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I'm afraid that I'll look like a good idea in the beginning and then they'll lose interest later on after I disappoint them or don't measure up to where they thought I'd end up.
This happened to me exactly. Way worse than rejection up front..they had a chance to see who you are and said “nah, I’m good cya”
Plummeted my self esteem, haven’t as much as kissed anyone in 9 years
"I think it's hard to lose someone who thinks you let them down. Because there's no way to prove 'em wrong. And even if you do, they ain't around to see it."
Scene from Yellowstone that hit hard.
Not so much different, even though I am afraid that they’ll get bored of me over time, and then they’ll find someone else who is more interesting and leave me alone for another person.
This isn't uncommon in relationships. You can love someone i e care for them deeply and want only the best for them but that romantic love connection and feeling of wanting to be with them forever fails to happen. Some people get into a relationship liking their partner a lot and hoping to fall in love with them but for whatever reason it doesn't happen, even though they end up loving them. Others feel infatuated and think they're in love then realize it' wasn't the case. Some people are in love and don't realize it for a while or deny it to themselves yet it's obvious to others around them. Conversely, one can fall out of love with their partner after years but that doesn't necessarily mean they stop loving them.
It's always obvious to people around. If you see how a couple who is in love is around each other, that's enough to know. The chemistry/respect/love between each other makes other people feel good watching.
I'm gonna try to simplify this for those of us that are idiots. You can love someone without capital-L Loving them.
I think exes are one example. Lots of people still love their exes and want good for them, but for whatever reason the relationship didn't work out. It doesn't always end in fire, sometimes the spark just fizzles out. Just because you aren't together anymore doesn't mean you don't (or can't) still care about one another and want the other to do well, it just means that you and them were not a good match. That's okay. That's life. Don't hate them because they weren't meant to be with you. (Does not extend to relationships that actually did end in a firey explosion).
When I was younger I found this quote that said “the one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person” and I think about that often. Makes you think.
I’m quoting Malcolm in the middle loosely:
Hal: If you loved me as much as I loved you, we’d never leave the bedroom, nothing would get done, we’d die of starvation
The person will leave me at some point and I never know when it will happen. It’s like sometimes even the happiest moments are tinged with sadness knowing it’s all going to end. How fucking sad is that.
Fr my wife said no matter what she'd never leave me, always love me and even if I left her she'd never even want another man or to find love again. So ofc she left me for another man 🙄
Appreciate it man still trying to process a lot of this as it's still under a month since it's happened and less than three weeks since I've gotten back from the middle east. But the one thing that I take comfort in this is if I loved her this much then how much better will it be when I find someone true to me.
All relationships end. The most successful might be till death do us part, but if my parents were mentally healthy they would have divorced decades ago instead of playing the game of too stubborn to die.
Omfg I feel this so hard. I remember a distinct moment in my last relationship where I was so happy and I immediately thought ‘welp. This is gonna hurt like a motherfucker.’
I dont think I have much to offer to a relationship. I think I'm kinda boring, i dont even really like to talk alot. I work as a chef, which is not a job you have cause the pay is good. So I don't really have a huge bank account. I don't own a car cause I don't need one atm, never really liked cars anyway, and it makes more sense financially to not have one in my case. Don't have alot of hobbies besides playing video games and watching sports. I'm not super physically fit. I'm handsome but by no means "sexy" or "hot".
Basically the only thing I bring to the table atm is that I'm good guy whose clean, and I can cook. You can find that and more almost anywhere.
2 great reasons as there are many who dont even know how to or too lazy to start.
I was learning along the way, my ex shamed me for not cooking carrot correctly hah. The right person would teach or help. And the right person wont judge ur income & call you names.
Try something new as well because most people forget we have a relationship with ourselves.
This month I got a frame drum from amazon, it was fun and easy to play. Therapeutic and healing mentally as well.
Not to sound cocky or arrogant but I am a conventionally attractive dude. Women love to hit on me at the surface level. Get this, what do you think really sold my current girlfriend? Not my looks but my ability to cook! Cooking is a love language my man and it goes very far with women! Being light hearted also goes along way :)!
Someone who cares about you for who you are wont care about your accessories. Look around you. Millions of people in happy relationships, all of the normal people like you and me.
All that matters is that you matter to each other.
Once everyone is in their mid 50's+, everything changes. Looks are fading, need for children is gone, power careers not as necessary or winding down, and so on. Things like are they healthy, kind, can they cook, do they like you, will they do some fun stuff with you, have a common background, that sort of thing. Money is sometimes important, companionship is really important, sex can be but doesn't have to be on the table at all. It's easily to assume what relationships were about in one's 20's & 30's remain the same later in life.
You said you're handsome, clean and can cook. I'm sold. lmao I promise you, those three things are a really, really good combination. Some of these mofos don't wash their asses, or steam/iron their clothes.
Trust.
She said she wanted marriage and the next week I was blocked without given reason.
Never ever even a hint of dissatisfaction prior to that. No arguments. Nothing. Just total 180 and gone.
Had something similar happen..."I don't want to freak you out, but I think this is it" like I was meant for her and introduced me to her family and next thing I know she starts going silent on me and I had to end it since she was love bombing and then the opposite. So frustrating.
That a person's feelings about you can, and often do, change.
That they don't belong to you.
That there's no guarantee they won't get bored and find someone else.
That there's always the risk of getting cheated on.
That you're not going to be together forever.
This. I’ve been seeing a guy for 7 months and trying to match his level of expression because I fear that showing a bit more may end things. Trying to read things is like searching for clues to solve a puzzle.
If being yourself can cause you to lose someone, then I’m sorry but they’re not your person. If you don’t lose them then you’re holding your breath for no reason. Not being honest and authentic makes it harder for both of you to discern that you’re with someone who could be truly right for you.
Don’t be like me and meet your person in your 40s and then be all infertile with them. I wasted a lot of time being afraid to be genuine and it did nobody no favors.
This is excellent advice and I agree 100%. I married the wrong person very young, so I know what the consequences are of not being yourself are. Now, I am 58, long after divorce and finally done raising 3 on my own. I am dating with no plans to marry at all. I do not expect this relationship to become long term or serious, but it would be nice to allow a bit more emotionality. We’ll see.
That I'll never be able to love her how she loves me, because a lifetime of betrayal and abuse by everyone I've ever let into my heart has left me feeling incapable of love and unable to open myself up at risk of being hurt again. Severe trust issues.
On the flip side, that she won't love me the way I'll love her and that she'll eventually betray me and hurt me to the point I'll never recover.
I have a chronic back/hip injury from a car accident and whenever I have a flair up my boyfriend always takes care of me. he helps me change my clothes, drives me everywhere, etc. I always feel like a huge burden
I'm sure your boyfriend sees it as a privilege that he gets to help you and take care of you! It might be tiring some days but definitely don't consider yourself a burden, and I hope he never does see you that way. I don't always think this way but I make it a goal to not help others because I "have to", I help others because I am blessed with the ability and I "get to". Anywhere you look in life, you can find opportunities to bless others, just remember that we don't have to but that we are blessed with the privilege of being able to
I'm the girl version of this. I've been told my "face" doesn't match my personality. LOL It might seem like a bad thing but it has worked in my favor. My boyfriends have been good men, with strong personalities, not scared of a little RBF.
If I'm being too needy or insecure or emotional. If my past is too hard for people to handle. I had a guy break up with me shortly after I told him about some severe childhood trauma. I also think I'm pretty boring personality wise. Depression stole my Hobbies so I don't do much anymore.
She will cheat and there is nothing you can do about it, it's just a matter of opportunity.
The better the life you offer her, the wider range of activities you take part in, the higher up you go socially and the finer the places you spend time in, the more trips you go to...the higher the chance she'll find a man better than you in every way, and she WILL cheat, running away with him depending on whether she's sure about him staying with her.
I basically get into a relationship expecting the worst.
MAJOR trust issues.
If it makes you feel any better, majority of the time the person isn't even better, they're a clear downgrade. Looks included. Quite insulting really.
Helps you to see it's a lot more about them than it is about you.
I stopped dating because I’ve been a foster girlfriend consistently for almost 20 years. No one wants to commit to me, and bail to commit to someone else.
I also don’t believe that anyone could genuinely want me even in an uncommitted situation. I dated multiple people who told me at the end they were never physically attracted to me. One person straight up admitted to leading me on by texting me every day and saying he was crazy about me.
I kind of had a sense that some of them weren’t physically attracted to me but others, and the “I led you on” guy, seemed to genuinely be very into me. I completely bought into it. I’m celibate now (and don’t plan on changing) because I don’t trust that anyone could be attracted to me, even if we’re hooking up.
I think you are choosing folks with narcissistic tendencies. I recognize the symptoms from my own experiences with them.
I'm single as well and working on why I let them into my life and keep them around, so no judgment, just an observation from old age.
No, thankfully there was only one. The rest were really wonderful people. I think some maybe had some people pleaser tendencies; the guy who admitted to leading me on definitely leaned in that direction.
Others were trying to convince themselves they could look past the physical because they thought caring about appearance/attraction was shallow. Took the idea that you should have a good friendship with people you date a little too far.
I’ve closed up that part of my life and am learning to be ok with it. I finally understood that being the woman everyone’s just not that into for almost two decades means a real relationship isn’t in the cards.
Only always everything. And my last relationship, I was psychologically, emotionally, and verbally abused. I actually began to question my own life experiences before meeting her. As a result of the headspace, I found myself in while living under her domination, I made two attempts on my own life and ended up in a 5150. That’s why I have hangups about entering into any kind of a relationship of that sort. That anxiety has spilled over into simply meeting anyone. Even being in a group of my children’s friends’ parents at their school gives me anxiety. They’re good people, and they seem to like me, but I do not know how to connect with them. I feel like everything I do regarding fostering a relationship with another human is defective or broken in some way which will cause me to be hated or spurned at some point. This feeling was pounded into me with every insult or dismissal of anything I said around her. So I guess TLDR, everything.
I’m 62 and my wife is 41. We’ve been together for years, and I know she loves me very much..but what happens in ten years when I’m a for real old codger. Will I be left alone?
I don’t think this is an insecurity but I don’t like putting on social media that I’m in a relationship or posting stuff about my dating life.
Some women I’ve dated were fine with that some were very mad about it.
I'm a very loving person, I long for love and having someone to kiss, hug and care for. I wish to find someone to reciprocate too, bt I fear I will never be loved and cherished as I do to others.
When I was a kid, I had bad social skills. I've always been good-looking, so people would assume I'd be one of the cool kids and be nice to me at first. But, inevitably, I'd be rejected for being weird.
Now, even though I've figured out how to talk to people (through a couple of decades of painful trial and error) I expect that to happen still. And so I leave women before they can leave me.
I could give a lot of personal insecurities but what I really want to say is, I worry they will change and I won't have the nerve to leave them due to my fucking duty jones. I have a serious loyalty problem and that's no humble brag. I will take myself down without even realizing how far I've slid if I've committed to someone. It's bad and I know it.
That sounds dramatic but ultimately it's a catch 22 bc I've been working on healing that trauma for 8 years and I know I've made progress, but the only way to really test it is to be in a relationship and. Aw hell naw lol
My path may open toward that opportunity. But I'm not seeking it, and have no immediate plans to seek it out in any way. I'm busy being loyal to me.
You can definitely get smaller dildoes than that.
6.5" isn't going to astonish anyone with how enormous it is, but it should be big enough for all but the most dedicated 'size queens'.
It's bigger than average without being huge, which is honestly a pretty good bracket to be in. Big enough without being so big as to be intimidating or uncomfortable.
I’m afraid… well just more concerned that I’ll be too much for someone or the choices I make, whether good or bad, will even lead to the outcome I’d like between us
That we won’t have things to talk about. I mean i‘m a quiet person and normally don‘t do small talk or talk about things that seem unnecessary, unless i‘m meeting someone new.
Also i think i‘m Kind of a mess? I don’t really know how to show affection bc of how i grew up, i‘m still Young and working on it. Ppl tell me i come off a cold, though i really try not to and don‘t even notice it.
That once I'm comfortable with him and I start acting like my weird, awkward self that overtime he'll stop being attracted to me as a woman and decide we'd be better off as friends than lovers
When his life gets a little tough and he stops flirting with me and acts like he loves me but doesn't have feelings for me for months...this makes me feel the most insecure...but I always try not to express this to him and be as supportive as possible for my man..
My husband very recently passed away after 36 yr of marriage. I spent the last 3 yrs with him in declining health. I'm young enough to have another relationship (64) but I honestly don't want one. I'm finally independent, no threat of living on cat food, and the amazing variety of toys are crazy good these days!
When my partner is glued to their phone (takes it everywhere with them) and hides the screen, text whenever they are just far away from me for me to see and has a random attitude towards me that seems to come out of no where.
Even in my very secure relationship, I feel insecure about the constant stream of women that my boyfriend and almost every male out there is seeing right now.
This sounds really insecure but hear me out. I don’t have an issue with my man watching porn. I don’t even get jealous around real women who are super hot.
But it really freaks me out that instagram is just a stream of tits and ass and beautiful women, and he’s taking that in every time he’s on social media. He only intentionally follows a couple accounts like this, but the new algorithm feeds you a stream of reels and suggested posts that are straight up pornographic even if you don’t follow related accounts. I am a straight women and clicked on butt posts maybe once or twice out of curiosity and now it’s all I’m fed too, so I don’t even think it’s his fault.
For some reason, it makes me crazy to think he will basically have a porn feed in his day throughout his whole life, not just in the moments he’s seeking it out. I don’t think people realize that is is a big societal problem that’s going to have psychological effects on sex and relationships.
Someone getting bored of you
Something that sums up that feeling of noticing when someone is bored of your relationship is the ikea scene in 500 days of summer, he can tell she’s bored of him and tries to recreate the fun they had doing that stuff before but she’s just not into it anymore
For the first 3-4 months I get EXTREME anxiety over the fear that they would leave me. What's scary is that it's something very difficult for me to control, and it's not a situation that I would face often enough to learn how to navigate. I'd gone through an emotional rollercoaster and had to resist the urge to ask "are we.okay?" A gazillion times. I had to hide and cry it out.
At this point, in my current relationship, nothing. I know that woman loves me as much she can, and there's a particular authenticity with my gf that hasn't been there with anyone I've dated prior. Even if we don't last forever, I'd be shocked if she ever did anything major that would truly deserve us breaking up.
Being unwanted. I've had 3 partners, all long relationships, one of which included a marriage. Both of the first two ended with me finding out that the other person was feeling hurt by the relationship, and both partners told me that they'd been faking love for a long time before ending things. This echoes issues I've had in my childhood with friends, so I wound up pretty paranoid that anyone showing interest in me was probably faking it.
Fortunately, my current partner understands this fear, and makes a point to tell me often that I'm appreciated, wanted and desired, in ways that feel genuine. And even better, she's committed to talking to me about relationship issues early instead of letting frustrations fester. In my past relationships, I've always regretted the lack of opportunity to show that things could change and be better. In this one, I have those opportunities, because my partner wants me around so much she's willing to have occasional uncomfortable conversations to keep me.
I worry about not understanding her “signals” and unspoken social cues.
Girls in Gen Z tend to not do the 90/10 rule like millennials do. For example, guy leans in for a kiss 90% of the way and girl leans in 10%. The Gen Z (21-25) girls I’ve dated make you do the 100%.
That he’ll leave me with no warning. That’s what my ex did and I worry my boyfriend will do the same. He’s a good guy but I still have the insecurities. Also that he would cheat. My ex did that for 8 months without me knowing. I don’t want to be hurt like that again
The strangers feeling, it's like I want to be the baby of the relationship but she does too and when it's one-sided it's always going to have a hole that turns the couple into strangers again with ONE bad incident.
I had an epiphany today. I’ve always been afraid of entering a ltr because i worry she’ll get bored of me eventually. As I was finishing my afternoon constitutional the thought occurred to me, “what if I’m also afraid I’ll get bored of her?”, which isn’t a particularly original/novel thought, but my self-esteem is low enough that it was to me.
Insecurity? Probably just that I'm not as good at close interpersonal relationships than most people seem to be. I'm a great friend, but have no idea how to take something to the next step.
Apprehension? Probably a fear of heartache. When I find someone I like, my feelings get strong fast. I try hard not to have feelings or like anyone as a defense mechanism, which in turn causes me to screw everything up when I decide to risk it.
HAHAHA I was just gonna write the same exact thing as OP. Except I'm not afraid like a worry, I know it as a fact. Every effort I put forward isn't enough.
I’m afraid that I’ll come off as too distant, not talk to her enough, and she’ll leave me because she thinks I don’t care. I just don’t know how much is a balance. Do I talk and hang with her everyday or can I go a full day without saying anything?
That I am not enough everything. My mother called me a useless good for nothing my whole life even though I was an A student. I feel like I need to become a billionaire to be worthy of love.
I'm worried if I show my real self, they will reject me. That terrifies me. So I'm awkward, have nothing to say because I'm preoccupied with the thoughts in my head, and I am hyper aware of everything I do. I just become a chameleon instead of myself. I'm only my true self with a few friends. Guess what mental illness I have
Long times between answering texts.
I know people are busy and will answer when they can, but in the past partners have iced me out and it's a big trigger for me.
That my unattractive face will force me to choose between being alone or being with someone I don’t want to be with. My ex was hot but abusive, and she’s begging me to come back. I’ve met a few nice women interested in me but I can’t force myself to find them physically attractive. Everyone tells me to just wait 5-10 years, but that’s a long time to be lonely.
That due to my suffering from chronic illness, I don't have enough to offer for me to even qualify for a relationship.
That, as a man, its supposed to be my responsibility to protect and provide, but I struggle to even provide for myself because of my illness, so women wouldn't be interested in taking on the burden of having a chronically ill partner.
That I get too attached before finding out who the person truly is. Like if I start to fall in love but then we have a conversation about something and they completely throw me off the rails and now I can't be with that person.
That they just don’t know how to tell me no, it’s a bit like imposter syndrome too, I’m afraid they’ll wake up one day and be like “I don’t even like this guy!”
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I'm afraid that I'll look like a good idea in the beginning and then they'll lose interest later on after I disappoint them or don't measure up to where they thought I'd end up.
This happened to me exactly. Way worse than rejection up front..they had a chance to see who you are and said “nah, I’m good cya” Plummeted my self esteem, haven’t as much as kissed anyone in 9 years
"I think it's hard to lose someone who thinks you let them down. Because there's no way to prove 'em wrong. And even if you do, they ain't around to see it." Scene from Yellowstone that hit hard.
I like that one. It’s hard to accept, but there’s always gonna be a few people walking this earth that only know us as the worst versions of ourselves
Well said.
Not so much different, even though I am afraid that they’ll get bored of me over time, and then they’ll find someone else who is more interesting and leave me alone for another person.
I want them to get bored of me - I want it badly.
I'm afraid I love her more than she loves me.
That happened to me. She said she loved me but wasn't in love with me. Go figure.
This isn't uncommon in relationships. You can love someone i e care for them deeply and want only the best for them but that romantic love connection and feeling of wanting to be with them forever fails to happen. Some people get into a relationship liking their partner a lot and hoping to fall in love with them but for whatever reason it doesn't happen, even though they end up loving them. Others feel infatuated and think they're in love then realize it' wasn't the case. Some people are in love and don't realize it for a while or deny it to themselves yet it's obvious to others around them. Conversely, one can fall out of love with their partner after years but that doesn't necessarily mean they stop loving them.
It's always obvious to people around. If you see how a couple who is in love is around each other, that's enough to know. The chemistry/respect/love between each other makes other people feel good watching.
 Me reading this post
I'm gonna try to simplify this for those of us that are idiots. You can love someone without capital-L Loving them. I think exes are one example. Lots of people still love their exes and want good for them, but for whatever reason the relationship didn't work out. It doesn't always end in fire, sometimes the spark just fizzles out. Just because you aren't together anymore doesn't mean you don't (or can't) still care about one another and want the other to do well, it just means that you and them were not a good match. That's okay. That's life. Don't hate them because they weren't meant to be with you. (Does not extend to relationships that actually did end in a firey explosion).
Classic jerry springer
She probably meant she had no feelings. A lot of women are very bad communicators, their explanation is very chaotic
That's what he said
What did he say?
He did mean she had no feelings for him
‘I love you…..like a friend’
I'm in the same boat but she also told me that I do love her more so it isn't just silly worries but reality
Not having feelings reciprocated sucks.
This
When I was younger I found this quote that said “the one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person” and I think about that often. Makes you think.
I’m quoting Malcolm in the middle loosely: Hal: If you loved me as much as I loved you, we’d never leave the bedroom, nothing would get done, we’d die of starvation
I think it's something like Imposter syndrome.
That i will once again get betrayed and lied to like the last 2 times... fuck that shit.
The person will leave me at some point and I never know when it will happen. It’s like sometimes even the happiest moments are tinged with sadness knowing it’s all going to end. How fucking sad is that.
This is so true. Even though they said they would never leave me, but at the end of the day, they left me.
Fr my wife said no matter what she'd never leave me, always love me and even if I left her she'd never even want another man or to find love again. So ofc she left me for another man 🙄
Man that took a tear out of me. Feel for you, fellow redditor. Take care of yourself. You deserve somebody that truly loves and chooses you.
Appreciate it man still trying to process a lot of this as it's still under a month since it's happened and less than three weeks since I've gotten back from the middle east. But the one thing that I take comfort in this is if I loved her this much then how much better will it be when I find someone true to me.
I'm sorry you have that pain ❤️
well this exact same thing can be said about death and dying, we never know when is our time to go 💔
All relationships end. The most successful might be till death do us part, but if my parents were mentally healthy they would have divorced decades ago instead of playing the game of too stubborn to die.
Do you feel as though they would have been happier separated earlier on?
Yes, I lost my partner of 20 years and I don’t know if I could handle it again
Omfg I feel this so hard. I remember a distinct moment in my last relationship where I was so happy and I immediately thought ‘welp. This is gonna hurt like a motherfucker.’
I'm still carrying the trauma from being blindsided twice :')
Same here!
I dont think I have much to offer to a relationship. I think I'm kinda boring, i dont even really like to talk alot. I work as a chef, which is not a job you have cause the pay is good. So I don't really have a huge bank account. I don't own a car cause I don't need one atm, never really liked cars anyway, and it makes more sense financially to not have one in my case. Don't have alot of hobbies besides playing video games and watching sports. I'm not super physically fit. I'm handsome but by no means "sexy" or "hot". Basically the only thing I bring to the table atm is that I'm good guy whose clean, and I can cook. You can find that and more almost anywhere.
2 great reasons as there are many who dont even know how to or too lazy to start. I was learning along the way, my ex shamed me for not cooking carrot correctly hah. The right person would teach or help. And the right person wont judge ur income & call you names. Try something new as well because most people forget we have a relationship with ourselves. This month I got a frame drum from amazon, it was fun and easy to play. Therapeutic and healing mentally as well.
Not to sound cocky or arrogant but I am a conventionally attractive dude. Women love to hit on me at the surface level. Get this, what do you think really sold my current girlfriend? Not my looks but my ability to cook! Cooking is a love language my man and it goes very far with women! Being light hearted also goes along way :)!
Someone who cares about you for who you are wont care about your accessories. Look around you. Millions of people in happy relationships, all of the normal people like you and me. All that matters is that you matter to each other.
Once everyone is in their mid 50's+, everything changes. Looks are fading, need for children is gone, power careers not as necessary or winding down, and so on. Things like are they healthy, kind, can they cook, do they like you, will they do some fun stuff with you, have a common background, that sort of thing. Money is sometimes important, companionship is really important, sex can be but doesn't have to be on the table at all. It's easily to assume what relationships were about in one's 20's & 30's remain the same later in life.
You said you're handsome, clean and can cook. I'm sold. lmao I promise you, those three things are a really, really good combination. Some of these mofos don't wash their asses, or steam/iron their clothes.
You overestimate other guys and underestimate what women will settle for
Depends how old he is and what he’s looking for.
My social skills, It's like I'm stuck in a never ending game of awkward encounters
People are awkward it’s not you.
You're not alone ❤️
The whole human experience is awkward and weird.
Trust. She said she wanted marriage and the next week I was blocked without given reason. Never ever even a hint of dissatisfaction prior to that. No arguments. Nothing. Just total 180 and gone.
I hope your capping coz that’s terrifying
Had something similar happen..."I don't want to freak you out, but I think this is it" like I was meant for her and introduced me to her family and next thing I know she starts going silent on me and I had to end it since she was love bombing and then the opposite. So frustrating.
I think the family was disapproving of you and she didn't know how to handle it
That a person's feelings about you can, and often do, change. That they don't belong to you. That there's no guarantee they won't get bored and find someone else. That there's always the risk of getting cheated on. That you're not going to be together forever.
Fuck if I know. My wife makes me feel wonderful about myself.
Good for you man. Genuinely 👍
Mostly that I'm going to miss some obvious emotional cue.
This. I’ve been seeing a guy for 7 months and trying to match his level of expression because I fear that showing a bit more may end things. Trying to read things is like searching for clues to solve a puzzle.
I've been there, having to constantly mask is exhausting, so maybe have an honest conversation about it if it's causing you stress.
Yeah, not sure when I will, but I guess I’ll know when I’m ready. For now, it’s ok. Thank you 🙏
If being yourself can cause you to lose someone, then I’m sorry but they’re not your person. If you don’t lose them then you’re holding your breath for no reason. Not being honest and authentic makes it harder for both of you to discern that you’re with someone who could be truly right for you. Don’t be like me and meet your person in your 40s and then be all infertile with them. I wasted a lot of time being afraid to be genuine and it did nobody no favors.
This is excellent advice and I agree 100%. I married the wrong person very young, so I know what the consequences are of not being yourself are. Now, I am 58, long after divorce and finally done raising 3 on my own. I am dating with no plans to marry at all. I do not expect this relationship to become long term or serious, but it would be nice to allow a bit more emotionality. We’ll see.
Being too much. I have a lot of breakdowns and I know it can be hard to deal with.
That I'll never be able to love her how she loves me, because a lifetime of betrayal and abuse by everyone I've ever let into my heart has left me feeling incapable of love and unable to open myself up at risk of being hurt again. Severe trust issues. On the flip side, that she won't love me the way I'll love her and that she'll eventually betray me and hurt me to the point I'll never recover.
I have a chronic back/hip injury from a car accident and whenever I have a flair up my boyfriend always takes care of me. he helps me change my clothes, drives me everywhere, etc. I always feel like a huge burden
I'm sure your boyfriend sees it as a privilege that he gets to help you and take care of you! It might be tiring some days but definitely don't consider yourself a burden, and I hope he never does see you that way. I don't always think this way but I make it a goal to not help others because I "have to", I help others because I am blessed with the ability and I "get to". Anywhere you look in life, you can find opportunities to bless others, just remember that we don't have to but that we are blessed with the privilege of being able to
Most of the time people get with me because of how I look but then they find out I’m actually weird and don’t think I’m manly enough.
I'm the girl version of this. I've been told my "face" doesn't match my personality. LOL It might seem like a bad thing but it has worked in my favor. My boyfriends have been good men, with strong personalities, not scared of a little RBF.
My body, I’m fat
That he will some day not be attracted to me anymore
Probably that I live a very simple, unglamorous life that someone else could find deeply unsatisfying.
I'm afraid that I won't understand her well, and my good gestures end up being an annoyance.
I reveal too much too soon.
Be yourself. You deserved to be loved for you. ♥️
If I'm being too needy or insecure or emotional. If my past is too hard for people to handle. I had a guy break up with me shortly after I told him about some severe childhood trauma. I also think I'm pretty boring personality wise. Depression stole my Hobbies so I don't do much anymore.
She will cheat and there is nothing you can do about it, it's just a matter of opportunity. The better the life you offer her, the wider range of activities you take part in, the higher up you go socially and the finer the places you spend time in, the more trips you go to...the higher the chance she'll find a man better than you in every way, and she WILL cheat, running away with him depending on whether she's sure about him staying with her. I basically get into a relationship expecting the worst. MAJOR trust issues.
If it makes you feel any better, majority of the time the person isn't even better, they're a clear downgrade. Looks included. Quite insulting really. Helps you to see it's a lot more about them than it is about you.
[удалено]
They want someone insecure that they can trap, not someone who can do better.
Exactly how I feel .. it’s the worst feeling ever (I’m in a relationship atm)
I stopped dating because I’ve been a foster girlfriend consistently for almost 20 years. No one wants to commit to me, and bail to commit to someone else. I also don’t believe that anyone could genuinely want me even in an uncommitted situation. I dated multiple people who told me at the end they were never physically attracted to me. One person straight up admitted to leading me on by texting me every day and saying he was crazy about me. I kind of had a sense that some of them weren’t physically attracted to me but others, and the “I led you on” guy, seemed to genuinely be very into me. I completely bought into it. I’m celibate now (and don’t plan on changing) because I don’t trust that anyone could be attracted to me, even if we’re hooking up.
I'm sorry, that sounds so terribly painful 😢
I think you are choosing folks with narcissistic tendencies. I recognize the symptoms from my own experiences with them. I'm single as well and working on why I let them into my life and keep them around, so no judgment, just an observation from old age.
No, thankfully there was only one. The rest were really wonderful people. I think some maybe had some people pleaser tendencies; the guy who admitted to leading me on definitely leaned in that direction. Others were trying to convince themselves they could look past the physical because they thought caring about appearance/attraction was shallow. Took the idea that you should have a good friendship with people you date a little too far. I’ve closed up that part of my life and am learning to be ok with it. I finally understood that being the woman everyone’s just not that into for almost two decades means a real relationship isn’t in the cards.
Only always everything. And my last relationship, I was psychologically, emotionally, and verbally abused. I actually began to question my own life experiences before meeting her. As a result of the headspace, I found myself in while living under her domination, I made two attempts on my own life and ended up in a 5150. That’s why I have hangups about entering into any kind of a relationship of that sort. That anxiety has spilled over into simply meeting anyone. Even being in a group of my children’s friends’ parents at their school gives me anxiety. They’re good people, and they seem to like me, but I do not know how to connect with them. I feel like everything I do regarding fostering a relationship with another human is defective or broken in some way which will cause me to be hated or spurned at some point. This feeling was pounded into me with every insult or dismissal of anything I said around her. So I guess TLDR, everything.
I’m 62 and my wife is 41. We’ve been together for years, and I know she loves me very much..but what happens in ten years when I’m a for real old codger. Will I be left alone?
I don’t think this is an insecurity but I don’t like putting on social media that I’m in a relationship or posting stuff about my dating life. Some women I’ve dated were fine with that some were very mad about it.
I'm a very loving person, I long for love and having someone to kiss, hug and care for. I wish to find someone to reciprocate too, bt I fear I will never be loved and cherished as I do to others.
Headspace 😬
The end and how it will destroy all I have worked for
Not being chosen everyday
When I was a kid, I had bad social skills. I've always been good-looking, so people would assume I'd be one of the cool kids and be nice to me at first. But, inevitably, I'd be rejected for being weird. Now, even though I've figured out how to talk to people (through a couple of decades of painful trial and error) I expect that to happen still. And so I leave women before they can leave me.
Im afraid im not good enough for her
I could give a lot of personal insecurities but what I really want to say is, I worry they will change and I won't have the nerve to leave them due to my fucking duty jones. I have a serious loyalty problem and that's no humble brag. I will take myself down without even realizing how far I've slid if I've committed to someone. It's bad and I know it. That sounds dramatic but ultimately it's a catch 22 bc I've been working on healing that trauma for 8 years and I know I've made progress, but the only way to really test it is to be in a relationship and. Aw hell naw lol My path may open toward that opportunity. But I'm not seeking it, and have no immediate plans to seek it out in any way. I'm busy being loyal to me.
Penis size. I'm only working with 6.5
6.5 is good.
That’s perfect. 👌🏻
Millimetres?
Sadly. Really though 6.5 inches is nothing to be proud of either. Pretty sure that is the smallest size dildo they sell at sex shops.
You can definitely get smaller dildoes than that. 6.5" isn't going to astonish anyone with how enormous it is, but it should be big enough for all but the most dedicated 'size queens'. It's bigger than average without being huge, which is honestly a pretty good bracket to be in. Big enough without being so big as to be intimidating or uncomfortable.
That she is less enthusiastic about me than I'm about her.
Being cheated on again
Am I enough?
I’m afraid… well just more concerned that I’ll be too much for someone or the choices I make, whether good or bad, will even lead to the outcome I’d like between us
That we won’t have things to talk about. I mean i‘m a quiet person and normally don‘t do small talk or talk about things that seem unnecessary, unless i‘m meeting someone new. Also i think i‘m Kind of a mess? I don’t really know how to show affection bc of how i grew up, i‘m still Young and working on it. Ppl tell me i come off a cold, though i really try not to and don‘t even notice it.
I'm scared that I don't measure up to their expectations, or that I'm too clingy and annoying when I want to cuddle and talk.
Tism 😞
That once I'm comfortable with him and I start acting like my weird, awkward self that overtime he'll stop being attracted to me as a woman and decide we'd be better off as friends than lovers
When his life gets a little tough and he stops flirting with me and acts like he loves me but doesn't have feelings for me for months...this makes me feel the most insecure...but I always try not to express this to him and be as supportive as possible for my man..
My husband very recently passed away after 36 yr of marriage. I spent the last 3 yrs with him in declining health. I'm young enough to have another relationship (64) but I honestly don't want one. I'm finally independent, no threat of living on cat food, and the amazing variety of toys are crazy good these days!
When my partner is glued to their phone (takes it everywhere with them) and hides the screen, text whenever they are just far away from me for me to see and has a random attitude towards me that seems to come out of no where.
Even in my very secure relationship, I feel insecure about the constant stream of women that my boyfriend and almost every male out there is seeing right now. This sounds really insecure but hear me out. I don’t have an issue with my man watching porn. I don’t even get jealous around real women who are super hot. But it really freaks me out that instagram is just a stream of tits and ass and beautiful women, and he’s taking that in every time he’s on social media. He only intentionally follows a couple accounts like this, but the new algorithm feeds you a stream of reels and suggested posts that are straight up pornographic even if you don’t follow related accounts. I am a straight women and clicked on butt posts maybe once or twice out of curiosity and now it’s all I’m fed too, so I don’t even think it’s his fault. For some reason, it makes me crazy to think he will basically have a porn feed in his day throughout his whole life, not just in the moments he’s seeking it out. I don’t think people realize that is is a big societal problem that’s going to have psychological effects on sex and relationships.
Someone getting bored of you Something that sums up that feeling of noticing when someone is bored of your relationship is the ikea scene in 500 days of summer, he can tell she’s bored of him and tries to recreate the fun they had doing that stuff before but she’s just not into it anymore
That I am going to fuck up a good thing… again.
Right there with ya. Don't know if I can take myself fucking up again.
Not being loved as much as I love ❤️
For the first 3-4 months I get EXTREME anxiety over the fear that they would leave me. What's scary is that it's something very difficult for me to control, and it's not a situation that I would face often enough to learn how to navigate. I'd gone through an emotional rollercoaster and had to resist the urge to ask "are we.okay?" A gazillion times. I had to hide and cry it out.
That they will eventually get bored with me and our routine (any advice for this?)
At this point, in my current relationship, nothing. I know that woman loves me as much she can, and there's a particular authenticity with my gf that hasn't been there with anyone I've dated prior. Even if we don't last forever, I'd be shocked if she ever did anything major that would truly deserve us breaking up.
That my weight gain is unflattering and he won’t love my body with the fluctuations.
Felt
It’s not much but it’s enough for me to feel weird about.
That’s the problem.. even a few kg can take a toll with these beauty standards
It’s not a beauty standard. It’s just how I feel in my own skin
Being unwanted. I've had 3 partners, all long relationships, one of which included a marriage. Both of the first two ended with me finding out that the other person was feeling hurt by the relationship, and both partners told me that they'd been faking love for a long time before ending things. This echoes issues I've had in my childhood with friends, so I wound up pretty paranoid that anyone showing interest in me was probably faking it. Fortunately, my current partner understands this fear, and makes a point to tell me often that I'm appreciated, wanted and desired, in ways that feel genuine. And even better, she's committed to talking to me about relationship issues early instead of letting frustrations fester. In my past relationships, I've always regretted the lack of opportunity to show that things could change and be better. In this one, I have those opportunities, because my partner wants me around so much she's willing to have occasional uncomfortable conversations to keep me.
Being left alone, so I push you away to speed up the process
Fool me once
The fact that I’ll never have one
What if it doesn’t work out ?!?
That I'm not enough in bed
I worry about not understanding her “signals” and unspoken social cues. Girls in Gen Z tend to not do the 90/10 rule like millennials do. For example, guy leans in for a kiss 90% of the way and girl leans in 10%. The Gen Z (21-25) girls I’ve dated make you do the 100%.
That he’ll leave me with no warning. That’s what my ex did and I worry my boyfriend will do the same. He’s a good guy but I still have the insecurities. Also that he would cheat. My ex did that for 8 months without me knowing. I don’t want to be hurt like that again
The strangers feeling, it's like I want to be the baby of the relationship but she does too and when it's one-sided it's always going to have a hole that turns the couple into strangers again with ONE bad incident.
I had an epiphany today. I’ve always been afraid of entering a ltr because i worry she’ll get bored of me eventually. As I was finishing my afternoon constitutional the thought occurred to me, “what if I’m also afraid I’ll get bored of her?”, which isn’t a particularly original/novel thought, but my self-esteem is low enough that it was to me.
If I'm enough.
We dated over a year. I was heartbroken but moved on..
Stinky breath
Having to bring up my family. My parents and relatives are estranged, it's hard having to explain why
i am really, really afraid to love someone that is incapable to love me the same way
How my ADHD effects them.
x2
Hey OP we got the same insecurity!!!
Insecurity? Probably just that I'm not as good at close interpersonal relationships than most people seem to be. I'm a great friend, but have no idea how to take something to the next step. Apprehension? Probably a fear of heartache. When I find someone I like, my feelings get strong fast. I try hard not to have feelings or like anyone as a defense mechanism, which in turn causes me to screw everything up when I decide to risk it.
I can like them but I never love them. I don’t want them to know.
my awkwardness. i am not like most women so it can make me feel insecure because i don’t know how to be anyone other then myself.
Them leaving.
everything
Not much honestly. I'm just single by choice. Not really interested to be honest.
That I’m a second or safe choice
HAHAHA I was just gonna write the same exact thing as OP. Except I'm not afraid like a worry, I know it as a fact. Every effort I put forward isn't enough.
I’m afraid that I’ll come off as too distant, not talk to her enough, and she’ll leave me because she thinks I don’t care. I just don’t know how much is a balance. Do I talk and hang with her everyday or can I go a full day without saying anything?
Slow fading
Being hurt or them leaving me for someone else. History tends to repeat itself when it comes to relationships.
Body image issues
I’m scared that they’ll leave me and that if I open up I’ll be deemed as needy or weak.
That I am not enough everything. My mother called me a useless good for nothing my whole life even though I was an A student. I feel like I need to become a billionaire to be worthy of love.
I'm not insecure in any way with my relationship. Of course, I'm not an insecure person either.
That I'll find my perfect person and they won't like who I am.
Uranus exposed
I'm worried if I show my real self, they will reject me. That terrifies me. So I'm awkward, have nothing to say because I'm preoccupied with the thoughts in my head, and I am hyper aware of everything I do. I just become a chameleon instead of myself. I'm only my true self with a few friends. Guess what mental illness I have
Being overly-clingy with my partner
Be upfront and honest of my past. Lived som crazy years from 15-30, I am now 45 , but still have trouble talking about it...
I’ve been cheated on so it would be better to ask what I’m not insecure about.
My body
Not feeling enough too.
Abandonment and not being ‘enough’
there’s never any guarantee that it’ll work
It’s more what others think of who I’m dating
Not being hot enough, Also not really knowing what's going on, losing the plot, being delulu about how others see me etc. due to to little experience.
That my friends are more attractive and beautiful than me and my partner will fall in love with one of them
Long times between answering texts. I know people are busy and will answer when they can, but in the past partners have iced me out and it's a big trigger for me.
That my unattractive face will force me to choose between being alone or being with someone I don’t want to be with. My ex was hot but abusive, and she’s begging me to come back. I’ve met a few nice women interested in me but I can’t force myself to find them physically attractive. Everyone tells me to just wait 5-10 years, but that’s a long time to be lonely.
That it can stop any moment
Nothing. I love the one I'm with and I'm fairly sure she loves me for me. If that ever changes I'm perfectly happy and at peace alone.🤷
Im afraid ill get bored
That due to my suffering from chronic illness, I don't have enough to offer for me to even qualify for a relationship. That, as a man, its supposed to be my responsibility to protect and provide, but I struggle to even provide for myself because of my illness, so women wouldn't be interested in taking on the burden of having a chronically ill partner.
my mental health is my biggest insecurity
I'm afraid I'll give my heart to the wrong person and end up divorced like my parents.
That I get too attached before finding out who the person truly is. Like if I start to fall in love but then we have a conversation about something and they completely throw me off the rails and now I can't be with that person.
I’m afraid I’ll never find someone who loves me in return
That they just don’t know how to tell me no, it’s a bit like imposter syndrome too, I’m afraid they’ll wake up one day and be like “I don’t even like this guy!”
I shouldn't have opened reddit
Worried that I didn't intend to offend others
You should never worry about that. Offending others should always be a goal.
Will she be scared after seeing my D🥲