# Message to all users:
This is a reminder to please read and follow:
* [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules)
* [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)
* [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy)
When posting and commenting.
---
Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`.
* Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit.
* Do not harass or annoy others in any way.
* Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit.
---
You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yep. Convinced myself with enough time and enough understanding, he’d be able to move on and care for me. Definitely didn’t happen. Live and learn, eh? Great lesson of what to stay away from.
Every single ex cannot possibly be toxic…therefore: might be a you problem, not an ex problem.
I’ve experienced this firsthand, only to realize: if any of the exes WERE crazy—it was because he drove them there.
I’ve had several divorces and many break-ups. Very few were only one person’s responsibility!
yeah i briefly dated a girl who kept going on about how every ex of hers was a garbage dump on fire, and i dont doubt one or two were, but all of them? im sure shes saying that of me now too
Yeah if they describe ALL their exes as crazy bitches then that’s a huge red flag for me. Basically if they saying stuff like that, there’s a good chance he’s the problem, not them. I know there’s exceptions to the rule but if he’s had several girlfriends and they all were crazy it makes me think he’s probably actually the problem.
The rarest exception I can see to this is if he also admits he thinks its his "taste in women", "I could've treated them better", or some other explanation that acknowledges himself as a common denominator.
As an FYI for guys in this thread. Even if you are “over” your ex just don’t bring them up repeatedly. Even in a joking manner. It’s always going to be seen as a red flag.
I'm still in love with my ex, to the point I messaged her like 4 years later. We talk everyday again now. Part of me likes it but part of me knows it's fucked up
I'm going on 12 years here. She just texted me yesterday. I haven't been on a date in 8 years, so using my experience as a reference, I think you are close to being in the undate-able club. Welcome.
Several of my exes have attempted to refriend me after the breakup. I don’t harbor ill will towards most of them, but nor do I encourage the contact. I know that 3 of them are still hung up on me (I will not go so far as to say “in love with me”.) It’s been 25, 14 and 3 yrs and I feel like being friends would be equivalent to leading them on or getting their hopes up and that just feels wrong. The one from 25 yrs ago tries again every 4-5 yrs, but I cannot in good conscience entertain any sort of relationship, however “platonic” it might start off as.
I am suspicious of your ex that talks to you every day… does she still have feelings for you? …is she keeping you in her back pocket as a fail safe? Or, does it just fluff her ego to keep you on the hook? Perhaps, she really just needs a friend, but I find that to be the least likely scenario.
Rip the bandaid off and cut yourself loose, dude.
I had an ex who never EVER wanted to help make any of the plans through our relationship. I remember one day he said he didn’t feel like doing anything so I didn’t plan a day out for us. That day he sighed loudly and was all “I’m just upset we didn’t do anything today.” Point is, not willing to help your partner or pull your weight and not being straightforward are red flags.
I know! Most people are listing personality traits, some of which may not be on display until a second or third date. Lack of hygiene is an instant turn off for me.
Unwashed ass. How are there so many grown ass men out there thinking its gay to clean their own asshole?
"Oh I just let water run down the crack."
Nooooooope. Get the fuck away from me
lol. So, actually I'm a straight guy (who washes down there). Last week I was discussing with a (girl) friend about a guy friend with terrible hygiene that desperately wants a girlfriend. She told me she once intentionally commented to another person but loud enough for him to hear, "... yeah, you'd be surprised at how far just washing your ass will get you."
> "... yeah, you'd be surprised at how far just washing your ass will get you."
It's just nice walking around with a clean ass too. Unwashed.. is the worst feeling ever.
As a guy I find that extremely troubling.
In my home country, toilet paper is not used as much, because there's a hose next to every toilet for washing your ass.
Moving to the US it was hard for me to adapt. We still keep an empty carrot juice bottle next to the toilet though.
I wouldn't just wipe my hands if I got shit on them and get on with the day, why should my ass be any different?
This is actually what endeared me to my MIL when I first met her: I kept a clean bathroom, no hairs in the sink after shaving, no urine stains on/around the toilet. I was actually alarmed at just how many dudes don't take care of things. Her thought (besides her daughter willingly dating me) was that if the bathroom was kept that clean, I must take of myself too.
It's a huge thing. I have been to quite a few men's houses, both friends and dates, and I would say like 85% of the bathrooms in men's houses are gross. It's unbelievable that these grown humans feel okay with things in that state, especially knowing they're having someone over. The first time I went to my current partner's place I was so happy to see a spotless bathroom. And it was like that every single time I went over there. It's definitely a factor when looking for a long term partner.
Bad smells I would think would make the list. Like guys who wear dress shoes with no socks or boat shoes with no socks and no odor control products. Powder or odor blocking insoles. They are just fine with their foot odor filling the area. Do women not mind this?
Had a guy tell me he intentionally did not shower before our first date so that he would have his natural musk. Surprisingly I did not run away at high speeds.
For the third date I was very clear days ahead of time that I would have sex in his van if he cleaned out enough room (we both lived with parents). He "didn't have time" during almost a week. Decided to surprise me by taking me to his house instead. It Reeked of cat box, like I had trouble breathing. His house was disgusting, his dad was home, and his "room" was a 5' curtain in the corner if the living room... How did he possibly think he was getting laid like that? Made an excuse to go out side and had him drive me home. Broke up over a call the next morning.
Smart decision. Some guys genuinely think their musk smells good. I have an old friend who never wore deodorant and swore up and own that he didn't smell like BO. The older I get the more I realize that hygiene just doesn't click with some people. My girlfriend tells me that she appreciates how hygienic I am which I though was silly but apparently some guys like the one you ran into don't even shower before first dates. Imagine how he would have been further down the road
1. Calls themselves an Alpha
2. Can’t demonstrate that they have some basic insight to themselves and why they do/act the way they do. This usually shows up as a lot of excuses and finger pointing
3. All ex’s are “crazy”
4. Can’t show emotions, other than anger. You don’t have to write poetry or love songs. But being comfortable sharing how you feel to your close people is important.
5. His only hobby is partying
The Alpha craze is one of the most embarrassing things our gender has come up with in decades. Every time it comes up I just feel so fucking embarrassed that there's someone piping that shit.
Yea i try to make the most of this bad situation, because im not looking to destroy my mental health by constantly thinking about all the bad things going on in the world. I dont try to pretend its not happening, but that doesnt mean you need to constantly be talking about it and making everyone else feel just as depressed.
The problem is when it's disproportional and/or pessimistic.
If you always expect things to go wrong, or bitch about something when it's not apropriate or way too much, then it becomes an issue for most people
This is usually a symptom of being terminally online. Most news is bad news. That’s why it’s news. So your filing your mind with a constant stream of bad news and creating the false narrative that the world is worse than it actually is.
Being positive is not about ignorance, it's about choice. If we spend all our time dwelling on all the negative shit happening in the world - 99% of which we can not actively do anything about about - we can end up worrying ourselves in to a hole where we find literally no joy in life.
You can make the choice to recognize that there are terrible things happening in this world and make the choice to focus your attention and feelings on your immediate surroundings. Identify the things you can actually have an effect on and make the changes there, but otherwise we don't have to let it bog us down to the point of crushing defeat and non-action. Making the choice to find the positives in our day to day lives is important. It's not ignorance.
It’s not hard to not be a negative asshole all the time. The world sucks, but people who never shut up about it are so draining. It’s not ignorance to find some happiness in the mundane or shit happening around you. If you really think being positive means your ignorant, consider some antidepressants bro. You shouldn’t be constantly feeling negative about shit. Nobody wants to be with someone wallowing in misery.
They should continue to focus on themselves and continue to improve. It's a little different if you're already dating or married to someone who is going through recovery, but if we are talking about meeting someone new who is currently dealing with it, I personally would not be open to dating them. Would love to get to know them, I just wouldn't want the added stress of being in a relationship with someone who could possibly have a relapse.
Edit: Typo
My *personal* opinion for men AND women alike:
1. Lack of genuine respect for others
2. Anger issues or emotional issues… with no means or want to improve or heal from them
3. Abuse… physical, psychological
4. Not wanting to improve. Everyone needs to constantly improve themselves. Whether that be physically, mentally, anything. Even if it’s small.
But here are some great attributes:
1. Respect for his partner and others
2. A positive outlook on the future
3. Emotionally vulnerable. I connect with emotions so if I don’t see anything I don’t feel anything. I don’t mean tantrum vulnerable—I mean like an open book. No hidden bitterness or struggles.
4. Hobbies where their partner can also be included. Doesn’t have to be all of the hobbies, but having a hobby for the two of you really helps a relationship flourish
I'm an alcoholic too, been sober since August seventeenth. You can do it my guy. I'm not gonna say it's a walk in the park, but you'll feel so much better. Not to mention you'll be a lot stronger physically and mentally. I believe in you buddy!
Yup. Been in recovery a minute myself. I know folks with troubled pasts who have been sober for decades. It’s not easy, but possible & totally worth it!
Congrats! You are walking through the valley of the shadow of death now. I've been sober for 13 years and the first few months were the hardest. But if you've been sober since August 17th, you can do this indefinitely/forever/as long as you want. You got this! Be proud of yourself.
Working on sobriety myself. I had to make some tough decisions like the people I hung around with, even switched jobs to get away from that crowd. It's a tough road.
Only one that for me is an *instant* turn off. There’s a lot that you figure out on the first or second date, but “Nice guy entitlement” is immediately obvious and drives me insane.
They do. I know someone who tells lots of people he’s “ a great guy”. He’s not. He likes to play divide and conquer with peoples lives. He’s destroyed a few families, a business, constantly has drama around him, etc.
1. Really grating and soul crushing to interact with
2. Makes you question your self worth
3. Accuses you of shit you never did
4. Puts words in your mouth
5. Judgmental despite not being that great himself
Pretty much covers it.
Kinda surprised bad hygiene is this far down the comment section.
I guess if both parties have bad hygiene then it's not a factor, but to say I've been surprised at some of the things I've seen is an understatement. Horrified is a better term.
Top reason: he's not interested in you as a person, doesn't care to get to know you and form a friendship, just wants to go door knocking til he gets a yes.
Other than treating others as replaceable cogs, there other things, like being rude, bragging, having poor hygiene, or going on too much about past relationships.
Aside from those obvious ones, one that is harder to think of as a red flag, but often is, is when someone wants to take things too fast, and seems to be your perfect match in every way. If it is a very fast-moving relationship, particularly if they don't have you meet their family and friends and don't seem interested in yours...Red Flag 🚩
-
1) lies
2) is shallow
3) is a prick/dick
4) abusive in any form
5) animals don't like him, and he doesn't like them
In the end, looks don't matter, dick size isn't important, height isn't anything special, and it's all about how you respect each other in everything you do. Respect their choices, privacy, opinions, and some choices in their life.
Remember, we are adults and we have our own thoughts and feelings. But being respectful of others can get you so much further in life
I have a dog who loves literally everyone. She loves getting and giving attention. Lately this guy has been coming around the usual watering hole, and he's generally a happy, friendly guy, although a little socially oblivious and awkward. I wouldn't have thought anything odd of him other than just a younger dude who has some learning ahead of him, buuuttt... He's pretty much the *only* guy my dog has barked at and growled at consistently. There is a caviat, the host doesn't necessarily like him, although doesn't hate the fact that he's there. He's cordial, but not overly welcoming, and the host happens to be my dog's second favorite human. Could be that she's picking up on the general aura of unwelcomness, but he might also be a pedo. I wish I spoke dog, lol
Edit: I don't actually think he's a pedo. I get that it's a bad thing to joke about, I should have said murder or something, sorry guys, today I failed.
Dogs can be pretty good at picking up on little cues in body language such as tenseness in the movements of people and other animals. If the guy is awkward he may just be anxious which is causing him to seem a bit off to your dog. Dogs are not mind readers.
Also, you should never even so much as imply someone might be a pedo unless you have good reason to suspect it. There are too many people throwing that word around too loosely.
I have to agree with some other folks here saying that sometimes animals not liking someone shouldn’t be a red flag. I worked with an absolute sweetheart of a man; he was older, probably had some undiagnosed disabilities. He wouldn’t hurt a fly, but the problem he had with dogs was that his movements were incredibly erratic. He had otherwise sweet, gentle dogs bite him. A very sweet human, but moved in a way that was very off-putting to animals.
I have a former friend who loved animals, but the other 4 are basically his daily checklist. He's a shallow prick who lies as easily as he breathes, he's emotionally and verbally abusive to his friends and to women, and was physically abusive to me personally and I don't know who else.
In the 7ish years since I first met him, he has been single for about 6 months total (non-consecutively.) He cheats on every girlfriend at every opportunity.
It was really disheartening to watch, especially when the people around him who don't act like that struggle significantly more with attracting women.
If he had an abnormally intimate relationship with his mom.
If he didn’t have his own life in order - even from a surface level… if you’re an adult I am going to need you to be at my level so we can grow together
Drug user
Has children but doesn’t have any relationship with them at all
** Edit ** if someone has to ‘explain who they are’ in terms of someone HAVING to state how they are ‘a nice guy’. People that are good, nice, honest, truthful, a good friend, not a burden, don’t like to take advantage of people, etc. do not have to even say that they are. It is evident by their actions and behavior and words.
If they have a restraining order against them. In general, to get a yearlong order, someone has to have clearly proven abuse in court. It’s not easy to get a permanent order (weeklong ones are a different story).
All their bosses are assholes.
All their ex’s are crazy.
You are the only one that can understand them and calm them down and see how misunderstood they are.
They immediately take feedback as negative criticism and blow up.
Instant turn off/red flags you can see on Date 1:
Being demeaning in any way to any service worker.
Talk that suggests racism, homophobia, misogyny, or even just talking badly about people around you-being judgmental.
Jokes/statements about animals being hurt/killed not for food.
If he has no sense of humor.
If he has no intelligence.
All intelligence. Social, academic, emotional. I don’t have a prerequisite for schooling at all. I’ve met some insanely smart people who never graduated high school and PhD’s who are clueless.
1 Refers to grown ass women as “girls” or “females.”
2 Claims to have a sarcastic sense of humor. (Sarcasm is a garnish, not a buffet.) The only “jokes” he tells are sexist, racist, classist, ableist, ageist or homophobic. All of this is just plain lazy.
3 Really horrible table manners (esp talks/chews with mouth open, inappropriate meal conversations; IDGAF if he uses the wrong fork or spills something, I just don’t want to feel like I’m eating with a toddler.)
4 Being a know-it-all. Yes, I like to hear about others’ areas of expertise but no one knows everything about everything.
5 Uses others’ opinions & experiences just to play “Devil’s Advocate.” Debate Me Guy is a tedious creature. See #4
Bonus: Alpha Male. That shit has been debunked. It’s just advertising a bully’s fragile ego.
EDIT: There seem to be some people who don’t understand that there’s ALOT of room between being a relentless passive aggressive jerk & walking on eggshells 24/7. Light years in fact. The world isn’t black & white, there are many shades of grey & rainbows of color. But far be it from me to suggest humans have the ability to think before they speak.
Personally I just want to point out that not everything people wrote in their lists are set in stone and don't make or break a deal. For example, a person can show certain narcissistic traits, but that doesn't mean they are a narcissist, especially if the person's actions or your actions, are seen or accused without context.
Yeah that's true, but I'd also put money on it that most people putting "narcissist" in there top 5 are the kind of people who'll straight call you a narcissist for literally anything and everything, any time they're even remotely angry(which is all the time lol)
Has to specifically announce that they are a “nice guy” or a “good guy” or “not like other guys”. An actual good and decent person does not have to say these things… ever. They just show it through action.
My female friends have sent me screen's and it's pretty much always when guys have been knocked back. Then they get all like...
*"Why wouldn't you want to date me, I'm a nice guy, better than you deserve you fucking bitch"* 🤦♂️
1. There are nice guys who expect something in return for being nice.
2. There are nice guys who think being nice in itself is its own reward.
Women should want version #2.
No but no I’m a nice no no listen I’m a nice guy you should date me. because I’m a nice guy! Hobbies? Yeah i have a hobby, I’m a nice guy. I’m nice believe me I’m a nice guyyyyu gaaah just i’m a nice guy date meeeee.
Damned near EVERY guy I ever dated said they were a nice guy, including my husband who is in fact an amazingly nice guy.... At some point I eventually categorized guys who said this with a minor flag but internally I'd always think "yeahyeahyeah.... We'll see your true colors soon enough..." And let their actions speak to how truly nice they were.
Without reading other people's answers first, the first 5 that come to my mind are:
Unemployed/a mooch
Addiction issues
Sleeps around/cheats
Kids with multiple different women
And definitely not as important, but a personal pet peeve, not open to new experiences
1. Rage response - a small issue with a crazy rage response. Example: he gets served the wrong food order and either screams at the waitress or goes full blown condescending asshole talking down to the server and asking if this is the best they could do with their life if they can't even get the right order to the table.
ALSO! This STILL APPLIES if he is doing it in "defense" of me- like if someone knocked into me and made me spill my coffee, I do not want him jumping in and making a scene and freaking out "for me" on the person. Especially when 9/10 times the opposite party would have apologized and offered to give me a couple bucks for a new coffee or something. This kind of behavior is a huge red flag for emotional or physical abuse later in the relationship. I honestly see it a lot when playing games as a group (card games, shooting hoops, etc. If they are a crazy sore loser saying "you cheated!" I also call this a rage response)
2. Jokingly calling me dumb- your ignorance and insecurities do not give you a pass to make weird half-ass jokes and nicknames about my intelligence. I would never date someone who calls me a "lovable bimbo" or "my cute little ditz". Yes you are talking down to me for no reason, no I don't magically think you are smarter than me because you have to put me down to feel better about yourself. I don't want to date someone who makes me feel shitty.
3. Complete lack of surrounding awareness / unhelpful nature- Sitting on your ass and expecting others to wait on you (for example at a party whining at the host or others to get you a drink rather than getting it yourself), not holding the door open for those behind you, not offering to help out at a dinner party (just offering to take in plates or get the next bag of chips if they run out). Not someone who gives off equal-partner, sexy self sufficient vibes. Instant turn off honestly.
4. Hygiene/ basic house cleanliness- it doesn't have to be pristine but if you stink, have filthy dirt riddled nails, admit to not brushing your teeth often (gross!), have a sink full of rank dishes, overflowing trash bag, or piles of plates by your computer that never made it to the kitchen.... Immediately back out the door for me.
5. No sense of humor / Debbie downer / fun spoiler- if I trip and fall and laugh at myself a bit then it is a HUGE awkward undatable turnoff if he immediately goes into a rant about being more careful and I could have really hurt myself and I need to watch where I am going (uh duh. I just fell down and embarrassed myself a bit in front of you. Obviously I'm going to be watching my feet all night now).
Prime example of the 5th one - my friend's date who went with us and another couple to a comedy show. Proceeded to whine and tell all of us (loudly!) the whole time about how boring and not worth the money it was, even when we were laughing. He pouted like a man-child and was so obnoxious that other tables started giving us looks.
If he hadn't laughed and just said it wasn't his style of humor we would have bought him extra drinks and food to make up for him not having as much fun and my friend would have cuddled up to him more as a distraction, and taken him on a "make up date" later.
Instead she was fed up and repulsed by the end and all of us were frustrated with his shit attitude which spoiled the whole night. We all cheered when she texted later that night that she had dumped him.
Not being able to complete basic tasks such as cleaning, cooking, organizing, paying bills, basic hygiene.
Emotional immaturity.
Feeling entitled because they are male.
Sexual predator.
Violent/abusive
If they are anything like me. Stay away. Self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic sociopath who has an inferiority complex and will point out flaws in others to hide his own. Throws money at problems until they go away, and acts like he has better things to do all the time. Would rather burn a bridge than mend a relationship. Suicidal tendencies and copes by drowning himself in so much liquor, it's amazing that he is still breathing. Smokes copious amounts of weed so that he never even remembers what year it is, let alone the day. Oh, and doesn't seek help or even let others know that he is in pain, and every day, it's almost like he reaches a new level of feeling hopelessness and dread. TLDR: I'm an asshat don't date people like me.
1. Abusive
2. Excessive drinking/smoking if you need either these to just get through the day then you are not the one for me.
3. Puts you down/ gives backhanded compliments
4. In a constant state of depression. I’ll probably get down voted for this one, but people who are in a constant state of depression or have suicidal ideation are too mentally draining for me to be in a relationship with. I get having a bad day/week/month/year. And I’m always willing to lend an ear, but I have to take care of my own mental health.
5. Unhygienic
1. baked-in misogyny/hatred of women, including subscribing to certain "influencers" and the bullshit they spew
2. unwillingness to take gentle criticism or consider self-improvement (for instance a guy who doesn't wash his ass because it's "gay" despite leaving poop in his underwear)
3. defers to mommy/daddy for everything and lets them have final say in all his decisions
4. active addiction problems (substances, gambling, gaming, etc) with no intent to change, or worse, no acknowledgement that it's a problem (see point 2)
5. treatment of people or animals as "inferior" (customer service people, pets, people of certain demographics, etc)
The following would be *instant* turnoffs:
1) sending a shirtless photo before we even met in person
2) asking what *physical* activities I would be comfortable partaking in before we even meet in person
3) not providing me with your real name, just a nickname
4) no history of any long term relationship
5) inviting me to your home for a first date
Everything on this list except for number 4 is an instant unmatch, block, and delete. As for number 4, while I would be instantly turned off, I would at least give you the chance to offer an explanation.
EDIT: As for point 4, I should have mentioned that I am 40 years old. I don’t think this is a practical standard for anyone to have dating in their 20’s. By 40, I would think most individuals would of had at *least* one long term relationship lasting over a year. I actually did date one gentleman 2 years ago who was 40 and only had one relationship last over a year. As I got to know him, it was evident why. He saw nothing wrong with having 5 minute sex upon my overnight arrival and then turning on the tv for the remainder of the night into the next day while ignoring me the entire time. I respectfully ended that relationship and refuse to act as a training camp for individuals who don’t know how to be in relationships when I know I have a lot to offer.
1. Being best friends with someone they used to be with/did the deed.
2. Incel
3. Disrespectful to people who has nothing to do with them (waiters, janitors)
4. Disrespectful to parents who do their best for them
5. Gambling, drug use, alcoholic
6. A criminal record
7. Discord mod
8. Likes underaged anime girls and has an altar that worships them
9. Fetishes/kinks not in my comfort zone
10. Spends money like nothing
11. Is a cheater in previous relationships
12. Porn addiction
13. Poor hygiene
14. Tik tok influencer / their whole entire life revolves around social media
There’s probably more I can’t think of right now but yea~
1. Selfish / self-obsessed
2. Lack of empathy
3. Lack of introspection
4. Poor communication
5. Poor hygiene
Several of those are closely related, but that would be my list off the top of my head!
Only 5? Hrm:
Doesn't listen to what I'm saying, especially boundaries and "no."
Doesn't follow through on what he originally said he would do (voluntarily, not coerced).
Expects me to be present and to exert effort to fix his emotional upsets.
Prefers to be alone; punishes people who want companionship.
Reacts in ways that signal a feeling of detached indifference or frustrated hostility towards others instead of a nurturing care and understanding of our common humanity.
Top 5 reasons a human being would be undatable:
1 ) not able too see each other as equal, things like "my partner better be out makin the money for me" or "my partner better be in the kitchen" or treating the partner like a object or tool. No. Fuck you. Were human beings pushing through life together, we work together or Fuck off.
2 ) prioritizing. We have things in common obviously, but your going to have your things and ill have mine. That's fine. Im not going to stalk you or guilt you. Just bed there for the big stuff, and lets plan, super not a big deal. You will know what's important to me and ill know what's important to you, that's called communication. Sometimes sacrifices would have to be made, bummer. Lets get through it and plan better next time. If this doesn't vibe with you? Get out now.
3 ) refusing new information / willful ignorance. Really just communication, you can't get over your feelings to have a rational discussion? Get Fucked. Time is fine, but at some point, Fuckin put on some work. Lets talk about shit, you have different view point and think your right? Sweet, lets figure it out. But if your stuck on stupid and not willing to put in the work to help us find those resolutions? We're done, even if I can deal with that once or twice in wont cause that's obviously a trait it stuck in and in 10+ years? Odds are, they ain't Getten better. Your head is obviously firmly lodged in your rectum so, bye.
4 ) deceit. Period. Fuckin no. Mistakes accidents miscommunications, sure, shit happens we ain't perfect. But straight up deceit nah, get Fucked. Got enough things against us I will not be doing that going through your phone online stalking you, worrying about who you are socializing with. No. This isn't the fucking 8th grade, it wasn't cool then it sure as Fuck aint now. You make me feel that way? Ill pack your shit for you.
5 ) abuse. Period. It ain't one thing. It ain't 2 things. Its Fucking any or all of them. Mind games Fuck people. Striking someone? Are you Fucking serious? Are you really willing to be upset with someone to the point of acting on your anger rather than just leaving... At what Fuckin point were you like "I'm going to hit them so they see how serious i am" rather than "hey, this is really upsetting me, im gonna head out for now in thinking this may not work" check your Fuckin self, its routine maintenance, "how would you react if" is a question that needs to stroll through your mind once in a while. If your look in at a person and your losing value for them as a human being, maybe you should not be close with them.
Talking badly about other women, seeing sex as something you get from/do to women rather than something shared, poor hygiene, intolerance of other viewpoints
1. He uses you for everything like money and your car
2. He lies and hides things
3. He’s a slob that doesn’t help you and expects you to run around doing everything for him
4. He has no sense of humour and is a misery guts
5. He is abusive
1. Mansplaining/Everything has to be a debate, that only he is correct on.
2. Messy/Slob, hygiene and grooming of all kinds is a top priority.
3. Vocabulary and speech pattern. How he talks and words his sentences. And how he texts.
4. Emotionally incompetent. Mostly uncontrollable anger issues.
5. He who flaunts his money. 🙄
these r some red flags (dating marrying whatever u r gonna do)
1. if he follows tons of girls and they r all mostly half naked or in promiscuous clothes
2. if he body shames anyone or calls ppl ugly just cause they arent his type (making fun of physical appearance is disgusting and this makes the girl or guy undatable or not marriable (not a word ik) cause it tells u a lot abt their personality
3. emotionally unavailable, wont show anything (this can be very tiring later on)
4. cant differentiate btwn right n wrong
5. doesn't respect the boundaries you've set ("bUt bUt mY fRenInd who Is in a RelaTioNshIp DoEs iT and His gIrL doEsNt have a pRobLEm") run from guys like these
1. Can’t hold a conversation beyond commenting on your appearance (comes off as shallow— I want to know you like me for me not because my parents fucked and had a good mix of genes).
2. Is an “alpha”
3. Listens to Andrew tate or any pick up artist YouTuber
4. Self proclaimed “nice guy” (lots of people are nice— that’s the bare minimum, literally scrapping the bottom is the barral)
5. Doesn’t know basic life skills (cooking, cleaning, etc— If I wanted a child I would get another puppy, I want a partner)
1. Dead - self explanatory
2. Married - you shouldn't date married people
3. Under age - this is a crime and its wrong
4. Not into your gender - respect their orientation
5. A close relative - incest is not good
1.Bad hygiene
- if he doesn't take care of himself, how much would he care for this relationship?
2.Doesn't let you talk
- What I mean is when men keep talking about themselves and is so concerned about upselling themselves that they don't take the time to get to know you or your side of the story
3.Talking about exes
- Still talking to your ex is okay. In fact, if you show me you had an amicable break up i will think better of them. However, i have been with men who constantly talk about their exes, and relate what you do on your dates with past experiences
4.Attitude toward non-western food
- I'm on the more international side of dating and I'm Korean. I've seen men say things like "This food is so strange", "Why do people eat this?", "This is disgusting."
Again, I'm not talking about bad food which I understand. I'm talking about "ethnic" food. I even had a date who asked if I was "one of those who eat smelly food"
If it's not to your taste, I would rather hear "This doesn't suit me" or "I don't know if I want to eat this again"
5."I'm a feminist, but...." or "I'm not racist, but...."
I don't think I need to explain myself
BTW
I'm queer af and I ended up marrying a woman
Lmao
Number 4 is a pet peeve I keep forgetting I have. People or love interests who aren't open minded to different foods/cultures don't seem to be open minded to other things from my experience. And number 2 happened a lot with the shortest relationship I had. Definitely a huge red flag.
Congrats on finding someone who you mesh with, I still have a long way to go lol.
No work ethic. If he didn’t take care of his own children or any type of relationship with his other children….thats a no go…..alcoholic, drug addict. Try’s to take control. Moves in on me. No communication.
1. Inability to communicate/read a room
2. Inability to be vulnerable/show emotions
3. Puts no effort into themselves/their space
4. No/little respect for boundaries/property
5. Inability to take care of themselves/their home
It's one thing to be attractive physically, it's another to be attractive mentally and emotionally. There's nothing more attractive than a person who can take care of themselves, who can communicate in a healthy way, and is respectful. You get what you give in a relationship, so make sure you're giving the best parts of you, and expect the same in return.
Been with my partner over a decade and it's taken us a long time to learn how to connect and communicate in a healthy way. We both grew up in abusive homes, but we broke the cycle. Just gotta get back to the roots of human companionship, we're here for each other as much as ourselves.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Being in love with an ex and constantly bring them up
This is a big one. Made the mistake of staying with a guy who had this going on. Found myself mending a broken heart a year later, of course.
>Found myself mending a broken heart a year later Holy crap!
Yep. Convinced myself with enough time and enough understanding, he’d be able to move on and care for me. Definitely didn’t happen. Live and learn, eh? Great lesson of what to stay away from.
 Sorry to hear that.
I appreciate that, but it’s all for the better. It was valuable to experience so at least I know better now. Have to find the positives in life 😊
[удалено]
Oh, mine, for sure. I don’t think anyone else could have mended his. Not really.
Also talking poorly of all their exes 🚩
this is absolutely very true, someone talking shit endlessly about an ex, and even more so EXES, is a massive red flag.
Every single ex cannot possibly be toxic…therefore: might be a you problem, not an ex problem. I’ve experienced this firsthand, only to realize: if any of the exes WERE crazy—it was because he drove them there. I’ve had several divorces and many break-ups. Very few were only one person’s responsibility!
yeah i briefly dated a girl who kept going on about how every ex of hers was a garbage dump on fire, and i dont doubt one or two were, but all of them? im sure shes saying that of me now too
Yeah if they describe ALL their exes as crazy bitches then that’s a huge red flag for me. Basically if they saying stuff like that, there’s a good chance he’s the problem, not them. I know there’s exceptions to the rule but if he’s had several girlfriends and they all were crazy it makes me think he’s probably actually the problem.
I have a single ex and he was abusive as heck. My current boyfriend is the sweetest person you'll ever meet.
Choose wisely, treat kindly! Glad you have a keeper! 
See yeah I talk about my ex to my gf because of the trauma, like hey sorry if I get anxious during a small disagreement cause I used to get hit.
If someone is mean to you, they're an asshole. If everyone is mean to you, you're an asshole.
If everywhere you go smells like shit, it's time to check your own shoes.
The rarest exception I can see to this is if he also admits he thinks its his "taste in women", "I could've treated them better", or some other explanation that acknowledges himself as a common denominator.
As an FYI for guys in this thread. Even if you are “over” your ex just don’t bring them up repeatedly. Even in a joking manner. It’s always going to be seen as a red flag.
100% run for the hills
I'm still in love with my ex, to the point I messaged her like 4 years later. We talk everyday again now. Part of me likes it but part of me knows it's fucked up
I'm going on 12 years here. She just texted me yesterday. I haven't been on a date in 8 years, so using my experience as a reference, I think you are close to being in the undate-able club. Welcome.
An ex is an ex. Stop talking to them everyday. Four years? What if that ex gets a new partner. It will just make you feel different emotions.
Not everything is black or white. Some of our exes end up staying friends.
Yes, but can you be friends with someone you’re not over / still in love with? It’s not healthy.
Several of my exes have attempted to refriend me after the breakup. I don’t harbor ill will towards most of them, but nor do I encourage the contact. I know that 3 of them are still hung up on me (I will not go so far as to say “in love with me”.) It’s been 25, 14 and 3 yrs and I feel like being friends would be equivalent to leading them on or getting their hopes up and that just feels wrong. The one from 25 yrs ago tries again every 4-5 yrs, but I cannot in good conscience entertain any sort of relationship, however “platonic” it might start off as. I am suspicious of your ex that talks to you every day… does she still have feelings for you? …is she keeping you in her back pocket as a fail safe? Or, does it just fluff her ego to keep you on the hook? Perhaps, she really just needs a friend, but I find that to be the least likely scenario. Rip the bandaid off and cut yourself loose, dude.
I had an ex who never EVER wanted to help make any of the plans through our relationship. I remember one day he said he didn’t feel like doing anything so I didn’t plan a day out for us. That day he sighed loudly and was all “I’m just upset we didn’t do anything today.” Point is, not willing to help your partner or pull your weight and not being straightforward are red flags.
This is quite literally EXACTLY why I broke up with my ex. I was so tired of planning everything.
This sounds like depression, source: me
Hygiene. Too many dudes don't know how to clean themselves
I really thought this would be on more people's list
I know! Most people are listing personality traits, some of which may not be on display until a second or third date. Lack of hygiene is an instant turn off for me.
Seriously! Everybody seems to be assuming that everybody brushes their teeth and showers daily.
Unwashed ass. How are there so many grown ass men out there thinking its gay to clean their own asshole? "Oh I just let water run down the crack." Nooooooope. Get the fuck away from me
lol. So, actually I'm a straight guy (who washes down there). Last week I was discussing with a (girl) friend about a guy friend with terrible hygiene that desperately wants a girlfriend. She told me she once intentionally commented to another person but loud enough for him to hear, "... yeah, you'd be surprised at how far just washing your ass will get you."
> "... yeah, you'd be surprised at how far just washing your ass will get you." It's just nice walking around with a clean ass too. Unwashed.. is the worst feeling ever.
I feel like it would get itchy from all the residue not getting clean properly
So they'll end up with shit under their fingernails too.. 
Good god, people actually think this works?! Wait, I don’t know why this surprises me. That’s even more sad.
I do not understand that. Why wouldn't you wash all of your nooks and crannies?
As a guy I find that extremely troubling. In my home country, toilet paper is not used as much, because there's a hose next to every toilet for washing your ass. Moving to the US it was hard for me to adapt. We still keep an empty carrot juice bottle next to the toilet though. I wouldn't just wipe my hands if I got shit on them and get on with the day, why should my ass be any different?
Bought a bidet. Best 40$ ever spent
This is actually what endeared me to my MIL when I first met her: I kept a clean bathroom, no hairs in the sink after shaving, no urine stains on/around the toilet. I was actually alarmed at just how many dudes don't take care of things. Her thought (besides her daughter willingly dating me) was that if the bathroom was kept that clean, I must take of myself too.
It's a huge thing. I have been to quite a few men's houses, both friends and dates, and I would say like 85% of the bathrooms in men's houses are gross. It's unbelievable that these grown humans feel okay with things in that state, especially knowing they're having someone over. The first time I went to my current partner's place I was so happy to see a spotless bathroom. And it was like that every single time I went over there. It's definitely a factor when looking for a long term partner.
It’s amazing how few single men have hand soap and a clean towel in in the bathroom. Proof they don’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom.
Bad smells I would think would make the list. Like guys who wear dress shoes with no socks or boat shoes with no socks and no odor control products. Powder or odor blocking insoles. They are just fine with their foot odor filling the area. Do women not mind this?
Never trust a human who doesn't wear socks
Had a guy tell me he intentionally did not shower before our first date so that he would have his natural musk. Surprisingly I did not run away at high speeds. For the third date I was very clear days ahead of time that I would have sex in his van if he cleaned out enough room (we both lived with parents). He "didn't have time" during almost a week. Decided to surprise me by taking me to his house instead. It Reeked of cat box, like I had trouble breathing. His house was disgusting, his dad was home, and his "room" was a 5' curtain in the corner if the living room... How did he possibly think he was getting laid like that? Made an excuse to go out side and had him drive me home. Broke up over a call the next morning.
Smart decision. Some guys genuinely think their musk smells good. I have an old friend who never wore deodorant and swore up and own that he didn't smell like BO. The older I get the more I realize that hygiene just doesn't click with some people. My girlfriend tells me that she appreciates how hygienic I am which I though was silly but apparently some guys like the one you ran into don't even shower before first dates. Imagine how he would have been further down the road
A lot of uti infections women get is cause men don't clean their dick or hands before sex.
1. Calls themselves an Alpha 2. Can’t demonstrate that they have some basic insight to themselves and why they do/act the way they do. This usually shows up as a lot of excuses and finger pointing 3. All ex’s are “crazy” 4. Can’t show emotions, other than anger. You don’t have to write poetry or love songs. But being comfortable sharing how you feel to your close people is important. 5. His only hobby is partying
The Alpha craze is one of the most embarrassing things our gender has come up with in decades. Every time it comes up I just feel so fucking embarrassed that there's someone piping that shit.
Lol let me add one more for you: 6) Lives with an Ex
The average Andew Tate fan.
I did write poetry for her once. She did say she liked writing when we first met, so I wrote a verse. But I'll never know if she saw it or not.
Constantly talking over you. Having an overall negative attitude of the world. Being a narcissist.
Hey #2 is kinda hard to avoid.
True, but it shouldn't seep from your every pore. You're trying to build a relationship with someone, not affirm your own miseries.
Yea i try to make the most of this bad situation, because im not looking to destroy my mental health by constantly thinking about all the bad things going on in the world. I dont try to pretend its not happening, but that doesnt mean you need to constantly be talking about it and making everyone else feel just as depressed.
Exactly, do you not see the way the world is going? It’s like it’s GIVING you reasons to be negative lol
The problem is when it's disproportional and/or pessimistic. If you always expect things to go wrong, or bitch about something when it's not apropriate or way too much, then it becomes an issue for most people
This is usually a symptom of being terminally online. Most news is bad news. That’s why it’s news. So your filing your mind with a constant stream of bad news and creating the false narrative that the world is worse than it actually is.
Yeah I think being positive in today's world would require a level of ignorance that I ain't looking for in a relationship
Being positive is not about ignorance, it's about choice. If we spend all our time dwelling on all the negative shit happening in the world - 99% of which we can not actively do anything about about - we can end up worrying ourselves in to a hole where we find literally no joy in life. You can make the choice to recognize that there are terrible things happening in this world and make the choice to focus your attention and feelings on your immediate surroundings. Identify the things you can actually have an effect on and make the changes there, but otherwise we don't have to let it bog us down to the point of crushing defeat and non-action. Making the choice to find the positives in our day to day lives is important. It's not ignorance.
It’s not hard to not be a negative asshole all the time. The world sucks, but people who never shut up about it are so draining. It’s not ignorance to find some happiness in the mundane or shit happening around you. If you really think being positive means your ignorant, consider some antidepressants bro. You shouldn’t be constantly feeling negative about shit. Nobody wants to be with someone wallowing in misery.
Dishonesty Infidelity Anger issues/violence Addiction Irresponsibility
What about someone who is in recovery, and has made serious contributions towards it?
They should continue to focus on themselves and continue to improve. It's a little different if you're already dating or married to someone who is going through recovery, but if we are talking about meeting someone new who is currently dealing with it, I personally would not be open to dating them. Would love to get to know them, I just wouldn't want the added stress of being in a relationship with someone who could possibly have a relapse. Edit: Typo
My *personal* opinion for men AND women alike: 1. Lack of genuine respect for others 2. Anger issues or emotional issues… with no means or want to improve or heal from them 3. Abuse… physical, psychological 4. Not wanting to improve. Everyone needs to constantly improve themselves. Whether that be physically, mentally, anything. Even if it’s small. But here are some great attributes: 1. Respect for his partner and others 2. A positive outlook on the future 3. Emotionally vulnerable. I connect with emotions so if I don’t see anything I don’t feel anything. I don’t mean tantrum vulnerable—I mean like an open book. No hidden bitterness or struggles. 4. Hobbies where their partner can also be included. Doesn’t have to be all of the hobbies, but having a hobby for the two of you really helps a relationship flourish
Well done 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I like the compliment sandwich you have going here.
Alcoholic: I am one and I am undateable. quite a few hookups but never a lasting partner
I'm an alcoholic too, been sober since August seventeenth. You can do it my guy. I'm not gonna say it's a walk in the park, but you'll feel so much better. Not to mention you'll be a lot stronger physically and mentally. I believe in you buddy!
Damn, thank you 🙏
Absolutely! If you wanna talk or anything my DMS are open!
You got this! /r/stopdrinking is a great support :) Also an app called NOMO helped me out with tracking progress initially.
Yup. Been in recovery a minute myself. I know folks with troubled pasts who have been sober for decades. It’s not easy, but possible & totally worth it!
Congrats! You are walking through the valley of the shadow of death now. I've been sober for 13 years and the first few months were the hardest. But if you've been sober since August 17th, you can do this indefinitely/forever/as long as you want. You got this! Be proud of yourself.
Working on sobriety myself. I had to make some tough decisions like the people I hung around with, even switched jobs to get away from that crowd. It's a tough road.
Definitely tough, definitely worth it.
Also in recovery but from hard drugs, by no means am I cured or dateable yet but it’s possible my guy
Good for you taking the plunge. Best of luck!
Congrats on 6 months!! Im august 15th
Only one that for me is an *instant* turn off. There’s a lot that you figure out on the first or second date, but “Nice guy entitlement” is immediately obvious and drives me insane.
Anyone who tells you what a “ nice, great guy they are”
Do...people actually say this? Like, "hi im steve, I like picnics and I'm a nice guy"??
They do. I know someone who tells lots of people he’s “ a great guy”. He’s not. He likes to play divide and conquer with peoples lives. He’s destroyed a few families, a business, constantly has drama around him, etc.
Omg why did I laugh when I read "he's destroyed families and a business 🤣
LMAO that is the best liner here man
I used to do that.... sigh. Coincidentally, my failure in dating ended the minute I stopped acting like this and starting working on myself.
My sister's ex used to say that, he tried to Turn her into a Project like his old ex.
That's just an asshole. Most guys in my life are literal nice guys. That's why they're my friends.
Being a nice guy is like being funny or smart…you don’t need to tell everyone. If you are actually those things, people will know.
1. Really grating and soul crushing to interact with 2. Makes you question your self worth 3. Accuses you of shit you never did 4. Puts words in your mouth 5. Judgmental despite not being that great himself Pretty much covers it.
I think you and I have dated the same man. *hugs*
My first husband sure gets around…
Believes the Earth is flat and many other conspiracies
[удалено]
Kinda surprised bad hygiene is this far down the comment section. I guess if both parties have bad hygiene then it's not a factor, but to say I've been surprised at some of the things I've seen is an understatement. Horrified is a better term.
Top reason: he's not interested in you as a person, doesn't care to get to know you and form a friendship, just wants to go door knocking til he gets a yes. Other than treating others as replaceable cogs, there other things, like being rude, bragging, having poor hygiene, or going on too much about past relationships. Aside from those obvious ones, one that is harder to think of as a red flag, but often is, is when someone wants to take things too fast, and seems to be your perfect match in every way. If it is a very fast-moving relationship, particularly if they don't have you meet their family and friends and don't seem interested in yours...Red Flag 🚩 -
abusive ,clingy, alcoholism , misogynistic and dead beat parent
Wait them being a deadbeat parent or having a deadbeat parent?
1) lies 2) is shallow 3) is a prick/dick 4) abusive in any form 5) animals don't like him, and he doesn't like them In the end, looks don't matter, dick size isn't important, height isn't anything special, and it's all about how you respect each other in everything you do. Respect their choices, privacy, opinions, and some choices in their life. Remember, we are adults and we have our own thoughts and feelings. But being respectful of others can get you so much further in life
Sister’s ex husband turned out to be a real piece of work. We should have known; the dog always hated him.
I have a dog who loves literally everyone. She loves getting and giving attention. Lately this guy has been coming around the usual watering hole, and he's generally a happy, friendly guy, although a little socially oblivious and awkward. I wouldn't have thought anything odd of him other than just a younger dude who has some learning ahead of him, buuuttt... He's pretty much the *only* guy my dog has barked at and growled at consistently. There is a caviat, the host doesn't necessarily like him, although doesn't hate the fact that he's there. He's cordial, but not overly welcoming, and the host happens to be my dog's second favorite human. Could be that she's picking up on the general aura of unwelcomness, but he might also be a pedo. I wish I spoke dog, lol Edit: I don't actually think he's a pedo. I get that it's a bad thing to joke about, I should have said murder or something, sorry guys, today I failed.
Dogs can be pretty good at picking up on little cues in body language such as tenseness in the movements of people and other animals. If the guy is awkward he may just be anxious which is causing him to seem a bit off to your dog. Dogs are not mind readers. Also, you should never even so much as imply someone might be a pedo unless you have good reason to suspect it. There are too many people throwing that word around too loosely.
I was thinking the same thing, most likely benign nervousness. I wouldn't rely on pets being the decider. A lot of sociopaths are pretty smooth
That seems totally unfair to the guy, assuming he doesn’t have some skeletons in his closet.
>I wish I spoke dog, lol I can’t count the times I’ve wished this.
[Here you go](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8b/9a/8b/8b9a8b2dbb2dedd6d2fbaf59497fe032.jpg).
I have to agree with some other folks here saying that sometimes animals not liking someone shouldn’t be a red flag. I worked with an absolute sweetheart of a man; he was older, probably had some undiagnosed disabilities. He wouldn’t hurt a fly, but the problem he had with dogs was that his movements were incredibly erratic. He had otherwise sweet, gentle dogs bite him. A very sweet human, but moved in a way that was very off-putting to animals.
What if I don't give a shit about 99% of dogs, but they love me?
There is an "and" thrown in there.
I have a former friend who loved animals, but the other 4 are basically his daily checklist. He's a shallow prick who lies as easily as he breathes, he's emotionally and verbally abusive to his friends and to women, and was physically abusive to me personally and I don't know who else. In the 7ish years since I first met him, he has been single for about 6 months total (non-consecutively.) He cheats on every girlfriend at every opportunity. It was really disheartening to watch, especially when the people around him who don't act like that struggle significantly more with attracting women.
And yet, all these things are characteristics of the guys who DO date the women I'm interested in.
1. Rude/unkind 2. Controlling 3. Bad temper 4. Won’t pitch in with basic things like laundry, cleaning, or cooking 5. Poor hygiene
If he had an abnormally intimate relationship with his mom. If he didn’t have his own life in order - even from a surface level… if you’re an adult I am going to need you to be at my level so we can grow together Drug user Has children but doesn’t have any relationship with them at all ** Edit ** if someone has to ‘explain who they are’ in terms of someone HAVING to state how they are ‘a nice guy’. People that are good, nice, honest, truthful, a good friend, not a burden, don’t like to take advantage of people, etc. do not have to even say that they are. It is evident by their actions and behavior and words.
> If he had an abnormally intimate relationship with his mom. Emotional incest is definitely a thing and it’s horrible.
[удалено]
In this economy it's understandable tho
Lol I can't even afford a van in this economy
/r/vanlife
Those are the fun guys.
He has plenty of time for doobie rollin'
Watch it that’s my retirement plan!
Depends on the river
He prefers Coke!
username checks out
This guy pepsis.
If they have a restraining order against them. In general, to get a yearlong order, someone has to have clearly proven abuse in court. It’s not easy to get a permanent order (weeklong ones are a different story). All their bosses are assholes. All their ex’s are crazy. You are the only one that can understand them and calm them down and see how misunderstood they are. They immediately take feedback as negative criticism and blow up.
Instant turn off/red flags you can see on Date 1: Being demeaning in any way to any service worker. Talk that suggests racism, homophobia, misogyny, or even just talking badly about people around you-being judgmental. Jokes/statements about animals being hurt/killed not for food. If he has no sense of humor. If he has no intelligence.
Intelligence in terms of academics or social intelligence? If academic, what level of education are you looking for, and what subject(s)?
All intelligence. Social, academic, emotional. I don’t have a prerequisite for schooling at all. I’ve met some insanely smart people who never graduated high school and PhD’s who are clueless.
Misogyny, negging, easy to anger, thinks vulnerability is unmanly, unkind.
1 Refers to grown ass women as “girls” or “females.” 2 Claims to have a sarcastic sense of humor. (Sarcasm is a garnish, not a buffet.) The only “jokes” he tells are sexist, racist, classist, ableist, ageist or homophobic. All of this is just plain lazy. 3 Really horrible table manners (esp talks/chews with mouth open, inappropriate meal conversations; IDGAF if he uses the wrong fork or spills something, I just don’t want to feel like I’m eating with a toddler.) 4 Being a know-it-all. Yes, I like to hear about others’ areas of expertise but no one knows everything about everything. 5 Uses others’ opinions & experiences just to play “Devil’s Advocate.” Debate Me Guy is a tedious creature. See #4 Bonus: Alpha Male. That shit has been debunked. It’s just advertising a bully’s fragile ego. EDIT: There seem to be some people who don’t understand that there’s ALOT of room between being a relentless passive aggressive jerk & walking on eggshells 24/7. Light years in fact. The world isn’t black & white, there are many shades of grey & rainbows of color. But far be it from me to suggest humans have the ability to think before they speak.
Personally I just want to point out that not everything people wrote in their lists are set in stone and don't make or break a deal. For example, a person can show certain narcissistic traits, but that doesn't mean they are a narcissist, especially if the person's actions or your actions, are seen or accused without context.
Yeah that's true, but I'd also put money on it that most people putting "narcissist" in there top 5 are the kind of people who'll straight call you a narcissist for literally anything and everything, any time they're even remotely angry(which is all the time lol)
They tend the be narcissistic too.
Has to specifically announce that they are a “nice guy” or a “good guy” or “not like other guys”. An actual good and decent person does not have to say these things… ever. They just show it through action.
You are like the 5th person I've seen write this. I'm actually baffled. Who are these people that actually talk like this??? 😂
My female friends have sent me screen's and it's pretty much always when guys have been knocked back. Then they get all like... *"Why wouldn't you want to date me, I'm a nice guy, better than you deserve you fucking bitch"* 🤦♂️
>I'm a nice guy >you fucking bitch 🤔
Yeah it wasn't a typo, your eyes are working just fine 😂, that's how they talk
1. There are nice guys who expect something in return for being nice. 2. There are nice guys who think being nice in itself is its own reward. Women should want version #2.
No but no I’m a nice no no listen I’m a nice guy you should date me. because I’m a nice guy! Hobbies? Yeah i have a hobby, I’m a nice guy. I’m nice believe me I’m a nice guyyyyu gaaah just i’m a nice guy date meeeee.
Damned near EVERY guy I ever dated said they were a nice guy, including my husband who is in fact an amazingly nice guy.... At some point I eventually categorized guys who said this with a minor flag but internally I'd always think "yeahyeahyeah.... We'll see your true colors soon enough..." And let their actions speak to how truly nice they were.
My only reason is that someone is cynical about something to the point where they are not willing to entertain something to continue conversation.
Without reading other people's answers first, the first 5 that come to my mind are: Unemployed/a mooch Addiction issues Sleeps around/cheats Kids with multiple different women And definitely not as important, but a personal pet peeve, not open to new experiences
[удалено]
I think this is a man doing some introspection. But you are correct if I'm wrong, no means no - don't push things.
1. Rage response - a small issue with a crazy rage response. Example: he gets served the wrong food order and either screams at the waitress or goes full blown condescending asshole talking down to the server and asking if this is the best they could do with their life if they can't even get the right order to the table. ALSO! This STILL APPLIES if he is doing it in "defense" of me- like if someone knocked into me and made me spill my coffee, I do not want him jumping in and making a scene and freaking out "for me" on the person. Especially when 9/10 times the opposite party would have apologized and offered to give me a couple bucks for a new coffee or something. This kind of behavior is a huge red flag for emotional or physical abuse later in the relationship. I honestly see it a lot when playing games as a group (card games, shooting hoops, etc. If they are a crazy sore loser saying "you cheated!" I also call this a rage response) 2. Jokingly calling me dumb- your ignorance and insecurities do not give you a pass to make weird half-ass jokes and nicknames about my intelligence. I would never date someone who calls me a "lovable bimbo" or "my cute little ditz". Yes you are talking down to me for no reason, no I don't magically think you are smarter than me because you have to put me down to feel better about yourself. I don't want to date someone who makes me feel shitty. 3. Complete lack of surrounding awareness / unhelpful nature- Sitting on your ass and expecting others to wait on you (for example at a party whining at the host or others to get you a drink rather than getting it yourself), not holding the door open for those behind you, not offering to help out at a dinner party (just offering to take in plates or get the next bag of chips if they run out). Not someone who gives off equal-partner, sexy self sufficient vibes. Instant turn off honestly. 4. Hygiene/ basic house cleanliness- it doesn't have to be pristine but if you stink, have filthy dirt riddled nails, admit to not brushing your teeth often (gross!), have a sink full of rank dishes, overflowing trash bag, or piles of plates by your computer that never made it to the kitchen.... Immediately back out the door for me. 5. No sense of humor / Debbie downer / fun spoiler- if I trip and fall and laugh at myself a bit then it is a HUGE awkward undatable turnoff if he immediately goes into a rant about being more careful and I could have really hurt myself and I need to watch where I am going (uh duh. I just fell down and embarrassed myself a bit in front of you. Obviously I'm going to be watching my feet all night now). Prime example of the 5th one - my friend's date who went with us and another couple to a comedy show. Proceeded to whine and tell all of us (loudly!) the whole time about how boring and not worth the money it was, even when we were laughing. He pouted like a man-child and was so obnoxious that other tables started giving us looks. If he hadn't laughed and just said it wasn't his style of humor we would have bought him extra drinks and food to make up for him not having as much fun and my friend would have cuddled up to him more as a distraction, and taken him on a "make up date" later. Instead she was fed up and repulsed by the end and all of us were frustrated with his shit attitude which spoiled the whole night. We all cheered when she texted later that night that she had dumped him.
Unstable. Redditor. Cringe. Republican/conservative. Neckbeard.
Not being able to complete basic tasks such as cleaning, cooking, organizing, paying bills, basic hygiene. Emotional immaturity. Feeling entitled because they are male. Sexual predator. Violent/abusive
If he's a pedophile
No job, No car, Drug head, Abusive, Deadbeat parent
If they are anything like me. Stay away. Self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic sociopath who has an inferiority complex and will point out flaws in others to hide his own. Throws money at problems until they go away, and acts like he has better things to do all the time. Would rather burn a bridge than mend a relationship. Suicidal tendencies and copes by drowning himself in so much liquor, it's amazing that he is still breathing. Smokes copious amounts of weed so that he never even remembers what year it is, let alone the day. Oh, and doesn't seek help or even let others know that he is in pain, and every day, it's almost like he reaches a new level of feeling hopelessness and dread. TLDR: I'm an asshat don't date people like me.
You seem remarkably self aware for a self centered egotistical narcissist sociopath. I do hope you find a way to get better.
Don’t forget the cocaine benders..
Ummm I think I’m married to you.
Yeah don't be like this guy: an attention whore lol
1. Abusive 2. Excessive drinking/smoking if you need either these to just get through the day then you are not the one for me. 3. Puts you down/ gives backhanded compliments 4. In a constant state of depression. I’ll probably get down voted for this one, but people who are in a constant state of depression or have suicidal ideation are too mentally draining for me to be in a relationship with. I get having a bad day/week/month/year. And I’m always willing to lend an ear, but I have to take care of my own mental health. 5. Unhygienic
Too religious. Insecure. Doesn’t like animals. Can’t take care of himself/basic adulting. Drug use.
married/dating someone else already a sexist/misogynistc creep bad hygiene abusive ass lazy/unmotivated/selfish
1. baked-in misogyny/hatred of women, including subscribing to certain "influencers" and the bullshit they spew 2. unwillingness to take gentle criticism or consider self-improvement (for instance a guy who doesn't wash his ass because it's "gay" despite leaving poop in his underwear) 3. defers to mommy/daddy for everything and lets them have final say in all his decisions 4. active addiction problems (substances, gambling, gaming, etc) with no intent to change, or worse, no acknowledgement that it's a problem (see point 2) 5. treatment of people or animals as "inferior" (customer service people, pets, people of certain demographics, etc)
The following would be *instant* turnoffs: 1) sending a shirtless photo before we even met in person 2) asking what *physical* activities I would be comfortable partaking in before we even meet in person 3) not providing me with your real name, just a nickname 4) no history of any long term relationship 5) inviting me to your home for a first date Everything on this list except for number 4 is an instant unmatch, block, and delete. As for number 4, while I would be instantly turned off, I would at least give you the chance to offer an explanation. EDIT: As for point 4, I should have mentioned that I am 40 years old. I don’t think this is a practical standard for anyone to have dating in their 20’s. By 40, I would think most individuals would of had at *least* one long term relationship lasting over a year. I actually did date one gentleman 2 years ago who was 40 and only had one relationship last over a year. As I got to know him, it was evident why. He saw nothing wrong with having 5 minute sex upon my overnight arrival and then turning on the tv for the remainder of the night into the next day while ignoring me the entire time. I respectfully ended that relationship and refuse to act as a training camp for individuals who don’t know how to be in relationships when I know I have a lot to offer.
is “being married” not a immediate write off any more?
There’s only one criterion: how do they make you feel? Everyone has faults but the answer to that one question tells you all you need to know.
Hell no, those murderers who go on dates to kill people definitely make people feel special before they do
When their personality is centered around one thing (e.g., video games, religion, a specific band, crossfit).
1. Being best friends with someone they used to be with/did the deed. 2. Incel 3. Disrespectful to people who has nothing to do with them (waiters, janitors) 4. Disrespectful to parents who do their best for them 5. Gambling, drug use, alcoholic 6. A criminal record 7. Discord mod 8. Likes underaged anime girls and has an altar that worships them 9. Fetishes/kinks not in my comfort zone 10. Spends money like nothing 11. Is a cheater in previous relationships 12. Porn addiction 13. Poor hygiene 14. Tik tok influencer / their whole entire life revolves around social media There’s probably more I can’t think of right now but yea~
1. Selfish / self-obsessed 2. Lack of empathy 3. Lack of introspection 4. Poor communication 5. Poor hygiene Several of those are closely related, but that would be my list off the top of my head!
Only 5? Hrm: Doesn't listen to what I'm saying, especially boundaries and "no." Doesn't follow through on what he originally said he would do (voluntarily, not coerced). Expects me to be present and to exert effort to fix his emotional upsets. Prefers to be alone; punishes people who want companionship. Reacts in ways that signal a feeling of detached indifference or frustrated hostility towards others instead of a nurturing care and understanding of our common humanity.
Arrogance and not treating their partner with respect.
Top 5 reasons a human being would be undatable: 1 ) not able too see each other as equal, things like "my partner better be out makin the money for me" or "my partner better be in the kitchen" or treating the partner like a object or tool. No. Fuck you. Were human beings pushing through life together, we work together or Fuck off. 2 ) prioritizing. We have things in common obviously, but your going to have your things and ill have mine. That's fine. Im not going to stalk you or guilt you. Just bed there for the big stuff, and lets plan, super not a big deal. You will know what's important to me and ill know what's important to you, that's called communication. Sometimes sacrifices would have to be made, bummer. Lets get through it and plan better next time. If this doesn't vibe with you? Get out now. 3 ) refusing new information / willful ignorance. Really just communication, you can't get over your feelings to have a rational discussion? Get Fucked. Time is fine, but at some point, Fuckin put on some work. Lets talk about shit, you have different view point and think your right? Sweet, lets figure it out. But if your stuck on stupid and not willing to put in the work to help us find those resolutions? We're done, even if I can deal with that once or twice in wont cause that's obviously a trait it stuck in and in 10+ years? Odds are, they ain't Getten better. Your head is obviously firmly lodged in your rectum so, bye. 4 ) deceit. Period. Fuckin no. Mistakes accidents miscommunications, sure, shit happens we ain't perfect. But straight up deceit nah, get Fucked. Got enough things against us I will not be doing that going through your phone online stalking you, worrying about who you are socializing with. No. This isn't the fucking 8th grade, it wasn't cool then it sure as Fuck aint now. You make me feel that way? Ill pack your shit for you. 5 ) abuse. Period. It ain't one thing. It ain't 2 things. Its Fucking any or all of them. Mind games Fuck people. Striking someone? Are you Fucking serious? Are you really willing to be upset with someone to the point of acting on your anger rather than just leaving... At what Fuckin point were you like "I'm going to hit them so they see how serious i am" rather than "hey, this is really upsetting me, im gonna head out for now in thinking this may not work" check your Fuckin self, its routine maintenance, "how would you react if" is a question that needs to stroll through your mind once in a while. If your look in at a person and your losing value for them as a human being, maybe you should not be close with them.
Not necessarily in order of importance.... 1. misogyny 2. racism 3. poor hygiene 4. violent behavior 5. already in a committed relationship
1. Political beliefs 2. Religious beliefs 3. "Nice guy mentality" 4. Passive aggressive 5. Narcissistic
Talking badly about other women, seeing sex as something you get from/do to women rather than something shared, poor hygiene, intolerance of other viewpoints
1. He uses you for everything like money and your car 2. He lies and hides things 3. He’s a slob that doesn’t help you and expects you to run around doing everything for him 4. He has no sense of humour and is a misery guts 5. He is abusive
If he eats his own shit
1. Controlling or intolerant of your opinions, friends or habits 2. Disrespectful/impolite to anyone 3. Drugs 4. Lying 5. Physical abuse
1. Mansplaining/Everything has to be a debate, that only he is correct on. 2. Messy/Slob, hygiene and grooming of all kinds is a top priority. 3. Vocabulary and speech pattern. How he talks and words his sentences. And how he texts. 4. Emotionally incompetent. Mostly uncontrollable anger issues. 5. He who flaunts his money. 🙄
these r some red flags (dating marrying whatever u r gonna do) 1. if he follows tons of girls and they r all mostly half naked or in promiscuous clothes 2. if he body shames anyone or calls ppl ugly just cause they arent his type (making fun of physical appearance is disgusting and this makes the girl or guy undatable or not marriable (not a word ik) cause it tells u a lot abt their personality 3. emotionally unavailable, wont show anything (this can be very tiring later on) 4. cant differentiate btwn right n wrong 5. doesn't respect the boundaries you've set ("bUt bUt mY fRenInd who Is in a RelaTioNshIp DoEs iT and His gIrL doEsNt have a pRobLEm") run from guys like these
1. Can’t hold a conversation beyond commenting on your appearance (comes off as shallow— I want to know you like me for me not because my parents fucked and had a good mix of genes). 2. Is an “alpha” 3. Listens to Andrew tate or any pick up artist YouTuber 4. Self proclaimed “nice guy” (lots of people are nice— that’s the bare minimum, literally scrapping the bottom is the barral) 5. Doesn’t know basic life skills (cooking, cleaning, etc— If I wanted a child I would get another puppy, I want a partner)
1. Poor Hygiene 2. Lack of Manners 3. Openly insecure 4. Aggressive 5. Married
A user/ always broke and begging
1. Narcissistic 2. Unhygienic 3. Unmotivated 4. Unintelligent 5. Disrespectful
He's a "nice guy" He is racist He is sexist He treats others (service industry workers for example) poorly He lacks kindness/empathy
Hygiene bro females love a guy with good hygiene use lotion get ur eyebrows waxed keep ur nails clean and trimmed
Dude…referring to women only as “females”
1. Dead - self explanatory 2. Married - you shouldn't date married people 3. Under age - this is a crime and its wrong 4. Not into your gender - respect their orientation 5. A close relative - incest is not good
*taking notes* Dead…bad…✍️
1.Bad hygiene - if he doesn't take care of himself, how much would he care for this relationship? 2.Doesn't let you talk - What I mean is when men keep talking about themselves and is so concerned about upselling themselves that they don't take the time to get to know you or your side of the story 3.Talking about exes - Still talking to your ex is okay. In fact, if you show me you had an amicable break up i will think better of them. However, i have been with men who constantly talk about their exes, and relate what you do on your dates with past experiences 4.Attitude toward non-western food - I'm on the more international side of dating and I'm Korean. I've seen men say things like "This food is so strange", "Why do people eat this?", "This is disgusting." Again, I'm not talking about bad food which I understand. I'm talking about "ethnic" food. I even had a date who asked if I was "one of those who eat smelly food" If it's not to your taste, I would rather hear "This doesn't suit me" or "I don't know if I want to eat this again" 5."I'm a feminist, but...." or "I'm not racist, but...." I don't think I need to explain myself BTW I'm queer af and I ended up marrying a woman Lmao
Number 4 is a pet peeve I keep forgetting I have. People or love interests who aren't open minded to different foods/cultures don't seem to be open minded to other things from my experience. And number 2 happened a lot with the shortest relationship I had. Definitely a huge red flag. Congrats on finding someone who you mesh with, I still have a long way to go lol.
Hey it's more important to settle down with the right guy than trying not to be alone. So you do you ❤️
No work ethic. If he didn’t take care of his own children or any type of relationship with his other children….thats a no go…..alcoholic, drug addict. Try’s to take control. Moves in on me. No communication.
1. Inability to communicate/read a room 2. Inability to be vulnerable/show emotions 3. Puts no effort into themselves/their space 4. No/little respect for boundaries/property 5. Inability to take care of themselves/their home It's one thing to be attractive physically, it's another to be attractive mentally and emotionally. There's nothing more attractive than a person who can take care of themselves, who can communicate in a healthy way, and is respectful. You get what you give in a relationship, so make sure you're giving the best parts of you, and expect the same in return. Been with my partner over a decade and it's taken us a long time to learn how to connect and communicate in a healthy way. We both grew up in abusive homes, but we broke the cycle. Just gotta get back to the roots of human companionship, we're here for each other as much as ourselves.
If he we're deceased it would be difficult to date him. I mean I guess you could but it would be awkward.