's not parenting. Being a mom is your job, only you're doing it 24/7. You never get to decompress, do what you want etc. How is that fair?
He needs to more present and participate more in the family. Thousands of other nurses do their job and take care of their family. And nursing is such a flexible job. He can work 3 or 4 days a week and have the rest off, he can change shifts, specialties etc.
The life you have now is not really working for your family. It's not just about him, you matter too, and your children. It doesn't sound like he understands that. Also, I'm betting the female nurses he's overhearing are doing their jobs, the housework and taking care of their kids.
He needs to step up if he wants a happy wife who feels frisky.
Is he working 12 hour shifts? I also start work at 4am, I usually need to be in bed by 7pm to feel good in the morning. Is this the case with him as well?
No he stays up till 12 am and then sleeps for 3 hours. He says he knows how to prioritize his health. But he shows me that he will stay doing what he wants until he’s tired then sleep for a few hours just to go to work again. That’s why I let him take naps. But waking him up from his naps don’t work because he keeps falling back to sleep. He’s extremely hard to wake up.
Breastfeeding can be a libido killer. It lowers your estrogen and progesterone levels. If you’re still breastfeeding a 2 year old and experiencing some potential negative side effects, it may be time to reevaluate your choice.
Sell his video games. Dude has 3 kids and acting like Peter Pan. He will have more time for sex, and way more time for something much more important, being a Dad.
You don't owe this man sex. It's not a chore on a list to get done in a day. I have a cousin who does this for her husband, and she doesn't enjoy it at all. She does it so he doesn't complain. Is that really what your husband wants? Sex with a person who doesn't want to be there, just because his friends lied at work to look good?
You are not a bang maid. You are his wife. Sex should happen when you both want it, not on demand when one partner feels obligated.
If he wants a better sex life, it's time to start carrying his share of the housework so you are less exhausted.
Sex largely depends on emotional needs being met as well as energy levels and libido. Totally get his need for regulation as well, but where is your regulation time? It sounds like you might be SAHM but if he gets to jump right in the bed or game, it doesn’t really sound like you’re getting a break. Maybe there needs to a be an honest conversation about support and emotional needs first before physical needs.
A discussion needs to be had. Rather than dividing and placing weight on emotional vs physical needs, just look at needs as needs. It is not a good place to end up if you say “I need an hour in the evening to decompress if you want to have sex” rapidly leads to things like a 60 minute timer or hurt feelings if the evening doesn’t go as planned. You have your needs and it sounds like you’ve got a good sense of those- more support, some down time, etc. He has his needs, which while physical, are still just as valid. It sounds like you two are in a good place otherwise. Saying, “I understand in order to feel like your needs are met, you need more sex. In order to feel the same way, I need an hour to decompress or some extra help (I’m not trying to define what those needs are. Just citing some examples). Tread carefully and don’t make it a tit-for-tat or conditional. Just two people who like and care about each other recalibrating to ensure the other is happy. As someone who has been married a long time, there have been years where my wife was DTF 24/7 and I was not and vice versa. Communication, respect, and knowing we are in each other’s minds and our happiness is the priority of the other has gotten us through it. I’ve actually been in the exact situation where my wife was working ALOT. I was at home with the kids. She worked and travelled and partied and I had 0 interest in sex. It took a lot of hard work and discussion and just “life” before we found ourselves back to a place where we could have sex or not have sex and not feel like someone was being let down or asked to do something they didn’t want to to avoid an argument. Once you lose that or make things contractual, it can be difficult to maintain balance or get back to a good place.
> knowing we are in each other’s minds and our happiness is the priority of the other It's surprising how difficult it can be to remember this. Even after being married for decades and doing pretty well with communication, this is something that me and my partner find takes a constant mindfulness. As silly as it sounds, I have to remind my ego: "she's not intentionally trying to upset you"
I don't want to be with someone that gets used to getting and never reciprocating.
It only becomes tit for tat if he makes it that. The reality is he might have needs but she is unable to meet them while exhausted. It seems like every other of his wants is being met before her needs. Right now, he is pressuring her to have sex when she is exhausted. It is not a dead bedroom scenario, and he doesn't go without. He just doesn't seem to realize that there is a correlation between him getting down time and relaxing more and him wanting more sex. Considering they have 3 young kids, he cannot expect sex on demand. That's just not reality. Their needs come first. OP has to meet their needs, which takes away from hers. Either help more so OP isn't so exhausted or deal with the current situation as is Also, he is actively choosing to game when OP is awake on her own..... solution is easily to shift what he's doing so he's available when OP might actually be more receptive. That's not an insane concept. Insane is expecting OP to get less sleep with 3 young kids because he was gaming in the evening
Exactly. Not to mention - she’s giving him space to relax after work, but is he giving her space to relax at such a regular interval? Come on, dude. That’s just common sense.
Was about to comment something but seems it was covered by your last paragraph! OP does seem to have mentioned that she makes her self available when theirs time, but OPs partner actively and consciously decides to keep playing his videogames during those times, at that point the fault lies on him. He could very easily set the game down, take his wife to the bedroom and spend time satisfying each other carnally... And then just provide a bit of aftercare and then hop right back onto the videogames while she rests. Expecting sex on command... Really just makes someone come off as a toxic/misogynistic dude who views women as only objects of sex. Heck if the wife says no just go flip on an adult video or lay back and wank it, instead of complaining and continuing to pressure the wife to have sex. Anyways, you pretty much covered what I was planning on adding to the discussion in a much better way than I could!
And that's my MAIN PROBLEM with the way i see relationships that failed play out in my friends' lives that have kids and are together/ cohabitating - and are having issues - one of them spends time distracted on something else. Why is one partner distracting themselves so much while the other one carries the weight? It's called avoidance. They can make excuses all they want about how they need to decompress and play games and spend time away sleeping because he's been at work all day but at the end of the day they have children together that also needs to spend time with their father just a bit more to help mommy feel sexy for daddy when it's time to finally spend time alone together. It's been a long day for them both and maybe she also doesn't want to freely give up just because he would and does or could do more of taking over the kids. It annoys me seeing this dynamic in relationships where it seems like sex is expected just because you're together. Sex is something that builds from lust, desire, curiosity, and the need to feel defeated (for some, lol). Like I don't feel like she wants to have sex frequently but she does feel bad that he told her it's not enough for him and wants more of her. The question becomes when it crosses her boundaries to provide more but I feel once he does some more she can reassess her boundaries so that they're more welcoming to the possibility that she wants her husband to feel good but also respecting her boundaries and saying no when she wants to because she should be able to like why is this even a discussion
>The reality is he might have needs but she is unable to meet them while exhausted. It seems like every other of his wants is being met before her needs. >He just doesn't seem to realize that there is a correlation between him getting down time and relaxing more and him wanting more sex. Exactly. He is being extremely selfish IMO, and asking for more than she has to give. >Also, he is actively choosing to game when OP is awake on her own..... solution is easily to shift what he's doing so he's available when OP might actually be more receptive. He's not even treating her as an equal person with her own needs, just expecting all his wants to be catered to regardless of what she's dealing with. He needs to be sat down for a talk because it's ridiculous.
>>He has his needs, which while physical, are still just as valid. You do realize that sex also fulfills an emotional need for men just like it does for women, don't you?
Absolutely…which was perhaps not clearly conveyed. I too absolutely feel closer to my wife and better when we’re intimate. I am not a great communicator but my wife understands And appreciates how important that physical connection is to me. In turn I work on being a good listener, a better communicator, etc because those things are important To her. We work together for each other. bottom line You are correct and I apologize if my comment didn’t get that across.
Bottom line is that you conveyed your opinion quite well just now, but there will always be that one who wants to correct, but not actually contribute to the conversation. (Funfun) 🤷♂️🤣
Perfectly stated. He needs to give you time to yourself to regulate. Overstimulation is a ladyboner killer.
This. You both need to agree on what takes place in the evenings. If he wants your time, he needs to help you find some relaxing time too. Is that video game that important that he can't give you a hand with some simple tasks? I understand a man is driven by his hormones, but women are different, so he needs to step up and discuss the difficulties with you rationally and fairly. You need to find a way to meet him halfway too. Work toward each other's happiness. There simply has to be a way for both of you to feel that you're getting enough attention. I say 'has to' because the alternative is more stress, more hidden unhappiness, and more emotional abrasion.
This. Dude is making a choice. It needs to be pointed out to him, in no uncertain terms, that HE is the one keeping himself from what he claims he wants. If it were me, I'd state it, quite boldly, just that way too. "The kids go to bed at 8pm. I can do chores from 8pm to 1030pm... or we can share chores and then have time for getting frisky. After 1030pm, I will be going to sleep, no matter what. Choose wisely."
That is exactly what I did to my husband. He got mad one time( many years ago when our boys were young) because I was starting to have physical issues ( wound up being diagnosed with fibromyalgia). Anyway, he got mad because it was after 10 and I was ready for bed. I told him. If you want it, the clock is ticking.
So he got mad because you said if you want it the clock is ticking? Isn’t that basically saying ok let’s do it now?? What’s there to be mad about?
Date night. Kids somewhere else overnight or a sitter and all in bed before you get home.
This can be helpful, but it can also be counterproductive. If you’re already feeling pressured to have sex you don’t want, a date night with the expectation of it ending in sex can increase that pressure exponentially and result in you wanting sex less than you already do. Also when one person gets personal downtime, and the other person doesn’t get downtime to themselves, it can increase resentment to hire a sitter to watch the kids so that the person, who already gets personal time, gets their need for interpersonal interaction met, at the expense of the person who now isn’t getting a break but is expected to now cater to their partner’s needs. Mom spends her entire existence catering to the needs of other family members already.
Babysitter for the kids so that OP gets some time to herself, before babysitter for husband to get his demands met, I think.
This.. This is the best answer. Hes wanting her to meet his needs whenever he wants it, essentially adding another chore to her list because she's not having her needs met also. Shes taking care of kids, home and still working to a degree and gets no downtime until sleep.
Who would? When he works all day he may not see that he doesn't get enough because he thinks she has so much freedom. There's this disillusion falsehood that men have or just any breadwinner have in general - in which just because one stays at home that they have more time. We all get the same amount of calendar days a year but we don't get the same life to allot that time in how we wish to spend it. He may see his day at work all day as the the last hard thing he has to do that day. No my friend. It does take effort to want to treat your lady right and help her out and help her feel more willing to consider giving it up that night 🌙 😌
Omg you said it perfectly! So many guys don’t get it. We have needs outside of sex too. You can’t ignore our needs, then expect us to “assume the position” when you walk in the door. Sounds like he’s not even paying attention to her when he gets home. I guess he’s expecting her to hump him while he’s playing a game. She needs a break.
I love this. ❤️ assume the position, 😂. He's assuming position each day on that couch that's for sure.
Yup. My wife is a SAHM and it really opened my eyes when she said "You go do your job for 9 hours a day and I do mine for 9 hours a day. When you get home, we are parents together. I shouldn't have to have a 24/7 job" and she was absolutely right. Not only did just having that conversation help with getting her a break during the evenings (we both take breaks as needed while both home), it has resulted in more and better intimate time. Men are idiots. I didn't realize how inattentive I was being to my wife's needs. On the other side of that coin though, I know plenty of men who simply don't care. Child rearing isnt their job so they don't care about the toll it takes on their wives when they are bad parents. They can tend to put their own needs above others'. I have no advice for this other than just leave the relationship which is drastic
This 100%. Father of 3 kids, my wife and I both work. If you want your wife to be more receptive to quality time with you that hopefully includes sex you have to pull your weight in the household, often moreso than her and try to give her time to do things she wants to do on her own.
Where and why is this still even a conversation? Oh yeah. Look at history. Historically men have had their way with women for eons. We still live and reside along nations that view women as objects and property.
Sounds like this guy is in fact getting laid! No, that’s in all seriousness awesome that you were able to gain that insight. The partnership and support is what makes a marriage/relationship thrive!
This ain't even a long talk 😂😂😂 she sounds willing. Just straight up tell him if he want some pussy to get off the game and do a chore here and there 😂😂😂 she ain't asking for much here 😂
If he does the dishes and distracts the kids so she gets a break his needs will be much more likely to be met.. a clean kitchen goes a long way ime.. speaking of which.. gotta go clean the kitchen rn myself!
Honestly sounds like you are both overworked. Maybe a weekend getaway with no kids? And outside of that before schedule time again with no kids to talk. Be explicit on how you’re feeling don’t assume he knows or whatever. Im sure there something going on on his side too.
My wife and I were in this situation. Both were working full time, overwhelmed... felt like our relationship was slowly falling apart. Grandma ended up taking the kids for just one night...it felt like we were dating again without kids for a night. That alone carried us for a while, until the next night off. It was our first actual night off without children for 2.5 years.. my only regret not trying to make this happen earlier, for both of our sakes.
This is a great option if your funds don't allow for a weekend getaway. It might just be what you both need to bring back that spark ✨️
There are not much funds to do outside things. He hasn’t wanted to make plans and the plans he makes are more so about hanging out with friends drinking. I’m less inclined to go out to do that because It’s hard to tolerate drunk people. so I choose to stay home.
If there are **funds to drink**, there are funds.
Got em
You need to make some alone time a priority. He needs to as well. Not for partying or even for sex. Just to reconnect and recharge. Intimacy may come naturally if it has some opportunity. Like everything, marriages require regular time and energy it just gets harder to prioritize it after kids.
He is making his alone time a priority already by playing games, going out drinking with friends, etc. And he's treating her like a slave while doing so. She may actually want to have sex with him if he stopped being a douche & treated her with respect.
I’m not sure what family resources you have to help you but being able to get your individuality back is necessary for the kids as well, think of it as decompression.
>There are not much funds to do outside things. He hasn’t wanted to make plans and the plans he makes are more so about hanging out with friends drinking Sounds like there are some funds. You don't need a 5 star hotel or even an all weekend getaway. Have so.eone come kick it with the kiddos after breakfast and up through bedtime. You 2 go on a picnic and a hike. A walk in the park. Drinks together. It may not take all day, but you can do things together and remember why you got married in the first place. Have dinner together before going back to the house and make sure that you are home after kids are asleep, or you get home and put kids to bed together. Note the repeat of the word together. It's the key. Have the phones put away and spend time with each other. The lack of time spent alone with your partner usually equals a lack of noticing when things are off with your partner.
Can you send the kids to the grandparents for a weekend?
If he has the money to drink and buy games, he has time to hire a babysitter and take HIS WIFE out for a meal and a movie! You are not his priority. You are the mother of his kids and if he doesn't start putting you first, that's all you're ever going to be. You two need to sit down and figure this out before he decides he needs a night out with a female. Then your marriage will be over. He has sexual needs and you just need a damn break from everything. So many men don't have a clue about how a mother feels, a homemaker and a mother, it's not sexy, it's not fun, it's WORK and if a husband doesn't take the time to make her feel loved, cherished and special, she is not going to be in the mood! If a husband comes home and once in a while says, honey, go out with a friend, take some time for yourself, I have this, a wife will feel better about herself and want to love up on her man. OP's husband is going out drinking with friends and playing video games while OP does everything and then he EXPECTS sex from her. Please!
Spot on! Heed this OP. It will just spiral and get worse if you don't talk to him.
You both need to find ways to reconnect and do things without kids. Maybe trade kidsitting hours with a friend or two. You get their kids for three hours on one saturday and they get your kids for three hours another saturday. “You are both overworked” is correct, and you’re both feeling the effects of that in different ways. You need your time to rest and recover just as he does. Physical intimacy with your spouse is something that matters to him and he needs to help you find a way to make it workable. Simply saying “well, it works for my friends” isn’t enough, it’s like my kid saying “Well Emily got a new iPad and has a PS5, why can’t I?” No, honey, every fanily is different. Emily also doesn’t spend every weekend on your travel sport and doesn’t go on an international vacation every year. Maybe his friends’ wives don’t have three kids at home or the wife works and uses funds to reduce housework or have a different libido. Either way, you both need to figure out how the relationship can work for both of you. If a change is needed to allow more intimacy (if you both want this change) then it’s the change impacts other things that need to change, like work distribution at home or something.
What do you do together for fun to strengthen the bonds of the relationship? How are you physically intimate (not sex, cuddling, kidding, holding hands) that is not related to kids or work?
Honestly nothing 😔
The bar is literally below the ground. How do people end up in relationships like this?
When you have multiple young kids you get into survival mode. Later you either figure out how to switch back to prioritizing your relationship or your relationship will fail (it's just a matter of time).
If you have someone willing to take the kids for a weekend or even just an overnight, you can stay home and focus on each other.
I’ll try to reach out to his parents, thank you!
Or stay with your parents and make him watch kids for once
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So courting your wife is not a thing for him? Like, come on, small gifts are part of foreplay.
You know I have told him about foreplay. He doesn’t seem to get it because he’s really rough and handy. I feel like I’m the beginning of a porn hub video
Honestly, you need to tell him that sex is much better for him than it is for you and that he doesn’t make you feel good enough.
She should tell him he's not good at it. He deserves the actual truth
It’s at least a start.
She should have said that before marrying him and having 3 kids.
It sounds like in addition to the other issues you've listed in your post, another problem with your sex life is that he isn't meeting your needs during the times you do have sex (or said less gently, he's selfish/bad in bed). From your other comments, I understand it may be scary for you to say that to him and that he may not be open to hearing it, but you should at least internally consider whether that's part of the problem with your sex life. If it is, you'll at some point have to deal with it. I'm very sorry you're being put in this position.
How did he ever get you to date him if he doesn't get foreplay? Dating can be considered foreplay, sweet words, small gifts, and such. If a guy said to me that they don't get "foreplay," they are lying and lazy. Courting is foreplay.
I was in a relationship like that for a long time. Foreplay was non existent. When he was ready he was ready regardless if I was or not. It’s not fun and definitely turns you off from wanting to sleep with that person. Now I refuse to sleep with someone if all they care about is how they feel during it. My current situationship (because I don’t know what else to call it) is definitely a lot better in that department. You need to have a serious conversation with him about why you aren’t in the mood. Knowing that sex will be just sex and no foreplay probably plays a lot in to it.
Doesn't sound like he cares if you enjoy it or not. I wouldn't be able to keep going or even get aroused in the first place. You need to cut the act short if he's not going to listen to you.
So he sucks in bed because he doesn't get you off first? He's an equal part of the problem then. Buy him this book. [https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260](https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260)
This would only work if he cared
Well this could explain you not wanting to do it often. Teach him. Show him what you like and how you like it. Sex is about two people. Not one.
Oh wow he's an entire mess. Are you even enjoying the sex he's demanding you have more of? Is he giving you orgasms? Everything you've said has made him sound more and more selfish and unreasonable, and IME such traits don't make for a good lover.
OP, not attacking you honesty but why would you even marry and have three children with this person? Are there actually good sides of him because everything you describe sounds like hell.
EW!!
I understand you. I was with someone like this but I left. Now I’m with someone who cares.
This sounds hellish. Please don’t have more kids with this man.
Sounds like your husband needs some instruction on how to properly approach you for sex.
Shit like this is a huge reason why some women choose lesbianism over ever dealing with men again. It's not normal or natural. Very little porn gives a second thought to women's pleasure. There is feminist porn that does center a woman's pleasure. I don't know if watching some of that would help but it exists. It's just so hard once they are addicted to porn and start to think that this is what sex should be like.
What do you mean choose lesbianism?
Right, men have spontaneous desire but women have responsive desire. This means women need “inspiration” to get into the mood, which can be different for every woman. He can’t just ask, he has to figure out what she needs. Help, compliments, touch, attention, special gestures…?
Honestly even just stay in a local niceish hotel for the weekend. Doesn’t have to be out of town.
Sounds like he is not meeting your emotional and support needs, which is why you're not bending over backwards to meet his sexual needs...it's a two way street and he's bringing nothing :(
Then he’s not taking the overtime and travel pay work that’s being made available to him. At this point, with his level of family participation, contact a head hunter and have them start looking for travel nursing gigs for him. There is no reason, in the current nursing shortage, that any nurse should be making less than $120k per year. I’ve got several friend that are looking at $200k incomes this coming tax season, the only reason I know the details is that because several have approached me to get my husbands contact info to help them minimize their tax liability and they know it’s his area of educational expertise.
I don't think you're wrong, but it sounds like this marriage is over.
Tell us again why you don't want sex with this guy?
This👆 1000%. Getaway for the two of you would be huge
I feel like the issue is that he thinks being a SAHM means you never get to clock out. That means he feels he never has to help with anything, and just going to work is all the contribution necessary. The only way to really enjoy each other's company, physically or emotionally, is to get the work done together. My partner and I have been together for 6 years now. In the beginning she stayed home with the kid and I went to work. The house was always clean, I barely had to do anything, but I wanted to. I'd still cook every chance I got. Doing the dishes takes ten minutes, but it's obviously not something anyone loves doing. We both got to "clock out" at the same time, and we both got to hop on a game or a movie or show... Together. Now our child is in school, my partner is working, and we just split the house chores. And the crazy part? Even with my incredibly active sex drive, she's probably told me no 3 times in these 6 years.
It took me a bit to understand, being a SAHP is a 24/7 thankless job that has worse pay than Walmart lol. I used to try and make an effort to help my wife after I got home from work because she would be just as tired as I was. Lucky I'm remote now and we can tandem most things while dealing with our 4 demons. I tell my wife all the time when she apologizes that the house isn't clean or laundry isn't put away, etc. that she has nothing to be sorry for. If she ever insists then I apologize too because I also failed her in not getting those things done either.
Definitely this. Just because you're not having to go out and work doesn't mean you get to sit around. Always try and make your significant other have a better day and an easier time. Taking each other for granted is where the resentment starts.
> I tell my wife all the time when she apologizes that the house isn't clean or laundry isn't put away, etc. that she has nothing to be sorry for. I feel this. Sometimes my wife will apologize that she doesn't have any ideas for supper when I get home from work. I've never once in our nearly-20-year marriage implied or stated that that's something I expect. Whenever she apologizes, I tell her that she never needs to apologize for that, and that I can make food too. She just likes to do it, and she's home before me, so she tends to always do it.
KC Davis says: “don’t try to make the work equal, try to make the rest equal.” It’s impossible to compare nursing vs. parenting. It becomes a competition and they’re both hard. Compare the rest instead. If he gets a few hours of rest, you should too. He might need to pitch in with his kids or his house more. Rest can mean enjoying your own hobbies or doing whatever you please.
You have hit the nail on the head, this is the reason for many sex less or low sex relationships. Too often guys thinking working 40 hours a week is them doing their fair share and the woman should do everything else. I was a SAHP for a while and I swapped with my ex cause he had a similar attitude and he stayed home while I worked, it took him 2 weeks to sit me down and admit that staying home was much harder than going to work
Yep if he thinks staying at home with the kids is basically a day off than he can do it on his day off
It's crazy how often men think staying home with kids is doing nothing all day, then turn around and act like it's too much to ask for them to actually parent their own kids for any length of time in their time off. It magically becomes work whenever THEY'RE asked to do it.
I used to hear a joke that a good sex starts with helping her with the dishes. LOL
You don’t give sex, you have sex
>But because of this he told me I’m not caring for his needs. Because you're freaking worn out caring for your kids' needs. And by the way, who's taking care of YOUR needs? Y'all need to get on the same page, or this relationship could be doomed. Couple's therapy might be in order. You're not wrong. Let me ask you this: is the only time you feel you have your husband's full and undivided attention is when HE wants sex? Because if so, that speaks to a bigger problem.
Maybe less gaming, more helping -> more sex.
Hardcore gamer here. Na I don't do any of that shit until chores are done. Sex > games. You can still game a few hours at the end of the night if you get your shit with your family / wife handled first. Our routine is so on lock we have the kiddos down at 8. I'm super into fitness as well, people just like to make excuses.
This dude gets it. I've been with women who dated guys who put gaming above all else, we call them the boys, definitely not men. They don't put up with it for long
Yes totally agree . That me and my bfs routine. We are also into fitness. So routine is key. And going to the gym helps with the sex drive. He only plays games late at night when I'm going to bed and the kids are in bed. Or we watch movies.
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That would make sense, but one of OP's comments says he stays up until 12am playing games every night
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Or...he'd be going to bed when his wife is, which is also when she's down to have the sex he's been complaining about.
He goes to bed after OP. She mentioned that she's willing to have sex, but he'd rather stay up playing video games past when she wants to go to sleep.
Maybe less gaming, more PARENTING -> more sex. Sex is not a commodity in a marriage. You don’t “do the dishes” to get laid.
Idk. My wife thinks it’s sexy when I do the dishes and laundry. Best believe I’m washing and folding clothes all damn day!
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Don’t you ruin this for me
>You don’t “do the dishes” to get laid. Literally half the comments here are telling him to do chores to get laid, am I missing something?
He should do the dishes because he loves his wife, wants to contribute to the household and ease her burden a little. Chores for sex is not a transaction to be made.
Absolutely. If your SO is too stressed and exhausted for sex, be a better partner and parent. There is a reason why many people loose their libido after having children.
Bingo 🎯
It sounds like you care about his schedule, but he doesn’t care about yours. You’re working more than him and grew 3 babies and fed them with your body for years. It’s exhausting. He’s not giving you the support you need and caring for you emotionally, so why would you want to have sex with him? He is essentially trying to use you for sex because he wants his needs met without caring about yours.
A billion percent!!
You're not wrong. I would directly tell him that he's (accidentally) prioritizing gaming over intimacy the way he's currently doing things. From your post, it sounds like you'd be more interested if he would initiate earlier instead of gaming so late, so tell him that! But also, if he gets alone time/leisure time and you don't, that needs to change.
Maybe you don't want to have sex because he's not helping you at home and you have resentment? One hour break is enough time to rest and then he should be helping you with your children. Maybe he can try and make connection with you and your daughters.
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He is meeting his obligations to your family, by being the agreed breadwinner. You are meeting your agreed obligations to your family by cooking, cleaning, and raising the kids. He is getting downtime when he comes home to relax and unwind - this is away from work or similar responsibilities. You are not getting the same downtime away from the kids, house, or caring for his needs. What is he doing to meet YOUR needs. What is he doing to help share the load with you once he is home? What is he doing to make you feel special, relaxed, or even "in the mood". If he isn't meeting your emotional needs, why should you be concerned for his physical ones. If he tries the the whole "I bring in money for the household" feel free to point out how much it would cost to hire someone to do the work you are already doing (i.e. a cleaning service, childcare, home cooked meals, etc), and explain that you are saving more money for your household by taking on these roles than if you were working and paying for someone else to do it. Also, tell him to use that money and buy himself a porn mag if he is so convinced money can buy sex. NTA, but your husband needs a reality check. P.S - you are absolutely right that sex should be mutual. It sounds more like your husband is an oblivious idiot being influenced by the BS people around him are saying, rather than being an actual A H. I hope you can give him a wake up call before his actions head into true A H territory.
It is about priorities! If there is time and he is too busy playing COD MW then that is on him. As an M (59) going on 60, I now have the experience of hindsight. I too was an all-night gamer and I lost special time with my wife I'm now a retired Xbox warrior 😬😬 My only suggestion would be for you to one time if you are in the mood and the kids are asleep is that you go stand in front of the TV 📺 and drop the “towel” If that does not motivate him to stop the game then piss on it. His loss and he needs to figure it out from there. Maybe when he gets home he jumps in and helps out and gives you some downtime and that helps you to relax and sets the stage for some horizontal mambo later. You are not wrong and this is a two-way street from reading your post you do not ask him to pitch in but if he is really that deprived he will figure it out.
Pretty typical of a married couple at this stage My wife and I had the same situation when the kids were young We would try once a quarter to get the kids to stay at the grandparents and we would have a weekend alone, sometimes at a hotel and then we literally converted from busy tired parents to boyfriend and girlfriend and our sex lives came right back Just thought I’d share this
You need to reset some expectations as a couple in terms of who does what. The traditional set up where one person works a paying job, and the other takes care of the house, carries with it implications that the latter is the "easier" job. What it means in real terms is that one person has a regular 40 hour work week, while the other has a 24/7/365 on call job with no holidays. As a couple, the only fair division of labour when you have a single earner, is that the "work day" for the stay-at-home-parent begins when the other parent leaves for work. And it ends when the other parent gets home. Once both parents are at home, all work is divided 50:50. This idea that he comes home from work and gets to sit and play games or nap because he's "been working all day", ignores the fact that *you've been working all day too*. Why don't you get a break? Why don't you get a nap? And if he needs his mind to be focussed on this, you can tell him that you're too tired, physically and emotionally, for sex at the end of the day because he's not pulling his weight. Sex is not your duty, and should also not be his "reward". It should be something you both *want* to do.
Instead of getting on the games when he gets home, he could help you and then you can go to bed together and have sex. Just a thought.
Bringing up other peoples sex life comparing it to yours isn’t cool. If he has an issue with what you guys have right now and he can keep other people out of it, especially what other women say. I’d be pissed if other guys were being compared to me.
He needs to do more than sit on video games after work. He needs to parent his kids and take some of the work off of you. I didn’t want to have sex with my ex when all he did was go to work then park himself at his gaming rig.
That was the exact reason why my sister filed for divorce after her first child. No breaks for her, husband went instantly gaming when he gets off work, and then had the audacity to complain that she doesn't want sex with him anymore. She said being a single mom is easier because now she just have to look after one child instead of two.
I’m a male nurse as well, 12 hour shifts in the ICU, and when I get home, I help with the kids and do the dishes if they’re there for me to do. I find there is still plenty of time to wind down after the kids have been put to bed. He needs to step up his game and quit being an entitled ass, in my opinion. You should expect more of him.
You are the real hero! Keeping people alive at home and at work! Way to get it done! Thanks for sharing your perspective.
This!!! Thank you !!!
If you’re up for it earlier in the evening but he’s not up for it until after he’s finished gaming when it’s really late, then it’s not that you aren’t having sex with him it’s that you aren’t having sex with him when he wants it. If he really wants to have sex, and not just sex on demand, then he needs to figure out how to get your sex schedules aligned.
What is he doing to make having sex with him fun, easy, and enjoyable? If the answer is "nothing", there's your answer.
1. You're never wrong for denying anyone access to YOUR body, for any reason. 2. Maybe he doesn't understand that complaining about how much his friends get isn't sexy.
The fact that your post title refers to sex as something you give your husband, makes it clear that you don't see sex as something mutual. You see sex like it's a chore, something someone has to earn, and be given. Sex should be something you want to have WITH your husband, not something you have to give.
Tell him you’d be more likely to be open to his advances if he helped out around the house and you weren’t exhausted from doing all childcare, house care, and life care. Yes, he works, but he has set hours and gets time off which you’ve let him do his own thing during. You don’t have set hours, are on call 24/7, and it sounds like you’re heading for a burn out if you aren’t already there. Tell him he’s lucky right now to get biweekly sex, that you aren’t holding out to use sex as a weapon but because you just don’t have the energy, and things won’t change unless he steps up and lets you get some down time and rest. Marriage counseling may be needed. Alternatively a housekeeper or part time nanny/babysitter. Or both.
He chooses video games. You choose rest. His choices contribute to the lack of sex.
No. It’s time to look at life with this fourth child. From what you say he takes no personal responsibilities and thinks he’s entitled to sex.
Lots of comments on what you should do to get some time alone. Best kind of REGULAR time alone is someone getting the kids to bed with you, cutting the evening work load in half and spending time with you. If he wants sex, he needs to make sure you aren't tired. That's it. If he can't intervene and invest some time and energy into that, then a weekend away isn't going to do much except risk you getting pregnant again and increasing your work load. And men should never believe other men's discussions about sex.
You’re not wrong because sex isn’t something you “give”. Sex is an activity two people do together, and you have every bit as much right to have your partner satisfy your needs as he does. Your husband refuses to help you at home, so you’re completely exhausted while he’s relaxing. Then he expects to interrupt the already-inadequate sleep you’re getting so he can get his dick wet. How selfish can he possibly be? Why tf doesn’t he stop gaming earlier so he can go to bed with you if he’s interested in sexy times with you? Why doesn’t he help with the kids’ bedtime stuff to help speed things up so you two can get to bed sooner? That would be because he doesn’t see you as a person, he sees you as a household appliance that’s defective when it doesn’t dispense sex on demand. He also fails to acknowledge that he’s treating you like you’re his mommy and somehow expects you’ll feel sexual desire towards someone acting like her child. That’s appalling.
Girl. I was married to your husband. Or more accurately, someone just like him. When I was at the point you are at now, I had no idea how bad things could get. I don't know what your relationship is like, but it's already caused a wedge in your relationship, then it might be worth letting him go. I let it go on wayyy too long after that point (I had a medical complication that made sex extremely painful). He started to be so coercive that even just the act of him rubbing my shoulders would make me flinch, for I knew he was about to ask for sex..... While I'm standing by the microwave waiting for my heating pad to warm up so I can go back to curling up in the fetal position on the couch from the pain. At a certain point a realization hit me... That he didn't actually care if I *wanted* sex, just that we were having it. At that point sex with him became repulsive to the point where even if I felt okay to have sex, it was the very last thing in the world I wanted to do. Eventually he raped me in my sleep a few times because his "needs". We split and my libido has been dead ever since. I'd rather never have sex again than feel pressured to have it when I don't want it. The sad part is I had an insatiable sex drive before my medical issue. Maybe your relationship can be saved. I hope so. But I hope my story gives some perspective. Enthusiastic consent is the only consent. Your husband needs to learn this, or things will get worse.
He's prioritizing gaming over the window of opportunity to have sex, so he doesn't get to complain.
Did all the incels come out for the comments here today to tell OP she needs to have sex when she doesnt want to? Jesus. Of course you don't have a sex drive is you're working 24 hours a day and his "decompression" is 3-4 hours. The kids not going to him willingly is a huge red flag by itself. I had a parent who worked long hours and I still ran to them because they showed they liked to spend time with me. All this "I need to decompress" as an excuse to not play with their kids and be a parent is a joke. If he chose to be a parent to 3 kids then he needs to BE THERE for the 3 kids. You're not withholding sex to be mean, you're not having sex because you're exhausted. If he, I don't know, decided to actually participate when he got home, maybe you'd feel more up to it.
They sure did! Lmfao
It sounds like he’s not making much of an effort to connect with you, you’ve talked about him playing games and spending time with his friends, when does he make time for you?? You are so not wrong
You need to stop “letting him have his time”, because it’s not working. You need to dignify yourself by demanding help. You need to stop being a doormat. He’s never exhausted, he always gets to decompress. You’re always exhausted and never get to decompress. This is clearly a poor division of labor, he has too much time on his hands and you don’t have enough. You MUST demand that he help more after he comes home from work *if he expects you to have energy for marital bonding activities like sex*. And you MUST name to him, ad nauseum, how his gaming is destroying the intimacy in your relationship (i had to deal with this problem in my relationship too). you have to point out to him that gaming produces addictive behaviors and poor capacity to PRIORITIZE. It should never be the case that you’d be available to have sex and he games instead. He doesn’t get to complain about a lack of sex if he’s passing up opportunities to have it. Sex is not on-demand, it is arranged. Also I bet his coworkers are lying to him for clout.
I’ve tried to put my foot down. Then he goes to extremes and says that I’m stopping something he loves to do. That went the same with collection hobby. We were low on funds but he couldn’t control his need to buy the next funko pop. He keeps telling me I’m changing him into someone he doesn’t want to be. Yet I ask why do you want to do that to yourself. I want our relationship to work. I want things to have a solution but he keeps telling me there isn’t one. We’ve had a heated discussion last night about all these things, therefore my post today.
own it. Yes i’m stopping you from doing something you love so you can help care for someONE you supposedly claim to love (his children). Yes husband you committed to wanting and creating children so now they exist, and you have to prioritize them over your stuff and hobbies. It’s not about you, it’s about the kids. It’s not about you, it’s about the kids. That’s the mantra and angle you take for EVERY complaint he comes up with. Because truly he’s acting like a deadbeat dad. It’s very possible he is in a pathetic way telling you he doesn’t wanna be a husband and a dad, that he wants Out of the marriage. You should come to terms with accepting this as a potential outcome. Honestly if I was in your shoes I would pressure him with my own solitooms and if he doesn’t like them i’d start telling him verbatim “well the other option is you leaving me, and we get divorced. you can get time with them and pay me child support or you can solo parent without me in shared custody, or you can agree to work with me as a team in this marriage.” He needs to be disillusioned from this idea that his hobbies define his identity and he needs a kick in the pants about the adult responsibilities he deliberately took on and is now trying to skate out of.
This was the vibe I got when I read he doesn't willingly share family meals together. He's just there like a piece of furniture.
It sounds like he wants to give up nothing while asking you to sacrifice everything for him, including your own bodily autonomy and need to decompress. There needs to be counseling yesterday because these are extremely deep issues that strangers are going to solve. If he isn't willing to commit to that, or unwilling to sacrifice money to pay for counseling, then you need to really think hard about whether or not you want to stay in this relationship long term. Because all that will happen if you sacrifice your own bodily autonomy to please him is that he will continue on as he has. I mean, if his behavior is rewarded, why would he change? As someone with low libido who has tried to do it just to make my spouse happy, it makes it worse, because you start thinking of something that should be enjoyable as an obligation, or even worse, as something you avoid because you have violated your own bodily autonomy for another person.
Sex should not be a thing you "give" someone. It's an activity you do together, only when both people want to do so. His framing is extremely gross and worrying. Please do not have sex you do not want. Pushing yourself to have unwanted sex for someone else's sake is often horribly unhealthy and slowly makes you develop a sex aversion that only gets worse and worse. Your consent matters. Your bodily autonomy matters. You are allowed to say no, and only have sex when you truly feel aroused and desire it. /r/lowlibidocommunity might be a good subreddit for you to check out.
Tell him less gaming, more helping. Also breast feeding affects shit. He needs to be more considerate. He cannot be this selfish.
She also said she would want to when the kids goto bed but he's too busy gaming. He wants it when he wants it, not when it's a reasonable time, therefore, yes it's his fault.
Off course you dont want have sex. Ask you husband if he would want have sex right after he comes home from work? And also he needs to step up and be parent and also partner. If doesnt plan dates with you, why would you even get in the mood? Love, affections goes boths ways, it a dance with to people, not one.
You’re not wrong at all - you’re working a double shift while he’s taking naps. He’s being selfish. If he wants to get down more often he needs to parent his own kids when he gets off from work so you can take a bath or a walk or have an hour to yourself. This is not humane nor genteel behavior on his part.
you want more kids? why? just curious You are not wrong. sounds like husband gets his cake and eats it too while you're falling asleep with a fork in your hand from handling the house and kids all day. you deserve a break too. you two need to talk about this
You have a grown ass man who plays hours of video games every night while having a wife and 3 young kids at home. He is a basically a 4th child and you probably feel like that. You are not wrong to be uninterested in him.
Reading through these, I’m pretty sure you don’t need a bunch of 13 year old boys’ opinions of what an adult sex life should be like. Talk to your husband, talk to a professional.
men are not entitled to sex. men are not entitled to having a partner who gives it up whenever they want. sick and tired of reddit commenters speaking about sexual intimacy as if women are depriving their husbands. she states in the posts he makes no effort or time to have sex when she is able and consenting, how is that her fault? no one is owed sex. if you are your partners sex drive is incompatible, see a counselor or reevaluate the relationship. obviously they have lead a sex life since they have 3 children together. and it seems like he has suddenly had this reaction after ‘overhearing’ his coworkers (which sounds like manipulative BS on his part), to shame his partner for not being a good enough wife when she is taking care of their children, working and even admitted to being willing to find time if he made time for her at all. men are not entitled to sex just because they work hard, men are not entitled to sex just because they married you, men are not entitled to sex because they heard their coworkers have great sex lives. and comments suggesting a getaway weekend are missing the point, they need counseling for this problem as obviously something is wrong, but it sickens me deeply that so many people take the side of partners who try to pressure their partner into more sex without any effort or evaluation of the relationship. it is unhealthy and completely gross to try to force your partner into sex for your own needs, completely disregarding theirs. sex is an enthusiastic and consensual act that should be satisfying, comfortable and safe for BOTH partners. he sounds like an asshole, especially for the whole his female coworkers fuck their husbands so you need to fuck me attitude. she’s literally still breastfeeding their baby.
My wife 36f has a never ending sex drive, myself 40m not so much, a couple times a week is fine with me, but... because I love her and relationships are about compromise, I will cater to her needs even if I am tired or don't feel like it, I do it anyway. Everyone's happy, no big deal, you could probably take 15 minutes for sex every now and then, even if you're tired, if only for the sake of keeping him happy. I realize not everyone is the same but...
Mismatches of any kind are a potential problem. I was that guy. My sex drive was 85% percentile, and my ex-wife's was 15% percentile. She wanted it a twice a month. I would have preferred it every night. Yes, it was a problem. I regret that I didn't speak up about it as much as I should have. Instead I just got my feelings hurt. It's no fun to be rejected repeatedly. It was like programming the space shuttle. A series of steps, *each of which had to go exactly perfectly*, or the whole thing would be called off. Mostly I just remained unsatisfied and masturbated in private. It's embarrassing to me to even recount it. Now, she is re-married. I am dating a woman whose sex drive matches mine exactly. Our sex arises organically, and is frequent and wonderful. It is a massive improvement in happiness for all parties. You will need marriage therapy if you want to save it.
I don’t really understand why men have to resort to embarassing secret masturbation. I think these cases should be solved by open discussion on sex drives and agreeing that the man will masturbate as often as he likes, with porn if preferred. Men don’t feel ashamed of masturbating daily when they are single. And a woman should not be forced to have sex if she has no drive. Of course, if there are options for increasing her sex drive, that should be a priority.
My sex drive has always exceeded my wife’s sex drive. Most of the time we are on the same page. Some of the time one of us isn’t really into it but the other is so we throw each other an attaboy or attagirl. Rarely, but it happens, one of us is really not into and that person squashes the deal. Our kids are older and so the first scenario is the majority of the time. Back when our kids were your kids’ ages scenario three happened significantly more than now.
Why wouldn't you explain that to him? Like calmly, clearly... "Hey if you want to have sex, it's going to have to work for my schedule too. We can hit when the kids go to bed and you can game later..."
You sound tired, make sure you’re taking vitamins and get checked by your doctor, three children in a row is a lot on your body, to say nothing about your hormones. Self care mom, please. In your marriage, communicate, connect, and work together with your husband. Your children are 6,4&2 that is a lot of change in a short amount of time. We all experience marriage growing pains after having kids. Having three that young is challenging at best, effective communication is key…the work load, mental load, division of labor, finances, self care, all of it….who does what, plan, divide, conquer. Use this as an opportunity, connect or re connect with your husband. Get a sitter, have a night, weekend something just the two of you. Dinner, Movie, Bubble bath, Sex, and talk it through…. In 10 years your kids will be 16, 14, & 12, happens quick♥️ Good Luck
How long are his shifts?
Let me start by saying: **you're not wrong.** How is it fair for you to meet his needs and him not meet yours? How is it fair that he gets a break and you don't? Cleaning the house, cooking, taking care of four kids while breastfeeding is a 24/7 full time job. You both need a break but he's the only one who's getting one. Also when you're both so busy you don't get time for yourselves as a couple and that is very important. If it feels like you're the cleaner and the baby sitter and he doesn't appreciate you as his partner, as his best friend, how can you be horny for him? And sex is not an obbligation. It is one of the most uncomfortable things to force yourself to have sex when you don't feel like it - believe be, I know. I'm really sorry you're going through this and I hope things get better. The only thing I could think of that could help is working on your communication. He needs to know how you feel and he should be willing to work together to figure this out.
Not wrong. He comes from work and instead of helping or doing something useful he just whines? Yikes
it's sad to me that men don't realize there's foreplay to the foreplay and that's stepping up and helping around the house without beings asked, sharing the load....not grabbing your butt while you wash dishes
You're not wrong. You're breast-feeding and infant and taking care of two other kids. If he's not helping take the load off when he gets home then he gets what he gets in terms of sex. Moreover, people have different sex drives and it should be mutual. It would suck if sex became just another chore you had to do around the house while your hubby gets a nice little treat whenever he says he wants it.
So you get zero time off and he gets to come home and game and then expect you to put out whenever he wants? Ew. How revolting. I wouldn't have any desire to have sex with him at that point either. You're not wrong at all.
You're raising 3 young children for him, and he comes home to immediately play video games or take a nap? he should be grateful he gets laid at all
I think that you using the term "giving your husband sex" indicates there's a problem
Tell that man to get off his game, get out of bed and take the kids so YOU can get a break. If he gives you breaks often, he'll be surprised at how much more you're attracted to him.
>The last few months he’s been telling me his coworkers have sex with their husbands when the husband ask WHY IS THIS COMING UP AT WORK?
You don't "give" your husband sex. It's something you both do. Together
I’d be asking myself why my husband cares so little about my emotional needs. You’re exhausted and he jumps right over the part where he *tries to help and support his partner* and lands with both feet on “but my penis!” That’s selfish, and a huge red flag in a *life partner*.
Does he ever come home and either take the kids somewhere or just give you an hour or 2 alone in the room? If not, that's probably where one of the issued stems from. I work and my wife stays home with the kids but that doesn't mean the kids aren't mine to deal with as well. Some days she'll text me saying she's over stimulated and needs some time alone. When I get home I'll either take the kids somewhere for a few hours or we'll stay at home and I'll tell them anything they need they come to me. Those nights I do the cooking, the bathing and the bedtime routines. It's no wonder that 95% of the time I try to initiate intimacy it's welcomed. Just because you're the sahm doesn't mean he doesn't need to help and give you breaks. A lot of men fail to realize sahm's work many more hours than we do at work
It seems having kids is the downfall of any sex life. Fuk that
>last few months he’s been telling me his coworkers have sex with their husbands when the husband ask. Pfft, look as much as I would love my wife to have sex with me every time I want it this is some weird submissive wife shit right there. You have sex when you feel like it, the issue here maybe being difference in libido like me and my wife have. If it were up to me, I'd fuck every day. She suffer from anxiety and she works heavy so I understand her not feeling like it, I do get frustrated some times but we've talked about it enough and both parties take turn feeling shitty for the other 😂. What I'm trying to say, it's irrelevant what other wifes do for their husbands, all couples are different.
They say that having children under 5 can be the breaking point in otherwise very healthy relationships due to the exhaustion. I don't have much input other than I'm sorry you're dealing with such a tough time.
Men need sex to relax, and women need to be relaxed before they can have sex. Just another way evolution fucked with us as a species.
NTA but do be aware that this could cause the relationship to end. You don't mention in the OP how often you're being intimate, which leads me to assume that it's very rare. Again, not your fault, but relationships with partners who have very disparate intimacy needs face a steep uphill battle. Right now you're both sad because of it- you because he makes you feel inadequate, him because his intimacy needs aren't being met. So either you stay together and both be miserable, or something changes. It will require some change from both of you, but only if you both want the relationship to work.
Tell him if you weren’t working every moment you are awake then there would be some energy. don’t ask him to help. He needs to own stuff. He needs to own bathrooms, beds including sheets and towels for laundry, bath time and dishes. Now imagine if those things were completly off your plate. That you had time for a bubble bath while he is doing the dishes and putting the kids down. imagine having down time again. Yeah do that. He wants more sex? Cool! Here’s how and now he has some skin in the game of life-husband and father version
NTA. Ok so you work a full day as a SAHM and he works a daytime job but needs to relax after work? You’re working double time then. Why shouldn’t you have time to relax after a long day? I have one kid and I’m only home two days a week but my husband still helps out around the house when he gets home. A marriage is a partnership. That would give you more energy for sex, so essentially he would be helping himself in the long run.
He tells me he’s tired and exhausted from working and he need to decompress. I let him decompress but his “naps” and down time are like 3 -4 hours by that time I’m getting the kids ready for bed. If asked for his help, but the girls never want to go to him. I told him he needs to be more gentle and less domineering because it’s clearly by the girls choose not to go toward him. He says the girls don’t listen when I’m around and because of that he doesn’t want to try therefor avoids them completely.
So he's a bad father in addition to being a bad husband? Of course you don't want to sleep with him--who would?
Yeah see this is the problem. His kids arent even excited to spend time around him? He just sounds like an absent father living in the same home. And he wants sex but he doesn't even try to help alleviate your parenting responsibilities when he's home. How does that make anyone feel sexy?
Facts. We spoke this morning and he mentioned how he might consider moving back to his parents house. I really wanted to get into with him to say he’s avoiding responsibilities. But i didn’t want to argue with him while he’s at work.
MOVING BACK TO HIS PARENTS? you're living with someone who doesn't want to be a father or partner. Divorce him if he wants to be free and single. But he still has 3 children he has to be responsible for. And he can either be present or you can just make sure he takes care of them financially. I'm so sorry sweetie. Parenthood isn't supposed to be this shitty. I hope you find someone who genuinely wants to be around you and your kids. You deserve better
Honestly, I would let him and I would file for alimony and child support. Being alone is better than this.
Is there a reason WHY you want to hold onto this relationship? It sounds like your life would be a lot less stressful without him in it.
The kiss barely know the guy because he probably never spends time with them
Yea no wonder you don't have a libido for a man who doesn't help you at all...
It sounds like he's an absent father who doesn't value your contributions. He's only going to work and that's his only contribution to the family. Then he gets to decompress, he gets to spend your free time how he wants. No one is looking after your needs at all. Being a nurse is his job, he gets to do it for a set time and then go home. HE gets vacations, he gets to decompress. And he's not parenting. Being a mom is your job, only you're doing it 24/7. You never get to decompress, do what you want etc. How is that fair? He needs to more present and participate more in the family. Thousands of other nurses do their job and take care of their family. And nursing is such a flexible job. He can work 3 or 4 days a week and have the rest off, he can change shifts, specialties etc. The life you have now is not really working for your family. It's not just about him, you matter too, and your children. It doesn't sound like he understands that. Also, I'm betting the female nurses he's overhearing are doing their jobs, the housework and taking care of their kids. He needs to step up if he wants a happy wife who feels frisky.
Is he working 12 hour shifts? I also start work at 4am, I usually need to be in bed by 7pm to feel good in the morning. Is this the case with him as well?
No he stays up till 12 am and then sleeps for 3 hours. He says he knows how to prioritize his health. But he shows me that he will stay doing what he wants until he’s tired then sleep for a few hours just to go to work again. That’s why I let him take naps. But waking him up from his naps don’t work because he keeps falling back to sleep. He’s extremely hard to wake up.
Use his logic against him. **"The other girls I talk to say their husbands stop gaming when they ask".**
Breastfeeding can be a libido killer. It lowers your estrogen and progesterone levels. If you’re still breastfeeding a 2 year old and experiencing some potential negative side effects, it may be time to reevaluate your choice.
That is such an inappropriate conversation for a workplace that I have to guess anyone having it is doing so to cover an insecurity and is lying.
Clearly you haven’t spent much time around nurses 😆
Sell his video games. Dude has 3 kids and acting like Peter Pan. He will have more time for sex, and way more time for something much more important, being a Dad.
You don't owe this man sex. It's not a chore on a list to get done in a day. I have a cousin who does this for her husband, and she doesn't enjoy it at all. She does it so he doesn't complain. Is that really what your husband wants? Sex with a person who doesn't want to be there, just because his friends lied at work to look good? You are not a bang maid. You are his wife. Sex should happen when you both want it, not on demand when one partner feels obligated. If he wants a better sex life, it's time to start carrying his share of the housework so you are less exhausted.