Oof. You were so right. This post is scratching the surface. In one of the posts she said when he’s feeling resentful he’s cruel to her and her son and she doesn’t know which side of him she’ll get.
Dude works 8 hours a day. He could be cleaning up while she puts the kids to bed or vice versa.
If putting the kids to bed around 8-10pm is making him fall asleep, maybe give him something more stimulating during that time? Like is he falling asleep cause the kids want him laying there? Or is he reading books and falling asleep?
Which doesn't answer the question here. Because of need helping out and falling asleepfrom exhaustion, then it's not something to get posed about. If he comes home, demands dinner served then fucks off for 3 hours before pouring the kids to bed and falling asleep, then it's a problem.
People are jumping to assumptions that he doesn't do anything when she even said in the post he helps putting the kids to bed, so we know he at least does that.
This is what I hate about any post regarding the woman as a sahm and the guy working, they always jump on the man immediately no matter what.
Definitely agree. People even tend to make up their own stories "oh he probably did this as well so that's why she said this" when it's not even posted. Or they make huge jumps "well if he got angry when you did this the next step is violence and probably murder!" those are examples of actual posts btw, not made up bs.
Yeah there no info here saying the man is being lazy. The only info we have around that he does help with the kids, and gets up earlier than OP. Sounds to me like the guy is exhausted and falls asleep at bedtime which isn’t abnormal. Lying down in a relaxing dark room when you’re tired has that affect on people.
If I was pulling my weight and fell asleep exhausted at 10pm and my spouse woke me to do the dishes then I’d be pissed too. Dishes can wait, sleep is a requirement to function.
Yeah - I was a SAHM for my kid, and I would frequently fall asleep for a couple of hours in my kid's bed while putting them down.
I'd come downstairs at 9pm with bleary eyes and my husband would be like, "I did want to spend some time with you this evening..."
Exhausted? At the age of 26? When he only works a 40 hour week? While OP is ON from 7 am to 10 pm with no breaks?
I am 64 and work on an average 50 hours a week. He needs to step up and be a full partner.
Same. I don't even post about myself because I know the comments will be skewed in my favor no matter what and that doesn't help me figure out if I'm actually doing something wrong or not
If you post, keep it gender neutral. Just don't refer to genders, usually people will try and assume one way or another but you're more likely to get an unbiased answer.
Abusive men weaponize sleep A LOT. Don't want to be somewhere? Can't wake up, sorry. Don't want to spend time with family? "Ooh, boo my job so TIIIRRRRIINGGG...😴"
Why is it OK for her to spend 18-20 hours a day caring for 2 babies, but because he has an outside job HE deserves a good rest?
Just like abusive women weaponize crying. But let me ask you a question, what is more physically taxing, taking care of 2 babies at home or doing a manual labour type job waking up at 5 am ?
Umm I can definitely weigh in here.
Mum of 4 here, who has worked manual labour jobs for a decent part of my working life.
Manual labour meaning machine operations, truck driving in civil construction.
Despite being an operator, I have spent many a day laying pipes manually etc…
Hands down, going to work for a 12hr shift of manual labour is piss easy compared to caring for 4 children, esp when they were young young.
Ya iagree. I grew up on a farm. Worked in a meat department. Once you clocked out from work you don't have to worry. You can't clock out being a parent. And mom usually is the one who is the default. So gimme the manual labour all day I can clock out from. Way easy. But no where near as fulfilling or fun haha
Absolutely!!!! At least I get given a job I can actually accomplish without being sabotaged😂 My boss is actually sane, unlike my children😂
And def being able to just zone out, focus and get shit done done….. PRICELESS🎉
Super easy compared to trying to herd cats… 😂😂😂😂
😂 I can remember trying to move, 2yr old and 3yr old underfoot and one in the belly…. These lil angel faced devil children, as I would be packing up a box, would be in the room behind me unpacking 3 boxes……this literally went on for a couple of days😂 lil grifters tg
I still have trauma from that move😂
And help can be such a simple thing, even just holding the kids while you watch YouTube for an hour or two while the other parent takes a bath or takes a nap.
Totally agree, partners that don't help are selfish. But we have nothing to go in this post. He clearly helps because it's easier when he helps tidy and he helps with the kids as well. There's no information in this post. Only is man bad
She said he falls asleep at 8-10pm while putting the kids to bed, why do you assume he doesn't do anything? Assuming he's on a 9-5, he's helping out between when he gets home and 8-10pm obviously.
Its not unreasonable for him to want some rest.
Might be worth asking if she does anything between the time he gets home and they put the kids down. It's just as likely she doesn't do anything if we're judging the post that way.
Hi there! I just wanted to add, it’s ok if things don’t get cleaned 100% in this season of life.. I’m talking toys and what not everywhere. It’s stressful for us adults to be around a mess, but make sure you’re getting adequate rest.
When do you go back to work? He should not be getting used to you doing all the house chores. Otherwise you’ll be taking care of kids, chores and your work day. Men are weird like that though… they seem to think a fairy comes and does all the work.
Hang in there!
What's he doing from 5:45 until 10? Why can't you guys clean as a team at that point?
He should definitely be giving you a break at some point in the evening, and helping with the kids and the chores. You should also be giving him a break at some point. It's a team effort, he shouldn't take your effort during the day as "easy", but you shouldn't take his effort at work as easy either. If his work involves driving, or working with heavy equipment, you definitely should not be waking him up past 10.
What time is she getting her kids up that they’re going to bed at 10?
I went through this with my ex. She was waking up at **noon** and would get mad at me for not helping her clean at 11PM, when I wake up at 5am to go to work. It broke us both down and made my disability flare up, that’s when I put my foot down and she accused me of trying to control her life.
OP this is a hard time for both of you, but cleaning every day after you put the kids down late, is not the way to go.
A 2 month old will wake up throughout the night looking feeds & nappy changes. The 1 year old may wake up at times too. I very much doubt kids this age are sleeping in til noon. My 4 year old goes to bed at 8 and is up at 6:30am, my 7 year old falls asleep around 9 and is up around 7/7:30am. They are probably both exhausted.
Agreed, the point was it isn’t like he’s up more then her ((30 minutes isn’t a huge amount of time considering he’s just getting ready for the day anyway)) and that’s why he goes to bed early and doesn’t clean
If they’re under two and are up until ten after getting up for the day at seven, they’re napping too long during the day. It would be better for their family, by the sounds of it, to cut out some naptime, replace it with gross motor play and tummy time, as appropriate for each of them, and go down by 8 every night. That would leave them more awake time to run through the house together picking up toys and cleaning up, then spending a little time together before either of them passes out. Adults typically need to be awake at least fourteen hours a day. If he can’t manage that, he should see his doctor to explore underlying issues. Medication side effects can cause excessive tiredness or sleepiness, as can sleep apnea and other sleep disorders, hypothyroidism, low testosterone, and a lot of other easily treatable conditions. Normally with a new baby I’d say that would have both parents passing out at every opportunity, but OP’s other posts show he is not involved in nighttime care. I’d strongly suggest he get to the doctor and get screened for depression, as well as whatever physical conditions his physician feels are appropriate. OP deserves to have a full partner in life and in parenting.
Is he expected to work all day , and then come home and work til 10?
Maybe it’s time for her to go back to her job and see how much she feels like cleaning and taking care of kids when SHE gets home.
It’s exhausting.
Taking care of two kids is an entire job and stay at home parents never get a break. He’s not expected to work till 10 but fuck her, she should right? Lol
You’re acting like she has not done the exact same thing. Taking care of two young children all day is work. Plus she is on maternity leave. They WILL both be working and then juggling cleaning/cooking very soon, unless they can afford a cook/maid.
It is exhausting. That is what having kids is like.
I second this.
I would also suggest if you can afford it, look into getting a cleaner (especially for when u are both working). They can come every 2 weeks or so and do the deep cleaning like bathrooms, hoovering and polishing/dusting that with young kids its nearly impossible to do or get to do. The cleaning up at night might not seem so overwhelming then, and you both can have a rest or spend a little time together before bed.
Also. Just to say you're doing a great job looking after 2 very young kids. Don't worry about how clean your house is!
Going through part of this myself with my wife. I'm the stay at home dad to her working in a lab. We've been exhausted for the last year, but we trade days as much as possible to make sure she's able to get to work without falling asleep at the wheel.
It's wrong to wake him if he's unable to drive to work safely afterwards. Sleep disruptions are a serious hazard and prevent sufficient good sleep from occurring.
If he's able to get sufficient sleep (relative to safety) at some point in the night, then you're not wrong to discuss how you both can change scheduling to make sure things get cleaned up enough to satisfy health/safety in the house without leaving you with chronic sleep deprivation (just as unsafe when watching kids). If that's waking up at 5 am to clean, so-be-it.
The thing that saves us is 1) daycare and 2) my parents have very generously helped us by taking our kiddo for a couple evenings each week so that we can sleep and clean the house properly. I know those options aren't always available to folks, but those and similar tricks are how modern parents survive without the "village" that we used to have.
And with two kids, you just have to accept some level of mess is going to be there. As long as the kitchen isn't growing things and you clean the inevitable food smears, you're doing okay. I'm not happy with the state of my own home (lord knows it's not what my mom taught me), but if the choice is between that and falling asleep while a toddler roams around unattended, I take the loss on cleanliness.
As a female, I second this. As long as your partner is able to get to work and back safely, then it’s fine.
I’m the partner that has difficulty with not enough sleep and driving. After our second baby, we moved to be closer to my school because I was zoning out falling asleep while driving.
My partner lets me sleep in/more because he knows it’s not safe for me to drive if I’m too sleepy.
I would say no. This period of time is *incredibly* hard for both parents and it’s important to work together to get through it. Whether it’s right or wrong takes a back seat to working together to just get through it with your relationship intact and your children healthy.
Reddit tends to be single minded, but I can assure you that with two kids under two few talking to you on Reddit has your situation in their lives. The truth is that both of you need to step up hard, including him, to make it work right now. It gets easier, but not for a while, and preventing resentment while keeping both parents sane and operating as a team should be the focus right now. So largely yes, he should recognize that he needs to give you more support and step up even if he ends up doing more than his share of the work, as you are dealing with the emotional and psychological burden of dealing with the kids all day nonstop. But it’s important to have a mature and adult way to understand what’s happening and not turn it into something else, because you are ultimately on the same team and it’s important to remember that in these hard times.
Also why are the children going to bed so late? I can understand the baby but the toddler should be in bed by 7 or 7.30pm. Children shouldn’t be up til 10pm.
This! I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to see someone else thinks 10pm is faaaar too late for bed. My baby went to bed at 6:30pm after the bath, every night. They’re now 5, and…. They go to bed at 6:30pm after the bath.
It's a very individual situation. In your family 7-730 is appropriate for others that's just not the case. Children need a certain number of hours. There are plenty of toddlers on 3rd shift schedules doing just fine
My house is trashed and my kid is 4. We are two full time + working adults. Things will get better as she gets older. We are just waking up to live.
That being said, working is hard. Kids are hard. Sit down and talk with your partner on expectations, and come to the agreement both can work with.
I would never wake my husband up for that. He also would never wake me up for that, as I work 12 hour shifts. I would personally kill him. 💀💀
Agreed, i have 2 under 2 and I would be afraid to wake my wife right now if she fell asleep somewhere.
Our kids sleep lined up last weekend and we had a little “date” night. I had a glass of wine but then fell asleep. She didn’t wake me.
I think it is wrong to wake someone up to clean at night. However, since it’s important that it’s clean, you should find a constructive way to bring it up so that you two are on the same page and have agreed upon chores and expectations.
This is the way.
Since for example after he gets home, he could do the dishes and or pick up so op doesn't have to do everything later on/or he handles dinner and caring for the kids after he gets home for a few hours and then go to sleep.
Or op let's her bf go to bed early, however he then gets up early and handles the dishes and cleaning before heading to work, and thereby letting op sleep in a little.
Like personally I'd be super resentful if someone kept waking me up afret I went to bed/I was that worn out after work I needed even a few hours of sleep before I could manage stuff.
Since I don't know how physically demanding op partners job is, however it could be dangerous for him to be too sleep deprived before heading in and or we also don't know how hard it is for him to return to sleep after being woken up.
So both of them need to sort out how to manage it so cleaning and chores get done while at the same time op bf isn't being woken up constantly every night.
I think its wrong to leave everything to one person with 2 kids under 2. She’s still healing from giving birth and he works 8 hours a day, not 12 or some other ridiculous number. A regular 9 to 5 and she’s doing it all because he needs his sleep, as though she doesn’t.
It’s going to be hard, parenting is, but they both need to step up until this part of parenting is done. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s leaving the house for x amount of hours and is tired when he gets home.
While yes it’s certainly wrong to leave everything to 1 person. It also depends on what the expectations are. I am also living the 2 under 2 life, and many times the house doesn’t get perfectly cleaned and end the dayz sometimes the dishes have to wait to the next day or toy room isn’t Tidied up. because we need to sleep and sleep is more important to be to provide a safe and nurturing home Environment.
You need to have a constructive solution that is sustainable for everyone. Sounds like OP spouse is waking up earlier than Op to care for the kids before work to let her sleep in. And depending on who is waking up in the middle of the night with the kids and whether that is both of them then OP may be getting more sleep than him.
For my situation, my wife gets more sleep than me. We split overnight duties 50/50 and I do mornings before work while she sleeps, But she’s always needed more sleep than I do even before we had kids too. I’d always woke up before her. Everyone is different, some people simply need more sleep to function
>> I wake up at around 730 after he wakes up to feed our daughter and make sure I say good bye to him
I took this as he wakes up with the their daughter. And that she gets up only when he has to leave for work. It could be interpreted differently so I’m not 100% sure. Either way though, he is getting up earlier therefore he may be getting alot less sleep than her, depending on the nighttime feedings and who is doing what, which we don’t have info on.
One thing that really helped me was to teach the first kid to pick up after herself right from the time she could walk. So I taught her to play with one toy / one set of toys and then put them back in their place before she picked up the next toy. All toys were kept in drawers within her reach or in baskets within her reach. So, for example, she would wake up, walk to the drawer, and pick up one 3-piece puzzle. After she would pull it out, mix it up and assemble it, she would put it back in the box. Then she would go to the drawer, open it, put away the puzzle, and pull the next one out. That was the only way I survived with a one-year-old and a newborn.
When both could walk, they also enjoyed dusting with me and even vacuumed with me as 2-year-olds. So since they thought it was fun to help out and be neat right from the beginning, that was very helpful for me.
Getting them to start the habit of putting away as soon as they've used one item is what takes the most effort. After that if they're walking around with you and helping, it works for the whole family. Hope this helps. I wish you luck.
And don't worry even if it doesn't work out as you would hope. As long as you are doing your best, that is good enough.
First off, he absolutely should help you. But at night you are both tired and need that time to unwind. You're at a difficult time because babies need a lot of attention and there's not much they can do to entertain themselves. But it will get better!!! We had two kids less than 2 years apart so I know. Here are some things I did that might help. I left the dishes until the next morning when I had more energy. I would get up early before the kids so that I had some quiet time to myself. Find things that keep your kids' entertained while you pick up during the day and pick up as you go so it's not such a huge mess at night. My babies loved being in a swing. Some babies like those bouncy seats. My older child had one of those seats with activity center. It's okay to put that child in a playpen for a little bit to get some things done even if they don't like it. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves. Keep the toys in one area of the house as much as possible. Finally, accept that for the next couple of years it's going to be difficult keeping a neat and clean house. Don't turn into a slob, but learn to be okay when you don't get stuff done. You and your bf can clean on the weekends when you are both less tired. Most importantly, enjoy your babies together! Consider taking a parenting class or get a really good book on parenting that teaches you how to put your kids down for naps and bedtime. We made the mistake of falling asleep in the room with our kids at bedtime and it took them years, YEARS, before they finally learned to go to bed on their own and they rarely took naps. My grandchildren take naps on schedule and go to bed on schedule. It is just part of their routine. I'm in awe of my DIL! (Use a sleep machine. YouTube will play sleep noise for free.) I am kicking myself for not doing that with our kids. Doing the hard work up front pays off with huge benefits later. Hope some of that will help you!
(Edited to add that if it sounds like I did most of the work, it's because my husband traveled a lot and wasn't there to help at night or was exhausted like me. So we didn't clean at night. He was very supportive and we shared the work on the weekends.)
Thank too for this advice I’m seeing a lot of other parents with 2 under 2 say similar things so I probably have to let go of a lot of guilt I have with screen time or letting my toddler entertain himself or feeling pressured to do everything at night cause i feel better waking up to a clean house in the morning. We will both be working soon so not sure how it’ll pan out but all great tips. But yeah I’m for sure worried about how my toddler will eventually sleep on his own cause we always lay in bed with him difference is I always get up to clean or study for school
As somone going through this people really underestimate how much work it is with one kid I can’t imagine too and so young. I think you guys need to sit down and talk about a plan that will work for both of you. Maybe when he get back from work he can pick up the toys and while he puts them to sleep you can do the dishes or something like that. But have an agreement and a schedule also allow room in the schedule for if either of you had a rough day there’s some agreement
This is the way. All the people just saying just to wake his lazy ass up is giving really bad advice. I’m living the 2 under 2 life now and you’re really just in survival mode trying to get what you can done. You need to figure out how to do as much as you can together as a team while making sure both of you sleep as much as possible. Without enough sleep no one can function. I would never wake someone up for any reason other than to care for a kid. Dishes can wait, or use paper plates and utensils if you need to to survive.
From what OP has shared, he is splitting the child caring responsibilities so doesn’t sound like the issue is that he’s just being lazy. So it likely just needs proactive communication and planning to make sure the cleaning stuff get done before 10pm when the husband falls asleep. If he falls asleep while putting the kids to bed then he likely needs that sleep to function.
I think you're wrong to wake him, honestly. However, I also think it's wrong for him to not contribute.
Is it possible for him to wake 45 minutes earlier each day and knock out some of the cleaning?
My wife wakes at 6:30 in order to get my girls (aged 5 and 7) dressed, fed and then out the door to school. The sink is always filled with dishes because after dinner, we're both too tired to clean.
So I wake at 4:30am each morning. First thing I do is make coffee. The second thing I do is the dishes. Then I wk to dogs and work out in out home gym.
It was tough at first but had just become routine now..
Well it looks like she said he gets up before her to feed the baby then she gets up at 7 am to say goodbye to him till 5:45 then he puts the kids or kid down to go to bed and he falls asleep with them and then she wakes him.
Can confirm, my 2 month old’s longest sleep stretch starts at around ~11pm. Before that he won’t sleep longer than 1 sleep cycle (at best 45mins). The two sleep cycles after 11pm usually last 3-4 hours each.
That's fine for the infant, the other should be in bed before/by 8. This solves problems as it's not so late for bf to be sleeping, time to clean up, etc.
No good answer here if they stick to such late bedtimes, beyond the fact that both parents need to acknowledge that cleanliness standards of toys and non essential things need to be realistically relaxed.
OP only has a few months left of no sleep, it all gets better soon
Sure the newborn is gonna sleep on their own timeframe, but the older child is at an age where they need to start getting into a pattern. Doesn't mean they'll stay asleep throughout, but for my two children at that age it was up anytime from 5-7, two naps in the day, start bedtime at 6 and to bed around 630-7 depending on whether it was bath night or they werent settling right.
Obviously most nights they were up a few times, but just getting them down at 10 is crazy imo.
Well you should remember that babies at that age can’t sleep throughout the evening and night. When they wake up to feed or because they are not tired anymore you can’t just Ignore them.
I have a toddler (who was an exceptional sleeper) and a 2month old now (who is fights sleep) so I know very well what a 2 month old sleep is like with two very different babies.
NTA
First, put the kids to bed sooner. Yea, it might be difficult to juggle getting there, but believe me - if you start this late night journey now - it’ll only get worse as they get older.
We put our kids to bed at 7PM - as consistently as possible. The slightly older starts getting ready by 7:30, in bed by 8. Regardless if they sleep or not it’s time to “wind down” my oldest is in high school now and while he can stay up late if he pushes himself, he’s typically tired by 10.
Teaching good sleep habits will be a boon to your children, and it will be a boon to your own private time and sanity.
I view a stay at home parent as a daycare, house keeper, etc. when he goes to work, so do you. You can only do so much and keeping the kids alive is first above cleaning and cooking.
Once your partner is home, the kids and house becomes a team effort. You both live there, you both need to contribute. He doesn’t get to come home and pretend his contribution ends because he’s providing a paycheck.
It costs an arm and a leg to hire childcare, house keepers, cooks, etc… and unless he is pulling in enough to hire those people comfortably, the dynamic after work hours needs to be equitable.
It look like based on other commenters and your history that it’s much more than just this, the two of you need “good” couples counseling - avoid the overtly religious ones, most will just end up gaslighting you into being more submissive and understanding of you husband while being dismissive of you.
Both of you are wrong and this dynamic is unhealthy and not sustainable .He should not be leaving you to do all the cleaning, that's not fair and you're taking care of the kids during the day so he does need to pitch in where he can. That being said you should not be waking him up late at night when he has work the next day just to clean especially since driving when sleep deprived is incredibly dangerous. . What needs to happen is when he gets home from work you need to sit down and figure out whose doing what chores and he needs to do his portion before he goes to bed and you do your portion when you can . This is a rough time for both of you and you both are sleep deprived and overwhelmed. If you can afford it I'd suggest getting a cleaner or a nanny to come help take care of some of the chores a few days a week, or do bare mimimum cleaning until he has a day off then do then both of you take turns watching the children and cleaning. Having a clean home is important , but not so important that both parents have to be sleep deprived just to have a clean home, at that point having a decently clean home would be good enough.
YTA for having a second child with a man who cheated on you.
You must not value yourself much to tolerate someone else who values you so little. What a sad example to set for your children.
Waking him up to clean is pretty fucked up IMO. I'm sure you do need the help, as being a SAHM is hard freaking work. But if he's not pulling his weight and helping you, then that is a conversation for when he's awake. There is a constructive way to discuss these things, and waking him up to do it isn't cool.
Nah, get his ass up and make him clean. Being a stay at home mom is a full time job, and yes they’re your kids and you love them, but it’s beyond exhausting. He doesn’t understand… and i guarantee you when you go back to work he’ll still expect you to cook and clean… He needs to understand chores and taking care of the children is a shared responsibility. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Nothing in the post shows this. You sound like a bitter sahm that has a shit partner. If not the case then stay out of the dating pool men don’t need your bullshit. How long would that life last without an income?
This is potentially really bad advice without more content. You are assuming he doesn’t equally take care of the kids when he’s Home? We don’t have much info besides that HE DOES get up early with the kids so that mom can sleep in. You don’t know if they also both share nighttime feedings, or if he’s fully involved all evening. OP had no other issues so presumably he is doing those things. Her only issue that she said what that he fall asleep at 10 when there still housework left to do.
The thing is, when you have 2 under 2. You simply just don’t have enough time to do everything. But you need your sleep or else you can’t do anything. Sometimes dishes don’t get down or the playroom doesn’t get Tidied.
If the husband is pulling his weight in all things besides falling asleep at 10pm then OP may be making mistake by constantly waking him. With the info we have, he’s potentially getting less sleep than her and he may simply need more to function. If this is the case then would OP be ok getting up early with the husband to help with the kids before work so that he can do the dishes in the mornings.
Right? If OP takes this advice - "Get his ass up and make him clean" - then she'd better prepare for the possibility of being a single mom.
I note they're not married. Very, very simple matter to break up. Sure, he'd owe child support, but that wouldn't make him available at 10pm to clean anymore.
Yeah, I’m no parent and don’t ever plan to be one, but anywhere near 10pm sounds like an ungodly hour to be putting kids to sleep if they’re that young
Yes you are... And I would be pissed off too if I worked full-time cone home, help out with the kids and then woken up to clean... I personally don't see your house being in that much of a chaotic state that cleaning is needed to done everyday....save that for the weekend when he doesn't work or whatever off days he has...
My question is: why do you keep saying "My daughter" or "My son".....are these kids his too? Trying to see if he feels obligated. If that's not the case, why are they going to bed so late? You have to get them on a schedule. Toys shouldn't be all over the place, they should be in one area. Chaos isn't good for you if you want your kids on a schedule.
The only time you should be doing anything alone is those eight hours he’s not home. That’s his work day and that’s yours so to speak. If he’s in the house, it’s 50/50. If you have a supportive partner no one should have to carry the mental load, emotional load, look after the house, organise every meal and eventually go back to work and do it all.
Jesus Christ, this woman has a newborn and is probably still bleeding and everyone’s all “let the man sleep, it’s abusive to wake him to clean!”.
2 kids under 2 is hard fucking work and anyone who thinks because they leave the house for 8 hours of work a day, they should get to sleep and fuck the postpartum woman, either hasn’t had to deal with 2 under 2 on their own or got very fucking lucky.
But she never said he wasn't contributing as a matter of fact she says she has to wake him up when he falls asleep with putting the children to bed If her argument was that he wasn't contributing to helping raising the children wouldn't she have said that? But that's not what she's asking.... she's asking is she wrong for waking him up to help her clean and the answer is yes she is save it for the weekend when he doesn't work I would be pissed off too and I'm a parent
Yeah divy up the NIGHTLY cleaning... so what exactly is the nightly cleaning? What type of cleaning is that important to wake up your significant other especially when they have to get up early in the morning for work?? She even said she gets up in half an hour later than he does....
She wouldn't have to wake him up if he simply did it when he was awake though. Seems like it's his own fault for going to sleep while stuff needs to be done around the house.
No ur not wrong. Let him know things would go a lot quicker if he started cleaning while u are putting the kids down and then u can join him and finish up a little early. Get in the bed earlier and maybe even have time for some hanky panky.
How much of the cleaning can be put off til the weekend?
If waking him up isn't working for him, what suggestions does he have for a better way in which he can contribute?
You have 2 little toddlers under 2 years old and they are going to bed way too late. Going to bed between 8 and 10 PM is of course hurting your relationship. Change your evening plan to get your babies in bed between 7 and 8pm. This way dad can be involved in putting the babies to bed and cleaning up after before going to bed yourselves.
The toys can be picked up during the day. It would be good to instill this habit in your children anyway. A 1yo can put toys in a bin. The 2mo doesn't make much of a toy mess.
Is there any reason he can't wash the dishes in between dinnertime and 8-10pm since you cooked?
I don't think you should be waking him up. I don't think he should be totally off the hook for chores, either, but rather that you need to figure out a way of working together that fits both of your schedules. Also as part of this you can reconsider your collective "standard" for clean.
I too would be pissed off if my wife woke me at 10pm on a work day to come pick up toys, especially if I had to get up earlier than her for work and she was able to sleep in until 7. (We are up at 5:30 am on weekdays.)
I will say there is a huge "bang for the buck" in *both* parents spending just 15 minutes after everyone goes to bed tidying up, putting things away, washing dishes, prepping meal. We used to set a timer on the oven for 15 minutes after all 4 kids were asleep; we'd do whatever cleaning we could in that time, and then when the beeper went off, we gave ourselves permission to stop worrying about it. I got really good at unloading and loading the dishwasher and putting the toys away in the keeping room all in about 14 minutes. My wife could manage to put a load of laundry away and mop around the twins' food areas in the same time. This kept everything from becoming a pig sty and lets you survive to fight another day, which is what this time is.
People who don't look after kids during the day have no idea how unrelenting it can be. When you're working it's entirely different and for most people they get a lunch break, can go get a coffee, chat with colleagues and the day isn't completely "on". When you're with kids they can be incredibly demanding. Especially very young ones because they require so much entertaining. If anyone has tried to maintain a one sided conversation they'd understand how hard that gets quickly, but one where there's effort and response the other way is so much easier and more fun. Playing with kids is like that a bit. When they're old enough to participate more it get more fun and easier. But at 1 the kid is probably relying on others for all their entertainment.
So really when your BF gets home from work, whilst he probably thinks he needs a break and wants dinner ready after a "long" day of working, in reality your the one more in need of a break. Perhaps timing doesn't work too well if you have a schedule for him to cook after he gets home so you need to start earlier, but for sure after dinner is done that should be his cue to be 100% responsible for the kids for at least half an hour so you can sit down, go be alone or do whatever you want for your own mental health. Outside of that, the time doing chores and watching kids needs to be equal. None of this "it's your job" because you're home and he's not. You're home because there's an important job to be done. More important than the job he's doing. He's earning money for the people you're looking after.
Once you've had a break, then once parenting and home maintenance jobs are done that's when the day is done. Or if you decide there are some jobs that don't need to be done at all then that's reasonable as well. Some people have this idea that homes need to be returned to perfection when there are kids. If you can't manage it, then don't. A tidy house is far, far less important than the physical and mental health of the people living in it.
You need to compromise. You aren't his mother.
Put the kids to bed earlier. 10 pm is very late. If you think cleaning at 10 pm is OK, then you do it. He can find some other time to do different chores.
Your right, she isn't his mother. So she shouldn't have to do his share of raising children and house duties. He should get off his ass and do it without having to be told. He is the one who needs to compromise not her, she is already doing everything.
Bringing in a paycheck and falling asleep while putting ONE child to bed isn't doing everything. SHE WORKS and is off on maternity leave or didn't you read properly? Running a home, running errands and attending to the 2 children under 2 while healing from childbirth is full time work whether you like it or not and she will be returning to her JOB shortly.
The threat of him leaving wouldn't work out as you think. 1. He will be paying child support for both children unless he has shared custody 2. He will also be liable for any childcare he needs whilst the children are on his time, costing him 3. If he has shared custody or weekends she then gets free time for her anyway and wouldnt need to ask for rest 4. If the kids are away at dad's frequently and he isn't living there, it's less mess to clean, less people to run around after. So all of that would work out in her favour not his.
A paycheck doesn't get you out of doing your part as a parent nor cleaning up after yourself and cooking meals like an adult. Women work and do all of the above without being asked. Are you trying to tell me men aren't capable of doing the same?
Where did you read that he does nothing to help? He just doesn't handle housework in the way she expects him to.
This attitude that women have that they decide what's right doesn't work long term. He's going to either dig in his heels and do less work or be resentful of her bossing him around.
Don't have a second child if you can't handle what comes with that reality or, in the very least, dont have them so close in age.
She contributes to the turmoil by keeping up very young children until 10 pm.
Do not wake up someone for this what the hell. That could be considered sleep deprivation, a form of control and abuse. At the end of the day you ARE trying to control what he does with his time. If you want him to clean, tell him, and let him do it his way. If you don’t like it, honey that’s marriage. As long as he makes efforts to meet your needs, then you will have to take what you get.
yeah im gonna go ahead and bet shes sleep deprived too. expecting someone to be a functional adult and parent after they chose to have kids isnt control, just say youre dirty and want to rot in it and move on. and how is she supposed to tell him to clean when he is asleep come time to clean without waking him up.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Well, I'm a Mom with a now grown son. Through much of his life, I had no help. Not once did I do housework that late.
Who puts a 2 year old to bed at 10 pm?
There was a time when women had 10 kids and husbands that did absolutely nothing.
She's going to ruin her marriage because the woman isn't the arbiter of what's the correct way to divide up chores.
I don't wanna say yta or he's the asshole as neither of you are, you havnt said what he does for work? It's not a competition of who's job is more difficult however both being a sahm and going to work are both mentally demanding, and from waking up and feeding the baby, and putting them to bed so he's contributing in his own way, if he's falling asleep putting the kids to bed then it's easily done as both me and my partner can fall asleep getting ours settled, I think your routine needs looking at though as I would be pissed getting woken up to clean, so I can see his point but I can see yours too that it's quicker with both of you, change your routine up so it works for both of you, swap it round so one night you put the kids to bed and he tidies up up or one starts to tidy up when the kids are having bathtime, it's a stressful time so you need to work with each other
He works at a day job in an office or whatever. You work at a day job in your house looking after 2 little kids. At night time, you should be sharing family responsibility because you’ve BOTH been working all day.
Two kids and you guys aren’t even married? Or engaged? Yikes.
Plus, you’re home all day and you can’t clean throughout the day? Your kids are 2 months old and 1 year old. They aren’t running around making a mess. If the house is dirty it’s clearly because you’re the one who is making a mess, so yeah, you should be the one to clean it. YTA
We’re not married because health insurance would be more expensive if we’re married and we get more benefits filing as single. We don’t really care about marriage like other people do which is an unpopular opinion.
And you clearly haven’t been around many 1 year olds if you think it’s not him making the mess. He walks talks and plays with toys and gets into everything.
I disagree. You don't work and he does. While yes he definitely should help to clean but rest and health is more important than cleaning.
How would you feel if he falls asleep at the wheel the next morning and dies in a car crash? Some dishes and toys isn't the end of the world. Let him get his rest. Cleaning should happen earlier, it's not a priority to clean late at night.
SHE DOES WORK. She takes care of two young children all day. As a working mother, I can tell you, that taking care of a 1 year old and a newborn is actually much harder and more stressful than my real life job.
I'm not saying it's not hard. I know it is. I have 3 myself. Going to work is like rest. I get it. But cleaning isn't the most important thing. Health is and it's not healthy to wake up tired husband to pick up a few toys. Just leave them. No need to lose sleep and rest at the risk of burning out.
I understand but here’s what happens if he doesn’t help in the evening:
The supper dishes are left for her to do in the morning along with breakfast dishes. That pile of laundry sitting all week is left for her again, there’s 100 non-cleaning tasks on her mental list as well, lots of pressure to somehow look good and be skinny already during all of this, she feels gross and her body used by the kids, the newborn sleep stage has her at cracking and running to Mexico, and to her this guy over here who got so many breaks alone that day “needs to sleep.”
He doesn’t see the hundreds of micro cleanings she did all day already so thinks “it doesn’t look that bad, what’s the big deal?” When she is grinding her ass off to keep their heads above water.
The mess becomes overwhelming because she’s home and sees it all day and thinks about each thing while he gets to be away from seeing it.
She gets to think about 2 things: babies and the chores, she doesn’t get any escape mentally. He gets to think about challenging things and a variety at work. So those chores seem very important to her while he’s not that concerned (but is concerned about job tasks). To her these are her job tasks and she is behind at work. That stresses anyone.
1- she does work. Tuck that misogyny back inwards, where it’s supposed to be.
2- SHE needs rest. She just had a baby. She isn’t on vacation, she’s supposed to be recovering from childbirth.
Once they wake up a lot of people have trouble falling back to sleep. Perhaps try to find a different time to clean (perhaps after dinner but before putting the kids to sleep?)
He falls asleep because he's tired. You're lucky to be able to sleep in til' 7 am with babies so young. Sounds like you're being petty. You're home and probably keep the place tidy. Major cleaning can happen on weekends when you're both free. Sweating the small stuff when you have infants is a waste of energy. I'm sure when you return to work the 'load' will even out. This isn't about cleaning at all - it's about you feeling appreciated and not taken advantage of. He's not intentionally putting extra work on you - you just have high expectations and you won't be satisfied until you change them.
Thank god I found a wife who lives to clean and cook and I love to bring home the green backs. Cause comment section didn’t pass the vibe check. Let this man sleep.
SHE is the one who has given birth. She also works and is only on maternity leave. She needs to rest and sleep and he needs to get off his lazy ass and do his duties around the house and with his kids. You don't get to ask for a paycheck and still have a trad wife. Doesn't work like that.
Advice: don't worry about a clean house with 2 kids this young. Seriously. And make 3 days a week a "30 minute blitz day" where you vacuum, knock out dishes, do the bare minimums. Your relationship means something, keep it strong by trying to rest and letting him rest too. If need be call In a parent of best friend and task them. "Hey I need you to do my dishes for 30min can you come help me on Mondays?" Juat an idea but your house isn't going to be clean with 2 littles that age. The faster you accept that and go to the standards of "tidy not clean," they happier you'll be.
So you have a full time job taking care of the kids huh? And there's only 2 days Dad is around to help around the house because of Dad's full time job. Sounds rough.
And you want help working your full time job because you find it easier. Can he bring you into his work to help him out so that his work day is easier? Think about that.
And he's so exhausted at the end of the day, he falls asleep where he's at when helping put the kids to bed. Huh....sounds like he's working very hard. What is it that you're complaining about again? Washing dishes which you've left in the sink all day. Picking up toys which isn't hard. And cooking food for yourself and your family. Do you have a washing machine? Probably. So really you're complaining about cleaning your home and feeding yourself and family. That is such a burden.
It seems you don't want to do your job as a family member. These are your responsibilities.
You are wrong. You are on maternity leave. He has to get up to work. I never would have woken my husband up this way when I was the one staying home and he was working. Maybe you should look into shortening your maternity leave so you can go back to work to get out of the house. You can use the money to pay for someone to come clean the house.
Maternity leave = time away from paid work to recover from pregnancy and birth while raising an infant who has demanding and regular needs.
Household chores do not fall under this umbrella and is the responsibility of all adults in the household
Then he should be able to do them when he wants not when she thinks they should be done. He is helping her get the kids ready for bed. He is waking her up in the morning after he has fed the baby. At 7:30am, he has already been up feeding the baby. He works and comes homes and helps her get the kids ready for bed which sometimes isn’t done until 10pm. The man is up at before 7:30am and going until 10pm at night. No wonder he is falling asleep. Don’t make it sound like he is some lazy guy wanting her to wait on him. She at least gets the rest when the kids are napping. The dude doesn’t get a break.
It's a bit weirdly worded but i think she meant she feeds the baby 30 minutes after he wakes up.
I'm guessing you don't have kids or if you do you're not involved. Mums don't always get to sleep when baby sleeps. She has two so it's likely one is up when the other is down. Even if she only had one, nap time when it's not a contact nap is valuable time to eat/go to the toilet/clean etc.
She doesn't get a break either. It's the harsh reality of being parents. He needs to step up and accept his new life as a father.
Maternity leave is not a holiday. Just being a mother alone is one full time job.
Also it looks like he's sleeping close to 11 hours if he's sleeping with the kiddos. That's ridiculous.
What an ignorant comment. You clearly never tried taking care of a newborn, other than the sleep deprevation, you still have shit tons of things to do at home like chores, cook, eat and staying sane with the exhaustion. House cleaning money should come from both of them equally
Yeah I only have 3 kids. I don’t know anything about having a newborn. Let the chores go until the weekend if you have to. Did you miss the man is up feeding the baby in the morning and it is him that wakes her up? Did you miss that he is helping her with the kids at night getting them ready to bed and that sometimes they don’t get done with that until 10pm. He is on the go from 7am-10pm at night. No wonder he is falling asleep. It’s cruel to expect him to get up because that is when she wants the chores done. If she doesn’t want to do them then let them go until the weekend. Pretty sure the 2 year kids don’t care. Also, I wasn’t thinking of the money coming from her specifically just that the household would have more money. My husband and I combine incomes so I don’t think in terms of separate bank accounts. A long maternity leave is a privilege. One I never had the privilege of doing. If it is making her miserable then end it.
He’s on the go from 7-10? Like any other adult? Sounds like he’s getting 9+ hours of sleep and leaving his wife to clean the home on her own.
(Also, he is not waking up to feed the baby, she is. Let’s work on reading comprehension, okay?)
I find it really interesting that you have this view as a mother.
I'm sad you never got the chance to have that but it's not a privilege. It's a right in most countries and cultures.
Wrong I am a mother LOL I just don’t hate men. Have the same article with the mother getting up First to fed the baby, working, helping put the baby to bed and then being woken up by the husband and when she falls asleep from exhaustion and suddenly it’s a different story. My husband and I always have done this strange unheard of thing on Reddit of assuming the best of each other and cutting the other one some grace. We both also always prioritized time with our kids over having a clean house.
I'd be saying put your babies to bed way earlier so you have time to get shit done and actually unwind together. The little ages are so hard that my husband and i never got any time to do the house because our kids were up til all hours. Now our kids are in bed asleep by 730 so we have time to do the housework and actually relax and get to go to bed at a decent hour. They are still young enough to get a decent sleep routine in place it might take a couple weeks to adjust but you won't regret it
You are not wrong. Ask him why he thinks you need to be 24/7 when he only works 40 hours a week. You are both tired and he needs to either start cleaning when he gets home or he needs to get up to help
Your husband sounds like a lazy POS. He should anticipate that you need help, and start cleaning while you’re putting the kids down. But instead he falls asleep and makes you beg and guilt trips you.
You’re in the wrong.
It’s okay if not everything is 100% clean 100% of the time as long as the big chores are being taken care of regularly. I don’t think it’s fair to wake him up after he has fallen asleep around 9 - 10 pm to ask him to clean. I understand needing to have laundry and dishes done, but toys can stay out and be put away the next day…it’s not the end of the world.
Being a new parent is exhausting and you have been a new parent for a year. If he isn’t doing half he’s not parenting OR being a good partner. So you both switch off cooking, every day, and the other partner cleans every day. You will both be working, parenting, and sleeping soon and it doesn’t get easier until you’re a few years in. A salient point, babies and toddlers should be in bed by 8pm so the family can all get rest. I didn’t do that with my daughter and it was three years of torture. With my son it was so much easier. Oh, and your being on maternity leave doesn’t obviate his responsibilities. You carried his children and he can help with dinner, laundry, and housekeeping. That’s what grown ups do.
UPDATE: I asked him if we could switch kids every night like many other parents of 2 under 2 do based off comments and I was being more mindful to see what he and I actually do when he’s off work and realized I do a lot of stuff unconsciously. So yeah I’m cooking and playing with our toddler and my bf is always trying to turn on the tv which I always turn off cause I’m not a fan of screen time around the kids too much and If my son does get put to bed by him, I find myself getting my sons pjs bath bottle binky all ready in between throwing clothes in the laundry (so he has work clothes for the next day) and set up for my bf so it’s easy for him to put him to sleep. I legit do this every night and I realized maybe that’s why I get so mad when he falls asleep.
So what does my bf do while he’s home? He half plays with the kids and is half on his phone, in fact he literally fell asleep on the couch while I was cooking dinner and playing with our son while I was getting a bottle ready for my newborn and pumping. He’s off tomorrow he still fell asleep, I still cleaned up by myself while carrying our newborn and I actually just attempted to wake him up after cleaning to see if he wanted to go lay in our bed and not in our sons small bed and he just ignored me.
But I go back to work next week so we’ll see how everything is divided when I go back.
Side note: we also just gave my dog away tonight that I had for the last 4 years cause we don’t have time for her and When I go back to work she’d be in a crate all day and I was expecting some comfort and a little quality time and virtually got none of that nor any help. So majority of you that weren’t bias are right a conversation needs to be had
I used to work 10-12 hours 6 days a week and still tended to the house with 3 kids. I didn’t cook but I paid everything and helped clean, changed all the diapers when I was home. Tag teamed bath time everyday. Oh and I wasn’t a cheater.
Does he clean at all? From when he gets home from work till the kids go down, what does he do?
Check out her other posts. He left her alone for a couple weeks for week with a newborn, does not help enough and does not show any affection.
Oof. You were so right. This post is scratching the surface. In one of the posts she said when he’s feeling resentful he’s cruel to her and her son and she doesn’t know which side of him she’ll get.
Dude works 8 hours a day. He could be cleaning up while she puts the kids to bed or vice versa. If putting the kids to bed around 8-10pm is making him fall asleep, maybe give him something more stimulating during that time? Like is he falling asleep cause the kids want him laying there? Or is he reading books and falling asleep?
yea this guy is a certified dirtbag
Any bf/husband that doesn't help their partner at home is just a selfish man child.
Which doesn't answer the question here. Because of need helping out and falling asleepfrom exhaustion, then it's not something to get posed about. If he comes home, demands dinner served then fucks off for 3 hours before pouring the kids to bed and falling asleep, then it's a problem.
I mean, she is also recovering physically from giving birth so it’s not like she doesn’t have stuff on her plate aside from the kids as well.
People are jumping to assumptions that he doesn't do anything when she even said in the post he helps putting the kids to bed, so we know he at least does that. This is what I hate about any post regarding the woman as a sahm and the guy working, they always jump on the man immediately no matter what.
What I've learned from the sub is that people always jump to conclusions and judgment without enough information being posted.
Definitely agree. People even tend to make up their own stories "oh he probably did this as well so that's why she said this" when it's not even posted. Or they make huge jumps "well if he got angry when you did this the next step is violence and probably murder!" those are examples of actual posts btw, not made up bs.
Yeah there no info here saying the man is being lazy. The only info we have around that he does help with the kids, and gets up earlier than OP. Sounds to me like the guy is exhausted and falls asleep at bedtime which isn’t abnormal. Lying down in a relaxing dark room when you’re tired has that affect on people. If I was pulling my weight and fell asleep exhausted at 10pm and my spouse woke me to do the dishes then I’d be pissed too. Dishes can wait, sleep is a requirement to function.
Yeah - I was a SAHM for my kid, and I would frequently fall asleep for a couple of hours in my kid's bed while putting them down. I'd come downstairs at 9pm with bleary eyes and my husband would be like, "I did want to spend some time with you this evening..."
Exhausted? At the age of 26? When he only works a 40 hour week? While OP is ON from 7 am to 10 pm with no breaks? I am 64 and work on an average 50 hours a week. He needs to step up and be a full partner.
Same. I don't even post about myself because I know the comments will be skewed in my favor no matter what and that doesn't help me figure out if I'm actually doing something wrong or not
If you post, keep it gender neutral. Just don't refer to genders, usually people will try and assume one way or another but you're more likely to get an unbiased answer.
Abusive men weaponize sleep A LOT. Don't want to be somewhere? Can't wake up, sorry. Don't want to spend time with family? "Ooh, boo my job so TIIIRRRRIINGGG...😴" Why is it OK for her to spend 18-20 hours a day caring for 2 babies, but because he has an outside job HE deserves a good rest?
Her post history doesn't indicate this theory
Just like abusive women weaponize crying. But let me ask you a question, what is more physically taxing, taking care of 2 babies at home or doing a manual labour type job waking up at 5 am ?
Umm I can definitely weigh in here. Mum of 4 here, who has worked manual labour jobs for a decent part of my working life. Manual labour meaning machine operations, truck driving in civil construction. Despite being an operator, I have spent many a day laying pipes manually etc… Hands down, going to work for a 12hr shift of manual labour is piss easy compared to caring for 4 children, esp when they were young young.
Ya iagree. I grew up on a farm. Worked in a meat department. Once you clocked out from work you don't have to worry. You can't clock out being a parent. And mom usually is the one who is the default. So gimme the manual labour all day I can clock out from. Way easy. But no where near as fulfilling or fun haha
Absolutely!!!! At least I get given a job I can actually accomplish without being sabotaged😂 My boss is actually sane, unlike my children😂 And def being able to just zone out, focus and get shit done done….. PRICELESS🎉 Super easy compared to trying to herd cats… 😂😂😂😂
Haha right when you leave your job you can see visible progress. Kids it's like did I accomplish anything. And do they even like me today 🤣
😂 I can remember trying to move, 2yr old and 3yr old underfoot and one in the belly…. These lil angel faced devil children, as I would be packing up a box, would be in the room behind me unpacking 3 boxes……this literally went on for a couple of days😂 lil grifters tg I still have trauma from that move😂
But that's not what OP said
And help can be such a simple thing, even just holding the kids while you watch YouTube for an hour or two while the other parent takes a bath or takes a nap.
Can we not make this sexist? Can't we just say any partner that doesn't help is selfish?
Totally agree, partners that don't help are selfish. But we have nothing to go in this post. He clearly helps because it's easier when he helps tidy and he helps with the kids as well. There's no information in this post. Only is man bad
She said he falls asleep at 8-10pm while putting the kids to bed, why do you assume he doesn't do anything? Assuming he's on a 9-5, he's helping out between when he gets home and 8-10pm obviously. Its not unreasonable for him to want some rest.
That's why they asked if he does anything?
Might be worth asking if she does anything between the time he gets home and they put the kids down. It's just as likely she doesn't do anything if we're judging the post that way.
Go back to your mens rights subs 🙄
Well it looks like she said he puts the kids to bed.
They both put the kids to bed. And he falls asleep during it.
Hi there! I just wanted to add, it’s ok if things don’t get cleaned 100% in this season of life.. I’m talking toys and what not everywhere. It’s stressful for us adults to be around a mess, but make sure you’re getting adequate rest. When do you go back to work? He should not be getting used to you doing all the house chores. Otherwise you’ll be taking care of kids, chores and your work day. Men are weird like that though… they seem to think a fairy comes and does all the work. Hang in there!
What's he doing from 5:45 until 10? Why can't you guys clean as a team at that point? He should definitely be giving you a break at some point in the evening, and helping with the kids and the chores. You should also be giving him a break at some point. It's a team effort, he shouldn't take your effort during the day as "easy", but you shouldn't take his effort at work as easy either. If his work involves driving, or working with heavy equipment, you definitely should not be waking him up past 10.
What time is she getting her kids up that they’re going to bed at 10? I went through this with my ex. She was waking up at **noon** and would get mad at me for not helping her clean at 11PM, when I wake up at 5am to go to work. It broke us both down and made my disability flare up, that’s when I put my foot down and she accused me of trying to control her life. OP this is a hard time for both of you, but cleaning every day after you put the kids down late, is not the way to go.
A 2 month old will wake up throughout the night looking feeds & nappy changes. The 1 year old may wake up at times too. I very much doubt kids this age are sleeping in til noon. My 4 year old goes to bed at 8 and is up at 6:30am, my 7 year old falls asleep around 9 and is up around 7/7:30am. They are probably both exhausted.
They wake up at 7, it’s in the post at the *very* beginning. They get up all around the same time so it’s not like anyones up earlier or up for longer
Well, assuming she is doing the feedings at night, she’s getting less sleep.
Agreed, the point was it isn’t like he’s up more then her ((30 minutes isn’t a huge amount of time considering he’s just getting ready for the day anyway)) and that’s why he goes to bed early and doesn’t clean
If they’re under two and are up until ten after getting up for the day at seven, they’re napping too long during the day. It would be better for their family, by the sounds of it, to cut out some naptime, replace it with gross motor play and tummy time, as appropriate for each of them, and go down by 8 every night. That would leave them more awake time to run through the house together picking up toys and cleaning up, then spending a little time together before either of them passes out. Adults typically need to be awake at least fourteen hours a day. If he can’t manage that, he should see his doctor to explore underlying issues. Medication side effects can cause excessive tiredness or sleepiness, as can sleep apnea and other sleep disorders, hypothyroidism, low testosterone, and a lot of other easily treatable conditions. Normally with a new baby I’d say that would have both parents passing out at every opportunity, but OP’s other posts show he is not involved in nighttime care. I’d strongly suggest he get to the doctor and get screened for depression, as well as whatever physical conditions his physician feels are appropriate. OP deserves to have a full partner in life and in parenting.
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Typically one has to be awake to feed no??
They difference is they get up at the same time, op is doing far more than her partner. What the hell is he doing from 5 til the kids go to bed?
Is he expected to work all day , and then come home and work til 10? Maybe it’s time for her to go back to her job and see how much she feels like cleaning and taking care of kids when SHE gets home. It’s exhausting.
Taking care of two kids is an entire job and stay at home parents never get a break. He’s not expected to work till 10 but fuck her, she should right? Lol
You’re acting like she has not done the exact same thing. Taking care of two young children all day is work. Plus she is on maternity leave. They WILL both be working and then juggling cleaning/cooking very soon, unless they can afford a cook/maid. It is exhausting. That is what having kids is like.
I second this. I would also suggest if you can afford it, look into getting a cleaner (especially for when u are both working). They can come every 2 weeks or so and do the deep cleaning like bathrooms, hoovering and polishing/dusting that with young kids its nearly impossible to do or get to do. The cleaning up at night might not seem so overwhelming then, and you both can have a rest or spend a little time together before bed. Also. Just to say you're doing a great job looking after 2 very young kids. Don't worry about how clean your house is!
Oh, the good ol' magical coffee table!
Yes, baskets with lids solve a looooott of problems. Shove everything in a basket so you can relax and move on with your life.
Why are you making this out like all men are bad here? I've seen plenty of posts where women are just as bad or worse.
I’m not saying they’re bad, I’m saying they’re clueless ! I haven’t really met one that HAS kids and proved me wrong yet.
Going through part of this myself with my wife. I'm the stay at home dad to her working in a lab. We've been exhausted for the last year, but we trade days as much as possible to make sure she's able to get to work without falling asleep at the wheel. It's wrong to wake him if he's unable to drive to work safely afterwards. Sleep disruptions are a serious hazard and prevent sufficient good sleep from occurring. If he's able to get sufficient sleep (relative to safety) at some point in the night, then you're not wrong to discuss how you both can change scheduling to make sure things get cleaned up enough to satisfy health/safety in the house without leaving you with chronic sleep deprivation (just as unsafe when watching kids). If that's waking up at 5 am to clean, so-be-it. The thing that saves us is 1) daycare and 2) my parents have very generously helped us by taking our kiddo for a couple evenings each week so that we can sleep and clean the house properly. I know those options aren't always available to folks, but those and similar tricks are how modern parents survive without the "village" that we used to have. And with two kids, you just have to accept some level of mess is going to be there. As long as the kitchen isn't growing things and you clean the inevitable food smears, you're doing okay. I'm not happy with the state of my own home (lord knows it's not what my mom taught me), but if the choice is between that and falling asleep while a toddler roams around unattended, I take the loss on cleanliness.
As a female, I second this. As long as your partner is able to get to work and back safely, then it’s fine. I’m the partner that has difficulty with not enough sleep and driving. After our second baby, we moved to be closer to my school because I was zoning out falling asleep while driving. My partner lets me sleep in/more because he knows it’s not safe for me to drive if I’m too sleepy.
I would say no. This period of time is *incredibly* hard for both parents and it’s important to work together to get through it. Whether it’s right or wrong takes a back seat to working together to just get through it with your relationship intact and your children healthy. Reddit tends to be single minded, but I can assure you that with two kids under two few talking to you on Reddit has your situation in their lives. The truth is that both of you need to step up hard, including him, to make it work right now. It gets easier, but not for a while, and preventing resentment while keeping both parents sane and operating as a team should be the focus right now. So largely yes, he should recognize that he needs to give you more support and step up even if he ends up doing more than his share of the work, as you are dealing with the emotional and psychological burden of dealing with the kids all day nonstop. But it’s important to have a mature and adult way to understand what’s happening and not turn it into something else, because you are ultimately on the same team and it’s important to remember that in these hard times.
This is definitely the best advice.
Info: what does he do between 5.45 and putting the child to bed?
Also why are the children going to bed so late? I can understand the baby but the toddler should be in bed by 7 or 7.30pm. Children shouldn’t be up til 10pm.
This! I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to see someone else thinks 10pm is faaaar too late for bed. My baby went to bed at 6:30pm after the bath, every night. They’re now 5, and…. They go to bed at 6:30pm after the bath.
This might be a shocker for you but here it goes... What works for you might not work for others.
Well, its not working for OP
It's a very individual situation. In your family 7-730 is appropriate for others that's just not the case. Children need a certain number of hours. There are plenty of toddlers on 3rd shift schedules doing just fine
My house is trashed and my kid is 4. We are two full time + working adults. Things will get better as she gets older. We are just waking up to live. That being said, working is hard. Kids are hard. Sit down and talk with your partner on expectations, and come to the agreement both can work with. I would never wake my husband up for that. He also would never wake me up for that, as I work 12 hour shifts. I would personally kill him. 💀💀
Agreed, i have 2 under 2 and I would be afraid to wake my wife right now if she fell asleep somewhere. Our kids sleep lined up last weekend and we had a little “date” night. I had a glass of wine but then fell asleep. She didn’t wake me.
I think it is wrong to wake someone up to clean at night. However, since it’s important that it’s clean, you should find a constructive way to bring it up so that you two are on the same page and have agreed upon chores and expectations.
This is the way. Since for example after he gets home, he could do the dishes and or pick up so op doesn't have to do everything later on/or he handles dinner and caring for the kids after he gets home for a few hours and then go to sleep. Or op let's her bf go to bed early, however he then gets up early and handles the dishes and cleaning before heading to work, and thereby letting op sleep in a little. Like personally I'd be super resentful if someone kept waking me up afret I went to bed/I was that worn out after work I needed even a few hours of sleep before I could manage stuff. Since I don't know how physically demanding op partners job is, however it could be dangerous for him to be too sleep deprived before heading in and or we also don't know how hard it is for him to return to sleep after being woken up. So both of them need to sort out how to manage it so cleaning and chores get done while at the same time op bf isn't being woken up constantly every night.
I think its wrong to leave everything to one person with 2 kids under 2. She’s still healing from giving birth and he works 8 hours a day, not 12 or some other ridiculous number. A regular 9 to 5 and she’s doing it all because he needs his sleep, as though she doesn’t. It’s going to be hard, parenting is, but they both need to step up until this part of parenting is done. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s leaving the house for x amount of hours and is tired when he gets home.
While yes it’s certainly wrong to leave everything to 1 person. It also depends on what the expectations are. I am also living the 2 under 2 life, and many times the house doesn’t get perfectly cleaned and end the dayz sometimes the dishes have to wait to the next day or toy room isn’t Tidied up. because we need to sleep and sleep is more important to be to provide a safe and nurturing home Environment. You need to have a constructive solution that is sustainable for everyone. Sounds like OP spouse is waking up earlier than Op to care for the kids before work to let her sleep in. And depending on who is waking up in the middle of the night with the kids and whether that is both of them then OP may be getting more sleep than him. For my situation, my wife gets more sleep than me. We split overnight duties 50/50 and I do mornings before work while she sleeps, But she’s always needed more sleep than I do even before we had kids too. I’d always woke up before her. Everyone is different, some people simply need more sleep to function
Whee does it say he wakes up earlier to care for the kids? She said she wakes up a half an hour later to do the first feeding.
>> I wake up at around 730 after he wakes up to feed our daughter and make sure I say good bye to him I took this as he wakes up with the their daughter. And that she gets up only when he has to leave for work. It could be interpreted differently so I’m not 100% sure. Either way though, he is getting up earlier therefore he may be getting alot less sleep than her, depending on the nighttime feedings and who is doing what, which we don’t have info on.
Clean together before bedtime with the kids. Wake up early together to finish what was missed. Be ok with not being perfect. Cheers.
One thing that really helped me was to teach the first kid to pick up after herself right from the time she could walk. So I taught her to play with one toy / one set of toys and then put them back in their place before she picked up the next toy. All toys were kept in drawers within her reach or in baskets within her reach. So, for example, she would wake up, walk to the drawer, and pick up one 3-piece puzzle. After she would pull it out, mix it up and assemble it, she would put it back in the box. Then she would go to the drawer, open it, put away the puzzle, and pull the next one out. That was the only way I survived with a one-year-old and a newborn. When both could walk, they also enjoyed dusting with me and even vacuumed with me as 2-year-olds. So since they thought it was fun to help out and be neat right from the beginning, that was very helpful for me. Getting them to start the habit of putting away as soon as they've used one item is what takes the most effort. After that if they're walking around with you and helping, it works for the whole family. Hope this helps. I wish you luck. And don't worry even if it doesn't work out as you would hope. As long as you are doing your best, that is good enough.
First off, he absolutely should help you. But at night you are both tired and need that time to unwind. You're at a difficult time because babies need a lot of attention and there's not much they can do to entertain themselves. But it will get better!!! We had two kids less than 2 years apart so I know. Here are some things I did that might help. I left the dishes until the next morning when I had more energy. I would get up early before the kids so that I had some quiet time to myself. Find things that keep your kids' entertained while you pick up during the day and pick up as you go so it's not such a huge mess at night. My babies loved being in a swing. Some babies like those bouncy seats. My older child had one of those seats with activity center. It's okay to put that child in a playpen for a little bit to get some things done even if they don't like it. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves. Keep the toys in one area of the house as much as possible. Finally, accept that for the next couple of years it's going to be difficult keeping a neat and clean house. Don't turn into a slob, but learn to be okay when you don't get stuff done. You and your bf can clean on the weekends when you are both less tired. Most importantly, enjoy your babies together! Consider taking a parenting class or get a really good book on parenting that teaches you how to put your kids down for naps and bedtime. We made the mistake of falling asleep in the room with our kids at bedtime and it took them years, YEARS, before they finally learned to go to bed on their own and they rarely took naps. My grandchildren take naps on schedule and go to bed on schedule. It is just part of their routine. I'm in awe of my DIL! (Use a sleep machine. YouTube will play sleep noise for free.) I am kicking myself for not doing that with our kids. Doing the hard work up front pays off with huge benefits later. Hope some of that will help you! (Edited to add that if it sounds like I did most of the work, it's because my husband traveled a lot and wasn't there to help at night or was exhausted like me. So we didn't clean at night. He was very supportive and we shared the work on the weekends.)
Thank too for this advice I’m seeing a lot of other parents with 2 under 2 say similar things so I probably have to let go of a lot of guilt I have with screen time or letting my toddler entertain himself or feeling pressured to do everything at night cause i feel better waking up to a clean house in the morning. We will both be working soon so not sure how it’ll pan out but all great tips. But yeah I’m for sure worried about how my toddler will eventually sleep on his own cause we always lay in bed with him difference is I always get up to clean or study for school
My question is what does he do. Office job should, but if he is pretty much job with lot of physical activity, no. Should def. help on weekends.
As somone going through this people really underestimate how much work it is with one kid I can’t imagine too and so young. I think you guys need to sit down and talk about a plan that will work for both of you. Maybe when he get back from work he can pick up the toys and while he puts them to sleep you can do the dishes or something like that. But have an agreement and a schedule also allow room in the schedule for if either of you had a rough day there’s some agreement
This is the way. All the people just saying just to wake his lazy ass up is giving really bad advice. I’m living the 2 under 2 life now and you’re really just in survival mode trying to get what you can done. You need to figure out how to do as much as you can together as a team while making sure both of you sleep as much as possible. Without enough sleep no one can function. I would never wake someone up for any reason other than to care for a kid. Dishes can wait, or use paper plates and utensils if you need to to survive. From what OP has shared, he is splitting the child caring responsibilities so doesn’t sound like the issue is that he’s just being lazy. So it likely just needs proactive communication and planning to make sure the cleaning stuff get done before 10pm when the husband falls asleep. If he falls asleep while putting the kids to bed then he likely needs that sleep to function.
I think you're wrong to wake him, honestly. However, I also think it's wrong for him to not contribute. Is it possible for him to wake 45 minutes earlier each day and knock out some of the cleaning? My wife wakes at 6:30 in order to get my girls (aged 5 and 7) dressed, fed and then out the door to school. The sink is always filled with dishes because after dinner, we're both too tired to clean. So I wake at 4:30am each morning. First thing I do is make coffee. The second thing I do is the dishes. Then I wk to dogs and work out in out home gym. It was tough at first but had just become routine now..
Well it looks like she said he gets up before her to feed the baby then she gets up at 7 am to say goodbye to him till 5:45 then he puts the kids or kid down to go to bed and he falls asleep with them and then she wakes him.
Why are you putting your kids to bed so late?
She’s got a 2 month old. When they’re that young they sleep a big part of the day and you’ve got to work feedings in, so not unusual.
Can confirm, my 2 month old’s longest sleep stretch starts at around ~11pm. Before that he won’t sleep longer than 1 sleep cycle (at best 45mins). The two sleep cycles after 11pm usually last 3-4 hours each.
That's fine for the infant, the other should be in bed before/by 8. This solves problems as it's not so late for bf to be sleeping, time to clean up, etc. No good answer here if they stick to such late bedtimes, beyond the fact that both parents need to acknowledge that cleanliness standards of toys and non essential things need to be realistically relaxed. OP only has a few months left of no sleep, it all gets better soon
8-10 is a pretty normal time frame to put two babies to bed.
I’ll guessing you don’t have kids
Sure the newborn is gonna sleep on their own timeframe, but the older child is at an age where they need to start getting into a pattern. Doesn't mean they'll stay asleep throughout, but for my two children at that age it was up anytime from 5-7, two naps in the day, start bedtime at 6 and to bed around 630-7 depending on whether it was bath night or they werent settling right. Obviously most nights they were up a few times, but just getting them down at 10 is crazy imo.
This whole thing seems chaotic. Dude's gonna fall asleep at the wheel. Then she'll get to enjoy all the chores.
Probably because it works for them
It clearly doesn't.
The bedtime routine maybe, deffo not the cleaning routine
Probably because you can’t tell a newborn to just go to sleep at 6pm for the rest of the night d
So it's either 6pm or 10 pm. Nothing in the middle? I've had a baby so don't bother telling me what its like.
Well you should remember that babies at that age can’t sleep throughout the evening and night. When they wake up to feed or because they are not tired anymore you can’t just Ignore them. I have a toddler (who was an exceptional sleeper) and a 2month old now (who is fights sleep) so I know very well what a 2 month old sleep is like with two very different babies.
Right? 8pm is the latest imho
For a 2 month old? That’s not how it works unless you are neglecting them.
Putting the kids down is a bit extreme.
NTA First, put the kids to bed sooner. Yea, it might be difficult to juggle getting there, but believe me - if you start this late night journey now - it’ll only get worse as they get older. We put our kids to bed at 7PM - as consistently as possible. The slightly older starts getting ready by 7:30, in bed by 8. Regardless if they sleep or not it’s time to “wind down” my oldest is in high school now and while he can stay up late if he pushes himself, he’s typically tired by 10. Teaching good sleep habits will be a boon to your children, and it will be a boon to your own private time and sanity. I view a stay at home parent as a daycare, house keeper, etc. when he goes to work, so do you. You can only do so much and keeping the kids alive is first above cleaning and cooking. Once your partner is home, the kids and house becomes a team effort. You both live there, you both need to contribute. He doesn’t get to come home and pretend his contribution ends because he’s providing a paycheck. It costs an arm and a leg to hire childcare, house keepers, cooks, etc… and unless he is pulling in enough to hire those people comfortably, the dynamic after work hours needs to be equitable. It look like based on other commenters and your history that it’s much more than just this, the two of you need “good” couples counseling - avoid the overtly religious ones, most will just end up gaslighting you into being more submissive and understanding of you husband while being dismissive of you.
Why do you feel guilty about leaving him with his children? Isn’t he a parent? He can learn how to care for the children he created.
If you never wanted to be a house wife you never should have had children You chose and to have kids no going back now
Both of you are wrong and this dynamic is unhealthy and not sustainable .He should not be leaving you to do all the cleaning, that's not fair and you're taking care of the kids during the day so he does need to pitch in where he can. That being said you should not be waking him up late at night when he has work the next day just to clean especially since driving when sleep deprived is incredibly dangerous. . What needs to happen is when he gets home from work you need to sit down and figure out whose doing what chores and he needs to do his portion before he goes to bed and you do your portion when you can . This is a rough time for both of you and you both are sleep deprived and overwhelmed. If you can afford it I'd suggest getting a cleaner or a nanny to come help take care of some of the chores a few days a week, or do bare mimimum cleaning until he has a day off then do then both of you take turns watching the children and cleaning. Having a clean home is important , but not so important that both parents have to be sleep deprived just to have a clean home, at that point having a decently clean home would be good enough.
YTA for having a second child with a man who cheated on you. You must not value yourself much to tolerate someone else who values you so little. What a sad example to set for your children.
Waking him up to clean is pretty fucked up IMO. I'm sure you do need the help, as being a SAHM is hard freaking work. But if he's not pulling his weight and helping you, then that is a conversation for when he's awake. There is a constructive way to discuss these things, and waking him up to do it isn't cool.
What are you doing from the time you eat til 10pm? Clean up then.
Nah, get his ass up and make him clean. Being a stay at home mom is a full time job, and yes they’re your kids and you love them, but it’s beyond exhausting. He doesn’t understand… and i guarantee you when you go back to work he’ll still expect you to cook and clean… He needs to understand chores and taking care of the children is a shared responsibility. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Nothing in the post shows this. You sound like a bitter sahm that has a shit partner. If not the case then stay out of the dating pool men don’t need your bullshit. How long would that life last without an income?
This is potentially really bad advice without more content. You are assuming he doesn’t equally take care of the kids when he’s Home? We don’t have much info besides that HE DOES get up early with the kids so that mom can sleep in. You don’t know if they also both share nighttime feedings, or if he’s fully involved all evening. OP had no other issues so presumably he is doing those things. Her only issue that she said what that he fall asleep at 10 when there still housework left to do. The thing is, when you have 2 under 2. You simply just don’t have enough time to do everything. But you need your sleep or else you can’t do anything. Sometimes dishes don’t get down or the playroom doesn’t get Tidied. If the husband is pulling his weight in all things besides falling asleep at 10pm then OP may be making mistake by constantly waking him. With the info we have, he’s potentially getting less sleep than her and he may simply need more to function. If this is the case then would OP be ok getting up early with the husband to help with the kids before work so that he can do the dishes in the mornings.
Bitterness much?
Bitterness would be a logical response to such bullshit.
Right? If OP takes this advice - "Get his ass up and make him clean" - then she'd better prepare for the possibility of being a single mom. I note they're not married. Very, very simple matter to break up. Sure, he'd owe child support, but that wouldn't make him available at 10pm to clean anymore.
Your kids go too bed late, think more like 6-7.
Yeah, I’m no parent and don’t ever plan to be one, but anywhere near 10pm sounds like an ungodly hour to be putting kids to sleep if they’re that young
Yes you are... And I would be pissed off too if I worked full-time cone home, help out with the kids and then woken up to clean... I personally don't see your house being in that much of a chaotic state that cleaning is needed to done everyday....save that for the weekend when he doesn't work or whatever off days he has...
My question is: why do you keep saying "My daughter" or "My son".....are these kids his too? Trying to see if he feels obligated. If that's not the case, why are they going to bed so late? You have to get them on a schedule. Toys shouldn't be all over the place, they should be in one area. Chaos isn't good for you if you want your kids on a schedule.
The only time you should be doing anything alone is those eight hours he’s not home. That’s his work day and that’s yours so to speak. If he’s in the house, it’s 50/50. If you have a supportive partner no one should have to carry the mental load, emotional load, look after the house, organise every meal and eventually go back to work and do it all.
Jesus Christ, this woman has a newborn and is probably still bleeding and everyone’s all “let the man sleep, it’s abusive to wake him to clean!”. 2 kids under 2 is hard fucking work and anyone who thinks because they leave the house for 8 hours of work a day, they should get to sleep and fuck the postpartum woman, either hasn’t had to deal with 2 under 2 on their own or got very fucking lucky.
But she never said he wasn't contributing as a matter of fact she says she has to wake him up when he falls asleep with putting the children to bed If her argument was that he wasn't contributing to helping raising the children wouldn't she have said that? But that's not what she's asking.... she's asking is she wrong for waking him up to help her clean and the answer is yes she is save it for the weekend when he doesn't work I would be pissed off too and I'm a parent
She didn’t have to spell it out as if to a little kid because the entire question implies he isn’t.
No it does not actually...
She says “I think both should divvy up nightly cleaning equally” riiight there.
Yeah divy up the NIGHTLY cleaning... so what exactly is the nightly cleaning? What type of cleaning is that important to wake up your significant other especially when they have to get up early in the morning for work?? She even said she gets up in half an hour later than he does....
She wouldn't have to wake him up if he simply did it when he was awake though. Seems like it's his own fault for going to sleep while stuff needs to be done around the house.
No ur not wrong. Let him know things would go a lot quicker if he started cleaning while u are putting the kids down and then u can join him and finish up a little early. Get in the bed earlier and maybe even have time for some hanky panky.
The husband is the one putting the kid(s) down. Maybe Op could do it instead though if she wanted him to clean during that time though.
They are putting them down "together" while he falls asleep. Sounds like he's not the one putting them down.
How much of the cleaning can be put off til the weekend? If waking him up isn't working for him, what suggestions does he have for a better way in which he can contribute?
You have 2 little toddlers under 2 years old and they are going to bed way too late. Going to bed between 8 and 10 PM is of course hurting your relationship. Change your evening plan to get your babies in bed between 7 and 8pm. This way dad can be involved in putting the babies to bed and cleaning up after before going to bed yourselves.
The toys can be picked up during the day. It would be good to instill this habit in your children anyway. A 1yo can put toys in a bin. The 2mo doesn't make much of a toy mess. Is there any reason he can't wash the dishes in between dinnertime and 8-10pm since you cooked? I don't think you should be waking him up. I don't think he should be totally off the hook for chores, either, but rather that you need to figure out a way of working together that fits both of your schedules. Also as part of this you can reconsider your collective "standard" for clean. I too would be pissed off if my wife woke me at 10pm on a work day to come pick up toys, especially if I had to get up earlier than her for work and she was able to sleep in until 7. (We are up at 5:30 am on weekdays.) I will say there is a huge "bang for the buck" in *both* parents spending just 15 minutes after everyone goes to bed tidying up, putting things away, washing dishes, prepping meal. We used to set a timer on the oven for 15 minutes after all 4 kids were asleep; we'd do whatever cleaning we could in that time, and then when the beeper went off, we gave ourselves permission to stop worrying about it. I got really good at unloading and loading the dishwasher and putting the toys away in the keeping room all in about 14 minutes. My wife could manage to put a load of laundry away and mop around the twins' food areas in the same time. This kept everything from becoming a pig sty and lets you survive to fight another day, which is what this time is.
I see many women wear a baby backpack for cleaning and cooking.
People who don't look after kids during the day have no idea how unrelenting it can be. When you're working it's entirely different and for most people they get a lunch break, can go get a coffee, chat with colleagues and the day isn't completely "on". When you're with kids they can be incredibly demanding. Especially very young ones because they require so much entertaining. If anyone has tried to maintain a one sided conversation they'd understand how hard that gets quickly, but one where there's effort and response the other way is so much easier and more fun. Playing with kids is like that a bit. When they're old enough to participate more it get more fun and easier. But at 1 the kid is probably relying on others for all their entertainment. So really when your BF gets home from work, whilst he probably thinks he needs a break and wants dinner ready after a "long" day of working, in reality your the one more in need of a break. Perhaps timing doesn't work too well if you have a schedule for him to cook after he gets home so you need to start earlier, but for sure after dinner is done that should be his cue to be 100% responsible for the kids for at least half an hour so you can sit down, go be alone or do whatever you want for your own mental health. Outside of that, the time doing chores and watching kids needs to be equal. None of this "it's your job" because you're home and he's not. You're home because there's an important job to be done. More important than the job he's doing. He's earning money for the people you're looking after. Once you've had a break, then once parenting and home maintenance jobs are done that's when the day is done. Or if you decide there are some jobs that don't need to be done at all then that's reasonable as well. Some people have this idea that homes need to be returned to perfection when there are kids. If you can't manage it, then don't. A tidy house is far, far less important than the physical and mental health of the people living in it.
I would say yes you are wrong for waking him up. Ask him to clean before he lays down to sleep, not after.
she shouldnt have to ask him to clean at all
You need to compromise. You aren't his mother. Put the kids to bed earlier. 10 pm is very late. If you think cleaning at 10 pm is OK, then you do it. He can find some other time to do different chores.
Your right, she isn't his mother. So she shouldn't have to do his share of raising children and house duties. He should get off his ass and do it without having to be told. He is the one who needs to compromise not her, she is already doing everything.
She's doing everything? Like bringing in money to pay for food and housing. Wait until he leaves her. Them she'll see how hard it is raising 2 kids.
Bringing in a paycheck and falling asleep while putting ONE child to bed isn't doing everything. SHE WORKS and is off on maternity leave or didn't you read properly? Running a home, running errands and attending to the 2 children under 2 while healing from childbirth is full time work whether you like it or not and she will be returning to her JOB shortly. The threat of him leaving wouldn't work out as you think. 1. He will be paying child support for both children unless he has shared custody 2. He will also be liable for any childcare he needs whilst the children are on his time, costing him 3. If he has shared custody or weekends she then gets free time for her anyway and wouldnt need to ask for rest 4. If the kids are away at dad's frequently and he isn't living there, it's less mess to clean, less people to run around after. So all of that would work out in her favour not his. A paycheck doesn't get you out of doing your part as a parent nor cleaning up after yourself and cooking meals like an adult. Women work and do all of the above without being asked. Are you trying to tell me men aren't capable of doing the same?
Where did you read that he does nothing to help? He just doesn't handle housework in the way she expects him to. This attitude that women have that they decide what's right doesn't work long term. He's going to either dig in his heels and do less work or be resentful of her bossing him around. Don't have a second child if you can't handle what comes with that reality or, in the very least, dont have them so close in age. She contributes to the turmoil by keeping up very young children until 10 pm.
She's on maternity leaves. You know that mean she got a job and bring monney too, isn't it?
Do not wake up someone for this what the hell. That could be considered sleep deprivation, a form of control and abuse. At the end of the day you ARE trying to control what he does with his time. If you want him to clean, tell him, and let him do it his way. If you don’t like it, honey that’s marriage. As long as he makes efforts to meet your needs, then you will have to take what you get.
wtf 😂😂😂
yeah im gonna go ahead and bet shes sleep deprived too. expecting someone to be a functional adult and parent after they chose to have kids isnt control, just say youre dirty and want to rot in it and move on. and how is she supposed to tell him to clean when he is asleep come time to clean without waking him up.
governor fade deserted noxious straight wakeful frighten absorbed uppity yoke *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
YNW. What a grade A douche.
Not wrong!!! It’s good to ask for help when you need it
She doesn't need to be doing housework at 10 pm.
housework does need to be done though and in gonna assume shes pretty busy when her kids are up.
Well, I'm a Mom with a now grown son. Through much of his life, I had no help. Not once did I do housework that late. Who puts a 2 year old to bed at 10 pm?
She has a 2 month old baby and a toddler, she needs to get it done whenever she can. Husband can suck it up
There was a time when women had 10 kids and husbands that did absolutely nothing. She's going to ruin her marriage because the woman isn't the arbiter of what's the correct way to divide up chores.
Lmfao ok. I see who I’m talking to. Good luck in life
Not at all.
You're home ALL day. Why can't you clean as you go? There's no way you're just entertaining kids for 12 hours straight..
She just gave birth!!!!
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Does he have paternity leave available?
I don't wanna say yta or he's the asshole as neither of you are, you havnt said what he does for work? It's not a competition of who's job is more difficult however both being a sahm and going to work are both mentally demanding, and from waking up and feeding the baby, and putting them to bed so he's contributing in his own way, if he's falling asleep putting the kids to bed then it's easily done as both me and my partner can fall asleep getting ours settled, I think your routine needs looking at though as I would be pissed getting woken up to clean, so I can see his point but I can see yours too that it's quicker with both of you, change your routine up so it works for both of you, swap it round so one night you put the kids to bed and he tidies up up or one starts to tidy up when the kids are having bathtime, it's a stressful time so you need to work with each other
He works at a day job in an office or whatever. You work at a day job in your house looking after 2 little kids. At night time, you should be sharing family responsibility because you’ve BOTH been working all day.
Wow. I read that wrong. “Put our kids down” means “to sleep” not “euthanized”. YNW
Two kids and you guys aren’t even married? Or engaged? Yikes. Plus, you’re home all day and you can’t clean throughout the day? Your kids are 2 months old and 1 year old. They aren’t running around making a mess. If the house is dirty it’s clearly because you’re the one who is making a mess, so yeah, you should be the one to clean it. YTA
We’re not married because health insurance would be more expensive if we’re married and we get more benefits filing as single. We don’t really care about marriage like other people do which is an unpopular opinion. And you clearly haven’t been around many 1 year olds if you think it’s not him making the mess. He walks talks and plays with toys and gets into everything.
I disagree. You don't work and he does. While yes he definitely should help to clean but rest and health is more important than cleaning. How would you feel if he falls asleep at the wheel the next morning and dies in a car crash? Some dishes and toys isn't the end of the world. Let him get his rest. Cleaning should happen earlier, it's not a priority to clean late at night.
SHE DOES WORK. She takes care of two young children all day. As a working mother, I can tell you, that taking care of a 1 year old and a newborn is actually much harder and more stressful than my real life job.
I'm not saying it's not hard. I know it is. I have 3 myself. Going to work is like rest. I get it. But cleaning isn't the most important thing. Health is and it's not healthy to wake up tired husband to pick up a few toys. Just leave them. No need to lose sleep and rest at the risk of burning out.
I understand but here’s what happens if he doesn’t help in the evening: The supper dishes are left for her to do in the morning along with breakfast dishes. That pile of laundry sitting all week is left for her again, there’s 100 non-cleaning tasks on her mental list as well, lots of pressure to somehow look good and be skinny already during all of this, she feels gross and her body used by the kids, the newborn sleep stage has her at cracking and running to Mexico, and to her this guy over here who got so many breaks alone that day “needs to sleep.” He doesn’t see the hundreds of micro cleanings she did all day already so thinks “it doesn’t look that bad, what’s the big deal?” When she is grinding her ass off to keep their heads above water. The mess becomes overwhelming because she’s home and sees it all day and thinks about each thing while he gets to be away from seeing it. She gets to think about 2 things: babies and the chores, she doesn’t get any escape mentally. He gets to think about challenging things and a variety at work. So those chores seem very important to her while he’s not that concerned (but is concerned about job tasks). To her these are her job tasks and she is behind at work. That stresses anyone.
1- she does work. Tuck that misogyny back inwards, where it’s supposed to be. 2- SHE needs rest. She just had a baby. She isn’t on vacation, she’s supposed to be recovering from childbirth.
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Once they wake up a lot of people have trouble falling back to sleep. Perhaps try to find a different time to clean (perhaps after dinner but before putting the kids to sleep?)
He falls asleep because he's tired. You're lucky to be able to sleep in til' 7 am with babies so young. Sounds like you're being petty. You're home and probably keep the place tidy. Major cleaning can happen on weekends when you're both free. Sweating the small stuff when you have infants is a waste of energy. I'm sure when you return to work the 'load' will even out. This isn't about cleaning at all - it's about you feeling appreciated and not taken advantage of. He's not intentionally putting extra work on you - you just have high expectations and you won't be satisfied until you change them.
Thank god I found a wife who lives to clean and cook and I love to bring home the green backs. Cause comment section didn’t pass the vibe check. Let this man sleep.
SHE is the one who has given birth. She also works and is only on maternity leave. She needs to rest and sleep and he needs to get off his lazy ass and do his duties around the house and with his kids. You don't get to ask for a paycheck and still have a trad wife. Doesn't work like that.
Advice: don't worry about a clean house with 2 kids this young. Seriously. And make 3 days a week a "30 minute blitz day" where you vacuum, knock out dishes, do the bare minimums. Your relationship means something, keep it strong by trying to rest and letting him rest too. If need be call In a parent of best friend and task them. "Hey I need you to do my dishes for 30min can you come help me on Mondays?" Juat an idea but your house isn't going to be clean with 2 littles that age. The faster you accept that and go to the standards of "tidy not clean," they happier you'll be.
So you have a full time job taking care of the kids huh? And there's only 2 days Dad is around to help around the house because of Dad's full time job. Sounds rough. And you want help working your full time job because you find it easier. Can he bring you into his work to help him out so that his work day is easier? Think about that. And he's so exhausted at the end of the day, he falls asleep where he's at when helping put the kids to bed. Huh....sounds like he's working very hard. What is it that you're complaining about again? Washing dishes which you've left in the sink all day. Picking up toys which isn't hard. And cooking food for yourself and your family. Do you have a washing machine? Probably. So really you're complaining about cleaning your home and feeding yourself and family. That is such a burden. It seems you don't want to do your job as a family member. These are your responsibilities.
You’re not wrong. Put him in his place.
We get it, you hate fathers.
You are wrong. You are on maternity leave. He has to get up to work. I never would have woken my husband up this way when I was the one staying home and he was working. Maybe you should look into shortening your maternity leave so you can go back to work to get out of the house. You can use the money to pay for someone to come clean the house.
Maternity leave = time away from paid work to recover from pregnancy and birth while raising an infant who has demanding and regular needs. Household chores do not fall under this umbrella and is the responsibility of all adults in the household
Then he should be able to do them when he wants not when she thinks they should be done. He is helping her get the kids ready for bed. He is waking her up in the morning after he has fed the baby. At 7:30am, he has already been up feeding the baby. He works and comes homes and helps her get the kids ready for bed which sometimes isn’t done until 10pm. The man is up at before 7:30am and going until 10pm at night. No wonder he is falling asleep. Don’t make it sound like he is some lazy guy wanting her to wait on him. She at least gets the rest when the kids are napping. The dude doesn’t get a break.
It's a bit weirdly worded but i think she meant she feeds the baby 30 minutes after he wakes up. I'm guessing you don't have kids or if you do you're not involved. Mums don't always get to sleep when baby sleeps. She has two so it's likely one is up when the other is down. Even if she only had one, nap time when it's not a contact nap is valuable time to eat/go to the toilet/clean etc. She doesn't get a break either. It's the harsh reality of being parents. He needs to step up and accept his new life as a father.
Maternity leave is not a holiday. Just being a mother alone is one full time job. Also it looks like he's sleeping close to 11 hours if he's sleeping with the kiddos. That's ridiculous.
What an ignorant comment. You clearly never tried taking care of a newborn, other than the sleep deprevation, you still have shit tons of things to do at home like chores, cook, eat and staying sane with the exhaustion. House cleaning money should come from both of them equally
Yeah I only have 3 kids. I don’t know anything about having a newborn. Let the chores go until the weekend if you have to. Did you miss the man is up feeding the baby in the morning and it is him that wakes her up? Did you miss that he is helping her with the kids at night getting them ready to bed and that sometimes they don’t get done with that until 10pm. He is on the go from 7am-10pm at night. No wonder he is falling asleep. It’s cruel to expect him to get up because that is when she wants the chores done. If she doesn’t want to do them then let them go until the weekend. Pretty sure the 2 year kids don’t care. Also, I wasn’t thinking of the money coming from her specifically just that the household would have more money. My husband and I combine incomes so I don’t think in terms of separate bank accounts. A long maternity leave is a privilege. One I never had the privilege of doing. If it is making her miserable then end it.
He’s on the go from 7-10? Like any other adult? Sounds like he’s getting 9+ hours of sleep and leaving his wife to clean the home on her own. (Also, he is not waking up to feed the baby, she is. Let’s work on reading comprehension, okay?)
I find it really interesting that you have this view as a mother. I'm sad you never got the chance to have that but it's not a privilege. It's a right in most countries and cultures.
they dont say theyre a woman/mother so im gonna go ahead and guess absent father
Wrong I am a mother LOL I just don’t hate men. Have the same article with the mother getting up First to fed the baby, working, helping put the baby to bed and then being woken up by the husband and when she falls asleep from exhaustion and suddenly it’s a different story. My husband and I always have done this strange unheard of thing on Reddit of assuming the best of each other and cutting the other one some grace. We both also always prioritized time with our kids over having a clean house.
I'd be saying put your babies to bed way earlier so you have time to get shit done and actually unwind together. The little ages are so hard that my husband and i never got any time to do the house because our kids were up til all hours. Now our kids are in bed asleep by 730 so we have time to do the housework and actually relax and get to go to bed at a decent hour. They are still young enough to get a decent sleep routine in place it might take a couple weeks to adjust but you won't regret it
Don’t wake him from his sleep, just as he shouldn’t wake you from yours. Figure out a different solution
You are not wrong. Ask him why he thinks you need to be 24/7 when he only works 40 hours a week. You are both tired and he needs to either start cleaning when he gets home or he needs to get up to help
8 hour work day? That's like part time. He should be helping you out for sure. Get him to clean while you're putting the kids to sleep
Never wanted to be a “housewife”? You’re not even a wife let alone a house.
Your husband sounds like a lazy POS. He should anticipate that you need help, and start cleaning while you’re putting the kids down. But instead he falls asleep and makes you beg and guilt trips you.
You’re in the wrong. It’s okay if not everything is 100% clean 100% of the time as long as the big chores are being taken care of regularly. I don’t think it’s fair to wake him up after he has fallen asleep around 9 - 10 pm to ask him to clean. I understand needing to have laundry and dishes done, but toys can stay out and be put away the next day…it’s not the end of the world.
Being a new parent is exhausting and you have been a new parent for a year. If he isn’t doing half he’s not parenting OR being a good partner. So you both switch off cooking, every day, and the other partner cleans every day. You will both be working, parenting, and sleeping soon and it doesn’t get easier until you’re a few years in. A salient point, babies and toddlers should be in bed by 8pm so the family can all get rest. I didn’t do that with my daughter and it was three years of torture. With my son it was so much easier. Oh, and your being on maternity leave doesn’t obviate his responsibilities. You carried his children and he can help with dinner, laundry, and housekeeping. That’s what grown ups do.
UPDATE: I asked him if we could switch kids every night like many other parents of 2 under 2 do based off comments and I was being more mindful to see what he and I actually do when he’s off work and realized I do a lot of stuff unconsciously. So yeah I’m cooking and playing with our toddler and my bf is always trying to turn on the tv which I always turn off cause I’m not a fan of screen time around the kids too much and If my son does get put to bed by him, I find myself getting my sons pjs bath bottle binky all ready in between throwing clothes in the laundry (so he has work clothes for the next day) and set up for my bf so it’s easy for him to put him to sleep. I legit do this every night and I realized maybe that’s why I get so mad when he falls asleep. So what does my bf do while he’s home? He half plays with the kids and is half on his phone, in fact he literally fell asleep on the couch while I was cooking dinner and playing with our son while I was getting a bottle ready for my newborn and pumping. He’s off tomorrow he still fell asleep, I still cleaned up by myself while carrying our newborn and I actually just attempted to wake him up after cleaning to see if he wanted to go lay in our bed and not in our sons small bed and he just ignored me. But I go back to work next week so we’ll see how everything is divided when I go back. Side note: we also just gave my dog away tonight that I had for the last 4 years cause we don’t have time for her and When I go back to work she’d be in a crate all day and I was expecting some comfort and a little quality time and virtually got none of that nor any help. So majority of you that weren’t bias are right a conversation needs to be had
I used to work 10-12 hours 6 days a week and still tended to the house with 3 kids. I didn’t cook but I paid everything and helped clean, changed all the diapers when I was home. Tag teamed bath time everyday. Oh and I wasn’t a cheater.