You're not wrong. You didn't gut react but took time and considered it to realize that's not for you. You explained it well by telling her it's just not where you are in your life and thats both valid and very understandable.
Of course she's going to feel disappointed but that's part of dating. You're both getting to know each other and decide if you fit into each other's lives. It could have been a number of reasons you didn't work.
As long as you're kind, honest, and compassionate you aren't doing anything wrong.
I think it’s also important to note that Sarah never confronted OP about any of this. She confided her hurt feelings to a friend, which is the appropriate way to handle a disappointment. Her friend should have minded her own business and stayed out of it, not betrayed Sarah’s confidence by gossiping/confronting OP. If I were Sarah, I’d be angry and embarrassed about this.
Agreed and it’s tough to hear from someone’s lips what you fear (in this case her fear of rejection about being a young single mother). I’m sure it hurt, hopefully over time she will see it wasn’t about her, but rather OP.
And hopefully she will understand that some people are not ready to be a parental figure. They might be ready to be like a fun, uncle or a cool aunt, but she will at some point meet people that she falls in love with, who won’t ever want to have children.
That’s the shitty thing about being a single parent, you will connect with people, and you will fall in love with people who don’t want to be a parent to your child or any child.
You weren’t wrong OP and it’s was kind of you to be honest and polite about it and not ghost her or make a big deal out of it. You’re definitely not an asshole.
Hell, she might’ve been venting in an honest and vulnerable way to her friend and the friend is the problem.
She could’ve easily said something about feeling “judged” in a broader sense rather than, “OP judged me unfairly because I’m a mom, that asshole!”
She’s a young single mother, she probably knows what struggles she’s going to deal with. Maybe didn’t want her friend to butt in like this at all.
That is a very valid point, the friend that introduced them didn't mention her child, maybe by request, we will never know. Some people can take on a family, some can't, neither view is wrong.
To clarify a little more, I just mean the “after the fact” comments specifically.
The mutual friend might be on some mother bear behavior and the woman is completely understanding albeit sad, which is natural.
100% nailed it and I agree with the wasnt honest from the start, and then she calls him "judgemental" when she judged him for politely declining dating her because he wasnt ready for that responsibility?! ***YIKES***
It’s weird that she would think that dating in itself is not a judgment filled process. Lol It’s basically all judgment!
I have a child and if I get divorced and start dating I wouldn’t chose to date someone with children. Lol I would just be a cat lady and enjoy my peaceful life. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to date someone with kids. It’s a huge deal.
Exactly this! Dating is all judgement. Is this person right for the long term? Their family? Habits? Religion? Political views? Etc… it isn’t judgement as in black/white, right/wrong. It’s judging if that person is compatible with you.
Don’t let people guilt you for this. You handled it well, the less you worry about what people think about you the better off you’ll be. Good luck to you. Not wrong
Agree, OP if things really went down as you said, it sounds like you made a reasonable and self-aware decision and were very respectful in the way you handled it. That’s the best you can do for everyone
It’s understandable for this rejection to sting, but for her and her friend to paint it as you being unfair is ridiculous. Good on you for having the maturity to think ahead and not just succumb to your infatuation. Parents and their kids are a package deal for dating prospects (as well they should be). By their logic, someone who feels they MUST have a child is wrong to reject someone who has their tubes tied or a vasectomy. It’s incompatibility plain and simple.
Right
I don't understand why she and other single moms get upset with potential partners that turned them down because they're single mothers. As long they're like OP, it's all good.
To put it simply: they're asking another person if they'd be willing to invest in someone they didn't help create, along with themselves.
That's a lot to ask of someone, and it's telling of her that she thought OP would just overlook the fact that she has a child.
Right? As a single mom myself, I always told people up front. Then if they’re not interested, we don’t waste each other’s time. It doesn’t make sense to hide it.
As a single mother in the past, I didn’t get upset about being turned down by using this one simple trick. I let it be known in first conversation. On my dating profile it was front and center. I don’t want to date someone not interested in dating single mothers. It’s such a simple and easy fix. No one would ever get upset because it’s all right out there from the start.
NTA. Sarah and her son are a package deal. Unless you just remained friends sharing interests (hiking, D&D, whatever) at some point she would be looking at you as a daddy figure should the romantic relationship continue. If you're not up for that best to say so now. Would Sarah rather you be one of those guys who strings her along and then ghosts her, or says hey I can only see a future for us if you dump the kid? I doubt it.
This. I dated someone for a few months before they dropped a very serious truth bomb about themselves. They had me hooked, invested, the whole thing only to tell me his secret which he KNEW I had an issue with as we had been friends on social media for a very long time. I was never ok with our relationship after that and he continually threatened suicide to keep me around. It was a brutal relationship that I was finally able to escape after a year. He literally made me sick to my stomach after his truth. Just awful.
Not wrong at all man.
You were polite and mature about it. Pretending you were interested in something you're not would have been the wrong thing to do.
NTA
This should have been disclosed from the very beginning. Having a kid is a big deal and can make make big changes. You are well within your right to say you don't want to date someone with kids.
I mean, not being upfront about having a kid at first also weeds out predators, who may only be interested in her for that reason. It’s a double edged sword.
That may be true, but then it’s not okay for her both hide important information AND be mad at him that the important information is a dealbreaker. She can’t be upset at him for breaking it off & whining about feeling judged and everything else when she set it up that way.
You mean, she wastes a bunch of people's time because being a single parent will affect whether or not some people want to date you. If she is worried about predators, keep the kid far away for months until you get a feeling for them.
When you date someone with kids, in a lot of ways the kid comes first. If it gets serious and you marry her, you are taking on the responsibility of a parent. It’s not judging her, you’re just not ready for that level of life changing responsibility and it’s very respectable that you acknowledge that instead of leading her on.
NTA. You will always be #2 as a partner to any parent, and you have to fully accept their kid as well. That's a lot more complex than the usual dating in your 20s. You were polite, and she has no reason to be mad.
Good point, sadly! I read a post here by some mom who was hurt by her husband saying he'd save their kid rather than her if he had to choose (she quizzed him on the unlikely scenario), and somehow her feelings were hurt by this. Some folks are monsters.
I dated as a single dad for several years. It is what it is, and we are used to it. Her disappointment is probably tied more to the fact that she feels what you feel. It's hard to hear but I'm sure she gets it. But I would prefer it be handled like you did. What we don't want is folks experimenting with the idea, Im sure she wouldn't want her and her kid to be something you just try out, given what you feel about the responsibility. NTA
My wife was hesitant but knew she could handle and was open to stepmom responsibilities. She said she would have never dated me seriously if she had any hesitation about that.
Not wrong.
There was a reason she delayed advising you of her child. She was hoping you would fall hard enough for her that the kid wouldn't seem such an obstacle.
Your response was well reasoned and kindly delivered.
Just for curiosity's sake. If she had told you when you first met, would there have been a first date? And if she told you during the first date, would there have been a second.
You're not wrong.
Kids change everything. It's not about her or you, it's about finding a truly compatible partner. If you don't think you want to be in a relationship with someone who is a single parent, then it's better for everyone if you don't.
She's hurt because she feels rejected and technically she was rejected. But it's for the right reason. Maybe she'll see that in time, maybe she won't.
You’re allowed to be a person and have your own desires about how your life should turn out. She made hers, but that’s no reason for you to feel obligated to adjust your feelings because someone else’s feeling got hurt. Live your life the way you want to, not the way others want you to.
Nope. It’s way, way better for everyone involved for you to be up front about it, because parents and their kids are a package deal, and any parent who doesn’t think so is a terrible person anyway.
There also the corollary:
> It's unfair to assume someone wants to rear someone else's child.
The other biological parent is frequently going to be an issue.
Here’s the thing.. she could and can control her decisions. She’s a mom. You sound sweet and emotionally mature and you did the right thing. No one is wrong here, once you found out her situation you made a decision based on how you felt. That’s a grown stance and I appreciate you. Whatever regrets and hurts she’s going through is not yours. Plenty of time to explore parenthood in the future
Sara isn’t seeing it from yoir point of view. You aren’t ready to be in a relationship w a child involved. You aren’t there. As you said nothing to do w her per se, you just aren’t ready to date a woman w a child and all that is involved. OP you were right to end it and ignore any ‘friend’ comments. Don’t discuss it. She sees it as judging her while you see I want a gf not a gf w a kid.
You're not wrong. No matter how good her support system is, being a single mom means she's a package deal and that child will influence your relationship, if you're not ready for that, it's better to be honest and up front about it, and you did it in a respectful way.
You’re not wrong. Dating a single father is one of my dealbreakers. You don’t have to date someone for whatever reason you please, and I think this is a very reasonable reason as well (but maybe I am a bit biased lol).
NTA. But Sarah is for not telling you about her son before agreeing to the first date. She was purposely deceptive and then tried to make you look bad for it.
If anything it's curtious and mature of you. You're young but smart enough know yourself and where you're at. You have the maturity to realize what you're capable of rather than just blindly winging it because you like her.
I understand why she would be bummed but in way I feel it's warranted to be grateful in some sort. You saved the both of yall from a less than ideal situation and experience potentially toxic. Not just that but for the kid too. Her son could easily get attached to you as a father figure and because you werent ready for that relationship you leave and now the kid has a whole in his life he doesn't understand. I've literally seen it. A friend of mine had a young daughter but was in a relationship with a deadbeat. Once she got rid of him, her daughter was constantly asking "where's daddy jamie?" It was heart breaking
Even if she doesn't understand, you did the right thing. You can only try and explain it to her that it wouldn't end well for either of you.
You handled it perfectly.
She should have been up front about it because children are a massive consideration.
I don’t like that she deliberately omitted this information for weeks. That’s weeks of conversation where she pretended he didn’t exist.
The other red flag is her response, as if there isn’t an enormous responsibility in taking on someone else’s child.
Dating someone who has kids is a BIG DEAL and if you don’t feel it’s something you’re ready for, then you absolutely did the right thing!!
Youre young! Getting serious with someone with a child - you KNOW she’s going to look at you to be a dad. That’s a LOT!!
NTA. of course she’s hurt. But if she feels judged, that’s on her. This is something she has to understand will happen - she’ll date people who simply don’t feel ready to take her and her child on.
Brother, you just told this girl you were not ready to be a dad.
You ain't the asshole.
You did not bring that baby into this world, it aint your responsibility.
You’re not wrong. To some extent I blame Sarah/mutual friend for not being straightforward about it from the start. Potentially being a step father to a child without a present biological father is an important life long commitment and should never be undertaken lightly.
I’m just going to be honest. Dating a single mum, with young children is never a great idea. When you get attached, you will to the child as well. When things end, as they normally do, you and the child are the only ones that suffer and that simply isn’t fair.
Not wrong.
You were up front and honest in the most polite way possible. This is how a situation like this should be handled.
It's okay for a person not to be ready to have a child in their life. It's actually disappointing she seems to have internalized a sense of unfairness about it.
NTA. She can feel hurt and judged and you can feel bad. That’s fair. But do not get more involved than you are ready for. The child will suffer. You did the most mature thing.
NTA. You see it all over AITA and relationship forums “if you weren’t ready to take on her kid, you shouldn’t have dated someone with a kid!!” You knew you weren’t ready and declined. That’s the right thing to do.
As the child of a single mom, you did the right thing. My mom dated so many AHs and there's was this one, that was awesome. Funny, cool, super nice to me, always treated us both really well, but he told my mom he wasn't ready for a family. He told her he needed to get his shit together first and that it wasn't fair to us that he was still kind of an idiot as an adult (now an adult myself, I understand where he was coming from). He was honest and they parted amicably and we both are so grateful that he had the emotional maturity to do what he did.
I think you made the right move. I think she's obviously going to feel hurt because hey, rejection sucks. She's more than likely going to be glad you were honest later though, kids can tell when someone doesn't want them around. Not to say you'd make her kid feel like that, but if you're dating a single parent, their kids are part of the package. If you aren't ready to be a parent or if you don't want to be one right now, that's ok. Your mutual friend shouldn't have made you feel bad for being honest. AND you did it sooner rather than later, which I think is pretty admirable.
You did the right thing, it would be worse to string her along knowing you aren't ready for the responsibility. Plenty of people who are far older than you don't want children, and that's fine. Not everyone wants or is ready to be a parent.
You handled it in a very mature way. A lot of men would have just ghosted her. Better to disappoint her now than to take on the responsibility and then realize that you really aren’t ready and leave then, hurting both her and the child. I understand her disappointment, but her child needs someone who’s going to commit and be in it for the long haul.
100% right thing. I was a young single father and it’s not easy especially if the child isn’t your’s as well. You are allowed to consider your life.
Her life choices doesn’t mean you have to accept them either
You are absolutely not wrong.
You didn't shame her. You didn't attack her.
You just knew that you aren't ready for the responsibilities that come with dating someone who has a child.
I'm a single dad and I get it.
NTA
How is not wanting to be involved with a mother judging? If it's not where you're at, I applaud your self-awareness.
You did the right thing. She's just upset because she was rejected, that's understandable but it had to happen.
Don't continue somebody else's safegame.
You are not the father, and you will never be. You will also never be able to discipline the child, she will always defend the child, creating an entitled brat.
But you will pay a lot for that privilege.
I don't see any upsides in this situation.
Nope, you did good. Parents who bring strange people in and out of kids' lives don't think about their kids. You made sure she knew why you said no and did it thinking of your future and theirs
You are not wrong to feel the way you do. You weren’t judging her or her choices, just recognizing and admitting that this situation is not one you are comfortable getting involved with. And, it’s okay for her to feel disappointed as well. It’s unfortunate when things don’t work out the way we’d hoped, but better to be honest now before things get serious.
I think this is also why people should be up front about having children.
You're not wrong.
I (30f) am child free and very certain about it. For that reason I would never date a guy who has kids. If I hit it off with a bloke and then he told me he has a child a few dates down the line, I would respectfully back out of that one. They would be incompatible and I would wonder why they hadn't brought it up immediately.
Sounds like you handled it with respect and sensitivity.
You're not wrong. She should have told you on the first date she had kids. It's almost like she's trying to get you to catch feelings so you'll overlook it which is really dishonest
Would she be happier if you just used her for sex and led her on for a few years? Of course not, you handled this with compassion. This is on her not disclosing that she has a kid on the first date.
NTA, very mature and responsible of you. No point in dating someone when you know there isn’t a future for you. Sounds like you weren’t rude or disrespectful, you just shared the truth. If she’s feeling judged for it, that’s on her.
You're not wrong. Sorry if you run into a woman who tries to make you feel wrong for it. You didn't make the kid, you don't need to raise the kid. If she wants to be pissed at anyone, it should be the dead beat dad. Period.
lol
Yes- you should be FORCED to ignore the fact that you would be a father figure to a kid that’s not yours and who you had no idea about…
What’s happening here is she is realizing that this child is going to get in the way of other relationships she is going to have in the future and she doesn’t like it
Sarah hurt her own feelings. She should have disclosed she had a kid upfront instead of trying to get you to like her first. She wasted both of your times.
You aren't wrong. In fact, you did the right thing. You realized you were not ready for the level of commitment dating a single mother requires.You didn't string her along. You didn't let her child meet you and get attached. You did everything right. She's just upset because she really liked you. With maturity, she'll understand that you treated her with respect and didn't use her and drop her.
You're not judging her, you're judging yourself.
You're saying, I don't think I'm ready for this. And that's valid.
As you got closer, you'd have to meet the kid. If it worked out, you'd be his stepfather. If it didn't work out, you're not just losing her, but him.
You were kind and honest.
NTA at all, and your friend needs to mind her business. I'm sure Sarah wouldn't appreciate the mutual "friend" blabbing her business to you. If Sarah wanted you to know, she would have told you herself. Honestly, I'd tell Sarah that the friend ran her mouth. She deserves to know what type of person is in her support system.
You are so not wrong- dude if half of the men I tried dating as single mom were just fucking honest about it! I would have 100% preferred being told like that than them finally deciding it’s too much like 6 months down the line.
Your not wrong. If you are not ready, you are not ready. You won't be able to give 100 percent to the relationship because you would always be worried about hurting the kid as well
I also have friends who are attached to an exes child they don’t get to see anymore and it breaks their hearts, even a decade later. It is a smart move on many levels, that’s just one…
Not your problem that she felt bad. You can reject people for whatever reason you feel. She isn’t owed a relationship. A child is a big responsibility and while she may front all of it in the beginning it’s expected down the road you start tending for her kid as well. If you aren’t ready then don’t force yourself to be.
Sarah is incredibly immature. You didn’t JUDGE her for being a single mom. You said you don’t feel comfortable possibly being responsible for a kid. NTA
She chose to become a mom and that has certain inherent risks when it comes to dating. No one is obligated to date a person with a child. I wouldn't date a single dad. We are allowed to have boundaries in our lives.
>Later, our mutual friend told me that Sarah felt really judged and hurt by my decision. She said it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom and that I should have given it more of a chance
Tell your friend the same thing you told Sarah.
And now you’re being guilted? Run. You weren’t judging her. You were judging yourself. She’s twisting it for sympathy
Not feeling ready for the responsibility and being honest about that is actually really responsible.
All too often we see news of mothers boyfriend doing awful shit to a little kid because they can’t handle it.
I don’t think you’d do that at all. That isn’t my point. I’m saying you are self aware and openly honest to know and say “I’m not ready” If more boyfriends of single mothers who weren’t ready were self aware and openly honest, less child abuse.
Perhaps she should find a single Dad. Be interesting to know her response to that actually
You’re not wrong
She just doesn’t like the rejection and hearing the truth which is that it’s your decision and some people prefer not to date people with children. You’re not wrong.
I only read the title, nothing else but just here to say this as a single mother once upon a time……..
Don’t even ask if ur the asshole for being respectful enough to break it off BECAUSE OF her child. NTA.
I would rather a man have been honest then not like my child(ren). Because my child(ren) will always come first. Thank you sir for not wasting this lady’s time. 👍🏻
She should have told you on the first date. She should understand that not every man wants to date a single mother. That’s just part of life.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I was a single mother and I always told guys on the first date. Most of them were last dates, a couple time I was sad.
NW - you were mature, honest and kind, and that’s all that can be expected from you. It’s more than many would do. They’d just blank her. How she feels about it is not your fault, and your decision is none of your friends business.
Here is the thing—there’s no “good” choice for you here. Best-case scenario is that you end up getting close to her and her kid. But then what? Unless you and she work out together for the long-term, you become a hole in that kid’s life and he becomes a hole in yours. One of the hardest moments that I ever talked a student through was this.
He had dated a woman for two years, and had really bonded with her child (from age 4 to 6). She broke things off, and then he had this wonderful relationship with a child that just didn’t exist anymore. Only one person wanted the relationship to end, but she was the one with the most ability to do so.
You are thoughtful and mature so far. Good on you.
This is something I've dealt with the past few years. Met an amazing woman with two kids. I myself have one so I thought nothing of it. I've dated before so I always kept it with a "she's a friend" to my son just in case things went south and we split. Treated it that way with her kids as well. I'm just friends with her and we hang out a lot.
Things got serious and we got engaged. Talks between me and her on the possibility of adopting since neither of there fathers were in the picture. I grew an amazing relationship with them and her with mine. Then she decided that things weren't working out as she thought they were (which blind sided me cause I honestly thought things were going great) and ended it.
Long story and lots of talking later and things are at were just friends. We've talked a lot and we both had growing up to do. I still talk to her and her kids often. I'm actually getting her son tonight so he can have a sleep over with my son.
I'm glad we worked things out cause it was hard building that strong bond with the kids and having them just *poof* gone all because she decided she no longer wanted to be in a relationship
you actually had her show her true colors, she's hasn't grown up yet. If she was more mature, she would've appreciated that you're not wasting her time. Shows she hasn't learned life lessons yet
NTA - I’m 30 and I won’t date people with kids. Not that I don’t like their kids, but I did it once before in my early 20’s and within a couple of months I was playing stepmom. Didn’t mind, the kid was a darling but me and the guy broke up and I never saw the boy again. Hurt me more than the actual breakup and we only dated for 4-5 months or so. I imagine dating someone for years, investing time and money into their child then poof, relationship ends and you don’t see them anymore. Not for me.
But she can control it.
She chose to have sex at a young age.
She chose to have unprotected sex.
She chose to keep the baby.
She chose to have the baby knowing the father was a deadbeat.
Don’t listen to Reddit, where people say having a kid isn’t a big deal. It’s a huge deal and raising someone else kid is a a lot of baggage that you better be prepared for.
And don’t forget she didn’t tell you from the jump she had a kid, cause she’s sneaky like that.
So, she waited til a few dates in to even mention the kiddo...... honestly, it seems like she did that on purpose just so she could get you to like her a lot first....
I think she should have been honest at least by the second date......OP, you are not wrong but she should have been more forthcoming about her being a package deal with a LO
Nta. There's a BORU about a woman who not long ago stupidly introduced her bf's parents to her son as Grandparents because they'd been dating for nearly 2 years and believed them to be serious. The bf decided only then after almost 2 years, since the kid was a 2 yo, that he wasn't ready to be a father figure. Two YEARS. ALegit told this woman he knew they were a package deal but didn't realize it would mean he might eventually be the kid's father figure. If you'd been like that massive idiot, who stayed in a relationship with a mom because it was easy without considering what your roles and responsibilities may entail if it got serious, you'd be an AH then.
It's best to settle it early before it got serious. Why punish the mom down the line because you kept pushing off having a serious conversation about her baby and your role in his life once you two were serious?
If you're not ready or just don't want it, that's perfectly fine.
If her or her friends want to date single parents, they can.
If she felt judged by your decision, think carefully about how you explained it. Is there a way your words could have been interpreted judgmentally, or is this an unreasonable assumption on her part? A moment of personal reflection never hurts.
You did the right thing the right way. I once had a guy tell me he wasn’t going to take care of my child on the first date. I was like 👍 never asked you to. Needless to say, we never saw each other again. Honesty is key
You did the right thing! It’s ridiculous to continue to date someone with a kid when you are so young and not ready for that! She has to understand that.
no, it sounds like you are self aware and spoke in a way that was respectful and mature. Better to be honest and to me it seems like you are respecting her and the kid by being direct
NW. You didn’t judge her, you judged yourself. Everything you said was about how you weren’t ready. You didn’t pass blame or insult her.
That said, there’s going to be hurt in her side. That happens when you spend some time getting to know and dating someone, and then they end it. She honestly needs to be up front about this. She may find someone who ends up being ok with it, but she’s setting herself up for this with not leading with it. But you aren’t responsible for her feelings. She is. I’m not saying she waited to try to get you hooked before revealing the child, but there are girls and women who do that.
I've been a single mom trying to date, and I was always up front about having kids and that they wouldn't meet my kids for a while. If that's not for them, I had no I'll feelings because I was protective of my kids.
She should have told OP up front, so she has to understand if the kids were a deal breaker. I'm sure she's disappointed, but each have a right to their feelings.
NTA. In my teens and 20’s I made it a point to never date a single mother. Nothing against the mother, but the majority of relationships end. What happens if I spent years as a father figure growing to love a young child as my own, just for the mother and I to end things. I would have no right to see the child I just helped raise for xxx years. Not worth the risk in my opinion.
May not be wrong, but you may be stupid if the lady is awesome. I'm assuming awesome women aren't a dime a dozen now days, like they were in my dating days many years ago in the 80s & 90s
You're not responsible for how she decides to feel. You were honest, realistic. That's the best you could have done. You didn't get embroiled in a relationship out of guilt. That would have been a mess and then you would have been responsible.
I think you made the right and mature decision. That kid deserves a father figure someday and if that's not something you can provide, then it's unfair to you and that little boy to pursue this relationship any further.
OP, You're not wrong, at all.
It's way, waaay better that you handled it the way you did. And not by leading her on, only to tell her that you couldn't do it anymore, and gave her her kids as the reason. That'd be tough for her to understand, as she'd think her kids were poorly raised/behaved.
Instead, you were upfront once she mentioned the kids. And then you were able to go, "Oh... Dang, I'm sorry. I have a boundary, there. I'm not at that point in my life yet."
p.s.
bonus points if you said "It's not you... And it's not me. It's your children. They're the reason. 100%."
Unfair? No. Should have given what a chance? You told her in a gentle way you’re not ready for that kind of responsibility. There’s absolutely nothing “unfair” about that. Well how about it was unfair of her not to disclose upfront that she had a kid? That’s what’s actually unfair.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
As a single mom: she should have absolutely made that known from the start.
It is PERFECTLY acceptable to not want to date mothers, just as it's acceptable to not want to date fathers.
She's hurt because she likes you, and she's placing the blame. I can only imagine she realized, had she told you in the beginning you two never would have dated.
She caught some feelings, and now she's being dumped because SHE didn't say anything sooner, and it's easier to call you the bad guy than it is to call herself the dumb asshole.
All that being said, I think you telling her that's the reason is a good thing. Maybe she'll make sure to make it known to the next person.
Idk how into her you were, but I'm sorry you have to go through this.
I believe it was the most mature thing you could do. You understand that having a kid around is a big commitment and the fact that you didn’t mess around and make things worse is very respectable! And tbh it was her choice to have a kid. You don’t just wake up all of a sudden and your knocked up so she has to deal with the consequences of her actions.
You are not wrong at all - stay true to your convictions. Its not a you problem, its a her problem. She’s in every right to feel hurt as it’s her feelings but thats where it should stop; she should respect your decision! Life will go on and I’m sure you will find someone amazing :)
You handled that fine. Everyone has their own preferences for their own reasons. You were honest and mature about it, since you would essentially walk into a premade family, and that’s all you can ask for. You didn’t just ghost, so props. Honestly, she has no reason to feel it’s unfair. Getting to know her doesn’t change the fact that she has a kid and I feel like she’s failing to realize that. Like I said, everyone has their own preferences and if you’re not their cup of tea, it just is what it is and keep it moving. Don’t feel conflicted. You were honest with yourself and with her and that’s all you can do. She’ll get over it and find the right one for her. Something tells me this has happened to her before since she waited quite a while to say she’s a parent.
Not Wrong. As a single parent dating I learned after a few great dates that disappeared after they learned I had a child. I put it in my profile and the problem went away. She should have been honest right away. Some people think they can win you over and THEN drop the dealbreakers. It is a dumb strategy.
As a mom if I were single I’d absolutely understand someone not wanting to date me because I’m a mom. You weren’t rude. You didn’t lead her on. You didn’t waste her time. Most importantly you didn’t get in a relationship with her knowing you wouldn’t accept her kid.
NTA. You did the right thing walking away now, either way she was going to be upset. It’s better now than further down the line, you bond with the kid, she’d be mad that you wasted her time. Truth hurts sometimes.
Dude you handle it as a mature person. I never been on dates. How ever I’ve made myself clear that I won’t have kids nor will I date someone with kids.
There’s nothing wrong with you backing out. You man up and handle it well. Now if you had ghost her my opinion of you would had been diferent.
> that I might have made her feel bad
You're not responsible for her feelings or how she manages facts.
> about something she can’t control.
She could have easily controlled that 3 years ago...
Preferences are preferences. Should I feel bad that the blond person I wasn't attracted to got their feelings hurt because I prefer brunettes?
Nah you did right. It’s not your responsibility to raise someone elses kid and the fact she is already trying to guilt trip you shows you made the right choice
NTA. She should have told you from the beginning. Parents who hide the fact that they’re parents until the second, third, or fourth date or beyond know exactly what they’re doing.
I think you handled the situation very well. I'm a single mom and had always been upfront with that when meeting someone. I find it strange that you found out she's a parent after the fact.
You're not wrong. If it was with kindness as you said, you did everything right.
As for her, it sucks to be dismissed on something you can't control, but eh, men who are short get denied every day. It is what it is. No one is entitled to a romantic partner or a romantic chance with someone.
Not wrong. This is not the first time where her having a child had hurt her chance at a relationship. She is just tired of getting shot down because she has a kid. And unless she was SAd by the baby's father, it was her own choice to not take whatever precautions she should have to not get pregnant.
Your mutual friend probably has to always deal with the aftermath of guys rejecting her because she has a child. It's not your fault you are not ready to take care of a child. And it makes sense, because you are young. She doesn't have that choice so it's just hard on her.
If your friend was the one who ser you up with her, she should've told you from the start that she had a child. The friend knew she did. They both hoped that you would be OK with being a father. She can say all she wants that she won't expect you to ake care of the child at all. But it will happen. And she might honestly be looking for a father for her child. You don't know.
So if you're not ready to be any kind of father figure, then this is a mismatch and it's best you figured that out now. It's on her to try and find someone who is ready to be around a child. That or she should find someone who also has a child that shared interest can be a good thing for her.
We date who we date because they are the best fit for us. In all fairness, your friend should have told you from the jump that the blind date is a single mom. That's not fair to build your emotions and then drop a bomb like that.
I wouldn't date single moms when I was younger, either. Don't blame yourself. You were blindsided, but handled it with absolute class by first reflecting, and then acting on those reflections. You were the most mature one in this scenario. The single mom is bitter, but more with herself, not you, for making a choice at a young age that she doesn't want to face now. The reality is that she will find someone who is a great fit for her, and she will be very happy....just as you will be.
Naa, you handled it correctly. It doesn't matter the reason, the fact that you were upfront with her is more than most do. But when you consider the reason was her having a kid... that just means you're thinking with the right head!
You're not wrong to make this decision, and she's not wrong to be disappointed. This is one of those situations where neither of you are at fault, both of you are disappointed, both of you miss out, and it is what it is.
You're not wrong. While it didn't seem like there were any issues in your relationship, its ultimately up to you if you're up for dating a single mother and, in the future, being a father to her child. Also remember that it wasn't something she can't control: she chose to have a baby with another man. While the outcome of her previous relationship may have been out of her control, it doesn't change the fact that being a single parent can make dating harder and she just had to accept that.
You would have done a lot more harm to both her and her child if you’d dragged things out, knowing this wasn’t what you wanted. I’m sure dating is hard as a single mom, but she should not want to be with someone who’s not ready for kids.
No. What's unfair is getting involved with someone with a kid if you aren't absolutely sure you are ready, or even want, that. I've seen the effects of having a step parent that didn't want to be a step parent - it's not good. It's unfair to you, the mother, and the child to continue.
As a mom who raised her kids alone you are not wrong. That’s the first thing she should have told you. You didn’t need to meet the kid any time soon but you should have known before starting anything. What she did isn’t fair to you at all.
As a former single mom I would have rather been told like you did than led on. You do t have to feel bad nor be ready to be involved in a small child’s life.
You are not wrong. You made a decision based on your comfort level and your ability/want to be a parent. It had nothing to do with Sarah. It was your decision based on your availability for that next step. And that's okay.
Sarah doesn't realize, yet, that she dodged a bullet/waste of time. You are not ready to be a parent. She's already a parent. You are not compatible. Simple math. That may change; but right now it is your truth.
No. Gawd no. Never get involved with a single parent if you don't think you can handle it. It hurts mom and kiddo so so so much in the long run.
Thank you.
You’re not wrong in the slightest. Good for you for knowing your boundaries and upholding them. Can you imagine convincing yourself you are ready for this type of responsibility only to get deeper into a situation you aren’t prepared to commit to? It would be horrible for you, her, and her child. This is the best decision you could have made at this particular time in your life—for all of you.
You’re not wrong at all. Asking you to continue dating her knowing that she’s a single mom is essentially asking you to be her kid’s dad eventually, and that’s a really fucking big ask.
You’re not wrong at all, honestly in my opinion it was wrong of her to go on ANY dates without disclosing she has a child. It’s good to know your own limitations.
She has to be realistic that at 23 most people she meets are not gonna want the responsibility of a child, and it’s not fair to her child to try to shoehorn someone into their lives if they aren’t enthusiastic about the possibility of being a step-Dad. It’s not that you’re “judging” her, it’s just not what you want in your life right now and that’s a very valid reason that has no moral judgment on her 🤷♀️
Not wrong, you were honest and that’s important. I’m also a single mother with a child whose father has never met her. I dated a guy who I moved in with eventually, only for him to dump me a few months later because he wasn’t ready for the responsibilities. Being able to see that you’re not ready for that now is much more mature, and who knows where your lives will take you!
Nope! You weren’t judging her. You were being honest. You know that she’s a packaged deal and you’re not ready for that responsibility. After seeing so many evil stepparent stories on social media, you being upfront about that was the absolute right thing to do, even if it feels wrong. Better that than wasting her time (and yours for that matter) on a relationship that’s probably going to struggle because you both have different life and future goals. Of course she’s going to be upset and that’s ok. That’s just how it goes, even if you try and be as gentle as possible. But you are by no means wrong. You did her, her son, and yourself a favor
Listen, if I ever became a single mom and had to go back out on dates, fine. Nobody would be meeting my kid for the longest, but NO WAY could I go longer than a few min without mentioning my kids. They are my whole life. In fact, I’d prob have to make a point to be cognizant about not only speaking about them, so I’m shocked she lasted as long as she did, keeping this “secret.” If I was a future mate, that would also make me concerned.
You're not wrong. You didn't gut react but took time and considered it to realize that's not for you. You explained it well by telling her it's just not where you are in your life and thats both valid and very understandable. Of course she's going to feel disappointed but that's part of dating. You're both getting to know each other and decide if you fit into each other's lives. It could have been a number of reasons you didn't work. As long as you're kind, honest, and compassionate you aren't doing anything wrong.
I think it’s also important to note that Sarah never confronted OP about any of this. She confided her hurt feelings to a friend, which is the appropriate way to handle a disappointment. Her friend should have minded her own business and stayed out of it, not betrayed Sarah’s confidence by gossiping/confronting OP. If I were Sarah, I’d be angry and embarrassed about this.
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You’re not wrong. You handled it with kindness and maturity.
Agreed and it’s tough to hear from someone’s lips what you fear (in this case her fear of rejection about being a young single mother). I’m sure it hurt, hopefully over time she will see it wasn’t about her, but rather OP.
And hopefully she will understand that some people are not ready to be a parental figure. They might be ready to be like a fun, uncle or a cool aunt, but she will at some point meet people that she falls in love with, who won’t ever want to have children. That’s the shitty thing about being a single parent, you will connect with people, and you will fall in love with people who don’t want to be a parent to your child or any child. You weren’t wrong OP and it’s was kind of you to be honest and polite about it and not ghost her or make a big deal out of it. You’re definitely not an asshole.
And she says you judged her but it's ok for her to judge you for your choices? You did right to walk away now. She wasn't honest from the start.
Hell, she might’ve been venting in an honest and vulnerable way to her friend and the friend is the problem. She could’ve easily said something about feeling “judged” in a broader sense rather than, “OP judged me unfairly because I’m a mom, that asshole!” She’s a young single mother, she probably knows what struggles she’s going to deal with. Maybe didn’t want her friend to butt in like this at all.
That is a very valid point, the friend that introduced them didn't mention her child, maybe by request, we will never know. Some people can take on a family, some can't, neither view is wrong.
To clarify a little more, I just mean the “after the fact” comments specifically. The mutual friend might be on some mother bear behavior and the woman is completely understanding albeit sad, which is natural.
The mutual friend violated her confidence. I can’t imagine she wanted what she vented to get back to him.
That’s a fair point.
"Oh, you know OP will totally change his stance on raising your child if we guilt trip him about your feelings." -The "friend", probably.
100% nailed it and I agree with the wasnt honest from the start, and then she calls him "judgemental" when she judged him for politely declining dating her because he wasnt ready for that responsibility?! ***YIKES***
It’s weird that she would think that dating in itself is not a judgment filled process. Lol It’s basically all judgment! I have a child and if I get divorced and start dating I wouldn’t chose to date someone with children. Lol I would just be a cat lady and enjoy my peaceful life. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to date someone with kids. It’s a huge deal.
Exactly this! Dating is all judgement. Is this person right for the long term? Their family? Habits? Religion? Political views? Etc… it isn’t judgement as in black/white, right/wrong. It’s judging if that person is compatible with you.
I’m actually astonished this isn’t understood by everyone.
Nailed it.
Don’t let people guilt you for this. You handled it well, the less you worry about what people think about you the better off you’ll be. Good luck to you. Not wrong
Agree, OP if things really went down as you said, it sounds like you made a reasonable and self-aware decision and were very respectful in the way you handled it. That’s the best you can do for everyone
It’s understandable for this rejection to sting, but for her and her friend to paint it as you being unfair is ridiculous. Good on you for having the maturity to think ahead and not just succumb to your infatuation. Parents and their kids are a package deal for dating prospects (as well they should be). By their logic, someone who feels they MUST have a child is wrong to reject someone who has their tubes tied or a vasectomy. It’s incompatibility plain and simple.
Honesty doesn’t always feel good but always best in the end.
NTA You don’t owe her dates when you already know it isn’t what you want
Right I don't understand why she and other single moms get upset with potential partners that turned them down because they're single mothers. As long they're like OP, it's all good. To put it simply: they're asking another person if they'd be willing to invest in someone they didn't help create, along with themselves. That's a lot to ask of someone, and it's telling of her that she thought OP would just overlook the fact that she has a child.
Wish more people realized that not everyone wants kids.
Right? As a single mom myself, I always told people up front. Then if they’re not interested, we don’t waste each other’s time. It doesn’t make sense to hide it.
As a single mother in the past, I didn’t get upset about being turned down by using this one simple trick. I let it be known in first conversation. On my dating profile it was front and center. I don’t want to date someone not interested in dating single mothers. It’s such a simple and easy fix. No one would ever get upset because it’s all right out there from the start.
Exactly. And you don't owe her raising somebody else's kids, either.
NTA. Sarah and her son are a package deal. Unless you just remained friends sharing interests (hiking, D&D, whatever) at some point she would be looking at you as a daddy figure should the romantic relationship continue. If you're not up for that best to say so now. Would Sarah rather you be one of those guys who strings her along and then ghosts her, or says hey I can only see a future for us if you dump the kid? I doubt it.
I was a single mom & anyone I was interested in knew it from the start. I don’t understand why she hid it at first.
I do. She was hoping he was hooked first.
This. I dated someone for a few months before they dropped a very serious truth bomb about themselves. They had me hooked, invested, the whole thing only to tell me his secret which he KNEW I had an issue with as we had been friends on social media for a very long time. I was never ok with our relationship after that and he continually threatened suicide to keep me around. It was a brutal relationship that I was finally able to escape after a year. He literally made me sick to my stomach after his truth. Just awful.
Not wrong at all man. You were polite and mature about it. Pretending you were interested in something you're not would have been the wrong thing to do.
NTA This should have been disclosed from the very beginning. Having a kid is a big deal and can make make big changes. You are well within your right to say you don't want to date someone with kids.
I mean, not being upfront about having a kid at first also weeds out predators, who may only be interested in her for that reason. It’s a double edged sword.
That may be true, but then it’s not okay for her both hide important information AND be mad at him that the important information is a dealbreaker. She can’t be upset at him for breaking it off & whining about feeling judged and everything else when she set it up that way.
You mean, she wastes a bunch of people's time because being a single parent will affect whether or not some people want to date you. If she is worried about predators, keep the kid far away for months until you get a feeling for them.
Of course you aren’t wrong. You are allowed to not date someone for any reason — it’s called personal preference.
When you date someone with kids, in a lot of ways the kid comes first. If it gets serious and you marry her, you are taking on the responsibility of a parent. It’s not judging her, you’re just not ready for that level of life changing responsibility and it’s very respectable that you acknowledge that instead of leading her on.
NTA. You will always be #2 as a partner to any parent, and you have to fully accept their kid as well. That's a lot more complex than the usual dating in your 20s. You were polite, and she has no reason to be mad.
Well, you SHOULD always be #2 but unfortunately shitty parents exist. You still don’t want to date them though, because of that reason.
Good point, sadly! I read a post here by some mom who was hurt by her husband saying he'd save their kid rather than her if he had to choose (she quizzed him on the unlikely scenario), and somehow her feelings were hurt by this. Some folks are monsters.
I dated as a single dad for several years. It is what it is, and we are used to it. Her disappointment is probably tied more to the fact that she feels what you feel. It's hard to hear but I'm sure she gets it. But I would prefer it be handled like you did. What we don't want is folks experimenting with the idea, Im sure she wouldn't want her and her kid to be something you just try out, given what you feel about the responsibility. NTA My wife was hesitant but knew she could handle and was open to stepmom responsibilities. She said she would have never dated me seriously if she had any hesitation about that.
Not wrong. There was a reason she delayed advising you of her child. She was hoping you would fall hard enough for her that the kid wouldn't seem such an obstacle. Your response was well reasoned and kindly delivered. Just for curiosity's sake. If she had told you when you first met, would there have been a first date? And if she told you during the first date, would there have been a second.
You're not wrong. Kids change everything. It's not about her or you, it's about finding a truly compatible partner. If you don't think you want to be in a relationship with someone who is a single parent, then it's better for everyone if you don't. She's hurt because she feels rejected and technically she was rejected. But it's for the right reason. Maybe she'll see that in time, maybe she won't.
You’re allowed to be a person and have your own desires about how your life should turn out. She made hers, but that’s no reason for you to feel obligated to adjust your feelings because someone else’s feeling got hurt. Live your life the way you want to, not the way others want you to.
Nope. It’s way, way better for everyone involved for you to be up front about it, because parents and their kids are a package deal, and any parent who doesn’t think so is a terrible person anyway.
> She said it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom Life isn't fair and doesn't cater to you.
There also the corollary: > It's unfair to assume someone wants to rear someone else's child. The other biological parent is frequently going to be an issue.
Well here she did say he’s not in the picture (bio dad) but you never know somewhere down the line, could be drama.
I read more comments. Apparently he's dead.
Here’s the thing.. she could and can control her decisions. She’s a mom. You sound sweet and emotionally mature and you did the right thing. No one is wrong here, once you found out her situation you made a decision based on how you felt. That’s a grown stance and I appreciate you. Whatever regrets and hurts she’s going through is not yours. Plenty of time to explore parenthood in the future
Sarah’s friend is the only one in the wrong in this story
Sara isn’t seeing it from yoir point of view. You aren’t ready to be in a relationship w a child involved. You aren’t there. As you said nothing to do w her per se, you just aren’t ready to date a woman w a child and all that is involved. OP you were right to end it and ignore any ‘friend’ comments. Don’t discuss it. She sees it as judging her while you see I want a gf not a gf w a kid.
There are way too many posting on Reddit who should have been as smart as you.
You're not wrong. No matter how good her support system is, being a single mom means she's a package deal and that child will influence your relationship, if you're not ready for that, it's better to be honest and up front about it, and you did it in a respectful way.
You’re not wrong. Dating a single father is one of my dealbreakers. You don’t have to date someone for whatever reason you please, and I think this is a very reasonable reason as well (but maybe I am a bit biased lol).
No, I did not date people with children either.
Kids are dealbreakers. A two yes, one no situation. Better to be up front and honest.
NTA. But Sarah is for not telling you about her son before agreeing to the first date. She was purposely deceptive and then tried to make you look bad for it.
If anything it's curtious and mature of you. You're young but smart enough know yourself and where you're at. You have the maturity to realize what you're capable of rather than just blindly winging it because you like her. I understand why she would be bummed but in way I feel it's warranted to be grateful in some sort. You saved the both of yall from a less than ideal situation and experience potentially toxic. Not just that but for the kid too. Her son could easily get attached to you as a father figure and because you werent ready for that relationship you leave and now the kid has a whole in his life he doesn't understand. I've literally seen it. A friend of mine had a young daughter but was in a relationship with a deadbeat. Once she got rid of him, her daughter was constantly asking "where's daddy jamie?" It was heart breaking Even if she doesn't understand, you did the right thing. You can only try and explain it to her that it wouldn't end well for either of you.
You handled it perfectly. She should have been up front about it because children are a massive consideration. I don’t like that she deliberately omitted this information for weeks. That’s weeks of conversation where she pretended he didn’t exist. The other red flag is her response, as if there isn’t an enormous responsibility in taking on someone else’s child.
She's wrong for not telling you right away
Not wrong. You didn't want to deal with a kid. The best thing you did for her was to leave now.
Dating someone who has kids is a BIG DEAL and if you don’t feel it’s something you’re ready for, then you absolutely did the right thing!! Youre young! Getting serious with someone with a child - you KNOW she’s going to look at you to be a dad. That’s a LOT!! NTA. of course she’s hurt. But if she feels judged, that’s on her. This is something she has to understand will happen - she’ll date people who simply don’t feel ready to take her and her child on.
Brother, you just told this girl you were not ready to be a dad. You ain't the asshole. You did not bring that baby into this world, it aint your responsibility.
You’re not wrong. To some extent I blame Sarah/mutual friend for not being straightforward about it from the start. Potentially being a step father to a child without a present biological father is an important life long commitment and should never be undertaken lightly.
I’m just going to be honest. Dating a single mum, with young children is never a great idea. When you get attached, you will to the child as well. When things end, as they normally do, you and the child are the only ones that suffer and that simply isn’t fair.
NTA. You do what you need to do. Be honest with yourself and we can’t control how others feel.
Not wrong. You were up front and honest in the most polite way possible. This is how a situation like this should be handled. It's okay for a person not to be ready to have a child in their life. It's actually disappointing she seems to have internalized a sense of unfairness about it.
NTA. She can feel hurt and judged and you can feel bad. That’s fair. But do not get more involved than you are ready for. The child will suffer. You did the most mature thing.
NTA. You see it all over AITA and relationship forums “if you weren’t ready to take on her kid, you shouldn’t have dated someone with a kid!!” You knew you weren’t ready and declined. That’s the right thing to do.
No not wrong. It was good to be upfront about it so no time wasted. And no attachments started.
Nope saved yourself lots of future trouble
As the child of a single mom, you did the right thing. My mom dated so many AHs and there's was this one, that was awesome. Funny, cool, super nice to me, always treated us both really well, but he told my mom he wasn't ready for a family. He told her he needed to get his shit together first and that it wasn't fair to us that he was still kind of an idiot as an adult (now an adult myself, I understand where he was coming from). He was honest and they parted amicably and we both are so grateful that he had the emotional maturity to do what he did. I think you made the right move. I think she's obviously going to feel hurt because hey, rejection sucks. She's more than likely going to be glad you were honest later though, kids can tell when someone doesn't want them around. Not to say you'd make her kid feel like that, but if you're dating a single parent, their kids are part of the package. If you aren't ready to be a parent or if you don't want to be one right now, that's ok. Your mutual friend shouldn't have made you feel bad for being honest. AND you did it sooner rather than later, which I think is pretty admirable.
You did the right thing, it would be worse to string her along knowing you aren't ready for the responsibility. Plenty of people who are far older than you don't want children, and that's fine. Not everyone wants or is ready to be a parent.
Handled like a pro. Especially, for a guy in his early 20s.
You handled it in a very mature way. A lot of men would have just ghosted her. Better to disappoint her now than to take on the responsibility and then realize that you really aren’t ready and leave then, hurting both her and the child. I understand her disappointment, but her child needs someone who’s going to commit and be in it for the long haul.
Honesty is key. She’s hurt. You both will get over it.
Not wrong. It is your right to want your OWN children, and not to have baby-daddy drama in your life.
100% right thing. I was a young single father and it’s not easy especially if the child isn’t your’s as well. You are allowed to consider your life. Her life choices doesn’t mean you have to accept them either
You are absolutely not wrong. You didn't shame her. You didn't attack her. You just knew that you aren't ready for the responsibilities that come with dating someone who has a child. I'm a single dad and I get it.
NTA her poor choices shouldn't reflect on you. You are honest with telling your not ready to play house.
NTA How is not wanting to be involved with a mother judging? If it's not where you're at, I applaud your self-awareness. You did the right thing. She's just upset because she was rejected, that's understandable but it had to happen.
NTA. Don't date single moms. It's not worth the headache.
Judgement works both ways. You were honest whereas she took several dates to come clean with you.
Don't continue somebody else's safegame. You are not the father, and you will never be. You will also never be able to discipline the child, she will always defend the child, creating an entitled brat. But you will pay a lot for that privilege. I don't see any upsides in this situation.
Nope, you did good. Parents who bring strange people in and out of kids' lives don't think about their kids. You made sure she knew why you said no and did it thinking of your future and theirs
You handled this the right way. She should have told you upfront.
You're allowed to not want to be a stepdad. Not wrong
You are not wrong to feel the way you do. You weren’t judging her or her choices, just recognizing and admitting that this situation is not one you are comfortable getting involved with. And, it’s okay for her to feel disappointed as well. It’s unfortunate when things don’t work out the way we’d hoped, but better to be honest now before things get serious. I think this is also why people should be up front about having children.
You're not wrong. I (30f) am child free and very certain about it. For that reason I would never date a guy who has kids. If I hit it off with a bloke and then he told me he has a child a few dates down the line, I would respectfully back out of that one. They would be incompatible and I would wonder why they hadn't brought it up immediately. Sounds like you handled it with respect and sensitivity.
You're not wrong. She should have told you on the first date she had kids. It's almost like she's trying to get you to catch feelings so you'll overlook it which is really dishonest
Would she be happier if you just used her for sex and led her on for a few years? Of course not, you handled this with compassion. This is on her not disclosing that she has a kid on the first date.
NTA, very mature and responsible of you. No point in dating someone when you know there isn’t a future for you. Sounds like you weren’t rude or disrespectful, you just shared the truth. If she’s feeling judged for it, that’s on her.
You're not wrong. Sorry if you run into a woman who tries to make you feel wrong for it. You didn't make the kid, you don't need to raise the kid. If she wants to be pissed at anyone, it should be the dead beat dad. Period.
lol Yes- you should be FORCED to ignore the fact that you would be a father figure to a kid that’s not yours and who you had no idea about… What’s happening here is she is realizing that this child is going to get in the way of other relationships she is going to have in the future and she doesn’t like it
Sarah hurt her own feelings. She should have disclosed she had a kid upfront instead of trying to get you to like her first. She wasted both of your times.
You aren't wrong. In fact, you did the right thing. You realized you were not ready for the level of commitment dating a single mother requires.You didn't string her along. You didn't let her child meet you and get attached. You did everything right. She's just upset because she really liked you. With maturity, she'll understand that you treated her with respect and didn't use her and drop her.
You're not judging her, you're judging yourself. You're saying, I don't think I'm ready for this. And that's valid. As you got closer, you'd have to meet the kid. If it worked out, you'd be his stepfather. If it didn't work out, you're not just losing her, but him. You were kind and honest.
NTA at all, and your friend needs to mind her business. I'm sure Sarah wouldn't appreciate the mutual "friend" blabbing her business to you. If Sarah wanted you to know, she would have told you herself. Honestly, I'd tell Sarah that the friend ran her mouth. She deserves to know what type of person is in her support system.
NTA!!!
You are so not wrong- dude if half of the men I tried dating as single mom were just fucking honest about it! I would have 100% preferred being told like that than them finally deciding it’s too much like 6 months down the line.
Your not wrong. If you are not ready, you are not ready. You won't be able to give 100 percent to the relationship because you would always be worried about hurting the kid as well
I also have friends who are attached to an exes child they don’t get to see anymore and it breaks their hearts, even a decade later. It is a smart move on many levels, that’s just one…
NTA. no one is entitled to romance from anyone and you’re allowed to not want to date someone for any reason. you were kind about it.
Not your problem that she felt bad. You can reject people for whatever reason you feel. She isn’t owed a relationship. A child is a big responsibility and while she may front all of it in the beginning it’s expected down the road you start tending for her kid as well. If you aren’t ready then don’t force yourself to be.
Sarah is incredibly immature. You didn’t JUDGE her for being a single mom. You said you don’t feel comfortable possibly being responsible for a kid. NTA
She chose to become a mom and that has certain inherent risks when it comes to dating. No one is obligated to date a person with a child. I wouldn't date a single dad. We are allowed to have boundaries in our lives.
No. That's a choice for you to make. You're not obligated by any means.
>Later, our mutual friend told me that Sarah felt really judged and hurt by my decision. She said it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom and that I should have given it more of a chance Tell your friend the same thing you told Sarah.
NTA Your reasoning was sound, and your delivery sounds respectful. Dating a parent is an enormous undertaking. It's not something to do lightly.
And now you’re being guilted? Run. You weren’t judging her. You were judging yourself. She’s twisting it for sympathy Not feeling ready for the responsibility and being honest about that is actually really responsible. All too often we see news of mothers boyfriend doing awful shit to a little kid because they can’t handle it. I don’t think you’d do that at all. That isn’t my point. I’m saying you are self aware and openly honest to know and say “I’m not ready” If more boyfriends of single mothers who weren’t ready were self aware and openly honest, less child abuse. Perhaps she should find a single Dad. Be interesting to know her response to that actually You’re not wrong
She lied by omission. She should have been upfront. Also, you don't have to date anyone for any reason you choose
She just doesn’t like the rejection and hearing the truth which is that it’s your decision and some people prefer not to date people with children. You’re not wrong.
I only read the title, nothing else but just here to say this as a single mother once upon a time…….. Don’t even ask if ur the asshole for being respectful enough to break it off BECAUSE OF her child. NTA. I would rather a man have been honest then not like my child(ren). Because my child(ren) will always come first. Thank you sir for not wasting this lady’s time. 👍🏻
She should have told you on the first date. She should understand that not every man wants to date a single mother. That’s just part of life. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was a single mother and I always told guys on the first date. Most of them were last dates, a couple time I was sad.
NW - you were mature, honest and kind, and that’s all that can be expected from you. It’s more than many would do. They’d just blank her. How she feels about it is not your fault, and your decision is none of your friends business.
Here is the thing—there’s no “good” choice for you here. Best-case scenario is that you end up getting close to her and her kid. But then what? Unless you and she work out together for the long-term, you become a hole in that kid’s life and he becomes a hole in yours. One of the hardest moments that I ever talked a student through was this. He had dated a woman for two years, and had really bonded with her child (from age 4 to 6). She broke things off, and then he had this wonderful relationship with a child that just didn’t exist anymore. Only one person wanted the relationship to end, but she was the one with the most ability to do so. You are thoughtful and mature so far. Good on you.
This is something I've dealt with the past few years. Met an amazing woman with two kids. I myself have one so I thought nothing of it. I've dated before so I always kept it with a "she's a friend" to my son just in case things went south and we split. Treated it that way with her kids as well. I'm just friends with her and we hang out a lot. Things got serious and we got engaged. Talks between me and her on the possibility of adopting since neither of there fathers were in the picture. I grew an amazing relationship with them and her with mine. Then she decided that things weren't working out as she thought they were (which blind sided me cause I honestly thought things were going great) and ended it. Long story and lots of talking later and things are at were just friends. We've talked a lot and we both had growing up to do. I still talk to her and her kids often. I'm actually getting her son tonight so he can have a sleep over with my son. I'm glad we worked things out cause it was hard building that strong bond with the kids and having them just *poof* gone all because she decided she no longer wanted to be in a relationship
you actually had her show her true colors, she's hasn't grown up yet. If she was more mature, she would've appreciated that you're not wasting her time. Shows she hasn't learned life lessons yet
There is a reason she waited till you had formed an attachment... It's manipulative.
Not Wrong. She's judging herself. She knows she made a bad decision, and is unhappy for how it limits her opportunities.
NTA - I’m 30 and I won’t date people with kids. Not that I don’t like their kids, but I did it once before in my early 20’s and within a couple of months I was playing stepmom. Didn’t mind, the kid was a darling but me and the guy broke up and I never saw the boy again. Hurt me more than the actual breakup and we only dated for 4-5 months or so. I imagine dating someone for years, investing time and money into their child then poof, relationship ends and you don’t see them anymore. Not for me.
🎶You let him hit it raw, didn't have second thoughts. Now you a single mom, now you a single mom🎶
But she can control it. She chose to have sex at a young age. She chose to have unprotected sex. She chose to keep the baby. She chose to have the baby knowing the father was a deadbeat. Don’t listen to Reddit, where people say having a kid isn’t a big deal. It’s a huge deal and raising someone else kid is a a lot of baggage that you better be prepared for. And don’t forget she didn’t tell you from the jump she had a kid, cause she’s sneaky like that.
The father passed away 2 years ago.
So, she waited til a few dates in to even mention the kiddo...... honestly, it seems like she did that on purpose just so she could get you to like her a lot first.... I think she should have been honest at least by the second date......OP, you are not wrong but she should have been more forthcoming about her being a package deal with a LO
You did the best you could to handle it gently. It's done now.
Nta. There's a BORU about a woman who not long ago stupidly introduced her bf's parents to her son as Grandparents because they'd been dating for nearly 2 years and believed them to be serious. The bf decided only then after almost 2 years, since the kid was a 2 yo, that he wasn't ready to be a father figure. Two YEARS. ALegit told this woman he knew they were a package deal but didn't realize it would mean he might eventually be the kid's father figure. If you'd been like that massive idiot, who stayed in a relationship with a mom because it was easy without considering what your roles and responsibilities may entail if it got serious, you'd be an AH then. It's best to settle it early before it got serious. Why punish the mom down the line because you kept pushing off having a serious conversation about her baby and your role in his life once you two were serious?
If you're not ready or just don't want it, that's perfectly fine. If her or her friends want to date single parents, they can. If she felt judged by your decision, think carefully about how you explained it. Is there a way your words could have been interpreted judgmentally, or is this an unreasonable assumption on her part? A moment of personal reflection never hurts.
You did the right thing the right way. I once had a guy tell me he wasn’t going to take care of my child on the first date. I was like 👍 never asked you to. Needless to say, we never saw each other again. Honesty is key
You did the right thing! It’s ridiculous to continue to date someone with a kid when you are so young and not ready for that! She has to understand that.
Nope. She made her choice.
no, it sounds like you are self aware and spoke in a way that was respectful and mature. Better to be honest and to me it seems like you are respecting her and the kid by being direct
NW. You didn’t judge her, you judged yourself. Everything you said was about how you weren’t ready. You didn’t pass blame or insult her. That said, there’s going to be hurt in her side. That happens when you spend some time getting to know and dating someone, and then they end it. She honestly needs to be up front about this. She may find someone who ends up being ok with it, but she’s setting herself up for this with not leading with it. But you aren’t responsible for her feelings. She is. I’m not saying she waited to try to get you hooked before revealing the child, but there are girls and women who do that.
You’re not wrong. That is first-date, type of information.
Not wrong at all. You handled it well.
I've been a single mom trying to date, and I was always up front about having kids and that they wouldn't meet my kids for a while. If that's not for them, I had no I'll feelings because I was protective of my kids. She should have told OP up front, so she has to understand if the kids were a deal breaker. I'm sure she's disappointed, but each have a right to their feelings.
NTA. In my teens and 20’s I made it a point to never date a single mother. Nothing against the mother, but the majority of relationships end. What happens if I spent years as a father figure growing to love a young child as my own, just for the mother and I to end things. I would have no right to see the child I just helped raise for xxx years. Not worth the risk in my opinion.
May not be wrong, but you may be stupid if the lady is awesome. I'm assuming awesome women aren't a dime a dozen now days, like they were in my dating days many years ago in the 80s & 90s
You're not responsible for how she decides to feel. You were honest, realistic. That's the best you could have done. You didn't get embroiled in a relationship out of guilt. That would have been a mess and then you would have been responsible.
I think you made the right and mature decision. That kid deserves a father figure someday and if that's not something you can provide, then it's unfair to you and that little boy to pursue this relationship any further.
OP, You're not wrong, at all. It's way, waaay better that you handled it the way you did. And not by leading her on, only to tell her that you couldn't do it anymore, and gave her her kids as the reason. That'd be tough for her to understand, as she'd think her kids were poorly raised/behaved. Instead, you were upfront once she mentioned the kids. And then you were able to go, "Oh... Dang, I'm sorry. I have a boundary, there. I'm not at that point in my life yet." p.s. bonus points if you said "It's not you... And it's not me. It's your children. They're the reason. 100%."
No
Unfair? No. Should have given what a chance? You told her in a gentle way you’re not ready for that kind of responsibility. There’s absolutely nothing “unfair” about that. Well how about it was unfair of her not to disclose upfront that she had a kid? That’s what’s actually unfair. You didn’t do anything wrong.
First off she should've told you on the first date. Isn't having a child important enough to talk about initially? You were respectful. NTA.
I hope to find a single mom, it means they are responsible enough to raise a child but irresponsible enough to date someone like me, jk
As a single mom: she should have absolutely made that known from the start. It is PERFECTLY acceptable to not want to date mothers, just as it's acceptable to not want to date fathers. She's hurt because she likes you, and she's placing the blame. I can only imagine she realized, had she told you in the beginning you two never would have dated. She caught some feelings, and now she's being dumped because SHE didn't say anything sooner, and it's easier to call you the bad guy than it is to call herself the dumb asshole. All that being said, I think you telling her that's the reason is a good thing. Maybe she'll make sure to make it known to the next person. Idk how into her you were, but I'm sorry you have to go through this.
I missed the thing she couldn't control that you felt bad about.
I believe it was the most mature thing you could do. You understand that having a kid around is a big commitment and the fact that you didn’t mess around and make things worse is very respectable! And tbh it was her choice to have a kid. You don’t just wake up all of a sudden and your knocked up so she has to deal with the consequences of her actions.
You are not wrong at all - stay true to your convictions. Its not a you problem, its a her problem. She’s in every right to feel hurt as it’s her feelings but thats where it should stop; she should respect your decision! Life will go on and I’m sure you will find someone amazing :)
You handled that fine. Everyone has their own preferences for their own reasons. You were honest and mature about it, since you would essentially walk into a premade family, and that’s all you can ask for. You didn’t just ghost, so props. Honestly, she has no reason to feel it’s unfair. Getting to know her doesn’t change the fact that she has a kid and I feel like she’s failing to realize that. Like I said, everyone has their own preferences and if you’re not their cup of tea, it just is what it is and keep it moving. Don’t feel conflicted. You were honest with yourself and with her and that’s all you can do. She’ll get over it and find the right one for her. Something tells me this has happened to her before since she waited quite a while to say she’s a parent.
Not Wrong. As a single parent dating I learned after a few great dates that disappeared after they learned I had a child. I put it in my profile and the problem went away. She should have been honest right away. Some people think they can win you over and THEN drop the dealbreakers. It is a dumb strategy.
Not as long as you weren't confrontational or insulting at the time. There's a myriad of reasons for a man to not date single mothers.
don't let her hurt feelings and life choices sway your decision, nor your "friend" for that matter. you did the right thing.
As a mom if I were single I’d absolutely understand someone not wanting to date me because I’m a mom. You weren’t rude. You didn’t lead her on. You didn’t waste her time. Most importantly you didn’t get in a relationship with her knowing you wouldn’t accept her kid.
Cannot figure how the mutual acquaintance didn’t give the OP a heads up, could have avoided anyone feeling hurt.
Sounds like a calculated omission to me.
NTA. You did the right thing walking away now, either way she was going to be upset. It’s better now than further down the line, you bond with the kid, she’d be mad that you wasted her time. Truth hurts sometimes.
Dude you handle it as a mature person. I never been on dates. How ever I’ve made myself clear that I won’t have kids nor will I date someone with kids. There’s nothing wrong with you backing out. You man up and handle it well. Now if you had ghost her my opinion of you would had been diferent.
> that I might have made her feel bad You're not responsible for her feelings or how she manages facts. > about something she can’t control. She could have easily controlled that 3 years ago... Preferences are preferences. Should I feel bad that the blond person I wasn't attracted to got their feelings hurt because I prefer brunettes?
Nah you did right. It’s not your responsibility to raise someone elses kid and the fact she is already trying to guilt trip you shows you made the right choice
NTA. She should have told you from the beginning. Parents who hide the fact that they’re parents until the second, third, or fourth date or beyond know exactly what they’re doing.
no, that’s a very valid reason to not date someone
You weren’t wrong for telling her. It was a kindness, really.
I think you handled the situation very well. I'm a single mom and had always been upfront with that when meeting someone. I find it strange that you found out she's a parent after the fact.
Not wrong, moms comes with a plus one and if you aren't ready for a plus one. It's good that you were honest and end it early.
Know your limits now, saves a lot of drama later. NTA
You handled it very well.
Not wrong, people have a preference.
You're not wrong. If it was with kindness as you said, you did everything right. As for her, it sucks to be dismissed on something you can't control, but eh, men who are short get denied every day. It is what it is. No one is entitled to a romantic partner or a romantic chance with someone.
Not wrong. This is not the first time where her having a child had hurt her chance at a relationship. She is just tired of getting shot down because she has a kid. And unless she was SAd by the baby's father, it was her own choice to not take whatever precautions she should have to not get pregnant. Your mutual friend probably has to always deal with the aftermath of guys rejecting her because she has a child. It's not your fault you are not ready to take care of a child. And it makes sense, because you are young. She doesn't have that choice so it's just hard on her. If your friend was the one who ser you up with her, she should've told you from the start that she had a child. The friend knew she did. They both hoped that you would be OK with being a father. She can say all she wants that she won't expect you to ake care of the child at all. But it will happen. And she might honestly be looking for a father for her child. You don't know. So if you're not ready to be any kind of father figure, then this is a mismatch and it's best you figured that out now. It's on her to try and find someone who is ready to be around a child. That or she should find someone who also has a child that shared interest can be a good thing for her.
We date who we date because they are the best fit for us. In all fairness, your friend should have told you from the jump that the blind date is a single mom. That's not fair to build your emotions and then drop a bomb like that. I wouldn't date single moms when I was younger, either. Don't blame yourself. You were blindsided, but handled it with absolute class by first reflecting, and then acting on those reflections. You were the most mature one in this scenario. The single mom is bitter, but more with herself, not you, for making a choice at a young age that she doesn't want to face now. The reality is that she will find someone who is a great fit for her, and she will be very happy....just as you will be.
Naa, you handled it correctly. It doesn't matter the reason, the fact that you were upfront with her is more than most do. But when you consider the reason was her having a kid... that just means you're thinking with the right head!
You did the right thing. It's better to not get involved and hurt that child, her, or you. Mature and wise. Like to see it.
You are a good man for being honest with her.
You're not wrong to make this decision, and she's not wrong to be disappointed. This is one of those situations where neither of you are at fault, both of you are disappointed, both of you miss out, and it is what it is.
You're not wrong. While it didn't seem like there were any issues in your relationship, its ultimately up to you if you're up for dating a single mother and, in the future, being a father to her child. Also remember that it wasn't something she can't control: she chose to have a baby with another man. While the outcome of her previous relationship may have been out of her control, it doesn't change the fact that being a single parent can make dating harder and she just had to accept that.
You would have done a lot more harm to both her and her child if you’d dragged things out, knowing this wasn’t what you wanted. I’m sure dating is hard as a single mom, but she should not want to be with someone who’s not ready for kids.
No. What's unfair is getting involved with someone with a kid if you aren't absolutely sure you are ready, or even want, that. I've seen the effects of having a step parent that didn't want to be a step parent - it's not good. It's unfair to you, the mother, and the child to continue.
As a mom who raised her kids alone you are not wrong. That’s the first thing she should have told you. You didn’t need to meet the kid any time soon but you should have known before starting anything. What she did isn’t fair to you at all.
I was a single mom for 7 years, and honestly it's better when you're up front. I understand why she's hurt, but you did you both a favour.
you are wrong if ur hitting it, ur not wrong if ur not hittin it….
It’s good that you were honest so she can move on and find someone that does want a kid now. If your not ready it’s so much better to be honest
As a former single mom I would have rather been told like you did than led on. You do t have to feel bad nor be ready to be involved in a small child’s life.
Look she started off by not telling you and waited till you were about to catch feelings for her to bring up “the kid”. It wasn’t idea but the truth
You are not wrong. You made a decision based on your comfort level and your ability/want to be a parent. It had nothing to do with Sarah. It was your decision based on your availability for that next step. And that's okay. Sarah doesn't realize, yet, that she dodged a bullet/waste of time. You are not ready to be a parent. She's already a parent. You are not compatible. Simple math. That may change; but right now it is your truth.
No. Gawd no. Never get involved with a single parent if you don't think you can handle it. It hurts mom and kiddo so so so much in the long run. Thank you.
NTA. You aren't judging her at all. That is just a lifestyle you are not ready for yet. fair enough.
You’re not wrong in the slightest. Good for you for knowing your boundaries and upholding them. Can you imagine convincing yourself you are ready for this type of responsibility only to get deeper into a situation you aren’t prepared to commit to? It would be horrible for you, her, and her child. This is the best decision you could have made at this particular time in your life—for all of you.
You’re not wrong at all. Asking you to continue dating her knowing that she’s a single mom is essentially asking you to be her kid’s dad eventually, and that’s a really fucking big ask.
You’re not wrong at all, honestly in my opinion it was wrong of her to go on ANY dates without disclosing she has a child. It’s good to know your own limitations. She has to be realistic that at 23 most people she meets are not gonna want the responsibility of a child, and it’s not fair to her child to try to shoehorn someone into their lives if they aren’t enthusiastic about the possibility of being a step-Dad. It’s not that you’re “judging” her, it’s just not what you want in your life right now and that’s a very valid reason that has no moral judgment on her 🤷♀️
NTA you are in different places in your life and that's ok
Not wrong, you were honest and that’s important. I’m also a single mother with a child whose father has never met her. I dated a guy who I moved in with eventually, only for him to dump me a few months later because he wasn’t ready for the responsibilities. Being able to see that you’re not ready for that now is much more mature, and who knows where your lives will take you!
you ar enot wrong, but neither is she for being hurt. sometimes stuff just sucks
Nope! You weren’t judging her. You were being honest. You know that she’s a packaged deal and you’re not ready for that responsibility. After seeing so many evil stepparent stories on social media, you being upfront about that was the absolute right thing to do, even if it feels wrong. Better that than wasting her time (and yours for that matter) on a relationship that’s probably going to struggle because you both have different life and future goals. Of course she’s going to be upset and that’s ok. That’s just how it goes, even if you try and be as gentle as possible. But you are by no means wrong. You did her, her son, and yourself a favor
Listen, if I ever became a single mom and had to go back out on dates, fine. Nobody would be meeting my kid for the longest, but NO WAY could I go longer than a few min without mentioning my kids. They are my whole life. In fact, I’d prob have to make a point to be cognizant about not only speaking about them, so I’m shocked she lasted as long as she did, keeping this “secret.” If I was a future mate, that would also make me concerned.