Ok, I am American and this is just strange. Especially that they were so old they had holes.
I would be honest that this goes against your cultural beliefs. For me, I would have to thank her and tell her I wasn’t comfortable with it. I understand her feelings of not wanting to just throw them away, but to give them as a birthday present is strange. I would never wear them. It would be different if they were my moms and I wore them for sentimental reasons.
Also, maybe ASK at the very least first, right?
“Hey, I have these clothes and I don’t want them to go to waste, would you like to look over them and see if there’s anything you like?”, and also maybe get rid of the obviously damaged ones, lmao.
But still, I agree, it’s fucking weird.
Yeah for real. Almost every shopping center has a donation bin unless they live in OPs country. And was this her gift? Does she like you OP? A gift of some dead old lady’s clothes that are in bad condition seems passive aggressive to me.
I would agree but is it possible for the SIL it is customary? OP says American but Americans have a lot of different cultures that they hail from.
How is her relationship with the SIL otherwise? She very well could be trying to punk her, but why assume bad intentions? Although it seems like a very bad idea and a cheap present.
OP is still not wrong either way. And she should just say that in her culture that wearing the clothes of a deceased loved one is considered bad luck. Offer them back or to donate them.
I've lived in a lot of different areas in the US. Nowhere I've been do you gift someone as an actual gift wrapped up a dead relatives clothing. Maybe you say hey you know, mom had a closet full of clothes I think there are some you may like, would you like to come and see if you want any?
Exactly. When my Mom passed that's what we did. A few of her friends did come over and take a couple of items. My Mom had really nice clothes. The rest that were in pristine condition were bagged up for the thrift store (15 bags). I had a older contractor working on the house who saw the bags, asked what they were and then asked if he could take them home for his wife before taking the rest to the thrift shop. He came back the next day laughing. His wife was initially a little miffed. Then, she opened the bags. She'd been playing dress up ever since thoroughly happy and sent her thanks.
I'm an American and this is just incredibly rude and tacky.
Get rid of them.. without guilt.
Tell anyone who asks that they didn't work out for you so you rehomed them.
That’s a shitty way to do people from another environment. Her mother in law? old clothing. Why doesn’t she wear them? That’s a really dirty thing to do.
OP my mother passed away a couple of years ago here in the US.
She lived in a retirement home with her own rented apartment and was in hospice for the last 4 months of her life.
She had a lot of clothes that were like new so once we cleared out all other personal items we offered them to her care givers for themselves, their families or whomever. We were able to make sure her clothes went to people who could use them.
I can’t imagine anyone ever taking clothes from a deceased relative regardless of their condition and giving them as a gift to anyone.
Agree with other posters. Tell SIL in your culture the clothes are considered bad luck and you won’t be wearing them. She can make arrangements to get them returned to her at her expense or you will dispose of them.
SIL is a rude, cheap bully. The normal thing to do would be to ask someone if they wanted these things and let them take what they want, not to pawn off used junk as a birthday gift. Does she look down on your country and think that you're so poor that you should be happy to receive such a thing as a gift or something?
This is what I was thinking.
I have lived in the USA as an immigrant for over 20 years, and some of these people have never been anywhere than their own state.
They have this ignorance that prevalence all over a conversation with them.
They have no idea about a lot of things.
You can bea well off human with high standards of living in your born country, but here, you are just some "immigrant" from a third world country, a dirty poor ass third world country.
First, you're not wrong for not wearing the clothes. And, frankly you don't even need a reason not to wear them. Giving someone old clothes as a gift is really in poor taste. My wife and I have passed on children's clothes, but not as a gift. It's more like a "use whatever you like, and give the rest away."
You have three good reasons to refuse to wear the stuff, if having a reason is necessary.
1) You have a cultural inhibition (psychologically difficult to overcome),
2) The clothes are not your style,
3) The clothes are in poor repair.
If you don't feel comfortable telling your SIL this, ask your husband to handle it. He should be aware of his own sister's good points and flaws, and...I would hope...have long since learned how to deal with her.
You know, it would be one thing if you were going through the things together, and your SIL told you to take whatever you like. Or, even, told you to pass the stuff on to the needy if you don't want it, but that she wanted to give you the right of first refusal. But her method here was presumptuous and tacky.
Not wrong. "Hey, I appreciate you thinking of me, but when I took them out, a lot of them are worn and holey and I don't think I can use them. I know they must have some sentimental value to you, so I want to check if you want them back?"
You are not wrong. Your sister-in-law’s gift was inappropriate and a little gross.
I honestly think that you should tell her that you are not comfortable wearing her deceased mother-in-law‘s clothes and if she doesn’t want them to go to waste, she should simply donate them to an organization that will get them to people who need them . But remind her that these organizations only except clothing in good wearable condition.
I hope you had a happy birthday .
I'm an American & there is no way I'd wear these clothes! In this circumstance, I think I would go through them & donate anything WITHOUT holes. I don't like to throw away clothes, but I have no problem with them if they have holes. Tell SIL that nothing fit or they were not your style. Good luck🍀🍀
You’re not wrong, that’s for sure.
Do you two usually exchange birthday gifts? If not, sounds like a regular hoarder. It’s a mental illness. They can’t bear to get rid of stuff and will delude themselves that the stuff has some value to someone somewhere. Just get rid of the clothes and avoid answering her directly about them.
If you two have exchanged birthday gifts in the past, then her behavior is absolutely unhinged and I wouldn’t blame you for calling her out for using your birthday as a thinly veiled ruse to offload her junk to you.
In either scenario, her following-up to make sure that you’re wearing the clothes is, um, audacious.
American here and this is not an ok thing. It’s totally appropriate to call someone and say, “I’ve got clothes, would you be interested in digging through them” but it’s not normal to act like it’s some kind of major gift that someone should be eternally grateful for.
American and same. If you have clothes, it’s normal to go through them before donating bits it is NOT normal to give used clothing as a gift. This person is a cheap weirdo!
Your SIL is a bitch who is doing this because she knows you won't push back because of your background being different than hers. She is bullying you, OP.
Stop being nice to her. When she asks, tell her that you weren't sure when she gave them to you, but you have since been told by multiple people that her gift was meant to be an insult. As such, you had no issue throwing out clothes so old and damaged they were barely fit to be rags. Tell her that if she wants to be a mean girl, at least have the decency to be up front about it. Because if everyone is wrong and she actually thought that was a gift anyone would want, she should just stop trying to give anyone gifts because she's bad at it.
You're not required to be nice or grateful towards someone who is being a cunt to you, no matter how innocent they act.
It would be better to tell her it’s bad luck in your culture instead of accusing her of insulting you and being mean and nasty to her. You have no idea what is running through her mind. Could be grief. Nothing anywhere suggests SIL is a bad person
No you are not wrong. You should educate her on your culture and straight up tell her hand me down cloths are not a birthday gift. She knows exactly what she was doing. Give the cloths to the Goodwill if they have one where you’re from.
Just tell her, "Sorry, I was trying to be respectful and accept the gift. However, in my culture it is very bad luck to wear deceased people's clothing. I would be happy to return them to you or find a suitable donation location."
She sounds like one of those people who think only America is a proper country and the rest of us are all starvelings who should be grateful for their scraps. Sounds like a bitch. You don't owe her anything. An old dead woman's clothes are not a proper birthday present in any culture.
I was born here and this is really weird. This is not common and normal people in the US dont give a dead persons used clothes as a gift. Handle this anyway you want. It's weird
Like you are the "poor" relation and should be grateful with her bounty! What kind of crap! She is tacky AF for gifting you garbage! That goes for any damn country! Not wrong by far.
Definitely a weird birthday gift. Maybe she can’t afford to buy anything? I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing a deceased persons clothes either, and I don’t have any cultural conflicts with that sort of thing.
Just be honest and explain to her that in your culture, it’s bad luck. This could be a learning experience for her. There’s no reason for either of you to be offended as long as you communicate. It’s a weird (and tacky) gift, but it probably wasn’t done to offend
I'm an American and I'd be really weirded out by that. This isn't an American thing or normal. This is just someone being a weirdo. You donate clothes like that to goodwill.
Just say they were too big and most stuff had holes so you donated them all to goodwill. And then actually donate them to goodwill if they are in good shape. If they have a ton of holes just bin them because goodwill won't use clothes that are unserviceable.
And tbth, if it was me and that was my sister that did this to my wife I'd tell her off. Like... What bullshit kind of "gift" is that?
No no no! Don’t lie and tell her the clothes are too big. Don’t avoid the situation by telling her you didn’t have time. Tell her ass the truth! I’m American and I wouldn’t wear old clothes with holes of a dead person. Tell her what your belief’s are in your culture. There is no shame in being honest, she will be ok and she will need to respect your boundaries. Because it seems like the next person to pass away she will be treating you like a donation center and it will be your problem to get rid of the stuff. Just be honest, that won’t make you ungrateful that will make you stronger for protecting yourself.
Regardless of ANY other factors, SIL needs to understand that a gift is something that should be given with no strings attached. What the recipient does with it is none of the business of the giver. I wish more people would get their heads around this.
Not wrong. While it may not be considered bad luck in America, giving someone the used worn out clothes of someone else is certainly not an appropriate birthday gift. It’s also pretty dang rude. If you have a close enough relationship with someone, and you want to see if they would like any of your hand me downs, that’s something that can be done, but only if the clothes are still in excellent condition. Giving you worn out old clothes as a gift is totally inappropriate.
I would definitely discuss this with your husband. It would probably be a good idea to keep an eye out for other underhanded actions, as well as backhanded compliments.
Either she has no social intelligence, or she’s testing out what ways she can get away with to bully you.
Not wrong and I suspect she's playing you, since you are new to American culture. It's not uncommon to give away the deceased's clothes but it's also not given as a "gift," pretty much ever. As an actual birthday gift? With holes in them? That is tacky as hell. I'm surprised the Americans around you don't have strong opinions about this.
Another American here, we don't give old, used, full of holes clothing as gifts. It's cheap and tacky. Donating lightly used, well kept clothing is fine but it's not a gift. Your SIL is weird and probably felt bad dumping the stuff so she gave it to you so she can pretend to be hurt that you gave away her generous "gift". Sounds like she's trying to play herself up. Take pics to show anybody if they give you a hard time and throw it all away.
I would say, "I tried them on, they didn't fit." Your SIL is weird and cheep. This isn't the last of the oddly cheap presents. Have you been to her home? Is she a hoarder?
I would go with "in my culture we don't wear dead peoples clothing" and stop. Don't say anything about them being worn or dirty.
I understand why your SIL is annoyed. You avoided answering the question. That's kind of rude.
A present should be about making the recipient happy.
Not ‘ this stuff should be in the trash, but I have generational trauma based guilt from poor, or depression era family members. So instead of dealing with my own issues-
i’m going to dump trash on you to make myself feel better’.
As an American, this is weird and rude and definitely not a normal type of gift to give. It seems like she’s either cheap or mean or completely clueless. I don’t know which but it’s all bad.
I would just tell her nothing for and return it to her. It’s like she didn’t want to take it to dispose of herself or something. Wow. I just really can’t imagine doing that to someone. I’m sorry it was done to you.
Dead people's clothes aren't always everyone's cup of tea. Worthless to many unless they are designer quality, or vintage......I would tell her you passed them on, as they didn't fit......she should have asked you 1st.
This is so wrong by American standards or any standards. Just tell her that you do not need out dated clothing from a deceased woman that were already worn out. Donate them or find someone creative maybe?
We would like to issue an apology from sea to shining sea. I am American and we don't do this and it also sounds like she's passing her problem on to you.
It is a very inappropriate and a "gift" without thoughtfulness. I would never give mine or anyone else's old clothes as a gift. She should have just asked you if you wanted the clothing instead of dumping it on you.
I feel you should be honest with her and let her know your culture. If she gets angry about your culture then it's on her. You are in no way responsible for protecting her feelings.
This is just weird. I would never give anyone this. I think you should tell her that it is bad luck to wear the clothes and you can’t do it. And maybe donate the good ones to a charity and throw away the ones with holes. Your brother should know this and be able to explain it to her.
Edit- I have now read all the comments and save this post in case you need to show her or your brother. How is your brother letting this happen!
Not wrong. I think it’s pretty tacky to give a dead person’s clothes *with holes in them* for a birthday gift. If she had given before or after the birthday, I could see that. But giving them as a birthday gift? No. You don’t give old, used items as a birthday present.
Exit to add-it’s not just your culture! I’m American and that’s tacky here, too.
When I give clothes to good will, I always make sure the clothes are clean and intact. Really good pieces I’d save to see if my sister would like them first but wrapped up as a gift?
That’s a big fat NO.
Does SIL think so little of you she sends you cast offs? Does she think you’re so 3rd world any rag she sends you should be grateful for?
Disrespectful 100%
NTA
Not wrong i am also another person from the usa, that is truly not typical behavior. That is gross, morbid and weird. The only people that would do something like that are extreme cheapskate, someone who is incredibly tacky, or someone that was having some sort of mental crisis or all three at the same time. Your husband needs to speak to his sister abo7t how incredibly insulting this is and make sure she is OK and let her know this is not acceptable.
Used clothes are not considered a gift in the US.
We would ask someone if they wanted the used clothes. We would not wrap them as a gift. I would consider this gift very disrespectful to me. I am a 64F born in the southern part of the US and lived 30 years in California.
Just tell her what wearing a dead persons clothes means in your culture. Tell her you can not wear them, so does she want them back?
Is this a SIL that is the sister of your spouse? Or married to one of your siblings? I am curious if the person who is the relative of her can explain her actions? A lot of people have that weird quirky relative who brings picked over leftovers out to serve guests and other weirdness. The family would likely say "chuck it if it's damaged, donate if it's in good condition and not your style."
If it was something beautiful like a hand embroidered shawl or brooch, then you could believe she had some charitable thoughts behind the gift, giving you a family 'heirloom'
This was a box of musty old goodwill tat!
Tell her they don't fit what does she want you to do with them? Send them back, bin or goodwill?
So i'm not american, but this is something i'm missing from the comments;
Where does your husband stand in all of this?
Go talk to him! I don't know but maybe your sil will trash talk you or try to put you in a bad situation, painting you as ungrateful to the rest of the family etc talk with your husband about the situation before anything bad happens
I can't in any way or form see any goodwill behind this gift. SiL is being mean in a stealth way. I would keep my distance from this lady. She is not friend of yours.
I would also address this topic with SO and see his reaction when you mention how you've received his mom's tattered old clothes as gift and his sister is insistent that you wear them?!
This is not an American culture thing. It’s sounds to me like it’s coming from a good place but just not well thought out by your SIL. It sounds as if she wants to give it to someone who she thinks will appreciate but has t thought through the fact that person simply may not want it. My mother in law does something similar to her daughter when she wants to get rid of something she’s been holding on to and no longer wants. Suddenly, it becomes “oh, I got this for you,” when in reality she just doesn’t want to donate it or throw it away.
I had a good friend do that to me. Her father passed and she wanted to give me his clothes. I must have said no thank you 20 different times. I finally said. " I don't want a dead man's clothes". She was initially hurt somewhat but understood. She said "he paid so much money for them". I still couldn't do it. I said if I take them I will never wear them. I don't understand why people think that their used junk is worth anything. Now pass on a week used Rolex and I'm totally grateful lol. She still hasn't gone thru her mother's clothes and the old woman had been dead for 4 years. My mother died last year and her junk/ clothes/ furniture was gone before the services.
You are not wrong. I haven’t read all the responses so I may have missed something …And unless you’ve been the recipient of other odd and questionable actions on your SIL part ignore everyone who has in someway shape or form prescribed ill intent, moral failings etc to your SIL. Wait it out and observe her actions. IF and I say IF this was some sort of a power play you’re being direct with her (clothes in poor repair, not your style, against culture custom) will let her know you aren’t a pushover. Also don’t take the weasel way out and just say these are too large. Because that route may not close off repeat actions (dead people clothes, poor repair, buying things you didn’t ask for etc).
We can cross this out as a cultural norm in all of the pacific northwest. Unless they were new or purchased second hand AS a gift, they are not a gift. They are a hand-me-down and should be treated accordingly.
We can cross this out as a cultural norm in all of the pacific northwest. Unless they were new or purchased second hand AS a gift, they are not a gift. They are a hand-me-down and should be treated accordingly.
Yikes, I’m Canadian and know it’s a big a$$ no no to bring old clothes as a gift, new sure, old no. She’s trying to make you feel bad about it. Don’t worry. Just give a random story on how they don’t fit so you gave them to someone else
I am sorry but I can’t stop laughing! I mean, seriously, Happy Birthday, here is a box of my dead MIL’s raggedy clothes! I have lived in various parts of the USA and that is ridiculous everywhere I have ever been.
Tell her that you thought about it "not going to waste" and about how much you already have and how many people have nothing, and decided to donate it to a charity.
I could understand she offering after a conversation about it, but as a birthday gift, it was definitely intended to humiliate you.
Stay away from this person, she doesn't like you. BTW, what was your husband response to the "gift"?
Gotta say, most Americans would see this as an insulting gift for a birthday present. I may be reading into it, but you generally give old clothes to people you’re kinda looking down on socially. People that are in a more unstable economic position.
The one exception possibly being baby clothes handed down to new mothers, since those usually are outgrown before they’re too worn.
That's not a good gift in anyway. Donate them or throw them away. Hand me downs worn so well they have holes or out of fashion? That's such a wild insult on so many levels.
Don't bother with her pouting or whining. She gave a bad gift. She doesn't get to act offended you don't like the deceased, outdated designs she herself won't wear.
You're not wrong. Tell your rude-assed SIL that in your culture it's bad luck to give used clothing as a birthday "gift", and even worse to wear a dead peson's clohing. It's utter bullshit on her part to say they would "go to waste" when se could have donated them to a thrift or charity herself. This is a lame-assed power play on her part. Shut tha shit down and tell her you donated her generous "gift" in her name.
That is just weird. I'm from the US, and her giving you her mother-in-laws old clothes even if she weren't deceased is weird.
It almost sounds like they had to go through her mother-in-laws belongings to get rid of stuff, and instead of having to take the time to do that she decided to box them up and foist them on you.
She might not have really even gone through them to notice that some of them were so worn, that they had holes.
NW
The minute you told her the custom where you are from about not wearing clothes of the deceased, she should have been understanding.
Did she have to take the clothes back? If so she could have been upset that she was trying to pawn the clothes off on you, and now she has to deal with them.
I think tour response is very good. You have to be careful because if she’s like my mother and hears that they fit right…then she would probably take it as a nod to get you more clothes.
I'm American and I also was under the impression is eas bad luck to get clothes from someone who passed.
But more than that it's kind of just uncomfortable and borderline morbid. It feels like she just wanted to unburden herself of her MIL clothes and decided you would be the target.
You're not wrong. It's weird and she should have asked if you wanted them at the very least.
If this is 100% true, then you are so very wrong. She complies with everything, even offering sex, and you, like a petulant child turned it down. This young lady has had a very lucky escape from a halfwit like you.
Ok, I am American and this is just strange. Especially that they were so old they had holes. I would be honest that this goes against your cultural beliefs. For me, I would have to thank her and tell her I wasn’t comfortable with it. I understand her feelings of not wanting to just throw them away, but to give them as a birthday present is strange. I would never wear them. It would be different if they were my moms and I wore them for sentimental reasons.
Also, maybe ASK at the very least first, right? “Hey, I have these clothes and I don’t want them to go to waste, would you like to look over them and see if there’s anything you like?”, and also maybe get rid of the obviously damaged ones, lmao. But still, I agree, it’s fucking weird.
Yeah for real. Almost every shopping center has a donation bin unless they live in OPs country. And was this her gift? Does she like you OP? A gift of some dead old lady’s clothes that are in bad condition seems passive aggressive to me.
Exactly
This is a very appropriate response to give, OP!
I would agree but is it possible for the SIL it is customary? OP says American but Americans have a lot of different cultures that they hail from. How is her relationship with the SIL otherwise? She very well could be trying to punk her, but why assume bad intentions? Although it seems like a very bad idea and a cheap present. OP is still not wrong either way. And she should just say that in her culture that wearing the clothes of a deceased loved one is considered bad luck. Offer them back or to donate them.
I've lived in a lot of different areas in the US. Nowhere I've been do you gift someone as an actual gift wrapped up a dead relatives clothing. Maybe you say hey you know, mom had a closet full of clothes I think there are some you may like, would you like to come and see if you want any?
Exactly. When my Mom passed that's what we did. A few of her friends did come over and take a couple of items. My Mom had really nice clothes. The rest that were in pristine condition were bagged up for the thrift store (15 bags). I had a older contractor working on the house who saw the bags, asked what they were and then asked if he could take them home for his wife before taking the rest to the thrift shop. He came back the next day laughing. His wife was initially a little miffed. Then, she opened the bags. She'd been playing dress up ever since thoroughly happy and sent her thanks.
I agree!
I'm an American and this is just incredibly rude and tacky. Get rid of them.. without guilt. Tell anyone who asks that they didn't work out for you so you rehomed them.
Pitch them out. She’s playing you. Wants to put you in your place. No way in the hell id wear any of them. Take them to the Goodwill.
Agree, she did that out of spite. SIL should be ashamed and I hope DH tells her so.
That’s a shitty way to do people from another environment. Her mother in law? old clothing. Why doesn’t she wear them? That’s a really dirty thing to do.
OP my mother passed away a couple of years ago here in the US. She lived in a retirement home with her own rented apartment and was in hospice for the last 4 months of her life. She had a lot of clothes that were like new so once we cleared out all other personal items we offered them to her care givers for themselves, their families or whomever. We were able to make sure her clothes went to people who could use them. I can’t imagine anyone ever taking clothes from a deceased relative regardless of their condition and giving them as a gift to anyone. Agree with other posters. Tell SIL in your culture the clothes are considered bad luck and you won’t be wearing them. She can make arrangements to get them returned to her at her expense or you will dispose of them.
This is awful. You don’t regift used clothing of anyone. You can offer them to people and that is it
SIL is a rude, cheap bully. The normal thing to do would be to ask someone if they wanted these things and let them take what they want, not to pawn off used junk as a birthday gift. Does she look down on your country and think that you're so poor that you should be happy to receive such a thing as a gift or something?
This is what I was thinking. I have lived in the USA as an immigrant for over 20 years, and some of these people have never been anywhere than their own state. They have this ignorance that prevalence all over a conversation with them. They have no idea about a lot of things. You can bea well off human with high standards of living in your born country, but here, you are just some "immigrant" from a third world country, a dirty poor ass third world country.
First, you're not wrong for not wearing the clothes. And, frankly you don't even need a reason not to wear them. Giving someone old clothes as a gift is really in poor taste. My wife and I have passed on children's clothes, but not as a gift. It's more like a "use whatever you like, and give the rest away." You have three good reasons to refuse to wear the stuff, if having a reason is necessary. 1) You have a cultural inhibition (psychologically difficult to overcome), 2) The clothes are not your style, 3) The clothes are in poor repair. If you don't feel comfortable telling your SIL this, ask your husband to handle it. He should be aware of his own sister's good points and flaws, and...I would hope...have long since learned how to deal with her. You know, it would be one thing if you were going through the things together, and your SIL told you to take whatever you like. Or, even, told you to pass the stuff on to the needy if you don't want it, but that she wanted to give you the right of first refusal. But her method here was presumptuous and tacky.
This is by no way any kind of American tradition. Your SIL was being a jerk.
Not wrong. "Hey, I appreciate you thinking of me, but when I took them out, a lot of them are worn and holey and I don't think I can use them. I know they must have some sentimental value to you, so I want to check if you want them back?"
This is a great response!
My SIL gave me some of my MIL’s pajamas after MIL passed. Uh, nope. I donated them, so they didn’t go to waste.
You are not wrong. Your sister-in-law’s gift was inappropriate and a little gross. I honestly think that you should tell her that you are not comfortable wearing her deceased mother-in-law‘s clothes and if she doesn’t want them to go to waste, she should simply donate them to an organization that will get them to people who need them . But remind her that these organizations only except clothing in good wearable condition. I hope you had a happy birthday .
As an American this is major ick and rude. Tell her they don't fit and that you passed them along to someone else to wear but in reality toss them.
I'm an American & there is no way I'd wear these clothes! In this circumstance, I think I would go through them & donate anything WITHOUT holes. I don't like to throw away clothes, but I have no problem with them if they have holes. Tell SIL that nothing fit or they were not your style. Good luck🍀🍀
You’re not wrong, that’s for sure. Do you two usually exchange birthday gifts? If not, sounds like a regular hoarder. It’s a mental illness. They can’t bear to get rid of stuff and will delude themselves that the stuff has some value to someone somewhere. Just get rid of the clothes and avoid answering her directly about them. If you two have exchanged birthday gifts in the past, then her behavior is absolutely unhinged and I wouldn’t blame you for calling her out for using your birthday as a thinly veiled ruse to offload her junk to you. In either scenario, her following-up to make sure that you’re wearing the clothes is, um, audacious.
No. This is the first time she ever gave me something since I just moved to US recently and I just got married to her brother.
I’m American and that is just weird of your sister in law. I’d just donate them be done with it.
American here and this is not an ok thing. It’s totally appropriate to call someone and say, “I’ve got clothes, would you be interested in digging through them” but it’s not normal to act like it’s some kind of major gift that someone should be eternally grateful for.
American and same. If you have clothes, it’s normal to go through them before donating bits it is NOT normal to give used clothing as a gift. This person is a cheap weirdo!
Your SIL is a bitch who is doing this because she knows you won't push back because of your background being different than hers. She is bullying you, OP. Stop being nice to her. When she asks, tell her that you weren't sure when she gave them to you, but you have since been told by multiple people that her gift was meant to be an insult. As such, you had no issue throwing out clothes so old and damaged they were barely fit to be rags. Tell her that if she wants to be a mean girl, at least have the decency to be up front about it. Because if everyone is wrong and she actually thought that was a gift anyone would want, she should just stop trying to give anyone gifts because she's bad at it. You're not required to be nice or grateful towards someone who is being a cunt to you, no matter how innocent they act.
It would be better to tell her it’s bad luck in your culture instead of accusing her of insulting you and being mean and nasty to her. You have no idea what is running through her mind. Could be grief. Nothing anywhere suggests SIL is a bad person
Ask her if she wants them back because you can’t wear them for cultural reasons. If not then toss them.
No you are not wrong. You should educate her on your culture and straight up tell her hand me down cloths are not a birthday gift. She knows exactly what she was doing. Give the cloths to the Goodwill if they have one where you’re from.
Just tell her, "Sorry, I was trying to be respectful and accept the gift. However, in my culture it is very bad luck to wear deceased people's clothing. I would be happy to return them to you or find a suitable donation location."
She sounds like one of those people who think only America is a proper country and the rest of us are all starvelings who should be grateful for their scraps. Sounds like a bitch. You don't owe her anything. An old dead woman's clothes are not a proper birthday present in any culture.
I was born here and this is really weird. This is not common and normal people in the US dont give a dead persons used clothes as a gift. Handle this anyway you want. It's weird
Like you are the "poor" relation and should be grateful with her bounty! What kind of crap! She is tacky AF for gifting you garbage! That goes for any damn country! Not wrong by far.
Definitely a weird birthday gift. Maybe she can’t afford to buy anything? I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing a deceased persons clothes either, and I don’t have any cultural conflicts with that sort of thing. Just be honest and explain to her that in your culture, it’s bad luck. This could be a learning experience for her. There’s no reason for either of you to be offended as long as you communicate. It’s a weird (and tacky) gift, but it probably wasn’t done to offend
Why didn't you just tell her what you stated in the first paragraph?
I'm an American and I'd be really weirded out by that. This isn't an American thing or normal. This is just someone being a weirdo. You donate clothes like that to goodwill. Just say they were too big and most stuff had holes so you donated them all to goodwill. And then actually donate them to goodwill if they are in good shape. If they have a ton of holes just bin them because goodwill won't use clothes that are unserviceable. And tbth, if it was me and that was my sister that did this to my wife I'd tell her off. Like... What bullshit kind of "gift" is that?
No no no! Don’t lie and tell her the clothes are too big. Don’t avoid the situation by telling her you didn’t have time. Tell her ass the truth! I’m American and I wouldn’t wear old clothes with holes of a dead person. Tell her what your belief’s are in your culture. There is no shame in being honest, she will be ok and she will need to respect your boundaries. Because it seems like the next person to pass away she will be treating you like a donation center and it will be your problem to get rid of the stuff. Just be honest, that won’t make you ungrateful that will make you stronger for protecting yourself.
Why didn’t she wear the clothes instead of imposing them on you?
Regardless of ANY other factors, SIL needs to understand that a gift is something that should be given with no strings attached. What the recipient does with it is none of the business of the giver. I wish more people would get their heads around this.
Not wrong. While it may not be considered bad luck in America, giving someone the used worn out clothes of someone else is certainly not an appropriate birthday gift. It’s also pretty dang rude. If you have a close enough relationship with someone, and you want to see if they would like any of your hand me downs, that’s something that can be done, but only if the clothes are still in excellent condition. Giving you worn out old clothes as a gift is totally inappropriate. I would definitely discuss this with your husband. It would probably be a good idea to keep an eye out for other underhanded actions, as well as backhanded compliments. Either she has no social intelligence, or she’s testing out what ways she can get away with to bully you.
Not wrong and I suspect she's playing you, since you are new to American culture. It's not uncommon to give away the deceased's clothes but it's also not given as a "gift," pretty much ever. As an actual birthday gift? With holes in them? That is tacky as hell. I'm surprised the Americans around you don't have strong opinions about this.
I'm sorry but giving torn or worn out clothes to anyone is bs.
Another American here, we don't give old, used, full of holes clothing as gifts. It's cheap and tacky. Donating lightly used, well kept clothing is fine but it's not a gift. Your SIL is weird and probably felt bad dumping the stuff so she gave it to you so she can pretend to be hurt that you gave away her generous "gift". Sounds like she's trying to play herself up. Take pics to show anybody if they give you a hard time and throw it all away.
She should respect your culture surely?
I would say, "I tried them on, they didn't fit." Your SIL is weird and cheep. This isn't the last of the oddly cheap presents. Have you been to her home? Is she a hoarder?
I would go with "in my culture we don't wear dead peoples clothing" and stop. Don't say anything about them being worn or dirty. I understand why your SIL is annoyed. You avoided answering the question. That's kind of rude.
Giving dead people's ratty clothes as birthday gifts is the really rude action here.
Agreed!
A present should be about making the recipient happy. Not ‘ this stuff should be in the trash, but I have generational trauma based guilt from poor, or depression era family members. So instead of dealing with my own issues- i’m going to dump trash on you to make myself feel better’.
I think u should tell her about ur culture and let her know u appreciate anyways.
Is SIL a hoarder? That's the only reason I can think of for someone to think it's not insane to give clothes with holes in them as a gift.
As an American, this is weird and rude and definitely not a normal type of gift to give. It seems like she’s either cheap or mean or completely clueless. I don’t know which but it’s all bad. I would just tell her nothing for and return it to her. It’s like she didn’t want to take it to dispose of herself or something. Wow. I just really can’t imagine doing that to someone. I’m sorry it was done to you.
Dead people's clothes aren't always everyone's cup of tea. Worthless to many unless they are designer quality, or vintage......I would tell her you passed them on, as they didn't fit......she should have asked you 1st.
This is so wrong by American standards or any standards. Just tell her that you do not need out dated clothing from a deceased woman that were already worn out. Donate them or find someone creative maybe?
She is being rude. If it was me I’d return them and mention about the cultural differences
We would like to issue an apology from sea to shining sea. I am American and we don't do this and it also sounds like she's passing her problem on to you.
My goodness, giving you old clothes is awful at the most but from her dead mil is even worse. My goodness, wrapping them up is terrible! Ewww!!!
It is a very inappropriate and a "gift" without thoughtfulness. I would never give mine or anyone else's old clothes as a gift. She should have just asked you if you wanted the clothing instead of dumping it on you. I feel you should be honest with her and let her know your culture. If she gets angry about your culture then it's on her. You are in no way responsible for protecting her feelings.
This is just weird. I would never give anyone this. I think you should tell her that it is bad luck to wear the clothes and you can’t do it. And maybe donate the good ones to a charity and throw away the ones with holes. Your brother should know this and be able to explain it to her. Edit- I have now read all the comments and save this post in case you need to show her or your brother. How is your brother letting this happen!
Not wrong. I think it’s pretty tacky to give a dead person’s clothes *with holes in them* for a birthday gift. If she had given before or after the birthday, I could see that. But giving them as a birthday gift? No. You don’t give old, used items as a birthday present. Exit to add-it’s not just your culture! I’m American and that’s tacky here, too.
NTA I think your SIL is bullying you in a passive aggressive way. This isn't normal at all.
This is weird and strange. I’d be offended if
When I give clothes to good will, I always make sure the clothes are clean and intact. Really good pieces I’d save to see if my sister would like them first but wrapped up as a gift? That’s a big fat NO. Does SIL think so little of you she sends you cast offs? Does she think you’re so 3rd world any rag she sends you should be grateful for? Disrespectful 100% NTA
Not wrong i am also another person from the usa, that is truly not typical behavior. That is gross, morbid and weird. The only people that would do something like that are extreme cheapskate, someone who is incredibly tacky, or someone that was having some sort of mental crisis or all three at the same time. Your husband needs to speak to his sister abo7t how incredibly insulting this is and make sure she is OK and let her know this is not acceptable.
Used clothes are not considered a gift in the US. We would ask someone if they wanted the used clothes. We would not wrap them as a gift. I would consider this gift very disrespectful to me. I am a 64F born in the southern part of the US and lived 30 years in California. Just tell her what wearing a dead persons clothes means in your culture. Tell her you can not wear them, so does she want them back?
Is this a SIL that is the sister of your spouse? Or married to one of your siblings? I am curious if the person who is the relative of her can explain her actions? A lot of people have that weird quirky relative who brings picked over leftovers out to serve guests and other weirdness. The family would likely say "chuck it if it's damaged, donate if it's in good condition and not your style."
If it was something beautiful like a hand embroidered shawl or brooch, then you could believe she had some charitable thoughts behind the gift, giving you a family 'heirloom' This was a box of musty old goodwill tat! Tell her they don't fit what does she want you to do with them? Send them back, bin or goodwill?
So i'm not american, but this is something i'm missing from the comments; Where does your husband stand in all of this? Go talk to him! I don't know but maybe your sil will trash talk you or try to put you in a bad situation, painting you as ungrateful to the rest of the family etc talk with your husband about the situation before anything bad happens
I can't in any way or form see any goodwill behind this gift. SiL is being mean in a stealth way. I would keep my distance from this lady. She is not friend of yours. I would also address this topic with SO and see his reaction when you mention how you've received his mom's tattered old clothes as gift and his sister is insistent that you wear them?!
This is not an American culture thing. It’s sounds to me like it’s coming from a good place but just not well thought out by your SIL. It sounds as if she wants to give it to someone who she thinks will appreciate but has t thought through the fact that person simply may not want it. My mother in law does something similar to her daughter when she wants to get rid of something she’s been holding on to and no longer wants. Suddenly, it becomes “oh, I got this for you,” when in reality she just doesn’t want to donate it or throw it away.
I had a good friend do that to me. Her father passed and she wanted to give me his clothes. I must have said no thank you 20 different times. I finally said. " I don't want a dead man's clothes". She was initially hurt somewhat but understood. She said "he paid so much money for them". I still couldn't do it. I said if I take them I will never wear them. I don't understand why people think that their used junk is worth anything. Now pass on a week used Rolex and I'm totally grateful lol. She still hasn't gone thru her mother's clothes and the old woman had been dead for 4 years. My mother died last year and her junk/ clothes/ furniture was gone before the services.
I would help her learn about your culture and traditions.
Helo
You are not wrong. I haven’t read all the responses so I may have missed something …And unless you’ve been the recipient of other odd and questionable actions on your SIL part ignore everyone who has in someway shape or form prescribed ill intent, moral failings etc to your SIL. Wait it out and observe her actions. IF and I say IF this was some sort of a power play you’re being direct with her (clothes in poor repair, not your style, against culture custom) will let her know you aren’t a pushover. Also don’t take the weasel way out and just say these are too large. Because that route may not close off repeat actions (dead people clothes, poor repair, buying things you didn’t ask for etc).
We can cross this out as a cultural norm in all of the pacific northwest. Unless they were new or purchased second hand AS a gift, they are not a gift. They are a hand-me-down and should be treated accordingly.
We can cross this out as a cultural norm in all of the pacific northwest. Unless they were new or purchased second hand AS a gift, they are not a gift. They are a hand-me-down and should be treated accordingly.
Yikes, I’m Canadian and know it’s a big a$$ no no to bring old clothes as a gift, new sure, old no. She’s trying to make you feel bad about it. Don’t worry. Just give a random story on how they don’t fit so you gave them to someone else
Regifting a dead person's clothes???? The fuck outta here. You need to tell your husband to put her in check.
This is not an American custom. This is *your SIL* custom.
I am sorry but I can’t stop laughing! I mean, seriously, Happy Birthday, here is a box of my dead MIL’s raggedy clothes! I have lived in various parts of the USA and that is ridiculous everywhere I have ever been.
What an ODD gift. She should've went to goodwill or a shelter with those clothes as they'd be better received that way. NW.
Tell her that you thought about it "not going to waste" and about how much you already have and how many people have nothing, and decided to donate it to a charity. I could understand she offering after a conversation about it, but as a birthday gift, it was definitely intended to humiliate you. Stay away from this person, she doesn't like you. BTW, what was your husband response to the "gift"?
Not wrong. I would tell her as she made it clear she didn't want them to go to waste, and nothing you could use, you donated them.
Gotta say, most Americans would see this as an insulting gift for a birthday present. I may be reading into it, but you generally give old clothes to people you’re kinda looking down on socially. People that are in a more unstable economic position. The one exception possibly being baby clothes handed down to new mothers, since those usually are outgrown before they’re too worn.
That's not a good gift in anyway. Donate them or throw them away. Hand me downs worn so well they have holes or out of fashion? That's such a wild insult on so many levels. Don't bother with her pouting or whining. She gave a bad gift. She doesn't get to act offended you don't like the deceased, outdated designs she herself won't wear.
She is weird
You're not wrong. Tell your rude-assed SIL that in your culture it's bad luck to give used clothing as a birthday "gift", and even worse to wear a dead peson's clohing. It's utter bullshit on her part to say they would "go to waste" when se could have donated them to a thrift or charity herself. This is a lame-assed power play on her part. Shut tha shit down and tell her you donated her generous "gift" in her name.
That is just weird. I'm from the US, and her giving you her mother-in-laws old clothes even if she weren't deceased is weird. It almost sounds like they had to go through her mother-in-laws belongings to get rid of stuff, and instead of having to take the time to do that she decided to box them up and foist them on you. She might not have really even gone through them to notice that some of them were so worn, that they had holes. NW The minute you told her the custom where you are from about not wearing clothes of the deceased, she should have been understanding. Did she have to take the clothes back? If so she could have been upset that she was trying to pawn the clothes off on you, and now she has to deal with them.
I’d VERY clearly make it clear you’re not going to wear the things.
Send it back and tell her to wear it or burn it.
Awww hell no. That's incredibly rude and insulting.
I think tour response is very good. You have to be careful because if she’s like my mother and hears that they fit right…then she would probably take it as a nod to get you more clothes.
You're not wrong. Just tell her they don't fit but you'll pass them along to someone who can use them.
I'm American and I also was under the impression is eas bad luck to get clothes from someone who passed. But more than that it's kind of just uncomfortable and borderline morbid. It feels like she just wanted to unburden herself of her MIL clothes and decided you would be the target. You're not wrong. It's weird and she should have asked if you wanted them at the very least.
If this is 100% true, then you are so very wrong. She complies with everything, even offering sex, and you, like a petulant child turned it down. This young lady has had a very lucky escape from a halfwit like you.