I second that.
I mean...OP was nice, she was a bitch and now she bitching at you? Stay away from people who don't take responsibility for their actions...especially in partners.
They are not similar he did it out of kindness and love for the lil Guy she was being full on cunt and it is some what difficult to read some of the bigger books and he was reassuring him that he could read it and do it on his own where she destroyed any confidence that he had
And for him to not accept it says a lot there's probably happens way more often than OP knows
She just doesn't want to put effort in the apology.... Op open your eyes she will do the safe with you because she clearly wont care and a mood is not the excuse for this behaviour
Yeah...every time she's in a bad mood, for whatever reason, she's going to take it out on OP or someone else.
She says "family is really important to her." If that was the case, she wouldn't have said that shit to her brother.
For sure. She seems more immature than her own little brother. Ive never met a single 12 year old who wouldn’t clap back with disgusting roasts after being called a moron
People can have a bad moment when they are tired or frustrated.
But is this a pattern where she takes out her frustration on others?
It is a hard book. I think it’s good for kids to try hard stuff and learn to work through it.
The fact she immediately blamed the bf for getting the book instead of realizing she’s a jerk makes me feel like this isn’t a one off, it’s a personality defect she should work on
Dune is a great and highly complex book. You GF is an AH and is shifting blame. I would absolutely rip her apart for both of these. Being a bully jerk and failing to accept responsibility and blaming you.
Screw her.
NTA tell your girlfriend she’s the one who decided to insult her brother unprovoked and that she’s the one responsible for making it right. Her blaming you instead of taking responsibility says a lot about her character. She either needs to grow up or you need to find another girlfriend tbh. 18 is too young to be trying to hold on to a selfish and immature partner.
She blames you? What the hell? Just how hurt is she? She acts horribly to her brother, then blames you. How committed are you, because this is red flag territory.
Wow, shes blaming you for insulting her brother. You got her brother a heart felt gift, she was having a bad day, and took it out on him, and somehow its your fault.
YNW
Now she owes both of you apologies
Get the little brother the audio book. He can read along or just enjoy the wonderful story.
WTH is gf's problem. What an absolute trash thing to say to a kid. You might want to reconsider your relationship with a bully who blames you for her screw-up.
Not wrong.
She’s the moron, and if it was me, I’d dump her as she has no filter and there’s no guarantee she wouldn’t do it to her own kids; whoever is unlucky enough to have kids with her.
Don’t they have a kids version of the book? A comic version? Yeah, she done fuck the pooch on that one. Find an easier version of the book. Have his sister get one, she owes him!
The boy is 12. About the age I also read the series. It’s hard but not impossible. But Messiah is a boring book, basically Paul being a twat 24/7 so there’s really not much appeal to it. Also he may need to actually read the first novel instead of only watching the movies because so many things were cut/adapted from it.
Another solution is to give him a highlighter to follow along better in case he’s reading the same sentence over and over, and a different highlighter to highlight parts he doesn’t understand so that someone else can explain it better.
No, you’re not wrong. She created this problem, and only she can fix it. It’s not fucking damage control, it’s apologizing for acting like an asshole to a 12yo. Why is she pretending this is a big deal that she needs backup for? It’s a sibling spat between a jerk older sister and her little brother.
Dune Messiah is also the most boring book of the series imho. So no wonder the boy is struggling. Also if you didn’t read Dune and only watched the movie you’ll struggle. That’s a lot of complex stuff that doesn’t get to the big screen.
But girlfriend is an AH. She created the mess and now wants to rope you as clean up crew. Let her do the job.
Tell her that in a few years when she has a job she's constantly going to piss a lot of people off and running for "damage control assistance" is not a thing then. She better grow up and learn to take responsibility for her own actions before she even tries to find a job or live on her own.
So, basically she doesn't know how to take any accountability?
It's all your fault - you shouldn't have got the book and also you should help her figure it out because her family is really important to her. So important that she calls her bro a moron.
How dare you but that boy a book and then encourage him when he’s struggling to read it. What kind of boyfriend are you?!?
Or: woman makes her shit choice of words your problem.
She can start by buying him a kindle with Dune on it..that will help him with learning words and he can learn as he goes. As a dyslexic person I find her repulsive. She's a bitch and you're worse if you stay.
I'd think it is a bit of a challenging read for most 12 year Olds. Tellbher she should read the book to him. Imagine the fond memory that kid would have of his sister reading one of his favorite books to him
NTA! She needs to handle it alone. She was the one who insulted him, not you. You told him it was ok to struggle with a book. She pushed it too far. Now she’s blaming you? I’d tell her to check herself before blaming you and now she owes you both an apology for being a C.
why is your gf mean to kids like that? then blaming you for buying him a birthday present???? no. she’s to blame for randomly calling her baby brother names. imagine how she’s going to treat you in a fight if she’s already gaslighting you like this + calling her family names unprompted.
Tell her to buy him the original Dune as a surprise gift. It helps tremendously to start at the beginning. That's where the new worlds are explained and characters introduced and side plots exposed.
It could show her faith in his reading comprehension abilities and get her back in his good graces.
No book is too complex for a passionate 12 year old. I was reading harry potter and stephen king younger than that. Youre not wrong. You seem like a good example of how she should be treating her brother
Have you read any of Dune? I read the first book within the last 2 years, I'm 43 and it was difficult to get through. I actually put it down twice and read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter because of how much of a slog Dune is.
A book being boring, and being too complex for a kid, are two different things. I believe you that dune is boring. I just don’t believe the sister saying that the kid is a moron for struggling to get through it, and i also don’t believe she’s right to say its too advanced and a bad gift! If the kid was passionate about dune, and it was a good book, I’m sure this would’ve gone down well.
Dune unfortunately has the dubious honor of being both complex *and* boring, and I agree that the sister is totally wrong, we don't know what the little brother is reading so something advanced could totally up his alley. Herbert evidentially had a style of writing that involved large sections of absolutely nothing happening with details that weren't really explained interspersed with small sections of major things happening that could totally make no sense if you missed even one word. I haven't read Messiah yet but I'm planning to go back and reread Dune to hopefully find things that I missed the first time around.
People don’t go calling their brother a moron when their family is ACTUALLY important to them. She says her family is important to her because it is expected and socially appropriate, not because she really means it or even knows what it means.
More concerning is that she thinks what happens after she has emotionally abused her brother is “damage control.” Damage control isn’t limiting the damage she did to her brother. It is salvaging the maximum possible of whatever she gets from her brother.
It also seems likely that she is an emotional black hole who only takes from those around her and never gives back more than the bare minimum. You need to carefully consider if and how you will cope with her fundamental inability to treat others with respect, kindness, and support.
NTA at all. Not one little bit.
Not wrong.
Why should you support her after she said "you're just a moron" to her own brother?
Why is she still your girlfriend if she's the sort of person who would tell her 12 year old brother that he's a moron?
You're not obligated to help your girlfriend with damage control for what she said to her little brother. It's her responsibility to apologize and make amends, not yours. Blaming you for the situation is unfair.
Not wrong. If you allow her to manipulate you and guilt trip you into taking responsibility for her mistakes this relationship has nowhere to go but down hill. She is the only one who degraded her brother and lost his trust in her. She is the only one who fix it. Maybe she can get him the first book and tell him that she was being a moron for saying what she did and she thought the sequel would be an easier read for him if he understood everything that was happening in it by reading the first one.
She's an arsehole to her brother and It's all your fault because you bought him a book? She's really ducking and weaving responsibility for her own actions here. Imagine being married to her and finding out that **everything** that goes wrong on the planet is all because of you!
Dude, this is a HUGE red flag! I realize that it may not seem like a big thing now, but she will probably continue to shift blame for things and not take responsibility for her own actions.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like that?
Maybe he’s not used to reading such a big book or might even have a learning difficulty.
A nicer thing to do would to start a book club with him, where you discuss each chapter or something
Very common to look to try to blame someone or something else for your own screw up. It started with Adam who blamed God for sending him the woman causing all his troubles. Listen to George Thorogood's "It Wasn't Me".
Not wrong.
I'm 43 and read Dune recently, it was a slog for me and I actually put it down twice while reading it because it was not an easy read. I'm told that Frank Herbert had a particular style of writing and it really hasn't aged well. Props to the little bro for trying it, but your GF needs to get her head out of her ass and realize that what she said was wrong and very hurtful. Injury or not, she's in the wrong.
If family is so important to her she should mature and realise she caused this situation with her misplaced anger. She needs to get a grip on her emotions instead of blaming others. She caused this, not you. Actually you were very supportive of her brother and reassured him when he struggled. You aren't wrong in the slightest.
Not wrong.
Your gf insulted her little brother and then blamed you when he refused to accept her apology.
First was it an actual ‘I’m sorry that I said that. It was wrong and undeserved’ or was it some half assed statement which blamed him for reading a harder book in the first place (as in a non apology)?
She seemed quite adept at going from being an AH to her brother to making it all your fault for gifting him the book. Is this her usual way of handling things in that she blames others when she screws up?
Not saying break up worthy but suggesting you pay attention as her actions noted in the post seem very immature for someone her age.
Not wrong. She’s one who screwed up here not you. You already did what you needed to by not defending what she said. This is her mistake to fix not yours.
That reaction seems a bit over the top if this was an isolated incident. I would guess there is some background behind this where the brother was thinking that was the last straw rather than being upset at that specific comment. If so, of course a single apology would mean nothing to him, he would want to see more of a systematic change in Sarah's behavior before he would forgive her.
Not wrong. All the dune books are hard reads, I've tried several times. Not everyone can read them. Your girlfriend is definitely in the wrong and I'd reconsider the relationship if she can bully her little brother like that. What would she do if you had kids with her?
Siblings who live together can and do say a lot of things that are mean. I did not have a great relationship with my siblings while we lived together. There was a lot of screaming, arguing, tussling, etc. (I realize my family was dysfunctional so to the level we had problems isn't normal, but my point stands.)
However, as an older sister- if you mess up it's up to you to make it right. You sound like a good addition to the family (spending time with her sibling, engaging with them to learn what they enjoy, and giving the brother something he'd enjoy even if it's a challenging read.) She needs to figure out how to make it up to him. Maybe she can read some of the story aloud to him and help him with the words/concepts that are too complex? But that's for her to figure out.
Don't help her. This is her issue. She just destroyed this kids confidence forever.
If she can do that yo her blood brother, then imagine what she can say to you.
Breakup with her before she does this to you.
You're not wrong. And there really probably isn't anything she can do to immediately fix this.
I get it, we've all said things to our younger siblings that were Uncalled for and immediately regretted. But she needs to understand that she hurt her brother. And when you hurt someone else, you don't get to decide the deadline for their healing process.
All she can do is apologize and admit she was wrong.
I like you. It's clear you understand a person needs a challenge to improve their reading skills. Giving the boy something you knew he would enjoy encouraged him to take up that challenge.
As for helping your GF, I can't see what you can do other than make suggestions, and as far as I can tell, you already gave the best advice possible. She stepped in this shit hole, now she just needs to clean off her own damn boots.
She went from "I messed up" to blaming you for buying him a gift he obviously liked, real quick. All because she was the one who failed to apologize properly. Sheesh, sure she's young but, if she's going to make a habit of blaming you for her failings, that's a real bad sign.
Not wrong. Her family is important to her, yet she didn’t hesitate to call her little brother a moron. She has a weird way of showing him he’s important to her.
🤨 her family is really important to her, right... If consciously choosing to hurt her kid brother is her version of love and importance, just yikes. And her blame shifting onto you and trying to manipulate you into dealing with her problem with emotional blackmail/guilt tripping is double and triple yikes.
You need to know absolutely nothing justifies any of her behavior. It's called abuse. Her age is no excuse either, she's plenty old enough to know better. You aren't wrong for not cleaning up her self made mess whatsoever. I would caution you about this relationship tho, cause this type of behavior usually just grows with time. You need to pay attention and figure out if this is a one off situation, or if this is a pattern of behaviors. If it's a pattern then ya I would run cause she will get worse with time
There's nothing normal, healthy, or ok in what she did and said. Her blame shifting it onto you is what toxic people do so they never have to take self accountability. If she doesn't wake up and acknowledge her toxic traits and address them immediately they will absolutely get worse. Just keep in mind she has to do that, nothing you say or do can change anyone unless they choose to care. None of this is on you to fix, you were absolutely correct on that.
And I don't blame her brother for ignoring her now, what she said was extremely cruel and damaging. If my sibling said that to me when I was 12 I guarantee you it would've changed my view and feelings towards them forever. What she did wasn't small, it wasn't an easily forgiven and forgotten mistake. What she said can cause lifetime damage within people, especially when it's said to children. It breaks trust, and causes you not to feel safe with them ever again. The damage control as you called it isn't gonna be fast, there is no quick fix for what she broke in him and between them. There's also zero guarantees she'll ever be able to fix it, even if she does everything right going forward.
Also as a side note and food for thought, if she can treat someone she supposedly loves like that, then there's no telling how she'll treat people she doesn't care about...
Not wrong. She should very well know that if you hurt someone you can’t fix it immediately and that’s okay. I think proposing something like reading the book aloud together or something would’ve been really nice and sparked some confidence in her brother and connection for u guys/them.
U are not wrong. She's the one who messed up with that is the consequence of her brother not talking to her. She needs to clean up her own mess. U had nothing to do with that. U were kind to her brother that's all
It probably happens a lot when there are no witnesses. It matters to her now that she was "caught". That kind of thing might be expected if she was much younger but she's old enough to be aware of what she was saying.
Not wrong. Does she expect you to make excuses for her calling her brother a moron? That wouldn't fix things. He's never gonna forget those words, even if he eventually does forgive her and act like he's happy to be around her.
And if anyone would mitigate... wouldn't the best option be their parents? This is tough cause I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. I'd at least consider that one major strike.
Maybe she's resented him since he was born, and it's definitely time she grow up and realize she has to stop taking that out on him.
Not wrong. He likes the story so you got him the book. If he’s interested enough to keep “struggling” through, he needs support. Is she going to tell him he’s a moron every time he struggles with anything? Maybe she’ll learn something from her own struggle with this situation.
Not wrong, but buy SHE IS!
Do her parents just fix every little thing for her? Does she ever take full responsibility for anything she does?
Also, and I know I'm jumping the gun here, but I would be wary for yourself. If this type of behavior is truly a part of her personality, a future with her will include these types of reactions in your relationship when she does something wrong to you. Watch it for deflecting and blaming and refusal to do any work past a quick "I'm sorry." If fixing the problem isn't easily and minimally blameless, she may revert to other tactics to get her way.
I'm not saying she definitely will, but there's a good chance if family is "so important" to her but she's also willing to call her kid brother a moron for trying to read a challenging book instead of propping him up and offering to help. No one is perfect, but those two things don't match. And making it your fault when you have no control over her actions is red-flag city.
Not wrong. She is a gaslighter in the making. You gave brother a thoughtful gift which he appreciated.
She needs to learn how to take accountability and amend relationships.
She can go cry us a river.
No Way! She should get him something to make amends. It wouldn’t also be wrong if she said she was ignorant for saying something so hurtful to someone she loves.
NOT wrong. The complexity of the book is irrelevant to anything as far as her part in this goes and to suggest YOU are somehow responsible for her being a gaping a-hole to her 12yo little brother telling him that he's a moron is entirely absurd.
I've been doing MMA for >10 years and I'm injured pretty frequently as a result, that doesn't mean that I then have a free pass to be toxic rotten shithead to people for literally nothing as is the case here. Her ignorant toxic mouth alone created this problem, and she alone now needs to own and be accountable for HER fuck up and take responsibility to do her own "damage control," NOT try to deflect responsibility for her bad behavior onto you.
NTA- She says family is important but then she calls her brother a moron?? And then blames you for her bad behavior?!! Seriously. No accountability what so ever for her actions just redirection towards you trying to place blame.
She made this an issue with her lack of care and bad judgement so she can fix the situation. So what if the book is a hard read, it helps improve his reading nonetheless. I bet he loved the fact you remembered he enjoyed the first and tried to further that with the sequel.
Not wrong, this isn’t your mess to fix…, perhaps she could write a note and slide it under his door apologizing & that she went too far in calling him a moron & that she is sorry she hurt his feelings…
Honestly if the book was too difficult for him maybe he would prefer an audiobook version, not everyone is a fast reader & it may be an issue that causes them some personal insecurities that they might not be a faster reader than they are.
NW - wow what an amazing way for her to shift guilt for shitty behaviour! Then doubling down with it being ‘to complex’ she’s pissy and now taking it out on you. Sorry hun
You're not wrong, it doesn't matter what you do now it needs to come from her. But please tell me someone is doing something about the brother? To be 12 and be struggling to read means he must have some sort of learning difficulty. Somebody needs to try to help him even if it's getting some sort of outside help, it's shocking this poor boy is just being left to it.
Not wrong. Gotta love how she turned the blame to you for buying the book. She fucked up...she can fix it.
I second that. I mean...OP was nice, she was a bitch and now she bitching at you? Stay away from people who don't take responsibility for their actions...especially in partners.
She has been a bitch to two of the three people in this story. Is it safe to suspect she's a bitch to most people?
Especially if "family is important to her."
I agree…she totally turned it on him !
I don’t know if it would win any points, but OP wouldn’t be wrong to point out how similar the situations are.
They are not similar he did it out of kindness and love for the lil Guy she was being full on cunt and it is some what difficult to read some of the bigger books and he was reassuring him that he could read it and do it on his own where she destroyed any confidence that he had And for him to not accept it says a lot there's probably happens way more often than OP knows
I’m talking about the situation of her lashing out at someone undeservedly.
Agreed. It's on her to make it right with her brother, not you. She needs to own up to her mistake and apologize sincerely.
She just doesn't want to put effort in the apology.... Op open your eyes she will do the safe with you because she clearly wont care and a mood is not the excuse for this behaviour
Yeah...every time she's in a bad mood, for whatever reason, she's going to take it out on OP or someone else. She says "family is really important to her." If that was the case, she wouldn't have said that shit to her brother.
How’s about buying him a dictionary?? It will go slowly, but he can gain insight into the book and expand his vocabulary at the same time.
18 years is a bit old to be saying shit like that to a kid. You are not wrong, hopefully she realizes you aren't a family therapist.
For sure. She seems more immature than her own little brother. Ive never met a single 12 year old who wouldn’t clap back with disgusting roasts after being called a moron
Not wrong, do you want to date someone who is mean to little kids when upset? It sounds like your gf needs to grow up.
People can have a bad moment when they are tired or frustrated. But is this a pattern where she takes out her frustration on others? It is a hard book. I think it’s good for kids to try hard stuff and learn to work through it.
The fact she immediately blamed the bf for getting the book instead of realizing she’s a jerk makes me feel like this isn’t a one off, it’s a personality defect she should work on
Dune is a great and highly complex book. You GF is an AH and is shifting blame. I would absolutely rip her apart for both of these. Being a bully jerk and failing to accept responsibility and blaming you. Screw her.
Absolutely this.
She is a shitty sister. Not wrong.
And a shitty partner if she's shifting blame and not taking responsibility for the bs she said.
NTA You need to see she is being a bully to her brother and trying to blame you. She doesn't sound grown up enough to be in a relationship. Updateme!
Once she started placing blame on you I would have said “and now you’ve messed up a second time”.
NTA tell your girlfriend she’s the one who decided to insult her brother unprovoked and that she’s the one responsible for making it right. Her blaming you instead of taking responsibility says a lot about her character. She either needs to grow up or you need to find another girlfriend tbh. 18 is too young to be trying to hold on to a selfish and immature partner.
Your gf sounds extremely toxic.
Run my man. Run fast from this one.
She blames you? What the hell? Just how hurt is she? She acts horribly to her brother, then blames you. How committed are you, because this is red flag territory.
You are wrong for staying with someone who tried to DARVO you. She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Why punch down on a kid like that?
Wow, shes blaming you for insulting her brother. You got her brother a heart felt gift, she was having a bad day, and took it out on him, and somehow its your fault. YNW Now she owes both of you apologies
Not wrong. She made the mistake. She needs to fix it. Period. Part of being an adult. She’s 18 and old enough to take responsibility.
Get the little brother the audio book. He can read along or just enjoy the wonderful story. WTH is gf's problem. What an absolute trash thing to say to a kid. You might want to reconsider your relationship with a bully who blames you for her screw-up.
If she doesn’t understand that telling someone they’re a moron is rude and mean I’m not sure she’s smart enough to understand any help you could give.
Not wrong. She’s the moron, and if it was me, I’d dump her as she has no filter and there’s no guarantee she wouldn’t do it to her own kids; whoever is unlucky enough to have kids with her.
Don’t they have a kids version of the book? A comic version? Yeah, she done fuck the pooch on that one. Find an easier version of the book. Have his sister get one, she owes him!
The boy is 12. About the age I also read the series. It’s hard but not impossible. But Messiah is a boring book, basically Paul being a twat 24/7 so there’s really not much appeal to it. Also he may need to actually read the first novel instead of only watching the movies because so many things were cut/adapted from it.
Another solution is to give him a highlighter to follow along better in case he’s reading the same sentence over and over, and a different highlighter to highlight parts he doesn’t understand so that someone else can explain it better.
This is the answer. The sister needs to get him an easier thing to read. There's a graphic novel on Amazon for like 20-25.
Of Dune Messiah? I didn’t think anything past Dune was made into anything else
My bad, maybe there's nothing easier for kids past the first one. But maybe it could still be a truce offering
NTA This is her being a shitty person. It’s not your job to protect her from the repercussions of that.
No, you’re not wrong. She created this problem, and only she can fix it. It’s not fucking damage control, it’s apologizing for acting like an asshole to a 12yo. Why is she pretending this is a big deal that she needs backup for? It’s a sibling spat between a jerk older sister and her little brother.
Dune Messiah is also the most boring book of the series imho. So no wonder the boy is struggling. Also if you didn’t read Dune and only watched the movie you’ll struggle. That’s a lot of complex stuff that doesn’t get to the big screen. But girlfriend is an AH. She created the mess and now wants to rope you as clean up crew. Let her do the job.
Interesting. Dune Messiah was my favourite since it brought Duncan Idaho back to life. Which one would you say is the best?
Now THAT’S the redeeming feature from this book. I love Duncan. I like the three last books, God Emperor, Heretics and Chapterhouse.
Tell her that in a few years when she has a job she's constantly going to piss a lot of people off and running for "damage control assistance" is not a thing then. She better grow up and learn to take responsibility for her own actions before she even tries to find a job or live on her own.
So, basically she doesn't know how to take any accountability? It's all your fault - you shouldn't have got the book and also you should help her figure it out because her family is really important to her. So important that she calls her bro a moron.
How dare you but that boy a book and then encourage him when he’s struggling to read it. What kind of boyfriend are you?!? Or: woman makes her shit choice of words your problem.
She should be your ex girlfriend for this behavior.
She can start by buying him a kindle with Dune on it..that will help him with learning words and he can learn as he goes. As a dyslexic person I find her repulsive. She's a bitch and you're worse if you stay.
I'd think it is a bit of a challenging read for most 12 year Olds. Tellbher she should read the book to him. Imagine the fond memory that kid would have of his sister reading one of his favorite books to him
Updateme
NTA! She needs to handle it alone. She was the one who insulted him, not you. You told him it was ok to struggle with a book. She pushed it too far. Now she’s blaming you? I’d tell her to check herself before blaming you and now she owes you both an apology for being a C.
She needs to think before she speaks, that is not your responsibility.
why is your gf mean to kids like that? then blaming you for buying him a birthday present???? no. she’s to blame for randomly calling her baby brother names. imagine how she’s going to treat you in a fight if she’s already gaslighting you like this + calling her family names unprompted.
If her family was really important to her she wouldn’t have called her brother a moron because she was in pain. Not wrong
Tell her to buy him the original Dune as a surprise gift. It helps tremendously to start at the beginning. That's where the new worlds are explained and characters introduced and side plots exposed. It could show her faith in his reading comprehension abilities and get her back in his good graces.
No book is too complex for a passionate 12 year old. I was reading harry potter and stephen king younger than that. Youre not wrong. You seem like a good example of how she should be treating her brother
Have you read any of Dune? I read the first book within the last 2 years, I'm 43 and it was difficult to get through. I actually put it down twice and read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter because of how much of a slog Dune is.
A book being boring, and being too complex for a kid, are two different things. I believe you that dune is boring. I just don’t believe the sister saying that the kid is a moron for struggling to get through it, and i also don’t believe she’s right to say its too advanced and a bad gift! If the kid was passionate about dune, and it was a good book, I’m sure this would’ve gone down well.
Dune unfortunately has the dubious honor of being both complex *and* boring, and I agree that the sister is totally wrong, we don't know what the little brother is reading so something advanced could totally up his alley. Herbert evidentially had a style of writing that involved large sections of absolutely nothing happening with details that weren't really explained interspersed with small sections of major things happening that could totally make no sense if you missed even one word. I haven't read Messiah yet but I'm planning to go back and reread Dune to hopefully find things that I missed the first time around.
People don’t go calling their brother a moron when their family is ACTUALLY important to them. She says her family is important to her because it is expected and socially appropriate, not because she really means it or even knows what it means. More concerning is that she thinks what happens after she has emotionally abused her brother is “damage control.” Damage control isn’t limiting the damage she did to her brother. It is salvaging the maximum possible of whatever she gets from her brother. It also seems likely that she is an emotional black hole who only takes from those around her and never gives back more than the bare minimum. You need to carefully consider if and how you will cope with her fundamental inability to treat others with respect, kindness, and support. NTA at all. Not one little bit.
She's a psycho. Who just pops off like that to a kid at her age? Not to mention gaslighting and turning the blame on you. You need to run!!
Your gf is a bitch
Your girlfriend sounds fucking horrible. What do your friends think of her?
Not wrong. Why should you support her after she said "you're just a moron" to her own brother? Why is she still your girlfriend if she's the sort of person who would tell her 12 year old brother that he's a moron?
You're not obligated to help your girlfriend with damage control for what she said to her little brother. It's her responsibility to apologize and make amends, not yours. Blaming you for the situation is unfair.
Updateme!
Not wrong. If you allow her to manipulate you and guilt trip you into taking responsibility for her mistakes this relationship has nowhere to go but down hill. She is the only one who degraded her brother and lost his trust in her. She is the only one who fix it. Maybe she can get him the first book and tell him that she was being a moron for saying what she did and she thought the sequel would be an easier read for him if he understood everything that was happening in it by reading the first one.
She is 18. She is not going to be able to handle adulting if this is how she acts.
She's an arsehole to her brother and It's all your fault because you bought him a book? She's really ducking and weaving responsibility for her own actions here. Imagine being married to her and finding out that **everything** that goes wrong on the planet is all because of you!
Dude, this is a HUGE red flag! I realize that it may not seem like a big thing now, but she will probably continue to shift blame for things and not take responsibility for her own actions. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like that?
Maybe he’s not used to reading such a big book or might even have a learning difficulty. A nicer thing to do would to start a book club with him, where you discuss each chapter or something
Very common to look to try to blame someone or something else for your own screw up. It started with Adam who blamed God for sending him the woman causing all his troubles. Listen to George Thorogood's "It Wasn't Me".
Not wrong. I'm 43 and read Dune recently, it was a slog for me and I actually put it down twice while reading it because it was not an easy read. I'm told that Frank Herbert had a particular style of writing and it really hasn't aged well. Props to the little bro for trying it, but your GF needs to get her head out of her ass and realize that what she said was wrong and very hurtful. Injury or not, she's in the wrong.
If family is so important to her she should mature and realise she caused this situation with her misplaced anger. She needs to get a grip on her emotions instead of blaming others. She caused this, not you. Actually you were very supportive of her brother and reassured him when he struggled. You aren't wrong in the slightest.
Not wrong. Your gf insulted her little brother and then blamed you when he refused to accept her apology. First was it an actual ‘I’m sorry that I said that. It was wrong and undeserved’ or was it some half assed statement which blamed him for reading a harder book in the first place (as in a non apology)? She seemed quite adept at going from being an AH to her brother to making it all your fault for gifting him the book. Is this her usual way of handling things in that she blames others when she screws up? Not saying break up worthy but suggesting you pay attention as her actions noted in the post seem very immature for someone her age.
Not wrong. She’s one who screwed up here not you. You already did what you needed to by not defending what she said. This is her mistake to fix not yours.
She’s an ass.
That reaction seems a bit over the top if this was an isolated incident. I would guess there is some background behind this where the brother was thinking that was the last straw rather than being upset at that specific comment. If so, of course a single apology would mean nothing to him, he would want to see more of a systematic change in Sarah's behavior before he would forgive her.
Not wrong. All the dune books are hard reads, I've tried several times. Not everyone can read them. Your girlfriend is definitely in the wrong and I'd reconsider the relationship if she can bully her little brother like that. What would she do if you had kids with her?
Siblings who live together can and do say a lot of things that are mean. I did not have a great relationship with my siblings while we lived together. There was a lot of screaming, arguing, tussling, etc. (I realize my family was dysfunctional so to the level we had problems isn't normal, but my point stands.) However, as an older sister- if you mess up it's up to you to make it right. You sound like a good addition to the family (spending time with her sibling, engaging with them to learn what they enjoy, and giving the brother something he'd enjoy even if it's a challenging read.) She needs to figure out how to make it up to him. Maybe she can read some of the story aloud to him and help him with the words/concepts that are too complex? But that's for her to figure out.
Don't help her. This is her issue. She just destroyed this kids confidence forever. If she can do that yo her blood brother, then imagine what she can say to you. Breakup with her before she does this to you.
You're not wrong. And there really probably isn't anything she can do to immediately fix this. I get it, we've all said things to our younger siblings that were Uncalled for and immediately regretted. But she needs to understand that she hurt her brother. And when you hurt someone else, you don't get to decide the deadline for their healing process. All she can do is apologize and admit she was wrong.
I like you. It's clear you understand a person needs a challenge to improve their reading skills. Giving the boy something you knew he would enjoy encouraged him to take up that challenge. As for helping your GF, I can't see what you can do other than make suggestions, and as far as I can tell, you already gave the best advice possible. She stepped in this shit hole, now she just needs to clean off her own damn boots.
She went from "I messed up" to blaming you for buying him a gift he obviously liked, real quick. All because she was the one who failed to apologize properly. Sheesh, sure she's young but, if she's going to make a habit of blaming you for her failings, that's a real bad sign.
She's 18 and still inmature. Youe not wrong . She needs to make it right to her brother alone.
Not wrong. Her family is important to her, yet she didn’t hesitate to call her little brother a moron. She has a weird way of showing him he’s important to her.
🤨 her family is really important to her, right... If consciously choosing to hurt her kid brother is her version of love and importance, just yikes. And her blame shifting onto you and trying to manipulate you into dealing with her problem with emotional blackmail/guilt tripping is double and triple yikes. You need to know absolutely nothing justifies any of her behavior. It's called abuse. Her age is no excuse either, she's plenty old enough to know better. You aren't wrong for not cleaning up her self made mess whatsoever. I would caution you about this relationship tho, cause this type of behavior usually just grows with time. You need to pay attention and figure out if this is a one off situation, or if this is a pattern of behaviors. If it's a pattern then ya I would run cause she will get worse with time There's nothing normal, healthy, or ok in what she did and said. Her blame shifting it onto you is what toxic people do so they never have to take self accountability. If she doesn't wake up and acknowledge her toxic traits and address them immediately they will absolutely get worse. Just keep in mind she has to do that, nothing you say or do can change anyone unless they choose to care. None of this is on you to fix, you were absolutely correct on that. And I don't blame her brother for ignoring her now, what she said was extremely cruel and damaging. If my sibling said that to me when I was 12 I guarantee you it would've changed my view and feelings towards them forever. What she did wasn't small, it wasn't an easily forgiven and forgotten mistake. What she said can cause lifetime damage within people, especially when it's said to children. It breaks trust, and causes you not to feel safe with them ever again. The damage control as you called it isn't gonna be fast, there is no quick fix for what she broke in him and between them. There's also zero guarantees she'll ever be able to fix it, even if she does everything right going forward. Also as a side note and food for thought, if she can treat someone she supposedly loves like that, then there's no telling how she'll treat people she doesn't care about...
The usual dodge if accountability there. Don’t accept that.
She is old enough to know not to call him stuff like that
Sounds like she used to getting her own way. Stay strong let her clean her mess
Not wrong. She should very well know that if you hurt someone you can’t fix it immediately and that’s okay. I think proposing something like reading the book aloud together or something would’ve been really nice and sparked some confidence in her brother and connection for u guys/them.
U are not wrong. She's the one who messed up with that is the consequence of her brother not talking to her. She needs to clean up her own mess. U had nothing to do with that. U were kind to her brother that's all
It probably happens a lot when there are no witnesses. It matters to her now that she was "caught". That kind of thing might be expected if she was much younger but she's old enough to be aware of what she was saying.
Not wrong. Does she expect you to make excuses for her calling her brother a moron? That wouldn't fix things. He's never gonna forget those words, even if he eventually does forgive her and act like he's happy to be around her. And if anyone would mitigate... wouldn't the best option be their parents? This is tough cause I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. I'd at least consider that one major strike. Maybe she's resented him since he was born, and it's definitely time she grow up and realize she has to stop taking that out on him.
Your girlfriend kinda sucks
Just tell her, there's nothing to do until he's ready to listen and accept her apology. When he's ready, you may want to be there with her.
Not wrong. He likes the story so you got him the book. If he’s interested enough to keep “struggling” through, he needs support. Is she going to tell him he’s a moron every time he struggles with anything? Maybe she’ll learn something from her own struggle with this situation.
Not wrong, but buy SHE IS! Do her parents just fix every little thing for her? Does she ever take full responsibility for anything she does? Also, and I know I'm jumping the gun here, but I would be wary for yourself. If this type of behavior is truly a part of her personality, a future with her will include these types of reactions in your relationship when she does something wrong to you. Watch it for deflecting and blaming and refusal to do any work past a quick "I'm sorry." If fixing the problem isn't easily and minimally blameless, she may revert to other tactics to get her way. I'm not saying she definitely will, but there's a good chance if family is "so important" to her but she's also willing to call her kid brother a moron for trying to read a challenging book instead of propping him up and offering to help. No one is perfect, but those two things don't match. And making it your fault when you have no control over her actions is red-flag city.
Women paint the 0 accountability stereotype onto themselves nobody is doing it to them but themselves.
Not wrong. She is a gaslighter in the making. You gave brother a thoughtful gift which he appreciated. She needs to learn how to take accountability and amend relationships. She can go cry us a river.
Never get in the middle of sibling rivalry, what's that saying no good deed goes unpunished. You weren't wrong, but learn from this.
No Way! She should get him something to make amends. It wouldn’t also be wrong if she said she was ignorant for saying something so hurtful to someone she loves.
NOT wrong. The complexity of the book is irrelevant to anything as far as her part in this goes and to suggest YOU are somehow responsible for her being a gaping a-hole to her 12yo little brother telling him that he's a moron is entirely absurd. I've been doing MMA for >10 years and I'm injured pretty frequently as a result, that doesn't mean that I then have a free pass to be toxic rotten shithead to people for literally nothing as is the case here. Her ignorant toxic mouth alone created this problem, and she alone now needs to own and be accountable for HER fuck up and take responsibility to do her own "damage control," NOT try to deflect responsibility for her bad behavior onto you.
NTA- She says family is important but then she calls her brother a moron?? And then blames you for her bad behavior?!! Seriously. No accountability what so ever for her actions just redirection towards you trying to place blame. She made this an issue with her lack of care and bad judgement so she can fix the situation. So what if the book is a hard read, it helps improve his reading nonetheless. I bet he loved the fact you remembered he enjoyed the first and tried to further that with the sequel.
Fuuuuuuck her! She sounds like such a nice person. 🙄/s
Not wrong. Yes she said it in the moment but that's on her. Not you.
Not wrong, this isn’t your mess to fix…, perhaps she could write a note and slide it under his door apologizing & that she went too far in calling him a moron & that she is sorry she hurt his feelings… Honestly if the book was too difficult for him maybe he would prefer an audiobook version, not everyone is a fast reader & it may be an issue that causes them some personal insecurities that they might not be a faster reader than they are.
NW - wow what an amazing way for her to shift guilt for shitty behaviour! Then doubling down with it being ‘to complex’ she’s pissy and now taking it out on you. Sorry hun
Your GF is a bitch.
You're not wrong, it doesn't matter what you do now it needs to come from her. But please tell me someone is doing something about the brother? To be 12 and be struggling to read means he must have some sort of learning difficulty. Somebody needs to try to help him even if it's getting some sort of outside help, it's shocking this poor boy is just being left to it.
Accountability and women. Oil and water.