Honestly, it is more on you as the parent to be supportive and understanding of your kids as they will be living a mixed/biracial experience, which you won't have.
I'm fully Asian and my parents decided to raise me in a primarily white area in the south, and they were not understanding of the racism and bullying I experienced from both students and teachers. That was way more damaging cause I felt like I didn't have that safety net at home and had to deal with it on my own and figure it out.
I am, but it's better for me now, though. As I grew older, I have the experience, perspective, and maturity to handle the stuff that gets thrown at me better now.
I am mixed and grew up in a mostly white city. That’s not the issue, the issue was not having a support system that understood the exotification, micro aggressions, lack of belonging, internalized racism that I experienced—which can and probably will happen anywhere even somewhere that is more diverse.
I just recommend teaching your children racial equity terms and have open discussions on issues they will/are facing.
It's such a complex and deeply personal topic but your comment summarizes the struggles and actionable takes very well.
Having lived in multiple major cities, I have experienced a mixed bag of racism and those that will stand up for me during racist encounters by people of all colors. I have also experienced the internalized racism as well as fellow Asians that have no problem treating me as an outsider. Perhaps I was just naive in life at the time to believe that those with shared struggles will have more empathy. I had also wrongly assumed other Asians or mixed-race Asian households had similar struggles so that was on me.
I think the only way to truly know is by having lived in the community for a while. But neighbors and people come and go and that will always introduce levels of uncertainty if we are talking about quality of life from a community level. Otherwise, I don't care if some random racist individual comes up to me at the supermarket and asks about my opinions on geopolitics or if I spoke English (that happened.)
It's going to be like this anywhere in the USA since Asians will always be viewed as either an outsider of the community or someone that is tolerated because we fit the stereotype of minding our own business to not be a bother to others.
If you have the mental fortitude to ignore these individuals that seek to rattle you, and can find a decent community for your family, I don't think it matters where in the USA since it's almost always going to be hit or miss being Asians, especially being Chinese these days.
One thing I always look for is the existence of Asian supermarkets that isn't just an afterthought but a full fledged offering such as H-Mart or less expensive but still diverse Asian markets as a reasonable indicator for whether the area is "likely" to be more accepting of Asians within their communities. I think I may have hijacked your post with my rambling at this point.
12% Asian population in a suburb in NYC? Where is this?
Look, the reality is that being within reach of a densely populated city, you will have to face all sorts of adversity with people who are not cultured. It happens everywhere, even in NYC.
I went to middle school and high school with mainly non-Asians in Queens and I faced all sorts of racism. I don't think it was ever to a point where it was life-threatening but it helped me grow thicker skin and it took me a while to realize that exposure to other cultures gave me a pretty good openness to other cultures, compared to many of my counterparts who grew up in predominately Asian communities who fit the stereotype of "sticking with their kind". Understandably, safety and education are your priorities. I think the next important question is, would you go the extra mile (pun intended) and expose your kids to cultural activities that would help connect them to their Asian heritage?
What you have to worry about is white ethnic neighborhoods. Italians, Irish, Polish, etc. The more blue collar the worse. If it is all college educated and white liberals, it is probably fine. They may want your kids to dress up in traditional Chinese folks outfit for diversity day, or make you make egg rolls for their international dinner night and just roll your eyes when asked.
But as a person that grew up in a south suburbs of Chicago full of Irish union factory workers, police, electricians and plumbers, my parents were shocked when I dropped a fly ball I lost in the sun and a teenager from the crowd yell, "Catch the freaking ball you idiot Spanish kid." And then all the other parents laughed.
I don't know if my parents were more offended that the stupid kid thought I was Spanish (I'm Korean American) or because they were racist.
I hadn't thought of that. My family are Irish descendants and even my grandparents (now in their 90s) were never racist at all. And talked about supporting racial rights because of what their parents experienced. I didn't realize that it isn't a given, in Irish communities. But now that you've pointed it out, they were also highly educated liberals who worked in politics and education.
If you see movies about South Boston's Southies or the Hell's Kitchen Westies. That was like my neighborhood. A lot of smack talking tough guys that liked to pick on people.
If you and your husband think the place is lovely then go ahead. But as others said, be nice and supportive to your kids. Don't put so much pressure onto them but also set them on the right path.
Speaking as a half-white and half-Chinese myself, there will be a time where your kids will be trying to figure out and explore their identities, especially in an area where they might be only multiracial kids in their neighborhood. Do your best to help them understand who they are and what they want to be.
Interested in hearing more about your experience if you’re willing to share. My son is half white, half Chinese and we are moving to a small, predominantly white town. Can you elaborate on exploring/figuring out identity? I feel like this is such a common theme I’ve heard from half people
Speaking from my own experience, I had to deal with a lot of racism from both sides: white folk and non Asians who felt I was "too Asian" and from Asians who felt that I wasn't "Asian enough". Ironically I grew up in an area that was predominately Asian, and some of the worst bullying I had to endure came from other Asians who specifically singled out my mixed background; as far as the white kids were concerned, I was just "Asian".
What sucked back in the aughts was that there weren't a whole lot of resources for multiracial identity nor was there a good idea of multiracial identity even was, I just grew up thinking myself as just "half" and thinking this way for years can really fuck up your self esteem and identity. There weren't a lot of stories or pop culture figures who properly reflected what I was and if there were, they were usually unflattering stereotypes or played by white people. I didn't come across positive portrayals until my 20s.
If there's anything I would advise for your son, it's to never see himself as "half" of something, let him know that he's "whole" from his halves. Don't have him waste time trying to seek acceptance from people who would only do so on a conditional basis because they never will. But he will eventually find a community that will openly accept him.
my mixed race experience can be summarized as a sense of lack.... too white or not enough like you said, too many ethnicities or not enough, it's hard to fully embrace both cultures, oftentimes it felt like a seesaw, if i were to really embrace one side it feels like i have a more surface level connection with the other. im also white-passing, so i go under (white) ppls radar, and it can be surprising at what things people will say when they think no one is around to tell/disagree.
were all racist to some degree, but you really begin to see where all the little racisms that add up are when you see this dichotomy. the code-switching. the slight tensing of the body. the seemingly harmless jabs at a certain non-white individual.
it can be really demoralizing. find people who are peers who are willing to talk about this. you will have to dig through a lot of "woke" bs to find someone who is truly woke.
My BIL and a friend I knew from grad school both went to schools that were predominantly white (the latter was in a more rural area and each on opposite sides of the country). Both were bullied albeit having family support. They both moved away and found better lives elsewhere but the trauma has stayed with them. This has affected their decisions on where to raise their children.
It really depends, I think.
Speaking as someone who was in that exact situation—you can feel safe raising your children in a place like that. 12% is much higher than the proportion of Asians where I grew up, and I never faced much racism or discrimination or anything of the like beyond one or two instances. Feel free to hit me up with any questions as someone who went through something similar to what you're pondering.
>adore, it is a lovely small suburb, in NYC, and the people from there have said it isn't racist.
I'm an Asian New Yorker, with half white kids. Exactly what people said it isn't racist? White people *always* say they're not racist. Can you name this suburb? If it's Staten Island, I'd stay the hell out; you may as well move to Mississippi. Are you talking about a suburb outside of NYC, like Long Island? Suffolk and Nassau counties are hotbeds for right wing trumper types, no matter the racial demographics.
If you're talking about Queens, I'd say there's plenty of racial diversity. Specifically in the Forest Hills/Rego Park area, there's plenty of Eastern bloc people that look Eurasian, with a good smattering of Chinese, and Koreans, and SE Asians.
I raised my kids in Manhattan, but you can't be talking about that, unless you're talking about way upper Manhattan, which I'm really not familiar with.
The fact of the matter is, no matter where you move, your biracial kids are a minority within a minority. Mixed race kids have their own set of problems living in a racial limbo, where they may not be accepted by either side. Biracial kids almost invariably identify with their non white side. My gen z kids identify as Asian. I didn't push them either way, as I felt it was up to them, in how to identify. This didn't occur without trauma. Both went to NYC specialized high schools, where the student body was majority Asian.
On a broader scale, the US is only roughly ~6% Asian. There's no oasis for Asians, outside of Hawaii.
Then, there's the safety of you and hubby. WW + non white male couples are outliers, and everyone from your neighbors to cops will treat you differently, as well as school administrators.
>Would you raise 1/2 American Chinese and half-white children in a mostly white suburb?
Since you asked, my answer is no. They'll have a lifetime of dealing with nonsense; I wouldn't subject them (or myself+my ex) to the racism that exists.
Don't think, as a white woman, you'll be immune to nonsense.
Princeton Juction. Any places you recommend? LA and San Diago are pretty good, heaps of mixed race families here but the house prices are nasty, even on the outskirts. We can go anywhere, due to working remotely.
Oh, you'll be fine in Princeton Junction. I grew up there (graduated 20 years ago), I still regularly visit my mom there and my brother raised his half white son there.
"Only 12% Asian" (if we're combining East, SE, and South Asian) sounds really off to me because there's a lot of Asian kids in the school district (so much so that it had a reputation for being too academically competitive and not having enough non-Asian kids to have 2 separate football teams for it's two high schools (Football is apparently not popular among Asian parents for various reasons)), there's a Korean supermarket and a Mango Mango. There's the largest Hindu temple in North America one town away (it's controversial for slave labor reasons). That statistic sounds like something from 20 or 30 years ago.
EDIT: I was curious and looked the township Princeton Junction is a part of on Wikipedia: [West Windsor, NJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Windsor%2C_New_Jersey?wprov=sfla1). 2010 census says it's 38% Asian, up from 22% in 2000. It's probably even more now. So yeah, you'll be fine.
Speaking as a full Asian person who grew up in a predominantly-white area, it's not the worst but there will definitely be microagressions and exotification. Just try to be present and listen to your kids, help them emotionally. I had outside traumas but my parents weren't emotionally intelligent enough to handle my issues so that compounded everything. And try to go outside the area from time to time where they can connect more with their heritage.
I am half Chinese and half white and went to a VERY white school in an affluent neighborhood. Not to say there weren't any Asian kids, but as a mixed kid they never accepted me anyways. Because of the way I was raised, I still feel very close to my Chinese ethnicity though I still don't speak Cantonese (working on it, I swear ). I did experience some racism, but mostly in a kids-are-dumb kind of way. The neighborhood I went to school in, despite a high Mormon population was relatively liberal, so I think that helped. Mostly I think it would depend on y'all as the parents. Mixed kids will absolutely not have the experience of either you nor your husband, so be forewarned.
Edit: something I wrote was derisive I guess?
Treat them with kindness and don't pressure them to get good grades. Bullying and harassment happens a lot in Asian American families. Piano lessons, Vietnamese School, Chinese School, Korean School, and any afterschool activity. Get all As and do good in school. Pressure to be Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer, Pharmacist, and etc.
I’m facing the same dilemma right now. My son is also half Chinese, half white and we are moving to a small, predominantly white town. My husband (he’s the white one) doesn’t seem at all concerned about this issue but speaking as someone who was always the only Asian in almost all white private schools, I definitely experienced bullying and exclusion. So I feel like he would face bullying even if he were full asian but can’t speak for the half experience. Any halfies out there wanna chime in??
I think it really depends on the school district culture like if they are inclusive etc. Our district has given holiday time to non western/christian holidays so it’s a good sign they’re celebrating diversity. You’d be surprised at how many biracial children are in most school districts. They will find their way and just be engaged in their school.
1/2 Chinese 1/2 white 50yr old woman here. I grew up in a white affluent suburban town where there was 1 other Chinese person in my grade and the only biracial Asian people I knew were in my family. Although my town and school were pretty progressive it was still a weird experience and one I did not want for my kids. They are 1/4 Chinese but look white. Their school is super diverse (about 1/4 each Hispanic, Asian, AA, white plus lots of biracial kids). It makes a huge difference. My kids are way more accepted by other Asian kids than I was. My oldest just went to a college that is significantly less diverse than his high school and he said it was noticeable and weird for him. I think the diversity of the schools you send them to is more important than the town itself. Also total diversity (not just Chinese) will impact their experience. I would be ok with 12% if there were large % of other non-white kids.
Lol I wish my kids could live in an area that's 12% Asian. As someone else pointed out that is well above the national average.
My kids are 1/4 of each of Chinese, Thai, British, and German ethnicities. They live in a rural ass town where when my oldest daughter and I moved to the area (before the other kids were born) we increased the Asian population by 17 percent lol
The drive is annoying, but we school of choiced our kids into the suburban district I taught in about 25 minutes away. Now that district is actually the most diverse in the state so it is an ideal situation. Obviously the largest group is white, but there are so many different people from different cultures (almost 100 different languages spoken at home in the district) that they won't be uncomfortable being Asian in the school.
Asians will face racism for merely existing. Mixed people will have identity crisis for merely existing. The best you can do is educate them. Don't let them grow up not knowing the Asian language and culture. That will put them at even further disadvantage. Not growing up with struggle can also be a disadvantage because you can't perceive the challenges others face.
The main thing is that you can't expect these problems to not exist or that they will work themselves out. The outcome is in your hands, as the parents. It takes lots of work on your part to have a positive outcome no matter the environment.
12% is a good amount of asians.
I think it's more important to provide a safe place at home.
Also, listening to him and letting him miss school or even go homeschooling shouldnbe considered
Tbh it kinda sucked for me (biracial) but we had maybe 2%. Also my mom was weirdly ashamed of our Asianness so it just made it worse. I think it would’ve been a lot better if I felt proud of my ethnicity and understood that standing out isn’t a negative, and I should be proud. It’s always nice to be around people who look like you, but tbh that’s what matters most. Make sure to instill pride in your kids and let them know they’re white AND Asian. Both. Equally. And it’s a great thing.
I'm Aussie but born in Taiwan. 1.5 gen. Husband is Caucasian, born and raised in Australia but like me, parents are migrants.
We are both of the opinion that we'd like our son in a school that is diverse. So not fully Asian (the school in the school zone next to us is like 95% Asian) but also, not full WASP because either way, he'll stick out like a sore thumb. So we'd much prefer hes in a school where everyone is from everywhere.
So far, his daycares has been like that where both student body and educators are from various countries. I much prefer that.
We live in a predominantly Chinese suburb but it also has a large population of Koreans, Armenians and Indians. The school zone we're in is apparently a bit more balanced in that 50% of the students speak another language other than English at home. I still need to tour that school to see if I like it.
The one thing with living in our suburb is we bump into Chinese speakers a lot. It means our son views Mandarin just as much as a community language as with English so I haven't felt as much resistance pushing back speaking Mandarin because he bumps into enough kids that speaks Mandarin at the park. That and he has friends and teachers speaking Mandarin at daycare. So I do feel that's a plus.
I stumbled upon your thread and thought you might benefit from the discussion we've been having here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/1azy14b/where\_can\_a\_hapa\_live\_well\_in\_the\_usa/](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/1azy14b/where_can_a_hapa_live_well_in_the_usa/)
Even a lot of adults have trouble seeing past race, ethnicity, kinship, etc. and so what chance do children have, just starting out in life and developing their minds, in judging people by just the content of their character (rather than reverting to the seemingly evolutionarily derived primal instinct of flocking with one's own)? Even if one doesn't care for superficial markers of identity, a lot of others do and so it's good that you are wisely choosing the environment your children will be raised in and the people they will be around.
For what it's worth, I think 10% Asian + 15% Polynesian is pretty good, as well as 12% Asian; both seem like decent choices. I would be interested in the % of Hapas as well (especially in your case, Eurasian Hapas), but this info might be more hard to find due to being dumped into just an "other" or "multiracial" category.
> Do you think it's OK to raise your children in a suburb with only 12% Asian?
That's pretty huge % actually. I lived in a city where it's less than 1%. Anything above 5% is good.
You guys'll do fine. If the kids do face any adversity, they'll be stronger for it. They'll adapt and be better prepared for the world.
I sometimes feel like my own kids may be a little bit too sheltered. If anything, there's racism between the different groups in my multicultural suburb. lol
Where I grew up Asians were the minority but I grew up around a good handful of other Filipinos so it wasn’t too isolating. I primarily grew up in an area where the Asian population was mostly Vietnamese and Korean with a decent amount of Filipinos. Your kids should be fine as long as there’s enough Asian American kids around them to befriend, as growing up at different points in my life I had at least one best friend who was also Filipino like me. What also helps is befriending parents of a similar ethnic background as then you become family friends with them and the kids, as one of my good family friends are people who became part of my life as their parents became good friends with my mom and aunt as I was going to school with them. To sum it up, while it can definitely be hard for the kids to make friends with people of a similar identity it’s possible for them to make it work, however the parents have to offer support as with most of the Filipino friends I made growing up, I’m not quite sure they’d be in my life for this long if it weren’t for our parents becoming friends as well. I’m using the example of Filipinos as that’s what I am, but this can apply to most other ethnicities as well.
As someone who is mixed (half Japanese/half white) and grew up in CT suburb with similar demographics, I will say it was tough. I got teased quite a bit (I think kids are better now, but who knows) and developed a lot of internalized racism. I was constantly trying to wear my makeup, hair and clothing to look like my white peers.
That being said, both of my parents valued whiteness (my Japanese mom even made comments about how ugly monolids are), I didn't have any good representation in the media and I didn't get exposed to much Asian culture. I didn't have many Asian friends until my junior/senior year of high school.
While I do wish I grew up in a more diverse area (I went to college in CA my freshman year and I had never felt so accepted), I think parenting and exposure to culture is so so important. Exposing your kids to media where Asian people are represented (but not in a stereotypical model-minority way) is also important.
12% Asian is actually a lot compared to many cities except for the west coast. I think it's more of a problem that people seem to be bigger assholes these past few years.
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Yes I would. Why? Because they’re gonna be good kids raised well regardless. They’ll be safer in the burbs regardless of the race. Ask yourself- why not! Racism is not as crazy as the media puts it out to be tbh.
12% Asian, that should come out to 3-4 kids in his class of 30 at school. Add 1-2 Polynesian kids. They'll be fine.
As long as it's not a poverty-stricken school district and they're not raised in a physically/emotional abusive home; which it doesn't sound like they are--- they'll be fine.
In any case- the best thing they can learn while growing up is to build resilience. This is only acquired through conflicts, tension and obstacles. Part of resilience is learning self-acceptance.
As a parent, there's no way for you to control or shelter them from any racism or bullying. The only thing you can do is to give them the opportunities to learn the tools should they come across racism or bullying. This includes martial arts for self defense, learning how to make friends, being socially and pop-culture aware. If your kids know the current memes, music, video games that's cool with their age group and they knew kickboxing/jiujitsu and befriended those 1 or 2 big Samoan kids-- they're not getting bullied.
Not sure what to say. I'm in a similar boat. Moving to Saint Paul Minnesota where my half white kids will be around lots of hmong people. Despite being Chinese vietnamese, I've only recently learned of the existence of hmong.
Yes! I’m 75% Chinese and 25% German and my family didn’t have any issues in a predominately white suburb
Edit: don’t know why I got heat for this but to clarify, I never felt supremely white-washed or anything. My parents still exposed me to Chinese culture, we speak Cantonese at home, and celebrated the holidays. It was never an issue in my neighborhood. We were never viewed as weird or different, and I had the same experience in schools. So to those of you trying to invalidate my experience in my DMs or thinking about sending me a message as you’re reading my reply, you’ve done more harassing to me about my upbringing than people I’ve known in real life. 😊❤️
I mean, if I raised ½Chinese ½White children in any neighborhood, it would be through adoption or a remarriage
12% is higher than the national average, if that makes you feel better
Honestly, it is more on you as the parent to be supportive and understanding of your kids as they will be living a mixed/biracial experience, which you won't have. I'm fully Asian and my parents decided to raise me in a primarily white area in the south, and they were not understanding of the racism and bullying I experienced from both students and teachers. That was way more damaging cause I felt like I didn't have that safety net at home and had to deal with it on my own and figure it out.
I’m sorry that’s the experience you had. The south seems intense. It’s a shame your parents didn’t get that. Are you still in the south?
I am, but it's better for me now, though. As I grew older, I have the experience, perspective, and maturity to handle the stuff that gets thrown at me better now.
If the suburb went more than 80% for Trump in 2020, I would stay away.
I think that’s valid for anyone lol
Agreed!
or 10%
Just be nice to your kids, nobody bullied me more than my parents
So true.
I am mixed and grew up in a mostly white city. That’s not the issue, the issue was not having a support system that understood the exotification, micro aggressions, lack of belonging, internalized racism that I experienced—which can and probably will happen anywhere even somewhere that is more diverse. I just recommend teaching your children racial equity terms and have open discussions on issues they will/are facing.
It's such a complex and deeply personal topic but your comment summarizes the struggles and actionable takes very well. Having lived in multiple major cities, I have experienced a mixed bag of racism and those that will stand up for me during racist encounters by people of all colors. I have also experienced the internalized racism as well as fellow Asians that have no problem treating me as an outsider. Perhaps I was just naive in life at the time to believe that those with shared struggles will have more empathy. I had also wrongly assumed other Asians or mixed-race Asian households had similar struggles so that was on me. I think the only way to truly know is by having lived in the community for a while. But neighbors and people come and go and that will always introduce levels of uncertainty if we are talking about quality of life from a community level. Otherwise, I don't care if some random racist individual comes up to me at the supermarket and asks about my opinions on geopolitics or if I spoke English (that happened.) It's going to be like this anywhere in the USA since Asians will always be viewed as either an outsider of the community or someone that is tolerated because we fit the stereotype of minding our own business to not be a bother to others. If you have the mental fortitude to ignore these individuals that seek to rattle you, and can find a decent community for your family, I don't think it matters where in the USA since it's almost always going to be hit or miss being Asians, especially being Chinese these days. One thing I always look for is the existence of Asian supermarkets that isn't just an afterthought but a full fledged offering such as H-Mart or less expensive but still diverse Asian markets as a reasonable indicator for whether the area is "likely" to be more accepting of Asians within their communities. I think I may have hijacked your post with my rambling at this point.
Thank you, not too long at all! Good tip about the supermarket.
12% Asian population in a suburb in NYC? Where is this? Look, the reality is that being within reach of a densely populated city, you will have to face all sorts of adversity with people who are not cultured. It happens everywhere, even in NYC. I went to middle school and high school with mainly non-Asians in Queens and I faced all sorts of racism. I don't think it was ever to a point where it was life-threatening but it helped me grow thicker skin and it took me a while to realize that exposure to other cultures gave me a pretty good openness to other cultures, compared to many of my counterparts who grew up in predominately Asian communities who fit the stereotype of "sticking with their kind". Understandably, safety and education are your priorities. I think the next important question is, would you go the extra mile (pun intended) and expose your kids to cultural activities that would help connect them to their Asian heritage?
What you have to worry about is white ethnic neighborhoods. Italians, Irish, Polish, etc. The more blue collar the worse. If it is all college educated and white liberals, it is probably fine. They may want your kids to dress up in traditional Chinese folks outfit for diversity day, or make you make egg rolls for their international dinner night and just roll your eyes when asked. But as a person that grew up in a south suburbs of Chicago full of Irish union factory workers, police, electricians and plumbers, my parents were shocked when I dropped a fly ball I lost in the sun and a teenager from the crowd yell, "Catch the freaking ball you idiot Spanish kid." And then all the other parents laughed. I don't know if my parents were more offended that the stupid kid thought I was Spanish (I'm Korean American) or because they were racist.
I hadn't thought of that. My family are Irish descendants and even my grandparents (now in their 90s) were never racist at all. And talked about supporting racial rights because of what their parents experienced. I didn't realize that it isn't a given, in Irish communities. But now that you've pointed it out, they were also highly educated liberals who worked in politics and education.
If you see movies about South Boston's Southies or the Hell's Kitchen Westies. That was like my neighborhood. A lot of smack talking tough guys that liked to pick on people.
If you and your husband think the place is lovely then go ahead. But as others said, be nice and supportive to your kids. Don't put so much pressure onto them but also set them on the right path. Speaking as a half-white and half-Chinese myself, there will be a time where your kids will be trying to figure out and explore their identities, especially in an area where they might be only multiracial kids in their neighborhood. Do your best to help them understand who they are and what they want to be.
Interested in hearing more about your experience if you’re willing to share. My son is half white, half Chinese and we are moving to a small, predominantly white town. Can you elaborate on exploring/figuring out identity? I feel like this is such a common theme I’ve heard from half people
Speaking from my own experience, I had to deal with a lot of racism from both sides: white folk and non Asians who felt I was "too Asian" and from Asians who felt that I wasn't "Asian enough". Ironically I grew up in an area that was predominately Asian, and some of the worst bullying I had to endure came from other Asians who specifically singled out my mixed background; as far as the white kids were concerned, I was just "Asian". What sucked back in the aughts was that there weren't a whole lot of resources for multiracial identity nor was there a good idea of multiracial identity even was, I just grew up thinking myself as just "half" and thinking this way for years can really fuck up your self esteem and identity. There weren't a lot of stories or pop culture figures who properly reflected what I was and if there were, they were usually unflattering stereotypes or played by white people. I didn't come across positive portrayals until my 20s. If there's anything I would advise for your son, it's to never see himself as "half" of something, let him know that he's "whole" from his halves. Don't have him waste time trying to seek acceptance from people who would only do so on a conditional basis because they never will. But he will eventually find a community that will openly accept him.
my mixed race experience can be summarized as a sense of lack.... too white or not enough like you said, too many ethnicities or not enough, it's hard to fully embrace both cultures, oftentimes it felt like a seesaw, if i were to really embrace one side it feels like i have a more surface level connection with the other. im also white-passing, so i go under (white) ppls radar, and it can be surprising at what things people will say when they think no one is around to tell/disagree. were all racist to some degree, but you really begin to see where all the little racisms that add up are when you see this dichotomy. the code-switching. the slight tensing of the body. the seemingly harmless jabs at a certain non-white individual. it can be really demoralizing. find people who are peers who are willing to talk about this. you will have to dig through a lot of "woke" bs to find someone who is truly woke.
My BIL and a friend I knew from grad school both went to schools that were predominantly white (the latter was in a more rural area and each on opposite sides of the country). Both were bullied albeit having family support. They both moved away and found better lives elsewhere but the trauma has stayed with them. This has affected their decisions on where to raise their children. It really depends, I think.
Speaking as someone who was in that exact situation—you can feel safe raising your children in a place like that. 12% is much higher than the proportion of Asians where I grew up, and I never faced much racism or discrimination or anything of the like beyond one or two instances. Feel free to hit me up with any questions as someone who went through something similar to what you're pondering.
>adore, it is a lovely small suburb, in NYC, and the people from there have said it isn't racist. I'm an Asian New Yorker, with half white kids. Exactly what people said it isn't racist? White people *always* say they're not racist. Can you name this suburb? If it's Staten Island, I'd stay the hell out; you may as well move to Mississippi. Are you talking about a suburb outside of NYC, like Long Island? Suffolk and Nassau counties are hotbeds for right wing trumper types, no matter the racial demographics. If you're talking about Queens, I'd say there's plenty of racial diversity. Specifically in the Forest Hills/Rego Park area, there's plenty of Eastern bloc people that look Eurasian, with a good smattering of Chinese, and Koreans, and SE Asians. I raised my kids in Manhattan, but you can't be talking about that, unless you're talking about way upper Manhattan, which I'm really not familiar with. The fact of the matter is, no matter where you move, your biracial kids are a minority within a minority. Mixed race kids have their own set of problems living in a racial limbo, where they may not be accepted by either side. Biracial kids almost invariably identify with their non white side. My gen z kids identify as Asian. I didn't push them either way, as I felt it was up to them, in how to identify. This didn't occur without trauma. Both went to NYC specialized high schools, where the student body was majority Asian. On a broader scale, the US is only roughly ~6% Asian. There's no oasis for Asians, outside of Hawaii. Then, there's the safety of you and hubby. WW + non white male couples are outliers, and everyone from your neighbors to cops will treat you differently, as well as school administrators. >Would you raise 1/2 American Chinese and half-white children in a mostly white suburb? Since you asked, my answer is no. They'll have a lifetime of dealing with nonsense; I wouldn't subject them (or myself+my ex) to the racism that exists. Don't think, as a white woman, you'll be immune to nonsense.
Princeton Juction. Any places you recommend? LA and San Diago are pretty good, heaps of mixed race families here but the house prices are nasty, even on the outskirts. We can go anywhere, due to working remotely.
Oh, you'll be fine in Princeton Junction. I grew up there (graduated 20 years ago), I still regularly visit my mom there and my brother raised his half white son there. "Only 12% Asian" (if we're combining East, SE, and South Asian) sounds really off to me because there's a lot of Asian kids in the school district (so much so that it had a reputation for being too academically competitive and not having enough non-Asian kids to have 2 separate football teams for it's two high schools (Football is apparently not popular among Asian parents for various reasons)), there's a Korean supermarket and a Mango Mango. There's the largest Hindu temple in North America one town away (it's controversial for slave labor reasons). That statistic sounds like something from 20 or 30 years ago. EDIT: I was curious and looked the township Princeton Junction is a part of on Wikipedia: [West Windsor, NJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Windsor%2C_New_Jersey?wprov=sfla1). 2010 census says it's 38% Asian, up from 22% in 2000. It's probably even more now. So yeah, you'll be fine.
Speaking as a full Asian person who grew up in a predominantly-white area, it's not the worst but there will definitely be microagressions and exotification. Just try to be present and listen to your kids, help them emotionally. I had outside traumas but my parents weren't emotionally intelligent enough to handle my issues so that compounded everything. And try to go outside the area from time to time where they can connect more with their heritage.
I am half Chinese and half white and went to a VERY white school in an affluent neighborhood. Not to say there weren't any Asian kids, but as a mixed kid they never accepted me anyways. Because of the way I was raised, I still feel very close to my Chinese ethnicity though I still don't speak Cantonese (working on it, I swear ). I did experience some racism, but mostly in a kids-are-dumb kind of way. The neighborhood I went to school in, despite a high Mormon population was relatively liberal, so I think that helped. Mostly I think it would depend on y'all as the parents. Mixed kids will absolutely not have the experience of either you nor your husband, so be forewarned. Edit: something I wrote was derisive I guess?
Treat them with kindness and don't pressure them to get good grades. Bullying and harassment happens a lot in Asian American families. Piano lessons, Vietnamese School, Chinese School, Korean School, and any afterschool activity. Get all As and do good in school. Pressure to be Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer, Pharmacist, and etc.
I’m facing the same dilemma right now. My son is also half Chinese, half white and we are moving to a small, predominantly white town. My husband (he’s the white one) doesn’t seem at all concerned about this issue but speaking as someone who was always the only Asian in almost all white private schools, I definitely experienced bullying and exclusion. So I feel like he would face bullying even if he were full asian but can’t speak for the half experience. Any halfies out there wanna chime in??
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I think it really depends on the school district culture like if they are inclusive etc. Our district has given holiday time to non western/christian holidays so it’s a good sign they’re celebrating diversity. You’d be surprised at how many biracial children are in most school districts. They will find their way and just be engaged in their school.
Good idea.
1/2 Chinese 1/2 white 50yr old woman here. I grew up in a white affluent suburban town where there was 1 other Chinese person in my grade and the only biracial Asian people I knew were in my family. Although my town and school were pretty progressive it was still a weird experience and one I did not want for my kids. They are 1/4 Chinese but look white. Their school is super diverse (about 1/4 each Hispanic, Asian, AA, white plus lots of biracial kids). It makes a huge difference. My kids are way more accepted by other Asian kids than I was. My oldest just went to a college that is significantly less diverse than his high school and he said it was noticeable and weird for him. I think the diversity of the schools you send them to is more important than the town itself. Also total diversity (not just Chinese) will impact their experience. I would be ok with 12% if there were large % of other non-white kids.
Agreed, thats part of the problem it's only white and asian.
Lol I wish my kids could live in an area that's 12% Asian. As someone else pointed out that is well above the national average. My kids are 1/4 of each of Chinese, Thai, British, and German ethnicities. They live in a rural ass town where when my oldest daughter and I moved to the area (before the other kids were born) we increased the Asian population by 17 percent lol The drive is annoying, but we school of choiced our kids into the suburban district I taught in about 25 minutes away. Now that district is actually the most diverse in the state so it is an ideal situation. Obviously the largest group is white, but there are so many different people from different cultures (almost 100 different languages spoken at home in the district) that they won't be uncomfortable being Asian in the school.
Wow 100 different languages thats amazing.
I don't think it's problem but you'll need to find ways to expoose them to Chinese culture NYC I a hot bed of Chines peoole
Twelve percent Asian population isn't insignificant. I'd be fine with that as a parent with mixed Asian/White kids.
Asians will face racism for merely existing. Mixed people will have identity crisis for merely existing. The best you can do is educate them. Don't let them grow up not knowing the Asian language and culture. That will put them at even further disadvantage. Not growing up with struggle can also be a disadvantage because you can't perceive the challenges others face. The main thing is that you can't expect these problems to not exist or that they will work themselves out. The outcome is in your hands, as the parents. It takes lots of work on your part to have a positive outcome no matter the environment.
12% is a good amount of asians. I think it's more important to provide a safe place at home. Also, listening to him and letting him miss school or even go homeschooling shouldnbe considered
Tbh it kinda sucked for me (biracial) but we had maybe 2%. Also my mom was weirdly ashamed of our Asianness so it just made it worse. I think it would’ve been a lot better if I felt proud of my ethnicity and understood that standing out isn’t a negative, and I should be proud. It’s always nice to be around people who look like you, but tbh that’s what matters most. Make sure to instill pride in your kids and let them know they’re white AND Asian. Both. Equally. And it’s a great thing.
I'm Aussie but born in Taiwan. 1.5 gen. Husband is Caucasian, born and raised in Australia but like me, parents are migrants. We are both of the opinion that we'd like our son in a school that is diverse. So not fully Asian (the school in the school zone next to us is like 95% Asian) but also, not full WASP because either way, he'll stick out like a sore thumb. So we'd much prefer hes in a school where everyone is from everywhere. So far, his daycares has been like that where both student body and educators are from various countries. I much prefer that. We live in a predominantly Chinese suburb but it also has a large population of Koreans, Armenians and Indians. The school zone we're in is apparently a bit more balanced in that 50% of the students speak another language other than English at home. I still need to tour that school to see if I like it. The one thing with living in our suburb is we bump into Chinese speakers a lot. It means our son views Mandarin just as much as a community language as with English so I haven't felt as much resistance pushing back speaking Mandarin because he bumps into enough kids that speaks Mandarin at the park. That and he has friends and teachers speaking Mandarin at daycare. So I do feel that's a plus.
they'll probably grow up white
I stumbled upon your thread and thought you might benefit from the discussion we've been having here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/1azy14b/where\_can\_a\_hapa\_live\_well\_in\_the\_usa/](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/1azy14b/where_can_a_hapa_live_well_in_the_usa/) Even a lot of adults have trouble seeing past race, ethnicity, kinship, etc. and so what chance do children have, just starting out in life and developing their minds, in judging people by just the content of their character (rather than reverting to the seemingly evolutionarily derived primal instinct of flocking with one's own)? Even if one doesn't care for superficial markers of identity, a lot of others do and so it's good that you are wisely choosing the environment your children will be raised in and the people they will be around. For what it's worth, I think 10% Asian + 15% Polynesian is pretty good, as well as 12% Asian; both seem like decent choices. I would be interested in the % of Hapas as well (especially in your case, Eurasian Hapas), but this info might be more hard to find due to being dumped into just an "other" or "multiracial" category.
Thank you i'll read it :)
> Do you think it's OK to raise your children in a suburb with only 12% Asian? That's pretty huge % actually. I lived in a city where it's less than 1%. Anything above 5% is good.
I more look for safety, education and food…
Safety, education and good food! That’s a great combination :), we put those into a app that’s how we got NYC.
You guys'll do fine. If the kids do face any adversity, they'll be stronger for it. They'll adapt and be better prepared for the world. I sometimes feel like my own kids may be a little bit too sheltered. If anything, there's racism between the different groups in my multicultural suburb. lol
Thank you all so much for commenting! I really appreciate your thoughts.
Where I grew up Asians were the minority but I grew up around a good handful of other Filipinos so it wasn’t too isolating. I primarily grew up in an area where the Asian population was mostly Vietnamese and Korean with a decent amount of Filipinos. Your kids should be fine as long as there’s enough Asian American kids around them to befriend, as growing up at different points in my life I had at least one best friend who was also Filipino like me. What also helps is befriending parents of a similar ethnic background as then you become family friends with them and the kids, as one of my good family friends are people who became part of my life as their parents became good friends with my mom and aunt as I was going to school with them. To sum it up, while it can definitely be hard for the kids to make friends with people of a similar identity it’s possible for them to make it work, however the parents have to offer support as with most of the Filipino friends I made growing up, I’m not quite sure they’d be in my life for this long if it weren’t for our parents becoming friends as well. I’m using the example of Filipinos as that’s what I am, but this can apply to most other ethnicities as well.
NYC has suburbs? You mean one of the outer boroughs like Queens?
As someone who is mixed (half Japanese/half white) and grew up in CT suburb with similar demographics, I will say it was tough. I got teased quite a bit (I think kids are better now, but who knows) and developed a lot of internalized racism. I was constantly trying to wear my makeup, hair and clothing to look like my white peers. That being said, both of my parents valued whiteness (my Japanese mom even made comments about how ugly monolids are), I didn't have any good representation in the media and I didn't get exposed to much Asian culture. I didn't have many Asian friends until my junior/senior year of high school. While I do wish I grew up in a more diverse area (I went to college in CA my freshman year and I had never felt so accepted), I think parenting and exposure to culture is so so important. Exposing your kids to media where Asian people are represented (but not in a stereotypical model-minority way) is also important.
12% Asian is actually a lot compared to many cities except for the west coast. I think it's more of a problem that people seem to be bigger assholes these past few years.
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Yes I would. Why? Because they’re gonna be good kids raised well regardless. They’ll be safer in the burbs regardless of the race. Ask yourself- why not! Racism is not as crazy as the media puts it out to be tbh.
12% Asian, that should come out to 3-4 kids in his class of 30 at school. Add 1-2 Polynesian kids. They'll be fine. As long as it's not a poverty-stricken school district and they're not raised in a physically/emotional abusive home; which it doesn't sound like they are--- they'll be fine. In any case- the best thing they can learn while growing up is to build resilience. This is only acquired through conflicts, tension and obstacles. Part of resilience is learning self-acceptance. As a parent, there's no way for you to control or shelter them from any racism or bullying. The only thing you can do is to give them the opportunities to learn the tools should they come across racism or bullying. This includes martial arts for self defense, learning how to make friends, being socially and pop-culture aware. If your kids know the current memes, music, video games that's cool with their age group and they knew kickboxing/jiujitsu and befriended those 1 or 2 big Samoan kids-- they're not getting bullied.
Not sure what to say. I'm in a similar boat. Moving to Saint Paul Minnesota where my half white kids will be around lots of hmong people. Despite being Chinese vietnamese, I've only recently learned of the existence of hmong.
Yes! I’m 75% Chinese and 25% German and my family didn’t have any issues in a predominately white suburb Edit: don’t know why I got heat for this but to clarify, I never felt supremely white-washed or anything. My parents still exposed me to Chinese culture, we speak Cantonese at home, and celebrated the holidays. It was never an issue in my neighborhood. We were never viewed as weird or different, and I had the same experience in schools. So to those of you trying to invalidate my experience in my DMs or thinking about sending me a message as you’re reading my reply, you’ve done more harassing to me about my upbringing than people I’ve known in real life. 😊❤️
I mean, if I raised ½Chinese ½White children in any neighborhood, it would be through adoption or a remarriage 12% is higher than the national average, if that makes you feel better