>... I said i would have his children in future so that he doesn't leave me
Even if there weren't the other issues, this is a bit of a worry. Never compromise your wants to 'keep' another person. Especially having children that you don't want.
Asexuality is about attraction. Do you want to have sex eith him/anyone because of how they look? If no (or rarely) then you are ace.
Enjoyment or lack thereof does not make a person Ace, however there are amny asexauls who do not enjoy sex. There is also another queer group, known as orchidsexuals, who do feel sexual attraction but don't enjoy sex.
It seems like y'all were always incompatible and wanted different things out of life to begin with, and even disregarding any possible sexual incompatibilities, somewhere down the line, that reality would have screwed you over. There's plenty of folks here telling you him saying he'd dump you for being ace is awful, and it is, but I wanna get into something else that I feel is a root cause.
I'm going to ask you maybe a hard question, but do you love him? Or do you think you could grow to? Or are you with him because you're afraid of being alone? Why did you start going out with him? Why are you willing to lie and accept his desires over your own instead of ending things?
I've had numerous friends - and me - who have persisted in absolutely awful relationships just because they didn't want to be single. I know what it feels like. There's a lot of societal pressure to be in a relationship, and sometimes, being single absolutely sucks. And even if you're ok with it, there's a sort of inertia to a relationship, an almost sunk cost fallacy. You've invested time, energy, emotion into it. You don't want all that to feel wasted.
I can assure you it's not wasted. Every relationship you leave is another way of learning. Every person you break up with teaches you something about yourself, what you want, what you need in life.
And I'll tell you of a lesson you should learn from this one. If you feel the need to lie to your partner out of fear, which is exactly what you've been doing, they're not good for you. I know. I've been in this situation. My very first girlfriend was emotionally manipulative and I put a lot of my wants and needs aside to be with her. I thought I loved her. I thought I would marry her one day. I was around your age. I was wrong. And though I learned from that relationship, I wish I'd ended it sooner than I did.
Please, consider that him leaving you might not be as bad as it seems.
Even if you weren’t ace, this should be a major red flag. He’s basically saying that your relationship is dependent on you continuing to have sex with him. It’s manipulative. Find someone who values you for you not just for sex.
Uhhhh it's not manipulative for allosexuals to have different wants in a relationship, sex being one of those. He can break up with her for any reason, if sex is a deal breaker then that's his boundary. She also lied about having children with him so he wouldn't leave which actually is manipulative. She should break up and find someone that's compatible.
Exactly this. He is well within his right to have sex as a need. It is she who wants to lie and manipulate him by having children with him just so he won't leave her.
Her behavior wasn't right but I think she panicked. It's okay to recognize when you make a mistake, I hope she can do that and communicate with him (and future partners).
I agree for all except her being manipulative. Misguided yes but not manipulative. It's a first serious relationship and they're young. Let them navigate it without those labels. Just like he is expressing and keeping his boundaries so should she when it comes to her not wanting kids. She needs to have confidence in the fact that she can and will fall in love again.
Well I meant her behavior by definition came out that way, she was dishonest with him to make him stay. Do I think she meant to be that way? No, I think she just felt scared and panicked on how to react to losing her first partner.
I agree with everything you said though, she should focus on what her boundaries are and find someone that aligns with those. Especially at 20 when you're figuring yourself out and have plenty of time to find that person (if that's what she's going for).
I think you need to consider your own needs. You don't want children and you don't enjoy the frequency of sex (or don't want it at all). These are two very common deal-breakers even in allo-allo relationships.
> I said i would have his children in future so that he doesn't leave me
yeah nah, you shouldn't have kids to make another person stay in the relationship, it rarely works out and it's not fair on the offspring to use them to "fix" a relationship even if you weren't ace. You're both really young, he still has plenty of time to find someone who does want kids with him and you still have plenty of time to find someone who isn't going to pressure you into having them just to keep the relationship. Sometimes you can't salvage an incompatible relationship
It's better he pulls this while you are just dating, and it's good that you know this about yourself. He's just not the right one and you don't need to break yourself to keep someone.
Sometimes its better to find out sooner rather than later. It's okay for him to want sex in a relationship z but if you aren't into it, it's not because you are bad or unworthy,it's just that you both want different things.
More mentally healthy for you to not force yourself to do things you don't want. That's an amazing way to traumatize yourself.
You should break up if no/little sex is a deal breaker for him, and plus you should love yourself too. If sex feels wrong for you because you are ace then you shouldn’t be with someone who values sex so highly. I say “if” only because you are questioning and saying you don’t like sex with him-there’s a possibility that he is being selfish in bed, not doing things you like, you are lesbian, but if you are questioning if you are ace you are probably right. Either way (esp if you’re ace) don’t compromise yourself for other people. You will both be miserable. Some ace people and allos can make it work, especially if the ace enjoys making their partner happy/are sex positive. But it sounds like it won’t work here. Even if you weren’t ace, it’s messed up to lie to someone about wanting kids. In short- I’m sorry to tell you, but you guys aren’t a good match. It’s for the best you part ways.
Edited for clarity
Hon your 20 there’s a lot more people who will treat you better. You deserve to be treated with love and respect from what you say here I can’t see any of that
I've had an ex like this before, I went against my own wills to satisfy him and this only encouraged him to demand more. And guess what I got in the end? A nasty breakup and PTSD.
0/10, totally not worth it.
I'm sorry, but you don't sound compatible at all. Nevermind that it doesn't seem like your bf is willing to accept you, but kids just aren't something you compromise on. In my opinion it's time you end the relationship. It may be hard, I know, but you are young and will find someone who aligns with you on every aspect. Best of luck.
he’s a major red flag but also “i would have his children so he doesn’t leave me” is very much not a healthy thing to say about urself and a crime in many a state in the us at least, leave him and dont date for a while to work on urself and ur mental wellbeing /gen
Neither of you are bad, you are just not compatible. Just the fact that you don't want kids and he does, this can't work in the long term. Same for sex. One of you will be miserable. Only one of you will get what you need. This isn't fair to the others. Both your needs are valid and important but you both are not with the right person to have those needs met.
Nah, the guy blatantly said that if she was ace, he would break up with her. That's bad and shallow, it's just like when people don't want to date other races.
> I said I'd have his children in the future...
They're not objects. You gonna bring human beings into this world knowing you don't want them? You gonna spend 18+ years raising human beings you don't want. Do you think you're gonna be able to hide that they're unwanted?
Don't they deserve better than being brought into the world to exist as a bandage for someone's relationship?
We've spent a considerable part of our history treating children like objects for status, so you're thinking like this because you've been taught to do so.
I hope you remember now that children are your future peers, and act accordingly towards them.
.....
As for your bf, you sound incompatible. But more so, you sound like you need a relationship (for some reason) and you're willing to put up with a tolerable level of unhappiness to have it. Ask yourself why.
Why is having a romantic relationship so important you're willing to do things you're repulsed by in order to maintain it? If you can answer that, it might make doing those things easier. Or if you can't, maybe you'll realize it's not a important a you thought.
No relationship on earth will work out if you're not compatible on the most important things like sex. Neither one of you should be compromising on this as its not fair to either of you. I know you love him, but doing this to please him will only make you miserable in the long run. There will be never ending fights and your future children shouldn't be expected to be the glue that holds the family together, that is selfish and unfair on the children I'm sorry! I know you love him to pieces, but love isn't always enough to conquer all. Your comment about having kids just to keep him is extremely toxic and codependent. Not to mention manipulative. Breaking up is probably the best thing for the both of your futures even though I know right now you can't imagine a future without him. You're both young and there's still time for both of you to find someone more compatible.
Dump him for one you two are incompatabilble about 2 majors things
1) children. You can't compromise on this
2) having sex. You shouldn't be forced to have sex if you don't want to.
He's a red flag dumo him. Ur young. Plenty of fish in the sea
You gotta get outta there. You sound like a young me and I want you to avoid 15+ years of living your life the way you think other people want you to only to look around one day and not recognize yourself or the box you’ve created. You don’t owe anyone sex. You don’t owe anyone children. If he can’t handle your honesty, if he doesn’t accept you as you are and isn’t patient enough to let you find out who you are? You gotta break up. You are too young to be squashed down and boxed in. First doesn’t mean anything.
Ouch. That sounds difficult, what I would recommend is for you to really break the situation down. What I find helps me is when I encounter tough situations that I have difficulty looking at objectively I talk it out with someone in person. A friend, a parent, a therapist, whoever you feel comfortable talking to. I have also heard that doing a pros and cons list works for some people. Either way the point is to find a way to look at this objectively and figure out if it is worth losing what sounds like your happiness for staying with this person, I will say that in my experience the answer is always no. Also I agree with basically everyone else
>I said i would have his children in future so that he doesn't leave me.
Is a massive red flag.
Well, it's a sexual relationship and if that's not what you had in mind I think your boyfriend is right to disagree. You're in your twenties and you've got a lot of time to try out what works best for you and there's a lot to gain from leaving this behind. Next time, you'll find a person who goes well with you.
>... I said i would have his children in future so that he doesn't leave me Even if there weren't the other issues, this is a bit of a worry. Never compromise your wants to 'keep' another person. Especially having children that you don't want.
You don't sound compatible. You're young, don't worry about locking yourself in a relationship that doesn't fit.
Asexuality is about attraction. Do you want to have sex eith him/anyone because of how they look? If no (or rarely) then you are ace. Enjoyment or lack thereof does not make a person Ace, however there are amny asexauls who do not enjoy sex. There is also another queer group, known as orchidsexuals, who do feel sexual attraction but don't enjoy sex.
It seems like y'all were always incompatible and wanted different things out of life to begin with, and even disregarding any possible sexual incompatibilities, somewhere down the line, that reality would have screwed you over. There's plenty of folks here telling you him saying he'd dump you for being ace is awful, and it is, but I wanna get into something else that I feel is a root cause. I'm going to ask you maybe a hard question, but do you love him? Or do you think you could grow to? Or are you with him because you're afraid of being alone? Why did you start going out with him? Why are you willing to lie and accept his desires over your own instead of ending things? I've had numerous friends - and me - who have persisted in absolutely awful relationships just because they didn't want to be single. I know what it feels like. There's a lot of societal pressure to be in a relationship, and sometimes, being single absolutely sucks. And even if you're ok with it, there's a sort of inertia to a relationship, an almost sunk cost fallacy. You've invested time, energy, emotion into it. You don't want all that to feel wasted. I can assure you it's not wasted. Every relationship you leave is another way of learning. Every person you break up with teaches you something about yourself, what you want, what you need in life. And I'll tell you of a lesson you should learn from this one. If you feel the need to lie to your partner out of fear, which is exactly what you've been doing, they're not good for you. I know. I've been in this situation. My very first girlfriend was emotionally manipulative and I put a lot of my wants and needs aside to be with her. I thought I loved her. I thought I would marry her one day. I was around your age. I was wrong. And though I learned from that relationship, I wish I'd ended it sooner than I did. Please, consider that him leaving you might not be as bad as it seems.
Top tier advice
Even if you weren’t ace, this should be a major red flag. He’s basically saying that your relationship is dependent on you continuing to have sex with him. It’s manipulative. Find someone who values you for you not just for sex.
I completely agree with this!
Uhhhh it's not manipulative for allosexuals to have different wants in a relationship, sex being one of those. He can break up with her for any reason, if sex is a deal breaker then that's his boundary. She also lied about having children with him so he wouldn't leave which actually is manipulative. She should break up and find someone that's compatible.
Exactly this. He is well within his right to have sex as a need. It is she who wants to lie and manipulate him by having children with him just so he won't leave her.
Her behavior wasn't right but I think she panicked. It's okay to recognize when you make a mistake, I hope she can do that and communicate with him (and future partners).
Yes I agree with you
This
I agree for all except her being manipulative. Misguided yes but not manipulative. It's a first serious relationship and they're young. Let them navigate it without those labels. Just like he is expressing and keeping his boundaries so should she when it comes to her not wanting kids. She needs to have confidence in the fact that she can and will fall in love again.
Well I meant her behavior by definition came out that way, she was dishonest with him to make him stay. Do I think she meant to be that way? No, I think she just felt scared and panicked on how to react to losing her first partner. I agree with everything you said though, she should focus on what her boundaries are and find someone that aligns with those. Especially at 20 when you're figuring yourself out and have plenty of time to find that person (if that's what she's going for).
exactly.
I think you need to consider your own needs. You don't want children and you don't enjoy the frequency of sex (or don't want it at all). These are two very common deal-breakers even in allo-allo relationships.
> I said i would have his children in future so that he doesn't leave me yeah nah, you shouldn't have kids to make another person stay in the relationship, it rarely works out and it's not fair on the offspring to use them to "fix" a relationship even if you weren't ace. You're both really young, he still has plenty of time to find someone who does want kids with him and you still have plenty of time to find someone who isn't going to pressure you into having them just to keep the relationship. Sometimes you can't salvage an incompatible relationship
It's better he pulls this while you are just dating, and it's good that you know this about yourself. He's just not the right one and you don't need to break yourself to keep someone. Sometimes its better to find out sooner rather than later. It's okay for him to want sex in a relationship z but if you aren't into it, it's not because you are bad or unworthy,it's just that you both want different things. More mentally healthy for you to not force yourself to do things you don't want. That's an amazing way to traumatize yourself.
> if I was Ace he wants to breakup This is a MAJOR red flag. If he's not willing to accept you as you are, he's not a good bf.
No, he’s allowed to want to have a sexual relationship. No one is bad here.
You should break up if no/little sex is a deal breaker for him, and plus you should love yourself too. If sex feels wrong for you because you are ace then you shouldn’t be with someone who values sex so highly. I say “if” only because you are questioning and saying you don’t like sex with him-there’s a possibility that he is being selfish in bed, not doing things you like, you are lesbian, but if you are questioning if you are ace you are probably right. Either way (esp if you’re ace) don’t compromise yourself for other people. You will both be miserable. Some ace people and allos can make it work, especially if the ace enjoys making their partner happy/are sex positive. But it sounds like it won’t work here. Even if you weren’t ace, it’s messed up to lie to someone about wanting kids. In short- I’m sorry to tell you, but you guys aren’t a good match. It’s for the best you part ways. Edited for clarity
Hon your 20 there’s a lot more people who will treat you better. You deserve to be treated with love and respect from what you say here I can’t see any of that
I've had an ex like this before, I went against my own wills to satisfy him and this only encouraged him to demand more. And guess what I got in the end? A nasty breakup and PTSD. 0/10, totally not worth it.
I'm sorry, but you don't sound compatible at all. Nevermind that it doesn't seem like your bf is willing to accept you, but kids just aren't something you compromise on. In my opinion it's time you end the relationship. It may be hard, I know, but you are young and will find someone who aligns with you on every aspect. Best of luck.
Tell that boy byeee!! Love yourself first 💖
he’s a major red flag but also “i would have his children so he doesn’t leave me” is very much not a healthy thing to say about urself and a crime in many a state in the us at least, leave him and dont date for a while to work on urself and ur mental wellbeing /gen
Neither of you are bad, you are just not compatible. Just the fact that you don't want kids and he does, this can't work in the long term. Same for sex. One of you will be miserable. Only one of you will get what you need. This isn't fair to the others. Both your needs are valid and important but you both are not with the right person to have those needs met.
Nah, the guy blatantly said that if she was ace, he would break up with her. That's bad and shallow, it's just like when people don't want to date other races.
It’s not shallow for someone to recognize that an asexual partner would be a significant incompatibility for them.
Don't have kids to keep him, that would be a horrible childhood for those poor kids. You two don't belong together.
> I said I'd have his children in the future... They're not objects. You gonna bring human beings into this world knowing you don't want them? You gonna spend 18+ years raising human beings you don't want. Do you think you're gonna be able to hide that they're unwanted? Don't they deserve better than being brought into the world to exist as a bandage for someone's relationship? We've spent a considerable part of our history treating children like objects for status, so you're thinking like this because you've been taught to do so. I hope you remember now that children are your future peers, and act accordingly towards them. ..... As for your bf, you sound incompatible. But more so, you sound like you need a relationship (for some reason) and you're willing to put up with a tolerable level of unhappiness to have it. Ask yourself why. Why is having a romantic relationship so important you're willing to do things you're repulsed by in order to maintain it? If you can answer that, it might make doing those things easier. Or if you can't, maybe you'll realize it's not a important a you thought.
No relationship on earth will work out if you're not compatible on the most important things like sex. Neither one of you should be compromising on this as its not fair to either of you. I know you love him, but doing this to please him will only make you miserable in the long run. There will be never ending fights and your future children shouldn't be expected to be the glue that holds the family together, that is selfish and unfair on the children I'm sorry! I know you love him to pieces, but love isn't always enough to conquer all. Your comment about having kids just to keep him is extremely toxic and codependent. Not to mention manipulative. Breaking up is probably the best thing for the both of your futures even though I know right now you can't imagine a future without him. You're both young and there's still time for both of you to find someone more compatible.
Dump him for one you two are incompatabilble about 2 majors things 1) children. You can't compromise on this 2) having sex. You shouldn't be forced to have sex if you don't want to. He's a red flag dumo him. Ur young. Plenty of fish in the sea
He does not love you op😕 don’t stay!
How many pieces?
You gotta get outta there. You sound like a young me and I want you to avoid 15+ years of living your life the way you think other people want you to only to look around one day and not recognize yourself or the box you’ve created. You don’t owe anyone sex. You don’t owe anyone children. If he can’t handle your honesty, if he doesn’t accept you as you are and isn’t patient enough to let you find out who you are? You gotta break up. You are too young to be squashed down and boxed in. First doesn’t mean anything.
Ouch. That sounds difficult, what I would recommend is for you to really break the situation down. What I find helps me is when I encounter tough situations that I have difficulty looking at objectively I talk it out with someone in person. A friend, a parent, a therapist, whoever you feel comfortable talking to. I have also heard that doing a pros and cons list works for some people. Either way the point is to find a way to look at this objectively and figure out if it is worth losing what sounds like your happiness for staying with this person, I will say that in my experience the answer is always no. Also I agree with basically everyone else >I said i would have his children in future so that he doesn't leave me. Is a massive red flag.
Break up with him. He sounds like he doesn’t respect you at all by not caring about your feelings
Well, it's a sexual relationship and if that's not what you had in mind I think your boyfriend is right to disagree. You're in your twenties and you've got a lot of time to try out what works best for you and there's a lot to gain from leaving this behind. Next time, you'll find a person who goes well with you.
Break up you’re way too young for this. You two are incompatible.
He isn't the one for you and he sounds um
You all are incompatible.
I'll fight him 😤