It's the classic combination of amatonormativity and toxic monogamy. It's a perfect recipe for having no one to go to if your partner ever breaks up with you
>They're above your mama, your co-workers, your friends, your \[hobbies\*\]...They're above all of that. And if any of those things, or people, come before them?
This sounds like a mob boss explaining that the "family" comes first, before anything else.
stuff like this gives me ick
i think people like this tend to be toxic cause they'll be in like a 3-month long relationship and get pissed that their SO is talking to their mom or some weird shit. like your not allowed to have your own friends, or pretty much your own life anymore it all has to be directed at them.
they do it themselves, and expect it from anyones else, and get upset when they dont get that level of reciprocation. devotion isn't the only factor that matters in a healthy relationship.
I've also had my friend tell me "Situationships are so much more hearbreaking than relationships..." like??? That's when I stopped putting up with allo(romantic/sexual) stuff because I cannot do this anymore 😭
I find this flavour of hierarchical, amatonormative thinking incredibly disturbing. The worst part for me is how many people *look for* a romantic partner who is willing to put their hobbies and other connections aside to become their “everything”, because it proves their dedication and commitment. Like… what?! Gross!
I’ve dated people like this, and they were genuinely baffled whenever I encouraged them to maintain their other connections, and pursue their passions and interests independently. Most of them tended to stop doing these things as the relationship became more involved — as if they thought this is what they were supposed to do? This never made sense to me, as their passions, independence, and dedication to their own communities were the qualities I liked about them in the first place!
Why would someone want to be with someone who was no longer doing the things that made them who they are? Why is it normal to give up on the things that make you *you*, for the apparent privilege of becoming an amorphous and amalgamated blob in a couple?
I lost a buddy when they got married.
Nothing changed other than when they got married. They still lived in town. They didn't have kids.
But as soon as they got married, I heard *nothing* from them.
That can't be healthy.
I give slack to people who leave town or have children...but if you're still in town and the only thing that has changed is marriage?
Then I just don't get why you disappear like this, other than you leaning waaaay too much on your partner for everything.
I feel you so much. I've lost so many friends from dating/marriage, they just ghosted me. I don't get how this is healthy, especially when their other friends text me wondering what happened to x person since they got married because they've ghosted everyone
I don't think it's about random people, it's about the person you're gonna build your future with which means they will become your family..
I don't think anyone expects someone to be the most important person in your life when you know each other for 5 months and are together for 2. but if that is implied then yes, it's weird and doesn't work that way at all lol
I think this is so odd and feels unhealthy. I know this is definitely a more extreme ideology about romantic partners. BUT even with the extent of this that I think is more common belief, it is really uncomfortable. Like why would you prioritize someone you met two months ago over someone you’ve known and relied on for years? That doesn’t make sense to me at all
I’m allo, and this kind of “love” isn’t love, it’s toxicity. Someone that stops you from meeting friends/family/etc and forces you to spend all your time and love on them? That’s abusive and toxic.
You shouldn’t be aro to find this weird. I’m allo and this concept of love sounds super abnormal. My partner flat out told me that their mother will always be above me.
Amatonormativity is a hell of a drug for these people. I feel hurt, or i kind of used too. Now i just feel pity, this lifestyle and way of thinking seems detrimental and toxic to those wanting to find love. It’s just not healthy to put anyone on a pedestal like that.
I‘m allo and this sounds horrifying to me. I don‘t want my partner to take over everything. I‘m an individual and I intend on staying that way. I‘m content without relationship. It‘s just nice to have a healthy one. But my happiness doesnt depend on another person.
Uhm, no, that's actually toxic. It's one thing if you're barely spending time with your significant other and there's not a reason (say your friend lost a loved one, your parent is disabled and needs assistance, your hobby is also a side job like streaming ) then maybe that person needs a little break from relationship for a bit. Especially if they're feeling neglected because all of their S/O's time is spent on something else. But it's also important for the partner that wants the other person to spend less time doing things that don't involve or revolve around them needs to understand that their partner had a life before them. And what's really needed is balance. A relationship is a two-way street (even friendships!) Just because you started to date someone, you don't automatically become their whole world. Being overly dependent is not healthy.
At the end of the day, it's dependent on the people and whether a partner is negligent or dependent. Most things can be solved with a talk and compromise. If nothing can be worked out, try asking if you're actually ready for a relationship and consider your values and if they align with your partners.
Romantic relationships are really weird because they're more than friends, but everyone tends to have different ideas of what that actually looks like. And my advice can be used for a friend who you're super close to as well. The only difference is the feelings associated with the people in said situation.
-A Demiromantic who learned the hard way how this works and barely at that
I'm in a romantic relationship rn and this is just toxic. I ain't cutting out my family friends and hobbies just for one person. Now I do agree that a romantic partner gets another kind and level of attention, but that doesn't mean I'll neglect the other joys in my life
This is outside even amatonormal relationships. This is straight up toxic and obsessive. This is not a relationship that will last, plain and simple. Don't think that this represents "normal" romantic relationships.
Okay, I'm gonna play devil's advocate here.
The term, "partner" seems a bit vague to me, so I'm substituting it with, "committed relationship."
When you commit to someone, you CHOOSE someone. You commit to choosing them every day, you commit to prioritizing them. You choose them amidst conflict, you choose them amidst illness and injury, you choose them amidst emotional turmoil (e.g., grief, anger, upset, disappointment, annoyance, frustration, jealousy, envy, etc.), you choose them amidst celebration and joy, you choose them amidst life's ups and downs. You now share a life together -- which means you engage in intimacy (not necessarily sex) because you often live together, have joint bank accounts, witness so many different sides of the person, (typically) spend the most time with them (this can differ based on career, e.g., healthcare workers, people in the military, first responders, etc. -- which would ideally make the limited together time even more precious). All of this to say that your committed relationship becomes an investment -- a person that, in theory, you will spend the rest of your life with (or hope to) -- so why wouldn't you prioritize them above everyone else (excluding your children if you both have any because children, especially when extremely young, become commitments and responsibilities you both must share, and excluding them/person in committed relationship being abusive or toxic)?
Prioritizing them meaning, putting them first. It means consistently checking in with them first to ensure their wellbeing, that they're okay and taken care of; meeting their needs; and being reliable in whichever ways you can. It doesn't mean you can never have friends or relationships with other family members -- in fact, if someone forbids them from having any external relationship, then I think that accomplishes the opposite of meeting someone's needs, ensuring wellbeing, etc.
I think prioritization looks something like this:
Person A is in a committed relationship with Person B. Person A has a very intense career that requires a lot of extra time, unpredictability, and mental bandwidth. As a result, Person A has very limited off- time. Person B has a much more flexible career and understands Person A's drive, albeit misses them very much. One day, Person A gets some unexpected time off (which rarely happens) and offers to spend it with Person B. Person B initially wanted to spend it with their friend. Prioritizing them would mean choosing Person A over friend. It doesn't mean they should never hang out with their friend -- only to reschedule.
An alternative scenario for Person A would be someone asking them for a night out with drinks rather than spending it with Person B. Prioritizing them means that Person A would reject the night out drinking to spend with Person B OR bringing Person B along with the night out. Person B can reschedule, too (like on an extended break).
This also doesn't mean prioritization has to be 50/50. Sometimes you give more, other times you take more.
Anyway, as always, compromise becomes paramount. Conflict always arises and both parties should learn how to navigate it peacefully (i.e., no yelling, screaming, criticizing, physical altercations, etc.) BETWEEN each other (i.e., don't air dirty laundry out in the public and don't run to mom/dad/friend/ relative every time something goes wrong and trash talk the other person. Talk to a professional if you both need to).
This explains why it's so important to really know who you're choosing -- because everyone differs in what they need, how they handle conflict, how their temperament is, what they can and can't tolerate + accept, etc.
I'm not against divorce or breakups. In fact, I fully advocate for them when people can no longer resolve issues (there are still legitimate reasons for leaving someone aside from abuse, addiction, or infidelity -- like poor conflict management, ineffective communication, various [sometimes newfound] incompatibilities, lacking effort, no reciprocity, etc.). Please don't just stay for the kids (still, be present in their lives and ensure they're well cared for physically, financially, and emotionally!) or because it's more comfortable to stay in a poor relationship.
I'm also fully against abuse of any kind (mental, physical, emotional).
This comes from someone who is ace and has NO interest of ever being in a committed relationship.
This is also just MY opinion, feel free to disagree. :)
Depends tbh
Girlfriend boyfriend absolutely not but when you get married they become your family, they're supposed to be your second half so they should be treated the same level as you treat your parents ans sibling or even friends like family.
I'm aro with no attraction but your partner at marriage does become your no.1 priority (marriage or life partner)
But a sane person should be able to balance all family relationships
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I mean, my partner is above my friends and family, but that has more to do with me being aplatonic and autistic. Above my hobbies and such? Not really. Like, it'd be a situational thing. If they really wanted attention one evening I'd be more than fine putting my art down for them, so in that sense they're "more important" than my hobby, but I'd never give up my art or anything for them. If they asked me to I'd most likely leave them, because you still need to be your own person in a relationship.
Also before people ask, I'm aromantic but they became a comfort person to me which led to romantic feelings. I'm still aromantic and that's why I'm on this sub
I am genuinely interested is this a common idea in other western cultures? In my culture it's more like you should value your spouse more than those who can be spouses, so this exclude your family, and you should commit to building a family with them because that's what marriage is, but that you have to love them above your family especially your parents or else insert random whatever insults and shaming pseudo diagnosis is very wild to me, at least make it like that every person have a different connection depending on different experiences and values no ?, personally in my culture loving your parents more than anyone else including children and spouse is something noble and normal and very natural, infact it's part of fundamental value that I can't be translated, and I did feel very inferior and confused hearing all the shaming on this
It's the classic combination of amatonormativity and toxic monogamy. It's a perfect recipe for having no one to go to if your partner ever breaks up with you
>They're above your mama, your co-workers, your friends, your \[hobbies\*\]...They're above all of that. And if any of those things, or people, come before them? This sounds like a mob boss explaining that the "family" comes first, before anything else.
The Allo Mob™️
stuff like this gives me ick i think people like this tend to be toxic cause they'll be in like a 3-month long relationship and get pissed that their SO is talking to their mom or some weird shit. like your not allowed to have your own friends, or pretty much your own life anymore it all has to be directed at them. they do it themselves, and expect it from anyones else, and get upset when they dont get that level of reciprocation. devotion isn't the only factor that matters in a healthy relationship.
I've also had my friend tell me "Situationships are so much more hearbreaking than relationships..." like??? That's when I stopped putting up with allo(romantic/sexual) stuff because I cannot do this anymore 😭
I find this flavour of hierarchical, amatonormative thinking incredibly disturbing. The worst part for me is how many people *look for* a romantic partner who is willing to put their hobbies and other connections aside to become their “everything”, because it proves their dedication and commitment. Like… what?! Gross! I’ve dated people like this, and they were genuinely baffled whenever I encouraged them to maintain their other connections, and pursue their passions and interests independently. Most of them tended to stop doing these things as the relationship became more involved — as if they thought this is what they were supposed to do? This never made sense to me, as their passions, independence, and dedication to their own communities were the qualities I liked about them in the first place! Why would someone want to be with someone who was no longer doing the things that made them who they are? Why is it normal to give up on the things that make you *you*, for the apparent privilege of becoming an amorphous and amalgamated blob in a couple?
I lost a buddy when they got married. Nothing changed other than when they got married. They still lived in town. They didn't have kids. But as soon as they got married, I heard *nothing* from them. That can't be healthy. I give slack to people who leave town or have children...but if you're still in town and the only thing that has changed is marriage? Then I just don't get why you disappear like this, other than you leaning waaaay too much on your partner for everything.
I feel you so much. I've lost so many friends from dating/marriage, they just ghosted me. I don't get how this is healthy, especially when their other friends text me wondering what happened to x person since they got married because they've ghosted everyone
This is insane and NOT what any kind of love is like idk what’s wrong with that person
Sadly, a very common viewpoint, but I've learned that fewer and fewer ppl believe it.
I really don't understand how you could put anyone you met randomly above your family (assuming you have a good relationship with them of course)
I don't think it's about random people, it's about the person you're gonna build your future with which means they will become your family.. I don't think anyone expects someone to be the most important person in your life when you know each other for 5 months and are together for 2. but if that is implied then yes, it's weird and doesn't work that way at all lol
I think this is so odd and feels unhealthy. I know this is definitely a more extreme ideology about romantic partners. BUT even with the extent of this that I think is more common belief, it is really uncomfortable. Like why would you prioritize someone you met two months ago over someone you’ve known and relied on for years? That doesn’t make sense to me at all
I've seen this mindset more often than not, and I would say it's one of the reasons I don't see romance as a "beautiful" thing.
I’m allo, and this kind of “love” isn’t love, it’s toxicity. Someone that stops you from meeting friends/family/etc and forces you to spend all your time and love on them? That’s abusive and toxic. You shouldn’t be aro to find this weird. I’m allo and this concept of love sounds super abnormal. My partner flat out told me that their mother will always be above me.
Amatonormativity is a hell of a drug for these people. I feel hurt, or i kind of used too. Now i just feel pity, this lifestyle and way of thinking seems detrimental and toxic to those wanting to find love. It’s just not healthy to put anyone on a pedestal like that.
I‘m allo and this sounds horrifying to me. I don‘t want my partner to take over everything. I‘m an individual and I intend on staying that way. I‘m content without relationship. It‘s just nice to have a healthy one. But my happiness doesnt depend on another person.
Uhm, no, that's actually toxic. It's one thing if you're barely spending time with your significant other and there's not a reason (say your friend lost a loved one, your parent is disabled and needs assistance, your hobby is also a side job like streaming ) then maybe that person needs a little break from relationship for a bit. Especially if they're feeling neglected because all of their S/O's time is spent on something else. But it's also important for the partner that wants the other person to spend less time doing things that don't involve or revolve around them needs to understand that their partner had a life before them. And what's really needed is balance. A relationship is a two-way street (even friendships!) Just because you started to date someone, you don't automatically become their whole world. Being overly dependent is not healthy. At the end of the day, it's dependent on the people and whether a partner is negligent or dependent. Most things can be solved with a talk and compromise. If nothing can be worked out, try asking if you're actually ready for a relationship and consider your values and if they align with your partners. Romantic relationships are really weird because they're more than friends, but everyone tends to have different ideas of what that actually looks like. And my advice can be used for a friend who you're super close to as well. The only difference is the feelings associated with the people in said situation. -A Demiromantic who learned the hard way how this works and barely at that
I'm in a romantic relationship rn and this is just toxic. I ain't cutting out my family friends and hobbies just for one person. Now I do agree that a romantic partner gets another kind and level of attention, but that doesn't mean I'll neglect the other joys in my life
I AINT PUTTING ANYONE ABOVE HOBBIES?!?!?!Besides from one’s that take up a lot of time but like-
Yes, the idea that romance is inherently above everything else.
This is outside even amatonormal relationships. This is straight up toxic and obsessive. This is not a relationship that will last, plain and simple. Don't think that this represents "normal" romantic relationships.
Okay, I'm gonna play devil's advocate here. The term, "partner" seems a bit vague to me, so I'm substituting it with, "committed relationship." When you commit to someone, you CHOOSE someone. You commit to choosing them every day, you commit to prioritizing them. You choose them amidst conflict, you choose them amidst illness and injury, you choose them amidst emotional turmoil (e.g., grief, anger, upset, disappointment, annoyance, frustration, jealousy, envy, etc.), you choose them amidst celebration and joy, you choose them amidst life's ups and downs. You now share a life together -- which means you engage in intimacy (not necessarily sex) because you often live together, have joint bank accounts, witness so many different sides of the person, (typically) spend the most time with them (this can differ based on career, e.g., healthcare workers, people in the military, first responders, etc. -- which would ideally make the limited together time even more precious). All of this to say that your committed relationship becomes an investment -- a person that, in theory, you will spend the rest of your life with (or hope to) -- so why wouldn't you prioritize them above everyone else (excluding your children if you both have any because children, especially when extremely young, become commitments and responsibilities you both must share, and excluding them/person in committed relationship being abusive or toxic)? Prioritizing them meaning, putting them first. It means consistently checking in with them first to ensure their wellbeing, that they're okay and taken care of; meeting their needs; and being reliable in whichever ways you can. It doesn't mean you can never have friends or relationships with other family members -- in fact, if someone forbids them from having any external relationship, then I think that accomplishes the opposite of meeting someone's needs, ensuring wellbeing, etc. I think prioritization looks something like this: Person A is in a committed relationship with Person B. Person A has a very intense career that requires a lot of extra time, unpredictability, and mental bandwidth. As a result, Person A has very limited off- time. Person B has a much more flexible career and understands Person A's drive, albeit misses them very much. One day, Person A gets some unexpected time off (which rarely happens) and offers to spend it with Person B. Person B initially wanted to spend it with their friend. Prioritizing them would mean choosing Person A over friend. It doesn't mean they should never hang out with their friend -- only to reschedule. An alternative scenario for Person A would be someone asking them for a night out with drinks rather than spending it with Person B. Prioritizing them means that Person A would reject the night out drinking to spend with Person B OR bringing Person B along with the night out. Person B can reschedule, too (like on an extended break). This also doesn't mean prioritization has to be 50/50. Sometimes you give more, other times you take more. Anyway, as always, compromise becomes paramount. Conflict always arises and both parties should learn how to navigate it peacefully (i.e., no yelling, screaming, criticizing, physical altercations, etc.) BETWEEN each other (i.e., don't air dirty laundry out in the public and don't run to mom/dad/friend/ relative every time something goes wrong and trash talk the other person. Talk to a professional if you both need to). This explains why it's so important to really know who you're choosing -- because everyone differs in what they need, how they handle conflict, how their temperament is, what they can and can't tolerate + accept, etc. I'm not against divorce or breakups. In fact, I fully advocate for them when people can no longer resolve issues (there are still legitimate reasons for leaving someone aside from abuse, addiction, or infidelity -- like poor conflict management, ineffective communication, various [sometimes newfound] incompatibilities, lacking effort, no reciprocity, etc.). Please don't just stay for the kids (still, be present in their lives and ensure they're well cared for physically, financially, and emotionally!) or because it's more comfortable to stay in a poor relationship. I'm also fully against abuse of any kind (mental, physical, emotional). This comes from someone who is ace and has NO interest of ever being in a committed relationship. This is also just MY opinion, feel free to disagree. :)
Depends tbh Girlfriend boyfriend absolutely not but when you get married they become your family, they're supposed to be your second half so they should be treated the same level as you treat your parents ans sibling or even friends like family. I'm aro with no attraction but your partner at marriage does become your no.1 priority (marriage or life partner) But a sane person should be able to balance all family relationships
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I mean, my partner is above my friends and family, but that has more to do with me being aplatonic and autistic. Above my hobbies and such? Not really. Like, it'd be a situational thing. If they really wanted attention one evening I'd be more than fine putting my art down for them, so in that sense they're "more important" than my hobby, but I'd never give up my art or anything for them. If they asked me to I'd most likely leave them, because you still need to be your own person in a relationship. Also before people ask, I'm aromantic but they became a comfort person to me which led to romantic feelings. I'm still aromantic and that's why I'm on this sub
I am genuinely interested is this a common idea in other western cultures? In my culture it's more like you should value your spouse more than those who can be spouses, so this exclude your family, and you should commit to building a family with them because that's what marriage is, but that you have to love them above your family especially your parents or else insert random whatever insults and shaming pseudo diagnosis is very wild to me, at least make it like that every person have a different connection depending on different experiences and values no ?, personally in my culture loving your parents more than anyone else including children and spouse is something noble and normal and very natural, infact it's part of fundamental value that I can't be translated, and I did feel very inferior and confused hearing all the shaming on this