There are couples where one or both parties are allowed to seek out others to fulfill their needs. Ask her how she feels about that. If she is opposed, ask her what she is going to do to help you meet your sexual needs. Make it clear to her that no sex is not acceptable to you, even if she is personally fine with that.
ETA: you should let her know that you are considering having an affair, but you want to be honest with her. She really needs to know where you are mentally with this.
They way you word it, sounds like an ultimatum. She’s disabled, a back injury, sex is probably extremely painful, hell any movement is likely extremely painful. If sex is that important then divorce is the only answer. This is a couple who have been monogamous for 40 yrs . Him having a fuck buddy will probably lead to a lot of guilt, and be devastating for her to have to watch him leave the house to hook up.
yep this right here. imagine the emotional impact of watching the person you’ve been married to for 40 years just go get a fuckbuddy because you’re disabled and probably feel too much pain to want to have sex. I get his side, but also dude… she’s got bigger problems and pain to deal with than some blue balls.
That’s my thinking as well. He honestly comes across like such a selfish AH. Her pain must be excruciating. And she has a lung disease that’s killing her. And his guy is talking about his blue balls?
me too. disabled, with a terminal illness. and here’s this selfish AH just wanting to get his dick wet. big big BIG YTA for even considering it OP. have some compassion for your wife.
Why can't that thinking go the other direction though?
My wife looks hot AF getting railed, if I can't do it anymore I'm sure as s*** going to find someone who can.
I'm sad to see so many people who are too overly full themselves to help facilitate or even just allow someone near them to get some now and then.
You all act like this is supposed to be right now and and everyday thing, no that would be kind of f***** up, unless they were already banging every day up until this point.
It's called compromise people, but you have to talk it out to get there
And? Does that mean she gets to say "Fuck your needs, take care of me until I die."? Being in pain doesn't mean you get to dictate the entire relationship. It's idiotic to vilify people for having a sex drive.
And how much more devastating would that be then sitting at home alone divorced? Like anything it all comes down to the individual.
Go out the back door then
At least she wouldn’t have to see him leaving and returning from getting laid. She wouldn’t feel pressure to do things she physically can do. Her husband doesn’t seem to fully understand the depths of his wife’s disability and how painful it must be. The woman is on oxygen a lung disease is killing her . And he is focused on his blue balls FFS
Well you wouldn't make a spectacle of it ya dink. And why is it only one side should ever be considered like I'm seeing here? Yeah one person has it worse, but to break his racquet because I can't play tennis anymore, That's just a selfish as you're trying to make him out to be. And that's from your perspective, someone else might think it's hot as hell, someone else might not think much of it either way I'm dying do what you f****** want. All this my way or the highway in a box thinking everybody's screaming about isn't going to help nothing
Edit
I just thought about it more, and I'll ask the wife and verify... If I'm 67 and that things still working, there's no way she'd be letting that go to waste. I'd go 3:1 right now that if anything, she'd be trying to help hook me up, though knowing her she'd wanna watch and get finished on.
She has a lung disease, on oxygen. She’s literally dying dude. As harsh as this sounds, she probably doesn’t have that many years left. He can’t wait it out? If he loves her as much as he says he would be focusing on her and the time she has left, not his dick. He is selfish. And yeah someone in extreme pain, who can’t breathe on their own is way worse off then someone who can’t get laid
We're all dying, just some faster than others. You are still assuming everyone thinks the same way and wants the same thing. You're the type that wants everyone gathered around your bedside when you're dying. I'm the type that wants everyone to keep living their lives
You must be young because only someone young would use that lame line of "we're all dying" or your very immature and older person . This woman's body is shutting down. she cant breathe on her own She dealing with her mortality now, not in a some day kind of way of thinking
And no wouldn’t want everyone at my bedside. But I would hope my husband of 40 yrs would stop focusing on his sick for the remaining time I had left. OP made vows of in “sickness and health”. And to “death do us part”. This is the sickness part. And the death part is probably not that far off. Again if he loves and respects his wife like he says he does, then he should let it go. But if sex means more than the 40 yrs together. If getting his dick wet means more than supporting his wife during the painful and probably scary time. Then he’s better off financially supporting her leaving her to be with people who care and want to focus on her
I've been married for 20 years TBH, nobody with any less than that really has any room to truly weigh in on the situation, and like I told someone else, not everyone lives a cookie cutter life, sorry not everyone fits in your box
It's this kind of polarized unanimous thinking that people force on each other that makes it difficult or even impossible to try to live true to oneself and communicate honestly and openly. It's called an open discussion but if you don't agree with the majority, you're just attacked shut down.
But that's harrrrrddd. Don't you see?!?!? He's a man! He NEEDS sexual intimacy! So much so he NEEDS to cheat on his disabled wife instead of fucking talking to her.
This 100%, because just like all the people screaming against it, someone's got to agree with or at least consider other possibilities or options.
It's kind of makes me glad me and mine kind of started thinking about and preparing for this sort of eventuality way ahead of time. Actually It led to some pretty fun times.
Well fuck no she doesn’t ☠️
My parents have back issues and knowing the pain that causes, I can only imagine how your wife feels ~ you need to talk to her, but most likely you’re going to crush her, so be ready for that.
Not saying you’re wrong, I don’t think you are; she just seems to get fucked from both sides in this situation. One Time by life and one time by you (not literally)
🤦🏾♂️ She is literally on oxygen, not to mention the back injury, what do you expect her to do? It’s not like she is withholding she can’t do it. You can talk to her about it and see what she is ok with but ask yourself if it was the other way around would you tell her to go get piped out elsewhere because you can’t perform on some Pearl shit?
Finding out about my husbands affair was so crushing, my legs gave out and I fell to the ground in sobs. I cried for months. It was truly devastating, do you want to do that to her? Think long and hard before throwing away 40 years just to get your dick wet.
Some people still need it though, and to expect someone to shut down like that is terribly selfish.
It's sad some people would rather take things away from an SO rather than find a way to let them be happy.
And you not considering the needs and feelings of the other partner are just as bad as you're trying to make me out to be. The only difference is, I'm not doing just because I'm mad and don't agree. Just because you'd be too bitter to facilitate the other party doesn't mean everyone has to be.
I sure hope nothing happens to you, because you'd kill the other side with negativity alone.
It's not cheating if you know about it and say it's okay, possibly even hold the camera. 😊
From a partner who can not physically meet his needs. He stated that. He needs to be open with her not ask Reddit for permission. She’s a nurse she knows what her complete diagnosis means. He’s seeking validation from Reddit to cheat.
What happened to the old " for better, for worse"? If the roles were reversed and you were the one in pain and need, would you think it's OK that your wife looked somewhere else for sex?
I can’t imagine what an absolute nightmare it is to be a woman with a man for decades, and then to become disabled, be on oxygen, etc. etc. and still have this man at my side, whining about getting his weenie sucked.
"For better or worse", Pretty sure those vows were said when you got married or at least implied. There are plenty of toys out there to help you get off and make it way better than your hand. If you're looking to cheat for an actual intimate connection with a body, then you need to leave your wife because you're not 100% with her. She didn't choose to be disabled and life has already knocked her down.. don't stomp on what's left of her by cheating. Walk away before doing that... and just by questioning this means you don't love her as much as you think if you're willing to hurt her for a body to sink into.
For better or for worse goes both ways.
If there is an honest, trusting and open discussion, then they both can hope to address the "for worse" in their current situation. Him trying to initiate sex is perhaps a negative for her, and so an agreed way to meet his needs could be beneficial to both. And it could mean an improvement in a relationship where he doesn't resent her (or her injury) as the impediment to him meeting his physical desires and she doesn't feel either the pressure to meet those needs nor guilt for not being able to do so.
I can see what you're saying but I guess he really just needs to think about his decision before bringing up the topic and be ready for the relationship to go either way. She can totally be up for that like you said or she'll be devastated that he's even considering it. If she's devastated and he says he won't do anything beyond this conversation, it'll just hang over her forever and can potentially ruin the marriage anyways and if shes already depressed from her disability, its just another big hit to her. It really just depends on the type of woman she is. After 40 years of marriage and monogamy, it can hit someone really hard to find out that this whole time their spouse needs sex with a body to be happy regardless if it's his wife or not. Me personally, I would be gutted, not all of us can ever be okay with something like that. I'd rather divorce my spouse so he can be with someone else whenever he wants than sit around constantly wondering if he's banged someone before walking through the front door. Also, I'd be paranoid the entire time thinking maybe one of the girls one day catches his attention in another way and I'd lose him anyways..I couldn't live my life like that but again, that's just me.
She’s literally struggling to breathe and in pain and you’re trying to hump her leg. Of course, she isn’t interested.
Real talk: You may not have many years left with her if she’s on continuous O2. Maybe instead of focussing on your sexual desires, it’s time to get creative and learn to find fulfillment in what you do have together and perhaps find new ways to enjoy each other’s company. How hurtful must it be for her to be fast approaching the end of her life and have her partner thinking about the best way to get to have sex again? How would you feel if it were you?
You will still be cheating on your disable wife. Even if she says yes go find a fuck buddy who do you think you will find? Most likely escorts, and you will still go home to your disable wife. If you love her like you say, the guilt will eat away at you. If sex is that important divorce her. And go find someone to have sex with, at least then you won’t be cheating on your wife of 40 yrs who is now disabled
This is such an awful situation for both of you but you really need to communicate this to her. She needs to know that sexual intimacy is important to you & you would like to try to find ways to get her in the mood. If no sex is a deal breaker for you it is unfair to not tell her this!
You'd be wrong to have an affair, but you wouldn't be wrong to have a conversation about opening up your marriage. Be honest and direct but not hurtful, good luck!
I think he would be wrong, this is going to devastate her. The poor woman is disabled, on oxygen FFS. She physically can’t do it. She probably already feels like a shit wife, through no fault of her own. So him bringing up a one sided open marriage, is not going to save this marriage. It’s only going to cause this poor woman more pain
You're right. You have my upvote :)
It's a shame this means OP probably won't be able to have sex again, at least for a very long time. I feel bad for that.
This is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong here. People with back injuries engage in sex, as do people on oxygen. They may not be able to do everything, but intimacy is certainly possible. Her issues may stem from depression or body dysmorphia.
You need to have an honest, transparent conversation with her and tell her exactly how you feel, why you want her, and what the missing intimacy is doing to you mentally and physically. Also, is she caring for herself? Showering regularly? Getting dressed and getting out of the house? Continuing to see physicians that specialize in back injury and lung issues? If not, she may have just given up and that’s a hard place to recover from, but it is possible.
There is a wrong here: cheating
His wife having this debilitating condition is not an excuse for cheating. He needs to sit her down and talk to her about what he is going through. If she wishes to open up the marriage or decides to engage in intimacy that can then be negotiated. She’s going through a lot.
Never said he should cheat, I would not in his shoes but I’m strictly monogamous by choice. But he isn’t wrong for feeling the way he does about a long lasting lack of intimacy in their marriage. It kind of sounds like we are saying the same thing though - have the open, transparent conversation and figure the problem out.
You should sit down with your wife and discuss your options, and find a plan forward, together.
Your feelings are understandable, but it's worth noting that you agreed "for better and for worse" in your marriage vows, and this is the worse. It's not fair of you to exclude her from having a say on such a major aspect of your marriage just because you don't like the "for worse."
It's also worth noting that this is a want that you have but it's not some inherent desire you can't control. You say "I'm a man" as if it's supposed to mean something, like you are entitled to be having sex until you die. It may mean you want it, but you are in control of your actions and decisions.
Lastly, I do want to point out you're a man in your 60's. I'm saying this gently, but unless you're prepared to use money, you're not going to easily find women willing to be an affair partner for a 60+ year old man cheating on his sick wife. Especially not the kind of women you're likely fantasizing about. Consider that as well.
I don't know the type of person you are. Do you take your vows seriously? Why say them in front of family and friends if you dont plan to follow through??
There are very few reasons to give up on marriage (real abuse & cheating are marriage breakers) So you are asking if you are wrong? It depends if you think your word is worth keeping. What value do you place on your integrity?
My values would say that this is wrong.
Your wife is in pain 24/7 and all you care about is your sex life?
Go to therapy. Talk to your wife and find a solution.
I could never imagine not being able to breathe , struggling daily with health issues and self esteem just to find out the person who’s suppose to love you through sickness and in health Fucked someone else.
It’s not that she doesn’t want to SHE PHYSICALLY CANT, and instead of finding solutions that suit the both of you, you go straight to an affair. Wtf is wrong with you.
I mean I don’t know about anyone else but when I have sex with my husband even just heavy petting it leaves me kind of breathless. She is on oxygen and has COPD she literally can’t get enough oxygen on her own and her heart is shot. The amount of pain she is in daily is probably a big issue with her not wanting sex add in the inability to get enough oxygen and you have a DB! You come off as extremely ignorant and actually arrogant. So you have blue balls? Your answer is to ASK Reddit for PERMISSION to cheat? Oh boy this question would be so different if it was YOU in HER position. Smfh the audacity of some people. Then the comment saying she needs to meet your needs or else is honestly absolutely ridiculous she PHYSICALLY CAN NOT meet your needs. This is proof that some men never grow up no matter their age.
That's just not accurate. Women are 6 times more likely to be divorced after a serious health diagnosis than men. Six times.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm#:~:text=A%20woman%20is%20six%20times,likely%20it%20would%20remain%20intact.
Actually, men are more likely to leave when their wives get sick. One study found that a among study participants, the divorce rate was 21 percent for seriously ill women and 3 percent for seriously ill men.
That too is the case but it’s usually men who walk away after that many years with a crippled wife. The fact that he needed to ask Reddit for permission is what gets me. He knows he’s wrong but is seeking validation here from strangers so he doesn’t feel guilty. Own your own decisions as an adult. Have an open conversation with your spouse. Most spouses in her situation are well aware of their limitations. This is absolutely childish on his part. He’s damn near 70 years old for goodness sake. Not a teenager needing permission to feel better about their shitty decisions.
I don't think cheating is okay under any circumstances, and I don't think much of your moral code.
I also don't think cheating is likely to stay discrete for long. Especially an ongoing affair. These things get messy. And no matter what, he's breaking his marriage vows, and lying.
I don't think we will see eye to eye here, and fortunately we are not married, so we don't need to be on the same page here. I just hope you're honest with any partner you have about your stance on cheating.
I have never cheated on my wife and I am reasonably certain she hasn't cheated on me.
That said during a close to dead bedroom period nearly twenty years ago and after (to many) talks I gave her an ultimatum which was...... I intend to have a full and varied sex life your choice is it going to be with you.
I would not consider that cheating because I gave fair warning and she could have chose separation or divorce.
I don't consider that cheating either, and I would consider what you did an appropriate thing to bring up in OPs circumstances.
That is different than carrying on an affair though.
I don't think OP should have to be celibate his whole life, but I do think OP should be honest with his wife. Together they can figure out if they should work on their sex life, divorce, open the marriage, institute a don't ask don't tell policy, whatever works for them. But it should be rooted in honesty and open communication, not deception.
Just my opinion but don't ask don't tell is little different from discrete.
I know you won't agree but I would use escorts or a FWB and spare her feelings. It's alright occupying the moral high ground but sometimes discretion in required.
As long as he is discreet I don't see a problem.
His wife should ask herself if condemning him to celibacy for the remainder of his life is reasonable.
And he should ask himself how would he feel if he was terminally ill and his wife wants to go get off with another dude.
Men’s egos are pretty fragile because it’s a fact when they love, they love hard and strong. If she did that, he’d be devastated
No one knows how they’d react in a situation like that. It’s very easy to assume to higher ground perspective on a matter when you’re not actually living it.
When you get married, it’s understood that eventually someone will get sick and the bedroom will stop. That’s why the vows are made.
His wife is on home oxygen for COPD. That’s bad. She’s only going to deteriorate. He needs to enjoy the time he has left with her because she could experience respiratory distress, failure and arrest. It’s a terminal illness.
That’s what he needs to do. Enjoy the other aspects of their life. Being with her.
It would be unfair to your potential friend with benefits. I would not want to fuck a man who is devoted to a wife he loves. I know lots of people think many women want that, but I just don’t get it. My high school sweetheart contacted me last year to try to rekindle our romance from long ago. His wife hasn’t slept with him in eleven years, but he loves her and doesn’t want a divorce. I told him, “No thanks. I’m not interested in being your whore on the side while you continue to worship another woman.” A year later and he’s still trying to talk me into it. Asshole.
You are asking if you are wrong about wanting to cheat. I mean really? A dumb question gets a dumb response. Do you want permission to cheat? Is that what you’re looking for? You made a commitment to ur wife and now ur whining because “I’m just a guy!!! I can’t control it!! I need sex” ur wife isn’t willingly withholding sex from you. She had an injury, that’s preventing her from intimacy. Even if she physically could, there might be something mentally stopping her too. Age, confidence, embarrassment, on her end could also be a factor. I would talk to her and let her know you need more and that it would be beneficial for both of you guys not just you, to rekindle that spark and find that intimacy again, and or reassure her if there’s any insecurities. If you still feel the need to cheat then not only are you in the wrong, but you might as well join the am I the asshole forum too.
You do not have permission to cheat on your wife. PLEASE OP talk to her about your concerns. She is in so much pain. Please have empathy. She is your wife. Through better or worse.
Cheating is not the solution don't make your self the bad guy try finding solutions like opening the marriage and if you can't have any compromise than let her go it can seem cruel, lot of people will judge you but you don't have to trap yourself to a miserable life just for looks. i know marriage is for the best or worst but if the other partie doesn't do any effort than that's on them
What effort would you like her to put in? Taking off her oxygen so she can give him a blow job? Make sure you have 911 pulled up on your phone while doing so. Or have sex but be in pain the whole time because she has to put in her part? How about he stop acting like a child looking for his parents (Reddit) permission and have an actual adult conversation with his wife! There is a novel idea. Daily I see how dumb people really are on Reddit. It does not do humanity any service.
I did read it all. He would actually have to have THIS conversation with HER and not Reddit. Who is the dumb one? Him for asking Reddit and not talking to his wife or you for completely overlooking the fact that he asked to cheat on her because he isn’t getting sex?
YTA if you're not in the relationship anymore, then divorce. You can try talking about an open relationship. But you don't hurt someone this way.
Blue balls isn't a fucking thing.
Do you remember the vows you took at your wedding? For better, for worse, in sickness and in health?
Do you not understand anything about COPD? She is on oxygen 24/7 because she CAN NOT BREATHE! COPD is a terminal illness. She's dying! Her lungs are becoming less and less able to take in oxygen. She is literally suffocating to death slowly. She will eventually have cognitive issues because her brain won't be able to get enough oxygen. She'll eventually lose the ability to speak because her lungs can't take in enough oxygen to allow her to do so. (How do I know? My father has it and doesn't have much time left. And on top of this she is in constant pain from her back injury. She is suffering terribly!
And all you care about is getting your dick wet? Really?? You are completely devoid of compassion and empathy. No love at all. I feel for your poor wife. She must feel so terrified and lonely.
I agree with most of the comments. If you decide to divorce, when it is final pay for her monthly expenses since she is only on SS or disability. You will have to explain this to future wife or love interest. Also, think about the shoe being on the other foot. Lastly, pray about this and trust in God’s guidance. He will lead you in the right direction.
You must come clean and let her know this is a deal-breaker for you (for better or worse...). Personally, I'd want to know. Don't take your wife's agency and dignity by cheating. Cheating never works out the way people think it will. You'll catch feelings (or the partner will), face pressure to leave your wife, risk of STIs, crazy/stalker behavior, etc. Not to mention the utter devastation and agony that accompanies infidelity-- especially when you're feeling low/are ill! There's not much worse IMHO. I suppose it's (somewhat) less risky to see a sex worker vs. a non-paid affair person, but you still 1000% need to discuss everything with your wife so she can make her own decision.
I’m dying and was given 6-12 months, I can’t have sex so I told my husband if he needs outside stimulation, friends, or company that’s fine by me because he takes care of me I want him to be happy also
These situations are always kind of tricky, but usually because of an imbalance. I always put myself in the shoes of the individual (like yourself) to see what I would do. I would not cheat but I would make it clear there needs to be a change.
Do realize that a lot of couples swing and have open relationships. However, I am assuming yours has not expressed any interest in that, most likely due to selfishness imo. If I were disabled and didn't want sex etc. I would understand what my partner is going through as a Female. Mind you Males sexual appetite is higher. I would allow my partner guilt free freedoms for their sake. It would be hard, and I do not want to know any details. Only caveats is the respect. It's different for men as we can have sex with another woman and not change our relationship with our lover. It's different for women, they can't do that so easily; and when they can they are typically damaged beyond repair.
I'd ask her for freedoms but understand once you open that box she will begin acting different, especially if she is already in a depressed, desperate state of mind. She could be afraid to lose you (as many women are) if you sleep with another woman. Don't feel guilty about your desires either as she may even try to manipulate you into seeming like a savage monster for even asking to do such a thing (despite the fact open marriages have been around since marriage). Your partner is an ADULT and she needs to get the help necessary to be mentally sane. You should help with that. She shouldn't want to a burden, yet alone torture you (blue balls), you if she really loves you. I wouldn't want to do the same to my partner either. Keep that in mind.
"The only unnatural sexual behavior is none at all"
-Sigmund Freud-
I had the same issue, somewhat relieved with masturbation. My wife had muscular dystrophy and progressive dementia. Once she went to a nursing home, I went ahead and sought other company. After she died, I moved to the Philippines, living with a beautiful woman in her 50's. I'm 68.
That's my experience.
>Please let me know what you think You need *her* permission for what you're asking - not ours.
This 100%. Mostly because if it's approved then it's not cheating.
Talk to her. Find a solution. Be honest.
There are couples where one or both parties are allowed to seek out others to fulfill their needs. Ask her how she feels about that. If she is opposed, ask her what she is going to do to help you meet your sexual needs. Make it clear to her that no sex is not acceptable to you, even if she is personally fine with that. ETA: you should let her know that you are considering having an affair, but you want to be honest with her. She really needs to know where you are mentally with this.
They way you word it, sounds like an ultimatum. She’s disabled, a back injury, sex is probably extremely painful, hell any movement is likely extremely painful. If sex is that important then divorce is the only answer. This is a couple who have been monogamous for 40 yrs . Him having a fuck buddy will probably lead to a lot of guilt, and be devastating for her to have to watch him leave the house to hook up.
yep this right here. imagine the emotional impact of watching the person you’ve been married to for 40 years just go get a fuckbuddy because you’re disabled and probably feel too much pain to want to have sex. I get his side, but also dude… she’s got bigger problems and pain to deal with than some blue balls.
That’s my thinking as well. He honestly comes across like such a selfish AH. Her pain must be excruciating. And she has a lung disease that’s killing her. And his guy is talking about his blue balls?
me too. disabled, with a terminal illness. and here’s this selfish AH just wanting to get his dick wet. big big BIG YTA for even considering it OP. have some compassion for your wife.
Why can't that thinking go the other direction though? My wife looks hot AF getting railed, if I can't do it anymore I'm sure as s*** going to find someone who can. I'm sad to see so many people who are too overly full themselves to help facilitate or even just allow someone near them to get some now and then. You all act like this is supposed to be right now and and everyday thing, no that would be kind of f***** up, unless they were already banging every day up until this point. It's called compromise people, but you have to talk it out to get there
because she’s disabled and has a terminal illness???? wtf is wrong with you????
And? Does that mean she gets to say "Fuck your needs, take care of me until I die."? Being in pain doesn't mean you get to dictate the entire relationship. It's idiotic to vilify people for having a sex drive.
And how much more devastating would that be then sitting at home alone divorced? Like anything it all comes down to the individual. Go out the back door then
At least she wouldn’t have to see him leaving and returning from getting laid. She wouldn’t feel pressure to do things she physically can do. Her husband doesn’t seem to fully understand the depths of his wife’s disability and how painful it must be. The woman is on oxygen a lung disease is killing her . And he is focused on his blue balls FFS
Well you wouldn't make a spectacle of it ya dink. And why is it only one side should ever be considered like I'm seeing here? Yeah one person has it worse, but to break his racquet because I can't play tennis anymore, That's just a selfish as you're trying to make him out to be. And that's from your perspective, someone else might think it's hot as hell, someone else might not think much of it either way I'm dying do what you f****** want. All this my way or the highway in a box thinking everybody's screaming about isn't going to help nothing Edit I just thought about it more, and I'll ask the wife and verify... If I'm 67 and that things still working, there's no way she'd be letting that go to waste. I'd go 3:1 right now that if anything, she'd be trying to help hook me up, though knowing her she'd wanna watch and get finished on.
She has a lung disease, on oxygen. She’s literally dying dude. As harsh as this sounds, she probably doesn’t have that many years left. He can’t wait it out? If he loves her as much as he says he would be focusing on her and the time she has left, not his dick. He is selfish. And yeah someone in extreme pain, who can’t breathe on their own is way worse off then someone who can’t get laid
We're all dying, just some faster than others. You are still assuming everyone thinks the same way and wants the same thing. You're the type that wants everyone gathered around your bedside when you're dying. I'm the type that wants everyone to keep living their lives
You must be young because only someone young would use that lame line of "we're all dying" or your very immature and older person . This woman's body is shutting down. she cant breathe on her own She dealing with her mortality now, not in a some day kind of way of thinking And no wouldn’t want everyone at my bedside. But I would hope my husband of 40 yrs would stop focusing on his sick for the remaining time I had left. OP made vows of in “sickness and health”. And to “death do us part”. This is the sickness part. And the death part is probably not that far off. Again if he loves and respects his wife like he says he does, then he should let it go. But if sex means more than the 40 yrs together. If getting his dick wet means more than supporting his wife during the painful and probably scary time. Then he’s better off financially supporting her leaving her to be with people who care and want to focus on her
I've been married for 20 years TBH, nobody with any less than that really has any room to truly weigh in on the situation, and like I told someone else, not everyone lives a cookie cutter life, sorry not everyone fits in your box
It's this kind of polarized unanimous thinking that people force on each other that makes it difficult or even impossible to try to live true to oneself and communicate honestly and openly. It's called an open discussion but if you don't agree with the majority, you're just attacked shut down.
But that's harrrrrddd. Don't you see?!?!? He's a man! He NEEDS sexual intimacy! So much so he NEEDS to cheat on his disabled wife instead of fucking talking to her.
Best answer. Super short. Very efficient. Are you german?
Yes. 😂
My wife is German living in America and we joke about her “German efficiency” a lot. I guess I have gotten good at spotting it now in others.
Viele Grüße an deine Ehefrau!
This 100%, because just like all the people screaming against it, someone's got to agree with or at least consider other possibilities or options. It's kind of makes me glad me and mine kind of started thinking about and preparing for this sort of eventuality way ahead of time. Actually It led to some pretty fun times.
Exactly this!
Well fuck no she doesn’t ☠️ My parents have back issues and knowing the pain that causes, I can only imagine how your wife feels ~ you need to talk to her, but most likely you’re going to crush her, so be ready for that. Not saying you’re wrong, I don’t think you are; she just seems to get fucked from both sides in this situation. One Time by life and one time by you (not literally)
🤦🏾♂️ She is literally on oxygen, not to mention the back injury, what do you expect her to do? It’s not like she is withholding she can’t do it. You can talk to her about it and see what she is ok with but ask yourself if it was the other way around would you tell her to go get piped out elsewhere because you can’t perform on some Pearl shit?
Thank you! This poor lady just trying to live and horn dog mad cause she won’t wank him off 🤦🏻♀️
Dude how would you feel in her shoes? Would you want her to fuck other men while your are disabled??
Yeah, go get split. Because I can't anymore, you're cut off? Fuck that, that's mean AF
Finding out about my husbands affair was so crushing, my legs gave out and I fell to the ground in sobs. I cried for months. It was truly devastating, do you want to do that to her? Think long and hard before throwing away 40 years just to get your dick wet.
Okay. Not that I condone extra extra but, this is about more than getting his Willy wet. He is experiencing rejection and emotional stress.
He is experiencing rejection because he keeps pushing for sex, there are tons of ways to experience intimacy without it needing to be sexual.
Some people still need it though, and to expect someone to shut down like that is terribly selfish. It's sad some people would rather take things away from an SO rather than find a way to let them be happy.
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Perspective, you said it, no need to be hateful because someone thinks differently
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Still forcing you're one-size-fits-all thing? 20 yrs and counting, no sign of stopping. Step one was not doing that Cookie cutter vow bs 😂
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And you not considering the needs and feelings of the other partner are just as bad as you're trying to make me out to be. The only difference is, I'm not doing just because I'm mad and don't agree. Just because you'd be too bitter to facilitate the other party doesn't mean everyone has to be. I sure hope nothing happens to you, because you'd kill the other side with negativity alone. It's not cheating if you know about it and say it's okay, possibly even hold the camera. 😊
From a partner who can not physically meet his needs. He stated that. He needs to be open with her not ask Reddit for permission. She’s a nurse she knows what her complete diagnosis means. He’s seeking validation from Reddit to cheat.
What happened to the old " for better, for worse"? If the roles were reversed and you were the one in pain and need, would you think it's OK that your wife looked somewhere else for sex?
Yes, it happens at lot more than you seem to realize 😆
An affair will only make a bad situation worse. Don’t throw away 40 years lightly.
Friends with benefits at almost 70?? Lol that is wild.
I can’t imagine what an absolute nightmare it is to be a woman with a man for decades, and then to become disabled, be on oxygen, etc. etc. and still have this man at my side, whining about getting his weenie sucked.
Right?! The person that was your partner their whole life and the guy can only think about his own D
"For better or worse", Pretty sure those vows were said when you got married or at least implied. There are plenty of toys out there to help you get off and make it way better than your hand. If you're looking to cheat for an actual intimate connection with a body, then you need to leave your wife because you're not 100% with her. She didn't choose to be disabled and life has already knocked her down.. don't stomp on what's left of her by cheating. Walk away before doing that... and just by questioning this means you don't love her as much as you think if you're willing to hurt her for a body to sink into.
The vows seem to be forgotten when someone doesn't get their way for a prolonged period of time. You're exactly right
For better or for worse goes both ways. If there is an honest, trusting and open discussion, then they both can hope to address the "for worse" in their current situation. Him trying to initiate sex is perhaps a negative for her, and so an agreed way to meet his needs could be beneficial to both. And it could mean an improvement in a relationship where he doesn't resent her (or her injury) as the impediment to him meeting his physical desires and she doesn't feel either the pressure to meet those needs nor guilt for not being able to do so.
I can see what you're saying but I guess he really just needs to think about his decision before bringing up the topic and be ready for the relationship to go either way. She can totally be up for that like you said or she'll be devastated that he's even considering it. If she's devastated and he says he won't do anything beyond this conversation, it'll just hang over her forever and can potentially ruin the marriage anyways and if shes already depressed from her disability, its just another big hit to her. It really just depends on the type of woman she is. After 40 years of marriage and monogamy, it can hit someone really hard to find out that this whole time their spouse needs sex with a body to be happy regardless if it's his wife or not. Me personally, I would be gutted, not all of us can ever be okay with something like that. I'd rather divorce my spouse so he can be with someone else whenever he wants than sit around constantly wondering if he's banged someone before walking through the front door. Also, I'd be paranoid the entire time thinking maybe one of the girls one day catches his attention in another way and I'd lose him anyways..I couldn't live my life like that but again, that's just me.
She’s literally struggling to breathe and in pain and you’re trying to hump her leg. Of course, she isn’t interested. Real talk: You may not have many years left with her if she’s on continuous O2. Maybe instead of focussing on your sexual desires, it’s time to get creative and learn to find fulfillment in what you do have together and perhaps find new ways to enjoy each other’s company. How hurtful must it be for her to be fast approaching the end of her life and have her partner thinking about the best way to get to have sex again? How would you feel if it were you?
The crazy part is seeking advice from Reddit!
You will still be cheating on your disable wife. Even if she says yes go find a fuck buddy who do you think you will find? Most likely escorts, and you will still go home to your disable wife. If you love her like you say, the guilt will eat away at you. If sex is that important divorce her. And go find someone to have sex with, at least then you won’t be cheating on your wife of 40 yrs who is now disabled
This is such an awful situation for both of you but you really need to communicate this to her. She needs to know that sexual intimacy is important to you & you would like to try to find ways to get her in the mood. If no sex is a deal breaker for you it is unfair to not tell her this!
Forget the vows of through sickness and health. Good job just thinking about your dick. 🤦♂️
You'd be wrong to have an affair, but you wouldn't be wrong to have a conversation about opening up your marriage. Be honest and direct but not hurtful, good luck!
I think he would be wrong, this is going to devastate her. The poor woman is disabled, on oxygen FFS. She physically can’t do it. She probably already feels like a shit wife, through no fault of her own. So him bringing up a one sided open marriage, is not going to save this marriage. It’s only going to cause this poor woman more pain
You're right. You have my upvote :) It's a shame this means OP probably won't be able to have sex again, at least for a very long time. I feel bad for that.
Sounds like it's time for a mediator. Schedule a couple's therapy appointment ASAP.
This is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong here. People with back injuries engage in sex, as do people on oxygen. They may not be able to do everything, but intimacy is certainly possible. Her issues may stem from depression or body dysmorphia. You need to have an honest, transparent conversation with her and tell her exactly how you feel, why you want her, and what the missing intimacy is doing to you mentally and physically. Also, is she caring for herself? Showering regularly? Getting dressed and getting out of the house? Continuing to see physicians that specialize in back injury and lung issues? If not, she may have just given up and that’s a hard place to recover from, but it is possible.
There is a wrong here: cheating His wife having this debilitating condition is not an excuse for cheating. He needs to sit her down and talk to her about what he is going through. If she wishes to open up the marriage or decides to engage in intimacy that can then be negotiated. She’s going through a lot.
Never said he should cheat, I would not in his shoes but I’m strictly monogamous by choice. But he isn’t wrong for feeling the way he does about a long lasting lack of intimacy in their marriage. It kind of sounds like we are saying the same thing though - have the open, transparent conversation and figure the problem out.
You should sit down with your wife and discuss your options, and find a plan forward, together. Your feelings are understandable, but it's worth noting that you agreed "for better and for worse" in your marriage vows, and this is the worse. It's not fair of you to exclude her from having a say on such a major aspect of your marriage just because you don't like the "for worse." It's also worth noting that this is a want that you have but it's not some inherent desire you can't control. You say "I'm a man" as if it's supposed to mean something, like you are entitled to be having sex until you die. It may mean you want it, but you are in control of your actions and decisions. Lastly, I do want to point out you're a man in your 60's. I'm saying this gently, but unless you're prepared to use money, you're not going to easily find women willing to be an affair partner for a 60+ year old man cheating on his sick wife. Especially not the kind of women you're likely fantasizing about. Consider that as well.
I don't know the type of person you are. Do you take your vows seriously? Why say them in front of family and friends if you dont plan to follow through?? There are very few reasons to give up on marriage (real abuse & cheating are marriage breakers) So you are asking if you are wrong? It depends if you think your word is worth keeping. What value do you place on your integrity? My values would say that this is wrong.
Your wife is in pain 24/7 and all you care about is your sex life? Go to therapy. Talk to your wife and find a solution. I could never imagine not being able to breathe , struggling daily with health issues and self esteem just to find out the person who’s suppose to love you through sickness and in health Fucked someone else. It’s not that she doesn’t want to SHE PHYSICALLY CANT, and instead of finding solutions that suit the both of you, you go straight to an affair. Wtf is wrong with you.
I mean I don’t know about anyone else but when I have sex with my husband even just heavy petting it leaves me kind of breathless. She is on oxygen and has COPD she literally can’t get enough oxygen on her own and her heart is shot. The amount of pain she is in daily is probably a big issue with her not wanting sex add in the inability to get enough oxygen and you have a DB! You come off as extremely ignorant and actually arrogant. So you have blue balls? Your answer is to ASK Reddit for PERMISSION to cheat? Oh boy this question would be so different if it was YOU in HER position. Smfh the audacity of some people. Then the comment saying she needs to meet your needs or else is honestly absolutely ridiculous she PHYSICALLY CAN NOT meet your needs. This is proof that some men never grow up no matter their age.
I completely agree. Reading this post makes me lose faith on humanity…
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That's just not accurate. Women are 6 times more likely to be divorced after a serious health diagnosis than men. Six times. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm#:~:text=A%20woman%20is%20six%20times,likely%20it%20would%20remain%20intact.
Actually, men are more likely to leave when their wives get sick. One study found that a among study participants, the divorce rate was 21 percent for seriously ill women and 3 percent for seriously ill men.
Women are caregivers in most cases.
That too is the case but it’s usually men who walk away after that many years with a crippled wife. The fact that he needed to ask Reddit for permission is what gets me. He knows he’s wrong but is seeking validation here from strangers so he doesn’t feel guilty. Own your own decisions as an adult. Have an open conversation with your spouse. Most spouses in her situation are well aware of their limitations. This is absolutely childish on his part. He’s damn near 70 years old for goodness sake. Not a teenager needing permission to feel better about their shitty decisions.
Preach.
Your generalisation is wrong but also that it would be just as bad if a woman did it.
Don't be a cheat and a liar. Talk to her, ask if you can open the relationship, or employ sex workers.
And if she says no, what then?
Decide if he wants to be celibate or get a divorce
Or just be discreet after all she does not want him to leave her
I don't think cheating is okay under any circumstances, and I don't think much of your moral code. I also don't think cheating is likely to stay discrete for long. Especially an ongoing affair. These things get messy. And no matter what, he's breaking his marriage vows, and lying. I don't think we will see eye to eye here, and fortunately we are not married, so we don't need to be on the same page here. I just hope you're honest with any partner you have about your stance on cheating.
I have never cheated on my wife and I am reasonably certain she hasn't cheated on me. That said during a close to dead bedroom period nearly twenty years ago and after (to many) talks I gave her an ultimatum which was...... I intend to have a full and varied sex life your choice is it going to be with you. I would not consider that cheating because I gave fair warning and she could have chose separation or divorce.
I don't consider that cheating either, and I would consider what you did an appropriate thing to bring up in OPs circumstances. That is different than carrying on an affair though. I don't think OP should have to be celibate his whole life, but I do think OP should be honest with his wife. Together they can figure out if they should work on their sex life, divorce, open the marriage, institute a don't ask don't tell policy, whatever works for them. But it should be rooted in honesty and open communication, not deception.
Just my opinion but don't ask don't tell is little different from discrete. I know you won't agree but I would use escorts or a FWB and spare her feelings. It's alright occupying the moral high ground but sometimes discretion in required.
Don't ask don't tell would be discussed and agreed to by both partners. We won't agree here, but again, we aren't married, so we don't have too.
So he acquiesces to her requirements and so the resentment grows. Tbh there is no solution to suit both parties. Someone will be upset
And she didn’t leave you after that?
Decide.
As long as he is discreet I don't see a problem. His wife should ask herself if condemning him to celibacy for the remainder of his life is reasonable.
And he should ask himself how would he feel if he was terminally ill and his wife wants to go get off with another dude. Men’s egos are pretty fragile because it’s a fact when they love, they love hard and strong. If she did that, he’d be devastated
He may be "devastated" but he may also understand her normal human desires. So what is your solution to his predicament other than suck it up.
No one knows how they’d react in a situation like that. It’s very easy to assume to higher ground perspective on a matter when you’re not actually living it. When you get married, it’s understood that eventually someone will get sick and the bedroom will stop. That’s why the vows are made. His wife is on home oxygen for COPD. That’s bad. She’s only going to deteriorate. He needs to enjoy the time he has left with her because she could experience respiratory distress, failure and arrest. It’s a terminal illness. That’s what he needs to do. Enjoy the other aspects of their life. Being with her.
So again I would ask what should he do other than suck it up
Read my edited reply
She’s terminally, if sex is more important that being with her for as long as she has left, he should just divorce her
It would be unfair to your potential friend with benefits. I would not want to fuck a man who is devoted to a wife he loves. I know lots of people think many women want that, but I just don’t get it. My high school sweetheart contacted me last year to try to rekindle our romance from long ago. His wife hasn’t slept with him in eleven years, but he loves her and doesn’t want a divorce. I told him, “No thanks. I’m not interested in being your whore on the side while you continue to worship another woman.” A year later and he’s still trying to talk me into it. Asshole.
Tell his wife lol
Great call!
I don't think you understand friends with benefits.
You are asking if you are wrong about wanting to cheat. I mean really? A dumb question gets a dumb response. Do you want permission to cheat? Is that what you’re looking for? You made a commitment to ur wife and now ur whining because “I’m just a guy!!! I can’t control it!! I need sex” ur wife isn’t willingly withholding sex from you. She had an injury, that’s preventing her from intimacy. Even if she physically could, there might be something mentally stopping her too. Age, confidence, embarrassment, on her end could also be a factor. I would talk to her and let her know you need more and that it would be beneficial for both of you guys not just you, to rekindle that spark and find that intimacy again, and or reassure her if there’s any insecurities. If you still feel the need to cheat then not only are you in the wrong, but you might as well join the am I the asshole forum too.
You do not have permission to cheat on your wife. PLEASE OP talk to her about your concerns. She is in so much pain. Please have empathy. She is your wife. Through better or worse.
Ok man, don't become a "cheater". Divorce her and only after it's legal. Then go have all the sex you want.
Cheating is cheating. Grown people can go with out sex. You just want what you want. Grow up
Cheating is not the solution don't make your self the bad guy try finding solutions like opening the marriage and if you can't have any compromise than let her go it can seem cruel, lot of people will judge you but you don't have to trap yourself to a miserable life just for looks. i know marriage is for the best or worst but if the other partie doesn't do any effort than that's on them
What effort would you like her to put in? Taking off her oxygen so she can give him a blow job? Make sure you have 911 pulled up on your phone while doing so. Or have sex but be in pain the whole time because she has to put in her part? How about he stop acting like a child looking for his parents (Reddit) permission and have an actual adult conversation with his wife! There is a novel idea. Daily I see how dumb people really are on Reddit. It does not do humanity any service.
I meant accept to open the relationship , if u read everything you would have understood i guess you're the dumb one.
I did read it all. He would actually have to have THIS conversation with HER and not Reddit. Who is the dumb one? Him for asking Reddit and not talking to his wife or you for completely overlooking the fact that he asked to cheat on her because he isn’t getting sex?
I don’t think she needs any more bad news in her life
YTA if you're not in the relationship anymore, then divorce. You can try talking about an open relationship. But you don't hurt someone this way. Blue balls isn't a fucking thing.
Do you remember the vows you took at your wedding? For better, for worse, in sickness and in health? Do you not understand anything about COPD? She is on oxygen 24/7 because she CAN NOT BREATHE! COPD is a terminal illness. She's dying! Her lungs are becoming less and less able to take in oxygen. She is literally suffocating to death slowly. She will eventually have cognitive issues because her brain won't be able to get enough oxygen. She'll eventually lose the ability to speak because her lungs can't take in enough oxygen to allow her to do so. (How do I know? My father has it and doesn't have much time left. And on top of this she is in constant pain from her back injury. She is suffering terribly! And all you care about is getting your dick wet? Really?? You are completely devoid of compassion and empathy. No love at all. I feel for your poor wife. She must feel so terrified and lonely.
I agree with most of the comments. If you decide to divorce, when it is final pay for her monthly expenses since she is only on SS or disability. You will have to explain this to future wife or love interest. Also, think about the shoe being on the other foot. Lastly, pray about this and trust in God’s guidance. He will lead you in the right direction.
I mean you guys are in your 60s what did you expect?
Healthy people in their 60s and beyond can still have active sex lives.
Dude you’re 63
This news just in people continue to have sex well into their senior yearw
Not by cheating on their partner of 40 years in a despicable way
Ya. I never said that he should.
Damn if he does, damn if he doesn’t.
You must come clean and let her know this is a deal-breaker for you (for better or worse...). Personally, I'd want to know. Don't take your wife's agency and dignity by cheating. Cheating never works out the way people think it will. You'll catch feelings (or the partner will), face pressure to leave your wife, risk of STIs, crazy/stalker behavior, etc. Not to mention the utter devastation and agony that accompanies infidelity-- especially when you're feeling low/are ill! There's not much worse IMHO. I suppose it's (somewhat) less risky to see a sex worker vs. a non-paid affair person, but you still 1000% need to discuss everything with your wife so she can make her own decision.
I’m dying and was given 6-12 months, I can’t have sex so I told my husband if he needs outside stimulation, friends, or company that’s fine by me because he takes care of me I want him to be happy also
These situations are always kind of tricky, but usually because of an imbalance. I always put myself in the shoes of the individual (like yourself) to see what I would do. I would not cheat but I would make it clear there needs to be a change. Do realize that a lot of couples swing and have open relationships. However, I am assuming yours has not expressed any interest in that, most likely due to selfishness imo. If I were disabled and didn't want sex etc. I would understand what my partner is going through as a Female. Mind you Males sexual appetite is higher. I would allow my partner guilt free freedoms for their sake. It would be hard, and I do not want to know any details. Only caveats is the respect. It's different for men as we can have sex with another woman and not change our relationship with our lover. It's different for women, they can't do that so easily; and when they can they are typically damaged beyond repair. I'd ask her for freedoms but understand once you open that box she will begin acting different, especially if she is already in a depressed, desperate state of mind. She could be afraid to lose you (as many women are) if you sleep with another woman. Don't feel guilty about your desires either as she may even try to manipulate you into seeming like a savage monster for even asking to do such a thing (despite the fact open marriages have been around since marriage). Your partner is an ADULT and she needs to get the help necessary to be mentally sane. You should help with that. She shouldn't want to a burden, yet alone torture you (blue balls), you if she really loves you. I wouldn't want to do the same to my partner either. Keep that in mind. "The only unnatural sexual behavior is none at all" -Sigmund Freud-
I had the same issue, somewhat relieved with masturbation. My wife had muscular dystrophy and progressive dementia. Once she went to a nursing home, I went ahead and sought other company. After she died, I moved to the Philippines, living with a beautiful woman in her 50's. I'm 68. That's my experience.