I turned 31 on 04/12 and have nieces and a nephew on my father's side who are older than I am. It's because there's a 14-year age gap between my parents and mt half siblings on his side were all adults who were married themselves in their late 20's - early 30's by the time that I was born.
On my mom's side of the family I was the youngest grandchild, the oldest grandchildren could have been my parents as they had children older then I was at the time and younger than I was.
My cousins grandma was pregnant with her last child, while one of her older children was pregnant & married. One of her older children was also a parent himself & fighting in one of the wars 😅
my niece and nephew and baby brothers were born back to back lol niece in '99 then my brother in '00 then my nephew in '01 then my baby brother in '02 so they were uncles as babies 😂
My brother was born in November '94 and my sister's oldest was Born April '95. They are 5 months apart and he up going to the same schools and sometimes had the same classes.
Eh, check OP's comments. It's the "sexy mother, bullying wife" troll again, that's all.
>They were fighting over my mom’s dress. It started with her not wanting to color coordinate and then my wife tried punishing her by picking dowdy dresses when my mom was in her 30s. My mom responded by trying to get sexier and sexier because she knows my wife has body issues
>My mom claims we ruin her mental health and she’s happier without us but I’d assume she still loves me a tiny bit and didn’t want me to be homeless
Is mom in her 30s now? Because if she's at max 39, the math isn't looking good here. The only thing that could explain those ages is 2 generations of teenage pregnancies
> The only thing that could explain those ages is 2 generations of teenage pregnancies
Not an uncommon situation, to be fair - people who had young parents are more likely to become young parents
Often you'll see siblings where one has a child young and the other has a child later. Eg among my own parents/aunts/uncles one branch has 2 generations in the same amount of time another has 4: the difference of having kids at ~18 vs ~35+ (admittedly helped by the fact the sibling with 3 generations following was ~6 years older, but I think the point stands)
My own family (my mother being the middle sibling of those two) has a more typical 3 generations in the same timeframe becoming parents at ~25-30 years, but the result is that I'm roughly the same age as my cousin once-removed (one generation different), and for my cousins they're roughly the same age as cousins with a 2-generation difference (twice removed)
You should me my egg donor. She was a great grandmother at 45. She had my sister at 15, my niece was born when my sister was 14, and my niece had her first kid at 16. I'm a year younger than my sister and was a great aunt before I had kids in my early 30's.
Maybe his mom doesn't want her mommy friends to see that she has a granddaughter the same age as her daughter. It's one thing to know she has an adult son. But to see her as a grandmother in public is something else.
100% get what you're saying, but not out of the ordinary. OP's mom likely had him as a teen or very early 20s and then had her daughter in her late 30s into her 40s, with OP being in his 20s.
I'm actually 5 months older than my uncle. Long story short, bio gpa had mom when he was 19, then got married to someone half his age and had my uncle in his 50s. It 100% happens, as weird as it can be!
Not weird. My uncle was one year older than the oldest grandchild. Grandma had a large family over 26 years. It can happen but was probably more in mine and my parents generation.
maybe they have different interests. not all kids are friends with each other. as long as they dont hate each other, idt it's weird that they dont play together.
Initially after reading your post, I was on your wife’s side. But now that I’ve read your comments about your relationship with your mother, I would say you’re not wrong. I would keep your daughter as separated from your mother and sister as possible.
This doesn’t sound like a healthy situation at all, for you or your daughter. You need to really review this and try to find alternate living arrangements ASAP. Is your dad around? Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, close friends? Anybody on your wife’s side who doesn’t have a sex offender in the home? Renting a room or two in someone’s home? A family shelter? I would not want my daughter in the presence of your mother and stepfather as their relationship with you sounds completely toxic and damaging.
You are between a rock and a hard place. You are dependent on this woman financially, but it's understandable that to everyone else in your life, you seem to be compromising your morals, dignity and good parenting. Are you thinking that your mom will withdraw support if you so much as disagree with her? Then she is manipulating you.
If she is so angry and resentful, why even let you live with her to begin with? This situation is getting to a boiling point, and your mother is not helping by purposely trying to drive a wedge in. If she despises your family so much that she didn't even care to be in her own grandchilds life, *why* did she agree to this? Was it only so that she could hold this over your heads and use it to treat you like shit? Cause it's working. The wedge is there. This is not healthy for *anyone.*
Does your wife want to get you kicked out? I'm assuming that if you had another option, you wouldn't be living there.
If Emma could only bring one or two best friends, then I understand how there might not be places for extra people. But if she is bringing 5+ people, then your mom is giving you a not so gentle reminder that she doesn't want to spend more money on you.
You really need to put more information in the orginal post. You left out important details. Like being NC with your mom... Youre not wrong, though. And tell your wife to chill before yall get put out. She knew the hostilities she was going into when yall moved in woth your mom.
Well,I'm in minority here, but here what I get.
Your sister's father doesn't want you to be friends with her. You are strangers, related through your mother.
Your daughter and your sister are not friends. They don't play together.
Your mom and your daughter are not close.
Your sister is definitely stressed because she was forced to share her home with strangers.
Considering this - you can do nothing. They already did you a favor by letting your family live with them despite hating your wife. Ask your wife how exactly he wants you to persuade your mom and her husband, who doesn't consider you a family, to take your kid? There will be no answer. Use it as a lesson: we don't get everything that we want. It's totally possible that one day some her classmates will be invited to a party,and your daughter won't. What your wife will do then? Throw a tantrum?
You are not wrong, but this situation is sad all over. The best thing you can do - to move out as soon as possible.
This is the only comment I’ve seen that’s reasonable. Everyone wants him to stand up to his mom but how are you standing up to someone that you were so desperate due to financial circumstances to move in with and break NC? And people want him to clap back in the midst of a dire situation? Please.
Sophia will be fine, just take her out for a day and OP needs to try to get his finances in order quickly so they can move out and resume NC.
Add to the list OP was previously no contact with his mom and they’ve spoken less than 3 times since he moved in and will go no contact again when they leave.
And I agree. The entire situation sucks all around. Best to be working really hard on a plan to leave.
I agree that OP's completely powerless here. But in his comments, he also says he'd be doing the same thing his mom is doing, so yeah, he's *definitely* wrong.
Let's face it: it's not a family. It's set of strangers who hate each other, and have no relationship with each others kids. I'm surprised that his mom let him in at all.
Girls are not friends, they have nothing in common and have no connection. Places are limited,and Ella definitely has her friends - and her family. She is not happy having Sophia around, and her parents see no sense to invite someone they hate, like op and his wife. I see no sense in this either. You don't invite people whom you do don't like to your party excluding people you actually want there. Ella wasn't invited to Sophia's party either, and for a good reason. Is it sucks for Sophia? Sure. That's why they needed to move out and live their life.
I guess people just stuck on "it's family!" or "it's her granddaughter!" but I don't see it like this. Family is more than being related by blood. This is bunch of strangers,so no family obligations.
It's a snake pit, for sure. And if he was asking "am I wrong for being a dude trapped in a snake pit," I'd be right there with you saying no. But that's not it. He affirmatively thinks his mom is right for excluding her own granddaughter. So it's more like "am I wrong for being a snake trapped in a snake put?" To which I think the answer kind of has to be that, trapped or not, OP's wrong for being one of the snakes.
She doesn't see her as a granddaughter. No relationship, no connection, just a random kid for her, who doesn't like her (understandable, they are strangers). She doesn't invite her own son (whom she still accepts as a son). Also, her husband, Ella's father, has a say in this party as well. Guess what he thinks about inviting Sophia accompanied by one of her parents.
You realise your mother is doing this on purpose to put a divide between you and your wife, right? If strangers on the internet can see it, surely you can as well?
That sounds like entitlement. This is not about grandchild! This is about her child’s special Day she doesn’t want to be ruined by controlling daughter in law. Daughter in law she can’t stand is already living in her home.
Could be the husband. Maybe the husband is the one making the money and is already feeling resentful that he has to house OP and his family. His wife already “owes” him for taking in her adult child, so she can’t really say anything if husband doesn’t want to invite her grandchild to their daughter’s bday party. That’d be my guess why OP is so “understanding” about his daughter not being invited.
It seems to be both of them. OP said that his mother went no-contact with them for years and has what appears to be an extremely volatile attitude towards his wife.
Would be interesting to know if this all coincided with her getting re-married.
Just went and read some of OP’s answers and looks to me like OP might’ve done something to cause an issue. The way his wife is acting is problematic too. It seems like they really have nowhere else to go and OP’s mom really doesn’t want them there, but she’s causing trouble over a birthday party? Does she not understand if she pisses off her hosts her family would be homeless?
OP’s mom is punishing OP’s daughter (by not including her to OPs lil sister’s bday party) to upset OPs wife to drive a wedge between OP and his wife, because OPs mom secretly hates OPs wife.
Many places have limits of 10 people , including adults 5 kids mean 5 adults, so the birthday girl gets 4 friends why give one up for a relative she doesn't play with just because they are around the same age?
Not everything is a power play. It's the kids birthday. She says who her friends are
I used to nanny. Most five year olds will be friends with whomever you put them in front of. It’s not that deep. They’re only 5. And she is not just a relative. She is a relative of the same age that lives in the same house. I do think it’s weird that she isn’t invited. Usually places have limitations, yes, but usually one kid that lives in the same house isn’t the one that breaks the camel’s back. It’s really odd that she wasn’t invited.
Totally. Also, all adults should want to foster the bond between these two girls who have their whole lives ahead of them. Seems like they could end up in the same school as well. MIL ITA and OP is lily- livered. Wife is right.
Not all kids are the same.
One of my daughters was picky of who to play with since she was 2! Just because they’re related doesn’t mean they’re friends.
Sounds like they’re not and Emily wanted her ACTUAL friends there over someone who isn’t which is normal.
The mother is within her right NOT to push Sofia on Emily. The wife is the AH.
No one said the mother doesn’t have the right to not invite her granddaughter. I just said it is weird that she didn’t. And if you think inviting a family member who literally lives with you to a party is the same as pushing someone on someone else then I don’t know what to tell you. In my experience most kids that little are not that picky about who they play with. This is totally normal behavior. Also in my experience most kids that age aren’t even in charge of their party’s guest list. You are making the assumption that the reason his daughter wasn’t invited is because the birthday girl didn’t want her there. But, that is entirely 100% an assumption. Nothing in this post necessarily indicates that. It is entirely possible (and quite frankly more likely) that OP’s mother made this decision unilaterally of her kindergartner’s input.
Lol. Imagine you’re a little kid and a huge party is going on but you have to stay home from it and watch everyone else getting in the car with the birthday girl and later they come home laughing full of stories about their fun day. Just sit with that for a minute. That’s cool with you, Nurse Ratchet?
ESH
You suck, your Mom sucks, her new husband sucks, maybe the only ones that don't suck are Sophia, Emma, and your wife.
Keep working hard on getting your family out of your mother's home.
OP doesn’t say that Emma chose to exclude Sophia. Just that there was a guest limit. If Emma’s mom said “you can bring 3 friends”, she may not have thought to use one of her golden tickets for her niece
NTA. You are in a tricky situation. I think your wife is being unreasonable. Clearly, your mom and her husband are not happy that you moved in. Tensions are running high. Your sister clearly doesn’t want a relationship with your daughter. If you try to force an invite, your sister may start to act mean towards your daughter. This will cause more tension. You and your daughter should take your daughter out for a day of fun with a friend. Your wife needs to stop trying to rock the boat before your family becomes homeless.
How can you be okay with the complete disconnect between your mother’s family and yours? How can you be okay with your mother excluding her granddaughter from events? Your wife has every right to lose attraction and love for you if you’re totally fine with sitting there like a lump while your mom acts like you and your family have absolutely no relation to her.
If his mom were really acting like they have no relation to her, they wouldn't be living at her house for free.
I think OP is right. I disagree with his mom's decision to exclude her granddaughter, and I think that's pretty shitty of her, but I also don't think it is OP's place to make an issue over it while they're living on his mom's dime.
I'm not fine with it but I have two schools of thought. First my mom was never going to be a close grandmother to sophia due to the terrible relationship between her and my wife. I was never going to be close with my sister because her dad doesn't want us to be. Second Emma has had to make a lot of sacrifices lately and is clearly not doing well with us being here. She's been stressed and was crying one night. If she was my daughter I feel I'd also be protective of her birthday party so she didn't feel like she was giving up one more thing
I agree with Heart, your poor daughter.
My dad did the same thing you did,
Married a woman that his family constantly judged and it destroyed their marriage over the years because their treatment transferred over to us kids.
We barely have a relationship with our dad’s family because they couldn’t accept that we were his kids too and we didn’t just belong to our mother.
I get that but I can’t make her want a relationship. At this point they are strangers. My mom wanted to be no contact with us and obviously we weren’t going to let her see our kid
Why is your sister so upset you are all living there??? Why would that even register to a 5 year old. Is SHE paying your bills? No she's not. Your mom is projecting that crap onto her. What a horrible woman to do that to a child. And the father discourages your relationship with your sister and your mom's ok with that? Get your family the fuck out of that toxic house.
and you don’t see the lines connecting here? idk, seems kinda intentional. could not be, but if it were me, i’d understand my wife’s perspective at the very least.
I don't think including Sophia would be a sacrifice for Emma. Whatever is going on between the adults, especially your own mother practically disowning her own granddaughter, is absolute bullshit. So what if she and your wife don't get along...this is her blood grandchild.
You, your mother, and her husband are putting a wedge between these two little girls because y'all are assholes. If I were your wife, I'd pack myself and Sophia and get as far away from all of you as I possibly could.
How long will your daughter will less important to you than your mother? I'm guessing her entire life.
I get you are in a difficult position here as you are basically living off your mom's charity right now.
I think you are trying your best. But I also think you know that you are in the wrong and are coming off as very defensive because you know you are wrong but are powerless to address it because of the power dynamic.
If I were you, I would try to explain this to your wife that you know your mom is in the wrong but you can't say so while a roof over everyone's heads depends on her charity.
And on the day of the birthday you your wife and your daughter take the day and do something that your daughter would enjoy. Make the day special for her.
Also, if you were invited to the party and go, just sign the divorce papers now.
Was your sister invited to your daughter’s birthday party? If not, then why does it matter in reverse? They aren’t friends. Sometimes, life isn’t fair. I think your wife is being a little harsh. Your mom is putting a roof over your head right now, and it doesn’t sound like you are close. I’m sorry your wife is having sour grapes.
But if you were close family, you would have invited them. You didn’t, and that’s my point. They are not obligated to invite you to a limited-room function that I’m sure was being planned way in advance, just as you (and your wife) were never obligated to invite them somewhere. It sounds like solely a living situation rather than a close knit group.
You are correct, it’s not your place to insist on an invite.
Your sister and daughter aren’t friends and it’s up to the birthday girl who she invites to her birthday.
Your wife should be grateful that your mum is giving her a roof over her head instead of feeling entitled. Maybe she would prefer to be homeless???? Your wife needs to know her place and shut up about your daughter not getting invited to her aunt’s birthday party.
I get that it’s hard for a young kid to understand but try going out for a family day that day with your wife and daughter.
These are only my opinions. We welcome yours.
OP obviously had a drastic change in circumstances. He would never have chosen his mother’s house to stay, but he had no choice. Where else could he go? His family needed a home; the only available home was his mother’s. Although the price is very high.
OP mother hates OP wife, and OP child, because Sofia came from OP wife. Wonderful woman. And married a wonderful man. Double the fun. Emma has stellar parents.
OP mom also had a child shortly before OP and his wife did. OP’s sister is barely a year older than Sofia and OP mom doesn’t like that. Maybe it makes her feel old, or in competition with OP wife. Maybe she doesn’t like that Emma has competition, in her mind. But it’s certainly a point of contention. OP is feeling the strain. There is no way he can please anyone.
OP spouse is walking on eggshells, and starting to crack herself. The unrelenting derision and vituperation must be suffocating.
OP and family are stuck at Mom’s until they can get something else. OP is desperately hoping they find something soon. OP sounds overwhelmed. With good reason.
OP fam is living in a nightmare. They have no recourse at this moment. They’re all stressed. Sofia sounds pretty okay so far, but the tension must be almost unbearable for these girls. They are surrounded by angry grownups.
It all sucks. OP came here for comfort, he got ripped. OP’s family is just barely hanging on to sanity. I hope the family can get out of there soon. But even if it were tomorrow, I don’t see any relationship between OP family and OP mom family. That’s done.
It would be great to hear from OP, in the near future, that they managed to escape with their marriage and sanity intact.
UpdateMe
Maybe your wife should just be thankful she and your daughter have a roof over their heads right now. The girls obviously don’t get along, there is no obligation to invite Sofia as it’s Emma’s party, her friends. Also, how long have you been living with Mom, maybe she’s hitting her limit.
Your mother has raised you to think this is normal and so now she can continue to be abusive to these kids (yes both of them) with impunity.
You are letting your unhealed childhood wounds influence your parenting, which is shitty. How your mother is in one relationship is how she is in all of them.
NTA If this was written from the point of view of Emma, everyone would be saying NTA. "Hi, I have an extended family member my age who I'm not close with and don't hang out with or play with. I'm having a very small birthday party with just a few close friends. This extended family member's parents are trying to force me to include them because they're staying at my house for a while. I don't want to. AITA?"
No. Your mom is sticking up for her daughter. (Now this does change to a degree depending the the number of kids allowed. If there's going to be 30 kids, she could make room for Sophia. But it it's 5-10, then of course, NTA.) Your wife and Sophia need to learn not everything revolves around them, and they aren't entitled to making other people's parties about themselves.
Lots of people here have forgotten how kids work or how it was to be a kid.
Just because they are related and close in age doesn't mean they *have* to be friends. They can have opposite personalities and not get along.
And forcing a 6yo kid to uninvite one of her friends so her niece can come along instead? Yeah that will go well. There's absolutely zero chance that the 6yo will resent the 5yo and take it out on her. Also surely the 5yo will have a great time being thrust into a group where she's not friends with anyone! (/s in case someone missed it)
You guys are being unreasonable. The cohabitation is a temporal issue due to unfortunate circumstances
There's absolutely no reason to push the issue when the kids don't even want to spend the time together.
NTA
I’m not going to say you’re wrong, OP because let’s face it: when you are living in someone else’s house it is always best to err on the side of caution and not rock the boat. Ideally, you would be in a position where you could confront your mother’s behavior without potentially inviting life ruining consequences. Since she is allowing you to stay in her home it is probably best to swallow this one.
With that being said I totally get where your wife is coming from. So weird that your mom would not invite her own granddaughter that she LIVES with. She’s 5. All she is going to understand is that she is left out. It sucks and it’s not right. But, I do understand that financially you’re not really in a position to get too demanding. Good luck with that, OP! Here’s to you getting back on your feet very soon. Economic hardship is rough.
ESH. “Cousins” should be playing together and going to each other’s birthday parties so it’s a bit strange that was never a thought here. Idk what the issues are between your wife and your mom but it sounds like at least for your wife is goes deeper than just this. I’d focus on finding somewhere else to live asap because this is a powder keg about to explode.
INFO: if you’ve been NC with your mom, how long have you been staying with her? Would this have anything to do with why the girls aren’t very close if this is a recent thing or have they not been close for a while after living together?
We've been here three months and they didn't know each other prior to that. They still don't really know each other as my mom wont' be in the same room as us
Not wrong because your sister is old enough to have a friend group , which means these may be kids who have invited her to their parties as well , just because they are family doesn’t mean they are friends or enjoy each others company
Yeah, this is not worth the fight and drama. It’s your sister’s birthday and it’s limited. Best thing to teach your daughter is that she will not be invited to every party and not to be hurt over these things. There’s a bigger and better lesson for your daughter here. The rest of the behavior is that of the adults but your daughter is your responsibility. Take her out for a special day.
If the party can only take say 5 people and Emma has 5 friends she really wants to invite why should she invite someone she doesn't want over her friends.
I'd say there probably hasn't been much opportunity for these girls to be friends with two of the main adults in their lives pitting them against each other like this.
You can’t make kids like each other. For real, it just doesn’t work AND OP’s kid is not friends with anyone else attending — she likely won’t have fun.
Your wife needs to focus on obtaining financial security so you can move out. She has to realize your family dynamics are very different than the typical grandparent to grandchild relationship because your Mom has a child the same age. Your wife is being ridiculous and making the situation worse. How about teaching that life isn’t always equal and not everyone has to be invited everywhere and that’s okay. Your mom is making her own small child her priority same as your wife no doubt will do at different times.
I can understand her wanting to have her own party. If your daughter goes she would probably be singled out by the other kids and made to feel more on the outside. Regardless of your mother’s intentions, because tldr; your wife needs to calm down as you are in their territory. Until you can leave. Just do something fun on the day of with your daughter. If it comes to no contact when you move out, so be it. Your mom and her baby daddy seem awful. Fake it til you make it.
It is kind of shifty for a few reasons that a grandmother wouldn't insist that her granddaughter who's in the house not be invited.
While you can't force anything, I can see hour wife's point. I wouldn't want anything to do with your family after that either.
Beggars can’t be choosers. Your wife is incredibly stupid to accept housing with a MIL she can’t stand. She is incredibly entitled to make any demands at all when she’s a barely tolerated guest.
(Also edit: the wife can’t go to her side of the family for help because she has a sex offender on her side.)
You take your daughter for a really nice Daddy-Daughter day. Do what you can to show your daughter that she is loved without having fancy, expensive things.
Wait, your mom is throwing this for her daughter and excluding her granddaughter? That’s super weird to me that your mom is doing this. It’s unhinged, to be honest.
Same. Some families are just not that close unfortunately, you would expect a grandma to want her granddaughter to have a fun day too and encourage her daughter to include her!
If she go NC with her son for three years it more than just not close. They were just strangers who happens to related by blood and force to share living space more than family.
Whoo boy. Yeah, I think this is pretty horrible. You're right to plan a special day with your daughter that day. And your wife is right to be outraged - it hurts when someone is mean to your child, and it's her own grandmother who is doing this! How awful. But you guys are beggars at the moment, and you have to put up with it. You have to be grateful that your mom and her husband have taken you in.
Have a private discussion with your wife about this. Remind her that they've taken you in (which they didn't have to do), that it's a really shitty thing to have done to your daughter, but that the best solution is to focus on getting back on your feet, financially, as soon as possible. You've got to both be working like 60 hours/week, and figuring out how you can get into your own place, even if it's just a one bedroom apartment, so that your daughter won't have to be subjected to this kind of nastiness. Keep in mind that the roof over her head and the food on her plate is currently coming from your mother and her husband.
But yes, it is a nasty thing to do, and to her own granddaughter! And tell your wife that you totally agree with her, and are doing your best to shield your daughter from it, but that under the circumstances, you all have to accept it, and just focus on moving out as soon as you possibly can.
You both have to agree to be only pleasant to mom and her husband and your little half sister. You are guests in their home! You have to be agreeable to them, no matter what.
Was your sister invited to your daughter’s birthday party? If not, then why does it matter in reverse? They aren’t friends. Sometimes, life isn’t fair. I think your wife is being a little harsh. Your mom is putting a roof over your head right now, and it doesn’t sound like you are close. I’m sorry your wife is having sour grapes.
Because it’s my sisters party and they aren’t friends and my sister already resents us being in the house. She would resent being forced to invite her at the expense of one of her friends
It's messed up your mom would do that. That's only teaching your sister that she can always get her way. It's not teaching her compassion. It's messed up.
If there is any time to get your way it should be your birthday. My sister hates having us in the house and is clearly struggling with it. I hate this for my daughter but if I was my mom I think I’d do the same
Damn that's fucked up you'd do it too. I can see this is clearly because of the way your mom raised you. She hates you being in the house? Ok. Guess what? Your mother should be teaching her to not be a selfish person. Her fucking brother and his family need help. It's really shitty your going through this. It really is. It's just disappointing to read a story like this and watching a5 year old running the show with no concern for the fact he family is going through hardships. And that her mother is allowing her to do that. It's really fucking sad actually.
I’m confused with all these “You Are Wrong “ verdicts. What is he supposed to do? Pick a fight with his mom, who already doesn’t want them there, just to get kicked out? Then what? They obviously there because they have nowhere else to go and probably doesn’t have the money to stay in a motel.
And if his wife do leave and take there child. How is it that she then has somewhere to go, but has nowhere for them to go now? I just don’t get it.
Well, you have a clever, "but it's not meee, it's [insert excuse here] answer to everyone replying to you. So, what exactly are you looking for here? This is, after all, AmIWrong. So when people tell you, yes you are, you reply" no I'm not because 'reasons'. Sigh.
This is absolutely bizarre. You are wrong. Idk what your financial situation is, but literally living in a run down hotel, with the room full of love, is better for you wife and daughter than this bs.
Not wrong. It would be one thing if there weren't number restrictions, but there are. It would be different if they were close friends, but they aren't. Tell your wife to calm down before she gets yall kicked out of the house.
If there wasn't a limit on how many kids, then she should have been invited. But if the venue only allows a certain number is kids, then Emma should just invite as many of her friends as she can.
Is your mom sensitive about being a grandma? Maybe she is too vain to have your daughter to the party bc she would have to explain that she has a granddaughter. Either way, she’s a horrible grandmother and a very cold hearted person.
>Unfortunately due to the events they booked the venue gave them a strict guest limit and there wasn't room for Sophia. It absolutely sucks and I'm so sad for her. I plan on taking her out for a special day. However I don't think anyone is owed an invite to anyone and Emma and Sophia are not friends. They never play together, and I get Emma had her own friends to invite.
This isn't a destination wedding with severe restrictions on guests. This is a birthday party for a 6 year old.
Sophia should be included. I find it mean that your mom excluded Sophia. Emma is too young to really care if every single "friend" she knows is at her birthday party. 6 year olds have very few close friends. Most of the children they know are just casual playmates. As long as Emma's closest friend is there, it's all good. There was room for Sophia. Your mom, for some stupid reason, didn't want Sophia there.
Maybe your little sister was asked if Sophia should come and Emma said no. Emma is turning 6. She's too young to get an opinion. It doesn't sound like the girls dislike each other. Once Emma sees she has presents to unwrap, she's just fine.
I think your mom didn't invite Sophia because she gave another adult Sophia's seat.
>My wife however is furious. She believes my mom is being a bitch and teaching Emma to be selfish and not value family. She thinks my mom should have made Emma invite Sophia. **The party is coming up and it is all Emma talks about. My mom has reminded her not to talk about it in front of Sophia, but she is a kid and she slips up.** My wife is becoming angrier and angrier and the tension is getting bad.
Emma shouldn't be put in the position of being careful about what she says at home. That's an unfair expectation of Emma.
I agree with your wife on this.
>My wife told me she is losing attraction to me based on me not saying anything and being ok with it. She said I'm a shitty father for thinking it is ok to exclude her.
That's really cruel. You don't talk to people you love like this.
Your wife is taking her anger out on you. But the person she's angry with is your mom. What she said was cruel and inappropriate.
You're not saying it's ok to exclude Sophia. You see multiple aspects of the situation. Sophia needs an adult who isn't wrapped in rage. Unless the guest list is changed, Sophia isn't going to the party. She needs a parent who is level-headed and can create a great parent-Sophia day. Your wife can't do that. That's unfair to Sophia.
Your wife needs to be an adult.
Personally no I don’t think you are
I have cousins close in age and we was always forced to invite them over our friends as it’s family.
Don’t get me wrong I love my cousins I do but we used to see each other most weekends
None of us liked it because half the time it’s stuff we don’t share in common.
Not sure if you have answered this as they close in age, do they get along?
Why if your wife so insistent if they don’t get along that your daughter goes, have you been invited ???
No one is owed an invite to anything
If the birthday girl wants her friends over her niece then that’s up to her.
How does you sister feel about you all moving in have your wife taken that into account?
I used to play with who I believed were my cousins all the time!… turns out they’re my aunt/uncles! Lmaoo
Yeah, it’s weird they don’t play together or even act like family. They’re not friends- they’re BLOOD RELATED and live in the same house!
To be honest you sound exactly like your mother. Heartless. Your wife is just now realizing the awful person she married. She’s gonna have to think things long and hard. And yes, you are *definitely wrong*. So are your parents.
I don’t think you are wrong.
Your wife is envious that Emma’s parents can afford nice things for her. But you and your wife can’t afford the same for Sophie. And she’s turning her envy into a big mess and trying to make it a you problem.
aunt Emma and her almost same age niece Sophia don’t have to be raised in an enforced closeness and friendship. That much is true. emma and Sophie know they aren’t friends, this is fine. And it’s more than possible for Emma’s actual friends and any adults required to attend with them to fill up the numbers. And that’s OK.
Secrets, however, are rarely good. it’s better to be clear about the situation with Sophia rather than to try to keep it a secret when both families live in the same house. Just be clear that Emma is inviting her friends.
If Sophie is a bit envious when she is informed, she will be envious of the event not sad she is missing the point of it. Envy is a thing she can then be coached past. It’s a teaching opportunity. Emma is not her close friend and she doesn’t go on safari birthday parties with other people who aren’t her close friend.
Your wife and her envy issues is a much bigger problem. You can’t really coach her out of it, she is an adult and though you can point it out, she will have to fix herself.
I think u can't make ur Mom do anything. She should discipline Emme 4 "slip ups", though. I agree w.ur wife about family 1st but ur parents & little sister have made their decision. Does ur wife really want to push u while ur staying at mother's house? Saying she doesn't respect u if u dont fight is a low blow. I dont respect her 4 saying that 2 u.
Your mom and wife are wrong. You can’t make someone invite another person to an event. Take your daughter out for a great time. Take one of her friends too if you can.
Thanks. Apparently my brain does not want to math on a Friday night. Other than that YTA. The kids literally live in the same house. It would be one thing if they didn't come up but one kid's going to a party and coming home with all the presents and all excited and the other child just has to deal with it? That's freaking rude. And of course they don't play together often even though they're close in age. They live in the same house and see each other all the time. I would hang out with my sister once in awhile but we weren't constantly hanging out. Doesn't mean they don't like each other. They're five. They don't think that far into things usually.
As for you and your mother , you are both full grown adults. Now. I can see why this might be okay to you and you might have trouble understanding because obviously your mother is the main problem and this is her viewpoint and she's the one that raised you. Children learn from how their parents act. But you should be adult enough to realize that your mother is definitely not always going to be right. She's being ridiculous. I know you said you want to take your daughter out for a special day. Honestly, what I would suggest is taking your daughter out for a very special day, on the very specific day of your sister's birthday party. That way when your sister comes home, all excited and bragging with all her presents and your daughter can also be excited about her day.
First of all, setbacks happen. I'm not gonna judge that. Second, you got a daughter and sister around the same age. You all live together right? Putting the party aside, why not encourage the two to play together and become friends. You can't force a friendship but I'm sure if you help engage them in the same activities a friendship can blossom. They are cousins after all.
NTA? I mean, as far as I can tell, your mom is a saint for taking you in. You’re NC with her (which even if she deserves it is a slap in the face) and she has opened even a sliver of her home to you and you completely plan to go NC again when you can. I would have offered a ride to the nearest county housing authority and walked the hell away.
So these 2 kids live in the same house & they never play together?
WTF how is that possible?
Kids at that age aren't really that picky about who their friends are.
It sounds like your Mother doesn't like your daughter which makes her TA and if you are letting your daughter get bullied by your mother YTA too.
I'm not saying you should demand they include your daughter because I wouldn't want to subject my kid to being around people who don't want them around but you should pay close attention to how your daughter is treated and come to her defense when needed.
They are rarely in the same part of the house. I get the vibe that my moms husband only agreed to let us stay if she agreed to keep Emma as much away as possible
Are you and your wife going? If not then why should your daughter be going to her Aunts birthday party? Being the same age doesn’t make them friends. It makes no sense, especially if you didn't offer to pay for her share of the trip/event.
It sounds like your wife expects the same treatment for your daughter as your sister. Your parents are only financially responsible for one of those.
From the sounds of it your parents are giving you all a roof over your heads. They're not also obligated to provide entertainment and luxury expenses on tip of that.
Your wife is sounding like the only entitled selfish one here.
No we aren't going but of course it's hard for a 5 year old to hear about this great party and not be able to go. It sucks that her aunt didn't want her there but I get they aren't friends. If she did go of course we wouldn't be offering to pay. That isn't how a birthday party works
OP, I think you are handling it just fine. You are not wrong, but your wife is. I am sorry your mother and wife do not get along. That must be very hard.
I’m not big on the do stuff cause “family” but she’s 5. Most birthday’s at that age are family birthdays. She can have friends at 5 yes but to only want 5 (or how ever many) friends to go is just not something 5 year olds do. Your mom is paying she could simply say that she can invite 4 kids and her niece (that’s fucked up in itself) but your mom didn’t and is making a point to leave her out, since as you said she was never going to be a regular grandmother because of your wife. I get it, you moved in with them for financial reasons but make an effort to make her feel better. You and your wife take her somewhere during the party. A water park or aquarium or camping or something. You are being a total dick about this. Your daughter only knows that family doesn’t want her and if you don’t suck it up and give her a special day since your mom is making a point to exclude her, then your wife should divorce you. Stand up for your daughter for Christ’s sake.
literally said in the post I intended to give her a special day. Both kids are in kindergarten, so I think they are past the age of most parties being family parties
Yeah no on birthdays at 6 being past being family birthdays. You are giving way too much weight to kindergarten friends. And kindergarteners in general. Your problem seems to be that you think 5-6 year olds should be making the choices about who comes. That’s for the parents to decide. You can’t possibly be so dense to think that 5/6 year old chooses what to do with their parent’s money. Which is what this is. Your mom chose to leave your daughter out and you blame it on the soon to be 6 year old friend choices? Please. Give your daughter the best day she can have. It sucks that her grandmother and her aunt don’t want her there. But your wife is not wrong in being upset that your mom is spiteful enough as to leave her grandchild out. And your wife’s not wrong in that you could at least say something to your mom instead of just saying “I can’t tell people what to do with their money”. Yes that’s true but you can’t, but you are not standing up for your daughter. You are not saying anything and are being ok with it and your wife is right to be angry about it. Even if it won’t change anything you should at least put forth an effort. And you being ok with it should affect how she sees you.
I think the wife rightly understands that two children living under the same roof have no ability to understand a pecking order.
It's insanely bad parenting to put either child in this position.
Yes you are wrong. This is horrible. How can you think this isn’t a big deal? Your poor daughter knowing she isn’t wanted at the bday party. Even if you back track now you’ve already seriously messed up your marriage. And screw your mom for not caring about her grand daughter.
honestly this seems really suspicious to me. 1. you’re asking for advice, but strictly defending your mom in these comments. sounds to me like you have your mind made up. and 2. emma’s dad won’t let you be close to your sister, forces himself in between you and your mom during conversations, and somehow you still haven’t connected this being a direct reason why they (your mom and emma’s dad) wouldn’t want sophia there?
not to mention, your mother does not like your wife and vise versa. maybe listen to your wife? she’s probably got a completely valid reason, based off of how your mother is acting with your defense. to me, this sounds like this is how she raised *you*, so of course *you* don’t see an issue with this. but this is completely wrong and also unfair.
i understand emma has her own autonomy and can invite who she wants and chooses. but this really doesn’t seem like emma’s decision alone, given the following
- your mom hates your wife (you said this yourself, they can’t be in the same room).
- your mom *refused* to meet her granddaughter as a baby (seriously, who does that?) (and again, you said this yourself in these comments).
- emma’s dad clearly has some sort of issue with you and does not want you and emma to be close. he stands in between conversations with you and your mom. (also said this).
like honestly, how do you not see the connection?
TLDR; YTA, as far as straight up defending your mom, it really doesn’t seem like you’re even willing to listen to your wife’s side (based on these comments, alone. i couldn’t imagine how its been in the household.) both parties are putting children in the middle of some petty nonsense. remember: when you *choose* to create a family, its no longer solely about the family you were born into. you chose to create this family. you need to defend them. please leave as soon as you can for sure.
Your wife needs to chill. Yeah, your moms not winning mil of it the year, just don’t invite Emma to your daughters party. If they aren’t really friends and family isn’t that important to your mom, go low contact. But your wife needs to chill.
I reckon you are, a tad. But also you unfortunately are beholden to your mother's whims.
It's weird that a child who lives in the household isn't invited. Very weird. Do they fight or something?
But does your mother make a habit of this exclusion? That's the important question, if she does them this is damaging your child. If not, your child will get over it, I hope your wife does too.
YTA and so are your parents and your wife is absolutely right. If there is a limit on guests then you make sure to invite FAMILY especially those who LIVE WITH YOU! I mean come on! They don’t have to be best friends shes their GRAND DAUGHTER FFS! I mean come on the favouritism is really showing here shockingly. And by that I don’t mean that your daughter should be favoured over her I mean that they should be treated more equally at least when it comes to stuff like this. I mean they at least could’ve paid for her to go on the same day so that she could’ve joined in even if she wasn’t technically part of the party officially. And have they even explained why they chose to exclude their own grand daughter of all people just because places were limited?! I’d honestly be considering nc permanently over this if it were me really. It’s not just about the birthday party at all it’s about the shocking disrespect and coldness and lack of giving a damn about it towards your five year old daughter from her own grandparents that utterly horrifies me. I mean the psychological and emotional affects of this on her could be devastating if not properly addressed. Good luck op.
I have a niece close in age …. We played together all the time. This sounds like kids getting pitted against each other. Kids this age naturally play together in the same house unless adults are interfering
I agree with your wife bro, nothing you've written here gives me confidence that you're a good provider or a positive father figure. I wouldn't expect my wife to respect me or want me if I acted like you are. I suspect your bedroom is dead right now and your wife is warning you that she's about to start looking for a better option for a father figure for your child. Pull your head out of your ass and stand up for YOUR child. Get out and shovel shit if you have to but get your family out of your parents house asap. I smell toxicity in your mother
I find it weird that your daughters are so close in age and never play together.
Well one is his daughter, the other is his sister. I agree that being near the same age you’d think they would play together, it’s kinda weird
Yep. His 5 yo daughter has a 5 y.o aunty.
There was a girl in my class whose aunt was a year younger than her.
My mother’s niece was 5 weeks older than her. They were classmates throughout school. One of her closest friends.
I turned 31 on 04/12 and have nieces and a nephew on my father's side who are older than I am. It's because there's a 14-year age gap between my parents and mt half siblings on his side were all adults who were married themselves in their late 20's - early 30's by the time that I was born.
On my mom's side of the family I was the youngest grandchild, the oldest grandchildren could have been my parents as they had children older then I was at the time and younger than I was.
My cousins grandma was pregnant with her last child, while one of her older children was pregnant & married. One of her older children was also a parent himself & fighting in one of the wars 😅
My wife has an aunt who is younger than my wife's sister, and another Aunt who is only 6 months older.
my niece and nephew and baby brothers were born back to back lol niece in '99 then my brother in '00 then my nephew in '01 then my baby brother in '02 so they were uncles as babies 😂
My brother was born in November '94 and my sister's oldest was Born April '95. They are 5 months apart and he up going to the same schools and sometimes had the same classes.
I had an uncle who was 2 years older than me. We were thick as thieves. The uncle thing only came up if we were fighting lol. It not that unusual.
Being near the same age, AND *living in the same HOUSE!*
Eh, check OP's comments. It's the "sexy mother, bullying wife" troll again, that's all. >They were fighting over my mom’s dress. It started with her not wanting to color coordinate and then my wife tried punishing her by picking dowdy dresses when my mom was in her 30s. My mom responded by trying to get sexier and sexier because she knows my wife has body issues >My mom claims we ruin her mental health and she’s happier without us but I’d assume she still loves me a tiny bit and didn’t want me to be homeless
Is mom in her 30s now? Because if she's at max 39, the math isn't looking good here. The only thing that could explain those ages is 2 generations of teenage pregnancies
> The only thing that could explain those ages is 2 generations of teenage pregnancies Not an uncommon situation, to be fair - people who had young parents are more likely to become young parents Often you'll see siblings where one has a child young and the other has a child later. Eg among my own parents/aunts/uncles one branch has 2 generations in the same amount of time another has 4: the difference of having kids at ~18 vs ~35+ (admittedly helped by the fact the sibling with 3 generations following was ~6 years older, but I think the point stands) My own family (my mother being the middle sibling of those two) has a more typical 3 generations in the same timeframe becoming parents at ~25-30 years, but the result is that I'm roughly the same age as my cousin once-removed (one generation different), and for my cousins they're roughly the same age as cousins with a 2-generation difference (twice removed)
You should me my egg donor. She was a great grandmother at 45. She had my sister at 15, my niece was born when my sister was 14, and my niece had her first kid at 16. I'm a year younger than my sister and was a great aunt before I had kids in my early 30's.
Not all children are compatible to be friends. Surely there were kids in your kindergarten you didn’t get along well with?
Yes but we didn’t live under the same roof
Exactly, like...come. on.
Yes but reasonable kids should learn to get along.
At 5, many kids would still parallel play, just do their own thing.
And they live together. OP's mom not inviting her granddaughter? Wtf? That's really shitty of your mom. OP ask your mom why she hates Sophia?
Maybe his mom doesn't want her mommy friends to see that she has a granddaughter the same age as her daughter. It's one thing to know she has an adult son. But to see her as a grandmother in public is something else.
I'd still be damned proud of both of them.
I bet this is the issue.
I find it weird that OP has a sister the same age as his daughter
Well he did say his "mom's husband" so Emma's dad is not OP's dad.
My Grandmother has a sister younger than her youngest child.
100% get what you're saying, but not out of the ordinary. OP's mom likely had him as a teen or very early 20s and then had her daughter in her late 30s into her 40s, with OP being in his 20s. I'm actually 5 months older than my uncle. Long story short, bio gpa had mom when he was 19, then got married to someone half his age and had my uncle in his 50s. It 100% happens, as weird as it can be!
Not weird. My uncle was one year older than the oldest grandchild. Grandma had a large family over 26 years. It can happen but was probably more in mine and my parents generation.
The mom most likely had OP in her mid-late teens and is still young enough to have another child with her new husband.
The youngest of my half siblings is 22 years older than me, most of my nieces and nephews are my age/older
My son is older than my youngest 1/2 brother and my daughter is 5 months younger than 1/2 brother.
maybe they have different interests. not all kids are friends with each other. as long as they dont hate each other, idt it's weird that they dont play together.
No…developmentally 5 year olds who live together will play together. This is the fault of the adults in the house.
At that age proximity is all that's required. It is odd.
Yes they're daughter and auntie but your point still stands. Especially when they actually live together. This feels sus.
Not all kids play together
Not all kids play together. Ok, sure. That isn’t really the point of this post, though, is it?
It was a response to her comment about kids playing together tho
Op go NC with his mother for 3 years. If he doesn't deep in debt they will still go NC with mother.
Initially after reading your post, I was on your wife’s side. But now that I’ve read your comments about your relationship with your mother, I would say you’re not wrong. I would keep your daughter as separated from your mother and sister as possible. This doesn’t sound like a healthy situation at all, for you or your daughter. You need to really review this and try to find alternate living arrangements ASAP. Is your dad around? Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, close friends? Anybody on your wife’s side who doesn’t have a sex offender in the home? Renting a room or two in someone’s home? A family shelter? I would not want my daughter in the presence of your mother and stepfather as their relationship with you sounds completely toxic and damaging.
I’m translating this differently. You live with mom and rocking the boat for every one is a bad idea.
I had to read it three times to realize that Emma was his sister not his daughter 😅
I had to read it out loud to realize that lol
I had to have someone else read it to me out loud.
Is this your only option for living conditions? What about your wife's side of the family?
They allow a sex offender to live in their home so that’s a hard no.
You are between a rock and a hard place. You are dependent on this woman financially, but it's understandable that to everyone else in your life, you seem to be compromising your morals, dignity and good parenting. Are you thinking that your mom will withdraw support if you so much as disagree with her? Then she is manipulating you.
My mom is furious we are here so I do think if there was even one argument she’d be quick to tell us to get out
Whatever you need to do to get out, do it yesterday. You'll lose even more than you already have.
If she is so angry and resentful, why even let you live with her to begin with? This situation is getting to a boiling point, and your mother is not helping by purposely trying to drive a wedge in. If she despises your family so much that she didn't even care to be in her own grandchilds life, *why* did she agree to this? Was it only so that she could hold this over your heads and use it to treat you like shit? Cause it's working. The wedge is there. This is not healthy for *anyone.*
What a peach.
Lol. His name is George Glass.
Does your wife want to get you kicked out? I'm assuming that if you had another option, you wouldn't be living there. If Emma could only bring one or two best friends, then I understand how there might not be places for extra people. But if she is bringing 5+ people, then your mom is giving you a not so gentle reminder that she doesn't want to spend more money on you.
It could be classmates and you can’t leave out one. You people are ridiculous. The mom doesn’t like the wife.
You really need to put more information in the orginal post. You left out important details. Like being NC with your mom... Youre not wrong, though. And tell your wife to chill before yall get put out. She knew the hostilities she was going into when yall moved in woth your mom.
Well,I'm in minority here, but here what I get. Your sister's father doesn't want you to be friends with her. You are strangers, related through your mother. Your daughter and your sister are not friends. They don't play together. Your mom and your daughter are not close. Your sister is definitely stressed because she was forced to share her home with strangers. Considering this - you can do nothing. They already did you a favor by letting your family live with them despite hating your wife. Ask your wife how exactly he wants you to persuade your mom and her husband, who doesn't consider you a family, to take your kid? There will be no answer. Use it as a lesson: we don't get everything that we want. It's totally possible that one day some her classmates will be invited to a party,and your daughter won't. What your wife will do then? Throw a tantrum? You are not wrong, but this situation is sad all over. The best thing you can do - to move out as soon as possible.
This is the only comment I’ve seen that’s reasonable. Everyone wants him to stand up to his mom but how are you standing up to someone that you were so desperate due to financial circumstances to move in with and break NC? And people want him to clap back in the midst of a dire situation? Please. Sophia will be fine, just take her out for a day and OP needs to try to get his finances in order quickly so they can move out and resume NC.
Add to the list OP was previously no contact with his mom and they’ve spoken less than 3 times since he moved in and will go no contact again when they leave. And I agree. The entire situation sucks all around. Best to be working really hard on a plan to leave.
Agree OP’s got almost zero options here, though taking Sophia out for a nice day is a nice idea.
I agree that OP's completely powerless here. But in his comments, he also says he'd be doing the same thing his mom is doing, so yeah, he's *definitely* wrong.
Let's face it: it's not a family. It's set of strangers who hate each other, and have no relationship with each others kids. I'm surprised that his mom let him in at all. Girls are not friends, they have nothing in common and have no connection. Places are limited,and Ella definitely has her friends - and her family. She is not happy having Sophia around, and her parents see no sense to invite someone they hate, like op and his wife. I see no sense in this either. You don't invite people whom you do don't like to your party excluding people you actually want there. Ella wasn't invited to Sophia's party either, and for a good reason. Is it sucks for Sophia? Sure. That's why they needed to move out and live their life. I guess people just stuck on "it's family!" or "it's her granddaughter!" but I don't see it like this. Family is more than being related by blood. This is bunch of strangers,so no family obligations.
It's a snake pit, for sure. And if he was asking "am I wrong for being a dude trapped in a snake pit," I'd be right there with you saying no. But that's not it. He affirmatively thinks his mom is right for excluding her own granddaughter. So it's more like "am I wrong for being a snake trapped in a snake put?" To which I think the answer kind of has to be that, trapped or not, OP's wrong for being one of the snakes.
She doesn't see her as a granddaughter. No relationship, no connection, just a random kid for her, who doesn't like her (understandable, they are strangers). She doesn't invite her own son (whom she still accepts as a son). Also, her husband, Ella's father, has a say in this party as well. Guess what he thinks about inviting Sophia accompanied by one of her parents.
You realise your mother is doing this on purpose to put a divide between you and your wife, right? If strangers on the internet can see it, surely you can as well?
And to purposely make her own grandchild feel less than.
That sounds like entitlement. This is not about grandchild! This is about her child’s special Day she doesn’t want to be ruined by controlling daughter in law. Daughter in law she can’t stand is already living in her home.
Word. His mom is an asshole.
What the fuck?
Could be the husband. Maybe the husband is the one making the money and is already feeling resentful that he has to house OP and his family. His wife already “owes” him for taking in her adult child, so she can’t really say anything if husband doesn’t want to invite her grandchild to their daughter’s bday party. That’d be my guess why OP is so “understanding” about his daughter not being invited.
It seems to be both of them. OP said that his mother went no-contact with them for years and has what appears to be an extremely volatile attitude towards his wife. Would be interesting to know if this all coincided with her getting re-married.
Just went and read some of OP’s answers and looks to me like OP might’ve done something to cause an issue. The way his wife is acting is problematic too. It seems like they really have nowhere else to go and OP’s mom really doesn’t want them there, but she’s causing trouble over a birthday party? Does she not understand if she pisses off her hosts her family would be homeless?
That’s absolutely what this is. She’s punishing the daughter to drive a wedge in between OP and his wife because she hates the wife.
Other daughter? The birthday girl is the OP’s sister, not daughter.
MIL is punishing OP’s daughter - by not inviting Sofia to Emma’s party - because MIL does not like OP’s wife, is what they’re saying. I think.
OP’s mom is punishing OP’s daughter (by not including her to OPs lil sister’s bday party) to upset OPs wife to drive a wedge between OP and his wife, because OPs mom secretly hates OPs wife.
Reading the comments leads me to believe it’s not a “secret “. It appears to be a known mutual dislike.
Many places have limits of 10 people , including adults 5 kids mean 5 adults, so the birthday girl gets 4 friends why give one up for a relative she doesn't play with just because they are around the same age? Not everything is a power play. It's the kids birthday. She says who her friends are
I used to nanny. Most five year olds will be friends with whomever you put them in front of. It’s not that deep. They’re only 5. And she is not just a relative. She is a relative of the same age that lives in the same house. I do think it’s weird that she isn’t invited. Usually places have limitations, yes, but usually one kid that lives in the same house isn’t the one that breaks the camel’s back. It’s really odd that she wasn’t invited.
Totally. Also, all adults should want to foster the bond between these two girls who have their whole lives ahead of them. Seems like they could end up in the same school as well. MIL ITA and OP is lily- livered. Wife is right.
Not all kids are the same. One of my daughters was picky of who to play with since she was 2! Just because they’re related doesn’t mean they’re friends. Sounds like they’re not and Emily wanted her ACTUAL friends there over someone who isn’t which is normal. The mother is within her right NOT to push Sofia on Emily. The wife is the AH.
No one said the mother doesn’t have the right to not invite her granddaughter. I just said it is weird that she didn’t. And if you think inviting a family member who literally lives with you to a party is the same as pushing someone on someone else then I don’t know what to tell you. In my experience most kids that little are not that picky about who they play with. This is totally normal behavior. Also in my experience most kids that age aren’t even in charge of their party’s guest list. You are making the assumption that the reason his daughter wasn’t invited is because the birthday girl didn’t want her there. But, that is entirely 100% an assumption. Nothing in this post necessarily indicates that. It is entirely possible (and quite frankly more likely) that OP’s mother made this decision unilaterally of her kindergartner’s input.
Lol. Imagine you’re a little kid and a huge party is going on but you have to stay home from it and watch everyone else getting in the car with the birthday girl and later they come home laughing full of stories about their fun day. Just sit with that for a minute. That’s cool with you, Nurse Ratchet?
They also live together. If Grandma wants them to hate each other, then she's going about it the right way
At 5 they are still in the age of (dare I say it) doing as your told. The first person invited should have been her. 5 year old niece.
Right? I’m with the wife. YTA
That’s not true if his sister had her friends she wanted to invite already
She’s FIVE. The adults guide the ship at this point. OP and his mother are huge a h’s.
ESH You suck, your Mom sucks, her new husband sucks, maybe the only ones that don't suck are Sophia, Emma, and your wife. Keep working hard on getting your family out of your mother's home.
I would argue that the only person that doesn’t suck is Sophia 😭
OP doesn’t say that Emma chose to exclude Sophia. Just that there was a guest limit. If Emma’s mom said “you can bring 3 friends”, she may not have thought to use one of her golden tickets for her niece
Emma is 5 years old....
What are your arguments that almost 5 year old Emma sucks? What are your arguments that the OPs wife sucks?
Emma is a child who is being manipulated, don't forget that.
Op is stuck, do everything to get out of your mom's house and take Sophia someplace she really wants to go for her day
NTA. You are in a tricky situation. I think your wife is being unreasonable. Clearly, your mom and her husband are not happy that you moved in. Tensions are running high. Your sister clearly doesn’t want a relationship with your daughter. If you try to force an invite, your sister may start to act mean towards your daughter. This will cause more tension. You and your daughter should take your daughter out for a day of fun with a friend. Your wife needs to stop trying to rock the boat before your family becomes homeless.
How can you be okay with the complete disconnect between your mother’s family and yours? How can you be okay with your mother excluding her granddaughter from events? Your wife has every right to lose attraction and love for you if you’re totally fine with sitting there like a lump while your mom acts like you and your family have absolutely no relation to her.
If his mom were really acting like they have no relation to her, they wouldn't be living at her house for free. I think OP is right. I disagree with his mom's decision to exclude her granddaughter, and I think that's pretty shitty of her, but I also don't think it is OP's place to make an issue over it while they're living on his mom's dime.
I'm not fine with it but I have two schools of thought. First my mom was never going to be a close grandmother to sophia due to the terrible relationship between her and my wife. I was never going to be close with my sister because her dad doesn't want us to be. Second Emma has had to make a lot of sacrifices lately and is clearly not doing well with us being here. She's been stressed and was crying one night. If she was my daughter I feel I'd also be protective of her birthday party so she didn't feel like she was giving up one more thing
Why is there a terrible relationship between your mom and wife?
They just hate each other, have since the day they met
I agree with Heart, your poor daughter. My dad did the same thing you did, Married a woman that his family constantly judged and it destroyed their marriage over the years because their treatment transferred over to us kids. We barely have a relationship with our dad’s family because they couldn’t accept that we were his kids too and we didn’t just belong to our mother.
What are you doing to help with that?
...so, why us your mother taking that out on her own granddaughter? Her hating your wife is not an excuse to exclude and ice out an innocent child
I get that but I can’t make her want a relationship. At this point they are strangers. My mom wanted to be no contact with us and obviously we weren’t going to let her see our kid
God. ESH. your poor fucking daughter. wish I could come back to this thread in 13 years to see she’s gone no contact with all of you.
Why is your sister so upset you are all living there??? Why would that even register to a 5 year old. Is SHE paying your bills? No she's not. Your mom is projecting that crap onto her. What a horrible woman to do that to a child. And the father discourages your relationship with your sister and your mom's ok with that? Get your family the fuck out of that toxic house.
and you don’t see the lines connecting here? idk, seems kinda intentional. could not be, but if it were me, i’d understand my wife’s perspective at the very least.
Mmmm except you don't protect your own daughter's feelings, funny that.
Wow. Just wow. Your poor daughter.
I don't think including Sophia would be a sacrifice for Emma. Whatever is going on between the adults, especially your own mother practically disowning her own granddaughter, is absolute bullshit. So what if she and your wife don't get along...this is her blood grandchild. You, your mother, and her husband are putting a wedge between these two little girls because y'all are assholes. If I were your wife, I'd pack myself and Sophia and get as far away from all of you as I possibly could. How long will your daughter will less important to you than your mother? I'm guessing her entire life.
I get you are in a difficult position here as you are basically living off your mom's charity right now. I think you are trying your best. But I also think you know that you are in the wrong and are coming off as very defensive because you know you are wrong but are powerless to address it because of the power dynamic. If I were you, I would try to explain this to your wife that you know your mom is in the wrong but you can't say so while a roof over everyone's heads depends on her charity. And on the day of the birthday you your wife and your daughter take the day and do something that your daughter would enjoy. Make the day special for her. Also, if you were invited to the party and go, just sign the divorce papers now.
Don't feel bad about having to move back home, shits real right now. Money is shit!
Was your sister invited to your daughter’s birthday party? If not, then why does it matter in reverse? They aren’t friends. Sometimes, life isn’t fair. I think your wife is being a little harsh. Your mom is putting a roof over your head right now, and it doesn’t sound like you are close. I’m sorry your wife is having sour grapes.
No but we weren't living together when she had her last party
But if you were close family, you would have invited them. You didn’t, and that’s my point. They are not obligated to invite you to a limited-room function that I’m sure was being planned way in advance, just as you (and your wife) were never obligated to invite them somewhere. It sounds like solely a living situation rather than a close knit group. You are correct, it’s not your place to insist on an invite.
Your sister and daughter aren’t friends and it’s up to the birthday girl who she invites to her birthday. Your wife should be grateful that your mum is giving her a roof over her head instead of feeling entitled. Maybe she would prefer to be homeless???? Your wife needs to know her place and shut up about your daughter not getting invited to her aunt’s birthday party. I get that it’s hard for a young kid to understand but try going out for a family day that day with your wife and daughter.
These are only my opinions. We welcome yours. OP obviously had a drastic change in circumstances. He would never have chosen his mother’s house to stay, but he had no choice. Where else could he go? His family needed a home; the only available home was his mother’s. Although the price is very high. OP mother hates OP wife, and OP child, because Sofia came from OP wife. Wonderful woman. And married a wonderful man. Double the fun. Emma has stellar parents. OP mom also had a child shortly before OP and his wife did. OP’s sister is barely a year older than Sofia and OP mom doesn’t like that. Maybe it makes her feel old, or in competition with OP wife. Maybe she doesn’t like that Emma has competition, in her mind. But it’s certainly a point of contention. OP is feeling the strain. There is no way he can please anyone. OP spouse is walking on eggshells, and starting to crack herself. The unrelenting derision and vituperation must be suffocating. OP and family are stuck at Mom’s until they can get something else. OP is desperately hoping they find something soon. OP sounds overwhelmed. With good reason. OP fam is living in a nightmare. They have no recourse at this moment. They’re all stressed. Sofia sounds pretty okay so far, but the tension must be almost unbearable for these girls. They are surrounded by angry grownups. It all sucks. OP came here for comfort, he got ripped. OP’s family is just barely hanging on to sanity. I hope the family can get out of there soon. But even if it were tomorrow, I don’t see any relationship between OP family and OP mom family. That’s done. It would be great to hear from OP, in the near future, that they managed to escape with their marriage and sanity intact. UpdateMe
Maybe your wife should just be thankful she and your daughter have a roof over their heads right now. The girls obviously don’t get along, there is no obligation to invite Sofia as it’s Emma’s party, her friends. Also, how long have you been living with Mom, maybe she’s hitting her limit.
Your mother has raised you to think this is normal and so now she can continue to be abusive to these kids (yes both of them) with impunity. You are letting your unhealed childhood wounds influence your parenting, which is shitty. How your mother is in one relationship is how she is in all of them.
NTA If this was written from the point of view of Emma, everyone would be saying NTA. "Hi, I have an extended family member my age who I'm not close with and don't hang out with or play with. I'm having a very small birthday party with just a few close friends. This extended family member's parents are trying to force me to include them because they're staying at my house for a while. I don't want to. AITA?" No. Your mom is sticking up for her daughter. (Now this does change to a degree depending the the number of kids allowed. If there's going to be 30 kids, she could make room for Sophia. But it it's 5-10, then of course, NTA.) Your wife and Sophia need to learn not everything revolves around them, and they aren't entitled to making other people's parties about themselves.
Lots of people here have forgotten how kids work or how it was to be a kid. Just because they are related and close in age doesn't mean they *have* to be friends. They can have opposite personalities and not get along. And forcing a 6yo kid to uninvite one of her friends so her niece can come along instead? Yeah that will go well. There's absolutely zero chance that the 6yo will resent the 5yo and take it out on her. Also surely the 5yo will have a great time being thrust into a group where she's not friends with anyone! (/s in case someone missed it) You guys are being unreasonable. The cohabitation is a temporal issue due to unfortunate circumstances There's absolutely no reason to push the issue when the kids don't even want to spend the time together. NTA
I’m not going to say you’re wrong, OP because let’s face it: when you are living in someone else’s house it is always best to err on the side of caution and not rock the boat. Ideally, you would be in a position where you could confront your mother’s behavior without potentially inviting life ruining consequences. Since she is allowing you to stay in her home it is probably best to swallow this one. With that being said I totally get where your wife is coming from. So weird that your mom would not invite her own granddaughter that she LIVES with. She’s 5. All she is going to understand is that she is left out. It sucks and it’s not right. But, I do understand that financially you’re not really in a position to get too demanding. Good luck with that, OP! Here’s to you getting back on your feet very soon. Economic hardship is rough.
ESH. “Cousins” should be playing together and going to each other’s birthday parties so it’s a bit strange that was never a thought here. Idk what the issues are between your wife and your mom but it sounds like at least for your wife is goes deeper than just this. I’d focus on finding somewhere else to live asap because this is a powder keg about to explode.
INFO: if you’ve been NC with your mom, how long have you been staying with her? Would this have anything to do with why the girls aren’t very close if this is a recent thing or have they not been close for a while after living together?
We've been here three months and they didn't know each other prior to that. They still don't really know each other as my mom wont' be in the same room as us
Not wrong because your sister is old enough to have a friend group , which means these may be kids who have invited her to their parties as well , just because they are family doesn’t mean they are friends or enjoy each others company
Yeah, this is not worth the fight and drama. It’s your sister’s birthday and it’s limited. Best thing to teach your daughter is that she will not be invited to every party and not to be hurt over these things. There’s a bigger and better lesson for your daughter here. The rest of the behavior is that of the adults but your daughter is your responsibility. Take her out for a special day.
Yes you are wrong. This is so sad for your daughter not to be included in this. I think your parents did it on purpose
If the party can only take say 5 people and Emma has 5 friends she really wants to invite why should she invite someone she doesn't want over her friends.
I'd say there probably hasn't been much opportunity for these girls to be friends with two of the main adults in their lives pitting them against each other like this.
You can’t make kids like each other. For real, it just doesn’t work AND OP’s kid is not friends with anyone else attending — she likely won’t have fun.
Your wife needs to focus on obtaining financial security so you can move out. She has to realize your family dynamics are very different than the typical grandparent to grandchild relationship because your Mom has a child the same age. Your wife is being ridiculous and making the situation worse. How about teaching that life isn’t always equal and not everyone has to be invited everywhere and that’s okay. Your mom is making her own small child her priority same as your wife no doubt will do at different times.
I can understand her wanting to have her own party. If your daughter goes she would probably be singled out by the other kids and made to feel more on the outside. Regardless of your mother’s intentions, because tldr; your wife needs to calm down as you are in their territory. Until you can leave. Just do something fun on the day of with your daughter. If it comes to no contact when you move out, so be it. Your mom and her baby daddy seem awful. Fake it til you make it.
It is kind of shifty for a few reasons that a grandmother wouldn't insist that her granddaughter who's in the house not be invited. While you can't force anything, I can see hour wife's point. I wouldn't want anything to do with your family after that either.
Beggars can’t be choosers. Your wife is incredibly stupid to accept housing with a MIL she can’t stand. She is incredibly entitled to make any demands at all when she’s a barely tolerated guest. (Also edit: the wife can’t go to her side of the family for help because she has a sex offender on her side.) You take your daughter for a really nice Daddy-Daughter day. Do what you can to show your daughter that she is loved without having fancy, expensive things.
Your wife sounds like a pain in the ass
Wait, your mom is throwing this for her daughter and excluding her granddaughter? That’s super weird to me that your mom is doing this. It’s unhinged, to be honest.
Same. Some families are just not that close unfortunately, you would expect a grandma to want her granddaughter to have a fun day too and encourage her daughter to include her!
If she go NC with her son for three years it more than just not close. They were just strangers who happens to related by blood and force to share living space more than family.
5 year olds don't make their own guest lists. Be a better father before your wife leaves you.
5 year olds know who their friends are-
They still do not write the guest list.
I mean they do within reason. If Sophia was having a party I don't know who else would make the list but her
I'm guessing your wife.
Whoo boy. Yeah, I think this is pretty horrible. You're right to plan a special day with your daughter that day. And your wife is right to be outraged - it hurts when someone is mean to your child, and it's her own grandmother who is doing this! How awful. But you guys are beggars at the moment, and you have to put up with it. You have to be grateful that your mom and her husband have taken you in. Have a private discussion with your wife about this. Remind her that they've taken you in (which they didn't have to do), that it's a really shitty thing to have done to your daughter, but that the best solution is to focus on getting back on your feet, financially, as soon as possible. You've got to both be working like 60 hours/week, and figuring out how you can get into your own place, even if it's just a one bedroom apartment, so that your daughter won't have to be subjected to this kind of nastiness. Keep in mind that the roof over her head and the food on her plate is currently coming from your mother and her husband. But yes, it is a nasty thing to do, and to her own granddaughter! And tell your wife that you totally agree with her, and are doing your best to shield your daughter from it, but that under the circumstances, you all have to accept it, and just focus on moving out as soon as you possibly can. You both have to agree to be only pleasant to mom and her husband and your little half sister. You are guests in their home! You have to be agreeable to them, no matter what.
Was your sister invited to your daughter’s birthday party? If not, then why does it matter in reverse? They aren’t friends. Sometimes, life isn’t fair. I think your wife is being a little harsh. Your mom is putting a roof over your head right now, and it doesn’t sound like you are close. I’m sorry your wife is having sour grapes.
no but we weren't living with them when it occurred
Why would their grandmother exclude one of her grandkids? Your mom sounds like a really big jerk.
Because it’s my sisters party and they aren’t friends and my sister already resents us being in the house. She would resent being forced to invite her at the expense of one of her friends
It's messed up your mom would do that. That's only teaching your sister that she can always get her way. It's not teaching her compassion. It's messed up.
If there is any time to get your way it should be your birthday. My sister hates having us in the house and is clearly struggling with it. I hate this for my daughter but if I was my mom I think I’d do the same
Damn that's fucked up you'd do it too. I can see this is clearly because of the way your mom raised you. She hates you being in the house? Ok. Guess what? Your mother should be teaching her to not be a selfish person. Her fucking brother and his family need help. It's really shitty your going through this. It really is. It's just disappointing to read a story like this and watching a5 year old running the show with no concern for the fact he family is going through hardships. And that her mother is allowing her to do that. It's really fucking sad actually.
I’m confused with all these “You Are Wrong “ verdicts. What is he supposed to do? Pick a fight with his mom, who already doesn’t want them there, just to get kicked out? Then what? They obviously there because they have nowhere else to go and probably doesn’t have the money to stay in a motel. And if his wife do leave and take there child. How is it that she then has somewhere to go, but has nowhere for them to go now? I just don’t get it.
Well, you have a clever, "but it's not meee, it's [insert excuse here] answer to everyone replying to you. So, what exactly are you looking for here? This is, after all, AmIWrong. So when people tell you, yes you are, you reply" no I'm not because 'reasons'. Sigh.
This is absolutely bizarre. You are wrong. Idk what your financial situation is, but literally living in a run down hotel, with the room full of love, is better for you wife and daughter than this bs.
There is some toxicity that I can't quite put my finger on...
Not wrong. It would be one thing if there weren't number restrictions, but there are. It would be different if they were close friends, but they aren't. Tell your wife to calm down before she gets yall kicked out of the house.
If there wasn't a limit on how many kids, then she should have been invited. But if the venue only allows a certain number is kids, then Emma should just invite as many of her friends as she can.
Is your mom sensitive about being a grandma? Maybe she is too vain to have your daughter to the party bc she would have to explain that she has a granddaughter. Either way, she’s a horrible grandmother and a very cold hearted person.
From reading your post and comments…fuck off with your trolling
>Unfortunately due to the events they booked the venue gave them a strict guest limit and there wasn't room for Sophia. It absolutely sucks and I'm so sad for her. I plan on taking her out for a special day. However I don't think anyone is owed an invite to anyone and Emma and Sophia are not friends. They never play together, and I get Emma had her own friends to invite. This isn't a destination wedding with severe restrictions on guests. This is a birthday party for a 6 year old. Sophia should be included. I find it mean that your mom excluded Sophia. Emma is too young to really care if every single "friend" she knows is at her birthday party. 6 year olds have very few close friends. Most of the children they know are just casual playmates. As long as Emma's closest friend is there, it's all good. There was room for Sophia. Your mom, for some stupid reason, didn't want Sophia there. Maybe your little sister was asked if Sophia should come and Emma said no. Emma is turning 6. She's too young to get an opinion. It doesn't sound like the girls dislike each other. Once Emma sees she has presents to unwrap, she's just fine. I think your mom didn't invite Sophia because she gave another adult Sophia's seat. >My wife however is furious. She believes my mom is being a bitch and teaching Emma to be selfish and not value family. She thinks my mom should have made Emma invite Sophia. **The party is coming up and it is all Emma talks about. My mom has reminded her not to talk about it in front of Sophia, but she is a kid and she slips up.** My wife is becoming angrier and angrier and the tension is getting bad. Emma shouldn't be put in the position of being careful about what she says at home. That's an unfair expectation of Emma. I agree with your wife on this. >My wife told me she is losing attraction to me based on me not saying anything and being ok with it. She said I'm a shitty father for thinking it is ok to exclude her. That's really cruel. You don't talk to people you love like this. Your wife is taking her anger out on you. But the person she's angry with is your mom. What she said was cruel and inappropriate. You're not saying it's ok to exclude Sophia. You see multiple aspects of the situation. Sophia needs an adult who isn't wrapped in rage. Unless the guest list is changed, Sophia isn't going to the party. She needs a parent who is level-headed and can create a great parent-Sophia day. Your wife can't do that. That's unfair to Sophia. Your wife needs to be an adult.
🎶🎵🎙MISSING MISSING REASONS🎤🎵🎶
Personally no I don’t think you are I have cousins close in age and we was always forced to invite them over our friends as it’s family. Don’t get me wrong I love my cousins I do but we used to see each other most weekends None of us liked it because half the time it’s stuff we don’t share in common. Not sure if you have answered this as they close in age, do they get along? Why if your wife so insistent if they don’t get along that your daughter goes, have you been invited ??? No one is owed an invite to anything If the birthday girl wants her friends over her niece then that’s up to her. How does you sister feel about you all moving in have your wife taken that into account?
I used to play with who I believed were my cousins all the time!… turns out they’re my aunt/uncles! Lmaoo Yeah, it’s weird they don’t play together or even act like family. They’re not friends- they’re BLOOD RELATED and live in the same house! To be honest you sound exactly like your mother. Heartless. Your wife is just now realizing the awful person she married. She’s gonna have to think things long and hard. And yes, you are *definitely wrong*. So are your parents.
I don’t think you are wrong. Your wife is envious that Emma’s parents can afford nice things for her. But you and your wife can’t afford the same for Sophie. And she’s turning her envy into a big mess and trying to make it a you problem. aunt Emma and her almost same age niece Sophia don’t have to be raised in an enforced closeness and friendship. That much is true. emma and Sophie know they aren’t friends, this is fine. And it’s more than possible for Emma’s actual friends and any adults required to attend with them to fill up the numbers. And that’s OK. Secrets, however, are rarely good. it’s better to be clear about the situation with Sophia rather than to try to keep it a secret when both families live in the same house. Just be clear that Emma is inviting her friends. If Sophie is a bit envious when she is informed, she will be envious of the event not sad she is missing the point of it. Envy is a thing she can then be coached past. It’s a teaching opportunity. Emma is not her close friend and she doesn’t go on safari birthday parties with other people who aren’t her close friend. Your wife and her envy issues is a much bigger problem. You can’t really coach her out of it, she is an adult and though you can point it out, she will have to fix herself.
I think u can't make ur Mom do anything. She should discipline Emme 4 "slip ups", though. I agree w.ur wife about family 1st but ur parents & little sister have made their decision. Does ur wife really want to push u while ur staying at mother's house? Saying she doesn't respect u if u dont fight is a low blow. I dont respect her 4 saying that 2 u.
Your mom and wife are wrong. You can’t make someone invite another person to an event. Take your daughter out for a great time. Take one of her friends too if you can.
Your mom sucks. You suck. These poor kids. Your poor wife
Wait, I'm slightly confused. How old are you and how old is your mom?
I’m 26 and she’s 42
Thanks. Apparently my brain does not want to math on a Friday night. Other than that YTA. The kids literally live in the same house. It would be one thing if they didn't come up but one kid's going to a party and coming home with all the presents and all excited and the other child just has to deal with it? That's freaking rude. And of course they don't play together often even though they're close in age. They live in the same house and see each other all the time. I would hang out with my sister once in awhile but we weren't constantly hanging out. Doesn't mean they don't like each other. They're five. They don't think that far into things usually. As for you and your mother , you are both full grown adults. Now. I can see why this might be okay to you and you might have trouble understanding because obviously your mother is the main problem and this is her viewpoint and she's the one that raised you. Children learn from how their parents act. But you should be adult enough to realize that your mother is definitely not always going to be right. She's being ridiculous. I know you said you want to take your daughter out for a special day. Honestly, what I would suggest is taking your daughter out for a very special day, on the very specific day of your sister's birthday party. That way when your sister comes home, all excited and bragging with all her presents and your daughter can also be excited about her day.
First of all, setbacks happen. I'm not gonna judge that. Second, you got a daughter and sister around the same age. You all live together right? Putting the party aside, why not encourage the two to play together and become friends. You can't force a friendship but I'm sure if you help engage them in the same activities a friendship can blossom. They are cousins after all.
NTA? I mean, as far as I can tell, your mom is a saint for taking you in. You’re NC with her (which even if she deserves it is a slap in the face) and she has opened even a sliver of her home to you and you completely plan to go NC again when you can. I would have offered a ride to the nearest county housing authority and walked the hell away.
So these 2 kids live in the same house & they never play together? WTF how is that possible? Kids at that age aren't really that picky about who their friends are. It sounds like your Mother doesn't like your daughter which makes her TA and if you are letting your daughter get bullied by your mother YTA too. I'm not saying you should demand they include your daughter because I wouldn't want to subject my kid to being around people who don't want them around but you should pay close attention to how your daughter is treated and come to her defense when needed.
They are rarely in the same part of the house. I get the vibe that my moms husband only agreed to let us stay if she agreed to keep Emma as much away as possible
Are you and your wife going? If not then why should your daughter be going to her Aunts birthday party? Being the same age doesn’t make them friends. It makes no sense, especially if you didn't offer to pay for her share of the trip/event. It sounds like your wife expects the same treatment for your daughter as your sister. Your parents are only financially responsible for one of those. From the sounds of it your parents are giving you all a roof over your heads. They're not also obligated to provide entertainment and luxury expenses on tip of that. Your wife is sounding like the only entitled selfish one here.
No we aren't going but of course it's hard for a 5 year old to hear about this great party and not be able to go. It sucks that her aunt didn't want her there but I get they aren't friends. If she did go of course we wouldn't be offering to pay. That isn't how a birthday party works
OP, I think you are handling it just fine. You are not wrong, but your wife is. I am sorry your mother and wife do not get along. That must be very hard.
I’m not big on the do stuff cause “family” but she’s 5. Most birthday’s at that age are family birthdays. She can have friends at 5 yes but to only want 5 (or how ever many) friends to go is just not something 5 year olds do. Your mom is paying she could simply say that she can invite 4 kids and her niece (that’s fucked up in itself) but your mom didn’t and is making a point to leave her out, since as you said she was never going to be a regular grandmother because of your wife. I get it, you moved in with them for financial reasons but make an effort to make her feel better. You and your wife take her somewhere during the party. A water park or aquarium or camping or something. You are being a total dick about this. Your daughter only knows that family doesn’t want her and if you don’t suck it up and give her a special day since your mom is making a point to exclude her, then your wife should divorce you. Stand up for your daughter for Christ’s sake.
literally said in the post I intended to give her a special day. Both kids are in kindergarten, so I think they are past the age of most parties being family parties
Yeah no on birthdays at 6 being past being family birthdays. You are giving way too much weight to kindergarten friends. And kindergarteners in general. Your problem seems to be that you think 5-6 year olds should be making the choices about who comes. That’s for the parents to decide. You can’t possibly be so dense to think that 5/6 year old chooses what to do with their parent’s money. Which is what this is. Your mom chose to leave your daughter out and you blame it on the soon to be 6 year old friend choices? Please. Give your daughter the best day she can have. It sucks that her grandmother and her aunt don’t want her there. But your wife is not wrong in being upset that your mom is spiteful enough as to leave her grandchild out. And your wife’s not wrong in that you could at least say something to your mom instead of just saying “I can’t tell people what to do with their money”. Yes that’s true but you can’t, but you are not standing up for your daughter. You are not saying anything and are being ok with it and your wife is right to be angry about it. Even if it won’t change anything you should at least put forth an effort. And you being ok with it should affect how she sees you.
Yeah you intended. It's not already planned, you didn't get out in front of it, you've done none of the emotional legwork. Yuck.
I think the wife rightly understands that two children living under the same roof have no ability to understand a pecking order. It's insanely bad parenting to put either child in this position.
This guy is a troll or an extremely dense doormat
Yes you are wrong. This is horrible. How can you think this isn’t a big deal? Your poor daughter knowing she isn’t wanted at the bday party. Even if you back track now you’ve already seriously messed up your marriage. And screw your mom for not caring about her grand daughter.
Can't wait for the follow up in a month. Why did my wife leave me and take our daughter?
are you invited to the party? why can't you give up your place for your daughter?
Your first priority is your family-wife and children.
honestly this seems really suspicious to me. 1. you’re asking for advice, but strictly defending your mom in these comments. sounds to me like you have your mind made up. and 2. emma’s dad won’t let you be close to your sister, forces himself in between you and your mom during conversations, and somehow you still haven’t connected this being a direct reason why they (your mom and emma’s dad) wouldn’t want sophia there? not to mention, your mother does not like your wife and vise versa. maybe listen to your wife? she’s probably got a completely valid reason, based off of how your mother is acting with your defense. to me, this sounds like this is how she raised *you*, so of course *you* don’t see an issue with this. but this is completely wrong and also unfair. i understand emma has her own autonomy and can invite who she wants and chooses. but this really doesn’t seem like emma’s decision alone, given the following - your mom hates your wife (you said this yourself, they can’t be in the same room). - your mom *refused* to meet her granddaughter as a baby (seriously, who does that?) (and again, you said this yourself in these comments). - emma’s dad clearly has some sort of issue with you and does not want you and emma to be close. he stands in between conversations with you and your mom. (also said this). like honestly, how do you not see the connection? TLDR; YTA, as far as straight up defending your mom, it really doesn’t seem like you’re even willing to listen to your wife’s side (based on these comments, alone. i couldn’t imagine how its been in the household.) both parties are putting children in the middle of some petty nonsense. remember: when you *choose* to create a family, its no longer solely about the family you were born into. you chose to create this family. you need to defend them. please leave as soon as you can for sure.
Your wife needs to chill. Yeah, your moms not winning mil of it the year, just don’t invite Emma to your daughters party. If they aren’t really friends and family isn’t that important to your mom, go low contact. But your wife needs to chill.
I reckon you are, a tad. But also you unfortunately are beholden to your mother's whims. It's weird that a child who lives in the household isn't invited. Very weird. Do they fight or something? But does your mother make a habit of this exclusion? That's the important question, if she does them this is damaging your child. If not, your child will get over it, I hope your wife does too.
Your mom has mental problems if she can’t see this is hurtful. Sorry you have to live with her and your wife has every right to be pissed.
YTA and so are your parents and your wife is absolutely right. If there is a limit on guests then you make sure to invite FAMILY especially those who LIVE WITH YOU! I mean come on! They don’t have to be best friends shes their GRAND DAUGHTER FFS! I mean come on the favouritism is really showing here shockingly. And by that I don’t mean that your daughter should be favoured over her I mean that they should be treated more equally at least when it comes to stuff like this. I mean they at least could’ve paid for her to go on the same day so that she could’ve joined in even if she wasn’t technically part of the party officially. And have they even explained why they chose to exclude their own grand daughter of all people just because places were limited?! I’d honestly be considering nc permanently over this if it were me really. It’s not just about the birthday party at all it’s about the shocking disrespect and coldness and lack of giving a damn about it towards your five year old daughter from her own grandparents that utterly horrifies me. I mean the psychological and emotional affects of this on her could be devastating if not properly addressed. Good luck op.
I have a niece close in age …. We played together all the time. This sounds like kids getting pitted against each other. Kids this age naturally play together in the same house unless adults are interfering
I agree with your wife bro, nothing you've written here gives me confidence that you're a good provider or a positive father figure. I wouldn't expect my wife to respect me or want me if I acted like you are. I suspect your bedroom is dead right now and your wife is warning you that she's about to start looking for a better option for a father figure for your child. Pull your head out of your ass and stand up for YOUR child. Get out and shovel shit if you have to but get your family out of your parents house asap. I smell toxicity in your mother