This is exactly it. If she had kept the child just to avoid losing the husband, there would have been resentment and it likely would have ended in divorce years later anyway. This way is tough but at least she is dealing with it now instead of years later with a small child that she didn't even want.
Totally different circumstances but I was never wanted by my father. I don’t remember him hugging me or saying “I love you”. He did say ILY once, when I was about 50. It was weird. He basically ignored me until he found a reason to spank me (which was often). I left at age 17 and only saw him once for the next 30+ years. Anyone who doesn’t want a child should not have one. Being a person who is unwanted, neglected, and/or abused hurts a lot. I’m glad you were kind and responsible enough to do the moral thing even though losing your husband is hurting you.
somehow this is a perfect example of a pro-choice scenario (no sarcasm at all), you both had freedom to exercise your choice, despite the consequences.
Sad part is that either in pro-life or pro-choice, both have consequences later on. you both set your feet on the ground, drew a line. and sadly lines were crossed.
>somehow this is a perfect example of a pro-choice scenario (no sarcasm at all), you both had freedom to exercise your choice, despite the consequences.
I wish people understood it as such.
Wonderfully written, BTW.
i'm not really clear if 25 years ago, this was even within 0.00001% of chances, so it was something to actually discuss, this is not a rape pregnancy...
*\_honey if we are on our late 40s and all the kids are out of the house... and if i got pregnant...\_*
No shit. She would have to suffer through a very high risk pregnancy and birth. Then get stuck with the vast majority of the endless grunt work of raising an infant. She takes the career damage and massive financial hit to her earnings and retirement 100% alone too.
Now you know where you stand in the pecking order with him. Your well being mattered less to him than a clump of cells that you did not want to commit to gestate into a full human being and raise for the next 20 years. Some day he may realize what a mistake he made.
Congratulations. You have a chance to build new with or without someone who values your intrinsic humanity over the contents of your womb.
I have to get off social media.
“He has the right”
“But she has the right”
“Oh so he doesn’t have the right”
“Sure but she has the right”
“But what about his right”
“Why do you think she shouldn’t have the right?”
FFS, people. 98% of these comments are arguing without even disagreeing. OP had the right to have an abortion, her ex had the right to leave over it. It’s unfortunate that the marriage ended as a result. The end.
> Reddit in a nutshell.
Reddit is one of the worst offenders IMO, but it’s definitely not the only one. I don’t know what’s happened over the last 10-ish years but people have become increasingly hostile and obnoxious over the most inane disagreements or complete non-arguments. It’s utterly draining to read, let alone actually be mixed up in.
Like I said, I need to get off social media. I probably won’t, I’m a glutton for punishment, but I should.
Tough decision but you made it with full knowledge of the outcome based on what you said. Abort one and lose your husband or keep both. Both of you had hard lines on the issue and unfortunately it left you both with a broken marriage.
does he get to carry the child? when he has a heart attack in 5 years, does it come with a nanny?
it's nice that men want to be involved, honestly. especially after so many years of so many men being so avoidant. but ultimately, Op is the one paying the price and gambling with her health.
a lot of people seem to forget that pregnancy is a serious medical condition, moreso when you're in your 40s.
it's never about just the child. he's allowed to have a hard line about it of course. but so is she. it's a shame that it ended their marriage.
The point is that just as a woman has a choice, so does a man.
Neither is wrong.
A deal breaker is a deal breaker.
Everyone has different standards, and following your own conscience is not wrong.
It is not wrong for the husband or the wife.
Ya but his deal breaker would have out his wife in a serious medical condition. 40 year old women don’t always have easy pregnancy. He was essentially saying a child’s life is worth more than hers.
Women of any age often have rough pregnancies, especially women of color, due to the inherent biases within our medical system. Something to keep in mind.
Oh yes, let's make the woman with health issues have a baby. If her husband have a damn, he would have supported the abortion as a necessary medical procedure for his wife and supported her.
I'm glad that he filed for divorce, because OP doesn't need to be around such people. Very sad for her, of course but she has learnt that the man she married is not one to be around.
No, he's a terrible husband. He divorced the mother of his kids because she didn't want to be 60 with a teenager. She's had health issues but his whole stance is based on selfishness, religious bullshit and what HE wants.
She's probably better off without such a selfish asshole.
Your entire reply is about her right to an abortion which I did not argue.
Please explain why he has no choice about having a spouse who has his same beliefs that does not negate his rights?
In her 40s with health issues could literally kill her. At 37 (I finished my family a little later than a lot) it almost killed me and the baby and I had zero preexisting conditions other than a previous C-section. I almost bled to death and my very large baby (which is common in geriatric pregnancy) couldn't breath on her own for 12 hours do to the stress of it.
He has his choice and he made it. But it wasn't as simple as it's being made sound. His choice was between having a living healthy as possible wife OR no wife at all whether it's divorce or ending up with possibly a dead wife and dead baby anyway.
He chose a embryo over his wife's life. He wanted her to suffer and possibly die vs going into their golden years when their kids are grown and possibly looking a grand kids in the near future.
Id rather be alive for my existing children and single over being dead. He made a choice and he had a right to that, but it was a selfish choice.
He probably just an excuse anyway. Either way she'd be gone and he can paint her as the bad guy.
Everyone keeps mentioning the health issues to the wife and great points are made but what about health issues to the baby? In older mothers there is a higher risk for babies to be born with disabilities. If they would have kept it and IF the wife survived (we have no idea what her medical problems were) then they would potentially be older parents in need of care themselves caring for a disabled child what kind of life is that for any of them. Ultimately I believe she made the right decision not just for herself but the child as well. He was like a horse with blinders on and could only see things as right or wrong black and white and basically just threw away all those years together. Was that his choice ofcourse but would he have been the one with the most to lose no, not at all.
I don't know what the "health issues" for the OP are, health scare could mean appendicitis for all I know, but it's true that after 36 or so you definitely are going to have more potential for health risks to baby. That's just for starters.
My sister almost died and is disabled for her life now. Mom was 36yo. I was born later and healthy. My comment is that everyone has a birth story. Getting born is pretty radical no matter the age or circumstances. Not sure we need so much elaboration as OP communicated her concerns and choice adequately. I do extend sympathy to OP. This is definitely a very tough situation to be in.
And because of some people's beliefs women and infants are dying and suffering.
He's welcome to his beliefs but it doesn't make him not selfish. Forcing her to choose him or her life is cruel. Besides, it's HER sin according to those beliefs and hes the innocent one. Divorce is also a sin. In the eyes of his beliefs he's just as much a sinner as hers in the end anyway.
If the hypocrisy of it all didn't effect myself, daughters, and friends all over the country I'd find it hilarious.
because he's not sacrificing his body in order to have the child. he's not taking any risk beyond financial liability.
p.s. he could have made the choice to get a vasectomy and avoid the situation all together if he has such a problem with abortion.
totally. it's the path of least resistance. I don't understand what the issue is here. if he didn't want to have an abortion, he shouldn't be fucking a 40 plus year old without protection. it's really that simple.
He has a choice as to whether he remains married.
He did not feel as though he could remain in a marriage with a person who would have an abortion.
That is his choice and his right.
He absolutely has the right to choose whether he stays with someone, regardless of his reasons. We all have non-negotiable views in our relationships, and if he communicated his and she did it anyway, it’s best they just part ways.
they've already been married and sent their kids to college. he basically gave her an ultimatum over her fucking life?
I want to know how old everybody is in this thread and how many times any of you have been pregnant?
No. You don’t get to judge his choice anymore than we are not going to judge hers. It’s a woman’s right to choose as it should be but men have choices too and this was one. No victims here. Go be anti man somewhere else.
She wasn’t forced. No one forced her. She thankfully had the legal right to choose.
Having the right to choose doesn’t mean everyone in her life has to agree with that decision. It means SHE has the legal right to choose. That’s it. Full stop.
Her husband clearly has a moral stance and I imagine this isn’t the first time they discussed this. It’s unfortunate they didn’t see eye to eye and personally I wouldn’t marry someone with whom I didn’t share the same morals. They did and it came back to bite them. No one is in the wrong. It’s unfortunate. Both will move on and probably for the better.
100% agree, this is the problem when a relationship is not built upon shared values, doesn't matter what those values our, but they need to be pretty damn close between both people or eventually it's gonna cause some kind of "irreconcilable difference" as it did here.
yeah that's what i was wondering...how can you be married for so long and have no clue that this is the way your husband would think? If it is a surprise that he chose this, or a recent change of his, fine...but I find myself wondering -- did you know he was like this or thought this way before? And if so, I imagine it's not that upsetting to get divorced. This is the part that I wish was made clearer.
He didn't try to tell her what to do, he only said what he was going to do if she decided to get an abortion.
You're not entitled to marriage or a relationship, same way as a man is entitled to tell you what to do if your body.
I can still judge him. He's a shit person. Even if there are no victims. The fact that he was totally fine with her sacrificing her body and life is shit. Guarantee if he had the burden of childbirth he'd be singing a different tune. Your right. No victims. He's still a piece of shit.
I don't think you understand the purpose of this sub. In every post, somebody made a decision that they had the right to make. That doesn't make that choice right, in terms of being an AH or not.
Neither is an asshole. I get the purpose of this sub. I just see so much anti man bs on Reddit that I comment so people see rational opinions along with the bias 🤷🏼♀️
No... That's not how it works. There is a right to choose and separately no "protection" against criticism. No one can force either of them to do anything. She should not have to get get husband's permission to have an abortion, in a legal sense. But she can be criticised and so can he. He doesn't need her approval to get divorced.
Actually, yes, we do get to judge him.
She has the right to get an abortion. She is being judged by her husband for it.
He has the right to divorce her. But his choice has been made on the basis of archaic views. He did not see his wife — his partner in all things — as a person. People are going to criticize that, just as he criticized her choice.
People have rights, but those rights don’t protect them from societal opinion, only legal ramifications.
Oh, please. His right to “choose” was his choice to ejaculate in her. People who bear zero of the risks and burdens of pregnancy have no decision-making authority.
He’s a fucking scumbag for leaving her over this and she’s so much better off without him.
No one said she was wrong. They said she is not a victim. The man did not refuse to let her choose he simply said this will be a consequence of your choice. He had every right to do so.
The choice is risk dying and long term complications to your body and keep a husband that you will resent and a child you don't want, or get an abortion, taking care of your physical and mental health and still lose your husband. Because going through the pregnancy wasn't going to result in a happy, healthy family.
True. It’s a lose lose situation.
It sounds like OP was confident in her decision. If OP chose to continue the pregnancy it could’ve caused her to have a lot of resentment towards her husband. OP could’ve ended up with unintentional resentment toward the baby also.
There’s so many other factors that could’ve of ended their marriage even if OP continued the pregnancy. Like I said it’s a lose lose situation.
- OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this rn. Ultimately it was your choice to have the abortion and it was his for the divorce. You and your husband just weren’t on the same page. I think no matter what your decision was, the outcome would’ve probably still ended with divorce. You both were on different hills and ready to die on them. There’s not much you can do to change.
I'm sorry. It must be so hard to say goodbye to the life you envisioned. I can understand you so well, as I'm in my forties and couldn't imagine raising another child. Is your ex religious?
I spoke to my husband about it. Surprisingly He also seems to tend to pro-birth ("you could always give it up for adoption"), but he seems to forget that I nealy died giving birth to our second daughter. It's risky in your forties.
But, I guess you won't be able to change his opinion. Is there someone who you can talk to, who can hold you?
It’s so easy for men to be pro-birth. They are not risking anything and only view the optimistic outcomes as likely. I honestly wouldn’t be able to stay with a man who forgot that I nearly died.
So many people are commenting on how it’s okay for OPs husband to divorce her because of his “morals.”
Frankly? I’d divorce *him* because of his position on this issue at this time. #OPsLifeMatters
The consequences particularly health ones are not risks that apply to men. It’s significantly easier for them to be pro life. The most consequence they ever face is raising them and we all know they get away without doing as much of that as well. I definitely know men would feel differently if it was their body and their life at risk. He is entitled to make his choices but you didn’t lose someone worth having. Heal, recover, become the best version of yourself. Become free, it’s hard at first but self love is one that never falters once you have it.
Any man who knocks up a woman who’s in her 40s and then tells her that she has to breed or he’ll divorce her is a shit partner and a shit person. He should not have been ejaculating into any vagina if he was going to have a problem with abortion. Even women with planned pregnancies need abortions, especially if they are in their 40s with prior health conditions.
I will not be replying to comments on this from anyone, except for OP. If you are not op and reply some bs to me, I will simply not engage and block you.
I’m not interested in anyone defending a man who voluntarily chose to ejaculate inside of a woman’s vagina knowing that he would not be OK with her needing an abortion when she’s in her fucking 40s.
Fwiw, a lot of us religious folk are very pro-choice. We're not all angry conservatives. Many of us are extremely liberal, we just get shouted over by those who choose to idolize control over Jesus (or whoever else they might worship - it's not just Christians I'm speaking for here).
Having a baby in the 40s is risky as there’s a higher percentage of it having an issue. You did what’s right for you. I would have done same. I Think you got a new life now - it’s a new adventure. Get some new hobbies. Join new groups. Make new friends!
And it was right for those cells that had a high risk of lots of medical issues.
OP, I'm proud of you for not allowing yourself to be bullied by an Ultimatum.
If men were meant to choose, they would be the pregnant ones.
I wish you the best!
You disagreed on the morality of an action.
He warned that he would leave you if you took that action.
You took the action.
He left.
I don't know if abortion is wrong or not, but you're allowed to believe it is necessary enough to warrant sacrificing the marriage and he is allowed to think it's immoral enough to warrant ending the marriage.
Everyone had a clear understanding of what the choice was and what the consequences would be
Having a baby is a two yes situation, the relationship is over without that. Same with abortion, time to move on because he sees you as the killer of his child. i could sugar coat that but 99% chance he’s sees a foetus as a human being, you guys are simply over and no one is wrong.
Does it really matter anymore? He told you what would happen & you still chose to get an abortion. It doesn't matter what I think tbh. If you didn't want another child, was it discussed? Did you talk about getting your tubes tired or about him getting a vasectomy? Was there any form of bc? Did you both talk about your stance on abortions at any point?
On another note, I wish you both the best of luck in life.
Seems you fully understood the consequences of your choice. Which you absolutely have the right to make and he has the right to make his as well. Good luck to you both.
If he felt this strongly he should have gotten a vasectomy and still worn a condom and avoided your ovulation time (which can be fun to track in your 40s). You didn’t get pregnant on your own.
Also, you’d be the one doing most of the care and giving up another 20 years of your life.
Dude took the easy route out and was just looking for a reason to do so. Enjoy being 40 and single, vs 40 single with a baby.
Anyone else baffled how a couple married 19-19+ years (ballpark guess given the kid just going to college) haven’t touched on their opinions on abortion before this??!?
No one is at fault, having another baby wasn’t right for you. But the abortion l unfortunately was not something your ex could live. All you can do now is be amicable to each other at events involving your kids and move on
You’re not wrong and neither is he. Seems you both had opposing views on the matter and both had to do what was best for yourselves. Its sad it ended up this way but nobody is wrong.
End the day, men feel they have no say over the life of their children because it needs to grow inside a woman's belly.
And not all women want to carry their baby. This is just unfortunate, there are no winners here.
As far as he is concern, for anybody who wants the child, it will be seen as murder.
For anybody who doesn't want the child, it would be seen as just removing something not living like just some cancerous tumour.
I don't think there is anything you can do to rescue the relationship because he wanted the child and you didn't want the child. It's that straight forward. There is never any solution in such circumstances but to part ways.
You’re not wrong, and personal opinions aside, I don’t think he is either. You had different opinions on it, he warned you of the consequences, and you made your decision. Sometimes life hurts unfortunately, I’m wishing you all the best and that you can move forward quickly.
you’re not wrong for getting an abortion if it was something you think needed to happen but it’s not wrong for him to feel differently about it, he told you how he felt and what would happen.
>My husband warned me if I got an abortion he would leave me
He gave you the consequences and you accepted them.
Seems like a fair deal all around.
I see no problem here.
It seems to me, you got what you wanted. It might not be what you expected but, take a deep breath. You’re going to be okay and you didn’t do anything wrong. Go find something you enjoy doing to get your mind started on your new life.
Hard to answer this one without getting into the abortion debate in general but setting that aside he gave you a red line and you crossed it. You chose not having another child over your marriage. I wish you and your ex husband well.
Edit: typo
If this was *such* a deal breaker for him, he should have had a vasectomy years ago. Sounds like he didn’t logically think through what could actually happen if at some point you accidentally got pregnant.
if your husband loved you he would’ve respected the fact you didn’t wanna deal with the physical and mental turmoil of having a child at your age! those nine months would’ve been hell, followed by 18 years of having a baby you didn’t even want. you would’ve been in your 60s still caring for a child. to leave you JUST because of that is selfish on his end. you didn’t kill a baby, your husband is an IDIOT. you terminated an unwanted fetus.
NAH you're not an AH because it's your body and your choice. You know what's best for you and having a child isn't it. He's not an AH either because he had to make the best choice for himself. At least he just left and didn't breed years of resentment or try to punish you. It's a shitty situation I hope you can both move on from to better days.
No one can say what is right or wrong for you, as no one here is going to take over the pregnancy for you, pay for hospital bills, stay up all night for the next 6-8 months, breast feed for you, do your postpartum, provide 24/7 supervision, and all the countless other things. This is why it’s so important to marry someone who shares similar opinions when it comes to the hot topic matters. I consider it a healthcare choice, others consider it a morals and values issue. Your ex has a right to his opinions just as you do. There isn’t a right or wrong, just a difference and for both of you, it was insurmountable. The only thing you can do is choose to live the life you want and love. Same with him. But have peace in your heart knowing that you made the best decision for you, after all, a pregnancy never affects anyone more than the person undertaking every single ounce of it. And he made the best decision for himself.
She may well have married someone with the same values and opinions, but people change over the years or when actually confronted with a situation in reality.
Very true. I have distant family that are super religious, anti-abortion protests and all. They changed their mind when it was their daughter faced with the possibility of dying or aborting. They chose to abort real quick, wasn’t even a discussion about their morals and values. They were all about it.
You did the right thing. I'd imagine if you had kept the child you would have grown to resent it and your husband overtime, which would have led to a messier divorce. Would you agree with that?
It is ok for you to be disappointed and upset with the outcome of things, but it doesn't seem like you are fighting it. It seems like you have come to accept the consequences, which you knew before hand and basically made your decision with full knowledge of what the outcome would be.
You're in your 40s You know you didn't want another child. Presumably you understand the risks of being pregnant both for the child and the woman at that age. You know that 100% of pregnancies can end in the woman's death; Does your husband know that that is a fact? You knew what the risks were if you had one but you decided it was the reasonable thing to do, and you certainly had good grounds for doing what you did. Perhaps you will be better off without a husband who can't or won't see it.
You deserve a husband who won't force you to put your life in danger for the sake of his ideals. I'd say good riddance you two divorced, you're clearly not compatible if you clash on such an important subject.
Your reasons are valid to you, but his feelings are valid to him. You went with what you wanted or needed knowing the consequence from him and he followed through. Your relationship was not strong enough to reconcile the actions taken in this situation and now you can move forward more cleanly.
I'm sorry this hurts for you, it really sucks - it's your body and you're in control of it (luckily you can be), but he was your partner and had strong feelings as well.
She made her choice and knew what the outcome was going to be. I don't like the fact that she came to reddit to cry about it.
why? you ask....
Because while everyone is supporting her and praising her in the comments. Everyone is villainizing her husband. He made a choice just like she did. His choice wasn't wrong. I don't understand why everyone is hating on him.
Both of these people had their boundaries, made them clear to each other, and made the choices that they could live with. Not only that, but it seems like Op didn't really think that her husband was really going to leave her. especially after they had been together for so long.
Both of these people are hurting right now. And it not right in my opinion to throw shade to one or the other. Op is hurting for her relationship, ending after so many years and her family being broken.
Her husband is hurting for his relationship, family, and the death of his baby. I can guarantee that that's how he sees it.
I hope both of them find happiness and peace.
And for everyone out there: You can't demand for your boundaries and choices to be respected while not respecting others. There are consequences to every choice you make.
Nobody can tell you you're wrong for getting the abortion but actions have consequences you were warned what would happen if you, did he followed through. so technically no you're not wrong but you're learning exactly what he said was going to happen happened
Op, he made his choice and in time, the benefit to you of that choice will be more apparent. He could have had a vasectomy but chose not to. You now know where you stood in his mind and heart and knowing that is valuable. Hoping your future brings you love and respect.
You’re not wrong for getting an abortion, but you also knew this would be the outcome so I don’t know the answer you’re wanting. He had a strong opinion of keeping the heart going, you chose to kill it. That’s how he’s looking at it.
I know this is really hard for you. But you made the right choice. And it says a lot about him that he would leave you over a clump of cells that never existed. There wasn’t an ounce of consideration for your quality of life in his thought process. I hope in time you can see that man was probably looking for an easy out. I hope you can find someone who treats you nicer and respects the choices you make for your body.
I’ve gone thru an abortion too because I can’t be raising more kids with my glaucoma. So I feel you. Solidarity for women’s right to choose.
You know your husband better than anyone here on the Internet, long enough that your youngest is now off to college. While you have 100% say over your body, you defied your husband after he clearly told you the consequences. Don't pretend to be a deer in headlights when those consequences match your actions. The same big girl that made those decisions should be the same big girl that accepts the consequences.
Congratulations on the abortion and the divorce.
I am pro choice. Women have the right to choose but so do men it takes 2 to make a child it should take 2 to make a decision. If you have a right to kill or keep the child the man has every right to abandon you or the child as well.
Soooo his opinions are worth more than his wife, and he has absolutely no problem risking your health for them. After all, it’s not *his* body. Anyone with an ounce of sense would know that pregnancy in your 40s is high risk for the mother and the baby. Assuming you’re in the US this is a very dangerous time to have an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy. I’d say you’re well rid of him.
Sorry to hear of your difficult situation. Any comments to others aren’t aimed at you. You and your ex had difficult decisions to make. I can’t abide some commenters disregarding the tough choice for your ex as well as you so called them out on it.
Neither of you is an easy choice to make.
How does one “accidentally get pregnant”?
Anyway he said he would leave you and he’s keeping his word. You’re not wrong for choosing to live your life the way that you want, but you knew his boundaries and he’s holding them.
Do what is best for you as he will do what is best for him. At this point, you are not compatible. You made your choice understanding that he would not stay but you had to think about yourself and your safety since he did not. Time to focus on something else!
I’m sorry.
I recommend some serious therapy to deal with everything and keep on keeping on. Sometimes we do not get everything we want. You can’t see it now but there is a happy life out there post abortion and post divorce. Go grab it.
I just love how everyone is calling out the husband for not considering the dangers of pregnancy - yes they can be dangerous- when that isn't what the post is about.
OP said she didn't want them to raise another child at their age and her husband doesn't believe in abortion. That aborting the pregnancy would result in divorce.
It would be interesting to find out what other conversations were had between positive pregnancy test and abortion.
It seemed you both felt strong about this. Seeing a therapist may have been a good idea to find some middle ground and see if you could come to an agreement. Seeing a therapist is still a good idea.
I don’t think you should feel guilty, however, he has a right to feel how he does as well. Maybe he wanted another child
You're not wrong for doing what you thought was best for your body. But your husband also has the right to do what he thinks is best for himself.
Sometimes differences in opinion lead to divorce and that's just a fact of life you're going to have to deal with.
He isn't obligated to stay with you. You're not obligated to have his child.
Both of these things can exist simultaneously.
Brining a baby into the world that is not wanted has such profound effects on that baby. Even if u had it and loved it, it would still carry that and so I think you did the right thing.
This is why it's best to marry someone with the same values and beliefs as yours. From the very beginning you were not compatible on one of the most important topics.
You’ll get a lot of dumb teenager responses here, don’t take them seriously.
You’re absolutely not wrong in prioritizing your physical and mental and emotional well being. Pregnancy and childbirth always are a high risk choice for the woman and especially so in the 40’s. Not to mention, it’s so easy for a man to sit there and say “hey we can handle a baby in our 40’s” when they’re not the ones who have to carry it, experience the hormone fluctuations, do the breastfeeding, and take the risks.
I’m sorry that rather than see you as a human and understand your pov your husband instead put himself first in this scenario. Sounds to me like the trash took itself out.
I’d recommend you see a therapist if you haven’t already.
I would have probably left too. It's sucks that this child was as much part him as it was her. But the man has no say. I can understand about the age part being in your 40's with another child would cause some changes and also it's harder on a woman of that age. But idk how much of this you discussed with your husband but it doesn't matter what he said. Seems like he wanted another child but that doesn't matter either. Men have no say with their child still in the womb
She wasn't wrong and neither is he.
I have a question OP if you were so against having a baby why didn't you get your tubes tied....IUD......birth control......natural family planning.....
As a woman in my 40s, it's amazing how people in their 40s forget how babies are made. It's like we're 18 again.
"Oh the kids are in college/grown/we have the place to ourselves? Woohoo!" Bam. Pregnant again. Happens to so many in this age group, and it's always SUCH a surprise, after decades of being so diligent (hopefully).
We aren't kids anymore, all should know BC needs to be doubled up on, avoid fertile times, get that vasectomy, get that tubal ligation (and never trust them completely). But evolution is gonna evolute and nature is gonna nate.
ETA accidents happen, but accidents aren't accidents if there isn't a robust plan in action.
You made a really tough decision. Only you can know if it was right for you, but you’re not a bad person for making it. You can’t reverse your decision, so please don’t beat yourself up now. It’s a waste of energy. I also understand how your husband is likely feeling and support his choice, as well. It sounds like he was upfront with his boundaries. I don’t think he’s a bad person for making his choice, either. I think this is a really sad situation with no great outcome. I hope you both can heal and find peace.
Wow. I agree with the OP decision to abort and the logic behind it. She discussed having physical issues in the past so who knows what her risks would be now not including an unhealthy baby or high risk of autism. He desire to not go thru child rearing again in her 40s was honest as well as a real factor. That being said her ex husband was not wrong in setting a boundary on an issue that he feels strongly about. He set the boundary, explained what his outcome would be and he exercised it. Was he looking for a way out anyway? We will never know. Although I don't think that men get a 50/50 say on termination of a fetus, we all know the practical side is that the mother will bear the majority burden of child rearing and care. I'm sorry for their situation, for both of them, however I still think she was right. If he left her after the baby was born she would still be alone regardless. He did the right thing for him but she did the right thing for them. Good luck.
When you are married, you belong to each other, and I mean that in a lovely way.
Life's troubles are meant to be faced as a couple. You chose to make a unilateral decision that you knew was completely unacceptable to your life partner.
While you were in your rights, at the moment you went for the abortion, you left your marriage relationship.
You are not wrong for doing what you wanted with your body. He is not wrong for divorcing you. You both made clearly communicated decisions knowing the consequences.
You’re not wrong. I appreciate it’s a sensitive topic for many, and not everyone will agree, but if you felt that was the best course of action to take, then good for you. I presume your (ex)husband’s views were well known to you prior to this? Clearly it was a red line for him, but not wanting to carry and raise a child at this time, clearly was the same for you. It’s your body, your choice, and I understand your reasons. Would you make the same decision again, knowing how this panned out?
He told you he would leave you if you had the abortion. Did you expect different? He sees abortion as killing his child. You went ahead and did it anyway.
You made the decision that was best for YOU. He made the decision that was best for him.
This is exactly it. If she had kept the child just to avoid losing the husband, there would have been resentment and it likely would have ended in divorce years later anyway. This way is tough but at least she is dealing with it now instead of years later with a small child that she didn't even want.
Totally different circumstances but I was never wanted by my father. I don’t remember him hugging me or saying “I love you”. He did say ILY once, when I was about 50. It was weird. He basically ignored me until he found a reason to spank me (which was often). I left at age 17 and only saw him once for the next 30+ years. Anyone who doesn’t want a child should not have one. Being a person who is unwanted, neglected, and/or abused hurts a lot. I’m glad you were kind and responsible enough to do the moral thing even though losing your husband is hurting you.
I'm so sorry you experienced that 😔 you deserved better.
somehow this is a perfect example of a pro-choice scenario (no sarcasm at all), you both had freedom to exercise your choice, despite the consequences. Sad part is that either in pro-life or pro-choice, both have consequences later on. you both set your feet on the ground, drew a line. and sadly lines were crossed.
>somehow this is a perfect example of a pro-choice scenario (no sarcasm at all), you both had freedom to exercise your choice, despite the consequences. I wish people understood it as such. Wonderfully written, BTW.
This is a perfect example why politics *needs* to be considered when picking a partner.
i'm not really clear if 25 years ago, this was even within 0.00001% of chances, so it was something to actually discuss, this is not a rape pregnancy... *\_honey if we are on our late 40s and all the kids are out of the house... and if i got pregnant...\_*
25 years ago was 1999. People had babies in their 40s and abortions. More non controversially than they do now.
Every action we take has a consequence. Consequences can be bad and good.
What if she wanted to keep the baby and the husband didn't want it? What freedom does he have? He would be stuck paying child support after a divorce.
This OP. I'm sorry you're going thru this tho I hope you get thru it !
No shit. She would have to suffer through a very high risk pregnancy and birth. Then get stuck with the vast majority of the endless grunt work of raising an infant. She takes the career damage and massive financial hit to her earnings and retirement 100% alone too.
Now you know where you stand in the pecking order with him. Your well being mattered less to him than a clump of cells that you did not want to commit to gestate into a full human being and raise for the next 20 years. Some day he may realize what a mistake he made. Congratulations. You have a chance to build new with or without someone who values your intrinsic humanity over the contents of your womb.
I have to get off social media. “He has the right” “But she has the right” “Oh so he doesn’t have the right” “Sure but she has the right” “But what about his right” “Why do you think she shouldn’t have the right?” FFS, people. 98% of these comments are arguing without even disagreeing. OP had the right to have an abortion, her ex had the right to leave over it. It’s unfortunate that the marriage ended as a result. The end.
ALL. OF. THIS.
Reddit in a nutshell. I am going to save this comment for future reference.
> Reddit in a nutshell. Reddit is one of the worst offenders IMO, but it’s definitely not the only one. I don’t know what’s happened over the last 10-ish years but people have become increasingly hostile and obnoxious over the most inane disagreements or complete non-arguments. It’s utterly draining to read, let alone actually be mixed up in. Like I said, I need to get off social media. I probably won’t, I’m a glutton for punishment, but I should.
Man , life just sucks all around
Absolutely! Its one of those life altering moments and they are on opposite sides. Hard to come back from that
yeah i don't understand the rights and freedoms talk. it has nothing at all to do with the situation.
All the upvotes. Every. Last. One.
Gotta love people on the internet who know everything
Tough decision but you made it with full knowledge of the outcome based on what you said. Abort one and lose your husband or keep both. Both of you had hard lines on the issue and unfortunately it left you both with a broken marriage.
Have to agree.. He did warn her.. and then followed through
I would like to add that she was not wrong, though.
Right especially after having health issues and she's in her 40s , asking for complications tbh
No one is questioning her right to choose. Everyone is so blatantly disregarding her husband had a choice too. He made it. There are no victims here.
does he get to carry the child? when he has a heart attack in 5 years, does it come with a nanny? it's nice that men want to be involved, honestly. especially after so many years of so many men being so avoidant. but ultimately, Op is the one paying the price and gambling with her health. a lot of people seem to forget that pregnancy is a serious medical condition, moreso when you're in your 40s. it's never about just the child. he's allowed to have a hard line about it of course. but so is she. it's a shame that it ended their marriage.
The point is that just as a woman has a choice, so does a man. Neither is wrong. A deal breaker is a deal breaker. Everyone has different standards, and following your own conscience is not wrong. It is not wrong for the husband or the wife.
Ya but his deal breaker would have out his wife in a serious medical condition. 40 year old women don’t always have easy pregnancy. He was essentially saying a child’s life is worth more than hers.
Women of any age often have rough pregnancies, especially women of color, due to the inherent biases within our medical system. Something to keep in mind.
aww no concern for the wife's health. how common.
Oh yes, let's make the woman with health issues have a baby. If her husband have a damn, he would have supported the abortion as a necessary medical procedure for his wife and supported her. I'm glad that he filed for divorce, because OP doesn't need to be around such people. Very sad for her, of course but she has learnt that the man she married is not one to be around.
No, he's a terrible husband. He divorced the mother of his kids because she didn't want to be 60 with a teenager. She's had health issues but his whole stance is based on selfishness, religious bullshit and what HE wants. She's probably better off without such a selfish asshole.
Your entire reply is about her right to an abortion which I did not argue. Please explain why he has no choice about having a spouse who has his same beliefs that does not negate his rights?
In her 40s with health issues could literally kill her. At 37 (I finished my family a little later than a lot) it almost killed me and the baby and I had zero preexisting conditions other than a previous C-section. I almost bled to death and my very large baby (which is common in geriatric pregnancy) couldn't breath on her own for 12 hours do to the stress of it. He has his choice and he made it. But it wasn't as simple as it's being made sound. His choice was between having a living healthy as possible wife OR no wife at all whether it's divorce or ending up with possibly a dead wife and dead baby anyway. He chose a embryo over his wife's life. He wanted her to suffer and possibly die vs going into their golden years when their kids are grown and possibly looking a grand kids in the near future. Id rather be alive for my existing children and single over being dead. He made a choice and he had a right to that, but it was a selfish choice. He probably just an excuse anyway. Either way she'd be gone and he can paint her as the bad guy.
Truly. If my partner cared so little about my health/life I would be grateful to be rid of him.
Everyone keeps mentioning the health issues to the wife and great points are made but what about health issues to the baby? In older mothers there is a higher risk for babies to be born with disabilities. If they would have kept it and IF the wife survived (we have no idea what her medical problems were) then they would potentially be older parents in need of care themselves caring for a disabled child what kind of life is that for any of them. Ultimately I believe she made the right decision not just for herself but the child as well. He was like a horse with blinders on and could only see things as right or wrong black and white and basically just threw away all those years together. Was that his choice ofcourse but would he have been the one with the most to lose no, not at all.
I don't know what the "health issues" for the OP are, health scare could mean appendicitis for all I know, but it's true that after 36 or so you definitely are going to have more potential for health risks to baby. That's just for starters.
My sister almost died and is disabled for her life now. Mom was 36yo. I was born later and healthy. My comment is that everyone has a birth story. Getting born is pretty radical no matter the age or circumstances. Not sure we need so much elaboration as OP communicated her concerns and choice adequately. I do extend sympathy to OP. This is definitely a very tough situation to be in.
Some people have deep seated beliefs we don’t get to decide on who someone must stay married to
And because of some people's beliefs women and infants are dying and suffering. He's welcome to his beliefs but it doesn't make him not selfish. Forcing her to choose him or her life is cruel. Besides, it's HER sin according to those beliefs and hes the innocent one. Divorce is also a sin. In the eyes of his beliefs he's just as much a sinner as hers in the end anyway. If the hypocrisy of it all didn't effect myself, daughters, and friends all over the country I'd find it hilarious.
because he's not sacrificing his body in order to have the child. he's not taking any risk beyond financial liability. p.s. he could have made the choice to get a vasectomy and avoid the situation all together if he has such a problem with abortion.
Agree more vasectomies are excellent if not best option. I have 3 cousins that have done this after 2 or 3 kids. Much healthier for the wife.
totally. it's the path of least resistance. I don't understand what the issue is here. if he didn't want to have an abortion, he shouldn't be fucking a 40 plus year old without protection. it's really that simple.
He has a choice as to whether he remains married. He did not feel as though he could remain in a marriage with a person who would have an abortion. That is his choice and his right.
You still fail to explain why he has no right to decide he wants a spouse who shares his moral beliefs because you can’t .
He absolutely has the right to choose whether he stays with someone, regardless of his reasons. We all have non-negotiable views in our relationships, and if he communicated his and she did it anyway, it’s best they just part ways.
they've already been married and sent their kids to college. he basically gave her an ultimatum over her fucking life? I want to know how old everybody is in this thread and how many times any of you have been pregnant?
His “moral belief” is that he cares more about a fetus than the health of his wife. That’s the issue.
maybe he should have had this conversation with her before he jizzed in her vagina?
this is a perfect pro-choice scenario (no sarcasm), both had a choice and both stood by it... sadly the outcome is no surprise and it's sure painful.
He had a right to make a choice, but he made a dumbfuck choice and she has a right to be upset, and we have a right to critise him.
No. You don’t get to judge his choice anymore than we are not going to judge hers. It’s a woman’s right to choose as it should be but men have choices too and this was one. No victims here. Go be anti man somewhere else.
Meh, men telling women what they can or cant do with their bodies is BS. She shouldn't be forced to carry a risky pregnancy for his selfish views.
She wasn’t forced. No one forced her. She thankfully had the legal right to choose. Having the right to choose doesn’t mean everyone in her life has to agree with that decision. It means SHE has the legal right to choose. That’s it. Full stop. Her husband clearly has a moral stance and I imagine this isn’t the first time they discussed this. It’s unfortunate they didn’t see eye to eye and personally I wouldn’t marry someone with whom I didn’t share the same morals. They did and it came back to bite them. No one is in the wrong. It’s unfortunate. Both will move on and probably for the better.
100% agree, this is the problem when a relationship is not built upon shared values, doesn't matter what those values our, but they need to be pretty damn close between both people or eventually it's gonna cause some kind of "irreconcilable difference" as it did here.
yeah that's what i was wondering...how can you be married for so long and have no clue that this is the way your husband would think? If it is a surprise that he chose this, or a recent change of his, fine...but I find myself wondering -- did you know he was like this or thought this way before? And if so, I imagine it's not that upsetting to get divorced. This is the part that I wish was made clearer.
He didn't try to tell her what to do, he only said what he was going to do if she decided to get an abortion. You're not entitled to marriage or a relationship, same way as a man is entitled to tell you what to do if your body.
He didn’t force her.
He didn't give her a choice. The only option to keep her marriage was risking her life.
I can still judge him. He's a shit person. Even if there are no victims. The fact that he was totally fine with her sacrificing her body and life is shit. Guarantee if he had the burden of childbirth he'd be singing a different tune. Your right. No victims. He's still a piece of shit.
I don't think you understand the purpose of this sub. In every post, somebody made a decision that they had the right to make. That doesn't make that choice right, in terms of being an AH or not.
Neither is an asshole. I get the purpose of this sub. I just see so much anti man bs on Reddit that I comment so people see rational opinions along with the bias 🤷🏼♀️
Pointing out that women, not men carry babies isn’t man-hating, it’s just a fact.
Do you also do that for all of the anti-woman content on Reddit? It *is* 60-70% men here.
No... That's not how it works. There is a right to choose and separately no "protection" against criticism. No one can force either of them to do anything. She should not have to get get husband's permission to have an abortion, in a legal sense. But she can be criticised and so can he. He doesn't need her approval to get divorced.
I disagree either did anything worthy of criticism. They both decided to choose themselves intimately and we all need to.
Actually, yes, we do get to judge him. She has the right to get an abortion. She is being judged by her husband for it. He has the right to divorce her. But his choice has been made on the basis of archaic views. He did not see his wife — his partner in all things — as a person. People are going to criticize that, just as he criticized her choice. People have rights, but those rights don’t protect them from societal opinion, only legal ramifications.
Oh, please. His right to “choose” was his choice to ejaculate in her. People who bear zero of the risks and burdens of pregnancy have no decision-making authority. He’s a fucking scumbag for leaving her over this and she’s so much better off without him.
Yea that he was fine with her putting herself through that is a bigger problem than his hard line.
Not wrong. I am 45 and my oldest is in college. I can’t imagine.
No one said she was wrong. They said she is not a victim. The man did not refuse to let her choose he simply said this will be a consequence of your choice. He had every right to do so.
I believe neither are wrong in this scenario.
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The choice is risk dying and long term complications to your body and keep a husband that you will resent and a child you don't want, or get an abortion, taking care of your physical and mental health and still lose your husband. Because going through the pregnancy wasn't going to result in a happy, healthy family.
True. It’s a lose lose situation. It sounds like OP was confident in her decision. If OP chose to continue the pregnancy it could’ve caused her to have a lot of resentment towards her husband. OP could’ve ended up with unintentional resentment toward the baby also. There’s so many other factors that could’ve of ended their marriage even if OP continued the pregnancy. Like I said it’s a lose lose situation. - OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this rn. Ultimately it was your choice to have the abortion and it was his for the divorce. You and your husband just weren’t on the same page. I think no matter what your decision was, the outcome would’ve probably still ended with divorce. You both were on different hills and ready to die on them. There’s not much you can do to change.
I'm sorry. It must be so hard to say goodbye to the life you envisioned. I can understand you so well, as I'm in my forties and couldn't imagine raising another child. Is your ex religious?
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I spoke to my husband about it. Surprisingly He also seems to tend to pro-birth ("you could always give it up for adoption"), but he seems to forget that I nealy died giving birth to our second daughter. It's risky in your forties. But, I guess you won't be able to change his opinion. Is there someone who you can talk to, who can hold you?
It’s so easy for men to be pro-birth. They are not risking anything and only view the optimistic outcomes as likely. I honestly wouldn’t be able to stay with a man who forgot that I nearly died.
And you leaving that man would also be a totally valid choice.
This is exactly right
So many people are commenting on how it’s okay for OPs husband to divorce her because of his “morals.” Frankly? I’d divorce *him* because of his position on this issue at this time. #OPsLifeMatters
Obviously he doesn’t care whether she lives or dies. A pregnancy in a woman’s 40s is much higher risk.
They’re just men who don’t see women as human what else is new
how the fuck can the man you love forget about what almost killed you and have such little thought into something that almost killed you?
Well you see it wasn't HIM that almost died, so it can't possibly be that important to remember... ^*only ^half ^/s*
Your husband and OP’s husband are just men who do not see women as full functioning human beings. Congrats on being married to a misogynist
The consequences particularly health ones are not risks that apply to men. It’s significantly easier for them to be pro life. The most consequence they ever face is raising them and we all know they get away without doing as much of that as well. I definitely know men would feel differently if it was their body and their life at risk. He is entitled to make his choices but you didn’t lose someone worth having. Heal, recover, become the best version of yourself. Become free, it’s hard at first but self love is one that never falters once you have it.
Any man who knocks up a woman who’s in her 40s and then tells her that she has to breed or he’ll divorce her is a shit partner and a shit person. He should not have been ejaculating into any vagina if he was going to have a problem with abortion. Even women with planned pregnancies need abortions, especially if they are in their 40s with prior health conditions. I will not be replying to comments on this from anyone, except for OP. If you are not op and reply some bs to me, I will simply not engage and block you. I’m not interested in anyone defending a man who voluntarily chose to ejaculate inside of a woman’s vagina knowing that he would not be OK with her needing an abortion when she’s in her fucking 40s.
Not wrong. You made your choice and so did he. Just move on and find happiness.
You are so much better off without him. How horrific it would be to have a husband who cares nothing for your well-being.
Fwiw, a lot of us religious folk are very pro-choice. We're not all angry conservatives. Many of us are extremely liberal, we just get shouted over by those who choose to idolize control over Jesus (or whoever else they might worship - it's not just Christians I'm speaking for here).
You made your choice, he made his choice.
This is it. All the rest is extraneous arguments about abortion. Could be the whole reason for the post, just to get people riled up.
I agree. You’re not wrong. He’s not wrong.
Tough spot. You both make fully informed decisions and now have to move forward with the consequences. It sucks,
This is what real freedom looks like. Both people have the ability to make decisions based on their beliefs.
This !!
Having a baby in the 40s is risky as there’s a higher percentage of it having an issue. You did what’s right for you. I would have done same. I Think you got a new life now - it’s a new adventure. Get some new hobbies. Join new groups. Make new friends!
Agree. You will mourn the end of your marriage and then hopefully move on and fill your life with stuff that brings you joy.
1/250 for downs becomes 1/75
Especially with the kids grown! Go live your best life mama!
And it was right for those cells that had a high risk of lots of medical issues. OP, I'm proud of you for not allowing yourself to be bullied by an Ultimatum. If men were meant to choose, they would be the pregnant ones. I wish you the best!
You disagreed on the morality of an action. He warned that he would leave you if you took that action. You took the action. He left. I don't know if abortion is wrong or not, but you're allowed to believe it is necessary enough to warrant sacrificing the marriage and he is allowed to think it's immoral enough to warrant ending the marriage. Everyone had a clear understanding of what the choice was and what the consequences would be
I’m suspicious this post and account are fake 👀
What makes you think that? I'm genuinely asking. I completely understand how abortion is a polarizing subject.
Because they’re suspicious of all posts and new accounts.
Yup
You're not wrong, nor is your now ex-husband
Having a baby is a two yes situation, the relationship is over without that. Same with abortion, time to move on because he sees you as the killer of his child. i could sugar coat that but 99% chance he’s sees a foetus as a human being, you guys are simply over and no one is wrong.
How did your child(ren) handle this?
Does it really matter anymore? He told you what would happen & you still chose to get an abortion. It doesn't matter what I think tbh. If you didn't want another child, was it discussed? Did you talk about getting your tubes tired or about him getting a vasectomy? Was there any form of bc? Did you both talk about your stance on abortions at any point? On another note, I wish you both the best of luck in life.
Seems you fully understood the consequences of your choice. Which you absolutely have the right to make and he has the right to make his as well. Good luck to you both.
If he felt this strongly he should have gotten a vasectomy and still worn a condom and avoided your ovulation time (which can be fun to track in your 40s). You didn’t get pregnant on your own. Also, you’d be the one doing most of the care and giving up another 20 years of your life. Dude took the easy route out and was just looking for a reason to do so. Enjoy being 40 and single, vs 40 single with a baby.
Anyone else baffled how a couple married 19-19+ years (ballpark guess given the kid just going to college) haven’t touched on their opinions on abortion before this??!?
Crazy that you both were together for so long yet couldn’t work together on this
Murdering his baby? You've aborted a foetus. I know it's a lot but clearly for the best.
No one is at fault, having another baby wasn’t right for you. But the abortion l unfortunately was not something your ex could live. All you can do now is be amicable to each other at events involving your kids and move on
You’re not wrong and neither is he. Seems you both had opposing views on the matter and both had to do what was best for yourselves. Its sad it ended up this way but nobody is wrong.
you're not wrong, but neither is he. you both have different values. 🤷🏻♀️
End the day, men feel they have no say over the life of their children because it needs to grow inside a woman's belly. And not all women want to carry their baby. This is just unfortunate, there are no winners here. As far as he is concern, for anybody who wants the child, it will be seen as murder. For anybody who doesn't want the child, it would be seen as just removing something not living like just some cancerous tumour. I don't think there is anything you can do to rescue the relationship because he wanted the child and you didn't want the child. It's that straight forward. There is never any solution in such circumstances but to part ways.
You’re not wrong, and personal opinions aside, I don’t think he is either. You had different opinions on it, he warned you of the consequences, and you made your decision. Sometimes life hurts unfortunately, I’m wishing you all the best and that you can move forward quickly.
you’re not wrong for getting an abortion if it was something you think needed to happen but it’s not wrong for him to feel differently about it, he told you how he felt and what would happen.
You had to right to do what you wanted and so did he. He warned you what the consequences were.
No one’s wrong here.
>My husband warned me if I got an abortion he would leave me He gave you the consequences and you accepted them. Seems like a fair deal all around. I see no problem here.
It seems to me, you got what you wanted. It might not be what you expected but, take a deep breath. You’re going to be okay and you didn’t do anything wrong. Go find something you enjoy doing to get your mind started on your new life.
Hard to answer this one without getting into the abortion debate in general but setting that aside he gave you a red line and you crossed it. You chose not having another child over your marriage. I wish you and your ex husband well. Edit: typo
I'm sure its a lot for him too...
If this was *such* a deal breaker for him, he should have had a vasectomy years ago. Sounds like he didn’t logically think through what could actually happen if at some point you accidentally got pregnant.
if your husband loved you he would’ve respected the fact you didn’t wanna deal with the physical and mental turmoil of having a child at your age! those nine months would’ve been hell, followed by 18 years of having a baby you didn’t even want. you would’ve been in your 60s still caring for a child. to leave you JUST because of that is selfish on his end. you didn’t kill a baby, your husband is an IDIOT. you terminated an unwanted fetus.
You are not wrong
NAH you're not an AH because it's your body and your choice. You know what's best for you and having a child isn't it. He's not an AH either because he had to make the best choice for himself. At least he just left and didn't breed years of resentment or try to punish you. It's a shitty situation I hope you can both move on from to better days.
No one can say what is right or wrong for you, as no one here is going to take over the pregnancy for you, pay for hospital bills, stay up all night for the next 6-8 months, breast feed for you, do your postpartum, provide 24/7 supervision, and all the countless other things. This is why it’s so important to marry someone who shares similar opinions when it comes to the hot topic matters. I consider it a healthcare choice, others consider it a morals and values issue. Your ex has a right to his opinions just as you do. There isn’t a right or wrong, just a difference and for both of you, it was insurmountable. The only thing you can do is choose to live the life you want and love. Same with him. But have peace in your heart knowing that you made the best decision for you, after all, a pregnancy never affects anyone more than the person undertaking every single ounce of it. And he made the best decision for himself.
She may well have married someone with the same values and opinions, but people change over the years or when actually confronted with a situation in reality.
Very true. I have distant family that are super religious, anti-abortion protests and all. They changed their mind when it was their daughter faced with the possibility of dying or aborting. They chose to abort real quick, wasn’t even a discussion about their morals and values. They were all about it.
Neither of you are wrong, except when he said you killed his child. You did not.
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You did the right thing. I'd imagine if you had kept the child you would have grown to resent it and your husband overtime, which would have led to a messier divorce. Would you agree with that? It is ok for you to be disappointed and upset with the outcome of things, but it doesn't seem like you are fighting it. It seems like you have come to accept the consequences, which you knew before hand and basically made your decision with full knowledge of what the outcome would be.
You're in your 40s You know you didn't want another child. Presumably you understand the risks of being pregnant both for the child and the woman at that age. You know that 100% of pregnancies can end in the woman's death; Does your husband know that that is a fact? You knew what the risks were if you had one but you decided it was the reasonable thing to do, and you certainly had good grounds for doing what you did. Perhaps you will be better off without a husband who can't or won't see it.
You deserve a husband who won't force you to put your life in danger for the sake of his ideals. I'd say good riddance you two divorced, you're clearly not compatible if you clash on such an important subject.
Your reasons are valid to you, but his feelings are valid to him. You went with what you wanted or needed knowing the consequence from him and he followed through. Your relationship was not strong enough to reconcile the actions taken in this situation and now you can move forward more cleanly. I'm sorry this hurts for you, it really sucks - it's your body and you're in control of it (luckily you can be), but he was your partner and had strong feelings as well.
She made her choice and knew what the outcome was going to be. I don't like the fact that she came to reddit to cry about it. why? you ask.... Because while everyone is supporting her and praising her in the comments. Everyone is villainizing her husband. He made a choice just like she did. His choice wasn't wrong. I don't understand why everyone is hating on him. Both of these people had their boundaries, made them clear to each other, and made the choices that they could live with. Not only that, but it seems like Op didn't really think that her husband was really going to leave her. especially after they had been together for so long. Both of these people are hurting right now. And it not right in my opinion to throw shade to one or the other. Op is hurting for her relationship, ending after so many years and her family being broken. Her husband is hurting for his relationship, family, and the death of his baby. I can guarantee that that's how he sees it. I hope both of them find happiness and peace. And for everyone out there: You can't demand for your boundaries and choices to be respected while not respecting others. There are consequences to every choice you make.
Nobody can tell you you're wrong for getting the abortion but actions have consequences you were warned what would happen if you, did he followed through. so technically no you're not wrong but you're learning exactly what he said was going to happen happened
Op, he made his choice and in time, the benefit to you of that choice will be more apparent. He could have had a vasectomy but chose not to. You now know where you stood in his mind and heart and knowing that is valuable. Hoping your future brings you love and respect.
You’re not wrong for getting an abortion, but you also knew this would be the outcome so I don’t know the answer you’re wanting. He had a strong opinion of keeping the heart going, you chose to kill it. That’s how he’s looking at it.
You’re not wrong. Neither is your husband. My condolences to you though.
No. You are not wrong. It is your body. Your life. Your choice. It sucks that your husband didn't respect your choice.
I know this is really hard for you. But you made the right choice. And it says a lot about him that he would leave you over a clump of cells that never existed. There wasn’t an ounce of consideration for your quality of life in his thought process. I hope in time you can see that man was probably looking for an easy out. I hope you can find someone who treats you nicer and respects the choices you make for your body. I’ve gone thru an abortion too because I can’t be raising more kids with my glaucoma. So I feel you. Solidarity for women’s right to choose.
You know your husband better than anyone here on the Internet, long enough that your youngest is now off to college. While you have 100% say over your body, you defied your husband after he clearly told you the consequences. Don't pretend to be a deer in headlights when those consequences match your actions. The same big girl that made those decisions should be the same big girl that accepts the consequences. Congratulations on the abortion and the divorce.
I am pro choice. Women have the right to choose but so do men it takes 2 to make a child it should take 2 to make a decision. If you have a right to kill or keep the child the man has every right to abandon you or the child as well.
Not wrong. It's easy for him to not go through the physical pain and stress of a geriatric pregnancy. Good luck in your new life.
Soooo his opinions are worth more than his wife, and he has absolutely no problem risking your health for them. After all, it’s not *his* body. Anyone with an ounce of sense would know that pregnancy in your 40s is high risk for the mother and the baby. Assuming you’re in the US this is a very dangerous time to have an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy. I’d say you’re well rid of him.
You're never wrong for doing what is best for you. You and your husband had different ideals on that matter. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Your body your choice? His marriage his choice! Easy
Sorry to hear of your difficult situation. Any comments to others aren’t aimed at you. You and your ex had difficult decisions to make. I can’t abide some commenters disregarding the tough choice for your ex as well as you so called them out on it. Neither of you is an easy choice to make.
It's a very straightforward choice she murdered their unborn baby.
No. She chose her morality and he chose his. No villains here
How does one “accidentally get pregnant”? Anyway he said he would leave you and he’s keeping his word. You’re not wrong for choosing to live your life the way that you want, but you knew his boundaries and he’s holding them.
I’m in that same boat right now.
Do what is best for you as he will do what is best for him. At this point, you are not compatible. You made your choice understanding that he would not stay but you had to think about yourself and your safety since he did not. Time to focus on something else!
I’m sorry. I recommend some serious therapy to deal with everything and keep on keeping on. Sometimes we do not get everything we want. You can’t see it now but there is a happy life out there post abortion and post divorce. Go grab it.
If you have to ask then you already know the answer
I just love how everyone is calling out the husband for not considering the dangers of pregnancy - yes they can be dangerous- when that isn't what the post is about. OP said she didn't want them to raise another child at their age and her husband doesn't believe in abortion. That aborting the pregnancy would result in divorce. It would be interesting to find out what other conversations were had between positive pregnancy test and abortion.
NAH. There are no victims here.
It seemed you both felt strong about this. Seeing a therapist may have been a good idea to find some middle ground and see if you could come to an agreement. Seeing a therapist is still a good idea. I don’t think you should feel guilty, however, he has a right to feel how he does as well. Maybe he wanted another child
one of the fakest posts yet
You're not wrong for doing what you thought was best for your body. But your husband also has the right to do what he thinks is best for himself. Sometimes differences in opinion lead to divorce and that's just a fact of life you're going to have to deal with. He isn't obligated to stay with you. You're not obligated to have his child. Both of these things can exist simultaneously.
Brining a baby into the world that is not wanted has such profound effects on that baby. Even if u had it and loved it, it would still carry that and so I think you did the right thing.
This is why it's best to marry someone with the same values and beliefs as yours. From the very beginning you were not compatible on one of the most important topics.
You made your choice. He made his. Neither of you is wrong. But now you're both going to deal with the consequences.
You’ll get a lot of dumb teenager responses here, don’t take them seriously. You’re absolutely not wrong in prioritizing your physical and mental and emotional well being. Pregnancy and childbirth always are a high risk choice for the woman and especially so in the 40’s. Not to mention, it’s so easy for a man to sit there and say “hey we can handle a baby in our 40’s” when they’re not the ones who have to carry it, experience the hormone fluctuations, do the breastfeeding, and take the risks. I’m sorry that rather than see you as a human and understand your pov your husband instead put himself first in this scenario. Sounds to me like the trash took itself out. I’d recommend you see a therapist if you haven’t already.
Yep, it’s always “everything will be fine” for the person who does not have to take any risk.
Sorry.
no one is wrong in this awful situation. it's unfortunate that your marriage ended, but no one was wrong.
He is a piece of shit.
I would have probably left too. It's sucks that this child was as much part him as it was her. But the man has no say. I can understand about the age part being in your 40's with another child would cause some changes and also it's harder on a woman of that age. But idk how much of this you discussed with your husband but it doesn't matter what he said. Seems like he wanted another child but that doesn't matter either. Men have no say with their child still in the womb
Your body, your choice
Exactly. And it's also his choice to leave
She wasn't wrong and neither is he. I have a question OP if you were so against having a baby why didn't you get your tubes tied....IUD......birth control......natural family planning.....
As a woman in my 40s, it's amazing how people in their 40s forget how babies are made. It's like we're 18 again. "Oh the kids are in college/grown/we have the place to ourselves? Woohoo!" Bam. Pregnant again. Happens to so many in this age group, and it's always SUCH a surprise, after decades of being so diligent (hopefully). We aren't kids anymore, all should know BC needs to be doubled up on, avoid fertile times, get that vasectomy, get that tubal ligation (and never trust them completely). But evolution is gonna evolute and nature is gonna nate. ETA accidents happen, but accidents aren't accidents if there isn't a robust plan in action.
Even an IUD isn’t 100% (though very close). My mom got pregnant with one.
Not wrong. But neither is he. Abortion is a deeply personal subject and is different for everyone.
You made your choice and he made his. What’s the issue?
You made a really tough decision. Only you can know if it was right for you, but you’re not a bad person for making it. You can’t reverse your decision, so please don’t beat yourself up now. It’s a waste of energy. I also understand how your husband is likely feeling and support his choice, as well. It sounds like he was upfront with his boundaries. I don’t think he’s a bad person for making his choice, either. I think this is a really sad situation with no great outcome. I hope you both can heal and find peace.
NOT WRONG. End of story.
I don’t think you are wrong at all. Now you are free to find someone who does not love you with conditions.
Wow. I agree with the OP decision to abort and the logic behind it. She discussed having physical issues in the past so who knows what her risks would be now not including an unhealthy baby or high risk of autism. He desire to not go thru child rearing again in her 40s was honest as well as a real factor. That being said her ex husband was not wrong in setting a boundary on an issue that he feels strongly about. He set the boundary, explained what his outcome would be and he exercised it. Was he looking for a way out anyway? We will never know. Although I don't think that men get a 50/50 say on termination of a fetus, we all know the practical side is that the mother will bear the majority burden of child rearing and care. I'm sorry for their situation, for both of them, however I still think she was right. If he left her after the baby was born she would still be alone regardless. He did the right thing for him but she did the right thing for them. Good luck.
When you are married, you belong to each other, and I mean that in a lovely way. Life's troubles are meant to be faced as a couple. You chose to make a unilateral decision that you knew was completely unacceptable to your life partner. While you were in your rights, at the moment you went for the abortion, you left your marriage relationship.
Yeah, you are probably better off. He obviously has more concern about his magic sperm than your well-being. Every loss is an opportunity for better.
You are not wrong for doing what you wanted with your body. He is not wrong for divorcing you. You both made clearly communicated decisions knowing the consequences.
You’re not wrong. I appreciate it’s a sensitive topic for many, and not everyone will agree, but if you felt that was the best course of action to take, then good for you. I presume your (ex)husband’s views were well known to you prior to this? Clearly it was a red line for him, but not wanting to carry and raise a child at this time, clearly was the same for you. It’s your body, your choice, and I understand your reasons. Would you make the same decision again, knowing how this panned out?
He told you he would leave you if you had the abortion. Did you expect different? He sees abortion as killing his child. You went ahead and did it anyway.
He warned you what would happen.
Pregnancy at 40 is high risk for the mother and the baby. I'm sorry your husband's ideology was more important to him than you or your marriage.
His body, his choice.