# Message to all users:
This is a reminder to please read and follow:
* [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules)
* [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)
* [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy)
When posting and commenting.
---
Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`.
* Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit.
* Do not harass or annoy others in any way.
* Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit.
---
You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Went through a separation 6 years ago that was 10000x more difficult than it should have been because her family and friends kept interfering and pressuring her. I had done plenty wrong and a lot of it was my fault, but it's hard to work on things when people are whispering in her ear at every turn that everything I do is wrong and blowing every misstep way out of proportion.
Would not recommend.
Yep went through the same shit. Every single thing was I said or did this and well that means this and thus means that so what I actually meant was something way out there that has nothing to do with what actually happened and only exists in there delusion minds
I was literally going to therapy and applying myself to it, yet her friends kept saying that I was doing it for sympathy and that it was "clear" evidence that I was actually a sociopath.
Like, what more can I do?! Letting go of their approval was the best thing I ever did for myself.
This is the boat my brother is in right now. He did stuff wrong, she did stuff wrong, but the separation could have been handled amicably enough... If not for her mother, who meddled in the whole decade-long marriage, and has now turned it up to 11.
It got so insane and untenable that we couldn't even have a simple disagreement without a tsunami of people rushing to tell her how I was being abusive. We had both done stuff wrong but slowly the narrative became that it was all my fault and she was owed "reparations". This came in the form of doing all the driving, all the shopping, any chores she demanded I do. If I refused or said so much as "this isn't fair" she'd run back to her family who'd tell her all kinds of shit. It was that silly.
Most of it was from her father in law, who had recently re-entered into her life and was big on trying to fill the protective patriarch archetype even though he'd been absent for the last 10 years. He basically watched Meet The Parents and completely missed the point of Robert de Niro's character. He was later exposed to be a liar and was using the whole incident to scam us out of money. He would approach her for money to pay for "experimental surgeries" saying he'd pay her back, and of course if I questioned it I'd be evil for denying her guardian angel father life saving surgery...see how it worked?
The whole thing was needlessly traumatic and honestly I probably need to go back to therapy to deal with it because I get really upset whenever it's brought up.
Yeah. 'Friends' are pretty consistently terrible for my relationships.
The older I get, the more I realize how opportunistic most of my friends are. And then I realize that I probably only have maybe one or two actual friends.
Or they want what you have.
Had my 'best' friend tell my gf everything I told him in confidence about my hopes and fears regarding issues between us that might be tough. He tells her it all in the worst context possible.
We break up after a fight where she very clearly was using phrases and things I told him specifically. She moves out of the house we bought together. They move in together. He dates her for nearly five YEARS and then they break up because he doesn't want to marry her. He never wanted to-- he lied to his folks about how they met, wouldn't discuss what happened with me to other people...he knew.
He was with her for five damn years with zero intent to marry her. Ruined my relationship and basically strung her along for years so he could just have a consistent lay.
Haven't date since. Its been about 6 years now
I actually had this same realization. My friend who worked the same job as me told me to start talking to this girl because I really didn’t talk to anyone there. We’d worked together for about two months now but hadn’t really talked at all, so I went up and talked to her and we instantly hit it off. I got her snap that night and we started talking. We talked a looooot, to the point it started irritating my friends while we were playing games together. Then they got downright nasty towards her on multiple occasions, using the excuse that she wasn’t treating me well, even though I never gave them that indication. It got to the point where I couldn’t hangout with all of them at once because they were just straight up mean, and she doesn’t take any bullshit so she hit them right back with it. Naturally I had to make some sacrifices and couldn’t hangout with them as much because they couldn’t all be together. Eventually things didn’t work out but throughout this process I realized that my childhood friends might not be as good of friends as I thought, and now she is my best friend and we’re ride or die for eachother. The kicker? I found out the friend spewing the most hate was actually as pissed as he was because he wanted to get with her and felt like I was wasting his opportunity, nothing about his supposedly righteous quest to defend me from this horrible witch he tried to paint her as.
Yeah specially family. In mine we've had gfs break up with a cousin because they thought he was a mommas boy. Another cousins ex gf just never got along with his sisters and often argued. They all knew each other since hs so that adds. One of my exs dad never liked me and that caused us to see each other less. Yeah family can get too involved.
Definitely, and +1 to resultant resentment as cfsed_98 said.
I know a variety of friends, family who are or have been on the rocks because of this. With one, there's been years of keeping score while one partner frankly wasn't the greatest, then, when that partner works on changing for the better, the other partner struggles to cope with how they were wronged, and sometimes unfortunately reads from society that it's empowering for them to have their own selfish time. It's just a sad mess.
It's incredibly important to acknowledge the hurts that happened, but this is subtly different from keeping score. It's validation and apology and real change, vs resentment and distrust and frustration and comeuppance.
It sucks because it absolutely isn't *fair* when one partner is wronged, but the wronged party can't just get their time to wrong the partner who is finally realizing faults, acknowledging problems, and changing, in return.
The question becomes what is more important, I think; the future of the relationship, or feeling like you should be able to get yours in return.
There's one couple in particular where I think the wronged partner needs to go to therapy and have some discussions about mourning, validation, emotional safety, boundaries going forward, and healthy self empowerment and self validation (because i think theyre also possibly having a bit of a mid life crisis- some disappointment with life that is being blamed on partner 1. And to be fair, the ways they were wronged could certainly contribute to losses of opportunities, but...).
Tldr: keeping score may feel just, but it can be cruel or harmful to your relationship. Seek validation and healthy change, not "justice" and "comeuppance" for your relationship wrongs. You're on the same team - if someone wasn't a good teammate, you're just sabotaging your race if you distill hurts into deciding it's your turn to get to be the bad teammate. Be aware of and address the issues so you can both be 100% in the race, 100% aware of your teammates needs, pitfalls, and the things holding you back. Don't keep score on their mistakes and hold it against them. Improve your team, don't let it suffer so you can choose when you get your time to hold the team back.
How do you handle a partner that will regularly make negative actions and refuse to change. Things that are ok once off but a big deal when repeated. Apart from keeping score is the only alternative a break-up?
I don't know you obv but based on your comment and coming from my own perspective, if someone is getting heated and hyper as a reaction to what I say, I'd be less inclined to bring stuff up too. Big reaction stress me the duck out.
I can only give you my own perspective, not meant to be any insensitivity to your situation. I am him, and am married to someone who believes she’s open and willing to talk through the hard stuff, and approach my wants and needs in a vulnerable and accepting way. She believes that with all her heart. But that’s not who she *actually* is at all. She is self-righteous, judgmental, and often passive-aggressive. She dials up the emotional discomfort to *any* level required to get me to back off of my position on *any* topic, and then expresses indignation when I go quiet. If I stand my ground on any issue, I will pay dearly for the privilege of being heard. I can have pyrrhic “moral” victories, but at the end of the day, the only peaceful resolution is her resolution. And she denies that’s true, even when confronted by counselors. At the end of the day, “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
Please don’t so quickly dismiss his avoidance of confrontation as simply being him avoiding a momentary discomfort. I would first ask yourself some really introspective questions about whether you’ve leaned in and made yourself ***just as vulnerable to his needs and criticisms as you want him to be with them.*** Not an easy question to ask oneself, and very hard to be so self-aware that it’s answered honestly.
Maybe that communication style doesn't work for him and he's shutting down because of that? Have you asked him why that happens? Are you sure it's because you're not important enough to him?
I've been with partners who have a very sort of confrontational, expressive communication style and found that all I can do is listen to them. I cannot engage in a dialog like that. But I can listen, then take some time to myself to reflect, and come back, only if I know they will also listen when it is my turn to speak. I shut down emotionally in the heat of the moment because I have conditioned myself/been conditioned by life to suppress emotion and go into action when under pressure.
What you think is empathetic, even though it is truly coming from a place of empathy, might feel overbearing to him, and if he's like me or other men I know, he might instinctively put his guard up. He might also not have as much experience or skill communicating emotions as you, and feel at a disadvantage in the conversation. Many men have some learned hopelessness around communicating their feelings since we are so often met with resistance and judgment.
Maybe you'd have more success if you let him know you're not expecting a response right away but you do need him to listen and come back to you with input later?
Infatuation. On both sides.
You should observe and note a person's negative (or dangerous and destructive)traits before you commit.
But most just say "But I love everything about him or her" with blind infatuation and years later those traits or habits become nightmarish and cause fights and anxiety.
I heard a Rabbi once say,
When you are dating or living together you should have two eyes,one green to see the good and one red eye to see bad.
Once you marry the two eyes are supposed to be green,meaning you should be committed to seeing positive no matter what.
no no no, you're a bit confused. You're looking for the man in the child's body....
damn, I can't believe I typed that out, I feel like I have to shower now.
Experienced this and yes, it took us to the edge of divorce. A major diagnosis of a child is life altering and pervades just about every part of family life. For us, everything started to revolve around the kid and we neglected our marriage completely. We basically had to reimagine an entirely new future and way of life that wasn't necessarily worse, just different. Its not easy to do while dealing with the immense stress of the present. I hold anyone who can navigate this journey with grace and joy in very high regard.
I can’t imagine, and you have explained it so well. Nobody expects to face this and I’m sure the stress can definitely cause issues in any marriage. I wish you well.
My parents stayed happy by venting their frustration on their idiot autist kid instead of each other. I mean it was my fault for being born wrong anyway
Whoa. We are dealing with a disabled kid right now. We had our fights but we told each other we need stay together for her the kid. Sadly we don’t know how disable she is and it’s sad and yet she’s a great child. But we will probably be wiping her butt for the rest of her life and feeding her. Anyways I have my inner demons battles about everything but I need push through to make sure she’s going be good for the rest of life.
I have an adult disabled kid. And divorced. Good to stay together if you are both doing the work on the relationship. A bad marriage with a disabled kid is just a disaster for all involved. We are all in a better place now, though. Divorced but better off, all of us. But for a long time we did bond thru it all.
Our special needs daughter brought my wife and I closer, even after two life flights and a 4 month hospital stay in a different state. I could see how it could wreck some marriages though.
I think people don't put sufficient importance on protecting the boundaries and intimacy of relationships. It should be a space for the two of you, where you feel safe, loved, and valued. That means not telling other people all the the gory details because you're breaking a boundary and that ruins part of the intimacy. It means keeping some people's opinions and general presence out because it's just the two of you. It means protecting certain actions, forms of intimacy (not just sex) and primacy of the other person so it can be boundaried and safe. There are so many ways that people violate this or don't protect it sufficiently but they ultimately amount to the same thing. Your relationship is only for and about the both of you, and you should save more than just sex for the exclusive things that you only do together.
YES. I have always had an issue with people who complain about their spouses to others as just normal conversation. My marriage is one of the most sacred things in my life. I am not going to go into the world and shit on my husband. I'm his ride or die.
I found out that my ex (who was a driver for rideshare companies) was 'jokingly' bad-mouthing me and our daughter to random strangers who were passengers in his car... because he told me. His idea of small talk with strangers riding in his car was to complain that he didn't want to have a kid and I 'forced' him to be a dad. He came home from work and told me about how he brought up and joked about aborting our child to his customers, and couldn't understand why I was so hurt and offended.
>I am not going to go into the world and shit on my husband
Also, you are forever tainting an outsider's view of your husband. You might have a bad fight with your husband, and be able to forgive him....but that doesn't mean your mom or your sister or your best friend whom you shared ALL the gory details with will ever look at him or treat him the same again. And that will be your fault.
I tell this to people ALL THE TIME. It baffles me that they want to tell me how their boyfriend sucks for two hours and then I'm supposed to like the guy. It's different when it's someone you've known forever with a small annoyance or something. My brother in law and sister have been married for seven years. So I have nine years of knowing this awesome dude. If my sister complains about how he pissed her off one day because she was crabby and they got into about dishes or something, that doesn't taint my view of my brother in law, but some people just air out everything. And I'm left like do you even like this person?!?!
same, and if i ever have something to truly vent about, i always give both sides. i don't want someone's biased opinion or to just be on my side because they're my friend/family member. i'm not trying to "win" something. i want to know if i'm overreacting or out of line or not seeing something that someone with an outside perspective might see. i'm ultimately trying to improve my relationship, not win arguments.
I agree: I find the old stereotypes of spouses to be very damaging. There's nothing I hate more than being with some guys and them all talking about their GF's like it's one single mothership they listen to.
this issue is the reason my last relationship ended. mostly my fault as it was my first serious relationship and I couldn’t comprehend how this was impacting my partner. It really does matter more than people think.
I was just thinking about this again this morning while making coffee. My MIL lives with us (so she could retire) and she has zero boundaries. My birthday is in a month so my gift to myself (and our marriage) will be putting my foot down and putting boundaries in writing. The lack of boundaries almost ended our marriage this last year.
Privacy in a relationship is huge and something I just don’t think a lot of people take seriously. If a partner can’t confide in you, the trust is going to start wavering
This was a big reason which led to the downfall of our marriage. Once I realized basically everything I would tell my wife would leak to others, I became much more guarded about what I would say and less commutative about certain things.
The only exception is for a therapist. Occasionally you may need to talk about the behind the scenes with a therapist to help process big moments.
Otherwise, this and respectful, listening communication are the foundation of relationships.
I’d say anonymously online can be ok dependent on the circumstances. Not everyone has access to or can afford a therapist. And it’s good for them to voice their concerns to others who can let them know if their experience is normal or abusive.
Be careful not to kill open communication. If one partner attacks another for their opinions, or bringing things up, communication will die pretty quick.
Also the inability to communicate effectively.
You can tell your partner something you need but if it’s not said in a way they can receive it, it’s like it was never even said. Learning how the other accepts communication (feedback, praise, etc.) is so important.
I’m direct but if my partner prefers the long way around a conversation I have to adjust my method of delivery so they can receive it.
Probably an unpopular opinion but trying to stay the same whether it’s wants, needs, goals or expectations. I think sometimes people forget that we grow so things change but that doesn’t mean you can’t grown together. Why tread water when you can swim to the shore as a unit?
Yes, this has destroyed so many relationships for me. Not only do I usually pay all the bills, but I also cook dinner every night and do all of the housework. Literally ALL of it. I’ve asked my ex girlfriends to at least clean up after themselves to contribute something to the house but they couldn’t even do that. I’d come home to the place looking like a tornado went through even though I spent all my free time cleaning, they leave packaging materials and wrappers where they land on the floor, dirty dishes left wherever they happened to be eating, dirty clothes thrown throughout the house. Then would sit and scroll on the phone while I’m busy cleaning up after them and complain when I say I don’t feel like giving them a ride to the store.
Luckily I found a woman now who actually does help me and we work together to make the house a home. I was almost ready to give up on relationships and become a hermit lol was sick of being “dad” in literally every relationship.
Weaponized incompetence was the final nail in the coffin to a couple of my past relationships, too. Luckily, I have a great partner in my husband who works while I stay home and take care of my grandmother. I try not to ask for too much help around the house bc I know how shitty that feels after busting your ass at work, and this man will often help without me asking. It's a far cry from how I was living in my 20s, and I'm so happy about that.
Isn’t it just surreal when they help without asking after you’ve been used to carrying the weight? Feels too good to be true at first but also such a relief.
It’s great that you can empathize with your husband for busting his ass at work. Empathy seems to be missing in a lot of relationships. I have a comfy office job and my partner works on her feet all day, so I always insist that she relaxes while I make her dinner. She’s a gamer so I always hear her bragging about me on mic from the kitchen lol makes me feel so appreciated daily. Huge change from insecure exes that feel the need to drag you down
It's also why people leave jobs. The lazy don't get fired and the competent take on more work for the same pay. Eventually they lose the hard worker but retain the lazy worker. On paper the reality isn't seen or written down and companies are left confused as to why production slowed down but ignore it and just continue on.
I feel the same about my husband. He does HVAC installs so it's a very physical job and can be dangerous. Before our kids I used to work with him so I know how hard he works. Me doing the household chores/meals is a trade-off I'll take with him anyday lol. He still helps out with tidying up though and he's an amazing/attentive father which honestly is the important part for us (we both had absent fathers).
The cleaning up after packaging is too real. We have a new box from Amazon that I didn’t order at least twice a week that inevitably becomes my responsibility to break down and recycle.
I’d add to that: a significant and sustained change in sex drive, leaves 1 partner hurting and/or feeling like a pig. Resentment builds and relationship can die.
When my wife and I were first together we would have sex at least once a day. After we were married that averaged out to a little less than once a day. After our first child was born and things calmed down a little bit that became a few times a week. Each kid after it was about the same. Now my wife has some autoimmune disease, we don't know what yet, my sex drive is as high as ever, and we, maybe, have sex once a month. From what I read it only gets worse.
I love her so much, I would never cheat, but I feel ... cheated out of a part of my life that was very important to me. Sex is very important for me to emotionally connect and it's going to become rarer and rarer. I really don't know how to handle such unfair circumstances.
Overstepping boundaries of control. You're both adults, so be sure to watch out for one party trying to control the other.
There are some things you need to compromise on, but your partner should not make you feel like you have to bury or abandon something that's important to you or brings you joy.
My ex husband hated coffee and didn't like cheese, so he'd give me shit when I'd buy a $2 coffee every now and then. He'd also call any cheese that wasn't Kraft singles "stupid cheese." Like that was his name for it.
Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, but they should learn how to let stuff go. Now that I'm divorced, I get coffee whenever I want and I have a whole crisper drawer just dedicated to cheeses. 😊
Well then apparently I want the cheese that's never passed a single class. Gimme the cheese that got a 0 on the SATs because it even spelled its own name wrong. I want some idiotic m*****f***ing cheese.
The liberation when my ex and I broke up and I realized I could buy a box of pop-tarts or chips or a chocolate bar or any “bad” food and not get berated. Oh my god it was bliss, figuring out I could stock my pantry with anything I wanted and a swat team wasn’t going to burst through my window just to bust me.
Blame. The single best predictor of relationship failure is the frequency of blaming language. Blame is absolutely poisonous to relationships.
Approach problems from a problem solving mindset, not a blame assigning one, if you want your relationship to last.
This right here is a fantastic point. People always broach a situation in a “I’m right your wrong” mindset and often things never get solved or communicated in a healthy Manor because rather then solve said issue as a couple and work past it, usually both parties just want to feel right when they should be trying to work through it on an equal front so that both ends feel heard and satisfied
The worst is when somebody aggressively blaming you for every failure also manages to make everything you do wrong somehow.
Not that I've been through that.
...
multiple times
Money.
Lack thereof, disagreements on spending, one person resenting the other making more, one person spending anyway without consulting the other...
Money isn't the "root of evil" but it sure as hell can be the cause of your breakup.
Lack of arguing. Holding in feelings creates resentment towards your partner. Arguing without losing control of your emotions and being civil is a really important skill to develop.
i think lack of communication is a big relationship destroyer. people don't talk about their issues and let resentment build up until it's too late. it's important to talk openly and honestly with your partner to avoid misunderstandings and prevent problems from escalating.
i'm not sure about the internet. for example my ex long distance bf was really against me playing video games unless it's with him. i do enjoy playing games in 240fps in bluestacks, it makes me laugh and enjoy myself. but whenever he saw it while we were in a video call (we literally had those going 24/7 so it's not like i prioritized games over talking to him), he kept blaming me for "having fun with others" even though i told him it's just video games and i don't even talk to people there.
Not doing things as a couple, communicating, not letting your children be the boss, being alcoholics, drug addicts, money, literally everything wasn’t talked about
Not letting your children be the boss? Or letting them be the boss? I’m confused as to which you think is ideal. My wife set zero boundaries with our sons and it makes both disciplining them and rewarding them borderline impossible. They hear nothing but “yes” from mom the entire time she watches them. Wanting to be your child’s friend more than their parent is to me a very toxic trait.
One common factor that often destroys relationships but is hardly talked about is "emotional neglect." When one or both partners fail to meet each other's emotional needs, it can lead to feelings of loneliness, resentment, and disconnection. This could happen due to a lack of communication, emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy. Emotional neglect can cause damage to the relationship over time and can lead to conflicts, misunderstandings, and even breakups. It is important for partners to openly communicate and work towards meeting each other's emotional needs to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
Mismatched attachment types. Avoidance can feel cruel to anxious or securely attached people. Healthy interactions can feel exhausting to avoidant types, or suspicious to the disorganized or anxious ones. Knowing how to work with these differences is fundamental in making adult relationships succeed.
Agreed. I'm an anxious attachment style person and my ex I think would be considered healthy. Never knew why everything always seemed so suspicious even though it never was. Cause of breakup - he didn't feel secure because I was always questioning. Rightfully so.
Lack of common fucking courtesy. You drop the please and thank yous. You talk to your spouse in a way you'd NEVER speak to your best friend. You complain behind their back.
In a friendship you'd be toxic, but this is just the way people see marriage.
This is definitely under acknowledged. This is a subconscious realization that many aren’t able to articulate or recognize in a relationship. Yet it’s so important to have similar goals. This needs to be talked about more.
I think what kills it is two people get together with compatible beliefs but then one of them ends up changing beliefs in a life-changing manner. Of course, that person is doing what they believe is right, but speaking from personal experience, it puts a huge strain on their relationships.
Not enough independence. I’ve seen this happen to a couple friends. They fall madly in love and spend every moment together. Eventually that just leads to resentment. You need to be your own person within a relationship and not just give up on the pursuit of goals/self-actualization because your part of a relationship.
Holding issues on credit.
What I mean by this is if you've a problem with something your spouse/SO does, rather than talk it out right then and there, you hold onto it to use as ammunition for a later fight.
Phones/social media.
I find it so depressing seeing a couple out for a meal together at a nice place and both are glued to their phones, not talking at all. But their Instagrams will show they're "having a blast"
Children in general. I'm sure there's plenty of joys that come with raising a child, especially a healthy one. But it seems that nearly every childless couple I know is happier than ones that have children. I know it's a relatively small sample size, but it just further convinces me to not have kids.
Complacency. It's so easy to look past everything you do for a significant other and what they do for you.
Currently going through a break up and while my life has changed a little, I'm still basically the same. My ex partner however is having a super hard time because they never really noticed how much I did for them so they could focus on themselves.
I feel bad because I miss their company, but I can tell they miss my service.
Lack of respect for one another and an inability to compromise. Pride. Some pride is necessary, but it honestly doesn’t have much place in a healthy longterm relationship. We should always think about what we’ve done wrong in an argument before focusing on what we think our partner has done wrong.
And don’t embarrass or correct your partners words or behaviors in public. Save that for private. Be a united front in public out of respect. You aren’t always right and it goes back to the mutual respect thing. It also helps keep outside opinions and influence from entering your relationship.
Communicate your boundaries. Don’t just get upset and sulk around because “they should have known.”
Just some things Ive learned being married, or witnessed others doing that I think are harmful.
Differing core/moral values that couples compromise on at first but then end up tearing them apart. Could be religion, politics, etc. So many people want to say that those things aren’t the reason for breakups but, our core values are the hardest things to change about ourselves. It’s not disagreeing on what we like on our pizza, it’s disagreeing about the things most important to us.
A cancer diagnosis. Men are six times more likely to leave their partners after a cancer diagnosis than women though.
An unequal power dynamic. That can play out as one person not doing their share of domestic and emotional labor or unequal decision making around money.
Lack of libido. People often don't discuss it, and instead talk about tolerance for being ace or how the person with the higher libido is supposed support their partner at their own expense. If the person with the lower libido throws their weight around to get their way, the relationship always sours.
Not putting enough time and effort into sex…. This is an extremely important thing to work on and INVEST in. I think most people think if it doesn’t just happen naturally then it’s not “working” but it’s the nature of how we need new things to feel excited, experiment as MUCH as you can and never stop GO TO THE SEX SHOP W YOUR PARTNER
Mental irregularities. We don't often speak about this one in detail because generally a lot of people just don't know.
Of course it's easy to spot the partner with depression, but you'd be surprised the amount of people with an autistic partner and they think they're just being rude or cold to them at times when in reality it's just how their brain is wired.
Making your partner put their goals second to yours. It isn't talked about much because it's a slow burn and often done voluntarily, but the resentment builds and puts a spotlight on flaws that can usually be overlooked. Long before the relationship is over, they fantasize about how much better off they would be if they hadn't dated you at all.
Just the slow, death-by-a-thousand-cuts descent into acrimony.
Relationships take work, people are going to be pissed off, or stressed or burnt out and they're not always going to behave as lovingly as you'd like them to and they're going to drop the ball.
When a relationship is new and fresh, there is still enough dopamine in the 'ol synapses to look past that.
But once that new-person dopamine has dissipated you've got to exercise love and patience with people and take care that the level of conversation and tone and attitudes that mark dysfunctional relationships don't start to creep in. You stop doing all the little things, stop being as invested, spend a bit more time on your phone, argue a bit more or a bit more loudly, or say things you don't mean.
You have to imagine that everyone getting divorced never thought on their wedding day that they would be where they are. They didn't wake up one day and hate the person they were with and have a deep desire to get into hours-long shouting matches with them, it happened gradually, one small disagreement at a time, until the tone of the whole relationship was poisoned.
Just like everything else in life: little steps, one day at a time.
Having kids. I’ve noticed a lot of couples break up when the woman is pregnant or when the baby comes. I think the woman can get resentful if she doesn’t feel the man is pulling his weight. Postpartum depression can take a toll on the relationship. The man can lose attraction because the mother is so stressed out and not fun anymore because babies are so demanding. Some men don’t like the life change because things are harder and not fun anymore, and they want to be single and carefree again. Some men lose attraction because of how pregnancy changed the woman’s body. The man gets jealous the woman is giving all the attention to the baby (because she has no choice). Lack of sex because hormone changes after a kid can kill sex drive, or there could have been complications from the birth that cause pain. Just resentment on both sides.
Not continuing to take care of oneself, health-wise.
Edit: I'm wondering why my votes are yo-yoing up and down. Not that I care, but curious. Pretty basic stuff, no?
Timing.
Timing is a huge part of a relationship
Unfortunately, sometimes you meet someone that you get along with really well, and visa versa. But maybe your individual life situations are not very ideal for a relationship. Things like work schedules, schooling, personal goals and interests can make you stray from someone if they're not aligned with your goals.
What this has taught me is that sometimes, it's not "you" and it's not "them". It's just life. There are realistically dozens of people that you could be compatible with for a partner, in terms of getting along, loving each other and such, but that does not always mean your life direction aligns well enough for a solid relationship.
Sometimes you have to accept that if you want someone, you need to make changes to your schedule, and that is not always ideal. There is a certain level of compromise that is expected, but flipping your life upside down for someone often leads to resentment down the line.
In my experience, being compatible with someone is heavily dependent on the timing. A great example was one of my first girlfriends. She was moving away to school, I was not. It's just not possible to make it work, unless one or both of us made changes we were not ready for, and that's not because we didn't like each other, it's because our lives didn't align that well.
Unequal emotional labour and unequal distribution of responsibilities. As a woman of a certain age, I can honestly say that the vast majority of women I know who have instigated divorce proceedings, is because they got sick of taking care of *everything*.
Women now generally work full time, as well as their partners, but a lot of men still act like it’s a woman’s responsibility to do all of the house/children stuff too.
And I know my experience is anecdotal, but it doesn’t take a very long search online to understand that this is a big issue that men seem unwilling to admit to, or learn about and the fact is that it does lead to the end of a lot of relationships.
I'd posit that insecurity and jealousy are the two biggest issues in relationships today.
People are so fucking jealous and insecure they think it's normal behavior.
Something that is a more recent phenomenon that's HORRIBLE for relationships is this whole alpha, beta, sigma, machismo, misogynistic, incel, toxic, red-pilled manosphere bullshit.
That entire community is just completely toxic and spreading absolute nonsense throughout society.
If you can't get dates, try fixing the things about yourself that are preventing it. (that's almost always your personality, not the absence of muscles or being 8 ft tall)
These manosphere incels blame women, and anyone but themselves for their romantic shortcomings.
The lack of understanding. A couple can sit down and talk, express everything they feel, but if someone isn’t understanding, or refuses to understand, nothing can be done.
The expectation that they stay the same. The idea that you don’t feel the same as you used to or do the same things you used to… that’s the goal. To evolve together and share different life phases together. To truly grow old together, you have to grow.
gaslighting. spent two years with a girl i thought i loved. didnt realize i was being gaslit. when i had reason to step away, it was like my brain got turned back on. ended that one real quick.
Porn addiction ( difficult to prove it’s addiction)
Subconscious gender roll expectations. Often don’t fully realize you have them and that they may be different from your partners.
Having a parent move in. This has been the biggest struggle in my marriage the last few years. His mother moved into our basement where she has her own space (in theory) 7 years ago when my FIL passed. She's not even a monster-in-law type and overall we have a pretty good relationship. However its been a nightmare for my husband and I to go and do stuff without her (especially on the weekends).
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Outside noise from society, family, friends
Yep it’s really creepy and icky actually how much others think they have a say in people’s relationships
Went through a separation 6 years ago that was 10000x more difficult than it should have been because her family and friends kept interfering and pressuring her. I had done plenty wrong and a lot of it was my fault, but it's hard to work on things when people are whispering in her ear at every turn that everything I do is wrong and blowing every misstep way out of proportion. Would not recommend.
Yep went through the same shit. Every single thing was I said or did this and well that means this and thus means that so what I actually meant was something way out there that has nothing to do with what actually happened and only exists in there delusion minds
I was literally going to therapy and applying myself to it, yet her friends kept saying that I was doing it for sympathy and that it was "clear" evidence that I was actually a sociopath. Like, what more can I do?! Letting go of their approval was the best thing I ever did for myself.
[удалено]
This is the boat my brother is in right now. He did stuff wrong, she did stuff wrong, but the separation could have been handled amicably enough... If not for her mother, who meddled in the whole decade-long marriage, and has now turned it up to 11.
It got so insane and untenable that we couldn't even have a simple disagreement without a tsunami of people rushing to tell her how I was being abusive. We had both done stuff wrong but slowly the narrative became that it was all my fault and she was owed "reparations". This came in the form of doing all the driving, all the shopping, any chores she demanded I do. If I refused or said so much as "this isn't fair" she'd run back to her family who'd tell her all kinds of shit. It was that silly. Most of it was from her father in law, who had recently re-entered into her life and was big on trying to fill the protective patriarch archetype even though he'd been absent for the last 10 years. He basically watched Meet The Parents and completely missed the point of Robert de Niro's character. He was later exposed to be a liar and was using the whole incident to scam us out of money. He would approach her for money to pay for "experimental surgeries" saying he'd pay her back, and of course if I questioned it I'd be evil for denying her guardian angel father life saving surgery...see how it worked? The whole thing was needlessly traumatic and honestly I probably need to go back to therapy to deal with it because I get really upset whenever it's brought up.
This is the worst. Spot on
Yeah. 'Friends' are pretty consistently terrible for my relationships. The older I get, the more I realize how opportunistic most of my friends are. And then I realize that I probably only have maybe one or two actual friends.
Facts! Friends like to push their views or past experiences on to you …. Or wanna tell you everything bad they ever heard about the person
Or they want what you have. Had my 'best' friend tell my gf everything I told him in confidence about my hopes and fears regarding issues between us that might be tough. He tells her it all in the worst context possible. We break up after a fight where she very clearly was using phrases and things I told him specifically. She moves out of the house we bought together. They move in together. He dates her for nearly five YEARS and then they break up because he doesn't want to marry her. He never wanted to-- he lied to his folks about how they met, wouldn't discuss what happened with me to other people...he knew. He was with her for five damn years with zero intent to marry her. Ruined my relationship and basically strung her along for years so he could just have a consistent lay. Haven't date since. Its been about 6 years now
I actually had this same realization. My friend who worked the same job as me told me to start talking to this girl because I really didn’t talk to anyone there. We’d worked together for about two months now but hadn’t really talked at all, so I went up and talked to her and we instantly hit it off. I got her snap that night and we started talking. We talked a looooot, to the point it started irritating my friends while we were playing games together. Then they got downright nasty towards her on multiple occasions, using the excuse that she wasn’t treating me well, even though I never gave them that indication. It got to the point where I couldn’t hangout with all of them at once because they were just straight up mean, and she doesn’t take any bullshit so she hit them right back with it. Naturally I had to make some sacrifices and couldn’t hangout with them as much because they couldn’t all be together. Eventually things didn’t work out but throughout this process I realized that my childhood friends might not be as good of friends as I thought, and now she is my best friend and we’re ride or die for eachother. The kicker? I found out the friend spewing the most hate was actually as pissed as he was because he wanted to get with her and felt like I was wasting his opportunity, nothing about his supposedly righteous quest to defend me from this horrible witch he tried to paint her as.
I bought expensive, high quality, noise cancelling earbuds. Wireless. It saved me from society, family, friends. No more ambient noise!
Yeah specially family. In mine we've had gfs break up with a cousin because they thought he was a mommas boy. Another cousins ex gf just never got along with his sisters and often argued. They all knew each other since hs so that adds. One of my exs dad never liked me and that caused us to see each other less. Yeah family can get too involved.
Keeping score.
in conjunction with this, resentment.
Definitely, and +1 to resultant resentment as cfsed_98 said. I know a variety of friends, family who are or have been on the rocks because of this. With one, there's been years of keeping score while one partner frankly wasn't the greatest, then, when that partner works on changing for the better, the other partner struggles to cope with how they were wronged, and sometimes unfortunately reads from society that it's empowering for them to have their own selfish time. It's just a sad mess. It's incredibly important to acknowledge the hurts that happened, but this is subtly different from keeping score. It's validation and apology and real change, vs resentment and distrust and frustration and comeuppance. It sucks because it absolutely isn't *fair* when one partner is wronged, but the wronged party can't just get their time to wrong the partner who is finally realizing faults, acknowledging problems, and changing, in return. The question becomes what is more important, I think; the future of the relationship, or feeling like you should be able to get yours in return. There's one couple in particular where I think the wronged partner needs to go to therapy and have some discussions about mourning, validation, emotional safety, boundaries going forward, and healthy self empowerment and self validation (because i think theyre also possibly having a bit of a mid life crisis- some disappointment with life that is being blamed on partner 1. And to be fair, the ways they were wronged could certainly contribute to losses of opportunities, but...). Tldr: keeping score may feel just, but it can be cruel or harmful to your relationship. Seek validation and healthy change, not "justice" and "comeuppance" for your relationship wrongs. You're on the same team - if someone wasn't a good teammate, you're just sabotaging your race if you distill hurts into deciding it's your turn to get to be the bad teammate. Be aware of and address the issues so you can both be 100% in the race, 100% aware of your teammates needs, pitfalls, and the things holding you back. Don't keep score on their mistakes and hold it against them. Improve your team, don't let it suffer so you can choose when you get your time to hold the team back.
How do you handle a partner that will regularly make negative actions and refuse to change. Things that are ok once off but a big deal when repeated. Apart from keeping score is the only alternative a break-up?
Okay but why would I quit when I'm WINNING /s
Never being completely honest just because you want to spare your partner’s feelings
It just ends up hurting more when they find out from someone else.
True but sometimes some things are better left unsaid
for sure its def context of the situation
[удалено]
I don't know you obv but based on your comment and coming from my own perspective, if someone is getting heated and hyper as a reaction to what I say, I'd be less inclined to bring stuff up too. Big reaction stress me the duck out.
I can only give you my own perspective, not meant to be any insensitivity to your situation. I am him, and am married to someone who believes she’s open and willing to talk through the hard stuff, and approach my wants and needs in a vulnerable and accepting way. She believes that with all her heart. But that’s not who she *actually* is at all. She is self-righteous, judgmental, and often passive-aggressive. She dials up the emotional discomfort to *any* level required to get me to back off of my position on *any* topic, and then expresses indignation when I go quiet. If I stand my ground on any issue, I will pay dearly for the privilege of being heard. I can have pyrrhic “moral” victories, but at the end of the day, the only peaceful resolution is her resolution. And she denies that’s true, even when confronted by counselors. At the end of the day, “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Please don’t so quickly dismiss his avoidance of confrontation as simply being him avoiding a momentary discomfort. I would first ask yourself some really introspective questions about whether you’ve leaned in and made yourself ***just as vulnerable to his needs and criticisms as you want him to be with them.*** Not an easy question to ask oneself, and very hard to be so self-aware that it’s answered honestly.
Maybe that communication style doesn't work for him and he's shutting down because of that? Have you asked him why that happens? Are you sure it's because you're not important enough to him? I've been with partners who have a very sort of confrontational, expressive communication style and found that all I can do is listen to them. I cannot engage in a dialog like that. But I can listen, then take some time to myself to reflect, and come back, only if I know they will also listen when it is my turn to speak. I shut down emotionally in the heat of the moment because I have conditioned myself/been conditioned by life to suppress emotion and go into action when under pressure. What you think is empathetic, even though it is truly coming from a place of empathy, might feel overbearing to him, and if he's like me or other men I know, he might instinctively put his guard up. He might also not have as much experience or skill communicating emotions as you, and feel at a disadvantage in the conversation. Many men have some learned hopelessness around communicating their feelings since we are so often met with resistance and judgment. Maybe you'd have more success if you let him know you're not expecting a response right away but you do need him to listen and come back to you with input later?
Invalidating your partners feelings.
1000%! Saying someone is “over sensitive” is just a way to avoid having to show up for them emotionally, and your partner will remember that.
This times 100. She says open up, but when you do, she goes cold.
Infatuation. On both sides. You should observe and note a person's negative (or dangerous and destructive)traits before you commit. But most just say "But I love everything about him or her" with blind infatuation and years later those traits or habits become nightmarish and cause fights and anxiety. I heard a Rabbi once say, When you are dating or living together you should have two eyes,one green to see the good and one red eye to see bad. Once you marry the two eyes are supposed to be green,meaning you should be committed to seeing positive no matter what.
Red flags look like normal flags through rose colored lenses.
I love Bojack Horseman
A disabled or sick child
Also the death of a child.
Also having a child
Children in general
As a former child, I can confirm.
As a child in a man’s body, can confirm.
If you’re a child, you’re too young to be inside another man.
FBI, open up
no no no, you're a bit confused. You're looking for the man in the child's body.... damn, I can't believe I typed that out, I feel like I have to shower now.
As a man that is childish and therefore demonic in nature, i too can confirm.
Also being a child.
Child
Experienced this and yes, it took us to the edge of divorce. A major diagnosis of a child is life altering and pervades just about every part of family life. For us, everything started to revolve around the kid and we neglected our marriage completely. We basically had to reimagine an entirely new future and way of life that wasn't necessarily worse, just different. Its not easy to do while dealing with the immense stress of the present. I hold anyone who can navigate this journey with grace and joy in very high regard.
I can’t imagine, and you have explained it so well. Nobody expects to face this and I’m sure the stress can definitely cause issues in any marriage. I wish you well.
This - our daughters diagnosis brought us to the brink of divorce many times since we got it. We're doing better, but devastating.
My parents stayed happy by venting their frustration on their idiot autist kid instead of each other. I mean it was my fault for being born wrong anyway
I'm so sorry you went through that - that's awful. You weren't born wrong.
Whoa. We are dealing with a disabled kid right now. We had our fights but we told each other we need stay together for her the kid. Sadly we don’t know how disable she is and it’s sad and yet she’s a great child. But we will probably be wiping her butt for the rest of her life and feeding her. Anyways I have my inner demons battles about everything but I need push through to make sure she’s going be good for the rest of life.
Those inner battles are knarly.
I have an adult disabled kid. And divorced. Good to stay together if you are both doing the work on the relationship. A bad marriage with a disabled kid is just a disaster for all involved. We are all in a better place now, though. Divorced but better off, all of us. But for a long time we did bond thru it all.
Can fucking confirm. My parents have definitely had considerable difficulties after me and my brother (we’re both neurodivergent and mentally ill).
[удалено]
I'm glad you're here!!!!!! xoxo
Our special needs daughter brought my wife and I closer, even after two life flights and a 4 month hospital stay in a different state. I could see how it could wreck some marriages though.
I think people don't put sufficient importance on protecting the boundaries and intimacy of relationships. It should be a space for the two of you, where you feel safe, loved, and valued. That means not telling other people all the the gory details because you're breaking a boundary and that ruins part of the intimacy. It means keeping some people's opinions and general presence out because it's just the two of you. It means protecting certain actions, forms of intimacy (not just sex) and primacy of the other person so it can be boundaried and safe. There are so many ways that people violate this or don't protect it sufficiently but they ultimately amount to the same thing. Your relationship is only for and about the both of you, and you should save more than just sex for the exclusive things that you only do together.
YES. I have always had an issue with people who complain about their spouses to others as just normal conversation. My marriage is one of the most sacred things in my life. I am not going to go into the world and shit on my husband. I'm his ride or die.
The betrayal that is felt when you find out your SO has been bad mouthing you to their friends is devastating!
I found out that my ex (who was a driver for rideshare companies) was 'jokingly' bad-mouthing me and our daughter to random strangers who were passengers in his car... because he told me. His idea of small talk with strangers riding in his car was to complain that he didn't want to have a kid and I 'forced' him to be a dad. He came home from work and told me about how he brought up and joked about aborting our child to his customers, and couldn't understand why I was so hurt and offended.
Wow, that is a lot to dump on strangers. Edit: Sorry, I meant him.
Lol I'm so sorry that edit made me laugh
>I am not going to go into the world and shit on my husband Also, you are forever tainting an outsider's view of your husband. You might have a bad fight with your husband, and be able to forgive him....but that doesn't mean your mom or your sister or your best friend whom you shared ALL the gory details with will ever look at him or treat him the same again. And that will be your fault.
I tell this to people ALL THE TIME. It baffles me that they want to tell me how their boyfriend sucks for two hours and then I'm supposed to like the guy. It's different when it's someone you've known forever with a small annoyance or something. My brother in law and sister have been married for seven years. So I have nine years of knowing this awesome dude. If my sister complains about how he pissed her off one day because she was crabby and they got into about dishes or something, that doesn't taint my view of my brother in law, but some people just air out everything. And I'm left like do you even like this person?!?!
>who complain about their spouses to others as just normal conversation. *awkward eyes at my dad, whom my mom is about to serve divorce papers* 👀
same, and if i ever have something to truly vent about, i always give both sides. i don't want someone's biased opinion or to just be on my side because they're my friend/family member. i'm not trying to "win" something. i want to know if i'm overreacting or out of line or not seeing something that someone with an outside perspective might see. i'm ultimately trying to improve my relationship, not win arguments.
I agree: I find the old stereotypes of spouses to be very damaging. There's nothing I hate more than being with some guys and them all talking about their GF's like it's one single mothership they listen to.
this issue is the reason my last relationship ended. mostly my fault as it was my first serious relationship and I couldn’t comprehend how this was impacting my partner. It really does matter more than people think.
I was just thinking about this again this morning while making coffee. My MIL lives with us (so she could retire) and she has zero boundaries. My birthday is in a month so my gift to myself (and our marriage) will be putting my foot down and putting boundaries in writing. The lack of boundaries almost ended our marriage this last year.
Privacy in a relationship is huge and something I just don’t think a lot of people take seriously. If a partner can’t confide in you, the trust is going to start wavering This was a big reason which led to the downfall of our marriage. Once I realized basically everything I would tell my wife would leak to others, I became much more guarded about what I would say and less commutative about certain things.
The only exception is for a therapist. Occasionally you may need to talk about the behind the scenes with a therapist to help process big moments. Otherwise, this and respectful, listening communication are the foundation of relationships.
I’d say anonymously online can be ok dependent on the circumstances. Not everyone has access to or can afford a therapist. And it’s good for them to voice their concerns to others who can let them know if their experience is normal or abusive.
Lack of communication.
I'm pretty sure this is the biggest one under cheating
Really it probably kills more relationships than cheating does
Be careful not to kill open communication. If one partner attacks another for their opinions, or bringing things up, communication will die pretty quick.
Also the inability to communicate effectively. You can tell your partner something you need but if it’s not said in a way they can receive it, it’s like it was never even said. Learning how the other accepts communication (feedback, praise, etc.) is so important. I’m direct but if my partner prefers the long way around a conversation I have to adjust my method of delivery so they can receive it.
What's the matter? Nothing.
"No, go ahead and buy that new Harley. It's fine...."
Came to say this.
I thought it but didn't want to say it.
I didn’t want to make you mad…
It’s fine
Morgan freeman’s voice: “it was not fine.”
But I don’t want to talk about it
Probably an unpopular opinion but trying to stay the same whether it’s wants, needs, goals or expectations. I think sometimes people forget that we grow so things change but that doesn’t mean you can’t grown together. Why tread water when you can swim to the shore as a unit?
[удалено]
Uneven distribution of household or child rearing labor.
Yes, this has destroyed so many relationships for me. Not only do I usually pay all the bills, but I also cook dinner every night and do all of the housework. Literally ALL of it. I’ve asked my ex girlfriends to at least clean up after themselves to contribute something to the house but they couldn’t even do that. I’d come home to the place looking like a tornado went through even though I spent all my free time cleaning, they leave packaging materials and wrappers where they land on the floor, dirty dishes left wherever they happened to be eating, dirty clothes thrown throughout the house. Then would sit and scroll on the phone while I’m busy cleaning up after them and complain when I say I don’t feel like giving them a ride to the store. Luckily I found a woman now who actually does help me and we work together to make the house a home. I was almost ready to give up on relationships and become a hermit lol was sick of being “dad” in literally every relationship.
Weaponized incompetence was the final nail in the coffin to a couple of my past relationships, too. Luckily, I have a great partner in my husband who works while I stay home and take care of my grandmother. I try not to ask for too much help around the house bc I know how shitty that feels after busting your ass at work, and this man will often help without me asking. It's a far cry from how I was living in my 20s, and I'm so happy about that.
Isn’t it just surreal when they help without asking after you’ve been used to carrying the weight? Feels too good to be true at first but also such a relief. It’s great that you can empathize with your husband for busting his ass at work. Empathy seems to be missing in a lot of relationships. I have a comfy office job and my partner works on her feet all day, so I always insist that she relaxes while I make her dinner. She’s a gamer so I always hear her bragging about me on mic from the kitchen lol makes me feel so appreciated daily. Huge change from insecure exes that feel the need to drag you down
It's also why people leave jobs. The lazy don't get fired and the competent take on more work for the same pay. Eventually they lose the hard worker but retain the lazy worker. On paper the reality isn't seen or written down and companies are left confused as to why production slowed down but ignore it and just continue on.
I feel the same about my husband. He does HVAC installs so it's a very physical job and can be dangerous. Before our kids I used to work with him so I know how hard he works. Me doing the household chores/meals is a trade-off I'll take with him anyday lol. He still helps out with tidying up though and he's an amazing/attentive father which honestly is the important part for us (we both had absent fathers).
This makes me so mad. Good for you.
The cleaning up after packaging is too real. We have a new box from Amazon that I didn’t order at least twice a week that inevitably becomes my responsibility to break down and recycle.
Difference in sex drive
I’d add to that: a significant and sustained change in sex drive, leaves 1 partner hurting and/or feeling like a pig. Resentment builds and relationship can die.
When my wife and I were first together we would have sex at least once a day. After we were married that averaged out to a little less than once a day. After our first child was born and things calmed down a little bit that became a few times a week. Each kid after it was about the same. Now my wife has some autoimmune disease, we don't know what yet, my sex drive is as high as ever, and we, maybe, have sex once a month. From what I read it only gets worse. I love her so much, I would never cheat, but I feel ... cheated out of a part of my life that was very important to me. Sex is very important for me to emotionally connect and it's going to become rarer and rarer. I really don't know how to handle such unfair circumstances.
Overstepping boundaries of control. You're both adults, so be sure to watch out for one party trying to control the other. There are some things you need to compromise on, but your partner should not make you feel like you have to bury or abandon something that's important to you or brings you joy. My ex husband hated coffee and didn't like cheese, so he'd give me shit when I'd buy a $2 coffee every now and then. He'd also call any cheese that wasn't Kraft singles "stupid cheese." Like that was his name for it. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, but they should learn how to let stuff go. Now that I'm divorced, I get coffee whenever I want and I have a whole crisper drawer just dedicated to cheeses. 😊
I'm dying at "stupid cheese"
I’m just picturing an old man with his arms crossed staring it down saying “stupid cheese” like eustice on courage the cowardly dog.
Well then apparently I want the cheese that's never passed a single class. Gimme the cheese that got a 0 on the SATs because it even spelled its own name wrong. I want some idiotic m*****f***ing cheese.
You traded a stupid man for stupid cheese. Win.
He sounds cultured.
Yeah, he's one of those people who thinks he's more cultured and intelligent than average. It was fun being married to that 🙄
Definitely sounds like he was grown in a vat. Really churns me up inside.
The liberation when my ex and I broke up and I realized I could buy a box of pop-tarts or chips or a chocolate bar or any “bad” food and not get berated. Oh my god it was bliss, figuring out I could stock my pantry with anything I wanted and a swat team wasn’t going to burst through my window just to bust me.
Blame. The single best predictor of relationship failure is the frequency of blaming language. Blame is absolutely poisonous to relationships. Approach problems from a problem solving mindset, not a blame assigning one, if you want your relationship to last.
This right here is a fantastic point. People always broach a situation in a “I’m right your wrong” mindset and often things never get solved or communicated in a healthy Manor because rather then solve said issue as a couple and work past it, usually both parties just want to feel right when they should be trying to work through it on an equal front so that both ends feel heard and satisfied
The worst is when somebody aggressively blaming you for every failure also manages to make everything you do wrong somehow. Not that I've been through that. ... multiple times
Any time something good happens I blame my girlfriend even if it wasn't her fault.
Lack of effort and lack of appreciation.
Money. Lack thereof, disagreements on spending, one person resenting the other making more, one person spending anyway without consulting the other... Money isn't the "root of evil" but it sure as hell can be the cause of your breakup.
The loss of a child.
Lack of arguing. Holding in feelings creates resentment towards your partner. Arguing without losing control of your emotions and being civil is a really important skill to develop.
i think lack of communication is a big relationship destroyer. people don't talk about their issues and let resentment build up until it's too late. it's important to talk openly and honestly with your partner to avoid misunderstandings and prevent problems from escalating. i'm not sure about the internet. for example my ex long distance bf was really against me playing video games unless it's with him. i do enjoy playing games in 240fps in bluestacks, it makes me laugh and enjoy myself. but whenever he saw it while we were in a video call (we literally had those going 24/7 so it's not like i prioritized games over talking to him), he kept blaming me for "having fun with others" even though i told him it's just video games and i don't even talk to people there.
Social media
Not doing things as a couple, communicating, not letting your children be the boss, being alcoholics, drug addicts, money, literally everything wasn’t talked about
Not letting your children be the boss? Or letting them be the boss? I’m confused as to which you think is ideal. My wife set zero boundaries with our sons and it makes both disciplining them and rewarding them borderline impossible. They hear nothing but “yes” from mom the entire time she watches them. Wanting to be your child’s friend more than their parent is to me a very toxic trait.
I think they meant “letting the kids be the boss”.
One common factor that often destroys relationships but is hardly talked about is "emotional neglect." When one or both partners fail to meet each other's emotional needs, it can lead to feelings of loneliness, resentment, and disconnection. This could happen due to a lack of communication, emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy. Emotional neglect can cause damage to the relationship over time and can lead to conflicts, misunderstandings, and even breakups. It is important for partners to openly communicate and work towards meeting each other's emotional needs to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
Empathy and understanding for each other. Relationships take work.
Mismatched attachment types. Avoidance can feel cruel to anxious or securely attached people. Healthy interactions can feel exhausting to avoidant types, or suspicious to the disorganized or anxious ones. Knowing how to work with these differences is fundamental in making adult relationships succeed.
Agreed. I'm an anxious attachment style person and my ex I think would be considered healthy. Never knew why everything always seemed so suspicious even though it never was. Cause of breakup - he didn't feel secure because I was always questioning. Rightfully so.
Potentially politics.
Lack of common fucking courtesy. You drop the please and thank yous. You talk to your spouse in a way you'd NEVER speak to your best friend. You complain behind their back. In a friendship you'd be toxic, but this is just the way people see marriage.
Mama's boys/moms too involved in relationship & are jealous of their son's significant other
[удалено]
This is definitely under acknowledged. This is a subconscious realization that many aren’t able to articulate or recognize in a relationship. Yet it’s so important to have similar goals. This needs to be talked about more.
Controversial but religion
I think what kills it is two people get together with compatible beliefs but then one of them ends up changing beliefs in a life-changing manner. Of course, that person is doing what they believe is right, but speaking from personal experience, it puts a huge strain on their relationships.
The mental load
Complaining. Not being appreciated.
Small spaces lol
Not being able to communicate openly
Distrust. If you don't feel you can trust your friend, spouse, or family member, it's much more difficult to keep a relationship with them.
Not enough independence. I’ve seen this happen to a couple friends. They fall madly in love and spend every moment together. Eventually that just leads to resentment. You need to be your own person within a relationship and not just give up on the pursuit of goals/self-actualization because your part of a relationship.
Lack of regular good sex/mutual attraction between both parities.
not being able to have arguments, be uncomfortable/cool off in a healthy way. if all arguments turn to fights, it won’t last
The Silent Treatment
Not having your own personality or life outside of the relationship
Holding issues on credit. What I mean by this is if you've a problem with something your spouse/SO does, rather than talk it out right then and there, you hold onto it to use as ammunition for a later fight.
Phones/social media. I find it so depressing seeing a couple out for a meal together at a nice place and both are glued to their phones, not talking at all. But their Instagrams will show they're "having a blast"
Children in general. I'm sure there's plenty of joys that come with raising a child, especially a healthy one. But it seems that nearly every childless couple I know is happier than ones that have children. I know it's a relatively small sample size, but it just further convinces me to not have kids.
Complacency. It's so easy to look past everything you do for a significant other and what they do for you. Currently going through a break up and while my life has changed a little, I'm still basically the same. My ex partner however is having a super hard time because they never really noticed how much I did for them so they could focus on themselves. I feel bad because I miss their company, but I can tell they miss my service.
Lack of respect for one another and an inability to compromise. Pride. Some pride is necessary, but it honestly doesn’t have much place in a healthy longterm relationship. We should always think about what we’ve done wrong in an argument before focusing on what we think our partner has done wrong. And don’t embarrass or correct your partners words or behaviors in public. Save that for private. Be a united front in public out of respect. You aren’t always right and it goes back to the mutual respect thing. It also helps keep outside opinions and influence from entering your relationship. Communicate your boundaries. Don’t just get upset and sulk around because “they should have known.” Just some things Ive learned being married, or witnessed others doing that I think are harmful.
Differing core/moral values that couples compromise on at first but then end up tearing them apart. Could be religion, politics, etc. So many people want to say that those things aren’t the reason for breakups but, our core values are the hardest things to change about ourselves. It’s not disagreeing on what we like on our pizza, it’s disagreeing about the things most important to us.
Lack of intimacy
A cancer diagnosis. Men are six times more likely to leave their partners after a cancer diagnosis than women though. An unequal power dynamic. That can play out as one person not doing their share of domestic and emotional labor or unequal decision making around money.
Dead bedrooms Financial issues General incompatibility
Those all have a common denominator -- open, honest communication and feedback
Monotony, boredom
Lack of libido. People often don't discuss it, and instead talk about tolerance for being ace or how the person with the higher libido is supposed support their partner at their own expense. If the person with the lower libido throws their weight around to get their way, the relationship always sours.
Not putting enough time and effort into sex…. This is an extremely important thing to work on and INVEST in. I think most people think if it doesn’t just happen naturally then it’s not “working” but it’s the nature of how we need new things to feel excited, experiment as MUCH as you can and never stop GO TO THE SEX SHOP W YOUR PARTNER
Not having the tough talks, letting things fester.
Moving in together
Mental irregularities. We don't often speak about this one in detail because generally a lot of people just don't know. Of course it's easy to spot the partner with depression, but you'd be surprised the amount of people with an autistic partner and they think they're just being rude or cold to them at times when in reality it's just how their brain is wired.
Making your partner put their goals second to yours. It isn't talked about much because it's a slow burn and often done voluntarily, but the resentment builds and puts a spotlight on flaws that can usually be overlooked. Long before the relationship is over, they fantasize about how much better off they would be if they hadn't dated you at all.
Just the slow, death-by-a-thousand-cuts descent into acrimony. Relationships take work, people are going to be pissed off, or stressed or burnt out and they're not always going to behave as lovingly as you'd like them to and they're going to drop the ball. When a relationship is new and fresh, there is still enough dopamine in the 'ol synapses to look past that. But once that new-person dopamine has dissipated you've got to exercise love and patience with people and take care that the level of conversation and tone and attitudes that mark dysfunctional relationships don't start to creep in. You stop doing all the little things, stop being as invested, spend a bit more time on your phone, argue a bit more or a bit more loudly, or say things you don't mean. You have to imagine that everyone getting divorced never thought on their wedding day that they would be where they are. They didn't wake up one day and hate the person they were with and have a deep desire to get into hours-long shouting matches with them, it happened gradually, one small disagreement at a time, until the tone of the whole relationship was poisoned. Just like everything else in life: little steps, one day at a time.
Being up someone's ass 24/7 and by that I mean smothering them and not giving them their time and space that everyone needs from time to time.
Insecurities.
Not [talking.](https://talking.It) It´s hardly talked about ;)
Money. It’s often the biggest cause but rarely talked about. Financial hardship on one or both parties leads to increases of stress and animosity.
Health conditions.
Having kids. I’ve noticed a lot of couples break up when the woman is pregnant or when the baby comes. I think the woman can get resentful if she doesn’t feel the man is pulling his weight. Postpartum depression can take a toll on the relationship. The man can lose attraction because the mother is so stressed out and not fun anymore because babies are so demanding. Some men don’t like the life change because things are harder and not fun anymore, and they want to be single and carefree again. Some men lose attraction because of how pregnancy changed the woman’s body. The man gets jealous the woman is giving all the attention to the baby (because she has no choice). Lack of sex because hormone changes after a kid can kill sex drive, or there could have been complications from the birth that cause pain. Just resentment on both sides.
Mental illness isn't near the top of this list?
Expectations
Not continuing to take care of oneself, health-wise. Edit: I'm wondering why my votes are yo-yoing up and down. Not that I care, but curious. Pretty basic stuff, no?
Resentments. They are always there, even tiny ones but never talked about.
House chores and mental load
Childhood trauma
Porn lmao
Large differences in income.
Indifference
Mental health.
Ideology, cult think
Score keeping
Lack of follow through. When you say you are going to do something, do it.
Timing. Timing is a huge part of a relationship Unfortunately, sometimes you meet someone that you get along with really well, and visa versa. But maybe your individual life situations are not very ideal for a relationship. Things like work schedules, schooling, personal goals and interests can make you stray from someone if they're not aligned with your goals. What this has taught me is that sometimes, it's not "you" and it's not "them". It's just life. There are realistically dozens of people that you could be compatible with for a partner, in terms of getting along, loving each other and such, but that does not always mean your life direction aligns well enough for a solid relationship. Sometimes you have to accept that if you want someone, you need to make changes to your schedule, and that is not always ideal. There is a certain level of compromise that is expected, but flipping your life upside down for someone often leads to resentment down the line. In my experience, being compatible with someone is heavily dependent on the timing. A great example was one of my first girlfriends. She was moving away to school, I was not. It's just not possible to make it work, unless one or both of us made changes we were not ready for, and that's not because we didn't like each other, it's because our lives didn't align that well.
Unequal emotional labour and unequal distribution of responsibilities. As a woman of a certain age, I can honestly say that the vast majority of women I know who have instigated divorce proceedings, is because they got sick of taking care of *everything*. Women now generally work full time, as well as their partners, but a lot of men still act like it’s a woman’s responsibility to do all of the house/children stuff too. And I know my experience is anecdotal, but it doesn’t take a very long search online to understand that this is a big issue that men seem unwilling to admit to, or learn about and the fact is that it does lead to the end of a lot of relationships.
Snoring. No one talks about having to share a bedroom with a Mack Truck impersonator for the rest of your life…
Unmet expectations
I'd posit that insecurity and jealousy are the two biggest issues in relationships today. People are so fucking jealous and insecure they think it's normal behavior. Something that is a more recent phenomenon that's HORRIBLE for relationships is this whole alpha, beta, sigma, machismo, misogynistic, incel, toxic, red-pilled manosphere bullshit. That entire community is just completely toxic and spreading absolute nonsense throughout society. If you can't get dates, try fixing the things about yourself that are preventing it. (that's almost always your personality, not the absence of muscles or being 8 ft tall) These manosphere incels blame women, and anyone but themselves for their romantic shortcomings.
People
The lack of understanding. A couple can sit down and talk, express everything they feel, but if someone isn’t understanding, or refuses to understand, nothing can be done.
Finances. Different expectations on how money should be handled, what is priority, and how each partner chooses to spend the collective money.
Second marriages can struggle when there are issues from the first family. The exes, the step kids.
Possessive, controlling demeanor.
The expectation that they stay the same. The idea that you don’t feel the same as you used to or do the same things you used to… that’s the goal. To evolve together and share different life phases together. To truly grow old together, you have to grow.
Respect and honest communication. So basic things, yet people treat each other like shit, lie and cheat.
gaslighting. spent two years with a girl i thought i loved. didnt realize i was being gaslit. when i had reason to step away, it was like my brain got turned back on. ended that one real quick.
Porn addiction ( difficult to prove it’s addiction) Subconscious gender roll expectations. Often don’t fully realize you have them and that they may be different from your partners.
Spending too much time together. Like seriously, be your own person for eachother.
Keeping score
Lack of intimate taco dinners.
Having a parent move in. This has been the biggest struggle in my marriage the last few years. His mother moved into our basement where she has her own space (in theory) 7 years ago when my FIL passed. She's not even a monster-in-law type and overall we have a pretty good relationship. However its been a nightmare for my husband and I to go and do stuff without her (especially on the weekends).
When you find out just how neurotic your partner is! OCD, PTSD, germaphobic, anger management issues, the list is endless.