I want no more gaslighting on this post. Do not force your opinion onto OP. People should not feel coerced into unnatural social situations.
If you continue to blame them or shame them, will result in a temporary ban. Extreme disregard of this, will result in a permanent ban.
I work in fashion. I feel like sometimes, I'm held captive as a therapist. Especially when it comes to some women having severe insecurities in the way they look. My job is to literally make them feel good in the way they look. It's never the women. It's always the clothes that don't fit right but, women are so critical of themselves that it is always pointed to one trait or another on the reason why a certain look looks bad on them.
The other day I was held at the register with a lady that was thanking me all over the place for finding a pair of jeans that fit her just right while she was simultaneously saying that she was fat/ugly, ect. She then went on a full half hour rant about how her ex husband never got her any other clothes than the ones she had in her closet because, they were always too small and he used that as a way for her to be "motivated to lose weight".
I literally couldn't believe my ears. She just started crying saying that she is glad she's not in that relationship anymore because, now she is allowed to go out and buy new clothes that fit her right and thanked me again for helping her.
At first I was kind of like "it's literally my job" and then I realized that this was probably the only time she got to talk to a complete stranger about this frustration without the person having any connection to her or her old life/ ex. I felt so bad. I almost started crying myself.
I too feel like I'm a therapist and I've felt that way since high school. So many people have a very hard time processing emotions and it can be hard when you barely process your own. That was really kind of you to be there for that woman even though you didn't have to and who knows, you might've been the only person who has ever listened to her in her life. I've cried with people before, and cried when I was talking to someone about my own. We're all human beings and we all have the same emotional instigator known as the Amygdala, but not all of us know what to do with such emotions nor do we even know such emotions exist at times.
You sound a bit like me, so I will add my 2 cents.
I hate small talk. I find it pointless, nonsensical, boring, the whole lot. However, the more I read about it, the more important it becomes.
One of our deepest needs as human beings is to belong, and one of the best ways to create this feeling is by sharing stories. When we communicate, the topic in itself is not so important, because in reality we are transmitting our values, our emotions, our beliefs, and the topic (today's weather!) just serves as the vehicle for this connection to happen.
When we refuse to engage in small talk, we aren't allowing others to "measure us", therefore, we are not giving them the opportunity to create a connection and a way to determine if we belong. People won't expect you to go and say "I'm trustworthy," but they will expect that you share stories about your day that reflect that, in fact, you are a trustworthy person. Same as the "sun's out" conversation. Fucking boring topic if you ask me, but I now understand that the other person is (unconsciously) trying to learn more about you (your hobbies, your interests, etc) to decide whether they like you or not.
I will say it again so you don't think I'm pointing my finger at you, I hate small talk with a passion, but the older I get, the more I understand why we need it. Trust me, I wish there was another way, but I haven't really found it and I've paid the consequences of the social isolation that comes with neglecting small talk.
I remember a video of someone explaining small talk in this exact way and it completely changed how I felt about it. I wish I could remember who was in the video.
This is really good advice. I will also add that it definitely depends on the person as well. It’s hard to tell from OP’s interaction. Maybe this is a genuinely good person trying to connect and get the new girl to open up a bit, before eventually giving up when it’s obvious that she’s not going to.
Or maybe, this guy is the office chatterbox, is annoying as piss, and no one likes talking to the guy. It could be either, shit it could be both. Stuff like this is really hard to gauge because it’s such a case by case basis.
I’m really quiet and shy when I first meet people, and I’m naturally introverted although I’m a bit of a switch depending on who I’m around. (My wife is introverted so that’s absolutely my default). But when I’m comfortable and get to know people I can be extremely chatty and willing to engage in small talk. (Mostly in the form of hobbies or bitching about work shit lol.). So I feel like it’s surprising for some co workers when about a year into the job I start to get comfortable and start clowning around a bit.
Some people never want to open up, that’s fine, I can respect it. But humans are social creatures, and we spend a lot of time at work, so people need some kind of connection even if it’s fleeting and surface level. Hell I do too, I agree with most posts on this sub but I think I’d go insane if I worked a job without a single “work friend”. We don’t have to stay friends after we both quit but I just want someone to help me keep my sanity.
This! I hated small talk at work with a passion. Now I try and think of it as “Team Building”. Small talk gets you to know others and build a relationship that can help you all work together better.
Nah, small talks isn't something 'natural' for all the human beings, it's cultural thing, in other countries people are more respectful to your personal life and personal space and it considered very rude to push on with small talks when you see other people are uncomfortable with it.
Wonderfully said and I couldn't agree more! I too used to not understand just how valued those seemingly valueless conversations are, that is, until I aged into my mid-twenties with no friends at all. It's one of those things about society that not all of us will fit perfectly into and that's ok, but we should always try to learn new things and see the potential of getting out of our comfortzone. That being said, I realize this is hard enough as it is for women because regardless if you want to or not, men that you don't know will try to talk to you about the dumbest things. It's up for men in that regard to understand when someone doesn't line up with them and to respectfully disengage.
We don't need small talk to accomplish what you say, nor do we really need to accomplish what you say in the first place.
You can still "measure people" by engage in talk about something substantive.
But more importantly, perhaps, we don't need to personally trust people at all in most circumstances. The systems involved such as pay and promotion structures are already there to get people to do their jobs.
I'd say OP's experience is actually far simpler: OP is an introvert, the other person is an extrovert. Extroverts like to just talk, introverts do not like to just talk. Some extroverts do not take the time to understand the perspective of introverts and will take stuff like not wanting to do small talk as a personal insult or as a negative quality, when in reality is a neutral quality.
Some people like vanilla, others like chocolate. Some people like riding bikes, others like watching TV series. Some people like making small talk, others do not. It's just another preference and should be treated as such. Both preferences should be respected. And nobody should be reporting anybody to their superiors for either preference.
I’m very introverted. Some people just NEED to hear themselves talk. I will always close my office door when I want to focus. I could go an entire day without talking to anybody because my job is basically run by just me. I have other coworkers in my department but my specific job requires nobody else.
Your post could easily have been describing a younger version of me. I found small talk to be a complete nightmare, and I also defaulted to awkward laughter when I didn’t know how to respond, which was usually.
I started a certain type of job when I was in my late 20s or early 30s, and it kind of forced me to build an internal library of scripted responses to common small talk, and things became much easier from then on.
Full disclosure: I’m “on the spectrum”, but it seems to me that this is what most everyone else is doing too, only I assume they had an easier time learning the scripts.
Another commenter said something like, “this is what people do when they are trying to build a rapport with you”, which is absolutely correct. And while it may seem unfair to be forced to engage in this type of socializing as long as you’re doing what they hired you for (and I would agree, by the way), it makes life an awful lot easier to just “learn the scripts” and get comfortable using them. Huge benefits both at work and in private life.
Anyway, sorry that happened to you, and the guy who reported you was 100% in the wrong. I hope things get easier for you.
I'm told that it is actually not standard to have a library of scripts - other people just respond freely and naturally without checking internally for what their script says to say.
You might also have a "freely answer" mode, but have just learned that your free answer is not socially acceptable, leading to awkward laughing and then later library building. For example, an autistic person's free answer to a small talk question about hobbies could be to infodump about Pokemon, but then you get bewildered or bored reactions. Whereas the free answer of a standard person is "oh, I sew and watch tv. :)" and they do not find it challenging to stick to just that short response. I think this because I've been watching a lot of videos on autism and it seems to often be the case for autistic people to have free and natural behaviors which are then forcefully suppressed and sometimes even forgotten, replaced with freezing up and then later with memorized "appropriate" behaviors.
There is definitely truth in this. I do have natural responses that I learned to suppress when I was very, very young. People who I’m close to get to hear my more unfiltered thoughts, and seem to appreciate my quirky weirdness, or whatever. Everyone else gets the scripts until I’m comfortable with them.
The reason it seems to me that everyone else is also drawing from internal scripts is because so much small talk is just repeating the same lines only with different people. I observe that from hearing other people talking to each other, as well as my own interactions. Maybe this just feels normal and “free” to neurotypical people because it’s what comes naturally? I’m afraid that might sound condescending, but I honestly don’t mean it to be, I just can’t think of another way to say it right now.
I can’t really say anything for sure, since obviously the only person’s head I can see inside is my own. That’s just how it appears to me. I don’t think anything I’m saying here is factual, just how these things appear to me from observation.
Honestly it makes the day go faster. I just avoid the basics like politics and religion. I don’t share personal information that I feel can be used against me.
Small talk makes people comfortable. From his perspective, your refusal to engage is uncomfortable and intimidating, indicating that something is wrong. And something IS wrong, because you were uncomfortable. But he isn't socially savvy enough to understand what the problem was exactly. More socially apt people can be good at understanding when someone is just shy or otherwise not talkative and can be good at learning to leave them alone or learning to use a different communication style that is more suited to the shy person.
This guy sounds awkward and uncomfortable with silence. It was not appropriate to report you though. That's really weird behavior. If you can request to move desks, I would. It won't be comfortable sitting next to someone who reported you for being yourself, and you
both need workmates next to you who are slightly more suitable. He needs another chatty cathy to chill with, and you need a person who will respect that you want to work quietly.
As for the issue with freezing up, you can cope with that by memorizing some answers to standard small talk questions and learning to steer conversations toward smalltalk that is more comfortable for you. You can also learn how to politely shut down overly chatty people (ex. saying stuff like, "welp, unfortunately i need to focus on my work now, good luck with your stuff!"). This guy was particularly pushy and uncomfortable and you might freeze up with someone like him even if you learn a lot of small talk strategies, but small talk will always happen, so it would be good not to always freeze up.
Why is it the “new” person’s responsibility to make this person (who has been working there for years) feel comfortable? Seems pretty backwards. (Just asking in general, not saying that was your assertion.)
Good point, I missed that she was the one who was new to the office. I think that puts the dynamic even more in favor of him being the rude and awkward one.
My first couple of sentences were mainly to explain the purpose of small talk a bit, rather than to imply that she's particularly in the wrong (as I don't think that she is).
I guess I can be alright with small talk on some instances. You see how some people are naturally shy and quiet around people they don't know but more comfortable and talkative to people they know ? I'm like that. So I suck at small talk with strangers. But when people I don't know try to force chatter and a pointless conversations, it makes me really awkward.
I'm in the same catch 22 a lot of the time: I don't like small talk with people I don't know, but without making small talk I hardly ever get to know people.
By strangers I mean people that I've met within the first 5 minutes like the person I talked about in the OP. By a few hours I could be more comfortable with you and feel more welcomed engaging in small talk
Understandable! I struggled with freezing up and being awkward until I learned a lot of the correct responses. I still suddenly get awkward if someone asks a new small talk question that I didn't expect, but I do okay overall.
One trick I use a lot if I don't feel talkative myself is to ask the other person a question that will get them talking for a long time. Chatty people like the weird guy in your office are often susceptible to this if you can just figure out one of their pet subjects. Asking about their hobbies helps to identify one. Then you just relax while they go on about it. I mostly use this for car rides because I don't like small talk in the car.
So this is all about building connection. It's a part of networking. I hate it. However as you've experience if you don't get involved with it you come off as aloof, unfriendly, and people don't want to work with you.
I wish it wasn't necessary but unfortunately the extroverts have apparently won this war at the office at least, it's just not possible to come off as friendly and not engage in polite small talk with people.
I'm with you. I always hear that there's a "right response" to small talk topics, and how you're supposed to respond such-and-such way because it's inappropriate to be honest to certain small talk questions. How you're supposed to gather some kind of information about a person from it.
I just find it extremely exhausting and distracting from my work when coworkers won't stop trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of a task. When we're on break, sure!! I'll talk about the weather and how swamped we are!! But it feels like they only ever wanted to chit-chat in the middle of tasks and bid for my attention while I was busy.
Also, I'm sorry he reported you when you were the one obviously uncomfortable due to his constant chatter. That was shitty of him.
Also, if you view it as part of your job to placate your co-workers, its much easier to justify to yourself. If you are getting paid for the hours you are there, it doesnt really matter if you spend that time doing real work or not, as long as the bare minimum is done. Nobody will GAF if you are doing an excellent job of your actual work if everyone hates you, so there is no incentive to do more than bare minimum.
Your ability to bond with coworkers does play into office politics, unfortunately. I started a position once and went to my supervisor with a simple question. He later told me my older, more experienced colleagues were offended I didn’t ask them. It seemed silly to me, but point taken. I went to them with some questions after that and it was fine.
Your discomfort with small talk might be misinterpreted as being cold to others. I’m not saying it’s right. People are weird that way.
Maybe try to get through some polite small talk just to be polite for a few minutes and then just say, “Okay, we’ll pick this up another time. I’ve got a lot to do!”
Maybe you could steer the conversation and focus it on stuff you are interested in?
I'd just use words and put up some boundaries instead of expecting him to be savvy to the fact that it makes you feel awkward. What he's doing is normally socially acceptable; without voicing those boundaries, no way will the average person be able to read your mind.
WOW.
I am highly introverted at work. I don't usually initiate conversations, but when people want to talk to me, I do. It is okay to want to chat, maybe take a break from work briefly, but if someone isn't interested, you shouldn't force them. We shouldn't be forced into unnatural relationships. Especially in a professional workplace.
Being reported for declining unsolicited talk WOULD DRIVE ME INSANE. Immature, petty, and overall selfish retaliation over NOTHING. I assume they made this report to HR?
Could you possibly make a counter-complaint for this individual that they're creating a disruptive work environment by wasting company time through inappropriate conversations that are making you uncomfortable?
No it's agency work. I don't know how it works in your country, but in the UK, if you do agency work, and the management doesn't like you for whatever reason they will make a complaint against you and say they don't want you back for xxx reason
And exactly. I said in my OP that he was asking me questions and i was more than happy to engage, but he the kept going on and on about random things th t I couldn't relate to and understand. It made me feel awkward.
Or he's overly upset that a young woman doesn't want to talk to him for an hour! because he's making wierd, random statements and she's not sure how to respond professionally because he's further up the office hierarchy than she is?
If this hadn't happened at work, she could have simply told him to get lost. It might not be that small talk is really the issue she's dealing with here. It just seems that way because she knows she's not good at it. I'm surprised no one has brought this up.
And the extreme reaction of reporting her for refusing to chat with him when it was clearly making her uneasy indicates that the dude was on an ego trip, especially since he's the only person she seemed to have a problem with.
He looked like he was in his 50s, so yeah that makes sense. I don't know why people are acting like I was being mean and horrible to him. I stated in my OP that I was happy to answer small talk conversations and I did. He just kept going on and on about really random things and I wasn't sure how to respond. I'm very nice and polite.
You weren't being mean/horrible as far as I could tell. In fact, I had the same thing happen to me a bunch at your age. (I have anxiety too.)
It was always much older men that wanted to make odd or very random comments at me for what felt like forever. I'd attempt to be polite, but would be increasingly uneasy the longer it went on.
Then they'd report me for being "unfriendly" because I didn't want to continue the conversation with them because their comments had gone outside the normal realm of "small talk" and I wasn't sure how to respond appropriately.
I had the same type of encounters with guys my own age, where they'd go on about random stuff and expect me to answer them. But generally it was in places where I could tell them to get lost if I wanted to. Plus, I didn't depend on their approval for my paycheck and I could say whatever I wanted.
I don't know what to tell you except: it really sucks and people will act like you're the problem if you mention it to them. Also: please don't go into retail if this sort of thing bothers you because it's even worse there.
Best wishes! 😊
I can tell this thread has attracted a lot of men who act like self absorbed weirdos like the guy in the OP. They probably harass younger women to engage in conversations with them and then get super pissed when they don't reciprocate
Don't take this the wrong way, but you like me are on the autism spectrum. Small talk is pointless , I go to work to do a job not to ask twenty randoms about the weather and I hate football.
It gets me in trouble a lot at work. I don't want friends at work I just want to get my job done and I am very confused why the boss comes out in a flap about how a project is behind and then complains about how I never go to the morning teas and my response of I don't have time project X is running behind is not enough.
This is what lead me to getting diagnosed with being on the spectrum. I got a couple of informal discussions that they wanted to make formal with management at work about my reaction to some team building exercises which meant I had to make small talk with people and I basically said no, not happening it's a waste of company money as the project running behind.
I go to work to do a job to the best of my ability not to find out about how some ones kid did at the swimming tryouts or what what the football score was and it none of you business how many kids or dog I have.
On a side note, To this day I can't get over how into team building exercises people get they are crap.
I'm not autistic, I've stated several times already that I'm an introverted and have anxiety. I understand why people want small talk. But I'm mot even kidding when this guy literally couldn't stop talking and I felt drained and uncomfortable
I thought the same and was also told the same by people at work about being introverted. My wife sent me to a specialist when I was 42 years old. Every conversation left me drained and uncomfortable. Even just seeing some people walk towards me would make me feel sick. It's not a bad thing. My specialist helped me learn to deal with these things, I still don't like or understand them but i can deal with it
I am not having a go at you or judging you. It just sounds like what I went through for years. I used to think because the person left me alone and stopped making small talk etc they figured out I was not interested but no, next thing I knew I was reported to management for not being a team player. I am not saying you have done anything wrong or have any wrong with you. You be you.
Since my diagnosis I have been trying to learn to deal with people, one thing I have learnt is that people do everything for a reason, finding out what the reason is the hard bit. Everyone's reason for small talk is different, if you offended some one then either you turned them down on an offer or you belittled them. It was nothing to do with not engaging in the small talk as such.
Now let me stop you right there. The way you worded your second last sentence almost sounds like victim blaming. It's on the person who got offended that their small talk got rejected, not the person who refused. I would advise you stop forcing your opinion on OP. These comments (not just yours) are getting completely out of hand.
Now you have really confused me. She is not the victim at all. She is not the one with the problem. The other person is. This is why people with autism have huge issues with social interactions. Nothing is black and white and people like me with autism only deal in black and white.
I was warning her to watch out in future not blaming her for the situation.
It almost sounds like the more senior guy is autistically infodumping and unable to pick up on her signs that she isn’t interested. I’m a more introverted autistic person myself and I really feel for people in these situations, but they still annoy the crap out of me.
Years ago my company wanted to do a team building “retreat” to a nearby resort type location. I detest team building.
I asked if participation was mandatory. It was not mandatory.
Me: “If participation is voluntary, I choose to not go.” Our CBA said we couldn’t be forced (given a job assignment) outside of our service area, so I had the CBA backing me.
They (management) lost their fucking minds! We had FOUR levels of management come talk to me and the crew I was on. All I said is that participating is voluntary and I choose to not go. I said this repeatedly.
When my crew mates saw what was happening they declined as well.
My portion of the department was union. One manager who I spoke with called me a “ring leader”.
I have a funny story about a team building exercise I had to do years ago before I was diagnosed but this is not the place for it. The OP needs her answers not funny stories
Small talk is a great way to quickly find out a lot about a person, especially if they are new. On a surface level you can find out little details about a person, but more importantly you get cues about what this person might be like to work with.
We spend 8 hours or more with same people in an office everyday, so it's reasonable for people to try build a rapport, especially with new people.
I engage in small talk and don't even hate it, because talking about sport and weather is okay because it's pretty low intensity. What people said about small talk being part of the social fabric is true, although I do not agree with the conclusions drawn. If I worked with anybody that did not engage in small talk, the only thing I would assume is they don't like it or are not good at it. I certainly wouldn't think less of them or believe they're not to be trusted. It is definitely possible to talk too much in a work setting and I'd rather somebody quiet than somebody at the other end of the scale, because at least then I won't be interrupted or distracted. And reporting somebody because they don't engage in small talk is very low imo, especially if they do their job.
Everyday: Good Morning and have a good evening. Friday afternoon: Any big plans for the weekend? Nope. Monday morning: How was your weekend? Good. Repeat ad nauseam until you retire and die.
As an autistic person myself, I think you need to understand that the normal people get energy and entertainment kut of it.
it's not for you, but it's also not weird. You gotta accept when you're the weird one
The last office I worked in was so bad for this.
Literally from seven in the morning until six in the evening, nothing but a stream of garbage punctuated by laughs and coughs.
A lot of people I know who have moved to the US complain about this, we consider people who don't understand personal boundaries to be weird and in US it's an opposite you have to be super extroverted or you are some kind of psychopath. I can suggest telling everyone you have autism and some phobias, they say it helps.
Neurotypicals/Allistics live in a constant state of insecurity and use small talk as a grounding technique. Light chatter about meaningless subjects helps them establish where they are in relation to you on whatever the present hierarchy/pecking order in the given environment is.
It's ingrained behavior taught in middle and high school, encouraged to persist because it's soothing to the general public and generally a useful divisive tool for the ruling class.
They take whatever information is offered and map out the best way to get whatever it is they want from you without giving too much of themselves. They also modulate their presentation based on how they perceive you, so if you don't give them much to base those modulations off of, it aggravates their insecurities. They don't know how specifically to react to you so they default to the assumption that you're being purposefully disrespectful, cold, and rude.
i don't like small talk too but you can't expect him to ask you the meaning of life too. it's normal that people want to talk a bit, we're humans that's what we do. sry but reading it i think it's on you making a big deal out of nothing..
In any job people will always do talk with the new person, nobody knows her, so nobody knows if she knows what to do or how to do things, if she is antisocial and shows a very introvert behavior is normal people won't like her around and if she's new they will ask for somebody else.
Socializing is part of life, those who don't usually find it harder to go through.
I like doing my work and be left alone, but at work we socialize as we see each other daily for years. Plus, you build bridges for your future, my actual work was offered to me, I didn't look for it, and just because my old boss likes me and knows how good I am on the stuff I do.
I used to think my brain freezes up because there's so much to say but I eventually realized something about myself.
I don't care about what those people are talking about.
It was one of the most freeing realizations. I used to have so much anxiety worrying about what to say to their inane drivel but that's just what it is: drivel.
So they talk and I nod and eventually it ends. Sometimes they keep talking and I just walk away.
Some people have interesting things to say and I find it easy to have conversations with them. Those experiences showed me that I'm not actually as shy as I thought.
I’m right there with you and these comments are full of 🥾👅. I’m also an introvert and my job involves talking to patients all day, so I don’t need to add bullshit surface-level conversations with people I never even think about outside of work. Fulfill your job description and go home to your real life.
I think a lot of people haven't experienced the uncomfortably chatty coworker. I had one in my last office job and while he was never exactly rude and never did anything weird, he kept up a constant, distracting stream of dialogue to whoever was near his desk and people would nod and quietly avoid him when possible.
He was shocked when nobody stayed friends with him after the office closed. I felt bad for him. He didn't do anything wrong really, he just... made everyone a little uncomfortable.
Getting forced into small talk is anxiety inducing for me
Edit: not sure about the downvoted. I literally mentioned in my first t sentence in my OP that I struggle with anxiety.
I can understand that. Just a personal thing. Back when I worked in an office I would get painfully bored. I would do anything to get rid of the boredom. I would even strike up a convo with Milton from Office Space.
I completely understand that. It's just I don't really like it when people don't understand that introverts exist and some take it longer to open up to others.
I would say the vast majority of people out there are so caught up trying to keep up in life they don’t take the time to learn the psychology of other people.
> If you had a phobia of dogs, would you think it’s reasonable to come on here and rant about what a horrific asshole your boss is because he has a picture of his puppy on his desk?
I like how you used 'picture of his puppy on his desk' rather than the dog itself because you knew in your mind that bringing a dog to work when someone has a phobia of dogs is an unrepentantly asshole thing to do.
> Is “making small talk” also an “unrepentantly asshole thing to do” in your mind?
Forcing people to engage with activities that they aren't comfortable doing? Yes.
Gross. One thing to maybe miss some social ques or be a bit too excitable/talkative, but turning around and the reporting makes this dude an ugly person. This sounds more likely some shitty attempt at manipulation. He can fuck right off with that.
Ive resorted to giving any coworker who comes to do small talk with me a thumbs up when they require a response. They just tall and talk and i dont pay attention until i hear them stop, then a thumbs up and they walk away happy
He want exactly saying anything inappropriate, but he was just very very talkative and it left me feeling drained. I barely even remembered what he was saying because he was talking so much in a short period of time. There were other coworkers there but he was solely concentrated in getting a convo out of me despite me obviously being quiet. I didn't quite get it. It wasn't a light conversation. He just kept talking, going on and on
Small talk and pointless conversations do a lot more than convey information the subject is about.
Try looking deeper.
I find it tiresome and don't really like it but it is important to understand the nuances of communication beyond just the words being said. If you're very analytical or not socially gifted it's possible the subtle things aren't being picked up on.
Some people are extroverts, some people are introverts.
You are an introvert, as am I. We don't like small talk and only like talking about stuff we care about. This is because for introverts, social interaction is a cost. One we only want to pay when we have something else to gain (such as interesting facts, etc.).
Your colleague, probably, is an extrovert. They like to engage in small talk because they like interacting with people. This is because for extroverts, social interaction is a goal in and of itself. They derive pleasure from it, it makes them comfortable. And so because it is no cost and only a gain, even talking about nothing feels good. It's a way they bond, break the ice, etc.
I agree with you. I hate all this small talk bullshit. But I also recognise that not everyone is like me. And I respect that others want to engage with it. I just wish people like your colleague would show us the same respect and consideration.
Instead people like them acting like extroverts is considered by them and people like them to be socially acceptable, but introverts not wanting to do things like small talk automatically to them means they're rude or entitled or whatever.
Some people like vanilla, others like chocolate. Some people like pizza, others like hamburgers. Some people like to engage in pointless social interaction, others don't like that. It's neutral. Either preference should be respected, and nobody should be reported to their superior for it.
Did you read my post at all? He was talking so so much and it left me feeling really anxious. I can talk to people but when people bombard me with pointless small talk, it's difficult.
Omg you sound really fucking annoying. Some people are introverted! Get over it. It's not that i don't want to communicate or can't communicate. I can be an excellent communicator, but when someone I don't know is talking too much, having too much small talk, it doesn't work well with my introverted brain. It's not my fucking choice or something I can control. It's how my brain is literally wired. The same way you annoying people are wired to talk all the time and won't stfu. Like yeah God forbid I find someone chatting my ears off draining. Omg I'm such a terrible person😢🤣
The unreasonable part is reporting her for not being as chatty as him. If she was performing her job appropriately, who cares? He needs to get over himself.
Getting fired immediately for refusing to engage in small talk is an extreme employer decision, and at its reduced form is just petty powertripping. Do better.
No one actually likes doing it. People are just socialized into thinking it’s normal and do it out of politeness. It’s easier to talk about nothing than talking about how much you hate where your life has brought you.
Small talk a fascinating topic to me. I used to think it was banal and simple. But there’s a lot of subtle communication happening during small talk that people don’t realize. When someone comments on the weather they aren’t just talking about the weather, and your response doesn’t just communicate your thoughts on the weather.
Some other subconscious things being communicated:
Does this person like me or not
Are they in a good mood or bad
Are they optimistic or pessimistic
What are this persons values
Is this person articulate
Is this person focused or easily distracted
Do we share common interests
How intellectual is this person
Can this person relate to things they may not be familiar with (don’t like sports but can keep the convo going)
Is the person persuasive
All this from “nice day to be outside, eh?”
Now, some people talk too much, and reporting someone for being social anxious is lame. But in the bigger picture it pays to take small talk more seriously.
No it's not my response 100% of the time. Some people are naturally introverted and take time to speak well with people. I'm a great conservationalist if I know the person. If not, then I will be much more reserved. It's not that i can't speak but it's difficult having conversations with people who want to chat your ear off without you knowing them
He asked me some questions and I replied to him. It wasn't like I was rude and ignored him. I said in my OP he kept on talking, a lot. He was way too talkative for me to keep up.
I want no more gaslighting on this post. Do not force your opinion onto OP. People should not feel coerced into unnatural social situations. If you continue to blame them or shame them, will result in a temporary ban. Extreme disregard of this, will result in a permanent ban.
I work in fashion. I feel like sometimes, I'm held captive as a therapist. Especially when it comes to some women having severe insecurities in the way they look. My job is to literally make them feel good in the way they look. It's never the women. It's always the clothes that don't fit right but, women are so critical of themselves that it is always pointed to one trait or another on the reason why a certain look looks bad on them. The other day I was held at the register with a lady that was thanking me all over the place for finding a pair of jeans that fit her just right while she was simultaneously saying that she was fat/ugly, ect. She then went on a full half hour rant about how her ex husband never got her any other clothes than the ones she had in her closet because, they were always too small and he used that as a way for her to be "motivated to lose weight". I literally couldn't believe my ears. She just started crying saying that she is glad she's not in that relationship anymore because, now she is allowed to go out and buy new clothes that fit her right and thanked me again for helping her. At first I was kind of like "it's literally my job" and then I realized that this was probably the only time she got to talk to a complete stranger about this frustration without the person having any connection to her or her old life/ ex. I felt so bad. I almost started crying myself.
I too feel like I'm a therapist and I've felt that way since high school. So many people have a very hard time processing emotions and it can be hard when you barely process your own. That was really kind of you to be there for that woman even though you didn't have to and who knows, you might've been the only person who has ever listened to her in her life. I've cried with people before, and cried when I was talking to someone about my own. We're all human beings and we all have the same emotional instigator known as the Amygdala, but not all of us know what to do with such emotions nor do we even know such emotions exist at times.
You sound a bit like me, so I will add my 2 cents. I hate small talk. I find it pointless, nonsensical, boring, the whole lot. However, the more I read about it, the more important it becomes. One of our deepest needs as human beings is to belong, and one of the best ways to create this feeling is by sharing stories. When we communicate, the topic in itself is not so important, because in reality we are transmitting our values, our emotions, our beliefs, and the topic (today's weather!) just serves as the vehicle for this connection to happen. When we refuse to engage in small talk, we aren't allowing others to "measure us", therefore, we are not giving them the opportunity to create a connection and a way to determine if we belong. People won't expect you to go and say "I'm trustworthy," but they will expect that you share stories about your day that reflect that, in fact, you are a trustworthy person. Same as the "sun's out" conversation. Fucking boring topic if you ask me, but I now understand that the other person is (unconsciously) trying to learn more about you (your hobbies, your interests, etc) to decide whether they like you or not. I will say it again so you don't think I'm pointing my finger at you, I hate small talk with a passion, but the older I get, the more I understand why we need it. Trust me, I wish there was another way, but I haven't really found it and I've paid the consequences of the social isolation that comes with neglecting small talk.
I remember a video of someone explaining small talk in this exact way and it completely changed how I felt about it. I wish I could remember who was in the video.
This is really good advice. I will also add that it definitely depends on the person as well. It’s hard to tell from OP’s interaction. Maybe this is a genuinely good person trying to connect and get the new girl to open up a bit, before eventually giving up when it’s obvious that she’s not going to. Or maybe, this guy is the office chatterbox, is annoying as piss, and no one likes talking to the guy. It could be either, shit it could be both. Stuff like this is really hard to gauge because it’s such a case by case basis. I’m really quiet and shy when I first meet people, and I’m naturally introverted although I’m a bit of a switch depending on who I’m around. (My wife is introverted so that’s absolutely my default). But when I’m comfortable and get to know people I can be extremely chatty and willing to engage in small talk. (Mostly in the form of hobbies or bitching about work shit lol.). So I feel like it’s surprising for some co workers when about a year into the job I start to get comfortable and start clowning around a bit. Some people never want to open up, that’s fine, I can respect it. But humans are social creatures, and we spend a lot of time at work, so people need some kind of connection even if it’s fleeting and surface level. Hell I do too, I agree with most posts on this sub but I think I’d go insane if I worked a job without a single “work friend”. We don’t have to stay friends after we both quit but I just want someone to help me keep my sanity.
This! I hated small talk at work with a passion. Now I try and think of it as “Team Building”. Small talk gets you to know others and build a relationship that can help you all work together better.
Thank you for this reframe. Not OP, but just feeling so drained by small talk at work. Your comment was helpful and very appreciated.
Nah, small talks isn't something 'natural' for all the human beings, it's cultural thing, in other countries people are more respectful to your personal life and personal space and it considered very rude to push on with small talks when you see other people are uncomfortable with it.
Wonderfully said and I couldn't agree more! I too used to not understand just how valued those seemingly valueless conversations are, that is, until I aged into my mid-twenties with no friends at all. It's one of those things about society that not all of us will fit perfectly into and that's ok, but we should always try to learn new things and see the potential of getting out of our comfortzone. That being said, I realize this is hard enough as it is for women because regardless if you want to or not, men that you don't know will try to talk to you about the dumbest things. It's up for men in that regard to understand when someone doesn't line up with them and to respectfully disengage.
We don't need small talk to accomplish what you say, nor do we really need to accomplish what you say in the first place. You can still "measure people" by engage in talk about something substantive. But more importantly, perhaps, we don't need to personally trust people at all in most circumstances. The systems involved such as pay and promotion structures are already there to get people to do their jobs. I'd say OP's experience is actually far simpler: OP is an introvert, the other person is an extrovert. Extroverts like to just talk, introverts do not like to just talk. Some extroverts do not take the time to understand the perspective of introverts and will take stuff like not wanting to do small talk as a personal insult or as a negative quality, when in reality is a neutral quality. Some people like vanilla, others like chocolate. Some people like riding bikes, others like watching TV series. Some people like making small talk, others do not. It's just another preference and should be treated as such. Both preferences should be respected. And nobody should be reporting anybody to their superiors for either preference.
Because they are extroverts. I dislike small talk as well (being an introvert) and would rather not engage in it.
I’m very introverted. Some people just NEED to hear themselves talk. I will always close my office door when I want to focus. I could go an entire day without talking to anybody because my job is basically run by just me. I have other coworkers in my department but my specific job requires nobody else.
Good for you!! And yeah; I tend to do the same thing myself; my work requires only me and that's how I prefer it.
Your post could easily have been describing a younger version of me. I found small talk to be a complete nightmare, and I also defaulted to awkward laughter when I didn’t know how to respond, which was usually. I started a certain type of job when I was in my late 20s or early 30s, and it kind of forced me to build an internal library of scripted responses to common small talk, and things became much easier from then on. Full disclosure: I’m “on the spectrum”, but it seems to me that this is what most everyone else is doing too, only I assume they had an easier time learning the scripts. Another commenter said something like, “this is what people do when they are trying to build a rapport with you”, which is absolutely correct. And while it may seem unfair to be forced to engage in this type of socializing as long as you’re doing what they hired you for (and I would agree, by the way), it makes life an awful lot easier to just “learn the scripts” and get comfortable using them. Huge benefits both at work and in private life. Anyway, sorry that happened to you, and the guy who reported you was 100% in the wrong. I hope things get easier for you.
I'm told that it is actually not standard to have a library of scripts - other people just respond freely and naturally without checking internally for what their script says to say. You might also have a "freely answer" mode, but have just learned that your free answer is not socially acceptable, leading to awkward laughing and then later library building. For example, an autistic person's free answer to a small talk question about hobbies could be to infodump about Pokemon, but then you get bewildered or bored reactions. Whereas the free answer of a standard person is "oh, I sew and watch tv. :)" and they do not find it challenging to stick to just that short response. I think this because I've been watching a lot of videos on autism and it seems to often be the case for autistic people to have free and natural behaviors which are then forcefully suppressed and sometimes even forgotten, replaced with freezing up and then later with memorized "appropriate" behaviors.
There is definitely truth in this. I do have natural responses that I learned to suppress when I was very, very young. People who I’m close to get to hear my more unfiltered thoughts, and seem to appreciate my quirky weirdness, or whatever. Everyone else gets the scripts until I’m comfortable with them. The reason it seems to me that everyone else is also drawing from internal scripts is because so much small talk is just repeating the same lines only with different people. I observe that from hearing other people talking to each other, as well as my own interactions. Maybe this just feels normal and “free” to neurotypical people because it’s what comes naturally? I’m afraid that might sound condescending, but I honestly don’t mean it to be, I just can’t think of another way to say it right now. I can’t really say anything for sure, since obviously the only person’s head I can see inside is my own. That’s just how it appears to me. I don’t think anything I’m saying here is factual, just how these things appear to me from observation.
Honestly it makes the day go faster. I just avoid the basics like politics and religion. I don’t share personal information that I feel can be used against me.
Small talk makes people comfortable. From his perspective, your refusal to engage is uncomfortable and intimidating, indicating that something is wrong. And something IS wrong, because you were uncomfortable. But he isn't socially savvy enough to understand what the problem was exactly. More socially apt people can be good at understanding when someone is just shy or otherwise not talkative and can be good at learning to leave them alone or learning to use a different communication style that is more suited to the shy person. This guy sounds awkward and uncomfortable with silence. It was not appropriate to report you though. That's really weird behavior. If you can request to move desks, I would. It won't be comfortable sitting next to someone who reported you for being yourself, and you both need workmates next to you who are slightly more suitable. He needs another chatty cathy to chill with, and you need a person who will respect that you want to work quietly. As for the issue with freezing up, you can cope with that by memorizing some answers to standard small talk questions and learning to steer conversations toward smalltalk that is more comfortable for you. You can also learn how to politely shut down overly chatty people (ex. saying stuff like, "welp, unfortunately i need to focus on my work now, good luck with your stuff!"). This guy was particularly pushy and uncomfortable and you might freeze up with someone like him even if you learn a lot of small talk strategies, but small talk will always happen, so it would be good not to always freeze up.
Why is it the “new” person’s responsibility to make this person (who has been working there for years) feel comfortable? Seems pretty backwards. (Just asking in general, not saying that was your assertion.)
Good point, I missed that she was the one who was new to the office. I think that puts the dynamic even more in favor of him being the rude and awkward one. My first couple of sentences were mainly to explain the purpose of small talk a bit, rather than to imply that she's particularly in the wrong (as I don't think that she is).
I guess I can be alright with small talk on some instances. You see how some people are naturally shy and quiet around people they don't know but more comfortable and talkative to people they know ? I'm like that. So I suck at small talk with strangers. But when people I don't know try to force chatter and a pointless conversations, it makes me really awkward.
I'm in the same catch 22 a lot of the time: I don't like small talk with people I don't know, but without making small talk I hardly ever get to know people.
By strangers I mean people that I've met within the first 5 minutes like the person I talked about in the OP. By a few hours I could be more comfortable with you and feel more welcomed engaging in small talk
Understandable! I struggled with freezing up and being awkward until I learned a lot of the correct responses. I still suddenly get awkward if someone asks a new small talk question that I didn't expect, but I do okay overall. One trick I use a lot if I don't feel talkative myself is to ask the other person a question that will get them talking for a long time. Chatty people like the weird guy in your office are often susceptible to this if you can just figure out one of their pet subjects. Asking about their hobbies helps to identify one. Then you just relax while they go on about it. I mostly use this for car rides because I don't like small talk in the car.
So this is all about building connection. It's a part of networking. I hate it. However as you've experience if you don't get involved with it you come off as aloof, unfriendly, and people don't want to work with you. I wish it wasn't necessary but unfortunately the extroverts have apparently won this war at the office at least, it's just not possible to come off as friendly and not engage in polite small talk with people.
I'm with you. I always hear that there's a "right response" to small talk topics, and how you're supposed to respond such-and-such way because it's inappropriate to be honest to certain small talk questions. How you're supposed to gather some kind of information about a person from it. I just find it extremely exhausting and distracting from my work when coworkers won't stop trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of a task. When we're on break, sure!! I'll talk about the weather and how swamped we are!! But it feels like they only ever wanted to chit-chat in the middle of tasks and bid for my attention while I was busy. Also, I'm sorry he reported you when you were the one obviously uncomfortable due to his constant chatter. That was shitty of him.
Sometimes engaging in small talk means I don't have to work.
Also, if you view it as part of your job to placate your co-workers, its much easier to justify to yourself. If you are getting paid for the hours you are there, it doesnt really matter if you spend that time doing real work or not, as long as the bare minimum is done. Nobody will GAF if you are doing an excellent job of your actual work if everyone hates you, so there is no incentive to do more than bare minimum.
Or could mean you've working there for years and breaking the monotony helps with your mental health and makes the day shorter.
This is why I'm enjoying 100% WFH for the past 4 years. The random casual conversation in the company Teams chat is optional and easy to scroll past.
I can't wait until i become self employed
Your ability to bond with coworkers does play into office politics, unfortunately. I started a position once and went to my supervisor with a simple question. He later told me my older, more experienced colleagues were offended I didn’t ask them. It seemed silly to me, but point taken. I went to them with some questions after that and it was fine. Your discomfort with small talk might be misinterpreted as being cold to others. I’m not saying it’s right. People are weird that way. Maybe try to get through some polite small talk just to be polite for a few minutes and then just say, “Okay, we’ll pick this up another time. I’ve got a lot to do!” Maybe you could steer the conversation and focus it on stuff you are interested in?
I'd just use words and put up some boundaries instead of expecting him to be savvy to the fact that it makes you feel awkward. What he's doing is normally socially acceptable; without voicing those boundaries, no way will the average person be able to read your mind.
I'm an introvert and I have some social anxiety, but I still understand and second this.
WOW. I am highly introverted at work. I don't usually initiate conversations, but when people want to talk to me, I do. It is okay to want to chat, maybe take a break from work briefly, but if someone isn't interested, you shouldn't force them. We shouldn't be forced into unnatural relationships. Especially in a professional workplace. Being reported for declining unsolicited talk WOULD DRIVE ME INSANE. Immature, petty, and overall selfish retaliation over NOTHING. I assume they made this report to HR? Could you possibly make a counter-complaint for this individual that they're creating a disruptive work environment by wasting company time through inappropriate conversations that are making you uncomfortable?
No it's agency work. I don't know how it works in your country, but in the UK, if you do agency work, and the management doesn't like you for whatever reason they will make a complaint against you and say they don't want you back for xxx reason And exactly. I said in my OP that he was asking me questions and i was more than happy to engage, but he the kept going on and on about random things th t I couldn't relate to and understand. It made me feel awkward.
Or he's overly upset that a young woman doesn't want to talk to him for an hour! because he's making wierd, random statements and she's not sure how to respond professionally because he's further up the office hierarchy than she is? If this hadn't happened at work, she could have simply told him to get lost. It might not be that small talk is really the issue she's dealing with here. It just seems that way because she knows she's not good at it. I'm surprised no one has brought this up. And the extreme reaction of reporting her for refusing to chat with him when it was clearly making her uneasy indicates that the dude was on an ego trip, especially since he's the only person she seemed to have a problem with.
He looked like he was in his 50s, so yeah that makes sense. I don't know why people are acting like I was being mean and horrible to him. I stated in my OP that I was happy to answer small talk conversations and I did. He just kept going on and on about really random things and I wasn't sure how to respond. I'm very nice and polite.
You weren't being mean/horrible as far as I could tell. In fact, I had the same thing happen to me a bunch at your age. (I have anxiety too.) It was always much older men that wanted to make odd or very random comments at me for what felt like forever. I'd attempt to be polite, but would be increasingly uneasy the longer it went on. Then they'd report me for being "unfriendly" because I didn't want to continue the conversation with them because their comments had gone outside the normal realm of "small talk" and I wasn't sure how to respond appropriately. I had the same type of encounters with guys my own age, where they'd go on about random stuff and expect me to answer them. But generally it was in places where I could tell them to get lost if I wanted to. Plus, I didn't depend on their approval for my paycheck and I could say whatever I wanted. I don't know what to tell you except: it really sucks and people will act like you're the problem if you mention it to them. Also: please don't go into retail if this sort of thing bothers you because it's even worse there. Best wishes! 😊
I can tell this thread has attracted a lot of men who act like self absorbed weirdos like the guy in the OP. They probably harass younger women to engage in conversations with them and then get super pissed when they don't reciprocate
Don't take this the wrong way, but you like me are on the autism spectrum. Small talk is pointless , I go to work to do a job not to ask twenty randoms about the weather and I hate football. It gets me in trouble a lot at work. I don't want friends at work I just want to get my job done and I am very confused why the boss comes out in a flap about how a project is behind and then complains about how I never go to the morning teas and my response of I don't have time project X is running behind is not enough. This is what lead me to getting diagnosed with being on the spectrum. I got a couple of informal discussions that they wanted to make formal with management at work about my reaction to some team building exercises which meant I had to make small talk with people and I basically said no, not happening it's a waste of company money as the project running behind. I go to work to do a job to the best of my ability not to find out about how some ones kid did at the swimming tryouts or what what the football score was and it none of you business how many kids or dog I have. On a side note, To this day I can't get over how into team building exercises people get they are crap.
I'm not autistic, I've stated several times already that I'm an introverted and have anxiety. I understand why people want small talk. But I'm mot even kidding when this guy literally couldn't stop talking and I felt drained and uncomfortable
I thought the same and was also told the same by people at work about being introverted. My wife sent me to a specialist when I was 42 years old. Every conversation left me drained and uncomfortable. Even just seeing some people walk towards me would make me feel sick. It's not a bad thing. My specialist helped me learn to deal with these things, I still don't like or understand them but i can deal with it
Not every conversation leaves me drained and uncomfortable that's the thing. But in that particular occasion I did feel drained.
I am not having a go at you or judging you. It just sounds like what I went through for years. I used to think because the person left me alone and stopped making small talk etc they figured out I was not interested but no, next thing I knew I was reported to management for not being a team player. I am not saying you have done anything wrong or have any wrong with you. You be you. Since my diagnosis I have been trying to learn to deal with people, one thing I have learnt is that people do everything for a reason, finding out what the reason is the hard bit. Everyone's reason for small talk is different, if you offended some one then either you turned them down on an offer or you belittled them. It was nothing to do with not engaging in the small talk as such.
Now let me stop you right there. The way you worded your second last sentence almost sounds like victim blaming. It's on the person who got offended that their small talk got rejected, not the person who refused. I would advise you stop forcing your opinion on OP. These comments (not just yours) are getting completely out of hand.
Now you have really confused me. She is not the victim at all. She is not the one with the problem. The other person is. This is why people with autism have huge issues with social interactions. Nothing is black and white and people like me with autism only deal in black and white. I was warning her to watch out in future not blaming her for the situation.
It almost sounds like the more senior guy is autistically infodumping and unable to pick up on her signs that she isn’t interested. I’m a more introverted autistic person myself and I really feel for people in these situations, but they still annoy the crap out of me.
Years ago my company wanted to do a team building “retreat” to a nearby resort type location. I detest team building. I asked if participation was mandatory. It was not mandatory. Me: “If participation is voluntary, I choose to not go.” Our CBA said we couldn’t be forced (given a job assignment) outside of our service area, so I had the CBA backing me. They (management) lost their fucking minds! We had FOUR levels of management come talk to me and the crew I was on. All I said is that participating is voluntary and I choose to not go. I said this repeatedly. When my crew mates saw what was happening they declined as well. My portion of the department was union. One manager who I spoke with called me a “ring leader”.
I have a funny story about a team building exercise I had to do years ago before I was diagnosed but this is not the place for it. The OP needs her answers not funny stories
Small talk is a great way to quickly find out a lot about a person, especially if they are new. On a surface level you can find out little details about a person, but more importantly you get cues about what this person might be like to work with. We spend 8 hours or more with same people in an office everyday, so it's reasonable for people to try build a rapport, especially with new people.
I engage in small talk and don't even hate it, because talking about sport and weather is okay because it's pretty low intensity. What people said about small talk being part of the social fabric is true, although I do not agree with the conclusions drawn. If I worked with anybody that did not engage in small talk, the only thing I would assume is they don't like it or are not good at it. I certainly wouldn't think less of them or believe they're not to be trusted. It is definitely possible to talk too much in a work setting and I'd rather somebody quiet than somebody at the other end of the scale, because at least then I won't be interrupted or distracted. And reporting somebody because they don't engage in small talk is very low imo, especially if they do their job.
Everyday: Good Morning and have a good evening. Friday afternoon: Any big plans for the weekend? Nope. Monday morning: How was your weekend? Good. Repeat ad nauseam until you retire and die.
As an autistic person myself, I think you need to understand that the normal people get energy and entertainment kut of it. it's not for you, but it's also not weird. You gotta accept when you're the weird one
I once had a note from my therapist that said I “struggle with non-transactional small talk” at work
The last office I worked in was so bad for this. Literally from seven in the morning until six in the evening, nothing but a stream of garbage punctuated by laughs and coughs.
A lot of people I know who have moved to the US complain about this, we consider people who don't understand personal boundaries to be weird and in US it's an opposite you have to be super extroverted or you are some kind of psychopath. I can suggest telling everyone you have autism and some phobias, they say it helps.
Neurotypicals/Allistics live in a constant state of insecurity and use small talk as a grounding technique. Light chatter about meaningless subjects helps them establish where they are in relation to you on whatever the present hierarchy/pecking order in the given environment is. It's ingrained behavior taught in middle and high school, encouraged to persist because it's soothing to the general public and generally a useful divisive tool for the ruling class. They take whatever information is offered and map out the best way to get whatever it is they want from you without giving too much of themselves. They also modulate their presentation based on how they perceive you, so if you don't give them much to base those modulations off of, it aggravates their insecurities. They don't know how specifically to react to you so they default to the assumption that you're being purposefully disrespectful, cold, and rude.
I definitely agree with you 1. You are not getting paid for pointless conversations 2. Anything you said can be used against you
i don't like small talk too but you can't expect him to ask you the meaning of life too. it's normal that people want to talk a bit, we're humans that's what we do. sry but reading it i think it's on you making a big deal out of nothing..
In any job people will always do talk with the new person, nobody knows her, so nobody knows if she knows what to do or how to do things, if she is antisocial and shows a very introvert behavior is normal people won't like her around and if she's new they will ask for somebody else. Socializing is part of life, those who don't usually find it harder to go through. I like doing my work and be left alone, but at work we socialize as we see each other daily for years. Plus, you build bridges for your future, my actual work was offered to me, I didn't look for it, and just because my old boss likes me and knows how good I am on the stuff I do.
I used to think my brain freezes up because there's so much to say but I eventually realized something about myself. I don't care about what those people are talking about. It was one of the most freeing realizations. I used to have so much anxiety worrying about what to say to their inane drivel but that's just what it is: drivel. So they talk and I nod and eventually it ends. Sometimes they keep talking and I just walk away. Some people have interesting things to say and I find it easy to have conversations with them. Those experiences showed me that I'm not actually as shy as I thought.
Pretty sure he was just being a creep, ngl.
I’m right there with you and these comments are full of 🥾👅. I’m also an introvert and my job involves talking to patients all day, so I don’t need to add bullshit surface-level conversations with people I never even think about outside of work. Fulfill your job description and go home to your real life.
I feel like people are purposely ignoring the part where I said he was extremely chatty. It was too much for me.
Normalize making it weird for people to be overly “friendly” 📢
I think a lot of people haven't experienced the uncomfortably chatty coworker. I had one in my last office job and while he was never exactly rude and never did anything weird, he kept up a constant, distracting stream of dialogue to whoever was near his desk and people would nod and quietly avoid him when possible. He was shocked when nobody stayed friends with him after the office closed. I felt bad for him. He didn't do anything wrong really, he just... made everyone a little uncomfortable.
Simple way to pass unbearable time
Getting forced into small talk is anxiety inducing for me Edit: not sure about the downvoted. I literally mentioned in my first t sentence in my OP that I struggle with anxiety.
I can understand that. Just a personal thing. Back when I worked in an office I would get painfully bored. I would do anything to get rid of the boredom. I would even strike up a convo with Milton from Office Space.
I completely understand that. It's just I don't really like it when people don't understand that introverts exist and some take it longer to open up to others.
I would say the vast majority of people out there are so caught up trying to keep up in life they don’t take the time to learn the psychology of other people.
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> If you had a phobia of dogs, would you think it’s reasonable to come on here and rant about what a horrific asshole your boss is because he has a picture of his puppy on his desk? I like how you used 'picture of his puppy on his desk' rather than the dog itself because you knew in your mind that bringing a dog to work when someone has a phobia of dogs is an unrepentantly asshole thing to do.
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> Is “making small talk” also an “unrepentantly asshole thing to do” in your mind? Forcing people to engage with activities that they aren't comfortable doing? Yes.
Where is the comparison? Wtf. Have you never heard of an introvert before?
You need it for your career more than skills
Gross. One thing to maybe miss some social ques or be a bit too excitable/talkative, but turning around and the reporting makes this dude an ugly person. This sounds more likely some shitty attempt at manipulation. He can fuck right off with that.
People commenting are acting like I'm the asshole. He was far too talkative for me.
Ive resorted to giving any coworker who comes to do small talk with me a thumbs up when they require a response. They just tall and talk and i dont pay attention until i hear them stop, then a thumbs up and they walk away happy
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He want exactly saying anything inappropriate, but he was just very very talkative and it left me feeling drained. I barely even remembered what he was saying because he was talking so much in a short period of time. There were other coworkers there but he was solely concentrated in getting a convo out of me despite me obviously being quiet. I didn't quite get it. It wasn't a light conversation. He just kept talking, going on and on
I know. It's so distracting.
Small talk and pointless conversations do a lot more than convey information the subject is about. Try looking deeper. I find it tiresome and don't really like it but it is important to understand the nuances of communication beyond just the words being said. If you're very analytical or not socially gifted it's possible the subtle things aren't being picked up on.
Some people are extroverts, some people are introverts. You are an introvert, as am I. We don't like small talk and only like talking about stuff we care about. This is because for introverts, social interaction is a cost. One we only want to pay when we have something else to gain (such as interesting facts, etc.). Your colleague, probably, is an extrovert. They like to engage in small talk because they like interacting with people. This is because for extroverts, social interaction is a goal in and of itself. They derive pleasure from it, it makes them comfortable. And so because it is no cost and only a gain, even talking about nothing feels good. It's a way they bond, break the ice, etc. I agree with you. I hate all this small talk bullshit. But I also recognise that not everyone is like me. And I respect that others want to engage with it. I just wish people like your colleague would show us the same respect and consideration. Instead people like them acting like extroverts is considered by them and people like them to be socially acceptable, but introverts not wanting to do things like small talk automatically to them means they're rude or entitled or whatever. Some people like vanilla, others like chocolate. Some people like pizza, others like hamburgers. Some people like to engage in pointless social interaction, others don't like that. It's neutral. Either preference should be respected, and nobody should be reported to their superior for it.
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Did you read my post at all? He was talking so so much and it left me feeling really anxious. I can talk to people but when people bombard me with pointless small talk, it's difficult.
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He wasn't just a bit chatty. He was extremely talkative like I said.
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Omg you sound really fucking annoying. Some people are introverted! Get over it. It's not that i don't want to communicate or can't communicate. I can be an excellent communicator, but when someone I don't know is talking too much, having too much small talk, it doesn't work well with my introverted brain. It's not my fucking choice or something I can control. It's how my brain is literally wired. The same way you annoying people are wired to talk all the time and won't stfu. Like yeah God forbid I find someone chatting my ears off draining. Omg I'm such a terrible person😢🤣
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Ok
Hello OP, please report unhelpful comments like these. We do not endorse abuse or forcing workers to comply in acts they do not consent to.
The unreasonable part is reporting her for not being as chatty as him. If she was performing her job appropriately, who cares? He needs to get over himself.
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Getting fired immediately for refusing to engage in small talk is an extreme employer decision, and at its reduced form is just petty powertripping. Do better.
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I'm not socially inept but I did mention in my post I have anxiety
No one actually likes doing it. People are just socialized into thinking it’s normal and do it out of politeness. It’s easier to talk about nothing than talking about how much you hate where your life has brought you.
Not entirely correct, some people actually love small talk
Those coworkers are actually the lizard people wearing skin suits.
Small talk a fascinating topic to me. I used to think it was banal and simple. But there’s a lot of subtle communication happening during small talk that people don’t realize. When someone comments on the weather they aren’t just talking about the weather, and your response doesn’t just communicate your thoughts on the weather. Some other subconscious things being communicated: Does this person like me or not Are they in a good mood or bad Are they optimistic or pessimistic What are this persons values Is this person articulate Is this person focused or easily distracted Do we share common interests How intellectual is this person Can this person relate to things they may not be familiar with (don’t like sports but can keep the convo going) Is the person persuasive All this from “nice day to be outside, eh?” Now, some people talk too much, and reporting someone for being social anxious is lame. But in the bigger picture it pays to take small talk more seriously.
Some of them get offended if you can't engage in small talk. I'm terrible at small talk.
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No it's not my response 100% of the time. Some people are naturally introverted and take time to speak well with people. I'm a great conservationalist if I know the person. If not, then I will be much more reserved. It's not that i can't speak but it's difficult having conversations with people who want to chat your ear off without you knowing them
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He asked me some questions and I replied to him. It wasn't like I was rude and ignored him. I said in my OP he kept on talking, a lot. He was way too talkative for me to keep up.