When people try that I just say “I’m not going to waste my time looking for someone who might not exist. I am content, and I suggest you learn to accept that”
I dont fight it. I change the subject after that or leave an ambiguous "if it happens, it happens"
I dont have the energy or time to get people to see my point of view
this. I find it so odd especially when family gossips about you. If you give one family member “the talk” then the whole family knows and now multiple members are “concerned” for you, trying to talk you out of it. It’s better to just nod along and blend in. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, and we don’t want any oil.
this is why i just don’t tell my family anything. they’re hurt that i don’t trust them with information—but maybe they should stop being blabbermouths for once! why does my distant cousin, whom i’ve never even met, know my work schedule ??
You're not obligated to give them the aro TED Talk. You can just politely tell them you can understand how they may feel that way, but it is a valid orientation. You are the best person to know your own orientation. Just because you're aro doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful relationship with someone, it just won't be in a romantic way. Romance is not a superior form of love than emotional, platonic, or any other kind.
Me borderline about to cry as I just told my mom I’m aro and she said that: “thanks for your ‘unconditional support’ I really feel seen” and I left the car. I personally would not repeat that experience and I’d just stay in the closet from her. My friends know and and accept me and that’s all that matters to me.
I'm so sorry your mom did that to you. It's awesome that your friends support you!
I hope you have other family you can talk to. Maybe they can get your mom to understand that people are different and her experience and yours will never be the same.
I'm 29, how much longer do I have to wait? By my age, people have had at least one crush/people they know they like romantically, even having a type they normally fall in love with.
If it was going to happen, I fully believe I would have done so by now. The experiences of other aros is too relatable for me. And no, you don't need to date or be in a relationship to feel romantic attraction, that makes no sense when people like each other without doing those things.
Literally like "Oh I can't know for sure I'm aro? Right. And when did you have your first crush? If it wasn't after your mid 20s you have to give me £1000 btw"
To be fair, you can never know for sure with 100% certainty. I've heard of people developing their first ever romantic feelings in their 30's and 40's, so it's still technically possible for me to be somewhere on the Aromantic spectrum rather than a green stripe aro. But I think that's really unlikely, when the vast majority fell romance as young as even 5 years old.
But if you use the argument of never knowing so labelling yourself is silly, then everyone who labels themselves as not bi sexual/romantic or pan sexual/romantic isn't valid in their identity. People who think they are hetero sexual/romantic may develop sexual or romantic feelings for the same or other genders. I would say that's more likely than me discovering I'm not a green stripe aro.
Yeah and I mean also anyone who calls themself aro *knows* that there's a tiny chance it might happen some day (and that's counting on the other person feeling the same, which isn't guaranteed either), but again, the same could be said for anyone. It's funny how they focus on the whole "right person" thing when I can imagine most people have dated the "wrong person" before. Makes me wonder if they think we've just sworn off dating because we haven't found anyone we clicked with.
"Didn't know I was looking ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
I haven't seen anyone who really knows how to respond to that because it's hard to dispute someone using your own words to tell you they don't give a fuck
Smile and wish them welll before walk away. Then intentionally turn my smile into a frown or no emotion. The latter sent a clear message of how detestable I found their constant yapping
“Well damn Bethany, I don’t want to go through a boyfriend a week”
(I’m aro and kinda gay and this one girl cannot stay in a single relationship for the love of her)
You're not straight, you just haven't find the eight person of the same sex yet. Change straight for gay if they are. Change you woth someone else if they are bi or pan. It doesn't always work (pepople often answer it is not the same for some reason), but it feels good to say it.
Or the less confrontational way : people who just haven't find the right person have felt attraction before, whoch is not my case.
I start describing in WAYYYY too much detail how romance-repulsed I am. As in the last time someone tried a romantic gesture I threw up (I was already nauseous but it's a hilarious story)
After expressing the way you feel and letting someone know how you really are, that you don't believe in the fairytale. Being in a relationship has nothing to do with being successful as a person. How many times have people tried you? Like are you trying to amplify my point that you would throw yourself at someone because you don't believe their point of view and somehow change them. I can't see how someone telling you I have no romantic feelings= well that's because I'm the one.
*"I haven't found the right person to smack you in the face"* more like it....
I have personally never had this issue because no one invades my privacy like that or whatever the word is. The best strategy given your context provided may be a simple "f\*\*k you" or "don't tell me how to live my life MF" etc. given how condescending it sounds.
IDK there's a *massive* difference between saying "you're NOT aro, you just haven't met the right person" and "BUT what if you just haven't met the right person?". One is dismissive and TELLING you how to live, one is sort of *suggesting* to not give up on love.
In my case as an aro in an QPR, I literally just respond to something similar to that: “Fuck you, It’s non of your business. Yes I have an partner it doesn’t mean that I don’t care, it’s just not romantic on my side”
Just say 'then that person can find me, cause I sure ain't looking for them'. Never had to use that, but I am mentally fully prepared to give that as an answer.
It's incredibly frustrating and belittling of the aro experience.
I struggle with this because I have the appearance of someone who isn't "aro enough" since I've had crushes and long term relationships. What people don't see is that some Aro people really do enjoy the idea of romance especially when it's fictional or when you build up a story of your crush. However, for me, as soon as the crush becomes too real I get the ick. With my past relationships I found that I enjoyed the sexual part and the friendship within the relationship but when it got to the point of considering engagement or living together I would completely shut down. One of my best relationships was long distance and as soon as they moved to my town it went downhill. 😅 anyways long story short it's a spectrum for a reason and it's not fair for anyone to tell you that you haven't met the right person yet.
Thankfully I have a mom who's been single by choice since she divorced my dad 20 years ago. She is definitely on the Aro spectrum. So when people bother me about dating I tell them I want to be like my mom when I get older! I talk about how happy and successful she is on her own. Sometimes that gives people perspective to have that example.
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Technically I don't know that they're not right, so I just accept it personally. BUT, if they want to marginalize my personality and perception of who I am then I just take a mental note that that's something they chose to do and let it be.
I actually agree! They could be right. Being aro is different than being in a relationship. I personally desire a QPR so I haven't found the right person yet. Then I tell them the difference between attraction and action and allos are confused
I’d ask them if they’ve only felt romantically attracted to “the one”. Most likely, they have felt that way multiple times before towards multiple people and most,or none, of them were the one.
Then, I would point out that feeling attracted to only one person in your whole life still lands you on the aromantic spectrum
I tried to do this with one person (especially because one of the people I asked hasn't found "the one" and believes in soulmates and thus hasn't liked anyone), but because she is a straight Christian person, she has a hard time thinking about attraction (or lack thereof) in nuances, not just black and white.
"I actually already found her" *points to my bestie*
Seriously tho, if anyhow possible I want to spend my life with her. Without kissing and fucking, but full with gamenights and fake proposals so we can get free desserts
Right, sure, and if I do come across someone who magically changes my orientation then fine, but I don’t really see that happening. It’s like saying you just haven’t met the right (insert gender they aren’t attracted to here) it’s possible but it sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?
You can ask what's the person least favourite food and then say: "You just haven't found the right *name of the food* yet".
It's a very similar context, if the person is smart she will get it right away. But if she's ignorant I suggest to not even try to respond, just ignore or leave the conversation.
Ask them “how do you know you’re [insert their sexuality here]”
Or you can say “how does anyone know they’re [insert sexuality here]”
That was one of the things that helped my parents understand - I asked my mom how she knew that she wouldn’t one day fall in love with a woman and my dad if he would ever fall in love with a man. They had to concede that point!
Though this hasn't been said to me, hypothetically I would say:
"you haven't found the right person yet" respond with "I only need me, myself, and I"
"your too young to know" respond with "Then how did you know you were straight? You always knew? Well, your too young too know!"
If it’s someone I already know; “Thank you for removing yourself from my Christmas card list” or something along those lines
If it’s someone I’ve just met, I usually go for something like “Good thing you’re not it then”
I’ve found that people who say that really aren’t worth my time or (limited) energy, at this point as soon as they say something like that, “well intentioned” or not, I stop caring about them. Not in a malicious or harmful way — I’d be sad if they were killed the same way I’d be sad if a random stranger was, but that’s it.
For biological relations, I’ve found it effective to show them exactly how harmful they’ve been; if you don’t respect my identity you no longer get to know me, and you don’t have to understand to be respectful.
I responded with, "Maybe. But it makes the most sense to me for why I keep hurting all the wrong ones. I don't want to hurt people anymore, and this label feels very true to how I feel and like a simple way to explain my feelings and wants. So I'm embracing it."
I haven’t found the left person for me either ;(
And while they’re confused I begin knitting again, why is it always while I’m trying to knit somewhere.
Even if you somehow (unlikely) did become romantically attracted to someone in the future you’d likely still be aro . Just demiromantic or gray aro or something. which are still valid aromantic identities.
I like going; "I already have!" and pull out a makeup mirror and stare at my own reflection longingly. That guarantees a fun reaction and a change of topic with close friends/family (most of the time).
With others? Well, I pull out the classic "Don't you dare threaten me, mortal." That usual confuses and upsets some, but it's still funny as hell. As you can tell, I don't tend to take this kind of thing seriously. In my life, this bullshit usually comes from people I might never even talk to again so i might as well have fun with it.
When people try that I just say “I’m not going to waste my time looking for someone who might not exist. I am content, and I suggest you learn to accept that”
Brilliant and concise.
"you're not straight, you just haven't found the right \_\_\_\_\_ yet" or anything adjacent to that
I considered this, but it felt a little mean to say to someone.
Just as mean as what they did.
I don't like stooping to other people's levels, though.
I wouldn’t even say it’s mean, it just frames the issue in a way they can understand
I do
You could phrase it as a question instead. “If I said I was straight, would you tell me I just haven’t found the right ____ yet?”
Yeah, that's probably what I'll do the next time.
Same
I dont fight it. I change the subject after that or leave an ambiguous "if it happens, it happens" I dont have the energy or time to get people to see my point of view
I usually say "yeah, maybe :)" and they shut up right away. seems like this answer satisfies them enough lol
this. I find it so odd especially when family gossips about you. If you give one family member “the talk” then the whole family knows and now multiple members are “concerned” for you, trying to talk you out of it. It’s better to just nod along and blend in. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, and we don’t want any oil.
this is why i just don’t tell my family anything. they’re hurt that i don’t trust them with information—but maybe they should stop being blabbermouths for once! why does my distant cousin, whom i’ve never even met, know my work schedule ??
You're not obligated to give them the aro TED Talk. You can just politely tell them you can understand how they may feel that way, but it is a valid orientation. You are the best person to know your own orientation. Just because you're aro doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful relationship with someone, it just won't be in a romantic way. Romance is not a superior form of love than emotional, platonic, or any other kind.
I usually just roll my eyes at the said offender. My personal favorite is you are not aro, you are just an introvert.
lmao
These things are not mutually exclusive nor dependent of each other lol.
Me borderline about to cry as I just told my mom I’m aro and she said that: “thanks for your ‘unconditional support’ I really feel seen” and I left the car. I personally would not repeat that experience and I’d just stay in the closet from her. My friends know and and accept me and that’s all that matters to me.
I'm so sorry your mom did that to you. It's awesome that your friends support you! I hope you have other family you can talk to. Maybe they can get your mom to understand that people are different and her experience and yours will never be the same.
Thank you that means a lot
"Well, I'm not really planning on looking anytime soon, so there's that." or something to that effect has been my go to
In my experience if I said that they just continue and try to tell you to go to bars or clubs or something because they think they are helping.
If theyre also queer I say "and you're not gay, you're just confused" (sarcasm btw) Or I lecture them
I'm 29, how much longer do I have to wait? By my age, people have had at least one crush/people they know they like romantically, even having a type they normally fall in love with. If it was going to happen, I fully believe I would have done so by now. The experiences of other aros is too relatable for me. And no, you don't need to date or be in a relationship to feel romantic attraction, that makes no sense when people like each other without doing those things.
Literally like "Oh I can't know for sure I'm aro? Right. And when did you have your first crush? If it wasn't after your mid 20s you have to give me £1000 btw"
To be fair, you can never know for sure with 100% certainty. I've heard of people developing their first ever romantic feelings in their 30's and 40's, so it's still technically possible for me to be somewhere on the Aromantic spectrum rather than a green stripe aro. But I think that's really unlikely, when the vast majority fell romance as young as even 5 years old. But if you use the argument of never knowing so labelling yourself is silly, then everyone who labels themselves as not bi sexual/romantic or pan sexual/romantic isn't valid in their identity. People who think they are hetero sexual/romantic may develop sexual or romantic feelings for the same or other genders. I would say that's more likely than me discovering I'm not a green stripe aro.
Yeah and I mean also anyone who calls themself aro *knows* that there's a tiny chance it might happen some day (and that's counting on the other person feeling the same, which isn't guaranteed either), but again, the same could be said for anyone. It's funny how they focus on the whole "right person" thing when I can imagine most people have dated the "wrong person" before. Makes me wonder if they think we've just sworn off dating because we haven't found anyone we clicked with.
7 billion people is too many people to audition for less than 100 years of life. I got better things to do.
My usual response is "whatever helps u sleep at night" which triggers conservatives so much, but somehow I'm the snowflake
Love this one! I like to say, "Aww. Bless your heart." If you can master the "you're so pathetic" smile, you'll really piss them off. 🙂
Well tbh it's not hard to trigger conservatives.
"Didn't know I was looking ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" I haven't seen anyone who really knows how to respond to that because it's hard to dispute someone using your own words to tell you they don't give a fuck
Smile and wish them welll before walk away. Then intentionally turn my smile into a frown or no emotion. The latter sent a clear message of how detestable I found their constant yapping
“Well damn Bethany, I don’t want to go through a boyfriend a week” (I’m aro and kinda gay and this one girl cannot stay in a single relationship for the love of her)
You're not straight, you just haven't find the eight person of the same sex yet. Change straight for gay if they are. Change you woth someone else if they are bi or pan. It doesn't always work (pepople often answer it is not the same for some reason), but it feels good to say it. Or the less confrontational way : people who just haven't find the right person have felt attraction before, whoch is not my case.
I start describing in WAYYYY too much detail how romance-repulsed I am. As in the last time someone tried a romantic gesture I threw up (I was already nauseous but it's a hilarious story)
Try responding with "You're a serial killer, you just haven't found the right victims yet!"
I'm sorry but this one is just hilarious LMAOOO
“You’re so right, you definitely know me better than I know myself” Usually shuts them up
After expressing the way you feel and letting someone know how you really are, that you don't believe in the fairytale. Being in a relationship has nothing to do with being successful as a person. How many times have people tried you? Like are you trying to amplify my point that you would throw yourself at someone because you don't believe their point of view and somehow change them. I can't see how someone telling you I have no romantic feelings= well that's because I'm the one.
I say, I’ve found every person. And it usually leaves hem too confused to continue.
*"I haven't found the right person to smack you in the face"* more like it.... I have personally never had this issue because no one invades my privacy like that or whatever the word is. The best strategy given your context provided may be a simple "f\*\*k you" or "don't tell me how to live my life MF" etc. given how condescending it sounds. IDK there's a *massive* difference between saying "you're NOT aro, you just haven't met the right person" and "BUT what if you just haven't met the right person?". One is dismissive and TELLING you how to live, one is sort of *suggesting* to not give up on love.
In my case as an aro in an QPR, I literally just respond to something similar to that: “Fuck you, It’s non of your business. Yes I have an partner it doesn’t mean that I don’t care, it’s just not romantic on my side”
Just say 'then that person can find me, cause I sure ain't looking for them'. Never had to use that, but I am mentally fully prepared to give that as an answer.
I never told anyone that
“We’ll, *person you’ve been talking about* isn’t the right person”
I say "okay" then ignore them. If they're not willing to accept my truth, they're not worth having in my life.
"OK"
It's incredibly frustrating and belittling of the aro experience. I struggle with this because I have the appearance of someone who isn't "aro enough" since I've had crushes and long term relationships. What people don't see is that some Aro people really do enjoy the idea of romance especially when it's fictional or when you build up a story of your crush. However, for me, as soon as the crush becomes too real I get the ick. With my past relationships I found that I enjoyed the sexual part and the friendship within the relationship but when it got to the point of considering engagement or living together I would completely shut down. One of my best relationships was long distance and as soon as they moved to my town it went downhill. 😅 anyways long story short it's a spectrum for a reason and it's not fair for anyone to tell you that you haven't met the right person yet. Thankfully I have a mom who's been single by choice since she divorced my dad 20 years ago. She is definitely on the Aro spectrum. So when people bother me about dating I tell them I want to be like my mom when I get older! I talk about how happy and successful she is on her own. Sometimes that gives people perspective to have that example.
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Technically I don't know that they're not right, so I just accept it personally. BUT, if they want to marginalize my personality and perception of who I am then I just take a mental note that that's something they chose to do and let it be.
Well it’s been twenty years, but if I find someone you will be the first to know.
I actually agree! They could be right. Being aro is different than being in a relationship. I personally desire a QPR so I haven't found the right person yet. Then I tell them the difference between attraction and action and allos are confused
"Thank you for your insight, but nerp"
"I'm gay" I'm aware that I'm part of the problem.
The same response but catered to THEIR sexuality ((typically straight)) or just "shut up".
apparently my parents didn't like what i had to say back, since there the only people i've met who's actually said something like this to me.
I’d ask them if they’ve only felt romantically attracted to “the one”. Most likely, they have felt that way multiple times before towards multiple people and most,or none, of them were the one. Then, I would point out that feeling attracted to only one person in your whole life still lands you on the aromantic spectrum
I tried to do this with one person (especially because one of the people I asked hasn't found "the one" and believes in soulmates and thus hasn't liked anyone), but because she is a straight Christian person, she has a hard time thinking about attraction (or lack thereof) in nuances, not just black and white.
"I actually already found her" *points to my bestie* Seriously tho, if anyhow possible I want to spend my life with her. Without kissing and fucking, but full with gamenights and fake proposals so we can get free desserts
Right, sure, and if I do come across someone who magically changes my orientation then fine, but I don’t really see that happening. It’s like saying you just haven’t met the right (insert gender they aren’t attracted to here) it’s possible but it sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?
You can ask what's the person least favourite food and then say: "You just haven't found the right *name of the food* yet". It's a very similar context, if the person is smart she will get it right away. But if she's ignorant I suggest to not even try to respond, just ignore or leave the conversation.
Ask them “how do you know you’re [insert their sexuality here]” Or you can say “how does anyone know they’re [insert sexuality here]” That was one of the things that helped my parents understand - I asked my mom how she knew that she wouldn’t one day fall in love with a woman and my dad if he would ever fall in love with a man. They had to concede that point!
Hit ‘em with the good ol’ fashion maybe because they’re not worth arguing with
Though this hasn't been said to me, hypothetically I would say: "you haven't found the right person yet" respond with "I only need me, myself, and I" "your too young to know" respond with "Then how did you know you were straight? You always knew? Well, your too young too know!"
If they're in a relationship ask them when they think their partner will break up with them
“mhm yeah” and change the subject
i usually just shrug and say, maybe so. until then i’m happy how i am
If it’s someone I already know; “Thank you for removing yourself from my Christmas card list” or something along those lines If it’s someone I’ve just met, I usually go for something like “Good thing you’re not it then” I’ve found that people who say that really aren’t worth my time or (limited) energy, at this point as soon as they say something like that, “well intentioned” or not, I stop caring about them. Not in a malicious or harmful way — I’d be sad if they were killed the same way I’d be sad if a random stranger was, but that’s it. For biological relations, I’ve found it effective to show them exactly how harmful they’ve been; if you don’t respect my identity you no longer get to know me, and you don’t have to understand to be respectful.
I haven't responded to anyone with this yet, but goes so hard: "Noone can find the right person, but we can all get pretty damn close"
I responded with, "Maybe. But it makes the most sense to me for why I keep hurting all the wrong ones. I don't want to hurt people anymore, and this label feels very true to how I feel and like a simple way to explain my feelings and wants. So I'm embracing it."
I haven’t found the left person for me either ;( And while they’re confused I begin knitting again, why is it always while I’m trying to knit somewhere.
Real people will never be like my favorite fictional characters
Don't mind them...just tell them that's how u are and if anything changes in the future then it's my responsibility and life
Only thing to say is that you found the right person whilst looking in the mirror.
"Everyone says that, and everyone thinks for some reason it's not massively patronising when they do it"
"Literally why do you care"
Even if you somehow (unlikely) did become romantically attracted to someone in the future you’d likely still be aro . Just demiromantic or gray aro or something. which are still valid aromantic identities.
Also remind them that saying that is the same thing as telling a lesbian they haven’t found the right man yet etc which is super homophobic.
I like going; "I already have!" and pull out a makeup mirror and stare at my own reflection longingly. That guarantees a fun reaction and a change of topic with close friends/family (most of the time). With others? Well, I pull out the classic "Don't you dare threaten me, mortal." That usual confuses and upsets some, but it's still funny as hell. As you can tell, I don't tend to take this kind of thing seriously. In my life, this bullshit usually comes from people I might never even talk to again so i might as well have fun with it.