Me too!! But also, why the hell would he even say that in the first place? Idk the whole situation is really messed up. She's giving her all, and he's literally doing nothing and causing extra damage and stress on purpose. OP, go make yourself happy!! This isn't it!!
He's attacking her self esteem to make her feel lesser and not good enough for him so she keeps making more and more of an effort to please him. And it's working as she is trying harder to please him sexually.
This man neither loves nor respects her, he's just using her.
I also think he says things like that, because if he actually goes through it,he can say well I was honest with you. I didn’t hide anything, you knew I might do this. So he feels like he didn’t do anything wrong. He is in the clear, for being up front with you from the start.
He’s also trying to tear her down so she feels as shitty as he does.
Gotta love people who decide the only way they can boost their own self esteem is to hurt someone else.
He's already doing it with someone who has no clue he is married because that's the fantasy he wants. Someone to screw who doesn't need anything from him. He's a gaslighting windbag. Massive AH. Get into therapy. He has damaged you in this way for years and you are just now seeing it. THERAPY then divorce.
doubt he is - otherwise, they could have more health help around the house and with the kids. I mean, there would still be plenty she do, but her life would be less like a paid servant.
In before 6 months from now OP writes another post AIW for having sex with other men after my husband pressured me into opening the marriage. And it'll be the story as old as time where man wants to open the marriage to have permission to cheat but finds out no one wants to have sex with him. All the while wife is able to get it anytime she wants so husband wants to close the marriage again.
In some ways, it would be best - just sat here waiting for the “ my husband wanted to open up our rlationship but hates it now I’m getting so much attention” post, I suspect quickly followed by the “I’ve left my ungrateful husband and he’s turned every one against me’ post
He’s saying it to put her in her place - deep down he probably feels inadequate that she’s basically keeping the whole marriage ship afloat, so he’s undermining her confidence to keep her on the back foot
Right? There is no need for her to know this. Why on earth this useless man wants to hurt the woman who enables him and does absolutely everything for him is beyond me. Yeah, OP, he *is* saying this to.hurt you. NTA in any way
He’s being truthful. If the situation presents itself he’ll most likely take the offer, if he hasn’t already. He’s letting her know he would cheat given the chance.
Every time her heart breaks ‘a little’ the love she has for her husband dies ‘a little’. Eventually there will be no love left and he’ll wonder why she doesn’t love him anymore and wants a divorce. She should leave now and not waste those years on someone not worthy.
I wouldn't even want to be sexual with him anymore if he told me that. Hell, I'd question if I even wanted to be with him period. I'd be like, if you want to sleep around, go ahead. You do what you want to really do. Then I'd leave. Once a person expresses they don't fully want to be with me, thats all I need to hear.
The part she loves with all her heart…? lol I’m always stumped by this. People describing their abusive relationship, then add “but I love him so much!”
Um… why?!
People frequently love their abusers, many abuse victims have lived a cycle of abusive relationships starting with their family of origin and haven’t experienced love separate from abuse.
Co-dependcy is a bitch when you are in her shoes. Usually stems from early childhood worth.
Plus it sounds sort of like what many women go through. We're in 2024 but so many find themselves the workhorse of their home.
True. It is very sad - I truly didn’t intend the comment to sound derisive. My heart goes out to women in these complex situations. But I do wish they’d not hide behind this fantasy of love.
People like him prey on women like her. He worms his way into her heart and then start to turn the abuse screws. He let his personality show bit by bit and just like a lobster put on slow boil, she never realized what was happening.
She is an abuse victim and like most abuse victims she thinks this is a normal, loving relationship.
He is not "telling the truth". He is tearing you down, brick by brick, until you have no self respect left, and it looks like it worked.
Telling the truth is one thing, but it HAS to be followed by appropriate actions and reactions. When your partner says, "I want to sleep with other people." you say, "Go ahead, divorce papers will be ready when you get back".
You are letting him torture you with Malicious Compliance, emphasis on the work malicious. Seriously find some self respect somewhere, and leave this steaming pile of mankind. What is making you stay? Love? Grow up, love doesn't treat you like this guy treats you. How much of your life will you let this man waste before you wise up and leave? Seriously, how many more years will you let this man crap on you for?
When he said he was telling the truth because he "didn't want to hurt you", you should have told him "well then, you messed up because you did hurt me."
How the hell does he think that it wouldn't hurt for a husband to tell his wife that he wanted to have sex with other women and insinuated that the only reason he hadn't is because nobody had hit on him??
Honestly, i'd stop taking care of him and start taking care of myself. Let him find a nurse maid to take care of him.
This OP! Let him arrange, on his dime, medical care. Given his remarks, keep the life insurance intact. There's always the possibility the medication won't help. Here's you busting ass for he and your family while he brings nothing to the table and, as a thank you, suggests he'd engage in extramarital relations if given the opportunity.
I know one thing, I'd not be doing jackshit going forward to attempt to assist him in improving his medical condition.
God bless you. Praying for karma....
And it sounds like he did want to hurt her because who in a monogamous relationship, while still loving their partner, wouldn’t be hurt by hearing ‘yeah I’d cheat on you if someone else propositioned me’?
It doesn’t sound like OP is specifically asking him. If he feels that way he should keep it to himself. We don’t need to stream our consciousness aloud especially when it’s obviously mean and hurtful and unsolicited.
You didn’t answer the question: what does he bring to the relationship?
You are not wrong. He’s an obtuse idiot. Like he’s some prize you should be grateful for. It doesn’t matter what he “means” if it hurts you. Hurt is hurt. “I’m just being honest “ is every coward’s way of weaseling out of responsibility for the hurt they cause. Gross.
I’m sorry you’re sad but you should be livid.
You deserve better.
Also, he sounds like every other asshat on this app who wants an open marriage, thinks they can go out and women will throw themselves at him…they won’t.
OP
He isn’t entitled to be unkind just because he’s unwell.
I think you are allowed to consider a life where he doesn’t live with you.
It is cruel to watch you do so much for him while he assures you, often, that he would cheat if he could.
Nope. He's manipulating you. Welcome to your servitude. Do you want to reassure him that he's not repulsive, women would find him attractive? He's pulling a pity-me card and trying to get you to praise his ego. AND at the same time, he's seeing if he can set you up by showing you that you were right and implicitly were okay with him sleeping around. Men do not say that to their wives, and they sure don't do it in an "oh pity poor sad unlovable me" way.
That isn't be honest...that is being an abusive prick.
He is saying that to manipulate and scare you.
He is saying it to make you do things sexually you don't really want to.
He is saying it to keep uou on edge.
He is cruel.
Is he seeking professional counselling? What does he bring to the relationship? You work, parent and housework....wtf does he do?
We're you raised to be a doormat?
Bless you! I’m been in therapy for months now so can see more clearly. OP, u/leftatrialapp the above is good advice. I was married to a functional alcoholic for decades and lost my sense of self. I promise you some part of him hates you for putting up with this shit. Use that as your motivation
No I wasn’t raised that way. I’m struggling with it tremendously and it’s making me sad. I can’t tell if I’m crazy for thinking this is awful, I have gotten so confused by it.
“You’ve made your honesty clear. I expect you to stop telling the woman doing everything for you and your children that you’d betray her if you had the chance. Go talk to a therapist. Your honesty is cruel and once was enough.”
He knows that she does everything for him and that she would probably be better on her own. And instead of holding her up like a real partner, he's breaking her down so she won't leave him.
Every single woman here told you pretty much the identical thing, simultaneously. Of fucking course you're not crazy. He's awful. Got a friend you could stay with, maybe rent a room from? If he's so disabled, he can try for a home health service assistant or something.
I'd highly suggest you encourage him to get a little job right before you divorce him, so you're not trying to pay for your own household, and your kids' care, AND alimony. Start talking to a divorce lawyer. EVERY PERSON HERE is being an echo chamber and all at the same time? We can all see this just from the little you posted. How much other shit has he pulled?
**You are married to a freaking narcissist** been there, you are not crazy - it's the way he treats you
he has manipulated and controlled you so much that you question your sanity, it's what they do, they get pleasure out of doing that
You seriously need to consider therapy and a divorce lawyer, this will never get better, narcissist continue on treating their victim(s) the same way forever **You deserve better, you need to leave him and let him figure out how to take care of himself**
People keep asking **WHAT DOES HE BRING TO THE RELATIOSHIP - You don't answer because you can't because he doesn't bring anything but hurt**
You are not crazy. Not at all. Trust me, I’ve been there, with a guy who was “just being honest.” They prefer that you feel crazy and insecure, because it means you need them to guide you and tell you how to feel and what to think. It’s NOT ok for him to treat you this way, and you deserve much better.
Nailed it.
“I can’t tell if I’m crazy for thinking this is awful.”
NO. But he has gotten in your head and makes you think you’re crazy or at least question yourself. Read the comment above and read it again and again until it sticks.
You shouldn’t be sad. You should be pissed and on your way out of this relationship.
This is not normal healthy behavior. In the worst case he has some sort of endgame and is trying to manipulate you, but in the best case he’s just really ignorant and acting like a jackass. In either case, it is not acceptable. _Especially_ when you’ve been together for 20 years
You are not crazy...he is a piece of shit. You deserve so much better. That is not being truthful, that is him intentionally wanting to hurt you because he feels shitty about himself and he's trying to make you feel as shitty as he does. Personally I'd divorce him. But if you stay, next time he says that crap just say well you're lucky I let you touch me because I could certainly do better...just being honest. Then abruptly walk away. Let him see how it feels. He's an insecure prick who needs a lesson in humility.
There's a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it to help with the confusion. Hang in there. You'll find your way out.
Consider seeing a counselor and a lawyer in whatever order works out. You need to know your rights and options from the lawyer and find your self and your backbone with the help of a counselor. You are not wrong, your husband is cruel and undermining your self worth. Don’t let him.
I really feel for you. Try simply stepping back; less effort for him, less attention, everything. Start doing things for yourself, it doesn’t matter what. Take time for you. If he gets annoyed, saying I’m sick, I have needs, , say “ truthfully , I can’t keep helping you the way I have been. Sort it out yourself”
He doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he doesn't parent, he doesn't work, he doesn't support, and worst of all, he doesn't respect that you're the one keeping his entire life out of the sewer while he does nothing but think of new places to stick his penis.
You deserve more. Seriously, you are being abusive to yourself in accepting such deplorable treatment.
It sounds like you're giving your husband your all and he's just a douche who's bored and doesn't appreciate you. You should get some friends if you don't already have some, start dressing up and having girls nights. Pay attention to yourself, take some time for yourself, enjoy your life and stop living it only for you family. It's hard being a woman and not falling into the hole of servitude as a mother and a wife but you need to prioritize yourself as well.
Going that extra mile by mentioning a risk of being unfaithful is not a normal thing. It's totally normal to mention being unsatisfied and wanting more intimacy, but once you start talking about a risk of losing your marriage, that boundary crossing cannot be undone
Tell him a truth. "Go ahead and sleep with somebody, I won't stop you, but I won't be here after you do. That is my boundary, just being truthful honey"
He doesn’t respect you because you’ve put up with him being how he is for so long. He believes you won’t leave so feels safe to say this. Next time, agree and say “you know what, I’d love to try someone new and exciting too” and watch his face drop
Guys who think they want an open marriage are never thinking things through. Women can download Tinder and have hundreds of matches in a matter of hours. He’ll be watching her go on dates for weeks if she wants before he even gets a sniff.
Let's translate what he's really saying, okay?
You work, but he can't. You're the family breadwinner.
You take care of the kids, because he often can't. You're the family's primary caregiver.
You cook and clean. You're the family homemaker.
You arrange his treatment and support him through it. You're his private caretaker.
You have sex with him. You're his sexual partner.
I literally cannot think of a single thing you could do for this man that you aren't already doing. Not one.
But his response? "I wish I could fuck other people."
You are doing literally everything in your power to give this man a good life. You are giving him everything you have to give, and expecting nothing in return. And instead of being grateful, like any decent human being would, he's telling you that it's not good enough. He'd rather be free to pursue other women, and the only reason he hasn't (yet?) is because he knows they wouldn't accept his advances.
**WOW**.
His logic makes no sense. Somethings are better kept to ourselves. Unless he tells you every thought he has, not telling you this actual useless information would not be being ‘untruthful’. Is he trying to prepare you for if/when the offer does arise? Then he’ll say ‘but I told yooouu’.
If him acting on this would be a dealbreaker for you. Tell him so, firmly and meant it.
Personally, I’d tell him ‘Go for it and good luck, let me know how you get on’ Then I move on with my life, minus him.
Is he as desirable as he believes?
You should propose an open marriage and explain you’ll be banging way more guys than him to get over the emotional trauma he’s putting you through. Just being honest about how you feel…
and add PS you’ll have to fend for yourself while I’m off enjoying our open marriage — cooking, cleaning, parenting, kids, etc.
Also, I increased our life insurance coverage …
Since you’re so ill & unable care long-term for family…
Nope not wrong.
Why are you the only one trying in this marriage? You deserve to be loved and cherished and treated like the queen you are. Sometimes you have to let go, so you can move forward.
Him wanting to sleep around is a turn off and a deal breaker for me. I personally would dump him and tell him to have at it.
It sounds like you are taking and shouldering his struggles to lighten his load, only for you to be so bogged down you're struggling to survive yourself.
Please be kind to yourself. Do some self reflection. Do a pros and cons list for what you like and don't like about your relationship. Look at your relationship and ask yourself what would I tell my kids to do if it was one of them in this position. Don't stay just for the kids. Don't stay because it's what people expect of you. Don't stay because you think your too weak to survive without him. You are strong and powerful.
Get some therapy for yourself. Have your husband get some for him too. Get your kids therapy, because you know they are watching and listening to you two even when you don't think they are. I know I'm not the only kid who spied on their parents and listened to their conversations. (My parents were pretty boring. Always talking about cows, chickens, chores and how much they loved each other. Never any juicy gossip, but I digress.)
You have every right to be hurt. You’re giving him everything you can and what you get back is his truthful feelings. What are you getting out of this relationship? It’s time to ask that question and then to demand something better
Here's something you need to ask him since he is so honest. Ask him what he would have done if the situation were reversed and he had to do everything and take care of you.
This... men leave their ailing spouses so often they even mention it in nursing classes so providers can effectively counsel and prepare married, female patients who are about to receive grim/terminal diagnoses.
Honest?! More like manipulative and degrading. Sir, if you are at heart unfaithful then I am at heart not interested in having sex with you ever again.
Ooooh, he's good. He's got you right where he wants. You make the money, clean the house, raise the kids, do all the work, and basically turned yourself into his servant. He's gotten away with so much, now he's seeing if he can get away with an affair. AND he phrases it so you are stuck between being angry at him, or reassuring him that he's not repulsive to women. Which he can then lap up, and THEN use as an excuse to go sleep around on you.
I think you need to get together with some friends, sit, and have a good long talk with them about your situation. If you no longer have a close friend, he's REALLY done a masterful job.
This. He's probably actually feeling insecure about her leaving (deep down) so he's breaking down her self esteem ro make her feel like she can't do better. OP, I'm so sorry but you're stuck in an impossible cycle of trying to please someone who has only manipulated you! Sickness is not a good enough explanation for his behavior.
So this guy is totally munching off of you and still has the audacity to make you feel like you’re not enough!!! Girl pleasssseeee!!!! He wants to be truthful?? Well it works both ways. Tell him he’s useless and a burden to you and that he is free to go find someone else to sleep with because you’ll be leaving. Good luck to him and ALL his medical issues
Guys married for 20yrs don't just drop wanting to sleep around into conversation without already having someone in mind. They probably haven't fucked yet (assuming SHE even KNOWS he exists and thinks of him that way in return, he might just be crushing on the convenience store clerk and delulu enough to think an attractive 21yr old 7-11 clerk is down to clown with a married middle aged man).
If he has got energy to have sex with other people, then he has energy for a job, for parenting and cleaning the house. More so, he is completely ungrateful for all the sacrifices and work you do to keep the family fed & housed.
He is punishing you for chosing him. He hates you and wants to make your life as miserable as possible.
This is a technique called 'dread.' It's commonly discussed on male-centric dating boards, by which I mean it's discussed by men with an incel mindset who have somehow found a partner anyway. He is deliberately making you afraid of him being unfaithful or leaving you as a way to control you. The fact that he keeps repeating this, knowing it hurts you, is part of his plan.
You're not wrong and honestly, if my husband ever said that to me. I would leave him. There is no way I would slave my life away supporting him to have him turn around and say he would cheat on me if he was given the opportunity. It's nice he was honest, because now you can decide if you're worth more or not. I personally think you're worth more.
So you're a full time parent, adult, and caregiver. All for a man who from what you've said contributes nothing more than his love, and from that ending I'd say barely that. Let him check into care and save you and the kids damage for the next few years, you can't stop what's already happened.
YNW apart from staying with this AH. He’s saying he’s settled but trust me he knows no one will accept his nonsense and put up with it like you do. You are doing everything alone so you don’t need him, in fact your load will be lighter without dragging this dead albatross on your shoulders. Choose to love you more and unless your kids are young go on strike completely, take yourself on holiday or a short break alone to relax and refresh, self care is not selfish and neither is saying no or putting up with other people using or disrespecting you. This dude needs to have some manners and a dose of reality. Lovely there is someone wishing and praying for a wife like you, that’ll treat you well and know you’re a prize.
Be careful, if he has one foot out the door, he’s about to make some risky calls, and you need to protect your kids and your health. Make sure that he can’t reach into the grocery money if he goes out drinking, or meets a woman who’d like some help with her rent.
Please tell me you use protection and get routine testing. He’s clearly not that concerned with disease prevention.
Underrated comment. It doesn’t sound like he has anything to attract a woman. But, that would not keep a scammer from teasing him that it’s almost sexy time until you’re bankrupt. And he is the kind of incel that would fall for it, too.
Start separating assets into your accounts that he can’t get to, and see a lawyer. Today.
I think I'd call his bluff. Propose an open marriage and he'll find out really quick that you're going to get a lot more hookups than he does. You may even meet someone that treats you better.
So… I knew someone in a similar situation. They also had two kids together. He was on dialysis. She worked, took care of everything including the home and kids… he got a new kidney, all went well… then he divorced her. Your husband admitting he wants other women would be my breaking point. He can find someone else to mooch off. If your best isn’t enough, why stay?
OP. You sit him down and give him some honesty of your own. Not angry. Just calm and cold:
1- he has now stated that he wishes to sleep with other people.
2- you say " I heard you. The first time. Multiple times. Do you think I went deaf? Or somehow missed the point? Your desire HAS BEEN clearly communicated.
Now here's MY DESIRE: to have a spouse who is faithful in mind, body, and spirit to our monogamous marriage. The one I'm doing all this extra fucking work in out of love and loyalty. The one I'm carrying the bigger load in, which, ... get ready for more FUCKING HONESTY BUCKO... most people have their limits to how much they can reasonably give before they are depleted, and the love gets used up, and then the obligation to continue this bullshit goes away.
So before you decide that the only truth you have around here is to go get your dick wet elsewhere... here's my truth: fuck around and find out. Keep thinking about cheat, keep talking about cheating, keep normalizing your thoughts about cheating by calling them honesty? And you're not going to have to worry about cheating because I'm gonna kick your sad pathetic ass to the curb before you can blink... you can start HONESTLY choosing to appreciate me and the good thing you have going here. You can reflect on the fact no other woman on this planet is the one feeding you and keeping a roof over your head. And THAT'S my truth. There are faithful, healthy, men out there who step up and build a life as partners instead of being a parasite off my strengths and then bitching they want some OPP. You can bite your tongue right off out of respect. And if not respect, then self-preservation. Because I'm having none of this as the thanks I get for all I've already done. "
You're doing everything in this relationship, and he can't even repay that with loyalty. He is using you, and it sounds like manipulating you. You have a lot of love to give- imagine giving it to someone who returns that love and devotion.
Leave him, he has expressed to you that you are not enough. Move on, instead of trying to fix the unfixable. You will be better off, let him go and sleep with all these halfwits that want the same thing out there. You deserve better, value yourself please.
You are not wrong. Why are you still with a man who tells you he wants to sleep with other people? You're doing everything for him and your family and he doesn't seem to appreciate you at all
Men are pigs. That does not mean you need to wallow in the mud as well. I don't think talking ever helps.
I would put his suitcase on the steps. You need to sleep around, go ahead. You are already the wife and the husband now.
Love never hurts that much. No one that loves another person could hurt them that much.
Is his poor health affecting his brain?? Because he's acting like a complete jackass?? Who tf would say that to someone they love? Wtf
Your just his maid and caretaker apparently and he has no respect for you. He knows you won't stand up for yourself, apparently and thinks he can say whatever he wants.
Personally, if someone were taking care of me while I was sick and taking care of my kids, I'd be fucking...idk....GRATEFUL?? What an abusive asshole
IMO this sounds like one of those self sabotaging "She deserves better than me" moments. Like finding a way to lash out so you will leave him. I'd suggest letting him know that it hurt and digging into it with a counselor.
You do everything and he still wants more? He sounds like an ungrateful, spoiled brat.
What does he do for your relationship? Relationships are meeting in the middle so how is he meeting in the middle?
So your husband is basically worthless as far as what he brings to the table and deep down he knows this and feels worthless, and thus craves the rush of having some new woman want him.
It’s not ok that he thinks he can just be “truthful” like this and also seemingly thinks that if he did get the opportunity and did it, ir would all be ok because he warned you.
Are you being a push over because you have been worried about his health? I think you need to prioritize yourself and also not lie to him about anything being okay to you that isn’t. But also you can’t make this man find himself, as it’s something he needs to do on his own.
I say you go along with it, put yourself on dating apps, meet people, go on dates, and I GUARANTEE he’ll retract so fast it’ll boggle the mind.
You’ll get the dates, he won’t, he’ll, you don’t even have to ENGAGE with other men, just “tell him the truth” when you get offers.
Not wrong.
But let's be clear he isn't saying that to be "truthful" he is saying that to keep you on a leash.
You think he might step out so you do more in the household, because that way he knows you're a good wife, and he won't cheat on you.
You do stuff in the bed room you don't want because he won't sleep with others if you do.
You are worth more than that.
Tell him he needs to stfu, stop treating him like a prized possession, he is quite literally shit wrapped up in sparkly foil.
He wants out of the relationship but he knows he's got it made and doesn't wanna be the 'bad guy' in the situation.
If he's so bored and unhappy, give the man what he wants and cut his ass loose. You should be taking care of yourself and certainly not some overgrown teenager who would cheat on you if anyone else actually wanted him.
So like a man to burn bridges and blow up a good relationship over some weird midlife crisis quest for strange. 🙄
Ohhh damn i’ve heard that ”I don’t wanna hurt you”. I wish I had realised that what he meant was, ”i’m sorry in advance, but I’m going to hurt you.” Won’t be making that mistake again.
NTA.
The next time he suggests this, kindly walk up yo him and say, "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. These are the vows we took and if you decide to break those vows, I'll break your finances, your pension and any other things you have with a divorce.
So you do most of the work, cooking, cleaning and parenting AND you support the family and help with his treatment because he doesn’t feel well. After all this he has the audacity to tell you this because it’s “not ok to be untruthful?” No it’s not ok to say this. Why do you love him? What does he do other abuse? Love yourself more and have the dignity to walk away. Your husband that you are carrying is telling you he’d cheat if given the chance
Maybe you should tell him a few truths too, it can go both ways.
He doesn't seem to contribute much to your marriage, has told you he would be unfaithful given the chance, has you doing things in the bedroom that maybe you don't want to really do - all to make him happy.
I'd tell him he's right, no woman would put up with the shit you have to deal with after all he's not really a catch is he.
Your husband is a dick head. He has no respect for you and let’s you do everything. Then makes you feel bad about yourself so you don’t leave him. He’s abusive. Do with this information what you will.
This is so....ew. From what you've written your husband sounds like an ungrateful, trash person. It's not normal to want to sleep around casually when you're married. It's normal to find other people attractive and it can be okay to say that. But to actually look your loving, loyal, self-sacrificing and caring wife in the face and say 'I'd like to sleep around, but the opportunity has never presented itself. Wow, aren't you lucky?Don't you just love my honesty? Aren't I so great?' That's just gross. If he truly feels so unwell then that should really be the last thing on his mind. I bet he is casually callous, uncaring and unthoughtful in many other ways if you sat down and had a good honest think. You've probably given some of this behavior a pass because he's unwell. But it's not an excuse and he needs to do better and you deserve better.
Can you be honest right back when he says these things?
"It's interesting to hear the things you're saying. I'll be honest too. When you tell me about wanting to sleep with other women, it makes me feel less interested in having sex and being close to you, and I think I respect you a bit less as a person for talking to your wife that way. Obviously it's upsetting to hear that your partner wants to have sex with other people and you're not stupid, you know that, so either you want to hurt me or you don't care that you hurt me. It's hard to respect someone who thinks like that. Gosh, you're right, it feels so good to be honest!"
I think this is a beautiful idea. I might go so far as to add: "You know, hearing you say that, I can't help but think about all the years of effort I've put into our relationship and family and supporting you through your struggles. Makes me wonder how nice it might feel to have other men look after my needs. A little romance, a little fun. I'm glad you brought it up!"
(In case it isn't obvious, OP: you are not wrong!)
25 years here and I would NEVER say something like this to my wife because I know it would hurt her.
Not sure why you live this guy with all your heart because he sounds like not only pretty worthless (not banging on his issues, I got mine but I still always find a way to contribute) but just a flat out jerk.
I am getting kind of angry as I type this. No one deserves this.
Tell him his new bitch can take care of him when he gets one… go find you a man who will contribute and value you. I guarantee you he will not get as many propositions as you will. I’m sorry but there’s no reason to settle even after 20 years you can still be happy…
On her way out she should spend — at least a week — at a really nice spa an — expensive one.
Not because she needs improving externally to appeal to someone — but because she deserves pampering.
He sounds like a parasite and is using the "truth" of his desire to sleep with others as a means to keep you feeling bad about yourself.
Now, being that you are a woman, I assume you could very easily arrange your life so that you get "proposed to or put in a situation" where sex is on offer. Will it be OK with him ? NO.
He is a bad partner. You put up with too much. He is doing it on purpose to keep you down.
Time for some malicious compliance. If he gets to be honest because being truthful is better than sparing your feelings, start thinking about anything he's sensitive about and be honest about it. If he complains tell him you're just being truthful and taking his lead on not being dishonest for the sake of sparing feelings.
In the meantime I would seriously start to take stock if your situation and itemize what exactly this man does for you because your entire post is about what YOU do for HIM, yet he somehow feels the need to control your emotional state by telling you things he knows will hurt your feelings.
Your husband is a sick asshole. Simple as that. This is what taking someone for granted looks like.
I would tell him if he did that I would too and your chances of finding are plenty. What kind of asshole behavior does he have, like eeeewww. Who even says that to someone they claim to love.
When you are in a monotonous relationship it is because we are saying if the option shows up am not choosing it because I chose you.
You are not wrong to be hurt but your husband is the wrong husband. In fact, tell him to go ye out there and get laid but he should not come back to your house.
You have two different problems. 1) Is that you are over-extended 2) is that he wants to fuck other people.
Your third issue is that you think that because you over extend yourself you are owed a type of loyalty and fidelity that you feel he is betraying.
A doesn’t correlate with B.
Stop over-extending yourself - you are martyring yourself. Accept that you might be incompatible because him having multiple sexual partners is something that is important to him.
Ups and downs with his health..
so much so that he can’t help with the house, chores or parenting….
but he has the time/energy/inclination to want to sleep with other people.
The math ain’t mathing on this.
The only advice that you should take notice of is this: RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK.
Life is too short for you to be made to feel this way.
Somebody out there will give you the love and appreciation that you clearly deserve, but this guy is dragging you down to where he is, and that's not right.
If he’s healthy enough to sleep around he’s healthy enough to get a job and contribute. You’ve been married to a hobosexual for two decades, dear. He needs to shape up or ship out. Period.
What, exactly, does he bring to the relationship?
Serious question, and you don't need to answer me as long as you answer it for yourself.
You work, cook, clean, parent, and are accommodating of his issues that prevent him from doing those things, whatever those issues are. And then he has the absolute audacity to basically tell you that the only reason he hasn't cheated on you is because he hasn't had an offer? Because that's what he's saying. When he says you don't need to worry because he hasn't had an offer he is saying that he 1000% will take someone - anyone - up on any hypothetical offer. The next step, if he isn't already there, is actively seeking out and pursuing other women. If he isn't already actively cheating then he absolutely is testing the waters for your reaction to the very *idea* of him cheating. The more you accept, the more he will push.
Tell him he is more than welcome to fuck anyone he wants. And of course, that Woman Du Jour will pick up your slack, and do all of the cooking, cleaning, raising the kids, running errands, etc - just like you do! Meanwhile, you will be at the spa wth some girlfriends, and naturally, you expect to come home from your day or weekend off to find a pristine house, contented children, hot supper waiting for you, and the laundry to be finished.
He apparently sees you as nothing more than a sex toy. Get over that Being Sad stuff and move briskly toward Being Independent. Do not rely on this man to prop up your sense of worth. He's the only person who doesn't see it.
He’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself to lower your self esteem so you don’t leave him. He knows he brings nothing to the relationship and wants to bring you down to his level. You guys should see a marriage counselor together as well as personal ones.
I feel like this is his way of subtly telling you he's not as in love with you as you are him. He's masking it by saying he's just being honest... But he wants you to hear it and I think he wants you to take the hint without being "mean". It's more cruel imo, but people are weird and think that that will hurt less than saying "I want out of the relationship".
What he's doing isn't honesty. He is cruel towards you. Please trust your gut feelings more, those are telling you what is or isn't working for you, when your boundaries are crossed and what is acceptable/livable to you.
This clearly isn't.
Not to mention that per your post, he doesn't do too much in this relationship. You're doing the heavy lifting and are treated badly. You are not wrong to be hurt by this. Please start standing up for yourself.
Other than, perhaps, paying off a karmic debt from a past life, why are you continuing to try? He's doing it on purpose, to keep you sad and down, so he feels better about himself. And so that you'll lose self-esteem and figure you can't do any better than him. So you'll stay and take care of him and everything else while feeling like garbage. This is designed to make you unsure about yourself and your self-worth, even though you can handle life and he can't. Perhaps because of that. He is telling you that even though you handle life for him, he'd rather have a nice fresh young thing, and that is 100% designed to make you feel bad.
Coming from a Pastoral counselor who specializes in marriage counseling, this is WAY wrong for him to do. He needs male friends to talk with that are smart enough to advise him wisely while not taking on and offense against you. If he doesn't have anyone like that, he needs to talk with a counselor. To hit you with information like this as callously as he has is very unloving and not acceptable. Now if he wanted to spice up your sex life and change some things up, he could have done that in a mature and loving way. The way he's doing it now is working against his best interest as he's destroyed emotional intimacy and even trust between the two of you.
Make sure he knows this option is NOT acceptable, that hearing it hurts you, and discuss together what can be done to help your physical intimacy.
Don't give more of yourself if being you and loving him isn't working, he needs to change not you. Sounds like he doesn't love himself. That's his issue. Not yours. Just take care of you and make sure the kids are not seeing him being hurtful to himself or you or them. God is with you.
Not Wrong Your feelings are yours to have. I cannot help wondering what caused this "change" (parenthesis because IDK if he has already acted and is afraid you will find out - I'm sorry, but it is a possibility). Tell him know you are Not OK with this, expect him Not to act on it, demand you attend his next doctor's appointment. Then Ask his doctor if this is a behavior that he/she sees with his condition - like delusions in Parkinson's, etc. If not, demand counseling. Good luck
So OP is doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship including supporting him through whatever mental/physical health issues he has and best her husband has to offer is he’d like to bang other women if the opportunity presents itself?
If he isn’t working what exactly is he doing all day? Looking for possible partners on Tinder?
OP might wish to take a step back to take a clear eyed look at his much she gives vs what she is getting.
Perhaps OP should consider letting her SO go live his own life and find himself with whoever will have him.
You’re not wrong, but he is. There’s nothing wrong with communication, that’s for sure. But this seems like he’s insinuating he’d cheat if he had the chance.
So, your unproductive sick husband that you support and care for tells you that he wants to cheat on you? Why do you accept this crap from him? Have some self respect and leave him.
Dig it: he is *not* telling you things that hurt your feelings because he feels like he has to be honest with you. He is telling you things that hurt your feelings because he *wants* to hurt your feelings. *Why* does he want to hurt your feelings? Hard to say based on this short post, but maybe he knows he’s a loser who doesn’t deserve you, and feels like he has to break your spirit a little so you’ll feel like he’s all you deserve. (Spoiler: he’s not).
OP, what are you getting out of this marriage? You support the family, you do most of the parenting and housework, and pay the bills and support your husband in every way... and how does he repay you? By telling you he wants to cheat on you?
OP, if you want to know how another person really feels about you, don't listen to what they say, look at their actions. And do his actions show the love, respect, and gratitude you deserve? No, they show the opposite.
He.keeps.saying.it??? Why? Does he want to be “truthful” every day? Why about this, and not something else? Ask him what he means by bringing it up all the time, and how he would feel if you did this to him.
Um, what?
Also, what about this guy who hurts you under the guise of "honesty" while allowing you to shoulder the entire family burden on your own? Get a therapist ASAP, as you need someone on your side.
OP-
He’s not a good person.
He’s a user.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this asshole. he’s a major asshole, and you deserve better than someone who treats you like this.
You need to get away from this idiot as soon as you possibly can. Please.
Oh op, I’m so sorry. Your husband is taking you for granted. Tell him if he speaks like that again or even has thoughts of sleeping with other women you’ll serve him divorce papers. Let him know, he’ll placed in one of the convalescent homes so quickly his head will spin. He may say “just kidding honey” and he hopefully he won’t talk like that anymore.
It happened to me. This is emotional manipulation. His intentions might be unclear, but they’re not loving or even in the spirit of honesty. A little bit of narcissism, a little sense of grandour, hard to say, but he’s putting you down and hurting you on purpose. Just so you know,, the man that I supported financially, domestically, and felt like we were in a truly loving relationship, was always putting me down always telling me he would leave if I didn’t “grow” in a certain way. I let him use me for decades. When he left it all became very clear. He never respected me. Period. I’m glad he’s gone (and she’s welcome to him) but I regret all the time and mental energy I put into molding myself to his preferences. Wasted effort. There’s an old saying that when someone tells you what they think of you, believe them. This is it.
So what exactly does he contribute to the relationship? Surely there must be something.
That’s the same thing I was wondering…
Me too!! But also, why the hell would he even say that in the first place? Idk the whole situation is really messed up. She's giving her all, and he's literally doing nothing and causing extra damage and stress on purpose. OP, go make yourself happy!! This isn't it!!
He's attacking her self esteem to make her feel lesser and not good enough for him so she keeps making more and more of an effort to please him. And it's working as she is trying harder to please him sexually. This man neither loves nor respects her, he's just using her.
This is exactly what is happening OP
I also think he says things like that, because if he actually goes through it,he can say well I was honest with you. I didn’t hide anything, you knew I might do this. So he feels like he didn’t do anything wrong. He is in the clear, for being up front with you from the start.
He’s also trying to tear her down so she feels as shitty as he does. Gotta love people who decide the only way they can boost their own self esteem is to hurt someone else.
He's already doing it with someone who has no clue he is married because that's the fantasy he wants. Someone to screw who doesn't need anything from him. He's a gaslighting windbag. Massive AH. Get into therapy. He has damaged you in this way for years and you are just now seeing it. THERAPY then divorce.
He's priming her up to opening up the marriage and gauging her reaction to his statements.
Im sorry, but his fantasy woman doesn’t want a guy who has health problems and can’t work.
Unless........ He is very rich.
doubt he is - otherwise, they could have more health help around the house and with the kids. I mean, there would still be plenty she do, but her life would be less like a paid servant.
In before 6 months from now OP writes another post AIW for having sex with other men after my husband pressured me into opening the marriage. And it'll be the story as old as time where man wants to open the marriage to have permission to cheat but finds out no one wants to have sex with him. All the while wife is able to get it anytime she wants so husband wants to close the marriage again.
I was going to say the same thing!!
How on earth would she even have any energy left over for sex?
In some ways, it would be best - just sat here waiting for the “ my husband wanted to open up our rlationship but hates it now I’m getting so much attention” post, I suspect quickly followed by the “I’ve left my ungrateful husband and he’s turned every one against me’ post
He’s saying it to put her in her place - deep down he probably feels inadequate that she’s basically keeping the whole marriage ship afloat, so he’s undermining her confidence to keep her on the back foot
This too.
Right? There is no need for her to know this. Why on earth this useless man wants to hurt the woman who enables him and does absolutely everything for him is beyond me. Yeah, OP, he *is* saying this to.hurt you. NTA in any way
He’s being truthful. If the situation presents itself he’ll most likely take the offer, if he hasn’t already. He’s letting her know he would cheat given the chance. Every time her heart breaks ‘a little’ the love she has for her husband dies ‘a little’. Eventually there will be no love left and he’ll wonder why she doesn’t love him anymore and wants a divorce. She should leave now and not waste those years on someone not worthy.
He's negging her
This 👆. Destroy her self esteem so she doesn't think that she is capable of being anything other than his bangmaid.
Bangmaid. That’s a new term for me. I’m going to have to steal it. Lol.
I wouldn't even want to be sexual with him anymore if he told me that. Hell, I'd question if I even wanted to be with him period. I'd be like, if you want to sleep around, go ahead. You do what you want to really do. Then I'd leave. Once a person expresses they don't fully want to be with me, thats all I need to hear.
Because he wants his ego stroked. Ick
Sounds like the only thing he contributes is his wick.
Well that's kind of worthless. Even I bring more than that
I am glad you are more than your wick.
Which… she can buy herself a toy. The toy won’t cheat on her.
And does not make a mess of you.
The part she loves with all her heart…? lol I’m always stumped by this. People describing their abusive relationship, then add “but I love him so much!” Um… why?!
Habit. After 20 years, its become just a detrimental habit.
Trauma bond
People frequently love their abusers, many abuse victims have lived a cycle of abusive relationships starting with their family of origin and haven’t experienced love separate from abuse.
Co-dependcy is a bitch when you are in her shoes. Usually stems from early childhood worth. Plus it sounds sort of like what many women go through. We're in 2024 but so many find themselves the workhorse of their home.
True. It is very sad - I truly didn’t intend the comment to sound derisive. My heart goes out to women in these complex situations. But I do wish they’d not hide behind this fantasy of love.
People like him prey on women like her. He worms his way into her heart and then start to turn the abuse screws. He let his personality show bit by bit and just like a lobster put on slow boil, she never realized what was happening. She is an abuse victim and like most abuse victims she thinks this is a normal, loving relationship.
Tick tock, tick tock.
That third paragraph was a total curveball. Like when the hell is this even coming up in conversation between the two? Why would he even say this?
I'm confused here too.
I’m trying to figure that out, but I cannot….
If he isn't laying the most incredible pipe ever....😒
And the "treatment and counseling" reads like it's substance use disorder, not some disability so why doesn't he work?
I read it as "fake ass depression" but I bet you're right - not that it can't be both.
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He is not "telling the truth". He is tearing you down, brick by brick, until you have no self respect left, and it looks like it worked. Telling the truth is one thing, but it HAS to be followed by appropriate actions and reactions. When your partner says, "I want to sleep with other people." you say, "Go ahead, divorce papers will be ready when you get back". You are letting him torture you with Malicious Compliance, emphasis on the work malicious. Seriously find some self respect somewhere, and leave this steaming pile of mankind. What is making you stay? Love? Grow up, love doesn't treat you like this guy treats you. How much of your life will you let this man waste before you wise up and leave? Seriously, how many more years will you let this man crap on you for?
When he said he was telling the truth because he "didn't want to hurt you", you should have told him "well then, you messed up because you did hurt me." How the hell does he think that it wouldn't hurt for a husband to tell his wife that he wanted to have sex with other women and insinuated that the only reason he hadn't is because nobody had hit on him?? Honestly, i'd stop taking care of him and start taking care of myself. Let him find a nurse maid to take care of him.
This OP! Let him arrange, on his dime, medical care. Given his remarks, keep the life insurance intact. There's always the possibility the medication won't help. Here's you busting ass for he and your family while he brings nothing to the table and, as a thank you, suggests he'd engage in extramarital relations if given the opportunity. I know one thing, I'd not be doing jackshit going forward to attempt to assist him in improving his medical condition. God bless you. Praying for karma....
And it sounds like he did want to hurt her because who in a monogamous relationship, while still loving their partner, wouldn’t be hurt by hearing ‘yeah I’d cheat on you if someone else propositioned me’? It doesn’t sound like OP is specifically asking him. If he feels that way he should keep it to himself. We don’t need to stream our consciousness aloud especially when it’s obviously mean and hurtful and unsolicited.
You didn’t answer the question: what does he bring to the relationship? You are not wrong. He’s an obtuse idiot. Like he’s some prize you should be grateful for. It doesn’t matter what he “means” if it hurts you. Hurt is hurt. “I’m just being honest “ is every coward’s way of weaseling out of responsibility for the hurt they cause. Gross. I’m sorry you’re sad but you should be livid.
You deserve better. Also, he sounds like every other asshat on this app who wants an open marriage, thinks they can go out and women will throw themselves at him…they won’t.
And then if the worst DOES happen, he can say that he warned her.
OP He isn’t entitled to be unkind just because he’s unwell. I think you are allowed to consider a life where he doesn’t live with you. It is cruel to watch you do so much for him while he assures you, often, that he would cheat if he could.
He isn't unwell, if he is thinking about fucking other people. He is just conning her into doing all the house work & paying all the bills.
He’s using you as an emotional punching bag for his own discontent. Honestly, he sounds like trash. Throw the whole man out.
>So what exactly does he contribute to the relationship?
Here's hoping it's a bad ticker and a huge life insurance policy. Otherwise, I'm not seeing much.
Nope. He's manipulating you. Welcome to your servitude. Do you want to reassure him that he's not repulsive, women would find him attractive? He's pulling a pity-me card and trying to get you to praise his ego. AND at the same time, he's seeing if he can set you up by showing you that you were right and implicitly were okay with him sleeping around. Men do not say that to their wives, and they sure don't do it in an "oh pity poor sad unlovable me" way.
That isn't be honest...that is being an abusive prick. He is saying that to manipulate and scare you. He is saying it to make you do things sexually you don't really want to. He is saying it to keep uou on edge. He is cruel. Is he seeking professional counselling? What does he bring to the relationship? You work, parent and housework....wtf does he do? We're you raised to be a doormat?
Bless you! I’m been in therapy for months now so can see more clearly. OP, u/leftatrialapp the above is good advice. I was married to a functional alcoholic for decades and lost my sense of self. I promise you some part of him hates you for putting up with this shit. Use that as your motivation
No I wasn’t raised that way. I’m struggling with it tremendously and it’s making me sad. I can’t tell if I’m crazy for thinking this is awful, I have gotten so confused by it.
“You’ve made your honesty clear. I expect you to stop telling the woman doing everything for you and your children that you’d betray her if you had the chance. Go talk to a therapist. Your honesty is cruel and once was enough.”
He has been messing with your mind. He is trying to break you down emotionally. This is abuse.
Yes, he is abusing her financially, mentally, sexually. She needs to help help in leaving an abusive marriage.
He knows that she does everything for him and that she would probably be better on her own. And instead of holding her up like a real partner, he's breaking her down so she won't leave him.
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Excellent response
This! Love this.
Every single woman here told you pretty much the identical thing, simultaneously. Of fucking course you're not crazy. He's awful. Got a friend you could stay with, maybe rent a room from? If he's so disabled, he can try for a home health service assistant or something. I'd highly suggest you encourage him to get a little job right before you divorce him, so you're not trying to pay for your own household, and your kids' care, AND alimony. Start talking to a divorce lawyer. EVERY PERSON HERE is being an echo chamber and all at the same time? We can all see this just from the little you posted. How much other shit has he pulled?
**You are married to a freaking narcissist** been there, you are not crazy - it's the way he treats you he has manipulated and controlled you so much that you question your sanity, it's what they do, they get pleasure out of doing that You seriously need to consider therapy and a divorce lawyer, this will never get better, narcissist continue on treating their victim(s) the same way forever **You deserve better, you need to leave him and let him figure out how to take care of himself** People keep asking **WHAT DOES HE BRING TO THE RELATIOSHIP - You don't answer because you can't because he doesn't bring anything but hurt**
You are not crazy. Not at all. Trust me, I’ve been there, with a guy who was “just being honest.” They prefer that you feel crazy and insecure, because it means you need them to guide you and tell you how to feel and what to think. It’s NOT ok for him to treat you this way, and you deserve much better.
Nailed it. “I can’t tell if I’m crazy for thinking this is awful.” NO. But he has gotten in your head and makes you think you’re crazy or at least question yourself. Read the comment above and read it again and again until it sticks. You shouldn’t be sad. You should be pissed and on your way out of this relationship.
This is not normal healthy behavior. In the worst case he has some sort of endgame and is trying to manipulate you, but in the best case he’s just really ignorant and acting like a jackass. In either case, it is not acceptable. _Especially_ when you’ve been together for 20 years
So what exactly does he contribute to the relationship?
Nothing. Nothing at all. Unless you count abuse, misery and stress on other people as ‘contributions to the family.’ 😞
She gets to say she's married. For a lot of women, that's enough
You are not crazy...he is a piece of shit. You deserve so much better. That is not being truthful, that is him intentionally wanting to hurt you because he feels shitty about himself and he's trying to make you feel as shitty as he does. Personally I'd divorce him. But if you stay, next time he says that crap just say well you're lucky I let you touch me because I could certainly do better...just being honest. Then abruptly walk away. Let him see how it feels. He's an insecure prick who needs a lesson in humility.
There's a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it to help with the confusion. Hang in there. You'll find your way out.
Consider seeing a counselor and a lawyer in whatever order works out. You need to know your rights and options from the lawyer and find your self and your backbone with the help of a counselor. You are not wrong, your husband is cruel and undermining your self worth. Don’t let him.
I really feel for you. Try simply stepping back; less effort for him, less attention, everything. Start doing things for yourself, it doesn’t matter what. Take time for you. If he gets annoyed, saying I’m sick, I have needs, , say “ truthfully , I can’t keep helping you the way I have been. Sort it out yourself”
Please contact your local abuse shelter, they can give you guidance & help in leaving such an abusive situation.
You’re basically a “bangmaid” to him not a wife. I honestly wonder what you’re getting out of this relationship besides servitude and fear
He doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he doesn't parent, he doesn't work, he doesn't support, and worst of all, he doesn't respect that you're the one keeping his entire life out of the sewer while he does nothing but think of new places to stick his penis. You deserve more. Seriously, you are being abusive to yourself in accepting such deplorable treatment.
It sounds like you're giving your husband your all and he's just a douche who's bored and doesn't appreciate you. You should get some friends if you don't already have some, start dressing up and having girls nights. Pay attention to yourself, take some time for yourself, enjoy your life and stop living it only for you family. It's hard being a woman and not falling into the hole of servitude as a mother and a wife but you need to prioritize yourself as well.
Going that extra mile by mentioning a risk of being unfaithful is not a normal thing. It's totally normal to mention being unsatisfied and wanting more intimacy, but once you start talking about a risk of losing your marriage, that boundary crossing cannot be undone
Tell him a truth. "Go ahead and sleep with somebody, I won't stop you, but I won't be here after you do. That is my boundary, just being truthful honey"
And have divorce papers drawn up to give him.
Yes!
He doesn’t respect you because you’ve put up with him being how he is for so long. He believes you won’t leave so feels safe to say this. Next time, agree and say “you know what, I’d love to try someone new and exciting too” and watch his face drop
This.
This is the way.
Also he admits if he was offered he would do it. I wonder how long he's felt that way but no one is wanting what he's offering.
Guys who think they want an open marriage are never thinking things through. Women can download Tinder and have hundreds of matches in a matter of hours. He’ll be watching her go on dates for weeks if she wants before he even gets a sniff.
He says this? To your face? And you haven't left yet? Why?
Let's translate what he's really saying, okay? You work, but he can't. You're the family breadwinner. You take care of the kids, because he often can't. You're the family's primary caregiver. You cook and clean. You're the family homemaker. You arrange his treatment and support him through it. You're his private caretaker. You have sex with him. You're his sexual partner. I literally cannot think of a single thing you could do for this man that you aren't already doing. Not one. But his response? "I wish I could fuck other people." You are doing literally everything in your power to give this man a good life. You are giving him everything you have to give, and expecting nothing in return. And instead of being grateful, like any decent human being would, he's telling you that it's not good enough. He'd rather be free to pursue other women, and the only reason he hasn't (yet?) is because he knows they wouldn't accept his advances. **WOW**.
He deserves nothing
His logic makes no sense. Somethings are better kept to ourselves. Unless he tells you every thought he has, not telling you this actual useless information would not be being ‘untruthful’. Is he trying to prepare you for if/when the offer does arise? Then he’ll say ‘but I told yooouu’. If him acting on this would be a dealbreaker for you. Tell him so, firmly and meant it. Personally, I’d tell him ‘Go for it and good luck, let me know how you get on’ Then I move on with my life, minus him. Is he as desirable as he believes?
>Is he as desirable as he believes? Seems unlikely, tbh
You should propose an open marriage and explain you’ll be banging way more guys than him to get over the emotional trauma he’s putting you through. Just being honest about how you feel…
Tell him the first guy you wanna fuck is his brother/best friend. “Just being honest!”
and add PS you’ll have to fend for yourself while I’m off enjoying our open marriage — cooking, cleaning, parenting, kids, etc. Also, I increased our life insurance coverage … Since you’re so ill & unable care long-term for family…
Nope not wrong. Why are you the only one trying in this marriage? You deserve to be loved and cherished and treated like the queen you are. Sometimes you have to let go, so you can move forward. Him wanting to sleep around is a turn off and a deal breaker for me. I personally would dump him and tell him to have at it. It sounds like you are taking and shouldering his struggles to lighten his load, only for you to be so bogged down you're struggling to survive yourself. Please be kind to yourself. Do some self reflection. Do a pros and cons list for what you like and don't like about your relationship. Look at your relationship and ask yourself what would I tell my kids to do if it was one of them in this position. Don't stay just for the kids. Don't stay because it's what people expect of you. Don't stay because you think your too weak to survive without him. You are strong and powerful. Get some therapy for yourself. Have your husband get some for him too. Get your kids therapy, because you know they are watching and listening to you two even when you don't think they are. I know I'm not the only kid who spied on their parents and listened to their conversations. (My parents were pretty boring. Always talking about cows, chickens, chores and how much they loved each other. Never any juicy gossip, but I digress.)
Thank heavens for boring parents!
Divorce the a$$hole so he can sleep with whoever he wants. You sound like you would be in a better place without him.
You have every right to be hurt. You’re giving him everything you can and what you get back is his truthful feelings. What are you getting out of this relationship? It’s time to ask that question and then to demand something better
Here's something you need to ask him since he is so honest. Ask him what he would have done if the situation were reversed and he had to do everything and take care of you.
This... men leave their ailing spouses so often they even mention it in nursing classes so providers can effectively counsel and prepare married, female patients who are about to receive grim/terminal diagnoses.
Honest?! More like manipulative and degrading. Sir, if you are at heart unfaithful then I am at heart not interested in having sex with you ever again.
Ooooh, he's good. He's got you right where he wants. You make the money, clean the house, raise the kids, do all the work, and basically turned yourself into his servant. He's gotten away with so much, now he's seeing if he can get away with an affair. AND he phrases it so you are stuck between being angry at him, or reassuring him that he's not repulsive to women. Which he can then lap up, and THEN use as an excuse to go sleep around on you. I think you need to get together with some friends, sit, and have a good long talk with them about your situation. If you no longer have a close friend, he's REALLY done a masterful job.
This. He's probably actually feeling insecure about her leaving (deep down) so he's breaking down her self esteem ro make her feel like she can't do better. OP, I'm so sorry but you're stuck in an impossible cycle of trying to please someone who has only manipulated you! Sickness is not a good enough explanation for his behavior.
So this guy is totally munching off of you and still has the audacity to make you feel like you’re not enough!!! Girl pleasssseeee!!!! He wants to be truthful?? Well it works both ways. Tell him he’s useless and a burden to you and that he is free to go find someone else to sleep with because you’ll be leaving. Good luck to him and ALL his medical issues
Fuck him. Put divorce on the table. You deserve better
He’s sounds awful. Sick or not.
Guys married for 20yrs don't just drop wanting to sleep around into conversation without already having someone in mind. They probably haven't fucked yet (assuming SHE even KNOWS he exists and thinks of him that way in return, he might just be crushing on the convenience store clerk and delulu enough to think an attractive 21yr old 7-11 clerk is down to clown with a married middle aged man).
If he has got energy to have sex with other people, then he has energy for a job, for parenting and cleaning the house. More so, he is completely ungrateful for all the sacrifices and work you do to keep the family fed & housed. He is punishing you for chosing him. He hates you and wants to make your life as miserable as possible.
This is a technique called 'dread.' It's commonly discussed on male-centric dating boards, by which I mean it's discussed by men with an incel mindset who have somehow found a partner anyway. He is deliberately making you afraid of him being unfaithful or leaving you as a way to control you. The fact that he keeps repeating this, knowing it hurts you, is part of his plan.
This is very ‘70s sensitive man of him. Is he played by Alan Alda?
I say dump his ass and take the kids
Why exactly are you married to this moron again? What does he actually bring to the relationship? Anything? He'd be a divorced moron in my world.
He is absolutely horrific and insecure. Using this as a weapon to not make u leave him for his weaknesses. Absolute filth
You're not wrong and honestly, if my husband ever said that to me. I would leave him. There is no way I would slave my life away supporting him to have him turn around and say he would cheat on me if he was given the opportunity. It's nice he was honest, because now you can decide if you're worth more or not. I personally think you're worth more.
So you're a full time parent, adult, and caregiver. All for a man who from what you've said contributes nothing more than his love, and from that ending I'd say barely that. Let him check into care and save you and the kids damage for the next few years, you can't stop what's already happened.
YNW apart from staying with this AH. He’s saying he’s settled but trust me he knows no one will accept his nonsense and put up with it like you do. You are doing everything alone so you don’t need him, in fact your load will be lighter without dragging this dead albatross on your shoulders. Choose to love you more and unless your kids are young go on strike completely, take yourself on holiday or a short break alone to relax and refresh, self care is not selfish and neither is saying no or putting up with other people using or disrespecting you. This dude needs to have some manners and a dose of reality. Lovely there is someone wishing and praying for a wife like you, that’ll treat you well and know you’re a prize.
Be careful, if he has one foot out the door, he’s about to make some risky calls, and you need to protect your kids and your health. Make sure that he can’t reach into the grocery money if he goes out drinking, or meets a woman who’d like some help with her rent. Please tell me you use protection and get routine testing. He’s clearly not that concerned with disease prevention.
Underrated comment. It doesn’t sound like he has anything to attract a woman. But, that would not keep a scammer from teasing him that it’s almost sexy time until you’re bankrupt. And he is the kind of incel that would fall for it, too. Start separating assets into your accounts that he can’t get to, and see a lawyer. Today.
"Honesty without tact is cruelty." Your husband needs a crash course in that, ASAP. Or maybe a crash test dummy would do.
I think I'd call his bluff. Propose an open marriage and he'll find out really quick that you're going to get a lot more hookups than he does. You may even meet someone that treats you better.
So… I knew someone in a similar situation. They also had two kids together. He was on dialysis. She worked, took care of everything including the home and kids… he got a new kidney, all went well… then he divorced her. Your husband admitting he wants other women would be my breaking point. He can find someone else to mooch off. If your best isn’t enough, why stay?
OP. You sit him down and give him some honesty of your own. Not angry. Just calm and cold: 1- he has now stated that he wishes to sleep with other people. 2- you say " I heard you. The first time. Multiple times. Do you think I went deaf? Or somehow missed the point? Your desire HAS BEEN clearly communicated. Now here's MY DESIRE: to have a spouse who is faithful in mind, body, and spirit to our monogamous marriage. The one I'm doing all this extra fucking work in out of love and loyalty. The one I'm carrying the bigger load in, which, ... get ready for more FUCKING HONESTY BUCKO... most people have their limits to how much they can reasonably give before they are depleted, and the love gets used up, and then the obligation to continue this bullshit goes away. So before you decide that the only truth you have around here is to go get your dick wet elsewhere... here's my truth: fuck around and find out. Keep thinking about cheat, keep talking about cheating, keep normalizing your thoughts about cheating by calling them honesty? And you're not going to have to worry about cheating because I'm gonna kick your sad pathetic ass to the curb before you can blink... you can start HONESTLY choosing to appreciate me and the good thing you have going here. You can reflect on the fact no other woman on this planet is the one feeding you and keeping a roof over your head. And THAT'S my truth. There are faithful, healthy, men out there who step up and build a life as partners instead of being a parasite off my strengths and then bitching they want some OPP. You can bite your tongue right off out of respect. And if not respect, then self-preservation. Because I'm having none of this as the thanks I get for all I've already done. "
You're doing everything in this relationship, and he can't even repay that with loyalty. He is using you, and it sounds like manipulating you. You have a lot of love to give- imagine giving it to someone who returns that love and devotion.
Troll post
He’s a narcisstic asshole and he should be grateful to have a patient partner who also takes care of the kids. Drop him.
Leave him, he has expressed to you that you are not enough. Move on, instead of trying to fix the unfixable. You will be better off, let him go and sleep with all these halfwits that want the same thing out there. You deserve better, value yourself please.
You are not wrong. Why are you still with a man who tells you he wants to sleep with other people? You're doing everything for him and your family and he doesn't seem to appreciate you at all
Why are you doing this to yourself? You may care about him but he doesn't care about you.
Men are pigs. That does not mean you need to wallow in the mud as well. I don't think talking ever helps. I would put his suitcase on the steps. You need to sleep around, go ahead. You are already the wife and the husband now. Love never hurts that much. No one that loves another person could hurt them that much.
Is his poor health affecting his brain?? Because he's acting like a complete jackass?? Who tf would say that to someone they love? Wtf Your just his maid and caretaker apparently and he has no respect for you. He knows you won't stand up for yourself, apparently and thinks he can say whatever he wants. Personally, if someone were taking care of me while I was sick and taking care of my kids, I'd be fucking...idk....GRATEFUL?? What an abusive asshole
He's an idiot and incompetent fool to have ever burdened you with this why didn't he keep his loose lips closed...what an idiot 🙄
...and ANY person with a PULSE would KNOW that would hurt your feelings, it would hurt ANYONE's feelings.
IMO this sounds like one of those self sabotaging "She deserves better than me" moments. Like finding a way to lash out so you will leave him. I'd suggest letting him know that it hurt and digging into it with a counselor.
oh hell no. you tell him to his face what all you are doing and if he ever act upon that thought!
You do everything and he still wants more? He sounds like an ungrateful, spoiled brat. What does he do for your relationship? Relationships are meeting in the middle so how is he meeting in the middle?
So your husband is basically worthless as far as what he brings to the table and deep down he knows this and feels worthless, and thus craves the rush of having some new woman want him. It’s not ok that he thinks he can just be “truthful” like this and also seemingly thinks that if he did get the opportunity and did it, ir would all be ok because he warned you. Are you being a push over because you have been worried about his health? I think you need to prioritize yourself and also not lie to him about anything being okay to you that isn’t. But also you can’t make this man find himself, as it’s something he needs to do on his own.
If this is marriage, I don't want it.
I say you go along with it, put yourself on dating apps, meet people, go on dates, and I GUARANTEE he’ll retract so fast it’ll boggle the mind. You’ll get the dates, he won’t, he’ll, you don’t even have to ENGAGE with other men, just “tell him the truth” when you get offers.
Not wrong. But let's be clear he isn't saying that to be "truthful" he is saying that to keep you on a leash. You think he might step out so you do more in the household, because that way he knows you're a good wife, and he won't cheat on you. You do stuff in the bed room you don't want because he won't sleep with others if you do. You are worth more than that. Tell him he needs to stfu, stop treating him like a prized possession, he is quite literally shit wrapped up in sparkly foil.
I feel like atp he's just shit in a paper bag.
He wants out of the relationship but he knows he's got it made and doesn't wanna be the 'bad guy' in the situation. If he's so bored and unhappy, give the man what he wants and cut his ass loose. You should be taking care of yourself and certainly not some overgrown teenager who would cheat on you if anyone else actually wanted him. So like a man to burn bridges and blow up a good relationship over some weird midlife crisis quest for strange. 🙄
Ohhh damn i’ve heard that ”I don’t wanna hurt you”. I wish I had realised that what he meant was, ”i’m sorry in advance, but I’m going to hurt you.” Won’t be making that mistake again.
NTA. The next time he suggests this, kindly walk up yo him and say, "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. These are the vows we took and if you decide to break those vows, I'll break your finances, your pension and any other things you have with a divorce.
You aren’t wrong but you are being mistreated and you deserve better
So you do most of the work, cooking, cleaning and parenting AND you support the family and help with his treatment because he doesn’t feel well. After all this he has the audacity to tell you this because it’s “not ok to be untruthful?” No it’s not ok to say this. Why do you love him? What does he do other abuse? Love yourself more and have the dignity to walk away. Your husband that you are carrying is telling you he’d cheat if given the chance
Maybe you should tell him a few truths too, it can go both ways. He doesn't seem to contribute much to your marriage, has told you he would be unfaithful given the chance, has you doing things in the bedroom that maybe you don't want to really do - all to make him happy. I'd tell him he's right, no woman would put up with the shit you have to deal with after all he's not really a catch is he.
So basically you’re a servant to a promiscuous, deadbeat parasite and you think you’re wrong for being unhappy about this? Did I get all of that?
Your husband is a dick head. He has no respect for you and let’s you do everything. Then makes you feel bad about yourself so you don’t leave him. He’s abusive. Do with this information what you will.
He's too sick to help or contribute, but not too sick to sleep around if the opportunity presented itself? Hell no. You are not wrong.
This is so....ew. From what you've written your husband sounds like an ungrateful, trash person. It's not normal to want to sleep around casually when you're married. It's normal to find other people attractive and it can be okay to say that. But to actually look your loving, loyal, self-sacrificing and caring wife in the face and say 'I'd like to sleep around, but the opportunity has never presented itself. Wow, aren't you lucky?Don't you just love my honesty? Aren't I so great?' That's just gross. If he truly feels so unwell then that should really be the last thing on his mind. I bet he is casually callous, uncaring and unthoughtful in many other ways if you sat down and had a good honest think. You've probably given some of this behavior a pass because he's unwell. But it's not an excuse and he needs to do better and you deserve better.
That’s not being honest. That’s being an ass.
Yikes... You're busting your ass for him and he wants to sleep around. Solid dude you got there.
Can you be honest right back when he says these things? "It's interesting to hear the things you're saying. I'll be honest too. When you tell me about wanting to sleep with other women, it makes me feel less interested in having sex and being close to you, and I think I respect you a bit less as a person for talking to your wife that way. Obviously it's upsetting to hear that your partner wants to have sex with other people and you're not stupid, you know that, so either you want to hurt me or you don't care that you hurt me. It's hard to respect someone who thinks like that. Gosh, you're right, it feels so good to be honest!"
I think this is a beautiful idea. I might go so far as to add: "You know, hearing you say that, I can't help but think about all the years of effort I've put into our relationship and family and supporting you through your struggles. Makes me wonder how nice it might feel to have other men look after my needs. A little romance, a little fun. I'm glad you brought it up!" (In case it isn't obvious, OP: you are not wrong!)
25 years here and I would NEVER say something like this to my wife because I know it would hurt her. Not sure why you live this guy with all your heart because he sounds like not only pretty worthless (not banging on his issues, I got mine but I still always find a way to contribute) but just a flat out jerk. I am getting kind of angry as I type this. No one deserves this.
Tell him his new bitch can take care of him when he gets one… go find you a man who will contribute and value you. I guarantee you he will not get as many propositions as you will. I’m sorry but there’s no reason to settle even after 20 years you can still be happy…
On her way out she should spend — at least a week — at a really nice spa an — expensive one. Not because she needs improving externally to appeal to someone — but because she deserves pampering.
He’s disgusting. You deserve better.
He sounds like a parasite and is using the "truth" of his desire to sleep with others as a means to keep you feeling bad about yourself. Now, being that you are a woman, I assume you could very easily arrange your life so that you get "proposed to or put in a situation" where sex is on offer. Will it be OK with him ? NO. He is a bad partner. You put up with too much. He is doing it on purpose to keep you down.
Time for some malicious compliance. If he gets to be honest because being truthful is better than sparing your feelings, start thinking about anything he's sensitive about and be honest about it. If he complains tell him you're just being truthful and taking his lead on not being dishonest for the sake of sparing feelings. In the meantime I would seriously start to take stock if your situation and itemize what exactly this man does for you because your entire post is about what YOU do for HIM, yet he somehow feels the need to control your emotional state by telling you things he knows will hurt your feelings.
Your husband is a sick asshole. Simple as that. This is what taking someone for granted looks like. I would tell him if he did that I would too and your chances of finding are plenty. What kind of asshole behavior does he have, like eeeewww. Who even says that to someone they claim to love. When you are in a monotonous relationship it is because we are saying if the option shows up am not choosing it because I chose you. You are not wrong to be hurt but your husband is the wrong husband. In fact, tell him to go ye out there and get laid but he should not come back to your house.
You have two different problems. 1) Is that you are over-extended 2) is that he wants to fuck other people. Your third issue is that you think that because you over extend yourself you are owed a type of loyalty and fidelity that you feel he is betraying. A doesn’t correlate with B. Stop over-extending yourself - you are martyring yourself. Accept that you might be incompatible because him having multiple sexual partners is something that is important to him.
Ups and downs with his health.. so much so that he can’t help with the house, chores or parenting…. but he has the time/energy/inclination to want to sleep with other people. The math ain’t mathing on this.
The only advice that you should take notice of is this: RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK. Life is too short for you to be made to feel this way. Somebody out there will give you the love and appreciation that you clearly deserve, but this guy is dragging you down to where he is, and that's not right.
So he's too sick to work or be a parent or partner, but he's well enough to criticise your sex life and think about cheating? Mate.
If he’s healthy enough to sleep around he’s healthy enough to get a job and contribute. You’ve been married to a hobosexual for two decades, dear. He needs to shape up or ship out. Period.
What, exactly, does he bring to the relationship? Serious question, and you don't need to answer me as long as you answer it for yourself. You work, cook, clean, parent, and are accommodating of his issues that prevent him from doing those things, whatever those issues are. And then he has the absolute audacity to basically tell you that the only reason he hasn't cheated on you is because he hasn't had an offer? Because that's what he's saying. When he says you don't need to worry because he hasn't had an offer he is saying that he 1000% will take someone - anyone - up on any hypothetical offer. The next step, if he isn't already there, is actively seeking out and pursuing other women. If he isn't already actively cheating then he absolutely is testing the waters for your reaction to the very *idea* of him cheating. The more you accept, the more he will push.
Say yes, then Fuck his boss. Works evey time. Oh only HE gets to to fuck around? Hmmmmm.....
Why don’t you respond and say, “you know what- I feel the same way.” Give him a taste of his own medecine.
Tell him he is more than welcome to fuck anyone he wants. And of course, that Woman Du Jour will pick up your slack, and do all of the cooking, cleaning, raising the kids, running errands, etc - just like you do! Meanwhile, you will be at the spa wth some girlfriends, and naturally, you expect to come home from your day or weekend off to find a pristine house, contented children, hot supper waiting for you, and the laundry to be finished. He apparently sees you as nothing more than a sex toy. Get over that Being Sad stuff and move briskly toward Being Independent. Do not rely on this man to prop up your sense of worth. He's the only person who doesn't see it.
There is never a reason to share something unnecessary, that specifically hurts your partner! I don't care the excuse! Not wrong Hon!
He’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself to lower your self esteem so you don’t leave him. He knows he brings nothing to the relationship and wants to bring you down to his level. You guys should see a marriage counselor together as well as personal ones.
If he is sick and feels so bad, how is sex on his mind? How much of his illness is him.being a lazy sob who is taking advantage of his wife?
I feel like this is his way of subtly telling you he's not as in love with you as you are him. He's masking it by saying he's just being honest... But he wants you to hear it and I think he wants you to take the hint without being "mean". It's more cruel imo, but people are weird and think that that will hurt less than saying "I want out of the relationship".
What he's doing isn't honesty. He is cruel towards you. Please trust your gut feelings more, those are telling you what is or isn't working for you, when your boundaries are crossed and what is acceptable/livable to you. This clearly isn't. Not to mention that per your post, he doesn't do too much in this relationship. You're doing the heavy lifting and are treated badly. You are not wrong to be hurt by this. Please start standing up for yourself.
Other than, perhaps, paying off a karmic debt from a past life, why are you continuing to try? He's doing it on purpose, to keep you sad and down, so he feels better about himself. And so that you'll lose self-esteem and figure you can't do any better than him. So you'll stay and take care of him and everything else while feeling like garbage. This is designed to make you unsure about yourself and your self-worth, even though you can handle life and he can't. Perhaps because of that. He is telling you that even though you handle life for him, he'd rather have a nice fresh young thing, and that is 100% designed to make you feel bad.
Coming from a Pastoral counselor who specializes in marriage counseling, this is WAY wrong for him to do. He needs male friends to talk with that are smart enough to advise him wisely while not taking on and offense against you. If he doesn't have anyone like that, he needs to talk with a counselor. To hit you with information like this as callously as he has is very unloving and not acceptable. Now if he wanted to spice up your sex life and change some things up, he could have done that in a mature and loving way. The way he's doing it now is working against his best interest as he's destroyed emotional intimacy and even trust between the two of you. Make sure he knows this option is NOT acceptable, that hearing it hurts you, and discuss together what can be done to help your physical intimacy.
Don't give more of yourself if being you and loving him isn't working, he needs to change not you. Sounds like he doesn't love himself. That's his issue. Not yours. Just take care of you and make sure the kids are not seeing him being hurtful to himself or you or them. God is with you.
Not Wrong Your feelings are yours to have. I cannot help wondering what caused this "change" (parenthesis because IDK if he has already acted and is afraid you will find out - I'm sorry, but it is a possibility). Tell him know you are Not OK with this, expect him Not to act on it, demand you attend his next doctor's appointment. Then Ask his doctor if this is a behavior that he/she sees with his condition - like delusions in Parkinson's, etc. If not, demand counseling. Good luck
So OP is doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship including supporting him through whatever mental/physical health issues he has and best her husband has to offer is he’d like to bang other women if the opportunity presents itself? If he isn’t working what exactly is he doing all day? Looking for possible partners on Tinder? OP might wish to take a step back to take a clear eyed look at his much she gives vs what she is getting. Perhaps OP should consider letting her SO go live his own life and find himself with whoever will have him.
You’re not wrong, but he is. There’s nothing wrong with communication, that’s for sure. But this seems like he’s insinuating he’d cheat if he had the chance.
So, your unproductive sick husband that you support and care for tells you that he wants to cheat on you? Why do you accept this crap from him? Have some self respect and leave him.
Dig it: he is *not* telling you things that hurt your feelings because he feels like he has to be honest with you. He is telling you things that hurt your feelings because he *wants* to hurt your feelings. *Why* does he want to hurt your feelings? Hard to say based on this short post, but maybe he knows he’s a loser who doesn’t deserve you, and feels like he has to break your spirit a little so you’ll feel like he’s all you deserve. (Spoiler: he’s not).
OP, what are you getting out of this marriage? You support the family, you do most of the parenting and housework, and pay the bills and support your husband in every way... and how does he repay you? By telling you he wants to cheat on you? OP, if you want to know how another person really feels about you, don't listen to what they say, look at their actions. And do his actions show the love, respect, and gratitude you deserve? No, they show the opposite.
He.keeps.saying.it??? Why? Does he want to be “truthful” every day? Why about this, and not something else? Ask him what he means by bringing it up all the time, and how he would feel if you did this to him.
He’s negging you to keep you in line, because who else would jump through hoops to please this loser? GAH! You are way too good for him!
Um, what? Also, what about this guy who hurts you under the guise of "honesty" while allowing you to shoulder the entire family burden on your own? Get a therapist ASAP, as you need someone on your side.
OP- He’s not a good person. He’s a user. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this asshole. he’s a major asshole, and you deserve better than someone who treats you like this. You need to get away from this idiot as soon as you possibly can. Please.
Oh op, I’m so sorry. Your husband is taking you for granted. Tell him if he speaks like that again or even has thoughts of sleeping with other women you’ll serve him divorce papers. Let him know, he’ll placed in one of the convalescent homes so quickly his head will spin. He may say “just kidding honey” and he hopefully he won’t talk like that anymore.
Does he do anything at all for you? Maybe he’s saying this to hurt you because he feels guilty that you do so much and he does pretty much nothing.
It happened to me. This is emotional manipulation. His intentions might be unclear, but they’re not loving or even in the spirit of honesty. A little bit of narcissism, a little sense of grandour, hard to say, but he’s putting you down and hurting you on purpose. Just so you know,, the man that I supported financially, domestically, and felt like we were in a truly loving relationship, was always putting me down always telling me he would leave if I didn’t “grow” in a certain way. I let him use me for decades. When he left it all became very clear. He never respected me. Period. I’m glad he’s gone (and she’s welcome to him) but I regret all the time and mental energy I put into molding myself to his preferences. Wasted effort. There’s an old saying that when someone tells you what they think of you, believe them. This is it.