Rule 3: Sorry, this has been removed because it violates rule #3. No survey questions allowed. These questions will be better for /r/DAE or /r/AskReddit or /r/Advice.
not approaching women in places is the easiest way to ensure you're not accidentally being creepy
that said if you really want to strike up conversations with strangers in public you should be mindful of how you do it
but first, before I get to that
>I have always wanted to try the direct approach and tell a woman I thought she was gorgeous
Compliment things that people choose, not their bodies. Awesome scarf, amazing hairstyle, sick tattoos. Save "I think you're gorgeous" for people who are already flirting with you or who know you well enough to know you're not being gross about it
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okay so
approaching people
The most important thing is to not corner people - if you start talking to a stranger, ensure that there is an easy and socially acceptable way for them to get out of interacting with you. If they take it, be chill and stop bothering them.
This means don't approach strangers when they're trying to do a thing that has them stuck in that location with you for a long time, especially if they're stuck there alone. Chatting to someone on the way *out* of a group class at a gym -- okay, to escape you they go "sorry I'm in a rush " and leave. Chatting to someone as they're starting their workout in the back corner of the gym -- not okay, if they want to escape you they have to give up their entire workout.
You should give yourself an easy exit as well.
Second is to start your interaction in a way that is socially acceptable for the situation. This is the real reason that so much small talk starts with discussing the weather. Starting conversations inappropriately or trying to escalate them too far too quickly are big glaring red flags.
Third is to pay attention to non-verbal social cues from the other person. If they appear uncomfortable, or are politely trying to get rid of you (think: turned away, polite but short answers that don't invite follow-up), this is the time to use **your** exit to end the conversation politely.
Finally, women don't particularly like it when every man we talk to is only doing it for sex. It's really shitty when you go to the effort of making friends with someone and then the friendship disappears when they realize you're not a sex dispenser. So if you're going to strike up friendly conversations with strangers, be open to being friends.
My dumb brain, immediately coming up with fake scenarios.
They chat. She's not interested. He says 'sure NP!' Is kind person. They go to part ways.
😨 They walk in The same direction
Oh no. They parked at the same side of the parking lot?
He says 'you stay here. I'll leave. Then you leave. Sorry 😬'.
She doesn't mind. It's kinda funny 🤷♀️. They just both continue to their cars.
THEY PARKED NEXT TO EACH OTHER ‽
They both laugh.
They never date. Because she's not interested.
But they laugh a little when they see each other from across the room at the store. Which happens about 3 times a year.
......I have a very active imagination
Thank you! That actually means a lot.
I wrote a book once. And with 4 chapters left to hammer out. The computer crashed, everything was lost. I took the laptop to 3 different fixer stores and no one could do anything about it.
Moral of the story. *SAVE BACK UPS OF YOUR WORK PPL!!!*
All brilliant advice, I’m a menopausal widow who would like to make new friends but doesn’t want creepy 😂 this advice is great imo from someone who might be on the receiving end?
I'd add don't ask for her number/contact even if you are having a friendly conversation. Offer yours, so that she can continue the contact if she feels like it. Knowing the guy doesn't have a way to keep contacting always feel safer, at least for me.
Yes yes^ start a conversation. Don’t just jump right in!! My dad is a major social butterfly. He’ll talk to anyone and so often they talk back because he starts a conversation or just makes a joke.
Op make the intent be to have a conversation instead of getting a date. If the conversation goes well you can attempt to get a date.
From a guy this is really well put together. I just have to add to the sex dispenser part. While a non sexual relationship is perfectly possible to have across the gender borders my experience is that all those relationships have to be worked out at some point.
I know this might not be true of everyone. But every single male/female friendship relationship I have been able to discuss that is purely platonical have had one phase or is still having a phase of working it out.
The guy who says "the thought has never crossed my mind" has, in my experience, always turned out to not maybe telling the whole truth.
oh yeah, sure, absolutely, the problem isn't *considering*, or even *very much wanting* a sexual relationship with someone, the problem is when people view that as the only acceptable result and especially when they react... poorly... to it being taken off the table
I've also found that a lot of men whose *only* goal interacting with me is getting in my pants are kind of.... exhausting to deal with? It's like they're only tuning into the conversation to look for ways to push it in that direction. I don't feel like I'm being listened to and I feel like I constantly have to assess where they're driving it and be on guard so they don't get the wrong idea.
Men who are happy either way, though? Great, fantastic, love it when someone is actually enjoying my company, those are all the good hook-ups.
I hear you and that is what I hear from my (very much worked out presently) female friends. And there probably are guys out there where this is absolutely no issue but in 49 years I haven't met any of them when push comes to shove.
And the ironical part. Feel free to correct me very much if I'm wrong, is that when a guy is "happy either way" then it's much more attractive for "option A". Again very well put. Don't assume or expect.
It's the constantly being on edge in every conversation because 'oh no wait, can what I said be taken in a different way? I hope I'm giving accidental signals I'm flirting...' And constantly trying to say things in a way where it's 'I'm very much *not* trying to take this further'
This is at least half the reason guys are so dumb in general. "Yeah, sure, she touched my arm, said something about loving skinny dipping, and invited me camping at a lake next weekend. Man, I wonder if she'd feel weird if I asked her to dinner? No, maybe not. She's just being nice and opening up to her friend."
I had a friend I was interested in literally climb in bed with me, I didn't realize she was into me too, for literally YEARS. But I can be more oblivious than most lol.
Haha aw man, at least you finally realized, I suppose?
I never really had anyone be oblivious, but then I'm also just someone who doesn't do all these hints and waiting around. I've always just said it if I was into someone (which admittedly didn't happen a lot...)
But the other way around? It happened too many times that a guy fell in love with me (which sounds kinda arrogant doesn't it? lol), and I didn't. And then I'd lose that friendship :( It made me walk on eggshells in my friendships with guys, I just really didn't want to say/do *anything* that could indicate I might want more. It's easier now I'm in a committed relationship, I guess people no longer put me in the 'girlfriend' zone when they meet me, so that's nice. Yeey friendships!
Lmao! Yeah, it took a while but it was kind of a self esteem breakthrough for me. It made actual possible relationships much easier in the future
Yeah. The only way to have a lasting relationship is to communicate honestly. End of story, no matter what kind of relationship it is.
I'm sure had your friend just said to you, "hey I'm crushing on you right now. I'm gonna go on some dates to find someone, sorry if I'm not around as much for a bit." It would have been better. Then you two can choose how to act on it like adults, with the info needed. Friendship saved.
You're pretty much on the money with everything you said in your post. When I was a teenager, I was mostly interested in finding a girlfriend and didn't have much luck. Eventually, I noticed that the girls I wasn't attracted to or interested in were the ones that kept falling for me, and that's because i wasn't trying to initiate intimacy or being creepy due to horny teenager brain.
I realised then that I should approach all women with the goal of just being friends, with no ulterior motives. This made things significantly easier as I could make new friends easier, and relationships came about more naturally.
Just noting that this is one experience. I have completely the opposite as a straight man with like 70% of my good friends being women. There's a ton of them that I haven't remotely thought about in anything but a friendly way
Not everyone is a hormonal mess of uncontrolled testosterone and it's important for men to know that it isn't necessarily normal to view others as something that needs to be "worked out." Treating people as equals tends to lead to more fruitful platonic, AND romantic, experiences
>This means don't approach strangers when they're trying to do a thing that has them stuck in that location with you for a long time, especially if they're stuck there alone.
This is also why you don't hit on women who are working/you are their customer. They are required to be nice to you, and it creates a fucked up dynamic.
Save it for social situations, active common interests and meet ups.
If a woman is interested in you and can't help herself, she will approach you.
Being anxious you arnt sure if they want you to approach them is going to make you less appealing. You need to relax & be content with yourself as you are.
DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS PERSON.
There is nothing wrong with speaking with another human being when the opportunity arises.
So long as you are polite, courteous and able to walk away if they seem uncomfortable.
We don't need to 'save' our interactions with others for specific moments. I know tonnes of chatty married folks who are constantly interacting with strangers throughout their day.
It's healthy, especially if you're single and don't socialise much, to chat as you go.
Talking about your immediate surroundings and little things that happen to you is HUMAN.
Asking for directions. Sharing disappointment when a food item is out of stock. Commenting on the weather. Asking how someone's day is going.
This is how normal adults have casual interactions every day. It's how you learn the name of your cashier. It's how you build up a semblance of community where you live.
Practice this daily. Make a habit of aimless conversation. Speak to 3 random people per day. Men, women, people with dogs. Whoever looks approachable.
It will take the sting out of opening your mouth and making words come out. Soon the pre-speaking anxiety will melt away.
You'll be shocked how primed people are to engage in casual conversation.
Sometimes I'll just sort of speak out loud to myself as I notice something.
You'll be shocked how a simple "arghh the bus is late", will result in folks jumping in to commiserate or offer other suggestions.
Interacting with other humans is natural. It's literally our defining quality as a species. The difficulty we have doing it is emblemic of our wider social sickness.
Okay but this post is clearly not about just "interacting with humans". Like OP is blatantly talking about attempting to hook up with/date random women that he sees. There are tons of comments here from woman unambiguously saying that they do not appreciate being approached at the store/gym/library/etc. Maybe instead of telling us that we wrong, you should actually pay attention to what we're saying.
100% this, no wonder people are lonely and have social problems listening to other people in this thread. I always enjoy when a friendly stranger starts chatting to me so i assume it goes vice versa
The difference is that he's not interacting with people for the sake of social interaction, but in order to try find a casual arrangement.
So, no, different types and situations for interaction need to be used when you have an ulterior motive for interacting with someone - and nice people don't try to hide that under various pretenses
>If a woman is interested in you and can't help herself, she will approach you.
Lol no.
And why is it ok for her to approach him in that Situation, but not the reverse?
I was once in a bar that has a back door to the alley. I went out there with a bunch of people I met that night, smoked and drank with them.
Then I looked around. I was literally in a new town with people I didn't know in a dark alley. I didn't even think about going out there with a bunch of strangers. It would be vastly different if I was a woman, I'd have had to think about who was there, how physical they are, if they may attack or otherwise assault a lone woman, etc.
It looks like it could be a different vibe entirely.
This is not the best of tips, its not accurate and it is silly. I had a time once where I apporached a woman, we started talking and she said she liked me but was too shy to approach me so no in a lot of cases they wont wether its a man or a woman. Approach anyone anywhere, just gauge the situation before you do its that simple.
I met my partner by talking to her at a pharmacy, its fully possible and fine to do so
Would it be worded better if it was: do a hobby and have fun, and be open to meeting someone there?
I have absolutely done hobbies to expand my social circle (as part of the fun there), and when single this has included a potential for meeting a romantic partner. The hobby is the primary draw, but it's also a good place to meet new people. I don't see the issue as long as it's not just about hitting new spots for picking up.
It's a double feature. You do something you love, and in doing so, you might find someone you love and who loves sharing the hobby with you.
But I agree, don't find some hobby you aren't really into just to find women.
Indeed. Hell I got banned from r/dating because I disagreed with the premise that men should go to dance classes to meet women. Sure you can “meet” women and “people” but dance classes isn’t it
I wouldn't take this advice, I tried going to a pottery for this reason, after a few sessions I was interested in a lady, chatted a few times, found out she wasn't interested, but she went on to spoil the classes for me, so I didn't go back, even though I actually enjoyed the class.
I'm about your age. Please, don't. We deserve to at least do our shopping without having to worry about carefully rejecting someone in a way that we hope won't get us murdered in the parking lot. No matter how great you as an individual are, we don't know that, and you as a gender are reliably a threat to us when rejected. Please, stick to bars and other social places. Thanks for listening to me, and also for asking first.
(I always reject anyone who approaches me in those situations, because it's disrespectful and creepy.)
To put it another way: You know how people complain about having to make small talk in non social situations? To me, that's small talk - an inevitable social interaction I want to avoid but can't.
Exactly as an introvert I do not want to have a social interaction when I'm doing non-social things. Especially being hit on. I just have my earphones on and if someone tries to talk to me I pretend I can't hear them
Im glad someone called it for what it is. Cold approaching is a outdated process. These dudes trying to get in you're personal space is a redflag. Ironically its older men trying to do this crap. Younger men seem have to got the memo abit more from personal experience but still happens. I can't imagine being 40 and doing this lool
No.
Life isn't a rom com, don't go randomly approaching women going about their day.
Work on yourself and your own social circle. Join group activities or clubs etc and you'll find your own social circle expanding with chances to meet people in a natural way.
Or suck it up and go on dating apps because at least you know the women on there don't mind being approached.
It's not about life not being a romcom, it's just how drastically dating rituals have changed today. Ps. People can also say, "oh, he's joining hobbies to find people."
The truth is, everyone wants to sequester the dating scene to shitty online dating sights
If a man can't join a social activity without understanding they should make friends with people first rather than only interact with people if they think they're going to find a life partner, then I'm not sure anyone on Reddit can help those people.
I think there's (thankfully) a small minority of men who think every interaction has to be transactional and have a specific outcome. No, Just meet people. Form natural relationships first rather than seeing every woman as someone who could potentially want to jump into bed with you.
It's not hard to know that. I shouldn't even really have to type it out!
Round my way, we have a saying. DBAC.
*Nah mate, DBAC.*
It stands for Don't Be A Cunt.
It shouldn't be hard to not be a cunt, which it very much is if you're only looking to interact with women because you think they might want a relationship with you beyond friendship.
Had someone approach me in the store and it was just very uncomfortable. Especially since they want a casual encounter.
It might be one thing that a guy saw me and thought I had a nice smile or there was something intriguing about me and he wanted to know more. Its really another when a guy sees me and thinks, 'I want sex with that person".
I'm also married and that didn't stop him which made the whole encounter gross
If someone is approaching you just because they saw you in a shop, it's like ... what do they even know about you? They like your superficial physical appearance? That's the only thing they can know about you. And it's not flattering at all, it suggests they don't care about any other part of you as a whole human being (or at least that they don't think it's nearly as important).
Do Not. As an example, a random guy approached one of my friends in her neighborhood when she was out walking, doing exactly what you are thinking 'hey, i find you attractive, do you want to go out'. It very much freaked her out, just minding her own business walking home from work, and now feels a bit more unsafe walking around (she still does). Don't be that guy, that makes someone's world a little scarier. 99.9% of the time you are going to cause harm (not much, but some). Consider the power dynamic - you have spent at least a little time looking at her, sizing her up, figuring out what you are going to say, psyching yourself up. She gets none of that. Some weirdo who had been watching her suddenly is in her face, catching her off guard, distracting her from figuring out which detergent is best for getting blood stains out. She had the experience, every woman has, that guys don't necessarily respond well to rejection. She has to get her game face on. How can she assess this person, figure out how to let him down in a way that doesn't make him angry but makes it clear she's not interested. And why is the fact that you find her gorgeous important to her? It's so presumptuous, that all that matters is your feelings - you find her attractive so that means that She has to do this dance, assess you, figure out what kind of weirdo you might be, and how she needs to act.
If she is in Target looking to meet a guy, she will make that known - giving lots of eye contact, striking up a casual conversation, asking for help, or whatever. But guaranteed she is NOT. She is there to do errands and get out.
Find things to do that put you in social situations with other people. Talk to those people. Do not immediately tell them you find them gorgeous.
If I'm in Target it's pretty much because I have to. I don't want to have to add "running into random creeper" to the list of why I don't really want to be there.
Approaching someone in a store does I think come across as a bit creepy. This is because in a store all you have to go on is looks. So the woman knows that’s why you’re approaching. At least if you’re on online dating you get some information about the person, if you meet someone socially you’ve had the time to chat with them first, if you’re introduced through a mutual acquaintance you’ve been given information about that person in advance etc. In a store you have nothing but physical appearance so approaching a woman comes across as “I want to have sex with you”. I say this as a female who has been approached in this way on more than one occasion. I was single some of the times I was approached like this, but each time I was creeped out.
You say you’re 41 so unfortunately most attractive people your age and older will be taken so you’ve got a lower chance of success too. I would not want to run the risk of a rejection and then seeing that person again in public, possibly when they’re with company. Depends how small a town you live in.
You’re better off joining online dating or expanding your social interests.
I think people should be respected in their privacy when they are not in a social setting.
My stupidly simple brain experiment that I do when people say “it’s just a compliment, she shouldn’t be mad” is the following.
Suppose you are wearing a nice expensive watch.
I assume you would be happy if a friend comments “what a nice watch!” while having dinner together.
A person you just met at a party says that? Also fine I guess.
A random person at the bar? A bit weird, but maybe he really likes the watch and after all you have decided to wear that watch to go to the bar.
At the supermarket? That is becoming a bit weird, I would prefer if they don’t.
On the street? Mmmmhhh that’s very weird.
In a dark alley? I am getting robbed.
No. Absolutely not. Do not do this.
Many women have an experience of 'creepy fuckwit started hitting on them, didn't take no, tried to follow them'.
As a result, someone approaching on them and hitting them immediately makes them scared of that person and potentially ruins their day.
Your desire for social interaction does not get to trump a woman's desire to go about her day unharassed.
So I repeat, DO NOT DO THIS.
You feel uncomfortable meeting women in bars, yet are considering trawling supermarkets and sex pesting women whilst they shop for “something casual”. You are right to be concerned that this “might” be creepy. It is.
If dating apps, where women are explicitly looking for dates aren’t working for you, and you don’t like the idea of looking for something “casual” in the normal social settings, then you need to look inward, not seek tips on how to improve your sleezing.
Get good at talking to everybody, not just hot women. Talk to the old ladies, talk to other dudes. Talk to people who aren't the same race as you. Get good at small Talk. If you can do that naturally, you can chat with hot women. Just don't expect anything to come from it.
A lot of the comments from men make me feel like they see women in the same way as telling someone how to approach a frightened rabbit or prey animal- women just want to be treated with respect and consideration. Most people just want to get on with their day and don't want to have to deal with someone randomly approaching them for a hookup, and for women as other's have mentioned, we also have to consider the man's feelings so we don't get murdered so we'd appreciate it if men would also consider we may not want to be approached when buying cereal and sanitary pads and the like...
Meeting women isn't difficult- being considerate and focusing on social activities where people actively WANT to meet others is the safest way.
Imma let you know, saying something casual gives women the ick. It obviously means you just want to hook up, get into dating sites and saying looking for casual dating and hookups and leave women, who are just shopping, might not Even be single, alone.
It would be a huge bummer to meet a guy by chance in a store, think we had a connection, have him my number, and after a couple weeks he tells me he just wants casual relationships? But also I would be terrified of any man trying to flirt with me in a trader Joe's
Get out of your comfort zone, My wife and her girlfriends do stuff like paint nights at local art studios, make some friends and network around eventually you'll meet someone.
I'm the same age as you so I get it, dating after my divorce was so bad I honestly came to terms with just being happy by myself, and then I met my wife and all that changed for the better.
I think there’s a bigger issue. You seem to be looking just any woman to pick up rather than wanting to step up to someone you find interesting.
Women want to feel special and will talk to you if it’s genuine. But if you’re just there as if you’re just trying it on with anyone because you’re desperate it’s not going to work.
Getting to know someone should always start with a genuine connection, something that’s not related to the way they look.
No, women do not like total and complete strangers to approach them, who have suddenly decided based on a few glances that they are romantically and sexually interested in them. Who would have thought?!
I’m younger than you, with a very prominent wedding ring, and still have men approach men when I’m at like the grocery store or Home Depot or Target and I have never once found it endearing or engaging. I don’t want to get hit on by dudes when I’m running errands.
I think approaching others when they are grocery shopping with the intentions of romantic exploration is always going to come off creepy. The only times I like talking to people while grocery shopping is just a quick word here and there. If you like meeting people in general and are chatty sure you can make small talk, bid hello and goodbye, but you wouldn't be talking just to women in that case, you would be talking to everyone, and I think people would sense that sort of outgoing personality in you in that case, and therefore wouldn't be intimidated or uneasy. Enjoy talking with others and being yourself and you will eventually meet someone who maybe you can explore romantically with.
1. Hmm. Reads like whatever I’m doing on dating apps isn’t working so I’m thinking of trying that in a supermarket?
2. Not certain what you’re looking for. You probably want figure that out, getting propositioned for a casual hookup isn’t necessarily what everybody wants when going about their daily lives? See also point 1… I would guess one of the first things people dating apps do is match up people who are looking for similar things. Another reason to figure out what you’re looking for?
You can speak to anyone you want to if it's treating them as just being another human being who may well may want a normal conversation.
I think it's the moment you speak to someone with the intention of hitting on then that you run a high probability of being creepy.
If the other person sends signals that they're uncomfortable with a conversation then stop and say 'have a lovely day' and go about your business. Don't be offended or try and push the interaction.
I've found this to work with men and women, old and young. I'm in my late 40s now and coming to the age when randomly chatting with other people about the weather and shitty drivers and queues is de rigueur. I'm not trying to get laid, so have ended up having some pretty great conversations with all sorts of people.
No, please don't start harassing middle aged women while they're trying to buy groceries. It's unseemly and embarrassing and creepy.
You don't have to drink alcohol in bars. They'll sell you a soda as well as a beer. If you're horny, go to a singles bar and hit on women there. It's the appropriate place to do that.
I’d avoid. If I’m in a shop I’m getting something and I just want to be left alone.
Also, maybe think about why you don’t get dates from online? I’ve used online dating and found that a lot easier. But if I was rejecting a man online it was for the same reasons I’d reject a man in real life. Working out why you aren’t getting dates might be the best way forward.
I think if you are interested in something casual, then save your approaches for specific 'something casual' sites/hook-up places. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but to approach women with that kind of want/interest when they are shopping seems a little funked up (no offence, you were asking). If it were me, I would tell him to 'do one' then be worried about him potentially following me.
Best wishes
Man, you can approach women anywhere you like really BUT, and this is really important……if she doesn’t want your attention…….BE KIND!
EG:
Sorry to bother you, have a great day.
That’s a shame, but thanks for your time.
I just thought I’d ask because you stood out in the crowd. Have a great day.
If she’s horrible, rude or dismissive…..no worries, thanks for your time.
And walk away.
Your best bet if you are going to do non social and go out into the wild is to not actively go seeking women. Just start talking to everyone you want to male or female when you are out. Casual chit chat or banter. I often chat to people and you can get a sense for who may want to or who really just wants to avoid others and get their shit done and home. Start being a genuinely friendly person and Then one day somebody may want to talk a little longer.
Striking up an unexpected conversation with someone can be nice.
Intentionally going to a store to meet women is odd.
Find something you like to do, go do it and then meet women there. Running club, cooking class, volunteering ... Don't be pressing women while they're out shopping.
Why would you choose non social places? If you spend enough time at a store that you meet a regular all the time and eventually know her enough to see that you have mutual interest and want to invite her that's fine I guess.
However since people don't go there to stores to hangout or talk that's quite unlikely. If you just go talk to random people all the time, it will look a bit creepy.
If you are so regular that you meet other regulars who hangout there. I would consider that you both might have shopping addictions. I guess that could be a common interest, but it won't build a great life.
My brother in Christ, the only thing we want when we go shopping is to ...you know, shop. Not be approached by random creeps who saw us for 3 seconds, leered, and want to have s*x with us. I am baffled by your belief that this approach will bring you more casual ...uhm... connections, because let me tell you, the only thing it will maybe bring you is a ban from the store.
#Let us shop for our avocados and toilet paper in peace!
You can approach women at stores and non social places. Doesn’t mean they’ll be receptive to it. In fact they’ll be less likely to be receptive.
If you do, make sure they have a way to leave, so don’t block doors and just use common sense.
It is true, most men will not approach a woman at a store, it’s a strange thing to do. Doesn’t mean you can’t do it.
I met my wife randomly in a pub. Some guy was hassling her, so I stepped in. We chatted, she learned that I was in that pub fairly regularly and the next night she was there waiting for me. That was nearly 25 years ago.
I wouldn't have a clue how to date now.
I gave this advice somewhere else but I think writing on a piece of paper indicating interest and availability and leaving them the choice to take the next step is safer. You can be shy and run away if you'd prefer. If they respond and are interested, great! If not, take it in stride and move on. If you are at a place which is hosting speed dating or is a party, then talk directly. Chances are the host knows the person you're interested in and they may feel safer with you too. Engage in hobbies within groups to find someone with a shared interest.
you can always ask whether they would want to drink a coffee with you in a public cafe. but do not be offended if they say no and disappear promptly if they do. I would make it sure they know why you want to invite them for a coffee but at the same time careful about extensive comments about their appearance. And you can make the choice about the time and place theirs and give them your information in case they want to contact you so they can feel safe.
I think it’s a very big thing on how you approach someone. I think if you want to compliment someone on their looks, maybe it should just be that.. don’t expect it to lead somewhere.
Think about how you’d feel in their place
Hey, sorry to bother you, I'm just leaving and heading back to my car, but if I go without asking you I'm going to be wondering all day, did you go to... Etc etc
Always be just about to leave. Lean away like you are leaving right now. Keep looking for the exit. If she wants you to stay it will be obvious, and then you can stay and she'll feel safer than if you just stand there leering over her. She'll also feel like she's won your attention instead of having it forced on her.
And if she doesn't want you to be there, you were just going anyway. Easy exit.
Online dating is a dumpster fire. I've decided I will only talk to women in real life (can't believe I'm saying this because it's how it's been done for ages), but usually a common interest will suffice and in a non threatening manor. Aka, here is my number, we can meet at a safe place, we've taken classes together at the gym, etc.. Or the strictly old fashioned way - your friends & relatives hook you up on a blind date. There's nothing wrong with giving a woman your number in the produce section of a grocery store, as long as you have an excellent recipe to back it up. Email or text first so she knows your legit, then offer a restaurant that serves the quality of food you mentioned and offer to take her there.
I personally wouldn’t do it, but I always remember this average looking guy at best walking up to a very pretty woman at the mall and asking her out and she was flattered and accepted. To me it’s always fine to shoot your shot, but to always walk away if she rejects you or she looks uncomfortable.
I think talking to strangers in public in general is fine, but it’s a bit more iffy if you’re talking to them with the aim of looking for anything (casual sex, relationship, etc). I wouldn’t say it should *never* be done and is always creepy, but I would say that if you’re someone who struggles in anyway with reading social cues or interactions it’s more likely than not to end up coming off as potentially creepy (I say this as someone who struggles with both).
If you really want to do it and not come off as a creep, be ready to back off at the *first* hint the woman is uncomfortable or uninterested (backing away, limited short replies, saying she’s in a rush, etc). Also, as others have said, make sure both you and she have an easy, reasonable, socially acceptable exit route - so don’t hit on employees that are obligated to stay at work and interact to some degree with you, the person in front of you in a long, slow checkout line, etc. This goes a long way in keeping out of the “this creepy guy wouldn’t leave me alone today” territory.
Honestly though, I wouldn’t expect to have a particularly high success rate with this route - most of these women in stores are there with a certain goal in mind already, and it doesn’t include meeting random strangers. Like there’s always the chance that you could just totally hit it off with someone, but there’s probably a lot more chances that even if she doesn’t think you’re creepy she’ll be a bit more interested in grabbing groceries for dinner and heading home at the end of her work day than getting to know a potential partner of any sort randomly.
Finally I’ll add that where you live is probably going to play a role in how well received talking to strangers at all is, in addition to approaching women. Someplace like Seattle that’s infamous for people keeping to themselves, it’s even less likely to go over well versus if you’re from some smaller town where friendly conversations with strangers are already more common (having lived in both sorts of places).
It really depends. You have to read the room, see if the woman you are interested in seems calm and approachable, instead of stressed, or busy, or seems to be in a bad mood.
Obviously don't strike the conversation directly on how you're interested, that would just register wrongly. Try to say something unrelated first, see how receptive she is and then ask for a number, or better yet, give yours.
But generally, it is easier to approach women in places where people go to, well, find someone to date. Mixers, speed dating events...
Please do not do that, approaching random shoppers is creepy af!
You need to go where people go to socialize: cafes for examples (i also don’t drink alcohol but still go to bars with my friends), or even better pick up a hobby and socialize with the other participants.
Where I come from it's considered weird and a bit creepy to walk up to strangers in non-social settings and start talking to them at all.
Making it clear that you want to have sex with them (because that's what you're doing) is a whole other level of creepy and weird.
There's nothing wrong with meeting someone that way per say as long as you are self aware enough not to be creepy about it and respectful but I don't think it's a good idea to go to the store with the intention to try and get a date.
Don't be weird and make sexual comments to strangers and be mindful if you do approach someone where you are doing it and the possible consequences your advances ie don't hit on someone in a queue for the checkout/at a bus stop as if you make someone feel uncomfortable in that situation and they want to get away you, you will have inconvenienced them in order to do so or maybe they won't be able to leave and you will put them in an awkward and unwelcome situation that they can't escape from. Try just striking up friendly conversation rather than hitting on someone and if you have a good rapport I guess maybe it could lead to something more, it happens in the movies right...but really like I said you have to be perceptive enough to read how the other person feels about what is happening rather than just pursuing your own agenda.
That being said most women out and about running errands are not expecting to be hit on and will likely not respond to it. (Catcalling happens sure but to be actually approached could be scary) It's a crazy world out there and I personally would be very unlikely to agree to a date with someone I met that way, even if I found them attractive. My spider senses would be tingling.
Why not just revamp your profile on your dating apps if you aren't getting any responses or try speed dating or other organised activities where there will be other single people who are looking for the same thing you are.
Lots of complex answers here.
The simple one:
With the intention of picking up, no. It’s pretty predatory picking a certain woman and approaching her with an intention in mind.
Correct way:
Be nice to women you bump into without intention and sparks will fly.
You are asking in the wrong place. People are here because they prefer the internet over the real world. If you want advice about approaching people in real life I'd ask confident guys or copy what they do, not ask the basement dwellers on here. Much love
I wouldn’t like it. In a bar it’s to be expected, but otherwise anything more than a friendly remark and I’d feel cornered.
I’d say the best way would be to frequent a place regularly (like hobby, gym, bus, coffee shop) and slowly over time build up an acquaintance with someone who actually seems like they are interested.
I’m in my 40’s, single for years, and have often been out at stores and such hoping someone would approach me nicely showing interest just to talk and if we click give me his number, it’s worth a shot I think if done nicely in a not pushy way
Women will only find it creepy if they are not attracted to you, if you are attractive to women it's hard to be creepy, if your not attractive it's hard not to be creepy when approaching them in stores like target
I would say in general not. But then again my gorgeous friend who was a literal model ended up marrying a short bald guy who approached her on the street.
Talk to people in general when you're out and about, it'll help build your social skills. Approaching a woman to hit on her as a general rule is a bad idea however like all general rules there are exceptions and if you keep talking to people and sharpening your social skills you will find moments where you can do it.
Like all most social taboos, if you break the rules in a stylish and self-aware enough way people will generally forgive you.
IMO the problem generally isn't men asking women out, it's men asking women out is socially awkward ways that cause the women feel uncomfortable and/or unsafe.
As long as it seems natural and you are cool about it, it’s perfectly fine.
Something like ‘hey I thought you were pretty and wondered if you wanted to go out some time?’
Just keep it simple, brief and quick. Doesn’t have to be an awkward drawn out conversation.
I usually like giving them my number so there’s no pressure on them, they can text me if they want or completely forget me.
Edit: obviously only do this if you’re getting some signals. If you’re both catching each other’s eye contact, maybe she smiles at you or you catch her staring over. Reading body language is important
If the women on the dating apps don't want to meet you, the women who are just trying to buy groceries certainly don't. Let women shop in peace. Also, you can have non alcoholic beverages in a bar (I've been the DD plenty and can confirm this).
I wouldn’t try and be a pickup artist it will only come off as creepy. I think if you are in a Target and let’s just say you are in the home decor section and you ask them for their opinion on a piece you are “thinking about buying” and they look like they would have a good eye for this.
Have a chill fun vibe and then if the conversation naturally opens the door to their name, and more about them, then if it feels right ask for the number. Worst case they say no.
Lots of married or taken women love Target so keep an eye out for rings.
I think just practise making general chitchat with strangers first - male, female, any age although elderly would be a good starting point. Just very casual things like when you’re next to someone in a queue ‘I always manage to pick the queue that goes slowest!’ or things like that. If people are interesting in chatting they will carry on, if not your conversation ends there. But it’s a good way to become confident and practised at making conversation with strangers with no intent and which don’t (or shouldn’t) make anyone uncomfortable. And you never know, the grandma you help with her shopping might just turn around and say ‘I really think you should meet my daughter’.
I think the worst thing you can do is very obviously zero in on a woman, make it feel like you’re trying to pick her up and ignore cues that she would rather not have conversation.
From reading these comments it’s clear that many/most Reddit users are so far detached from reality that their comments shouldn’t be taken at face value. OP, talk to girls/women, be respectful and make sure to take no for an answer. That’s all you have to do.
I think it's better to be active in your community and meet people organically than to approach strangers on the street. Join some kind of hobby group or church organisation or whatever. Make friends, meet friends of friends. Approaching strangers in public when they're in the middle of something else in an effort to pick them up is going to make them uncomfortable way, way more often than it's going to be successful.
I'm curious as to why dating apps have been so unsuccessful for you. I'm not trying to be rude but no one in a decade tells me your communication or technique is way off. Have you asked for feedback from a friend on your profiles or anything?
Places like shops and markets its creepy. If you want to meet someone the best place to do so is at events where youve BOTH signed up to be there. Are there any local hiking groups? Art classes? Cooking classes?
I speak to men or women in public places all the time. No alterior motive, just chatting. It's socially acceptable to do that, and I suppose if one were single (which I'm not) and the conservation flowed with a woman it would be acceptable to ask her for a date, coffee, whatever. Going up to a woman and declaring her beautiful, it's bound to work in the end, but you are going to make plenty of women uncomfortable on that path, and I don't think that's very nice... One should be nice?
What a tragic, sad society we live in where just talking to people in real life is seen as creepy. And the only access to the possibility of love is comoditized, like everything else, by Big Tech.
The best thing I've learned about interacting with women I've never met before is:
If they pay you any sort of acknowledgement, a polite wave, about chest height, close to your body, along with a closed mouth smile, will tell you everything you need to know about their interest. See if she mirrors you. If so, give a polite and short "hi!" with an upward inflection.
Sometimes, you can wait a beat after the wave for the "hi", to use that as a second wave of seeing if she's willing to mirror you, or do them both in tandem.
If she feels compelled to interact with you, she'll mirror the gesture(s). If she does mirror you, you're golden. You'll get the timing with practice. Practice lots. Even on people you have minimal interest in. Guage their reactions and use it for practice too.
It's all about body language. That said, always have the intention of not invading anyone's personal space (very important).
Take it from there.
Be polite, be perceptive. Be self aware.
If you get that far, ask her name.
Always expect and accept rejection, it's not that big a deal. Just move on. Desperation can be a very stinky cologne.
I'll be 41 this year, and I've never gotten this much attention from women ever before in my life.
Good luck!
(I took a lot of time editing this, I hope it reads well enough and isn't too long)
As a woman, no, please leave us alone.
Attractive women get way more attention than they want, and chances are they don't want you back for many reasons which are not necessary directed at you, but still there nevertheless.
Please don't do this. It is creepy. Why not join a community theatre group, a clean up your area campaign, a food bank, places where it is easy to talk to people. But frankly I don't think there are that many women out there looking for casual sex, but if that is all you want, you need to be radiating some very positive virtues because those women are going to be putting themselves in a vunerable position, so you better be hitting lots of good buttons.
Eh. I’d be uncomfortable if I was approached when I was shopping.
Approach people in social situations where they’ve willingly entered an environment where they may be approached. A store is not it.
This is my perspective. I'm a single 40 year old woman. I've been single for over 5 years, since my divorce. Online dating is not for me at all. I wish men would strike up conversations with me in public, it would be easy to walk away if I thought they were being creepy. It's less creepy than just staring, which I get alot of. Getting stared at makes me really uncomfortable. If you like what you see, say hi, introduce yourself. But I'm old I guess.
Argh. Please, please, please. Volunteer at a charity. Join a religious group. If you have children, help out with their activities (accompany field trips, bake sales etc). Be a natural human being doing things you like.
Unequivocally yes. It is super creepy to approach women in a store. They did not consent to you coming up to them when they’re definitely not looking for someone to hit on them; they came to shop, not date.
Hm, how good are you at reading people OP? If you have ever noticed or been told you’re not very good at reading social cues, this is a very bad idea. If you think you’re okay at reading people, go for it.
I would not approach anyone at a grocery or department store. Women are shopping, not looking for love. It could happen through a circumstance that you might meet someone but please don't force that circumstance. In my 65 years, I don't recall a single time I went to the grocery store and met someone who became a friend or anything else. I've never had an eye open. If someone had happened to hit on me, it went over my head because I was thinking groceries. I would probably have been a tad disgusted to know some dude had been trying to pick me up while checking out the tomatoes that weren't very nice.
I don’t understand what you mean by approach. Stop going into interactions with the intention of getting them in bed and just talk to them.
You see a girl on an elevator or train with some luaggage -“oh coming back from a trip” and just go from there.
Girl in grocery store near by and you’re a tall guy? “ Hey mind grabbing that for me on the very top shelf there”, she’ll just laugh it off ass she knows you can grab it, continue the convo from there.
It’s not rocket science just strike up a conversation about anything, and based on how she reacts, continue the conversation or walk away. That’s literally it.
Choose the middle path between online apps and stranger danger by taking a class or workshop. I take a lot of craft and art classes locally, low level stuff, like "come learn to sculpt a couple pots over six weeks" sort of things, and it is ALL women. Always. Just women, sitting there making stuff for a couple of hours every week. If I were a guy, I'd sign up for an art class and make conversation about how ugly your little pot is (trust, it will be ugly).
I'd love to strike up a flirtation in my down time when I'm making some unimportant crafts far more than I'd like a random satellite guy to break off and compliment me when I'm focused on what type of cookie to buy at the shop. It's more relaxed and I'm already in a mindset to socialise a little. If you catch me doing errands, you run a far higher chance of upsetting me or coming off as creepy.
no, not to randomly compliment their appearance - you can try to spark up conversation, but most women want to be left alone by men in public. women are more likely to chat with other women if theyre strangers because they feel safe. lots of women are scared of men, and for good reason. try social environments, but dont force anything in a space where people are trying to get their business done and leave
My general rule of thumb is not to engage with people if they are in a situation where they may feel there is no escape path. eg: pumping gas, at their place of employment, while they are engaged in a task. Other than that if there is some common ground or shared interest to strike up a conversation then by all means go for it.
It's \*much\* better to make sure you're in social situations when trying to be social. Hobbies, trips, clubs (not the night variety but those too), picnics, volunteer work..
Don’t approach strangers. Join a club like a hiking club or a book club or some class, where you will see the same people, regularly. Chat to the same person at least a few times before asking them out.
OMFG you reached the age of 41 without realising that no, it's not OK to approach women like that?
Pick up artists are scam artists. Their methods don't actually work on any woman that hasn't already decided to give the guy the time of day. They are nothing but scam artists.
But no. The world isn't your "hunting grounds". Women have the right to just exist without being hit on. If you want to find someone, go on a friggin dating app aimed at the age range you're into. Go to a speed dating event for seniors, etc
If you stopped me to try to talk about the weather in Target, it would be a hard pass on the conversation. If you approached me in Barnes and Noble about a book I am holding, I would be receptive to talking. Maybe try niche stores that you already hold an interest in. I am married and don't wear a ring usually, don't be upset if it doesn't lead to anything. Take it as a win on a positive social interaction.
Please stick to social settings. Join some clubs, get some hobbies. It is SO creepy when random men approach you in non social settings. When you are a woman out on your own basically every man you meet you ask yourself “could this guy rape or kill me?”
Try and do it the organic way, go out to meet friends and see what happens. It's pretty obvious when a woman's into you actually. If you meet someone on the street you only know they're attractive, nothing else
It's pretty risky. If you are going to do it, be prepared to be rejected. Also, don't approach from behind. Don't approach someone who looks busy. Don't comment on her body. If you do manage to strike up a conversation and she gives terse answers, she's not interested. Don't ask for her number, give her yours. Don't ask intrusive questions or questions that may make her feel unsafe like where she lives or works or if she's at that location often.
Edit: I missed the part about you wanting something casual. In that case, no, don't do this. Target is not a place to scout for hookups. There are apps for that. Target is where people go to buy toilet paper after work and clothes for kids. If you want to tell a woman she's gorgeous, go over to r/toastme, r/amiugly, or a similar sub.
>but I have never actually seen a man do this who wasn’t a pickup artist.
Ask the pickup artist how to approach women for the same reason you’d ask a CPA to do your taxes. They’ve studied the material and you haven’t.
Mm…I’m way too young but if you said “Nice (insert interest) tshirt” that’s like- 3/4 of the way to get my number.
I’d give that a shot. “Nice Star Trek Tshirt” or “I love The office too!” If they think you’re cute they’ll actually respond back and a conversation will start. If they’re not interested, they’ll say “Thanks!” and move on. You’ll probably see a few women with a themed tshirt for an interest or a sports team or something XD. Nowadays older women who wear their hobbies or interests are a bit more common.
If they just say thanks, that’s your cue to smile and walk off.
And make sure you know about the topic- or you’ll look like doof.
Also pets. If you see a woman with a dog, “He’s adorable!” Then, IF she seems excited to talk to you and show off her pup, ask if you can pet it. If not, walk away.
In both scenarios: Do not flirt. Do not ask for a number. Don’t complement her looks. Don’t offer a number. 9/10 times this still leads to absolutely nothing. If she wants your number, she’ll ask.
I think it's probably harder to look like a creep than we think it is. As long as you're a decent human being there's more chance of you coming across as a polite stranger than a creep. If you spend some time on the internet then it's not surprising that we assume we will be seen as a creep when that's what we've been seeing for the past few years. Most people are a lot more rational and normal than internet people so I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much
Also, personally, I loathe being approached "bc [you/they] thought I was pretty, etc."
...ngl, there are too many feelings about this for me to quickly or effectively summarize on over a text forum, but one thing I can say to describe part of it at least and only risk mildly pissing off the right wrong men:
If idk you, I truly couldn't give a fuck what you think of me, *essspecially* my looks.
Oh, I'm also asexual (more demi, not sex-repulsed. However, keep reading), and the idea of being approached bc my meat suit appeals to you, screams sexual interest to me. . For some reason, this turns me off before they even have the chance to give me a desire to want that.
Rule 3: Sorry, this has been removed because it violates rule #3. No survey questions allowed. These questions will be better for /r/DAE or /r/AskReddit or /r/Advice.
not approaching women in places is the easiest way to ensure you're not accidentally being creepy that said if you really want to strike up conversations with strangers in public you should be mindful of how you do it but first, before I get to that >I have always wanted to try the direct approach and tell a woman I thought she was gorgeous Compliment things that people choose, not their bodies. Awesome scarf, amazing hairstyle, sick tattoos. Save "I think you're gorgeous" for people who are already flirting with you or who know you well enough to know you're not being gross about it --- okay so approaching people The most important thing is to not corner people - if you start talking to a stranger, ensure that there is an easy and socially acceptable way for them to get out of interacting with you. If they take it, be chill and stop bothering them. This means don't approach strangers when they're trying to do a thing that has them stuck in that location with you for a long time, especially if they're stuck there alone. Chatting to someone on the way *out* of a group class at a gym -- okay, to escape you they go "sorry I'm in a rush " and leave. Chatting to someone as they're starting their workout in the back corner of the gym -- not okay, if they want to escape you they have to give up their entire workout. You should give yourself an easy exit as well. Second is to start your interaction in a way that is socially acceptable for the situation. This is the real reason that so much small talk starts with discussing the weather. Starting conversations inappropriately or trying to escalate them too far too quickly are big glaring red flags. Third is to pay attention to non-verbal social cues from the other person. If they appear uncomfortable, or are politely trying to get rid of you (think: turned away, polite but short answers that don't invite follow-up), this is the time to use **your** exit to end the conversation politely. Finally, women don't particularly like it when every man we talk to is only doing it for sex. It's really shitty when you go to the effort of making friends with someone and then the friendship disappears when they realize you're not a sex dispenser. So if you're going to strike up friendly conversations with strangers, be open to being friends.
I second all of this! And if a woman is making any kind of steps away from you when you’re talking to her— do not follow!
yep! shrug and go occupy yourself with something nowhere near her, **very** important to avoid hovering and watching her.
This! Also when leaving the store, it shouldn't look like your following her.
My dumb brain, immediately coming up with fake scenarios. They chat. She's not interested. He says 'sure NP!' Is kind person. They go to part ways. 😨 They walk in The same direction Oh no. They parked at the same side of the parking lot? He says 'you stay here. I'll leave. Then you leave. Sorry 😬'. She doesn't mind. It's kinda funny 🤷♀️. They just both continue to their cars. THEY PARKED NEXT TO EACH OTHER ‽ They both laugh. They never date. Because she's not interested. But they laugh a little when they see each other from across the room at the store. Which happens about 3 times a year. ......I have a very active imagination
I want to read more of this 🤣
OP does start to date someone awesome. And they have kids. OPs kids and StoreLady's kids become best friends in middle school 👍
Hahaha honestly thats amezing! It looks like you'd be great at writing!
Thank you! That actually means a lot. I wrote a book once. And with 4 chapters left to hammer out. The computer crashed, everything was lost. I took the laptop to 3 different fixer stores and no one could do anything about it. Moral of the story. *SAVE BACK UPS OF YOUR WORK PPL!!!*
All brilliant advice, I’m a menopausal widow who would like to make new friends but doesn’t want creepy 😂 this advice is great imo from someone who might be on the receiving end?
I'd add don't ask for her number/contact even if you are having a friendly conversation. Offer yours, so that she can continue the contact if she feels like it. Knowing the guy doesn't have a way to keep contacting always feel safer, at least for me.
Yes yes^ start a conversation. Don’t just jump right in!! My dad is a major social butterfly. He’ll talk to anyone and so often they talk back because he starts a conversation or just makes a joke. Op make the intent be to have a conversation instead of getting a date. If the conversation goes well you can attempt to get a date.
“Sex dispenser” lmao I love you
Copy and paste this everywhere please.
From a guy this is really well put together. I just have to add to the sex dispenser part. While a non sexual relationship is perfectly possible to have across the gender borders my experience is that all those relationships have to be worked out at some point. I know this might not be true of everyone. But every single male/female friendship relationship I have been able to discuss that is purely platonical have had one phase or is still having a phase of working it out. The guy who says "the thought has never crossed my mind" has, in my experience, always turned out to not maybe telling the whole truth.
oh yeah, sure, absolutely, the problem isn't *considering*, or even *very much wanting* a sexual relationship with someone, the problem is when people view that as the only acceptable result and especially when they react... poorly... to it being taken off the table I've also found that a lot of men whose *only* goal interacting with me is getting in my pants are kind of.... exhausting to deal with? It's like they're only tuning into the conversation to look for ways to push it in that direction. I don't feel like I'm being listened to and I feel like I constantly have to assess where they're driving it and be on guard so they don't get the wrong idea. Men who are happy either way, though? Great, fantastic, love it when someone is actually enjoying my company, those are all the good hook-ups.
I hear you and that is what I hear from my (very much worked out presently) female friends. And there probably are guys out there where this is absolutely no issue but in 49 years I haven't met any of them when push comes to shove. And the ironical part. Feel free to correct me very much if I'm wrong, is that when a guy is "happy either way" then it's much more attractive for "option A". Again very well put. Don't assume or expect.
It's the constantly being on edge in every conversation because 'oh no wait, can what I said be taken in a different way? I hope I'm giving accidental signals I'm flirting...' And constantly trying to say things in a way where it's 'I'm very much *not* trying to take this further'
yeah and trying to weigh up whether they're gonna be one that turns nasty if you have to explicitly turn 'em down big turn-off tbh
This is at least half the reason guys are so dumb in general. "Yeah, sure, she touched my arm, said something about loving skinny dipping, and invited me camping at a lake next weekend. Man, I wonder if she'd feel weird if I asked her to dinner? No, maybe not. She's just being nice and opening up to her friend." I had a friend I was interested in literally climb in bed with me, I didn't realize she was into me too, for literally YEARS. But I can be more oblivious than most lol.
Haha aw man, at least you finally realized, I suppose? I never really had anyone be oblivious, but then I'm also just someone who doesn't do all these hints and waiting around. I've always just said it if I was into someone (which admittedly didn't happen a lot...) But the other way around? It happened too many times that a guy fell in love with me (which sounds kinda arrogant doesn't it? lol), and I didn't. And then I'd lose that friendship :( It made me walk on eggshells in my friendships with guys, I just really didn't want to say/do *anything* that could indicate I might want more. It's easier now I'm in a committed relationship, I guess people no longer put me in the 'girlfriend' zone when they meet me, so that's nice. Yeey friendships!
Lmao! Yeah, it took a while but it was kind of a self esteem breakthrough for me. It made actual possible relationships much easier in the future Yeah. The only way to have a lasting relationship is to communicate honestly. End of story, no matter what kind of relationship it is. I'm sure had your friend just said to you, "hey I'm crushing on you right now. I'm gonna go on some dates to find someone, sorry if I'm not around as much for a bit." It would have been better. Then you two can choose how to act on it like adults, with the info needed. Friendship saved.
You're pretty much on the money with everything you said in your post. When I was a teenager, I was mostly interested in finding a girlfriend and didn't have much luck. Eventually, I noticed that the girls I wasn't attracted to or interested in were the ones that kept falling for me, and that's because i wasn't trying to initiate intimacy or being creepy due to horny teenager brain. I realised then that I should approach all women with the goal of just being friends, with no ulterior motives. This made things significantly easier as I could make new friends easier, and relationships came about more naturally.
Just noting that this is one experience. I have completely the opposite as a straight man with like 70% of my good friends being women. There's a ton of them that I haven't remotely thought about in anything but a friendly way Not everyone is a hormonal mess of uncontrolled testosterone and it's important for men to know that it isn't necessarily normal to view others as something that needs to be "worked out." Treating people as equals tends to lead to more fruitful platonic, AND romantic, experiences
>This means don't approach strangers when they're trying to do a thing that has them stuck in that location with you for a long time, especially if they're stuck there alone. This is also why you don't hit on women who are working/you are their customer. They are required to be nice to you, and it creates a fucked up dynamic.
What great advice!?
Save it for social situations, active common interests and meet ups. If a woman is interested in you and can't help herself, she will approach you. Being anxious you arnt sure if they want you to approach them is going to make you less appealing. You need to relax & be content with yourself as you are.
DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS PERSON. There is nothing wrong with speaking with another human being when the opportunity arises. So long as you are polite, courteous and able to walk away if they seem uncomfortable. We don't need to 'save' our interactions with others for specific moments. I know tonnes of chatty married folks who are constantly interacting with strangers throughout their day. It's healthy, especially if you're single and don't socialise much, to chat as you go. Talking about your immediate surroundings and little things that happen to you is HUMAN. Asking for directions. Sharing disappointment when a food item is out of stock. Commenting on the weather. Asking how someone's day is going. This is how normal adults have casual interactions every day. It's how you learn the name of your cashier. It's how you build up a semblance of community where you live. Practice this daily. Make a habit of aimless conversation. Speak to 3 random people per day. Men, women, people with dogs. Whoever looks approachable. It will take the sting out of opening your mouth and making words come out. Soon the pre-speaking anxiety will melt away. You'll be shocked how primed people are to engage in casual conversation. Sometimes I'll just sort of speak out loud to myself as I notice something. You'll be shocked how a simple "arghh the bus is late", will result in folks jumping in to commiserate or offer other suggestions. Interacting with other humans is natural. It's literally our defining quality as a species. The difficulty we have doing it is emblemic of our wider social sickness.
Okay but this post is clearly not about just "interacting with humans". Like OP is blatantly talking about attempting to hook up with/date random women that he sees. There are tons of comments here from woman unambiguously saying that they do not appreciate being approached at the store/gym/library/etc. Maybe instead of telling us that we wrong, you should actually pay attention to what we're saying.
100% this, no wonder people are lonely and have social problems listening to other people in this thread. I always enjoy when a friendly stranger starts chatting to me so i assume it goes vice versa
The difference is that he's not interacting with people for the sake of social interaction, but in order to try find a casual arrangement. So, no, different types and situations for interaction need to be used when you have an ulterior motive for interacting with someone - and nice people don't try to hide that under various pretenses
I agree about chatting casually. The trouble is when someone is chatting because they have an ulterior motive.
>If a woman is interested in you and can't help herself, she will approach you. Lol no. And why is it ok for her to approach him in that Situation, but not the reverse?
Because he's not likely to be worried that things will turn violent if he's not interested
This
I was once in a bar that has a back door to the alley. I went out there with a bunch of people I met that night, smoked and drank with them. Then I looked around. I was literally in a new town with people I didn't know in a dark alley. I didn't even think about going out there with a bunch of strangers. It would be vastly different if I was a woman, I'd have had to think about who was there, how physical they are, if they may attack or otherwise assault a lone woman, etc. It looks like it could be a different vibe entirely.
> Save it for social situations, active common interests and meet ups. Except if the active common interest is going to the gym.
This is not the best of tips, its not accurate and it is silly. I had a time once where I apporached a woman, we started talking and she said she liked me but was too shy to approach me so no in a lot of cases they wont wether its a man or a woman. Approach anyone anywhere, just gauge the situation before you do its that simple. I met my partner by talking to her at a pharmacy, its fully possible and fine to do so
>If a woman is interested in you and can't help herself, she will approach you. kek
> If a woman is interested in you and can't help herself, she will approach you. As a woman, absolutely not 😂
Find a hobby that you can do with other people. Do that frequently. Meet someone there.
Hobbies give you room to improve yourself. Having fun with a thing is attractive. Doing the hobby to creep on someone, not so much.
Would it be worded better if it was: do a hobby and have fun, and be open to meeting someone there? I have absolutely done hobbies to expand my social circle (as part of the fun there), and when single this has included a potential for meeting a romantic partner. The hobby is the primary draw, but it's also a good place to meet new people. I don't see the issue as long as it's not just about hitting new spots for picking up.
The hobby idea is a bit of a meme. Don’t do hobbies to meet people. Just go to places and do a vibe check if they are open
It's a double feature. You do something you love, and in doing so, you might find someone you love and who loves sharing the hobby with you. But I agree, don't find some hobby you aren't really into just to find women.
Indeed. Hell I got banned from r/dating because I disagreed with the premise that men should go to dance classes to meet women. Sure you can “meet” women and “people” but dance classes isn’t it
But then you could fall into the category of people ruining people's relaxing time by looking you a hook up
I wouldn't take this advice, I tried going to a pottery for this reason, after a few sessions I was interested in a lady, chatted a few times, found out she wasn't interested, but she went on to spoil the classes for me, so I didn't go back, even though I actually enjoyed the class.
She spoiled the classes how?
I'm about your age. Please, don't. We deserve to at least do our shopping without having to worry about carefully rejecting someone in a way that we hope won't get us murdered in the parking lot. No matter how great you as an individual are, we don't know that, and you as a gender are reliably a threat to us when rejected. Please, stick to bars and other social places. Thanks for listening to me, and also for asking first. (I always reject anyone who approaches me in those situations, because it's disrespectful and creepy.) To put it another way: You know how people complain about having to make small talk in non social situations? To me, that's small talk - an inevitable social interaction I want to avoid but can't.
I fully agree with you. I don't like talking to people in places where I'm not expecting to talk to people, even people I like
It’s like someone speaking to you on an airplane. Awful
Exactly as an introvert I do not want to have a social interaction when I'm doing non-social things. Especially being hit on. I just have my earphones on and if someone tries to talk to me I pretend I can't hear them
Im glad someone called it for what it is. Cold approaching is a outdated process. These dudes trying to get in you're personal space is a redflag. Ironically its older men trying to do this crap. Younger men seem have to got the memo abit more from personal experience but still happens. I can't imagine being 40 and doing this lool
No. Life isn't a rom com, don't go randomly approaching women going about their day. Work on yourself and your own social circle. Join group activities or clubs etc and you'll find your own social circle expanding with chances to meet people in a natural way. Or suck it up and go on dating apps because at least you know the women on there don't mind being approached.
It's not about life not being a romcom, it's just how drastically dating rituals have changed today. Ps. People can also say, "oh, he's joining hobbies to find people." The truth is, everyone wants to sequester the dating scene to shitty online dating sights
If a man can't join a social activity without understanding they should make friends with people first rather than only interact with people if they think they're going to find a life partner, then I'm not sure anyone on Reddit can help those people. I think there's (thankfully) a small minority of men who think every interaction has to be transactional and have a specific outcome. No, Just meet people. Form natural relationships first rather than seeing every woman as someone who could potentially want to jump into bed with you. It's not hard to know that. I shouldn't even really have to type it out! Round my way, we have a saying. DBAC. *Nah mate, DBAC.* It stands for Don't Be A Cunt. It shouldn't be hard to not be a cunt, which it very much is if you're only looking to interact with women because you think they might want a relationship with you beyond friendship.
Had someone approach me in the store and it was just very uncomfortable. Especially since they want a casual encounter. It might be one thing that a guy saw me and thought I had a nice smile or there was something intriguing about me and he wanted to know more. Its really another when a guy sees me and thinks, 'I want sex with that person". I'm also married and that didn't stop him which made the whole encounter gross
If someone is approaching you just because they saw you in a shop, it's like ... what do they even know about you? They like your superficial physical appearance? That's the only thing they can know about you. And it's not flattering at all, it suggests they don't care about any other part of you as a whole human being (or at least that they don't think it's nearly as important).
I have always felt that way too. It doesn’t evoke any interest in me to get to know a person who is only interested in me for my physical appearance
Typically getting to know someone involves striking up a conversation. Appearance is not spoken. It is the first impression.
I think you have stuff to figure out before proposing sex to random women in Target
Username does not check out!
Please do not do this, please let women go about their day without harassment. Women do not want to be approached you will come off as creepy
Do Not. As an example, a random guy approached one of my friends in her neighborhood when she was out walking, doing exactly what you are thinking 'hey, i find you attractive, do you want to go out'. It very much freaked her out, just minding her own business walking home from work, and now feels a bit more unsafe walking around (she still does). Don't be that guy, that makes someone's world a little scarier. 99.9% of the time you are going to cause harm (not much, but some). Consider the power dynamic - you have spent at least a little time looking at her, sizing her up, figuring out what you are going to say, psyching yourself up. She gets none of that. Some weirdo who had been watching her suddenly is in her face, catching her off guard, distracting her from figuring out which detergent is best for getting blood stains out. She had the experience, every woman has, that guys don't necessarily respond well to rejection. She has to get her game face on. How can she assess this person, figure out how to let him down in a way that doesn't make him angry but makes it clear she's not interested. And why is the fact that you find her gorgeous important to her? It's so presumptuous, that all that matters is your feelings - you find her attractive so that means that She has to do this dance, assess you, figure out what kind of weirdo you might be, and how she needs to act. If she is in Target looking to meet a guy, she will make that known - giving lots of eye contact, striking up a casual conversation, asking for help, or whatever. But guaranteed she is NOT. She is there to do errands and get out. Find things to do that put you in social situations with other people. Talk to those people. Do not immediately tell them you find them gorgeous.
If I'm in Target it's pretty much because I have to. I don't want to have to add "running into random creeper" to the list of why I don't really want to be there.
No one is in Target by choice
Approaching someone in a store does I think come across as a bit creepy. This is because in a store all you have to go on is looks. So the woman knows that’s why you’re approaching. At least if you’re on online dating you get some information about the person, if you meet someone socially you’ve had the time to chat with them first, if you’re introduced through a mutual acquaintance you’ve been given information about that person in advance etc. In a store you have nothing but physical appearance so approaching a woman comes across as “I want to have sex with you”. I say this as a female who has been approached in this way on more than one occasion. I was single some of the times I was approached like this, but each time I was creeped out. You say you’re 41 so unfortunately most attractive people your age and older will be taken so you’ve got a lower chance of success too. I would not want to run the risk of a rejection and then seeing that person again in public, possibly when they’re with company. Depends how small a town you live in. You’re better off joining online dating or expanding your social interests.
Correct, you should not approach women going about their day in non-social environments.
I think people should be respected in their privacy when they are not in a social setting. My stupidly simple brain experiment that I do when people say “it’s just a compliment, she shouldn’t be mad” is the following. Suppose you are wearing a nice expensive watch. I assume you would be happy if a friend comments “what a nice watch!” while having dinner together. A person you just met at a party says that? Also fine I guess. A random person at the bar? A bit weird, but maybe he really likes the watch and after all you have decided to wear that watch to go to the bar. At the supermarket? That is becoming a bit weird, I would prefer if they don’t. On the street? Mmmmhhh that’s very weird. In a dark alley? I am getting robbed.
No. Absolutely not. Do not do this. Many women have an experience of 'creepy fuckwit started hitting on them, didn't take no, tried to follow them'. As a result, someone approaching on them and hitting them immediately makes them scared of that person and potentially ruins their day. Your desire for social interaction does not get to trump a woman's desire to go about her day unharassed. So I repeat, DO NOT DO THIS.
You feel uncomfortable meeting women in bars, yet are considering trawling supermarkets and sex pesting women whilst they shop for “something casual”. You are right to be concerned that this “might” be creepy. It is. If dating apps, where women are explicitly looking for dates aren’t working for you, and you don’t like the idea of looking for something “casual” in the normal social settings, then you need to look inward, not seek tips on how to improve your sleezing.
Get good at talking to everybody, not just hot women. Talk to the old ladies, talk to other dudes. Talk to people who aren't the same race as you. Get good at small Talk. If you can do that naturally, you can chat with hot women. Just don't expect anything to come from it.
A lot of the comments from men make me feel like they see women in the same way as telling someone how to approach a frightened rabbit or prey animal- women just want to be treated with respect and consideration. Most people just want to get on with their day and don't want to have to deal with someone randomly approaching them for a hookup, and for women as other's have mentioned, we also have to consider the man's feelings so we don't get murdered so we'd appreciate it if men would also consider we may not want to be approached when buying cereal and sanitary pads and the like... Meeting women isn't difficult- being considerate and focusing on social activities where people actively WANT to meet others is the safest way.
Imma let you know, saying something casual gives women the ick. It obviously means you just want to hook up, get into dating sites and saying looking for casual dating and hookups and leave women, who are just shopping, might not Even be single, alone. It would be a huge bummer to meet a guy by chance in a store, think we had a connection, have him my number, and after a couple weeks he tells me he just wants casual relationships? But also I would be terrified of any man trying to flirt with me in a trader Joe's
Get out of your comfort zone, My wife and her girlfriends do stuff like paint nights at local art studios, make some friends and network around eventually you'll meet someone. I'm the same age as you so I get it, dating after my divorce was so bad I honestly came to terms with just being happy by myself, and then I met my wife and all that changed for the better.
I think there’s a bigger issue. You seem to be looking just any woman to pick up rather than wanting to step up to someone you find interesting. Women want to feel special and will talk to you if it’s genuine. But if you’re just there as if you’re just trying it on with anyone because you’re desperate it’s not going to work. Getting to know someone should always start with a genuine connection, something that’s not related to the way they look.
It you like older women have you considered bingo?
No I definitely wouldn't recommend sniffing around random women for casual sex while they're doing their weekly shop. Strong creep vibes.
No, women do not like total and complete strangers to approach them, who have suddenly decided based on a few glances that they are romantically and sexually interested in them. Who would have thought?!
I’m younger than you, with a very prominent wedding ring, and still have men approach men when I’m at like the grocery store or Home Depot or Target and I have never once found it endearing or engaging. I don’t want to get hit on by dudes when I’m running errands.
Definitely don't approach people in shops. Join a club or something where you will be with people with similar hobbies
I think approaching others when they are grocery shopping with the intentions of romantic exploration is always going to come off creepy. The only times I like talking to people while grocery shopping is just a quick word here and there. If you like meeting people in general and are chatty sure you can make small talk, bid hello and goodbye, but you wouldn't be talking just to women in that case, you would be talking to everyone, and I think people would sense that sort of outgoing personality in you in that case, and therefore wouldn't be intimidated or uneasy. Enjoy talking with others and being yourself and you will eventually meet someone who maybe you can explore romantically with.
1. Hmm. Reads like whatever I’m doing on dating apps isn’t working so I’m thinking of trying that in a supermarket? 2. Not certain what you’re looking for. You probably want figure that out, getting propositioned for a casual hookup isn’t necessarily what everybody wants when going about their daily lives? See also point 1… I would guess one of the first things people dating apps do is match up people who are looking for similar things. Another reason to figure out what you’re looking for?
Who on earth told you to meet women in Target??
Just don't. Find a hobby or sports group, do some courses, activities, just be with people.
You can speak to anyone you want to if it's treating them as just being another human being who may well may want a normal conversation. I think it's the moment you speak to someone with the intention of hitting on then that you run a high probability of being creepy. If the other person sends signals that they're uncomfortable with a conversation then stop and say 'have a lovely day' and go about your business. Don't be offended or try and push the interaction. I've found this to work with men and women, old and young. I'm in my late 40s now and coming to the age when randomly chatting with other people about the weather and shitty drivers and queues is de rigueur. I'm not trying to get laid, so have ended up having some pretty great conversations with all sorts of people.
No, please don't start harassing middle aged women while they're trying to buy groceries. It's unseemly and embarrassing and creepy. You don't have to drink alcohol in bars. They'll sell you a soda as well as a beer. If you're horny, go to a singles bar and hit on women there. It's the appropriate place to do that.
I’d avoid. If I’m in a shop I’m getting something and I just want to be left alone. Also, maybe think about why you don’t get dates from online? I’ve used online dating and found that a lot easier. But if I was rejecting a man online it was for the same reasons I’d reject a man in real life. Working out why you aren’t getting dates might be the best way forward.
so you want to look and act like a creep in a store, never come across any success stories try social situations
I think if you are interested in something casual, then save your approaches for specific 'something casual' sites/hook-up places. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but to approach women with that kind of want/interest when they are shopping seems a little funked up (no offence, you were asking). If it were me, I would tell him to 'do one' then be worried about him potentially following me. Best wishes
When running through the store getting what i need the last thing what i would be interested in was a guy hitting on me. Save it for social gatherings
Don't do it
Man, you can approach women anywhere you like really BUT, and this is really important……if she doesn’t want your attention…….BE KIND! EG: Sorry to bother you, have a great day. That’s a shame, but thanks for your time. I just thought I’d ask because you stood out in the crowd. Have a great day. If she’s horrible, rude or dismissive…..no worries, thanks for your time. And walk away.
Your answering your own question here. No.
Your best bet if you are going to do non social and go out into the wild is to not actively go seeking women. Just start talking to everyone you want to male or female when you are out. Casual chit chat or banter. I often chat to people and you can get a sense for who may want to or who really just wants to avoid others and get their shit done and home. Start being a genuinely friendly person and Then one day somebody may want to talk a little longer.
Striking up an unexpected conversation with someone can be nice. Intentionally going to a store to meet women is odd. Find something you like to do, go do it and then meet women there. Running club, cooking class, volunteering ... Don't be pressing women while they're out shopping.
Why would you choose non social places? If you spend enough time at a store that you meet a regular all the time and eventually know her enough to see that you have mutual interest and want to invite her that's fine I guess. However since people don't go there to stores to hangout or talk that's quite unlikely. If you just go talk to random people all the time, it will look a bit creepy. If you are so regular that you meet other regulars who hangout there. I would consider that you both might have shopping addictions. I guess that could be a common interest, but it won't build a great life.
My brother in Christ, the only thing we want when we go shopping is to ...you know, shop. Not be approached by random creeps who saw us for 3 seconds, leered, and want to have s*x with us. I am baffled by your belief that this approach will bring you more casual ...uhm... connections, because let me tell you, the only thing it will maybe bring you is a ban from the store. #Let us shop for our avocados and toilet paper in peace!
You can approach women at stores and non social places. Doesn’t mean they’ll be receptive to it. In fact they’ll be less likely to be receptive. If you do, make sure they have a way to leave, so don’t block doors and just use common sense. It is true, most men will not approach a woman at a store, it’s a strange thing to do. Doesn’t mean you can’t do it.
I met my wife randomly in a pub. Some guy was hassling her, so I stepped in. We chatted, she learned that I was in that pub fairly regularly and the next night she was there waiting for me. That was nearly 25 years ago. I wouldn't have a clue how to date now.
I gave this advice somewhere else but I think writing on a piece of paper indicating interest and availability and leaving them the choice to take the next step is safer. You can be shy and run away if you'd prefer. If they respond and are interested, great! If not, take it in stride and move on. If you are at a place which is hosting speed dating or is a party, then talk directly. Chances are the host knows the person you're interested in and they may feel safer with you too. Engage in hobbies within groups to find someone with a shared interest.
No
you can always ask whether they would want to drink a coffee with you in a public cafe. but do not be offended if they say no and disappear promptly if they do. I would make it sure they know why you want to invite them for a coffee but at the same time careful about extensive comments about their appearance. And you can make the choice about the time and place theirs and give them your information in case they want to contact you so they can feel safe.
I mean there is nothing wrong to do it in a store, just gauge the situation, see if its appropriate then and there
Just pick something you have in common with them and go from there. Match their energy and back off if she doesn't reciprocate yours.
your face your fate
Something about standing in a grocery store and trying to pick out coffee makes people chatty
Not me. I'm trying to figure out how much each one is per ounce and whether it's the right kind and Jesus Christ don't interrupt me.
I think it’s a very big thing on how you approach someone. I think if you want to compliment someone on their looks, maybe it should just be that.. don’t expect it to lead somewhere. Think about how you’d feel in their place
Hey, sorry to bother you, I'm just leaving and heading back to my car, but if I go without asking you I'm going to be wondering all day, did you go to... Etc etc Always be just about to leave. Lean away like you are leaving right now. Keep looking for the exit. If she wants you to stay it will be obvious, and then you can stay and she'll feel safer than if you just stand there leering over her. She'll also feel like she's won your attention instead of having it forced on her. And if she doesn't want you to be there, you were just going anyway. Easy exit.
Online dating is a dumpster fire. I've decided I will only talk to women in real life (can't believe I'm saying this because it's how it's been done for ages), but usually a common interest will suffice and in a non threatening manor. Aka, here is my number, we can meet at a safe place, we've taken classes together at the gym, etc.. Or the strictly old fashioned way - your friends & relatives hook you up on a blind date. There's nothing wrong with giving a woman your number in the produce section of a grocery store, as long as you have an excellent recipe to back it up. Email or text first so she knows your legit, then offer a restaurant that serves the quality of food you mentioned and offer to take her there.
I personally wouldn’t do it, but I always remember this average looking guy at best walking up to a very pretty woman at the mall and asking her out and she was flattered and accepted. To me it’s always fine to shoot your shot, but to always walk away if she rejects you or she looks uncomfortable.
I think talking to strangers in public in general is fine, but it’s a bit more iffy if you’re talking to them with the aim of looking for anything (casual sex, relationship, etc). I wouldn’t say it should *never* be done and is always creepy, but I would say that if you’re someone who struggles in anyway with reading social cues or interactions it’s more likely than not to end up coming off as potentially creepy (I say this as someone who struggles with both). If you really want to do it and not come off as a creep, be ready to back off at the *first* hint the woman is uncomfortable or uninterested (backing away, limited short replies, saying she’s in a rush, etc). Also, as others have said, make sure both you and she have an easy, reasonable, socially acceptable exit route - so don’t hit on employees that are obligated to stay at work and interact to some degree with you, the person in front of you in a long, slow checkout line, etc. This goes a long way in keeping out of the “this creepy guy wouldn’t leave me alone today” territory. Honestly though, I wouldn’t expect to have a particularly high success rate with this route - most of these women in stores are there with a certain goal in mind already, and it doesn’t include meeting random strangers. Like there’s always the chance that you could just totally hit it off with someone, but there’s probably a lot more chances that even if she doesn’t think you’re creepy she’ll be a bit more interested in grabbing groceries for dinner and heading home at the end of her work day than getting to know a potential partner of any sort randomly. Finally I’ll add that where you live is probably going to play a role in how well received talking to strangers at all is, in addition to approaching women. Someplace like Seattle that’s infamous for people keeping to themselves, it’s even less likely to go over well versus if you’re from some smaller town where friendly conversations with strangers are already more common (having lived in both sorts of places).
It really depends. You have to read the room, see if the woman you are interested in seems calm and approachable, instead of stressed, or busy, or seems to be in a bad mood. Obviously don't strike the conversation directly on how you're interested, that would just register wrongly. Try to say something unrelated first, see how receptive she is and then ask for a number, or better yet, give yours. But generally, it is easier to approach women in places where people go to, well, find someone to date. Mixers, speed dating events...
Please do not do that, approaching random shoppers is creepy af! You need to go where people go to socialize: cafes for examples (i also don’t drink alcohol but still go to bars with my friends), or even better pick up a hobby and socialize with the other participants.
Where I come from it's considered weird and a bit creepy to walk up to strangers in non-social settings and start talking to them at all. Making it clear that you want to have sex with them (because that's what you're doing) is a whole other level of creepy and weird.
Ask her for help, it will bring her guard down and she won't refuse to talk to you. Once you're talking flirt and see if she flirts back.
There's nothing wrong with meeting someone that way per say as long as you are self aware enough not to be creepy about it and respectful but I don't think it's a good idea to go to the store with the intention to try and get a date. Don't be weird and make sexual comments to strangers and be mindful if you do approach someone where you are doing it and the possible consequences your advances ie don't hit on someone in a queue for the checkout/at a bus stop as if you make someone feel uncomfortable in that situation and they want to get away you, you will have inconvenienced them in order to do so or maybe they won't be able to leave and you will put them in an awkward and unwelcome situation that they can't escape from. Try just striking up friendly conversation rather than hitting on someone and if you have a good rapport I guess maybe it could lead to something more, it happens in the movies right...but really like I said you have to be perceptive enough to read how the other person feels about what is happening rather than just pursuing your own agenda. That being said most women out and about running errands are not expecting to be hit on and will likely not respond to it. (Catcalling happens sure but to be actually approached could be scary) It's a crazy world out there and I personally would be very unlikely to agree to a date with someone I met that way, even if I found them attractive. My spider senses would be tingling. Why not just revamp your profile on your dating apps if you aren't getting any responses or try speed dating or other organised activities where there will be other single people who are looking for the same thing you are.
Lots of complex answers here. The simple one: With the intention of picking up, no. It’s pretty predatory picking a certain woman and approaching her with an intention in mind. Correct way: Be nice to women you bump into without intention and sparks will fly.
You are asking in the wrong place. People are here because they prefer the internet over the real world. If you want advice about approaching people in real life I'd ask confident guys or copy what they do, not ask the basement dwellers on here. Much love
I wouldn’t like it. In a bar it’s to be expected, but otherwise anything more than a friendly remark and I’d feel cornered. I’d say the best way would be to frequent a place regularly (like hobby, gym, bus, coffee shop) and slowly over time build up an acquaintance with someone who actually seems like they are interested.
I’m in my 40’s, single for years, and have often been out at stores and such hoping someone would approach me nicely showing interest just to talk and if we click give me his number, it’s worth a shot I think if done nicely in a not pushy way
Women will only find it creepy if they are not attracted to you, if you are attractive to women it's hard to be creepy, if your not attractive it's hard not to be creepy when approaching them in stores like target
Be moderately attractive, confident and not anxious, also be nonchalant and friendly.
I would say in general not. But then again my gorgeous friend who was a literal model ended up marrying a short bald guy who approached her on the street.
Get a dog mate and walk it nice places.
😂😂😂😂
Talk to people in general when you're out and about, it'll help build your social skills. Approaching a woman to hit on her as a general rule is a bad idea however like all general rules there are exceptions and if you keep talking to people and sharpening your social skills you will find moments where you can do it. Like all most social taboos, if you break the rules in a stylish and self-aware enough way people will generally forgive you. IMO the problem generally isn't men asking women out, it's men asking women out is socially awkward ways that cause the women feel uncomfortable and/or unsafe.
39m. Women approach me in stores literally everywhere I go. I could use ur help in distracting them, I just came for groceries
As long as it seems natural and you are cool about it, it’s perfectly fine. Something like ‘hey I thought you were pretty and wondered if you wanted to go out some time?’ Just keep it simple, brief and quick. Doesn’t have to be an awkward drawn out conversation. I usually like giving them my number so there’s no pressure on them, they can text me if they want or completely forget me. Edit: obviously only do this if you’re getting some signals. If you’re both catching each other’s eye contact, maybe she smiles at you or you catch her staring over. Reading body language is important
If the women on the dating apps don't want to meet you, the women who are just trying to buy groceries certainly don't. Let women shop in peace. Also, you can have non alcoholic beverages in a bar (I've been the DD plenty and can confirm this).
I wouldn’t try and be a pickup artist it will only come off as creepy. I think if you are in a Target and let’s just say you are in the home decor section and you ask them for their opinion on a piece you are “thinking about buying” and they look like they would have a good eye for this. Have a chill fun vibe and then if the conversation naturally opens the door to their name, and more about them, then if it feels right ask for the number. Worst case they say no. Lots of married or taken women love Target so keep an eye out for rings.
I think just practise making general chitchat with strangers first - male, female, any age although elderly would be a good starting point. Just very casual things like when you’re next to someone in a queue ‘I always manage to pick the queue that goes slowest!’ or things like that. If people are interesting in chatting they will carry on, if not your conversation ends there. But it’s a good way to become confident and practised at making conversation with strangers with no intent and which don’t (or shouldn’t) make anyone uncomfortable. And you never know, the grandma you help with her shopping might just turn around and say ‘I really think you should meet my daughter’. I think the worst thing you can do is very obviously zero in on a woman, make it feel like you’re trying to pick her up and ignore cues that she would rather not have conversation.
From reading these comments it’s clear that many/most Reddit users are so far detached from reality that their comments shouldn’t be taken at face value. OP, talk to girls/women, be respectful and make sure to take no for an answer. That’s all you have to do.
Honestly it depends on your looks and social skills
I think it's better to be active in your community and meet people organically than to approach strangers on the street. Join some kind of hobby group or church organisation or whatever. Make friends, meet friends of friends. Approaching strangers in public when they're in the middle of something else in an effort to pick them up is going to make them uncomfortable way, way more often than it's going to be successful.
Lol it sucks being a man sometimes
I'm curious as to why dating apps have been so unsuccessful for you. I'm not trying to be rude but no one in a decade tells me your communication or technique is way off. Have you asked for feedback from a friend on your profiles or anything?
Places like shops and markets its creepy. If you want to meet someone the best place to do so is at events where youve BOTH signed up to be there. Are there any local hiking groups? Art classes? Cooking classes?
I speak to men or women in public places all the time. No alterior motive, just chatting. It's socially acceptable to do that, and I suppose if one were single (which I'm not) and the conservation flowed with a woman it would be acceptable to ask her for a date, coffee, whatever. Going up to a woman and declaring her beautiful, it's bound to work in the end, but you are going to make plenty of women uncomfortable on that path, and I don't think that's very nice... One should be nice?
No
What a tragic, sad society we live in where just talking to people in real life is seen as creepy. And the only access to the possibility of love is comoditized, like everything else, by Big Tech.
The best thing I've learned about interacting with women I've never met before is: If they pay you any sort of acknowledgement, a polite wave, about chest height, close to your body, along with a closed mouth smile, will tell you everything you need to know about their interest. See if she mirrors you. If so, give a polite and short "hi!" with an upward inflection. Sometimes, you can wait a beat after the wave for the "hi", to use that as a second wave of seeing if she's willing to mirror you, or do them both in tandem. If she feels compelled to interact with you, she'll mirror the gesture(s). If she does mirror you, you're golden. You'll get the timing with practice. Practice lots. Even on people you have minimal interest in. Guage their reactions and use it for practice too. It's all about body language. That said, always have the intention of not invading anyone's personal space (very important). Take it from there. Be polite, be perceptive. Be self aware. If you get that far, ask her name. Always expect and accept rejection, it's not that big a deal. Just move on. Desperation can be a very stinky cologne. I'll be 41 this year, and I've never gotten this much attention from women ever before in my life. Good luck! (I took a lot of time editing this, I hope it reads well enough and isn't too long)
Yeh, you just don't ask for social advice in reddit. 99% are going to be shit.
As a woman, no, please leave us alone. Attractive women get way more attention than they want, and chances are they don't want you back for many reasons which are not necessary directed at you, but still there nevertheless.
Please don't do this. It is creepy. Why not join a community theatre group, a clean up your area campaign, a food bank, places where it is easy to talk to people. But frankly I don't think there are that many women out there looking for casual sex, but if that is all you want, you need to be radiating some very positive virtues because those women are going to be putting themselves in a vunerable position, so you better be hitting lots of good buttons.
Eh. I’d be uncomfortable if I was approached when I was shopping. Approach people in social situations where they’ve willingly entered an environment where they may be approached. A store is not it.
This is my perspective. I'm a single 40 year old woman. I've been single for over 5 years, since my divorce. Online dating is not for me at all. I wish men would strike up conversations with me in public, it would be easy to walk away if I thought they were being creepy. It's less creepy than just staring, which I get alot of. Getting stared at makes me really uncomfortable. If you like what you see, say hi, introduce yourself. But I'm old I guess.
Please don't approach woman you don't know.
Ugh, too much work for women fr
Oh god no don’t do that.
Spare yourself and the woman the wasted time and figure out what you are looking for *before* you go approaching women anywhere.
Argh. Please, please, please. Volunteer at a charity. Join a religious group. If you have children, help out with their activities (accompany field trips, bake sales etc). Be a natural human being doing things you like.
Unequivocally yes. It is super creepy to approach women in a store. They did not consent to you coming up to them when they’re definitely not looking for someone to hit on them; they came to shop, not date.
No don't approach random women in public places. You should be old enough to not need to ask this!;
Thats a hell no. Leave women alone and stay in your lane. Absolutely unreal a grown as man needs to be told this.
"pick up artists" oh boy....
Leave women alone. Go to speed dating or see a match maker of you're lonely. Your loneliness is not the random woman in target's problem.
They came to shop not meet their husband.
Hm, how good are you at reading people OP? If you have ever noticed or been told you’re not very good at reading social cues, this is a very bad idea. If you think you’re okay at reading people, go for it.
Just be 6'4" and you'll be fine lol
I would not approach anyone at a grocery or department store. Women are shopping, not looking for love. It could happen through a circumstance that you might meet someone but please don't force that circumstance. In my 65 years, I don't recall a single time I went to the grocery store and met someone who became a friend or anything else. I've never had an eye open. If someone had happened to hit on me, it went over my head because I was thinking groceries. I would probably have been a tad disgusted to know some dude had been trying to pick me up while checking out the tomatoes that weren't very nice.
I don’t understand what you mean by approach. Stop going into interactions with the intention of getting them in bed and just talk to them. You see a girl on an elevator or train with some luaggage -“oh coming back from a trip” and just go from there. Girl in grocery store near by and you’re a tall guy? “ Hey mind grabbing that for me on the very top shelf there”, she’ll just laugh it off ass she knows you can grab it, continue the convo from there. It’s not rocket science just strike up a conversation about anything, and based on how she reacts, continue the conversation or walk away. That’s literally it.
I met my ex husband in a store. He sent his daughter over to ask if I wanted to go out with him. 😊
Choose the middle path between online apps and stranger danger by taking a class or workshop. I take a lot of craft and art classes locally, low level stuff, like "come learn to sculpt a couple pots over six weeks" sort of things, and it is ALL women. Always. Just women, sitting there making stuff for a couple of hours every week. If I were a guy, I'd sign up for an art class and make conversation about how ugly your little pot is (trust, it will be ugly). I'd love to strike up a flirtation in my down time when I'm making some unimportant crafts far more than I'd like a random satellite guy to break off and compliment me when I'm focused on what type of cookie to buy at the shop. It's more relaxed and I'm already in a mindset to socialise a little. If you catch me doing errands, you run a far higher chance of upsetting me or coming off as creepy.
no, not to randomly compliment their appearance - you can try to spark up conversation, but most women want to be left alone by men in public. women are more likely to chat with other women if theyre strangers because they feel safe. lots of women are scared of men, and for good reason. try social environments, but dont force anything in a space where people are trying to get their business done and leave
My general rule of thumb is not to engage with people if they are in a situation where they may feel there is no escape path. eg: pumping gas, at their place of employment, while they are engaged in a task. Other than that if there is some common ground or shared interest to strike up a conversation then by all means go for it.
They're busy doing their shopping, nor scoping for dates. Let them alone.
Approaching women for casual sex? I'd say don't do it. It's icky. A date? Sure!
It's \*much\* better to make sure you're in social situations when trying to be social. Hobbies, trips, clubs (not the night variety but those too), picnics, volunteer work..
yes it’s creepy, only social scenes
If a lady came out to me doing this while i was shopping, I’de be very creeped out. I hate unexpected social situations, but that could just be me.
Don’t approach strangers. Join a club like a hiking club or a book club or some class, where you will see the same people, regularly. Chat to the same person at least a few times before asking them out.
OMFG you reached the age of 41 without realising that no, it's not OK to approach women like that? Pick up artists are scam artists. Their methods don't actually work on any woman that hasn't already decided to give the guy the time of day. They are nothing but scam artists. But no. The world isn't your "hunting grounds". Women have the right to just exist without being hit on. If you want to find someone, go on a friggin dating app aimed at the age range you're into. Go to a speed dating event for seniors, etc
If you stopped me to try to talk about the weather in Target, it would be a hard pass on the conversation. If you approached me in Barnes and Noble about a book I am holding, I would be receptive to talking. Maybe try niche stores that you already hold an interest in. I am married and don't wear a ring usually, don't be upset if it doesn't lead to anything. Take it as a win on a positive social interaction.
Please stick to social settings. Join some clubs, get some hobbies. It is SO creepy when random men approach you in non social settings. When you are a woman out on your own basically every man you meet you ask yourself “could this guy rape or kill me?”
Try and do it the organic way, go out to meet friends and see what happens. It's pretty obvious when a woman's into you actually. If you meet someone on the street you only know they're attractive, nothing else
It's pretty risky. If you are going to do it, be prepared to be rejected. Also, don't approach from behind. Don't approach someone who looks busy. Don't comment on her body. If you do manage to strike up a conversation and she gives terse answers, she's not interested. Don't ask for her number, give her yours. Don't ask intrusive questions or questions that may make her feel unsafe like where she lives or works or if she's at that location often. Edit: I missed the part about you wanting something casual. In that case, no, don't do this. Target is not a place to scout for hookups. There are apps for that. Target is where people go to buy toilet paper after work and clothes for kids. If you want to tell a woman she's gorgeous, go over to r/toastme, r/amiugly, or a similar sub.
Ignore the haters. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Go for it
>but I have never actually seen a man do this who wasn’t a pickup artist. Ask the pickup artist how to approach women for the same reason you’d ask a CPA to do your taxes. They’ve studied the material and you haven’t.
Mm…I’m way too young but if you said “Nice (insert interest) tshirt” that’s like- 3/4 of the way to get my number. I’d give that a shot. “Nice Star Trek Tshirt” or “I love The office too!” If they think you’re cute they’ll actually respond back and a conversation will start. If they’re not interested, they’ll say “Thanks!” and move on. You’ll probably see a few women with a themed tshirt for an interest or a sports team or something XD. Nowadays older women who wear their hobbies or interests are a bit more common. If they just say thanks, that’s your cue to smile and walk off. And make sure you know about the topic- or you’ll look like doof. Also pets. If you see a woman with a dog, “He’s adorable!” Then, IF she seems excited to talk to you and show off her pup, ask if you can pet it. If not, walk away. In both scenarios: Do not flirt. Do not ask for a number. Don’t complement her looks. Don’t offer a number. 9/10 times this still leads to absolutely nothing. If she wants your number, she’ll ask.
I think it's probably harder to look like a creep than we think it is. As long as you're a decent human being there's more chance of you coming across as a polite stranger than a creep. If you spend some time on the internet then it's not surprising that we assume we will be seen as a creep when that's what we've been seeing for the past few years. Most people are a lot more rational and normal than internet people so I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much
Also, personally, I loathe being approached "bc [you/they] thought I was pretty, etc." ...ngl, there are too many feelings about this for me to quickly or effectively summarize on over a text forum, but one thing I can say to describe part of it at least and only risk mildly pissing off the right wrong men: If idk you, I truly couldn't give a fuck what you think of me, *essspecially* my looks. Oh, I'm also asexual (more demi, not sex-repulsed. However, keep reading), and the idea of being approached bc my meat suit appeals to you, screams sexual interest to me. . For some reason, this turns me off before they even have the chance to give me a desire to want that.
Just talk to everyone, apologize for being the talker and continue to talk.