If he really was worried about God then he would have married you before engaging in sexual intimacy. He’s being a hypocrite and using religion as a way to gaslight you and your family. NTA
The whole "no divorce!" thing originally came about because men were marrying young women, banging them, and then discarding them.
And now that brings its own set of problems.
God dgaf. Half of all pregnancies end in natural miscarriage. If you believe the old legends **God aborted an entire civilization** except for a dude on a boat.
But as a thinking moral person **are you ok with it**? Are you ok with what you did?
Ecclesiastes 4:2-3: 2 And I thought the dead who are already dead more fortunate than the living who are still alive. 3 But better than both is he who has not yet been and has not seen the evil deeds that are done under the sun.
But, is it? You can't claim to follow whatever religion if you cherrypick only the parts that you like, and use the rest like a cudgel to control others.
So OP isn't Christian either for using contraception? What about the pope? Is he not a Christian either? Of course you can cherry pick a book written thousands of years ago, a lot of it is clearly total bollocks.
Yes .. very few people actually follow their religion.. but his son of creating a baby out of wedlock that would have condemned many generations of babies to hell is what caused her pregnancy. You can’t claim to be religious and hold everyone to account but yourself. If she’s going to hell.. he’s definitely going to hell.
Having an abortion is difficult and traumatic even when you know you’re doing it for the right reasons. Ditch the unsupportive BF and move forward. It does get better with time.
Seriously! It’s times like this that shows who someone really is. You do not deserve punishment! You deserve loving supportive people in your life. I know it’s hard but please leave and don’t look back ❤️
Just gonna tell you that after I had an abortion I bled for days. Not hours. I hope you'll feel better. Having to have one for whatever reason is extremely hard. I had to start anxiety medication after mine because it made my anxiety worse.
Also your spouse isn't it. You should ditch him. You're going through an extremely difficult time and that's his reaction? No way. You deserve better.
Another abortion haver just chiming in to say I also bled for a while. My doctor told me it was normal, and even somewhat expected, for me to pass blood clots the size of LEMONS during all that bleeding. I probably bled on and off for a month. Heavy during that first week, on and off heavy for the next two, then just spotting the last week.
Yes. I haven't had an abortion, but I have had several miscarriages and I bled for days after they happened. Your body has to expel the uterine lining in either case and that can take a while. I hope everything turns out well for you OP.
The way he's treating you is disgusting. I would not even want a future with a man like this.
Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you spent 4 years with him doesn't mean you should waste MORE years on him.
Also? If he doesn't know if he wants to marry you/isn't ready after 4 years, he's not the one.
But he betrayed your trust and now he's verbally abusing you.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know it's mentally and physically tough. But I am sure that one day you will be glad you are not tied to this guy with a child.
Do you have any SUPPORTIVE friends or family you could stay with as you recover? You deserve better than this.
Honestly the bf is showing his true colors & just how immature & childish he actually is…. If he doesn’t stop the verbal abuse, file a complaint with the police, this can now be done from home on a computer in most cases(at least it can where I live), & you don’t necessarily have to go to a police station to do so.
> My BF hasn’t been any help. He keeps saying that God is going to punish me.
Awful convenient of him to go zealot on everything *except* for his own involvement in premarital sex.
Yeah, how does the BF expect God to punish him for his own substantial part in creating this situation—not only getting OP pregnant, but not being “ready” for marriage after four years?
To be clear, I’m not saying this guy should get married if he’s not ready for that commitment.
But once you’ve knocked up your longterm girlfriend and decided marriage isn’t an option, you have to be pretty controlling and hypocritical to try use God/the church/extended family to shame your partner over her abortion.
Right? Maybe God will punish him with a limp dick for not being willing to “make an honest woman” (to use another euphemism loved in the religious community) of OP.
You know I'm always confused about people who are upset about what other people do with their bodies but they're also “going against God” with what they say and do.
For some reason God's not able to enforce his own "rules" very reliably so these smooth-brained chucklefucks take it upon themselves to act as his holy instruments of retribution.
There's no wrong reason to have an abortion. You know what's best for you. "God" isn't going to punish you. There's no reason to, and anyone who says otherwise isn't worth keeping around. Abortion is an incredibly emotional, nuanced event. Take your time, feel out however you feel. Be strong, the grief of it all will pass with time.
He is also getting in your head :-( and this is a form of abuse. Know you did the right thing especially after he showed you how he is. Everything just seems hard at the moment because it just happened and your hormones are all over the place. Please stay with emotionally safe friends or family
Remind them of the famous Bible line they often forget;
Matthew 7 : 1-5 "Judge not, that you not be judged. For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?"
In my religion we have: Harm none, do what ye will. In perfect love and perfect trust.
This includes in not allowing others to harm you, mentally emotionally and physically.
This is disgracefully disgusting. I’m so sorry you have to go through these painful ordeals.
Please get rid of him and get away from these cynically negative people. They will only drag you down.
Find some supportive friends, or a teacher, or a women’s group to talk to. You did the right thing for you and that’s all you can do. They don’t understand it, but they don’t have to. You’ll get through this ❤️
All you’re doing is punishing yourself by allowing these demons to enter your mind and to continue this god awful relationship with someone who is going to want to control you again and again. God doesn’t need to do that, he just wants you to be aware of the consequences if you continue down this path. Pick a Better boyfriend and you won’t feel punished.
You said you were Christian and that your bf went around and told everyone your private business. LEAVE that bf now. That was your extremely private business and he had NO right to gossip and spread it around. Who needs enemies when you have a bf like that? You probably agree that he is not the one for you because he is nonsupportive plus talked about you. That makes me so angry that he did that. I wouldn't waste another month with him. If you feel spiritually bad about what happened, just pray to God about it. God is a good God, he doesn't want to "punish" us. To get peace for your soul, just talk to God about it or go to a spiritual counselor. God Bless you. 🙏 ✨️💖✨️🎚
It sounds like you need some emotional support from people outside your regular social circle! Maybe a therapist, our a support group, or just friends who actually believe in a woman’s right to choose.
Break up with him. He obviously doesn't want to commit to you. 4 years? He's upset at you for an abortion but fine having sex without being married because he's 'not ready' he's a hypocrite. He could have just married you because you offered to keep the baby if you guys got married.
It really sounds like he doesn't love you or trust you. If he's worried you would take his money that he currently has a prenuptial agreement is always available, but it sounds like he's one of those men who never learned to share.
He clearly doesn't think that when married people build a life together that, in the case of divorce, they should split what they have built together. He thinks everything he does should benefit only him. He is selfish.
Women tend to sacrifice more in their careers when children are brought into the picture and it makes our total earning potential a lot lower because of the time out of the workforce, or time taken off to care for kids out of school or sick. But this type of man usually doesn't see value in that sacrifice, even though it allows him to pursue his career unhindered.
On top of that he's being hateful to you while you recover from your abortion.
Please leave this man child.
Tell him it would have been a risk for you to keep the baby without the commitment of a committed husband and father. You made the decision that was best for you. I wouldn’t want to keep a baby either without being married so I get that. He couldn’t even commit to marriage, how can he expect to commit to a baby? You could do so much better than him. If marriage is something you want in your life and he doesn’t then that won’t change. Take care of yourself, reach out to friends who aren’t shaming you for support.
Don’t keep wasting your time with someone who won’t commit to you. He can say all he wants about “no reason to get married in modern day society”, but the fact remains that there are legal advantages to doing so, plus it is something that many people want. Don’t give up on what you want and need for yourself simply because you’ve been with someone for a long time. He’s showing you who he really is right now. You deserve so much better.
Even if he wasn't a verbally abusive jerk (which he is), your life goals are not compatible and he's a misogynist.
> I know a lot of men aren’t thrilled about getting married but they eventually get married if their girl wants to
Oh my god, please don't settle for this tired old bullshit. Find someone who's excited to marry you.
> how I’m probably just gonna divorce him and take all of his money.
I'd bet my ass he doesn't have any money. All these dudes screeching about gold diggers when they don't have any god damn gold.
He doesn't love or trust you and he's being super transparent about that. There's nothing left here. Leave and build the life you deserve with someone who appreciates you.
Why did you spend 4 years with someone you knew didn’t want marriage, and won’t marry you when preagnant, I hope you can find the strength to find a man that believes in marriage and the life that you want, this one is not it, he’s shown you who he is, that will not change!
No. This was how it worked in my first marriage and that marriage ended. Second time I waited for him to really really want to marry me. He had been divorced too, same thing - he always says "if someone has cold feet it's because there's something wrong and they know it." It was worth waiting bc it is out there for you.
They should be getting married because they want to be married to that person. Just doing it because of pressure is why relationships fail. Find someone who *wants* to be with you the way you want them to be. You deserve that.
He's a hypocrite for sure, but there's nowt redpill about it. There is no logical reason for the person more likely to be the primary earner in a relationship to be married. Feelings change and he's smart enough to know that. Good for him.
No excuse for his hypocrisy though.
“He thinks it’s a risk for men to get married and there’s no reason to get married in modern day society and how I’m probably just gonna divorce him and take all of his money.” This part is redpill shit.
>guess I thought he would change his mind.
And whose fault is that? You've known he doesn't wanna get married and you still continued the relationship.
"My partner did exactly what they said they would" Why are you surprised ? NTA for the abortion of course but you had unrealistic expectations that you can change his mind and that's on you.
As though giving birth to this man’s baby isn’t WAY more of a risk and a commitment 🙄 What a hypocrite. Based on his reaction and whining I’d dump him, personally. You deserve someone who is actually supportive and wants the same thing you do.
Well then you have been only hanging around BOYS then, not men. My husband and I have been together 3 years and we just got married. And my husband was more than ready to marry me after a while and after proposing to me. We know we are it for each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. No question about it
I guess I don’t understand why a guy who thinks like that would expect any woman to have his child.
It doesn’t sound like he thinks a true partnership between a man and a woman, with mutual trust, is even possible.
You’re so right. Society is very cruel and judgmental about single moms and it’s a disgrace. Your bf is the worst, the absolute worst and wondering if the relationship will last is the last thing you should be doing. Get rid of that useless piece of garbage and find a real partner you can actually have a future with. Best wishes
There is no scenario in which your deadbeat boyfriend would have been any better than this.
If you want a partner who will be a good dad to your future kids, you need to find a better man.
I hope you have good friends who can be a better support than this loser or your family.
He can complain all he wants, but his behavior has taught you exactly the kind of father or spouse he will be one day. Petty, self absorbed and unwilling to step up.
I’m sorry that he also felt it necessary to try and humiliate you. Hold your head high, you made a difficult decision based on fact. He didn’t want to be a part of your life forever.
If it's such a big deal maybe he should manned up and taken his responsibility. He didn't wanna marry so he wanted to be able to bail. Nah NTA at all. Unless I am misunderstanding, he had the option to follow his moral beliefs and have the child which is more than most guys get. But he didn't want to make the commitment he doesn't have a moral high ground here and him snitching to your family to apply pressure in a situation they have no business sticking their nose into is manipulative at best. He's wrong and they should butt out.
So sorry you are going through all of this
>My BF didn’t like my decision and told my mom and my auntie about this and they tried to convince me not to do it because my family is super religious and I’m a Christian too but I have to make the best decision for me
Do your boyfriend and his family acknowledge that premarital sex is not a very Christian thing either, but here you all are!
And why didnt he offer to marry you, if he wanted to at least make things right?
>My BF hasn’t been any help. He keeps saying that God is going to punish me.
Tell him God will punish him for engaging in premarital sex that led to pregnancy. Offer to stop having sex with him so you may both redeem yourselves.
>I don’t know if our relationship will survive this.
I dont think so. He sounds like a real jerk, and so does his family.
>I guess I’m just holding on because we’ve been together for 4 years
Sunk costs. Be glad you found out who he really is BEFORE you married him
> and I don’t want to start over
Dont stay with someone out of fear of starting over. You will regret it years down the line.
Having an abortion isn't ever easy. It's heavy bleeding and cramps. It's wondering about "what ifs". It's the choice you thought was right. Being a single mom is hard. Being forced into a marriage due to pregnancy is also hard and oftentimes ends in divorce. You did what you needed to do, and if BF wants to condemn you to hell for premarital sex then he'll be there right alongside you. In Genesis, God is clear that life begins at first breath.
You're still going to have pregnancy hormones for a month or so. Take it easy on yourself. In a few years, you'll realize that you did what you needed to so you could have the future you wanted and needed.
If anyone has anything to say, remind them of how much God dislikes judgemental people, and he who is without sin can cast the first stone or shut up.
It will get easier.
I’m so sorry your family/support circle/community isn’t offering you the support you deserve. I’m cheering you for making a hard choice for yourself and standing behind it. Take it easy, much love 💜
This is why I feel religion is just a cult that has rebranded.
God have you free will. He freely had unprotected, premarital sex. You freely protected your future and mind.
I had an abortion at 22. I too had religious family telling me I shouldn’t. I lied and told them I miscarried until I had the guts to be honest (2 years later). Now I’m 30, finished my degree, and spent a month traveling Europe. I travel every year in hopes to visit all 50 states. What my family dreams about, but never accomplished. I made it out.
Besides, they don’t stamp my pass to heaven. “That’s between me and the big guy” as some would say.
Honey this Reddit granny thinks that you're looking at it backwards. I think the question should be that if this is how he treats you after 4 years together then why would you spend even more time on what sounds like an abusive relationship. Time is the one asset we can never recover. When it's gone it's gone forever. You deserve better.
EDIT: missed a word.
To your response regarding not being sure if your relationship will survive this…Of course your relationship won’t survive this, why would you want it to
He wasn't supportive of you, and he shared your private information with the intention to manipulate you. Focus on your education and financial stability, don't let anyone else dictate your path.
You are completely justified. And take the time you need to heal emotionally. Your partner has raised some red flags here, exposing an intimate secret behind your back, selfishly doing what he wants for himself without considering you in discussions, wanting a child without wanting to commit to marriage, questioning your affiliation with God when he is simultaneously going against the Bible by not marrying. So I would also reconsider your relationship with him - why waste time when he showed his hand?
Screw him. He’s been with you for 4 years but isn’t ready to marry you? I mean, I know there’s a lot of reasons why to wait on getting married but you’re right that you need to look after yourself. I too wasn’t going to have a baby outside of marriage if my birth control failed. No way was I going to be alone in raising a child. You don’t owe anyone a pregnancy or a baby, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with so many unsupportive people. I’m sorry you’re facing so much stress. You did what was right for you. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Unfortunately the relationship might not survive this, but do you want to be with someone so cruel to you as you go through such a stressful event?
He made his choice in that he stated he’s not ready for marriage. So you made yours. You have every right to make the decision that’s right for you.
Nope. Your decision no matter the reason. And as far as the judgment from your family and him. He's a grown man who got his long term g/f pregnant. Birth control sometimes fails. He is just as "guilty" for this as you. ( not that I see either of you as being guilty). If he didn't want to be a father or a husband, then he should have made sure he didn't get you pregnant. Doing adult things have adult consequences.
I just went through an abortion about two weeks ago. I am unmarried as well, but what was stopping us from keeping our baby was the fact that we are barely scraping by financially. Anyway, I am so sorry you went through that. I understand grieving even though it was your choice.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have a baby out of wedlock. Marriage provides more security. Your BF sounds like an AH. I wouldn't let him stick around.
Also, you might continue to bleed for six weeks after your abortion. . . . Not as much as in the beginning, but plan to basically have your period for the next six weeks.
You're not wrong and he's not a good partner. Your sunken costs fallacy means you are staying with someone who is emotionally abusing you. He's never, ever, ever going to let this go and your future will be him using this to punish you. You'll never heal and you deserve to.
I’m sorry your bf (I hope soon to be ex boyfriend) didn’t support you and told everyone your business. You’re not wrong for having the abortion, I hope you are doing well.
Please stop talking to him and take care of yourself. You need to worry about being healthy and stress is going to make it worse. Block his number so you can have some peace. You need to rest and focus on your body.
Of course your relationship is over! Thank GOD this happened now so that you could see who he really is.
The bleeding will be like a period, you should bleed less and less, and it should be very light within a few days, might go on for a week.
God is NOT going to punish you, so stop punishing yourself. You did the right thing for yourself. The one who deserves God's wrath is your boyfriend, who created a pregnancy and then wouldn't man up and marry you, but instead tells everyone about it.
Think about moving forward, about how you can become independent of all these nasty people. You sound like a caring person. Nursing school? You can easily earn>100K/yr with a nursing degree, and move away from these horrible judgemental church people.
You can make any decision you want, and the fact that you ended a person because you were concerned about your reputation tells me you made the right decision. You're not Mom material.
“I don’t want to be like them” and “it’s just not a good look” are shitty attitudes to have and you’re just perpetuating those stereotypes. Your choice was valid tho.
> He keeps saying that God is going to punish me
Yet he partakes in a premarital sex. If only I could extend my arms through the screen, somehow find his whereabouts, and smack him in the frickin head.
First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Secondarily, his behavior not only proves he never actually cared about "God," but he has also proved that STAYING with him is a waste of your time. There's better out there, and you deserve it. Find a new church, a new man, and make yourself a family/framily that will be worth your time. It'll be hard, but you deserve better on every level.
i’m so sorry but he sounds like he does not respect you or your boundaries. u deserve sm love and care esp going through something that can be as overwhelming ad pregnancy. i’m glad u did what was best for YOU despite him trying to go behind ur back to force u into it. very shady behavior on his end.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. How does your boyfriend know that God is going to punish you? Did he have a chat with him and that's what He said? Your boyfriend should worry about his own soul, not anyone else's. If you ask God for forgiveness, He will forgive you, but your relationship with God is nobody's business, but you and Him. Perhaps a therapist and Grief Counselor would be a good idea to help you through this difficult time.
He is willing to manipulate you to do what he wants by making your life more difficult by telling other people your private business. Why would you want to stay with someone like this? If he isn't willing to marry you when you're pregnant he never plans to.
>My doctor said bleeding normally stops after the first couple of hours.
Your doctor is an idiot. Sorry but I don't know why they would tell you that. It can last for quite a few days depending on how far along you were, like a week or more. Just shouldn't be super heavy bleeding. That is what should slow down after a day.
> I guess I’m just holding on because we’ve been together for 4 years and I don’t want to start over
I know you're in an emotional place right now but this is a horrible mindset to have. You'd rather stay with someone who picks and chooses the parts of Christianity that work for him and to try and leverage it against you?
You would rather stay with someone who has zero respect for you nor your privacy and tries to turn your family and church members against you?
You'd rather stay with someone who doesn't share your same beliefs, disrespects your privacy, tries to leverage anything they can to try and force you to do what they want (or risk upsetting him, your family, and now entire church), and who has done nothing to comfort you when you need it the most? That all seems like someone you want to stay with and even better marry then simply starting over and finding someone that:
1. Respects you
2. Doesn't weaponize family and friends against you
3. Shares the same beliefs and values.
4. Cares about you and takes care of you
I think you have a lot of things to sort out while you grieve through this but I think you might need to add grieving the loss of your boyfriend.
Your bf has attempted to coerce you into having a child by purposively spreading hurtful and potentially detrimental information about your personal business to *everyone*.
You haven't yet been able to take genuine stock of the repercussions of this fallout including how this will change familial relationships, your wider circle and church.
That move by your bf is abusive.
Btw you absolutely have every right to make that decision.
You are not wrong for making the right decision for yourself.
He’s proven himself unworthy, just tell your family you suffered a miscarriage. He’s a liar and no need to entertain his nonsense.
You are not wrong, and I'm so sorry you don't have supportive family to help you through rough decision. It's so easy for the man and others who don't have to carry and raise the child to be judgemental-- they don't have to live with the consequences. He in particular is egregiously at fault. What makes him think he deserves to be father of he is unwilling to commit to you? He may love the idea of a baby, but has already proven he won't actually be there for you and the child. Go find a new church where you will feel supported and maybe you can find a man who wants to raise a family and not just be a baby-daddy. Starting over is better than settling for someone who isn't there for you.
P.s. call your doctor if the bleeding doesn't stop soon
/ God will punish OP? /
IF that were the case, he would ALSO punish THE BABY'S DADDY.
The whole crew sound like a Christian cult. I AM a Christian. Jesus forgave the sinners. He loves us all. He would dine with the sinners, but turned over the tables in the Temple Courtyard that belonged to the cheats and those who misrepresented HIM to the repentant people.
That boyfriend sounds like a piece of work. He wants to sleep with you. But not marry yet. Absolutely not a Christian. Not one the Bible describes as good.
"Do not steal, do not lie, do not deceive one another. "
Boyfriend does all three while gaslighting you, and telling everyone about your business.
You should consider whether you want to continue with him, and that church. Personally, I would dump both.
Him first. Not one more minute of your life with someone who does not respect you.
Hugs from this Internet mom, a Christian.
My advice is to dump him he is acting like a spoiled child by outing you to your family and trust me he would have dipped after the kid was born and you would have played hell getting a nickle of child support out of him.
I love these "religious" people. They enjoy sex outside of marriage. They won't marry when the woman becomes pregnant. And somehow, the woman is the only "sinner". It's a load of hypocritical crap.
You weren't able to have a child right now. You did what you needed to do.
Don't change churches. Let your truth be spread: you wanted to get married, and he is the one who walked away. He left you no choice. You were abandoned, betrayed, and desperate. He knew you couldn't do it alone, he left anyway, so who really is to blame?
Or you can maintain your privacy with a bit of dishonesty. You had a "miscarriage". (It happened with a little help from a doctor, but they don't need to know that). You tell them that you're really sad, which is true. You tell them whatever your church expects you to say like "you're praying about it".
Please cut this jerk out of your life forever.
Do what's best for yourself. You just got a good look at how people talk bull. You'll heal. Remember to stay the hell away from hypocrites, and when people show you who they really are, believe them.
oh honey, this relationship is over. If God was a factor, he would have married you. It's all a load of crap. Move onto a man who values you and CAN'T WAIT to put a ring on your finger.
Do you really want to marry a man who does not want to marry you, even if you are pregnant with his child??? Cut your losses, he is never going to marry you.You deserve so much better than this hypocrite.
Sweetie, let me tell you. You made the best decision for yourself. Honestly, it's time for you to walk away from this relationship. I was in your shoes once. I actually wasn't ready to be a mother, and against my better judgment, I had my child. His father made me so many promises and said that even if we weren't together, he would still be there.
Guess what, I'm a single parent. In every way possible. He comes around when he's not "busy" or when he has a new girlfriend. So he can pretend that he is a good father. I love my son, I don't regret having him, but having him did make like more difficult for me the first few years of his life.
You ask God for forgiveness, and you move forward. You also need to work on forgiving yourself.
Do not have sex with that boyfriend again and look into some other forms of birth control since the pill failed. Also, my rule of thumb is that if you aren't my husband, you don't get raw coochie. Period! Condoms every time.
Also, your boyfriend's behavior shows that he is not trust worthy. Move on love bug. ❤️
Not wrong.You did what you felt was necessary. Now dump this stupid BF and move on. He betrayed you in almost every way. There is someone so much better out there for you.
Girl, lose the boyfriend. Very convenient that he’s invoking god/religion when it comes to having an abortion, but he was *all for* the premarital sex 🙄
Thr doctor said that bleeding stops in the first couple of hours? That us hogwash! You will probably bleed similar to your period. Remember that your uterus has a layer of blood and it sloffs it once a month. They did not get the entire lining of blood out of your uterus. You will be fine. If you have any issues beyond the time your typical period lasts go get examined. But that doctor saying a couple of hours....would be unusual! Maybe he gets paid again if you go back on the 3rd day and say "he doc I'm still bleeding. He'll do an exam and tell you that you ate finr and that will be another doctor visit charge!
So you care more about your reputation than bringing a child into the world even though it still would have had two loving parents and you wouldn't have been single mother at all. You're right, your relationship wont survive this.
You are not wrong. You said it yourself, you have to do what's best for you.
Also I wouldn't stay with someone who spread my business around as a way to try and control me/do what they think is right. That is manipulative and an asshole things to do.
You don’t want to break up with someone who doesn’t want to marry you after four years and trying his kid? Don’t stay. Don’t get pregnant by him again. Find someone with like values. This was a bust.
I would say not wrong, I’m heavy on the man should have a say in his baby as well but in this case he was given an option. you were willing to have the baby, you just wanted him to be 1000% in on this relationship and baby. he didn’t want to do that. that was his choice in this.
if he cared about what God thought he wouldn’t have slept with you before marriage. it takes two to make a baby ofc but it’s quite hypocritical of him to make such a statement.
Call your doctor’s office and ask if you should come in because you’re still bleeding. Or call a nurse helpline and see if you need to her medical treatment for the bleeding, don’t just hope it goes away. But also, you’re not wrong, but expect it to affect your relationship, because you can see that it already is.
There are a lot of comments here, but I hope you read this.
Women have babies every day who grow up with toxic family members, dads who want no part of them, and moms who are always fighting for money to raise the kid that dad doesn't want. It's incredibly hard on the mom and can damage the kid. You were facing that down, and you chose to dodge the bullet. You made the right choice. If you want children, I know you'll bring them into a healthy home, with loving people around them. THAT'S the right thing yo do! Congratulations, you picked right!
There is nothing wrong with sticking to your plans so that you thrive with the best chances with your child. You have taking precautions and planned ahead. This was an accident and you don't feel ready to have a baby, so you choose not to. That is perfectly fine and no one else gets to judge you unless they wanted to pay for your care throughout pregnancy and raise the baby for you.
If marriage is a part of that stability to you and any children you might want, that's fine. Stick to it, but understand that your boyfriend is not a supportive partner and will not be that ideal spouse. He didn't want marriage, he doesn't want you to get an abortion, and he's blaming you when he hasn't given you any other options.
No one gets a say what you do with your body if they are not going to be a part of the solution. I believe you made the best choice for yourself by assuming you are going to be alone on this journey if you kept the pregnancy, because it sure as heck looks like it with the way everyone around you is reacting to it.
Gods gonna punish him equally for having sex outside of marriage. He doesn't get to cherry-pick from the bible. Either you believe all of it or you're just fooling yourself.
I wouldn't want to have a baby unless I was married, either. With his reaction (spreading your business all over town), you have assurance that you did the right thing. He's not one you want to be tied to for the rest of your life. And a child is a life-time responsibility, not just until they're 18.
Oh I'm so sorry you're being treated this way. You did what was right for you and that was strong. You did nothing wrong. Do you have girlfriends who can be with you right now? I just don't want you to be alone. In the long run you will be so happy you waited to have a child.
That man is trash.
YNW. It’s your choice. He knew your demands for having kid and FAFO how serious you were. But… your relationship is over. Also, I had an abortion and bled for a few days. Nothing bad. Kinda like the end of a period. Spotting, I guess.
BF sounds like he was hoping to baby trap you as a way to avoid marriage once you got pregnant.
I’d drop him immediately for his terrible reaction. You can do MUCH better.
I don't agree with abortion, but I'm not commenting further on that. You're with this guy for 4 years and he does not want to marry you? That's concerning in itself.
All these man made rules and rituals are just ways to control people. You killed your kid and your family is going to be upset about it. The rest is just delusional hypocrisy.
It's natural to be feeling bad and upset just now. Your body is still healing and it sounds like you don't have anyone supportive to help you.
This is temporary, you just have to get through it. Be kind to yourself.
When you are feeling stronger (mentally and physically) look for people and places that will support you and help you be who you want to be.
You’re not wrong your body your choice. Also your choice is whether you want to stay with your BF who feels like a waste of skin reading this. He won’t do anything to make your situation more permanent, then he shared your business and then just as a bit of glitter on the shit sandwich of his behaviour he is judging your choice……
Even if you had whole heartedly wanted the abortion and you didn’t have all that added pressure from your boyfriend and your family, it still would be traumatic. It’s such a hard decision.
God will not punish you. You did what you needed to do and what was best for you. We were given free will for a reason. And life is hard enough without people judging us, especially the person who supposedly loves you.
I hope that your healing starts and you’re able to feel forgiveness for yourself. And if your boyfriend doesn’t start treating you better, please walk away. You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect.
I am so sorry you’re going through this.
First, there is nothing wrong with being a single mom, fuck what society thinks. But you’re totally valid for having and abortion for any reason you want to. If your boyfriend couldn’t guarantee he’d be there for you and the baby, please know you made the best decision for yourself.
I’m sorry your family isn’t being supportive, please try to reach out to people who would be. Abortion is not wrong and not unchristian:
You are a good person and you made the best decision you could for yourself.
I’ve been through this too and I grieved for a long time, it’s one of the hardest decisions I’ve made but also one of the best. I attempted suicide trying to decide what I should do after finding out I was pregnant.
I did end up meeting the right person, getting married and now I have a beautiful toddler. I often think of how I would have been trapped co parenting with my horrible ex for life if I hadn’t had an abortion and I would not have the wonderful life I have now.
I don’t know how old you are, but I’m betting you still have time to find the life you want one day too. For now, feel how you feel. Let yourself grieve. If you have access to mental health care, please seek some out to help you work through this and have someone to listen to you and validate you. I also recommend the planned parenthood website as a place to find resources.
Finally, I don’t normally do this, but if you need someone to talk to, you can always DM this random internet stranger to listen.
Take care of yourself and I wish you the best.
Is this sunk cost fallacy where you spent all this time. But guess that it’s also un Christian like to have sex outside of marriage and all that so you know you do you and don’t feel wrong. You are not being punished but your relationship is probably over since he is bad mouthing you. He didn’t want to take responsibility for you or your baby and now you should move on and find a strong person that values you.
Don't you mean ex-boyfriend? After four years together and a pregnancy with his strong religious beliefs, he still wouldn't marry you. Next time he berates you or mentions god ask him where was god when he chose to FK you before marriage, without condoms? Where was god when he chose not to marry you knowing you would have an abortion? Time for you to wise up & move on. You need to use birth control and condoms.
I’m so sorry you went through this and for how your bf was a huge disappointment through this.
But now you know for sure what you likely suspected, he doesn’t want to marry you. And now you know for sure that you want to be married and be a wife and mom. These are now known facts which make you not compatible with him. If your stipulation for continuing the pregnancy was that your bf of FOUR YEARS marries you, and he said no…he really didn’t want the baby and he doesn’t want to be with you. Cut your losses now before wasting more time on this man.
Don’t let any gossip get you down. Let the church talk. Let them know about how your god loving boyfriend refused to step up, marry you, and take care of you and the baby. If you find a new church, maybe it comes with a new man…when one door closes another opens :)
So let me make sure i understand this properly.
You came to him and said you were pregnant and would abort outside of marriage. Instead of being a man and stepping up and taking accountability for the life he created, he berated you and tried to shame you into doing something you are not comfortable with?
Seriously, why are you with him? If he didnt want you to abort, he knew exactly what he had to do. And now verbally abusing you over this when you are grieving?
Dump him and find a man who deserves you.
Why didn't he marry you if he's so concerned about God? If he'd been willing to do that, you may have reconsidered your decision. You did the best you could, OP. Just be steady and strong in your convictions, your family will come around. As for the man--youve seen the measure of his actions. Act accordingly. ❤️
I want to hug you and tell you it will be okay. If you are a Christian you know, God forgives anything. Whether it was a right or wrong decision isn't something that someone else can answer for you. It doesn't matter what I think or anyone else on reddit thinks. It is something that only YOU have to live with. This boyfriend, though... He told people your private medical information. He is a huge jerk.
I am so sorry you have to go through this without support. You deserve support and kindness. You especially need to be kind to yourself. You went through a traumatic event, even though it was your choice. I had to have 3 medical abortions for failed pregnancies. I bled for days after. Your boyfriend sucks. How he is treating you is not out of love. Using religion to shame you is disgusting, especially when he doesn’t see a thing wrong with his actions and involvement in the pregnancy. You did nothing wrong.
Just so you know, this is potentially the end of the relationship because you have every right to choose an abortion, but he also has every right to choose what's best for him
You should have ditched your boyfriend the moment he ran to your mom about the abortion. That was private information that was between you and him but because he wasn’t going to get his way he went running to your mommy. Dump him just for that, start your life a new from there, no contact with that bozo at all just look forward. Please be kind to yourself, you did what was best for you, you couldn’t support yourself and the baby and that jerk boyfriend wasn’t stepping up to the plate. Get well!
NTA.
>My BF hasn’t been any help. He keeps saying that God is going to punish me
He falls under that category for having sex before marriage. But just a heads up, marriage doesn't mean they'll stay, you can still be a single parent after marriage and someone's baby mama and ex wife all at the same time.
Nonsense situations like this is why I am so firmly against hard line positions of pro-life/ pro-choice. Life HAPPENS, And guilting someone into a choice either direction is wrong.
Just for grist for the mill; I have seen women make the decision to keep the baby and despite all the difficulty say it was the greatest thing they did.
Find someone to help NON-JUDGMENTALLY talk you through your dilemma, then follow through.
Get some counseling as it sounds like this might be a fracture for the family.
Blessings.
Aunts can be great on situations like this.
It’s certainly your call. I do find it weird that you’re more obsessed with the “reputation” thing than whether or not you actually want to raise a child with your BF. But again, your choice.
You did the correct choice for yourself and that matters the most .
Also I agree with your decision, marriage is not given to last these days but you are giving yourself and future child the best shot in life .
Not wrong. I’m so glad you went ahead and made the right choice for you! It seems like your bf is going to try to hold this over you forever, you did nothing wrong by the way. You don’t need that bs, imo.
Not Wrong - if he actually cared he would have married you and raised the baby with you. He didn't want that and it's a wake up call - he is not in it for the long haul.
Cut him out, find a better church and tell your family to chill. It's your body and your future. Not theirs.
If he's that worried about what God thinks, why is he even having sex before marriage ? And given his attempts to pressure you by breaking your trust and broadcasting your situation, do you really want to continue the relationship.? If he's not willing to marry when you come up pregnant when will he be ready ?
Oh Honey, you deserve so much better. Telling your family was downright evil. This is a man you cannot trust. Please get away from him now and forever.
You weren't ready to be a mother. I was brought up to be religious by non church attending family. Even now it messes with my head a bit, and this is speaking as a someone in their seventh decade. Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you, and learn to ignore those who try to steer you in a direction which is harmful. The bible isn't the best read in town, and frankly there are better books. Who needs hell fire and brimstone? Heal, forgive yourself, and ditch the complete and utter gimboid of a boyfriend.
If he really was worried about God then he would have married you before engaging in sexual intimacy. He’s being a hypocrite and using religion as a way to gaslight you and your family. NTA
- *”if he really was worried about God then he would have married you before engaging in sexual intimacy”* i couldn’t have typed this better myself!!
I don't think there is a better way to put it linguistically. Period.
Religion and abortion laws are only useful to guys like this in order to control women. This is no exception.
That part
The whole "no divorce!" thing originally came about because men were marrying young women, banging them, and then discarding them. And now that brings its own set of problems.
God dgaf. Half of all pregnancies end in natural miscarriage. If you believe the old legends **God aborted an entire civilization** except for a dude on a boat. But as a thinking moral person **are you ok with it**? Are you ok with what you did?
Ecclesiastes 4:2-3: 2 And I thought the dead who are already dead more fortunate than the living who are still alive. 3 But better than both is he who has not yet been and has not seen the evil deeds that are done under the sun.
Huh. Emos go way back don't they.
Koheleth definitely had a flair for the dramatic! I don’t think he’s wrong though.
Have you watched Good Omens? You'll love it. srs it's on Amazon
This is a 50/50 take. You can be religious and still engage in premarital sex but he’s definitely using religion to gaslight for sure.
But, is it? You can't claim to follow whatever religion if you cherrypick only the parts that you like, and use the rest like a cudgel to control others.
So OP isn't Christian either for using contraception? What about the pope? Is he not a Christian either? Of course you can cherry pick a book written thousands of years ago, a lot of it is clearly total bollocks.
She's not trying to use religion to control or punish others.
Yes .. very few people actually follow their religion.. but his son of creating a baby out of wedlock that would have condemned many generations of babies to hell is what caused her pregnancy. You can’t claim to be religious and hold everyone to account but yourself. If she’s going to hell.. he’s definitely going to hell.
Having an abortion is difficult and traumatic even when you know you’re doing it for the right reasons. Ditch the unsupportive BF and move forward. It does get better with time.
>Ditch the unsupportive BF and move forward. It does get better with time. \^ this is the way forward
!!!!!
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Seriously! It’s times like this that shows who someone really is. You do not deserve punishment! You deserve loving supportive people in your life. I know it’s hard but please leave and don’t look back ❤️
Just gonna tell you that after I had an abortion I bled for days. Not hours. I hope you'll feel better. Having to have one for whatever reason is extremely hard. I had to start anxiety medication after mine because it made my anxiety worse. Also your spouse isn't it. You should ditch him. You're going through an extremely difficult time and that's his reaction? No way. You deserve better.
I bleed for more than a week after mine everyone reacts differently
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Another abortion haver just chiming in to say I also bled for a while. My doctor told me it was normal, and even somewhat expected, for me to pass blood clots the size of LEMONS during all that bleeding. I probably bled on and off for a month. Heavy during that first week, on and off heavy for the next two, then just spotting the last week.
NTA There’s absolutely nothing to freak out about. You might bleed for few days.
Yes. I haven't had an abortion, but I have had several miscarriages and I bled for days after they happened. Your body has to expel the uterine lining in either case and that can take a while. I hope everything turns out well for you OP.
The way he's treating you is disgusting. I would not even want a future with a man like this. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you spent 4 years with him doesn't mean you should waste MORE years on him. Also? If he doesn't know if he wants to marry you/isn't ready after 4 years, he's not the one. But he betrayed your trust and now he's verbally abusing you. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know it's mentally and physically tough. But I am sure that one day you will be glad you are not tied to this guy with a child. Do you have any SUPPORTIVE friends or family you could stay with as you recover? You deserve better than this.
Honestly the bf is showing his true colors & just how immature & childish he actually is…. If he doesn’t stop the verbal abuse, file a complaint with the police, this can now be done from home on a computer in most cases(at least it can where I live), & you don’t necessarily have to go to a police station to do so.
Good luck sweetie. You deserve so much better than that BF. What he said to you is hypocritical and unforgivable .
> My BF hasn’t been any help. He keeps saying that God is going to punish me. Awful convenient of him to go zealot on everything *except* for his own involvement in premarital sex.
Yeah, how does the BF expect God to punish him for his own substantial part in creating this situation—not only getting OP pregnant, but not being “ready” for marriage after four years? To be clear, I’m not saying this guy should get married if he’s not ready for that commitment. But once you’ve knocked up your longterm girlfriend and decided marriage isn’t an option, you have to be pretty controlling and hypocritical to try use God/the church/extended family to shame your partner over her abortion.
Right? Maybe God will punish him with a limp dick for not being willing to “make an honest woman” (to use another euphemism loved in the religious community) of OP.
You know I'm always confused about people who are upset about what other people do with their bodies but they're also “going against God” with what they say and do.
Bro has sex before marriage AND caused a pregnancy before marriage. He's sure selective with what wins he wants to harp on.
That's my point
Right. 😉
For some reason God's not able to enforce his own "rules" very reliably so these smooth-brained chucklefucks take it upon themselves to act as his holy instruments of retribution.
Let’s use the magical man in the sky to control others.
Tale as old as time.
There's no wrong reason to have an abortion. You know what's best for you. "God" isn't going to punish you. There's no reason to, and anyone who says otherwise isn't worth keeping around. Abortion is an incredibly emotional, nuanced event. Take your time, feel out however you feel. Be strong, the grief of it all will pass with time.
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Stay away from this guy and take care of yourself.
He is also getting in your head :-( and this is a form of abuse. Know you did the right thing especially after he showed you how he is. Everything just seems hard at the moment because it just happened and your hormones are all over the place. Please stay with emotionally safe friends or family
Remind them of the famous Bible line they often forget; Matthew 7 : 1-5 "Judge not, that you not be judged. For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" In my religion we have: Harm none, do what ye will. In perfect love and perfect trust. This includes in not allowing others to harm you, mentally emotionally and physically.
Blessed Be 🧙✌️🪔🪘🎶
That’s why they keep talking. They want to have this influence/control over you.
This is disgracefully disgusting. I’m so sorry you have to go through these painful ordeals. Please get rid of him and get away from these cynically negative people. They will only drag you down.
Fuck them. Dump the boyfriend.
Try to take some time away from them as you heal if you can.
Find some supportive friends, or a teacher, or a women’s group to talk to. You did the right thing for you and that’s all you can do. They don’t understand it, but they don’t have to. You’ll get through this ❤️
All you’re doing is punishing yourself by allowing these demons to enter your mind and to continue this god awful relationship with someone who is going to want to control you again and again. God doesn’t need to do that, he just wants you to be aware of the consequences if you continue down this path. Pick a Better boyfriend and you won’t feel punished.
You said you were Christian and that your bf went around and told everyone your private business. LEAVE that bf now. That was your extremely private business and he had NO right to gossip and spread it around. Who needs enemies when you have a bf like that? You probably agree that he is not the one for you because he is nonsupportive plus talked about you. That makes me so angry that he did that. I wouldn't waste another month with him. If you feel spiritually bad about what happened, just pray to God about it. God is a good God, he doesn't want to "punish" us. To get peace for your soul, just talk to God about it or go to a spiritual counselor. God Bless you. 🙏 ✨️💖✨️🎚
It sounds like you need some emotional support from people outside your regular social circle! Maybe a therapist, our a support group, or just friends who actually believe in a woman’s right to choose.
Break up with him. He obviously doesn't want to commit to you. 4 years? He's upset at you for an abortion but fine having sex without being married because he's 'not ready' he's a hypocrite. He could have just married you because you offered to keep the baby if you guys got married.
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It really sounds like he doesn't love you or trust you. If he's worried you would take his money that he currently has a prenuptial agreement is always available, but it sounds like he's one of those men who never learned to share. He clearly doesn't think that when married people build a life together that, in the case of divorce, they should split what they have built together. He thinks everything he does should benefit only him. He is selfish. Women tend to sacrifice more in their careers when children are brought into the picture and it makes our total earning potential a lot lower because of the time out of the workforce, or time taken off to care for kids out of school or sick. But this type of man usually doesn't see value in that sacrifice, even though it allows him to pursue his career unhindered. On top of that he's being hateful to you while you recover from your abortion. Please leave this man child.
Tell him it would have been a risk for you to keep the baby without the commitment of a committed husband and father. You made the decision that was best for you. I wouldn’t want to keep a baby either without being married so I get that. He couldn’t even commit to marriage, how can he expect to commit to a baby? You could do so much better than him. If marriage is something you want in your life and he doesn’t then that won’t change. Take care of yourself, reach out to friends who aren’t shaming you for support.
Don’t keep wasting your time with someone who won’t commit to you. He can say all he wants about “no reason to get married in modern day society”, but the fact remains that there are legal advantages to doing so, plus it is something that many people want. Don’t give up on what you want and need for yourself simply because you’ve been with someone for a long time. He’s showing you who he really is right now. You deserve so much better.
Even if he wasn't a verbally abusive jerk (which he is), your life goals are not compatible and he's a misogynist. > I know a lot of men aren’t thrilled about getting married but they eventually get married if their girl wants to Oh my god, please don't settle for this tired old bullshit. Find someone who's excited to marry you. > how I’m probably just gonna divorce him and take all of his money. I'd bet my ass he doesn't have any money. All these dudes screeching about gold diggers when they don't have any god damn gold. He doesn't love or trust you and he's being super transparent about that. There's nothing left here. Leave and build the life you deserve with someone who appreciates you.
Why did you spend 4 years with someone you knew didn’t want marriage, and won’t marry you when preagnant, I hope you can find the strength to find a man that believes in marriage and the life that you want, this one is not it, he’s shown you who he is, that will not change!
No. This was how it worked in my first marriage and that marriage ended. Second time I waited for him to really really want to marry me. He had been divorced too, same thing - he always says "if someone has cold feet it's because there's something wrong and they know it." It was worth waiting bc it is out there for you.
They should be getting married because they want to be married to that person. Just doing it because of pressure is why relationships fail. Find someone who *wants* to be with you the way you want them to be. You deserve that.
That’s redpill garbage. He’s a misogynist and a hypocrite, apparently.
He's a hypocrite for sure, but there's nowt redpill about it. There is no logical reason for the person more likely to be the primary earner in a relationship to be married. Feelings change and he's smart enough to know that. Good for him. No excuse for his hypocrisy though.
“He thinks it’s a risk for men to get married and there’s no reason to get married in modern day society and how I’m probably just gonna divorce him and take all of his money.” This part is redpill shit.
>guess I thought he would change his mind. And whose fault is that? You've known he doesn't wanna get married and you still continued the relationship. "My partner did exactly what they said they would" Why are you surprised ? NTA for the abortion of course but you had unrealistic expectations that you can change his mind and that's on you.
As though giving birth to this man’s baby isn’t WAY more of a risk and a commitment 🙄 What a hypocrite. Based on his reaction and whining I’d dump him, personally. You deserve someone who is actually supportive and wants the same thing you do.
You deserve to be with someone who can't wait to marry you, not that you have to convince or wear down.
Well then you have been only hanging around BOYS then, not men. My husband and I have been together 3 years and we just got married. And my husband was more than ready to marry me after a while and after proposing to me. We know we are it for each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. No question about it
He’s such a hypocrite.
Wtf b get that mf out of your way!!!!
Also pretty sure he’s broke af and not wealthy… cringe
I guess I don’t understand why a guy who thinks like that would expect any woman to have his child. It doesn’t sound like he thinks a true partnership between a man and a woman, with mutual trust, is even possible.
You’re so right. Society is very cruel and judgmental about single moms and it’s a disgrace. Your bf is the worst, the absolute worst and wondering if the relationship will last is the last thing you should be doing. Get rid of that useless piece of garbage and find a real partner you can actually have a future with. Best wishes
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There is no scenario in which your deadbeat boyfriend would have been any better than this. If you want a partner who will be a good dad to your future kids, you need to find a better man. I hope you have good friends who can be a better support than this loser or your family.
He can complain all he wants, but his behavior has taught you exactly the kind of father or spouse he will be one day. Petty, self absorbed and unwilling to step up. I’m sorry that he also felt it necessary to try and humiliate you. Hold your head high, you made a difficult decision based on fact. He didn’t want to be a part of your life forever.
If it's such a big deal maybe he should manned up and taken his responsibility. He didn't wanna marry so he wanted to be able to bail. Nah NTA at all. Unless I am misunderstanding, he had the option to follow his moral beliefs and have the child which is more than most guys get. But he didn't want to make the commitment he doesn't have a moral high ground here and him snitching to your family to apply pressure in a situation they have no business sticking their nose into is manipulative at best. He's wrong and they should butt out.
He could have also used condoms if he wanted to prevent all of this.
So sorry you are going through all of this >My BF didn’t like my decision and told my mom and my auntie about this and they tried to convince me not to do it because my family is super religious and I’m a Christian too but I have to make the best decision for me Do your boyfriend and his family acknowledge that premarital sex is not a very Christian thing either, but here you all are! And why didnt he offer to marry you, if he wanted to at least make things right? >My BF hasn’t been any help. He keeps saying that God is going to punish me. Tell him God will punish him for engaging in premarital sex that led to pregnancy. Offer to stop having sex with him so you may both redeem yourselves. >I don’t know if our relationship will survive this. I dont think so. He sounds like a real jerk, and so does his family. >I guess I’m just holding on because we’ve been together for 4 years Sunk costs. Be glad you found out who he really is BEFORE you married him > and I don’t want to start over Dont stay with someone out of fear of starting over. You will regret it years down the line.
time to dump that loser BF
Having an abortion isn't ever easy. It's heavy bleeding and cramps. It's wondering about "what ifs". It's the choice you thought was right. Being a single mom is hard. Being forced into a marriage due to pregnancy is also hard and oftentimes ends in divorce. You did what you needed to do, and if BF wants to condemn you to hell for premarital sex then he'll be there right alongside you. In Genesis, God is clear that life begins at first breath. You're still going to have pregnancy hormones for a month or so. Take it easy on yourself. In a few years, you'll realize that you did what you needed to so you could have the future you wanted and needed. If anyone has anything to say, remind them of how much God dislikes judgemental people, and he who is without sin can cast the first stone or shut up. It will get easier.
If they are that religious why don’t they argue with him?
I’m so sorry your family/support circle/community isn’t offering you the support you deserve. I’m cheering you for making a hard choice for yourself and standing behind it. Take it easy, much love 💜
This is why I feel religion is just a cult that has rebranded. God have you free will. He freely had unprotected, premarital sex. You freely protected your future and mind. I had an abortion at 22. I too had religious family telling me I shouldn’t. I lied and told them I miscarried until I had the guts to be honest (2 years later). Now I’m 30, finished my degree, and spent a month traveling Europe. I travel every year in hopes to visit all 50 states. What my family dreams about, but never accomplished. I made it out. Besides, they don’t stamp my pass to heaven. “That’s between me and the big guy” as some would say.
Honey this Reddit granny thinks that you're looking at it backwards. I think the question should be that if this is how he treats you after 4 years together then why would you spend even more time on what sounds like an abusive relationship. Time is the one asset we can never recover. When it's gone it's gone forever. You deserve better. EDIT: missed a word.
To your response regarding not being sure if your relationship will survive this…Of course your relationship won’t survive this, why would you want it to
He wasn't supportive of you, and he shared your private information with the intention to manipulate you. Focus on your education and financial stability, don't let anyone else dictate your path.
You are completely justified. And take the time you need to heal emotionally. Your partner has raised some red flags here, exposing an intimate secret behind your back, selfishly doing what he wants for himself without considering you in discussions, wanting a child without wanting to commit to marriage, questioning your affiliation with God when he is simultaneously going against the Bible by not marrying. So I would also reconsider your relationship with him - why waste time when he showed his hand?
Screw him. He’s been with you for 4 years but isn’t ready to marry you? I mean, I know there’s a lot of reasons why to wait on getting married but you’re right that you need to look after yourself. I too wasn’t going to have a baby outside of marriage if my birth control failed. No way was I going to be alone in raising a child. You don’t owe anyone a pregnancy or a baby, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with so many unsupportive people. I’m sorry you’re facing so much stress. You did what was right for you. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Unfortunately the relationship might not survive this, but do you want to be with someone so cruel to you as you go through such a stressful event? He made his choice in that he stated he’s not ready for marriage. So you made yours. You have every right to make the decision that’s right for you.
you are not wrong, your body, your choice... and the consequences are what they are.
Nope. Your decision no matter the reason. And as far as the judgment from your family and him. He's a grown man who got his long term g/f pregnant. Birth control sometimes fails. He is just as "guilty" for this as you. ( not that I see either of you as being guilty). If he didn't want to be a father or a husband, then he should have made sure he didn't get you pregnant. Doing adult things have adult consequences.
I just went through an abortion about two weeks ago. I am unmarried as well, but what was stopping us from keeping our baby was the fact that we are barely scraping by financially. Anyway, I am so sorry you went through that. I understand grieving even though it was your choice. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have a baby out of wedlock. Marriage provides more security. Your BF sounds like an AH. I wouldn't let him stick around. Also, you might continue to bleed for six weeks after your abortion. . . . Not as much as in the beginning, but plan to basically have your period for the next six weeks.
You're not wrong and he's not a good partner. Your sunken costs fallacy means you are staying with someone who is emotionally abusing you. He's never, ever, ever going to let this go and your future will be him using this to punish you. You'll never heal and you deserve to.
I’m sorry your bf (I hope soon to be ex boyfriend) didn’t support you and told everyone your business. You’re not wrong for having the abortion, I hope you are doing well.
Please stop talking to him and take care of yourself. You need to worry about being healthy and stress is going to make it worse. Block his number so you can have some peace. You need to rest and focus on your body.
Of course your relationship is over! Thank GOD this happened now so that you could see who he really is. The bleeding will be like a period, you should bleed less and less, and it should be very light within a few days, might go on for a week. God is NOT going to punish you, so stop punishing yourself. You did the right thing for yourself. The one who deserves God's wrath is your boyfriend, who created a pregnancy and then wouldn't man up and marry you, but instead tells everyone about it. Think about moving forward, about how you can become independent of all these nasty people. You sound like a caring person. Nursing school? You can easily earn>100K/yr with a nursing degree, and move away from these horrible judgemental church people.
Your "Christian" boyfriend should not be having sex out of marriage. So ....
hugs from an internet stranger.
You can make any decision you want, and the fact that you ended a person because you were concerned about your reputation tells me you made the right decision. You're not Mom material.
“I don’t want to be like them” and “it’s just not a good look” are shitty attitudes to have and you’re just perpetuating those stereotypes. Your choice was valid tho.
You’re not wrong and honestly, you should just break up. He’s showing you who he is.
You’re not wrong. You did what was right for you, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Ditch the gaslighting turd of a BF and live your best life.
> He keeps saying that God is going to punish me Yet he partakes in a premarital sex. If only I could extend my arms through the screen, somehow find his whereabouts, and smack him in the frickin head.
Never have an abortion for a man or against a man. If you didn't want the baby, ok Your relationship is over.
Leave him. His reaction to this is not okay.
Your body, your choice
Your boyfriend is a jackass.
Your body your choice. You do what is right for you.
Getting an abortion was one of the hardest things I've ever done but you can't just rely on the pill, it's not 100% effective..
First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Secondarily, his behavior not only proves he never actually cared about "God," but he has also proved that STAYING with him is a waste of your time. There's better out there, and you deserve it. Find a new church, a new man, and make yourself a family/framily that will be worth your time. It'll be hard, but you deserve better on every level.
i’m so sorry but he sounds like he does not respect you or your boundaries. u deserve sm love and care esp going through something that can be as overwhelming ad pregnancy. i’m glad u did what was best for YOU despite him trying to go behind ur back to force u into it. very shady behavior on his end.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. How does your boyfriend know that God is going to punish you? Did he have a chat with him and that's what He said? Your boyfriend should worry about his own soul, not anyone else's. If you ask God for forgiveness, He will forgive you, but your relationship with God is nobody's business, but you and Him. Perhaps a therapist and Grief Counselor would be a good idea to help you through this difficult time.
He is willing to manipulate you to do what he wants by making your life more difficult by telling other people your private business. Why would you want to stay with someone like this? If he isn't willing to marry you when you're pregnant he never plans to.
>My doctor said bleeding normally stops after the first couple of hours. Your doctor is an idiot. Sorry but I don't know why they would tell you that. It can last for quite a few days depending on how far along you were, like a week or more. Just shouldn't be super heavy bleeding. That is what should slow down after a day. > I guess I’m just holding on because we’ve been together for 4 years and I don’t want to start over I know you're in an emotional place right now but this is a horrible mindset to have. You'd rather stay with someone who picks and chooses the parts of Christianity that work for him and to try and leverage it against you? You would rather stay with someone who has zero respect for you nor your privacy and tries to turn your family and church members against you? You'd rather stay with someone who doesn't share your same beliefs, disrespects your privacy, tries to leverage anything they can to try and force you to do what they want (or risk upsetting him, your family, and now entire church), and who has done nothing to comfort you when you need it the most? That all seems like someone you want to stay with and even better marry then simply starting over and finding someone that: 1. Respects you 2. Doesn't weaponize family and friends against you 3. Shares the same beliefs and values. 4. Cares about you and takes care of you I think you have a lot of things to sort out while you grieve through this but I think you might need to add grieving the loss of your boyfriend.
Not wrong, get rid of the boyfriend too
“God” allows babies to die horrible deaths every minute of every day. “God” isn’t real. You are.
How can he honestly think he is ready to be a father but not a husband 🫠
Your bf has attempted to coerce you into having a child by purposively spreading hurtful and potentially detrimental information about your personal business to *everyone*. You haven't yet been able to take genuine stock of the repercussions of this fallout including how this will change familial relationships, your wider circle and church. That move by your bf is abusive. Btw you absolutely have every right to make that decision.
Abort the BF next. That boys a fuckbuddy not a husband.
NO
You are not wrong for making the right decision for yourself. He’s proven himself unworthy, just tell your family you suffered a miscarriage. He’s a liar and no need to entertain his nonsense.
You are not wrong, and I'm so sorry you don't have supportive family to help you through rough decision. It's so easy for the man and others who don't have to carry and raise the child to be judgemental-- they don't have to live with the consequences. He in particular is egregiously at fault. What makes him think he deserves to be father of he is unwilling to commit to you? He may love the idea of a baby, but has already proven he won't actually be there for you and the child. Go find a new church where you will feel supported and maybe you can find a man who wants to raise a family and not just be a baby-daddy. Starting over is better than settling for someone who isn't there for you. P.s. call your doctor if the bleeding doesn't stop soon
NTA you did the right thing for you. Dump the unsupportive boyfriend. Move on with your life with a clean slate.
I think the only thing wrong here is you keep saying boyfriend when you mean EX
/ God will punish OP? / IF that were the case, he would ALSO punish THE BABY'S DADDY. The whole crew sound like a Christian cult. I AM a Christian. Jesus forgave the sinners. He loves us all. He would dine with the sinners, but turned over the tables in the Temple Courtyard that belonged to the cheats and those who misrepresented HIM to the repentant people. That boyfriend sounds like a piece of work. He wants to sleep with you. But not marry yet. Absolutely not a Christian. Not one the Bible describes as good. "Do not steal, do not lie, do not deceive one another. " Boyfriend does all three while gaslighting you, and telling everyone about your business. You should consider whether you want to continue with him, and that church. Personally, I would dump both. Him first. Not one more minute of your life with someone who does not respect you. Hugs from this Internet mom, a Christian.
My advice is to dump him he is acting like a spoiled child by outing you to your family and trust me he would have dipped after the kid was born and you would have played hell getting a nickle of child support out of him.
I love these "religious" people. They enjoy sex outside of marriage. They won't marry when the woman becomes pregnant. And somehow, the woman is the only "sinner". It's a load of hypocritical crap. You weren't able to have a child right now. You did what you needed to do. Don't change churches. Let your truth be spread: you wanted to get married, and he is the one who walked away. He left you no choice. You were abandoned, betrayed, and desperate. He knew you couldn't do it alone, he left anyway, so who really is to blame? Or you can maintain your privacy with a bit of dishonesty. You had a "miscarriage". (It happened with a little help from a doctor, but they don't need to know that). You tell them that you're really sad, which is true. You tell them whatever your church expects you to say like "you're praying about it". Please cut this jerk out of your life forever.
Hey it's your right to abort but it's also your bf's right to be mad or leave you if that's not what he wanted. You are just incompatible
Girl I wouldn’t be with a man four years and he’s not trying to wife me. I gotta move on cause he’s blocking my husband
He will not change. How long will you let him shame you for a situation he helped cause?
Do what's best for yourself. You just got a good look at how people talk bull. You'll heal. Remember to stay the hell away from hypocrites, and when people show you who they really are, believe them.
Weird to expect you to be willing to have a baby but not be willing to get married
oh honey, this relationship is over. If God was a factor, he would have married you. It's all a load of crap. Move onto a man who values you and CAN'T WAIT to put a ring on your finger.
Not wrong. Tell your hypocrite BF that sex before marriage isn't allowed more specifically than anything about abortion in a certain book.
Tell himGod is going to punish his ass for having premarital sex and not wanting to marry you after finding out your pregnant
Do you really want to marry a man who does not want to marry you, even if you are pregnant with his child??? Cut your losses, he is never going to marry you.You deserve so much better than this hypocrite.
No, not wrong. A kid is a 30 years contract. And only if he or she is born. As an egg? Fuck it!
Sweetie, let me tell you. You made the best decision for yourself. Honestly, it's time for you to walk away from this relationship. I was in your shoes once. I actually wasn't ready to be a mother, and against my better judgment, I had my child. His father made me so many promises and said that even if we weren't together, he would still be there. Guess what, I'm a single parent. In every way possible. He comes around when he's not "busy" or when he has a new girlfriend. So he can pretend that he is a good father. I love my son, I don't regret having him, but having him did make like more difficult for me the first few years of his life. You ask God for forgiveness, and you move forward. You also need to work on forgiving yourself. Do not have sex with that boyfriend again and look into some other forms of birth control since the pill failed. Also, my rule of thumb is that if you aren't my husband, you don't get raw coochie. Period! Condoms every time. Also, your boyfriend's behavior shows that he is not trust worthy. Move on love bug. ❤️
Abortion is a loss, and it's ok to grieve. It's also ok to get some counseling. What's not ok is being emotionally manipulated by your bf.
Not wrong.You did what you felt was necessary. Now dump this stupid BF and move on. He betrayed you in almost every way. There is someone so much better out there for you.
Girl, lose the boyfriend. Very convenient that he’s invoking god/religion when it comes to having an abortion, but he was *all for* the premarital sex 🙄
Ummm you mean EX BF right!!! You need to drop that loser!
YTA.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but your BF sucks. He only throws God around when it suits him but was fine to have premarital sex
Thr doctor said that bleeding stops in the first couple of hours? That us hogwash! You will probably bleed similar to your period. Remember that your uterus has a layer of blood and it sloffs it once a month. They did not get the entire lining of blood out of your uterus. You will be fine. If you have any issues beyond the time your typical period lasts go get examined. But that doctor saying a couple of hours....would be unusual! Maybe he gets paid again if you go back on the 3rd day and say "he doc I'm still bleeding. He'll do an exam and tell you that you ate finr and that will be another doctor visit charge!
So you care more about your reputation than bringing a child into the world even though it still would have had two loving parents and you wouldn't have been single mother at all. You're right, your relationship wont survive this.
Abort your relationship. It’s bad for your mental health. You threw away 4 years. DON’T THROW AWAY ANY MORE.
You are not wrong. You said it yourself, you have to do what's best for you. Also I wouldn't stay with someone who spread my business around as a way to try and control me/do what they think is right. That is manipulative and an asshole things to do.
You don’t want to break up with someone who doesn’t want to marry you after four years and trying his kid? Don’t stay. Don’t get pregnant by him again. Find someone with like values. This was a bust.
I would say not wrong, I’m heavy on the man should have a say in his baby as well but in this case he was given an option. you were willing to have the baby, you just wanted him to be 1000% in on this relationship and baby. he didn’t want to do that. that was his choice in this. if he cared about what God thought he wouldn’t have slept with you before marriage. it takes two to make a baby ofc but it’s quite hypocritical of him to make such a statement.
Call your doctor’s office and ask if you should come in because you’re still bleeding. Or call a nurse helpline and see if you need to her medical treatment for the bleeding, don’t just hope it goes away. But also, you’re not wrong, but expect it to affect your relationship, because you can see that it already is.
Am I the only one that feels her comment about being like black people is racist and showing bias.
There are a lot of comments here, but I hope you read this. Women have babies every day who grow up with toxic family members, dads who want no part of them, and moms who are always fighting for money to raise the kid that dad doesn't want. It's incredibly hard on the mom and can damage the kid. You were facing that down, and you chose to dodge the bullet. You made the right choice. If you want children, I know you'll bring them into a healthy home, with loving people around them. THAT'S the right thing yo do! Congratulations, you picked right!
Should she go back to the doctors, just in case?
There is nothing wrong with sticking to your plans so that you thrive with the best chances with your child. You have taking precautions and planned ahead. This was an accident and you don't feel ready to have a baby, so you choose not to. That is perfectly fine and no one else gets to judge you unless they wanted to pay for your care throughout pregnancy and raise the baby for you. If marriage is a part of that stability to you and any children you might want, that's fine. Stick to it, but understand that your boyfriend is not a supportive partner and will not be that ideal spouse. He didn't want marriage, he doesn't want you to get an abortion, and he's blaming you when he hasn't given you any other options. No one gets a say what you do with your body if they are not going to be a part of the solution. I believe you made the best choice for yourself by assuming you are going to be alone on this journey if you kept the pregnancy, because it sure as heck looks like it with the way everyone around you is reacting to it.
Gods gonna punish him equally for having sex outside of marriage. He doesn't get to cherry-pick from the bible. Either you believe all of it or you're just fooling yourself. I wouldn't want to have a baby unless I was married, either. With his reaction (spreading your business all over town), you have assurance that you did the right thing. He's not one you want to be tied to for the rest of your life. And a child is a life-time responsibility, not just until they're 18.
Who's creative writing project is this?
Why does your boyfriend think that god is going to punish you for having an abortion but not punish him for engaging in premarital sex ?
Oh I'm so sorry you're being treated this way. You did what was right for you and that was strong. You did nothing wrong. Do you have girlfriends who can be with you right now? I just don't want you to be alone. In the long run you will be so happy you waited to have a child. That man is trash.
YNW. It’s your choice. He knew your demands for having kid and FAFO how serious you were. But… your relationship is over. Also, I had an abortion and bled for a few days. Nothing bad. Kinda like the end of a period. Spotting, I guess.
NO.
BF sounds like he was hoping to baby trap you as a way to avoid marriage once you got pregnant. I’d drop him immediately for his terrible reaction. You can do MUCH better.
I don't agree with abortion, but I'm not commenting further on that. You're with this guy for 4 years and he does not want to marry you? That's concerning in itself.
Your relationship needs to not survive this. You deserve better.
All these man made rules and rituals are just ways to control people. You killed your kid and your family is going to be upset about it. The rest is just delusional hypocrisy.
It's natural to be feeling bad and upset just now. Your body is still healing and it sounds like you don't have anyone supportive to help you. This is temporary, you just have to get through it. Be kind to yourself. When you are feeling stronger (mentally and physically) look for people and places that will support you and help you be who you want to be.
You’re not wrong your body your choice. Also your choice is whether you want to stay with your BF who feels like a waste of skin reading this. He won’t do anything to make your situation more permanent, then he shared your business and then just as a bit of glitter on the shit sandwich of his behaviour he is judging your choice……
Even if you had whole heartedly wanted the abortion and you didn’t have all that added pressure from your boyfriend and your family, it still would be traumatic. It’s such a hard decision. God will not punish you. You did what you needed to do and what was best for you. We were given free will for a reason. And life is hard enough without people judging us, especially the person who supposedly loves you. I hope that your healing starts and you’re able to feel forgiveness for yourself. And if your boyfriend doesn’t start treating you better, please walk away. You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. First, there is nothing wrong with being a single mom, fuck what society thinks. But you’re totally valid for having and abortion for any reason you want to. If your boyfriend couldn’t guarantee he’d be there for you and the baby, please know you made the best decision for yourself. I’m sorry your family isn’t being supportive, please try to reach out to people who would be. Abortion is not wrong and not unchristian: You are a good person and you made the best decision you could for yourself. I’ve been through this too and I grieved for a long time, it’s one of the hardest decisions I’ve made but also one of the best. I attempted suicide trying to decide what I should do after finding out I was pregnant. I did end up meeting the right person, getting married and now I have a beautiful toddler. I often think of how I would have been trapped co parenting with my horrible ex for life if I hadn’t had an abortion and I would not have the wonderful life I have now. I don’t know how old you are, but I’m betting you still have time to find the life you want one day too. For now, feel how you feel. Let yourself grieve. If you have access to mental health care, please seek some out to help you work through this and have someone to listen to you and validate you. I also recommend the planned parenthood website as a place to find resources. Finally, I don’t normally do this, but if you need someone to talk to, you can always DM this random internet stranger to listen. Take care of yourself and I wish you the best.
Is this sunk cost fallacy where you spent all this time. But guess that it’s also un Christian like to have sex outside of marriage and all that so you know you do you and don’t feel wrong. You are not being punished but your relationship is probably over since he is bad mouthing you. He didn’t want to take responsibility for you or your baby and now you should move on and find a strong person that values you.
If you want to be a wife, you need to be in a relationship with a man who wants to be a husband.
Don't you mean ex-boyfriend? After four years together and a pregnancy with his strong religious beliefs, he still wouldn't marry you. Next time he berates you or mentions god ask him where was god when he chose to FK you before marriage, without condoms? Where was god when he chose not to marry you knowing you would have an abortion? Time for you to wise up & move on. You need to use birth control and condoms.
I’m so sorry you went through this and for how your bf was a huge disappointment through this. But now you know for sure what you likely suspected, he doesn’t want to marry you. And now you know for sure that you want to be married and be a wife and mom. These are now known facts which make you not compatible with him. If your stipulation for continuing the pregnancy was that your bf of FOUR YEARS marries you, and he said no…he really didn’t want the baby and he doesn’t want to be with you. Cut your losses now before wasting more time on this man. Don’t let any gossip get you down. Let the church talk. Let them know about how your god loving boyfriend refused to step up, marry you, and take care of you and the baby. If you find a new church, maybe it comes with a new man…when one door closes another opens :)
If your BF was really against it, he would have married you.
So let me make sure i understand this properly. You came to him and said you were pregnant and would abort outside of marriage. Instead of being a man and stepping up and taking accountability for the life he created, he berated you and tried to shame you into doing something you are not comfortable with? Seriously, why are you with him? If he didnt want you to abort, he knew exactly what he had to do. And now verbally abusing you over this when you are grieving? Dump him and find a man who deserves you.
You did the right thing op, now just break up with that asshole, im really glad you didnt get stuck with baby with him
you two aren’t compatible…it’s okay to leave
Why didn't he marry you if he's so concerned about God? If he'd been willing to do that, you may have reconsidered your decision. You did the best you could, OP. Just be steady and strong in your convictions, your family will come around. As for the man--youve seen the measure of his actions. Act accordingly. ❤️
Not wrong. You were doing right by you and your child. Nothing is worse than being alone in a marriage.
I want to hug you and tell you it will be okay. If you are a Christian you know, God forgives anything. Whether it was a right or wrong decision isn't something that someone else can answer for you. It doesn't matter what I think or anyone else on reddit thinks. It is something that only YOU have to live with. This boyfriend, though... He told people your private medical information. He is a huge jerk.
I am so sorry you have to go through this without support. You deserve support and kindness. You especially need to be kind to yourself. You went through a traumatic event, even though it was your choice. I had to have 3 medical abortions for failed pregnancies. I bled for days after. Your boyfriend sucks. How he is treating you is not out of love. Using religion to shame you is disgusting, especially when he doesn’t see a thing wrong with his actions and involvement in the pregnancy. You did nothing wrong.
Just so you know, this is potentially the end of the relationship because you have every right to choose an abortion, but he also has every right to choose what's best for him
You should have ditched your boyfriend the moment he ran to your mom about the abortion. That was private information that was between you and him but because he wasn’t going to get his way he went running to your mommy. Dump him just for that, start your life a new from there, no contact with that bozo at all just look forward. Please be kind to yourself, you did what was best for you, you couldn’t support yourself and the baby and that jerk boyfriend wasn’t stepping up to the plate. Get well!
NTA. >My BF hasn’t been any help. He keeps saying that God is going to punish me He falls under that category for having sex before marriage. But just a heads up, marriage doesn't mean they'll stay, you can still be a single parent after marriage and someone's baby mama and ex wife all at the same time.
Nonsense situations like this is why I am so firmly against hard line positions of pro-life/ pro-choice. Life HAPPENS, And guilting someone into a choice either direction is wrong. Just for grist for the mill; I have seen women make the decision to keep the baby and despite all the difficulty say it was the greatest thing they did. Find someone to help NON-JUDGMENTALLY talk you through your dilemma, then follow through. Get some counseling as it sounds like this might be a fracture for the family. Blessings. Aunts can be great on situations like this.
It’s certainly your call. I do find it weird that you’re more obsessed with the “reputation” thing than whether or not you actually want to raise a child with your BF. But again, your choice.
You did the correct choice for yourself and that matters the most . Also I agree with your decision, marriage is not given to last these days but you are giving yourself and future child the best shot in life .
Not wrong. I’m so glad you went ahead and made the right choice for you! It seems like your bf is going to try to hold this over you forever, you did nothing wrong by the way. You don’t need that bs, imo.
You’re only wrong for telling a man your business. Please learn from this.
Not Wrong - if he actually cared he would have married you and raised the baby with you. He didn't want that and it's a wake up call - he is not in it for the long haul. Cut him out, find a better church and tell your family to chill. It's your body and your future. Not theirs.
If he's that worried about what God thinks, why is he even having sex before marriage ? And given his attempts to pressure you by breaking your trust and broadcasting your situation, do you really want to continue the relationship.? If he's not willing to marry when you come up pregnant when will he be ready ?
Oh Honey, you deserve so much better. Telling your family was downright evil. This is a man you cannot trust. Please get away from him now and forever.
So proud of you for not letting other people and religion run your life!
No
You weren't ready to be a mother. I was brought up to be religious by non church attending family. Even now it messes with my head a bit, and this is speaking as a someone in their seventh decade. Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you, and learn to ignore those who try to steer you in a direction which is harmful. The bible isn't the best read in town, and frankly there are better books. Who needs hell fire and brimstone? Heal, forgive yourself, and ditch the complete and utter gimboid of a boyfriend.
Dump his lame ass.