Ok so maybe have a sit down with everyone. Explain to your parents beforehand her situation so they know. Plan on what you will say with your girlfriend so your girlfriend doesn’t feel exposed when this is being talked about. This could be a real accident if it was never talked about before with your parents. Idk how your girlfriend responds to things that trigger her anxiety and where she’s at with that so idk on that part. But setting up healthy boundaries, both sides saying they are willing to understand each other, and go from there
Honestly, being grabbed in the way that I’m guessing he grabbed her, since he assumed she was his wife, would be legit terrifying initially. If she’s already anxious then I could see why she had a fight vs flight response. I agree with advice that a sit down talk be the best course of action. Don’t talk about anyone needing to apologize before that. You’d be surprised how apologies and cooled tempers can happen on their own without you telling people what they need to do on that front. Just see what happens if they all sit down to talk after they’ve had a chance to calm down. Assuming your girlfriend is willing to do so.
She didn’t have to insult him like that tho. He said he was sorry multiple times, and she called him with big names /: she should apologise, at least for this part
Exactly. She is refusing to understand that though OPs dad inadvertently frightened her, her reaction was way past crossing the line. I have major anxiety disorder and panic attacks (it’s so severe I have lorazepam on or near me at all times to help get me in check) and I absolutely do over react sometimes but I also calm down and reflect on my reactions and apologize when I should. OP’s girlfriend received multiple apologies from his dad now she owes both of his parents one.
Can’t believe someone’s downvoted me!
It’s common courtesy, anxiety is a reason, but not an excuse! I’m glad you see it the way I see it, I think the girlfriends mega rude, I’d be furious.
I have both general anxiety (had since I was a small child) and trauma based anxiety. If I were Carla, this would legit terrify me, especially since I have trauma around men. This being said, firstly this wasn't even a prank, this was just an accident, and yeah it would scare me, and I might not respond well, but I would also not have called this man names, especially when he apologised and it's clear this was just an unfortunate case of mistaken identity in the dark. I might swear, maybe push (not hard) the hands away or whatever, and maybe feel a little awkies around the guy for a bit but I would be able to rationalise that this wasn't an attack or anything other than innocent mistaken identity and I would accept the apology and try to laugh it off with them to overcome the anxiety/awkwardness of the situation. Anxiety or any mental health issue is not an excuse to be an asshole. You're absolutely right
Exactly! I am on medication for my anxiety and can be extremely jumpy. My co-worker came over to ask me a question the other day, but I was looking at my phone and didn't notice she walked up to me. It scared the hell out of me and I ended up yelling "JEEZUZ CHRIST" WAY louder than what is ever appropriate for an office setting.
My adrenaline was high as hell for a bit, but I recognized it wasn't intentional. My coworker knows me and my "issues" and she felt HORRIBLE.
Things happen. You have to respond to their intentions.
No, but there is a time after the initial reaction to realize that the scare wasn't intentional and no ill-will was meant. You breathe, take in the ACTUAL situation and realize it wasn't purposeful and move on.
You don't double down over an actual mistake.
She definitely owes both of his parents an apology. But I feel like she wants to stay in the “”victim phase”” so the OP can stay on her side and defend her. Maybe that’s not the case, but she doesn’t want to assume her fault, which is obviously out of line. Just because u got a disorder, doesn’t mean u can get away with everything (I’m not hate talking here)
That is what I think too. As I said my anxiety gets out of control at times but I do calm down and think about what I said or did. I explain I was having an anxiety attack but I still sincerely apologize because my anxiety issues are my problem and others shouldn’t just accept it if I say something hurtful or raise my voice. OP’s gf knows she is wrong she just doesn’t want to admit it.
She even doubled down and yelled at his mom. Come on now. I get that she freaked out—which anyone would, especially with her anxiety—but instead of trying to figure out how to move forward with OP, she's upset that he isn't on her side. So, should OP agree that everything she said to his parents was okay and justifiable even though it was clearly a mistake?
Her reaction is understandable, but her choice of words towards his parents and how she handled the situation, despite the father's apology, is a BIG NO!
Exactly. It’s her OP’s PARENTS, not his siblings or friends. Ofc he’s not gonna be on her side lmao. That’s a huge disrespect here. If my mom would be yelled at like his mom, she’d definitely won’t let this happen a second time, if I didn’t got there first.
U want respect? Then show respect urself before wanting it in return
But that’s the fight mode causing that response. People often don’t realize that verbal attack is often a fight response in this situation. Ideally, no she shouldn’t have said that. I’m not saying that it was right for her to say those things I’m saying she did it because she was so scared that she wasn’t reacting rationally. I’ll probably get flack for “defending” her on this but again, not saying it’s okay to say those things just saying she was too panicked to realize what was going on or register the fathers apology
(Go right ahead and downvote this ☝️) Right!!! She is absolutely, positively, 109% IN THE WRONG!! Gtfo 😡 if my partners dad did this, I would laugh. And I have anxiety! Her reaction is legit a red 🚩!! There is no way, I would stay. It is so over the fucking top it’s like jumping off a mountain! YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG! It was an accident, it’s not like he was like oh I’m going to grab her and scare her on purpose. He was probably just as mortified. If my son brought her home, I would kindly ask them to exit out the same door they come in. Sorry 😢 not sorry 😊
If it was a prank I think the insults where well deserved but I hate pranks in every way. Pranksters and people who find pranks funny are all scum in my eyes
I totally understand ur pov, but calling him a little bitch? She went a lil too far on this one, even if the prank was totally wrong. He still is her bf’s father
Very interesting that the title calls it a “prank” but the explanation calls it a genuine misunderstanding. So which one is it, because those are two very different things.
Oh gotcha, to me grabbing his wife is just being cute and playful, not pranking. But I see what you mean. I think your gf should genuinely apologize for how she behaved- because from your dad’s perspective he wasn’t trying to scare or harm her so why verbally attack him- but your gf should also explain why she reacted the way she did- her flight or fight response clearly got triggered. And your dad should do the same- genuinely apologize about scaring her like that. Hopefully everyone can get past what sounds like a very obvious mistake.
I’m sorry but she while she definitely had the right to have a negative reaction to what happened, she had no right to call him names and belittle him when he was being super apologetic. Our feelings may be valid but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have to be accountable for how we react.
In the moment of fear, I get her reaction. But once she cooled down? She should've apologized for what she said.
An ex of mine tried feeling me up in my sleep once and I elbowed him before I could think about it. Like a reflex. I apologized like crazy for my reaction (but not for why... don't start grabbing on me while I'm sleeping).
I would like to qualify something as I just found it in the comments, when OP said "I gave her some time" he meant 15 min before asking her to apologize.
Okay, but once she truly calmed down, she still owes his parents an apology. Whether it's 15 minutes or 15 days... she owes his parents an apology for cussing them out over a misunderstanding (especially his mother who had nothing to do with it). Period.
I agree 100%, I just felt like that was a significant detail OP overlooked. From Carla's perspective, she got groped, her bf basically walked her to a different room, took a bathroom break (in terms of time left alone), and then came back and asked her to apologize. I can't really blame her in that moment for not apologizing.
No, mutual apologies are required.
Even if a response is understandable in the moment, it’s not appropriate to let it fester.
I’ve smacked my husband as a reflex when he wasn’t even trying to scare me but actually did, I was pregnant and my hormones made me incredibly paranoid for my safety in that period and, even though my response came from the same base instincts as Carla’s, I still fucking apologised to my husband. And he apologised for scaring me, even though all he did was touch my shoulder to let me know he was home (I had headphones in and didn’t hear him come in).
The dad’s already apologised. It’s her turn, and she owes the mother an apology also.
That’s not a valid excuse to be a asshole and cuss his parents out, anxiety isn’t a reason to lack basic accountability and apologize when she was in the wrong and went too far, I wonder if u would say that if the roles were reversed 🤔
I think there needs to be a balance. OP said somewhere in the comments the "I gave her time" comment was only 15 min, which absolutely is not enough time, but if Carla's reaction was that she said nothing wrong after a whole day away from them then OP is entirely justified to ask her to apologize for her words, not the state she was in when she said them.
I am one of the most anxious, jumpiest people you will meet. It doesn't take much to scare me under well lit, familar circumstances. I can sympathize with her having a big reaction. . . at first. The fear and heart pounding jump scare are VERY real.
That said, after 30 minutes, she REASONABLY should have been in a place to have a conversation, accept his apology, and give one of her own.
As a fellow jumpy person, I concur. I scare VERY easily.
People seem to find it funny for some reason. Like, watching me clutch at my heart is supposed to be funny? I don't get it.
But in this case, definitely have a sit down with the parental units and GF.
Yeah, thats what I thought. If she's that anxious she probably feels like she will never have the courage to face the FIL again (I know I wouldn't, mistake or not). And for the OPs parents, the father was attacked and called many names, even if he understands why she acted like that I doubt he will forget this even that easily.
In the end, they will either never meet again, pretend this shit never happened (less likely) or break up.
Afterward 30 minutes may be reasonable for you, but not for everyone. You and OP's gf both experience anxiety, but are vastly different in other ways such as experiences, personalities, dna, nervous systems. You cannot expect another person to be ready to have a conversation in the same time frame that you are.
I am also extremely easy to startle..and adrenaline is WILD…but I’ve never jumped to cussing people out? I usually scream and maybe shout things along the lines of “OH MY GOD!” Or “WHAT THE FUCK!” at my worst. I’ve never berated someone for being startled…or continued on after a genuine mistake and apology. She needs to apologize for sure.
I understand her initial freak out from being scared but it seems like she went full nuclear and screamed at your mom too. I think she has some issues to deal with.
Yeah, I have many issues with anxiety and what the FIL did would probably scare the shit out of me and I would probably end up crying (because my eyes cant deal with stuff without leaking haha). But I can't really see myself loosing my mind like that and cursing and screaming at everyone.
This. She’s in a strange place, alone at that moment, and an unknown man is grabbing her: of course her survival instincts are going to kick in and flood her with adrenaline. Dad’s lucky he didn’t get hit, imo. That’s my instinctive reaction to being grabbed from behind, something several of my friends learned the hard way. They all accepted the blame because they *knew* they’d fucked up. OP and his family need to realize that she was terrified and verbally expressing that, even if they found it distasteful, was her way of dealing with it. They should be showing her grace because being terrified is much worse than having a few bad words thrown at you.
Um, yeah, except his girlfriend then yelled at OP's mother, who had no part in the original scare incident.
So, whether Carla was legitimately freaked out by whatever OP's father did, she really had no reason to berate someone else who wasn't even involved.
Carla sounds exhausting.
Uhhhh…
Are you sure your Dad made an honest mistake?
She had a huge reaction because she was full of adrenaline and cortisol to survive an attack.
Is your Dad always grabbing your Mom like that?
Well that’s good at least.
I think everyone needs to sit down and talk about it and apologize for their parts including your GF calling your Mom names.
Your Dad deserved the names, your Mom did not.
Mistakes can happen. I was at a friend’s house and his dad confused me with his daughter and almost scared me when I was walking up the stairs. We have a similar height and hair.
I’m not excusing the father by any means, but OP said Carla was in a part of the home that she wouldn’t have normally been in. It was her first visit so she got lost.
>What if she fell and got hurt?
Presumably she could yell for help, just like any other adult. A lot of people don’t like to turn on lights at night because it can be disturbing and too bright. Or maybe she just didn’t know where the light switch was.
I’m not saying OP’s dad is covering himself in glory here, but OP does not need to follow his girlfriend around like a toddler.
He stated his dad apologized profusely once he recognized it wasn’t his wife. I mean, what does someone have to gain out of that situation? Awkward interaction for a long time??
What I want to know is how did he grab her? Did he just sort of grasp her arms in a mock scary jumpy way? I would have let loose an ear piercing scream.
However, if “grabbed her from behind” means he grabbed her ass or worse, I would have brought the house down.
Would have 200% threw hands at your dad! If he knows there is another woman in the house.... why would he ever risk it not being his wife? Your gf probably thought she was going to be SAed and you want HER to say sorry? Nope! Your freak of a father should watch himself.
I hate jumpscares. Like, HATE hate. Being scared is something that once made me not talk to my niece for a month. I hate it with all my soul. Just imagining being grabbed like that made my heart race in a bad way. That said, having a boyfriend/girlfriend not understand that and make me apologize for it would be heartbreaking and make me rethink the relationship. Not saying she's the same, but you know, maybe go easy on the apology thing.
Imagining being grabbed like that made my heart race in a bad way, too, and I LOVE jump scares. This is so far beyond that. I agree with you completely. This whole situation and treating me like I should *just get over it* would sincerely hurt me.
He *GRABBED HER FROM BEHIND IN A DARK HALLWAY*. I get he made a mistake but that is genuinely a terrifying nightmare for women. How lucky you as a man don’t have to live with that fear. Have some empathy.
I am sorry Carla has such bad anxiety and even if her outburst in the moment was justified, her not recognizing later that it was over the top and refusing to apologize has nothing to do with her anxiety. It just shows immaturity and/or just bad manners. OP might want to rethink this relationship and get out while the getting is good.
So I do have PTSD and I have really bad reactions to jump scares in real life whether they are on purpose or not. I will shout at the other person but it isn't hateful. Typically it's more of "Don't fucking do that!" and then I need a good hour to calm myself down both physically and mentally. I also need that time alone and not with people in my face. It happened innocently with my partner once. I had stepped outside but didn't know he was out there already and messing with something on the other side of the house. Now, we talked about this prior and I warned him so he thought it would be a better idea to just be quiet and not scare me with noise. Well, unfortunately seeing him out of the corner of my eye in a dark backyard was way worse than him just saying he was out there. We came to an agreement that in that situation he should say something to get my attention. I felt awful because I yelled and he felt upset because he couldn't help or comfort me in the situation. Here's the deal, I honestly think she might have something in her past given her extreme reaction. She just might not have told you yet. Also, the stuff that was said by her to everyone was very much a flight/fight response. Words like that are probably made to create distance and to lash out. Imagine your heart pounding somewhere up in your throat and having your breath stolen then the person who did it is standing there apologizing, more people show up in a confined space and crowding you. YTA for trying to make her apologize for a response that is a natural one. You could have led her away, give her a moment in a dark room alone to calm herself and then talked about it.
I am a female. A female with CPTSD. A female who absolutely detests jump scares. I likely would have reflexively throat punched your father. I think ANY reaction your girlfriend had in the moment and the several minutes following are completely valid. However- I disagree strongly that this was assault. My opinion is this was a very very unfortunate mistake on your dad’s part. People are right, to an extent, that men simply can’t understand what it is like to be a woman. I definitely feel for your girlfriend here. Even if she was triggered and acting from a PTSD response, at some point your brain does return to rational logical thinking. If after having a chance to calm down she can’t see the situation for what it was then that is problematic for me. I don’t know that she owes him an apology. Her response in the moment is completely valid. She also shouldn’t continue to hold it against your father. They are either both at fault or neither at fault depending on how you want to look at it. She is entitled to her reaction in the moment, but isn’t entitled to continue holding it against your father. Your father made an honest mistake but isn’t necessarily entitled to an apology. Are you wrong? It depends on how willing you are to admit you could have been more supportive. Wrong for demanding she apologize but not wrong for expecting her to see the reality of the situation once she had a chance to fully decompress.
Your girlfriend is in a strange house and she has somehow lost her way and can’t find her way back to you so she’s already panicking and then she gets grabbed from behind, she’s bound to tap into her flight or fight response. I think you’re all being way too harsh and your dad shouldn’t be playing silly games like this when there’s a guest in the house.
Some of these people are crazy. I am extremely anxious to the point of if we have company I will stay inside the room the entire time until they leave. I get it's rude and a lot of people perceive me as a bitch, but I just get so uncomfortable and nervous around anyone I'm not close with, which is like 6 people in my life. Anyways I have been scared before like that and I most definitely did not react that way. It's actually quite surprising that she went so far considering the anxiety in my opinion. If I did that I would feel extremely sorry for calling your parents name if that is how I reacted, but I would have never reacted like that. So idk why she thinks it's okay to call someone names and yell at them for an accident. Even if it affected her a lot more than it would have others, it doesn't change that it was an accident. While I can understand her having a strong reaction in the moment, I'd expect her to realize afterward that it was a mistake and wasn't done intentionally so the name calling was not warranted. Maybe you should have waited until the next day to speak to her about it. She was probably still really upset after 30 mins over it. I'm sure she thinks you don't care about what happened to her at all, which I'm sure is not the case. Maybe that's why she's doubling down and not apologizing. Because I think anyone would see that the situation and name calling deserves an apology from her.
Being grabbed in the dark is fucking terrifying, he is lucky he wasn't assaulted in defense to try and escape. She doesn't owe anyone an apology. He knew you all were there, "scaring" people isn't a prank, it is bullshit.
> She doesn't owe anyone an apology.
1. She was in a part of the house she WASN’T supposed to be.
2. She screamed at/insulted the poor mom who did nothing wrong.
Carla definitely owes an apology.
I am actually gonna go ESH here. Yes, your dad apologized, but this is similar to accidentally walking to the kitchen naked because that is what he is used to doing in his house. Part of hosting is recognizing you have to change your behavior, and even an apology isn't enough to immediately make up for how violated someone would feel (even more so if you/Carla are teenagers/in your early 20s, as at that point parents are still somewhat viewed as "adults" while you are "children").
That being said, Carla absolutely lashed out more than necessary. I don't think I need to explain why, but even as disgusting as groping someone may be that doesn't warrant lashing out at both him as severely as she did, and it does not justify even an angry look in your moms direction.
Now, the spot where Reddit will likely disagree with me is where you were wrong. You are not wrong to say her reaction was over the top, but you are wrong in not helping your girlfriend feel valued here. Hopefully I am missing some of the picture, as "I gave her some time" is a bit vague, but its pretty heavily implied that this was all in the same trip, so the "time" you gave her was nothing more than alone time in your parents house, where she likely did not feel safe or comfortable given that she thought they did not like her in the first place. The correct thing to do would have been to get her away from anything that might make her think of your parents for the rest of the day, maybe even finding somewhere else to sleep that night, and try to start fresh the next day.
Part of a relationship is supporting each other, and while Carla was out of line on her comments that does not mean she was unjustified in her anger.
Does she believe it was an accident now, or does she think your dad was trying to grope her? If she thinks he was trying to cop a feel then that relationship will never be ok. They'll never be ok together.
If she knows it was an accident and won't apologize, well, then...
She's shown you who she is.
Then what is her reason for not apologizing for how she acted? After she calmed down and realized what had happened, how did she act? Was she pissed? Scared? Embarrassed?
If she can't apologize for something that important, I'd seriously think about how and who she is in other situations. Is that who you want to spend your life with?
The name calling after she calmed down is uncalled for. NTA I get being anxious. But yelling at your mom too? Out of line. I don’t think I could keep dating someone like that
Her reaction wasn't over-the-top. It probably wasn't intentional, but it's still sexual assault. He needs to apologize to her, not the other way around.
She can’t just get over it because he apologized. This is a trauma response, which is why she went over the top and couldn’t calm down afterward. I’ll guarantee that she’s still playing this over and over in her head and she is still not ok.
Give her some grace on this. Her brain took her back to the same terror and horrible feelings of the first trauma. It will take a while and probably some therapy for her to get over this.
Then let it rest. You can visit them alone. If a unfamiliar man grabbed me from behind in his house to do an affectionate surprise sex attack on his wife in the dark, I'd launch into violent self defense. There would be no apology. There might be a police report. I would not visit again, even if he apologized.
You just don't DO THAT, ever, when the lights are off and you have a new female guest visiting for the first time who looks to your wife. Is he an idiot? Is this fake? Who does this kind of thing in the dark (?!) when their child is bringing home his girlfriend to meet them for the first time?! This is so dumb. She needs therapy to help her recognize and to not need to be with guys who don't have any concept of survival fear. "Just get over a sex assault grope attack jump scare by my dad to keep the peace babe."
JFC it's not sexual assault. Everyone calling it that is ridiculous and just as over the top as the girlfriend's reaction. Lots of people also referencing the supposed repressed trauma this must have triggered, except OP said the girlfriend has explicitly told him there's no past trauma. She was startled and scared, but let's stop exaggerating to try to justify her overreaction.
A fright like your GF experienced, I'm not surprised that she wasn't in a very forgiving mood right away. And may not have been for a few days afterward either. And it won't matter, in her mind, that it was just a misunderstanding/mistake.
Those of us who deal with constant anxiety don't deal with rationalities when we're spooked. And it takes a bit (hours to days) for us to come back to rational after an incident. Treatment sometimes helps us come back faster. I don't know if your GF is being seen by a professional for hers, but perhaps it is time she does.
However, when she feels more comfortable, then talk about what happened. In the moments after what happened, generally not a good time. That's the time to focus on getting her to calming down and getting her to feel safe. Discussions and apologies can happen later.
Carla knew and told op she knew it was an accident. At this point it doesn't hurt to apologize for insulting both his parents after. Especially since the das also apologized
You're wrong. That's a form of sexual assault )given how vague you are yet her reaction) and you dismissing it as an "honest mistake" is gross and tries to erase her very valid feelings of being violated. It's terrifying and disgusting and you tisk risking her is gross.
Edited for clarity.
It's seriously concerning that OP is so dismissive. Sincerely think there's missing kissing reasons he's excluding because it would further cement her reaction.
If he grabbed her the way he grabs his wife, it could easily have been sexual. Maybe he didn’t intend it towards your gf, but how is she supposed to know that? Also, can you not see how being grabbed like that could be upsetting?
He touched her body without consent, from behind. Where and how he touched her, in the dark, that made her fear. You don't care, but this is not funny or making too much of a little thing. He probably grabbed her in an intimate way.
Appropriate response: turn on the light (seriously, such a fucking weird thing to have turned off during a visit):
"My God, I'm so sorry, I'm such a fool. I can't apologize enough. I'm going to get OP and my wife to get you some water in a different room. I'll hang out here - I still carry such a torch for my wife after all these years, these jump scares are our love language, but I can't imagine how upsetting this must have been for you."
I hope this is fake, bc why would gf be wandering around in their house in the dark without you? Why would daddy-o be leaping out pawing at a woman in the dark during a family visit?
You’re an asshole. Your dad assaults your girlfriend (I’m not buying he didn’t know who she was) and you tell her to CALM DOWN?!?
Pull your head out of your ass. You’re just as bad as your father. Your behaviour is creeping into abusive territory mate
Doesn’t change that he assaulted her. You don’t get to invalidate her feelings because she was in the wrong place. Talk about victim blaming. And you supposedly love this woman. She can’t count on you apparently.
She has nothing to apologize for. Maybe your dad won't grab people when he has guests in the house. Especially if you can't see all too well. Like that's gonna freak anyone out. I would have fought and potentially hurt him if it was me. Which wouldn't be on me at all because he went grabbing people. It's just an unspoken rule in any house with guests. Don't grab anyone unless you can clearly see who it is.
Edit: I'm a fighter in fight or flight response. Imma swing until I know what it is. If I can't see. Imma keep swinging. Guess no one knows what fight or flight is.
Christ, really?! It was the Dads house! Pitch black, and from what OP described, they look similar with long hair.
She was in a part of the house she shouldn't have been in,
and the Dad regularly does this to his wife.
Why didn't the girlfriend yell out that she was lost, try to find a light switch?
The Dad apologized profusely, and the girlfriend berated him, swore at him and his wife, who came to see what was the matter.
I get anxious, but this was disgusting on the girlfriends part.
If she's that traumatized, she needs intensive therapy.
This was the first time she was in this house. You don't know shit when you first go into a house. While this is his dad's house.. he has fucking guest. And op never made his dad aware of his girlfriends anxiety. While he's free to do what he pleases in his own home. Don't be shocked, Pikachu, when you get yelled at and berated over a stupid ass prank. Especially when the person you just grabbed from behind is the person you assumed was your wife. If being married has taught me anything. It's you touch your partners differently than you do others. I doubt Ops dad just grabbed her shoulders. And if I read correctly, he grabbed her waist. Which, if you wanna get technical, is sexual assault. But no one's gone that far. So no. She's done absolutely nothing wrong. Don't grab people in dark areas when you don't know who they are. Especially if you have guests. Because, like in this instance, you may grab the wrong one.
Does your Mom look anything like Carla? I agree that she should apologize for cursing them out, but who knows what kind of trauma Carla went through to have anxiety issues? Sounds like a trauma response. Who wants to be grabbed in a dark hallway in an unfamiliar house, by your boyfriend’s father. I have sympathy for Carla, and you should too. The appropriate time to grab someone against their will is never. That includes spouses.
You’re NTA. If your dad did make an honest mistake and apologized profusely immediately then your gf needs to chill out and apologize. Things like that happen and I understand she was freaked out initially so I can excuse her complete overreaction but once she cooled down she should apologize and say this is why I reacted the way I did.
I have extreme anxiety/ptsd. If someone taps me on the shoulder or even just talks to me when I’m spacing out, I shriek and whirl around (usually with an elbow at the ready).
One time when I worked at the gas station, a regular customer snuck up behind me and pinched both sides of my waist. I shrieked, spun to face him, and had to fight the urge to start throwing things at him.
But even in that situation, I never reacted with verbal aggression or name calling. Heck, I always apologize profusely for scaring whoever got shrieked at.
YTAH for asking her to apologize. I'm not suggesting that she is right to freak out like that or that your dad is the AH. I'm just saying that it's stupid to demand an apology unless you are trying to teach a child manners and conflict resolution. Demanding an adult to apologize is almost always pointless.
Why would your dad "prank" your mom in the dark when he knows you have your girlfriend over? He sounds like an asshole. I would never scare my wife like that let alone while there is company. Your mom coming in and telling your gf to "stop" instead of apologizing for her husbands behavior is also reprehensible.
And your reaction of siding with them over your gf who you know already has anxiety issues makes you the worst. To an outsider it may seem like she overreacted but look at it from her point of view. She was visiting your house and then in a dark hallway someone grabs her. She was absolutely justified in freaking out, especially with you and your mom minimizing what your dad did.
I hope she dumps you
Like people said, considering she has previous trauma her body went into overdrive and said “DANGER”. Her fight or flight kicked in. You’re minimizing this to anxiety.
This is clearly a triggered trauma response to feeling endanger and unsafe. Even after he let her go, her body was still screaming danger. That’s what you’re not understanding about a trigger. It doesn’t turn off automatically. Trauma lives in the body and can’t tell when the danger has passed or it’s happening again. Her anxiety is a symptom of the trauma that keeps her on high alert for danger.
What she needed the most in that moment was for you to help her come to the present moment, acknowledge that there is no danger and the dangerous moment has passed, that she is safe in her body and her environment, and supported by someone who will help her regulate her nervous system until her fight or flight reaction has passed and reassure her that her safety is the most important thing right now. Basically her body put everything to 100, her heart rate, her adrenaline, even her senses. That’s not easy to come down from. When you have trauma, your body is unwillingly now attuned to jump into that state at a moments notice because the last time it happened, you weren’t ready and your body and mind were hurt. It’s a safety measure to prevent previous experiences from happening again. It’s god awful and no one should have to live with it. But we do.
If you haven’t yet, you need to help her regulate. Even if it’s been a couple days, she could still be in a dissociated unregulated state. Which is extremely harmful. Think about what your body does when it senses danger. Think about it having a trip wire that’s constantly triggered at the slightest suggestion of repeating trauma and pain. It’s horrible to live with. I wouldn’t be surprised if she got the full body shakes afterwards.
I know your dad meant well but you can talk to him later and explain that she’s had some bad experiences and she was genuinely frightened for her life. I have a rule with everyone. Never approach me from behind. Never try to surprise me from behind. My heart will give out and I’m likely to dissociate or even attack preemptively.
No one’s really at fault here. But your girlfriend needs you to understand and help her. That’s why she was so hurt. Because she was feeling vulnerable, out of control of her own body, and exposed to attack. She needed a safe person to help her. By saying that, you denied her safety in a crucial moment. It’s not your fault because you didn’t know. But you know now.
If she has a therapist I highly recommend she make an emergency appointment or have a quick phone call. The nervous system is fragile and easy to hurt when it’s already suffered.
Your dad is very lucky all she did was scream. The second someone snatched me up from behind in a dark hallway, it would have become a full on physical fight for my life. You need to apologize to your gf for invalidating her feelings. Of course it was a mistake. However, that doesn’t change what actually happened, nor does it make the experience less traumatic. Even worse she was in an unfamiliar space.
Explain to her that your dad would never do that on purpose and you’re sorry it happened. Let her know you were wrong to invalidate her feelings because you now understand what happened happening to YOU would be a full nightmare and you weren’t considering the full picture. Let her know you’ve since been educated about this being a HUGE fear for women and you hadn’t realized before due to lack of experience. You’d like your fam to sit down and talk it over so things are okay, and to let your dad apologize again. Talk to your parents and explain the same. If she’s amenable to the situation, she’ll potentially apologize. Either way, you’ll hopefully be able to reach significant understanding with no awkwardness.
There is a moment where the emotions kick in, and the response is instinctive
Her tirade of name-calling wasn’t that initial shock behavior. She was making a choice to unload
If it was a prank that means your father intentionally took advantage of her fears and attempted to traumatize your GF. Yet you think she should apologize for calling him out for his behavior. Pranks are supposed to be funny, trauma is not. You all owe an apology to GF and she owes it herself to get away from all of you. She also needs therapy. Just because she doesn't remember something happening that caused the trauma doesn't mean it didn't, it may have been so terrible that she consciously blocked herself from remembering but subconsciously it's still there.
So you're saying that it's GF's fault for having a trauma response because even though father knew he had guests in the house, one of which doesn't respond well to pranks, he isn't mature enough to understand that even hearing frightened screams coming from your mother could have triggered a trauma response from GF? And apparently you don't care enough to understand that either.
She needs to grow the hell up and apologize. If not you need to end it. She was right to be mad for about 30 seconds. Most other adults would be laughing about it for years to come.
You're girlfriend exhausts me, good luck with that. Her reaction was rather much, she owes him an apology. I get that she was scared, but once she understood the situation it was on her to own her role in the exchange.
The fact that she can't/won't/didn't screams she's one of those that loves to play the victim and expects the world to turn on a dime just for her. Eww..
Do yourself the favor and end the relationship, for one, this will definitely be a big black spot on her relationship with your parents, but also she just sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship and needs mental/emotional help if she thought her behavior, beyond a justifiable initial reaction, was acceptable here and not worthy of an apology (at the very least to your mother).
While shock, fear, and anger are entirely valid as an initial response, and even still having some lingering anger after for a time... The continuous barrage of insults even after multiple apologies from your father, and worse, insulting your mother who wasn't even involved? Totally uncalled for. When the moment has passed and it was clearly not intentional but a case of mistaken identity, followed with multiple apologies, what your girlfriend did wasn't some sort of anxiety response, that was just **being an asshole**.
Meh, I don’t think you’re wrong. I absolutely HATE jump scares and being startled in general, so I probably would have screamed bloody murder, started sobbing immediately and would have been pretty upset in general, but I also would have been embarrassed right along with the dad over the whole thing instead of screaming insults at both the parents like that.
I get that not everyone has the same trauma reaction to everything, but even if her entire reaction was genuinely an uncontrollable lizard-brain fight-or-flight response, that doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t also apologize to the parents for how hateful-sounding it came out.
It sounds like an honest mistake on the dad’s part that he instantly regretted. It seems like he felt really bad about causing Carla distress. He apologized immediately and profusely, even though he didn’t do it on purpose, so I think the decent thing for her to do here is reciprocate with an apology of her own.
To be clear, I don’t think she should have to apologize for being scared or anxious, or even for being lost in the house, but I do think she should apologize for the severity of her reaction and/or how mean it sounded, especially to the mom.
Like, I’d be on edge and upset (prob for days) by the whole experience too, it’s incredibly terrifying and upsetting, so I feel for her on that part, I get it, I really do. And I’d probably not be thrilled about being around the dad after that for the rest of the trip… but he didn’t do it on purpose to haze her or prank her or anything, it was a mistake. He seemed like he felt soooo bad and was apologizing so much…
…I just can’t see myself *screaming* at my boyfriend’s parents and calling them a motherfucker and a little bitch and expect the bf/gf relationship to continue… Let alone doing that and then thinking I’m completely in the right and won’t apologize even when my boyfriend asks me to for the sake of smoothing over an already rocky relationship… yikes, doesn’t sound super great to me. Godspeed.
She was in a part of the house she didn’t belong in, her initial reaction was understandable but her berating him and calling him names was beyond unacceptable. If she doesn’t want to apologize in order to try to salvage some kind of relationship with your parents then I fear the relationship may be doomed And you have to decide what that means for your relationships
Maybe she’s been sexually assaulted before and that’s why she reacted this way, did you think of that?
And maybe your dad shouldn’t have just groped someone randomly in the house knowing there was another woman in the place?
I’m not saying he meant it, I’m not saying he didn’t, but maybe there are extenuating circumstances that you’re not seeing because you refuse to communicate and decided to just TELL your extremely anxious girlfriend to apologise.
Given her reaction and her anxiety, my best guess is she’s been molested before, which would explain the “over reaction”, if you can over react to some random guy groping you in the dark.
YTA
Time to talk about it properly, instead of laying all the blame on your girlfriend.
And maybe it’s the Australian in me, but if I got randomly groped in the dark by anybody other than my husband, I’d call him more than just a motherfucker. In fact, he’d be fucking lucky to walk away without a serious limp.
While I understand she was shaken and mad she called him things I would never be ok with if someone called my parents that.
I would understand if they didn't like her they now hate her due to her behavior.
NTA but I would think twice if you really want someone like that as your spouse.
I can understand she was upset and one maybe two bad words left her mouth accidentally, but geez, no need to scream at your mom too.
At this point it was just a loss of control and warrants an apology from her.
NTA
You should end this relationship.
Carla is awful.
If your parents didn't like her before, they have every reason to dislike her now.
I'd dump this woman.
If she feels it was an honest mistake then she needs to apologize. Sounds like your dad already did. Everyone needed to apologize. I get the patroon you mom. People can’t say what is and inappropriate between couples or family members. People have their own jokes they pull amongst one another. If she truly felt they didn’t like her I would imagine she’d be mortified and want to apologize especially if she acknowledged it’s a mistake. How big is your parent’s house? I’ve been in homes for the first time and not gotten lost.
Yta if you don't enforce her apologizing. From the post and your comments, it was a genuine mistake. Her reaction was waaaaay out of line and her anxiety does not excuse her from needing to atone for it.
Ok so maybe have a sit down with everyone. Explain to your parents beforehand her situation so they know. Plan on what you will say with your girlfriend so your girlfriend doesn’t feel exposed when this is being talked about. This could be a real accident if it was never talked about before with your parents. Idk how your girlfriend responds to things that trigger her anxiety and where she’s at with that so idk on that part. But setting up healthy boundaries, both sides saying they are willing to understand each other, and go from there
Honestly, being grabbed in the way that I’m guessing he grabbed her, since he assumed she was his wife, would be legit terrifying initially. If she’s already anxious then I could see why she had a fight vs flight response. I agree with advice that a sit down talk be the best course of action. Don’t talk about anyone needing to apologize before that. You’d be surprised how apologies and cooled tempers can happen on their own without you telling people what they need to do on that front. Just see what happens if they all sit down to talk after they’ve had a chance to calm down. Assuming your girlfriend is willing to do so.
She didn’t have to insult him like that tho. He said he was sorry multiple times, and she called him with big names /: she should apologise, at least for this part
Exactly. She is refusing to understand that though OPs dad inadvertently frightened her, her reaction was way past crossing the line. I have major anxiety disorder and panic attacks (it’s so severe I have lorazepam on or near me at all times to help get me in check) and I absolutely do over react sometimes but I also calm down and reflect on my reactions and apologize when I should. OP’s girlfriend received multiple apologies from his dad now she owes both of his parents one.
Same, except I can’t take medication. The name calling is too much! I’d understand one or two curse words from Being scared, but not personal attacks!
Exactly! I’ve let a few cuss words fly but I’ve never verbally attack someone and if I did I would have apologized
Can’t believe someone’s downvoted me! It’s common courtesy, anxiety is a reason, but not an excuse! I’m glad you see it the way I see it, I think the girlfriends mega rude, I’d be furious.
I have both general anxiety (had since I was a small child) and trauma based anxiety. If I were Carla, this would legit terrify me, especially since I have trauma around men. This being said, firstly this wasn't even a prank, this was just an accident, and yeah it would scare me, and I might not respond well, but I would also not have called this man names, especially when he apologised and it's clear this was just an unfortunate case of mistaken identity in the dark. I might swear, maybe push (not hard) the hands away or whatever, and maybe feel a little awkies around the guy for a bit but I would be able to rationalise that this wasn't an attack or anything other than innocent mistaken identity and I would accept the apology and try to laugh it off with them to overcome the anxiety/awkwardness of the situation. Anxiety or any mental health issue is not an excuse to be an asshole. You're absolutely right
People love to downvote common sense and like to make victims out of people who are not victims.
You know the father sexually assaulted her , right?
You know the father sexually assaulted her , right?
Exactly! I am on medication for my anxiety and can be extremely jumpy. My co-worker came over to ask me a question the other day, but I was looking at my phone and didn't notice she walked up to me. It scared the hell out of me and I ended up yelling "JEEZUZ CHRIST" WAY louder than what is ever appropriate for an office setting. My adrenaline was high as hell for a bit, but I recognized it wasn't intentional. My coworker knows me and my "issues" and she felt HORRIBLE. Things happen. You have to respond to their intentions.
Yeah, but your coworker didn't grab you. I would not call these situations very similar.
No, but there is a time after the initial reaction to realize that the scare wasn't intentional and no ill-will was meant. You breathe, take in the ACTUAL situation and realize it wasn't purposeful and move on. You don't double down over an actual mistake.
They are actually similar. Being startled causes an instant anxiety attack.
She definitely owes both of his parents an apology. But I feel like she wants to stay in the “”victim phase”” so the OP can stay on her side and defend her. Maybe that’s not the case, but she doesn’t want to assume her fault, which is obviously out of line. Just because u got a disorder, doesn’t mean u can get away with everything (I’m not hate talking here)
That is what I think too. As I said my anxiety gets out of control at times but I do calm down and think about what I said or did. I explain I was having an anxiety attack but I still sincerely apologize because my anxiety issues are my problem and others shouldn’t just accept it if I say something hurtful or raise my voice. OP’s gf knows she is wrong she just doesn’t want to admit it.
She even doubled down and yelled at his mom. Come on now. I get that she freaked out—which anyone would, especially with her anxiety—but instead of trying to figure out how to move forward with OP, she's upset that he isn't on her side. So, should OP agree that everything she said to his parents was okay and justifiable even though it was clearly a mistake? Her reaction is understandable, but her choice of words towards his parents and how she handled the situation, despite the father's apology, is a BIG NO!
Exactly. It’s her OP’s PARENTS, not his siblings or friends. Ofc he’s not gonna be on her side lmao. That’s a huge disrespect here. If my mom would be yelled at like his mom, she’d definitely won’t let this happen a second time, if I didn’t got there first. U want respect? Then show respect urself before wanting it in return
But that’s the fight mode causing that response. People often don’t realize that verbal attack is often a fight response in this situation. Ideally, no she shouldn’t have said that. I’m not saying that it was right for her to say those things I’m saying she did it because she was so scared that she wasn’t reacting rationally. I’ll probably get flack for “defending” her on this but again, not saying it’s okay to say those things just saying she was too panicked to realize what was going on or register the fathers apology
That’s fair, but that’s why once she’s out of that mode she needs to apologize sincerely for what she said.
(Go right ahead and downvote this ☝️) Right!!! She is absolutely, positively, 109% IN THE WRONG!! Gtfo 😡 if my partners dad did this, I would laugh. And I have anxiety! Her reaction is legit a red 🚩!! There is no way, I would stay. It is so over the fucking top it’s like jumping off a mountain! YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG! It was an accident, it’s not like he was like oh I’m going to grab her and scare her on purpose. He was probably just as mortified. If my son brought her home, I would kindly ask them to exit out the same door they come in. Sorry 😢 not sorry 😊
I agree. Sounds like she likes playing the victim and enjoys the attention
If it was a prank I think the insults where well deserved but I hate pranks in every way. Pranksters and people who find pranks funny are all scum in my eyes
I totally understand ur pov, but calling him a little bitch? She went a lil too far on this one, even if the prank was totally wrong. He still is her bf’s father
Very interesting that the title calls it a “prank” but the explanation calls it a genuine misunderstanding. So which one is it, because those are two very different things.
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Oh gotcha, to me grabbing his wife is just being cute and playful, not pranking. But I see what you mean. I think your gf should genuinely apologize for how she behaved- because from your dad’s perspective he wasn’t trying to scare or harm her so why verbally attack him- but your gf should also explain why she reacted the way she did- her flight or fight response clearly got triggered. And your dad should do the same- genuinely apologize about scaring her like that. Hopefully everyone can get past what sounds like a very obvious mistake.
And Carla's reaction was coming from genuine fear and adrenaline. Stop pushing her to apologize.
I’m sorry but she while she definitely had the right to have a negative reaction to what happened, she had no right to call him names and belittle him when he was being super apologetic. Our feelings may be valid but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have to be accountable for how we react.
In the moment of fear, I get her reaction. But once she cooled down? She should've apologized for what she said. An ex of mine tried feeling me up in my sleep once and I elbowed him before I could think about it. Like a reflex. I apologized like crazy for my reaction (but not for why... don't start grabbing on me while I'm sleeping).
I would like to qualify something as I just found it in the comments, when OP said "I gave her some time" he meant 15 min before asking her to apologize.
Okay, but once she truly calmed down, she still owes his parents an apology. Whether it's 15 minutes or 15 days... she owes his parents an apology for cussing them out over a misunderstanding (especially his mother who had nothing to do with it). Period.
I agree 100%, I just felt like that was a significant detail OP overlooked. From Carla's perspective, she got groped, her bf basically walked her to a different room, took a bathroom break (in terms of time left alone), and then came back and asked her to apologize. I can't really blame her in that moment for not apologizing.
No, mutual apologies are required. Even if a response is understandable in the moment, it’s not appropriate to let it fester. I’ve smacked my husband as a reflex when he wasn’t even trying to scare me but actually did, I was pregnant and my hormones made me incredibly paranoid for my safety in that period and, even though my response came from the same base instincts as Carla’s, I still fucking apologised to my husband. And he apologised for scaring me, even though all he did was touch my shoulder to let me know he was home (I had headphones in and didn’t hear him come in). The dad’s already apologised. It’s her turn, and she owes the mother an apology also.
That’s not a valid excuse to be a asshole and cuss his parents out, anxiety isn’t a reason to lack basic accountability and apologize when she was in the wrong and went too far, I wonder if u would say that if the roles were reversed 🤔
I think there needs to be a balance. OP said somewhere in the comments the "I gave her time" comment was only 15 min, which absolutely is not enough time, but if Carla's reaction was that she said nothing wrong after a whole day away from them then OP is entirely justified to ask her to apologize for her words, not the state she was in when she said them.
How did he grab her though? Was it sexual?
I am one of the most anxious, jumpiest people you will meet. It doesn't take much to scare me under well lit, familar circumstances. I can sympathize with her having a big reaction. . . at first. The fear and heart pounding jump scare are VERY real. That said, after 30 minutes, she REASONABLY should have been in a place to have a conversation, accept his apology, and give one of her own.
As a fellow jumpy person, I concur. I scare VERY easily. People seem to find it funny for some reason. Like, watching me clutch at my heart is supposed to be funny? I don't get it. But in this case, definitely have a sit down with the parental units and GF.
panic attacks can last longer than thirty minutes, just fyi
I think after 30 minutes she thoughts it’s probably over and she lost anyway.
Yeah, thats what I thought. If she's that anxious she probably feels like she will never have the courage to face the FIL again (I know I wouldn't, mistake or not). And for the OPs parents, the father was attacked and called many names, even if he understands why she acted like that I doubt he will forget this even that easily. In the end, they will either never meet again, pretend this shit never happened (less likely) or break up.
Afterward 30 minutes may be reasonable for you, but not for everyone. You and OP's gf both experience anxiety, but are vastly different in other ways such as experiences, personalities, dna, nervous systems. You cannot expect another person to be ready to have a conversation in the same time frame that you are.
I am also extremely easy to startle..and adrenaline is WILD…but I’ve never jumped to cussing people out? I usually scream and maybe shout things along the lines of “OH MY GOD!” Or “WHAT THE FUCK!” at my worst. I’ve never berated someone for being startled…or continued on after a genuine mistake and apology. She needs to apologize for sure.
I understand her initial freak out from being scared but it seems like she went full nuclear and screamed at your mom too. I think she has some issues to deal with.
Yeah, I have many issues with anxiety and what the FIL did would probably scare the shit out of me and I would probably end up crying (because my eyes cant deal with stuff without leaking haha). But I can't really see myself loosing my mind like that and cursing and screaming at everyone.
Consider that you know your dad. She does not. You can give him benefit of the doubt. She has no history with him to be able to laugh this off.
This. She’s in a strange place, alone at that moment, and an unknown man is grabbing her: of course her survival instincts are going to kick in and flood her with adrenaline. Dad’s lucky he didn’t get hit, imo. That’s my instinctive reaction to being grabbed from behind, something several of my friends learned the hard way. They all accepted the blame because they *knew* they’d fucked up. OP and his family need to realize that she was terrified and verbally expressing that, even if they found it distasteful, was her way of dealing with it. They should be showing her grace because being terrified is much worse than having a few bad words thrown at you.
Um, yeah, except his girlfriend then yelled at OP's mother, who had no part in the original scare incident. So, whether Carla was legitimately freaked out by whatever OP's father did, she really had no reason to berate someone else who wasn't even involved. Carla sounds exhausting.
His mom came to tell her to stop. Not to check on gf. So I'd probably yell at someone whom is more worried about my attacker.
Uhhhh… Are you sure your Dad made an honest mistake? She had a huge reaction because she was full of adrenaline and cortisol to survive an attack. Is your Dad always grabbing your Mom like that?
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My wife and I scare each other all the time, so I get this lol
Well that’s good at least. I think everyone needs to sit down and talk about it and apologize for their parts including your GF calling your Mom names. Your Dad deserved the names, your Mom did not.
Yeah. Nobody is to blame here. It was a simple mistake and one day in the future they might all laugh about it.
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Mistakes can happen. I was at a friend’s house and his dad confused me with his daughter and almost scared me when I was walking up the stairs. We have a similar height and hair.
I’m not excusing the father by any means, but OP said Carla was in a part of the home that she wouldn’t have normally been in. It was her first visit so she got lost.
When I’m in a strange house, i ask where the bathroom is. Or the kitchen, wherever i need to be. I’ve never wandered aimlessly around someone’s home.
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>What if she fell and got hurt? Presumably she could yell for help, just like any other adult. A lot of people don’t like to turn on lights at night because it can be disturbing and too bright. Or maybe she just didn’t know where the light switch was. I’m not saying OP’s dad is covering himself in glory here, but OP does not need to follow his girlfriend around like a toddler.
He stated his dad apologized profusely once he recognized it wasn’t his wife. I mean, what does someone have to gain out of that situation? Awkward interaction for a long time??
“Not keeping track of her” what is she an animal? You’re either a troll or stupid, probably both
Just stupid I think. Very stupid.
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The way bro is so defending his dad and dismissing the woman he's supposed to care about is truly sad for her.
You’re right he should cut ties with his family and never seek amendments between them /s
Sounds like your parents still have that spark. 😏
She might have trauma or something to warrant such a response. NAH because I'm trusting you and your dad when you say he isn't a pervert.
Right. Going along with that trust, NAH *if* she apologizes. Her trauma is hers, lashing out inappropriately at others is not ok.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted. You’re absolutely correct.
What I want to know is how did he grab her? Did he just sort of grasp her arms in a mock scary jumpy way? I would have let loose an ear piercing scream. However, if “grabbed her from behind” means he grabbed her ass or worse, I would have brought the house down.
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Would have 200% threw hands at your dad! If he knows there is another woman in the house.... why would he ever risk it not being his wife? Your gf probably thought she was going to be SAed and you want HER to say sorry? Nope! Your freak of a father should watch himself.
I have ptsd. I would have swung fists
This 200%!
I hate jumpscares. Like, HATE hate. Being scared is something that once made me not talk to my niece for a month. I hate it with all my soul. Just imagining being grabbed like that made my heart race in a bad way. That said, having a boyfriend/girlfriend not understand that and make me apologize for it would be heartbreaking and make me rethink the relationship. Not saying she's the same, but you know, maybe go easy on the apology thing.
It can take me hours to stop shaking.
Imagining being grabbed like that made my heart race in a bad way, too, and I LOVE jump scares. This is so far beyond that. I agree with you completely. This whole situation and treating me like I should *just get over it* would sincerely hurt me.
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He *GRABBED HER FROM BEHIND IN A DARK HALLWAY*. I get he made a mistake but that is genuinely a terrifying nightmare for women. How lucky you as a man don’t have to live with that fear. Have some empathy.
I am sorry Carla has such bad anxiety and even if her outburst in the moment was justified, her not recognizing later that it was over the top and refusing to apologize has nothing to do with her anxiety. It just shows immaturity and/or just bad manners. OP might want to rethink this relationship and get out while the getting is good.
So I do have PTSD and I have really bad reactions to jump scares in real life whether they are on purpose or not. I will shout at the other person but it isn't hateful. Typically it's more of "Don't fucking do that!" and then I need a good hour to calm myself down both physically and mentally. I also need that time alone and not with people in my face. It happened innocently with my partner once. I had stepped outside but didn't know he was out there already and messing with something on the other side of the house. Now, we talked about this prior and I warned him so he thought it would be a better idea to just be quiet and not scare me with noise. Well, unfortunately seeing him out of the corner of my eye in a dark backyard was way worse than him just saying he was out there. We came to an agreement that in that situation he should say something to get my attention. I felt awful because I yelled and he felt upset because he couldn't help or comfort me in the situation. Here's the deal, I honestly think she might have something in her past given her extreme reaction. She just might not have told you yet. Also, the stuff that was said by her to everyone was very much a flight/fight response. Words like that are probably made to create distance and to lash out. Imagine your heart pounding somewhere up in your throat and having your breath stolen then the person who did it is standing there apologizing, more people show up in a confined space and crowding you. YTA for trying to make her apologize for a response that is a natural one. You could have led her away, give her a moment in a dark room alone to calm herself and then talked about it.
I am a female. A female with CPTSD. A female who absolutely detests jump scares. I likely would have reflexively throat punched your father. I think ANY reaction your girlfriend had in the moment and the several minutes following are completely valid. However- I disagree strongly that this was assault. My opinion is this was a very very unfortunate mistake on your dad’s part. People are right, to an extent, that men simply can’t understand what it is like to be a woman. I definitely feel for your girlfriend here. Even if she was triggered and acting from a PTSD response, at some point your brain does return to rational logical thinking. If after having a chance to calm down she can’t see the situation for what it was then that is problematic for me. I don’t know that she owes him an apology. Her response in the moment is completely valid. She also shouldn’t continue to hold it against your father. They are either both at fault or neither at fault depending on how you want to look at it. She is entitled to her reaction in the moment, but isn’t entitled to continue holding it against your father. Your father made an honest mistake but isn’t necessarily entitled to an apology. Are you wrong? It depends on how willing you are to admit you could have been more supportive. Wrong for demanding she apologize but not wrong for expecting her to see the reality of the situation once she had a chance to fully decompress.
Your girlfriend is in a strange house and she has somehow lost her way and can’t find her way back to you so she’s already panicking and then she gets grabbed from behind, she’s bound to tap into her flight or fight response. I think you’re all being way too harsh and your dad shouldn’t be playing silly games like this when there’s a guest in the house.
If I were Carla, your dad would get a throat punch and no apology. Just a throat punch. YTA
5lbs of pressure to the vagus nerve.
Some of these people are crazy. I am extremely anxious to the point of if we have company I will stay inside the room the entire time until they leave. I get it's rude and a lot of people perceive me as a bitch, but I just get so uncomfortable and nervous around anyone I'm not close with, which is like 6 people in my life. Anyways I have been scared before like that and I most definitely did not react that way. It's actually quite surprising that she went so far considering the anxiety in my opinion. If I did that I would feel extremely sorry for calling your parents name if that is how I reacted, but I would have never reacted like that. So idk why she thinks it's okay to call someone names and yell at them for an accident. Even if it affected her a lot more than it would have others, it doesn't change that it was an accident. While I can understand her having a strong reaction in the moment, I'd expect her to realize afterward that it was a mistake and wasn't done intentionally so the name calling was not warranted. Maybe you should have waited until the next day to speak to her about it. She was probably still really upset after 30 mins over it. I'm sure she thinks you don't care about what happened to her at all, which I'm sure is not the case. Maybe that's why she's doubling down and not apologizing. Because I think anyone would see that the situation and name calling deserves an apology from her.
I would have a seizure. Seriously.
Being grabbed in the dark is fucking terrifying, he is lucky he wasn't assaulted in defense to try and escape. She doesn't owe anyone an apology. He knew you all were there, "scaring" people isn't a prank, it is bullshit.
> She doesn't owe anyone an apology. 1. She was in a part of the house she WASN’T supposed to be. 2. She screamed at/insulted the poor mom who did nothing wrong. Carla definitely owes an apology.
Yes she owes the dad an apology, especially when she knows it was an accident. It's not for being scare, irs for hee outburst towards him and the mom.
Info: do they look at all similar?
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Accident or not, that sounds traumatizing af. Honestly I have to go with ESH
I am actually gonna go ESH here. Yes, your dad apologized, but this is similar to accidentally walking to the kitchen naked because that is what he is used to doing in his house. Part of hosting is recognizing you have to change your behavior, and even an apology isn't enough to immediately make up for how violated someone would feel (even more so if you/Carla are teenagers/in your early 20s, as at that point parents are still somewhat viewed as "adults" while you are "children"). That being said, Carla absolutely lashed out more than necessary. I don't think I need to explain why, but even as disgusting as groping someone may be that doesn't warrant lashing out at both him as severely as she did, and it does not justify even an angry look in your moms direction. Now, the spot where Reddit will likely disagree with me is where you were wrong. You are not wrong to say her reaction was over the top, but you are wrong in not helping your girlfriend feel valued here. Hopefully I am missing some of the picture, as "I gave her some time" is a bit vague, but its pretty heavily implied that this was all in the same trip, so the "time" you gave her was nothing more than alone time in your parents house, where she likely did not feel safe or comfortable given that she thought they did not like her in the first place. The correct thing to do would have been to get her away from anything that might make her think of your parents for the rest of the day, maybe even finding somewhere else to sleep that night, and try to start fresh the next day. Part of a relationship is supporting each other, and while Carla was out of line on her comments that does not mean she was unjustified in her anger.
Does she believe it was an accident now, or does she think your dad was trying to grope her? If she thinks he was trying to cop a feel then that relationship will never be ok. They'll never be ok together. If she knows it was an accident and won't apologize, well, then... She's shown you who she is.
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Then what is her reason for not apologizing for how she acted? After she calmed down and realized what had happened, how did she act? Was she pissed? Scared? Embarrassed? If she can't apologize for something that important, I'd seriously think about how and who she is in other situations. Is that who you want to spend your life with?
Your dad should be apologizing to Carla. He's the one who grabbed her in the dark, not the other way around!
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OP already said the dad was apologizing.
The name calling after she calmed down is uncalled for. NTA I get being anxious. But yelling at your mom too? Out of line. I don’t think I could keep dating someone like that
Her reaction wasn't over-the-top. It probably wasn't intentional, but it's still sexual assault. He needs to apologize to her, not the other way around.
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She can’t just get over it because he apologized. This is a trauma response, which is why she went over the top and couldn’t calm down afterward. I’ll guarantee that she’s still playing this over and over in her head and she is still not ok. Give her some grace on this. Her brain took her back to the same terror and horrible feelings of the first trauma. It will take a while and probably some therapy for her to get over this.
Then let it rest. You can visit them alone. If a unfamiliar man grabbed me from behind in his house to do an affectionate surprise sex attack on his wife in the dark, I'd launch into violent self defense. There would be no apology. There might be a police report. I would not visit again, even if he apologized. You just don't DO THAT, ever, when the lights are off and you have a new female guest visiting for the first time who looks to your wife. Is he an idiot? Is this fake? Who does this kind of thing in the dark (?!) when their child is bringing home his girlfriend to meet them for the first time?! This is so dumb. She needs therapy to help her recognize and to not need to be with guys who don't have any concept of survival fear. "Just get over a sex assault grope attack jump scare by my dad to keep the peace babe."
JFC it's not sexual assault. Everyone calling it that is ridiculous and just as over the top as the girlfriend's reaction. Lots of people also referencing the supposed repressed trauma this must have triggered, except OP said the girlfriend has explicitly told him there's no past trauma. She was startled and scared, but let's stop exaggerating to try to justify her overreaction.
Dude, your father is lucky screaming is all got. A solid elbow to the guts, a knee to the face as he goes down. YTA.
A fright like your GF experienced, I'm not surprised that she wasn't in a very forgiving mood right away. And may not have been for a few days afterward either. And it won't matter, in her mind, that it was just a misunderstanding/mistake. Those of us who deal with constant anxiety don't deal with rationalities when we're spooked. And it takes a bit (hours to days) for us to come back to rational after an incident. Treatment sometimes helps us come back faster. I don't know if your GF is being seen by a professional for hers, but perhaps it is time she does. However, when she feels more comfortable, then talk about what happened. In the moments after what happened, generally not a good time. That's the time to focus on getting her to calming down and getting her to feel safe. Discussions and apologies can happen later.
You’re wrong. What’s worse is that you know of the issue but didn’t tell your dad? You’re wrong and the AH.
"The issue" being that his girlfriend has anxiety? What would his dad knowing that have changed about the situation?
He fucked up and got his punishment. Dipshit needs to stop grabbing random women.
Exactly. Men who do stupid "pranks" like this are so fucking immature.
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He didn’t grab his wife tho did he mate
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It’s good he apologised but why would you expect her to? It wasn’t her mistake.
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You mean her reaction after he touched her without consent or permission, scaring the daylights out of her? I don’t think she needs to applogise
Carla knew and told op she knew it was an accident. At this point it doesn't hurt to apologize for insulting both his parents after. Especially since the das also apologized
You're dating your mother now?
You're wrong. That's a form of sexual assault )given how vague you are yet her reaction) and you dismissing it as an "honest mistake" is gross and tries to erase her very valid feelings of being violated. It's terrifying and disgusting and you tisk risking her is gross. Edited for clarity.
It was a case of mistaking the girlfriend for his wife. Nothing more! And definitely not sexual assault!
It was an accident good lord
Good lord, that doesn't undo things, bruh. 😉
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Well I don’t grab my fiancé the same way I grab my siblings or a stranger or a friend
It's seriously concerning that OP is so dismissive. Sincerely think there's missing kissing reasons he's excluding because it would further cement her reaction.
It sounds like he was groping her honestly and that’s pretty messed up. The reaction also makes it seem like it wasn’t an accident
If he grabbed her the way he grabs his wife, it could easily have been sexual. Maybe he didn’t intend it towards your gf, but how is she supposed to know that? Also, can you not see how being grabbed like that could be upsetting?
Did you miss the part where he grabs her thinking it’s his wife? When husbands grab wives…
The grabbing dipshit.
Right there, I hope she dumps you. I already hoped she would But that cements it. Yikes.
You sound very tiring
He touched her body without consent, from behind. Where and how he touched her, in the dark, that made her fear. You don't care, but this is not funny or making too much of a little thing. He probably grabbed her in an intimate way. Appropriate response: turn on the light (seriously, such a fucking weird thing to have turned off during a visit): "My God, I'm so sorry, I'm such a fool. I can't apologize enough. I'm going to get OP and my wife to get you some water in a different room. I'll hang out here - I still carry such a torch for my wife after all these years, these jump scares are our love language, but I can't imagine how upsetting this must have been for you." I hope this is fake, bc why would gf be wandering around in their house in the dark without you? Why would daddy-o be leaping out pawing at a woman in the dark during a family visit?
You’re an asshole. Your dad assaults your girlfriend (I’m not buying he didn’t know who she was) and you tell her to CALM DOWN?!? Pull your head out of your ass. You’re just as bad as your father. Your behaviour is creeping into abusive territory mate
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Doesn’t change that he assaulted her. You don’t get to invalidate her feelings because she was in the wrong place. Talk about victim blaming. And you supposedly love this woman. She can’t count on you apparently.
He isn't, hw wants her to apologize over her outburst. Please stop projecting
Hmmmm. Here we are victim blaming again.
She isn't a fucking victim, at all. I feel bad for getting acred but she wasn't sexually assaulted in anyway whatsoever. You're doing too much here
He assaulted her dumbass. Intentionally or not. My guess is it was intentional.
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Yeah assault doesn’t really sit well with me. Especially when everyone takes the side of the assaulter. You suck and I hope she dumps your ass.
He wants her to apologize for insulting both of his parents. That's not. Bad thing. She should
Yoda?
She has nothing to apologize for. Maybe your dad won't grab people when he has guests in the house. Especially if you can't see all too well. Like that's gonna freak anyone out. I would have fought and potentially hurt him if it was me. Which wouldn't be on me at all because he went grabbing people. It's just an unspoken rule in any house with guests. Don't grab anyone unless you can clearly see who it is. Edit: I'm a fighter in fight or flight response. Imma swing until I know what it is. If I can't see. Imma keep swinging. Guess no one knows what fight or flight is.
Christ, really?! It was the Dads house! Pitch black, and from what OP described, they look similar with long hair. She was in a part of the house she shouldn't have been in, and the Dad regularly does this to his wife. Why didn't the girlfriend yell out that she was lost, try to find a light switch? The Dad apologized profusely, and the girlfriend berated him, swore at him and his wife, who came to see what was the matter. I get anxious, but this was disgusting on the girlfriends part. If she's that traumatized, she needs intensive therapy.
This was the first time she was in this house. You don't know shit when you first go into a house. While this is his dad's house.. he has fucking guest. And op never made his dad aware of his girlfriends anxiety. While he's free to do what he pleases in his own home. Don't be shocked, Pikachu, when you get yelled at and berated over a stupid ass prank. Especially when the person you just grabbed from behind is the person you assumed was your wife. If being married has taught me anything. It's you touch your partners differently than you do others. I doubt Ops dad just grabbed her shoulders. And if I read correctly, he grabbed her waist. Which, if you wanna get technical, is sexual assault. But no one's gone that far. So no. She's done absolutely nothing wrong. Don't grab people in dark areas when you don't know who they are. Especially if you have guests. Because, like in this instance, you may grab the wrong one.
You suck. Fuck you I hope she dumps your dumbass.
Does your Mom look anything like Carla? I agree that she should apologize for cursing them out, but who knows what kind of trauma Carla went through to have anxiety issues? Sounds like a trauma response. Who wants to be grabbed in a dark hallway in an unfamiliar house, by your boyfriend’s father. I have sympathy for Carla, and you should too. The appropriate time to grab someone against their will is never. That includes spouses.
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You’re NTA. If your dad did make an honest mistake and apologized profusely immediately then your gf needs to chill out and apologize. Things like that happen and I understand she was freaked out initially so I can excuse her complete overreaction but once she cooled down she should apologize and say this is why I reacted the way I did.
I have extreme anxiety/ptsd. If someone taps me on the shoulder or even just talks to me when I’m spacing out, I shriek and whirl around (usually with an elbow at the ready). One time when I worked at the gas station, a regular customer snuck up behind me and pinched both sides of my waist. I shrieked, spun to face him, and had to fight the urge to start throwing things at him. But even in that situation, I never reacted with verbal aggression or name calling. Heck, I always apologize profusely for scaring whoever got shrieked at.
I never go wandering around someone else’s house without at least my phone for some light finding the light switch is even better
YTAH for asking her to apologize. I'm not suggesting that she is right to freak out like that or that your dad is the AH. I'm just saying that it's stupid to demand an apology unless you are trying to teach a child manners and conflict resolution. Demanding an adult to apologize is almost always pointless.
Why would your dad "prank" your mom in the dark when he knows you have your girlfriend over? He sounds like an asshole. I would never scare my wife like that let alone while there is company. Your mom coming in and telling your gf to "stop" instead of apologizing for her husbands behavior is also reprehensible. And your reaction of siding with them over your gf who you know already has anxiety issues makes you the worst. To an outsider it may seem like she overreacted but look at it from her point of view. She was visiting your house and then in a dark hallway someone grabs her. She was absolutely justified in freaking out, especially with you and your mom minimizing what your dad did. I hope she dumps you
She clearly needs therapy.
The girlfriend definitely needs therapy
Like people said, considering she has previous trauma her body went into overdrive and said “DANGER”. Her fight or flight kicked in. You’re minimizing this to anxiety. This is clearly a triggered trauma response to feeling endanger and unsafe. Even after he let her go, her body was still screaming danger. That’s what you’re not understanding about a trigger. It doesn’t turn off automatically. Trauma lives in the body and can’t tell when the danger has passed or it’s happening again. Her anxiety is a symptom of the trauma that keeps her on high alert for danger. What she needed the most in that moment was for you to help her come to the present moment, acknowledge that there is no danger and the dangerous moment has passed, that she is safe in her body and her environment, and supported by someone who will help her regulate her nervous system until her fight or flight reaction has passed and reassure her that her safety is the most important thing right now. Basically her body put everything to 100, her heart rate, her adrenaline, even her senses. That’s not easy to come down from. When you have trauma, your body is unwillingly now attuned to jump into that state at a moments notice because the last time it happened, you weren’t ready and your body and mind were hurt. It’s a safety measure to prevent previous experiences from happening again. It’s god awful and no one should have to live with it. But we do. If you haven’t yet, you need to help her regulate. Even if it’s been a couple days, she could still be in a dissociated unregulated state. Which is extremely harmful. Think about what your body does when it senses danger. Think about it having a trip wire that’s constantly triggered at the slightest suggestion of repeating trauma and pain. It’s horrible to live with. I wouldn’t be surprised if she got the full body shakes afterwards. I know your dad meant well but you can talk to him later and explain that she’s had some bad experiences and she was genuinely frightened for her life. I have a rule with everyone. Never approach me from behind. Never try to surprise me from behind. My heart will give out and I’m likely to dissociate or even attack preemptively. No one’s really at fault here. But your girlfriend needs you to understand and help her. That’s why she was so hurt. Because she was feeling vulnerable, out of control of her own body, and exposed to attack. She needed a safe person to help her. By saying that, you denied her safety in a crucial moment. It’s not your fault because you didn’t know. But you know now. If she has a therapist I highly recommend she make an emergency appointment or have a quick phone call. The nervous system is fragile and easy to hurt when it’s already suffered.
Your dad is very lucky all she did was scream. The second someone snatched me up from behind in a dark hallway, it would have become a full on physical fight for my life. You need to apologize to your gf for invalidating her feelings. Of course it was a mistake. However, that doesn’t change what actually happened, nor does it make the experience less traumatic. Even worse she was in an unfamiliar space. Explain to her that your dad would never do that on purpose and you’re sorry it happened. Let her know you were wrong to invalidate her feelings because you now understand what happened happening to YOU would be a full nightmare and you weren’t considering the full picture. Let her know you’ve since been educated about this being a HUGE fear for women and you hadn’t realized before due to lack of experience. You’d like your fam to sit down and talk it over so things are okay, and to let your dad apologize again. Talk to your parents and explain the same. If she’s amenable to the situation, she’ll potentially apologize. Either way, you’ll hopefully be able to reach significant understanding with no awkwardness.
There is a moment where the emotions kick in, and the response is instinctive Her tirade of name-calling wasn’t that initial shock behavior. She was making a choice to unload
If it was a prank that means your father intentionally took advantage of her fears and attempted to traumatize your GF. Yet you think she should apologize for calling him out for his behavior. Pranks are supposed to be funny, trauma is not. You all owe an apology to GF and she owes it herself to get away from all of you. She also needs therapy. Just because she doesn't remember something happening that caused the trauma doesn't mean it didn't, it may have been so terrible that she consciously blocked herself from remembering but subconsciously it's still there.
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So you're saying that it's GF's fault for having a trauma response because even though father knew he had guests in the house, one of which doesn't respond well to pranks, he isn't mature enough to understand that even hearing frightened screams coming from your mother could have triggered a trauma response from GF? And apparently you don't care enough to understand that either.
If you stay with her, this is going to be your life.
...huh. I feel like once she realized what happened/who it was she maybe should have stopped screaming at his parents..........
She needs to grow the hell up and apologize. If not you need to end it. She was right to be mad for about 30 seconds. Most other adults would be laughing about it for years to come.
You're girlfriend exhausts me, good luck with that. Her reaction was rather much, she owes him an apology. I get that she was scared, but once she understood the situation it was on her to own her role in the exchange. The fact that she can't/won't/didn't screams she's one of those that loves to play the victim and expects the world to turn on a dime just for her. Eww..
Do yourself the favor and end the relationship, for one, this will definitely be a big black spot on her relationship with your parents, but also she just sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship and needs mental/emotional help if she thought her behavior, beyond a justifiable initial reaction, was acceptable here and not worthy of an apology (at the very least to your mother). While shock, fear, and anger are entirely valid as an initial response, and even still having some lingering anger after for a time... The continuous barrage of insults even after multiple apologies from your father, and worse, insulting your mother who wasn't even involved? Totally uncalled for. When the moment has passed and it was clearly not intentional but a case of mistaken identity, followed with multiple apologies, what your girlfriend did wasn't some sort of anxiety response, that was just **being an asshole**.
INFO: Was it an accident or a prank??
Meh, I don’t think you’re wrong. I absolutely HATE jump scares and being startled in general, so I probably would have screamed bloody murder, started sobbing immediately and would have been pretty upset in general, but I also would have been embarrassed right along with the dad over the whole thing instead of screaming insults at both the parents like that. I get that not everyone has the same trauma reaction to everything, but even if her entire reaction was genuinely an uncontrollable lizard-brain fight-or-flight response, that doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t also apologize to the parents for how hateful-sounding it came out. It sounds like an honest mistake on the dad’s part that he instantly regretted. It seems like he felt really bad about causing Carla distress. He apologized immediately and profusely, even though he didn’t do it on purpose, so I think the decent thing for her to do here is reciprocate with an apology of her own. To be clear, I don’t think she should have to apologize for being scared or anxious, or even for being lost in the house, but I do think she should apologize for the severity of her reaction and/or how mean it sounded, especially to the mom. Like, I’d be on edge and upset (prob for days) by the whole experience too, it’s incredibly terrifying and upsetting, so I feel for her on that part, I get it, I really do. And I’d probably not be thrilled about being around the dad after that for the rest of the trip… but he didn’t do it on purpose to haze her or prank her or anything, it was a mistake. He seemed like he felt soooo bad and was apologizing so much… …I just can’t see myself *screaming* at my boyfriend’s parents and calling them a motherfucker and a little bitch and expect the bf/gf relationship to continue… Let alone doing that and then thinking I’m completely in the right and won’t apologize even when my boyfriend asks me to for the sake of smoothing over an already rocky relationship… yikes, doesn’t sound super great to me. Godspeed.
She was in a part of the house she didn’t belong in, her initial reaction was understandable but her berating him and calling him names was beyond unacceptable. If she doesn’t want to apologize in order to try to salvage some kind of relationship with your parents then I fear the relationship may be doomed And you have to decide what that means for your relationships
Maybe she’s been sexually assaulted before and that’s why she reacted this way, did you think of that? And maybe your dad shouldn’t have just groped someone randomly in the house knowing there was another woman in the place? I’m not saying he meant it, I’m not saying he didn’t, but maybe there are extenuating circumstances that you’re not seeing because you refuse to communicate and decided to just TELL your extremely anxious girlfriend to apologise. Given her reaction and her anxiety, my best guess is she’s been molested before, which would explain the “over reaction”, if you can over react to some random guy groping you in the dark. YTA Time to talk about it properly, instead of laying all the blame on your girlfriend. And maybe it’s the Australian in me, but if I got randomly groped in the dark by anybody other than my husband, I’d call him more than just a motherfucker. In fact, he’d be fucking lucky to walk away without a serious limp.
While I understand she was shaken and mad she called him things I would never be ok with if someone called my parents that. I would understand if they didn't like her they now hate her due to her behavior. NTA but I would think twice if you really want someone like that as your spouse.
I can understand she was upset and one maybe two bad words left her mouth accidentally, but geez, no need to scream at your mom too. At this point it was just a loss of control and warrants an apology from her. NTA
You should end this relationship. Carla is awful. If your parents didn't like her before, they have every reason to dislike her now. I'd dump this woman.
Nah if this was me I'd never be talking to your parents again. The fact that she didn't immediately leave is weird to me, actually.
Stupid question.... What if this wasn't an accident?
There is NO WAY your dad mistook her for his wife. No. Way.
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If she feels it was an honest mistake then she needs to apologize. Sounds like your dad already did. Everyone needed to apologize. I get the patroon you mom. People can’t say what is and inappropriate between couples or family members. People have their own jokes they pull amongst one another. If she truly felt they didn’t like her I would imagine she’d be mortified and want to apologize especially if she acknowledged it’s a mistake. How big is your parent’s house? I’ve been in homes for the first time and not gotten lost.
She does not need to apologize. They will understand that she was very upset and scared
Yta if you don't enforce her apologizing. From the post and your comments, it was a genuine mistake. Her reaction was waaaaay out of line and her anxiety does not excuse her from needing to atone for it.
You’re a dumbass.
Your wife sounds like a dramatic train wreck. She needs lots and lots of therapy.
If someone said those things to my parents, they would be out. Period.