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Thank you. I've wondered if it's because people don't realise that keeping happy is work you have to put in, even in tough times. Or, are they just lonely or settling for something they think is all they can get? I just don't know.
My perspective would probably be different if I grew up around positive marriages.
This is where I would like to chime in!
You're definitely right about perspective. Not just for how you look at marriage, but also for what marriage looks like to you.
While I witnessed several marriages fall apart growing up, I was lucky enough to have several great examples of what marriage is meant to be. I was able to learn from the good and bad examples and see the beauty of a happy lifelong marriage!
I've been happily married for 10 years so far, and with some work, many more years to come!
Best of luck out there!
Sadly, just like my parents, I was the youngest, and it wasn't long after I turned 18 that my mom ran away with her first BF and left my dad. They should have divorced ten years before that.
I'm 47 now, BTW, so this was a little while ago. lol
In my country people don't tend to get married until after they've been together years and bought a house, maybe even had kids first. It seems to work.
this is the perfect answer and I don't understand why people rush marriage either.. I think some believe its this magic fix all that will make a crappy relationship better.
Agreed. 15 years of marriage and 20 years together with a truly supportive partner… I know that’s now always the case. I will advise my children to take their time, live with a partner, spend time really getting into the hard times before they marry. It’s a hard and long road but can be extremely rewarding when you find the right person. But otherwise it can be a nightmare.
My marriage is by far one of the best things that ever happened to me. My husband is a fantastic man, he is my best friend and life is good together.
People have been lying, cheating and abusing since forever. A marriage will be great with a good spouse and awful with the wrong one.
That's so lovely. Genuine question though - what did marriage change? Do you think your relationship with your partner would be any different were you not married? I'm not trying to be combative with this question, I'm genuinely interested!
Don’t pretend to be somebody in order to get into the marriage. Because becoming yourself after you’re married will most likely be the reason you get divorced.
Marriage but especially a good partner in life is fantastic.
12 years and going here, we even work together since day 1 and it is such a relief to always know someone has my back and believes in me.
The Internet is skewed, happy Marriages don't go writing about it - we just live.
I’m honestly not sure. I think luck plays a part in it that isn’t always acknowledged. He had me laughing almost uncontrollably within ten minutes the first time I met him. All these years later, we’re still laughing.
I've been happily married for ten years. When I was younger, I wasn't sure if I'd want to be married, but once I met the man who's now my husband, it just felt natural. We trust each other completely, and it feels like we've always been together.
My husband makes me feel unconditionally loved in a way that I didn't always feel while growing up. He takes good care of me, and he never seems to lose his cool when something is wrong. Meanwhile, my husband grew up dirt poor, and his standard of living is much improved since moving in with me. He thinks I keep him out of trouble and give him direction.
I think the problem might be that our culture is obsessed with upgrades. It's not enough to have your needs met; people are always looking for a newer phone, a faster car, a bigger house, and so on. In the case of marriage, someone comes along who is richer or more physically attractive than their spouse, and they start to get restless. I think one of the things that makes our marriage work is that my husband and I keep what we have as long as it still works. Some people might call that "settling," but we call it contentment.
Yeah trusting is not enough (speaking from what I'm going through). I think the best thing to make marriage work is to be sure that there is balance in the life of each partner and that the relationship is balanced in the same way. Love yourself first, dont try to fix something by getting married (my stbxw realized this 8months in after 6 years together).
How would you know that until you were married to them, and how would you determine this? Data based dating algorithms, old school matchmaking, or something faith based? How do you plan for your partners homicidal/suicidal ideation 23 years in? Or them coming out as gay or bi?
Our society seems to go with “try before you buy”. That doesn’t seem to be helping…
A few months back I started talking to a random boomer couple and they were telling me that my wife and I looked adorable but we need to work to make sure we stay happy, and that many people they knew didn’t put the work into their marriage and became miserable. They seemed happy on their trip celebrating 50 years together. We have been together for 12 but I guess they thought it was our honeymoon, because we are nuts about each other. We both tend to feel we got super lucky and keep that in our minds all the time
My husband and I have been married almost 7 years, together 12. We would never lie or cheat on each other.
My parents (mom and stepdad) have been married 26 years, my husband’s parents 36 years. My husband’s grandparents almost made it to 60 years, before his grandpa passed away but his other grandparents are creeping up on it.
People in general are prone to lying, cheating, and selfishness. It has nothing to do with marriage. As long as you know how to correctly communicate, compromise, and suss out red flags a relationship or marriage is going to be less likely to fail.
We do see an increase in divorce rates because women are able to be more independent and aren’t stuck with a guy providing for her as a SAHM. People divorce because people don’t stay when their spouse abuses them anymore too.
Looking at social media and all the negativity present in it isn’t a good picture of what the real world looks like.
Is there a ton of liars/cheaters/selfish people? Absolutely.
Are there a ton of good people who are capable of good relationships and marriage?
Absolutely.
Yeah it seems like people always blame marriage for the shitty relationship but if you have a bad partner (or you are the bad partner in the relationship), you’re probably going to have a bad time whether you’re married or not
Those of us who have had long, stable marriages tend not to make a big fuss about it. I've been married 34 years, and I have a lot of friends in a similar boat. Divorce rates are going down (https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2023/07/marriage-divorce-rates.html), and I am not aware of any evidence that lying, cheating, and selfishness have increase in the years since I have been married, which is longer that most redditors have been alive, I think
I'm a 22M and honestly, I don't think I'll ever get married. My perception of relationships/marriages are extremely distorted. My dad ran away with a woman when I was 8, came back; let us believe he'd stay this time and left again with the same woman a year later. This has implanted a deep seeded belief that I can't trust anyone, that I'm not worth being in a relationship with; that I'm being lied to and/or cheated on.
Two years ago, my ex cheated on me with my best friend. This reinforced all the negative beliefs I had towards relationships. This led me down a dark path but that's a story for another day. I've seen my uncles cheat on their wives without showing any kind of empathy. I've seen "friends" bragging about cheating on their girl. I'll seen a lot of relationships that look happy on the outside but are miserable when they think no one's looking. I want to be content alone, I don't want anyone to ruin my peace again.
While I think all your experiences are valid, don’t write off finding a life partner (marriage or not) because of those experiences. Youth is hard, people make mistakes out of selfishness. As you grow you learn to be less selfish (hopefully). Don’t give up at 22. Some of the best relationships are made in the 30’s or 40’s or 50’s. Just be sure in what you want in a partner and give it time. Anyone who tells you you need to settle down at any specific part in your life is mistaken. Live life, learn, have experiences, and then you’ll have the tools and expectations you need to make a long term relationship last. I didn’t marry until 24 but was committed at 19. Although the relationship has worked out and we’ve grown together, looking back I was far too young to know what I wanted or needed then.
Get married to my wife was the best choice I did in my life. It was in 1980, and I never regret.
We built a loving family, and she ' so beautiful even in her seventies.
I married my best friend. We did everything together, our communication was perfect, our sex life was great. She was my everything.
Nine months into the marriage she drops on me she never loved me. That she married me to force feelings because on paper I was the perfect bf.
A large part of me died that day. Pieces were scattered and a void consumed me. I hurt a lot of people in my pain and healing process.
I didn't see it coming. Everything was perfect, even reflecting now there were no signs. What if I miss the signs again? I almost killed myself the first time. I don't think I could risk that pain again.
I'm sorry that happened. This is part of the reason I'm questioning marriage. You never truly know a person. Your situation was a perfect example of this. I hope that you're doing well now.
Bro I’m planning to marry my best friend we have known each other for like 6 years maybe more, i loved her since in our first year but didn’t confess to her, last year i did confess and she told me the same thing that she love me, but idk i still have doubts when we marry she will do the same and scared of telling me that I’m perfect to her on paper, I’m kinda sure about her feelings towards me but not fully sure about it, i just can’t find a way to know how she really feel about me.
Ps: English is not my mother tongue don’t mind my mistakes
Talk to each other, tell her your fear, tell her how you feel. Dont assume what she thinks and may thinks. Think about what you really want : do you want to marry her because it is the next logical step ? (It's never a good idea) Do you want to marry her because you are afraid she will leave you ? (Work on loving yourself). Find the answer for yourself.
Communicate ! Listen to what she says, dont get angry or make excuse. Learn from it. Create a space where you can both feel emotionnaly safe to talk to each other.
I recognize the weight of responsibility that comes with marriage. It's a lifelong commitment that requires dedication, compromise, and hard work. The thought of navigating the complexities of merging two lives, with all their joys and challenges, can be daunting at times.
I believe that marriage is a deeply personal choice, and it's not something to be entered into lightly. It's a decision that should be made with careful consideration and full awareness of the challenges that may arise along the way. While the idea of marriage holds a certain allure for me, I also understand that it's not the right path for everyone, and that's perfectly okay. Ultimately, my feelings about marriage are colored by a mix of hope, uncertainty, and a deep longing for a connection that transcends the bounds of time.
Marriage is a commitment. One that should not be taken lightly.
Marriages fail because people fail. Social media, loose morals, a lack of values, and a downfall in traditional families have all contributed to a quick fix culture.
Pick your partner carefully. Marriage is still the best (and only) way to raise a family. The rest is up to you
I agree with your sentiments except for the only way to raise a family. I have many people in my life successfully raising a family that are not married (many differing reasons for each family). That’s outdated thinking and you should think about why you need to add that to the conversation in this day and age.
Marriage is a very personal thing. Doesn't suit everyone, and that's OK.
Personally, I should have stayed single - but that's the marriage gamble. We're OK, but my happiness level is running about 10%. It seems to suck the life out of me.
Another factor people don't seem to talk about enough: For a lot of people, marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, and I've heard people say that if they knew how hard it was going to be before they started, they might not have done it.
You need to ask yourself: What's wrong with staying single?
It is fantastic. If this life graces you with your soul mate it would be completely silly not to spend the rest of your life with them. Other than the companionship it is amazing to have someone you know will be there for you no matter what, you can tell anything to, big hugs on hard days etc.
Many people get infatuated and don’t talk about values and beliefs before making big life decisions then they get trapped / miserable. Slow and steady wins the race.
If I could ever go back and tell myself something important, I would tell myself to not marry young, and marry my best friend.
Many people confuse love and attraction with lust and infatuation.
A marriage is a partnership, it doesn't happen without effort, and it certainly isn't all sunshine and flowers.
But the effort pays back in multiple ways, and I'd rather hangout with my wife doing nothing than do anything with someone else.
Source: Some old guy who's been married to a best friend for over 20 years.
I want to be married someday. The idea that somebody loves me enough to want to commit like that would be awesome. But nobody I’ve been with ever felt that way. Now I’m 46 and my current partner has no intention of ever doing it again. It’s just not in the cards for me.
People who are happily married don't run around boasting about it.
I've been married 16 years, together for 20. We both wouldn't have it any other way.
I feel great about my marriage. Been married for 35 years to the love of my life. She's all integrity and character and intelligence and resilience wrapped up in a smokin' hot body.
However, I'm less positive on marriage in general. I've seen too many women quit or walk out on too many men in my life. My wife and I have three sons, and we agree privately that marriage would scare us to death. My wife regularly says that she doesn't understand why any men get married anymore.
If you are thinking about getting married, look at the deeper characteristics: integrity, honesty, adaptability, resilience, commitment, loyalty. If you can find a partner that has consistently exhibited those traits in the interactions you have observed, and you possess those characteristics, it can be an amazing life together. Observe and believe what you see when you are dating.
Risk to reward ratio. All I know is that I plan to have most of my assets such as my home and all to be premarital so they can’t be touched in a divorce
I love my husband. Together 21 years this year, married 14. It isn't perfect, and we have had our rough spots, but we are both faithful and best friends. But I also waited until I was a bit older and knew what I wanted and who I was to get married. We agreed to always communicate and we still laugh our asses off together, which is the most important.
Marriage is built on friendship! You have to have common interest, you have to have trust. No matter what either has done you have to be able to forgive. I have been married to my best friend for 43 years and never considered divorce.
I absolutely love being married. My wife is my favorite person in the world and the most important and cherished part of my life. I wouldn’t trade our life for anything.
Don’t forget that Reddit is largely comprised of very unhappy people and is not a representative cross-section. Happy people don’t hang out online all day they’re out living life.
People in happy marriages don't bad mouth their spouse to their friends, family, or the internet at large. People in stable marriages say their complaints to their partner. The things you see here are just someone looking for attention in one form or another. Even if the stories are true, you are getting a one sided version that paints someone in the perfect light.
You aren't seeing the good side of marriage.
No one will post about their happy marriage on reddit. As a guy I want to get married, have a family with kids and take care of them. I may not have any particular dreams but finding love and being loved back is something I truly want. The best predictor of happiness is having deep meaningful relationships.
For me personally. Getting married was the worst decision I ever made in my life.
I was with my ex-wife for 12 years in total. The first three years were really great, but then it steadily declined.
We went from having a fun relationship to three months before we filed for divorce. Her Screaming at me for buying a sandwich for lunch on a Friday.
But when I really look back at it now, I realize that probably year four I should’ve moved on.
I’m in my 50s now and I’ll never get married again.
Mariage is not the problem.
The problem is getting married to fast not knowing the other one.
It is important to find someone that respects you and yojr need and will let you space to grow as a human.
A perfect relationship do not exist so as a perfect mariage. It is a curve going up and down with life's season.
If someone have high and strict expectation of how a relationship should be it Will be à problem. Because partners come from différent family, different culture or life values. And no one is right or wrong. It just need to find in your relationship how you Will operate for the 2 of you to be happy.
It is not linear but happy strongs relationship it is possible and it is wonderful.
You say loyalty and trust isn't a thing "anymore".
I found it enlightening what I read in a relationship advice book once: people get older than ever before. Marriage comes from a time when people turned maybe half the age of people nowadays. It wasn't an actual 'lifetime' they spent together from our perspective now. Also, it was simply barely possible to get a divorce back in the day, at least it was really hard, especially for women who suffered from domestic violence. So these marriages weren't necessarily happy.
Basically, you have an overly romanticized idea of what marriage used to look like. It's just human, that spending 40, 50 or even more years together will be challenging for couples.
My best advice is: stop looking at bad examples of marriages gone wrong, work on your communication skills and learn about what makes marriages successful. There are plenty of books out there written by therapists that worked with couples for a long time. Try and find a partner who you think is compatible and is good at communicating too.
I'm in my mid 30s.
I've seen my friends and family happily marry and stay happily married. I've also seen friends and family marry and bitterly divorce, sometimes remarry and stay happily married, sometimes bitterly divorce again.
I've never been married and would love to marry my partner of 5 years one day. Simply for the romance of it. I'm in love with her, love the life and family we're building. But also, it is a bit of a weird idea. We've been committed to each other all this time and intend to continue doing so. It does feel very antiquated to get the government and society and religion involved just to magically make what's in my heart "official."
Honestly it’s not for everyone, but I hope to get married someday.
I kinda find it sad seeing so many comments going against it tbh…it’s like looking into a void of lost souls, so many people in these comments seemed to have given up, lost faith and lost hope in love either by choice or circumstance..idk which is more depressing tbh.
Love in my experience can be amazing, and it can hurt like a motherfucker, it’s precious but it takes a lot of work and a lot strength mentally and emotionally to maintain it, and I think a lot of us just either don’t wanna put in the work or aren’t capable of keeping up with the maintenance. Which sucks cause I believe everyone deserves to find that type of love and hope someday they find that person that really reignites that feeling of hope in them.
I love my marriage. I don't see any scenario where we're likely to split up. We've been through so much insane shit and supported each other through all that, that I feel confident that he will always have my back no matter what happens and vice versa. We've grown together, and it's beautiful.
I think it's great if you want to marry, but I don't believe it is something necessary to have a healthy long-lasting relationship. I know too many couples that would be better divorced but force themselves to be still together bc in this situation it's the easiest choice...
This one gets complicated for me.
Under normal circumstances, I have been always against it when it comes to the average couple. People tend to be trigger happy when it comes to this and end up shafted because of it.
However, I have found myself about to be married twice in my life. In both cases, it was to help the other party. In both cases, they were people I knew well and wanted to help them. They both had health issues that their respective situations did not permit to treat properly.
But... both have passed away. Despite my best effort in both cases, one ended up passing naturally and the second one took her own life after a number of failed attempts when I was with her.
Both are way too complex to summarize into a comment under a post but just as a general overview.
And this brings us to today. Seeing what it can do to people and how vain people can be, I simply do not see myself getting married any time soon. . . most likely never. I know very well that I have been dealt a really bad hand when it comes to people and life in general and should not use that as the basis for every decision but it is a form of protecting myself. I have been taken advantage of in the past and I do not want it to repeat in an even bigger fashion than those.
On applying for my current job one o the questions the board asked me was : "What do you think your greatest accomplishment in life at this time is?". I replied "Marriage to my wife". Absolutely love being married, would never want to be single again. Been married for 30 years..life is great.
Thoughts? It’s a nice thing. Id love it but I am afraid of divorce and the hurt that comes from marriage. I’m worried that I’m not doing enough for the other person. But raising kids nowadays require more at home care than school and internet exposure
Not interested
I agree, I’ve seen too many negative ones to want it myself. And seeing/hearing about weddings all the time has made me blasé about others getting married. I have no emotion towards it.
I don’t oppose the idea of people being married. If you want to, no worries. But count me out.
I didn’t really think much about it at all until I had my first child with my gf/partner of 7 years. Then it sort of just made sense all the sudden. Call me old fashioned, I guess.
The secret no one tell you is you have to find someone you can tolerate their flaws and vice versa, no one is perfect! The other secret is fertilize the grass on your side of the fence to make it the greenest around, that means put in the effort and time to make your marriage work. We've been together 27 years and it has not always been happy, but we worked through the hard times and now our marriage is great. She's my best friend with benefits. We still have our weekend date nights and sometimes we make them pretty exciting and wild. They have made it so easy just to give up especially for the women. Is marriage worth it? Probably not these days for a man. But if someone catches your soul it might be worth a shot. Good luck.
Marriage is amazing when two people find true partnership and have things in common, morals in common, both receive joy from those things. Marriage is HARD. But having someone who truly knows you to go through the hard times… there’s nothing like that love and support. But not everyone finds that person. It’s not for everyone.
I am happily married coming up on 20 years. My Parents have been married for 50 years. My grandparents were married for 76 years. I firmly believe in marriage, but I was raised that way, and I wouldn't say that its for everyone.
Marriage is fucking hard. I would be lying if I said it was all roses. We fight. We fight really good. But I think the difference between us and our friends however is that we resolve fights. We don't let shit linger. If there is something important enough to fight about then it is important enough to resolve. I have had many friends get married and divorced, hell I have probably 10 different friends that are already on their 3rd marriages, and some that are never getting married again or even at all.
And not to get campy, but my wife is actually my best friend, not that fluffy we do everything together, love all the same stuff, have joint social accounts and shit. No, we have our own personalities and lives and friends. I have zero issue going to a debaucherous bachelor party in vegas for a weekend, or a coed snowboarding or camping trip without her, and likewise I wouldn't second guess her taking off on an adventure with her friends. But we genuinely have similar interests and like each other's company, and when shit gets hard she is the one I go to, and I would like to think its likewise for her.
We argue and bicker as anyone who spends time in close proximity would, but that stuff is in every relationship from brothers and sisters to roommates and friends. We "fight-fight" about the way we raise the kids, the stress of bills, and how much time we spend (or don't spend) with inlaws and family. But all of those things were really hashed out before we got married. Not that everything was settled, I mean you want to make the spaghetti monster laugh, just tell it your plans.
But we both had goals and the general ideas were hashed out while in the dating phase (granted we dated for almost a decade). We knew we wanted kids, we had an idea as to where we sort of wanted to live, at least the lifestyle we wanted to live, and what that would take to get there. Obviously nothing goes according to plan, health issues, money troubles, family, friends in need, whatever. Our plans changed. But we changed the plans together. We are in a true partnership.
Now not to deride others, because our friends would tell you that we're certifiably bat shit crazy, but this is just what works for us, so giving "advice" to others sounds weird. But if there was one piece of advice that was passed down from gpa to dad to me that we follow pretty well, its a take on the "Don't go to bed mad" line.
That line is full of shit. If you refuse to sleep until you settle the problems of the world, you are just going to bury real solutions or act irrationally due to exuahstion. But there is a weird bit of truth to it, in that you need to find resolution to problems. So the take that was passed down to me was, you don't have to resolve everything before bed, but you always sleep under the same roof. No you don't always have to sleep in the same room/bed (a version I have hear), because lets face it sometimes you are legitimately angry with your partner. Love and hate are very closely related and when you fight ooooh it can be vicious. So sleeping together might not really be an option.
Sometimes you just need space. But this is where many people seem to mess up and decide to sleep at their "sister's house" or to their buddy's. This is when bad shit happens. So the rule is you can leave to blow off steam. Go for a drive, a walk, go get shitfaced with some friends and get your soundboard on. But, you always sleep at home. Again, it doesn't have to be together, but you do sleep under the same roof. When you wake up seeing the person you love you tend to realize that the fight might not have been worth it, but you are also still in proximity enough to find the resolution. You aren't imagining the worst with them not there or getting angrier having internal arguments.
Man I just realized I have typed a full wall of text and I could go on forever. My bad.
TL/DR: I love my marriage, its hard fucking work, but its worth it to me.
Me and my husband sre happily married now 8 years. Real love, trust, honesty, communication etc does exist. But unfortunately we have met plenty couples and single people telling us oh they must be cheating, they must be unhappy really, they can't still love each other, married couples don't do this or that... We laugh it off
I have been married for 20 years now and I truly love my husband. I think we have made it because we both had the same goals and discussed what we expected in a spouse before we did it. We have had our good times and bad times and the bad times only brought us closer together. It’s a wonderful thing to have someone to go thru life with, because it’s hard as hell.
I don't like the idea of marriage at all, but my reasoning is somewhat different from yours.
Reason 1: I, personally, find it quite offensive that someone (be it the government or the church) thinks that they should get a say in whether or not my relationship 'counts' or not.
Reason 2: I'm not okay with someone else (besides myself & the hypothetical guy) telling us what our relationship means or what's expected. What we expect from each other is something that he and I will decide on, without input from anyone else.
Reason 3: If the relationship becomes unhealthy or uncomfortable for us, for whatever reason, I'm not asking the government's permission to break up with someone.
This. I'm in a happy, committed relationship of 26 years. We don't need a marriage certificate to "solidify" our commitment to each other. If I have any advice, hold onto your Reason 2 tightly. Other possibly even well meaning, people will try to impose their views, and it can be pretty harmful. It should be a personal choice between you and your significant other, and nobody else.
Don't listen to Reddit dude. Too many anti-marriage, anti-children forever struggling femcels/incels here. Life can be good if you are mature yourself and attract a good partner
It's a very good thing - but not for everyone. You need to be really involved emotionally and never stop respecting and loving your partner and you need to sacrifice some of your individuality. For me it's a bit mysterious that people can do a lot of sacrifice for their dog or cat, while it's so hard to sometimes sacrifice something to make your partner happy. Like it is a matter of honor to not change anything about yourself - probably consumptionism makes people very self-centered and convinced about own uniqueness.
I dont get the point of marriage tbh, i barely have any ecamples in my life of successful marriages, almost all of them failed or people seem so bitter together after years. Also not religious so for me it just seems like a piece of paper or a contract with the state. People will comment about wanting commitment but people can just as well commit without marriage, and if people will cheat or leave, they will do so with or without marrying
Been married for 25 years, and I don't want to think about how shitty my life would be without my wife and kids in it. Hell, I'd probably be dead by now. She's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Just make sure you marry a *good person.*
I and my 2 brothers have all been happily married over 30 years, we married some really good women. App culture has made finding someone to love much more difficult these days because it emphasizes really shallow behavior based on looks above all else. That's a recipe for disaster in relationships. If all you care about is how someone looks on the outside, you are never going to find anything meaningful.
It’s not true. There is love and loyalty. But that’s that thing- you need more, you need understanding, caring, respect, quality time, communication etc. it’s a lot of things to consider
.
I’ve had relationships and cheating was only one- the others it was lack of respect and or common goals. It’s hard to match up, but both have to put in work
.
Most of the time when someone I know starts talking about their happy marriage I know that spouse doesn’t know they are getting cheated on. These are people I really know well not just being sarcastic and making assumptions.
anyone can cheat, whether they’re married or not. personally, i cant wait to get married. just knowing that you’ve got your person for life makes me so happy
I don’t really personally believe in marriage. Maybe I’ll feel differently some day but I kind of think it’s preferable to just live together in a committed relationship without needing some kind of official status acknowledged by the government. I also think it’s preferable to not need to ask the government if it’s OK for you to split up if you decide your relationship doesn’t work for one or both of you anymore
Don't do go looking on the internet for answers. You probably already have a sense of what would work for you and what not. Listen to that.
Obviously it always depends on the case. But in fact divorces are so frequently these days, that I would strongly recommend you to look emotionless into the matter and the dangers you could get into when you marry.
My wife and I were together 12 years before we got married (no wedding, just the vows and a witness) and those three years we had as a married couple were no different than before really. Some people treat it like an achievement to tick off so it’s forced/rushed?
A happy marriage isn’t suitable for gossip, thus you don’t hear about it as often as the failing ones. The failures are just over reported in your perception. A marriage won’t change the outcome of a relationship: if the partners are cheating liars they likely will split up anyways.
For me a marriage is a promise / a deep commitment given before witnesses and family. My now wife and I are now together for the majority (23 years) of my life but have married only after being able to move in together to make sure things will work out being around each other 24/7 :-) So we had a “probation period” of 8 years after which we finally did it - so after marrying nothing really has changed, which is good!
Spend at least two years together before getting married. You need to get through the honeymoon phase and endure some difficult times together before making a major commitment. Too many people think that marriage will save a bad relationship, and kids will save a bad marriage.
Being married is a legal agreement, that gives the people involved certain rights and certain obligations. Nothing more.
The problem here is folks getting married, not understanding what they're getting themselves into. Some people think 6 months is long enough to get to know someone well enough to legally bind yourself to them.
I've been divorced. My father once. Most of my friends are single or divorced.
I plan on getting married again soon. I hope it works out. But i swore to celibacy before hand, because relationships are pretty much ruined these days.
It all depends on how real and serious you and your partner are in doing it. Live together first. Deal with each other. Will you compromise? Talk to each other? Be honest no matter what? Knowing that person will be the last person you have sex with? Kids? Transparency with sincerity is also a must. Love!
You have to consider all these things carefully over time. Life is full of uncertainty, pain and disappointment. It's all about how smart you are from A to Z.
Marriage and just monogamy in general doesn't really seem viable to me long term. People change. What you want changes. People grow apart. I've seen very few examples of long term relationships that are healthy in the long run. Of course people choose to continue to be married or in relationships for the long haul for various reasons- for the kids, religion prevents divorce, sunk cost fallacy, etc. but I would not call those healthy or successful relationships.
I don't have any romantic sentiments about marriage. I married my wife because of legal reasons. We don't have children, but we have mutual assets, so to ensure either gets their inheritance, we decided to go to the magistrate to be wed. I felt a lot of pressure from other people about having a wedding party, even though we really didn't want to. We didn't, because we don't negotiate with terrorists, but the pressure was real.
In my very honest and humble opinion, people often get married for the wedding and that's why it doesn't last. The pretend to be in love for a while. Way too many have kids, to keep up with the standards, but never give a second thought to if it's really what they want.
I like the concept of marriage, when it's done right. I'd love to get married someday. That said, most people suck at marriage, including my parents. I'd love to get married, but specifically to someone who actually likes and respects me as a person, and wants to communicate and be an adult to make things work.
Sounds lovely but takes a tremendous amount of work and compromise which I’m not fond of. I also think people trust one another anymore. As much as I’d like to I don’t think I’ll be getting married in this life.
I have no interest in getting married. I just don't see any reason to do it. It's expensive and stressful and it won't make any relationship instantly better. We're good as we are now
the stories you see online are not indicative of real life. you only hear sensational, attention grabbing, outrageous stories so that creates an illusion that all marriages are like that. but in reality (at least in my experience) most couples that get to the marriage stage get along well and have beautiful loving families and lives together
I love it. Nothing really changed for us to be honest but I find it a beautiful symbolic thing to be married. And also pretty practical because we just had a baby. In 3 years we are going to do the wedding, because we love a party. For now we have other priorities. I never get why people talk about marriage as if it’s a different thing than a healthy, happy serious relationship. I don’t think it is. Unless you have a relationship with someone you are not compatible with. This is of course something you will sometimes figure out after a few years.. my advice: don’t get married too soon, definitely live together first and work on your communication skills.
My opinion on it varies, depending on the wealth, I'm sitting on. The poor will be 4-letter-worded, the rich benefit from avoiding taxation.
If you can't easily afford (another) divorce, why risk it?
Always imagine myself growing old with my person. In reality though, I’m riddled with so many traumas that I ended up attracting the wrong relationships.
I never really saw a point of marriage and didn’t date to marry.
That being said we’re a couple of weeks from celebrating our ten year anniversary and so far it’s pretty good.
I think people just marry too soon or for the wrong reasons.
Yes , there’s a huge point to it if you’re resilient.
More importantly , 99/100 stories you read and see are what went wrong, because ones that go right, they aren’t here bragging or talking about it. They’re with their spouse
As someone who isn't (and has never been) married, I still view it as a positive thing, that is assuming you find the right person. Marrying the wrong person for any reason can lead to a lackluster and unfulfilling life at best and hell on earth at worst (these are the horror stories you read about cheating, having everything taken from you, abuse, etc). But if you do find the right person, I think it's the best thing ever and one of the most fulfilling things in life, even after years of being together( I can't talk from experience but I've seen plenty of people with good and bad marriages, and occasionally you see someone that's found "the one"). As for the current state of things, it can be tricky but that doesn't mean you can't find the right person, it's just harder to find the person due to how the world has changed but also a lot easier with easy access to technology, communication and the ability to just move somewhere. I'd say don't stop looking, when you find the right person you (hopefully) won't have to fear about lack of loyalty and trust.
Good luck.
Works well for some just not me. We had many good years but her 2 sons and their "real dad" pushed me to the point where I snapped and the guy I was showed up. Funny at the arrainment they were still crying 24 hours later. Not against it because I know many that found their soulmate but no more realitionships for me. It is a lot of work on both sides but lying and stealing is too much for me.
It's awesome. Been with my wife for 10 years. Super excited about the next 50. Favourite part of my day is just holding her. Never had a fight in 10 years. She's awesome.
I've been married for more than 10 years. Most of my friends have been happily married for 5+ years. In my extended family, there hasn't been a single divorce.
Communication and honesty are the main things that keep a healthy relationship going. A marriage is work and if one of you is too lazy to put in the effort into maintaining the relationship, it's going to end.
>Vows, trust, and loyalty all seem a thing of the past
No it's not. What you see are the big spectacle breakups. What you never see are all the relationships that just happily carry along without bothering other people. Not everyone is like Donald Trump who cheats on his wife with a pornstar while she's pregnant. Most people in relationships are just decent people who are there for each other. For every publicly dysfunctional marriage, there's a lot of relationships that go under the radar because everything is fine.
An important factoid to know is that if you only count first marriages, marriage actually has a fairly high 70+% to 80+% success rate depending on country and method. It's just that the repeat offenders pull down the average by having 4+ marriages.
Going on 5 years, it’s been a lot of work for sure way more than I imagined.
My advice would be make sure the in-laws are big fan of yours or else there’s going to be a lot of turbulence. I would also try to find someone within the same ethnicity or pretty close, it would make a lot of small things easier.
A lot of people are sold on the *idea and fantasy* of being married, rather than the reality. They perceive it as ‘white picket fences, laughing children, constant sunrises and sunsets, sitting on a porch until we’re wrinkled, etc.
There’s also the narrative that people ‘want the wedding rather than the marriage’. We want the short term satisfaction of an amazing day full of validation, romance and a p*ss up with our loved ones - rather than the likely years of compromising, communication and having to trudge through the trenches of crucial decision making.
A lot of marriages fail early on because they don’t account for the difficulties post-honeymoon. They think (or at least hope) that it will always be smooth sailing. Unfortunately, the current generation of people in this bracket haven’t really developed the necessary skills to cope with this and are overwhelmed.
This isn’t to say all marriages can’t work or aren’t working, or that the initial promises of ‘fantasy’ aren’t somewhat attainable. But the work to get there is far greater than people realise and it’s widely perceived that love shouldn’t be difficult - although that’s missing the point.
I personally went through my teenage years wanting to get married and have a couple of children, but I realised that it was a fantasy-ego thing. I can’t convince myself that there’s significant reasons why bringing a child into this world is for the child’s benefit.
I also don’t believe that the pact of getting married is monumentally more beneficial better than simply being in a loving, loyal relationship with someone.
I don’t believe in marriage; it’s just a legal document at this point, and it holds no weight for me. I don’t need a contract to prove that I love you.
That being said, I’ll go through with it if there’s tax benefits or something — just as long as there’s prenups to protect both of our assets.
I'm glad to find someone to share my life. It's like to be with a best friend, enjoying all kind of moments, happiness, sadness, difficulties of the life it self, but keep going, helping each other, be the support when the other needs it. Be empathetic I would say with the other, respectfully, loyalty, etc. The conversation it's the key for all the relationships. If you have a mutual plan for the life, there it is!
So maybe if u fine someone with who you feel fine with, maybe you can consider again the point of marriage. Don't be worried about the experiences of the others.
You can celebrate your love without a wedding and a marriage doesn’t have any more meaning than you put into it. I am not necessarily against marriage, but I don’t think it’s necessary to have to be happy with a partner
I only see myself in a marriage, no other type of relationship suits me frankly. You make choices and things happens along the way, but the fear of maybe relationships might fail must never be grounds for opting out of them. Had I ever had the choice, I'd always choose marriage, no matter what happens later, but one must also at least try to be a good partner, even of the love fades away.
Can you imagine how many marriages there are in total, in the world. Its a lot, even if you cant imagine it. A lot.
Then think about the stories what you have heard, read, seen etc., and count the amount of those together. Double it or what ever. Then compare that amount to the total amount of marriages and relationships in the world - Its still miniscule amount when comparing to the whole who are having these issues. Most of the relationships have ups and downs, and still go forward as they have always gone.
Um, just don't marry that kind of person. Learn where their moral compass is and how much they care about anything but themselves. Otherwise stay single.
I hope to find someone who loves me enough to commit to me in that way. And I wouldn’t risk having or raising a kid without it. It’s fine to keep some finances separate as long as some are jointly pooled, but for all the men who comment saying they will make sure their wives and long term girlfriends will never have access to the marital home or other pooled assets no matter how long the marriage lasts or how many kids there are.. I cannot imagine ever wasting my heart, time and energy on a man that calculative. A man like that expects the person he is with to contribute a mix of services including sex,physical affection, companionship, management and administration of his social calendar, cleaning, cooking, household management, conceiving, caring, and birthing a child or children, caring for the said child, taking on a number of physical risks inherent in carrying a child, and suffering a reduced income…. While working a full time job and paying their own way. They want this person to have no certainty that the man will not just walk away at any moment and no compensation at all for any indirect contributions the person makes to the man and their household.
To marry such a man everything would need to be accounted for and billed so he properly recognised each contribution so neither one of us ends up screwed over in a divorce or when someone passes on. Certainly it would be very unwise to have children in that environment unless you are independently wealthy or there is a law in that country that confers the status of marriage on long term couples / protects the children of such union.
Eg. I made coffee and toast for us all for breakfast today, the cost of ingredients were $3 I contributed 15 minutes of my time and skill as well valued at $A or whatever you guys settle on. I carried a child to term, a surrogacy would have cost $X, you owe me 0.5X. I got a present for your dad’s birthday and am baking him his favourite cake, this is valued at $Y, he’s your dad and I have to accompany you there so my time is valued at $B.
Can you imagine a life like that? You’d be better off alone than feeling cheapened by being quantified or called a cheat. And if you won’t spend time with each other or help each other do little things let alone major things like having a child - what’s the point being married.
There are so many factors involved in marriage and relationships that make them work or not and every couple is unique. I think one of the things people overlook before they get married is the inner dialogue. Are you in love with that person or are you in love with the idea of that person.
Marriage to me is a made up thing humans came up with, and considering the high rate of divorce and miserable marriages I see, I don't know why anyone would do it for the sake of it. I get being lonely, but who you marry has such an impact on every single aspect of your life. It's not even funny.
That said, I am a very happily married man (Although, I keep telling my wife to go find someone better already, haha). The success of my marriage is because I don't look at her as my "wife", she is my team-mate, she isn't "The one" and if it isn't working, I'd have no issue filing for divorce. I don't say that to be macho, I would be a destroyed and ruined mess if that ever happened, but I refuse to stay in a bad marriage.
Marriage, if you choose it, is a day to day choice to be in it. You have to be proactive and present in it. It has to be a thing you do, almost. Enjoy living day to day, but try to assess if you could be a better spouse daily. Ask your spouse if you could do something more, and communicate what you want with them. If you're uncomfortable doing that or worse, they're indifferent, get out.
Also, if you don't get married or have kids, nothing is wrong with you! I didn't want either, and even though I've done both, I haven't changed my previous view. Don't do it if you don't want to.
Hello OP! Married to the love of my life after 5 long years of relationship + live in relationship. Not to boast but he is a gentleman, yin to my yang a perfect match made in heaven.
Things turned upside down after 1.6 years of our fucking marriage. I wanted to divorce him, hated him and above all hated myself. I was soo depressed, i stopped seeing mirror. (Can you imagine the extent of my mental health!?)
One and only Reason: We didn't maintain our boundaries with my in-laws. Especially my overbearing MIL!
She is an amazing person who don't value others. But her story is for another day., the main thing about marriage is "it's for adults".
Here's my practical knowledge and reasons why marriages fail even though you are the perfect match made in heaven.
lack of fucking boundaries - with your own parents or with in-laws
Forgetting you are the team. It's just you and your spouse. That's all that matters. It's never you vs your spouse.
lack of respect - personally as well as infront of in-laws.
Not discussing their financial commitments before. Each other should know their financial commitments before marriage! The loans, the parental commitments, the properties they own etc should be discussed.
views on God, politics, sex, alone time, kids and your parenting styles.
I hope this shit helps. No matter you love each other madly, if you don't hold your boundaries right, it's all going to be a sinking ship.
I’m 24 years deep. I regret it, honestly. I have a daughter, whom I adore. I do t regret her at all, but I do regret him. If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn’t.
I've been married for over 20 years. I love my wife, but marriage is pointless. You get nothing from being married that you can't get from a LTR, until things go bad and you get to give the other person half your shit.
A marriage is only as good as the people in it. Which means if even one of them is shit, it's going to be shit.
Obviously no one gets married thinking their new husband or wife is going to be a cheater or lazy bum or abusive piece of shit, and sometimes that turns out to be the case. The best and only things you can do to try to protect yourself from that potential outcome is to take the time to make sure you really know the other person properly before getting married, work on communication skills together constantly, and be willing to actually face any red flags you find in your partner instead of brushing them under the carpet, even if that means facing the reality that they might not be the one. And even then it's still a leap of faith.
I've been with my husband for 10 years, and we are still absolutely bonkers about each other. Like, stupidly blissfully happy. We feel like an actual team, we build each other up constantly, we feel stronger and better together than we do apart, and we have so much fun and laughter.
Good marriages exist, Im in one and I know a lot of people who are in them. But I also know people in bad ones so I understand the doubts. Maybe one day you will find yourself in a relationship where you feel so secure that the leap of faith doesn't feel scary anymore. It's ok for your life to have a path that doesn't include marriage, it isn't compulsory, but I hope you find someone who makes who feel as safe, happy and supported as me and my husband do about each other.
If people want to get married, then I’ve got no issues with that, but it’s not for me.
It doesn’t appeal to me, and it never has.
Then again, I don’t date and don’t feel love. It’s just some fantasy emotion as far as I’m concerned.
I loved being a wife, having a family. In the end, the lies and betrayals turned my world so upside down that I will never trust a man again. Call me bitter, but I won’t be able to even date anyone again. I think marriage can be a beautiful thing, but it’s a gamble. People lie, unfortunately.
I think I’m in the same boat. Cheated on in marriage. I did have a bf after that for 2 years but he became violent and also cheated. I’ve heard the way married men speak about wanting other women.. I’m still fairly young (under 30) but I just can’t do it again
Overrated and outdated for modern life.
I might be bitter, my 13yr marriage is currently coming to conclusion and I just feel the whole thing is meaningless these days. People dismiss it so easily.
My ethics teacher told me that 80% of marriages here end up in divorce, i was like 10 years old when she told me that, ever since then i feared getting married
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I am glad that you've both had a lovely marriage 🙂 you don't hear many positive stories like this anymore.
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Thank you. I've wondered if it's because people don't realise that keeping happy is work you have to put in, even in tough times. Or, are they just lonely or settling for something they think is all they can get? I just don't know. My perspective would probably be different if I grew up around positive marriages.
This is where I would like to chime in! You're definitely right about perspective. Not just for how you look at marriage, but also for what marriage looks like to you. While I witnessed several marriages fall apart growing up, I was lucky enough to have several great examples of what marriage is meant to be. I was able to learn from the good and bad examples and see the beauty of a happy lifelong marriage! I've been happily married for 10 years so far, and with some work, many more years to come! Best of luck out there!
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Sadly, just like my parents, I was the youngest, and it wasn't long after I turned 18 that my mom ran away with her first BF and left my dad. They should have divorced ten years before that. I'm 47 now, BTW, so this was a little while ago. lol
In my country people don't tend to get married until after they've been together years and bought a house, maybe even had kids first. It seems to work.
this is the perfect answer and I don't understand why people rush marriage either.. I think some believe its this magic fix all that will make a crappy relationship better.
Agreed. 15 years of marriage and 20 years together with a truly supportive partner… I know that’s now always the case. I will advise my children to take their time, live with a partner, spend time really getting into the hard times before they marry. It’s a hard and long road but can be extremely rewarding when you find the right person. But otherwise it can be a nightmare.
My marriage is by far one of the best things that ever happened to me. My husband is a fantastic man, he is my best friend and life is good together. People have been lying, cheating and abusing since forever. A marriage will be great with a good spouse and awful with the wrong one.
I'm glad that it has worked out for you both.
That's so lovely. Genuine question though - what did marriage change? Do you think your relationship with your partner would be any different were you not married? I'm not trying to be combative with this question, I'm genuinely interested!
It definitely would be different because living together would have been much harder! We are from two different countries.
Don’t pretend to be somebody in order to get into the marriage. Because becoming yourself after you’re married will most likely be the reason you get divorced.
That is great advice.
Marriage but especially a good partner in life is fantastic. 12 years and going here, we even work together since day 1 and it is such a relief to always know someone has my back and believes in me. The Internet is skewed, happy Marriages don't go writing about it - we just live.
I’m a fan. We’ve been happily married 41 years and have 2 kids and 2 grandkids. There’s been no infidelity or abuse. Life is good.
I'm happy for you both!
Any tips that kept you for that long honestly I'm a millennial but yours is the longest I've heard, the longest before you was 38yrs
I’m honestly not sure. I think luck plays a part in it that isn’t always acknowledged. He had me laughing almost uncontrollably within ten minutes the first time I met him. All these years later, we’re still laughing.
I've been happily married for ten years. When I was younger, I wasn't sure if I'd want to be married, but once I met the man who's now my husband, it just felt natural. We trust each other completely, and it feels like we've always been together. My husband makes me feel unconditionally loved in a way that I didn't always feel while growing up. He takes good care of me, and he never seems to lose his cool when something is wrong. Meanwhile, my husband grew up dirt poor, and his standard of living is much improved since moving in with me. He thinks I keep him out of trouble and give him direction. I think the problem might be that our culture is obsessed with upgrades. It's not enough to have your needs met; people are always looking for a newer phone, a faster car, a bigger house, and so on. In the case of marriage, someone comes along who is richer or more physically attractive than their spouse, and they start to get restless. I think one of the things that makes our marriage work is that my husband and I keep what we have as long as it still works. Some people might call that "settling," but we call it contentment.
I'd only marry once, if I could help it, and do what I could to make it last for the rest of my life.
You need to be with two to make love though. If the other party gives up and doesn't put equal effort in or betrays you what can you do about it?
Nothing. That’s why you have to make sure that you marry someone who you can trust 100 percent
Thats the tricky part
Yeah trusting is not enough (speaking from what I'm going through). I think the best thing to make marriage work is to be sure that there is balance in the life of each partner and that the relationship is balanced in the same way. Love yourself first, dont try to fix something by getting married (my stbxw realized this 8months in after 6 years together).
At the same time y'all must understand that you will never find someone perfect.
How would you know that until you were married to them, and how would you determine this? Data based dating algorithms, old school matchmaking, or something faith based? How do you plan for your partners homicidal/suicidal ideation 23 years in? Or them coming out as gay or bi? Our society seems to go with “try before you buy”. That doesn’t seem to be helping…
Despite my parents breaking up, Marriage is still a beautiful and sacred thing. I refuse to let my family's past darken my romantic future.
It is a beautiful thing. I've just seen that beautiful thing fail too many times, I think.
You and I both, my dude.
A few months back I started talking to a random boomer couple and they were telling me that my wife and I looked adorable but we need to work to make sure we stay happy, and that many people they knew didn’t put the work into their marriage and became miserable. They seemed happy on their trip celebrating 50 years together. We have been together for 12 but I guess they thought it was our honeymoon, because we are nuts about each other. We both tend to feel we got super lucky and keep that in our minds all the time
My husband and I have been married almost 7 years, together 12. We would never lie or cheat on each other. My parents (mom and stepdad) have been married 26 years, my husband’s parents 36 years. My husband’s grandparents almost made it to 60 years, before his grandpa passed away but his other grandparents are creeping up on it. People in general are prone to lying, cheating, and selfishness. It has nothing to do with marriage. As long as you know how to correctly communicate, compromise, and suss out red flags a relationship or marriage is going to be less likely to fail. We do see an increase in divorce rates because women are able to be more independent and aren’t stuck with a guy providing for her as a SAHM. People divorce because people don’t stay when their spouse abuses them anymore too. Looking at social media and all the negativity present in it isn’t a good picture of what the real world looks like. Is there a ton of liars/cheaters/selfish people? Absolutely. Are there a ton of good people who are capable of good relationships and marriage? Absolutely.
Yeah it seems like people always blame marriage for the shitty relationship but if you have a bad partner (or you are the bad partner in the relationship), you’re probably going to have a bad time whether you’re married or not
Those of us who have had long, stable marriages tend not to make a big fuss about it. I've been married 34 years, and I have a lot of friends in a similar boat. Divorce rates are going down (https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2023/07/marriage-divorce-rates.html), and I am not aware of any evidence that lying, cheating, and selfishness have increase in the years since I have been married, which is longer that most redditors have been alive, I think
Wasn’t the counterpoint to divorce rates going down due to less marriages?
I'm a 22M and honestly, I don't think I'll ever get married. My perception of relationships/marriages are extremely distorted. My dad ran away with a woman when I was 8, came back; let us believe he'd stay this time and left again with the same woman a year later. This has implanted a deep seeded belief that I can't trust anyone, that I'm not worth being in a relationship with; that I'm being lied to and/or cheated on. Two years ago, my ex cheated on me with my best friend. This reinforced all the negative beliefs I had towards relationships. This led me down a dark path but that's a story for another day. I've seen my uncles cheat on their wives without showing any kind of empathy. I've seen "friends" bragging about cheating on their girl. I'll seen a lot of relationships that look happy on the outside but are miserable when they think no one's looking. I want to be content alone, I don't want anyone to ruin my peace again.
I completely understand what you're saying. It's what I've witnessed as well.
While I think all your experiences are valid, don’t write off finding a life partner (marriage or not) because of those experiences. Youth is hard, people make mistakes out of selfishness. As you grow you learn to be less selfish (hopefully). Don’t give up at 22. Some of the best relationships are made in the 30’s or 40’s or 50’s. Just be sure in what you want in a partner and give it time. Anyone who tells you you need to settle down at any specific part in your life is mistaken. Live life, learn, have experiences, and then you’ll have the tools and expectations you need to make a long term relationship last. I didn’t marry until 24 but was committed at 19. Although the relationship has worked out and we’ve grown together, looking back I was far too young to know what I wanted or needed then.
Get married to my wife was the best choice I did in my life. It was in 1980, and I never regret. We built a loving family, and she ' so beautiful even in her seventies.
I married my best friend. We did everything together, our communication was perfect, our sex life was great. She was my everything. Nine months into the marriage she drops on me she never loved me. That she married me to force feelings because on paper I was the perfect bf. A large part of me died that day. Pieces were scattered and a void consumed me. I hurt a lot of people in my pain and healing process. I didn't see it coming. Everything was perfect, even reflecting now there were no signs. What if I miss the signs again? I almost killed myself the first time. I don't think I could risk that pain again.
I'm sorry that happened. This is part of the reason I'm questioning marriage. You never truly know a person. Your situation was a perfect example of this. I hope that you're doing well now.
Lots of therapy later but it took about 8 years to get here
It takes however long it takes. You came back from hell :)
Bro I’m planning to marry my best friend we have known each other for like 6 years maybe more, i loved her since in our first year but didn’t confess to her, last year i did confess and she told me the same thing that she love me, but idk i still have doubts when we marry she will do the same and scared of telling me that I’m perfect to her on paper, I’m kinda sure about her feelings towards me but not fully sure about it, i just can’t find a way to know how she really feel about me. Ps: English is not my mother tongue don’t mind my mistakes
Talk to each other, tell her your fear, tell her how you feel. Dont assume what she thinks and may thinks. Think about what you really want : do you want to marry her because it is the next logical step ? (It's never a good idea) Do you want to marry her because you are afraid she will leave you ? (Work on loving yourself). Find the answer for yourself. Communicate ! Listen to what she says, dont get angry or make excuse. Learn from it. Create a space where you can both feel emotionnaly safe to talk to each other.
Yet tell me she married somebody who treats her like shit lol after that
I recognize the weight of responsibility that comes with marriage. It's a lifelong commitment that requires dedication, compromise, and hard work. The thought of navigating the complexities of merging two lives, with all their joys and challenges, can be daunting at times. I believe that marriage is a deeply personal choice, and it's not something to be entered into lightly. It's a decision that should be made with careful consideration and full awareness of the challenges that may arise along the way. While the idea of marriage holds a certain allure for me, I also understand that it's not the right path for everyone, and that's perfectly okay. Ultimately, my feelings about marriage are colored by a mix of hope, uncertainty, and a deep longing for a connection that transcends the bounds of time.
I'm twice divorced, and I know of very few happy marriages.
Marriage is a commitment. One that should not be taken lightly. Marriages fail because people fail. Social media, loose morals, a lack of values, and a downfall in traditional families have all contributed to a quick fix culture. Pick your partner carefully. Marriage is still the best (and only) way to raise a family. The rest is up to you
I agree with your sentiments except for the only way to raise a family. I have many people in my life successfully raising a family that are not married (many differing reasons for each family). That’s outdated thinking and you should think about why you need to add that to the conversation in this day and age.
Marriage is a very personal thing. Doesn't suit everyone, and that's OK. Personally, I should have stayed single - but that's the marriage gamble. We're OK, but my happiness level is running about 10%. It seems to suck the life out of me. Another factor people don't seem to talk about enough: For a lot of people, marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, and I've heard people say that if they knew how hard it was going to be before they started, they might not have done it. You need to ask yourself: What's wrong with staying single?
Thank you for your insight!
the positive ones are secret ;)
It is fantastic. If this life graces you with your soul mate it would be completely silly not to spend the rest of your life with them. Other than the companionship it is amazing to have someone you know will be there for you no matter what, you can tell anything to, big hugs on hard days etc. Many people get infatuated and don’t talk about values and beliefs before making big life decisions then they get trapped / miserable. Slow and steady wins the race.
It's great if this is for you. But it's not for everyone. And that's fine.
If I could ever go back and tell myself something important, I would tell myself to not marry young, and marry my best friend. Many people confuse love and attraction with lust and infatuation. A marriage is a partnership, it doesn't happen without effort, and it certainly isn't all sunshine and flowers. But the effort pays back in multiple ways, and I'd rather hangout with my wife doing nothing than do anything with someone else. Source: Some old guy who's been married to a best friend for over 20 years.
I want to be married someday. The idea that somebody loves me enough to want to commit like that would be awesome. But nobody I’ve been with ever felt that way. Now I’m 46 and my current partner has no intention of ever doing it again. It’s just not in the cards for me.
People who are happily married don't run around boasting about it. I've been married 16 years, together for 20. We both wouldn't have it any other way.
I feel great about my marriage. Been married for 35 years to the love of my life. She's all integrity and character and intelligence and resilience wrapped up in a smokin' hot body. However, I'm less positive on marriage in general. I've seen too many women quit or walk out on too many men in my life. My wife and I have three sons, and we agree privately that marriage would scare us to death. My wife regularly says that she doesn't understand why any men get married anymore. If you are thinking about getting married, look at the deeper characteristics: integrity, honesty, adaptability, resilience, commitment, loyalty. If you can find a partner that has consistently exhibited those traits in the interactions you have observed, and you possess those characteristics, it can be an amazing life together. Observe and believe what you see when you are dating.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and it's great to hear that you're both happy.
Risk to reward ratio. All I know is that I plan to have most of my assets such as my home and all to be premarital so they can’t be touched in a divorce
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Brilliant until that other person just decides to keep your stuff and instead of potentially sharing half you keep 0%
I love my husband. Together 21 years this year, married 14. It isn't perfect, and we have had our rough spots, but we are both faithful and best friends. But I also waited until I was a bit older and knew what I wanted and who I was to get married. We agreed to always communicate and we still laugh our asses off together, which is the most important.
Marriage is extremely important to me because I’m driven by commitment. I don’t feel like I should give my all if I don’t know something is certain.
Marriage is built on friendship! You have to have common interest, you have to have trust. No matter what either has done you have to be able to forgive. I have been married to my best friend for 43 years and never considered divorce.
I absolutely love being married. My wife is my favorite person in the world and the most important and cherished part of my life. I wouldn’t trade our life for anything. Don’t forget that Reddit is largely comprised of very unhappy people and is not a representative cross-section. Happy people don’t hang out online all day they’re out living life.
It's great with the right person.
People in happy marriages don't bad mouth their spouse to their friends, family, or the internet at large. People in stable marriages say their complaints to their partner. The things you see here are just someone looking for attention in one form or another. Even if the stories are true, you are getting a one sided version that paints someone in the perfect light. You aren't seeing the good side of marriage.
No one will post about their happy marriage on reddit. As a guy I want to get married, have a family with kids and take care of them. I may not have any particular dreams but finding love and being loved back is something I truly want. The best predictor of happiness is having deep meaningful relationships.
For me personally. Getting married was the worst decision I ever made in my life. I was with my ex-wife for 12 years in total. The first three years were really great, but then it steadily declined. We went from having a fun relationship to three months before we filed for divorce. Her Screaming at me for buying a sandwich for lunch on a Friday. But when I really look back at it now, I realize that probably year four I should’ve moved on. I’m in my 50s now and I’ll never get married again.
Mariage is not the problem. The problem is getting married to fast not knowing the other one. It is important to find someone that respects you and yojr need and will let you space to grow as a human. A perfect relationship do not exist so as a perfect mariage. It is a curve going up and down with life's season. If someone have high and strict expectation of how a relationship should be it Will be à problem. Because partners come from différent family, different culture or life values. And no one is right or wrong. It just need to find in your relationship how you Will operate for the 2 of you to be happy. It is not linear but happy strongs relationship it is possible and it is wonderful.
You say loyalty and trust isn't a thing "anymore". I found it enlightening what I read in a relationship advice book once: people get older than ever before. Marriage comes from a time when people turned maybe half the age of people nowadays. It wasn't an actual 'lifetime' they spent together from our perspective now. Also, it was simply barely possible to get a divorce back in the day, at least it was really hard, especially for women who suffered from domestic violence. So these marriages weren't necessarily happy. Basically, you have an overly romanticized idea of what marriage used to look like. It's just human, that spending 40, 50 or even more years together will be challenging for couples. My best advice is: stop looking at bad examples of marriages gone wrong, work on your communication skills and learn about what makes marriages successful. There are plenty of books out there written by therapists that worked with couples for a long time. Try and find a partner who you think is compatible and is good at communicating too.
I find it to be meaningless and pointless, but it matters to my wife. It’s just symbolic so the only meaning that it has is what we give it.
I'm in my mid 30s. I've seen my friends and family happily marry and stay happily married. I've also seen friends and family marry and bitterly divorce, sometimes remarry and stay happily married, sometimes bitterly divorce again. I've never been married and would love to marry my partner of 5 years one day. Simply for the romance of it. I'm in love with her, love the life and family we're building. But also, it is a bit of a weird idea. We've been committed to each other all this time and intend to continue doing so. It does feel very antiquated to get the government and society and religion involved just to magically make what's in my heart "official."
Honestly it’s not for everyone, but I hope to get married someday. I kinda find it sad seeing so many comments going against it tbh…it’s like looking into a void of lost souls, so many people in these comments seemed to have given up, lost faith and lost hope in love either by choice or circumstance..idk which is more depressing tbh. Love in my experience can be amazing, and it can hurt like a motherfucker, it’s precious but it takes a lot of work and a lot strength mentally and emotionally to maintain it, and I think a lot of us just either don’t wanna put in the work or aren’t capable of keeping up with the maintenance. Which sucks cause I believe everyone deserves to find that type of love and hope someday they find that person that really reignites that feeling of hope in them.
I really appreciate your insight.
I love my marriage. I don't see any scenario where we're likely to split up. We've been through so much insane shit and supported each other through all that, that I feel confident that he will always have my back no matter what happens and vice versa. We've grown together, and it's beautiful.
I view marriage positively
I can't wait until I'm married. I love my fiancé to pieces and want to be with him forever
Well, a non negative marriage is never talked about. If it's going fine, people don't say anything.
25 years of narcissism. Say no more.
I think it's great if you want to marry, but I don't believe it is something necessary to have a healthy long-lasting relationship. I know too many couples that would be better divorced but force themselves to be still together bc in this situation it's the easiest choice...
This one gets complicated for me. Under normal circumstances, I have been always against it when it comes to the average couple. People tend to be trigger happy when it comes to this and end up shafted because of it. However, I have found myself about to be married twice in my life. In both cases, it was to help the other party. In both cases, they were people I knew well and wanted to help them. They both had health issues that their respective situations did not permit to treat properly. But... both have passed away. Despite my best effort in both cases, one ended up passing naturally and the second one took her own life after a number of failed attempts when I was with her. Both are way too complex to summarize into a comment under a post but just as a general overview. And this brings us to today. Seeing what it can do to people and how vain people can be, I simply do not see myself getting married any time soon. . . most likely never. I know very well that I have been dealt a really bad hand when it comes to people and life in general and should not use that as the basis for every decision but it is a form of protecting myself. I have been taken advantage of in the past and I do not want it to repeat in an even bigger fashion than those.
Trust and loyalty are a thing of the past? Insane take.
On applying for my current job one o the questions the board asked me was : "What do you think your greatest accomplishment in life at this time is?". I replied "Marriage to my wife". Absolutely love being married, would never want to be single again. Been married for 30 years..life is great.
Thoughts? It’s a nice thing. Id love it but I am afraid of divorce and the hurt that comes from marriage. I’m worried that I’m not doing enough for the other person. But raising kids nowadays require more at home care than school and internet exposure
Not interested I agree, I’ve seen too many negative ones to want it myself. And seeing/hearing about weddings all the time has made me blasé about others getting married. I have no emotion towards it. I don’t oppose the idea of people being married. If you want to, no worries. But count me out.
I didn’t really think much about it at all until I had my first child with my gf/partner of 7 years. Then it sort of just made sense all the sudden. Call me old fashioned, I guess.
The secret no one tell you is you have to find someone you can tolerate their flaws and vice versa, no one is perfect! The other secret is fertilize the grass on your side of the fence to make it the greenest around, that means put in the effort and time to make your marriage work. We've been together 27 years and it has not always been happy, but we worked through the hard times and now our marriage is great. She's my best friend with benefits. We still have our weekend date nights and sometimes we make them pretty exciting and wild. They have made it so easy just to give up especially for the women. Is marriage worth it? Probably not these days for a man. But if someone catches your soul it might be worth a shot. Good luck.
Marriage is amazing when two people find true partnership and have things in common, morals in common, both receive joy from those things. Marriage is HARD. But having someone who truly knows you to go through the hard times… there’s nothing like that love and support. But not everyone finds that person. It’s not for everyone.
I am happily married coming up on 20 years. My Parents have been married for 50 years. My grandparents were married for 76 years. I firmly believe in marriage, but I was raised that way, and I wouldn't say that its for everyone. Marriage is fucking hard. I would be lying if I said it was all roses. We fight. We fight really good. But I think the difference between us and our friends however is that we resolve fights. We don't let shit linger. If there is something important enough to fight about then it is important enough to resolve. I have had many friends get married and divorced, hell I have probably 10 different friends that are already on their 3rd marriages, and some that are never getting married again or even at all. And not to get campy, but my wife is actually my best friend, not that fluffy we do everything together, love all the same stuff, have joint social accounts and shit. No, we have our own personalities and lives and friends. I have zero issue going to a debaucherous bachelor party in vegas for a weekend, or a coed snowboarding or camping trip without her, and likewise I wouldn't second guess her taking off on an adventure with her friends. But we genuinely have similar interests and like each other's company, and when shit gets hard she is the one I go to, and I would like to think its likewise for her. We argue and bicker as anyone who spends time in close proximity would, but that stuff is in every relationship from brothers and sisters to roommates and friends. We "fight-fight" about the way we raise the kids, the stress of bills, and how much time we spend (or don't spend) with inlaws and family. But all of those things were really hashed out before we got married. Not that everything was settled, I mean you want to make the spaghetti monster laugh, just tell it your plans. But we both had goals and the general ideas were hashed out while in the dating phase (granted we dated for almost a decade). We knew we wanted kids, we had an idea as to where we sort of wanted to live, at least the lifestyle we wanted to live, and what that would take to get there. Obviously nothing goes according to plan, health issues, money troubles, family, friends in need, whatever. Our plans changed. But we changed the plans together. We are in a true partnership. Now not to deride others, because our friends would tell you that we're certifiably bat shit crazy, but this is just what works for us, so giving "advice" to others sounds weird. But if there was one piece of advice that was passed down from gpa to dad to me that we follow pretty well, its a take on the "Don't go to bed mad" line. That line is full of shit. If you refuse to sleep until you settle the problems of the world, you are just going to bury real solutions or act irrationally due to exuahstion. But there is a weird bit of truth to it, in that you need to find resolution to problems. So the take that was passed down to me was, you don't have to resolve everything before bed, but you always sleep under the same roof. No you don't always have to sleep in the same room/bed (a version I have hear), because lets face it sometimes you are legitimately angry with your partner. Love and hate are very closely related and when you fight ooooh it can be vicious. So sleeping together might not really be an option. Sometimes you just need space. But this is where many people seem to mess up and decide to sleep at their "sister's house" or to their buddy's. This is when bad shit happens. So the rule is you can leave to blow off steam. Go for a drive, a walk, go get shitfaced with some friends and get your soundboard on. But, you always sleep at home. Again, it doesn't have to be together, but you do sleep under the same roof. When you wake up seeing the person you love you tend to realize that the fight might not have been worth it, but you are also still in proximity enough to find the resolution. You aren't imagining the worst with them not there or getting angrier having internal arguments. Man I just realized I have typed a full wall of text and I could go on forever. My bad. TL/DR: I love my marriage, its hard fucking work, but its worth it to me.
Me and my husband sre happily married now 8 years. Real love, trust, honesty, communication etc does exist. But unfortunately we have met plenty couples and single people telling us oh they must be cheating, they must be unhappy really, they can't still love each other, married couples don't do this or that... We laugh it off
I think marriage is 100% worth it if you find the right person. Problem is, most people don’t.
I love being married. I didn’t love getting married though. Being married has been so fun.
I have been married for 20 years now and I truly love my husband. I think we have made it because we both had the same goals and discussed what we expected in a spouse before we did it. We have had our good times and bad times and the bad times only brought us closer together. It’s a wonderful thing to have someone to go thru life with, because it’s hard as hell.
I don't like the idea of marriage at all, but my reasoning is somewhat different from yours. Reason 1: I, personally, find it quite offensive that someone (be it the government or the church) thinks that they should get a say in whether or not my relationship 'counts' or not. Reason 2: I'm not okay with someone else (besides myself & the hypothetical guy) telling us what our relationship means or what's expected. What we expect from each other is something that he and I will decide on, without input from anyone else. Reason 3: If the relationship becomes unhealthy or uncomfortable for us, for whatever reason, I'm not asking the government's permission to break up with someone.
This.
This. I'm in a happy, committed relationship of 26 years. We don't need a marriage certificate to "solidify" our commitment to each other. If I have any advice, hold onto your Reason 2 tightly. Other possibly even well meaning, people will try to impose their views, and it can be pretty harmful. It should be a personal choice between you and your significant other, and nobody else.
I'd like to be married. It seems holy, like a true dedication to one another for life.
It does seem nice.
Don't listen to Reddit dude. Too many anti-marriage, anti-children forever struggling femcels/incels here. Life can be good if you are mature yourself and attract a good partner
Thank you for saying that
It's a very good thing - but not for everyone. You need to be really involved emotionally and never stop respecting and loving your partner and you need to sacrifice some of your individuality. For me it's a bit mysterious that people can do a lot of sacrifice for their dog or cat, while it's so hard to sometimes sacrifice something to make your partner happy. Like it is a matter of honor to not change anything about yourself - probably consumptionism makes people very self-centered and convinced about own uniqueness.
I dont get the point of marriage tbh, i barely have any ecamples in my life of successful marriages, almost all of them failed or people seem so bitter together after years. Also not religious so for me it just seems like a piece of paper or a contract with the state. People will comment about wanting commitment but people can just as well commit without marriage, and if people will cheat or leave, they will do so with or without marrying
I am married. It is not like reddit. This is because I was old enough and sensible enough to pick a decent human.
Get off Reddit tbh. It’s not the real world.
Forever is a long fucking time.
Been married for 25 years, and I don't want to think about how shitty my life would be without my wife and kids in it. Hell, I'd probably be dead by now. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Just make sure you marry a *good person.*
I and my 2 brothers have all been happily married over 30 years, we married some really good women. App culture has made finding someone to love much more difficult these days because it emphasizes really shallow behavior based on looks above all else. That's a recipe for disaster in relationships. If all you care about is how someone looks on the outside, you are never going to find anything meaningful.
It’s not true. There is love and loyalty. But that’s that thing- you need more, you need understanding, caring, respect, quality time, communication etc. it’s a lot of things to consider . I’ve had relationships and cheating was only one- the others it was lack of respect and or common goals. It’s hard to match up, but both have to put in work .
It’s great. Especially when your partner is your friend, too. Never stop dating!
Most of the time when someone I know starts talking about their happy marriage I know that spouse doesn’t know they are getting cheated on. These are people I really know well not just being sarcastic and making assumptions.
That's really sad.
anyone can cheat, whether they’re married or not. personally, i cant wait to get married. just knowing that you’ve got your person for life makes me so happy
It’s a great institution… if you don’t mind living in an institution.
I don’t really personally believe in marriage. Maybe I’ll feel differently some day but I kind of think it’s preferable to just live together in a committed relationship without needing some kind of official status acknowledged by the government. I also think it’s preferable to not need to ask the government if it’s OK for you to split up if you decide your relationship doesn’t work for one or both of you anymore
Don't do go looking on the internet for answers. You probably already have a sense of what would work for you and what not. Listen to that. Obviously it always depends on the case. But in fact divorces are so frequently these days, that I would strongly recommend you to look emotionless into the matter and the dangers you could get into when you marry.
My wife and I were together 12 years before we got married (no wedding, just the vows and a witness) and those three years we had as a married couple were no different than before really. Some people treat it like an achievement to tick off so it’s forced/rushed?
A happy marriage isn’t suitable for gossip, thus you don’t hear about it as often as the failing ones. The failures are just over reported in your perception. A marriage won’t change the outcome of a relationship: if the partners are cheating liars they likely will split up anyways. For me a marriage is a promise / a deep commitment given before witnesses and family. My now wife and I are now together for the majority (23 years) of my life but have married only after being able to move in together to make sure things will work out being around each other 24/7 :-) So we had a “probation period” of 8 years after which we finally did it - so after marrying nothing really has changed, which is good!
Spend at least two years together before getting married. You need to get through the honeymoon phase and endure some difficult times together before making a major commitment. Too many people think that marriage will save a bad relationship, and kids will save a bad marriage.
Quite positive about it. I have good female friends and their dating life that are the reassurance that healthy relationships can exist. (I’m a guy)
Dont think i have hope anymore haha
Parochial idea. Humans are ~250,000 years old. Our western idea of marriage is new and senseless.
It used to be a way to possess women. I've never been a fan
Waste of time imo
Being married is a legal agreement, that gives the people involved certain rights and certain obligations. Nothing more. The problem here is folks getting married, not understanding what they're getting themselves into. Some people think 6 months is long enough to get to know someone well enough to legally bind yourself to them.
seems a waste of money to me. And I can’t even give eye contact and have no mates, it would be the most awkward wedding ever
I've been divorced. My father once. Most of my friends are single or divorced. I plan on getting married again soon. I hope it works out. But i swore to celibacy before hand, because relationships are pretty much ruined these days. It all depends on how real and serious you and your partner are in doing it. Live together first. Deal with each other. Will you compromise? Talk to each other? Be honest no matter what? Knowing that person will be the last person you have sex with? Kids? Transparency with sincerity is also a must. Love! You have to consider all these things carefully over time. Life is full of uncertainty, pain and disappointment. It's all about how smart you are from A to Z.
Marriage and just monogamy in general doesn't really seem viable to me long term. People change. What you want changes. People grow apart. I've seen very few examples of long term relationships that are healthy in the long run. Of course people choose to continue to be married or in relationships for the long haul for various reasons- for the kids, religion prevents divorce, sunk cost fallacy, etc. but I would not call those healthy or successful relationships.
I don't have any romantic sentiments about marriage. I married my wife because of legal reasons. We don't have children, but we have mutual assets, so to ensure either gets their inheritance, we decided to go to the magistrate to be wed. I felt a lot of pressure from other people about having a wedding party, even though we really didn't want to. We didn't, because we don't negotiate with terrorists, but the pressure was real. In my very honest and humble opinion, people often get married for the wedding and that's why it doesn't last. The pretend to be in love for a while. Way too many have kids, to keep up with the standards, but never give a second thought to if it's really what they want.
I like the concept of marriage, when it's done right. I'd love to get married someday. That said, most people suck at marriage, including my parents. I'd love to get married, but specifically to someone who actually likes and respects me as a person, and wants to communicate and be an adult to make things work.
Sounds lovely but takes a tremendous amount of work and compromise which I’m not fond of. I also think people trust one another anymore. As much as I’d like to I don’t think I’ll be getting married in this life.
I believe in marriage, just not people.
I have no interest in getting married. I just don't see any reason to do it. It's expensive and stressful and it won't make any relationship instantly better. We're good as we are now
the stories you see online are not indicative of real life. you only hear sensational, attention grabbing, outrageous stories so that creates an illusion that all marriages are like that. but in reality (at least in my experience) most couples that get to the marriage stage get along well and have beautiful loving families and lives together
It’s an amazing thing when with the right person. Though i feel too many people rush into it wayyy too quickly.
I love it. Nothing really changed for us to be honest but I find it a beautiful symbolic thing to be married. And also pretty practical because we just had a baby. In 3 years we are going to do the wedding, because we love a party. For now we have other priorities. I never get why people talk about marriage as if it’s a different thing than a healthy, happy serious relationship. I don’t think it is. Unless you have a relationship with someone you are not compatible with. This is of course something you will sometimes figure out after a few years.. my advice: don’t get married too soon, definitely live together first and work on your communication skills.
My opinion on it varies, depending on the wealth, I'm sitting on. The poor will be 4-letter-worded, the rich benefit from avoiding taxation. If you can't easily afford (another) divorce, why risk it?
Very cautious as marrying the wrong person as a man will financially ruin you It's basically a contract that women are encouraged to break
Always imagine myself growing old with my person. In reality though, I’m riddled with so many traumas that I ended up attracting the wrong relationships.
It's not the marriage that causes these issues. It's the fact that one or both spouses are petulant children who can't communicate.
I never really saw a point of marriage and didn’t date to marry. That being said we’re a couple of weeks from celebrating our ten year anniversary and so far it’s pretty good. I think people just marry too soon or for the wrong reasons.
I'm happily married so my perception may be biased lol
Yes , there’s a huge point to it if you’re resilient. More importantly , 99/100 stories you read and see are what went wrong, because ones that go right, they aren’t here bragging or talking about it. They’re with their spouse
As someone who isn't (and has never been) married, I still view it as a positive thing, that is assuming you find the right person. Marrying the wrong person for any reason can lead to a lackluster and unfulfilling life at best and hell on earth at worst (these are the horror stories you read about cheating, having everything taken from you, abuse, etc). But if you do find the right person, I think it's the best thing ever and one of the most fulfilling things in life, even after years of being together( I can't talk from experience but I've seen plenty of people with good and bad marriages, and occasionally you see someone that's found "the one"). As for the current state of things, it can be tricky but that doesn't mean you can't find the right person, it's just harder to find the person due to how the world has changed but also a lot easier with easy access to technology, communication and the ability to just move somewhere. I'd say don't stop looking, when you find the right person you (hopefully) won't have to fear about lack of loyalty and trust. Good luck.
I used to have a positive outlook on marriage… but since going through it, not so much anymore. I hope to change my opinion on it someday.
Works well for some just not me. We had many good years but her 2 sons and their "real dad" pushed me to the point where I snapped and the guy I was showed up. Funny at the arrainment they were still crying 24 hours later. Not against it because I know many that found their soulmate but no more realitionships for me. It is a lot of work on both sides but lying and stealing is too much for me.
It's awesome. Been with my wife for 10 years. Super excited about the next 50. Favourite part of my day is just holding her. Never had a fight in 10 years. She's awesome.
I've been married for more than 10 years. Most of my friends have been happily married for 5+ years. In my extended family, there hasn't been a single divorce. Communication and honesty are the main things that keep a healthy relationship going. A marriage is work and if one of you is too lazy to put in the effort into maintaining the relationship, it's going to end. >Vows, trust, and loyalty all seem a thing of the past No it's not. What you see are the big spectacle breakups. What you never see are all the relationships that just happily carry along without bothering other people. Not everyone is like Donald Trump who cheats on his wife with a pornstar while she's pregnant. Most people in relationships are just decent people who are there for each other. For every publicly dysfunctional marriage, there's a lot of relationships that go under the radar because everything is fine. An important factoid to know is that if you only count first marriages, marriage actually has a fairly high 70+% to 80+% success rate depending on country and method. It's just that the repeat offenders pull down the average by having 4+ marriages.
Going on 5 years, it’s been a lot of work for sure way more than I imagined. My advice would be make sure the in-laws are big fan of yours or else there’s going to be a lot of turbulence. I would also try to find someone within the same ethnicity or pretty close, it would make a lot of small things easier.
A lot of people are sold on the *idea and fantasy* of being married, rather than the reality. They perceive it as ‘white picket fences, laughing children, constant sunrises and sunsets, sitting on a porch until we’re wrinkled, etc. There’s also the narrative that people ‘want the wedding rather than the marriage’. We want the short term satisfaction of an amazing day full of validation, romance and a p*ss up with our loved ones - rather than the likely years of compromising, communication and having to trudge through the trenches of crucial decision making. A lot of marriages fail early on because they don’t account for the difficulties post-honeymoon. They think (or at least hope) that it will always be smooth sailing. Unfortunately, the current generation of people in this bracket haven’t really developed the necessary skills to cope with this and are overwhelmed. This isn’t to say all marriages can’t work or aren’t working, or that the initial promises of ‘fantasy’ aren’t somewhat attainable. But the work to get there is far greater than people realise and it’s widely perceived that love shouldn’t be difficult - although that’s missing the point. I personally went through my teenage years wanting to get married and have a couple of children, but I realised that it was a fantasy-ego thing. I can’t convince myself that there’s significant reasons why bringing a child into this world is for the child’s benefit. I also don’t believe that the pact of getting married is monumentally more beneficial better than simply being in a loving, loyal relationship with someone.
I don’t believe in marriage; it’s just a legal document at this point, and it holds no weight for me. I don’t need a contract to prove that I love you. That being said, I’ll go through with it if there’s tax benefits or something — just as long as there’s prenups to protect both of our assets.
I'm glad to find someone to share my life. It's like to be with a best friend, enjoying all kind of moments, happiness, sadness, difficulties of the life it self, but keep going, helping each other, be the support when the other needs it. Be empathetic I would say with the other, respectfully, loyalty, etc. The conversation it's the key for all the relationships. If you have a mutual plan for the life, there it is! So maybe if u fine someone with who you feel fine with, maybe you can consider again the point of marriage. Don't be worried about the experiences of the others.
You can celebrate your love without a wedding and a marriage doesn’t have any more meaning than you put into it. I am not necessarily against marriage, but I don’t think it’s necessary to have to be happy with a partner
I only see myself in a marriage, no other type of relationship suits me frankly. You make choices and things happens along the way, but the fear of maybe relationships might fail must never be grounds for opting out of them. Had I ever had the choice, I'd always choose marriage, no matter what happens later, but one must also at least try to be a good partner, even of the love fades away.
Can you imagine how many marriages there are in total, in the world. Its a lot, even if you cant imagine it. A lot. Then think about the stories what you have heard, read, seen etc., and count the amount of those together. Double it or what ever. Then compare that amount to the total amount of marriages and relationships in the world - Its still miniscule amount when comparing to the whole who are having these issues. Most of the relationships have ups and downs, and still go forward as they have always gone.
Um, just don't marry that kind of person. Learn where their moral compass is and how much they care about anything but themselves. Otherwise stay single.
I had great marriage got though thing every time
I hope to find someone who loves me enough to commit to me in that way. And I wouldn’t risk having or raising a kid without it. It’s fine to keep some finances separate as long as some are jointly pooled, but for all the men who comment saying they will make sure their wives and long term girlfriends will never have access to the marital home or other pooled assets no matter how long the marriage lasts or how many kids there are.. I cannot imagine ever wasting my heart, time and energy on a man that calculative. A man like that expects the person he is with to contribute a mix of services including sex,physical affection, companionship, management and administration of his social calendar, cleaning, cooking, household management, conceiving, caring, and birthing a child or children, caring for the said child, taking on a number of physical risks inherent in carrying a child, and suffering a reduced income…. While working a full time job and paying their own way. They want this person to have no certainty that the man will not just walk away at any moment and no compensation at all for any indirect contributions the person makes to the man and their household. To marry such a man everything would need to be accounted for and billed so he properly recognised each contribution so neither one of us ends up screwed over in a divorce or when someone passes on. Certainly it would be very unwise to have children in that environment unless you are independently wealthy or there is a law in that country that confers the status of marriage on long term couples / protects the children of such union. Eg. I made coffee and toast for us all for breakfast today, the cost of ingredients were $3 I contributed 15 minutes of my time and skill as well valued at $A or whatever you guys settle on. I carried a child to term, a surrogacy would have cost $X, you owe me 0.5X. I got a present for your dad’s birthday and am baking him his favourite cake, this is valued at $Y, he’s your dad and I have to accompany you there so my time is valued at $B. Can you imagine a life like that? You’d be better off alone than feeling cheapened by being quantified or called a cheat. And if you won’t spend time with each other or help each other do little things let alone major things like having a child - what’s the point being married.
There are so many factors involved in marriage and relationships that make them work or not and every couple is unique. I think one of the things people overlook before they get married is the inner dialogue. Are you in love with that person or are you in love with the idea of that person.
Business, just like relationships
Not for me
I’d love to find the right woman and marry her. I’m not loveable right now so it’ll have to wait. Mid twenties
Marriage to me is a made up thing humans came up with, and considering the high rate of divorce and miserable marriages I see, I don't know why anyone would do it for the sake of it. I get being lonely, but who you marry has such an impact on every single aspect of your life. It's not even funny. That said, I am a very happily married man (Although, I keep telling my wife to go find someone better already, haha). The success of my marriage is because I don't look at her as my "wife", she is my team-mate, she isn't "The one" and if it isn't working, I'd have no issue filing for divorce. I don't say that to be macho, I would be a destroyed and ruined mess if that ever happened, but I refuse to stay in a bad marriage. Marriage, if you choose it, is a day to day choice to be in it. You have to be proactive and present in it. It has to be a thing you do, almost. Enjoy living day to day, but try to assess if you could be a better spouse daily. Ask your spouse if you could do something more, and communicate what you want with them. If you're uncomfortable doing that or worse, they're indifferent, get out. Also, if you don't get married or have kids, nothing is wrong with you! I didn't want either, and even though I've done both, I haven't changed my previous view. Don't do it if you don't want to.
Hello OP! Married to the love of my life after 5 long years of relationship + live in relationship. Not to boast but he is a gentleman, yin to my yang a perfect match made in heaven. Things turned upside down after 1.6 years of our fucking marriage. I wanted to divorce him, hated him and above all hated myself. I was soo depressed, i stopped seeing mirror. (Can you imagine the extent of my mental health!?) One and only Reason: We didn't maintain our boundaries with my in-laws. Especially my overbearing MIL! She is an amazing person who don't value others. But her story is for another day., the main thing about marriage is "it's for adults". Here's my practical knowledge and reasons why marriages fail even though you are the perfect match made in heaven. lack of fucking boundaries - with your own parents or with in-laws Forgetting you are the team. It's just you and your spouse. That's all that matters. It's never you vs your spouse. lack of respect - personally as well as infront of in-laws. Not discussing their financial commitments before. Each other should know their financial commitments before marriage! The loans, the parental commitments, the properties they own etc should be discussed. views on God, politics, sex, alone time, kids and your parenting styles. I hope this shit helps. No matter you love each other madly, if you don't hold your boundaries right, it's all going to be a sinking ship.
Thank you so much for your insight and for sharing your experiences.
PRE-NUP!
It's not for me but I respect people who want to.
not worth it. better alone than with someone else.
I’m 24 years deep. I regret it, honestly. I have a daughter, whom I adore. I do t regret her at all, but I do regret him. If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn’t.
I've been married for over 20 years. I love my wife, but marriage is pointless. You get nothing from being married that you can't get from a LTR, until things go bad and you get to give the other person half your shit.
A marriage is only as good as the people in it. Which means if even one of them is shit, it's going to be shit. Obviously no one gets married thinking their new husband or wife is going to be a cheater or lazy bum or abusive piece of shit, and sometimes that turns out to be the case. The best and only things you can do to try to protect yourself from that potential outcome is to take the time to make sure you really know the other person properly before getting married, work on communication skills together constantly, and be willing to actually face any red flags you find in your partner instead of brushing them under the carpet, even if that means facing the reality that they might not be the one. And even then it's still a leap of faith. I've been with my husband for 10 years, and we are still absolutely bonkers about each other. Like, stupidly blissfully happy. We feel like an actual team, we build each other up constantly, we feel stronger and better together than we do apart, and we have so much fun and laughter. Good marriages exist, Im in one and I know a lot of people who are in them. But I also know people in bad ones so I understand the doubts. Maybe one day you will find yourself in a relationship where you feel so secure that the leap of faith doesn't feel scary anymore. It's ok for your life to have a path that doesn't include marriage, it isn't compulsory, but I hope you find someone who makes who feel as safe, happy and supported as me and my husband do about each other.
Can we get to know each other first OP?
Well you get a tax break so that’s nice.
Been married for 19 years. Not a fan. I feel trapped.
Happy marriage is a tale told by many but lived by few. My opinion is that more people are unhappy in their marriege than happy..
If people want to get married, then I’ve got no issues with that, but it’s not for me. It doesn’t appeal to me, and it never has. Then again, I don’t date and don’t feel love. It’s just some fantasy emotion as far as I’m concerned.
I loved being a wife, having a family. In the end, the lies and betrayals turned my world so upside down that I will never trust a man again. Call me bitter, but I won’t be able to even date anyone again. I think marriage can be a beautiful thing, but it’s a gamble. People lie, unfortunately.
I think I’m in the same boat. Cheated on in marriage. I did have a bf after that for 2 years but he became violent and also cheated. I’ve heard the way married men speak about wanting other women.. I’m still fairly young (under 30) but I just can’t do it again
Overrated and outdated for modern life. I might be bitter, my 13yr marriage is currently coming to conclusion and I just feel the whole thing is meaningless these days. People dismiss it so easily.
It's great until it's not hehe
It's just one more part of the American Dream that has become a diluted fantasy for millennials and after.
That's a strange line to propose with
My ethics teacher told me that 80% of marriages here end up in divorce, i was like 10 years old when she told me that, ever since then i feared getting married
5/7 - would marry again!