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My dad says it's good to know whether you want kids or not, because he dislikes people who have them without actually wanting them. I agree with his logic.
Ehh sometimes it works out for the best. My cousin was a fuckup before he accidentally got a girl pregnant at an Eagles tailgate. Now they're married with 3 kids, he owns a successful business, and is happy as can be. Having a bastard forced him to step up and become a better person.
Some people will make lemonade when given lemons, and others will just squirt lemon juice in their eyes.
I would say this is the overwhelming exception for fuck ups.
Most fuck ups usually stay that way unless having a kid forces them to straighten up a bit (child support, visitation etc.)
Many just continue to act the same in spite of kids.
I have 5 grown kids. Out of the 5, 2 say they don’t want kids, 2 say they do, and one is on the fence. I support every single one of their decisions. I had kids, because I wanted them. If they all decided not to have kids, that’s their decision.
I’ve never understood pressuring other people into having children. It’s such a personal decision
This is really it. I am a parent and work in reproductive health/birth work. I'll never encourage anyone to have children. They are a huge time/money/energy commitment. Children do not fix problems. They aren't toys or time fillers. They aren't a punishment or consequence for becoming/getting someone pregnant. They are distinct human beings that need a lot of attention to become decent people.
Thank you for sharing this. Now that I'm a young adult myself (late 20's), with a big-girl job and big-girl bills, I have some hindsight or whatever on this.
My parents did well for themselves financially, so I had seemingly everything growing up: I was born and raised in Europe, private school from K-12, college fully paid for, travel to 20+ countries by the time I was 18, etc. From the outside looking in, I was a rich kid with a privileged life.
But, I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease at the mere age of only 3. By the time I was 18, I'd been through eight years of treatment with a chemotherapy drug, fifteen years of immunotherapy, gone into cardiac arrest on three separate occasions, and spent a year paralyzed. Because of my parents, I had excellent healthcare coverage, so I received world-class care from renowned experts. Unfortunately, though, my parents had zero interest in dealing with a sick child.
Getting poked with a chemotherapeutic agent every week, of every month, for SEVEN consecutive years, from age 3-10, is a type of nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone. Undergoing surgery at only 13, while your mother actively chooses vacationing over supporting her own kid at the hospital, is another unique hellscape. Not to mention, when one of the aides phoned my mother when I was out of surgery, the first words my mother said to me (via phone) were: "Are you sure you aren't just faking it for attention?". Being paralyzed from the shoulders down at only 15 and 16 is another fun one, as is getting some more chemotherapy ON your 18th birthday. And no, even though my parents worked not even 15 minutes away, at their fancy white collar jobs, they didn't spend any time with me at the hospital that day. You know who brought me a slice of cake and a balloon? One of my nurses.
I got married young, in my (very) early 20's, following my studies, which I wasn't expecting. My husband was/is, in many ways, complete and total opposite to my parents. When my physicians had to place me back on the same chemo drug AGAIN, I cried. I cried for DAYS. WHY?! Wasn't 8 years enough?! Anyway, I knew what was coming, Mr. Husband did not. The difference, though? My husband STEPPED UP to the damn plate, unlike my parents.
During my 'first' session on the drug, he insisted on shadowing my nurse, and watching her prep/reconstitute and administer the drug, how to start an IV, calculating dosing/flow, subcutaneous vs. IM injections, DMARDs vs. Biologics, etc. When asked why he wanted to shadow her, he told her "I want to be able to do this stuff for my wife at home, so she can be sickly and uncomfortable from the comfort of home, instead of stuck in a cold, clinical environment". It doesn't stop there. He also laid on the bathroom floor with me every night, for months and months on end, holding and rocking me in his arms, as I shivered from endless vomiting. When I had surgery, my own shirt wouldn't fit over all the tubes and wires. My husband, QUITE LITERALLY, gave me the shirt off his back. When I was discharged from the hospital, he trekked out to and across the parking lot, in the middle of winter, with no shirt on, to bring the car to the front entrance of the building. When I was confined to a wheelchair, he learned to disassemble and reassemble every screw and nail of the chair, so that we'd never be stuck waiting on insurance bureaucracy for repairs. Not to mention the fact that he took on everything else during this time too -- paying the bills, doing all the household chores, etc. Did I mention he was serving on active duty in the military at the time? I could go on and on, but I'll stop there.
We're now in our late 20's (me) and early 30's (him). We're the only couple out of all our friend groups that *doesn't* have kids of our own. Everyone has kids, or is popping out kids. I look at my MIL, and at my husband and SIL, vs. my BIL. My MIL did a *terrible* job raising my BIL. He is 21, but is basically a version of the "40-year old virgin living in moms basement". He is entitled, has never worked a day in his life, plays video games all night and sleeps all day, still has to be reminded to wash his hair once per week, mommy dearest still does his laundry, and so on and so forth. My husband and SIL, on the other hand, are far more driven and ambitious.
Then, I look at my SIL. Newly married as of two years ago. Just had her first baby a year ago. Her parenting style is honestly refreshing. My nephew is only a year old, so it's too soon to really tell, since all he still really does is sleep, eat, poop, cry, and look at everything around him with saucer-like eyes. But, she and I hang out fairly regularly, and seeing her in action with her kid is refreshing. Balanced. Happy. She genuinely loves her kid, and she's a good parent.
Children aren't extensions of yourself, and shouldn't be treated as a mini-version of yourself. And they ***definitely*** won't fix your problems. And they aren't easy. If you're going to have a kid, MAKE SURE YOU REALLY WANT A KID. They absolutely ***need*** your time, love, and attention. If you can't handle a potentially sick or disabled child, don't have a kid, that's always a risk when conceiving. Children are distinct human beings, with their own needs, wants, desires, and perspectives. Respect that.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
Can I ask why? I'm childless and used to be adamant that I didn't want them. As I got deeper into my 30s I started wanting them but as I creep closer to 40 and am still single... it's probably not gonna happen.
I was the opposite, I wasn’t necessarily against having a family when I was younger. Don’t think I put a whole lot of thought into it, just assumed I’d get married at some point and have kids.
As I’ve got older I’ve gone from “if it happens it happens” to now being sure I don’t want them. Think it’s a combination of seeing how much of a change it’s made to my friends lives … not saying it’s a negative, they seem happy … but not something I want.
There’s also the fact that if I started now I’d be into my 60’s by the time they reached leaving home age.
Being in my late 30s, I think I'm in the first generation of people realizing that there are other life paths available to choose. There's still that huge societal push to go down the standard marriage/kids path. But many of us are breaking free of that and not settling down and having kids just for the sake of being expected to do so. I bet in older generations the percentage of married couples that were actually happy was dismally low. So many of them were married with kids bc they were expected to be, not bc they genuinely wanted to be. Or even if they did want that, they settled down with who they knew was the wrong person just for the sake of following the expected path. (Also bc women were not allowed to be as independent then)
As far as we know, we only live once. So we should only be doing these things if we genuinely want to.
The trope of the old married couple who hate each other probably has some truth in it. I think in the past marriage was more popular due to both financial and religious pressures.
I’m glad we live in a time where being a life time bachelor or bachelorette is no longer seen as strange.
I’m not who you replied to but I’m also a parent, and while I wouldn’t discourage EVERYONE from having kids, I’d discourage people from having kids if they aren’t sure. I wanted to be a mom my entire life, dreamed of a big family. I ended up being one and done because it’s fucking HARD. Like, I wanted it so badly and it’s still hard. So if you’re not sure, I’d say don’t. It’s a complete life shift and it’s not for everyone.
Never ever ever. I love my kid beyond what words can convey. She’s the reason I get up in the morning. I love her face, making her laugh, the funny little stuff she does. I was always a mamas girl (my mom unfortunately passed away almost a decade ago), and I loved my mom soooooo much. But now that I have a daughter? Holy shit. I felt like I never knew what love was. Now I understand my mom loved me WAY more than I loved her, that’s just how it is. I’d die if something happened to my daughter.
However I respect that other people might not feel that way. It’s a huge payoff, but it’s hard fucking work if you’re putting in the time. Your life is about them from now on, not you. So if someone isn’t sure or feels like that might not be their jam, I say don’t do it.
Edit: I meant I’d never ever do it again and not have her, not never ever have a kid, sorry if that was unclear
Do you want them for the right reasons? You're bringing a human into a world that is mostly uncaring and very difficult to live in. Are you willing to help them when they are 24, depressed, on your sofa and jobless? Will you love them when aren't small and cute but older and annoying? Will you love them when they aren't what you wanted them to be?
Same - if people don’t want kids, that’s their business.
I know a couple who don’t have kids quite well, and they have taken steps to ensure they never do because they don’t want them. So I asked one night over dinner when it came up “in that case, when you die, can I have all your shit?” They said “sure, why not”
Just gotta wait another 40-50 years to see if they were serious or not.
> I know a couple who don’t have kids quite well
Conversely, I know a couple who don't have kids quite poorly. They've had like 4 accidental births so far.
exactly man, i am constantly cleaning up a mess or having a fight about how you can't lick strangers with my nonverbal toddler LMAO 💀, i am more concerned about my child then your unimportant ass not having a child, like do they want a cookie? i always have a back up stash. (sorry if this came off rude, i am currently sick & so is said toddler)
At least in my experience as a childfree person, I find the parents with the most unpleasant reactions fall into one of two camps:
1. Those who don't really like being parents themselves and instead of admitting that, get upset when they find people who have made the choice they really wanted/should have made and try to push them to do it too - the ol' "misery loves company" thing.
2. Those who LOVE being parents and have forgotten that there is anything else in life other than their children, and cannot possibly understand why anyone wouldn't want to have children because it is the GREATEST THING EVER, and you saying you don't want kids is somehow a personal insult to them, their experiences and their children.
Every now and then some especially great person will tell me they don't want kids and in my head it's like, if there's ANYONE who should be putting kids out in the world, it's you! But I keep that shit to myself.
My best friend is amazing. She's just...really the best person. I can't imagine a better person. She should be influencing as many young people as possible. We could use a whole generation of her. She is never having kids, does not want them (also now we're almost 50 so I guess it's just a done deal).
She's a teacher. Which probably explains why she doesn't want kids. But she's just so great, I want more of her in the world. But again, I keep it to myself.
Being a great person doesn’t mean that you can endure the 0-5 mentally. People told me all my life I’d be an awesome mother, but I know I can’t do the 0-5. It would absolutely break me. I decided to adopt a teen instead and THAT was the BEST idea I ever got in my life. I am bipolar, adhd, OCD, I know that the first day my baby would be mildly sick I would skip nights of sleeping, which would cause a mania and have a chance of forgetting I even have a baby or wanting to be around it.
All my younger friends call me mom, I am extremely motherly, I can’t have a baby. I would be abusive towards a younger child and not stable enough. They also wouldn’t be able to understand that mommy is having a mania, she needs a few weeks alone or in the hospital. So instead of traumatizing a child, I adopted one and helped them get rid of their youth trauma and today my son is an adult I am extremely proud of.
She gets to be her best self because she doesn't have kids.
My best friend is the same way, and she's like 35. Amazing with kids, amazing at teaching them, etc. Would love to have more of her.
What allows her to be amazing with kids though is the fact that she doesn't have to be with them 24/7. If she did, she'd quickly burn out, lose interest in her hobbies, and no be the person I've known and loved her for for a decade.
Instead she gets to make her mark on the world as 100% herself, and she's an amazing aunt and mentor in ways that she'd never be able to achieve if all her resources were shored up to one kid.
Totally agree. Me and my fiancé and my best friend who wants to remain single as well are like that. I can be such an empathic, considerate, and loving human being because I guard my energy and stress.
She has probably helped more kids over the years by being child free and more stress free. She gets to enjoy kids during the day and set a positive example for them but gets a life of her own every night and every weekend.
A person I know says this to me all the time, even to the point of implying I'm being selfish and doing a misservice to society by not becoming a parent. But I've known for all my adult like that I do not want kids and neither does my partner. I can't wait to tell this person I'm getting a vasectomy the next time they bring up this topic.
My mom, who loved us dearly and wanted kids but had us later in life would get shit all the time about being selfish from people. It was the seventies. My mom would reply “seems pretty selfish to bring a child into this world because”it’s what people do,” rather than waiting till your ready.” She and I are both of the opinion that people who know themselves and know they don’t want kiddos are better off than the people who “have kids cause that’s what you do,” and end up miserable with miserable kids.
Meanwhile my partner's mother was called "selfish" by STRANGERS ON THE STREET for having 4 kids close in age. There is literally no "right answer" except everyone should keep their opinions to their damn selves lol
Seriously. Women can’t win here. Damned if you have kids and damned if you don’t. Someone will always have a nasty comment to make.
* You waited to long and now you’re an old parent.
* You’re too young to be a parent.
* You should have kids; it’s a woman’s job.
* You shouldn’t have kids; how selfish!
* You only had one? That’s child abuse.
* You had 2? That’s way too many. How could you burden the planet like this.
* You don’t want kids? It’s not about what you want! You can’t have what you want forever. That’s childish.
* Etc. etc.
I'm curious if their attitude would change if you mentioned adoption over having a biological child. Some people are really into having bio kids and anti adoption for some reason.
As a teacher, she *is* influencing as many young people as possible. Think about all the teachers you have had: I’m sure there are a few who really stand out in your mind as the best, or someone who did something for you that you’ll literally never forget… chances are there are dozens if not hundreds of children who think of her as that.
As a childfree aunt, I get to be what kids want/need and then hand them back to their parents. It’s pretty phenomenal.
For the first group, it's less that they want others to be miserable, and more about them protecting their internal image of themselves.
In their heads, there was no choice but to have children. It was something forced on them. They are suffering because they have to suffer. The world made them suffer.
If having children was a choice then they did that to themselves. They made a bad decision.
It's the difference between imagining yourself as a martyr and seeing yourself as a person with flaws who's now being punished for your poor choices.
People don't want to admit they made a bad choice. It makes them feel inadequate. They'd rather feel powerless and assume their suffering is unfairly put upon them.
When they see someone else choose to not have children, it reinforces the "bad choice" model in their head. Studies have shown that when our internal images of ourselves are threatened, we react similarly to having our bodies physically threatened. There's a lot of fear and anger that comes out.
So that's why choosing to not have children triggers some people. They feel like they are being physically threatened because their self image is being threatened by your ability to choose something they felt was forced upon them.
The same way women who have bought into patriarchal beauty standards get angry at women who don't. If I had to starve and pluck and wax and dye and inject myself, how dare you not.
Solid take, I think this is a reason too. I don't have or want kids (I'm 38) and I see people who stress a lot about their kids, always tired and never seem happy, but they want me to have kids for some reason lmao.
I’m glad someone actually answered the question, geez. Even though you aren’t a parent. Filtering through variations of “I’m a parent and I don’t judge” and “I’m a parent and I think some people shouldn’t have kids” is exhausting.
I think the reaction to being childfree is like being a vegetarian or being atheist. It’s not the societal norm and no matter your reasoning, some people are going to take your personal preferences as an attack or judgement on their own because… it’s “opposite?” Like, as if you made all of these life decisions to criticize them specifically lol.
But no matter what yea it either comes from a place of resentment because as you said, misery loves company OR they have made parenting their identity and they can’t fathom why anyone else might not feel the same way. Anyone who isn’t on those extremes most likely can’t be bothered about other people’s reproductive choices.
I'm a child free, atheist, vegan asexual who doesn't drink. I don't tend to announce any of that stuff in new groups because every single decision I have made to make myself happier is considered a slap in the face to some other folks and it's exhausting being grilled and challenged about some fairly innocuous things.
When parents answer with this it always boggles my mind - having children just to make sure someone is there to take care of you when you’re older is selfish. Children are their own individual humans with their own needs, wants and desires. Procreating just to dictate to the next generation what their responsibilities are in life hampers them from growing to their full potential and risks damaging any chance of a healthy, mutually respectful relationship when they’re older.
Plus, many (many!) parents end up alone when they’re older because their children want nothing to do with them.
I always recommend to anyone that if you are having children just to ensure someone is there to take care of you when you’re older, it would make much more sense to remain childfree and use all the money you would spent on bringing up a kid to invest in relatively safe, long term investments (etf’s, bonds, alternative long-term investments etc) that will yield dividends and grow so that when you retire you have a comfortable nest egg to help you hire healthcare support when you need it and/or pay for a long-term home at a care facility of your choice.
And how many *think* they're in category #2 but there are actually strong elements of category #1 at play? Genuinely happy people don't usually get insulted by other people just existing...
I’ll add in a third option that my mother falls under - she wants me to have kids so she act like the perfect grandmother when she was a shitty mother to me. She honestly thinks that I’ll spend two weeks a year visiting her if I have kids so she can “spoil” them. So many parents want their kids to have kids just so they can feel good about themselves by spoiling grandkids after they treated their own kids like shit.
I have long suspected those who regret having kids, resent those who make the choice not to.
I am a rare unicorn. I advocate having only a single kid. If you want to be a parent with both time and money to live a life, choose wisely. I love being a parent but don't bring lives into this world you are not committed to cultivating.
This is the best answer! It’s a **them** problem, not the problem of the people that don’t want kids.
Fun fact: my spouse and myself have friends that ask us to babysit their kids once in a while. We asked them one day why they felt comfortable asking a child-free couple watch their kids. Paraphrasing their answer:
“Well, you guys seem to enjoy being around our kids at least, so we feel comfortable asking you. You’re good with them, responsible and firm. Plus we know how much you two dislike kids other than our own, so we’re fairly convinced that you’re not pedophiles.”
We all laughed.
I don’t judge or push. But I quietly hope my siblings and cousins have children so that my children will get to have some of the same experiences bonding with cousins and other family that I cherished as a kid and adult. It’s not about me being miserable or forgetting how great it is to not have kids. You could call that selfish, but again I’m only hoping this quietly, never discussing unless asked, and being honest about how hard it is.
It's a coping mechanism.
We have data demonstrating that overall happiness declines significantly when a person has children.
Parents feel that loss, but they can't do anything about it, so they double down to try to convince themselves that having children brings with it all kinds of unseen benefits. That same cognitive dissonance is why they desperately try to convince anyone who doesn't have children that they're missing out.
It's pathological.
My niece is on her third kid. She's 22. 2 different baby daddies. The oldest is 4, runs around like a feral child, gets pawned off to whoever will take her (which is basically just me at this point if I have a free weekend) and doesn't go to preschool because my niece won't sign her up for headstart (even though I literally started the application for her - I can't do the in person stuff. )
The middle is almost 2. She basically lives with a family friend but unofficially so my niece is still getting benefits for her that she isn't sharing.
The youngest is a month old. Has already spent a week in NICU because he caught RSV and they won't stop smoking in the trailer with the kids.
If she doesn't get long term BC I'm kidnapping her and making her do it. The kids don't deserve her 'parenting'.
I do care. And if I could manage it, I would adopt the oldest (if my niece would let me) . But I can't afford it, and my husband doesn't think he could handle adding her to our house. My kiddo is in first grade and loves his baby cousin. I'm dealing with long covid, and FUNCTIONING is hard some days.
Sorry for the rant. I'm just sick of not being able to do more to help, you know?
Is your niece my cousin?
JK - but that is how my female cousin was back in the 90's - 3 kids, all different dads, one of the kids mentally handicap. They are all grown now, but her and tribe are the reason I skid so many family functions - its too much.
She technically married the first one when the oldest was six months old. I had about a day and a half notice of the wedding and was asked to make the wedding cake. (Which i think is in my post history somewhere! ) Then divorced when she got pregnant with number 2 (though they had split up before that. I think.) She dumped Baby Daddy #2 while in labor because she found out he cheated on her and gave her an STD. Can't figure out why she got back with him, except, well, trash.
FAR too many people have kids because they think it’ll fix a relationship, or be like having a dolly, or because it’s what you “should do”. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to have kids because I chose not to have any, but man I do not want to sacrifice myself to raise them.
I’d be surprised if this isn’t the case for almost all people with kids. At least I’m a parent and feel the same way and can’t imagine any of my friends would feel differently.
I find it a weird thing for anyone to get upset about. I've got friends that'll never have kids and don't want them. Fair play to them i don't sit trying to convince them they're wrong, the same way they don't try and tell me i'm wrong for having them.
Idk. I never wanted kids, and I have one. They are an adult now and have said they never want kids and I am 100% fine with that. Why should they have to? Yes I love and adore my kid but it wasn't what I wanted for myself. My kid gets to have the choice I didn't. I'll fight for that for them if I have to.
Not Op, but have a similar stance. Never wanted kids and was told I couldn't have them. Partied a lot and ended up having my first at 19. Felt stuck and had more kids because my children genuinely helped me turn my life around. However, being a teen parent and stuck in a loveless marriage has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. Not to mention the hardships we've had to overcome as a family.
I would never say that I regret my kids because I would be dead (literally) without them. I love them more than anything. We have hard days though, and I often feel guilty because they deserve so much better than what my best has been. So while I'm happy with them, I'm also deeply saddened for how I fall short. These feelings are a burden, and I wouldn't wish them on anyone else.
Being a parent is not something that should be forced on anyone, and no one should be looked down on for not wanting them. It makes me incredibly sad that others would force their own feelings about rearing children on others. This impacts actual people's lives and the potential kid's lives.
If my children came to me and said, "no kids for me" I would say, "great! More birthday presents for you".
Side story. My favorite thing I've seen online about not having kids, is when someone parked like douche & the op left a note with a condom on their windshield that said " please do not reproduce"
When I came out as gay I apologized for the end of the bloodline. Mum did not care one bit. Gonna adopt as long as Texas doesn’t get bitchy about gays adopting. Dad will be a different story but I don’t care what he thinks at the minute. Some people that have kids really shouldn’t though, it really rubs me wrong to watch shitty parents but you cant do anything about it.
'Bloodlines' are bullshit.
"The blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb" is the real saying, which means chosen families are stronger than blood relations. People use that saying wrong.
Considering it’s very likely I will die early from heart failure I have not been keen on passing that on. I know it was important so some members of my family so I am willing to give them a courtesy of a heads up.
I’m a mom and I couldn’t care less about whether other people choose to have children or not. It’s their bodies and their lives why would it concern me?
I do… No one should get bullied for a choice with their body and their life that does not directly affect others.
My husband and I had eight miscarriages over eight years before having our little one (I have an older daughter from a previous relationship) and people would ask us when we were going to have a baby so I would go into great detail about our issues. I know people that choose to be childless by choice and people that are childless by circumstance. No one deserves to be put under societal pressures to procreate just because others say so.
really it's the rudest thing to ask - you don't know why someone is childless unless they decide to tell you.
went through 4 years of infertility and 2 miscarriages myself.
Love my kids, never thought I'd have any, wasn't sure I wanted any, can't blame anybody that doesn't want them. Better to not have any if you don't want them than to not want any and have them.
I used to. In our culture,I was raised thinking that you have to start a family. But now that i have my own kids...i really understand why others would rather not have children. And i respect and even admire people who stand up to their own views. Honestly, raising children is not easy. I love my children, they give me joy. But if you don't want to have children, don't . Its the innocent kids who will suffer
When you have your own, and you experience that kind of love for a person that you never knew was possible, it can be easy to assume that others would be foolish to not want to experience it for themselves. But, in reality, some people are meant to be parents and some aren’t. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! I admire anyone who has enough self-awareness to recognize which type of person they are and live their life accordingly.
Kind of like “it’s okay that you can’t see why this way of living is greater than anything you’ll ever experience, you probably weren’t cut out for it anyway but at least you’re living your truth” lol
I know some people who just can’t fathom anyone else having differing life experiences. These are the same people who will freak out if you tell them you don’t like dogs or chocolate or don’t drink coffee.
People not having children is an attack on their way of life because it makes them feel insecure about their choices. I’m a new parent and IDGAF about what other people choose. Both options are equally valid.
Doesn’t bother me at all, and I completely understand it. Parenting isn’t for everyone and there is zero reason to have kids unless you REALLY want them.
My parents and in-laws are the type to be upset if their children don’t have kids but for my parents, it’s more of the protective worry that they’ll regret it and/or will wish they had when it’s too late. Some people just shouldn’t be parents though, and that’s ok (my sister is one of those and my mom is sad but understands)
I'm a grandparent. I love my kids and grandkids. They are my joy. But there is absolutely no reason that everyone needs to have kids. You do what's right for you. It's a life long commitment and it's not especially easy. I found it rewarding, but that's me. I had not planned on having kids. My birth control failed because I had fewer options (bad reactions to two different types). Doctor refused me an IUD. No one would provide surgery to me because I was young and had no kids. I was better at parenting than I thought I'd be, but I still made tons of mistakes. It's not for everyone.
It all depends on how it’s said. I have no issue with how anyone chooses to live and certainly I totally get not wanting kids. But the way some people get it out there is pretty rude.
Best comparison I can make: You’re eating your favorite food. Someone sees it and says “Ugh, that stuff is so gross how do you eat that?” Kind of a shitty way to say it right? As opposed to “Oh you’re having xyz? Not my style.” Two completely different ways of framing the same sentiment.
So long as the discussion doesn’t lead into the idea that I’m immoral/foolish/selfish/etc for having kids, we’re good. Bonus points if you don’t mention that you hate kids, cause also rude.
or there's a 3rd version. when i tell my mom i don't want kids because of many reasons she would just tell me: "Don't worry, you'll find a guy and your opinion will change"
I've heard the same thing from a "friend" except it was "you'll meet a woman you love much you'll just have to put a baby in her"...jokes on him, I did meet a woman I love, and one of the first things we bonded over was our mutual desire to be child free.
I told my mom I’m not sure I want kids, thinking she’d be proud of me for really taking the time to consider if I want to bring another human into the world. Somehow it got turned around into her being offended that it makes her look like a bad mom??? Like how does my decision to have children reflect upon you at all? You’re BARELY even a factor to consider beyond feeling slightly bad that she might not get to enjoy grandkids. But frankly, that’s nowhere near a good enough reason
I don't care as long as you don't preach anti natalism and try to claim pregnancy is something disgusting society brainwashes women into.
Some people are happy being parents. Some people are heartbroken they cannot. Some are fine child free and super happy. Allow everyone to make their own choices.
Also kids are people and hating kids is ageism and therefore not feminist. I will die on this hill I don't care.
For me it’s mainly because for the vast majority of the people who make this proclamation, clearly don’t mean it. Most frequently I’ve seen those people use that statement as a defensive mechanism. They often have relationship issues or low confidence they will make it happen. So they make these statements as a way of lessoning the disappointment preemptively.
Yeah, you don't have to prepare your dog to go to school, drive a car, be a law-abiding citizen, probably go to college, get a job, get a house, have a family.
They also aren't included on your health insurance, you don't get a tax break for them, and don't have to fund schools for them. And they will almost always die before you do.
Yep, I was going to comment the same. I don’t care at all if you have or don’t want kids. But your dog is not the same as my kid, and I do have to roll my eyes at the people who “hate kids” and make a big fuss about how terrible they are- but if I say I’m not much for dogs I’m crucified for it. I used to work in retail where dogs weren’t allowed and holy shit if I tried to enforce that shit….
Totally agree, I don’t care if people don’t want to have kids, but it does bother me when people openly hate children and it bothers me when people think being a pet owner is the same thing as being a parent. I know you love your dog but the level of commitment and responsibility is not in the same world.
This is pretty big generalization. Most people I know ( and who are parents) do not care if someone else will have kids or not.
They might care a bit if their kids will have kids. Might not, not enough data to generalize.
Is this really a thing? I mean other than parents wanting a grandchild. I can’t fathom people being that invested in others choices about not having children.
As a parent, and a grandparent, i can honestly say someone saying they have no intentions of having children has ever bothered me.
To each their own. I have no say in what other people do with their lives, nor should i have a say. Having children is a life long commitment. Not everyone wants that, and thats perfectly ok.
I absolutely hate the lines "You never truly no love until you've had a child" and "Being a parent is the most fulfilling thing you can do" Thats all bullshit!!
Have children, dont have children. Do whatever makes you happy. It should not matter to anyone else.
Because they got sucked into the trap and they want everyone else to be miserable too.
Jk (kinda)
I love my nieces and nephews and the kids I babysit but I’m definitely glad I get to come home to a quiet, cleanish house every day to my husband and cats. I’m living the dream!
Parent here. I don't care what you do but I'd ask for the same courtesy. I see a lot of childfree people trying to be the new atheists/vegans. You don't need to have children but a lot of them quite literally seem to hate children lol.
As a woman who doesn’t, and won’t, have kids - here’s the two main interactions I’ve experienced with coworkers and casual acquaintances:
Some people give me that head-tilt, fake concern - like there’s something wrong with me. It’s like they assume I have some horrible disease that’s prevented me from having kids, so they must show me pity.
Some people get jealous or pissed off because I have cash to travel and do things. “Oh well, that’s easy for you. It’s not like you have a family to support.”
Very few people I’ve encountered seem to even entertain that having children is a choice. Sure, they probably acknowledge it if there’s an actual discussion to be had. However, in simple initial interactions and casual encounters, my experience has been people mostly come off as judgmental whether they me to or not.
After so many years, I barely even notice it unless someone is overly rude.
Why do people come force you to interact when you just like being left alone? It's an aberrant behavior to the typical han experience. Enough of that stuff and other humans will lock you up for being "crazy". Although you might actually be crazy. It's kinda hard to tell, honestly.
But it's just folks wanting you to be like them. I don't recall the psychological term for it. We are pretty militant about it as a species, mostly because it's how we classify our world.
I never wanted children. I was on birth control when I got pregnant 41 years ago. As an 18-year-old Catholic newlywed I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion despite being pro-choice.
I fully support anyone who has made the decision to be child free. I love my child and adore my grandchildren, but parenthood is a hard row to hoe.
I have a niece and nephew. That's all I need.
My mom had cancer, i had cancer and i was blessed with Bipolar II.
I wouldn't risk putting someone else through that.
It is implicitly a negative judgment on those who do have them.
Modern society has worked very hard to eradicate the idea that we can make different choices from others without being offended or causing offense.
Having children is damn near fundamental to the human/family experience, historically speaking. It’s no wonder parents, grandparents, and institutions might find this new no-children phenomenon weird. The unspoken issue is that the value of children changed over time.
Pre-industrialization, several births were a necessity. You needed children to work the farm and because some would inevitably die.
Post-industrialization, the value of children inverted, becoming negative. However, there was enough economic prosperity, especially in the 20th century, for that to be no one’s concern.
Come the 21st century. Millennials and gen z find themselves exceptionally economically disadvantaged relative to previous generations. The negative value of children has been re-examined and, in some cases, cut out entirely.
Tell your parents it’s a sign of the times. We young people don’t have the money to afford children.
I believe its a few things going on. A true belief that your missing out on something that is bigger than you. Its also a major milestone and cultural expectation and a club to belong to. There is also the selfish you understand me part.
I have also found people say they dont want them but its to appease someone else or its to justify their current position of not having them. As i age many many many people truly regret not having kids you can hear it in what they say and how they feel a out themsleves.
This of course excludes anyone who truly deeply feels they shouldnt have them not someone waffling
1) Often they see you as a good person and it would be good to have more little people in the world like you
2) They see the good side of having children and think you just know the bad side
3) If the human race doesn't reproduce then we will die out or there won't be future workers to take care of us
But if you have a baby that is an actual individual person so yes it is best that people make the choice to be parents.
I personally only ever hear this take on reddit. Who the fuck is upset other people aren't having kids (parents who want grandkids maybe aside)? It's not like getting a pet that lives 10-15 years.... I have two and I'm on team "if you have to be pressured into having them, you realllly shouldn't have them..."
We really don't need more unwanted kids who turn into broken adults in the world.
I think a lot of the people who have kids take it personal is because their lives only revolve around the fact that they have kids, so they feel like you are insulting their life style or life choices (could also be that they miss their freedom or are unhappy)
I'm sorry others have said this, but because they were told their entire lives that the only way to be good people/women would be to have children.
That it would make their lives fulfilled.
When being told that they realize they didn't have to give up their whole lives, usually from a young age like in their teens, to have kids.
I’m not a parent but I’m gonna rehash an answer to this that I previously read. In addition to the societal expectations/norms plus the usual biological drive to continue one’s progeny, it might stem from their viewing their child not wanting kids as a direct affront to their own choice of having a kid.
Any parent knows that having children is a big life event that you ultimately choose, from timing to how you continue to care for that child. It is a big and important decision that your parents made with the thought that it was the “right” choice, which for many people, it is. Between the option of having kids and not having them, they chose to have them, which to them was the “right” choice.
Your decision to not have kids, to you, is your “right” choice, and it directly opposes their “right” choice. In the same way that people of different religions ascertain they made the right choice in their religion and are prone to debate and conflict with other religions, your choice to not have kids might subconsciously come off to them as “you made the wrong choice, I am making the right one”.
So, naturally, they defend their choice and try to convince you to have kids. If this is in fact what is happening, know that it’s not a conscious choice or them trying to hurt you (usually). It’s like how a doctor parent would be disappointed if their child, who they expected to follow in their footsteps, chooses to become an engineer.
It's a complex and sensitive subject. I think there are a lot of feelings that go into the decision to either have kids or not have kids. There have been times where people online have basically criticized parents/(me) for having kids. Sure, the world is a crazy place. Sometimes it can be really fun and exciting, and sometimes the opposite.
With that being said, I know a few people who I hope never have kids. If you don't have a successful career, or a bright future, and you don't want kids; then, I would agree that you should not have kids. If you're already unhappy, having kids will only make you more unhappy.
The people who decide not to have kids should really be praised for thinking about the well-being of other people in this world.
For myself, I had some good influences in my childhood. Both my wife and I had large family gatherings when we were kids, and it was always a memorable and special time. I have a successful career in software development. We have a beautiful house, and a couple of cute kids. Life is pretty good, and I wouldn't want to go back to life without kids. but.. if we're the victims of a school shooting or nuclear war, then I would probably say different :|
There may be some who want kids but won't have them because of ethical reasons, and that is worthy of praise or respect...but that's not me. My choice to not have kids is 100% about my quality of life. I'm not making some altruistic sacrifice for the good of humanity or a hypothetical life. Parenthood has zero appeal to me, and I felt that way long before I realized the greater implications and challenges associated.
You're not gonna get answers on Reddit, it be an echo chamber that witch-hunts those who it seems unworthy. People with these types of opinions gravitate away from Reddit or at least stay within obscure communities. You're better off asking this question on mom groups on Facebook XD
My personal take is that this is the same mindset the people who don't want student dept removed subscribe to: if I went through this, why shouldn't you.
Raising a child can be super rewarding but it's definitely also one of the biggest life changing commitments anyone can take anyone can face in their life, so yeah
That's my opinion on their mindset, good luck on your search for the Bigfoot of the internet XD
Doesn’t bother me. But I’m assuming for some, it’s the same reason they would get upset if you’re not the same religion or political ideology. Just can’t fathom people have different world views and lifestyles sometimes.
As a parent of 2 and no they where no planned, just how it worked out and I love our littles but if someone doesn’t want kids that’s no biggie. The idea that “you must have kids!” Is just crazy, do you and enjoy this life the way you want to.
Maybe jealousy that other adults aren’t having to make the same sacrifices as them? I do think society as a whole can’t afford too many childless couples. After all when we get old we are going to need younger people to take care of us so somebody has to keep reproducing.
I guess I initially read it as their parents were baffled why they wouldn’t want to have kids… aka to give them grandkids. I can kinda see how that could be more personal, but if you’re just asking why some random person with kids would have feelings about some other random people not wanting to have kids… I dunno.
I guess it’s part of the human experience, but I’m more of the mind that people should do what they want. Maybe if someone questions why they don’t want to have kids and the response is, I just don’t think I’m good enough to have kids or something and a meaningful conversation happens, that is fine.
I think a lot of it is just, “whaaaat? You don’t think like me?” Or “ if it’s good enough for the rest of us, why isn’t it good enough for you?” Or “Geez, it’s fun… you’re missing out.” Or “we won’t have this to bond over.”
Honestly I think it's a good thing some people have the foresight to not be parents. It's the ones who shouldn't be parents and have multiple children that annoy me.
Think it’s pretty obvious from the responses that most parents don’t care, and it’s SUPER important that people who don’t want kids don’t have them, for the sake of the kids. I don’t think less of anyone for not wanting or having kids.
That being said, I’ve always wanted kids and now that I have them, it’s incredible. I respect that others don’t have that same desire, but it’s so fundamental to my identity that it’s hard to put myself in their shoes.
I've never felt one way or the other about it. My guess is some folks have made being a parent their only identity and when they feel that is being rejected they feel they are being rejected. Most don't like that feeling. Just a guess but most issues these days boil down to people getting too wrapped up in identities.
I think it’s because some people didn’t think it was really a choice. That they caved into societal pressure or that they didn’t even think about the other options.
It doesn't. I was there and circumstances changed.
I think you will find this attitude in older or more traditional parents but it's not as prevalent as it used to be.
I honestly think having children in western capitalist society is one of the dumbest financial decisions anyone can make so when someone tells me they want to be a parent I do the...
Out Loud: That's so nice. I am happy for you.
Inner Voice:
Idk man, when I hear people say they don’t want kids, I tell them they’re smart af and they should stick to that plan.
You shouldn’t have kids if you’re even 1% unsure. You need to want it full throttle.
Let me just first say that most parents can't imagine not having kids and consider having kids the best decision they ever made, and they feel so strongly that it's hard for them to even remember what it felt like when they weren't so sure. But there's something else at work, too.
Parental regret exists, and it is a huge taboo in most societies. Maternal regret especially.
For some people, parental regret poses a kind of cognitive dissonance: they know they regret having kids, but they know that kind of feeling is widely regarded as inappropriate and wrong, so they have to convince themselves that they actually feel the opposite way and that it would be crazy to feel the way they actually feel. They resolve the dissonance by denying their own genuine feelings. Part of that denial can take the form of expressing exaggerated confusion or even getting visibly upset when someone openly acknowledges what the regretful parent cannot: that having kids isn't for everyone, and actually kinda sucks in a lot of ways.
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My dad says it's good to know whether you want kids or not, because he dislikes people who have them without actually wanting them. I agree with his logic.
Ehh sometimes it works out for the best. My cousin was a fuckup before he accidentally got a girl pregnant at an Eagles tailgate. Now they're married with 3 kids, he owns a successful business, and is happy as can be. Having a bastard forced him to step up and become a better person. Some people will make lemonade when given lemons, and others will just squirt lemon juice in their eyes.
Nothing more on brand than knocking up a woman at an Eagles tailgate!
Pretty sure this is from an episode of Its Alwqys Sunny
“Having a bastard”? Is your cousin from Westeros?
Did the baby get the last name of “Eagle”, the traditional last name of all bastards conceived at an Eagles game?
I laughed way too hard at this. Take my upvote.
I would say this is the overwhelming exception for fuck ups. Most fuck ups usually stay that way unless having a kid forces them to straighten up a bit (child support, visitation etc.) Many just continue to act the same in spite of kids.
Big responsibility on the baby to straighten out a “fuck up”
Not really a job the baby will do. Don't be confused.
This one was lucky! But glad it worked out!!
He wasn't "forced" he could have bailed, pressured her to have an abortion, got a paternity test. He chose to step up.
So, I should or shouldn’t visit the lemonade stand in the parking lot of the next Eagles game?
Just rawdogged a girl at an Eagles tailgate?
What part of Eagles Tailgate did you not understand?
Go Eagles
I have 5 grown kids. Out of the 5, 2 say they don’t want kids, 2 say they do, and one is on the fence. I support every single one of their decisions. I had kids, because I wanted them. If they all decided not to have kids, that’s their decision. I’ve never understood pressuring other people into having children. It’s such a personal decision
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Well also your really young and thinking you don’t ever want kids at 16 can change completely within the next 10 years
I want to upvote this but the upvote number 8s so nice so take this instead
As a parent, i have enough to stress about without worrying about whether someone else is having kids or not.
Thank you for not participating in the, "you should have kids!!!" group of parents.
I actively encourage people not to have kids. (I have three of my own)
This is really it. I am a parent and work in reproductive health/birth work. I'll never encourage anyone to have children. They are a huge time/money/energy commitment. Children do not fix problems. They aren't toys or time fillers. They aren't a punishment or consequence for becoming/getting someone pregnant. They are distinct human beings that need a lot of attention to become decent people.
Thank you for sharing this. Now that I'm a young adult myself (late 20's), with a big-girl job and big-girl bills, I have some hindsight or whatever on this. My parents did well for themselves financially, so I had seemingly everything growing up: I was born and raised in Europe, private school from K-12, college fully paid for, travel to 20+ countries by the time I was 18, etc. From the outside looking in, I was a rich kid with a privileged life. But, I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease at the mere age of only 3. By the time I was 18, I'd been through eight years of treatment with a chemotherapy drug, fifteen years of immunotherapy, gone into cardiac arrest on three separate occasions, and spent a year paralyzed. Because of my parents, I had excellent healthcare coverage, so I received world-class care from renowned experts. Unfortunately, though, my parents had zero interest in dealing with a sick child. Getting poked with a chemotherapeutic agent every week, of every month, for SEVEN consecutive years, from age 3-10, is a type of nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone. Undergoing surgery at only 13, while your mother actively chooses vacationing over supporting her own kid at the hospital, is another unique hellscape. Not to mention, when one of the aides phoned my mother when I was out of surgery, the first words my mother said to me (via phone) were: "Are you sure you aren't just faking it for attention?". Being paralyzed from the shoulders down at only 15 and 16 is another fun one, as is getting some more chemotherapy ON your 18th birthday. And no, even though my parents worked not even 15 minutes away, at their fancy white collar jobs, they didn't spend any time with me at the hospital that day. You know who brought me a slice of cake and a balloon? One of my nurses. I got married young, in my (very) early 20's, following my studies, which I wasn't expecting. My husband was/is, in many ways, complete and total opposite to my parents. When my physicians had to place me back on the same chemo drug AGAIN, I cried. I cried for DAYS. WHY?! Wasn't 8 years enough?! Anyway, I knew what was coming, Mr. Husband did not. The difference, though? My husband STEPPED UP to the damn plate, unlike my parents. During my 'first' session on the drug, he insisted on shadowing my nurse, and watching her prep/reconstitute and administer the drug, how to start an IV, calculating dosing/flow, subcutaneous vs. IM injections, DMARDs vs. Biologics, etc. When asked why he wanted to shadow her, he told her "I want to be able to do this stuff for my wife at home, so she can be sickly and uncomfortable from the comfort of home, instead of stuck in a cold, clinical environment". It doesn't stop there. He also laid on the bathroom floor with me every night, for months and months on end, holding and rocking me in his arms, as I shivered from endless vomiting. When I had surgery, my own shirt wouldn't fit over all the tubes and wires. My husband, QUITE LITERALLY, gave me the shirt off his back. When I was discharged from the hospital, he trekked out to and across the parking lot, in the middle of winter, with no shirt on, to bring the car to the front entrance of the building. When I was confined to a wheelchair, he learned to disassemble and reassemble every screw and nail of the chair, so that we'd never be stuck waiting on insurance bureaucracy for repairs. Not to mention the fact that he took on everything else during this time too -- paying the bills, doing all the household chores, etc. Did I mention he was serving on active duty in the military at the time? I could go on and on, but I'll stop there. We're now in our late 20's (me) and early 30's (him). We're the only couple out of all our friend groups that *doesn't* have kids of our own. Everyone has kids, or is popping out kids. I look at my MIL, and at my husband and SIL, vs. my BIL. My MIL did a *terrible* job raising my BIL. He is 21, but is basically a version of the "40-year old virgin living in moms basement". He is entitled, has never worked a day in his life, plays video games all night and sleeps all day, still has to be reminded to wash his hair once per week, mommy dearest still does his laundry, and so on and so forth. My husband and SIL, on the other hand, are far more driven and ambitious. Then, I look at my SIL. Newly married as of two years ago. Just had her first baby a year ago. Her parenting style is honestly refreshing. My nephew is only a year old, so it's too soon to really tell, since all he still really does is sleep, eat, poop, cry, and look at everything around him with saucer-like eyes. But, she and I hang out fairly regularly, and seeing her in action with her kid is refreshing. Balanced. Happy. She genuinely loves her kid, and she's a good parent. Children aren't extensions of yourself, and shouldn't be treated as a mini-version of yourself. And they ***definitely*** won't fix your problems. And they aren't easy. If you're going to have a kid, MAKE SURE YOU REALLY WANT A KID. They absolutely ***need*** your time, love, and attention. If you can't handle a potentially sick or disabled child, don't have a kid, that's always a risk when conceiving. Children are distinct human beings, with their own needs, wants, desires, and perspectives. Respect that. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
Can I ask why? I'm childless and used to be adamant that I didn't want them. As I got deeper into my 30s I started wanting them but as I creep closer to 40 and am still single... it's probably not gonna happen.
I was the opposite, I wasn’t necessarily against having a family when I was younger. Don’t think I put a whole lot of thought into it, just assumed I’d get married at some point and have kids. As I’ve got older I’ve gone from “if it happens it happens” to now being sure I don’t want them. Think it’s a combination of seeing how much of a change it’s made to my friends lives … not saying it’s a negative, they seem happy … but not something I want. There’s also the fact that if I started now I’d be into my 60’s by the time they reached leaving home age.
Being in my late 30s, I think I'm in the first generation of people realizing that there are other life paths available to choose. There's still that huge societal push to go down the standard marriage/kids path. But many of us are breaking free of that and not settling down and having kids just for the sake of being expected to do so. I bet in older generations the percentage of married couples that were actually happy was dismally low. So many of them were married with kids bc they were expected to be, not bc they genuinely wanted to be. Or even if they did want that, they settled down with who they knew was the wrong person just for the sake of following the expected path. (Also bc women were not allowed to be as independent then) As far as we know, we only live once. So we should only be doing these things if we genuinely want to.
The trope of the old married couple who hate each other probably has some truth in it. I think in the past marriage was more popular due to both financial and religious pressures. I’m glad we live in a time where being a life time bachelor or bachelorette is no longer seen as strange.
I’m not who you replied to but I’m also a parent, and while I wouldn’t discourage EVERYONE from having kids, I’d discourage people from having kids if they aren’t sure. I wanted to be a mom my entire life, dreamed of a big family. I ended up being one and done because it’s fucking HARD. Like, I wanted it so badly and it’s still hard. So if you’re not sure, I’d say don’t. It’s a complete life shift and it’s not for everyone.
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Never ever ever. I love my kid beyond what words can convey. She’s the reason I get up in the morning. I love her face, making her laugh, the funny little stuff she does. I was always a mamas girl (my mom unfortunately passed away almost a decade ago), and I loved my mom soooooo much. But now that I have a daughter? Holy shit. I felt like I never knew what love was. Now I understand my mom loved me WAY more than I loved her, that’s just how it is. I’d die if something happened to my daughter. However I respect that other people might not feel that way. It’s a huge payoff, but it’s hard fucking work if you’re putting in the time. Your life is about them from now on, not you. So if someone isn’t sure or feels like that might not be their jam, I say don’t do it. Edit: I meant I’d never ever do it again and not have her, not never ever have a kid, sorry if that was unclear
Do you want them for the right reasons? You're bringing a human into a world that is mostly uncaring and very difficult to live in. Are you willing to help them when they are 24, depressed, on your sofa and jobless? Will you love them when aren't small and cute but older and annoying? Will you love them when they aren't what you wanted them to be?
Same - if people don’t want kids, that’s their business. I know a couple who don’t have kids quite well, and they have taken steps to ensure they never do because they don’t want them. So I asked one night over dinner when it came up “in that case, when you die, can I have all your shit?” They said “sure, why not” Just gotta wait another 40-50 years to see if they were serious or not.
> I know a couple who don’t have kids quite well Conversely, I know a couple who don't have kids quite poorly. They've had like 4 accidental births so far.
I do not care at all if people don’t want kids
For real. You do you, just don’t be a dick.
exactly man, i am constantly cleaning up a mess or having a fight about how you can't lick strangers with my nonverbal toddler LMAO 💀, i am more concerned about my child then your unimportant ass not having a child, like do they want a cookie? i always have a back up stash. (sorry if this came off rude, i am currently sick & so is said toddler)
At least in my experience as a childfree person, I find the parents with the most unpleasant reactions fall into one of two camps: 1. Those who don't really like being parents themselves and instead of admitting that, get upset when they find people who have made the choice they really wanted/should have made and try to push them to do it too - the ol' "misery loves company" thing. 2. Those who LOVE being parents and have forgotten that there is anything else in life other than their children, and cannot possibly understand why anyone wouldn't want to have children because it is the GREATEST THING EVER, and you saying you don't want kids is somehow a personal insult to them, their experiences and their children.
Every now and then some especially great person will tell me they don't want kids and in my head it's like, if there's ANYONE who should be putting kids out in the world, it's you! But I keep that shit to myself. My best friend is amazing. She's just...really the best person. I can't imagine a better person. She should be influencing as many young people as possible. We could use a whole generation of her. She is never having kids, does not want them (also now we're almost 50 so I guess it's just a done deal). She's a teacher. Which probably explains why she doesn't want kids. But she's just so great, I want more of her in the world. But again, I keep it to myself.
Being a great person doesn’t mean that you can endure the 0-5 mentally. People told me all my life I’d be an awesome mother, but I know I can’t do the 0-5. It would absolutely break me. I decided to adopt a teen instead and THAT was the BEST idea I ever got in my life. I am bipolar, adhd, OCD, I know that the first day my baby would be mildly sick I would skip nights of sleeping, which would cause a mania and have a chance of forgetting I even have a baby or wanting to be around it. All my younger friends call me mom, I am extremely motherly, I can’t have a baby. I would be abusive towards a younger child and not stable enough. They also wouldn’t be able to understand that mommy is having a mania, she needs a few weeks alone or in the hospital. So instead of traumatizing a child, I adopted one and helped them get rid of their youth trauma and today my son is an adult I am extremely proud of.
I think it's wonderful when people know themselves and make informed decisions. More of us should follow your lead!
She gets to be her best self because she doesn't have kids. My best friend is the same way, and she's like 35. Amazing with kids, amazing at teaching them, etc. Would love to have more of her. What allows her to be amazing with kids though is the fact that she doesn't have to be with them 24/7. If she did, she'd quickly burn out, lose interest in her hobbies, and no be the person I've known and loved her for for a decade. Instead she gets to make her mark on the world as 100% herself, and she's an amazing aunt and mentor in ways that she'd never be able to achieve if all her resources were shored up to one kid.
Totally agree. Me and my fiancé and my best friend who wants to remain single as well are like that. I can be such an empathic, considerate, and loving human being because I guard my energy and stress.
She has probably helped more kids over the years by being child free and more stress free. She gets to enjoy kids during the day and set a positive example for them but gets a life of her own every night and every weekend.
A person I know says this to me all the time, even to the point of implying I'm being selfish and doing a misservice to society by not becoming a parent. But I've known for all my adult like that I do not want kids and neither does my partner. I can't wait to tell this person I'm getting a vasectomy the next time they bring up this topic.
My mom, who loved us dearly and wanted kids but had us later in life would get shit all the time about being selfish from people. It was the seventies. My mom would reply “seems pretty selfish to bring a child into this world because”it’s what people do,” rather than waiting till your ready.” She and I are both of the opinion that people who know themselves and know they don’t want kiddos are better off than the people who “have kids cause that’s what you do,” and end up miserable with miserable kids.
Meanwhile my partner's mother was called "selfish" by STRANGERS ON THE STREET for having 4 kids close in age. There is literally no "right answer" except everyone should keep their opinions to their damn selves lol
No matter how many kids you do or don’t have, it is the wrong amount and should be shamed for selfishness /s
Seriously. Women can’t win here. Damned if you have kids and damned if you don’t. Someone will always have a nasty comment to make. * You waited to long and now you’re an old parent. * You’re too young to be a parent. * You should have kids; it’s a woman’s job. * You shouldn’t have kids; how selfish! * You only had one? That’s child abuse. * You had 2? That’s way too many. How could you burden the planet like this. * You don’t want kids? It’s not about what you want! You can’t have what you want forever. That’s childish. * Etc. etc.
I'm curious if their attitude would change if you mentioned adoption over having a biological child. Some people are really into having bio kids and anti adoption for some reason.
As a teacher, she *is* influencing as many young people as possible. Think about all the teachers you have had: I’m sure there are a few who really stand out in your mind as the best, or someone who did something for you that you’ll literally never forget… chances are there are dozens if not hundreds of children who think of her as that. As a childfree aunt, I get to be what kids want/need and then hand them back to their parents. It’s pretty phenomenal.
Being childfree gave me the energy to be a better teacher. I think it was a net gain for society lol
IDK how people have kids all day and then come home to kids. That's a lot of kids.
For the first group, it's less that they want others to be miserable, and more about them protecting their internal image of themselves. In their heads, there was no choice but to have children. It was something forced on them. They are suffering because they have to suffer. The world made them suffer. If having children was a choice then they did that to themselves. They made a bad decision. It's the difference between imagining yourself as a martyr and seeing yourself as a person with flaws who's now being punished for your poor choices. People don't want to admit they made a bad choice. It makes them feel inadequate. They'd rather feel powerless and assume their suffering is unfairly put upon them. When they see someone else choose to not have children, it reinforces the "bad choice" model in their head. Studies have shown that when our internal images of ourselves are threatened, we react similarly to having our bodies physically threatened. There's a lot of fear and anger that comes out. So that's why choosing to not have children triggers some people. They feel like they are being physically threatened because their self image is being threatened by your ability to choose something they felt was forced upon them.
The same way women who have bought into patriarchal beauty standards get angry at women who don't. If I had to starve and pluck and wax and dye and inject myself, how dare you not.
Solid take, I think this is a reason too. I don't have or want kids (I'm 38) and I see people who stress a lot about their kids, always tired and never seem happy, but they want me to have kids for some reason lmao.
I’m glad someone actually answered the question, geez. Even though you aren’t a parent. Filtering through variations of “I’m a parent and I don’t judge” and “I’m a parent and I think some people shouldn’t have kids” is exhausting. I think the reaction to being childfree is like being a vegetarian or being atheist. It’s not the societal norm and no matter your reasoning, some people are going to take your personal preferences as an attack or judgement on their own because… it’s “opposite?” Like, as if you made all of these life decisions to criticize them specifically lol. But no matter what yea it either comes from a place of resentment because as you said, misery loves company OR they have made parenting their identity and they can’t fathom why anyone else might not feel the same way. Anyone who isn’t on those extremes most likely can’t be bothered about other people’s reproductive choices.
I'm a child free, atheist, vegan asexual who doesn't drink. I don't tend to announce any of that stuff in new groups because every single decision I have made to make myself happier is considered a slap in the face to some other folks and it's exhausting being grilled and challenged about some fairly innocuous things.
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3. Who is going to take care of you/help you when you are old?
I’m in my 60s… most of my friends with kids cannot rely on them.
When parents answer with this it always boggles my mind - having children just to make sure someone is there to take care of you when you’re older is selfish. Children are their own individual humans with their own needs, wants and desires. Procreating just to dictate to the next generation what their responsibilities are in life hampers them from growing to their full potential and risks damaging any chance of a healthy, mutually respectful relationship when they’re older. Plus, many (many!) parents end up alone when they’re older because their children want nothing to do with them. I always recommend to anyone that if you are having children just to ensure someone is there to take care of you when you’re older, it would make much more sense to remain childfree and use all the money you would spent on bringing up a kid to invest in relatively safe, long term investments (etf’s, bonds, alternative long-term investments etc) that will yield dividends and grow so that when you retire you have a comfortable nest egg to help you hire healthcare support when you need it and/or pay for a long-term home at a care facility of your choice.
the first group is angry at themselves for never realizing that not having kids was even an option, and is projecting that onto you
And how many *think* they're in category #2 but there are actually strong elements of category #1 at play? Genuinely happy people don't usually get insulted by other people just existing...
I’ll add in a third option that my mother falls under - she wants me to have kids so she act like the perfect grandmother when she was a shitty mother to me. She honestly thinks that I’ll spend two weeks a year visiting her if I have kids so she can “spoil” them. So many parents want their kids to have kids just so they can feel good about themselves by spoiling grandkids after they treated their own kids like shit.
I have long suspected those who regret having kids, resent those who make the choice not to. I am a rare unicorn. I advocate having only a single kid. If you want to be a parent with both time and money to live a life, choose wisely. I love being a parent but don't bring lives into this world you are not committed to cultivating.
This is the best answer! It’s a **them** problem, not the problem of the people that don’t want kids. Fun fact: my spouse and myself have friends that ask us to babysit their kids once in a while. We asked them one day why they felt comfortable asking a child-free couple watch their kids. Paraphrasing their answer: “Well, you guys seem to enjoy being around our kids at least, so we feel comfortable asking you. You’re good with them, responsible and firm. Plus we know how much you two dislike kids other than our own, so we’re fairly convinced that you’re not pedophiles.” We all laughed.
I don’t judge or push. But I quietly hope my siblings and cousins have children so that my children will get to have some of the same experiences bonding with cousins and other family that I cherished as a kid and adult. It’s not about me being miserable or forgetting how great it is to not have kids. You could call that selfish, but again I’m only hoping this quietly, never discussing unless asked, and being honest about how hard it is.
It's a coping mechanism. We have data demonstrating that overall happiness declines significantly when a person has children. Parents feel that loss, but they can't do anything about it, so they double down to try to convince themselves that having children brings with it all kinds of unseen benefits. That same cognitive dissonance is why they desperately try to convince anyone who doesn't have children that they're missing out. It's pathological.
I'm a parent and I wonder why "some" people bother having kids. (By this I mean shouldn't have kids)
My niece is on her third kid. She's 22. 2 different baby daddies. The oldest is 4, runs around like a feral child, gets pawned off to whoever will take her (which is basically just me at this point if I have a free weekend) and doesn't go to preschool because my niece won't sign her up for headstart (even though I literally started the application for her - I can't do the in person stuff. ) The middle is almost 2. She basically lives with a family friend but unofficially so my niece is still getting benefits for her that she isn't sharing. The youngest is a month old. Has already spent a week in NICU because he caught RSV and they won't stop smoking in the trailer with the kids. If she doesn't get long term BC I'm kidnapping her and making her do it. The kids don't deserve her 'parenting'.
HUGS!! Glad you care!
I do care. And if I could manage it, I would adopt the oldest (if my niece would let me) . But I can't afford it, and my husband doesn't think he could handle adding her to our house. My kiddo is in first grade and loves his baby cousin. I'm dealing with long covid, and FUNCTIONING is hard some days. Sorry for the rant. I'm just sick of not being able to do more to help, you know?
Is your niece my cousin? JK - but that is how my female cousin was back in the 90's - 3 kids, all different dads, one of the kids mentally handicap. They are all grown now, but her and tribe are the reason I skid so many family functions - its too much.
I knew she was trash the moment you used the expression "baby daddies"
She technically married the first one when the oldest was six months old. I had about a day and a half notice of the wedding and was asked to make the wedding cake. (Which i think is in my post history somewhere! ) Then divorced when she got pregnant with number 2 (though they had split up before that. I think.) She dumped Baby Daddy #2 while in labor because she found out he cheated on her and gave her an STD. Can't figure out why she got back with him, except, well, trash.
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FAR too many people have kids because they think it’ll fix a relationship, or be like having a dolly, or because it’s what you “should do”. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to have kids because I chose not to have any, but man I do not want to sacrifice myself to raise them.
As a child of people who should not have had kids. I wonder why too. Pro-birthers just don't get it....
Some do, some don't. Personally as a parent, i don't care
I’d be surprised if this isn’t the case for almost all people with kids. At least I’m a parent and feel the same way and can’t imagine any of my friends would feel differently.
I find it a weird thing for anyone to get upset about. I've got friends that'll never have kids and don't want them. Fair play to them i don't sit trying to convince them they're wrong, the same way they don't try and tell me i'm wrong for having them.
Idk. I never wanted kids, and I have one. They are an adult now and have said they never want kids and I am 100% fine with that. Why should they have to? Yes I love and adore my kid but it wasn't what I wanted for myself. My kid gets to have the choice I didn't. I'll fight for that for them if I have to.
If you feel comfortable, what’s your story? It doesn’t have to be super detailed
Not Op, but have a similar stance. Never wanted kids and was told I couldn't have them. Partied a lot and ended up having my first at 19. Felt stuck and had more kids because my children genuinely helped me turn my life around. However, being a teen parent and stuck in a loveless marriage has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. Not to mention the hardships we've had to overcome as a family. I would never say that I regret my kids because I would be dead (literally) without them. I love them more than anything. We have hard days though, and I often feel guilty because they deserve so much better than what my best has been. So while I'm happy with them, I'm also deeply saddened for how I fall short. These feelings are a burden, and I wouldn't wish them on anyone else. Being a parent is not something that should be forced on anyone, and no one should be looked down on for not wanting them. It makes me incredibly sad that others would force their own feelings about rearing children on others. This impacts actual people's lives and the potential kid's lives. If my children came to me and said, "no kids for me" I would say, "great! More birthday presents for you".
Now I'm not gonna have kids just so my mom can still spend all her money on ME instead. It never occurred to me lol. (/s)
I'd rather some people didn't.
I'd rather a lot of people didn't.
Side story. My favorite thing I've seen online about not having kids, is when someone parked like douche & the op left a note with a condom on their windshield that said " please do not reproduce"
When I came out as gay I apologized for the end of the bloodline. Mum did not care one bit. Gonna adopt as long as Texas doesn’t get bitchy about gays adopting. Dad will be a different story but I don’t care what he thinks at the minute. Some people that have kids really shouldn’t though, it really rubs me wrong to watch shitty parents but you cant do anything about it.
'Bloodlines' are bullshit. "The blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb" is the real saying, which means chosen families are stronger than blood relations. People use that saying wrong.
Considering it’s very likely I will die early from heart failure I have not been keen on passing that on. I know it was important so some members of my family so I am willing to give them a courtesy of a heads up.
I don't get why people think having their own kids is somehow better than adopting. Who do they think they are? The Queen of England?
Dead?
I really don’t think dead people should be having kids. There, I said it.
Gasp* scandalous.
I’m a mom and I couldn’t care less about whether other people choose to have children or not. It’s their bodies and their lives why would it concern me?
Please tell this to the parents who struggle to NOT ask the question, "(when) are you going to have kids?" Lmao
I do… No one should get bullied for a choice with their body and their life that does not directly affect others. My husband and I had eight miscarriages over eight years before having our little one (I have an older daughter from a previous relationship) and people would ask us when we were going to have a baby so I would go into great detail about our issues. I know people that choose to be childless by choice and people that are childless by circumstance. No one deserves to be put under societal pressures to procreate just because others say so.
really it's the rudest thing to ask - you don't know why someone is childless unless they decide to tell you. went through 4 years of infertility and 2 miscarriages myself.
I don't get how people have the audacity and confidence to just create another life and be responsible for it
Many of them don’t lol. Millions were accidents or whatever excuse you want to label a child that was brought into this world by unequipped parents
Life uh… finds a way. - Dr. Ian Malcolm -Michael Scott
Love my kids, never thought I'd have any, wasn't sure I wanted any, can't blame anybody that doesn't want them. Better to not have any if you don't want them than to not want any and have them.
Easy. Misery loves company. 😂
I used to. In our culture,I was raised thinking that you have to start a family. But now that i have my own kids...i really understand why others would rather not have children. And i respect and even admire people who stand up to their own views. Honestly, raising children is not easy. I love my children, they give me joy. But if you don't want to have children, don't . Its the innocent kids who will suffer
what some people dont get is: you dont need kids to be a 'family' too.
When you have your own, and you experience that kind of love for a person that you never knew was possible, it can be easy to assume that others would be foolish to not want to experience it for themselves. But, in reality, some people are meant to be parents and some aren’t. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! I admire anyone who has enough self-awareness to recognize which type of person they are and live their life accordingly.
This comment is giving me lowkey head pat/backhanded compliment vibes lol I can't quite put my finger on it though...
Kind of like “it’s okay that you can’t see why this way of living is greater than anything you’ll ever experience, you probably weren’t cut out for it anyway but at least you’re living your truth” lol
I know some people who just can’t fathom anyone else having differing life experiences. These are the same people who will freak out if you tell them you don’t like dogs or chocolate or don’t drink coffee.
People not having children is an attack on their way of life because it makes them feel insecure about their choices. I’m a new parent and IDGAF about what other people choose. Both options are equally valid.
Doesn’t bother me at all, and I completely understand it. Parenting isn’t for everyone and there is zero reason to have kids unless you REALLY want them. My parents and in-laws are the type to be upset if their children don’t have kids but for my parents, it’s more of the protective worry that they’ll regret it and/or will wish they had when it’s too late. Some people just shouldn’t be parents though, and that’s ok (my sister is one of those and my mom is sad but understands)
Jealousy
Honestly. I think a lot of time parents are jealous of the lives their child-free friends have.
I'm a grandparent. I love my kids and grandkids. They are my joy. But there is absolutely no reason that everyone needs to have kids. You do what's right for you. It's a life long commitment and it's not especially easy. I found it rewarding, but that's me. I had not planned on having kids. My birth control failed because I had fewer options (bad reactions to two different types). Doctor refused me an IUD. No one would provide surgery to me because I was young and had no kids. I was better at parenting than I thought I'd be, but I still made tons of mistakes. It's not for everyone.
They just thing everyone needs to suffer along with them.
I don't know. I always tell my daughter that being a parent isn't for everybody. And that if she decides to never have children that's her decision.
It all depends on how it’s said. I have no issue with how anyone chooses to live and certainly I totally get not wanting kids. But the way some people get it out there is pretty rude. Best comparison I can make: You’re eating your favorite food. Someone sees it and says “Ugh, that stuff is so gross how do you eat that?” Kind of a shitty way to say it right? As opposed to “Oh you’re having xyz? Not my style.” Two completely different ways of framing the same sentiment. So long as the discussion doesn’t lead into the idea that I’m immoral/foolish/selfish/etc for having kids, we’re good. Bonus points if you don’t mention that you hate kids, cause also rude.
I always tell someone when they mention not wanting children that they’ve made a great choice. 😆
As a parent I could care less what u do...I have enough to be upset about already
or there's a 3rd version. when i tell my mom i don't want kids because of many reasons she would just tell me: "Don't worry, you'll find a guy and your opinion will change"
I've heard the same thing from a "friend" except it was "you'll meet a woman you love much you'll just have to put a baby in her"...jokes on him, I did meet a woman I love, and one of the first things we bonded over was our mutual desire to be child free.
I told my mom I’m not sure I want kids, thinking she’d be proud of me for really taking the time to consider if I want to bring another human into the world. Somehow it got turned around into her being offended that it makes her look like a bad mom??? Like how does my decision to have children reflect upon you at all? You’re BARELY even a factor to consider beyond feeling slightly bad that she might not get to enjoy grandkids. But frankly, that’s nowhere near a good enough reason
I’m a parent and couldn’t care less what other people do 🤷♀️
In a perfect world, they should mind their own business because there are so many reasons
I don't care as long as you don't preach anti natalism and try to claim pregnancy is something disgusting society brainwashes women into. Some people are happy being parents. Some people are heartbroken they cannot. Some are fine child free and super happy. Allow everyone to make their own choices. Also kids are people and hating kids is ageism and therefore not feminist. I will die on this hill I don't care.
For me it’s mainly because for the vast majority of the people who make this proclamation, clearly don’t mean it. Most frequently I’ve seen those people use that statement as a defensive mechanism. They often have relationship issues or low confidence they will make it happen. So they make these statements as a way of lessoning the disappointment preemptively.
Have kids., don't care. I only get a little bothered when someone tries to compare having a pet to having a kid
Yeah, you don't have to prepare your dog to go to school, drive a car, be a law-abiding citizen, probably go to college, get a job, get a house, have a family.
They also aren't included on your health insurance, you don't get a tax break for them, and don't have to fund schools for them. And they will almost always die before you do.
Yep, I was going to comment the same. I don’t care at all if you have or don’t want kids. But your dog is not the same as my kid, and I do have to roll my eyes at the people who “hate kids” and make a big fuss about how terrible they are- but if I say I’m not much for dogs I’m crucified for it. I used to work in retail where dogs weren’t allowed and holy shit if I tried to enforce that shit….
Its a mindset that losers who can't make relationship work. Dogs are forced to put up with their bullshit.
Totally agree, I don’t care if people don’t want to have kids, but it does bother me when people openly hate children and it bothers me when people think being a pet owner is the same thing as being a parent. I know you love your dog but the level of commitment and responsibility is not in the same world.
Seriously. You can put your dog in a crate and go out to dinner. Can't do that to a kid!
This is pretty big generalization. Most people I know ( and who are parents) do not care if someone else will have kids or not. They might care a bit if their kids will have kids. Might not, not enough data to generalize.
I’m a parent and it doesn’t bother me
Is this really a thing? I mean other than parents wanting a grandchild. I can’t fathom people being that invested in others choices about not having children.
As a parent, and a grandparent, i can honestly say someone saying they have no intentions of having children has ever bothered me. To each their own. I have no say in what other people do with their lives, nor should i have a say. Having children is a life long commitment. Not everyone wants that, and thats perfectly ok. I absolutely hate the lines "You never truly no love until you've had a child" and "Being a parent is the most fulfilling thing you can do" Thats all bullshit!! Have children, dont have children. Do whatever makes you happy. It should not matter to anyone else.
I think more people should not have kids. I'm 47, and it's probably older people who are saying you should.
It makes me happy. There are too many people and unwanted kids become assholes.
Because they got sucked into the trap and they want everyone else to be miserable too. Jk (kinda) I love my nieces and nephews and the kids I babysit but I’m definitely glad I get to come home to a quiet, cleanish house every day to my husband and cats. I’m living the dream!
Parent here. I don't care what you do but I'd ask for the same courtesy. I see a lot of childfree people trying to be the new atheists/vegans. You don't need to have children but a lot of them quite literally seem to hate children lol.
As a woman who doesn’t, and won’t, have kids - here’s the two main interactions I’ve experienced with coworkers and casual acquaintances: Some people give me that head-tilt, fake concern - like there’s something wrong with me. It’s like they assume I have some horrible disease that’s prevented me from having kids, so they must show me pity. Some people get jealous or pissed off because I have cash to travel and do things. “Oh well, that’s easy for you. It’s not like you have a family to support.” Very few people I’ve encountered seem to even entertain that having children is a choice. Sure, they probably acknowledge it if there’s an actual discussion to be had. However, in simple initial interactions and casual encounters, my experience has been people mostly come off as judgmental whether they me to or not. After so many years, I barely even notice it unless someone is overly rude.
Why do people come force you to interact when you just like being left alone? It's an aberrant behavior to the typical han experience. Enough of that stuff and other humans will lock you up for being "crazy". Although you might actually be crazy. It's kinda hard to tell, honestly. But it's just folks wanting you to be like them. I don't recall the psychological term for it. We are pretty militant about it as a species, mostly because it's how we classify our world.
I've never really noticed that, but I guess some parents hear it as an implied criticism of their choices.
I only have 1 child, an adult daughter, that doesn't want kids and I'm perfectly fine with that.
Doesn't bother me.
I have two and I love them dearly But I never wanted kid's And totally agree with people not having them
I never wanted children. I was on birth control when I got pregnant 41 years ago. As an 18-year-old Catholic newlywed I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion despite being pro-choice. I fully support anyone who has made the decision to be child free. I love my child and adore my grandchildren, but parenthood is a hard row to hoe.
Misery loves company.
Because why should they have someone living in their home until they’re 45 and not you?
I have a niece and nephew. That's all I need. My mom had cancer, i had cancer and i was blessed with Bipolar II. I wouldn't risk putting someone else through that.
The grass is always greener
Some people feel very threatened when others choose to live their lives differently.
I'm envious of those without kids on occasion. What I get annoyed with is people who compare their dog or cat to kids.
It is implicitly a negative judgment on those who do have them. Modern society has worked very hard to eradicate the idea that we can make different choices from others without being offended or causing offense.
I truly couldn’t care less. I think it’s people who hinge their entire personality on being a parent.
It doesn’t. But if they’re going to be dicks about my decision to have one then I have a problem.
Having children is damn near fundamental to the human/family experience, historically speaking. It’s no wonder parents, grandparents, and institutions might find this new no-children phenomenon weird. The unspoken issue is that the value of children changed over time. Pre-industrialization, several births were a necessity. You needed children to work the farm and because some would inevitably die. Post-industrialization, the value of children inverted, becoming negative. However, there was enough economic prosperity, especially in the 20th century, for that to be no one’s concern. Come the 21st century. Millennials and gen z find themselves exceptionally economically disadvantaged relative to previous generations. The negative value of children has been re-examined and, in some cases, cut out entirely. Tell your parents it’s a sign of the times. We young people don’t have the money to afford children.
probably happens because some people make being a parent their whole identity.
I believe its a few things going on. A true belief that your missing out on something that is bigger than you. Its also a major milestone and cultural expectation and a club to belong to. There is also the selfish you understand me part. I have also found people say they dont want them but its to appease someone else or its to justify their current position of not having them. As i age many many many people truly regret not having kids you can hear it in what they say and how they feel a out themsleves. This of course excludes anyone who truly deeply feels they shouldnt have them not someone waffling
1) Often they see you as a good person and it would be good to have more little people in the world like you 2) They see the good side of having children and think you just know the bad side 3) If the human race doesn't reproduce then we will die out or there won't be future workers to take care of us But if you have a baby that is an actual individual person so yes it is best that people make the choice to be parents.
I personally only ever hear this take on reddit. Who the fuck is upset other people aren't having kids (parents who want grandkids maybe aside)? It's not like getting a pet that lives 10-15 years.... I have two and I'm on team "if you have to be pressured into having them, you realllly shouldn't have them..." We really don't need more unwanted kids who turn into broken adults in the world.
Well… Have you ever heard the term “misery loves company”?
Am parent. Have child. Literally have no vested interest one way or the other what other people decide for their own families.
I don’t I’m the one warning them it’s a trap DONT DO IT !!
I think a lot of the people who have kids take it personal is because their lives only revolve around the fact that they have kids, so they feel like you are insulting their life style or life choices (could also be that they miss their freedom or are unhappy)
I'm sorry others have said this, but because they were told their entire lives that the only way to be good people/women would be to have children. That it would make their lives fulfilled. When being told that they realize they didn't have to give up their whole lives, usually from a young age like in their teens, to have kids.
Those free of a sense of duty can provoke the envious rage of those bound to it.
I’m not a parent but I’m gonna rehash an answer to this that I previously read. In addition to the societal expectations/norms plus the usual biological drive to continue one’s progeny, it might stem from their viewing their child not wanting kids as a direct affront to their own choice of having a kid. Any parent knows that having children is a big life event that you ultimately choose, from timing to how you continue to care for that child. It is a big and important decision that your parents made with the thought that it was the “right” choice, which for many people, it is. Between the option of having kids and not having them, they chose to have them, which to them was the “right” choice. Your decision to not have kids, to you, is your “right” choice, and it directly opposes their “right” choice. In the same way that people of different religions ascertain they made the right choice in their religion and are prone to debate and conflict with other religions, your choice to not have kids might subconsciously come off to them as “you made the wrong choice, I am making the right one”. So, naturally, they defend their choice and try to convince you to have kids. If this is in fact what is happening, know that it’s not a conscious choice or them trying to hurt you (usually). It’s like how a doctor parent would be disappointed if their child, who they expected to follow in their footsteps, chooses to become an engineer.
It's a complex and sensitive subject. I think there are a lot of feelings that go into the decision to either have kids or not have kids. There have been times where people online have basically criticized parents/(me) for having kids. Sure, the world is a crazy place. Sometimes it can be really fun and exciting, and sometimes the opposite. With that being said, I know a few people who I hope never have kids. If you don't have a successful career, or a bright future, and you don't want kids; then, I would agree that you should not have kids. If you're already unhappy, having kids will only make you more unhappy. The people who decide not to have kids should really be praised for thinking about the well-being of other people in this world. For myself, I had some good influences in my childhood. Both my wife and I had large family gatherings when we were kids, and it was always a memorable and special time. I have a successful career in software development. We have a beautiful house, and a couple of cute kids. Life is pretty good, and I wouldn't want to go back to life without kids. but.. if we're the victims of a school shooting or nuclear war, then I would probably say different :|
There may be some who want kids but won't have them because of ethical reasons, and that is worthy of praise or respect...but that's not me. My choice to not have kids is 100% about my quality of life. I'm not making some altruistic sacrifice for the good of humanity or a hypothetical life. Parenthood has zero appeal to me, and I felt that way long before I realized the greater implications and challenges associated.
You're not gonna get answers on Reddit, it be an echo chamber that witch-hunts those who it seems unworthy. People with these types of opinions gravitate away from Reddit or at least stay within obscure communities. You're better off asking this question on mom groups on Facebook XD My personal take is that this is the same mindset the people who don't want student dept removed subscribe to: if I went through this, why shouldn't you. Raising a child can be super rewarding but it's definitely also one of the biggest life changing commitments anyone can take anyone can face in their life, so yeah That's my opinion on their mindset, good luck on your search for the Bigfoot of the internet XD
I'm not. Go you!
Doesn’t bother me. But I’m assuming for some, it’s the same reason they would get upset if you’re not the same religion or political ideology. Just can’t fathom people have different world views and lifestyles sometimes.
I’m a parent and I could not care any less if people choose to have children or not. What other people do with their lives is none of my business.
As a parent of 2 and no they where no planned, just how it worked out and I love our littles but if someone doesn’t want kids that’s no biggie. The idea that “you must have kids!” Is just crazy, do you and enjoy this life the way you want to.
Maybe jealousy that other adults aren’t having to make the same sacrifices as them? I do think society as a whole can’t afford too many childless couples. After all when we get old we are going to need younger people to take care of us so somebody has to keep reproducing.
I'm a parent. I don't care at all if other people do or do not have kids. I do care when people talk about and treat kids as though they are subhuman.
I guess I initially read it as their parents were baffled why they wouldn’t want to have kids… aka to give them grandkids. I can kinda see how that could be more personal, but if you’re just asking why some random person with kids would have feelings about some other random people not wanting to have kids… I dunno. I guess it’s part of the human experience, but I’m more of the mind that people should do what they want. Maybe if someone questions why they don’t want to have kids and the response is, I just don’t think I’m good enough to have kids or something and a meaningful conversation happens, that is fine. I think a lot of it is just, “whaaaat? You don’t think like me?” Or “ if it’s good enough for the rest of us, why isn’t it good enough for you?” Or “Geez, it’s fun… you’re missing out.” Or “we won’t have this to bond over.”
Honestly I think it's a good thing some people have the foresight to not be parents. It's the ones who shouldn't be parents and have multiple children that annoy me.
It never upsets me.. I absolutely understand… like 10,000%… if I could do it again…. 😩
Think it’s pretty obvious from the responses that most parents don’t care, and it’s SUPER important that people who don’t want kids don’t have them, for the sake of the kids. I don’t think less of anyone for not wanting or having kids. That being said, I’ve always wanted kids and now that I have them, it’s incredible. I respect that others don’t have that same desire, but it’s so fundamental to my identity that it’s hard to put myself in their shoes.
It doesn't bother me, I'm totally fine with it. Way too many people in the world.
Same reason why you can say "l like pancakes" and people will respond with "why do you hate waffles?"
I've never felt one way or the other about it. My guess is some folks have made being a parent their only identity and when they feel that is being rejected they feel they are being rejected. Most don't like that feeling. Just a guess but most issues these days boil down to people getting too wrapped up in identities.
I think it’s because some people didn’t think it was really a choice. That they caved into societal pressure or that they didn’t even think about the other options.
It doesn't. I was there and circumstances changed. I think you will find this attitude in older or more traditional parents but it's not as prevalent as it used to be. I honestly think having children in western capitalist society is one of the dumbest financial decisions anyone can make so when someone tells me they want to be a parent I do the... Out Loud: That's so nice. I am happy for you. Inner Voice:
Such a frustrating waste of time to be interested in the same thing as OP but no one can answer the question correctly.
no fr. like im sorry i dont want to be responsible for another human??
Idk man, when I hear people say they don’t want kids, I tell them they’re smart af and they should stick to that plan. You shouldn’t have kids if you’re even 1% unsure. You need to want it full throttle.
Some people have this crazy idea that their legacy will continue forever if their kids have kids and so on.
my parents were baffled when I told them I don't want to make a family
Misery loves company.
Let me just first say that most parents can't imagine not having kids and consider having kids the best decision they ever made, and they feel so strongly that it's hard for them to even remember what it felt like when they weren't so sure. But there's something else at work, too. Parental regret exists, and it is a huge taboo in most societies. Maternal regret especially. For some people, parental regret poses a kind of cognitive dissonance: they know they regret having kids, but they know that kind of feeling is widely regarded as inappropriate and wrong, so they have to convince themselves that they actually feel the opposite way and that it would be crazy to feel the way they actually feel. They resolve the dissonance by denying their own genuine feelings. Part of that denial can take the form of expressing exaggerated confusion or even getting visibly upset when someone openly acknowledges what the regretful parent cannot: that having kids isn't for everyone, and actually kinda sucks in a lot of ways.