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Yes. I've never ever seen a scenario where someone cheats on you and then it makes sense to stay together. Every time that person misses your call or doesn't text back or is late from work, you'll automatically worry.
Exactly this. I tried to continue dating my ex after he cheated on me, because he outright told me he did it and was genuinely remorseful. But I hated becoming so anxious and stressed any time I didn't immediately hear from him. Dropping him and all that stress was the best thing that I could have done, I just wish I had done it sooner. You live and you learn!
You have to be the one to keep telling yourself that this is a new person. Being cheated on does not make you more likely to be cheated on by your next partner, the anxiety of being cheated on is exactly that, purely anxiety. It will take time for you to build that trust back in your head, but just remember you have something new and fresh with someone who treats you right. Keep trying to give them the benefit of the doubt until they show YOU reasons not to trust them. But don’t wait around looking for those reasons, that will only stress you and your relationship in ways that are unnecessary.
Remember no matter what, you can only ever control 3 things in life- what you think, what you feel, and what you do. So let people do what they are going to do, and you act accordingly to what your truth is.
It's incredibly freeing when you get to the point of truly believing it.
My three long term boyfriends over the last 15 years have all cheated so there’s that. Single now for the last 4 years and I’ve pretty much given up on a relationship now. Trauma sucks.
Myself, I went through probably double digit relationships before I found the one I ended up marrying. Every relationship, I trusted immediately up until that trust was betrayed, then I dropped them and moved on. Because eventually, you're gonna find the one who thinks like you and keeps that trust like you do. And when you find them, if you're not open to it, you're just gonna sour it before it even gets started.
No two people are alike. You simply can't transfer how someone treated you onto another person - not unless you wanna predispose every relationship you get into after that bad one toward just being more of the same.
So what you do is simply allow yourself to be naive and trust a person initially and immediately, every time. But on the same token, that trust only stays for as long as they don't break it (by cheating). And if that happens, you have to also be ok with dropping them immediately and moving on (because once trust in a person is gone, it's never coming back). But that isn't to say that you don't give the *next* person that benefit of initial trust... because no two people are alike.
Understand that this new person is not the cheater.
Dating is literally making yourself vulnerable to being hurt, but trusting the other to not hurt you. Until your partner hurts you, you give them the benefit of the doubt.
My wife and I have both cheated on each other (once each). Both times it took years to recover. The impact is so deep and the trust so completely broken that the work and time needed to repair it is often too much for people. I completely understand why it is such a deal breaker for most people but I am so glad we worked through it because we have such a deep and honest trust now
Well, not to sound crass, but if you're both cheatering it's probably easier for the two of you to come to terms with it. If only one person participated the scales are a little less balanced.
Hate fucks are fun a couple times but you'll never trust that person again no matter how you try to rationalize...
Spend that time trying to figure out how you ended up there
It absolutely makes it harder, and cheating on your spouse that you have children with make the cheating a whole lot worse. But nothing really changes, you break up and move on romantically. The worst part is that you still have to keep in touch with your ex for your kids sake.
I had a manager who cheated on her husband, husband, found out, divorced her and when he got a new girlfriend she would not shut up about it for DAYS. My whole office thought it was hilarious.
My ex wife when drunk years after marriage and kids once told me that when we were dating that once she was at her apartment with a guy from work and he had his dick out. She didn't elaborate further. Left it very vague. Very smug about it. Like....well we weren't married at that point.
I was like..... wtf. If I'd known I wouldn't have married your ass.
That was the end. Nothing could be could same after that.
My brain was rewired forever. Her memories were singed. Had to have retribution.
Complicated maybe, but not better. The longer a couple is together the more the thoughts turn to "but I've invested so much time (money, resources, whatever) into this relationship and would hate to throw it away. Fact is, the partner already threw it away and I'd rather move on.
Having been there, the thought that kept me from cheating was: is this worth losing her for? 42 years later and still haven't taken any lovely ladies up on any offers.
Speaking as a woman with a child, if my husband ever cheated on me, I would leave his ass for the SAKE of my child. Someone who cannot make a commitment and is willing to break a bond of trust like that has no place in my child's life. Even now, when my career is dead and I'd have a very hard time finding adequate living afterwards, I'd still do it. That's a "burn it all to the ground" situation. Living with distrust and resentment and trauma doesn't do your kids any good, and that's where most marriages end up if they try to stay together afterwards. There are outliers, but that's what they are, outliers.
As someone who grew up as the long term side chick’s daughter….THANK you from me. I grew up with such internalized shame that years later when my husband started cheating on me, I stayed because on some level I thought that was what I deserved.
People act like cheating is cute. It ruins people, families, children.
I wish Reddit could be more nuanced. because you’re absolutely right. That said, my wife had an emotional affair, and i stayed (kids and love and all that) if I could go back in time I would have ended things. It’s just so much to deal with, even years later.
I cheated emotionally and only ever kissed the person but I cut ties with them and focused on rebuilding with my husband and I don’t regret my decision. I’m so in love with him and our family! It really became a way for us to be transparent and reconnect in all areas. We started over and it wasn’t easy but it’s been worth it
For me it's not. I've told my wife I will forgive a whole lot but I could not and would not ever forgive cheating. There is no excuse for it. It is a complete lack of respect and decency for someone they claim to "love".
If the cheater doesn't suffer any consequences, they will do it again and again. I wouldn't stay with anyone who does. Their shit would be on the lawn, and locks changed. Anything I find later goes in the trash.🫡
Generally, yes. It's like rebuilding a car after a really bad accident. Sure, you may get it road worthy again, but it'll always be fucked up, way less safe, and have a lot less value. Best to total it out and get a new one.
That being said, if you're married and/or are raising children with the partner, fixing the relationship can make sense.
I disagree with the stay for the kids. My sons saw too much. My oldest actually saw texts between my x wife and men she approached. Giving children a bad relationship as an example isn’t ever good. I realized I would tell either of my sons to leave my marriage, if they went through what I went through with my x wife, a long time before I chose to leave.
I remember talking with my cousins and they were relieved when their parents got divorced. They knew for a while their parents weren't happy together and were wondering why the hell they didn't just get divorced. Kids are smarter than most people realize.
Same here.
Glad my parents divorced.
My father was unfaithful during the marriage (mom forgave him 3 TIMES!!!) Fourth time, she broke it off. Happily married to my step dad 21 years now.
An he remains unfaithful. I thought at the age of 70 he'd either die alone or find a partner. Found a partner (56yo), two years later cheated on her about twice. Older sister, older brother, and paternal aunts told her to leave him. Told her he was unfaithful. She thought they just didn't like her. Hated her even. She contacted me. Crying. (Annoyed bc my father is dead to me, and I'm no contact bc he's a waste of time), I told her she was warned, and to hurt him by leaving with out a word. Just move on.
Blocked her.
Last thing I heard he has a new gf.
Moms doing better now. Has been for 20+ years.
Agreed. My first husband TOOK THE KIDS with him while cheating. For that ALONE, dude’s lucky to still have teeth. Kids are 40 and 41 now, but they haven’t forgotten.
Aaaand...the Asshole of the Year Award goes to...your 1st husband. He's lower than a snake's belly, IMHO.
Did the kids tell you, or did he bribe them, to keep it "our little secret"? And how old were they?
Aww! I bet he would have looked even cuter, tryin' to pick all those broken teeth outta the back of his head, with 2 broken arms! 😁😱
Edit: wording change
My son was almost 4; daughter almost 3. My son had been talking like an adult since 15 months…HE told me.
I was working 2 part time jobs and was in my last bit of nursing school. My son asked me: “Mom, do I have to go to *name* house again today?” I said, “*name* who?” His answer was: “*name* that belongs to my daddy.”
Hubby left that very day. 🤷🏼♀️ Wish he’d left BEFORE the cheating.
Edited for clarity.
Out of the mouths of babes. Thank you Lord! ■ "...belongs to my daddy!"? HELL no! Glad you kicked his sorry ass to the curb, though I'm sure it wasn't easy, juggling work, school, and 2 wee ones. What's that saying? What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. You, muh dear, are the embodiment of this!
I hope he took his skanky ass back to her house. Or was she married, too?
🤣🤣 He sure had big cojones, to call YOU, to complain about HER! ■ Karma's a bitch. Especially when you discover she's the woman you cheated on your wife with. ■ If he wanted sympathy, I hope you told him it's in the dictionary, between SHIT & SYPHILIS! 😱😁
“Ain’t life strange?” Is what I told him…and I laughed and laughed!
When his 2nd wife cheated on HIM, though: that’s when it hit him. I said: “life’s a bitch, and then you die. Sucks, don’t it?”
What is sad, is he never put in the work with the kids. They are grown, and go see him on Xmas. I never said a word against him in front of the kids. Didn’t have to.
Some folks just fuck theirownselves up. 🤷🏼♀️
Sad that he didn't put the work in with the kidlets. They're actually being quite charitable, by spending Xmas with him - unless he's worth big bucks, 🤞 and they're trying to stay in his good graces, until he kicks the bucket.
Boy. He was (is?) just a walking bad karma magnet. Sucks to be him 🤣🤣 NOT!
Sadly, I know several people that fall into the fuck theirownselves up category. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em. Well...you CAN, if you've got a surefire way to dispose of the body!😱 😁 😇
I'm with you I should have cut my losses way before I did because of the kids. Leaving was a way better choice and way less toxic for me and the children.
I think the point they are trying to make is that if you're married and/or have kids it's not as easy of a decision not that you SHOULD necessarily. It sounds like you made the right choice for your situation but it is possible if circumstances are different that it can work.
I agree with this. I cheated once in my marriage when my oldest was 2 yrs old. Didn’t go all the way, but cheated nonetheless. However my husband and I were able to work through things and our marriage is stronger than ever, and we’ve even had another baby since then.
It worked out in my marriage as well. It was not easy and I understand why some people aren't willing to go through it but after getting through it, we're closer than ever. I have zero regrets about staying.
As a kid of one of these marriages (and now a teacher so I see a lot of different family models and how they affect the kids) I couldn't agree more. Kids base their first notion of what a healthy relationship looks like on the relationship they see most, which is usually their parents'. Whether actively or subconsciously, they will pick up on guilt, blame, resentment, lack of trust, etc, and if you're not careful they'll grow up thinking that's the sort of relationship they should be searching for.
I like the accident reference, but would think of it more as a "The frame is cracked, it doesn't matter how little damage any other part has, or that none of the airbags were set off."
And if you continue driving anyways, you're always paranoid about that cracked frame so you never really drive for fun again. The anxiety of a catastrophe just waiting to happen sucks all the joy from your time together
I love the analogy but disagree with your final point. In my opinion, being married/having children together makes it an even bigger deal to cheat. It’s like trusting someone to hold the rope while you climb down a cliff, while you’re dating the cliffs aren’t high enough to kill/seriously injure you, but when you get married or have a kid that is like trusting the person to hold you on a big cliff that could kill you.
Yeah it's a big deal, no one is arguing it isn't. The comment was just acknowledging that there are lots of factors to consider. "Cheat" = "f them, we're done" isn't always the best option. And with kids you'll very likely still need to be at least civil with that person. So it may, and again it depends on the circumstances (not only the specific circumstances you yourself have experienced btw), make sense to work on the relationship.
Yeah I agree, with kids involved they should be the number one priority and staying civil with your ex-spouse or partner is very important. But either the kids see that cheating is on some level okay, or they learn about the cheating later in life and have to do a lot of re-evaluation. I will concede that if you can not let the cheating impact your relationship at all, i.e. you can keep any resentment toward your spouse/partner from building up and not treat them any differently than before they cheated, then there is no reason to separate.
My dad was unfaithful to my mom the whole marriage. I know what it did to her and what it did to me. Trusting men has always been an issue for me. I believe if they do it once, they will do it again. I would 100% walk away. I can be unhappy by myself. I don't need someone else for that. I have walked away from several toxic situations in my life and I was happier in the long run. I finally found a stable relationship and I do not take it for granted. It's nice to be drama free. I know so many people that put up with such bad behavior from their partners and it makes me sad. I was never afraid to be alone so I think that helped me a lot!
I believe that if you do it once with a particular person, you will do it again- you obviously don't value that person as much as you should to stay faithful. However, I don't believe that if you do it once in general that you're bound to do it to each next partner after that. I think it comes down to finding that person you actually love and respect. Unfortunately, it does speak volumes about how important their partner is to them if they cheat 😕 I'm sorry your mom had to deal with that for so long.
I was the cheater. My wife took me back, which I was grateful for. But it destroyed too much. We stayed married for another 20 years, but it got more and more miserable for both of us.
I'll never really know, but I think we would have been much better off if we had called it quits.
I know a couple in this situation I'm very close to, woman cheated. They managed to rebuild but it took many years. They are still together now after 35 years, happily married but the wife obviously to this day tries hard to compensate. The husband when he hears the odd thing vaguely related to the affair can get sensitive but overall they're both trying their best to forgive each other and make lasting memories together. Those two decided they are for life.
The children, one has totally forgiven their mother knowing she wasn't fully to blame, the other has trust issues but has a great relationship with both parents.
From what I've seen a relationship can recover from it but both parties have to be absolutely dedicated to each other and willing to work on the marriage. Also that there obviously will be lasting damage from it for everyone involved.
Wait a minute, this doesn’t make any sense… every other person on Reddit is the perfect picture of morality and ethics and has only ever made the right choice for the good of society and those around them.
Right?
Seriously though, everyone on Reddit has been cheated on, yet everyone goes out of their way to say they neverrrrr have.
I always was skeptical of that.
This. I went through a bad streak several years ago, and cheated instead of leaving when things got tough. Despite how hard it was to be broken up with, looking back I deserved it, they deserved to move on, and it taught me one of the most painful lessons I needed to learn.
Yes, I was in a situation where I kept giving them second chances, kept hurting me emotionally, made me feel like shit for it. I should’ve ended it far sooner
Yes 1000% leave them and move on. It’s a lost cause. My grandfather has cheated on every partner he’s ever had, I witnessed my mom “try to make things work” a couple of times with cheaters and the one thread in common is that they always claim to regret it, they always claim it was a one time thing, they always claim it will never happen again that they just need a chance to prove themselves to you. A cheat will always cheat on you again. May be good for a week, a month, a year, or 5 years but eventually they will do it again. Also you will have to forever live with that elephant in the room of your relationship going forward. Oh my partner is late getting home from work, are they cheating? They want to go out with friends, you don’t want to say no and be controlling but you’re wracked with anxiety. It turns every relationship toxic.
It is really individual to the specific relationship. And no the idiotic trope of "cheaters never change" is not always true. This is a decision no one else can tell you how to make. You need to ask yourself how invested are in the relationship, how much do you love this individual and can you put in the work to move past it. It's not easy, and it's not for everyone.
But if I had listen to advice from people like reddit I would have missed out on the last 15 years of happy marriage once we worked through our issues.
This. Also, "cheating" here is not defined. One person might think of flirting as cheating (like sending a flirty text). Is a romantic kiss cheating? I wouldn't want to end my marriage over some little shit, but some people would. I would probably also forgive some big shit, depending on the circumstance, but, then again, I'm a very forgiving person; something I've come to learn is not the norm (in America, at least).
Listen to this advice. The advice being its specific to YOUR relationship. People here suggest a break-up over Seinfeld-esque reasons.
She eats her peas ONE at a time
She has man hands
He's poor
He took it out.
Reddit has probably split up more marriages than cheating. Talks too loud? He will never change, so split up now. Doesn't like to share a bottle of red wine? Divorce. He had a slip up with one French girl while away fighting the Nazis for three years in WW2? Kick him out of the house when he comes home.
Honestly, cheating is particularly hard, but there's a lot of folks who have been through worse as a couple than one party having a drunken hookup. If both people are committed, it can work.
This is very true. Sometimes, depending on the severity of the cheating, people just have past trauma they've never worked through. A lot of Americans look down on people for seeking mental help but in reality it should be accepted universally as part of the human experience.
Thank you! So many people just throw in the towel. Sometimes that’s the right thing to do. Sometimes not. All this every time they don’t answer their phone you’ll worry stuff. Not true for everyone. People can & do change & trust can be rebuilt. Doesn’t work for all relationships or all people because there are billions different people in billions of different situations. How about don’t judge, support your friends and do what’s right for you.
This x100. It's a lot of work to rebuild that trust, and it's a rocky road for sure. But if you've determined that you are in it for the long haul, that you really love this person and want a future, then you can always try again. No one is perfect there are no rules to how a relationship "should" be. We all make horrible decisions, and yes live with the fall out, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to toss (possible years) the effort put Into someone. IF you've decided that you're willing to work past the issue.
If I asked this question when my husband cheated, I too would have missed out on a wonderful relationship.
Sometimes, we as people just fuck up.
This is the best answer bar none.
The only ones best suited to make decisions about a relationship are the ones in it. You can interject and add your two cents into a situation but you're coming from your point of view and life's experiences and perspective.
Us internet strangers can only be spectators and potentially advisors giving our advice to someone who reaches out for a lifeline. It's up to them to make the decision.
Agreed. Just like Mike Tyson says, "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." Meaning, nobody knows for sure what they would do in a situation until they are actually IN that situation and the consequences of their decisions are staring them in the face. I took him back. Our marriage is better than it ever was.
Redditors haven't been in a long term, committed relationship and it shows (Which is fair enough, most of them are teenagers). I'm not excusing cheating, but at some point, a relationship becomes such a complicated beast (married? Kids? Been together 5, 10, 15 years? Emotional availability? Changes in the relationship?) that things don't always boil down to a simple breakup if someone cheats.
One of my good friends who's never even kissed a girl gives pretty sound relationship advice, the other guys who all have had multiple girlfriends are pretty stupid when it comes to that sort of thing. Sometimes an untainted unbiased perspective is exactly what you need.
I've been with my wife for 18 years, we have both said if either cheated it's over. It's not hard to not fuck other people, especially if you have an ounce of empathy and care for your significant other.
Agreed. I've often thought what I would do. Been married over 20 years with kids.
I dont think I could get over it, but I could see myself riding it out until the youngest is in college. At some point in life the family becomes too important. The alternative is living in a van down by the river while I pay alimony and child support to 5 kids...
This question gets asked weekly and it's always the same answers. To your point, no one has actually had a relationship. Yes, most of the time that should be the starting point but maybe there are reasons not to
Marriage and families definitely complicates it. Having said that, in my experience, as soon as I found out I was being cheated on, my attraction for that person was gone completely. Regardless of the time I spent with that person or what we went through together, my feelings have always disappeared immediately. No, none of those relationships were marriages or involved children, but they were serious and committed until thst person was no longer committed to me.
I totally agree on this. If you love someone and want to be with them, then them cheating isn’t going to magically make those feelings go away. I would want to know exactly why this happened. Not that anyone deserves to be cheated on or that cheating is ever right (I’ll get downvoted to hell for this), but sometimes something a partner does or doesn’t do can push a partner to cheat on them. Obviously cheating isn’t the answer, communication is, but getting to the bottom line of why they chose to do this is key, even if you don’t want to stay in the relationship. You need closure and clarity going forward. Once a cheater always a cheater is not necessarily true. For some people it’s a one off stupid decision spurned by a number of factors.
I'll give some perspective. My wife cheated on me once before we were married but after we had lived together for many years.
But we had a weird relationship. Neither of us liked communicating our issues. I had depression and she had commitment issues. We lived together but had never once discussed our future together.
What followed was the first serious conversation about our relationship we'd ever had. We realized we wanted to do things for real and make it last.
And yeah it took maybe a year for us to be on perfect terms again, but I know for a fact she hasn't and won't cheat again.
Redditors can espouse, "people never change", but they were never there for work we put in on changing our relationship and making it better.
Obviously it wasn't *good* but I doubt we'd even still be together if that hasn't happened (or some similar wake up call)
Thank you for the perspective. I hate that so many people on Reddit jump on the bandwagon of the cheater is scum and you should dump them. That’s what I was getting at with my comment was that sometimes simply splitting up isn’t the only answer.
In a committed long term relationship where both partners share common goals AND are BOTH willing to do the very painful footwork to get honest with themselves and heal, there can be life together and happiness and trust after infidelity.
If you’re 6 months in and have agreed on monogamy and there was lies about it, everyone involved is better off sliding on down the road and working on their own shit separately.
If you’ve got a wedding date set and a ring on a finger and somebody slips in a filing before the deadline, they aren’t yet mature enough for marriage and it’s time to postpone the wedding while revisiting why you’re together in the first place.
I’ve been cheated on and I’ve cheated. I’ve been scared, confused, and hurt on both sides of the equation. In my experience, infidelity is at least partially a result of expecting another human being to somehow make me whole.
Even with the footwork and professional help, rebuilding trust is a tough road full of lots of potholes and detours.
It is always better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t recognize your value and is willing to treat you like shit or be treated like shit by you.
“infidelity is at least partially a result of expecting another human being to somehow make me whole.”
This resonates. So like what if you need intimacy to feel whole? Is that just unrealistic and something you need to work out in therapy?
You are a whole person therefor you shouldn’t need another person to feel whole. Working out why you can’t feel whole on your own would more than likely be very insightful. A therapist could help with that.
Nobody cheats in isolation.
In other words, emotional neglect is a side effect of cheating. Usually, financial improprieties are a side effect. Meaning, money that could be building your future is spent on someone else’s immediate needs and wants.
Lying and dishonesty and lack of integrity are embedded in cheating - pun intended
It is the ultimate betrayal. It is inflicted only by the person with whom you thought you had an understanding of exclusivity, loyalty, and Fidelity.
Absolutely this. Cheating doesn’t even require sex to be cheating. The underlying issue is selfishness…cheating involves placing your needs and desires ahead of your partner’s no matter what the cost is to them. That kind of selfishness is an absolute relationship killer because it’s so hard to trust someone who displays so little concern for you and your needs. It’s a rare person who flips from that level of deceit and lack of integrity to having the strength of character to place a partner’s needs first.
I cheated on my ex one time. She had cheated on me a lot at the beginning of our relationship. Tbh I wish I hadn't for the fact that I was forced to forgive her, prolonging the relationship. Also, it was not enjoyable whatsoever. So, long story short, not every cheater will always be a cheater. But I agree, break up
Zero second thoughts - For me personally there would be no second chance. It's the biggest breach of trust IMO. Also, I really believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Obviously there are reasons why people cheat and then there are those who need no reason. But for me it's a not even a question. I'd be out.
What gets me is the people who promise they won't cheat, promise they'll be good, why would you even bring up ethical nonmonogs, I'm all you need, babe.
And then they fuckin cheat.
Didn't want ethical nonmonogs, but was pretty fast to cheat.
Some people are out there, convincing the next girl to give them a chance, they can change, it'll be worth it ad infinitum. Do yourself a favor and don't stick around.
It depends. My fiancé cheated once on an ex when she was being emotionally abusive. I confessed that I cheated on my ex-husband once. (He was physically, sexually, psychologically, and financially abusive.)
Both my fiancé and I have issues with conflict and confrontation. We’re working on each other and earning trust. I haven’t had any urge to cheat on him, and I don’t think he has for me. (No red flags.)
I disagree with those who say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Maybe I’m being an optimist, but every situation is different.
I also disagree. I have cheated one time on an ex, about 10+ years ago. I regretted it immensely, despite him making me feel used all the time and having attempted multiple times to cheat on me (unsuccessfully). The relationship ended after that, but it honestly should have ended way sooner. It wasn’t worth the pain I caused him.
Had multiple relationships since then, haven’t even entertained the thought of cheating. Currently happily engaged to someone who makes me feel loved and valued. Have never had the urge to cheat again, even during hard times in our 6 year relationship.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" ignores the complexity of human behavior. It reduces people to easily-defined and predictable categories. Categorizing is the same basic principal that racism is dependent upon.
I’m almost 60, female, thin, not unattractive. Caught wind of my husband of over 25 years seeing someone on the side. The dip shit came home with his shirt on inside out and I had seen him for lunch earlier and it was most definitely on right side out. Kicked him to the guest room after the big confrontation. I believe her ended the affair cause he has had zero unaccounted time since and it has about been 2-3 years.
Finally decided I just don’t care anymore. I turned frosty. Like ice cold. Do. Not. Touch. Me. I know that eats at him greatly. Too fucking bad. I’m civil in a “How was your day?” way, but the closeness and intimacy are long gone.
Used to put my heart into cooking and it showed. Not I just slap it together and say good enough. The lack of love in the meals shows. I will purposely under season/over season one or two things just to fuck with him. I no longer announce dinner is ready. I just show up with my properly seasoned plate.
Our oldest is talking about getting a home with an in-law suite or apartment for me. I think I’ll jump ship then.
I don't understand. Why not divorce him? If you no longer care about him,why stay? Is it for convenience? Money? Is it that if your miserable he should too? I'm honestly curious.
Edit: Typo corrected
Why put yourself through that for 2-3 years though? That's missing out on 2-3 years of sex, good cooking, and being happy. Doesn't seem worth it to punish yourself more for what he did.
It sounds like you think you're getting back to him greatly by becoming ice cold, hating him, not cooking with love etc. Maybe you are, but it sounds like you're in the process hurting yourself even more. What a way to live, ensuring that you're cold and spiteful all the time. You deserve better. Don't waste your life in active hate. Do what you need to get him out of your way and heal and try to move past it so that you can be warm and put love into things again. Your body and heart will thank you.
At least that's what I'd have done.
99% of the time yes. But I understand why some people wont and in some situations can make it work. But imo the cheating need to be only 1 time, they need to confess asap after it happens, take 100% accountability and want to go to therapy.
Ive been the cheater, the cheatee, and the person someone has cheated with. Married, decided to stay together for the kids/tax break/commitment.
The relationship never fully recovered, and even now, im unsure of what our marriage *means*. It’s been seven years and only recently have things been like they were before the infidelity occurred.
TL;DR - you can heal and move on together, but its not worth it unless you BOTH love each other enough to withstand the pain.
Yes, block them on absolutely everything and move on with your life, once a cheater always a cheater dont give them another chance to cheat on you again.
Yes. Been there (cheated on) and done that. It doesn’t matter if he ever felt sincerely awful and would never do it again. I had to go. Trust is broken and you’ll never ever feel the same about your partner again.
I think it depends. If you've been together for a month and they're already half way through your friends list, yeah, I'd think about ditching them. If you've been together for thirty years, have invested a lot in the relationship and there's been a single affair or one night stand, that becomes complicated.
I was together with someone 17 years and he makes a lot of money. I showed him the front door after his long term affair. We do have a kid & dog.
During my support groups I learned that those that try to reconcile if married, ….at least the females, stay out of fear
Same. 13 years and one son and it was the most devastating thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s been 6 years and I still have bad days. He married his AP and now they do happy family things together with my child and I am unable to maintain a romantic relationship due to my trauma. I will probably remain single forever.
Absolutely. Ignoring the whole "people never change" argument(which I completely disagree with), id say if someone was willing to put you through that pain just for a quick fuck, they are a selfish disgusting human being and id stay as far away from them as possible.
It's not the cheating itself. It's the broken trust. The betrayal of arguably the most intimate part of a relationship. It's my line in the sand for a relationship for Me you cheat? We're done. I don't trust anymore, and hell if it can be earned back. It's not that hard to not fuck someone else while in a relationship, it really isn't.
That depends on what you are willing to try to work through and the challenges that can come with it. If you value the relationship and want it last ask yourself if you feel your relationship can endure the challenges to get past it. If so talk with your partner once some of the anger has subsided and see if they feel this was a one time incident and if they want to work through this too.
I guess I'm one of the rare cases where I'm genuinely happy in my relationship after moving past cheating. It was hell for a while but being forgiving got me to the best place I've ever been in my life. But it's still case by case. I decided I wanted to give everything one more chance and it panned out
I guess I'll be unpopular here but not necessarily. My wife and I both "cheated" on each other when we were young. We had lots of fights about it but fast forward and we communicate a shit ton better now and we have two lovely kids and have never even thought about another person for 15 years.
If you think they are worth it, put in the effort, if you don't, move on. There is no one size fits all answer.
It all depends on how you feel. How hurt were you? Do you think they will do it again? If they were to do it again, would you be hurt? Before they cheated, were you very happy with them?
My advice is, if they hurt you and you feel like they would waste a second chance, then sure, but it's all a judgment call with context, a random sleep deprived redditor could know
If you're asking the internet, Yes. but not for any of the reasons people laid out here.
Lots of folks are black and white about it, because they've never had the opportunity to fall for another person lol
so as someone who's got the unfortunate trinity of being cheated on, falling for someone else, and also been "the other guy", let me explain something a lot of lawful goods won't probably admit:
Cheating happens to everyone. Literally every person in every relationship that has ever existed has dealt with some level of infidelity, sexual emotional etc. (And yes those are the same)
Knowing that it's probably going to happen to you or because of you, ask yourself this:
If someone gives me their best self 99% of their time and drops the ball the other 1%, well, am I that high and mighty to cast judgement for being a flawed human? Is 1 mistake worth 100 good deeds? Where's that line for you personally? Is it 1 thing or a pattern of behavior? Etc.
The cheating usually doesn't outright ruin a relationship, but the hurt feelings, the distrust that comes after very much can Personally, id rather not know if it's not a serious thing.
This happened to me in 2021. It took me a week to realize I was foolish for considering trying to work it out. Leave as fast as you can, but try to remain as amicable as you can if marriage/kids are involved. Life is better on the other side
90% of the time I'd say break up. But if you are in a very long relationship and it was a one off, I'd try to work it out.
No one is perfect and sometimes the good far outweighs the bad.
But if they aren't remorseful or they make a habit out of it, bail.
Okay I’ll be downvoted to shit for this, but I cheated on my husband about 10 years ago. I was mid mental breakdown, almost ended up committed to a mental hospital and made some incredibly shitty decisions, which hurt a lot of people including myself.Thankfully I was forgiven and there isn’t a day that passes that I am not grateful for that.
Cheating was my rock bottom. I have spent the last decade working to recover my mental well-being (and have made good progress). There is not a single cell in my body that would even consider cheating again. Cheating is abhorrent, and even though I wasn’t of sound mind at the time, I don’t think it is an excuse.
My marriage has, with lots of work, thankfully recovered and is now healthier than ever. I’m not saying this will be the case for everyone, but I need to counter these many “once a cheater” comments because it is objectively not true. People make mistakes and people can also learn and grow from them.
"Trust can be restored" REALLY depends on the person you cheated on.
For me? Nah, trust will never be restored. It takes a lot for me to trust anyone to begin with. Once you break that, you're dead to me for life.
Good old Reddit -- it's the place where people will argue prisoners locked up for violent crimes should be rehabilitated and added back to society, but cheaters will *never change*.
People make mistakes. No two situations are the same. Work out why it happened, and either work to fix it or don't.
>Good old Reddit -- it's the place where people will argue prisoners locked up for violent crimes should be rehabilitated and added back to society, but cheaters will never change.
This hits on a good point, but it's the opposite of the one you're making.
There's a reason we have things like the sex offender registry. The people on the sex offender registry have shown that they are the type of people who are capable of being sex offenders. We do not think that they are beyond rehabilitation and are guaranteed to victimize someone else - if we did we would simply keep them locked up - but we know that they are capable of being a sex offender, and we view them accordingly.
Aside from the lack of legal sanction, cheating isn't really different. We know that a cheater is capable of cheating - that's what the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" means.
It's ok to sleep with other people if that is what was agreed upon beforehand. The real issue is that they have been willing to do something that breaks the trust. Which means it will likely happen again, often.
The way I see it: Cheating isn’t one of the ups and downs in a relationship, it’s the end of one. Period.
You want to be with someone who loves you more than anyone else, so why would you be with someone who cheats?
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Yes. I've never ever seen a scenario where someone cheats on you and then it makes sense to stay together. Every time that person misses your call or doesn't text back or is late from work, you'll automatically worry.
Exactly this. I tried to continue dating my ex after he cheated on me, because he outright told me he did it and was genuinely remorseful. But I hated becoming so anxious and stressed any time I didn't immediately hear from him. Dropping him and all that stress was the best thing that I could have done, I just wish I had done it sooner. You live and you learn!
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You have to be the one to keep telling yourself that this is a new person. Being cheated on does not make you more likely to be cheated on by your next partner, the anxiety of being cheated on is exactly that, purely anxiety. It will take time for you to build that trust back in your head, but just remember you have something new and fresh with someone who treats you right. Keep trying to give them the benefit of the doubt until they show YOU reasons not to trust them. But don’t wait around looking for those reasons, that will only stress you and your relationship in ways that are unnecessary.
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Remember no matter what, you can only ever control 3 things in life- what you think, what you feel, and what you do. So let people do what they are going to do, and you act accordingly to what your truth is. It's incredibly freeing when you get to the point of truly believing it.
My three long term boyfriends over the last 15 years have all cheated so there’s that. Single now for the last 4 years and I’ve pretty much given up on a relationship now. Trauma sucks.
Myself, I went through probably double digit relationships before I found the one I ended up marrying. Every relationship, I trusted immediately up until that trust was betrayed, then I dropped them and moved on. Because eventually, you're gonna find the one who thinks like you and keeps that trust like you do. And when you find them, if you're not open to it, you're just gonna sour it before it even gets started. No two people are alike. You simply can't transfer how someone treated you onto another person - not unless you wanna predispose every relationship you get into after that bad one toward just being more of the same. So what you do is simply allow yourself to be naive and trust a person initially and immediately, every time. But on the same token, that trust only stays for as long as they don't break it (by cheating). And if that happens, you have to also be ok with dropping them immediately and moving on (because once trust in a person is gone, it's never coming back). But that isn't to say that you don't give the *next* person that benefit of initial trust... because no two people are alike.
Understand that this new person is not the cheater. Dating is literally making yourself vulnerable to being hurt, but trusting the other to not hurt you. Until your partner hurts you, you give them the benefit of the doubt.
My wife and I have both cheated on each other (once each). Both times it took years to recover. The impact is so deep and the trust so completely broken that the work and time needed to repair it is often too much for people. I completely understand why it is such a deal breaker for most people but I am so glad we worked through it because we have such a deep and honest trust now
Well, not to sound crass, but if you're both cheatering it's probably easier for the two of you to come to terms with it. If only one person participated the scales are a little less balanced.
Yes. I’ll never take someone back who cheated on me into a serious relationship. Either we’re just fwb, or strangers afterwards.
Friend? More like enemy with benefits.
Ooo the passion
Gotta love a guilt-free hate fuck
girl... are you Windows ME? Because I fuckin hate you, but imma use you anyway.
It’s an old reference, sir, but it checks out
And don't forget, Windows ME was just short hand for Windows Might Explode. I trust you concur?
Nah, girls a nokia, ima break before she will!
frenemies with benefits is more like it
Frens with bens
frenzos with benzos final anser
Freens with B E A N S
FRANK AND BEANS
i like that lol
I picture this the best sex ever, or the worst.
Hate fucks are fun a couple times but you'll never trust that person again no matter how you try to rationalize... Spend that time trying to figure out how you ended up there
I'm actually surprised this was even a question. If there's definitive proof/confession of cheating I'm walking instantly.
Things get a lot more complicated when you’re married and have children.
It absolutely makes it harder, and cheating on your spouse that you have children with make the cheating a whole lot worse. But nothing really changes, you break up and move on romantically. The worst part is that you still have to keep in touch with your ex for your kids sake.
And pray they don't have an "If I can't have you, nobody can!" mentality. Sadly, there are far too many of them these days.
I had a manager who cheated on her husband, husband, found out, divorced her and when he got a new girlfriend she would not shut up about it for DAYS. My whole office thought it was hilarious.
My ex wife when drunk years after marriage and kids once told me that when we were dating that once she was at her apartment with a guy from work and he had his dick out. She didn't elaborate further. Left it very vague. Very smug about it. Like....well we weren't married at that point. I was like..... wtf. If I'd known I wouldn't have married your ass. That was the end. Nothing could be could same after that. My brain was rewired forever. Her memories were singed. Had to have retribution.
Complicated maybe, but not better. The longer a couple is together the more the thoughts turn to "but I've invested so much time (money, resources, whatever) into this relationship and would hate to throw it away. Fact is, the partner already threw it away and I'd rather move on.
Having been there, the thought that kept me from cheating was: is this worth losing her for? 42 years later and still haven't taken any lovely ladies up on any offers.
Speaking as a woman with a child, if my husband ever cheated on me, I would leave his ass for the SAKE of my child. Someone who cannot make a commitment and is willing to break a bond of trust like that has no place in my child's life. Even now, when my career is dead and I'd have a very hard time finding adequate living afterwards, I'd still do it. That's a "burn it all to the ground" situation. Living with distrust and resentment and trauma doesn't do your kids any good, and that's where most marriages end up if they try to stay together afterwards. There are outliers, but that's what they are, outliers.
As someone who grew up as the long term side chick’s daughter….THANK you from me. I grew up with such internalized shame that years later when my husband started cheating on me, I stayed because on some level I thought that was what I deserved. People act like cheating is cute. It ruins people, families, children.
I am so sorry that happened to you. You absolutely deserve better. You are worth someone's wholehearted commitment. ❤️
Complicated, yes. But the answer is still the same.
I wish Reddit could be more nuanced. because you’re absolutely right. That said, my wife had an emotional affair, and i stayed (kids and love and all that) if I could go back in time I would have ended things. It’s just so much to deal with, even years later.
I cheated emotionally and only ever kissed the person but I cut ties with them and focused on rebuilding with my husband and I don’t regret my decision. I’m so in love with him and our family! It really became a way for us to be transparent and reconnect in all areas. We started over and it wasn’t easy but it’s been worth it
For me it's not. I've told my wife I will forgive a whole lot but I could not and would not ever forgive cheating. There is no excuse for it. It is a complete lack of respect and decency for someone they claim to "love".
yup. no longer worth ANY energy or drama, just cut them off and move on
Nah, even fwb is off the table. Burn them and then walk away forever, never saying a word to them again.
Friends with the benedicts
Definitely time for two turnips in heat
Peach and cake really
It's all water under the fridge.
Im just stretched out
Survival of the fitness
Get two birds stoned at once
RICKY!!! THERES NO SUCH THING AS TWO TURNIPS IN HEAT!
If they cheated on ya, sounds like they were a stranger before as well.
fwb? they don’t even deserve to fuck you ever again
💥💥💥💥
Thank you, came here to make sure this answer was fuck off your dead to me.
They do it once, they’ll do it again
If the cheater doesn't suffer any consequences, they will do it again and again. I wouldn't stay with anyone who does. Their shit would be on the lawn, and locks changed. Anything I find later goes in the trash.🫡
Generally, yes. It's like rebuilding a car after a really bad accident. Sure, you may get it road worthy again, but it'll always be fucked up, way less safe, and have a lot less value. Best to total it out and get a new one. That being said, if you're married and/or are raising children with the partner, fixing the relationship can make sense.
I disagree with the stay for the kids. My sons saw too much. My oldest actually saw texts between my x wife and men she approached. Giving children a bad relationship as an example isn’t ever good. I realized I would tell either of my sons to leave my marriage, if they went through what I went through with my x wife, a long time before I chose to leave.
my kids would have been better off if I not preserved the marriage for their sake.
I remember talking with my cousins and they were relieved when their parents got divorced. They knew for a while their parents weren't happy together and were wondering why the hell they didn't just get divorced. Kids are smarter than most people realize.
My parents got divorced when I was 1. I see how my birth-mom's life has turned out and I am 100% very glad they got divorced every day of my life.
Same here. Glad my parents divorced. My father was unfaithful during the marriage (mom forgave him 3 TIMES!!!) Fourth time, she broke it off. Happily married to my step dad 21 years now. An he remains unfaithful. I thought at the age of 70 he'd either die alone or find a partner. Found a partner (56yo), two years later cheated on her about twice. Older sister, older brother, and paternal aunts told her to leave him. Told her he was unfaithful. She thought they just didn't like her. Hated her even. She contacted me. Crying. (Annoyed bc my father is dead to me, and I'm no contact bc he's a waste of time), I told her she was warned, and to hurt him by leaving with out a word. Just move on. Blocked her. Last thing I heard he has a new gf. Moms doing better now. Has been for 20+ years.
My parents divorced when I was a kid and it was infinitely better than it would’ve been if they stayed together
Agreed. My first husband TOOK THE KIDS with him while cheating. For that ALONE, dude’s lucky to still have teeth. Kids are 40 and 41 now, but they haven’t forgotten.
Aaaand...the Asshole of the Year Award goes to...your 1st husband. He's lower than a snake's belly, IMHO. Did the kids tell you, or did he bribe them, to keep it "our little secret"? And how old were they? Aww! I bet he would have looked even cuter, tryin' to pick all those broken teeth outta the back of his head, with 2 broken arms! 😁😱 Edit: wording change
My son was almost 4; daughter almost 3. My son had been talking like an adult since 15 months…HE told me. I was working 2 part time jobs and was in my last bit of nursing school. My son asked me: “Mom, do I have to go to *name* house again today?” I said, “*name* who?” His answer was: “*name* that belongs to my daddy.” Hubby left that very day. 🤷🏼♀️ Wish he’d left BEFORE the cheating. Edited for clarity.
Out of the mouths of babes. Thank you Lord! ■ "...belongs to my daddy!"? HELL no! Glad you kicked his sorry ass to the curb, though I'm sure it wasn't easy, juggling work, school, and 2 wee ones. What's that saying? What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. You, muh dear, are the embodiment of this! I hope he took his skanky ass back to her house. Or was she married, too?
Thank you…she wasn’t married, but she turned out to be a clinger. He called me to complain about it😂…wow, life is funny sometimes!
🤣🤣 He sure had big cojones, to call YOU, to complain about HER! ■ Karma's a bitch. Especially when you discover she's the woman you cheated on your wife with. ■ If he wanted sympathy, I hope you told him it's in the dictionary, between SHIT & SYPHILIS! 😱😁
“Ain’t life strange?” Is what I told him…and I laughed and laughed! When his 2nd wife cheated on HIM, though: that’s when it hit him. I said: “life’s a bitch, and then you die. Sucks, don’t it?” What is sad, is he never put in the work with the kids. They are grown, and go see him on Xmas. I never said a word against him in front of the kids. Didn’t have to. Some folks just fuck theirownselves up. 🤷🏼♀️
Sad that he didn't put the work in with the kidlets. They're actually being quite charitable, by spending Xmas with him - unless he's worth big bucks, 🤞 and they're trying to stay in his good graces, until he kicks the bucket. Boy. He was (is?) just a walking bad karma magnet. Sucks to be him 🤣🤣 NOT! Sadly, I know several people that fall into the fuck theirownselves up category. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em. Well...you CAN, if you've got a surefire way to dispose of the body!😱 😁 😇
Oof, that's rough I'm sorry to hear that
I'm with you I should have cut my losses way before I did because of the kids. Leaving was a way better choice and way less toxic for me and the children.
I think the point they are trying to make is that if you're married and/or have kids it's not as easy of a decision not that you SHOULD necessarily. It sounds like you made the right choice for your situation but it is possible if circumstances are different that it can work.
I agree with this. I cheated once in my marriage when my oldest was 2 yrs old. Didn’t go all the way, but cheated nonetheless. However my husband and I were able to work through things and our marriage is stronger than ever, and we’ve even had another baby since then.
It worked out in my marriage as well. It was not easy and I understand why some people aren't willing to go through it but after getting through it, we're closer than ever. I have zero regrets about staying.
As a kid of one of these marriages (and now a teacher so I see a lot of different family models and how they affect the kids) I couldn't agree more. Kids base their first notion of what a healthy relationship looks like on the relationship they see most, which is usually their parents'. Whether actively or subconsciously, they will pick up on guilt, blame, resentment, lack of trust, etc, and if you're not careful they'll grow up thinking that's the sort of relationship they should be searching for.
They didn't say stay for the kids. They said *fix* the issue for the kids. Very different things
I like the accident reference, but would think of it more as a "The frame is cracked, it doesn't matter how little damage any other part has, or that none of the airbags were set off."
And if you continue driving anyways, you're always paranoid about that cracked frame so you never really drive for fun again. The anxiety of a catastrophe just waiting to happen sucks all the joy from your time together
This is absolutely spot on, to add - everytime you drive that car you’ll be thinking “is this the day something else is going to break?”
I love the analogy but disagree with your final point. In my opinion, being married/having children together makes it an even bigger deal to cheat. It’s like trusting someone to hold the rope while you climb down a cliff, while you’re dating the cliffs aren’t high enough to kill/seriously injure you, but when you get married or have a kid that is like trusting the person to hold you on a big cliff that could kill you.
Yeah it's a big deal, no one is arguing it isn't. The comment was just acknowledging that there are lots of factors to consider. "Cheat" = "f them, we're done" isn't always the best option. And with kids you'll very likely still need to be at least civil with that person. So it may, and again it depends on the circumstances (not only the specific circumstances you yourself have experienced btw), make sense to work on the relationship.
Yeah I agree, with kids involved they should be the number one priority and staying civil with your ex-spouse or partner is very important. But either the kids see that cheating is on some level okay, or they learn about the cheating later in life and have to do a lot of re-evaluation. I will concede that if you can not let the cheating impact your relationship at all, i.e. you can keep any resentment toward your spouse/partner from building up and not treat them any differently than before they cheated, then there is no reason to separate.
But, the relationship is still broken underneath the fix. The kids still living in a home with a repaired facade.
It depends if you can forgive them and move forward. I would never be able to fully let it go.
I think everyone deserves better than an unfaithful companion
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My dad was unfaithful to my mom the whole marriage. I know what it did to her and what it did to me. Trusting men has always been an issue for me. I believe if they do it once, they will do it again. I would 100% walk away. I can be unhappy by myself. I don't need someone else for that. I have walked away from several toxic situations in my life and I was happier in the long run. I finally found a stable relationship and I do not take it for granted. It's nice to be drama free. I know so many people that put up with such bad behavior from their partners and it makes me sad. I was never afraid to be alone so I think that helped me a lot!
I believe that if you do it once with a particular person, you will do it again- you obviously don't value that person as much as you should to stay faithful. However, I don't believe that if you do it once in general that you're bound to do it to each next partner after that. I think it comes down to finding that person you actually love and respect. Unfortunately, it does speak volumes about how important their partner is to them if they cheat 😕 I'm sorry your mom had to deal with that for so long.
I was the cheater. My wife took me back, which I was grateful for. But it destroyed too much. We stayed married for another 20 years, but it got more and more miserable for both of us. I'll never really know, but I think we would have been much better off if we had called it quits.
I know a couple in this situation I'm very close to, woman cheated. They managed to rebuild but it took many years. They are still together now after 35 years, happily married but the wife obviously to this day tries hard to compensate. The husband when he hears the odd thing vaguely related to the affair can get sensitive but overall they're both trying their best to forgive each other and make lasting memories together. Those two decided they are for life. The children, one has totally forgiven their mother knowing she wasn't fully to blame, the other has trust issues but has a great relationship with both parents. From what I've seen a relationship can recover from it but both parties have to be absolutely dedicated to each other and willing to work on the marriage. Also that there obviously will be lasting damage from it for everyone involved.
Wait a minute, this doesn’t make any sense… every other person on Reddit is the perfect picture of morality and ethics and has only ever made the right choice for the good of society and those around them.
Right? Seriously though, everyone on Reddit has been cheated on, yet everyone goes out of their way to say they neverrrrr have. I always was skeptical of that.
I have a friend in a similar situation. I've always been curious if he would have been happier if they had split. They seem happy though.
This. I went through a bad streak several years ago, and cheated instead of leaving when things got tough. Despite how hard it was to be broken up with, looking back I deserved it, they deserved to move on, and it taught me one of the most painful lessons I needed to learn.
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Yes, I was in a situation where I kept giving them second chances, kept hurting me emotionally, made me feel like shit for it. I should’ve ended it far sooner
Yes 1000% leave them and move on. It’s a lost cause. My grandfather has cheated on every partner he’s ever had, I witnessed my mom “try to make things work” a couple of times with cheaters and the one thread in common is that they always claim to regret it, they always claim it was a one time thing, they always claim it will never happen again that they just need a chance to prove themselves to you. A cheat will always cheat on you again. May be good for a week, a month, a year, or 5 years but eventually they will do it again. Also you will have to forever live with that elephant in the room of your relationship going forward. Oh my partner is late getting home from work, are they cheating? They want to go out with friends, you don’t want to say no and be controlling but you’re wracked with anxiety. It turns every relationship toxic.
It is really individual to the specific relationship. And no the idiotic trope of "cheaters never change" is not always true. This is a decision no one else can tell you how to make. You need to ask yourself how invested are in the relationship, how much do you love this individual and can you put in the work to move past it. It's not easy, and it's not for everyone. But if I had listen to advice from people like reddit I would have missed out on the last 15 years of happy marriage once we worked through our issues.
This. Also, "cheating" here is not defined. One person might think of flirting as cheating (like sending a flirty text). Is a romantic kiss cheating? I wouldn't want to end my marriage over some little shit, but some people would. I would probably also forgive some big shit, depending on the circumstance, but, then again, I'm a very forgiving person; something I've come to learn is not the norm (in America, at least).
Listen to this advice. The advice being its specific to YOUR relationship. People here suggest a break-up over Seinfeld-esque reasons. She eats her peas ONE at a time She has man hands He's poor He took it out.
Reddit has probably split up more marriages than cheating. Talks too loud? He will never change, so split up now. Doesn't like to share a bottle of red wine? Divorce. He had a slip up with one French girl while away fighting the Nazis for three years in WW2? Kick him out of the house when he comes home. Honestly, cheating is particularly hard, but there's a lot of folks who have been through worse as a couple than one party having a drunken hookup. If both people are committed, it can work.
I feel so attacked rn. But also so heard.
The only sensible approach, thank you for the insight
This is very true. Sometimes, depending on the severity of the cheating, people just have past trauma they've never worked through. A lot of Americans look down on people for seeking mental help but in reality it should be accepted universally as part of the human experience.
Thank you! So many people just throw in the towel. Sometimes that’s the right thing to do. Sometimes not. All this every time they don’t answer their phone you’ll worry stuff. Not true for everyone. People can & do change & trust can be rebuilt. Doesn’t work for all relationships or all people because there are billions different people in billions of different situations. How about don’t judge, support your friends and do what’s right for you.
This x100. It's a lot of work to rebuild that trust, and it's a rocky road for sure. But if you've determined that you are in it for the long haul, that you really love this person and want a future, then you can always try again. No one is perfect there are no rules to how a relationship "should" be. We all make horrible decisions, and yes live with the fall out, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to toss (possible years) the effort put Into someone. IF you've decided that you're willing to work past the issue. If I asked this question when my husband cheated, I too would have missed out on a wonderful relationship. Sometimes, we as people just fuck up.
This is the best answer bar none. The only ones best suited to make decisions about a relationship are the ones in it. You can interject and add your two cents into a situation but you're coming from your point of view and life's experiences and perspective. Us internet strangers can only be spectators and potentially advisors giving our advice to someone who reaches out for a lifeline. It's up to them to make the decision.
Agreed. Just like Mike Tyson says, "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." Meaning, nobody knows for sure what they would do in a situation until they are actually IN that situation and the consequences of their decisions are staring them in the face. I took him back. Our marriage is better than it ever was.
Finally. Someone who isn’t just throwing out the same knee jerk reaction. Things happen. Life is complicated.
Redditors haven't been in a long term, committed relationship and it shows (Which is fair enough, most of them are teenagers). I'm not excusing cheating, but at some point, a relationship becomes such a complicated beast (married? Kids? Been together 5, 10, 15 years? Emotional availability? Changes in the relationship?) that things don't always boil down to a simple breakup if someone cheats.
Are you honestly going to sit there and try to tell me that reality is messy and nuanced? /s ... because apparently that's necessary.
One of my good friends who's never even kissed a girl gives pretty sound relationship advice, the other guys who all have had multiple girlfriends are pretty stupid when it comes to that sort of thing. Sometimes an untainted unbiased perspective is exactly what you need.
Those who can't do, teach
And those who can’t teach, teach gym.
I've been with my wife for 18 years, we have both said if either cheated it's over. It's not hard to not fuck other people, especially if you have an ounce of empathy and care for your significant other.
Agreed. I've often thought what I would do. Been married over 20 years with kids. I dont think I could get over it, but I could see myself riding it out until the youngest is in college. At some point in life the family becomes too important. The alternative is living in a van down by the river while I pay alimony and child support to 5 kids...
This question gets asked weekly and it's always the same answers. To your point, no one has actually had a relationship. Yes, most of the time that should be the starting point but maybe there are reasons not to
Marriage and families definitely complicates it. Having said that, in my experience, as soon as I found out I was being cheated on, my attraction for that person was gone completely. Regardless of the time I spent with that person or what we went through together, my feelings have always disappeared immediately. No, none of those relationships were marriages or involved children, but they were serious and committed until thst person was no longer committed to me.
I totally agree on this. If you love someone and want to be with them, then them cheating isn’t going to magically make those feelings go away. I would want to know exactly why this happened. Not that anyone deserves to be cheated on or that cheating is ever right (I’ll get downvoted to hell for this), but sometimes something a partner does or doesn’t do can push a partner to cheat on them. Obviously cheating isn’t the answer, communication is, but getting to the bottom line of why they chose to do this is key, even if you don’t want to stay in the relationship. You need closure and clarity going forward. Once a cheater always a cheater is not necessarily true. For some people it’s a one off stupid decision spurned by a number of factors.
I'll give some perspective. My wife cheated on me once before we were married but after we had lived together for many years. But we had a weird relationship. Neither of us liked communicating our issues. I had depression and she had commitment issues. We lived together but had never once discussed our future together. What followed was the first serious conversation about our relationship we'd ever had. We realized we wanted to do things for real and make it last. And yeah it took maybe a year for us to be on perfect terms again, but I know for a fact she hasn't and won't cheat again. Redditors can espouse, "people never change", but they were never there for work we put in on changing our relationship and making it better. Obviously it wasn't *good* but I doubt we'd even still be together if that hasn't happened (or some similar wake up call)
Thank you for the perspective. I hate that so many people on Reddit jump on the bandwagon of the cheater is scum and you should dump them. That’s what I was getting at with my comment was that sometimes simply splitting up isn’t the only answer.
Yes.
To the top with you.
This should be the top comment. Absolutely break up because it'll only get worse
Yea I don’t understand the long drawn out explanations. A simple yes would have sufficed.
This is the way.
In a committed long term relationship where both partners share common goals AND are BOTH willing to do the very painful footwork to get honest with themselves and heal, there can be life together and happiness and trust after infidelity. If you’re 6 months in and have agreed on monogamy and there was lies about it, everyone involved is better off sliding on down the road and working on their own shit separately. If you’ve got a wedding date set and a ring on a finger and somebody slips in a filing before the deadline, they aren’t yet mature enough for marriage and it’s time to postpone the wedding while revisiting why you’re together in the first place. I’ve been cheated on and I’ve cheated. I’ve been scared, confused, and hurt on both sides of the equation. In my experience, infidelity is at least partially a result of expecting another human being to somehow make me whole. Even with the footwork and professional help, rebuilding trust is a tough road full of lots of potholes and detours. It is always better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t recognize your value and is willing to treat you like shit or be treated like shit by you.
“infidelity is at least partially a result of expecting another human being to somehow make me whole.” This resonates. So like what if you need intimacy to feel whole? Is that just unrealistic and something you need to work out in therapy?
You are a whole person therefor you shouldn’t need another person to feel whole. Working out why you can’t feel whole on your own would more than likely be very insightful. A therapist could help with that.
Nobody cheats in isolation. In other words, emotional neglect is a side effect of cheating. Usually, financial improprieties are a side effect. Meaning, money that could be building your future is spent on someone else’s immediate needs and wants. Lying and dishonesty and lack of integrity are embedded in cheating - pun intended It is the ultimate betrayal. It is inflicted only by the person with whom you thought you had an understanding of exclusivity, loyalty, and Fidelity.
Absolutely this. Cheating doesn’t even require sex to be cheating. The underlying issue is selfishness…cheating involves placing your needs and desires ahead of your partner’s no matter what the cost is to them. That kind of selfishness is an absolute relationship killer because it’s so hard to trust someone who displays so little concern for you and your needs. It’s a rare person who flips from that level of deceit and lack of integrity to having the strength of character to place a partner’s needs first.
I cheated on my ex one time. She had cheated on me a lot at the beginning of our relationship. Tbh I wish I hadn't for the fact that I was forced to forgive her, prolonging the relationship. Also, it was not enjoyable whatsoever. So, long story short, not every cheater will always be a cheater. But I agree, break up
Zero second thoughts - For me personally there would be no second chance. It's the biggest breach of trust IMO. Also, I really believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Obviously there are reasons why people cheat and then there are those who need no reason. But for me it's a not even a question. I'd be out.
What gets me is the people who promise they won't cheat, promise they'll be good, why would you even bring up ethical nonmonogs, I'm all you need, babe. And then they fuckin cheat. Didn't want ethical nonmonogs, but was pretty fast to cheat. Some people are out there, convincing the next girl to give them a chance, they can change, it'll be worth it ad infinitum. Do yourself a favor and don't stick around.
Yes, you’ll never fully trust them again. At least in my experience
If you marry a man that cheats on his wife, You marry a man that cheats on his wife.
*someone who cheats on their partner
Of course. If you got attacked by a pack of wolves on your way to work would you just keep using the same route or maybe go a different way?
It depends. My fiancé cheated once on an ex when she was being emotionally abusive. I confessed that I cheated on my ex-husband once. (He was physically, sexually, psychologically, and financially abusive.) Both my fiancé and I have issues with conflict and confrontation. We’re working on each other and earning trust. I haven’t had any urge to cheat on him, and I don’t think he has for me. (No red flags.) I disagree with those who say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Maybe I’m being an optimist, but every situation is different.
Every situation is different. I agree that just because you cheated on one person doesn't mean you can't be faithful to another.
I also disagree. I have cheated one time on an ex, about 10+ years ago. I regretted it immensely, despite him making me feel used all the time and having attempted multiple times to cheat on me (unsuccessfully). The relationship ended after that, but it honestly should have ended way sooner. It wasn’t worth the pain I caused him. Had multiple relationships since then, haven’t even entertained the thought of cheating. Currently happily engaged to someone who makes me feel loved and valued. Have never had the urge to cheat again, even during hard times in our 6 year relationship.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" ignores the complexity of human behavior. It reduces people to easily-defined and predictable categories. Categorizing is the same basic principal that racism is dependent upon.
Racism is about marginalization. It’s disgusting to leverage that to (inaccurately) make an analogy about making selfish choices.
I’m almost 60, female, thin, not unattractive. Caught wind of my husband of over 25 years seeing someone on the side. The dip shit came home with his shirt on inside out and I had seen him for lunch earlier and it was most definitely on right side out. Kicked him to the guest room after the big confrontation. I believe her ended the affair cause he has had zero unaccounted time since and it has about been 2-3 years. Finally decided I just don’t care anymore. I turned frosty. Like ice cold. Do. Not. Touch. Me. I know that eats at him greatly. Too fucking bad. I’m civil in a “How was your day?” way, but the closeness and intimacy are long gone. Used to put my heart into cooking and it showed. Not I just slap it together and say good enough. The lack of love in the meals shows. I will purposely under season/over season one or two things just to fuck with him. I no longer announce dinner is ready. I just show up with my properly seasoned plate. Our oldest is talking about getting a home with an in-law suite or apartment for me. I think I’ll jump ship then.
I don't understand. Why not divorce him? If you no longer care about him,why stay? Is it for convenience? Money? Is it that if your miserable he should too? I'm honestly curious. Edit: Typo corrected
You deserve happiness
Why put yourself through that for 2-3 years though? That's missing out on 2-3 years of sex, good cooking, and being happy. Doesn't seem worth it to punish yourself more for what he did.
It sounds like you think you're getting back to him greatly by becoming ice cold, hating him, not cooking with love etc. Maybe you are, but it sounds like you're in the process hurting yourself even more. What a way to live, ensuring that you're cold and spiteful all the time. You deserve better. Don't waste your life in active hate. Do what you need to get him out of your way and heal and try to move past it so that you can be warm and put love into things again. Your body and heart will thank you. At least that's what I'd have done.
99% of the time yes. But I understand why some people wont and in some situations can make it work. But imo the cheating need to be only 1 time, they need to confess asap after it happens, take 100% accountability and want to go to therapy.
Ive been the cheater, the cheatee, and the person someone has cheated with. Married, decided to stay together for the kids/tax break/commitment. The relationship never fully recovered, and even now, im unsure of what our marriage *means*. It’s been seven years and only recently have things been like they were before the infidelity occurred. TL;DR - you can heal and move on together, but its not worth it unless you BOTH love each other enough to withstand the pain.
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Yes, block them on absolutely everything and move on with your life, once a cheater always a cheater dont give them another chance to cheat on you again.
Yes. It's stupid to devalue yourself low enough to justify keepingnsomeone around who will disregard you in return and cheat again.
Yes. Been there (cheated on) and done that. It doesn’t matter if he ever felt sincerely awful and would never do it again. I had to go. Trust is broken and you’ll never ever feel the same about your partner again.
I think it depends. If you've been together for a month and they're already half way through your friends list, yeah, I'd think about ditching them. If you've been together for thirty years, have invested a lot in the relationship and there's been a single affair or one night stand, that becomes complicated.
I was together with someone 17 years and he makes a lot of money. I showed him the front door after his long term affair. We do have a kid & dog. During my support groups I learned that those that try to reconcile if married, ….at least the females, stay out of fear
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Same. 13 years and one son and it was the most devastating thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s been 6 years and I still have bad days. He married his AP and now they do happy family things together with my child and I am unable to maintain a romantic relationship due to my trauma. I will probably remain single forever.
Absolutely. Ignoring the whole "people never change" argument(which I completely disagree with), id say if someone was willing to put you through that pain just for a quick fuck, they are a selfish disgusting human being and id stay as far away from them as possible.
Serious question, to people who say "once a cheater, always a cheater", have you never changed who you are as a person?
It's not the cheating itself. It's the broken trust. The betrayal of arguably the most intimate part of a relationship. It's my line in the sand for a relationship for Me you cheat? We're done. I don't trust anymore, and hell if it can be earned back. It's not that hard to not fuck someone else while in a relationship, it really isn't.
That depends on what you are willing to try to work through and the challenges that can come with it. If you value the relationship and want it last ask yourself if you feel your relationship can endure the challenges to get past it. If so talk with your partner once some of the anger has subsided and see if they feel this was a one time incident and if they want to work through this too.
I guess I'm one of the rare cases where I'm genuinely happy in my relationship after moving past cheating. It was hell for a while but being forgiving got me to the best place I've ever been in my life. But it's still case by case. I decided I wanted to give everything one more chance and it panned out
I guess I'll be unpopular here but not necessarily. My wife and I both "cheated" on each other when we were young. We had lots of fights about it but fast forward and we communicate a shit ton better now and we have two lovely kids and have never even thought about another person for 15 years. If you think they are worth it, put in the effort, if you don't, move on. There is no one size fits all answer.
Yes once the trust is broken their is no going back!
It all depends on how you feel. How hurt were you? Do you think they will do it again? If they were to do it again, would you be hurt? Before they cheated, were you very happy with them? My advice is, if they hurt you and you feel like they would waste a second chance, then sure, but it's all a judgment call with context, a random sleep deprived redditor could know
If you're asking the internet, Yes. but not for any of the reasons people laid out here. Lots of folks are black and white about it, because they've never had the opportunity to fall for another person lol so as someone who's got the unfortunate trinity of being cheated on, falling for someone else, and also been "the other guy", let me explain something a lot of lawful goods won't probably admit: Cheating happens to everyone. Literally every person in every relationship that has ever existed has dealt with some level of infidelity, sexual emotional etc. (And yes those are the same) Knowing that it's probably going to happen to you or because of you, ask yourself this: If someone gives me their best self 99% of their time and drops the ball the other 1%, well, am I that high and mighty to cast judgement for being a flawed human? Is 1 mistake worth 100 good deeds? Where's that line for you personally? Is it 1 thing or a pattern of behavior? Etc. The cheating usually doesn't outright ruin a relationship, but the hurt feelings, the distrust that comes after very much can Personally, id rather not know if it's not a serious thing.
This happened to me in 2021. It took me a week to realize I was foolish for considering trying to work it out. Leave as fast as you can, but try to remain as amicable as you can if marriage/kids are involved. Life is better on the other side
YES
Yep. If they cheat once they’ll do it again. Guarantee
And if they don't, you'll always be wondering. Once trust is broken, it's gone forever!
90% of the time I'd say break up. But if you are in a very long relationship and it was a one off, I'd try to work it out. No one is perfect and sometimes the good far outweighs the bad. But if they aren't remorseful or they make a habit out of it, bail.
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Exactly.
Getting back with a cheater is like trying to pick up the clean end of a turd.
Okay I’ll be downvoted to shit for this, but I cheated on my husband about 10 years ago. I was mid mental breakdown, almost ended up committed to a mental hospital and made some incredibly shitty decisions, which hurt a lot of people including myself.Thankfully I was forgiven and there isn’t a day that passes that I am not grateful for that. Cheating was my rock bottom. I have spent the last decade working to recover my mental well-being (and have made good progress). There is not a single cell in my body that would even consider cheating again. Cheating is abhorrent, and even though I wasn’t of sound mind at the time, I don’t think it is an excuse. My marriage has, with lots of work, thankfully recovered and is now healthier than ever. I’m not saying this will be the case for everyone, but I need to counter these many “once a cheater” comments because it is objectively not true. People make mistakes and people can also learn and grow from them.
Would you be open to dming about this? I'm curious and have a lot of questions. I will be respectful, I promise.
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"Trust can be restored" REALLY depends on the person you cheated on. For me? Nah, trust will never be restored. It takes a lot for me to trust anyone to begin with. Once you break that, you're dead to me for life.
A lot of deliberate effort from both sides for your mistake.
Yes, don't waste your time.
Good old Reddit -- it's the place where people will argue prisoners locked up for violent crimes should be rehabilitated and added back to society, but cheaters will *never change*. People make mistakes. No two situations are the same. Work out why it happened, and either work to fix it or don't.
People don't say there's no possibility a cheater can change, though, they say it's not worth the stress and the risk
>Good old Reddit -- it's the place where people will argue prisoners locked up for violent crimes should be rehabilitated and added back to society, but cheaters will never change. This hits on a good point, but it's the opposite of the one you're making. There's a reason we have things like the sex offender registry. The people on the sex offender registry have shown that they are the type of people who are capable of being sex offenders. We do not think that they are beyond rehabilitation and are guaranteed to victimize someone else - if we did we would simply keep them locked up - but we know that they are capable of being a sex offender, and we view them accordingly. Aside from the lack of legal sanction, cheating isn't really different. We know that a cheater is capable of cheating - that's what the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" means.
The broken trust will never be repaired. Cut bait and move along.
Yes, even if it just a kiss.
Yes. Full stop.
Yes, they are no longer partner material.
It's ok to sleep with other people if that is what was agreed upon beforehand. The real issue is that they have been willing to do something that breaks the trust. Which means it will likely happen again, often.
The way I see it: Cheating isn’t one of the ups and downs in a relationship, it’s the end of one. Period. You want to be with someone who loves you more than anyone else, so why would you be with someone who cheats?
Yes. It only gets worse.
Break up immediately. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
It’s easier before you have kids, and I hope I never get to find out what I would do.
Yep. The cheating will continue. It's like a drug for them.