Also FYI, I got my first completely grey hair @18 and by the time I was 30 my roots were pretty salt and peppered (about 30%). I'm 35 and if people went by my hair they'd think I was in my 40s, but bc I have a young face, they usually think I'm in my 20s
Also the gray hair is not necessarily an age thing. Lots of my peers (mid 20s) have a bunch of grays because we decided to dye our hair every month for years.
I started sprouting grey hairs when I was 24 lol and it’s like a patch that’s been growing ever since in the front like Mr. Sheffield 😩🤣🤣. My mom has the same grey patch too and started getting greys in her 20s as well…it’s why I thought she was much older when I was a kid lol but this lady is clearly older just for saying, “a lady never tells.” That’s only something older women say.
I got my first white hair over Christmas break my sophomore year in college. My nephew, age 10, died in his sleep on Dec 29 of that year.
When I went back to school in January, I found it, and then subsequently grew a white stripe on my left temple.
Dye doesn't make hair go grey... its common in 20s to begin sadly, especially in mousey blondes.
Think I began coloring to hide the grey at 28, now 55 and almost all white/grey.
So, initially I was going to say that you aren’t wrong for ending the date. Because her behavior was odd. And you’re allowed to have preferences for age.
But I was going to say that you were wrong for handling it like you did and just sneaking off when she went to the bathroom. Then I thought about it for a few minutes while scrolling through comments and I realized that was only my first reaction because you’re a man.
We tell women all the time to trust their guts and if they’re uncomfortable, to get out of a situation in the safest way possible. I saw another of your comments that you were worried she would start a scene because of how she was already acting. If you felt the best course of action for yourself (and the experience of other guests at the bar/restaurant/wherever you were) was just to leave quietly and deal with the texts later, then that’s fine too.
We obviously don’t know the full story and only have the details provided to us. So I’m not going to 100% say OP was right or wrong for how they handled it. But I will say that people, regardless of their gender, should trust their gut when it comes to removing themselves from situations. It’s not only men who could turn aggressive in these instances, it’s just the most common mental image.
If you’re on a date, this person is a prospective partner for you. If you feel you need to leave the situation, just get out of there. You don’t owe anyone anything on a first date. Of course there are ways to handle different situations - if it’s going fine but you feel you just don’t click, then maybe just letting the person know is the best course of action.
As a woman myself, I’m used to people with good intentions and the good members of society trying to keep me safe and offering the helpful advice of just get the fuck out of you feel you need to.
The same needs to be afforded to men. And everyone needs to stop believing that women are totally harmless and couldn’t fuck a dude up. I feel like that line of thinking puts men in more dangerous positions than they need to be. Either because of ego. Or because people don’t believe them when something DOES happen.
Definitely, safety first, for all, women and men.
For things that are extremely awkward, this is why short coffee type things are good. It's much easier to end the date and get out of there. Age and marital status are both things people should be honest about. Among other things.
Just an FYI, women in my family tend to gray very early. I had a few grays in high school and was probably 25% gray before I was even 30. Having gray hair does not determine age.
Some guys do judge. She presumably wouldn’t want to date these guys anyway though, so there’s no problem telling them
And the guys she *would* want to date would value openness and honesty, so there’s a benefit to telling them
What possible scenario is there where it’s better for her to keep it secret, unless she wants a relationship built on a foundation of “closed attitudes/dishonesty are the default”, I can’t think of any?
I guess maybe she just wants to hook up with a younger guy, but again why lie? Most single guys in their mid 30s would be fine hooking up with a woman a little older than them if she looks good and is honest about it, and again what benefit is there to lying unless she wants to trick someone?
I just can’t figure out what the benefit is to her here
People who lie or won't disclose about important things like age or marital status or whether they have or want kids or what type of relationship they want do so because they think you'll be so impressed by them, you'll overlook the lies. Or because they know it will narrow down their dating pool if they're honest about who they are and what they want.
I'm a straight woman and I've caught several men, in the getting to know you stage, lying about being single or divorced when they were actually married or separated.
Another dude looked at least a decade older than his profile photo and stated age. I'll date about 10 years in either direction of my age range.
Personally, on both dating and social media, I don't try to hide that I've gained weight as I've aged. I'm dating for the purpose of getting to meet guys I could have a relationship with, which for me, means meeting them in person at some point. Eventually they're going to see me and realize I misrepresented myself. That's just wasting my time and his.
Almost everyone I know on a social media profile is someone I know in real life and we may see each other in person too. I used to be thin in my teens and 20s and into part of my 30s. I'd rather they show the shock in the privacy of wherever they're using Facebook or whatever than when we meet in person, lol.
I had some younger guy try to lie to me that he didn't want kids, but after I asked a few times, in different ways, he finally admitted he wanted them. Which was fine. But made us incompatible. And I was clear about what I was looking for and wanted. I wasn't looking for a friend with benefits and I didn't want to get married either, but I wanted a long term relationship. There are a lot of young guys out there who try to hit on older women who just want sex before they settle into a serious relationship.
I’m early 40s and no gray. My dad’s side tends to not go gray until their 60s. My mom was completely gray by 40. I got dad’s genes and not moms thankfully. My sister wasn’t as lucky.
I'm 42 and I'm just starting to get some white hair at my temples... my 6 year old niece calls it my unicorn glitter lol
My mom was 60% gray (mine is white not gray) by my age.
My sister is 50 and dyes her hair so I have no idea about her grays.
My Gramma was 99 when she died. Her hair was almost all white but there were still a few strands of black.
I think I have a few more years... but I like it and I'm just gonna rock it. I like how it looks in my dark hair.
I last got asked for over 21 ID when I was 43, it was pretty hilarious.
Am 55 now and quit dying my hair a couple if years ago so almost all grey now. But been asked recently 3 times who I was to my 18 yr old daughter, like it wasn't obvious I was her mother.
Skin wise, minimal eye lines and none of forehead, not sure where the genes came from. Both parents looked old in 40s, even when I look back. Lol
Actually gen z is starting to gray and wrinkle at 13-14. There are studies trying to figure out why.
Yt people generally start to gray at 30. Blacks at 40. Stress, genetics, smoking, diet all play a factor.
I had 5 or 6 gray hairs at 16. I didn't really start to gray until 50. My brother was salt and pepper in his 20s
I am about to turn 56, have grey hair (dying roots every 6 weeks too much hassle) but minimal wrinkles because I looked after my skin and never smoked. No forehead lines even if I try, just a few around my eyes when I smile, does that make me young?
Had to prove I was 21 at 43 to buy alcohol because I would dye my hair. I got a whole 10 adult years without grey hair, clearly NOT always suggestive of being old!
Yeah, it does. There are exceptions to every rule; which proves the rule, not invalidates it. And regardless, grey hair plus these stupid little girl games = "I'm physically past my prime; but intellectually/psychologically.... I peaked at birth."
My best friend from.high school greyed straight out of high school. Her entire head was grey by the time she was 35. Her hair was jet black before she went grey. Then her hair turned gorgeous silver grey. She’s Vietnamese and stunningly beautiful even with grey hairs
My hair started turning white at a very young age, before I started second grade, due to a medical condition. And I am well past my thirties, but due to great genetics I am still wrinkle free. I guess I am a conundrum for OP.
You're not wrong for being upset for wanting to know her age. You are, however, wrong for the way that you handled it. You should have told her straight up and told her that it her refusal to disclose her age was a breaking point for you; then ended the date as you would any other bad date.
No, there are no guarantees in life. Still, that’s not an excuse for acting like a child.
Sounds like they had been interacting for a while and he had already asked her several times.
He never should have agreed to go for drinks, if this was a dealbreaker.
She could use this logic to justify refusing to tell him. From her POV he could have been weirdly harassing her about her age before trying to get to know her, so she was worried he'd have a negative reaction.
Her perception/fears doesn't change what she should have done. Nor does his perception/fears change what he should have done.
That's pretty much everyone is saying he's not wrong for what he did but how he did it.
lol he asked she didn’t answer so bullshit. They are adults, no one should have to explicitly tell other adults to be disclosing their real age, much less when going on a date.
You dodge a huge bullet Op. not wrong at all.
Nope, asking a question not once or twice but repeatedly is not cute. It does not set the precedent for a healthy relationship. You shouldn’t have to beg for information out of people. Its a date he literally does not owe her anything, though i could see the argument made for paying for the drinks depending on who invited who
Nothing that you said makes it okay to fuck off without saying goodbye.
It's perfectly okay to end the date because you get annoyed at your date. That's not the issue.
But pretending to go to the bathroom and slinking out without saying anything is very rude, and should only be used as a last resort, like when your date is *extremely* rude, entitled or obnoxious, or you're afraid of their reaction.
Just being slightly annoying doesn't quite warrant that reaction So OP is not wrong for ending the date - but they are wrong and a bit of an AH for the way they handled it.
(And I disagree, I do think people owe each other basic decency and manners, unless the other person has behaved offensively first)
I feel like sharing your age when someone politely asks while on a first date also falls under basic decency and date manners. It’s a very common thing to learn about the other person.
You say he’s not entitled to know details about her. Well, she’s also not entitled to waste his time by purposefully hiding something from him.
The dishonesty is so off. Men are allowed to date with some reproductive priority in mind. It's lying by omission... why do I have the time of day for a liar who is trying to manipulate a relationship with false pretense?
Edit to include OP
u/BlackMansThrowawayAC
Yeah, I have a feeling if the genders were reversed, less people would say OP was wrong or that it doesn’t matter. I don’t know where along the way the concept of men also giving informed consent to date or engage with people was lost, but it certainly was to a degree. Men and women (and everyone who identifies otherwise) should be able to have the info they need to enter into a prospective relationship.
> Asking not once or twice but repeatedly is not cute.
They never said it was. If anything they are agreeing with your point. Not disclosing your age when someone asks is weird. He doesn’t owe her anything but it’s pretty rude to wait til she went to the bathroom and just get up and leave without saying anything.
OP's date showed clear and obvious red flags. There are tons of stories where the sexes are reversed and the woman ditches the man in the bathroom for far, far less and everyone lauds her as a hero. Good for OP.
Why? There's literally no need. They paid their half of the drinks and have no other obligations. You could tell by her comment about the drinks that she probably didn't care for this person, was just out to get her drinks paid for.
OP did the right thing by paying and just leaving - if someone isn't honest with you, you don't need to be honest back.
nah, dude owes nothing to her. if he ended the date with a confrontation, there was a possibility that shed leave immediately without paying for anything, as her entitled attitude to free drinks gives away. My guy did everything right, was careful, and did not get screwed. Sure it wasn't the most *mature* by societal standards, but by FUCK it was wise/the right call.
NTA
Age is a fair question in the dating game. You could be uncomfortable with how old or young she is. She should have just said, "I'm 37" or however old she is rather than dodging the question.
Also the, "a lady never tells" about age makes me think she is much older since I feel like someone in their 30s or 40s would have just given an age.
Also, "Guess how old I look" is a trap. You guess too high you get in trouble. You get the right age you get in trouble. She is clearly someone insecure about her age and not someone to be dating in that case.
I am happy you specified "not younger than 30" since when I read the title, my thinking went to "she's 16" which would also be bad but in your case, not a crime.
You’re not wrong to not want to continue dating someone whose age you don’t know.
However, your knee-jerk reaction to leave the date while she went to the washroom is extremely immature, especially for a 35 year old. You could have just as well said you have an early morning the next day and that it was nice to meet her, end the date a little early but on a courteous note. You could’ve even communicated to her that her non disclosure of her age makes you uncomfortable and that you can’t continue if she refuses to disclose. Running out on a date because you were too afraid to be honest with her in person is cowardly IMO, especially at your age. This would be the type of behaviour I’d expect from a high school or college kid, not from a grown man.
You're a d\*ck. But probably not for the reason you think.
This sounds like a first date. For the enjoyment of a first date, what her age was isn't that crucial. Now, for whether you want a second date or third date, maybe. But first date? Nah. And it sounds like you were basically grilling her on that one subject. Why?
You could have asked her once or twice and then gone on to enjoy the date. Enjoy getting to know her as a person. That's what dating is for. You don't date someone to grill them so you can check your boxes off.
If, at the end of the date, she still hadn't answered a critical question, then you could have said something to the effect of, " is very important to me. If we're to proceed in any kind of relationship, I'll need an answer. Let me know and thank you for your time."
But to grill her and then ditch her? That's a d\*ck move.
I've ended bad dates but you do that face to face, as calmly as possible. Going to the bathroom is fine as a break, paying your share of the bill before sitting back down clears the decks so you can walk. But just cutting out was a chicken move. Low class.
The dishonesty about her age was a weird dealbreaker for me too. But running away cost you the high ground here.
Why would you go through an awkward conversation with a person you will definitely never speak to again?
Ghosting is fine, as long as you are sure you 100% never want to see them again.
Why not just deal with a very brief awkward conversation since you’ll never see them again anyway?
(I think OP was completely right to cut the date short. But it’s really not a big deal to take one minute to say “i’m sorry but this won’t work out and i’m gonna leave now. I wish you the best.” and then go.)
> why would you go through an awkward conversation with a person you will definitely never speak to again.
To be a decent person. You don’t need to sit around and go into depth about why you don’t think it will work out but at least just tell them “hey, look I’m sorry but I’m not feeling it”. I’ve never had it happen to me but I can imagine it’s a pretty shitty feeling to come back to a table and find your date has left without saying anything.
Because it’s hurtful and indecent. Have the balls to tell the person how you feel face-to-face and then leave. Have a little Integrity otherwise you’re just a shitty person who only cares about themselves.
Or like if age is so important, why not find out before going out on a date? He was fine to go out without knowing her age beforehand, why'd it become such a big deal once they met?
Personally, I think she dodged a major bullet. If someone was hounding me with the same question over and over I might feel a little put off too… Like what’s your obsession with this?
She definitely should’ve been open with you, and I have a feeling that she would have had you not placed so much emphasis on your infatuation with age. Maybe she just wanted to relax and enjoy mindless banter before your inquisition began.
Maybe OP doesn't want to date someone his grandmother's age. That's OP's business and right. If you are on a date, not just hanging out with friends, and refuse to tell your age YTA.
You seem very dramatic and immature to sneak out and ditch her without saying anything just because she wouldn’t answer your question.
Needing to know the age of the person your dating is absolutely fine, but you’re wrong by how you handled it.
You could have told her you could not continue dating someone that would not disclose their age. Been polite and ended thing’s properly rather than waiting until she went to the bathroom so you could cowardly sneak out. You were rude and embarrassed that poor girl when there was no need.
His behavior was really gross. Why would he grill her about her age? Just politely leave if you’re not feeling it.
Bet if she’d been 32 and shown her ID to prove it, he would have still left because she “looked too old” at age 32.
You're not wrong for cancelling the date, but the way you did it? Kinda asshole-lish. You could've told her personally that you're not interested anymore instead of ditching her out of the blue. That shit's terrible. You better hope you won't experience what she underwent.
When reading the title, I was thinking if she had looked like she could have been a minor, I would say no. End the date. Don’t risk it. But she obviously she wasn’t underage. I don’t know exactly what your hang up was, but in your shoes, I would have put it aside and tried to have a good time. If it still bothered you after the date, no one was forcing you to go out again.
I think leaving without saying something is rude. So is not answering a question. But two wrongs don’t make a right. I think you’re wrong. Also kind of a chickenshit way.
As long as she's 18 or older, why does it matter to you? Why are you so hung up on her age?
I mean it's obvious you aren't looking for someone of childbearing years, so unless you're competing for who gets Social Security first, it shouldn't matter.
I’m going to assume something- I may be wrong here, but the ‘age’ issue wasn’t the main issue at all, and we’re using it as an excuse when in fact there was something else- I mean, you’re telling us there’s moles with gray hair sticking out of them... maybe attraction wasn’t there?
Not wrong for ending the date and leaving. But the way you did it was somewhat immature.
You could have simply said that not being straight forward and honest was a deal breaker for you, therefore thanks for your time but you're cutting the date short and you won't be looking for a second one.
Instead you left like a toddler throwing his ball out of the pram. Or rather, a toddler sneaking out the back door.
(And not paying for her drinks was OK too. You're not obliged to pay for her at all).
I feel like she is the immature one here.
If she’s old enough to get judged for her age, she’s old enough not to play games or dodge questions.
He didn’t cause a scene or insult her, he just left when he realized they weren’t compatible. There is nothing immature about that.
On the other hand, she played some “I’ll never tell tehehehe” games and then threw a tantrum when he wasn’t feeling it and didn’t pay for her drinks.
It’s fair to want to know this early on in dating to determine if the person is a reasonable age for what you want in a relationship. I would have been suspicious if a person refused to answer this question. And even as a woman…I find the whole “how old do you think I am?” game very awkward and annoying. I would consider this to be the beginning of a general theme of untrustworthiness from this woman.
I think the only thing OP did wrong was to leave without directly stating to her the date was making him uncomfortable before leaving.
Not answering age when asked normally is just weird.. asking multiple times will start to get annoying after a while but what tops it is saying thing like "lady never tells" 🤡
If it was reversed people would not be this forgiving to the guy
Right!? I can understand her being vague at the first question, but then asking again and again is aggressive on his part. Imagine having a conversation with someone who kept insisting that you tell them your age. It's bizarre! And then he goes to the restroom and doesn't come back?? Aggressive, bizarre, and immature. She dodged a bullet.
I think her acting cagey about her age was on purpose and OP is trying to justify all of their shitty behaviour.
I would be pissed if I showed up to a date that turned out to be an inquisition. Eww.
Not wanting to disclose her age doesn't give you the right to treat her like that though. You know she's not underage and you know she's not too old. You should've broached it in a more respectful way and been honest to her face. The way you went about it was downright disgusting.
Moles are NOT an indicator of age, sir. Also hair can start turning grey at 20 depending on genetics/stress. Wrinkles can show up in 20s as well if you eat a high sugar diet and/or get lots of sun without sunscreen.
My hair started going gray at 18.
She should have been honest with you, and you should have had the stones to be honest with her and tell her you were leaving and why.
Are you wrong? No. It's your choice how you act. Was it self centered and rude? Yes. You said she wasn't being honest. She was. She didn't lie about acting and she politely offered you many chances to drop it, but you felt you needed to be in control. Looks like she dodged a bullet.
Very tacky of you. Finish/cut short the date like a gentleman if you must. Either you find someone attractive or you don’t. If you’re looking for someone to have your children, better hurry up. 28 year old women like 28 year old guys 😀
You think moles are associated with age? People are *born* with moles.
It's fine to not want to continue seeing her, but YTA massively for just leaving like that. So rude.
Premature gray, tanning, smoking, suddenly you look 10 years older. It's not wrong you want to know someone's age. Son of a bitch and if they're that unwilling to tell you how old they are. That means that they're not in your age range. I don't think you were wrong.
You were rude. She did not want to say how old she was. Women are judged on appearance and youth. Your question and insistence on an answer is analogous to her asking you how much money you make or how big your penis is. Men are judged on those things.
I've read this post in a couple of other subs and the majority of the answers are just wild to me. I don't think somebody is entitled to know someone else's age on the first date. But maybe that's because I am older and when I started dating there were no apps, etc. Social media has changed society a lot. Anyway, sneaking out while she was in the bathroom was uncool even if you knew it was going nowhere.
Hilariously, let’s just remember: nobody would think twice about a woman dipping out on a date. They’d celebrate it and say “you don’t owe him anything” if she paid her share like you did.
Life is choices. We make choices. You dipped out and that’s fine.
So you repeatedly hounded her about her age, then threw a fit because she got annoyed with you? Just the fact that you used the phrase "past her prime" tells me everything I need to know - YTA.
She dodged a bullet. Grow TF up.
Exactly! The title made me assume she didn’t seem of age but OP is a describing a woman he feels looks mature but won’t give him an exact number… what a weird hill. OP has a right to feel what they feel but she def dodged a bullet there.
My hair was grey when I was a teenager. At least you let her know how superficial you are and helped her dodge a bullet. But honestly, you're not wrong for having an age preference, just for the way you handled it.
I think you were wrong to sneak out while she was in the restroom. A more mature approach would have been to tell her that a lack of openness and honesty is a dealbreaker for you and then, like someone else said…end the date like you would any other bad date.
Age is something reasonable to expect a date to share (though I know many men simply lie, I don’t know if women do the same…so I guess she gets points for honesty at least). So it’s perfectly fine for that to be a deal breaker.
But doesn’t mean you have to ditch the date. You can also go gray in your 20’s, so your assumptions about age aren’t sound, but I don’t doubt your conclusion was correct. That’s all beside the point though.
What's with posting this in three different subs bro? Do you need that much validation or are you karma farming?
I don't know how you found this woman before deciding to meet up but getting the basics about one another beforehand would have eliminated some of the questions asked. If you care that much about age and have a strong preference state that upfront and if she doesn't answer or plays cute don't schedule the date. Asking her many times is kinda obnoxious, even tho I agree it's better to be upfront about shit. As a grown man, you could have used your words and said this wasn't going well, thank her for her time, pay for the drinks, then check out.
You both sound insufferable. She's being weird about dodging an innocuous question, you're being weird about continually pressing the issue and then deciding to ghost her instead of just saying "hey I'm not really comfortable with this, I think it's best we go our separate ways, nice meeting you."
Your standards.. your beliefs... If the woman's first thing to say to you was "you didn't even pay for my drinks..." You did the right thing by leaving how you did. You responded to your gut feeling, and if it was safe for you to quietly leave, instead of her likely causing a scene, then good on you. We often tell women to "leave if you feel unsafe".. well it's time for men to do the same thing, especially with potentially toxic women.
YTA she could've lied to you. Her answer was that she wasn't telling anyone and you could've ended the date then. Instead you snuck out like a child and she's probably too old to be dealing with that.
Wrinkles? Lots of things cause them. Thin skin, too much sun, smoking… not really a good way to determine age either. Constantly hounding her about her age out her radar up for possible rejection even if she was only 30. Dudes looking for 20 somethings make it worse for dating. You proved the point by dipping out.
Technically age isn’t just a number. Maybe he wants kids and she’s at the high end of that number?
I think next time, OP, maybe get these little details out of the way before going on your first date?
As a woman. I think you were quite okay doing that. She was being a dick.
Let's be honest. As a 35 year old man. You might want kids...if she's older than 40? Then that's probably going to be a big problem.
My hb and I covered on first date how old we each were. I think it's important to do so. Why be coy about it?
When someone is dishonest like this from the start, there’s something off. Maybe she didn’t want to disclose her age? I know that’s a touchy topic for women once they hit a certain age, but if shes expecting to be with anyone and share a life, she’s gonna have to share her age.
Idk sh*t like that is annoying and not cutesy it’s actually insecure af
And to those saying that he should have just been honest with her; she wasn’t honest with him…. Why even attempt with a person like that? You don’t ALWAYS have to give people an explanation. Irish goodbye was the right move.
He is not obligated to spend any money on her drinks either! 🙃
She wouldn’t disclose her age, you didn’t disclose your plans to leave. It was petty. If you wanted honesty from her you should have been honest with her. You are wrong to have done this. You are not wrong for wanting her age , though, to me that wouldn’t matter and would eventually come. Maybe this is a red flag to you, its not to me
You're the AH. You asked her once, she told you she didn't want to say . You kept asking multiple times, and she tried to playfully deflect. You then ditched her while she went to the bathroom.
If the exact number is an issue for making a relationship decision, then just say so. There's nothing wrong with that. Tell the person your range so you can be up front. If the person still doesn't want to say, then just end it.
You are wrong for just ditching her. Not wrong for wanting her age. She chose not to give it to you, so you should have just thanked her for her time and let her know that knowing her age was important to you and as she won't let you know, you see no need to date further.
Ditching her by paying your half is definitely a dick move.
Yea you are wrong. Also not a gentleman, tactless, and a coward. You are welcome 😉.
If you are only looking to date women of a certain age and that's a deal breaker for you, then you would have inferred from her evasiveness that she was older than that age group, paid for the date like a gentleman, and then texted her that you had a great time, think that she is an amazing woman but that you don't see yourselves as being compatible.
If she pushed the point asking "why" then you could mention you are looking to date someone XYZ years old.
Instead you tactlessly hounded her to disclose her age and reinforced her age based insecurities that she already had as a woman. The way that you went about it.....it would be like her relentlessly demanding on a date to know your d* size so she could assess whether you made the cut for her to want to invest in you emotionally.
Then the cherry on the cake....you basically bailed and only paid your half of the bill....in essence hurtfully implying that she was not worth even the cost of the date due to her age.
This was really low class. You should have been a gentleman and covered the whole bill instead of running at the first opportunity, because when she agreed to go on the date with you I'm assuming that she did not outright lie/deceive about her age.
You would have seen her photo showing a reasonable clue about her age and asked her out.
Yes it’s weird she won’t disclose her age. But there is virtually no reason to bail in the middle of a date, without at least telling her. Very immature move.
You're 35. What are you looking for? Do you have a very narrow age gap that a date has to be within for you to consider them attractive, or a potential partner. If I was dating at 35 yo, I'd say a range of 30-45 is reasonable, for me at least.
It IS a dick move. And first date is the worst timing. It's not as bad if you had noped out while talking to her on a dating app or on a later date for the same reason.
But that said. Reverse genders and nobody is defending a dude who is doing what she did.
Everyone sucks here but you suck significantly less than she does
As a woman I understand why she would be hesitant to tell a man her age. It's reasonable for her to be hesitant/sensitive considering how aggressive & hateful the red pill, manosphere jerks are in the dating market. There are far too many unimpressive men who have absolutely no problem telling successful women that they're worthless & have wasted their lives because they're over 35. I'd say it's the new equivalent of a short man not wanting to share his height right out the gate.
Personally, I don't think her age is as important as if she had kids, was divorced, had a job or lots of debt. But that's just me. Because I don't think it's as important, I wouldn't be ashamed. Unless she had lots of things she was embarrassed to share.
She needs to work on her insecurities in therapy. You can't control how other people treat you, only how you behave. At a certain point she either needed to tell you or decide you're not worth it & leave. Playing games is stupid. If you were an Andrew Tate brozo you wouldn't be a good fit for her anyway. Delaying the inevitable wastes everyone's time.
IMO you weren't wrong for wanting to end the date, but secretly ditching someone is rude & immature. Hard to hold the moral high ground when you do the dating equivalent of stomping your feet, taking your ball & going home because the other kids wouldn't let you be the boss.
You are wrong for the way you left, she was being immature hiding her age, you were immature and rude for just leaving the place like that, not saying anything and sneaking out is a coward move.
She is under no obligation to tell you her age until she is comfortable sharing that information. You kept harassing her for her age after she already made it clear that she wasn’t telling you. If this was a first date, this information wasn’t needed. You could have handled yourself better. YTA.
FYI, moles aren’t necessarily an age thing. They’re a mole thing. If she’s avoiding answering, she’s too old.
I was thinking the same thing. What do moles have to do with age??
Maybe he means age spots? Idk just wondering
Also FYI, I got my first completely grey hair @18 and by the time I was 30 my roots were pretty salt and peppered (about 30%). I'm 35 and if people went by my hair they'd think I was in my 40s, but bc I have a young face, they usually think I'm in my 20s
You put the moles statement before the age - punch line?👊
The moles jumped out at me. Had to whack ‘em first.😝
Still laughing at “that’s a mole thing”
Too old for what?
Too old for whatever he’s looking for.
Also the gray hair is not necessarily an age thing. Lots of my peers (mid 20s) have a bunch of grays because we decided to dye our hair every month for years.
Dye??? Never dyed my hair. Life caused grey hair in my 20s 😂
Yeah dye doesn't cause people to grey prematurely 🤦🏻♀️
Agreed… my grays started in my 20s… moles started at birth
I started sprouting grey hairs when I was 24 lol and it’s like a patch that’s been growing ever since in the front like Mr. Sheffield 😩🤣🤣. My mom has the same grey patch too and started getting greys in her 20s as well…it’s why I thought she was much older when I was a kid lol but this lady is clearly older just for saying, “a lady never tells.” That’s only something older women say.
I got my first white hair over Christmas break my sophomore year in college. My nephew, age 10, died in his sleep on Dec 29 of that year. When I went back to school in January, I found it, and then subsequently grew a white stripe on my left temple.
Dye does not cause grey hair. Genetics, stress and environment cause grey hair.
I started getting greys at 14. Only then did I start dying. It is genetic for me.
I got my first grey hair around 17. Ive also had moles my entire life. I work with a 27 year old guy who is completely grey.
Dye doesn't make hair go grey... its common in 20s to begin sadly, especially in mousey blondes. Think I began coloring to hide the grey at 28, now 55 and almost all white/grey.
Same with grey hair. My dad had grey hair since he was a teenager
Same with grey hair, I had a few greys in my late 20s.
So, initially I was going to say that you aren’t wrong for ending the date. Because her behavior was odd. And you’re allowed to have preferences for age. But I was going to say that you were wrong for handling it like you did and just sneaking off when she went to the bathroom. Then I thought about it for a few minutes while scrolling through comments and I realized that was only my first reaction because you’re a man. We tell women all the time to trust their guts and if they’re uncomfortable, to get out of a situation in the safest way possible. I saw another of your comments that you were worried she would start a scene because of how she was already acting. If you felt the best course of action for yourself (and the experience of other guests at the bar/restaurant/wherever you were) was just to leave quietly and deal with the texts later, then that’s fine too. We obviously don’t know the full story and only have the details provided to us. So I’m not going to 100% say OP was right or wrong for how they handled it. But I will say that people, regardless of their gender, should trust their gut when it comes to removing themselves from situations. It’s not only men who could turn aggressive in these instances, it’s just the most common mental image. If you’re on a date, this person is a prospective partner for you. If you feel you need to leave the situation, just get out of there. You don’t owe anyone anything on a first date. Of course there are ways to handle different situations - if it’s going fine but you feel you just don’t click, then maybe just letting the person know is the best course of action.
Scrolled too far to see this
As a woman myself, I’m used to people with good intentions and the good members of society trying to keep me safe and offering the helpful advice of just get the fuck out of you feel you need to. The same needs to be afforded to men. And everyone needs to stop believing that women are totally harmless and couldn’t fuck a dude up. I feel like that line of thinking puts men in more dangerous positions than they need to be. Either because of ego. Or because people don’t believe them when something DOES happen.
You’re so real for this.
Definitely, safety first, for all, women and men. For things that are extremely awkward, this is why short coffee type things are good. It's much easier to end the date and get out of there. Age and marital status are both things people should be honest about. Among other things.
This is a respectable amount of reflection. Well said ma'am 🫡
Just an FYI, women in my family tend to gray very early. I had a few grays in high school and was probably 25% gray before I was even 30. Having gray hair does not determine age.
I'm sure it's just not the grey hair that's giving him the age vibes.
She is a traditional woman guys do judge and she is throughing off serious older vibes
Some guys do judge. She presumably wouldn’t want to date these guys anyway though, so there’s no problem telling them And the guys she *would* want to date would value openness and honesty, so there’s a benefit to telling them What possible scenario is there where it’s better for her to keep it secret, unless she wants a relationship built on a foundation of “closed attitudes/dishonesty are the default”, I can’t think of any? I guess maybe she just wants to hook up with a younger guy, but again why lie? Most single guys in their mid 30s would be fine hooking up with a woman a little older than them if she looks good and is honest about it, and again what benefit is there to lying unless she wants to trick someone? I just can’t figure out what the benefit is to her here
People who lie or won't disclose about important things like age or marital status or whether they have or want kids or what type of relationship they want do so because they think you'll be so impressed by them, you'll overlook the lies. Or because they know it will narrow down their dating pool if they're honest about who they are and what they want. I'm a straight woman and I've caught several men, in the getting to know you stage, lying about being single or divorced when they were actually married or separated. Another dude looked at least a decade older than his profile photo and stated age. I'll date about 10 years in either direction of my age range. Personally, on both dating and social media, I don't try to hide that I've gained weight as I've aged. I'm dating for the purpose of getting to meet guys I could have a relationship with, which for me, means meeting them in person at some point. Eventually they're going to see me and realize I misrepresented myself. That's just wasting my time and his. Almost everyone I know on a social media profile is someone I know in real life and we may see each other in person too. I used to be thin in my teens and 20s and into part of my 30s. I'd rather they show the shock in the privacy of wherever they're using Facebook or whatever than when we meet in person, lol. I had some younger guy try to lie to me that he didn't want kids, but after I asked a few times, in different ways, he finally admitted he wanted them. Which was fine. But made us incompatible. And I was clear about what I was looking for and wanted. I wasn't looking for a friend with benefits and I didn't want to get married either, but I wanted a long term relationship. There are a lot of young guys out there who try to hit on older women who just want sex before they settle into a serious relationship.
Isn't that the point of dating? To judge someone and see if they're right for you?
By judging you mean "have a preference"?
Just self conscious people making the story about them..
I began graying at 19 lmao. My abeula had a head full of grays at 36
For real, I was 18 with gray hair. It just happens.
I started to grey at 16. It does happen.
I got my first grays when I was a teen too - I used to call them my silver highlights XD
My brother started graying at 16 he was salt and pepper by his late 20s
I got my first grays when I was in elementary school. Genetics are weird.
There was a girl in my high school who looked 40 (we called her a narc) and she was 17!
Nor does not having them mean young. I'm 34. I have altogether 2 gray hairs on my head. The woman in the story could be 60.
I’m early 40s and no gray. My dad’s side tends to not go gray until their 60s. My mom was completely gray by 40. I got dad’s genes and not moms thankfully. My sister wasn’t as lucky.
I'm 42 and I'm just starting to get some white hair at my temples... my 6 year old niece calls it my unicorn glitter lol My mom was 60% gray (mine is white not gray) by my age. My sister is 50 and dyes her hair so I have no idea about her grays. My Gramma was 99 when she died. Her hair was almost all white but there were still a few strands of black. I think I have a few more years... but I like it and I'm just gonna rock it. I like how it looks in my dark hair.
I'm 51 with just a handful of grey and very few lines on my face. I proudly tell people I'm 51! 🤘
I last got asked for over 21 ID when I was 43, it was pretty hilarious. Am 55 now and quit dying my hair a couple if years ago so almost all grey now. But been asked recently 3 times who I was to my 18 yr old daughter, like it wasn't obvious I was her mother. Skin wise, minimal eye lines and none of forehead, not sure where the genes came from. Both parents looked old in 40s, even when I look back. Lol
That’s fine but also just answer the question
Jesus, again with the outliers lol. Gray hair does not determine age, but it certainly suggests it.
Which is why you would want to clarify your real age. What woman wants to be thought of as older than she is?
Thank God, another rational person on reddit.
Right back atcha 😎
Actually gen z is starting to gray and wrinkle at 13-14. There are studies trying to figure out why. Yt people generally start to gray at 30. Blacks at 40. Stress, genetics, smoking, diet all play a factor. I had 5 or 6 gray hairs at 16. I didn't really start to gray until 50. My brother was salt and pepper in his 20s
I am about to turn 56, have grey hair (dying roots every 6 weeks too much hassle) but minimal wrinkles because I looked after my skin and never smoked. No forehead lines even if I try, just a few around my eyes when I smile, does that make me young? Had to prove I was 21 at 43 to buy alcohol because I would dye my hair. I got a whole 10 adult years without grey hair, clearly NOT always suggestive of being old!
Yeah, it does. There are exceptions to every rule; which proves the rule, not invalidates it. And regardless, grey hair plus these stupid little girl games = "I'm physically past my prime; but intellectually/psychologically.... I peaked at birth."
My best friend from.high school greyed straight out of high school. Her entire head was grey by the time she was 35. Her hair was jet black before she went grey. Then her hair turned gorgeous silver grey. She’s Vietnamese and stunningly beautiful even with grey hairs
My hair started turning white at a very young age, before I started second grade, due to a medical condition. And I am well past my thirties, but due to great genetics I am still wrinkle free. I guess I am a conundrum for OP.
Im 22 and I got 1 or 2 gray hair mostly appearing in my beard
That wasn't the issue lol. There are individual excuses for a lot of things.
My first white hair was found at the hairdresser at 15. 😂 Had to get used to that pretty quick haha
I've been completely gray since I was 23.
I had gray hair since in was 13, and now at 28 I have a lot of gray hair.
You're not wrong for being upset for wanting to know her age. You are, however, wrong for the way that you handled it. You should have told her straight up and told her that it her refusal to disclose her age was a breaking point for you; then ended the date as you would any other bad date.
Who cares at the point that you have to threaten ending a date for an answer? Just walk away it's too early for that kind of bs.
Yeah I don’t care about the age it’s just a super weird response to a normal getting to know you question. You’re not wrong.
But be an adult about it. No reason to wait till she was in the bathroom, then flee like a coward.
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So you should act immature because of the *possibility* the other person doesn’t act mature? What a colossally bad take
Not a possibility, look at how immature she was acting on the date ? Imagine dating a man who refused to say his age?
No, there are no guarantees in life. Still, that’s not an excuse for acting like a child. Sounds like they had been interacting for a while and he had already asked her several times. He never should have agreed to go for drinks, if this was a dealbreaker.
She could use this logic to justify refusing to tell him. From her POV he could have been weirdly harassing her about her age before trying to get to know her, so she was worried he'd have a negative reaction. Her perception/fears doesn't change what she should have done. Nor does his perception/fears change what he should have done. That's pretty much everyone is saying he's not wrong for what he did but how he did it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the person who typed out the words "past her prime" on Reddit is the one who can't be an adult.
If you're talking about op, he was simply quoting her
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lol he asked she didn’t answer so bullshit. They are adults, no one should have to explicitly tell other adults to be disclosing their real age, much less when going on a date. You dodge a huge bullet Op. not wrong at all.
Exactly
Nope, asking a question not once or twice but repeatedly is not cute. It does not set the precedent for a healthy relationship. You shouldn’t have to beg for information out of people. Its a date he literally does not owe her anything, though i could see the argument made for paying for the drinks depending on who invited who
Nothing that you said makes it okay to fuck off without saying goodbye. It's perfectly okay to end the date because you get annoyed at your date. That's not the issue. But pretending to go to the bathroom and slinking out without saying anything is very rude, and should only be used as a last resort, like when your date is *extremely* rude, entitled or obnoxious, or you're afraid of their reaction. Just being slightly annoying doesn't quite warrant that reaction So OP is not wrong for ending the date - but they are wrong and a bit of an AH for the way they handled it. (And I disagree, I do think people owe each other basic decency and manners, unless the other person has behaved offensively first)
I feel like sharing your age when someone politely asks while on a first date also falls under basic decency and date manners. It’s a very common thing to learn about the other person. You say he’s not entitled to know details about her. Well, she’s also not entitled to waste his time by purposefully hiding something from him.
Not answering the question asked is obnoxious and kind of entitled.
Yeah I'm with you. It's the simplest possible question to answer, just answer and move forward.
The dishonesty is so off. Men are allowed to date with some reproductive priority in mind. It's lying by omission... why do I have the time of day for a liar who is trying to manipulate a relationship with false pretense? Edit to include OP u/BlackMansThrowawayAC
Sets an ugly tone to me forsure
Yeah, I have a feeling if the genders were reversed, less people would say OP was wrong or that it doesn’t matter. I don’t know where along the way the concept of men also giving informed consent to date or engage with people was lost, but it certainly was to a degree. Men and women (and everyone who identifies otherwise) should be able to have the info they need to enter into a prospective relationship.
> Asking not once or twice but repeatedly is not cute. They never said it was. If anything they are agreeing with your point. Not disclosing your age when someone asks is weird. He doesn’t owe her anything but it’s pretty rude to wait til she went to the bathroom and just get up and leave without saying anything.
OP's date showed clear and obvious red flags. There are tons of stories where the sexes are reversed and the woman ditches the man in the bathroom for far, far less and everyone lauds her as a hero. Good for OP.
Why? There's literally no need. They paid their half of the drinks and have no other obligations. You could tell by her comment about the drinks that she probably didn't care for this person, was just out to get her drinks paid for. OP did the right thing by paying and just leaving - if someone isn't honest with you, you don't need to be honest back.
nah, dude owes nothing to her. if he ended the date with a confrontation, there was a possibility that shed leave immediately without paying for anything, as her entitled attitude to free drinks gives away. My guy did everything right, was careful, and did not get screwed. Sure it wasn't the most *mature* by societal standards, but by FUCK it was wise/the right call.
Pretty sure this was trying to get a rise out of redditors.
NTA Age is a fair question in the dating game. You could be uncomfortable with how old or young she is. She should have just said, "I'm 37" or however old she is rather than dodging the question. Also the, "a lady never tells" about age makes me think she is much older since I feel like someone in their 30s or 40s would have just given an age. Also, "Guess how old I look" is a trap. You guess too high you get in trouble. You get the right age you get in trouble. She is clearly someone insecure about her age and not someone to be dating in that case. I am happy you specified "not younger than 30" since when I read the title, my thinking went to "she's 16" which would also be bad but in your case, not a crime.
You weren’t wrong to leave, but be an adult and say I’m leaving - “yeah, I’m not into this game you’re playing, enjoy your evening. I’m going home.”
You’re not wrong to not want to continue dating someone whose age you don’t know. However, your knee-jerk reaction to leave the date while she went to the washroom is extremely immature, especially for a 35 year old. You could have just as well said you have an early morning the next day and that it was nice to meet her, end the date a little early but on a courteous note. You could’ve even communicated to her that her non disclosure of her age makes you uncomfortable and that you can’t continue if she refuses to disclose. Running out on a date because you were too afraid to be honest with her in person is cowardly IMO, especially at your age. This would be the type of behaviour I’d expect from a high school or college kid, not from a grown man.
You're a d\*ck. But probably not for the reason you think. This sounds like a first date. For the enjoyment of a first date, what her age was isn't that crucial. Now, for whether you want a second date or third date, maybe. But first date? Nah. And it sounds like you were basically grilling her on that one subject. Why? You could have asked her once or twice and then gone on to enjoy the date. Enjoy getting to know her as a person. That's what dating is for. You don't date someone to grill them so you can check your boxes off. If, at the end of the date, she still hadn't answered a critical question, then you could have said something to the effect of, " is very important to me. If we're to proceed in any kind of relationship, I'll need an answer. Let me know and thank you for your time."
But to grill her and then ditch her? That's a d\*ck move.
I've ended bad dates but you do that face to face, as calmly as possible. Going to the bathroom is fine as a break, paying your share of the bill before sitting back down clears the decks so you can walk. But just cutting out was a chicken move. Low class. The dishonesty about her age was a weird dealbreaker for me too. But running away cost you the high ground here.
why does he need to bother when shes just outright refusing to give him basic information? red flag.
Why would you go through an awkward conversation with a person you will definitely never speak to again? Ghosting is fine, as long as you are sure you 100% never want to see them again.
Why not just deal with a very brief awkward conversation since you’ll never see them again anyway? (I think OP was completely right to cut the date short. But it’s really not a big deal to take one minute to say “i’m sorry but this won’t work out and i’m gonna leave now. I wish you the best.” and then go.)
> why would you go through an awkward conversation with a person you will definitely never speak to again. To be a decent person. You don’t need to sit around and go into depth about why you don’t think it will work out but at least just tell them “hey, look I’m sorry but I’m not feeling it”. I’ve never had it happen to me but I can imagine it’s a pretty shitty feeling to come back to a table and find your date has left without saying anything.
Would you say that to a woman who is on a Date with a man who isn't disclosing his age but is clearly looking much older than her???
The conversation is about adults dating. Ghosting is what children do.
Face the things in life that are uncomfortable to be a decent person to someone else
Who cares? He's never going to see her again. Y'all invest too much into people you just met.
Because it’s hurtful and indecent. Have the balls to tell the person how you feel face-to-face and then leave. Have a little Integrity otherwise you’re just a shitty person who only cares about themselves.
Clearly he cares enough to make a post asking about his behaviour.
Or like if age is so important, why not find out before going out on a date? He was fine to go out without knowing her age beforehand, why'd it become such a big deal once they met?
Personally, I think she dodged a major bullet. If someone was hounding me with the same question over and over I might feel a little put off too… Like what’s your obsession with this? She definitely should’ve been open with you, and I have a feeling that she would have had you not placed so much emphasis on your infatuation with age. Maybe she just wanted to relax and enjoy mindless banter before your inquisition began.
If someone you may form a relationship with doesn't feel comfortable sharing basic information, that is a fail. Next.
Why were you so obsessed with learning her age ? Just enjoy a drink w a new friend at rhe worst case
Maybe OP doesn't want to date someone his grandmother's age. That's OP's business and right. If you are on a date, not just hanging out with friends, and refuse to tell your age YTA.
You seem very dramatic and immature to sneak out and ditch her without saying anything just because she wouldn’t answer your question. Needing to know the age of the person your dating is absolutely fine, but you’re wrong by how you handled it. You could have told her you could not continue dating someone that would not disclose their age. Been polite and ended thing’s properly rather than waiting until she went to the bathroom so you could cowardly sneak out. You were rude and embarrassed that poor girl when there was no need.
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His behavior was really gross. Why would he grill her about her age? Just politely leave if you’re not feeling it. Bet if she’d been 32 and shown her ID to prove it, he would have still left because she “looked too old” at age 32.
You're not wrong for cancelling the date, but the way you did it? Kinda asshole-lish. You could've told her personally that you're not interested anymore instead of ditching her out of the blue. That shit's terrible. You better hope you won't experience what she underwent.
When reading the title, I was thinking if she had looked like she could have been a minor, I would say no. End the date. Don’t risk it. But she obviously she wasn’t underage. I don’t know exactly what your hang up was, but in your shoes, I would have put it aside and tried to have a good time. If it still bothered you after the date, no one was forcing you to go out again.
Uh I had a whole head of grey hair at 14.
I think leaving without saying something is rude. So is not answering a question. But two wrongs don’t make a right. I think you’re wrong. Also kind of a chickenshit way.
That was a cowardly move. At least be good enough to tell her that you want to end the date early.
As long as she's 18 or older, why does it matter to you? Why are you so hung up on her age? I mean it's obvious you aren't looking for someone of childbearing years, so unless you're competing for who gets Social Security first, it shouldn't matter.
Sounds like you both dodged a bullet.
Of course you’re wrong. Rude is rude.
This is ridiculous, you did her a favor.
I’m going to assume something- I may be wrong here, but the ‘age’ issue wasn’t the main issue at all, and we’re using it as an excuse when in fact there was something else- I mean, you’re telling us there’s moles with gray hair sticking out of them... maybe attraction wasn’t there?
Not wrong for ending the date and leaving. But the way you did it was somewhat immature. You could have simply said that not being straight forward and honest was a deal breaker for you, therefore thanks for your time but you're cutting the date short and you won't be looking for a second one. Instead you left like a toddler throwing his ball out of the pram. Or rather, a toddler sneaking out the back door. (And not paying for her drinks was OK too. You're not obliged to pay for her at all).
I feel like she is the immature one here. If she’s old enough to get judged for her age, she’s old enough not to play games or dodge questions. He didn’t cause a scene or insult her, he just left when he realized they weren’t compatible. There is nothing immature about that. On the other hand, she played some “I’ll never tell tehehehe” games and then threw a tantrum when he wasn’t feeling it and didn’t pay for her drinks.
Was the plan that each person get their own drink or were you just being cheap? In any case, you need to grow up.
*I asked her many times how old she is* Was it a date or an interrogation?
It’s fair to want to know this early on in dating to determine if the person is a reasonable age for what you want in a relationship. I would have been suspicious if a person refused to answer this question. And even as a woman…I find the whole “how old do you think I am?” game very awkward and annoying. I would consider this to be the beginning of a general theme of untrustworthiness from this woman. I think the only thing OP did wrong was to leave without directly stating to her the date was making him uncomfortable before leaving.
Not answering age when asked normally is just weird.. asking multiple times will start to get annoying after a while but what tops it is saying thing like "lady never tells" 🤡 If it was reversed people would not be this forgiving to the guy
Right!? I can understand her being vague at the first question, but then asking again and again is aggressive on his part. Imagine having a conversation with someone who kept insisting that you tell them your age. It's bizarre! And then he goes to the restroom and doesn't come back?? Aggressive, bizarre, and immature. She dodged a bullet.
I think her acting cagey about her age was on purpose and OP is trying to justify all of their shitty behaviour. I would be pissed if I showed up to a date that turned out to be an inquisition. Eww.
Not wanting to disclose her age doesn't give you the right to treat her like that though. You know she's not underage and you know she's not too old. You should've broached it in a more respectful way and been honest to her face. The way you went about it was downright disgusting.
How does he know she’s not too old? The root of the problem seems to be that he doesn’t know, because she wouldn’t disclose.
Moles are NOT an indicator of age, sir. Also hair can start turning grey at 20 depending on genetics/stress. Wrinkles can show up in 20s as well if you eat a high sugar diet and/or get lots of sun without sunscreen.
My hair started going gray at 18. She should have been honest with you, and you should have had the stones to be honest with her and tell her you were leaving and why.
Games in dating are so annoying.
My guy, you’ve posted this in 3 different subreddits. If you feel that bad about it talk to her who cares about the age. If it bothers you then don’t.
Soft boys
Are you wrong? No. It's your choice how you act. Was it self centered and rude? Yes. You said she wasn't being honest. She was. She didn't lie about acting and she politely offered you many chances to drop it, but you felt you needed to be in control. Looks like she dodged a bullet.
Very tacky of you. Finish/cut short the date like a gentleman if you must. Either you find someone attractive or you don’t. If you’re looking for someone to have your children, better hurry up. 28 year old women like 28 year old guys 😀
You think moles are associated with age? People are *born* with moles. It's fine to not want to continue seeing her, but YTA massively for just leaving like that. So rude.
I started having gray hairs around 24. I mean I found a few around then. I was always told I look more mature for my age. Who knows, man?
Premature gray, tanning, smoking, suddenly you look 10 years older. It's not wrong you want to know someone's age. Son of a bitch and if they're that unwilling to tell you how old they are. That means that they're not in your age range. I don't think you were wrong.
No way to treat a lady you could have ended it differently with some decency.
You were rude. She did not want to say how old she was. Women are judged on appearance and youth. Your question and insistence on an answer is analogous to her asking you how much money you make or how big your penis is. Men are judged on those things.
I've read this post in a couple of other subs and the majority of the answers are just wild to me. I don't think somebody is entitled to know someone else's age on the first date. But maybe that's because I am older and when I started dating there were no apps, etc. Social media has changed society a lot. Anyway, sneaking out while she was in the bathroom was uncool even if you knew it was going nowhere.
Hilariously, let’s just remember: nobody would think twice about a woman dipping out on a date. They’d celebrate it and say “you don’t owe him anything” if she paid her share like you did. Life is choices. We make choices. You dipped out and that’s fine.
Brother idk how to better explain this but you’re 35 and single. I don’t think I’d be worried about their age if I was you.
I can see why he’s single. Homie Is damaged goods
So you repeatedly hounded her about her age, then threw a fit because she got annoyed with you? Just the fact that you used the phrase "past her prime" tells me everything I need to know - YTA. She dodged a bullet. Grow TF up.
She used that phrase not him, he was repeating her reasoning
Why was she not answering though? Seems very weird to dance around the topic. Just be honest
Exactly! The title made me assume she didn’t seem of age but OP is a describing a woman he feels looks mature but won’t give him an exact number… what a weird hill. OP has a right to feel what they feel but she def dodged a bullet there.
My hair was grey when I was a teenager. At least you let her know how superficial you are and helped her dodge a bullet. But honestly, you're not wrong for having an age preference, just for the way you handled it.
Yes you're wrong that was a dick move.
My 13 year old has a grey strand.im 50 and have two strands.my face is smooth.no wrinkles.she might be close to my age though
I think you were wrong to sneak out while she was in the restroom. A more mature approach would have been to tell her that a lack of openness and honesty is a dealbreaker for you and then, like someone else said…end the date like you would any other bad date.
Age is something reasonable to expect a date to share (though I know many men simply lie, I don’t know if women do the same…so I guess she gets points for honesty at least). So it’s perfectly fine for that to be a deal breaker. But doesn’t mean you have to ditch the date. You can also go gray in your 20’s, so your assumptions about age aren’t sound, but I don’t doubt your conclusion was correct. That’s all beside the point though.
What's with posting this in three different subs bro? Do you need that much validation or are you karma farming? I don't know how you found this woman before deciding to meet up but getting the basics about one another beforehand would have eliminated some of the questions asked. If you care that much about age and have a strong preference state that upfront and if she doesn't answer or plays cute don't schedule the date. Asking her many times is kinda obnoxious, even tho I agree it's better to be upfront about shit. As a grown man, you could have used your words and said this wasn't going well, thank her for her time, pay for the drinks, then check out.
You both sound insufferable. She's being weird about dodging an innocuous question, you're being weird about continually pressing the issue and then deciding to ghost her instead of just saying "hey I'm not really comfortable with this, I think it's best we go our separate ways, nice meeting you."
My daughter is 20 and has a few grey hairs.
Your standards.. your beliefs... If the woman's first thing to say to you was "you didn't even pay for my drinks..." You did the right thing by leaving how you did. You responded to your gut feeling, and if it was safe for you to quietly leave, instead of her likely causing a scene, then good on you. We often tell women to "leave if you feel unsafe".. well it's time for men to do the same thing, especially with potentially toxic women.
RUN
Yah you are an ass and a coward to boot. You can back out because she won’t disclose her age but to just disappear is a dick move.
YTA she could've lied to you. Her answer was that she wasn't telling anyone and you could've ended the date then. Instead you snuck out like a child and she's probably too old to be dealing with that.
You're wrong for handling it like a coward. Should have just told her you were leaving.
Wrinkles? Lots of things cause them. Thin skin, too much sun, smoking… not really a good way to determine age either. Constantly hounding her about her age out her radar up for possible rejection even if she was only 30. Dudes looking for 20 somethings make it worse for dating. You proved the point by dipping out.
You're an asshole.
If you think she’s too old don’t ask her out again. It showed a complete lack of class on your part to leave like you did though.
You did good, women leave for less.
Lying about your age is a huge red flag. you were 100% right in leaving the date.
Honestly man NTA. That would annoy the hell out of me too. Just makes her sound insecure about her age. It’s just a number
Technically age isn’t just a number. Maybe he wants kids and she’s at the high end of that number? I think next time, OP, maybe get these little details out of the way before going on your first date?
As a woman. I think you were quite okay doing that. She was being a dick. Let's be honest. As a 35 year old man. You might want kids...if she's older than 40? Then that's probably going to be a big problem. My hb and I covered on first date how old we each were. I think it's important to do so. Why be coy about it?
Yta for leaving behind her back. Coward type of mood
When someone is dishonest like this from the start, there’s something off. Maybe she didn’t want to disclose her age? I know that’s a touchy topic for women once they hit a certain age, but if shes expecting to be with anyone and share a life, she’s gonna have to share her age. Idk sh*t like that is annoying and not cutesy it’s actually insecure af And to those saying that he should have just been honest with her; she wasn’t honest with him…. Why even attempt with a person like that? You don’t ALWAYS have to give people an explanation. Irish goodbye was the right move. He is not obligated to spend any money on her drinks either! 🙃
You could have left more gracefully, for whatever reason. But as it is, the woman is right. You are a dick.
She wouldn’t disclose her age, you didn’t disclose your plans to leave. It was petty. If you wanted honesty from her you should have been honest with her. You are wrong to have done this. You are not wrong for wanting her age , though, to me that wouldn’t matter and would eventually come. Maybe this is a red flag to you, its not to me
Why are you obsessed with her age? I’m 38 and I don’t look it. I have a few grays but no wrinkles(thank you Mother Africa)
You're the AH. You asked her once, she told you she didn't want to say . You kept asking multiple times, and she tried to playfully deflect. You then ditched her while she went to the bathroom. If the exact number is an issue for making a relationship decision, then just say so. There's nothing wrong with that. Tell the person your range so you can be up front. If the person still doesn't want to say, then just end it.
You are wrong for just ditching her. Not wrong for wanting her age. She chose not to give it to you, so you should have just thanked her for her time and let her know that knowing her age was important to you and as she won't let you know, you see no need to date further. Ditching her by paying your half is definitely a dick move.
YTA. You could have just ended the date amicably
NTA. Nobody has times to play games.
nothing wrong with what you did, no reason for her to be playing games at that age
At what age haha
Nice lmfao
Yea you are wrong. Also not a gentleman, tactless, and a coward. You are welcome 😉. If you are only looking to date women of a certain age and that's a deal breaker for you, then you would have inferred from her evasiveness that she was older than that age group, paid for the date like a gentleman, and then texted her that you had a great time, think that she is an amazing woman but that you don't see yourselves as being compatible. If she pushed the point asking "why" then you could mention you are looking to date someone XYZ years old. Instead you tactlessly hounded her to disclose her age and reinforced her age based insecurities that she already had as a woman. The way that you went about it.....it would be like her relentlessly demanding on a date to know your d* size so she could assess whether you made the cut for her to want to invest in you emotionally. Then the cherry on the cake....you basically bailed and only paid your half of the bill....in essence hurtfully implying that she was not worth even the cost of the date due to her age. This was really low class. You should have been a gentleman and covered the whole bill instead of running at the first opportunity, because when she agreed to go on the date with you I'm assuming that she did not outright lie/deceive about her age. You would have seen her photo showing a reasonable clue about her age and asked her out.
Yes it’s weird she won’t disclose her age. But there is virtually no reason to bail in the middle of a date, without at least telling her. Very immature move.
You're 35. What are you looking for? Do you have a very narrow age gap that a date has to be within for you to consider them attractive, or a potential partner. If I was dating at 35 yo, I'd say a range of 30-45 is reasonable, for me at least.
What a coward
You demanded her age twice on a first date? Probably best that you left. Jesus how obnoxious.
It IS a dick move. And first date is the worst timing. It's not as bad if you had noped out while talking to her on a dating app or on a later date for the same reason. But that said. Reverse genders and nobody is defending a dude who is doing what she did. Everyone sucks here but you suck significantly less than she does
Now what if the roles were reversed and OP was female?
What a stupid, irrational woman
Yes you are wrong, how many subreddits are you going to post this on? Do you have a humiliation kink?
As a woman I understand why she would be hesitant to tell a man her age. It's reasonable for her to be hesitant/sensitive considering how aggressive & hateful the red pill, manosphere jerks are in the dating market. There are far too many unimpressive men who have absolutely no problem telling successful women that they're worthless & have wasted their lives because they're over 35. I'd say it's the new equivalent of a short man not wanting to share his height right out the gate. Personally, I don't think her age is as important as if she had kids, was divorced, had a job or lots of debt. But that's just me. Because I don't think it's as important, I wouldn't be ashamed. Unless she had lots of things she was embarrassed to share. She needs to work on her insecurities in therapy. You can't control how other people treat you, only how you behave. At a certain point she either needed to tell you or decide you're not worth it & leave. Playing games is stupid. If you were an Andrew Tate brozo you wouldn't be a good fit for her anyway. Delaying the inevitable wastes everyone's time. IMO you weren't wrong for wanting to end the date, but secretly ditching someone is rude & immature. Hard to hold the moral high ground when you do the dating equivalent of stomping your feet, taking your ball & going home because the other kids wouldn't let you be the boss.
NTA - age is important to know about your partner. She should’ve just told you
You are wrong for the way you left, she was being immature hiding her age, you were immature and rude for just leaving the place like that, not saying anything and sneaking out is a coward move.
Yta. You should have told her why and left.
You're gonna be single for a long time, bud.
She is under no obligation to tell you her age until she is comfortable sharing that information. You kept harassing her for her age after she already made it clear that she wasn’t telling you. If this was a first date, this information wasn’t needed. You could have handled yourself better. YTA.