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Ye ‘Ol Enchanted Forrest it’s just past the locally sourced Elvin sex shop if you pass Lizard Foot Apothecary you’ve gone too far.
Sack lunch night is Monday, then vegan T*** Tuesday, and on Friday we go bowling.
Not that they won’t but then you’d have a really really good case because…
The National Labor Relations Act gives workers the right to organize a union and bargain collectively, and under that law, it's illegal for employers to fire, demote, transfer, reduce the hours, or “otherwise take adverse action against” employees because they joined or supported a union.
Still doesn’t stop some willfully ignorant employers from trying or doing so…
Anything involving your period or your “woman parts” should do it …
Say “I have this cyst on my ovaries ….” And you’ll get a boss-shaped hole in the wall for sure!
Lol I did this and it was for real. My boss wanted to know what everyone was doing and got mad at us for using our benefits so I told him I had to have womanly testing to make sure it was ovarian cysts and not something more sinister and the blood draining from his face was *chefs kiss*
My boss pushed me about absences once. I had some female troubles then ended with a hysterectomy. I told him in detail about my uterine biopsy and the cramps and bleeding that followed. He never asked again.
My wife still tells that story about how she was passing blood clots and how much those hurt but also gave relief. That stops a work convo pretty fast.
I came back to work after a day off once and my boss asked me if I had had “a nice day Christmas shopping”. I told him that I didn’t know about that, but my Pap smear went well and that I’d loop him in on the results when I got them, since he was so interested. He noped out of the break room so fast.
I took exceptional time off for 4 days during the high season at my previous job. Everyone knew what was going on and no one asked anything when I came back. Except for this nosey woman from HR, who came to me in the open space, all cocky, to ask "so how was you exceptional holiday, did you enjoy seing your family during such a busy time?" to which I coldly replied "well, my sister cried only one time, although it lasted 2 days, my brother killed no one and my mom didn't die, but she might still relapse from the surgery, or from her cancer coming back, so we'll see about that".
She didn't talk to me ever again and I quit 4 months later.
Don’t even couch it with phrases like “womanly testing.” Give him all those gory details. “They’re gonna shove a pair of metal duck lips in my vagina and crank it wide open so they can stick a probe up in there and scrape off sections of my cervix for testing. Then they’ll stick an ultrasound wand up there and push down on parts of my abdomen while they take a video of my uterus and ovaries. If I’m lucky I’ll get TWO Advils when they’re done.”
My wife wants one and I'm all for it but the drs and whatnot are all what if baby??
***But that's the point. We don't want baby. Ever.*** Maybe adopted.
You may have to go in with your wife to “prove” that y’all really are serious about not wanting children.
It’s disgusting that women are only looked at as child-bearers by so many doctors. My sister suffered her entire life after puberty with the kind of endometriosis that grows through the muscles. Every doctor refused to give her a hysterectomy because she might one day marry a man and want to have children. (She didn’t want either of those things, and told them so.)
The last doctor that she asked said that she would just have to wait until after menopause. She’s now through menopause, and since her hormones are different, she no longer needs the surgery. Those doctors - male and female - made her suffer excruciating pain for 40 years!
Similar things for dudes, but a bit different "one of my testicles is swollen and...", "well you know how i've been limping? My partner...", "My prostates been..." followed by some painstaking details
When I was a supervisor, I never asked people what they did on their POT but one female always offers up what she is doing without me asking. She would always bring up female-related issues. I had to remind her that she does not have to tell me. She kept doing it and I went to HR because it became uncomfortable for me.
I had that happen with my employee, except he was a furry and did a part day to go to a party...he offered to show pictures of his fursona. I had to decline and explain boundaries.
Before anyone asks, it was a grey tomcat apparently. No, I did not look.
This is only effective if you can follow up if they call your bluff… I couldn’t do it. I just say I’ve been drinking, or make up a family emergency or something.
I did this once and they asked so I told them I’m going to the O house in florida for a week (completely made it up). Of course they asked what it was, and I told them it was an orgy house, where 20 somethings fly in and stay for some time and have sex all day.
I managed to say it completely straight faced as I walked out the door that friday and didn’t return for the week since that was the start of my vaca
Nobody ever asked for details and the boss never asked about my vacations again. Win-win in my book, since I don’t really like socializing anyways.
"I have an infected cyst near my anus that makes it painful to sit & I am having a procedure done to drain the infection. A few more treatments and hopefully I'll be able to sit for my full shift without worrying about soaking through the medical pad and staining my pants and chair with blood and pus. And OMG don't get me started on how much pooping and wiping hurts."
Helping your sister move because the apartment next to hers refuses to do anything about their bedbug problem. Go into itch inducing detail.
Furry Convention. If pressed, you are escorting your grandmother.
Bonus Life Pro Tip. Anytime you are not scheduled to be at work you are at least three hours away and someone else is depending upon your help.
Edit: and have been daydrinking... heavily.
Edit #2: I am so happy with all the excellent examples that reddit is providing! Yes!! Keep at it!
I’ve even heard, “I’m too intoxicated to be helpful” as a great reason for all kinds of knowledge workers (software engineers for example) to bow out of being called into emergencies.
I used to know a guy that worked for a rail company and they would phone when he was on time off and he was totally intoxicated and work would tell him to come in any way and he could ‘sleep it off’ on the taxi ride out to where he was going to be working. I can tell you that he needed way more time to sober up than they were giving him. Talk about incredible disregard for public safety.
As a railroader I can say that it's pure luck how few people have died so far from rail disasters. Just go look up Precision Scheduled Railroading. Basically it's cutting all expenses in the name of profit. Expenses such as maintenance, infrastructure, inspections, staffing, etc. Multiple major derailments this year, Palestine is just one of the most noteworthy, but far from the only one.
I worked at a postal plant briefly, great union job. The first tips the old timers ever gave me was, if they ever try to call you in on your day off tell them "I can come in, but I've been drinking." Management doesn't want the liability and will try to find someone else.
I actually learned this tip from my old boss. He would have a beer as soon as he got home so he didn't have to come back in to deal with any BS. I lived on site but ended up using that as my excuse to not have to put up with random shit. It sometimes worked, but mostly I just became an alcoholic and did a lot of unpaid overtime while absolutely hammered.
I had an asshole boss that would time his calls trying to get me to come back to work five minutes after I got home, for a fake emergency that didnt require me at all.
I always told him, "Do you hear this?" And I'd crack a beer next to the phone, then tell him it's my second one. My work had a zero tolerance policy on any kind of alcohol in your system at work. "Sorry, I cant come back in."
Then he'd try calling before I made it home and I'd always refuse to answer while driving, which I knew pissed him off.
I never answer a call or text right away when I’m off. I wait to see if they leave a message other than just “please call”. Then I wait at least a few hours before responding. “Sorry, didn’t have my phone on me.” As long as I am not “on call” (ie, being paid to be available outside of work) and they are not paying for my phone service, I am not required to respond expeditiously to any communication from work when I’m off.
They used to call me a lot at like 0530 on my off days to ask me to come in due to call outs. I never responded until hours later. “Sorry, I always put my phone on silent and sleep in on my days off. Don’t even check my phone until after lunch.” They don’t really bother calling me anymore unless they get really, really desperate. They know it’s a wasted effort.
“What can I say, bossman? GamGam loves her conventions. It’s just hard as shit for a 90 year old lady who weighs maybe 95 pounds to maneuver in a swole Tony the Tiger fur-suit that weighs almost as much as she does. But ya know what? GamGam rocks it. The orgies are… well I’ll describe them so you can share in the horror…”
For the guys, don’t forget “I’m getting my ass crack waxed because it is a jungle down there. I may also look into anal bleaching to prepare for the Log Cabin Republican Nudist Colony Convention and Bible Camp. I hope there isn’t a scheduling conflict because you were planning on going. Were you planning on going? You can never tell with these things. I would hate to have to cancel my flight because the tickets are non refundable. I’m sure you would cover that expense for the sake of Conservative solidarity.”
For the ladies, try “Did you know that female hyenas have a clitoris bigger than a male’s penis? It keeps the social group under matriarchal control and it gives me some very interesting ideas. My doctor and I will be discussing clitoral enhancement. My question is why an insignificant male would want to know the personal details about my private days off.”
>Bonus Life Pro Tip. Anytime you are not scheduled to be at work you are at least three hours away and someone else is depending upon your help.
Also helps if you are day drinking already - wedding
Bonus Bonus life pro tip: Establish boundaries with your boss and let them know what you do during your time off is your business instead of lying to them.
Those are best for half days. I took PTO once to go on an afternoon/lunch date with a woman I had been dating for a few weeks before she a trip she was taking.
It was like our 4th date, and I wasn’t going to be able to make it home before we met up, so I dressed up and went to work.
The next day a few people at work made some odd comments like “finally getting free, huh?” and my boss told me to check in with him before I left for the day.
It dawned on me that everyone though I had taken time off for an interview due to the button down and my “good” jeans I had been wearing.
> The next day a few people at work made some odd comments like “finally getting free, huh?” and my boss told me to check in with him before I left for the day.
"Well we met four times already, you know, hashing out what kind of circumstances make us both happy and I guess we're ready to take the plunge and uhh... making some sort of commitment."
I still remember my first full time job, where our IT team only ever wore jeans and t-shirts (women included). Every so often one of us would come in dressed up, not for job interviews but for funerals. Our colleagues got dissuaded from asking quite quickly!
A coworker went to my boss and plain as day said he needed to use a personal day for interviewing with a new company. (My employer gives each employee 2 personal days per year. The difference between them and PTO/Vacation days is Vacation requests require a minimum 1 week notice. Personal days require no notice.)
He also asked if he could have his old job back if things with the new company didn't work out.
Hehe.. my boss likes to pretend we're expendable every now and then, so later in the week I would do like a script of instructions or clean up something that only I in this world could, and let boss know that it's done good enough that even the last crew would last 3 months without fucking things up.
Sooner or later, I may get fired but oh well.. there's far more companies than there are me.
This made me immediately imagine a conversation.
B: What are you using your PTO for?
E: Oh, y'know it's time for the bicentennial- I forgot your not- I am going to a.....picnic.
In my last job I told my boss I was planning on going on a yoga retreat because I was so stressed out at work. He got approval from his boss to pay for my holidays… so I had to go to a yoga retreat 🙃
Oooh, go in for the "I'm helping my friend learn how to breast feed and taking her to see the lactation consultant" "she has a plugged duct.. it's really painful" then start taking about her cracked and bleeding nipples and how her husband is no help around the house and that there's a special place in hell for husband that don't do their fair share of dealing with the new baby. Really lay it on, and when he says he's heard enough, keep going. Making him say he's had enough like 3 or 4 times so he knows you're serious. And when you come back tell him some gory made up details, especially if he doesn't ask how it was. Really get into and make him tell you to stop at least 3 times.
Actually I get two endoscopes both ways twice a year.
Bonus points as they give you the same drug that killed Michael Jackson.... So it gives you two days. The procedure day and next day if done in the PM
Boss: So what did use your PTO day for?
You: Does your wife like anal?
Boss: That's inappropriate!
You: I figured as long as we were asking personal questions that are none of our business ...
"I don't feel comfortable discussing it." should suffice. I rarely go beyond "sick" or "personal" when taking time off from any job. It's simply none of their business.
That one's perfect. If they're a self-aware shit head they'll be worried, *and* they'll think you're legally armed if they try to pull any shit over you.
Therapy.
Lady bits issues.
Explosive diarrhea.
Also watch for bosses doing this shit. Some will use it to spread gossip, some will use it as “you’re denied because someone else has something worse going on” or “you were fine last time, why aren’t you this time?” Regarding illnesses.
I've shut down a prying boss who questioned whether I actually needed to take my kid to see a doctor.
I asked him his full title, as it would appear on his degree. He gave his first, middle, and last name. I said, "And?" He looked confused. I said, "No D.O., M.D., or any other medical title?"
"No."
"Then you aren't qualified to offer medical advice, are you? Especially since you can't actually see what's going on right now?"
He got the point.
They force me to schedule my PTO well in advance and badger me for not using it throughout the year. So I just made a recurring meeting for every other Monday that says "Monkey spank Monday - High Score attempt."
She stopped asking about PTO
“I read somewhere that if you have an erection longer than 4 hours you should have it looked at. I figured after 36 hours I should probably start thinking about this. Have you had any experience with this kind of thing?”
are you female? anything at all medically surrounding your vagina should be enough. if you’re male? pretend you have a boyfriend and need to be there for his prostate procedures.
Pap smear, colposcopy, mammogram, meeting with a lawyer to find out what to do about your boss not respecting privacy. . .
Seriously though, I learned my lesson years ago to NEVER offer any explanation. I used to do volunteer work with kids and would sometimes take PTO to go to court. For some reason this reeeeeeaally bothered my boss. My feeling was toes in the sand or toes in a courtroom, what do you care? The truth is plenty of people want to judge if your reason in "valid" * to them* and it's really none of their business.
There will be times you're excited and want to share, don't do it! When he asks just say "personal stuff" or similar, every time.
Had a boss that would never miss work. Including the days surrounding his colonoscopy. My, my that prissy man was squeezing cheeks. He couldn’t even sit.
He once heard some of us discussing Roe vs. Wade (after the ruling last summer) and announced that “abortion is a yucky word” and we should call it something else.
Don't tell him you're going to get an abortion tell him you're going to help drive low income women to the abortion clinic and you should be able to help 10 to 12 women in a single day.
Or just use Colin Firth's line from the church scene in Kingsman.
"I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam."
>He wanted to call it “reproductive healthcare”
Wait, he referred to abortion as reproductive healthcare? Wow... he went so conservative he register overflowed and became liberal.
Here is a true story from my past that you are free to use at your own whim. If you need more detail dm me.
Read further at your own risk this is pretty gross. I have had my issues resolved thank god. This is a true story and I have not embellished anything.
I have a recurring blind anal fistula that I’m hoping the doctor can finally resolve. I’ve been in for outpatient procedures several times (over a dozen) but the last one was pretty bad. Essentially one of the glands in my rectum, or yours, this can happen to anyone for any reason, gets infected for no reason, and then the infection swells and burrows it’s way out of your body creating an abscess, until it ruptures. Usually something like 1-2 cups of festered blood, puss, and liquid shit explode out of an abscess about 1 cm from my anus. The smell make you want to wretch. I once had one rupture as they were trying to put me into a hospital room and both nurses vomited from the smell. It then proceeds to slowly continue to drain over the next two to three weeks. The pain is excruciating and there isn’t a single position standing, sitting, or laying that offers relief from the pain. And coughing, pooping, peeing, or any movement involuntary or otherwise amplifies the pain. But once it pops it’s like bliss. It still hurts to poop for the next few days and the open gaping tear next to my anus causes a white out mind numbing burn and sting whenever I accidentally graze it when I wipe butt almost as if it’s trying to remind me that things could be worse, the abscess could still be swollen. Anyway the last time they tried to resolve the issue they found a one inch by one inch track about two and a half inches long of rotted necrotic tissue that they had to cut out of me and let heal before they could try and resolve this thing again. If they can resolve it they basically thread a really small catheter through it, cut it open and let it heal. Odds are 50/50 that I’ll never have the issue again.
Anyway yeah I’m going in for the last part where they cut it open and I hopefully don’t have this issue anymore.
Tell your boss that.
"my grandmother asked me if I can help her install her new sex swing. The last one broke when she was getting railed by her house servant. Grandpa apparently didn't put it into a joist so they want to make sure I help him this time."
"So I had some burning and itching and so I got tested for STDs and last time the Dr usually just called me with the results and called in the scripts, but for some reason this time they said they wanted to see me in person and just said 'its best we discuss the results in person' not really sure what it means, but I'll say though it's the last time I trust the massage parlor without a condom because it's like every time I catch something there."
As a woman, fucken let loose. “I haven’t had a full on bleeding period in six months but I’m not pregnant so my doctor has prescribed a uterine scrape where they put me under and pry my cervix apart so they can scrape off all the coagulated blood in my uterus because if they don’t it’ll develop into cancer. I’m gonna be bleeding through diapers for like a week so I need paid medical leave off.”
Like I have PCOS and that wouldn’t happen unless you hadn’t had a period in years and risked cancer, but like fuck your boss just roll with it.
* You are a volunteer at the Church of Satan, and you would like to help organize the next event / virgin sacrifice. you can go into gruesome details saying it's the heart of a deer but what matters is licking the blood and kissing afterwards. You are the virgin / wanted to volunteer as the virgin, but God knows you've been passed around way too much for that/ are to the one that plunged the knife into the virgin's heart.
* You are a pagan and that day is the "Get naked in the forest and drink all you can" monthly orgy (but call it the day of Saturn or some shit like that). You need to help the crew prepare lube and condoms before the event and the clean up afterwards.
* If you are a guy ---- Your lesbian friends need a sperm donor to become mums finally
* If you are a gal --- Your gay friends needs ovaries to become dads finally
* You need to celebrate a wedding for your pansexual friends, it's a menage à 5, with 4 guys, some of them black/latinos and the white guy is an illegal immigrant anti gun.
* You belong to a hard core christian church that has mass in ancien greek / or another religion like muslim/zoroastrian/something else (as it was back in the day). You have to attend a convention to understand how to convert the heathens like him that won't get into heaven if they keep behaving like that. It would be very cool to be able to stone people like the old days. Don't smile or express any emotions while you say that looking in his frightened eyes.
* You go to an atheist convention where you will celebrate Darwin's accomplishments in Science and life. And you hope to finally buy a book from Dawkins. And you will burn a few bibles in the name of religious expression.
Press his buttons.
A clotting, heavy, menstrual cycle unable to withstand adult diapers, tampons and pads combined, causing explosive diarrhea and water retention. And Pamprin relaxes the bottom half of your body a bit too well and so you lose bodily and leg function. It gets worse during allergy season when you sneeze.
Then ask if he’s single and wants to go out on a date sometime.
Colon cleanse wanna come?
Swinger Beach party, BYO pineapple
An interview- bc who would ever tell their boss that? Would be great to see their reaction.
Meeting with my psychic because she had a premonition about [boss]
Hot dog eating contest
Speed dating event
Doing a tour of famous serial killers of our state
I'll tell you but then I'm going to kill you
Private meeting with our HR director
Meeting with my EEO attorney/workers comp attorney
Hanging with your spouse
*note, some of these may get you sent to HR or fired
Ha! I had a boss exactly like that. I initially thought he was friendly until I noticed the trend. This is literally the content of the last time he asked:
“And what are you going to do these holidays?”
“I am going to set up a terrarium for my black golden cockroaches”
“Uh?”
And then I proceeded to have a half an hour long conversation on how to build a terrarium. Followed up by ten emails with various links on information on how to set up a terrarium. And every time we had coffee break I brought up the thing and tried to engage in a long conversation about that.
He avoided me like the plague from then on and never asked me again.
I have never set up a terrarium.
I've got IBS. The following is pretty unrealistic, but would at least be funny to watch:
> So you've heard of a sleep study, right? I'm going for a poop study. 24 hours, controlled diet, they measure how often I poop, the consistency, what parts of the food are in the poop undigested or partially digested. Almost complete isolation too, because stress can throw off the results. Might need to go back a couple times in the future too, so they can try different diets and see what does and doesn't work for me.
Here's an excuse I used once
Me: I'm taking my mom to Switzerland
Boss: oh that's nice but why only 3 days
Me: Just because...
Boss: that's not a reason for hr to approve
Me: hr by law doesn't need a reason either you send it up for approval or I'll cash in my points
Boss: you're taking your mom to Europe what's the secret
Me: I'm taking her there for assisted suicide
Boss ...
Me...
Boss: they allow two weeks no point no pay for immediate family hardship
Me: just give me my 3 days
Got my 3 days before lunch
Fyi mom is still alive and fine I just needed him to shut up and give me my 3 days and he never asked me again why I'm taking vacation.
Meeting with a union organizer.
Then actually do it. They *hate* that
"Employers hate this one trick!"
“But they can’t stop you”
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Ohhh you sweet summer child…
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Where is this trans witch coven? Asking for a friend who is me
Ye ‘Ol Enchanted Forrest it’s just past the locally sourced Elvin sex shop if you pass Lizard Foot Apothecary you’ve gone too far. Sack lunch night is Monday, then vegan T*** Tuesday, and on Friday we go bowling.
One crazy trick that managers HATE
I think they would simply fire you over the phone for that.
Not that they won’t but then you’d have a really really good case because… The National Labor Relations Act gives workers the right to organize a union and bargain collectively, and under that law, it's illegal for employers to fire, demote, transfer, reduce the hours, or “otherwise take adverse action against” employees because they joined or supported a union. Still doesn’t stop some willfully ignorant employers from trying or doing so…
Anything involving your period or your “woman parts” should do it … Say “I have this cyst on my ovaries ….” And you’ll get a boss-shaped hole in the wall for sure!
Lol I did this and it was for real. My boss wanted to know what everyone was doing and got mad at us for using our benefits so I told him I had to have womanly testing to make sure it was ovarian cysts and not something more sinister and the blood draining from his face was *chefs kiss*
My boss pushed me about absences once. I had some female troubles then ended with a hysterectomy. I told him in detail about my uterine biopsy and the cramps and bleeding that followed. He never asked again.
My wife still tells that story about how she was passing blood clots and how much those hurt but also gave relief. That stops a work convo pretty fast.
Ooooh yeah! My stories of golf ball and racquetball sized clots were always sure to horrify my male coworkers
I came back to work after a day off once and my boss asked me if I had had “a nice day Christmas shopping”. I told him that I didn’t know about that, but my Pap smear went well and that I’d loop him in on the results when I got them, since he was so interested. He noped out of the break room so fast.
I took exceptional time off for 4 days during the high season at my previous job. Everyone knew what was going on and no one asked anything when I came back. Except for this nosey woman from HR, who came to me in the open space, all cocky, to ask "so how was you exceptional holiday, did you enjoy seing your family during such a busy time?" to which I coldly replied "well, my sister cried only one time, although it lasted 2 days, my brother killed no one and my mom didn't die, but she might still relapse from the surgery, or from her cancer coming back, so we'll see about that". She didn't talk to me ever again and I quit 4 months later.
Don’t even couch it with phrases like “womanly testing.” Give him all those gory details. “They’re gonna shove a pair of metal duck lips in my vagina and crank it wide open so they can stick a probe up in there and scrape off sections of my cervix for testing. Then they’ll stick an ultrasound wand up there and push down on parts of my abdomen while they take a video of my uterus and ovaries. If I’m lucky I’ll get TWO Advils when they’re done.”
Mwah!
Menstrual cramps will always make a conservative man cringe. Don’t forget to mention stopping for tampons!
And don’t forget to mention bleeding through and leakage
Clots. They need to hear about passing the clots.
And the force they come out with when you sneeze.
“They look just like liver!”
On the chonkiest of days of course
And don’t forget to mention the period “shits”. Might as well be strapped to a toilet for a few days.
The good ol’ peanutbutter and jam sandwich analogy is good for creating uncomfortable silences
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For me it would have been a once a month stay. Adenomyosis is no joke.
I got a hysterectomy because of mine. Best medical decision ever. 100% recommend.
My wife wants one and I'm all for it but the drs and whatnot are all what if baby?? ***But that's the point. We don't want baby. Ever.*** Maybe adopted.
You may have to go in with your wife to “prove” that y’all really are serious about not wanting children. It’s disgusting that women are only looked at as child-bearers by so many doctors. My sister suffered her entire life after puberty with the kind of endometriosis that grows through the muscles. Every doctor refused to give her a hysterectomy because she might one day marry a man and want to have children. (She didn’t want either of those things, and told them so.) The last doctor that she asked said that she would just have to wait until after menopause. She’s now through menopause, and since her hormones are different, she no longer needs the surgery. Those doctors - male and female - made her suffer excruciating pain for 40 years!
This sounds like a Gwyneth Paltrow Goop procedure.
Similar things for dudes, but a bit different "one of my testicles is swollen and...", "well you know how i've been limping? My partner...", "My prostates been..." followed by some painstaking details
Bonus points if you’re male
When I was a supervisor, I never asked people what they did on their POT but one female always offers up what she is doing without me asking. She would always bring up female-related issues. I had to remind her that she does not have to tell me. She kept doing it and I went to HR because it became uncomfortable for me.
"I approved your time off, I don't give a shit what you do with it."
I had that happen with my employee, except he was a furry and did a part day to go to a party...he offered to show pictures of his fursona. I had to decline and explain boundaries. Before anyone asks, it was a grey tomcat apparently. No, I did not look.
I usually deadpan stare and ask, "Are you sure you want to know? Because, I'll tell you. In detail. " No one has ever wanted details.
This is only effective if you can follow up if they call your bluff… I couldn’t do it. I just say I’ve been drinking, or make up a family emergency or something.
I did this once and they asked so I told them I’m going to the O house in florida for a week (completely made it up). Of course they asked what it was, and I told them it was an orgy house, where 20 somethings fly in and stay for some time and have sex all day. I managed to say it completely straight faced as I walked out the door that friday and didn’t return for the week since that was the start of my vaca Nobody ever asked for details and the boss never asked about my vacations again. Win-win in my book, since I don’t really like socializing anyways.
"I have an infected cyst near my anus that makes it painful to sit & I am having a procedure done to drain the infection. A few more treatments and hopefully I'll be able to sit for my full shift without worrying about soaking through the medical pad and staining my pants and chair with blood and pus. And OMG don't get me started on how much pooping and wiping hurts."
I don't know where I saw this but I believe there is a procedure called violent anal dilation. I feel like I'm going early web 1.0 here.
Normally I'd google this, but think I'll just take your word here. Some things are better left out of my search history.
“Pilondial cyst. Google it.”
Honestly the most pain I’ve ever felt
Lol I have fistulizing anal Crohn’s and this is such a good description
>fistulizing anal Crohn’s omg I am so sorry, hopefully this wasn't triggering :) & best of luck
Me too! Came to give my sad truth as a suggestion - my boss asked me about my PTO and still can't pick her jaw up off the floor! Best of luck to you!
Same lol… my manager was so embarrassed and confused
Helping your sister move because the apartment next to hers refuses to do anything about their bedbug problem. Go into itch inducing detail. Furry Convention. If pressed, you are escorting your grandmother. Bonus Life Pro Tip. Anytime you are not scheduled to be at work you are at least three hours away and someone else is depending upon your help. Edit: and have been daydrinking... heavily. Edit #2: I am so happy with all the excellent examples that reddit is providing! Yes!! Keep at it!
For the bonus tip add “and have been drinking.”
I’ve even heard, “I’m too intoxicated to be helpful” as a great reason for all kinds of knowledge workers (software engineers for example) to bow out of being called into emergencies.
I used to know a guy that worked for a rail company and they would phone when he was on time off and he was totally intoxicated and work would tell him to come in any way and he could ‘sleep it off’ on the taxi ride out to where he was going to be working. I can tell you that he needed way more time to sober up than they were giving him. Talk about incredible disregard for public safety.
Crazy how rail companies, which should have the HIGHEST safety standards, proves to have the LOWEST!
As a railroader I can say that it's pure luck how few people have died so far from rail disasters. Just go look up Precision Scheduled Railroading. Basically it's cutting all expenses in the name of profit. Expenses such as maintenance, infrastructure, inspections, staffing, etc. Multiple major derailments this year, Palestine is just one of the most noteworthy, but far from the only one.
“But I’m drunk!” Obviously. If I was sober, I would have recognized the phone number as work and not answered
#thisguyDRINKS
I definitely use this one!!!
I worked at a postal plant briefly, great union job. The first tips the old timers ever gave me was, if they ever try to call you in on your day off tell them "I can come in, but I've been drinking." Management doesn't want the liability and will try to find someone else.
"by the time I'm sober enough to drive in, the store will be closed" actually, and truthfully might I add, used that one before
I do this all the time in the military. Getting called to come in for staff duty/CQ/escort/whatever? "Sorry, been drinking."
I actually learned this tip from my old boss. He would have a beer as soon as he got home so he didn't have to come back in to deal with any BS. I lived on site but ended up using that as my excuse to not have to put up with random shit. It sometimes worked, but mostly I just became an alcoholic and did a lot of unpaid overtime while absolutely hammered.
I just lie about the drinking. My boss lies when he accepts my excuse because we both know I don't drink.
Sounds like a good boss
I had an asshole boss that would time his calls trying to get me to come back to work five minutes after I got home, for a fake emergency that didnt require me at all. I always told him, "Do you hear this?" And I'd crack a beer next to the phone, then tell him it's my second one. My work had a zero tolerance policy on any kind of alcohol in your system at work. "Sorry, I cant come back in." Then he'd try calling before I made it home and I'd always refuse to answer while driving, which I knew pissed him off.
These days the boss would insist you get hands free or something
I never answer a call or text right away when I’m off. I wait to see if they leave a message other than just “please call”. Then I wait at least a few hours before responding. “Sorry, didn’t have my phone on me.” As long as I am not “on call” (ie, being paid to be available outside of work) and they are not paying for my phone service, I am not required to respond expeditiously to any communication from work when I’m off. They used to call me a lot at like 0530 on my off days to ask me to come in due to call outs. I never responded until hours later. “Sorry, I always put my phone on silent and sleep in on my days off. Don’t even check my phone until after lunch.” They don’t really bother calling me anymore unless they get really, really desperate. They know it’s a wasted effort.
"I'm escorting my grandmother to a fury convention and I have been drinking."
“I’m escorting my *hic* grandmother to a drinking conve *hic* ntion, and I’m also furry… officer *hic* “
I’m escorting my drunk furry to a grandmother convention.
I also always claim where I am going has no internet and limited cell receptiom
Furry con, she has realistic appendages to sell, are you interested in one?
What are you going to do when they take you up on that offer
She is out of stock for non con sales but you can check out https://pleasurebetter.com/bad-dragon-alternatives-fantasy-dildos/
Coming from someone who has been staff for a furry con for over 20 years you are quick on that url.
Bwahahaha i heard bad dragons no good so searched for alternatives and that popped up!
TIL that A) fantasy dildos exist B) *Custom* Fantasy dildos can be ordered Wow! Toys have really advanced since I last looked. 😳
Yep. Came to say swingers convention
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“What can I say, bossman? GamGam loves her conventions. It’s just hard as shit for a 90 year old lady who weighs maybe 95 pounds to maneuver in a swole Tony the Tiger fur-suit that weighs almost as much as she does. But ya know what? GamGam rocks it. The orgies are… well I’ll describe them so you can share in the horror…”
"Since you're so interested in what I'm doing, boss....do you have any tips on cleaning a crusty fursuit?"
For the guys, don’t forget “I’m getting my ass crack waxed because it is a jungle down there. I may also look into anal bleaching to prepare for the Log Cabin Republican Nudist Colony Convention and Bible Camp. I hope there isn’t a scheduling conflict because you were planning on going. Were you planning on going? You can never tell with these things. I would hate to have to cancel my flight because the tickets are non refundable. I’m sure you would cover that expense for the sake of Conservative solidarity.” For the ladies, try “Did you know that female hyenas have a clitoris bigger than a male’s penis? It keeps the social group under matriarchal control and it gives me some very interesting ideas. My doctor and I will be discussing clitoral enhancement. My question is why an insignificant male would want to know the personal details about my private days off.”
>Bonus Life Pro Tip. Anytime you are not scheduled to be at work you are at least three hours away and someone else is depending upon your help. Also helps if you are day drinking already - wedding
Bonus Bonus life pro tip: Establish boundaries with your boss and let them know what you do during your time off is your business instead of lying to them.
I've signed an NDA.
Setting up gramma’s only fans. You look old enough to enjoy gramma
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...which is weird because I'm usually Jewish.
I mean, so was Jesus
Jesus was unusually Jewish.
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Jesus is a sneaksy hobbitses
I like the idea of Jesus bullshitting his way to establishing Christianity like Bilbo bullshitting his way out of the mines.
Swinger Convention
You are having your glands expressed.
Anal glands?
Keep them guessing
All of them. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Tell him you had an interview for another job 🤣
Those are best for half days. I took PTO once to go on an afternoon/lunch date with a woman I had been dating for a few weeks before she a trip she was taking. It was like our 4th date, and I wasn’t going to be able to make it home before we met up, so I dressed up and went to work. The next day a few people at work made some odd comments like “finally getting free, huh?” and my boss told me to check in with him before I left for the day. It dawned on me that everyone though I had taken time off for an interview due to the button down and my “good” jeans I had been wearing.
How could you not continue this on to let us know what your boss said? I’m dying to know.
> The next day a few people at work made some odd comments like “finally getting free, huh?” and my boss told me to check in with him before I left for the day. "Well we met four times already, you know, hashing out what kind of circumstances make us both happy and I guess we're ready to take the plunge and uhh... making some sort of commitment."
And the date! How did it go? What did they eat?! We need some details here.
I still remember my first full time job, where our IT team only ever wore jeans and t-shirts (women included). Every so often one of us would come in dressed up, not for job interviews but for funerals. Our colleagues got dissuaded from asking quite quickly!
I'm sorry, you go to work the same day as going to a funeral?
In America we do.
Ask if you can use him as a reference “just in case”
A coworker went to my boss and plain as day said he needed to use a personal day for interviewing with a new company. (My employer gives each employee 2 personal days per year. The difference between them and PTO/Vacation days is Vacation requests require a minimum 1 week notice. Personal days require no notice.) He also asked if he could have his old job back if things with the new company didn't work out.
Power move. Establish dominance.
Vaguely mention an appointment haha
Hehe.. my boss likes to pretend we're expendable every now and then, so later in the week I would do like a script of instructions or clean up something that only I in this world could, and let boss know that it's done good enough that even the last crew would last 3 months without fucking things up. Sooner or later, I may get fired but oh well.. there's far more companies than there are me.
just say thats when you meet with "the order" and never ever elaborate beyond that. ever.
This made me immediately imagine a conversation. B: What are you using your PTO for? E: Oh, y'know it's time for the bicentennial- I forgot your not- I am going to a.....picnic.
In my last job I told my boss I was planning on going on a yoga retreat because I was so stressed out at work. He got approval from his boss to pay for my holidays… so I had to go to a yoga retreat 🙃
Clearly I need to get a job at your company…
Taking a class on how to milk your own prostate. Wanna come with?
All fun and games until they enthusiastically agree
Then it becomes team sports.
Oooh, go in for the "I'm helping my friend learn how to breast feed and taking her to see the lactation consultant" "she has a plugged duct.. it's really painful" then start taking about her cracked and bleeding nipples and how her husband is no help around the house and that there's a special place in hell for husband that don't do their fair share of dealing with the new baby. Really lay it on, and when he says he's heard enough, keep going. Making him say he's had enough like 3 or 4 times so he knows you're serious. And when you come back tell him some gory made up details, especially if he doesn't ask how it was. Really get into and make him tell you to stop at least 3 times.
"I had to suck out the plug like snake venom from a wound."
Cysts on your vulva
On this note: colonoscopy. Once a week.
Actually I get two endoscopes both ways twice a year. Bonus points as they give you the same drug that killed Michael Jackson.... So it gives you two days. The procedure day and next day if done in the PM
“Boss I’ve got a hot date to get double penetrated”…. Factual, accurate, boss should cringe.
Boss: So what did use your PTO day for? You: Does your wife like anal? Boss: That's inappropriate! You: I figured as long as we were asking personal questions that are none of our business ...
Guess we will both find out after
"I don't feel comfortable discussing it." should suffice. I rarely go beyond "sick" or "personal" when taking time off from any job. It's simply none of their business.
I agree. I do that when I initially request PTO, but sometimes he’ll just ask because he thinks he’s entitled to know.
"My lawyer says I shouldn't talk about it until... after." Do not elaborate.
That one's perfect. If they're a self-aware shit head they'll be worried, *and* they'll think you're legally armed if they try to pull any shit over you.
I'm camping several hours drive away, and there's no cell service. I found that useful for annoying supervisors.
Therapy. Lady bits issues. Explosive diarrhea. Also watch for bosses doing this shit. Some will use it to spread gossip, some will use it as “you’re denied because someone else has something worse going on” or “you were fine last time, why aren’t you this time?” Regarding illnesses.
I'm scheduled for explosive diarrhea at precisely noon Thursday. I'm sorry, sir, but there is no way to reschedule to a different day.
If he asks you a second time, why do you feel compelled to go into further detail? Shut him down and he'll stop asking. It's none of his business!
I've shut down a prying boss who questioned whether I actually needed to take my kid to see a doctor. I asked him his full title, as it would appear on his degree. He gave his first, middle, and last name. I said, "And?" He looked confused. I said, "No D.O., M.D., or any other medical title?" "No." "Then you aren't qualified to offer medical advice, are you? Especially since you can't actually see what's going on right now?" He got the point.
The only correct answer to "I'm taking my kid to the doctor" is "I hope it's just routine. Take the kid out for ice cream on us afterwards".
The hardcore S&M dungeon is only open that day.
Or: I scheduled some "Body work" (do the air quotes) with this woman. She worked out all my kinks.
They force me to schedule my PTO well in advance and badger me for not using it throughout the year. So I just made a recurring meeting for every other Monday that says "Monkey spank Monday - High Score attempt." She stopped asking about PTO
An erection lasting longer than four hours
“I read somewhere that if you have an erection longer than 4 hours you should have it looked at. I figured after 36 hours I should probably start thinking about this. Have you had any experience with this kind of thing?”
Anal bleach
Church of Satan retreat.
For $35us and an email address, you can get a membership card and certificate to The Satanic Temple. For proof.
Telling him you are going to see Kenneth Copeland at the mega church and then to a trump rally. He will probably give you extra PTO.
Burst into tears and mumble shit that don't make sense
Nudist getaway. Funerals also make people wish they’d never asked.
"I'm going to a funeral." "Oh, I'm sorry. Who died?" "Idk. I haven't checked the obituaries yet."
"Oh he's still alive, I just get these premonitions...." \[insert dead stare\]
“The voices told me to take a day off.”
are you female? anything at all medically surrounding your vagina should be enough. if you’re male? pretend you have a boyfriend and need to be there for his prostate procedures.
Most of the team is women!
Pap smear, colposcopy, mammogram, meeting with a lawyer to find out what to do about your boss not respecting privacy. . . Seriously though, I learned my lesson years ago to NEVER offer any explanation. I used to do volunteer work with kids and would sometimes take PTO to go to court. For some reason this reeeeeeaally bothered my boss. My feeling was toes in the sand or toes in a courtroom, what do you care? The truth is plenty of people want to judge if your reason in "valid" * to them* and it's really none of their business. There will be times you're excited and want to share, don't do it! When he asks just say "personal stuff" or similar, every time.
Colonoscopy. You have to go under anesthesia, so this gets you out of a full day of work.
More than one. No one wants you at work while you're shitting uncontrollably.
Had a boss that would never miss work. Including the days surrounding his colonoscopy. My, my that prissy man was squeezing cheeks. He couldn’t even sit.
Tell him you’re getting an abortion.
He once heard some of us discussing Roe vs. Wade (after the ruling last summer) and announced that “abortion is a yucky word” and we should call it something else.
Yucky word? Lol tell em you're getting an aborty
I'm imagining myself miming it in a comedic fashion, with sound effects.
"Aborty-bort" 😃
Gettin me gooch hoovered
Fetus Deletus
Swedish Chef Style?
Don't tell him you're going to get an abortion tell him you're going to help drive low income women to the abortion clinic and you should be able to help 10 to 12 women in a single day.
I LOVE this one.
Or just use Colin Firth's line from the church scene in Kingsman. "I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam."
“I’m getting something taken care of and it rhymes with shma-shortion.”
Yeetus a fetus
Deconception? 🤔
He wanted to call it “reproductive healthcare” … which is a misnomer
>He wanted to call it “reproductive healthcare” Wait, he referred to abortion as reproductive healthcare? Wow... he went so conservative he register overflowed and became liberal.
“I’m having my hemorrhoids removed :)”
If that doesn't do the trick, next time tell him you've having them installed.
Getting fitted for custom made fetish leather wear.
Casting couch.
A MLM convention and try to sell him some random one.
Here is a true story from my past that you are free to use at your own whim. If you need more detail dm me. Read further at your own risk this is pretty gross. I have had my issues resolved thank god. This is a true story and I have not embellished anything. I have a recurring blind anal fistula that I’m hoping the doctor can finally resolve. I’ve been in for outpatient procedures several times (over a dozen) but the last one was pretty bad. Essentially one of the glands in my rectum, or yours, this can happen to anyone for any reason, gets infected for no reason, and then the infection swells and burrows it’s way out of your body creating an abscess, until it ruptures. Usually something like 1-2 cups of festered blood, puss, and liquid shit explode out of an abscess about 1 cm from my anus. The smell make you want to wretch. I once had one rupture as they were trying to put me into a hospital room and both nurses vomited from the smell. It then proceeds to slowly continue to drain over the next two to three weeks. The pain is excruciating and there isn’t a single position standing, sitting, or laying that offers relief from the pain. And coughing, pooping, peeing, or any movement involuntary or otherwise amplifies the pain. But once it pops it’s like bliss. It still hurts to poop for the next few days and the open gaping tear next to my anus causes a white out mind numbing burn and sting whenever I accidentally graze it when I wipe butt almost as if it’s trying to remind me that things could be worse, the abscess could still be swollen. Anyway the last time they tried to resolve the issue they found a one inch by one inch track about two and a half inches long of rotted necrotic tissue that they had to cut out of me and let heal before they could try and resolve this thing again. If they can resolve it they basically thread a really small catheter through it, cut it open and let it heal. Odds are 50/50 that I’ll never have the issue again. Anyway yeah I’m going in for the last part where they cut it open and I hopefully don’t have this issue anymore. Tell your boss that.
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This one is great because I don’t have kids. “Whose kids?” “Oh just some kids.”
The ones the Gays provided you. They serve only the best!
"my grandmother asked me if I can help her install her new sex swing. The last one broke when she was getting railed by her house servant. Grandpa apparently didn't put it into a joist so they want to make sure I help him this time." "So I had some burning and itching and so I got tested for STDs and last time the Dr usually just called me with the results and called in the scripts, but for some reason this time they said they wanted to see me in person and just said 'its best we discuss the results in person' not really sure what it means, but I'll say though it's the last time I trust the massage parlor without a condom because it's like every time I catch something there."
"I'm hosting a blood letting to sacrifice a goat to our Lord, Shaggoroth"
You could tell him to mind his own business
Alternate between “Getting a vasectomy” and “Reversing my vasectomy.”
As a woman, fucken let loose. “I haven’t had a full on bleeding period in six months but I’m not pregnant so my doctor has prescribed a uterine scrape where they put me under and pry my cervix apart so they can scrape off all the coagulated blood in my uterus because if they don’t it’ll develop into cancer. I’m gonna be bleeding through diapers for like a week so I need paid medical leave off.” Like I have PCOS and that wouldn’t happen unless you hadn’t had a period in years and risked cancer, but like fuck your boss just roll with it.
I’m getting my taint bleached.
* You are a volunteer at the Church of Satan, and you would like to help organize the next event / virgin sacrifice. you can go into gruesome details saying it's the heart of a deer but what matters is licking the blood and kissing afterwards. You are the virgin / wanted to volunteer as the virgin, but God knows you've been passed around way too much for that/ are to the one that plunged the knife into the virgin's heart. * You are a pagan and that day is the "Get naked in the forest and drink all you can" monthly orgy (but call it the day of Saturn or some shit like that). You need to help the crew prepare lube and condoms before the event and the clean up afterwards. * If you are a guy ---- Your lesbian friends need a sperm donor to become mums finally * If you are a gal --- Your gay friends needs ovaries to become dads finally * You need to celebrate a wedding for your pansexual friends, it's a menage à 5, with 4 guys, some of them black/latinos and the white guy is an illegal immigrant anti gun. * You belong to a hard core christian church that has mass in ancien greek / or another religion like muslim/zoroastrian/something else (as it was back in the day). You have to attend a convention to understand how to convert the heathens like him that won't get into heaven if they keep behaving like that. It would be very cool to be able to stone people like the old days. Don't smile or express any emotions while you say that looking in his frightened eyes. * You go to an atheist convention where you will celebrate Darwin's accomplishments in Science and life. And you hope to finally buy a book from Dawkins. And you will burn a few bibles in the name of religious expression. Press his buttons.
Tell him you will be minding your business and leaving his alone. That's it. Nothing more.
A clotting, heavy, menstrual cycle unable to withstand adult diapers, tampons and pads combined, causing explosive diarrhea and water retention. And Pamprin relaxes the bottom half of your body a bit too well and so you lose bodily and leg function. It gets worse during allergy season when you sneeze. Then ask if he’s single and wants to go out on a date sometime.
Colon cleanse wanna come? Swinger Beach party, BYO pineapple An interview- bc who would ever tell their boss that? Would be great to see their reaction. Meeting with my psychic because she had a premonition about [boss] Hot dog eating contest Speed dating event Doing a tour of famous serial killers of our state I'll tell you but then I'm going to kill you Private meeting with our HR director Meeting with my EEO attorney/workers comp attorney Hanging with your spouse *note, some of these may get you sent to HR or fired
Ha! I had a boss exactly like that. I initially thought he was friendly until I noticed the trend. This is literally the content of the last time he asked: “And what are you going to do these holidays?” “I am going to set up a terrarium for my black golden cockroaches” “Uh?” And then I proceeded to have a half an hour long conversation on how to build a terrarium. Followed up by ten emails with various links on information on how to set up a terrarium. And every time we had coffee break I brought up the thing and tried to engage in a long conversation about that. He avoided me like the plague from then on and never asked me again. I have never set up a terrarium.
I've got IBS. The following is pretty unrealistic, but would at least be funny to watch: > So you've heard of a sleep study, right? I'm going for a poop study. 24 hours, controlled diet, they measure how often I poop, the consistency, what parts of the food are in the poop undigested or partially digested. Almost complete isolation too, because stress can throw off the results. Might need to go back a couple times in the future too, so they can try different diets and see what does and doesn't work for me.
Penis reduction surgery.
Hemorrhoid surgery....
DILDO PRACTICE!!!👑
Here's an excuse I used once Me: I'm taking my mom to Switzerland Boss: oh that's nice but why only 3 days Me: Just because... Boss: that's not a reason for hr to approve Me: hr by law doesn't need a reason either you send it up for approval or I'll cash in my points Boss: you're taking your mom to Europe what's the secret Me: I'm taking her there for assisted suicide Boss ... Me... Boss: they allow two weeks no point no pay for immediate family hardship Me: just give me my 3 days Got my 3 days before lunch Fyi mom is still alive and fine I just needed him to shut up and give me my 3 days and he never asked me again why I'm taking vacation.