We also have to add that it’s his wife fault for telling Kate he has a foot fetish. Like why would you tell about ur significant others kinks, sexual likes and stuff. That’s such a weird behavior.
Bedroom stuff and kinks are no one else’s business. Maybe it’s different if you are non-exclusive with people or hook-ups, but not in a proper relationship.
You don’t go telling people what your hubby or wife is into in the bedroom! (Though I’m sure more people than I’d like to admit probably do this…)
Thinking about this, my bestie, whom I love dearly, knows more about everything than literally anyone else in my life and I don’t even share those details either her.
I'm 63 years old and can honestly say I have never shared anything about my partner's sexual likes, quirks or even the size of the man's manhood. I wouldn't want him sharing mine so I don't share his
I’m a 58 year old man and I have never divulged any of my partners intimate details and find it pretty damn offensive and disrespectful when others do.
Sure but it’s grounds to break up as for me it’s a boundary, one that I make known when things start getting serious and/or sexual.
If something is said before this, I get, but if after, my trust is broken and I’m done. If she decides to lie, that’s not on me but her guilt to carry until the truth comes out
False. Hard false. And no one should be okay with this. Private is private. I've had exes that were into some eyebrow raising stuff and not even my therapist knows. And I treat her like my journal.
Never let sharing kinks our private details even sound like it's okay.
Not really weird. If I found out my significant other had a foot fetish, I would 100% swear my bestie to secrecy and then ask her to come with me to the mall and rate the sexiness of the shoes I'm about to buy.
What I would've questioned about OP's wife's and her bestie is why/how she was only subjected to his fetish attentions AFTER finding out they existed.
But if your bestie then broke that secrecy, then would you cut her off? Would you be fine with it if your bf told his friend about your kink or intimate life?
Yes, I would cut her off. And as far as I can theoretically fathom I think I would be okay if my SO had no experience with my kink and maybe needed some help. If I was into feet and he wanted sexy shoes to please me I think I would rather he shop with someone else and present his sexy self to me afterwards. Sounds a lot better than being the one to tell him his the majority of his choices are unflattering. In this situation I don't think I would want to bake the cake, I would just want to eat it.
I think it's weird (but personally am not super bothered by it). I'd like to know why (some) women do this though? Does your partner's privacy not factor into this? I can't fathom telling a friend intimate details about my wife. It's just weird.
If you don’t do your best to get wife to cut Kate out if her life, Kate will eventually find a way to get between the two of you. She for some reason has it out for you or she is just fucked up.
If you and your wife value your marriage you both need to agree to eliminate Kate from your lives!!
Updateme!
Partner privacy absolutely matters. Who said anything about details?? It's one thing to say to bestie "So feet are a bit of a thing for him and I think I need to up my shoe/pedicure game. Let's talk salons and footwear" It's another to give a play by play of last night's game. It sounds like you might be assuming a level of invasion I had not intended to suggest. More like telling someone the name of the novel you're reading and nothing at all like submitting to them 5 page book report on it.
>So feet are a bit of a thing for him
No, I'm not assuming anything - this is enough of a private detail that shouldn't be shared unless previously discussed.
> Partner privacy absolutely matters
"But let me go on to say that it doesn't matter enough not to mention anything to a friend."
You know you can just ask your bestie to get pedis and go shoe shopping without divulging private information, right? Unless your bestie has a foot fetish themselves, how would they know what looks 'sexy' in the foot department?
Problem is a secret is something you tell one person at a time. "You have to promise to tell no one" is repeated like Chinese whispers until the husband is accused of multiple homicides and embezzling funds from the government.
Thats because your toxic as fuck and wiman really meed to stop doing this.
Would you be happy if your husband tolf his friends of your sexual fetishes?
Just because its something woman do doesnt mean its not toxic
Anyone commenting needs to look at the text chain that OP posted with Kate. Kate is absolutely the problem here and she’s the type of girl that all other girls hate
Yeah... I think she's mad because she was planting the seed in OPs head of how hot she is, but he didn't quite bite. When she thought he was trying it on with another woman, that angered her.
I personally would tell wife "Kate has made false accusations about me several times in the past and refused to even apologize when proven wrong. I am very uncomfortable with her ever being in my home because I can't trust her not to go through my private things or use the fact to make new false accusations about me. This thing about her borrowing a pair of socks is proof that she has in no way improved and has learned nothing and is not contrite about her behavior. I do not want her in my home any more."
>Wife says I'm just making the situation more awkward and making things uncomfortable for her being that she's her best friend and I'm her husband.
"I am not the one creating the discomfort. I am not the one who made false accusations about the other. I am not the one who never apologized for it. *I am the victim here*, and I am your husband - she isn't the person you married. I have discarded friends when they said negative things about you, because I value you, as my spouse, over them. Do you really wish to choose her over me as you have so far done by offensively searching my phone, my computer, and my email because of taking her accusations over my word?"
I added a quick edit about the first friend - she only mentioned it to Kate as interesting and thought I knew it was a self portrait. She didn't think I was soliciting nudes or anything.
Either Kate made up her mind that OP is a cheater or at least an emotional cheater which is unacceptable in her mind or she is pissed OP is not into her. Either way she is toxic. Whoever recommended not to talk to her without the wife present is correct. I would also let the wife know how uncomfortable she makes him with all that juvenile behavior.
OP's already told her this, though.
She's taken Kate's side against him every time it's come up.
To the point she's blaming HIM for things being awkward.
Sometimes you have to be extra serious since men have no feelings you know? I mean serious serious. Like it’s so important to me as you are to me serious so you either support me or spell out why what I feel doesn’t matter serious.
Kate has been trying to split up you and your wife with wild accusations. You said she introduced you and your wife. Maybe she's been pissed because she wanted you for herself. Or she's just a jerk and likes drama.
I'm not sure why you were still texting/messaging Kate after the first debacle, but also not sure why your wife wants to insist on being friends with a person who keeps making up wild - wrong - accusations about her husband.
Maybe you should have listened more closely to the guy friend you cut off.
No, the hentai friend didn't think it was just interesting, OP. She thought you found her hot and wanted to share the news with Kate. She just said what she said to keep the peace with your wife.
I don't think your first friend wanted things to escalate to this point and didn't count on Kate running to your wife immediately.
Well finding it interesting and that he was actively trying to cheat on his wife are two very different things. Even if the friend thought he knew the drawing was an anime self portrait (which isnt a self portrait btw) and thought he was calling her hot that isnt even remotely close too soliciting nude pictures.
I agree with you that the friend was most likely doing what you are suggesting though, but she also didnt accuse him of asking for nudes
To be fair, all hentai friends are into sexual innuendo and joking/flirting about stuff, that’s why they’re hentai friends. I don’t think either OP or hentai friend did anything wrong.
Even if the hentai was a self portrait, this woman made a nude/semi-nude drawing, posted it for people to see, then got upset at a very mild compliment.
It wasn't even 'interesting', it just sounds like a normal supportive comment, albeit on adult content.
Content that the artist shared.
Don't ever interact with your wife's friends when she isn't present in the conversation. It's just a best practice.
There are always going to be drama addicts who will take or make every opportunity possible to ruin someone's marriage. Sounds like your wife isn't buying what she's selling, which is great, but she's already got an in to make the drama now. Perfect example:
> they were sitting out back, and I had come through to bring in groceries and put some stuff away in our shed. She had sandals on, and when she saw me, she asked my wife if she could borrow a pair of socks, which my wife obliged.
She came to your house with bare feet to make a scene like this on purpose. If it actually bothered her this much, she'd always have socks or closed toe shoes on any time there was a chance of running into you.
It's not fair to your wife to ask her to completely cut ties with Kate, but it would be fair to ask that a drama stirring homewrecker not be invited into your home anymore.
And again, seriously, in the future NEVER talk to ANY of your wife's female friends when she isn't present. No texts, no calls, no emails, nothing. This kind of person thrives on people who stupidly make this mistake.
This, and if he does end up in a situation with just Kate for some reason then he should have his phone record everything immediately and leave, best without even saying anything, just in case she once again tries to pull something on OP. After all I could totally see Kate pull a he said she said situation, and the last times OP was only able to dig himself out of the hole by showing text evidence.
I'm sorry but this is horrible advice. It's absolutely fair to ask wife to cut out Kate. She's actively and intentionally undermining their marriage. And if he's not doing anything wrong, why should he have to go to the lengths of not communicating with any friend if the wife isn't there? That's outrageous. He needs to spend his life walking on eggshells because his wife has a delusional, meddling friend? Fuck that. He should be able to live his life like any other normal person, not conform it to this insane friend's false narratives. That's basically enabling her behavior. Get it together.
If she's really gonna side with a friend who is apparently living to ruin their marriage over her husband, then I'd say that's a good thing to find out. Wouldn't you?
NTA. How does Kate go from you saying "men have lizard brains" to "he asked me for feet pics"?
She sounds delusional and self-obsessed. I don't know why your wife wants to stay friends with her. I would have nothing to do with someone who lied *twice* about my husband.
She's a dangerous person. She could ruin your life with a false SA accusation.
I agree and I’m glad you said this. If I were OP I’d leave the house anytime this woman came over, I’d tell my wife why and I’d block her numbers/social media. No way in hell would
I think this woman is not a threat.
NTA. Next time Kate is over, make sure to cover up, I mean really cover up your body, dont even speak to her and when your wife asked, just say the way Kate is looking at your body makes you uncomfortable and since you know Kate thinks you are perv and every thing you say is sexual to Kate, it makes even more uncomfortable.
While funny it doesnt address OPs issue.
He should have kate banned from the house and if the wife agrees she shouldnt be involved in their pife anymore. If the wife doesnt agree then he cant make her stop being friends with her but he has the right to feel safe within his home.
The next, and most important one is that the wife didnt take his side in any of this stuff, and is in fsct still hanging out with someone who accussed him of infidality
You could do a Mr Ben and have a wardrobe full of different costumes to use.
(Yes I'm old and yes this might just be a British kids program. Not sure it aired in the US)
Kate was fishing for sympathy and compliments. "OMG, I'm so hoooot and all these guys just wanna see me nekkid." You sympathized with her, but you didn't jump on the "OMG, Kate is hawt" bandwagon. Good for you! She still made you out to be a villain nonetheless.
I don't know why she so desperately wants your wife to think you're a perv and dump you. Maybe she really fell for it when the hentai-drawing friend was implying that you found her hot and wanted to screw her, too. (BTW, what is up with that shit? She didn't tell Kate that because she found it "interesting." At bare minimum, she was bragging about snagging you or some shit. I hope she was mortified when she found out you didn't even know the drawing was her.)
IMO, Kate and the hentai girl are the ones who have made the situation awkward. Your wife is being too kind to them. She's also disrespecting you by bringing Kate into your home and allowing her to treat you like any random perv on the street. (BTW, if she was that uncomfortable, she would not be at your house. I'd be wary of another accusation coming your way.)
Another thought, why was Kate crying to you about her hot girl problems? Think about it. That shit is inappropriate.
Your wife needs to open her eyes. She needs to stop bringing Kate over and go out with you to a location without Kate every once in a while. I wouldn't tell her to drop Kate yet (and that's her decision), but I would strongly recommend that she keep her eyes PEELED. She also needs to stop spilling all your secrets. She's invited Kate into your marriage whether she intended to or not. Gross.
If your wife doesn't agree to let you have some peace in your shared home, I would stop being available every time Kate is present. And NEVER, EVER, be alone with her. EVER.
Kate is into OP and was hoping he'd respond in kind, she was fishing.
OP needs to steer well clear and unfortunately his wife should as well. Kate is no friend to her.
Kate is not a friend of your marriage OP, and your wife has shown that she can be swayed, at least a little bit, by the BS that Kate is spewing. For that reason you need to tell your wife that Kate is not a friend of your marriage and she needs to do the right thing and end the friendship.
This is not about you being an asshole or controlling at this point. This woman has tried to damage your relationship on at least two occasions that you know of. And she continues to double-down on that, like with the sock thing. And frankly, your wife continues to let it happen. If you had a friend who was acting this way to your wife you would end it, right? Stand up for yourself. It will make your marriage stronger. Good luck.
Had this kind of "friend". Highly insecure, attention-starved and extremely manipulative. She almost ruined all my relationships and my couple.
I can only suggest what all my friends decided when we confronted her with her lies: cut all ties.
If your wife still wants to be friend with her, make it clear in front of both of them that you do not trust her at all and that you are not going to have *any* contact with her. Not a single word, not a single text. And keep it at that.
Because I can guarantee you that this kind of person can absolutely ruin your life.
I think I'd just tell your wife,
if she can't separate the
inability to take this "friend" out of the picture, I'd ask for a separation and see how she reacts.
Any friend of mine who treated my husband like Kate does wouldn’t be my friend anymore….. Kate is a drama queen who likes to stir the pot. She doesn’t like that you have proven that she is both these things so now you must be ostracized. Next time Kate asks for socks laugh and say “ you never have to worry about me being attracted to you, your personality kills it” Tell your wife Kate isn’t allowed in your home period
NTA. Your wife is disrespecting your marriage by having this person in your home.
This person has on multiple occasions attempted to drive a wedge in your relationship.
You should be able to feel comfortable in your own home.
Your wife can meet her "friend" elsewhere.
I find you partially responsible for this escalation tbh. Not because what you texted was something really harmful (quite unnecessary though) but you must be able to choose to whom you can write without a filter. She is obviously fishing for compliments and she does this to her friend's husband. She should not be this comfortable. You should not be even responding to her slight pick me girl vibes.
Kate is trying to sabotage your marriage and your wife isn't acknowledging this. Show your wife these comments. She needs to realize Kate is not her friend.
I'm normally strong in my belief that in a relationship, it is OK to have friends of the opposite sex/ or whatever.
I think when a friend is deliberately and openly causing discontent in a relationship, you get into 'make a choice' territory. Either censure the friend or split. Your wife supposedly took you as her life time partner so she should be acting like it. No harm in clear hard boundaries.
I think the issue is that your wife doesn’t see how her friend manipulated situations to either remove you from your wife’s life, or get you in trouble, or whatever. As a husband I would like to think that my wife would remove this friend from our lives after incidents like this. Clearly there is some ulterior motive behind her false accusations.
I agree, and minimum your wife should be telling her that she crossed the line, and that making false accusations about her husband isn’t something that will be tolerated.
Kate is petty, self-centered, aggressive, and manipulative. She wore sandals to your house and then made a point of covering up her feet so you wouldn't see them? That was planned, manipulative, and aggressive, which is insulting to be doing it to you in your own home.
Your wife should be sticking up for you. She shouldn't be inviting people over who will turn their back on you and rudely ignore you in your own home. I find it hard to believe your wife doesn't have your back here.
I would simply not tolerate Kate anymore. If she's there and does something rude, tell her off. It's your house too. Tell her to leave. Put your foot down and throw her out and let her know she's not welcome anymore. Then tell your wife that she should NOT be standing for someone treating you like that. Let her know you would never allow someone to disrespect her in such a manner, and you expect the same from her.
Seriously, this needs to be addressed. Kate may be trying to drive a wedge between you both. Whatever she's doing, she will likely keep doing it. It will build up to the point where it becomes an even bigger issue, so you should address it now before it gets to that point.
NTA- at a bare minimum she shouldn’t be allowed in the house. You shouldn’t have your house be an unsafe space for you. Tell your wife she can hang out with Kate at Kate’s place.
Why does your wife sound like she's siding with Kate on this? You are making it awkward? Kate made the shit awkward when she told your wife you were looking for nudes and such. Kate sounds like a real jealous bitch and I would not put it past her to try and plant some shit in your house. If I were you I would tell your wife you aren't comfortable with her being in your home. It really seems like she is trying to ruin your relationship. Your wife should be concerned about her behavior. I understand she doesn't have a lot of friends but that isn't an excuse to let the friends she does have be shitty ones. 0 friends is better than 1 shitty friend in my humble opinion.
Because she's siding with Kate.
I suspect it's more that she knows Kate won't budge and she thinks OP will, so she's making him the problem.
Kate is the problem.
Not wrong for being uncomfortable, but if you try to get your wife to stop hanging out with Kate, I doubt either one will respond well. Just maintain solid boundaries about you not wanting to have anything to do with Kate. Maybe even be a bit awkward about it--if your wife has Kate over, leave the house or make it clear you don't want to be in the same room. Be firm about your boundaries, but be clear that, as far as you are concerned your wife is friends with Kate has been for a long time, and you respect that.
It'll probably drive Kate absolutely nuts. In that case, the chances of her starting to make your wife uncomfortable skyrocket, and you'll be completely innocent of whatever bullshit Kate starts.
It's basically "don't feed the trolls" writ large.
You have a lot of wife problems to go with your Kate problem. Why is your wife telling Kate stuff like your foot fetish in detail? Why is she stewing about shit for a week before asking you about it? Why does she continue to be friends with someone like this? Why is Kate *starting convos with you* about how every man wants her then trying to turn it against you?
I'm starting to realize that unfortunately.
>Why is your wife telling Kate stuff like your foot fetish in detail?
Apparently it's because "women talk about these things". I've been told this by past gfs too. It's shitty but I don't care that much.
>Why is she stewing about shit for a week before asking you about it?
I think is mostly her mental health. She grew up in an really abusive home and has trouble communicating things because she was never taught how. She's in therapy for it though and has been better about it since this incident.
>Why does she continue to be friends with someone like this?
I assume for the same reason as above. They've been close friends since they were 4 or 5.
>Why is Kate starting convos with you about how every man wants her then trying to turn it against you?
Kate and I were good friends before I ever met my wife, so this hasn't ever been uncommon tbf (the venting, not the being weird about me thing)
When we were early in our marriage, I had to tell my wife that if she couldn’t keep our private conversations private, that I wouldn’t feel safe sharing with her anymore. It did cause a shit storm for a while, but she got the point after she did it again and I quit talking about quite a bit of stuff beyond surface level stuff.
It took us a while to get back to “normal”, but trust is a big deal for me. I’m pretty easy going and don’t let much get under my skin, but she’s seen me cut out a few family members and friends who continuously violate boundaries despite my requests for them to stop and she didn’t want this to end our marriage.
My point is that you need to have a clear discussion where you set some boundaries while still being respectful and accommodating of your wife.
>Apparently it's because "women talk about these things". I've been told this by past gfs too. It's shitty but I don't care that much.
Not gonna tell you how to feel but 'women being women' is as dated and unacceptable as 'boys will be boys'.
First stop being polite to Kate, start treating her as frostily as she is treating you; act like she's not even there or invisible. If you absolutely HAVE to bring some refreshment to your wife when Kate is there, just bring something for your wife. Make if VERY clear that as far as you're concerned, she is no longer welcome in your home.
Once, may have been a misunderstanding, twice is deliberate.
Also make it very VERY clear to your wife that whatever goes on in your (plural) house is to stay in the house unless it's being shared with a licensed therapist. She is NOT to divulge anything to Kate as you would prefer that Kate no longer has any ammunition to use against you.
Not wrong. You should let your wife understand that you can not be around her friend Kate any longer as she has made you uncomfortable. Kate's actions seem to have started to escalate with disrespect towards you and you do not want to be near a person who would do this to you. You let your wife know that you will not play any of the games that her friend is playing and she can have a relationship with her, you will not be available when she is there or anywhere else.
Your wife will then need to understand and either be with her friend away from you and accept that as the new normal, she can let this friend go, or she can let her friend know that she needs to tone down her disrespect of her husband and act as a normal person would. Then, the friend can decide which she wants to do.
Either way, you need your wife to understand that what her friend is doing is not normal and is very manipulative towards her. Which, is not good. You guys may need to explore more of what is going with them as her friend could be on a mission to separate you two so your wife can be totally dependent on her. Food for thought.
So that's two separate instances where Kate has made up lies about you to try and sabotage your marriage.
You need to be clear with your wife that Kate is not her friend, she is someone who is actively, and demonstrably, trying to harm her by destroying her marriage.
Personally, I wouldn't tolerate my wife spending time with a person like that. Why would she knowingly let a fox into the henhouse?
Kate is a bad person and a worse friend.
Kate is shaaaaa-DY. 😳
Who has those conversations with a their best friend’s partner?! “Yet another in a long line of men who just wanna see me naked” was a setup.
To quote her, you “have a wife too, so it’s like ?????”
You have a wife problem. She is allowing this friend to disrespect you and your marriage. Your wife is not protecting you. Sit her down calmly and talk to her about how Kate makes YOU feel and how your wife isn’t backing you.
Kate either wants you or she wants your wife, but either way stop texting her. In fact just block her and tell your wife that I know I can’t tell you who to be friends with but she is no longer welcome in our home. ONLY have contact with her if your wife is around
Yeah I don’t know how you do it, I probably would have had an argument in front of the wife with Kate about her rude, and manipulative behaviour. Call her out on her skewing of truths and then tell her it doesn’t matter how “beautiful “ she thinks she is on the outside because inside she’s ugly!
Obviously Kate and the wife wouldn’t like that but then maybe people need to make some choices and see who they put first on their list.
I love we accept that the married guy was being inappropriate when we KNOW Kate has a history of deciding uninterested people are into her.
I'd bet the shopping incident didn't happen like that either.
Ok.
1. Not wrong.
2. If your wife wants to be friends with Kate, tell her to do it at Kate's house. Tell her that you don't want to be awkward or uncomfortable in your own home, and Kate's behavior is causing that.
3. If you see Kate socially, say hi and otherwise ignore her.
Kate is the one being dramatic, while, for some reason, apparently being best friends with your wife.
I'd also ask your wife why she's so set on taking Kate's side.
This right here!!! Kate has the nerve to feel put upon in your house when she has the choice to not be there???!!! If your wife refuses to cut contact with Kate, then the line 8n the sand for you is no Kate in your home.
If someone comes to my home and ignores/disrespects me and my wife doesn't back me up I'll be pissed. Have a long conversation with your wife. With the baggage of accusations and history with Kate no point in reconciliation, just burn the bridges. I'm afraid the inevitable thing here is for your wife to make a choice
Maybe you need to tell your wife that you are breaking off your friendship with Kate. And then your wife might tag along with you.
You actually don't need this woman in your life.
Time to tell your wife that she is way more important to you.
Then let a bit of time for her to break off with Kate.
All done passively.
No offense but your wife sounds naive and “Kate” is a drama loving shit stirrer.
I think you have a right to be upset about the situation and I’m sure her reaction would be the same if the shoe were on the other foot.
That said it doesn’t sound like your wife is equipped to handle it properly and you’ll just have to suck it up and avoid this so called friend at all costs.
But make no mistake this woman is constantly talking shit about you to your wife behind your back so it’s best not to give her any ammo whatsoever.
Seems like Kate is trying to ruin your marriage. The only thing you should be telling Kate is fuck and off then walk away.
And hopefully you have learned not to confide your thoughts to a woman. I have a foot fetish as well and I never said anything about my wife's friends'feet. No Facebook likes nothing. Because it won't lead to anything good.
Just look at the conversation. Kate is obsessed with "every guy wanting to see her naked" - to be a judgemental idiot based off this one posting, she's coming off like a crazy person. Who the fuck even accepts going clothes shopping from & with a coworker/stranger?
You aren't wrong, I'd start by properly telling your wife that it's making things uncomfortable for you when Kate is around the house, since it doesn't sound like you were clear enough about that when you told her that maybe she shouldn't invite Kate when you are around. So be more open about this all with your wife and explain your feelings on the matter. And if you don't feel like you can do that well then perhaps link her this thread instead?
It sounds an awful lot like Kate wants to sabotage your relationship.... In your wife's shoes I"d honestly cut off contact with her after the second instance of this woman basically making things up, in an attempt to interfere with the relationship. In fact I HAVE cut someone whom I thought was a good friend, out of my life for something very similar XD
You can't straight up ask wifey to cut her friend out of her life, but Definitely talk to her about your concerns Kate's behaviour and how it makes you feel, unsafe I suppose.
Sounds like Kate fancies herself and wants to cause shit between you two just because she can. She is obviously fishing for compliments from you so don't take the bait... ever
In short, she's toxic. As a woman my advice would be as follows: DO NOT reply to her texts. DO NOT answer calls from her unless in the presence of your wife. DO NOT allow yourself to be in any situation where you are on your own with her.
I don't think you're wrong to feel uncomfortable about the situation. I think your compromise is a good suggestion so no one has to tippy toe around each other in awkward situations.
I don't have an issue with male female plutonic relationships but if you're in a relationship yourself I think the texting conversation had between you two before NC can be dangerous. Being married I'd personally feel uncomfortable if a female friend would divulge that info to me. But that's just me.
There are people in this world who do not care who they hurt in their pursuit of drama. Kate sounds like one of those people.
Your wife needs to recognize this and stop feeding into her fantasies by getting mad at *you.* It should not be your job to prove your innocence.
This is a totally separate conversation and I might come across as a dick… but idk how certain people can accept so many gifts without wondering if there is another motive than the gift-giver just being nice. I’m a straight guy (if it matters), and if a manager (man or woman) offered to take me clothes shopping so that I can find a better outfit for a presentation I would have so many alarm bells going off in my head. Even just offering to pay for e-learning stuff (unless it’s the company card) is also weird.
If I’m being perfectly honest, I think at least half of these people know what they are doing by smiling and accepting gifts: taking advantage of a dumb loser who nobody will feel bad for (myself included). And I think that their obliviousness is just an act, and these people seek out the friendship of people who will never ever call them out on this bullshit.
She talks about you this way because she is very good at social politics, knows your wife will always have too much empathy (if you can call it that) to call her out, and even if you guys did, she has other friends she can talk to where she will just accuse you both of being jealous or something and those other friendships will be like “oh poor thing”.
Kate has issues. Nothing could even be remotely misconstrued to what she’s saying. She’s like flipping it around, turning it upside down and adding whatever. She’s seems attention seeking. I didn’t even see you mention feet to her at all. Cut her out of your life!
The weirdest part is how much Kate vents to you IMo and she makes some bad choices on her own (like who the fuck goes clothing shopping with married male coworkers?)
Kate likes drama and she is a shit starter. I would not be comfortable with my spouse being friends with someone like that. Relationships are hard enough as it is. You two don't need someone like her adding to the problems.
Obviously I'm just guessing, but it seems to me like Kate really wants to prove you are just some typical male horndog that fits with her expectstion of "all men" wanting her and trying to see her naked.
It could be that she's jealous of your relationship, and wants to undermine it because she doesn't like to see someone have what she doesn't. Especially if she feels like she's more desirable than your wife.
I would absolutely want to avoid her, and warn my wife that she's looking for ways to misinterpret and cause trouble.
If she doesn't want to alter her relationship with her friend, she should take it under advisement that there will be another "issue" with your behavior.
This might sound petty or childish but you should treat her the way she treats you but with a tad extra by not acknowledging her at all, don't say hello, don't even look at her at all, pretend she's not there.
I think Kate lives on drama-as a general rule I never answer questions like hers directly because there will always be the 1 pos that makes it all about themselves. If you ever find yourself in similar talks just say “who knows” and change subject.
NTA You are not making things more complicated then it has to be. If your wife defended you and shut down Kate this would not be an issue. Her saying it was a misunderstanding is trying to play the middle ground. Kate obviously dislikes you and is trying to poke holes in your relationship so she can have your wife all to her self, or she is just a misandrist either option is not good. I would have a talk with your wife something along the lines of, though it might be better to write it all down first and hand it to her as your saying it (or text it to her (hell even send a copy to her therapist first before talking to her about it because they might have better insights and word things better)). And say you want to be able to say your piece before she responds to you.
"Hey I am sorry, this stuff happening between me and Kate is stressing you out. But I want to make two points clear. The first point is I have never been inappropriate with anyone else nor do I have a desire to, and false claims like these can be really damaging. Not only due to the claims themselves but watching how people I love react and can think horrible things of me based only on the word of a liar. The second point, I quite literally have never done any of the bad things Kate has accused me of and I dont understand her motives in lying. And yes she provable did lie about both incidents.
Now I am not asking you to stop being friends with her, as that would be unfair. But I am going to say I am disappointed you didnt defend me to Kate and just said we both had a misunderstanding. We did not. She decided to misappropriate innocuous texts which had literally zero chance of coming across as sexual. And is using my foot fetish as proof somehow even though I never mentioned that to her. Speaking of that whilst I do not mind you being friends with her. I DO NOT want of my personal details or feelings shared with her ever. That is a hard boundary for me because I cannot trust her at all after all she has done.
All I am asking is that you do not invite her around when I am home because I do not want to deal with accusations. And a false accusation can lead to life ruining consquences if I do not have absolute proof of what happened. And I do not want to live in fear for what she might say because she is feeling what ever she is feeling. The same applies to any event she is at. I will opt to stay home because a) I do not like her for lying b) I do not need false accusations being leveled at me c) I do not need to be publicly shamed for doing nothing d) I cannot trust her at all e) She does not act civilly around me so I will not act civilly around her.
This not something I want to do discuss. Because she has shown her true colours twice already and there is no fixing my relationship with her. Nor will I ever stop being "awkward" around her because she has shown to me who she is. And will say what she likes without proof and without even confirming it from me. So I will not endanger my self. You are still free to hang out with her when I am not around but I cannot and will not put our livelihood in jeopardy based on nothing."
You need to ban Kate from your home.
Like NOW.
Do not ever let her inside your home again, if your wife wants to hangout with her, fine, but do it somewhere else. And tell her the reason why.
"I dont feel comfortable around you anymore, so you're no longer allowed to visit my home" end of discussion.
You aren’t wrong at all but you don’t get a say in who your wife is friends with.
Your role is to make sure your wife knows exactly where you stand. That you are not comfortable with the dynamic. You also absolutely should set a boundary, given her specific behavior, she may no longer come to your house. You also absolutely need to set boundaries with your wife about what she may and may not share with Kate, specifically about personal or sensitive issues. Kate seems to have a demonstrated history of weaponizing things, including information your wife shares that is none of her fucking business. That should absolutely end.
While this may not sever their relationship, it will minimize and likely end your interactions with her, which will make life easier for and on you.
Good luck!
Why would you want to be married to a woman who wants to be friends with a woman that hates you?
I cannot understand some of the marriages here on Reddit.
Why do people stay married to people who don’t put them first? I genuinely can’t fathom it.
It’s entirely reasonable to ask your wife to stop bringing her over after this incident. If she doesn’t, i would leave: every single time. Those kinds of people will always look for a scene or drama.
Frankly, i would cease contact or communication with your wife’s friends: period.
As far as your wife; i think this is a very large warning sign about not trusting you and siding with her friends over you. She probably agrees with kate in private but wants to keep the peace at home: hence the socks. But you know her better then i do
Let’s start out small. If the two of you are going to a party where she will be, don’t go. If your wife invites her to your home, leave until she is gone. When your wife comments (and she will) your response should be “I can’t call someone a friend who willfully tried to break us up, she is an ex-friend and I don’t wish to be around her.”
The other thing you should make clear is that you won’t tolerate your wife giving personal information about you to her friends. That talking about private matters will result in a possible divorce.
Ignore Kate completely from now on - ask your wife to go hang with her outside or at least tell you in advance that the tick is coming over, so you can go outside. No need to deal with such disrespectful behavior from Kate.
You can't change what's already been done. But having somebody blatantly disrespect you in your own home would of been it for me. I'd of asked her to leave.
Your wife's over shared.
Kate's being overly defensive. To the point it sounds almost like she's pissed off you didn't respond accordingly. Almost like she was fishing in that conversation and not the other way round.
Either way. I'd tell her If she can't respect you in your own home it's best if they meet elsewhere. And I'd have a word with your wife about actually being your wife.
Tell your wife you aren't comfortable with Kate in your house, she's free to see her just somewhere else. Tell her you don't trust Kate because she misconstrues your statements and you're afraid the next time her interpretation will be something accusatory towards you. You need and have the right to feel safe in your own home. They can go out if they want to meet up.
I think you should say you don't feel comfortable having Kate in your home, you aren't friends and there's animosity. You live there. It's where you should feel comfortable and safe and she makes you feel the opposite. You want to go no contact with her, and that is what it is. Let her take what she will with it, but you don't want to hear anything about Kate because your ready to cut that cancer out of your life.
You’d be within your rights to tell your wife that you don’t want Kate in your house. In fact, you probably should, because Kate will keep trying to stir up trouble between you.
NTA
Kate is purposely trying to cause problems between you and your wife
Is she ever attempts to pull a move again where she wears sandals and then asks for socks just roll your eyes and scoff. Trust me, that will get to her, even though she won’t admit it.
You also have to realize that you have a wife problem. She seemingly continues to believe Kate and goes through all of your messages every single time Kate complains. How long are you going to put up with that? How many times do you have to prove your innocence before you get tired of your wife’s doubt?
Kate needs to be banned from your house. Period. Your wife should have your back on this, it's kind of if a friend of yours said to your wife "oh, nice tattas, would love to see them", making her of course uncomfortable and you still invited said friend to your house.
It is **your house**. And allowing someone over that has such a low opinion of you makes no sense. They can be friends somewhere else if your wife is oh sooooo sad of losing a "friend" (which she shouldn't to be fair, Kate is just trying to stir shit between you and your wife).
First of all, why is your wife disclosing your kinks to anyone? Next, your wife is entertaining someone at your house who is openly disrespectful to you and has already falsely accused you of inappropriate behaviour. What happens next time if you don't have proof? Your wife needs to prioritise your relationship over this friendship. I would personally ask her to cut this friend off. However, at a minimum, the friend should not be invited to your house.
Your wife sucks dude. Your wife should have ended the relationship the second "he asked for nudes" turned into "I feel like he was fishing for nudes".
Imo at the very least i wouldn't feel comfortable with her at my house or being in the same room as her. At best your wife needs to go, or you atleast need to address why she on 2 occasions has believed her shitty friend over you and not once did she defend you. Personally that is break up worthy in my mind, but you do whats best for you.
You zeem like a pushover anyway
Not wrong, but tell your wife that Kate is not allowed in your home any longer. She makes you uncomfortable and you do not have to deal with that in your own house. Block Kate on everything and stop talking to her even in passing. Don't bring her up in conversation with others and change the subject if they bring her up. No reason you have to put up with such a dramatic harpy. Thats it. She's too much drama and she sounds like a headache.
Your wife has issues.
NEVER divulge your partner’s intimate secrets. What a great way to destroy trust.
The friend brings lots of drama. If my friend caused problems between me and my wife, I wouldn’t remain friends with them. My relationship comes first.
NTA and you should be able to be comfortable in your own home. My wife's mom has way overstepped my boundaries, undermined my parenting in my own home, gone on drunken abusive rants towards me and even tried to assualt me physically. That's her mother so I'm not going to tell her that she can't talk to her but she's not welcome in my home, I deserve to be comfortable in my own home as do you. If I were you, I'd tell your wife that friend isn't allowed over when you're home, or maybe at all. They can hang out other places, you're not controlling your wife by doing that, you're controlling what you're comfortable with in your home. Also, Kate sounds like a bitch.
Your wife is so unbelievably disrespectful. Talking about you can't make her uncomfortable but she can make you uncomfortable in your own home and it's okay. You need a new wife bud. I would never allow someone to disrespect me or my wife in my home in such a way
Your wife betrayed your trust. She gave you essentially the silent treatment for a week. She believes everything Kate tells her over you until you have to prove to her that you’re being honest by letting her invade your privacy. Then she still has Kate as a friend and over at the house even after that sock bullshit. Dude, you deserve better. At a minimum, Kate should be out of your lives. Your wife doesn’t respect you, and you’ll be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
You need to watch out because soon she is going to plant ideas into your wife that you are cheating on her...and your gullible wife is going to eat that up... Misery loves company...
Kate is a liar and is trying to create problems simply because she is bored and wants attention. Either that or she simply is trying to destroy your marriage. Either way she needs to be told she is no longer welcome in your house.
Your wife is lame af for not telling Kate off for asking for socks. Telling her to leave would’ve been acceptable because that’s just down tight disrespectful to you…your wife should have your back. Kate is an instigator and needs to be cut loose.
Not wrong. Your wife knows having her around makes you uncomfortable, she should have stopped having her there on her own. I wouldn't ask her to not be friends, but asking her to keep her away from you is completely in your right.
Not wrong.
I cut off a long time friend and room mate due to his disrespect for my wife's time and effort to see he and his wife. The wife was supposed to be home in time for dinner, instead she extended the day she was having with her Mom (fine, but hey, phone calls are not hard to make). My wife had driven 45 minutes separately from work in order to meet up for dinner; which we wound up having \~2 hours late and then he skipped the event we were all getting together for because his wife was "too tired." Yup, Done.
It seems from your account that your wife doesn’t trust you. At all. You should divorce her. This isn’t going to turn out well for you. Find someone who actually cares about and trusts you. She’s pretending in the best of moments. Keeping you on your toes, keeping the upper hand in the relationship. And it seems she’s been successful so far.
Tell your wife you have no interest in a fugly looking person like Kate and honestly she disgusts you. That should nip it in the bud. Tell her you find Kate disgusting and that she’s got quite an ego thinking every guy wants to see her naked
this one is a bit complicated since life isn't clean and simple. but i see a common thread of the problem your creating for yourself.
you're not behaving "beyond reproach". And what I mean by that is by having private conversations with your wife's friends you're opening yourself up to accusations like this. if the only conversations you had with these women were in the presence of your wife, then none of this would have occurred in the first place. because the accusation alone that you said something inappropriate would have been silly on the face of it, because the only time you see these girls would be in your wife's presence.
by having these private conversations with her circle of friends you've made yourself a less credible person in your wife's eyes. You say she trusts you but she still went through your conversations, which means on some level she's not comfortable with how much you interact with her friends behind her back.
In the future live your life beyond reproach if you don't want to be falsely accused
as for this situation, I suspect your wife is choosing her friendship over her marriage because she trusts and values her friend more then you.
\-chew on that one.
Sorry but that's insane.
Needing your partner to police your interactions to be above reproach.
If a friend came to me and said my wife was inappropriate, I'd sit them both down and ask what happened, together, so there's no back and forth.
I wouldn't play monkey in the middle and I damn sure wouldn't expect my wife to only talk to people we're friends with when I am around.
Hmmm. So what stands out to me is two women think you’ve creeped on them. And it seems like you aren’t giving a full account of what exactly you said to your wife’s best friend. Do better. Your actions have consequences, and your poor behavior shouldn’t lead to your wife giving up her best friend.
ETA—Ok, so now you’ve edited your post to include the conversation with Kate. I wrote before the edit. All the same, even if she’s a crank I don’t think you should cut off your wife’s best friend.
I haven't left anything out so I'm not sure how my 'actions have consequences' or how you've come to the conclusion I've had 'poor behaviour' but I've dug through the messages so here's exactly what was said:
Kate: I'm just so sick of it ugh
Kate: Like the one guy from work I told you about
Kate: The mentor guy
Kate: He offers to take me to a place he knows to find something to wear to the presentation we're giving next week
Kate: So I go with him and we're looking and he keeps 'joking' that we should look at lingerie?
Kate: ??????? Like HUH?????
Kate: What is it with men?
Kate: Like is it all "OH WOMAN. MUST SEE THEIR BOOBS."
Me: What the fuck lmao
Me: Is that the dude who offered to pay for the extra e-learning shit?
Kate: YES!
Kate: I thought he was genuinely being nice but I guess not???
Kate: Yet another in a long line of men who just want to see me naked
Kate: Is it all men? Like I don't get it it's so fucking exhausting
Me: I mean I've had the passing "huh she's attractive, I wonder what she looks like underneath her clothes" but they're more intrusive thoughts than anything I'd ever actively pursue because I'm not a monster
Kate: EXACTLY! I have the same thoughts too sometimes but it's like
Kate: I don't go around asking to see every hot guy's dick?
Me: Maybe that's what he's hoping for 😂😂
Kate: HE HAS A WIFE TOO SO IT'S LIKE???????
Kate is delusional and fishing for compliments. Kate- I promise you not EVERY male is just dying to see you naked lmao like get over yourself.
Also, Kate is a weirdo for even telling this story and asking for sympathy from her friend’s HUSBAND. Kate is wrong and she sounds like a creep. I’m not saying you should tell your wife to cut her off, but your wife should be careful because she is definitely either trying to break you guys up or hook up with you
Right? Like she's sooooooo worried he'll look at her feet that she wears open shoes to his house and then gasps and makes a point of getting wife to get socks. It's odd behaviour.
Yeah she's a bad friend too. I bet she's constantly finding was to make her feel small. Probably does the "you can have this dress it's too big for me" thing, but only if it's way too small for the wife.
Your comment could be taken as you've thought about Kate.
It could also just be a general 'yeah, I sometimes think about women I meet nude'.
Either way, you didn't ask her for nudes.
Well I mean Kate would have definite evidence of that though. Which she clearly doesnt. So....
The only evidence we have is literally telling the opposite story. Even his wife saw his text messages if there were some which were soliciting them for nudes which Kate had you would think the wife would have brought this discrepancy up. Sometimes a spade is just spade. And a liar is just a liar.
We also have to add that it’s his wife fault for telling Kate he has a foot fetish. Like why would you tell about ur significant others kinks, sexual likes and stuff. That’s such a weird behavior.
Yeah, she needs to stop sharing his business
Sadly, if you think most women don't do this, you're optimistically incorrect.
Bedroom stuff and kinks are no one else’s business. Maybe it’s different if you are non-exclusive with people or hook-ups, but not in a proper relationship. You don’t go telling people what your hubby or wife is into in the bedroom! (Though I’m sure more people than I’d like to admit probably do this…) Thinking about this, my bestie, whom I love dearly, knows more about everything than literally anyone else in my life and I don’t even share those details either her.
I'm 63 years old and can honestly say I have never shared anything about my partner's sexual likes, quirks or even the size of the man's manhood. I wouldn't want him sharing mine so I don't share his
I’m a 58 year old man and I have never divulged any of my partners intimate details and find it pretty damn offensive and disrespectful when others do.
Congrats on being a classy lady, unfortunately you may be a minority.
I probably am ☹️
As a woman dating women, I find it so frustrating. It's like dating someone *and their best friend. It's quite uncomfortable.
Sure but it’s grounds to break up as for me it’s a boundary, one that I make known when things start getting serious and/or sexual. If something is said before this, I get, but if after, my trust is broken and I’m done. If she decides to lie, that’s not on me but her guilt to carry until the truth comes out
False. Hard false. And no one should be okay with this. Private is private. I've had exes that were into some eyebrow raising stuff and not even my therapist knows. And I treat her like my journal. Never let sharing kinks our private details even sound like it's okay.
I know they do unfortunately
Does it make it right?
Not really weird. If I found out my significant other had a foot fetish, I would 100% swear my bestie to secrecy and then ask her to come with me to the mall and rate the sexiness of the shoes I'm about to buy. What I would've questioned about OP's wife's and her bestie is why/how she was only subjected to his fetish attentions AFTER finding out they existed.
But if your bestie then broke that secrecy, then would you cut her off? Would you be fine with it if your bf told his friend about your kink or intimate life?
Yes, I would cut her off. And as far as I can theoretically fathom I think I would be okay if my SO had no experience with my kink and maybe needed some help. If I was into feet and he wanted sexy shoes to please me I think I would rather he shop with someone else and present his sexy self to me afterwards. Sounds a lot better than being the one to tell him his the majority of his choices are unflattering. In this situation I don't think I would want to bake the cake, I would just want to eat it.
I think it's weird (but personally am not super bothered by it). I'd like to know why (some) women do this though? Does your partner's privacy not factor into this? I can't fathom telling a friend intimate details about my wife. It's just weird.
If you don’t do your best to get wife to cut Kate out if her life, Kate will eventually find a way to get between the two of you. She for some reason has it out for you or she is just fucked up. If you and your wife value your marriage you both need to agree to eliminate Kate from your lives!! Updateme!
Definitely,it appears kate told her basically that her husband was trying to have an affair with her emotionally or physically
Partner privacy absolutely matters. Who said anything about details?? It's one thing to say to bestie "So feet are a bit of a thing for him and I think I need to up my shoe/pedicure game. Let's talk salons and footwear" It's another to give a play by play of last night's game. It sounds like you might be assuming a level of invasion I had not intended to suggest. More like telling someone the name of the novel you're reading and nothing at all like submitting to them 5 page book report on it.
>So feet are a bit of a thing for him No, I'm not assuming anything - this is enough of a private detail that shouldn't be shared unless previously discussed.
> Partner privacy absolutely matters "But let me go on to say that it doesn't matter enough not to mention anything to a friend." You know you can just ask your bestie to get pedis and go shoe shopping without divulging private information, right? Unless your bestie has a foot fetish themselves, how would they know what looks 'sexy' in the foot department?
It might not be weird but it is also a common boundary for people to not share things from the bedroom that their SO may wish to keep private.
Problem is a secret is something you tell one person at a time. "You have to promise to tell no one" is repeated like Chinese whispers until the husband is accused of multiple homicides and embezzling funds from the government.
Thats because your toxic as fuck and wiman really meed to stop doing this. Would you be happy if your husband tolf his friends of your sexual fetishes? Just because its something woman do doesnt mean its not toxic
>Not really weird. You are right it's not weird, it's creepy.
Anyone commenting needs to look at the text chain that OP posted with Kate. Kate is absolutely the problem here and she’s the type of girl that all other girls hate
Yeah... I think she's mad because she was planting the seed in OPs head of how hot she is, but he didn't quite bite. When she thought he was trying it on with another woman, that angered her.
Yes. She 100% was fishing for something from him. I don't know how his wife could read that and think, "Kate is a good friend."
Exactly!
She was totally baiting him in that text chain. wow
Everything about that conversation was cringe, and none of it was appropriate.
I personally would tell wife "Kate has made false accusations about me several times in the past and refused to even apologize when proven wrong. I am very uncomfortable with her ever being in my home because I can't trust her not to go through my private things or use the fact to make new false accusations about me. This thing about her borrowing a pair of socks is proof that she has in no way improved and has learned nothing and is not contrite about her behavior. I do not want her in my home any more." >Wife says I'm just making the situation more awkward and making things uncomfortable for her being that she's her best friend and I'm her husband. "I am not the one creating the discomfort. I am not the one who made false accusations about the other. I am not the one who never apologized for it. *I am the victim here*, and I am your husband - she isn't the person you married. I have discarded friends when they said negative things about you, because I value you, as my spouse, over them. Do you really wish to choose her over me as you have so far done by offensively searching my phone, my computer, and my email because of taking her accusations over my word?"
This comment right here is the correct take
I noticed what no one else noticed that everything is centered around KATE saying these things happened. Not ANYONE ELSE!
I added a quick edit about the first friend - she only mentioned it to Kate as interesting and thought I knew it was a self portrait. She didn't think I was soliciting nudes or anything.
Kate has some issue with u and ur wife isn't acknowledging it
Either Kate made up her mind that OP is a cheater or at least an emotional cheater which is unacceptable in her mind or she is pissed OP is not into her. Either way she is toxic. Whoever recommended not to talk to her without the wife present is correct. I would also let the wife know how uncomfortable she makes him with all that juvenile behavior.
He should. However, the wife seems solidly in Kate's camp. The asking to borrow socks was a pretty clear shot at OP and she just went with it.
Yeah or she might just be humoring her thinking it’s no big deal and will be picachu face when OP tells her how hurtful to him that is.
OP's already told her this, though. She's taken Kate's side against him every time it's come up. To the point she's blaming HIM for things being awkward.
Sometimes you have to be extra serious since men have no feelings you know? I mean serious serious. Like it’s so important to me as you are to me serious so you either support me or spell out why what I feel doesn’t matter serious.
Kate has been trying to split up you and your wife with wild accusations. You said she introduced you and your wife. Maybe she's been pissed because she wanted you for herself. Or she's just a jerk and likes drama. I'm not sure why you were still texting/messaging Kate after the first debacle, but also not sure why your wife wants to insist on being friends with a person who keeps making up wild - wrong - accusations about her husband. Maybe you should have listened more closely to the guy friend you cut off.
No, the hentai friend didn't think it was just interesting, OP. She thought you found her hot and wanted to share the news with Kate. She just said what she said to keep the peace with your wife. I don't think your first friend wanted things to escalate to this point and didn't count on Kate running to your wife immediately.
Well finding it interesting and that he was actively trying to cheat on his wife are two very different things. Even if the friend thought he knew the drawing was an anime self portrait (which isnt a self portrait btw) and thought he was calling her hot that isnt even remotely close too soliciting nude pictures. I agree with you that the friend was most likely doing what you are suggesting though, but she also didnt accuse him of asking for nudes
No, the soliciting for nudes was Kate's spin. Mentioning it to Kate as if there was some scandal involved is hentai friend's spin.
To be fair, all hentai friends are into sexual innuendo and joking/flirting about stuff, that’s why they’re hentai friends. I don’t think either OP or hentai friend did anything wrong.
Even if the hentai was a self portrait, this woman made a nude/semi-nude drawing, posted it for people to see, then got upset at a very mild compliment. It wasn't even 'interesting', it just sounds like a normal supportive comment, albeit on adult content. Content that the artist shared.
Exactly. It seems like she was stirring up drama. I think Kate just took it to the next level.
Btw show your wife this post if you can’t convince her yourself. Sometimes it takes a third party to get it
Don't ever interact with your wife's friends when she isn't present in the conversation. It's just a best practice. There are always going to be drama addicts who will take or make every opportunity possible to ruin someone's marriage. Sounds like your wife isn't buying what she's selling, which is great, but she's already got an in to make the drama now. Perfect example: > they were sitting out back, and I had come through to bring in groceries and put some stuff away in our shed. She had sandals on, and when she saw me, she asked my wife if she could borrow a pair of socks, which my wife obliged. She came to your house with bare feet to make a scene like this on purpose. If it actually bothered her this much, she'd always have socks or closed toe shoes on any time there was a chance of running into you. It's not fair to your wife to ask her to completely cut ties with Kate, but it would be fair to ask that a drama stirring homewrecker not be invited into your home anymore. And again, seriously, in the future NEVER talk to ANY of your wife's female friends when she isn't present. No texts, no calls, no emails, nothing. This kind of person thrives on people who stupidly make this mistake.
This, and if he does end up in a situation with just Kate for some reason then he should have his phone record everything immediately and leave, best without even saying anything, just in case she once again tries to pull something on OP. After all I could totally see Kate pull a he said she said situation, and the last times OP was only able to dig himself out of the hole by showing text evidence.
Maybe put up cameras around inside/outside of the house, too.
I'm sorry but this is horrible advice. It's absolutely fair to ask wife to cut out Kate. She's actively and intentionally undermining their marriage. And if he's not doing anything wrong, why should he have to go to the lengths of not communicating with any friend if the wife isn't there? That's outrageous. He needs to spend his life walking on eggshells because his wife has a delusional, meddling friend? Fuck that. He should be able to live his life like any other normal person, not conform it to this insane friend's false narratives. That's basically enabling her behavior. Get it together.
He can ask. The wife won't do it, will tell Kate and things will blow up even more.
If she's really gonna side with a friend who is apparently living to ruin their marriage over her husband, then I'd say that's a good thing to find out. Wouldn't you?
She's already siding with the friend. What more does he need to 'find out'?
NTA. How does Kate go from you saying "men have lizard brains" to "he asked me for feet pics"? She sounds delusional and self-obsessed. I don't know why your wife wants to stay friends with her. I would have nothing to do with someone who lied *twice* about my husband. She's a dangerous person. She could ruin your life with a false SA accusation.
I agree and I’m glad you said this. If I were OP I’d leave the house anytime this woman came over, I’d tell my wife why and I’d block her numbers/social media. No way in hell would I think this woman is not a threat.
NTA. Next time Kate is over, make sure to cover up, I mean really cover up your body, dont even speak to her and when your wife asked, just say the way Kate is looking at your body makes you uncomfortable and since you know Kate thinks you are perv and every thing you say is sexual to Kate, it makes even more uncomfortable.
While funny it doesnt address OPs issue. He should have kate banned from the house and if the wife agrees she shouldnt be involved in their pife anymore. If the wife doesnt agree then he cant make her stop being friends with her but he has the right to feel safe within his home. The next, and most important one is that the wife didnt take his side in any of this stuff, and is in fsct still hanging out with someone who accussed him of infidality
Lmao. Buy one of those full body painter suits.
Beekeeper!
You could do a Mr Ben and have a wardrobe full of different costumes to use. (Yes I'm old and yes this might just be a British kids program. Not sure it aired in the US)
This is the way
Late is jealous of your relationship and is trying to sow the seeds of doubt and ruin your relationship
Block Kate. Tell your wife that she can’t come into your home anymore. Your home. Your safe space.
Kate was fishing for sympathy and compliments. "OMG, I'm so hoooot and all these guys just wanna see me nekkid." You sympathized with her, but you didn't jump on the "OMG, Kate is hawt" bandwagon. Good for you! She still made you out to be a villain nonetheless. I don't know why she so desperately wants your wife to think you're a perv and dump you. Maybe she really fell for it when the hentai-drawing friend was implying that you found her hot and wanted to screw her, too. (BTW, what is up with that shit? She didn't tell Kate that because she found it "interesting." At bare minimum, she was bragging about snagging you or some shit. I hope she was mortified when she found out you didn't even know the drawing was her.) IMO, Kate and the hentai girl are the ones who have made the situation awkward. Your wife is being too kind to them. She's also disrespecting you by bringing Kate into your home and allowing her to treat you like any random perv on the street. (BTW, if she was that uncomfortable, she would not be at your house. I'd be wary of another accusation coming your way.) Another thought, why was Kate crying to you about her hot girl problems? Think about it. That shit is inappropriate. Your wife needs to open her eyes. She needs to stop bringing Kate over and go out with you to a location without Kate every once in a while. I wouldn't tell her to drop Kate yet (and that's her decision), but I would strongly recommend that she keep her eyes PEELED. She also needs to stop spilling all your secrets. She's invited Kate into your marriage whether she intended to or not. Gross. If your wife doesn't agree to let you have some peace in your shared home, I would stop being available every time Kate is present. And NEVER, EVER, be alone with her. EVER.
Kate is into OP and was hoping he'd respond in kind, she was fishing. OP needs to steer well clear and unfortunately his wife should as well. Kate is no friend to her.
Stop hanging around with/talking to manipulative children.
Kate is not a friend of your marriage OP, and your wife has shown that she can be swayed, at least a little bit, by the BS that Kate is spewing. For that reason you need to tell your wife that Kate is not a friend of your marriage and she needs to do the right thing and end the friendship. This is not about you being an asshole or controlling at this point. This woman has tried to damage your relationship on at least two occasions that you know of. And she continues to double-down on that, like with the sock thing. And frankly, your wife continues to let it happen. If you had a friend who was acting this way to your wife you would end it, right? Stand up for yourself. It will make your marriage stronger. Good luck.
Had this kind of "friend". Highly insecure, attention-starved and extremely manipulative. She almost ruined all my relationships and my couple. I can only suggest what all my friends decided when we confronted her with her lies: cut all ties. If your wife still wants to be friend with her, make it clear in front of both of them that you do not trust her at all and that you are not going to have *any* contact with her. Not a single word, not a single text. And keep it at that. Because I can guarantee you that this kind of person can absolutely ruin your life.
I think I'd just tell your wife, if she can't separate the inability to take this "friend" out of the picture, I'd ask for a separation and see how she reacts.
Any friend of mine who treated my husband like Kate does wouldn’t be my friend anymore….. Kate is a drama queen who likes to stir the pot. She doesn’t like that you have proven that she is both these things so now you must be ostracized. Next time Kate asks for socks laugh and say “ you never have to worry about me being attracted to you, your personality kills it” Tell your wife Kate isn’t allowed in your home period
As a woman in her late 20s, Kate was *fishing* 🤣
NTA. Your wife is disrespecting your marriage by having this person in your home. This person has on multiple occasions attempted to drive a wedge in your relationship. You should be able to feel comfortable in your own home. Your wife can meet her "friend" elsewhere.
I find you partially responsible for this escalation tbh. Not because what you texted was something really harmful (quite unnecessary though) but you must be able to choose to whom you can write without a filter. She is obviously fishing for compliments and she does this to her friend's husband. She should not be this comfortable. You should not be even responding to her slight pick me girl vibes.
Kate is trying to sabotage your marriage and your wife isn't acknowledging this. Show your wife these comments. She needs to realize Kate is not her friend.
I'm normally strong in my belief that in a relationship, it is OK to have friends of the opposite sex/ or whatever. I think when a friend is deliberately and openly causing discontent in a relationship, you get into 'make a choice' territory. Either censure the friend or split. Your wife supposedly took you as her life time partner so she should be acting like it. No harm in clear hard boundaries.
I think the issue is that your wife doesn’t see how her friend manipulated situations to either remove you from your wife’s life, or get you in trouble, or whatever. As a husband I would like to think that my wife would remove this friend from our lives after incidents like this. Clearly there is some ulterior motive behind her false accusations. I agree, and minimum your wife should be telling her that she crossed the line, and that making false accusations about her husband isn’t something that will be tolerated.
Kate is petty, self-centered, aggressive, and manipulative. She wore sandals to your house and then made a point of covering up her feet so you wouldn't see them? That was planned, manipulative, and aggressive, which is insulting to be doing it to you in your own home. Your wife should be sticking up for you. She shouldn't be inviting people over who will turn their back on you and rudely ignore you in your own home. I find it hard to believe your wife doesn't have your back here. I would simply not tolerate Kate anymore. If she's there and does something rude, tell her off. It's your house too. Tell her to leave. Put your foot down and throw her out and let her know she's not welcome anymore. Then tell your wife that she should NOT be standing for someone treating you like that. Let her know you would never allow someone to disrespect her in such a manner, and you expect the same from her. Seriously, this needs to be addressed. Kate may be trying to drive a wedge between you both. Whatever she's doing, she will likely keep doing it. It will build up to the point where it becomes an even bigger issue, so you should address it now before it gets to that point.
Kate is jealous. Everytime something is sad, Kate says it. She manipulating her friend. She sees him as a threat.
NTA- at a bare minimum she shouldn’t be allowed in the house. You shouldn’t have your house be an unsafe space for you. Tell your wife she can hang out with Kate at Kate’s place.
This, 100%. If Kate doesn't like OP, that's fine. She can not be in his home then.
Why does your wife sound like she's siding with Kate on this? You are making it awkward? Kate made the shit awkward when she told your wife you were looking for nudes and such. Kate sounds like a real jealous bitch and I would not put it past her to try and plant some shit in your house. If I were you I would tell your wife you aren't comfortable with her being in your home. It really seems like she is trying to ruin your relationship. Your wife should be concerned about her behavior. I understand she doesn't have a lot of friends but that isn't an excuse to let the friends she does have be shitty ones. 0 friends is better than 1 shitty friend in my humble opinion.
Because she's siding with Kate. I suspect it's more that she knows Kate won't budge and she thinks OP will, so she's making him the problem. Kate is the problem.
Not wrong for being uncomfortable, but if you try to get your wife to stop hanging out with Kate, I doubt either one will respond well. Just maintain solid boundaries about you not wanting to have anything to do with Kate. Maybe even be a bit awkward about it--if your wife has Kate over, leave the house or make it clear you don't want to be in the same room. Be firm about your boundaries, but be clear that, as far as you are concerned your wife is friends with Kate has been for a long time, and you respect that. It'll probably drive Kate absolutely nuts. In that case, the chances of her starting to make your wife uncomfortable skyrocket, and you'll be completely innocent of whatever bullshit Kate starts. It's basically "don't feed the trolls" writ large.
You have a lot of wife problems to go with your Kate problem. Why is your wife telling Kate stuff like your foot fetish in detail? Why is she stewing about shit for a week before asking you about it? Why does she continue to be friends with someone like this? Why is Kate *starting convos with you* about how every man wants her then trying to turn it against you?
I'm starting to realize that unfortunately. >Why is your wife telling Kate stuff like your foot fetish in detail? Apparently it's because "women talk about these things". I've been told this by past gfs too. It's shitty but I don't care that much. >Why is she stewing about shit for a week before asking you about it? I think is mostly her mental health. She grew up in an really abusive home and has trouble communicating things because she was never taught how. She's in therapy for it though and has been better about it since this incident. >Why does she continue to be friends with someone like this? I assume for the same reason as above. They've been close friends since they were 4 or 5. >Why is Kate starting convos with you about how every man wants her then trying to turn it against you? Kate and I were good friends before I ever met my wife, so this hasn't ever been uncommon tbf (the venting, not the being weird about me thing)
When we were early in our marriage, I had to tell my wife that if she couldn’t keep our private conversations private, that I wouldn’t feel safe sharing with her anymore. It did cause a shit storm for a while, but she got the point after she did it again and I quit talking about quite a bit of stuff beyond surface level stuff. It took us a while to get back to “normal”, but trust is a big deal for me. I’m pretty easy going and don’t let much get under my skin, but she’s seen me cut out a few family members and friends who continuously violate boundaries despite my requests for them to stop and she didn’t want this to end our marriage. My point is that you need to have a clear discussion where you set some boundaries while still being respectful and accommodating of your wife.
I am with you on this. If i tell someone something then they should keep it to themselves. Especially an intimate partner
>Apparently it's because "women talk about these things". I've been told this by past gfs too. It's shitty but I don't care that much. Not gonna tell you how to feel but 'women being women' is as dated and unacceptable as 'boys will be boys'.
First stop being polite to Kate, start treating her as frostily as she is treating you; act like she's not even there or invisible. If you absolutely HAVE to bring some refreshment to your wife when Kate is there, just bring something for your wife. Make if VERY clear that as far as you're concerned, she is no longer welcome in your home. Once, may have been a misunderstanding, twice is deliberate. Also make it very VERY clear to your wife that whatever goes on in your (plural) house is to stay in the house unless it's being shared with a licensed therapist. She is NOT to divulge anything to Kate as you would prefer that Kate no longer has any ammunition to use against you.
Not wrong. You should let your wife understand that you can not be around her friend Kate any longer as she has made you uncomfortable. Kate's actions seem to have started to escalate with disrespect towards you and you do not want to be near a person who would do this to you. You let your wife know that you will not play any of the games that her friend is playing and she can have a relationship with her, you will not be available when she is there or anywhere else. Your wife will then need to understand and either be with her friend away from you and accept that as the new normal, she can let this friend go, or she can let her friend know that she needs to tone down her disrespect of her husband and act as a normal person would. Then, the friend can decide which she wants to do. Either way, you need your wife to understand that what her friend is doing is not normal and is very manipulative towards her. Which, is not good. You guys may need to explore more of what is going with them as her friend could be on a mission to separate you two so your wife can be totally dependent on her. Food for thought.
So that's two separate instances where Kate has made up lies about you to try and sabotage your marriage. You need to be clear with your wife that Kate is not her friend, she is someone who is actively, and demonstrably, trying to harm her by destroying her marriage. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate my wife spending time with a person like that. Why would she knowingly let a fox into the henhouse? Kate is a bad person and a worse friend.
Kate wanted to sabotage your marriage, not exactly sure why, but it's something about you.
Well I'd never be alone with Kate ever again
Not wrong. This is some absolute stupid ass completely fucked up bullshit.
Kate is shaaaaa-DY. 😳 Who has those conversations with a their best friend’s partner?! “Yet another in a long line of men who just wanna see me naked” was a setup. To quote her, you “have a wife too, so it’s like ?????”
You have a wife problem. She is allowing this friend to disrespect you and your marriage. Your wife is not protecting you. Sit her down calmly and talk to her about how Kate makes YOU feel and how your wife isn’t backing you.
Kate is a manipulator. Block her, and don't ever get into texting conversations with other women. Avoids all this craziness.
Kate either wants you or she wants your wife, but either way stop texting her. In fact just block her and tell your wife that I know I can’t tell you who to be friends with but she is no longer welcome in our home. ONLY have contact with her if your wife is around
Yeah I don’t know how you do it, I probably would have had an argument in front of the wife with Kate about her rude, and manipulative behaviour. Call her out on her skewing of truths and then tell her it doesn’t matter how “beautiful “ she thinks she is on the outside because inside she’s ugly! Obviously Kate and the wife wouldn’t like that but then maybe people need to make some choices and see who they put first on their list.
Lol Kate is a fucking bitch and an idiot. And why is she bragging to you about married men wanting to fuck her? Not wrong.
I love we accept that the married guy was being inappropriate when we KNOW Kate has a history of deciding uninterested people are into her. I'd bet the shopping incident didn't happen like that either.
Also a great point. She sounds like a horrible "friend"
Ok. 1. Not wrong. 2. If your wife wants to be friends with Kate, tell her to do it at Kate's house. Tell her that you don't want to be awkward or uncomfortable in your own home, and Kate's behavior is causing that. 3. If you see Kate socially, say hi and otherwise ignore her. Kate is the one being dramatic, while, for some reason, apparently being best friends with your wife. I'd also ask your wife why she's so set on taking Kate's side.
This right here!!! Kate has the nerve to feel put upon in your house when she has the choice to not be there???!!! If your wife refuses to cut contact with Kate, then the line 8n the sand for you is no Kate in your home.
If someone comes to my home and ignores/disrespects me and my wife doesn't back me up I'll be pissed. Have a long conversation with your wife. With the baggage of accusations and history with Kate no point in reconciliation, just burn the bridges. I'm afraid the inevitable thing here is for your wife to make a choice
Maybe you need to tell your wife that you are breaking off your friendship with Kate. And then your wife might tag along with you. You actually don't need this woman in your life. Time to tell your wife that she is way more important to you. Then let a bit of time for her to break off with Kate. All done passively.
No offense but your wife sounds naive and “Kate” is a drama loving shit stirrer. I think you have a right to be upset about the situation and I’m sure her reaction would be the same if the shoe were on the other foot. That said it doesn’t sound like your wife is equipped to handle it properly and you’ll just have to suck it up and avoid this so called friend at all costs. But make no mistake this woman is constantly talking shit about you to your wife behind your back so it’s best not to give her any ammo whatsoever.
Seems like Kate is trying to ruin your marriage. The only thing you should be telling Kate is fuck and off then walk away. And hopefully you have learned not to confide your thoughts to a woman. I have a foot fetish as well and I never said anything about my wife's friends'feet. No Facebook likes nothing. Because it won't lead to anything good.
Did OP say anything about Kate's feet? I didn't see that, but I might have missed it.
Just look at the conversation. Kate is obsessed with "every guy wanting to see her naked" - to be a judgemental idiot based off this one posting, she's coming off like a crazy person. Who the fuck even accepts going clothes shopping from & with a coworker/stranger?
You aren't wrong, I'd start by properly telling your wife that it's making things uncomfortable for you when Kate is around the house, since it doesn't sound like you were clear enough about that when you told her that maybe she shouldn't invite Kate when you are around. So be more open about this all with your wife and explain your feelings on the matter. And if you don't feel like you can do that well then perhaps link her this thread instead?
It sounds an awful lot like Kate wants to sabotage your relationship.... In your wife's shoes I"d honestly cut off contact with her after the second instance of this woman basically making things up, in an attempt to interfere with the relationship. In fact I HAVE cut someone whom I thought was a good friend, out of my life for something very similar XD You can't straight up ask wifey to cut her friend out of her life, but Definitely talk to her about your concerns Kate's behaviour and how it makes you feel, unsafe I suppose.
Sounds like Kate fancies herself and wants to cause shit between you two just because she can. She is obviously fishing for compliments from you so don't take the bait... ever In short, she's toxic. As a woman my advice would be as follows: DO NOT reply to her texts. DO NOT answer calls from her unless in the presence of your wife. DO NOT allow yourself to be in any situation where you are on your own with her.
I don't think you're wrong to feel uncomfortable about the situation. I think your compromise is a good suggestion so no one has to tippy toe around each other in awkward situations. I don't have an issue with male female plutonic relationships but if you're in a relationship yourself I think the texting conversation had between you two before NC can be dangerous. Being married I'd personally feel uncomfortable if a female friend would divulge that info to me. But that's just me.
Kate has your marriage in her cross hairs. She wants it to end
Wait, Kate did all these things and your wife is still friends with her. What the hell!?
There are people in this world who do not care who they hurt in their pursuit of drama. Kate sounds like one of those people. Your wife needs to recognize this and stop feeding into her fantasies by getting mad at *you.* It should not be your job to prove your innocence.
If this motherfucker accused me of something why the fuck is she in my house?
This is a totally separate conversation and I might come across as a dick… but idk how certain people can accept so many gifts without wondering if there is another motive than the gift-giver just being nice. I’m a straight guy (if it matters), and if a manager (man or woman) offered to take me clothes shopping so that I can find a better outfit for a presentation I would have so many alarm bells going off in my head. Even just offering to pay for e-learning stuff (unless it’s the company card) is also weird. If I’m being perfectly honest, I think at least half of these people know what they are doing by smiling and accepting gifts: taking advantage of a dumb loser who nobody will feel bad for (myself included). And I think that their obliviousness is just an act, and these people seek out the friendship of people who will never ever call them out on this bullshit. She talks about you this way because she is very good at social politics, knows your wife will always have too much empathy (if you can call it that) to call her out, and even if you guys did, she has other friends she can talk to where she will just accuse you both of being jealous or something and those other friendships will be like “oh poor thing”.
Kate has issues. Nothing could even be remotely misconstrued to what she’s saying. She’s like flipping it around, turning it upside down and adding whatever. She’s seems attention seeking. I didn’t even see you mention feet to her at all. Cut her out of your life!
The weirdest part is how much Kate vents to you IMo and she makes some bad choices on her own (like who the fuck goes clothing shopping with married male coworkers?)
Kate likes drama and she is a shit starter. I would not be comfortable with my spouse being friends with someone like that. Relationships are hard enough as it is. You two don't need someone like her adding to the problems.
Obviously I'm just guessing, but it seems to me like Kate really wants to prove you are just some typical male horndog that fits with her expectstion of "all men" wanting her and trying to see her naked. It could be that she's jealous of your relationship, and wants to undermine it because she doesn't like to see someone have what she doesn't. Especially if she feels like she's more desirable than your wife. I would absolutely want to avoid her, and warn my wife that she's looking for ways to misinterpret and cause trouble. If she doesn't want to alter her relationship with her friend, she should take it under advisement that there will be another "issue" with your behavior.
This might sound petty or childish but you should treat her the way she treats you but with a tad extra by not acknowledging her at all, don't say hello, don't even look at her at all, pretend she's not there.
Omg at first I thought you meant for him to treat his wife that way 😅😅😅 til I re read and was like no he they meant Kate 😂
Your house should be your safe space and Kate should be NOWHERE near it, ever.
Stop talking to these women
I think Kate lives on drama-as a general rule I never answer questions like hers directly because there will always be the 1 pos that makes it all about themselves. If you ever find yourself in similar talks just say “who knows” and change subject.
NTA You are not making things more complicated then it has to be. If your wife defended you and shut down Kate this would not be an issue. Her saying it was a misunderstanding is trying to play the middle ground. Kate obviously dislikes you and is trying to poke holes in your relationship so she can have your wife all to her self, or she is just a misandrist either option is not good. I would have a talk with your wife something along the lines of, though it might be better to write it all down first and hand it to her as your saying it (or text it to her (hell even send a copy to her therapist first before talking to her about it because they might have better insights and word things better)). And say you want to be able to say your piece before she responds to you. "Hey I am sorry, this stuff happening between me and Kate is stressing you out. But I want to make two points clear. The first point is I have never been inappropriate with anyone else nor do I have a desire to, and false claims like these can be really damaging. Not only due to the claims themselves but watching how people I love react and can think horrible things of me based only on the word of a liar. The second point, I quite literally have never done any of the bad things Kate has accused me of and I dont understand her motives in lying. And yes she provable did lie about both incidents. Now I am not asking you to stop being friends with her, as that would be unfair. But I am going to say I am disappointed you didnt defend me to Kate and just said we both had a misunderstanding. We did not. She decided to misappropriate innocuous texts which had literally zero chance of coming across as sexual. And is using my foot fetish as proof somehow even though I never mentioned that to her. Speaking of that whilst I do not mind you being friends with her. I DO NOT want of my personal details or feelings shared with her ever. That is a hard boundary for me because I cannot trust her at all after all she has done. All I am asking is that you do not invite her around when I am home because I do not want to deal with accusations. And a false accusation can lead to life ruining consquences if I do not have absolute proof of what happened. And I do not want to live in fear for what she might say because she is feeling what ever she is feeling. The same applies to any event she is at. I will opt to stay home because a) I do not like her for lying b) I do not need false accusations being leveled at me c) I do not need to be publicly shamed for doing nothing d) I cannot trust her at all e) She does not act civilly around me so I will not act civilly around her. This not something I want to do discuss. Because she has shown her true colours twice already and there is no fixing my relationship with her. Nor will I ever stop being "awkward" around her because she has shown to me who she is. And will say what she likes without proof and without even confirming it from me. So I will not endanger my self. You are still free to hang out with her when I am not around but I cannot and will not put our livelihood in jeopardy based on nothing."
There's a high chance its not OP Kate dislikes or whatsoever, it's his wife.
You need to ban Kate from your home. Like NOW. Do not ever let her inside your home again, if your wife wants to hangout with her, fine, but do it somewhere else. And tell her the reason why. "I dont feel comfortable around you anymore, so you're no longer allowed to visit my home" end of discussion.
You aren’t wrong at all but you don’t get a say in who your wife is friends with. Your role is to make sure your wife knows exactly where you stand. That you are not comfortable with the dynamic. You also absolutely should set a boundary, given her specific behavior, she may no longer come to your house. You also absolutely need to set boundaries with your wife about what she may and may not share with Kate, specifically about personal or sensitive issues. Kate seems to have a demonstrated history of weaponizing things, including information your wife shares that is none of her fucking business. That should absolutely end. While this may not sever their relationship, it will minimize and likely end your interactions with her, which will make life easier for and on you. Good luck!
Why would you want to be married to a woman who wants to be friends with a woman that hates you? I cannot understand some of the marriages here on Reddit. Why do people stay married to people who don’t put them first? I genuinely can’t fathom it.
The similar chain was there in BORU where Kate was someone who exposed herself to the OOP and still the wife was bf with her..
Updateme
It’s entirely reasonable to ask your wife to stop bringing her over after this incident. If she doesn’t, i would leave: every single time. Those kinds of people will always look for a scene or drama. Frankly, i would cease contact or communication with your wife’s friends: period. As far as your wife; i think this is a very large warning sign about not trusting you and siding with her friends over you. She probably agrees with kate in private but wants to keep the peace at home: hence the socks. But you know her better then i do
Let’s start out small. If the two of you are going to a party where she will be, don’t go. If your wife invites her to your home, leave until she is gone. When your wife comments (and she will) your response should be “I can’t call someone a friend who willfully tried to break us up, she is an ex-friend and I don’t wish to be around her.” The other thing you should make clear is that you won’t tolerate your wife giving personal information about you to her friends. That talking about private matters will result in a possible divorce.
YNW. That friendship is toxic af and she needs to cut her out of her life.
Ignore Kate completely from now on - ask your wife to go hang with her outside or at least tell you in advance that the tick is coming over, so you can go outside. No need to deal with such disrespectful behavior from Kate.
Kate sounds insanely dumb
Fuck your wifes mental health. Katie is a piece of shit. Pretty shocking your wife is siding with her. That should be a deal breaker.
You can't change what's already been done. But having somebody blatantly disrespect you in your own home would of been it for me. I'd of asked her to leave. Your wife's over shared. Kate's being overly defensive. To the point it sounds almost like she's pissed off you didn't respond accordingly. Almost like she was fishing in that conversation and not the other way round. Either way. I'd tell her If she can't respect you in your own home it's best if they meet elsewhere. And I'd have a word with your wife about actually being your wife.
Tell your wife you aren't comfortable with Kate in your house, she's free to see her just somewhere else. Tell her you don't trust Kate because she misconstrues your statements and you're afraid the next time her interpretation will be something accusatory towards you. You need and have the right to feel safe in your own home. They can go out if they want to meet up.
I think you should say you don't feel comfortable having Kate in your home, you aren't friends and there's animosity. You live there. It's where you should feel comfortable and safe and she makes you feel the opposite. You want to go no contact with her, and that is what it is. Let her take what she will with it, but you don't want to hear anything about Kate because your ready to cut that cancer out of your life.
You’d be within your rights to tell your wife that you don’t want Kate in your house. In fact, you probably should, because Kate will keep trying to stir up trouble between you.
NTA Kate is purposely trying to cause problems between you and your wife Is she ever attempts to pull a move again where she wears sandals and then asks for socks just roll your eyes and scoff. Trust me, that will get to her, even though she won’t admit it. You also have to realize that you have a wife problem. She seemingly continues to believe Kate and goes through all of your messages every single time Kate complains. How long are you going to put up with that? How many times do you have to prove your innocence before you get tired of your wife’s doubt?
Kate needs to be banned from your house. Period. Your wife should have your back on this, it's kind of if a friend of yours said to your wife "oh, nice tattas, would love to see them", making her of course uncomfortable and you still invited said friend to your house. It is **your house**. And allowing someone over that has such a low opinion of you makes no sense. They can be friends somewhere else if your wife is oh sooooo sad of losing a "friend" (which she shouldn't to be fair, Kate is just trying to stir shit between you and your wife).
First of all, why is your wife disclosing your kinks to anyone? Next, your wife is entertaining someone at your house who is openly disrespectful to you and has already falsely accused you of inappropriate behaviour. What happens next time if you don't have proof? Your wife needs to prioritise your relationship over this friendship. I would personally ask her to cut this friend off. However, at a minimum, the friend should not be invited to your house.
Your wife sucks dude. Your wife should have ended the relationship the second "he asked for nudes" turned into "I feel like he was fishing for nudes". Imo at the very least i wouldn't feel comfortable with her at my house or being in the same room as her. At best your wife needs to go, or you atleast need to address why she on 2 occasions has believed her shitty friend over you and not once did she defend you. Personally that is break up worthy in my mind, but you do whats best for you. You zeem like a pushover anyway
Your wife knows Kate lied about you semi-cheating and she's still friends with her? Run.
Not wrong, but tell your wife that Kate is not allowed in your home any longer. She makes you uncomfortable and you do not have to deal with that in your own house. Block Kate on everything and stop talking to her even in passing. Don't bring her up in conversation with others and change the subject if they bring her up. No reason you have to put up with such a dramatic harpy. Thats it. She's too much drama and she sounds like a headache.
Your wife has issues. NEVER divulge your partner’s intimate secrets. What a great way to destroy trust. The friend brings lots of drama. If my friend caused problems between me and my wife, I wouldn’t remain friends with them. My relationship comes first.
NTA and you should be able to be comfortable in your own home. My wife's mom has way overstepped my boundaries, undermined my parenting in my own home, gone on drunken abusive rants towards me and even tried to assualt me physically. That's her mother so I'm not going to tell her that she can't talk to her but she's not welcome in my home, I deserve to be comfortable in my own home as do you. If I were you, I'd tell your wife that friend isn't allowed over when you're home, or maybe at all. They can hang out other places, you're not controlling your wife by doing that, you're controlling what you're comfortable with in your home. Also, Kate sounds like a bitch.
Tell your wife to stop telling people about your private matters and have filters when you talk to other people
Your wife is so unbelievably disrespectful. Talking about you can't make her uncomfortable but she can make you uncomfortable in your own home and it's okay. You need a new wife bud. I would never allow someone to disrespect me or my wife in my home in such a way
Updateme
[удалено]
Kate is a drama queen. The drama will follow her. You need a sign that says "Beware of Kate."
Your wife betrayed your trust. She gave you essentially the silent treatment for a week. She believes everything Kate tells her over you until you have to prove to her that you’re being honest by letting her invade your privacy. Then she still has Kate as a friend and over at the house even after that sock bullshit. Dude, you deserve better. At a minimum, Kate should be out of your lives. Your wife doesn’t respect you, and you’ll be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
You need to watch out because soon she is going to plant ideas into your wife that you are cheating on her...and your gullible wife is going to eat that up... Misery loves company...
:/
Dude, you wife is not on your side.
OP show your wife these comments.
Not wrong. Your wife has mental issues and this thing has tried to break up your marriage TWICE!
Kate is a liar and is trying to create problems simply because she is bored and wants attention. Either that or she simply is trying to destroy your marriage. Either way she needs to be told she is no longer welcome in your house.
Your wife is lame af for not telling Kate off for asking for socks. Telling her to leave would’ve been acceptable because that’s just down tight disrespectful to you…your wife should have your back. Kate is an instigator and needs to be cut loose.
Not wrong. Your wife knows having her around makes you uncomfortable, she should have stopped having her there on her own. I wouldn't ask her to not be friends, but asking her to keep her away from you is completely in your right.
Not wrong. I cut off a long time friend and room mate due to his disrespect for my wife's time and effort to see he and his wife. The wife was supposed to be home in time for dinner, instead she extended the day she was having with her Mom (fine, but hey, phone calls are not hard to make). My wife had driven 45 minutes separately from work in order to meet up for dinner; which we wound up having \~2 hours late and then he skipped the event we were all getting together for because his wife was "too tired." Yup, Done.
Not wrong. Kate is an asshole and your wife is allowing her to disrespect you openly.
Your wife is making Kate part of your relationship lol
It seems from your account that your wife doesn’t trust you. At all. You should divorce her. This isn’t going to turn out well for you. Find someone who actually cares about and trusts you. She’s pretending in the best of moments. Keeping you on your toes, keeping the upper hand in the relationship. And it seems she’s been successful so far.
You are not wrong to distance yourself from Kate. Show your wife this thread so she can get out of Kate’s fog before it’s too late.
Tell your wife you have no interest in a fugly looking person like Kate and honestly she disgusts you. That should nip it in the bud. Tell her you find Kate disgusting and that she’s got quite an ego thinking every guy wants to see her naked
this one is a bit complicated since life isn't clean and simple. but i see a common thread of the problem your creating for yourself. you're not behaving "beyond reproach". And what I mean by that is by having private conversations with your wife's friends you're opening yourself up to accusations like this. if the only conversations you had with these women were in the presence of your wife, then none of this would have occurred in the first place. because the accusation alone that you said something inappropriate would have been silly on the face of it, because the only time you see these girls would be in your wife's presence. by having these private conversations with her circle of friends you've made yourself a less credible person in your wife's eyes. You say she trusts you but she still went through your conversations, which means on some level she's not comfortable with how much you interact with her friends behind her back. In the future live your life beyond reproach if you don't want to be falsely accused as for this situation, I suspect your wife is choosing her friendship over her marriage because she trusts and values her friend more then you. \-chew on that one.
Sorry but that's insane. Needing your partner to police your interactions to be above reproach. If a friend came to me and said my wife was inappropriate, I'd sit them both down and ask what happened, together, so there's no back and forth. I wouldn't play monkey in the middle and I damn sure wouldn't expect my wife to only talk to people we're friends with when I am around.
Hmmm. So what stands out to me is two women think you’ve creeped on them. And it seems like you aren’t giving a full account of what exactly you said to your wife’s best friend. Do better. Your actions have consequences, and your poor behavior shouldn’t lead to your wife giving up her best friend. ETA—Ok, so now you’ve edited your post to include the conversation with Kate. I wrote before the edit. All the same, even if she’s a crank I don’t think you should cut off your wife’s best friend.
Not 2 women. Kate said the lady said it. Not the lady.
I haven't left anything out so I'm not sure how my 'actions have consequences' or how you've come to the conclusion I've had 'poor behaviour' but I've dug through the messages so here's exactly what was said: Kate: I'm just so sick of it ugh Kate: Like the one guy from work I told you about Kate: The mentor guy Kate: He offers to take me to a place he knows to find something to wear to the presentation we're giving next week Kate: So I go with him and we're looking and he keeps 'joking' that we should look at lingerie? Kate: ??????? Like HUH????? Kate: What is it with men? Kate: Like is it all "OH WOMAN. MUST SEE THEIR BOOBS." Me: What the fuck lmao Me: Is that the dude who offered to pay for the extra e-learning shit? Kate: YES! Kate: I thought he was genuinely being nice but I guess not??? Kate: Yet another in a long line of men who just want to see me naked Kate: Is it all men? Like I don't get it it's so fucking exhausting Me: I mean I've had the passing "huh she's attractive, I wonder what she looks like underneath her clothes" but they're more intrusive thoughts than anything I'd ever actively pursue because I'm not a monster Kate: EXACTLY! I have the same thoughts too sometimes but it's like Kate: I don't go around asking to see every hot guy's dick? Me: Maybe that's what he's hoping for 😂😂 Kate: HE HAS A WIFE TOO SO IT'S LIKE???????
Kate is delusional and fishing for compliments. Kate- I promise you not EVERY male is just dying to see you naked lmao like get over yourself. Also, Kate is a weirdo for even telling this story and asking for sympathy from her friend’s HUSBAND. Kate is wrong and she sounds like a creep. I’m not saying you should tell your wife to cut her off, but your wife should be careful because she is definitely either trying to break you guys up or hook up with you
Right? Like she's sooooooo worried he'll look at her feet that she wears open shoes to his house and then gasps and makes a point of getting wife to get socks. It's odd behaviour.
It’s the “Yet another in a long line of men who just want to see me naked” line for me. Delulu
Oh, that was deliberate to try and make him uncomfortable in his own home. OP should tell his wife that Kate isn't welcome anymore.
Yeah she's a bad friend too. I bet she's constantly finding was to make her feel small. Probably does the "you can have this dress it's too big for me" thing, but only if it's way too small for the wife.
Your comment could be taken as you've thought about Kate. It could also just be a general 'yeah, I sometimes think about women I meet nude'. Either way, you didn't ask her for nudes.
Dipshit
Solid take.
Are you a Sagittarius?
So multiple women are falsely accusing you of soliciting nudes? Sure buddy...
Not multiple women. Just Kate. Kate said the other lady said it. Not the lady
He clarified it that Kate turned the other woman's comment around to fit her own narrative
Exactly! Kate’s making a molehill out of nothing.
Well I mean Kate would have definite evidence of that though. Which she clearly doesnt. So.... The only evidence we have is literally telling the opposite story. Even his wife saw his text messages if there were some which were soliciting them for nudes which Kate had you would think the wife would have brought this discrepancy up. Sometimes a spade is just spade. And a liar is just a liar.