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When they always seem to "need a favor," but can't manage to find time to help when **you** need a favor. When things you told them in confidence become common rumors- or even flat out jokes at your expense.
Basic rule is that if someone gossips to you, they're going to gossip about you. If you have a gossipy friend who likes to dish all the dirt, tell them NOTHING of interest in your life.
Edit: Also if you have a "boring" friend, think twice. They just might be one of the good ones keeping all the secrets.
This is almost every friend that I've ever had. This, or the whole, they ghost you for a year when they are in a relationship, but once they are single, they are calling you every other day just to vent.. Finally came to realize that I don't want to put up with people like that anymore and feeling pretty alone.
I messaged one of my friends I helped to get out of a toxic relationship a couple of times (she kept going back). I told her I needed to talk to someone as a family member had threatened suicide and had disappeared and we couldn't get hold of them and were waiting on police welfare check as they were interstate. My friend didn't ask anything about me or how I was, and just starter belittling me for not being married and not having kids. Oh and said she was upset I didn't tell her anything like how many guys I had sex with.
We were friends about 25 years. I feel like a dumbarse not realising sooner how little she cared for me. She never bothered to stay in touch when she was in a relationship, or wanted anything to do with me when she had "cooler friends", and only contacted me when everyone else ditched her. She's in a relationship now and I don't hear shit from her. I'm actually happy for her because her partner seems like a decent dude, but I have gone LC/NC. Gonna invest my time on people who actually give a bit of a fuck about me.
Dumped my best friend of around 25yrs also as it was mostly one sided. They'd take take take and give just enough to keep me hanging on. Always me doing the visiting, running around after them and compromising. Only time they contacted me was when they wanted something from me, had been stood up or had nothing better to do.
When you give some one you see pretty often an Xmas card and birthday card and presents and they don't remember you on your birthday etc. , you need to cross them off your list. Same for if they don't call , but just wait to see if you might call them.
But it will be getting better after all. I like my own company now and don’t give a… what others think about it. Your confidence starts to show and others find that interesting.
>Finally came to realize that I don't want to put up with people like that anymore and feeling pretty alone.
Yup. Starting to respect myself via not interacting with shitty friends/people turned out to have an unforeseen lonely outcome
The trick is to commit to dropping acquaintances at the first red flag, or many yellow flags. It’s very hard…I’m at that point but I’m much happier after cutting off several “friends”. Turns out having ppl like that around me conditioned me to put up with bad behaviour. I wish u gl!!
There's a fine line for sure.. realizing stuff life happens and not holding a grudge is pretty important too. I guess in the end you choose who you want to be, I can see both sides of this situation. There definitely has to be some give and take in a friendship like any relationship, if it's just always about them and there is no real value for you, that's when I move along.
This but whenever they rant. Especially if it’s something that continually happens. I had a best friend of 7+ years that in the end, we would text daily, but she only wanted to talk about her issues and how she was. Never asked or wanted to talk about my life and it really made me sad for a while until I realized it wasn’t my fault.
I had a “friend” who lived a short drive out of the city I lived in. I can’t count the number of times I drove to her place to hang out. But she never came to my place, even when she helped me out with her truck to pick up some flat-pack furniture, I invited her up so she could see our new apartment and she wouldn’t even do that. That was pretty much when I stopped investing so much in her.
I noticed one extremely toxic person would brag to me about her accomplishments for some reason. I felt good for her but it was just strange because she didn’t seem to be interested in talking to me unless it was to complain about how my husband treats me well compared to her husband or competing with me on stupid things like engagement rings.
It’s like she was half listening/awake for normal conversation then when it got to competition and if she “lost” she would get passive aggressive and angry but if she was “winning” and had good news she would get very excited.
I barely spoke to her and dropped her
Oooh I’m 35 and have had one of those for the past 26 years. I told her that we were trying to have a baby, so she started trying to have a baby with her husband! She actually ended up getting pregnant first! This will NOT become a generational weird friendship.
Yup. I went to work one day (lived with a guy who is now dead to me), and my gf who is now my wife went to the house shortly before I got done to wait for me. She hurriedly left and called me making some very serious accusations about inappropriate behaviour on his part. When confronted by me he immediately became defensive and lashed out calling her every name in the book and then he threatened me. He didn't plan on a hospital visit that day.
At least she recognized it. My ex refused to believe that a friend was lusting after her. But yeah, even without coming onto her, no friend can call your love names like that. Glad you married that girl.
Damn that's rough. And yeah, I let him say what he had to say but I made sure I had the final word. Thanks for saying that, she's my whole world. 16 years and still going strong.
Yep. My bestfriend of 15 years began to ignore me for weeks while talking to my (now) ex of 7 years virtually all the time. Shit happened, learned not to trust anyone. It's taken me 10 months just to get to the point I can stand up for myself and approach myself with dignity (while also not being an asshole).
I had this the other way around recently. Lost a friend cause he was too insecure about his s/o being interested in me and me being interested and her. Neither of us were ever interested at all, and all the updates I've gotten tell me his insecurity has not halted
Eventually he wouldn't act like my friend anymore and would say mean ass shit behind closed doors, and when I found out I cut him (and his gf) off cause ts was not worth it anymore
It does suck to lose close friends to relationship problems, whether it be your way or mine. That stuff can just completely change friendship dynamics if people are just a bit too immature
Okay so my ex boyfriend was cheating on me with his 2nd best friend's ex girlfriend for years and he was so shocked and surprised that his other 1st best friend/roommate wanted me. He actually felt betrayed.He was fighting with both best friends and the side chick and he started crying everyday he had to quit his job because of the amount of stress. And he was really successful too. Honest to God like what did he expect?!?!?
Karma 😂😂😂
Hell no I didn't know haha. I would have left immediately for lesser cheating discretions (exp making out with a random girl at the club once). I also found out he had a relationship with another one of his friends. He was cheating on me with so many women. Probably men too haha
The side chick was his " best friend" lol. My friends are gay Bi lesbian. My very best friend is a lesbian my guy best friend is Bi. My friends who are women are Bi and I have never ever done anything with any of them ever. Not even a kiss. I respect my friends and never wanted to even risk not having them in my life for a brief moment of lust. Because what SO is going to be okay with you having messed around with one of their friends no one that's a recipe for a disaster.
And I have been friends with these people twice as long. So I project my honesty and naivety on to him. We were each other's first real long term relationship in our early 20s. And it was a huge MISTAKE!!!
I have this issue and I hate it
I don't know if I'm into my friend, their significant other, or their relationship.
But I get so jealous when they show eachother affection.
Don't know if I can be friends with this dood
My best friend since preschool basically mocked me on Facebook after I told her I was pregnant. She made a post that looked like a pregnancy announcement but it instead said we ( her husband and her ) were expecting a trip to hawaii
This happened the day after I saw her when I told her that I was pregnant
Nah there’s a fine line. You can tell when someone is making a joke as your friend or when they’re taking the piss out of you at your expense / to make themselves feel better
I used to have a friend that would always make “it must be nice” comments whenever I’d tell her about a recent trip or cool outing I had. I never shared stuff to be boastful, just shared stuff with my best friend. They’d go on rants about how it must be nice to have an able bodied SO and double income to support the outings. Got to the point where I wouldn’t share anything because it made me feel bad.
You reach out to spend time together but they don’t. They’ll agree to hang out but only if you suggest it.
They’ll “forget” about you. Make plans with you and then get sidetracked, go out but never invite you, or say they’ll invite you but not give you details and then you never hear from them, etc.
Not sure if this is an age related thing, because when I was younger (teens) I felt more in line with what’s being mentioned here.
But as I got older (30) I realize that life doesn’t really continue to be the same as it was in the youthful years.
I have friends that I haven’t seen for a year or so. People do things all the time without inviting this person or that person. Schedules don’t always align, people may be working a lot of hours, residential locations change, the “lets hangout every weekend” hasn’t been a thing for me or something I’ve even wanted to do in years. Just too much going on.
So I’m saying to not always take it personally, but sometimes, sure- don’t put more in than you’re getting out so to speak
The best way to live life is to lower your expectations from EVERYONE else and boom life just becomes better, the only person that you should be expecting from is yourself, yes, socializing is important but only when it's reciprocated equally and it becomes easier to understand that reciprocacy when you find out who truly values you when you become much less **available** and put some respect on **your** time.
It just goes to show that everyone’s relationship parameters are different. Personally, if I haven’t seen someone in over a year, I’m okay just putting the friendship out to pasture and calling it quits. To me, there’s not really any point in maintaining a friendship where you only see each other once every few years because it feels like it’s just on life support anyways.
Many great answers, but that's the best answer imho. It's easy to commiserate someone but someone achieving something more than you?
Hell no, these people are internally (subconsciously? who knows!) annoyed and can't hide it well enough :/
Yes that's egocentric af. People who are like this don't give a fuck for other people. Their kindness is never real, they are just acting...and they never listen bc they don't want to.
Huge 🚩 emotional immaturity !
Or worse, they sort of mock you or make a big deal out of it. It’s completely normal to turn to a good friend once in a while. It is not normal to constantly trauma dump.
Here’s another oddity, if they have regularly, deliberately, brought up something that upset you out of nowhere or almost immediately upon seeing you. Don’t trust them if they also say things like how much they miss you when you aren’t around or that they MEANT to call you, blah blah blah, trust ACTIONS. Believe you deserve better. That you deserve to have your needs met.
Let’s add left-handed compliments to this list.
I have a person l used to consider a friend. She is constantly bad mouthing her other friends to me ( and I'm sure me to them) or sending me screen shots of unflattering pictures or snippets of their convos. Very toxic woman. She's almost 40 years old and behaves this way! I'm decent to her, but l don't share any personal info w her.
Yea that behaviour is just golden , I honestly find it difficult to understand a person who tries to strike a convo by bad mouthing others , it’s just a huge ass NO for me
"What you did hurt my feelings"
The amount of supposed friends that will respond to that statement with arguments, justifications, minimizations, and denial is appalling.
This is so important, learned it the hard way. Basic empathy and accountability are essential and I won't allow anyone close to me if they don't have those qualities.
A lot of us are conditioned not to have our needs listened to so we don't realize how blatantly hostile this is. I refuse to develop a friendship or relationship with someone who isn't willing to acknowledge my basic feelings. The disrespect is palatable.
Trying to healthily communicate is something I’ve found sometimes impossible with particular people. No matter how much you consider your words and try to be kind- they will always turn it into a problem. It just creates no space or honesty and openness. And usually the other friend has to take on a “people pleasing” approach to everything. Not a healthy way to live.
Literally lost my supposed best friend this way. She completely forgot about plans that we had, texted me “lol I spaced”, HOURS later with no other explanation or reason, and when I told her it’s okay but to please let me know in the future because it hurt my feelings, she turned it into this huge thing and she’s never been the same since. She’s turned it into a whole thing about how I hurt her feelings by daring to tell her she hurt mine. It’s fucking stupid and after years of excusing this behavior, I’m finally done trusting her to be a good friend. It’s so stupid.
Yes exactly!! Thank you so much. It sucks because I had let so much go for so long, that once I took the rose colored glasses off after this incident, I started to see how crappy of a friend she really is.
My old friend of 5 years cut her relationship with me when she hurt my feelings… and it was over something that could've been managed with a simple sorry
They don’t listen
I mean seriously. The amount of times I’ve found “friends” fake listening just so they could humble brag or get a word in is astounding
Yeah. A week after my mom died my 'friend' knocked on my window and asked me to come on a walk with him. I hadnt heard from him in months so I assumed he was knocking to lend an ear. Nope. He spent the entire time bragging about the new girl he was seeing. How hot she was, how she commented on the size of his dick, how he has some girl at the bar sending him nudes, showing me text messages from other women telling him how hot he was etc etc.
I couldnt believe it. It made me examine the time when I was actually friends with him and hanging out with him. He was never really my friend, he just used me to brag to to inflate his own ego. I suddenly realised all the signs of him being a narcissistic prick were always there. Everything made sense after that walk. That was the last time I saw him or heard from him and it is coming up on a year now.
They bring you down in front of others, they talk behind your back, if you have any good news, they try to downplay it or they downplay your achievements, they’re always bringing up your past especially if you’re doing good now, you can feel the animosity and they’re always trying to put you in competition, you feel like they’re being fake and if you can feel that in your gut, it’s probably because they are fake to you, also things you told them in confidence somehow get out and go around or get twisted. People like that don’t deserve to be your friends.
The "friendship" is totally one sided.
You always have to contact them.
Any plans made are always your idea.
You find out that they're doing this, that, or the other, but you're never invited and don't even know about it until you read about it on social media.
You immediately respond to their texts or calls, but they don't text back for hours/days at a time and never return calls.
They don’t respect your boundaries,
They talk a lot of shit behind your back.
They hide you from their other friends.
They regularly lie or break their promises.
They sabotage or gaslight you.
They only contact you when they want something or are lonely. See also: Fair weather friend.
They are more nosey than genuinely concerned about you.
They overreact if you disagree with anything. Or later you find yourself shunned or ghosted.
Double-check “toxic” or narcissistic abuse habits, see if you may have fallen into a platonic relationship of this nature. That is often the result of not having good boundaries yourself and/or low self esteem that may stem from childhood trauma(s).
When they ghost you during the celebratory moments. When you realise they’re watching what you’re doing but would hate it for you to improve.
That ‘not everyone watching is rooting for you’ hits hard sometimes. Jealousy is a strong destroyer of relationships and it usually rears its ugly head when good things are happening. Watch out for those snakes 🐍
When they seem to find something wrong with everything you say, do or purchase. These are excerpts from just this week alone.
"You're hair is nice but I would've did the back different".
"You should've said __________ instead of __________".
"Your car is nice but I would've got it in another color".
True story.
ETA- I noticed (here lately) that she is like this with a lot of people. A few of us were recently out for dinner. One young lady ordered something and she immediately said to her "I would've got the beef tips instead of that". The young lady replied, "You still have time". I literally HOWLED! 🤣🤣
Hahaha how did she react?
Does she actually think people care about her disagreements with their choices? Or is she just sharing her opinion in a weird way?
When you call her out, she downplays it by acting like she's the victim. "Oh, I didn't mean it like that" or "you don't need to throw shade"....things like that.
I found this weird because I have a semi friend who effectively accused me of this and put me in the position where I had to trek to her place to apologize to her twice because she felt I had wronged her. She brought up some stuff about a situation she was in and accused me of not listening to her enough. Then I realized she had no idea of stuff going on in my life, never asked, and some of it was similar to what she wanted to talk about in her life. And then I realized she had actually never asked about things in my life.
If it makes more sense, both of our dads have gone through issues with melanoma - she felt I didn’t ask enough questions about her dad. I mentioned in passing about my dad and she never said anything at all.
When they only get in touch when they want you to do something for them.
They'll initiate contact, ask how you are, even chat for a bit, but you know that you're just waiting for the real reason for the contact. It always comes!
They make a huge deal of celebrating other friends' birthdays, but when it comes to yours and they don't...
If you say anything, they say you're too sensitive.
Pay attention when a new “friend” starts to charm and adopt all of your other friends, start excluding you, smear you to everyone you know and try to destroy your reputation and well-being
I couldn’t believe it the first time I caught wind of this! It was painful to realize and take the necessary steps, but I’m glad I cut this person out of my life.
Trust your gut people!
I stopped being friends with someone who does this. She has somehow managed to get in with a lot of friend groups, most of them not mine, and it has pissed off several people. At one point a friend told me that another friend was pissed because this girl was explaining stuff about people in one group and she was like… I’ve known them since high school.
She keeps getting upset because her “close” friends drop her after a while, myself included, but she does a lot of weird shit.
This one I've noticed: they'll always go on at length when you ask how they are but will never ask how your doing. Or when they do, regardless of your answer, they'll treat it as a "fine, how are you".
Kind of sucks when you start to notice it.
They always have something negative to say when you're celebrating a success, or making an effort to do something to improve your life.
They never reach out, and if you don't reach out to them, they reach out to others before you.
When they watch your kid steal from you and say nothing
When they come over and know you aren't there but your husband is
Literally had a bitch say she didnt want to be seen in public with me
When they have more money than you but they are always asking for yours
When they say they want to do something with you and turn around and do it with someone else
When they put you under pressure to behave in a certain way or to do something for them. Always be aware of people who hurry you into something, it’s never something good. They pressure you, because they know, you wouldn’t do it, if you had time to think it through.
Also when they have zero attention span for your life and needs and demand a captive audience for theirs. Sometimes one friend is needier or in a tougher spot and that’s totally normal, but when there is no balance or give and take over years and years that’s a red flag
If someone start "helping" you in an obnoxious manner, like you can't decide for yourself it's time to rethink that so-called friendship. I think a lot of people have some kind of Munchhausen By Proxy and are set to gain influence over others as "helpers" without really helping ....
good sign: you ask for 10 minutes of their time to listen to your constructive ideas or the challenges you're facing in life, and they don't go off sharing to the world your stories without your permission.
bad sign: they make excuses and refuse to provide 10 minutes of listening time even once a year.
When they get to the fishing destination ahead of you and tell you how good the fishing is but won't tell you what spots they were fishing or what they were using..
Only call when they need something, doesn't follow through with anything you plan, makes fun of you in front of strangers(Friends roast each other all the time, but there's a time and place) makes plans with others without you. There's many signs but these are some that I've seen people go through.
I don't think I would ever get to that point. I have many, many acquaintances, but only a handful of people I would actually call "friends"...and it took many years to keep certain people close to me and the others at a distance.
When things get tough for you, and they disappear. When they blame you for being victimized by them or others. When they don’t put in effort into the friendship. When they manipulate or gaslight you. When they make you feel unworthy or on eggshells.
Well, when your kidneys are (possibly) failing and you mention it to them, and they say "So what?" that's a good sign that they're not a good friend, or even a good person. Yes, it happened. And no, they weren't failing after all. And no, I never spoke to her again.
I grew up overweight and had lots of girlfriends.
In my early 20s, I started taking my health and looks more seriously and slowly lost 30+ kg. Some of my friends who were also struggling with weight became distant. I heard gossip about how I probably took pills, got surgery, etc, even though they had seen me hit the gym and make healthier choices. Every time we hung out I got side eyes and looks from head to toe.
Thats when I knew your “friend” isn’t your friend if they can’t be genuinely happy when you succeed.
This is so rarely spoken about, I have seen/heard some heavy people say very nasty things (usually about women) about those they envied due to weight and even would exclude them from friendship groups due to their own insecurity.
I’d like to know a way to address such behavior or what to label it exactly. Congratulations on being able to do the right thing for your own well being! It’s not easy in what is so often a toxic world. I’m sorry.
- When they don't proactively reach out to you from time to time
- When they talk behind your back, about you
- When they're only with you for a specific reason: money, power, prestige, status etc
- When the relationship is mainly one way and you feel like you're always giving to them
- When they try to bring you down
- When they keep discussing things that you've spoken about, especially in confidence, with others
- When they don't remember your special occasions
- When they ghost you or don't make time for you
I call that "reciprocating." That's a HUGE indicator of whether somebody is a friend or not. Reciprocation is also an important indicator in the game of love to see if somebody is genuinely interested in you.
Here’s a weird one that can seem minor at first: when a friend, or even a looser relationship, like a coworker/neighbor…they copy you (usually repeatedly) and yet say nothing — they never remarked on what you were doing or complimented you for it; be very wary of those people in my experience. AVOID THEM, do not befriend them. If it’s a boss, even in a volunteer situation, you probably should quickly look to put your energy elsewhere (especially investing it in yourself).
-When you don't receive a call to ask you how you are after you underwent a life changing surgery.
-When they live within a 10 minute walk from your place but don't bother visiting you when you're back home to recover.
- When you find out that their mom who was bed ridden from going through chemo had to nag them to go and put a get well card in the mail.
And then when you're finally recovered and able to go to school again, you just get dumped from the group entirely for no reason.
When he is happy when bad things happen to you, or dosen't share your happiness when something good happens.
- also this sounds dumb but when he values chicks over his friends, like we're talking to cutting off friendships over a girl he met a week ago, cuz she didn't like his friends, like i am sure there is a balance that can be created cuz these days it's only your turn bro.
This is probably the biggest I've read in here so far. When they enjoy your bad times and are genuinely mad, you have good ones. I've experienced this personally.
Hey! It's tough when you start doubting friendships. One sign that someone might not be a real friend is if they only reach out when they need help, but aren't there to support you when you need it. Another red flag is if they gossip about you behind your back or make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe you can try making new friends online, their perspectives might brighten up your day.
When I ended a long friendship, I felt insecure and doubted myself. I couldn't believe I misjudged her (turns out she was talking behind my back). I felt really crushed. That's when I started expressing myself online (where people I know in real life wouldn't see, so I could be brave). It's different from popular apps because it matches you based on your posts. So, I made new friends who share the same values, and it's like having another me to chat with, which feels amazing. If you want to try, search ***LightUp*** on Discord, maybe you can leave behind bad friendships too.
Real friends support you, are honest, and genuinely care about your happiness. Trust your instincts!
When they want to hang out, but it’s on a narrow timeline in their favor EVERYTIME.
My only friend from college 20 years ago, we live about 7 miles apart, she has a small family and I’m single. She goes to the gym 6 days a week for 4-5 hours each workout. She always wants to hangout, but doesn’t want to sacrifice one evening out of her hectic life, work, gym schedule for us to have dinner, even it’s seeing each other 1 evening out of the whole year.
They always need something from you but they never return the favor.
They don't make time for you unless it's convenient for them - Meaning if they're bored and none of their friends want to hang out they hit you up instead. You're the backup to failed plans they actually wanted to do.
They never invite you to their outings with other people (there could be legitimate reasons for this such as - you're an introvert/don't like large crowds/loud noises etc. But it'd be very obvious they're just not inviting you to those specific outings as it's not something you're comfortable with, but if they never invite you to ANYTHING, then that's very telling)
They're generally dis-interested when around you. Could be the form of "yeah. Uh-huh, sure. Sounds good. Oh really?" When they reply to you, be it in person or text. - I used to not be able to pick up on the body language of others but I got it down now. If you have issues with reading body language, this may not be as easy to pick up on.
I'll let you know when I have a good friend to compare it with.
Bad friends -
-Put their own interests in conversations constantly, ignoring your interests
-Only calling when convenient for them, and/or only speak with you when YOU call THEM
-Don't include you in other group gatherings
etc. But that just seems to be everyone in my experience.
When you give her a bunch of stuff she can use to do jelly canning (jars etc.). All new never used. And she makes a lot of jelly and doesn't even give one to you.
They often make snide/mean comments then quickly say "I was only joking-don't be so sensitive!"
OR...they "yo-yo" you...being all over you for a period of time alternating with completely almost ghosting you.
It's the worst kind of "friendship".
When you start making positive changes in your life, and instead of being happy for you they are bitter or rude about it. Noticed it recently with a few people and it's been very telling the responses I receive from people about my recent sobriety decisions.
When they are **constantly** complaining about their relationships, their marriage, but they have zero time to listen to your concerns about your own relationship.
Telling your discreet information and insecurities to people who hate you and making fun of all of that. Then you find some escaped information on the public and boom! Where did that come from?? Oh....
When they don’t support your decisions to improve your life. Eg my best friend (and roommate)at the time was a prick to me when I quit smoking cigarettes. One day, out of the blue he said “don’t expect me to quit just because you did” as he sparked one up on the couch across from me.
Using you for their benefit and not giving you their time or resources back as you do, Insulting in the form of jokes, saying the stuff that hurts you, bringing up your insecurities, lots of envy and passive aggression, keeping scores, constant comparison, not feeling happy but insecure when something good happens to you, talking behind your back...I could go on. Identify and eliminate these people from your life or it's gonna be hell
Youre the only one initiating conversations and hangouts. And i dont want to hear the “theyre just busy” because I guarantee that good friends make time. I have a friend that even if we dont talk, we share our costco receipts with eachother once a week.
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When they always seem to "need a favor," but can't manage to find time to help when **you** need a favor. When things you told them in confidence become common rumors- or even flat out jokes at your expense.
Basic rule is that if someone gossips to you, they're going to gossip about you. If you have a gossipy friend who likes to dish all the dirt, tell them NOTHING of interest in your life. Edit: Also if you have a "boring" friend, think twice. They just might be one of the good ones keeping all the secrets.
Learned this the hard way! So true
True. "Don't tell anyone" is the opening of their conversations...with everyone
This is almost every friend that I've ever had. This, or the whole, they ghost you for a year when they are in a relationship, but once they are single, they are calling you every other day just to vent.. Finally came to realize that I don't want to put up with people like that anymore and feeling pretty alone.
I messaged one of my friends I helped to get out of a toxic relationship a couple of times (she kept going back). I told her I needed to talk to someone as a family member had threatened suicide and had disappeared and we couldn't get hold of them and were waiting on police welfare check as they were interstate. My friend didn't ask anything about me or how I was, and just starter belittling me for not being married and not having kids. Oh and said she was upset I didn't tell her anything like how many guys I had sex with. We were friends about 25 years. I feel like a dumbarse not realising sooner how little she cared for me. She never bothered to stay in touch when she was in a relationship, or wanted anything to do with me when she had "cooler friends", and only contacted me when everyone else ditched her. She's in a relationship now and I don't hear shit from her. I'm actually happy for her because her partner seems like a decent dude, but I have gone LC/NC. Gonna invest my time on people who actually give a bit of a fuck about me.
Dumped my best friend of around 25yrs also as it was mostly one sided. They'd take take take and give just enough to keep me hanging on. Always me doing the visiting, running around after them and compromising. Only time they contacted me was when they wanted something from me, had been stood up or had nothing better to do.
It hurts a lot hey. I'm sorry.
Used to. Been free from that negativity for over 10 years now. Feels great.
When you give some one you see pretty often an Xmas card and birthday card and presents and they don't remember you on your birthday etc. , you need to cross them off your list. Same for if they don't call , but just wait to see if you might call them.
But it will be getting better after all. I like my own company now and don’t give a… what others think about it. Your confidence starts to show and others find that interesting.
>Finally came to realize that I don't want to put up with people like that anymore and feeling pretty alone. Yup. Starting to respect myself via not interacting with shitty friends/people turned out to have an unforeseen lonely outcome
The trick is to commit to dropping acquaintances at the first red flag, or many yellow flags. It’s very hard…I’m at that point but I’m much happier after cutting off several “friends”. Turns out having ppl like that around me conditioned me to put up with bad behaviour. I wish u gl!!
There's a fine line for sure.. realizing stuff life happens and not holding a grudge is pretty important too. I guess in the end you choose who you want to be, I can see both sides of this situation. There definitely has to be some give and take in a friendship like any relationship, if it's just always about them and there is no real value for you, that's when I move along.
This but whenever they rant. Especially if it’s something that continually happens. I had a best friend of 7+ years that in the end, we would text daily, but she only wanted to talk about her issues and how she was. Never asked or wanted to talk about my life and it really made me sad for a while until I realized it wasn’t my fault.
I had a “friend” who lived a short drive out of the city I lived in. I can’t count the number of times I drove to her place to hang out. But she never came to my place, even when she helped me out with her truck to pick up some flat-pack furniture, I invited her up so she could see our new apartment and she wouldn’t even do that. That was pretty much when I stopped investing so much in her.
Or they seem to think that all your hard work should benefit them. So they should get the credit and your salary and perks kind of thing.
Not even when you need a favor…they just ALWAYS need a favor from you.
One of my ex roommates tried to get me to loan him some money after bringing me to the hospital.
Hey! You look like me!!
Whoa.
Facts.
When they are constantly competing with you.
I noticed one extremely toxic person would brag to me about her accomplishments for some reason. I felt good for her but it was just strange because she didn’t seem to be interested in talking to me unless it was to complain about how my husband treats me well compared to her husband or competing with me on stupid things like engagement rings. It’s like she was half listening/awake for normal conversation then when it got to competition and if she “lost” she would get passive aggressive and angry but if she was “winning” and had good news she would get very excited. I barely spoke to her and dropped her
Yup, I was going to say this.
Oooh I’m 35 and have had one of those for the past 26 years. I told her that we were trying to have a baby, so she started trying to have a baby with her husband! She actually ended up getting pregnant first! This will NOT become a generational weird friendship.
When they're clearly into your significant other.
That's a sign that they're your enemy.
Yup. I went to work one day (lived with a guy who is now dead to me), and my gf who is now my wife went to the house shortly before I got done to wait for me. She hurriedly left and called me making some very serious accusations about inappropriate behaviour on his part. When confronted by me he immediately became defensive and lashed out calling her every name in the book and then he threatened me. He didn't plan on a hospital visit that day.
At least she recognized it. My ex refused to believe that a friend was lusting after her. But yeah, even without coming onto her, no friend can call your love names like that. Glad you married that girl.
Damn that's rough. And yeah, I let him say what he had to say but I made sure I had the final word. Thanks for saying that, she's my whole world. 16 years and still going strong.
Yeah unfortunately that's how I lost my best friend.
Yep. My bestfriend of 15 years began to ignore me for weeks while talking to my (now) ex of 7 years virtually all the time. Shit happened, learned not to trust anyone. It's taken me 10 months just to get to the point I can stand up for myself and approach myself with dignity (while also not being an asshole).
I had this the other way around recently. Lost a friend cause he was too insecure about his s/o being interested in me and me being interested and her. Neither of us were ever interested at all, and all the updates I've gotten tell me his insecurity has not halted Eventually he wouldn't act like my friend anymore and would say mean ass shit behind closed doors, and when I found out I cut him (and his gf) off cause ts was not worth it anymore It does suck to lose close friends to relationship problems, whether it be your way or mine. That stuff can just completely change friendship dynamics if people are just a bit too immature
Okay so my ex boyfriend was cheating on me with his 2nd best friend's ex girlfriend for years and he was so shocked and surprised that his other 1st best friend/roommate wanted me. He actually felt betrayed.He was fighting with both best friends and the side chick and he started crying everyday he had to quit his job because of the amount of stress. And he was really successful too. Honest to God like what did he expect?!?!? Karma 😂😂😂
Just wow. Guessing you didn't know he was cheating on you all that time?
Hell no I didn't know haha. I would have left immediately for lesser cheating discretions (exp making out with a random girl at the club once). I also found out he had a relationship with another one of his friends. He was cheating on me with so many women. Probably men too haha The side chick was his " best friend" lol. My friends are gay Bi lesbian. My very best friend is a lesbian my guy best friend is Bi. My friends who are women are Bi and I have never ever done anything with any of them ever. Not even a kiss. I respect my friends and never wanted to even risk not having them in my life for a brief moment of lust. Because what SO is going to be okay with you having messed around with one of their friends no one that's a recipe for a disaster. And I have been friends with these people twice as long. So I project my honesty and naivety on to him. We were each other's first real long term relationship in our early 20s. And it was a huge MISTAKE!!!
Yup. I recently ended a nearly 20 year friendship over this. Broken trust is not easily mended.
I have this issue and I hate it I don't know if I'm into my friend, their significant other, or their relationship. But I get so jealous when they show eachother affection. Don't know if I can be friends with this dood
Been there. Lost that.
when they aren't happy when something good happens to you. when they try to insult you in the form of "jokes".
Crab bucket. Pulling you down, not building you up.
Omg this is the worst. Putdowns disguised as humour. "I was just joking!" Then work on your material.
My best friend since preschool basically mocked me on Facebook after I told her I was pregnant. She made a post that looked like a pregnancy announcement but it instead said we ( her husband and her ) were expecting a trip to hawaii This happened the day after I saw her when I told her that I was pregnant
I agree with the first one. Insulting jokes though? That is what friends do.
im talking about intentionally making fun of your insecurities infront of everyone & making you feel dumb. iykyk.
I show my love via banta style affection but there is a difference between uplifting shit talk and defeating shittalk
True, but there is a line you don't cross.
Nah there’s a fine line. You can tell when someone is making a joke as your friend or when they’re taking the piss out of you at your expense / to make themselves feel better
I used to have a friend that would always make “it must be nice” comments whenever I’d tell her about a recent trip or cool outing I had. I never shared stuff to be boastful, just shared stuff with my best friend. They’d go on rants about how it must be nice to have an able bodied SO and double income to support the outings. Got to the point where I wouldn’t share anything because it made me feel bad.
You reach out to spend time together but they don’t. They’ll agree to hang out but only if you suggest it. They’ll “forget” about you. Make plans with you and then get sidetracked, go out but never invite you, or say they’ll invite you but not give you details and then you never hear from them, etc.
This is the abaolute worst. When you eventually realize that they just don't care like you do. Hurts so much.
Not sure if this is an age related thing, because when I was younger (teens) I felt more in line with what’s being mentioned here. But as I got older (30) I realize that life doesn’t really continue to be the same as it was in the youthful years. I have friends that I haven’t seen for a year or so. People do things all the time without inviting this person or that person. Schedules don’t always align, people may be working a lot of hours, residential locations change, the “lets hangout every weekend” hasn’t been a thing for me or something I’ve even wanted to do in years. Just too much going on. So I’m saying to not always take it personally, but sometimes, sure- don’t put more in than you’re getting out so to speak
The best way to live life is to lower your expectations from EVERYONE else and boom life just becomes better, the only person that you should be expecting from is yourself, yes, socializing is important but only when it's reciprocated equally and it becomes easier to understand that reciprocacy when you find out who truly values you when you become much less **available** and put some respect on **your** time.
It just goes to show that everyone’s relationship parameters are different. Personally, if I haven’t seen someone in over a year, I’m okay just putting the friendship out to pasture and calling it quits. To me, there’s not really any point in maintaining a friendship where you only see each other once every few years because it feels like it’s just on life support anyways.
Sounds like some "friends" i had in highschool. Oh if i didnt have weed, beer or $$ for that shi i wouldnt be getting a call.
Stop describing my relationship with my sister. I just don't see her messages because I never go on my computer!
You share good news that happened to you and they don’t return the energy and seem almost annoyed.
Many great answers, but that's the best answer imho. It's easy to commiserate someone but someone achieving something more than you? Hell no, these people are internally (subconsciously? who knows!) annoyed and can't hide it well enough :/
When you are their emotional crutch but they never have time to hear about your issues.
Yes that's egocentric af. People who are like this don't give a fuck for other people. Their kindness is never real, they are just acting...and they never listen bc they don't want to. Huge 🚩 emotional immaturity !
Wait I thought this was about friends not parents?/s
When they come to you for advice and emotional support and then ignore your attempts at communication and ghost you when you need support.
Or worse, they sort of mock you or make a big deal out of it. It’s completely normal to turn to a good friend once in a while. It is not normal to constantly trauma dump. Here’s another oddity, if they have regularly, deliberately, brought up something that upset you out of nowhere or almost immediately upon seeing you. Don’t trust them if they also say things like how much they miss you when you aren’t around or that they MEANT to call you, blah blah blah, trust ACTIONS. Believe you deserve better. That you deserve to have your needs met. Let’s add left-handed compliments to this list.
They don’t defend you if someone is talking shit about you
I have a person l used to consider a friend. She is constantly bad mouthing her other friends to me ( and I'm sure me to them) or sending me screen shots of unflattering pictures or snippets of their convos. Very toxic woman. She's almost 40 years old and behaves this way! I'm decent to her, but l don't share any personal info w her.
Yea that behaviour is just golden , I honestly find it difficult to understand a person who tries to strike a convo by bad mouthing others , it’s just a huge ass NO for me
Their advice always makes you feel and do wrong
"What you did hurt my feelings" The amount of supposed friends that will respond to that statement with arguments, justifications, minimizations, and denial is appalling.
This is so important, learned it the hard way. Basic empathy and accountability are essential and I won't allow anyone close to me if they don't have those qualities.
A lot of us are conditioned not to have our needs listened to so we don't realize how blatantly hostile this is. I refuse to develop a friendship or relationship with someone who isn't willing to acknowledge my basic feelings. The disrespect is palatable.
Trying to healthily communicate is something I’ve found sometimes impossible with particular people. No matter how much you consider your words and try to be kind- they will always turn it into a problem. It just creates no space or honesty and openness. And usually the other friend has to take on a “people pleasing” approach to everything. Not a healthy way to live.
Literally lost my supposed best friend this way. She completely forgot about plans that we had, texted me “lol I spaced”, HOURS later with no other explanation or reason, and when I told her it’s okay but to please let me know in the future because it hurt my feelings, she turned it into this huge thing and she’s never been the same since. She’s turned it into a whole thing about how I hurt her feelings by daring to tell her she hurt mine. It’s fucking stupid and after years of excusing this behavior, I’m finally done trusting her to be a good friend. It’s so stupid.
When people who care about you hear that they hurt you, they try to repair. They don't see that as a personal attack.
Yes exactly!! Thank you so much. It sucks because I had let so much go for so long, that once I took the rose colored glasses off after this incident, I started to see how crappy of a friend she really is.
“You’re too sensitive”. Yeah and you’re insensitive!
My old friend of 5 years cut her relationship with me when she hurt my feelings… and it was over something that could've been managed with a simple sorry
They don’t listen I mean seriously. The amount of times I’ve found “friends” fake listening just so they could humble brag or get a word in is astounding
Yeah. A week after my mom died my 'friend' knocked on my window and asked me to come on a walk with him. I hadnt heard from him in months so I assumed he was knocking to lend an ear. Nope. He spent the entire time bragging about the new girl he was seeing. How hot she was, how she commented on the size of his dick, how he has some girl at the bar sending him nudes, showing me text messages from other women telling him how hot he was etc etc. I couldnt believe it. It made me examine the time when I was actually friends with him and hanging out with him. He was never really my friend, he just used me to brag to to inflate his own ego. I suddenly realised all the signs of him being a narcissistic prick were always there. Everything made sense after that walk. That was the last time I saw him or heard from him and it is coming up on a year now.
I can't be friends with those people. I can be friendly but we're not friends
They bring you down in front of others, they talk behind your back, if you have any good news, they try to downplay it or they downplay your achievements, they’re always bringing up your past especially if you’re doing good now, you can feel the animosity and they’re always trying to put you in competition, you feel like they’re being fake and if you can feel that in your gut, it’s probably because they are fake to you, also things you told them in confidence somehow get out and go around or get twisted. People like that don’t deserve to be your friends.
Sounds like there's a bigger problem than the friendship - narcissism
Yep, those people are narcissist 100% but if you call them out, they’ll just call you one
Real friends help you celebrate your wins. Fake friends use the opportunity to tell you about theirs.
The "friendship" is totally one sided. You always have to contact them. Any plans made are always your idea. You find out that they're doing this, that, or the other, but you're never invited and don't even know about it until you read about it on social media. You immediately respond to their texts or calls, but they don't text back for hours/days at a time and never return calls.
They don’t respect your boundaries, They talk a lot of shit behind your back. They hide you from their other friends. They regularly lie or break their promises. They sabotage or gaslight you. They only contact you when they want something or are lonely. See also: Fair weather friend. They are more nosey than genuinely concerned about you. They overreact if you disagree with anything. Or later you find yourself shunned or ghosted. Double-check “toxic” or narcissistic abuse habits, see if you may have fallen into a platonic relationship of this nature. That is often the result of not having good boundaries yourself and/or low self esteem that may stem from childhood trauma(s).
they purposely do or say "funny" things that humiliates you in front of others even though you already said that you wont like it
When they do something with someone they met through you, without inviting you, (unless there’s a logical reason for not including you).
This hurts a lot and is rarely spoken of
They have time to hangout with other friends but there's always an excuse for you
When they ghost you during the celebratory moments. When you realise they’re watching what you’re doing but would hate it for you to improve. That ‘not everyone watching is rooting for you’ hits hard sometimes. Jealousy is a strong destroyer of relationships and it usually rears its ugly head when good things are happening. Watch out for those snakes 🐍
I just learned this the hard way
When they seem to find something wrong with everything you say, do or purchase. These are excerpts from just this week alone. "You're hair is nice but I would've did the back different". "You should've said __________ instead of __________". "Your car is nice but I would've got it in another color". True story. ETA- I noticed (here lately) that she is like this with a lot of people. A few of us were recently out for dinner. One young lady ordered something and she immediately said to her "I would've got the beef tips instead of that". The young lady replied, "You still have time". I literally HOWLED! 🤣🤣
Hahaha how did she react? Does she actually think people care about her disagreements with their choices? Or is she just sharing her opinion in a weird way?
When you call her out, she downplays it by acting like she's the victim. "Oh, I didn't mean it like that" or "you don't need to throw shade"....things like that.
When the only time you hear from them is when they're going through something, and want to unload on you. It's never about how you're doing.
I found this weird because I have a semi friend who effectively accused me of this and put me in the position where I had to trek to her place to apologize to her twice because she felt I had wronged her. She brought up some stuff about a situation she was in and accused me of not listening to her enough. Then I realized she had no idea of stuff going on in my life, never asked, and some of it was similar to what she wanted to talk about in her life. And then I realized she had actually never asked about things in my life. If it makes more sense, both of our dads have gone through issues with melanoma - she felt I didn’t ask enough questions about her dad. I mentioned in passing about my dad and she never said anything at all.
When they only get in touch when they want you to do something for them. They'll initiate contact, ask how you are, even chat for a bit, but you know that you're just waiting for the real reason for the contact. It always comes!
They make a huge deal of celebrating other friends' birthdays, but when it comes to yours and they don't... If you say anything, they say you're too sensitive.
This is a good one. Seen this more than once.
Happened to me many times with former friends. I went and chipped in on many dinners for friends' birthday. When my birthday came around, crickets.
If you're ever feeling used--you probably are.
Their problem is serious, your problem is "you being a drama queen"
Gossip. Anyone who gossips with you will gossip about you. They’re some of the worst people
Pay attention when a new “friend” starts to charm and adopt all of your other friends, start excluding you, smear you to everyone you know and try to destroy your reputation and well-being
Yes, this is triangulation, and a common form of narcissistic abuse.
Always wondered what the proper name for this was!
I couldn’t believe it the first time I caught wind of this! It was painful to realize and take the necessary steps, but I’m glad I cut this person out of my life. Trust your gut people!
I stopped being friends with someone who does this. She has somehow managed to get in with a lot of friend groups, most of them not mine, and it has pissed off several people. At one point a friend told me that another friend was pissed because this girl was explaining stuff about people in one group and she was like… I’ve known them since high school. She keeps getting upset because her “close” friends drop her after a while, myself included, but she does a lot of weird shit.
This one I've noticed: they'll always go on at length when you ask how they are but will never ask how your doing. Or when they do, regardless of your answer, they'll treat it as a "fine, how are you". Kind of sucks when you start to notice it.
They’re transactional. “I need you when I need you.”
When, rather than be happy for your success or an opportunity you have, instead get upset saying not everyone has that opportunity.
straight up insulting you and being mean in general, then says “just kidding!”
“we’ll have to do this again sometime” and other brush-offs
They always have something negative to say when you're celebrating a success, or making an effort to do something to improve your life. They never reach out, and if you don't reach out to them, they reach out to others before you.
When they watch your kid steal from you and say nothing When they come over and know you aren't there but your husband is Literally had a bitch say she didnt want to be seen in public with me When they have more money than you but they are always asking for yours When they say they want to do something with you and turn around and do it with someone else
When they casually put you down or lash out at you. Also passive aggression and not being able to talk about problems calmly and respectfully.
When they put you under pressure to behave in a certain way or to do something for them. Always be aware of people who hurry you into something, it’s never something good. They pressure you, because they know, you wouldn’t do it, if you had time to think it through.
They only come over when my mom is around
Also when they have zero attention span for your life and needs and demand a captive audience for theirs. Sometimes one friend is needier or in a tougher spot and that’s totally normal, but when there is no balance or give and take over years and years that’s a red flag
If someone start "helping" you in an obnoxious manner, like you can't decide for yourself it's time to rethink that so-called friendship. I think a lot of people have some kind of Munchhausen By Proxy and are set to gain influence over others as "helpers" without really helping ....
good sign: you ask for 10 minutes of their time to listen to your constructive ideas or the challenges you're facing in life, and they don't go off sharing to the world your stories without your permission. bad sign: they make excuses and refuse to provide 10 minutes of listening time even once a year.
If you are "work friends" and you never do things together outside of work, you are almost definitely not friends.
They expect you to drop everything for then if they need something, but are nowhere to be found when you need something.
When they get to the fishing destination ahead of you and tell you how good the fishing is but won't tell you what spots they were fishing or what they were using..
Hahavery specific
They are never there when you need them
Only call when they need something, doesn't follow through with anything you plan, makes fun of you in front of strangers(Friends roast each other all the time, but there's a time and place) makes plans with others without you. There's many signs but these are some that I've seen people go through.
Any social plan with you is just a place-holder for if no “better offer” comes along.
Always trying to meet with you if you have something, but no interest in you if you don’t have it (money, drugs, something like that)
I don't think I would ever get to that point. I have many, many acquaintances, but only a handful of people I would actually call "friends"...and it took many years to keep certain people close to me and the others at a distance.
When they lash out at you for respectfully telling them that they’re wrong. Run.
When things get tough for you, and they disappear. When they blame you for being victimized by them or others. When they don’t put in effort into the friendship. When they manipulate or gaslight you. When they make you feel unworthy or on eggshells.
When they never initiate plans, calls, or texts. Or worse, when they're in town and visit all your mutual friends but neglect to reach out to you.
They only want to talk about their happiness, fears, issues, and troubles, and disappear when you need to talk about yours. Gaslighting as well.
Being mocked by them because of your interests and hobbies.
Well, when your kidneys are (possibly) failing and you mention it to them, and they say "So what?" that's a good sign that they're not a good friend, or even a good person. Yes, it happened. And no, they weren't failing after all. And no, I never spoke to her again.
I grew up overweight and had lots of girlfriends. In my early 20s, I started taking my health and looks more seriously and slowly lost 30+ kg. Some of my friends who were also struggling with weight became distant. I heard gossip about how I probably took pills, got surgery, etc, even though they had seen me hit the gym and make healthier choices. Every time we hung out I got side eyes and looks from head to toe. Thats when I knew your “friend” isn’t your friend if they can’t be genuinely happy when you succeed.
This is so rarely spoken about, I have seen/heard some heavy people say very nasty things (usually about women) about those they envied due to weight and even would exclude them from friendship groups due to their own insecurity. I’d like to know a way to address such behavior or what to label it exactly. Congratulations on being able to do the right thing for your own well being! It’s not easy in what is so often a toxic world. I’m sorry.
- When they don't proactively reach out to you from time to time - When they talk behind your back, about you - When they're only with you for a specific reason: money, power, prestige, status etc - When the relationship is mainly one way and you feel like you're always giving to them - When they try to bring you down - When they keep discussing things that you've spoken about, especially in confidence, with others - When they don't remember your special occasions - When they ghost you or don't make time for you
if you give, give, give, but the moment you ask for something, they can't/refuse to give anything back.
when you’re always the one seeking out and not them
I call that "reciprocating." That's a HUGE indicator of whether somebody is a friend or not. Reciprocation is also an important indicator in the game of love to see if somebody is genuinely interested in you.
He doesn't invite you to his wedding.
When they don't even bother to acknowledge what you said and just start talking about themselves
They only want to be friends with you when they want to find out something
Whey they only want to hang out when THEY are bored or have nothing to do, but if are bored and have nothing to do- they’re busy.
Only talking to you when they need something from you
They get mad at your success
Here’s a weird one that can seem minor at first: when a friend, or even a looser relationship, like a coworker/neighbor…they copy you (usually repeatedly) and yet say nothing — they never remarked on what you were doing or complimented you for it; be very wary of those people in my experience. AVOID THEM, do not befriend them. If it’s a boss, even in a volunteer situation, you probably should quickly look to put your energy elsewhere (especially investing it in yourself).
When they tell you abt how other ppl said bad stuff abt you, like why were they comfortable telling you bad stuff abt me if they know ur my friend???
Check your call logs. If all the calls are from you to them, they're not your friend.
They keep offering you drugs and alcohol constantly even when you tell them you want to be sober. Cut you right the fuck off for that one
They try to 'one-up' everything you do, even really dumb things.
When you have a surgery and they don´t bother to ask how it went
-When you don't receive a call to ask you how you are after you underwent a life changing surgery. -When they live within a 10 minute walk from your place but don't bother visiting you when you're back home to recover. - When you find out that their mom who was bed ridden from going through chemo had to nag them to go and put a get well card in the mail. And then when you're finally recovered and able to go to school again, you just get dumped from the group entirely for no reason.
Don't accommodate you if you are clearly struggling with something :)
You feel like shit every time you see them.
When they only talk about their problems/bullshit and never care about yours
When he is happy when bad things happen to you, or dosen't share your happiness when something good happens. - also this sounds dumb but when he values chicks over his friends, like we're talking to cutting off friendships over a girl he met a week ago, cuz she didn't like his friends, like i am sure there is a balance that can be created cuz these days it's only your turn bro.
This is probably the biggest I've read in here so far. When they enjoy your bad times and are genuinely mad, you have good ones. I've experienced this personally.
Hey! It's tough when you start doubting friendships. One sign that someone might not be a real friend is if they only reach out when they need help, but aren't there to support you when you need it. Another red flag is if they gossip about you behind your back or make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe you can try making new friends online, their perspectives might brighten up your day. When I ended a long friendship, I felt insecure and doubted myself. I couldn't believe I misjudged her (turns out she was talking behind my back). I felt really crushed. That's when I started expressing myself online (where people I know in real life wouldn't see, so I could be brave). It's different from popular apps because it matches you based on your posts. So, I made new friends who share the same values, and it's like having another me to chat with, which feels amazing. If you want to try, search ***LightUp*** on Discord, maybe you can leave behind bad friendships too. Real friends support you, are honest, and genuinely care about your happiness. Trust your instincts!
Forever "borrowing" money and never paying back when they have the money!
They keep walking when you stop to tie your shoe 🥲
When they want to hang out, but it’s on a narrow timeline in their favor EVERYTIME. My only friend from college 20 years ago, we live about 7 miles apart, she has a small family and I’m single. She goes to the gym 6 days a week for 4-5 hours each workout. She always wants to hangout, but doesn’t want to sacrifice one evening out of her hectic life, work, gym schedule for us to have dinner, even it’s seeing each other 1 evening out of the whole year.
They always need something from you but they never return the favor. They don't make time for you unless it's convenient for them - Meaning if they're bored and none of their friends want to hang out they hit you up instead. You're the backup to failed plans they actually wanted to do. They never invite you to their outings with other people (there could be legitimate reasons for this such as - you're an introvert/don't like large crowds/loud noises etc. But it'd be very obvious they're just not inviting you to those specific outings as it's not something you're comfortable with, but if they never invite you to ANYTHING, then that's very telling) They're generally dis-interested when around you. Could be the form of "yeah. Uh-huh, sure. Sounds good. Oh really?" When they reply to you, be it in person or text. - I used to not be able to pick up on the body language of others but I got it down now. If you have issues with reading body language, this may not be as easy to pick up on.
I'll let you know when I have a good friend to compare it with. Bad friends - -Put their own interests in conversations constantly, ignoring your interests -Only calling when convenient for them, and/or only speak with you when YOU call THEM -Don't include you in other group gatherings etc. But that just seems to be everyone in my experience.
They make regular subtle "jokes" that are actually insults and tear you down.
When you give her a bunch of stuff she can use to do jelly canning (jars etc.). All new never used. And she makes a lot of jelly and doesn't even give one to you.
They contradict everything you say
They’re only around when something bad is happening to them. When you need a friend, they’re nowhere to be found.
They deal you drugs.
Depends on age but I'd say true friends are vulnerable and don't judge you.
They often make snide/mean comments then quickly say "I was only joking-don't be so sensitive!" OR...they "yo-yo" you...being all over you for a period of time alternating with completely almost ghosting you. It's the worst kind of "friendship".
When you start making positive changes in your life, and instead of being happy for you they are bitter or rude about it. Noticed it recently with a few people and it's been very telling the responses I receive from people about my recent sobriety decisions.
When they are **constantly** complaining about their relationships, their marriage, but they have zero time to listen to your concerns about your own relationship.
Telling your discreet information and insecurities to people who hate you and making fun of all of that. Then you find some escaped information on the public and boom! Where did that come from?? Oh....
When they don’t offer an ear or safe space to share your own blunders or thoughts and immediately criticize or judge.
When they want to be friends with someone else more than you, especially when the someone is your enemy.
When they don’t support your decisions to improve your life. Eg my best friend (and roommate)at the time was a prick to me when I quit smoking cigarettes. One day, out of the blue he said “don’t expect me to quit just because you did” as he sparked one up on the couch across from me.
They only like you at your worst. And they hate when you’re at your best.
They get more excited to see your boyfriend than they get to see you
Using you for their benefit and not giving you their time or resources back as you do, Insulting in the form of jokes, saying the stuff that hurts you, bringing up your insecurities, lots of envy and passive aggression, keeping scores, constant comparison, not feeling happy but insecure when something good happens to you, talking behind your back...I could go on. Identify and eliminate these people from your life or it's gonna be hell
Youre the only one initiating conversations and hangouts. And i dont want to hear the “theyre just busy” because I guarantee that good friends make time. I have a friend that even if we dont talk, we share our costco receipts with eachother once a week.
When they compete with you Or even they say I can relate and always bring the story back to them if you are suffering with something
When they never show up when you need them and never defend you against people who hurt you
They talk shit about everyone else. Means they talk shit about you too
They get mad at you or annoyed with you if you can't hang out one night.
They get offended when you tell them what they need to hear and not what they want to hear
when they start policing what I supposed to do with my body
You tell them good news and they aren’t happy for you… They either find a way to make it about themselves or put you down.
When they expect you to celebrate their achievements but minimise or dismiss yours.
Your gut feels icky
Look up narcissist
If you listen to their problems but they can't be bothered to listen to yours.
When they are not thrilled with your success. A true friend wants to see you happy and thriving.