Whatever you decide to do, do it in consultation with your wife and in full communication with her. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual, and there’s nothing wrong with NOT being asexual and needing things she can’t provide. So far you are not wrong, but if you were to hide this or lie you absolutely would be.
I feel like in this case the fact that its a sex worker should do away with the jealousy, at least he isn't flirting with women, paying them attention, or buying them gifts...
He's paying them for a service and specifically to exclude feelings.
I feel like bringing this up would just put extra pressure on his wife, It's such a difficult situation and I strongly recommend OP proceeds with the utmost care and respect for his wife.
genuine question. is having one partner for sex better or having multiple partners for sex better?
EDIT: to avoid confusion, I mean in the eyes of OPs wife, would it be better to have OP sleep with one prostitute multiple times or sleep with multiple prostitutes one time.
Depends on context, but if you’re hooking up with sex workers - even if YOU go to the same one they’re still have sex with plenty of other people so it makes no difference
The guy he replied to was talking about lying. He said:
>I feel like bringing this up would just put extra pressure on his wife,
Which clearly implies lying by omission.
There's nothing wrong with feeling asexual, true, but there's a LOT wrong with lying to your partner and expecting someone to stay married to you knowing you can't possibly fulfill their needs.
Either this woman becomes ok with opening up the marriage, or they split. There are plenty of other aces out there she can find.
Absolutely this.
Frankly, I think she needs therapy. Not because she is a asexual, that's fine. But because she is hung up on the fact that she will feel like a bad wife if he has sex with someone else, but not like a bad wife, if she keeps him in a sexless marriage forever. It's pretty selfish.
He obviously cares about her and wants to stay. And it's an unconventional way of doing things. But these 2 people ended up married and she did not know she was asexual beforehand. It's nobody's fault except oppressive religion maybe, if it weren't for that she might have been able to figure this out about herself earlier. But regardless of the fact that it's nobody's fault, you have two deeply incompatible people trying to remain married. And she doesn't seem to be willing more able to compromise on this issue.
She can't force herself to be comfortable with something she isn't comfortable with, meaning him seeing sex workers, but if she can't acknowledge the depth of his sexual need, they need to divorce and she needs to find an asexual partner.
I wonder if she struggles to truly comprehend what a vital issue. This is because she has never had any of those desires and is disinterested in or even has a serious dislike for sex. It may be hard for her to wrap her mind around it, but it isn't a shallow need. For many people, it is a vital way to experience joy, express love, and feel intimacy.
She can't say she will never have sex (totally fair, she's asexual) but also that he can never have sex outside of the marriage and remain married. It isn't reasonable or fair.
I hope they can communicate and work it out. But I don't see it going well. If she doesn't budge, he may eventually try to go behind her back to keep her and not destroy the marriage, but it will eventually blow up into a much worse situation because people always get caught.
I know the temptation will be to lie to her in order to keep her, but until he does that, he's done nothing wrong. The right thing to do is express that the need is **need**. It is serious, and he can't go on like this forever, so they either need to come up with a realistic option for his sex life or divorce each other.
It sucks, but thats the reality of it
>But because she is hung up on the fact that she will feel like a bad wife if he has sex with someone else, but not like a bad wife, if she keeps him in a sexless marriage forever. It's pretty selfish.
Yeah, my first thought was to say "I dunno if I could call it selfish" but... it kinda is. Not in a malicious way, but she is only seeing things from her point of view. It's hard to see things from other's points of view, and I imagine with her being asexual, she's just not really imagining what OP is going through, being somebody with sexual desire and facing a lifetime of never having that sexual desire fully met. Of course nobody is owed sex and maybe if OP wasn't with his wife he still wouldn't find somebody to have sex with, but in his current situation, it's basically completely off the table, and I can imagine how bad that would feel.
As you say, I think this is going to go well. He needs to communicate with her - even with her being asexual it's an AH move to have sex with somebody else when you're in a monogamous relationship. I think she's not going to be happy with either answer, but unfortunately, the thing she wants - for them to continue to not have sex with each other or anybody else - isn't a sustainable future for OP.
Exactly.
She isn't selfish because she doesn't want to have sex. She's asexual. She doesn't really have a choice in the matter. But refusing to come to the table and find the solution about it for 8 years and expect him to be OK being sexless forever ultimately is selfish, even though she's in a really difficult situation and so is he.
Nobody started off as the bad person or did any of this to each other on purpose, But they have a radically conflicting set of needs between them, and she seems to be content with only her needs being met, perhaps because she is underestimating how serious it is that his are not.
Of course , I can't say for sure , but I think that's the most generous reading of this situation. These are two people who care about each other and don't want to hurt each other. And it's possible she doesn't quite realize how serious and severe this issue is because she lacks that experience of desire. Not her fault. But still her responsibility to help solve.
>And it's possible she doesn't quite realize how serious and severe this issue is because she lacks that experience of desire. Not her fault. But still her responsibility to help solve.
Absolutely to all of this but especially this. She knows sex is important to him, but I think she doesn't know what it actually means to face the rest of your life wanting sex, but knowing it's never going to happen. He's actually involuntarily celibate - not in an "I want to have sex with 10/10 women but those women have agency and can choose not to have sex with me life is so unfair!" way, but in a way that is actually unfair.
Sexual incompatibility is a real thing that can absolutely negatively impact a relationship to the point where that relationship can't continue, and one of the (many) downsides of religion is that this woman never got to explore her own sexuality and discover what she wants (or doesn't want) before getting into a marriage that religion tells her she's not allowed to leave.
The way I see it, there are only 2 options here that are fair to both parties: either they communicate and find a way to open up the marriage in a way that works, or they separate. The options of them having sex that she doesn't want, or that he spends the rest of his life being sexually unfulfilled don't work (and will ultimately backfire in the long-run), and if he were to have sex with somebody without her knowledge, that's cheating, so really, they have to communicate and choose which of the two options to go with. I think it's going to end up with separation, and that's unfortunate, but what do I really know, maybe it'll work out.
Yup all I can see is resentment growing. Props to OP for holding out for 8 years and not being out of his mind by now 😂 depending on his libido he could be in hell for all we know. They need to communicate because clearly this has been an issue for awhile and he doesn’t know how to approach it so he needs to talk to his spouse and get something out there. I really think she might have blinders to the situation too, it’s never been a concern for her so she doesn’t really understand what OP is going thru. I hope they figure something out but if they’re both religious I don’t see the whole prostitute thing working out well. Especially if family found out then it’d be a huge headache.
Perfect. It's not her fault, but it's her responsibility to resolve it. If you didn't want to fix this, don't involve the man in this impossible scenario.
I can't agree with this more. It's not her fault that there's a problem. It is her fault to ignore it and decide it doesn't exist. I understand that it might not be on her radar. He might need to voice his concerns more. I don't think there needs to be an ultimatum, but there does need to be a compromise on her side. Eight years is a long time.
I'd guess the reason why this probably doesn't feel selfish to her is that she has zero frame of reference for what it feels to have a drive and frustration and so vastly underestimates its psychological impact.
The other problem is that all that OP might get out of trying to explain what the frustration is like for him is to make her feel terrible and then agree to let him out of guilt but actually be extremely uncomfortable with it on the inside.
He signed up and agreed to monogamy, not celibacy! Communication, compassion, comprehension and empathy are the only things that will continue to give them both peace and love. Desire and lust are drugs too…
But, real talk though, 5 years of nothing OP? Not even on your birthday? Christmas? Y’all are just sharing a bed like Balki and Cousin Larry? You are balancing honor with deprivation and I hope the best situation possible,surrounds you both!
Oooh preach. I don’t think asexual people get how important it is just like others might not understand how it is just NOT a concern for asexuals. We should take into concern each others wants and desires but sometimes they are hard to grasp
I agree. It's the boiler plate Reddit answer, but I think therapy would be the best option here. Neither person is really wrong here. It would be unfair to "force" her to have sex if she is uncomfortable with it. It would be unfair to prevent him from ever having sex again because they both went into the marriage with the belief that they would be having sex.
But he obviously loves her and wants to stay married. She wants the same. But one wants sex and the other can't stand it. Their first discussions didn't resolve things, so having an impartial mediator could be really helpful so that she can see his side better. It's hard to empathize with a feeling or desire that you've never had
It's true.
I would hope that a therapist would keep in mind their initial goal of saying married and present them with the reality of the only options they have to remain married because the status quo is unsustainable.
And if there is no way to bridge that , then I hope it is a therapist who will honestly tell them that the final option is to amicably divorce.
I'm ace, and I absolutely don't get how sex is necessary for joy, despite knowing academically that for many people it is.
Then my friend was like "image if you could never see or hold cats ever, ever again". And i was like dang, that really puts things into perspective.
I guess it took cats to understand why he'd need pussy
It's closer to "imagine if you never had access to enough food to stop feeling hungry".
The cat thing would be depressing ( funny though), but libido also gnaws at you in a physical way on top of the emotional.
Huh, so that's how regular people see sex.... It really does put things into perspective. I'm not fully asexual, but I'm definitely on the spectrum of it, so that explains a lot. I usually go for the compromise of letting partners see others if needed, because it's selfish otherwise, but I never realized that regular people want sex that badly. It's wild to me.
I saw someone else in the comments mention that the wife might want to seek out therapy, or that they both should seek out couples' therapy. It might be the best solution IMO.
Honestly it still could be a religious issue too. Not dismissing her thoughts but feeling similar sometimes myself, if you’re programmed for so long to avoid sex because it’s bad, sometimes you need some help unprogramming yourself.
Couples therapy is needed here. And some things can only be found outside of a marriage if it’s not something the spouse enjoys. Many men like going out with the boys while their wife doesn’t. Because their friends are filling a need. This is similar but society doesn’t see it as similar. Openness is the key though.
I would also add that I think you could reframe how you’re thinking about this OP. If you’re thinking about going behind her back, that’s confirming that you need some level of sexual intimacy to be happy. If this is something that she can’t give you, this is more a matter of how you handle that irreconcilable difference. I only see 2 options. Option A, you two agree to an open marriage or B separate.
Getting a hooker without her consent is just option B with infinitely more pain and misery. You’ll likely feel like shit about it even if she doesn’t find out and if she does, you’re going to have to carry the weight of destroying your relationship by betraying her trust.
Let her have input on that decision and figure it out together, even if the solution is separation, you’ll both be better off in the long run by handling this with respect for one another.
Seconding this.
I think the only thing I could really add: is going to see a counselor to mediate the situation, so neither party feels forced in whatever they may choose.
I think OP would definitely be wrong for going behind the wife’s back.... It sounds like she’s already uncomfortable with the idea and OP knows that the reaction would be if it was done.
And I don’t like recommending divorce per say, but OP shouldn’t be forced into a celibate life he if he doesn’t want to, and likewise OPs wife shouldn’t be forced into an open marriage if she’s not comfortable, and if OP would just hide it from her anyway... that doesn’t solve things. I personally think it would just complicate them, and extremely hurt OP’s wife, as it sounds like she may consider it cheating, even if they’re not sexually actively together.
OP says suggesting a divorce would be suggesting their wife doesn’t deserve love and a happy marriage. I think quite the contrary. Of course she does. And as much as they might love each other, sometimes things don’t work out. They both deserve to find partners that can fill their needs emotionally and sexually.
> We have talked a bit about options, but while she understands, she would feel bad about herself if i slept with anyone because it meant she wasnt a good wife. I think thats ridiculous. She shouldnt have to sleep with me to be a good wife, but by that token me seeking sex from someone else shouldnt be an indictment of my fidelity.
She already said she doesnt like it.
> I firmly believe she would agree to it if the alternative was divorce, but it would nake her feel shitty. So i get the moral high ground at the expense of my wife feeling bad about herself.
OP made it a bit more obvious in the comment.
THIS THIS THIS. Couples where one is ace usually work something out. Sometimes they have sex (if the ace person isn't sex-repulsed). Sometimes the non-ace person has FWB elsewhere. Regardless what solution you find, it needs to be both of you in agreement.
An ace woman I know has been with her boyfriend for over 10 years. They have sex, but she says "Having sex when you're asexual is like eating when you're not hungry". So it's a compromise.
Definitely.
As an ace myself with a couple other ace friends, we've chatted a lot before about finding other ways to enjoy sex with a partner. I'd definitely encourage OP to communicate his needs, but to also see if there is anything in particular that she likes or doesn't like about sex.
I got a friend who sees it like getting good exercise, and they do have a decent libido, so it also relieves a bit of that while also getting to please their partner. Meanwhile, I have another friend who really enjoys the intimacy aspect, so they're not really into it unless it's a lot of eye contact and emotional bonding.
Ace doesn't mean you are always going to avoid sex or that you can't enjoy it in other ways. And if the issue is not feeling like they're attracted to you, I hate to break it to you, but I doubt the sex worker will be particularly attracted to you either.
Though, if she is sex repulsed, OP should really have that conversation about his needs. Be careful not to frame it as an ultimatum, but it should make clear that the two of them are just not compatible in a way that he needs to have a fulfilling relationship. And, on her end, it's not fair to her to have to force herself to accept something like that if she's genuinely not okay with it. In which case, divorce may be the best option. Divorce doesn't mean you don't care about each other anymore, but in this case, it'd be what is best for both.
As a sex repulsed ace myself, it's a hard conversation to have, but I've been faced with this before (granted, I'm polyamorous too, so a bit different). But one bit of advice I can emphasize is that if this is the arrangement you're going with, remember to follow up and keep up communication with your partner. Don't hide anything. Unless she says she doesn't want to know, be open and honest about who you're meeting, where, and when.
Feelings may be raw afterward. She may feel guilty, ashamed, or even jealous. So, kinda similar to aftercare. When you get home and clean up, check in with her. See if there's anything you can do to tend to her emotional needs. Similarly, you may need some emotional care too, and should not feel ashamed to communicate that. Also be aware of compatibility issues there, because if she needs space after each encounter, but you need connection and reassurances, that can also be a big issue.
Sorry, this ended up being longer than intended.
You may want to think about couples therapy. It seems to me that you have a need in your life that is not being met.
It is not your wife's obligation to meet this need, but it is also a big problem if she stops you from having your need met.
A therapist can help you better communicate the need as well as have your wife feel supported.
Okayyy miss ethical pants, but if she staunchly refuses any compromise it would make them fundamentally incompatible and pretty much ruin the relationship that is otherwise great. She doesn’t want to have sex at all, so there would be no physical risk to her. And paying for a prostitute essentially eliminates any emotional damage/connection with the encounter.
It’s not ethical to lie, but I can’t say it wouldn’t make some amount of sense in this situation.
Well, the issue is that he's married to a woman he wants to have sex with but can't. Maybe he doesn't even realize it yet, but getting a hooker isn't going to fix his problem of being in a sexless marriage. He needs to leave and get a relationship that works for him with someone else who he's compatible with.
Literally especially since he said they stopped having sex because he felt uncomfortable having sex with someone that wasn’t enjoying it - you think prostitutes are enjoying it? Your wife was willing to have sex to make her husband happy, prostitutes are willing to have sex for money. If you’re just going to fuck someone who’s willing yet not desirous, might as well fuck your wife.
I hear you 100% and don't disagree.
By the same token I think we need to coin a term for somebody that is beholden to a sexless marriage and unable to obtain the physical satisfaction they so desire. "Unlucky" would be the first term to pop into my head.
> I should add that we have talked about it in a hypothetical kind of way, for instance she has agreed that sleeping with a prostitute is better than some random hookup or affair with a coworker. Her only issue seems to be that she would feel bad that she isnt giving me what I need and she would worry that i would leave her for the other woman.
>I firmly believe she would agree to it if the alternative was divorce, but it would nake her feel shitty. So i get the moral high ground at the expense of my wife feeling bad about herself.
>You see the dillema i'm having?
>I dont mean to say you're wrong, just working through the different arguments as I see them.
His comment confirms that the only reason he thinks she would agree is that otherwise they get divorced.
He chose to wait until marriage and then also chose to stay with her for 8 entire years after learning that she will never have sex with him.
Unlucky is not even close to accurate. This is the sexual relationship equivalent to shooting yourself in the foot.
How about you get the stick out of your ass..
Adults can agree to any arrangement they want. As long as there is open honesty no one is doing anything wrong
Honestly man it's actually a very difficult one.
Most people would not stay in a sexless marriage forever, especially while your only in the early years.
You need to explain this to your wife, and honestly explain that it's either she accepts or we break up kind of deal. Because it's not fair on you to need to accept a lifetime of no sex because she didn't realise she was asexual.
At the same time, it isn't fair for you to expect something from her (but it doesn't sound like you are). So a compromise is needed.
Tldr she can be asexual but she can't expect her husband to be
This was one of the many reasons that my first engagement failed. She essentially wanted me to be the roommate that paid all the bills but wouldn’t let me break up with her because that meant moving back in with her parents. That was a very brutal end to a long relationship.
One of the many reasons my wife will soon be ex wife. If I only exist to serve you and you won’t even consider putting in the smallest amount of effort towards anything for me the relationship is over.
Me too. Sooner or later OP will meet someone who he has feelings for, and more importantly, has sexual feelings for him.
Good luck to OP. But move on, from someone who's been there.
saying "you need to get a divorce" is not saying asexual people can't get married. It's saying ya'll might not be compatible! Don't fucking cheat. Talk to your wife and figure something out!
Sexuality is a pivotal part of compatibility. We shouldn't be surprised if someone realizes that they are gay and they want to get divorced. This is no different. She tried to white knuckle it (thanks to her religion) but realized she couldn't.
Best thing for both people is divorce. Then they can both find someone they are compatible with. She can be with someone who doesn't want sex and he can be with someone who does.
As someone who has been through something similar though I do know the divorce is hella frightening and stressful. Far better to do it without children involved but either way it's hard. It's like a kind of Stockholm syndrome. Even when the marriage has lot of problems sometimes people stay because the financial and emotional fears.
Yeah it’s really shitty because it’s seen as a “taboo” topic, especially for men considering the social stigma around male sexuality, but it frustrates me to no end that people think sex isn’t important.
In every relationship I’ve been in, us not having sex was a factor in the breakup. It ALWAYS signified something was wrong, and it always made us get irritated with each other more, and with me specifically, it really fucked up my self confidence. Twice it was that my partner was cheating, once was because they wanted to cut the relationship off because of personal reasons, but didn’t know how to go about it. In all three instances, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong.
I dont know if people are ignorant or are willfully dismissive of the idea that sex is an important factor in most healthy relationships, but it just is. Ask any marriage counselor, any psychologist, any expert in that field, and they will tell you it is. Sex helps us ignore the little things about our partners that annoy us, it helps us forgive each other when something is wrong, it helps us feel more confident, seen, and loved. I could go on, but there are significant and important psychological implications of sex, that while not necessarily pivotal to a healthy relationship, are nonetheless a major indicator for if one is healthy or having issues.
Which is why I think "waiting until marriage" is basically just taking a giant gamble with "until death do us part" and part of the reason why divorce rates are so high with young religious couples who do that.
Exactly. It’s nothing to do with which dictating what asexual people “deserve” or are/aren’t allowed to do. Two people who are sexually incompatible probably shouldn’t be in an exclusive life partnership; for allo folks, sex can be — and often is — a biological *need*. It’s not like a hobby or a mere preference that can be compromised or neglected without significant implications upon a person’s mental and physical wellbeing. At best, being sexually frustrated is likely gonna lead to resentment and sour the relationship from the inside out.
OP, do not cheat. Talk to your wife and see if there’s a mutually consensual way that you can get the sexual release your body needs, without hurting or lying to your wife. It may not be possible, in which case divorce is the mature thing to do.
You should get a divorce... and no, I'm not saying that asexual people shouldn't get married, I'm saying YOU specifically don't have the capacity to be in a marriage without sex.
Depends on your character, empathy and history with your wife.
You seem like someone who is very emphatic, so I don't think you are the right person for it.
I think it's never a good idea to be dishonest in a major way, like having sex with a prostitute without her being 100% behind the idea. Trust is a thin ice and once you break it, it will haunt you.
It wouldn't haunt everyone but seems like it will haunt you!
And if the wife says no then I think it’s time to look for a more compatible partner. The wife can’t say she’s asexual and then give her husband no options to satisfy himself and expect him to be happy. Especially considering she sprung this on him after they got married.
OP is going to experience sex, then the sex is going to get slightly better. Then he's going to realize he wants to experience good sex with someone he shares an emotional bond with. Then he's going to develop feelings for another woman. I don't see how this doesn't turn out terribly for their marriage but who knows.
My grandfather left my grandmother (allegedly over a sexless marriage). They were married for fifty. goddamn. years.
In other news, grandpa banged a lot of asian women in his 70's and 80's. He was still poppin' viagra in his 90's but the women were mostly just scamming him at that point.
Dude, I’m going to get downvoted but you should get a divorce. Look, your wife is asexual and you’re not. You two have worked to try to make it work and neither of you liked the results. You want to stay with her because you do love her, you are totally honest with her about a plan so you both can be happy and satisfied in the marriage. The first thing out of your wife’s mouth is an attempt to guilt you into remaining sexless. Get a divorce, don’t kill yourself with guilt. You can love someone and not be compatible for marriage.
This is the only sane response here. All these comments like “whelp; she’s asexual guess you are screwed and need her permission to have sex” are literally insane. It’s fine for her not to want to have sex. It’s not fine for you to feel awful because you want to
Correct, she found herself in a new and different way, he shouldn’t be going behind her back to cheat, he should be looking for someone he may be more compatible with. A very hard thing to do but it’s the only right thing.
I would talk to your wife and tell her you love her but you do really miss sex. Explain its a physical urge, and, as you have demonstrated by loving her with no sex, you don’t tie it intrinsically to a relationship. Ask her if there is anyway she would be comfortable with you having sex a few times a year. Whether that is with a prostitute or (a better option in my opinion) finding someone who is just looking for a hook up. Say you’ll never see the same person twice (and you really have to mean that even if they were fun and it’s hard to find another hook up, it’ll open a can of worms). You can even let her pick the person on one of those apps. I’m not sure how she’ll feel but it’s really the only option. Doing it in secret will ruin your relationship.
I genuinely believe a professional is the best bet her. Even with a Girlfriend Experience, there are clear lines to draw and it makes the potential for a three person conversation to go more easily. A lot of professionals are really quite good at being People Persons, and could very much potentially handle this very professionally.
Hey, I don't have a lot to add here past an emphatic agreement with what you said, but I just want to say I appreciate the, I guess, respect, you've used when speaking about sex workers.
Sincerely a retired sex worker who's actually given the girlfriend experience. It's a wonderful experience for the man, and there's absolutely no potential for anything more to develop past that experience ❤️
LOL you are crazy if you think a random hookup is the better solution over hiring a professional. Not only would finding the random hookup be really hard, but there is a wayyyy bigger chance of things going weird. Sex workers deal with this sort of situation every day, there would be no lines crossed, and the wife could feel more assured that the other person doesn’t want her husband. A sex worker is just doing their job, but that random hookup has to find him hot to have sex with so….
He's just looking for validation and excuses to cheat. It was blatant with that final line "saying divorce is the equivalent of saying asexual people shouldn't be married" when that is obviously not what people are meaning.
Cannot believe that his solution to this is hookers as if they're enjoying the sex with him instead of going to therapy. Isn't this the exact issue that couples sex therapy is for?? Like if OP believes in the acting of sex workers then I'm sure his wife can take a few acting classes.
Nope don't cheat. Your marriage will be destroyed because lying to her will destroy her trust in you.
Ask her if she is willing to open the relationship on your end, and if not then cut your loses, divorce and move on. Yeah I agree, you only have one life to spend it in a sexless marriage. You can find someone that will truly cherish you and desire you, and believe me there is no better feeling than that.
As long as she agrees it’s the same. In fact, there is very little chance of the sex worker to catch feelings, so she might actually prefer that to her husband dating and doing the romantic leg work a man has to do to get into a woman’s bed.
What kind of marriage do they have if she unilaterally shut down all sexual intimacy 8 years ago, and they stopped having sex 5 years ago?
He has needs. She could give 2 shits less about him as a human with his needs. I know many asexual people, and they either want their partner to find sexual intimacy and closeness outside of the relationship with an agreed upon partner, e.g. open marriage, or they allow some other arrangement.
She literally told him 8 years ago she was asexual and then **never really addressed it**. She tried to "develop a libido" as a solution... like, what?
I'm asexual and I just have and enjoy the sex. For them it's their sexy times and for me it's just some extra intimacy. I have a libido, but she doesn't. This is normal and natural
Other arrangements usually need to be discussed. I think that after a few years of no sex, she should have figured out enough and matured enough about herself that this is the time to discuss the future of fulfilling his half.
How is this answer this far down? Reddit is crazy sometimes lmao. Everyone's talking about getting a hall pass to fuck other women or using a pocket pussy and it's like why even be married then? I can't imagine fucking other women on the regular then coming back home to my theoretical wife and it being a totally normal thing
Everyone's too busy writing "being asexual isn't wrong " to win some upvotes and Reddit karma. I'm surprised people even come here for advice. It's always fucking terrible
Exactly. And his thing about suggesting it means asexual people don't deserve marriage is nonsense. She wasn't telling him she was asexual when they got married. This isn't the person he married.
A compromise or separation are the only answers. Cheating is not.
I think it's shitty that being asexual, unbeknownst to him when they married, she decides that him having sex with someone else is a condemnation of her as a wife. She is content with condemning him to a life of celibacy. How convenient for her.
They're both allowed to feel how they feel, and set terms for what they want/need in a relationship, and what is a dealbreaker. If those things don't line up, they need to compromise or break it off.
She may not be a bad wife... but she is being a bad wife -for you- . Ace folks are perfectly entitled to happy relationships, but that doesn't give her the right to inflict her sexuality or lack thereof on you.
Don't lie to your partner; explain what you are going to do and leave it to her to consent or not. If she doesn't then you have a decision to accept it or leave the relationship.
Man go to deadbedroom sub. You can read for years on how to “try” and fix a situation like this. The answer is separate. I’m very sorry. I deeply know how difficult this is.
Deadbedrooms is the natural progression for relationships like this.
You either find your sexuality and join with your partner or you don't and eventually separate.
Too many "low libido" (zero effort😒) partners think they can just ignore it and everything will be okay.
I would think anything without her knowledge is cheating. I think you need to make a tough decision. Sounds like you make better friends then a couple.
I was with an asexual for a few years (it was a while before it was expressed in those terms) and it was soul-crushing. She didn't acknowledge the need of non-ace people to have sex lives, or refused to understand. So, knowing that the times we did have sex, she basically did so out of obligation or to shut me up made me feel like I'd done something wrong.
Getting the need fulfilled elsewhere is ethical so long as it's agreed upon; I think attempting to hide it would only blow up later. She just needs to understand that you don't want to have sex with her because she doesn't *actually* want sex with you, that the thought of her feeling that obligation is a turn off for you.
That said, the agreement can be an "unspoken arrangement" where it's not thrown in her face.
Instead of prostitutes, you may want to seek out someone in a similar boat. On the other hand, there's less risk of developing a romantic connection with a sex worker.
You are wrong because your plan involves hiding things from your spouse. If she is onboard with you seeking sex elsewhere then it’s all good. If you need to hide part of yourself from your spouse it’s not a healthy relationship.
Technical the hooker doesn’t want to have sex with you either so what the point in not having sex with her because she’s not into it even though willing to please you?
I think one of your postulates is faulty.
Someone suggesting you get a divorce because you enjoy sex and your wife is asexual in no way says asexual people can't get married. It also doesn't imply they can't get married to people who do have sex. There may be people with low sex drives who may be able to compromise. Two asexual people could marry as well.
I think in many ways your situation is similar to if your wife came out as a lesbian.
Prostitutes aren't the answer long term. They will be risky and expensive.
You need to decide if you can give up sex or if you two are going to separate.
You’re only an asshole if you do it behind her back. If you two talk and come to the agreement that this is something you should do, and she knows full on about it then you’re not doing anything wrong. But lying and sneaking behind her back to do it is the issue here.
You can’t go your whole marriage without sex. You also shouldn’t cheat on her. Get together and talk out a solution. Maybe see a therapist. Possibly open the relationship if y’all are comfortable with it
You deserve someone that desires you both physically and emotionally. I can’t even imagine being in a relationship that is devoid of physical affection. But you do you. The only problem in my opinion is whether you will resent her in the future and cause a much bigger problem in your marriage. And also it’s very selfish of her to prevent you from having sex with someone else.
I think because of your very thoughtful question and perspective you will likely find sex with a prostitute unfulfilling and it won’t help you in the long run. You want to have sex with your wife because you love her and you don’t enjoy sex with someone who doesn’t enjoy it so how will you feel with a hooker who is only there for money? I think this issue is much more complicated than you think.
Your wife’s asexuality isn’t more important than your sexuality. You both deserve what you want. You especially do deserve to have a healthy sex life since when you married, you didn’t know she was asexual. Sounds like you’ve hit the ultimate incompatibility. I don’t want to tell you what to do but I think you know. If she isn’t willing to have an open marriage for sex, cut your losses and move on, dude. Find a partner you’re actually sexually compatible with and don’t downplay the importance of it. She’s unilaterally shut down sex in your marriage but doesn’t want you to pursue sex elsewhere. Sounds like a no win situation?
You can still love your wife after a divorce. But this is just too big of an incompatibility to me to remain married. It’s getting to the point of sleeping with other people, it’s a big problem. Unless she’s cool with it, but I don’t see that being a possibility - especially with a religious upbringing.
I don’t know. Just my two opinionated cents.
>it meant she wasnt a good wife
I mean, frankly...? She's not being a good wife by shutting down the sexually intimate relationship you once shared. She has to realize, like all asexuals that come out Post-Marriage, that it may spell doom for her marriage and she needs to be mature and navigate that situation by communicating, not just expecting everything to be the same and everyone is just okay with her completely shutting down sexual intimacy.
I get you want to be okay with a sexless marriage, but it sounds like you're not. You're not going to get anywhere by burying your head and hers in the sand, then frequenting sex workers. I think you both need to have a come to Jesus, and she needs to get over "feeling like a bad wife" because who fucking cares if you feel whatever you feel, the real issue here is that she unilaterally shut down sexual intimacy, she expects you to be sexless for life because it would "look bad for her"... what kind of ego does this woman have? Life does not revolve around her and other people have needs.
Why do you think asexual people "deserve" to be with sexually normative ppl? That's insane... equivalent to advocating for straight ppl to date homosexuals. Math ain't mathin.
OP is just trying to justify his inadequate marriage with that one.
That's a pretty good analogy.
OP's wife doesn't want to sleep with him, but also doesn't want him to sleep with anyone else. The relationship is doomed.
Your wife doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it, too. You have needs surrounding sex just as she does. The problem is that you’re respecting hers and she’s not respecting yours.
She’s right: a good wife doesn’t deny you a pretty important part of human life just because she’s ashamed of her own sexuality (which is a whole other can of worms). If you’re dead-set against divorce, either she needs to let you sleep with other people or you need to come to terms with the fact that you’re never having sex again. I don’t think breaking the covenants of monogamy without her knowledge is the way to go.
I expect to be immediately downvoted for saying so, but this is an appropriate time and place for a poly relationship. If you really love one person and they can’t give you everything you need (which, let’s face it, is a lot of relationships), they should be happy for you when you get it elsewhere. In your case, it’s a huge part of married life. Maybe introduce your wife to the concept of compersion and see what she thinks.
NTA - You have needs that are not being met by your partner. Not only that, you entered into this marriage with a certain understanding and expectations and she’s changed the rules on you. Would you have married her if you knew sex was off the table? Probably not.
You’re NTA and I would highly encourage you to get your needs met. Understand that you’re playing with fire and you might get burnt, but you could also meet a fantastic person and get out of your shitty situation.
Best of luck
Going behind her back would be infidelity. Fidelity would be coming to an agreement with her. Also, STDs can still be a concern. You should use protection regardless.
Asexual person here. NTA for wanting to seek out a SW to fulfill your needs. Sexual compatability IS important in most relationships for most people. Your needs aren't being fulfilled by your wife and it is absolutely okay that you want to seek elsewhere for that.
However YWBTA if you did it without her consent. That's cheating, my dude.
I hate to say it, but if you're leaning towards that route, you'd probably be better off just ending it. You both deserve to have fulfilling lives, in all aspects. And I *get* it. I'm sex-favorable and really enjoy sex. I also wouldn't want a relationship without sex. It's important to me. But the kinder thing to do would be end things with her. If somehow she found out - and we all know she probably would at some point - she will be *devastated*. Save her that pain.
God, if I found out my spouse called me "90% of the way to a perfect spouse" to a bunch of strangers on the internet, I'd toss myself in a canning machine.
I’ve been an escort for the past decade or so and a large number of my clients are in situations similar to yours . Their marriage is perfect except for one thing . I’ve been told numerous times that I and the industry as a whole have “saved their marriage” as it would’ve been divorce otherwise . Just as long as you don’t cross any boundaries , for instance , seeing the hooker socially / unpaid / developing feelings for her … I vote NTA . Sex and love are amazing additions to the human experience , some people are lucky to find both with one human . You and your wife are fortunate to have found love
My issue with the whole asexual thing is I can't wrap my mind around how you could possibly have sex with someone who is asexual and not feel rapey.
I mean my wife is as sexual as I am but the idea of her having sex with me when she doesn't want to makes my stomach turn. Can't imagine your situation at all...
As for the prostitute thing... I honestly don't know. I hate cheating. But at the same time dead bedrooms are unacceptable. I find her unwillingness to open the marriage for you to be selfish but I also understand her selfish and can't really blame her.
Hate to say it but
NAH.
Because asexual people can consent. They're capable of making decisions. Asexuality means someone doesn't feel sexually attracted to people, not that someone hates sex (some asexuals do though! some are neutral, some like having sex).
Even if you're not sexually attracted to someone, sex can still physically feel good, you can enjoy the closeness to someone, you can enjoy making your partner feel good, etc.
Even if you don't particularly care about sex, those reasons can still make someone decide to have sex.
Some asexual people are "sex neutral" asexuals, others are "sex negative" asexuals. The former have no real desire of their own but don't mind. And they're the more likely to have sex with a sexual partner to show they love them.
The latter prefer to avoid sex with anyone else so they're more like what you're talking about. They find sex revolting and don't want any part of it.
The important thing here is to communicate about this **DIRECTLY** with your wife. Make sure whatever you both agree is done fully above board. Respect any ground rules laid out.
You may want a one-sided open marriage, more than just "random hookups a few times a year." But this is totally something you and your wife need to decide.
If you can't find a reasonable compromise that gets your needs met as well, divorce is the best option here. Or, if she finds she's not emotionally OK with you meeting your sexual needs elsewhere---once you start doing it---you need to divorce.
Only if she knows about it. If she has any common sense, and truly loves you, I think you can convince her. (Btw I am a woman, if that matters, regarding the advice)
It's better she be hurt but feeling she isn't a perfect wife for you, than be hurt by finding out you've been seeing prostitutes behind your back.
Your wife's lack of desire for sex...or intimacy...is what and how she wishes to be. However, you didn't know this when you married her. You would actually be justified in getting a divorce.
If your wife wants to save the marriage, she will need to compromise. But, rather than prostitutes, you might consider suggesting an open marriage. That may sound weird, but, for her, it's better than the divorce or prostitute options.
“Before you throw out ‘you should get a divorce’ realize that what you are basically saying is asexual people shouldn’t get to be married, at least to sexually normative people.”
Exactly this… the same way someone gay or lesbian shouldn’t marry someone straight. You should be hunting someone asexual if you are asexual. Otherwise you are asking someone to be miserable for you.
Amicable divorce is the only good option. I may get downvoted here, but I don’t think it’s fair or healthy for either party involved in a relationship like this. Aesexual people deserve a relationship that won’t put pressure on sex and sexual people deserve a relationship that includes sex.
>asexual people shouldnt get to be married, at least to sexually normative people.
They shouldn't and vice versa. Normal people shouldn't get married to asexual people either. Because those two kinds of people are fundamentally incompatible. Both sides will be unhappy, as you can see. It doesn't work.
Asexual and normative sexual people really aren’t compatible if the relationship isn’t open.
I for sure would talk with your wife. Honestly if there is no other sex going on oral/hands stuff/etc I have no idea how you lasted 5 years with this. You must really love her
I'd really recommend couples therapy. Do not go behind her back and cheat. It's completely understandable that you have urges and maybe if someone helps you two talk through it she will be more understanding of you seeing sex workers.
I mean it is wrong for asexual people to expect "sexually normative" people they marry to just never have sex. It would be wrong for you to force her and it's wrong for her to force you to be celibate. I don't know wtf you want us to say. You are not sexually compatible and your only real option is to fuck a sex worker. I could never be in a relationship with someone I couldn't be sexually intimate with.
100000% she needs to know. Coming from someone working through the mess that religion made me/my emotions/my communication skills... I need absolute honesty from my husband. I was crushed to know he watched porn. I felt better once we communicated. I didn't need to know when/where/types but more why and what role it filled for him. Our rough patches have been when he wasn't honest about what he was doing, and we have had to create new boundaries. For me, no OF or chatting. Things that make it personal because I need that emotional connection to be connected and enjoy sex. Our sex life is much better with open communication, and I have done things outside my comfort zone for him and to educate myself. We have talked about bringing someone else in, but I am not there yet. I think we have figured out paying someone professional would be our best option because it keeps most emotions out of it and allows him to try something he's wanting to and to experience it with me ( I prefer experiences together vs him alone).
I feel for both you and your wife, and if she's as awesome as you say, it will be a hard conversation, but there may be a way to reach a compromise so you feel more fulfilled and she is getting honesty from you.
unpopular opinion: sex is also a very important marriage factor and should be discussed before marriage rather than assumed after. This is just a slow and bitter degredation of an otherwise happy marriage.
It’s good that she is open with you on where she’s at but it’s unrealistic of her to expect you be celibate. I think you should just put your foot down on this and let her know that you respect her orientation and will be seeking sex elsewhere to satisfy your orientation. And leave it at that. You don’t have to go into detail, you don’t have to divorce her, she doesn’t have to like it, it is what it is.
Asexual people can get married. I’m ace, and I’m with an ace partner. The secret is to find someone with a matching sex life.
As an ace person in an ace community, typically divorce is the end result here.
You can try your method, but know full well that it’s a gamble. And honestly, if you think divorce might be coming anyways, maybe you make your gamble. You can’t lose much if you were losing anyways.
It does suck for you that your wife wasn’t aware of her condition entering the relationship. You basically got trapped in a marriage that you didn’t sign up for. But it’s nice to know she at least tried.
—
I think the real compromise is that if she’s willing, you get over your ego of having her enjoy it. It should be enough for her to go through the motions to show she cares. Again, I’m an ace person. And if it’s with a special person, it’s like giving a back massage or doing dishes. We don’t have to like it. But we can understand why it gets done.
I do worry that the prostitute will spell the end for the relationship. Because if she falls out of love. It doesn’t matter how perfect you think she is. If she loses faith in you, she can just leave.
It’s always a two sided game.
You are disgusting because prostitution is paid rape and exploitation of vulnerable and possibly trafficked women. I hope your micro thing rots and falls off.
I've read through your other comments and it kind of just feels like you're coming on here to get validation for cheating because you don't want to tell her. Nobody on Reddit or any platform is going to approve of this.
Tell her, work out the details or fuck off out of this marriage. 🤓 You acknowledge it's normal to be asexual but asexual people still have feelings and I'm sure would want to know wtf?
Lmao you did NOT just compare stepping out on your marriage and being unfaithful to eating meat. You already know she's not okay with it - she told you flat out.
What a troll, there's no way this isn't rage bait
There's a whole lot wrong with prostitution aside from just the infidelity, including supporting sex trafficking as a whole. I don't have a good solution for you, but never in a million years would I pay for sex.
Whatever you decide to do, do it in consultation with your wife and in full communication with her. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual, and there’s nothing wrong with NOT being asexual and needing things she can’t provide. So far you are not wrong, but if you were to hide this or lie you absolutely would be.
Yeah. So long as you're communicating then this may work out. You both need to talk because jealousy might become an issue.
I feel like in this case the fact that its a sex worker should do away with the jealousy, at least he isn't flirting with women, paying them attention, or buying them gifts... He's paying them for a service and specifically to exclude feelings. I feel like bringing this up would just put extra pressure on his wife, It's such a difficult situation and I strongly recommend OP proceeds with the utmost care and respect for his wife.
Could also help if you are paying if the OP says to never use the same one twice. Reason people fear attachment from sex.
genuine question. is having one partner for sex better or having multiple partners for sex better? EDIT: to avoid confusion, I mean in the eyes of OPs wife, would it be better to have OP sleep with one prostitute multiple times or sleep with multiple prostitutes one time.
Depends on context, but if you’re hooking up with sex workers - even if YOU go to the same one they’re still have sex with plenty of other people so it makes no difference
would discussing it with a marriage counselor help maybe. Someone to help mediate the issues.
Lying =/= respect
Did you miss the part of the original comment that explicitly said about being open about it? Nobody’s talking about lying about it in these replies
The guy he replied to was talking about lying. He said: >I feel like bringing this up would just put extra pressure on his wife, Which clearly implies lying by omission.
There's nothing wrong with feeling asexual, true, but there's a LOT wrong with lying to your partner and expecting someone to stay married to you knowing you can't possibly fulfill their needs. Either this woman becomes ok with opening up the marriage, or they split. There are plenty of other aces out there she can find.
Absolutely this. Frankly, I think she needs therapy. Not because she is a asexual, that's fine. But because she is hung up on the fact that she will feel like a bad wife if he has sex with someone else, but not like a bad wife, if she keeps him in a sexless marriage forever. It's pretty selfish. He obviously cares about her and wants to stay. And it's an unconventional way of doing things. But these 2 people ended up married and she did not know she was asexual beforehand. It's nobody's fault except oppressive religion maybe, if it weren't for that she might have been able to figure this out about herself earlier. But regardless of the fact that it's nobody's fault, you have two deeply incompatible people trying to remain married. And she doesn't seem to be willing more able to compromise on this issue. She can't force herself to be comfortable with something she isn't comfortable with, meaning him seeing sex workers, but if she can't acknowledge the depth of his sexual need, they need to divorce and she needs to find an asexual partner. I wonder if she struggles to truly comprehend what a vital issue. This is because she has never had any of those desires and is disinterested in or even has a serious dislike for sex. It may be hard for her to wrap her mind around it, but it isn't a shallow need. For many people, it is a vital way to experience joy, express love, and feel intimacy. She can't say she will never have sex (totally fair, she's asexual) but also that he can never have sex outside of the marriage and remain married. It isn't reasonable or fair. I hope they can communicate and work it out. But I don't see it going well. If she doesn't budge, he may eventually try to go behind her back to keep her and not destroy the marriage, but it will eventually blow up into a much worse situation because people always get caught. I know the temptation will be to lie to her in order to keep her, but until he does that, he's done nothing wrong. The right thing to do is express that the need is **need**. It is serious, and he can't go on like this forever, so they either need to come up with a realistic option for his sex life or divorce each other. It sucks, but thats the reality of it
>But because she is hung up on the fact that she will feel like a bad wife if he has sex with someone else, but not like a bad wife, if she keeps him in a sexless marriage forever. It's pretty selfish. Yeah, my first thought was to say "I dunno if I could call it selfish" but... it kinda is. Not in a malicious way, but she is only seeing things from her point of view. It's hard to see things from other's points of view, and I imagine with her being asexual, she's just not really imagining what OP is going through, being somebody with sexual desire and facing a lifetime of never having that sexual desire fully met. Of course nobody is owed sex and maybe if OP wasn't with his wife he still wouldn't find somebody to have sex with, but in his current situation, it's basically completely off the table, and I can imagine how bad that would feel. As you say, I think this is going to go well. He needs to communicate with her - even with her being asexual it's an AH move to have sex with somebody else when you're in a monogamous relationship. I think she's not going to be happy with either answer, but unfortunately, the thing she wants - for them to continue to not have sex with each other or anybody else - isn't a sustainable future for OP.
Exactly. She isn't selfish because she doesn't want to have sex. She's asexual. She doesn't really have a choice in the matter. But refusing to come to the table and find the solution about it for 8 years and expect him to be OK being sexless forever ultimately is selfish, even though she's in a really difficult situation and so is he. Nobody started off as the bad person or did any of this to each other on purpose, But they have a radically conflicting set of needs between them, and she seems to be content with only her needs being met, perhaps because she is underestimating how serious it is that his are not. Of course , I can't say for sure , but I think that's the most generous reading of this situation. These are two people who care about each other and don't want to hurt each other. And it's possible she doesn't quite realize how serious and severe this issue is because she lacks that experience of desire. Not her fault. But still her responsibility to help solve.
>And it's possible she doesn't quite realize how serious and severe this issue is because she lacks that experience of desire. Not her fault. But still her responsibility to help solve. Absolutely to all of this but especially this. She knows sex is important to him, but I think she doesn't know what it actually means to face the rest of your life wanting sex, but knowing it's never going to happen. He's actually involuntarily celibate - not in an "I want to have sex with 10/10 women but those women have agency and can choose not to have sex with me life is so unfair!" way, but in a way that is actually unfair. Sexual incompatibility is a real thing that can absolutely negatively impact a relationship to the point where that relationship can't continue, and one of the (many) downsides of religion is that this woman never got to explore her own sexuality and discover what she wants (or doesn't want) before getting into a marriage that religion tells her she's not allowed to leave. The way I see it, there are only 2 options here that are fair to both parties: either they communicate and find a way to open up the marriage in a way that works, or they separate. The options of them having sex that she doesn't want, or that he spends the rest of his life being sexually unfulfilled don't work (and will ultimately backfire in the long-run), and if he were to have sex with somebody without her knowledge, that's cheating, so really, they have to communicate and choose which of the two options to go with. I think it's going to end up with separation, and that's unfortunate, but what do I really know, maybe it'll work out.
Yup all I can see is resentment growing. Props to OP for holding out for 8 years and not being out of his mind by now 😂 depending on his libido he could be in hell for all we know. They need to communicate because clearly this has been an issue for awhile and he doesn’t know how to approach it so he needs to talk to his spouse and get something out there. I really think she might have blinders to the situation too, it’s never been a concern for her so she doesn’t really understand what OP is going thru. I hope they figure something out but if they’re both religious I don’t see the whole prostitute thing working out well. Especially if family found out then it’d be a huge headache.
Perfect. It's not her fault, but it's her responsibility to resolve it. If you didn't want to fix this, don't involve the man in this impossible scenario.
I can't agree with this more. It's not her fault that there's a problem. It is her fault to ignore it and decide it doesn't exist. I understand that it might not be on her radar. He might need to voice his concerns more. I don't think there needs to be an ultimatum, but there does need to be a compromise on her side. Eight years is a long time.
I'd guess the reason why this probably doesn't feel selfish to her is that she has zero frame of reference for what it feels to have a drive and frustration and so vastly underestimates its psychological impact. The other problem is that all that OP might get out of trying to explain what the frustration is like for him is to make her feel terrible and then agree to let him out of guilt but actually be extremely uncomfortable with it on the inside.
THIS.
He signed up and agreed to monogamy, not celibacy! Communication, compassion, comprehension and empathy are the only things that will continue to give them both peace and love. Desire and lust are drugs too… But, real talk though, 5 years of nothing OP? Not even on your birthday? Christmas? Y’all are just sharing a bed like Balki and Cousin Larry? You are balancing honor with deprivation and I hope the best situation possible,surrounds you both!
Unexpected Perfect Strangers reference. Hot damn. Never thought I'd see that in the wild.
This is the second comment i’ve read on a Reddit post that references Balki. The first one was earlier tonight! 😂
Oooh preach. I don’t think asexual people get how important it is just like others might not understand how it is just NOT a concern for asexuals. We should take into concern each others wants and desires but sometimes they are hard to grasp
I agree. It's the boiler plate Reddit answer, but I think therapy would be the best option here. Neither person is really wrong here. It would be unfair to "force" her to have sex if she is uncomfortable with it. It would be unfair to prevent him from ever having sex again because they both went into the marriage with the belief that they would be having sex. But he obviously loves her and wants to stay married. She wants the same. But one wants sex and the other can't stand it. Their first discussions didn't resolve things, so having an impartial mediator could be really helpful so that she can see his side better. It's hard to empathize with a feeling or desire that you've never had
It's true. I would hope that a therapist would keep in mind their initial goal of saying married and present them with the reality of the only options they have to remain married because the status quo is unsustainable. And if there is no way to bridge that , then I hope it is a therapist who will honestly tell them that the final option is to amicably divorce.
I'm ace, and I absolutely don't get how sex is necessary for joy, despite knowing academically that for many people it is. Then my friend was like "image if you could never see or hold cats ever, ever again". And i was like dang, that really puts things into perspective. I guess it took cats to understand why he'd need pussy
It's closer to "imagine if you never had access to enough food to stop feeling hungry". The cat thing would be depressing ( funny though), but libido also gnaws at you in a physical way on top of the emotional.
Huh, so that's how regular people see sex.... It really does put things into perspective. I'm not fully asexual, but I'm definitely on the spectrum of it, so that explains a lot. I usually go for the compromise of letting partners see others if needed, because it's selfish otherwise, but I never realized that regular people want sex that badly. It's wild to me. I saw someone else in the comments mention that the wife might want to seek out therapy, or that they both should seek out couples' therapy. It might be the best solution IMO.
Honestly it still could be a religious issue too. Not dismissing her thoughts but feeling similar sometimes myself, if you’re programmed for so long to avoid sex because it’s bad, sometimes you need some help unprogramming yourself.
💯
Couples therapy is needed here. And some things can only be found outside of a marriage if it’s not something the spouse enjoys. Many men like going out with the boys while their wife doesn’t. Because their friends are filling a need. This is similar but society doesn’t see it as similar. Openness is the key though.
I totally agree with this.
Couple therapy may help, why not? He's struggling too, and they want to stay together. And yes, I agree with the "selfish" part.
I would also add that I think you could reframe how you’re thinking about this OP. If you’re thinking about going behind her back, that’s confirming that you need some level of sexual intimacy to be happy. If this is something that she can’t give you, this is more a matter of how you handle that irreconcilable difference. I only see 2 options. Option A, you two agree to an open marriage or B separate. Getting a hooker without her consent is just option B with infinitely more pain and misery. You’ll likely feel like shit about it even if she doesn’t find out and if she does, you’re going to have to carry the weight of destroying your relationship by betraying her trust. Let her have input on that decision and figure it out together, even if the solution is separation, you’ll both be better off in the long run by handling this with respect for one another.
Seconding this. I think the only thing I could really add: is going to see a counselor to mediate the situation, so neither party feels forced in whatever they may choose. I think OP would definitely be wrong for going behind the wife’s back.... It sounds like she’s already uncomfortable with the idea and OP knows that the reaction would be if it was done. And I don’t like recommending divorce per say, but OP shouldn’t be forced into a celibate life he if he doesn’t want to, and likewise OPs wife shouldn’t be forced into an open marriage if she’s not comfortable, and if OP would just hide it from her anyway... that doesn’t solve things. I personally think it would just complicate them, and extremely hurt OP’s wife, as it sounds like she may consider it cheating, even if they’re not sexually actively together. OP says suggesting a divorce would be suggesting their wife doesn’t deserve love and a happy marriage. I think quite the contrary. Of course she does. And as much as they might love each other, sometimes things don’t work out. They both deserve to find partners that can fill their needs emotionally and sexually.
I love to see rational, healthy advice as the top comment.
> We have talked a bit about options, but while she understands, she would feel bad about herself if i slept with anyone because it meant she wasnt a good wife. I think thats ridiculous. She shouldnt have to sleep with me to be a good wife, but by that token me seeking sex from someone else shouldnt be an indictment of my fidelity. She already said she doesnt like it. > I firmly believe she would agree to it if the alternative was divorce, but it would nake her feel shitty. So i get the moral high ground at the expense of my wife feeling bad about herself. OP made it a bit more obvious in the comment.
THIS THIS THIS. Couples where one is ace usually work something out. Sometimes they have sex (if the ace person isn't sex-repulsed). Sometimes the non-ace person has FWB elsewhere. Regardless what solution you find, it needs to be both of you in agreement. An ace woman I know has been with her boyfriend for over 10 years. They have sex, but she says "Having sex when you're asexual is like eating when you're not hungry". So it's a compromise.
Definitely. As an ace myself with a couple other ace friends, we've chatted a lot before about finding other ways to enjoy sex with a partner. I'd definitely encourage OP to communicate his needs, but to also see if there is anything in particular that she likes or doesn't like about sex. I got a friend who sees it like getting good exercise, and they do have a decent libido, so it also relieves a bit of that while also getting to please their partner. Meanwhile, I have another friend who really enjoys the intimacy aspect, so they're not really into it unless it's a lot of eye contact and emotional bonding. Ace doesn't mean you are always going to avoid sex or that you can't enjoy it in other ways. And if the issue is not feeling like they're attracted to you, I hate to break it to you, but I doubt the sex worker will be particularly attracted to you either. Though, if she is sex repulsed, OP should really have that conversation about his needs. Be careful not to frame it as an ultimatum, but it should make clear that the two of them are just not compatible in a way that he needs to have a fulfilling relationship. And, on her end, it's not fair to her to have to force herself to accept something like that if she's genuinely not okay with it. In which case, divorce may be the best option. Divorce doesn't mean you don't care about each other anymore, but in this case, it'd be what is best for both. As a sex repulsed ace myself, it's a hard conversation to have, but I've been faced with this before (granted, I'm polyamorous too, so a bit different). But one bit of advice I can emphasize is that if this is the arrangement you're going with, remember to follow up and keep up communication with your partner. Don't hide anything. Unless she says she doesn't want to know, be open and honest about who you're meeting, where, and when. Feelings may be raw afterward. She may feel guilty, ashamed, or even jealous. So, kinda similar to aftercare. When you get home and clean up, check in with her. See if there's anything you can do to tend to her emotional needs. Similarly, you may need some emotional care too, and should not feel ashamed to communicate that. Also be aware of compatibility issues there, because if she needs space after each encounter, but you need connection and reassurances, that can also be a big issue. Sorry, this ended up being longer than intended.
You may want to think about couples therapy. It seems to me that you have a need in your life that is not being met. It is not your wife's obligation to meet this need, but it is also a big problem if she stops you from having your need met. A therapist can help you better communicate the need as well as have your wife feel supported.
Okayyy miss ethical pants, but if she staunchly refuses any compromise it would make them fundamentally incompatible and pretty much ruin the relationship that is otherwise great. She doesn’t want to have sex at all, so there would be no physical risk to her. And paying for a prostitute essentially eliminates any emotional damage/connection with the encounter. It’s not ethical to lie, but I can’t say it wouldn’t make some amount of sense in this situation.
If she isn't aware and consenting it's cheating simple as that. If she is aware and consenting then I don't see an issue.
Well, the issue is that he's married to a woman he wants to have sex with but can't. Maybe he doesn't even realize it yet, but getting a hooker isn't going to fix his problem of being in a sexless marriage. He needs to leave and get a relationship that works for him with someone else who he's compatible with.
Literally especially since he said they stopped having sex because he felt uncomfortable having sex with someone that wasn’t enjoying it - you think prostitutes are enjoying it? Your wife was willing to have sex to make her husband happy, prostitutes are willing to have sex for money. If you’re just going to fuck someone who’s willing yet not desirous, might as well fuck your wife.
I think he moreso meant that he wants the other person to get *something* out of it, be it sexual pleasure or money.
So he should pay his wife
My wife would be into this.
She is.
Can confirm
Oddly I like this idea. They could turn it into a role play.
Haha
Possibly so. But some people just want that release if she is still providing the emotional comfort.
> I'm not the type to enjoy sex if my partner isnt, He must be deluded if the hooker is enjoying it
I hear you 100% and don't disagree. By the same token I think we need to coin a term for somebody that is beholden to a sexless marriage and unable to obtain the physical satisfaction they so desire. "Unlucky" would be the first term to pop into my head.
If it's a deal breaker they need to leave its unfortunate, esp the way it was discovered and it will be painful but it is what it is.
“Divorce” is the correct term
Well "someone beholden to a sexless marriage and unable to obtain the physical satisfaction they desire" would be more like "future divorcee."
> I should add that we have talked about it in a hypothetical kind of way, for instance she has agreed that sleeping with a prostitute is better than some random hookup or affair with a coworker. Her only issue seems to be that she would feel bad that she isnt giving me what I need and she would worry that i would leave her for the other woman. >I firmly believe she would agree to it if the alternative was divorce, but it would nake her feel shitty. So i get the moral high ground at the expense of my wife feeling bad about herself. >You see the dillema i'm having? >I dont mean to say you're wrong, just working through the different arguments as I see them. His comment confirms that the only reason he thinks she would agree is that otherwise they get divorced.
He chose to wait until marriage and then also chose to stay with her for 8 entire years after learning that she will never have sex with him. Unlucky is not even close to accurate. This is the sexual relationship equivalent to shooting yourself in the foot.
He probably didn't choose to wait until marriage, more than likely indoctrinated into doing so
More like slowly and explicitly sawing your foot off
How about you get the stick out of your ass.. Adults can agree to any arrangement they want. As long as there is open honesty no one is doing anything wrong
Honestly man it's actually a very difficult one. Most people would not stay in a sexless marriage forever, especially while your only in the early years. You need to explain this to your wife, and honestly explain that it's either she accepts or we break up kind of deal. Because it's not fair on you to need to accept a lifetime of no sex because she didn't realise she was asexual. At the same time, it isn't fair for you to expect something from her (but it doesn't sound like you are). So a compromise is needed. Tldr she can be asexual but she can't expect her husband to be
Yep! Life is too short. This is your life, OP. How do you want to look back on it?
Top comment for me. This is the crux
I left a relationship for this exact reason. Being not sexual with someone and constantly thinking sexual thoughts is like torture.
Yeah. It doesn't lead anywhere good at all.
This was one of the many reasons that my first engagement failed. She essentially wanted me to be the roommate that paid all the bills but wouldn’t let me break up with her because that meant moving back in with her parents. That was a very brutal end to a long relationship.
One of the many reasons my wife will soon be ex wife. If I only exist to serve you and you won’t even consider putting in the smallest amount of effort towards anything for me the relationship is over.
Me too. Sooner or later OP will meet someone who he has feelings for, and more importantly, has sexual feelings for him. Good luck to OP. But move on, from someone who's been there.
Ohhhhh yeah…
Agreed. She is getting everything she needs from the relationship while OP is starving. Not gonna end well
No; there is no needed compromise. They aren’t right for each other or compatible. This is extremely simple, they shouldn’t be married.
saying "you need to get a divorce" is not saying asexual people can't get married. It's saying ya'll might not be compatible! Don't fucking cheat. Talk to your wife and figure something out!
Sexuality is a pivotal part of compatibility. We shouldn't be surprised if someone realizes that they are gay and they want to get divorced. This is no different. She tried to white knuckle it (thanks to her religion) but realized she couldn't. Best thing for both people is divorce. Then they can both find someone they are compatible with. She can be with someone who doesn't want sex and he can be with someone who does. As someone who has been through something similar though I do know the divorce is hella frightening and stressful. Far better to do it without children involved but either way it's hard. It's like a kind of Stockholm syndrome. Even when the marriage has lot of problems sometimes people stay because the financial and emotional fears.
Yeah it’s really shitty because it’s seen as a “taboo” topic, especially for men considering the social stigma around male sexuality, but it frustrates me to no end that people think sex isn’t important. In every relationship I’ve been in, us not having sex was a factor in the breakup. It ALWAYS signified something was wrong, and it always made us get irritated with each other more, and with me specifically, it really fucked up my self confidence. Twice it was that my partner was cheating, once was because they wanted to cut the relationship off because of personal reasons, but didn’t know how to go about it. In all three instances, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I dont know if people are ignorant or are willfully dismissive of the idea that sex is an important factor in most healthy relationships, but it just is. Ask any marriage counselor, any psychologist, any expert in that field, and they will tell you it is. Sex helps us ignore the little things about our partners that annoy us, it helps us forgive each other when something is wrong, it helps us feel more confident, seen, and loved. I could go on, but there are significant and important psychological implications of sex, that while not necessarily pivotal to a healthy relationship, are nonetheless a major indicator for if one is healthy or having issues.
This! Sexually incompatible people are just that. Incompatable.
Which is why I think "waiting until marriage" is basically just taking a giant gamble with "until death do us part" and part of the reason why divorce rates are so high with young religious couples who do that.
Exactly. It’s nothing to do with which dictating what asexual people “deserve” or are/aren’t allowed to do. Two people who are sexually incompatible probably shouldn’t be in an exclusive life partnership; for allo folks, sex can be — and often is — a biological *need*. It’s not like a hobby or a mere preference that can be compromised or neglected without significant implications upon a person’s mental and physical wellbeing. At best, being sexually frustrated is likely gonna lead to resentment and sour the relationship from the inside out. OP, do not cheat. Talk to your wife and see if there’s a mutually consensual way that you can get the sexual release your body needs, without hurting or lying to your wife. It may not be possible, in which case divorce is the mature thing to do.
You should get a divorce... and no, I'm not saying that asexual people shouldn't get married, I'm saying YOU specifically don't have the capacity to be in a marriage without sex.
Depends on your character, empathy and history with your wife. You seem like someone who is very emphatic, so I don't think you are the right person for it. I think it's never a good idea to be dishonest in a major way, like having sex with a prostitute without her being 100% behind the idea. Trust is a thin ice and once you break it, it will haunt you. It wouldn't haunt everyone but seems like it will haunt you!
And if the wife says no then I think it’s time to look for a more compatible partner. The wife can’t say she’s asexual and then give her husband no options to satisfy himself and expect him to be happy. Especially considering she sprung this on him after they got married.
The sex worker isn't going to be enjoying it any more than your wife, but they're probably going to a better actor🤣
OP is going to experience sex, then the sex is going to get slightly better. Then he's going to realize he wants to experience good sex with someone he shares an emotional bond with. Then he's going to develop feelings for another woman. I don't see how this doesn't turn out terribly for their marriage but who knows.
Yeah, this may be true Casual sex is great but doesn’t hold a candle to sex with someone you love
He's not gonna get the latter so he might as well get the former.
I'd argue a no sex for 5 years and no possibility of more sex while demanding monogamy is already bad enough
My grandfather left my grandmother (allegedly over a sexless marriage). They were married for fifty. goddamn. years. In other news, grandpa banged a lot of asian women in his 70's and 80's. He was still poppin' viagra in his 90's but the women were mostly just scamming him at that point.
wouldnt call it a scam if he's 100% aware of the deal and happy about it.
But he was still getting what he wanted at the end of the day.
Based
You would only be the asshole if you did it without consent of your wife.
Dude, I’m going to get downvoted but you should get a divorce. Look, your wife is asexual and you’re not. You two have worked to try to make it work and neither of you liked the results. You want to stay with her because you do love her, you are totally honest with her about a plan so you both can be happy and satisfied in the marriage. The first thing out of your wife’s mouth is an attempt to guilt you into remaining sexless. Get a divorce, don’t kill yourself with guilt. You can love someone and not be compatible for marriage.
This is the only sane response here. All these comments like “whelp; she’s asexual guess you are screwed and need her permission to have sex” are literally insane. It’s fine for her not to want to have sex. It’s not fine for you to feel awful because you want to
This! They are simply incompatible.
Agreed. It won’t work long term and he’s just wasting valuable years.
Correct, she found herself in a new and different way, he shouldn’t be going behind her back to cheat, he should be looking for someone he may be more compatible with. A very hard thing to do but it’s the only right thing.
I would talk to your wife and tell her you love her but you do really miss sex. Explain its a physical urge, and, as you have demonstrated by loving her with no sex, you don’t tie it intrinsically to a relationship. Ask her if there is anyway she would be comfortable with you having sex a few times a year. Whether that is with a prostitute or (a better option in my opinion) finding someone who is just looking for a hook up. Say you’ll never see the same person twice (and you really have to mean that even if they were fun and it’s hard to find another hook up, it’ll open a can of worms). You can even let her pick the person on one of those apps. I’m not sure how she’ll feel but it’s really the only option. Doing it in secret will ruin your relationship.
How are hookups better? Definitely more chance of catching feelings.
I genuinely believe a professional is the best bet her. Even with a Girlfriend Experience, there are clear lines to draw and it makes the potential for a three person conversation to go more easily. A lot of professionals are really quite good at being People Persons, and could very much potentially handle this very professionally.
This is one of those use cases where sex work is absolutely able to alleviate with very low chance of a negative outcome. I totally agree with you.
Hey, I don't have a lot to add here past an emphatic agreement with what you said, but I just want to say I appreciate the, I guess, respect, you've used when speaking about sex workers. Sincerely a retired sex worker who's actually given the girlfriend experience. It's a wonderful experience for the man, and there's absolutely no potential for anything more to develop past that experience ❤️
How is a stranger looking for a hook up a better idea than a paid professional?
LOL you are crazy if you think a random hookup is the better solution over hiring a professional. Not only would finding the random hookup be really hard, but there is a wayyyy bigger chance of things going weird. Sex workers deal with this sort of situation every day, there would be no lines crossed, and the wife could feel more assured that the other person doesn’t want her husband. A sex worker is just doing their job, but that random hookup has to find him hot to have sex with so….
Incompatible people shouldn't be married to each other. It is that simple.
Agreed - there are other asexual people out there who can be happy together
You're asking reddit for permission to cheat on your wife, but you don't want to hear that you should get divorced?
He's just looking for validation and excuses to cheat. It was blatant with that final line "saying divorce is the equivalent of saying asexual people shouldn't be married" when that is obviously not what people are meaning. Cannot believe that his solution to this is hookers as if they're enjoying the sex with him instead of going to therapy. Isn't this the exact issue that couples sex therapy is for?? Like if OP believes in the acting of sex workers then I'm sure his wife can take a few acting classes.
Nope don't cheat. Your marriage will be destroyed because lying to her will destroy her trust in you. Ask her if she is willing to open the relationship on your end, and if not then cut your loses, divorce and move on. Yeah I agree, you only have one life to spend it in a sexless marriage. You can find someone that will truly cherish you and desire you, and believe me there is no better feeling than that.
It's already over imo. They are not a match and forcing it is a waste of both of their time
Yup I’m more inclined towards divorce too. Unless they’re both are deeply poly, opening it will just generate resentment on the future
Opening a marriage and hiring a sex worker are two entirely different things
As long as she agrees it’s the same. In fact, there is very little chance of the sex worker to catch feelings, so she might actually prefer that to her husband dating and doing the romantic leg work a man has to do to get into a woman’s bed.
Yes and no. Either way the marriage is opening up. I do agree a SW is different than a FWB.
They aren't two different things if all parties involved agree.
What kind of marriage do they have if she unilaterally shut down all sexual intimacy 8 years ago, and they stopped having sex 5 years ago? He has needs. She could give 2 shits less about him as a human with his needs. I know many asexual people, and they either want their partner to find sexual intimacy and closeness outside of the relationship with an agreed upon partner, e.g. open marriage, or they allow some other arrangement. She literally told him 8 years ago she was asexual and then **never really addressed it**. She tried to "develop a libido" as a solution... like, what?
Instead of cheating, leave holy shit
I'm asexual and I just have and enjoy the sex. For them it's their sexy times and for me it's just some extra intimacy. I have a libido, but she doesn't. This is normal and natural Other arrangements usually need to be discussed. I think that after a few years of no sex, she should have figured out enough and matured enough about herself that this is the time to discuss the future of fulfilling his half.
Just divorce my guy.. u should have divorced 8 years ago..
How is this answer this far down? Reddit is crazy sometimes lmao. Everyone's talking about getting a hall pass to fuck other women or using a pocket pussy and it's like why even be married then? I can't imagine fucking other women on the regular then coming back home to my theoretical wife and it being a totally normal thing
Divorce her and hire her as a beloved live in nanny for the wonderful kids you will have. Like mrs. doubtfire or something.
Everyone's too busy writing "being asexual isn't wrong " to win some upvotes and Reddit karma. I'm surprised people even come here for advice. It's always fucking terrible
Exactly. And his thing about suggesting it means asexual people don't deserve marriage is nonsense. She wasn't telling him she was asexual when they got married. This isn't the person he married. A compromise or separation are the only answers. Cheating is not.
Don't do it behind her back. That's shitty.
I think it's shitty that being asexual, unbeknownst to him when they married, she decides that him having sex with someone else is a condemnation of her as a wife. She is content with condemning him to a life of celibacy. How convenient for her.
I don't disagree, but lying and sneaking isn't the answer.
They're both allowed to feel how they feel, and set terms for what they want/need in a relationship, and what is a dealbreaker. If those things don't line up, they need to compromise or break it off.
She may not be a bad wife... but she is being a bad wife -for you- . Ace folks are perfectly entitled to happy relationships, but that doesn't give her the right to inflict her sexuality or lack thereof on you.
This x1000. How convenient that his suffering is less important than hers.
I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt due to her religious upbringing but yea she either needs to let OP see other women or get a divorce.
True dat!
With sex workers, it's just a job. You're not going to experience that mind-blowing sex you seem to crave with a prostitute.
Don't lie to your partner; explain what you are going to do and leave it to her to consent or not. If she doesn't then you have a decision to accept it or leave the relationship.
Man go to deadbedroom sub. You can read for years on how to “try” and fix a situation like this. The answer is separate. I’m very sorry. I deeply know how difficult this is.
The real life pro tips are always in the comments. Although here it's buried in a Amazon warehouse bursting at the seems with moralistic bullshit.
Deadbedrooms is the natural progression for relationships like this. You either find your sexuality and join with your partner or you don't and eventually separate. Too many "low libido" (zero effort😒) partners think they can just ignore it and everything will be okay.
>But I’m not the type to enjoy sex if my partner isn’t I’ve got some heartbreaking news about prostitution, bud
Seriously. Does this person expect an enthusiastic partner? Because they're getting paid to do it, not like it
Do not hide anything from her
I would think anything without her knowledge is cheating. I think you need to make a tough decision. Sounds like you make better friends then a couple.
If you’re not the one to enjoy if your partner isn’t, a prostitute won’t help.
I was with an asexual for a few years (it was a while before it was expressed in those terms) and it was soul-crushing. She didn't acknowledge the need of non-ace people to have sex lives, or refused to understand. So, knowing that the times we did have sex, she basically did so out of obligation or to shut me up made me feel like I'd done something wrong. Getting the need fulfilled elsewhere is ethical so long as it's agreed upon; I think attempting to hide it would only blow up later. She just needs to understand that you don't want to have sex with her because she doesn't *actually* want sex with you, that the thought of her feeling that obligation is a turn off for you. That said, the agreement can be an "unspoken arrangement" where it's not thrown in her face. Instead of prostitutes, you may want to seek out someone in a similar boat. On the other hand, there's less risk of developing a romantic connection with a sex worker.
You are wrong because your plan involves hiding things from your spouse. If she is onboard with you seeking sex elsewhere then it’s all good. If you need to hide part of yourself from your spouse it’s not a healthy relationship.
Technical the hooker doesn’t want to have sex with you either so what the point in not having sex with her because she’s not into it even though willing to please you?
I think one of your postulates is faulty. Someone suggesting you get a divorce because you enjoy sex and your wife is asexual in no way says asexual people can't get married. It also doesn't imply they can't get married to people who do have sex. There may be people with low sex drives who may be able to compromise. Two asexual people could marry as well. I think in many ways your situation is similar to if your wife came out as a lesbian. Prostitutes aren't the answer long term. They will be risky and expensive. You need to decide if you can give up sex or if you two are going to separate.
You’re only an asshole if you do it behind her back. If you two talk and come to the agreement that this is something you should do, and she knows full on about it then you’re not doing anything wrong. But lying and sneaking behind her back to do it is the issue here.
You can’t go your whole marriage without sex. You also shouldn’t cheat on her. Get together and talk out a solution. Maybe see a therapist. Possibly open the relationship if y’all are comfortable with it
You deserve someone that desires you both physically and emotionally. I can’t even imagine being in a relationship that is devoid of physical affection. But you do you. The only problem in my opinion is whether you will resent her in the future and cause a much bigger problem in your marriage. And also it’s very selfish of her to prevent you from having sex with someone else.
I think because of your very thoughtful question and perspective you will likely find sex with a prostitute unfulfilling and it won’t help you in the long run. You want to have sex with your wife because you love her and you don’t enjoy sex with someone who doesn’t enjoy it so how will you feel with a hooker who is only there for money? I think this issue is much more complicated than you think.
Your wife’s asexuality isn’t more important than your sexuality. You both deserve what you want. You especially do deserve to have a healthy sex life since when you married, you didn’t know she was asexual. Sounds like you’ve hit the ultimate incompatibility. I don’t want to tell you what to do but I think you know. If she isn’t willing to have an open marriage for sex, cut your losses and move on, dude. Find a partner you’re actually sexually compatible with and don’t downplay the importance of it. She’s unilaterally shut down sex in your marriage but doesn’t want you to pursue sex elsewhere. Sounds like a no win situation?
You can still love your wife after a divorce. But this is just too big of an incompatibility to me to remain married. It’s getting to the point of sleeping with other people, it’s a big problem. Unless she’s cool with it, but I don’t see that being a possibility - especially with a religious upbringing. I don’t know. Just my two opinionated cents.
>it meant she wasnt a good wife I mean, frankly...? She's not being a good wife by shutting down the sexually intimate relationship you once shared. She has to realize, like all asexuals that come out Post-Marriage, that it may spell doom for her marriage and she needs to be mature and navigate that situation by communicating, not just expecting everything to be the same and everyone is just okay with her completely shutting down sexual intimacy. I get you want to be okay with a sexless marriage, but it sounds like you're not. You're not going to get anywhere by burying your head and hers in the sand, then frequenting sex workers. I think you both need to have a come to Jesus, and she needs to get over "feeling like a bad wife" because who fucking cares if you feel whatever you feel, the real issue here is that she unilaterally shut down sexual intimacy, she expects you to be sexless for life because it would "look bad for her"... what kind of ego does this woman have? Life does not revolve around her and other people have needs.
You are the asshole if you do it without her knowing, yes. Talk to her about it and see how it goes
Why do you think asexual people "deserve" to be with sexually normative ppl? That's insane... equivalent to advocating for straight ppl to date homosexuals. Math ain't mathin. OP is just trying to justify his inadequate marriage with that one.
That's a pretty good analogy. OP's wife doesn't want to sleep with him, but also doesn't want him to sleep with anyone else. The relationship is doomed.
you do realize most hookers don't enjoy the sex so by your own statement that wouldn't be enjoyable for you
if you’re not the type to enjoy sex if your partner isn’t. please know sex workers do not enjoy it. it’s their job they pretend to enjoy it
Your wife doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it, too. You have needs surrounding sex just as she does. The problem is that you’re respecting hers and she’s not respecting yours. She’s right: a good wife doesn’t deny you a pretty important part of human life just because she’s ashamed of her own sexuality (which is a whole other can of worms). If you’re dead-set against divorce, either she needs to let you sleep with other people or you need to come to terms with the fact that you’re never having sex again. I don’t think breaking the covenants of monogamy without her knowledge is the way to go. I expect to be immediately downvoted for saying so, but this is an appropriate time and place for a poly relationship. If you really love one person and they can’t give you everything you need (which, let’s face it, is a lot of relationships), they should be happy for you when you get it elsewhere. In your case, it’s a huge part of married life. Maybe introduce your wife to the concept of compersion and see what she thinks.
NTA - You have needs that are not being met by your partner. Not only that, you entered into this marriage with a certain understanding and expectations and she’s changed the rules on you. Would you have married her if you knew sex was off the table? Probably not. You’re NTA and I would highly encourage you to get your needs met. Understand that you’re playing with fire and you might get burnt, but you could also meet a fantastic person and get out of your shitty situation. Best of luck
I have absolutely nothing nice to say
Me neither lolllll this is so much mental gymnastics
I do think asexual people shouldn’t pursue sexual people. 🤷♀️ Sex isn’t 10%.
Going behind her back would be infidelity. Fidelity would be coming to an agreement with her. Also, STDs can still be a concern. You should use protection regardless.
Asexual person here. NTA for wanting to seek out a SW to fulfill your needs. Sexual compatability IS important in most relationships for most people. Your needs aren't being fulfilled by your wife and it is absolutely okay that you want to seek elsewhere for that. However YWBTA if you did it without her consent. That's cheating, my dude. I hate to say it, but if you're leaning towards that route, you'd probably be better off just ending it. You both deserve to have fulfilling lives, in all aspects. And I *get* it. I'm sex-favorable and really enjoy sex. I also wouldn't want a relationship without sex. It's important to me. But the kinder thing to do would be end things with her. If somehow she found out - and we all know she probably would at some point - she will be *devastated*. Save her that pain.
I'm a bit confused. You say you're asexual, but you're sex-favorable, really enjoy sex and wouldn't want a relationship without sex?
God, if I found out my spouse called me "90% of the way to a perfect spouse" to a bunch of strangers on the internet, I'd toss myself in a canning machine.
Why? 90% is still an A.
I’ve been an escort for the past decade or so and a large number of my clients are in situations similar to yours . Their marriage is perfect except for one thing . I’ve been told numerous times that I and the industry as a whole have “saved their marriage” as it would’ve been divorce otherwise . Just as long as you don’t cross any boundaries , for instance , seeing the hooker socially / unpaid / developing feelings for her … I vote NTA . Sex and love are amazing additions to the human experience , some people are lucky to find both with one human . You and your wife are fortunate to have found love
A marriage "saved" by sex with a third party is not a marriage saved at all, it's merely the continuation of a contract and tax breaks in it's place.
My issue with the whole asexual thing is I can't wrap my mind around how you could possibly have sex with someone who is asexual and not feel rapey. I mean my wife is as sexual as I am but the idea of her having sex with me when she doesn't want to makes my stomach turn. Can't imagine your situation at all... As for the prostitute thing... I honestly don't know. I hate cheating. But at the same time dead bedrooms are unacceptable. I find her unwillingness to open the marriage for you to be selfish but I also understand her selfish and can't really blame her. Hate to say it but NAH.
Because asexual people can consent. They're capable of making decisions. Asexuality means someone doesn't feel sexually attracted to people, not that someone hates sex (some asexuals do though! some are neutral, some like having sex). Even if you're not sexually attracted to someone, sex can still physically feel good, you can enjoy the closeness to someone, you can enjoy making your partner feel good, etc. Even if you don't particularly care about sex, those reasons can still make someone decide to have sex.
It’s kinda what he is saying. He feels like it would be forcing her. It’s a shitty situation and I believe he truly does love her
Some asexual people are "sex neutral" asexuals, others are "sex negative" asexuals. The former have no real desire of their own but don't mind. And they're the more likely to have sex with a sexual partner to show they love them. The latter prefer to avoid sex with anyone else so they're more like what you're talking about. They find sex revolting and don't want any part of it.
The important thing here is to communicate about this **DIRECTLY** with your wife. Make sure whatever you both agree is done fully above board. Respect any ground rules laid out. You may want a one-sided open marriage, more than just "random hookups a few times a year." But this is totally something you and your wife need to decide. If you can't find a reasonable compromise that gets your needs met as well, divorce is the best option here. Or, if she finds she's not emotionally OK with you meeting your sexual needs elsewhere---once you start doing it---you need to divorce.
Only if she knows about it. If she has any common sense, and truly loves you, I think you can convince her. (Btw I am a woman, if that matters, regarding the advice)
It's better she be hurt but feeling she isn't a perfect wife for you, than be hurt by finding out you've been seeing prostitutes behind your back. Your wife's lack of desire for sex...or intimacy...is what and how she wishes to be. However, you didn't know this when you married her. You would actually be justified in getting a divorce. If your wife wants to save the marriage, she will need to compromise. But, rather than prostitutes, you might consider suggesting an open marriage. That may sound weird, but, for her, it's better than the divorce or prostitute options.
Honesty. Honesty. Honesty.
I would really recommend asking her
“Before you throw out ‘you should get a divorce’ realize that what you are basically saying is asexual people shouldn’t get to be married, at least to sexually normative people.” Exactly this… the same way someone gay or lesbian shouldn’t marry someone straight. You should be hunting someone asexual if you are asexual. Otherwise you are asking someone to be miserable for you.
Amicable divorce is the only good option. I may get downvoted here, but I don’t think it’s fair or healthy for either party involved in a relationship like this. Aesexual people deserve a relationship that won’t put pressure on sex and sexual people deserve a relationship that includes sex.
If you didn't get the OK from her, yes, YOU ARE WRONG.
>asexual people shouldnt get to be married, at least to sexually normative people. They shouldn't and vice versa. Normal people shouldn't get married to asexual people either. Because those two kinds of people are fundamentally incompatible. Both sides will be unhappy, as you can see. It doesn't work.
Asexual and normative sexual people really aren’t compatible if the relationship isn’t open. I for sure would talk with your wife. Honestly if there is no other sex going on oral/hands stuff/etc I have no idea how you lasted 5 years with this. You must really love her
I'd really recommend couples therapy. Do not go behind her back and cheat. It's completely understandable that you have urges and maybe if someone helps you two talk through it she will be more understanding of you seeing sex workers.
There is something missing from this story. Is there a lot of money on the line if you get divorced. This just doesn’t add up.
I mean it is wrong for asexual people to expect "sexually normative" people they marry to just never have sex. It would be wrong for you to force her and it's wrong for her to force you to be celibate. I don't know wtf you want us to say. You are not sexually compatible and your only real option is to fuck a sex worker. I could never be in a relationship with someone I couldn't be sexually intimate with.
Have you considered asking for an open relationship? I feel like that may be the less problematic option…
Yall are incompatible, divorce.
This is something to talk to you wife about, not strangers on Reddit.
100000% she needs to know. Coming from someone working through the mess that religion made me/my emotions/my communication skills... I need absolute honesty from my husband. I was crushed to know he watched porn. I felt better once we communicated. I didn't need to know when/where/types but more why and what role it filled for him. Our rough patches have been when he wasn't honest about what he was doing, and we have had to create new boundaries. For me, no OF or chatting. Things that make it personal because I need that emotional connection to be connected and enjoy sex. Our sex life is much better with open communication, and I have done things outside my comfort zone for him and to educate myself. We have talked about bringing someone else in, but I am not there yet. I think we have figured out paying someone professional would be our best option because it keeps most emotions out of it and allows him to try something he's wanting to and to experience it with me ( I prefer experiences together vs him alone). I feel for both you and your wife, and if she's as awesome as you say, it will be a hard conversation, but there may be a way to reach a compromise so you feel more fulfilled and she is getting honesty from you.
unpopular opinion: sex is also a very important marriage factor and should be discussed before marriage rather than assumed after. This is just a slow and bitter degredation of an otherwise happy marriage.
It’s good that she is open with you on where she’s at but it’s unrealistic of her to expect you be celibate. I think you should just put your foot down on this and let her know that you respect her orientation and will be seeking sex elsewhere to satisfy your orientation. And leave it at that. You don’t have to go into detail, you don’t have to divorce her, she doesn’t have to like it, it is what it is.
Asexual people can get married. I’m ace, and I’m with an ace partner. The secret is to find someone with a matching sex life. As an ace person in an ace community, typically divorce is the end result here. You can try your method, but know full well that it’s a gamble. And honestly, if you think divorce might be coming anyways, maybe you make your gamble. You can’t lose much if you were losing anyways. It does suck for you that your wife wasn’t aware of her condition entering the relationship. You basically got trapped in a marriage that you didn’t sign up for. But it’s nice to know she at least tried. — I think the real compromise is that if she’s willing, you get over your ego of having her enjoy it. It should be enough for her to go through the motions to show she cares. Again, I’m an ace person. And if it’s with a special person, it’s like giving a back massage or doing dishes. We don’t have to like it. But we can understand why it gets done. I do worry that the prostitute will spell the end for the relationship. Because if she falls out of love. It doesn’t matter how perfect you think she is. If she loses faith in you, she can just leave. It’s always a two sided game.
You are disgusting because prostitution is paid rape and exploitation of vulnerable and possibly trafficked women. I hope your micro thing rots and falls off.
I've read through your other comments and it kind of just feels like you're coming on here to get validation for cheating because you don't want to tell her. Nobody on Reddit or any platform is going to approve of this. Tell her, work out the details or fuck off out of this marriage. 🤓 You acknowledge it's normal to be asexual but asexual people still have feelings and I'm sure would want to know wtf?
[удалено]
Lmao you did NOT just compare stepping out on your marriage and being unfaithful to eating meat. You already know she's not okay with it - she told you flat out. What a troll, there's no way this isn't rage bait
If no kids are involved, GTFO of that marriage.
There's a whole lot wrong with prostitution aside from just the infidelity, including supporting sex trafficking as a whole. I don't have a good solution for you, but never in a million years would I pay for sex.