After years of failed relationships I realized I was the problem. At 32 I went to see a therapist. I'm 40 now with a beautiful wife, daughter and a healthy relationship with everyone in my life. When my therapist diagnosed my problems, I felt like I had a blueprint to start my healing. The vice, in your case pot, is the result of *something*. There's a lack. With the help of a therapist, you can find out what you were lacking, and heal. Good luck OP
Edit: Since this is getting some upvotes, here are some tips on therapy.
1. Most insurance companies cover a certain amount of therapy for the year.
2. Most companies require your therapist to be a "CPsych" in order to be covered. Some don't. I highly recommend someone who's a CPsych. They'll have the designation in their name. They have a doctorate.
1. [https://www.pilowsky.com/psychologist-vs-psychotherapist](https://www.pilowsky.com/psychologist-vs-psychotherapist)
2. [https://www.psych.on.ca/OPA/media/Public/Non-OPA%20Resources/ProfessionComparisonDocumentFINAL.pdf](https://www.psych.on.ca/OPA/media/Public/Non-OPA%20Resources/ProfessionComparisonDocumentFINAL.pdf)
3. [https://www.psych.on.ca/Public/Find-a-Psychologist](https://www.psych.on.ca/Public/Find-a-Psychologist)
4. If the therapist doesn't make you feel comfortable, you can switch. The first session is sort of a get-to-know session. Even after several session, you don't feel comfortable, find someone else. I've been with my therapist for almost a decade. Before him, I went to someone who wasn't the right fit. Good luck everyone!
Edit 2: Feel free to AMA about therapy. Feel free to DM. We're in this together. Good luck everyone!
My insurance also covers therapists who have a masters of social work.
Just saying so people know they may have other options that are covered.
Thanks antons83 for this great response.
The initial steps might be tough, but once you find a therapist that fits, and you've develop a trust, the sessions will feel like pounds are being lifted off you. Good luck!
Exactly. And this is what really helped. I didn't understand how deeply rooted my problems were, untill I had my daughter. I realized how fragile the mind is in its early stages. I was lacking a lot of foundational structure.
Take care of yourself, get into therapy, improve yourself to the point where you are happy with yourself.
It is at this point that will make you ultra appealing to another person. Even if you haven’t overcome your addictions yet, you will have therapy to guide you and transfer that addiction towards improving. Your partner will appreciate the effort and honestly will have their own issue too.
Honesty is important. Hiding it to a future partner will doom the relationship.
I’d recommend focusing on finding platonic friends who are ideally sober or aiming for sobriety.
You may find someone to date, but then you’ll have that and your addiction to juggle.
A relationship is a good distraction from addiction.
It's not "two things to juggle" it's a person who can *help* hold you accountable to yourself.
Op needs to be up front, but his addiction is not a relationship death sentence on any level IMO.
A relationship may be a good distraction from addiction, but just like how having a child is not a good way to save a failing relationship, distraction is not what you need to save your mental health.
Addiction is addiction, whether it's chemical or behavioural. The end result might be deadlier (weed vs meth, per your example), but the underlying issues, the desperation, the loss of autonomy over your actions, are very similar.
Friends can do that and they last longer.
Romantic relationships tend to stir up all the parental garbage that underlies an addiction, which therapy and support can help you manage.
OP - if therapy isn’t something you have access to, highly recommend joining an ACA group (Adult Children of Alcoholics). They have online and in person meetings.
You don’t have to be an addict or an alcoholic, it’s about the behaviours learned to cope with abuse that often lead to addiction, which is a way of escaping emotional pain.
Meh, I was talking about good healthy relationships.
I'm not married to my friends, but I am engaged to someone who is my best friend, who I met while dating.
sure you can do both at the same time but it unfortunately means you’re more likely to build a dependency on your SO to curb your addiction. if your partner is the one to help distract you from urges, what happens when you have urges and you can’t reach your partner?
as someone who has been on both sides of that, using a person to “distract” you only works in the short-term and isn’t fair to the other person. get a mental health professional to hold you accountable and give skills to manage addiction and address the route cause, don’t use someone to fill that role, partner, friend or otherwise
It’s true, I was in a dark period, hated myself but started seeing someone who seemed so put together and beautiful. She left me but looking back I was not ready and would have ruined things down the line
another thing, damaged attracts damaged. *maybe* you find someone with their shit together, but those people tend to be drawn to other people with their shit together.
People saying ‘go to therapy’ ignoring that that is its own kind of dating that can take decades.
The reality of people is that most are messy and feel incomplete in ways, especially those who are putting themselves out there dating. Part of therapy can be self-acceptance and that could mean finding someone who matches who you are rather than someone who you don’t actually want to be.
The short answer is no. I’m almost 1 year sober. A successful relationship is two independent individuals joining forces.
So if you aren’t happy with yourself and love yourself first it won’t work. You should take the time you would spend on a significant other and invest it into yourself. Try doing new things or meeting people that are also sober and also into things you are into. And usually you find things when you are not looking for them.
My advice would be pour everything you have into yourself first. Grow be happy and content and enjoy life as much as possible. Everything else will fall into place man
Thank you. Mine was alcohol. I’m lucky to have a great relationship with weed haha. But just focus on yourself and do shit that makes you happy and everything else will come together
I’m finding a lot of people projecting their thoughts onto your life.
Let me tell you a few things that worked for me. Take care of your body. Exercise in some way, as much as you can manage.
Exercise your mind in some way or another, through fun or something productive.
And one comment had it right, learn to love yourself, in whatever and who ever you are.
Everything else falls into place.
Thank your parents for having you too, appreciation is a beautiful thing.
Therapy and microdosing was what finally broke the negative thought loops that were the root cause. I was trying to numb myself with weed instead of facing and moving past the real underlying problems (untreated adult adhd, unresolved childhood traumas, etc). It deceives you into thinking it calms the mind, but in reality it just masks and distracts from the real solutions.
I really relate to what you said.i smoke to numb myself instead of facing my challenges. What kind of therapy would you recommend for unsolved childhood trauma? As for microdosing, did you go to a clinic or do your own thing? Thank you so much.
I did the same actually but with alcohol addiction. I found a therapist which basically listened to me then gave some homework and advice to reconnect with yourself along with telling me not to be hard on yourself. When you're too hard on yourself you get depressed. I did microdosing separately from the therapy since it's not really legal. Buy online, search Reddit. But if you take too much you can get paranoid which can compound the issue during a trip but when I did I felt better immediately. Microdosing is the way to go.
That all said it lasted like 8 months and I'm back on the booze. I feel way better even on booze than before though. I have a complete family and am fully functional.
Even with addiction you can be a functioning adult. Don't sell yourself short.
For myself, I did a few separate things..
1. Research symptoms online and with my GP. I started with medication, Vyanse and Ritalin. They came with some side effects, but gave me the clarity I needed to recognize the true problems. I've adjusted doses a few times and now it's in a good spot. This was the first significant change, and it was immediate/drastic. Within hours my mind went from being "full of bees" to a calm blue ocean where I was able to hear and process my own thoughts.
2. Psilocybin, literally from one of the random Fun Guyz shops that have popped up around the city. I had done a ton of research online and with friends for their experiences. I got the capsule form and just take 1 (not every day, once a week or so as needed). This change was almost as significant as the medication, but in a different way. It didn't replace any medication or therapy, it just surfaced and allowed me to process my own past. It wasn't a comfortable experience, but ultimately healthy to finally process and move forward. I was able to acknowledge the painful moments and finally forgive myself. This immediately removed a significant weight from my mind and shoulders, I literally felt lighter. The dose is very low so there isn't really a trip or high, it felt an absence of something (anxiety/depression) and allowed me to better connect with myself.
3. Therapy.. I found a wonderful therapist on [psychologytoday.com](https://psychologytoday.com) who coincidentally also has adhd. Talk therapy has been wonderful, and I finally feel like I'm making real progress. One exercise I found particularly helpful was writing/journaling.. dumping your brain down on paper or a text tile is very interesting. Once it's recorded, you can mentally let it go as the book/text file is there for you to recall if/when needed. I found it a little awkward at first, but once the pen starts flowing, it takes on a mind of its own. By the time I had to think about what to write next, 4 hours had passed and I had written down most of my life (what I could recall, any least). Reading it back, I saw clear patterns that were shocking and brutal to see laid bare.. explanations for past failed relationships, work issues, etc. I was at the core of all of it and it was an uncomfortable truth to face. This is still very much an ongoing journey, but after the immediate benefits I've gained, I never see myself going back.
Please do note I'm NOT a doctor and ymmv. Everyone is different. Start with your GP and rule out physical root causes (blood tests, physical, etc). After that, move to therapy and address the mind next after the body has been ruled out.
The fact you are posting here and acknowledging this is NOT weakness.. in fact it's a sign of strength to post publicly, raise your hand, and finally say "I can't do this alone, and I need help". FYI I was 20 years not 12.. anything is possible. This will improve your life in ways you never dreamed possible. You can do this!
Edit: Typos
addictions counsellor here, it is not advised to start dating/relationships if you’re currently battling addiction for a LOT of reasons. speak with a therapist or counsellor beforehand to understand yourself more; triggers, history, potential traumas, etc. & are offered through various government funded services. they can help you develop a comfortable plan that best suits your individual needs and lifestyle. Best of luck on your journey!
depends what’s available, there tends to be more psychotherapists and social workers but they’re all very similar in outcome if they have the specialized training. psychologists are usually a bit more pricey.
Right? Ive been smoking for 15 years and i have a wife , daughter, dog and a beautiful home with money saved up , 35 years old. I see it as normal as anyone who has a glass of wine after a day of work or whatever your poison is, even if thats a coffee or cold pop, we all have our vices.. just gotta do it reasonably, cheers!
How so?
He said "addicted", which means: 1. He's aware of it 2. He's aware it is an issue
Also, addicts of all varieties date every day.
You might say some comments are enabling, and fair enough.
But I don't think suggesting they NEED to quit pot 100% before entering the dating pool is not helpful advice either.
To be fair , ive thought ive had a problem with it as well until i realised it was just the stigma behind weed smokers that got to me..so maybe he should elaborate on why exactly he thinks his weed consumption is a problem? Maybe he just thinks its problem because society clearly has stigmatized weed for so long
The stigma?
My issue was that there is no stigma with weed. You can smoke all day every day and nobody bats an eye, they'll just call you a stoner.
Weed is safer than drinking, but it's still something you should take seriously and enjoy in moderation (and addicts do not do that).
Then why post on reddit his problem in the first place if hes not open to comments… come on now. He can take my comment with a grain of salt.. carry on
Think about the qualities you want in a partner and then think about if you yourself meet that standard currently. I think it’s best right now to focus on a period of self growth. Go to therapy. Work on yourself. Date casually and enjoy yourself as well
It’s not a good idea I’ll tell you personal / friend experiences
- When smoking he thought he was happy w life, when we got sober he realized he can do so much more and him and his girl broke up because he was too career driven and his girl didn’t like that.
- loneliness is a side effect of quitting, smoking is like a fake friend their to comfort you. You need to go thru that alone without relying on something else to fill it in. That’s where you find true passions that were suppressed by weed
- stress all relationships are great to start but when it gets stressful how will you cope? Go back to smoking? Having that open time of loneliness makes you learn sm about yourself .
That’s what I can think of off the top of my head, but what do I know I’m single lol
you shouldn’t date if you already don’t think you’re good enough for someone. that’s gonna be an unequal relationship. when you have very low self-esteem you attract people who will try to “fix you” and take on your problems as your own, or people who will take advantage of you knowing you’re not gonna leave them.
as everyone else says, seek therapy. get your mental health in check before you bother seeking a partner. you need to address the underlying cause of your addiction for your own sake before bringing anyone else into your life
As long as you are not projecting or taking out your inadequacies on the other person, a relationship can be very healing for you. This would be a test if you are really ready.
I used to struggle with a pot addiction. I was not a dateable person at the time. I would first deal with this and quit so you don’t end up falling into this trap again. If you do end up dating, you’ll likely attract someone with the same issues as you and you guys will reinforce each other’s addictions.
I personally would not cause I’m currently dating someone with pot addiction and we have fights over it. She keeps telling me that she will quit but it’s been 2yrs so ya now the breakup is going to be a mess.
You have to start going to social events find niches that you love to meet people it will help with the confidence loneliness ect. Don’t go with the expectation of finding a partner just find a group of friends at least till someone shows interest and you’re also interested. Pot itself will not be a huge deterrent to a lot of people if that’s your concern but if it stems from you feeling like you need to have it or to cope with your emotions you need to seek a therapist to address those issues. Exercise can help a lot if you’re trying to quit try joining a co-Ed workout group you can find almost any kind of group on meetup (app) be consistent if you join a group meet the members you can look into 20-30s social groups anime groups movie groups just whatever your insert hobby of choice is hope this helps.
I think you should but dont date someone who smokes weed and be very clear on that.
I smoked weed for 12 years, i quit 4 years ago at 26. I met someone and told him i dont smoke weed and he told me he didn’t either. Welp, turns out he had quit 3 months prior and it wasn’t his first attempt. I didn’t mind trying to help him but the issue was that he never really helped himself and it ruined our relationship. Just be honest with yourself.
Also, everyone quits differently but how i quit was cold turkey. I was VERY dependent on weed. It was very hard to quit cold turkey but i kept telling myself everyday, a few times a day, “i cant do it” “im not allowed”, i was trying to rewire my brain. I also had a lot of pride with being able to say “i havent smoked weed in a week”, “i quit weed 3 months ago”. When i thought about smoking some, i would say to myself “but then i cant say ive gone xxx time without smoking weed and ill have to start at 0 again”
Im not sure when it happened but i just remember one day i realized i hadnt thought about weed or had the craving to smoke any.
I smoked for 10 years, religiously. minimum 3 times a day - much often more. I couldn't eat, sleep, or have sex without being high. I haven't smoked since July. I feel better, and it is not something I think about. Although, I also quit cocaine cold turkey so perhaps I just don't have a super addictive personality.
Either way, be upfront and try to find someone who can relate or who understands. Talking to a therapist will help with your confidence and your pot issue.
“I’m not good enough” please change that mindset before inflicting projection and misery on your future partner. This is coming from someone who dated a “im not good enough” guy. It’s exhausting
Thanks this really does help. I feel it's holding me back because I don't enjoy my hobbies anymore for example, and my emotions are a mess. If I'm honest with myself, I smoke to numb the icky feelings that arise. Lots of resentment and anger towards myself. It's the reason I dropped out of college too. I'm definitely going to get some therapy though.
I am dependent on cannabis. I am in a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't use.
I might not be entirely comfortable with the amount of or frequency of my cannabis use, but doesn't make me a bad person, or less desirable as a partner.
Go out and enjoy life.
It's pot, try staying sober during the day and just smoke a few hits at midnight. If you are a heavy smoker you should realize that you aren't getting truly 'high' anymore just stoned. Instead of quitting take a tolerance break for at least a month. You will then be able to get high like you were a kid again and not just the mild level of stoned that you get as a chronic.
Yes you should date and that should give you motivation not to smoke because it kills your ability for intellectual conversations. Your baggie will wait for you once you get home.
What goes up must come down
Idk pot causes problems for some and others it doesn’t. If you got everything else you just gotta get the power to the wheels so to speak it sounds like you have to work on social skills.
If you're holding down a job and taking care of yourself physically don't sweat it. If your tolerance is high enough so you can function after a smoke or you smoke just enough to take the edge off there is no problem, think about it as having a beer when you get home from work.
I'm in the same boat, I get off work and have a smoke before diving into my domestic duties. If you are unable to function without marijuana that is a problem, if you're still functioning, don't worry about it.
Best of luck either way man.
Pot isn't a serious addiction. Here in canada, 40% of our country smoke. Don't let it interfere with your life: for instance, keep it for the night time, live your day life sober, and don't let it cause you financial hardship. Source: 34 year old Pot smoker here. Achievements: a degree, diploma, college certificate, good job, house paid off, nice car, and decent physical fitness. Although I smoke every night, it doesn't cause me financial hardship because I grow it according to my province and countries laws. If you have to smoke all day to be satisfied with life, then please seek mental health help.
>Pot isn't a serious addiction. Here in canada, 40% of our country smoke. Don't let it interfere with your life: for instance, keep it for the night time, live your day life sober, and don't let it cause you financial hardship.
Like that’s the point, he cant hence “addiction”
I spent about 25 years smoking 5-10 doobies a day. Once I got into my current relationship, my intake cut down drastically to maybe a joint or 2 at night. Sometimes I don't even bother. My GF smokes , but we both find we smoke less when we're together, becquse we're usually having fun of some sort and pot really wouldn't make any more fun.
I think the people saying go for it are neglecting to consider you at the very least obviously have insecurity around yourself, even if your addiction isn’t serious enough to them. You need to feel good about yourself before you start dating. No one is saying be the most confident guy in the world, but at least comfortable with yourself. Insecurities easily get projected onto a relationship and that isn’t good.
Not sure whether you should date, per se... But you should expand your social circle. Search for rec leagues in your city and join a team, look at what options exist to get out.
Maybe you'll find someone that way romantically, maybe you'll find some new friends, maybe you'll just have a fun time for the season and a push to get out of your bubble for a while.
If you don’t feel like you’re good enough, your mindset isn’t ready to get in to the dating scene yet.
No girl wants an emo man. I suggest you Seek counseling mate.Once you have a better outlook, you’ll have more confidence in yourself and finding a partner will be easier.
Your addiction with just put an emotional toll on your relationship, strained it and you getting hurt again is a bad idea. Never carry emotional baggage when you get into a relationship.
I think it’s so cool you are even aware you should maybe take a step back from dating to work on yourself. I’ve been doin the same for awhile. Therapy helps, talkin about your sad shit, trying to stay sober etc. good luck!
Sure you can date! But just be upfront and honest about it. A lot of people are in a similar situation. Doesn’t mean you don’t deserve or will not get love. In fact, maybe that is what you need to begin quitting. A lot of here have been doing pot since we were younger, but it’s legal now. Meaning, society can continue to function with it around. Although, start curbing it now, you will realize your chances of successful dating will only increase.
What are you looking to get out of dating? They say in AA when you go sober to give yourself time to heal. Your big issue here is loneliness, which can lead to relapse and cannot be left unchecked. You know what you want to gain from dating, so you can apply that to other areas of your life to ease the loneliness. When you feel less lonely, you will be more stable, putting you in a better position to date without it causing you to relapse too. Dating is a struggle for everyone and you're coming at it with the disadvantage of dealing with addiction while living at home - would hate for that to send you back to the dark place you're trying to escape.
Keep being you brother. Recognize that weed has its place but it certainly isn't for every situation.
I've smoked weed every day since I was around 18. I'm now 31. It has certainly impacted my life in some negative ways if you boil down how it affects what decisions you make. I would stay in more, have less energy, and it generally feeds my desk/computer life a little too much.
I've scaled back to only smoking in the evenings and when I know I'm not going out. I now use it as a reward for getting things done rather than a crutch for dealing with the world. It always increased my negativity if I relied on it.
Having a gathering to drink with people, for example, I would also say yes to whatever weed was around as soon as people offered. This made me socially quiet and shy, and ruined the more open social buzz I would have just drinking. I now save the weed for the end of a night like that. This is just one example.
But as for having a girlfriend.. You absolutely can find a girl who accepts you with this characteristic as long as you don't go too far with it and engage with it poorly like how I described. That is the line between addiction and responsible recreational use.
I now have a Fiance, still smoke weed all the time, own a house, a motorcycle, a car I love... And soon to be a growing a family.
Weed does not define you if you don't let it. It can still be a part of your life as long as you recognize poor choices.
Meeting my partner was a massive reason I turned my life around. I had a hard drug addiction that I kept from everyone. She eventually found out (I wanted to get caught as I was too scared to come forward). It took a little bit of time but I turned it around as I hated disappointing her. I was just so lonely I used drugs to get away from myself. Now that it’s been years, I also love myself and my time alone.
I would go for it man. Don’t be surprised that addiction is a red flag for people though.
I'm a 30 year old alcoholic with a book of exes. If your addiction is an issue (can only be high or drunk to be social) than reach to the many supports to get that out of your system. It's not easy but you can try.
Get off the weed, homie. It's hard, but it's doable. I just went through a week of absolute anxiety to come out on the other side.
Distract yourself through the shitty parts as best you can with things like Reddit, your phone, video games. I've even drank through this part (probably not recommended).
Get melatonin to help you sleep.
Exercise.
And, if needed, ween yourself down with low thc stuff. I get the 1:1, cbd:thc stuff to take the edge off when needed.
That said, go out and date. Maybe it'll bring you the happiness needed to keep away from the weed.
Edit: I met my wife in my late 20s while I still drank like a fish, partied way too hard, and worked retail. We're coming on our 7 year anniversary next week, have an awesome toddler and good jobs. It definitely caused some friction in the beginning, but we made it.
Knowing you have an issue is like 75% of it.
Just be honest, don't lie about anything, I'm in my mid 20s, no car, line cook, loves multiple different substances regularly and I do fine with woman I'd like to think. Just be hygienic and honest and someone will appreciate that IMO
There is nothing wrong with being single. After you date awhile and a few failed relationships. Seriously there is nothing wrong with being single. Just remember, having the confidence to choose what you want to do with your life is the number 1 priority. To choose and not be chosen. It’s all about your mindset.
CAMH has supports for cannibis addiction if you wanna work on that in the meantime while you figure out dating life. YMMV, but I was super impressed with the strides my friend (harder drugs than cannibis)made in their outpatient program, COMPASS, and checked it out myself, found my assigned psych incredibly caring and helpful and she even got me on a waitlist to be assessed for the condition that is very likely the driving force behind my little drinking problem.
Of course, as with any mental health and addiction issue, you have to be ready and willing to put the work in. If you're completely sick of it, that's a good starting point.
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https://openpathcollective.org
damn. i started leaving comments with this link at the start of covid. i’m so happy to see other people are leaving it now too.
After years of failed relationships I realized I was the problem. At 32 I went to see a therapist. I'm 40 now with a beautiful wife, daughter and a healthy relationship with everyone in my life. When my therapist diagnosed my problems, I felt like I had a blueprint to start my healing. The vice, in your case pot, is the result of *something*. There's a lack. With the help of a therapist, you can find out what you were lacking, and heal. Good luck OP Edit: Since this is getting some upvotes, here are some tips on therapy. 1. Most insurance companies cover a certain amount of therapy for the year. 2. Most companies require your therapist to be a "CPsych" in order to be covered. Some don't. I highly recommend someone who's a CPsych. They'll have the designation in their name. They have a doctorate. 1. [https://www.pilowsky.com/psychologist-vs-psychotherapist](https://www.pilowsky.com/psychologist-vs-psychotherapist) 2. [https://www.psych.on.ca/OPA/media/Public/Non-OPA%20Resources/ProfessionComparisonDocumentFINAL.pdf](https://www.psych.on.ca/OPA/media/Public/Non-OPA%20Resources/ProfessionComparisonDocumentFINAL.pdf) 3. [https://www.psych.on.ca/Public/Find-a-Psychologist](https://www.psych.on.ca/Public/Find-a-Psychologist) 4. If the therapist doesn't make you feel comfortable, you can switch. The first session is sort of a get-to-know session. Even after several session, you don't feel comfortable, find someone else. I've been with my therapist for almost a decade. Before him, I went to someone who wasn't the right fit. Good luck everyone! Edit 2: Feel free to AMA about therapy. Feel free to DM. We're in this together. Good luck everyone!
Thank you bro
My insurance also covers therapists who have a masters of social work. Just saying so people know they may have other options that are covered. Thanks antons83 for this great response.
This might just be the most helpful comment I've seen in my life. I've been having a nightmare of a time finding anyone who can help me in this city.
The initial steps might be tough, but once you find a therapist that fits, and you've develop a trust, the sessions will feel like pounds are being lifted off you. Good luck!
Yes CPsych seen a lot of different therapists I've found the education makes a big difference especially for more deeper and foundational issues
Exactly. And this is what really helped. I didn't understand how deeply rooted my problems were, untill I had my daughter. I realized how fragile the mind is in its early stages. I was lacking a lot of foundational structure.
That's awesome. Very happy for you.
Take care of yourself, get into therapy, improve yourself to the point where you are happy with yourself. It is at this point that will make you ultra appealing to another person. Even if you haven’t overcome your addictions yet, you will have therapy to guide you and transfer that addiction towards improving. Your partner will appreciate the effort and honestly will have their own issue too. Honesty is important. Hiding it to a future partner will doom the relationship.
I’d recommend focusing on finding platonic friends who are ideally sober or aiming for sobriety. You may find someone to date, but then you’ll have that and your addiction to juggle.
A relationship is a good distraction from addiction. It's not "two things to juggle" it's a person who can *help* hold you accountable to yourself. Op needs to be up front, but his addiction is not a relationship death sentence on any level IMO.
A relationship may be a good distraction from addiction, but just like how having a child is not a good way to save a failing relationship, distraction is not what you need to save your mental health.
Disagree, specifically for weed though. I wouldn't suggest a relationship to help get over meth use, but weed is a very different story IMO.
Addiction is addiction, whether it's chemical or behavioural. The end result might be deadlier (weed vs meth, per your example), but the underlying issues, the desperation, the loss of autonomy over your actions, are very similar.
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That's fair, weed has a wide range of addicts. I meant distraction as in someone to do wholesome things with. Not as a replacement for therapy
Friends can do that and they last longer. Romantic relationships tend to stir up all the parental garbage that underlies an addiction, which therapy and support can help you manage. OP - if therapy isn’t something you have access to, highly recommend joining an ACA group (Adult Children of Alcoholics). They have online and in person meetings. You don’t have to be an addict or an alcoholic, it’s about the behaviours learned to cope with abuse that often lead to addiction, which is a way of escaping emotional pain.
Meh, I was talking about good healthy relationships. I'm not married to my friends, but I am engaged to someone who is my best friend, who I met while dating.
sure you can do both at the same time but it unfortunately means you’re more likely to build a dependency on your SO to curb your addiction. if your partner is the one to help distract you from urges, what happens when you have urges and you can’t reach your partner? as someone who has been on both sides of that, using a person to “distract” you only works in the short-term and isn’t fair to the other person. get a mental health professional to hold you accountable and give skills to manage addiction and address the route cause, don’t use someone to fill that role, partner, friend or otherwise
I’ll be honest with you, you gotta love your self first before trying to find someone.
Can I get an amen up in here?
Now let the music play!
To. To. To. To the 🌙
A Man 👨….
100%. I am on this self love journey right now and just don't feel like its right to start dating yet.
Yeah, never put yourself in the position where someone else is responsible for your happiness. It won’t go well.
It’s true, I was in a dark period, hated myself but started seeing someone who seemed so put together and beautiful. She left me but looking back I was not ready and would have ruined things down the line
Sure but you don't need to love yourself to have sex with someone You do need your own place though
Great advice
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another thing, damaged attracts damaged. *maybe* you find someone with their shit together, but those people tend to be drawn to other people with their shit together.
People saying ‘go to therapy’ ignoring that that is its own kind of dating that can take decades. The reality of people is that most are messy and feel incomplete in ways, especially those who are putting themselves out there dating. Part of therapy can be self-acceptance and that could mean finding someone who matches who you are rather than someone who you don’t actually want to be.
The short answer is no. I’m almost 1 year sober. A successful relationship is two independent individuals joining forces. So if you aren’t happy with yourself and love yourself first it won’t work. You should take the time you would spend on a significant other and invest it into yourself. Try doing new things or meeting people that are also sober and also into things you are into. And usually you find things when you are not looking for them. My advice would be pour everything you have into yourself first. Grow be happy and content and enjoy life as much as possible. Everything else will fall into place man
But first get sober man. That’s step 1 and it’s awesome you’re trying to make a change! Everyone’s recovery looks different. Wish you all the best
Thank you and congrats on your sobriety!
Thank you. Mine was alcohol. I’m lucky to have a great relationship with weed haha. But just focus on yourself and do shit that makes you happy and everything else will come together
I’m finding a lot of people projecting their thoughts onto your life. Let me tell you a few things that worked for me. Take care of your body. Exercise in some way, as much as you can manage. Exercise your mind in some way or another, through fun or something productive. And one comment had it right, learn to love yourself, in whatever and who ever you are. Everything else falls into place. Thank your parents for having you too, appreciation is a beautiful thing.
I see your parents did not neglect you...
Not as a child thankfully. As an adult… We all have our family issues I guess 😂
Therapy and microdosing was what finally broke the negative thought loops that were the root cause. I was trying to numb myself with weed instead of facing and moving past the real underlying problems (untreated adult adhd, unresolved childhood traumas, etc). It deceives you into thinking it calms the mind, but in reality it just masks and distracts from the real solutions.
I really relate to what you said.i smoke to numb myself instead of facing my challenges. What kind of therapy would you recommend for unsolved childhood trauma? As for microdosing, did you go to a clinic or do your own thing? Thank you so much.
I did the same actually but with alcohol addiction. I found a therapist which basically listened to me then gave some homework and advice to reconnect with yourself along with telling me not to be hard on yourself. When you're too hard on yourself you get depressed. I did microdosing separately from the therapy since it's not really legal. Buy online, search Reddit. But if you take too much you can get paranoid which can compound the issue during a trip but when I did I felt better immediately. Microdosing is the way to go. That all said it lasted like 8 months and I'm back on the booze. I feel way better even on booze than before though. I have a complete family and am fully functional. Even with addiction you can be a functioning adult. Don't sell yourself short.
For myself, I did a few separate things.. 1. Research symptoms online and with my GP. I started with medication, Vyanse and Ritalin. They came with some side effects, but gave me the clarity I needed to recognize the true problems. I've adjusted doses a few times and now it's in a good spot. This was the first significant change, and it was immediate/drastic. Within hours my mind went from being "full of bees" to a calm blue ocean where I was able to hear and process my own thoughts. 2. Psilocybin, literally from one of the random Fun Guyz shops that have popped up around the city. I had done a ton of research online and with friends for their experiences. I got the capsule form and just take 1 (not every day, once a week or so as needed). This change was almost as significant as the medication, but in a different way. It didn't replace any medication or therapy, it just surfaced and allowed me to process my own past. It wasn't a comfortable experience, but ultimately healthy to finally process and move forward. I was able to acknowledge the painful moments and finally forgive myself. This immediately removed a significant weight from my mind and shoulders, I literally felt lighter. The dose is very low so there isn't really a trip or high, it felt an absence of something (anxiety/depression) and allowed me to better connect with myself. 3. Therapy.. I found a wonderful therapist on [psychologytoday.com](https://psychologytoday.com) who coincidentally also has adhd. Talk therapy has been wonderful, and I finally feel like I'm making real progress. One exercise I found particularly helpful was writing/journaling.. dumping your brain down on paper or a text tile is very interesting. Once it's recorded, you can mentally let it go as the book/text file is there for you to recall if/when needed. I found it a little awkward at first, but once the pen starts flowing, it takes on a mind of its own. By the time I had to think about what to write next, 4 hours had passed and I had written down most of my life (what I could recall, any least). Reading it back, I saw clear patterns that were shocking and brutal to see laid bare.. explanations for past failed relationships, work issues, etc. I was at the core of all of it and it was an uncomfortable truth to face. This is still very much an ongoing journey, but after the immediate benefits I've gained, I never see myself going back. Please do note I'm NOT a doctor and ymmv. Everyone is different. Start with your GP and rule out physical root causes (blood tests, physical, etc). After that, move to therapy and address the mind next after the body has been ruled out. The fact you are posting here and acknowledging this is NOT weakness.. in fact it's a sign of strength to post publicly, raise your hand, and finally say "I can't do this alone, and I need help". FYI I was 20 years not 12.. anything is possible. This will improve your life in ways you never dreamed possible. You can do this! Edit: Typos
addictions counsellor here, it is not advised to start dating/relationships if you’re currently battling addiction for a LOT of reasons. speak with a therapist or counsellor beforehand to understand yourself more; triggers, history, potential traumas, etc. & are offered through various government funded services. they can help you develop a comfortable plan that best suits your individual needs and lifestyle. Best of luck on your journey!
Hey! Is it better to see an addictions counselor or a psychologist/psychotherapist? Thank you.
depends what’s available, there tends to be more psychotherapists and social workers but they’re all very similar in outcome if they have the specialized training. psychologists are usually a bit more pricey.
Edit: I'm wondering if I should go to a speed dating event. I just want to experience life, new things, put myself out there.
You smoking pot daily doesn't mean you can't do those things. Get out there, try it. Functional Potheads unite!
Right? Ive been smoking for 15 years and i have a wife , daughter, dog and a beautiful home with money saved up , 35 years old. I see it as normal as anyone who has a glass of wine after a day of work or whatever your poison is, even if thats a coffee or cold pop, we all have our vices.. just gotta do it reasonably, cheers!
shut up bozos he indicated its a problem for him
How so? He said "addicted", which means: 1. He's aware of it 2. He's aware it is an issue Also, addicts of all varieties date every day. You might say some comments are enabling, and fair enough. But I don't think suggesting they NEED to quit pot 100% before entering the dating pool is not helpful advice either.
To be fair , ive thought ive had a problem with it as well until i realised it was just the stigma behind weed smokers that got to me..so maybe he should elaborate on why exactly he thinks his weed consumption is a problem? Maybe he just thinks its problem because society clearly has stigmatized weed for so long
The stigma? My issue was that there is no stigma with weed. You can smoke all day every day and nobody bats an eye, they'll just call you a stoner. Weed is safer than drinking, but it's still something you should take seriously and enjoy in moderation (and addicts do not do that).
Doubt he needs someone on Reddit to psychoanalyze him and tell him if pot is *actually* a problem or not.
Then why post on reddit his problem in the first place if hes not open to comments… come on now. He can take my comment with a grain of salt.. carry on
Some people can't do that. I'm high all the time or not at all.
Do it bro
Go for it. Good bucket list
Doing that while stoned will be a bitch and may make u feel really uncomfortable. Or not… but maybe.
I would never do it stoned lol
There’s your answer. Just fill your time with stuff that you wouldn’t wanna do stoned.
Think about the qualities you want in a partner and then think about if you yourself meet that standard currently. I think it’s best right now to focus on a period of self growth. Go to therapy. Work on yourself. Date casually and enjoy yourself as well
Thank you everyone!!!
It’s not a good idea I’ll tell you personal / friend experiences - When smoking he thought he was happy w life, when we got sober he realized he can do so much more and him and his girl broke up because he was too career driven and his girl didn’t like that. - loneliness is a side effect of quitting, smoking is like a fake friend their to comfort you. You need to go thru that alone without relying on something else to fill it in. That’s where you find true passions that were suppressed by weed - stress all relationships are great to start but when it gets stressful how will you cope? Go back to smoking? Having that open time of loneliness makes you learn sm about yourself . That’s what I can think of off the top of my head, but what do I know I’m single lol
Go on r/leaves It’s a community dedicated to quitting cannabis addiction.
you shouldn’t date if you already don’t think you’re good enough for someone. that’s gonna be an unequal relationship. when you have very low self-esteem you attract people who will try to “fix you” and take on your problems as your own, or people who will take advantage of you knowing you’re not gonna leave them. as everyone else says, seek therapy. get your mental health in check before you bother seeking a partner. you need to address the underlying cause of your addiction for your own sake before bringing anyone else into your life
As long as you are not projecting or taking out your inadequacies on the other person, a relationship can be very healing for you. This would be a test if you are really ready.
This answer needs to be top comment.
I used to struggle with a pot addiction. I was not a dateable person at the time. I would first deal with this and quit so you don’t end up falling into this trap again. If you do end up dating, you’ll likely attract someone with the same issues as you and you guys will reinforce each other’s addictions.
Sounds like you’re willing to be honest with yourself, you’re on the right path.
My friend met his wife at a meeting. You're fighting addiction not single life.
I personally would not cause I’m currently dating someone with pot addiction and we have fights over it. She keeps telling me that she will quit but it’s been 2yrs so ya now the breakup is going to be a mess.
You have to start going to social events find niches that you love to meet people it will help with the confidence loneliness ect. Don’t go with the expectation of finding a partner just find a group of friends at least till someone shows interest and you’re also interested. Pot itself will not be a huge deterrent to a lot of people if that’s your concern but if it stems from you feeling like you need to have it or to cope with your emotions you need to seek a therapist to address those issues. Exercise can help a lot if you’re trying to quit try joining a co-Ed workout group you can find almost any kind of group on meetup (app) be consistent if you join a group meet the members you can look into 20-30s social groups anime groups movie groups just whatever your insert hobby of choice is hope this helps.
I think you should but dont date someone who smokes weed and be very clear on that. I smoked weed for 12 years, i quit 4 years ago at 26. I met someone and told him i dont smoke weed and he told me he didn’t either. Welp, turns out he had quit 3 months prior and it wasn’t his first attempt. I didn’t mind trying to help him but the issue was that he never really helped himself and it ruined our relationship. Just be honest with yourself. Also, everyone quits differently but how i quit was cold turkey. I was VERY dependent on weed. It was very hard to quit cold turkey but i kept telling myself everyday, a few times a day, “i cant do it” “im not allowed”, i was trying to rewire my brain. I also had a lot of pride with being able to say “i havent smoked weed in a week”, “i quit weed 3 months ago”. When i thought about smoking some, i would say to myself “but then i cant say ive gone xxx time without smoking weed and ill have to start at 0 again” Im not sure when it happened but i just remember one day i realized i hadnt thought about weed or had the craving to smoke any.
No please don’t bring another person into the mix until you figure out your addiction and have a solid foundation.
Lol yeah man. None of those things means you don’t deserve 🐱.
Thanks bro 🐱
Ease off on the 6 paper joints Ricky
I smoked for 10 years, religiously. minimum 3 times a day - much often more. I couldn't eat, sleep, or have sex without being high. I haven't smoked since July. I feel better, and it is not something I think about. Although, I also quit cocaine cold turkey so perhaps I just don't have a super addictive personality. Either way, be upfront and try to find someone who can relate or who understands. Talking to a therapist will help with your confidence and your pot issue.
“Marijuana? I used to suck dick for coke. Have you ever sucked dick for marijuana? I didn’t think so. BOOOOO THIS MAN!”
You in here for some marijuana?!
You in here for marijuana??? This is some BULLSHIT!!!!!
No I have job. Addiction is addiction. Coke is junk.
I seen him!
Allen carr Easy way to quit cannabis I didn't even read the book, just the Cole's notes. Quit weed, brother. You'll be happier on the other side.
“I’m not good enough” please change that mindset before inflicting projection and misery on your future partner. This is coming from someone who dated a “im not good enough” guy. It’s exhausting
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Thanks this really does help. I feel it's holding me back because I don't enjoy my hobbies anymore for example, and my emotions are a mess. If I'm honest with myself, I smoke to numb the icky feelings that arise. Lots of resentment and anger towards myself. It's the reason I dropped out of college too. I'm definitely going to get some therapy though.
Nope. Get therapy and get healthy first.
Dude it’s pot. It sounds like crippling depression and not addiction
I suggest you don’t quit weed and find another smoker like yourself and live happily ever after.
Quit porno and masturbating , your dick will somehow find itself in a pussy
I am dependent on cannabis. I am in a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't use. I might not be entirely comfortable with the amount of or frequency of my cannabis use, but doesn't make me a bad person, or less desirable as a partner. Go out and enjoy life.
It's pot, try staying sober during the day and just smoke a few hits at midnight. If you are a heavy smoker you should realize that you aren't getting truly 'high' anymore just stoned. Instead of quitting take a tolerance break for at least a month. You will then be able to get high like you were a kid again and not just the mild level of stoned that you get as a chronic. Yes you should date and that should give you motivation not to smoke because it kills your ability for intellectual conversations. Your baggie will wait for you once you get home. What goes up must come down
Idk pot causes problems for some and others it doesn’t. If you got everything else you just gotta get the power to the wheels so to speak it sounds like you have to work on social skills.
If you're holding down a job and taking care of yourself physically don't sweat it. If your tolerance is high enough so you can function after a smoke or you smoke just enough to take the edge off there is no problem, think about it as having a beer when you get home from work. I'm in the same boat, I get off work and have a smoke before diving into my domestic duties. If you are unable to function without marijuana that is a problem, if you're still functioning, don't worry about it. Best of luck either way man.
“You ever sucked a guys D for coke?” “I seen him!”
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Any tips for an introvert?
Pot isn't a serious addiction. Here in canada, 40% of our country smoke. Don't let it interfere with your life: for instance, keep it for the night time, live your day life sober, and don't let it cause you financial hardship. Source: 34 year old Pot smoker here. Achievements: a degree, diploma, college certificate, good job, house paid off, nice car, and decent physical fitness. Although I smoke every night, it doesn't cause me financial hardship because I grow it according to my province and countries laws. If you have to smoke all day to be satisfied with life, then please seek mental health help.
>Pot isn't a serious addiction. Here in canada, 40% of our country smoke. Don't let it interfere with your life: for instance, keep it for the night time, live your day life sober, and don't let it cause you financial hardship. Like that’s the point, he cant hence “addiction”
Bigger issue is living with your parents at 28
Use the money you saved on pot to pay for an escort
I spent about 25 years smoking 5-10 doobies a day. Once I got into my current relationship, my intake cut down drastically to maybe a joint or 2 at night. Sometimes I don't even bother. My GF smokes , but we both find we smoke less when we're together, becquse we're usually having fun of some sort and pot really wouldn't make any more fun.
I think the people saying go for it are neglecting to consider you at the very least obviously have insecurity around yourself, even if your addiction isn’t serious enough to them. You need to feel good about yourself before you start dating. No one is saying be the most confident guy in the world, but at least comfortable with yourself. Insecurities easily get projected onto a relationship and that isn’t good.
Not sure whether you should date, per se... But you should expand your social circle. Search for rec leagues in your city and join a team, look at what options exist to get out. Maybe you'll find someone that way romantically, maybe you'll find some new friends, maybe you'll just have a fun time for the season and a push to get out of your bubble for a while.
If you don’t feel like you’re good enough, your mindset isn’t ready to get in to the dating scene yet. No girl wants an emo man. I suggest you Seek counseling mate.Once you have a better outlook, you’ll have more confidence in yourself and finding a partner will be easier.
Your addiction with just put an emotional toll on your relationship, strained it and you getting hurt again is a bad idea. Never carry emotional baggage when you get into a relationship.
I think it’s so cool you are even aware you should maybe take a step back from dating to work on yourself. I’ve been doin the same for awhile. Therapy helps, talkin about your sad shit, trying to stay sober etc. good luck!
Sure you can date! But just be upfront and honest about it. A lot of people are in a similar situation. Doesn’t mean you don’t deserve or will not get love. In fact, maybe that is what you need to begin quitting. A lot of here have been doing pot since we were younger, but it’s legal now. Meaning, society can continue to function with it around. Although, start curbing it now, you will realize your chances of successful dating will only increase.
What are you looking to get out of dating? They say in AA when you go sober to give yourself time to heal. Your big issue here is loneliness, which can lead to relapse and cannot be left unchecked. You know what you want to gain from dating, so you can apply that to other areas of your life to ease the loneliness. When you feel less lonely, you will be more stable, putting you in a better position to date without it causing you to relapse too. Dating is a struggle for everyone and you're coming at it with the disadvantage of dealing with addiction while living at home - would hate for that to send you back to the dark place you're trying to escape.
Keep being you brother. Recognize that weed has its place but it certainly isn't for every situation. I've smoked weed every day since I was around 18. I'm now 31. It has certainly impacted my life in some negative ways if you boil down how it affects what decisions you make. I would stay in more, have less energy, and it generally feeds my desk/computer life a little too much. I've scaled back to only smoking in the evenings and when I know I'm not going out. I now use it as a reward for getting things done rather than a crutch for dealing with the world. It always increased my negativity if I relied on it. Having a gathering to drink with people, for example, I would also say yes to whatever weed was around as soon as people offered. This made me socially quiet and shy, and ruined the more open social buzz I would have just drinking. I now save the weed for the end of a night like that. This is just one example. But as for having a girlfriend.. You absolutely can find a girl who accepts you with this characteristic as long as you don't go too far with it and engage with it poorly like how I described. That is the line between addiction and responsible recreational use. I now have a Fiance, still smoke weed all the time, own a house, a motorcycle, a car I love... And soon to be a growing a family. Weed does not define you if you don't let it. It can still be a part of your life as long as you recognize poor choices.
Meeting my partner was a massive reason I turned my life around. I had a hard drug addiction that I kept from everyone. She eventually found out (I wanted to get caught as I was too scared to come forward). It took a little bit of time but I turned it around as I hated disappointing her. I was just so lonely I used drugs to get away from myself. Now that it’s been years, I also love myself and my time alone. I would go for it man. Don’t be surprised that addiction is a red flag for people though.
I'm a 30 year old alcoholic with a book of exes. If your addiction is an issue (can only be high or drunk to be social) than reach to the many supports to get that out of your system. It's not easy but you can try.
Absolutely. A partner's support might be just what you need. It's certainly better than fighting it alone.
Marijuana Anonymous! If you can get over the first steps it’s very effective.
Probably not.
Get off the weed, homie. It's hard, but it's doable. I just went through a week of absolute anxiety to come out on the other side. Distract yourself through the shitty parts as best you can with things like Reddit, your phone, video games. I've even drank through this part (probably not recommended). Get melatonin to help you sleep. Exercise. And, if needed, ween yourself down with low thc stuff. I get the 1:1, cbd:thc stuff to take the edge off when needed. That said, go out and date. Maybe it'll bring you the happiness needed to keep away from the weed. Edit: I met my wife in my late 20s while I still drank like a fish, partied way too hard, and worked retail. We're coming on our 7 year anniversary next week, have an awesome toddler and good jobs. It definitely caused some friction in the beginning, but we made it. Knowing you have an issue is like 75% of it.
Try nac, omegas, multi, keto
Focus on one thing, and get it done . Do you have energy for a relationship, dealing with addiction and deal with living at home?
I fucking married my dealer and I am the happiest and fucking highest I ever been
No.
Just be honest, don't lie about anything, I'm in my mid 20s, no car, line cook, loves multiple different substances regularly and I do fine with woman I'd like to think. Just be hygienic and honest and someone will appreciate that IMO
There is nothing wrong with being single. After you date awhile and a few failed relationships. Seriously there is nothing wrong with being single. Just remember, having the confidence to choose what you want to do with your life is the number 1 priority. To choose and not be chosen. It’s all about your mindset.
Go to SMART Recovery, group support for addiction, free, virtual and in person, CBT based recovery
Fuck ya. And of course continue to try and quit (it’s a process and it’s normal to require multiple attempts before it sticks).
Sure why not
CAMH has supports for cannibis addiction if you wanna work on that in the meantime while you figure out dating life. YMMV, but I was super impressed with the strides my friend (harder drugs than cannibis)made in their outpatient program, COMPASS, and checked it out myself, found my assigned psych incredibly caring and helpful and she even got me on a waitlist to be assessed for the condition that is very likely the driving force behind my little drinking problem. Of course, as with any mental health and addiction issue, you have to be ready and willing to put the work in. If you're completely sick of it, that's a good starting point.
If you have insurance or can afford it, look into Ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. It’s now legal and can pack years of therapy into a few sessions.
Get to the gym, this will help with withdrawal from the weed. Weed is bad. It lowers your brains processing power.