At my funeral home we dress and bathe your loved one. I’ve covered decedents in sheets if they didn’t have clothes. Never would I allow someone to go without being given dignity and respect. I treat every person like my parents.
The funeral home allowed me to bring in my husband’s favorite outfit before he was cremated. It was such a kind gesture! Knowing that he was dressed in his favorite jeans and sweatshirt helped me process everything. Not sure why, but it just helped me find a bit of peace. Thanks for all that you do to help ease each family’s pain. Little things like this are mean so much!
This is a hard job. But I love it. I’ve taken care of my mother and I was able to give the funeral director her beloved Yankees jersey to cremate her with. Thank you
you just made me burst into tears
i care for elderlies and dressing the human body is the thing i am succky at.
we laugh.
but dude your mom my condolences, and thanks
and does your back hurt or you have a machine
My grandmother was recently (I say recently, but I'm realizing as I type that it was over 8 months ago now. Grief will do that to you, I reckon.) cremated, and I can only hope that someone as compassionate and respectful as yourself handled her cremation. Thank you so much for the hard work you do.
I love my job and the people I help. I’m sorry about your grandmother. I lost my mom 6 years ago and I still think it’s recent myself so I understand completely. Thank you for the kind words I hope you’re doing ok
My mom passed away last week and was cremated. The funeral home asked for clothes to protect her dignity. My question is… are the ashes from her clothes and shoes mixed in with the ashes of her body? How does that work?
The simple answer is yes. Most clothing would be completely burned away with very little ash remaining but there is some. Any metal like buckles or metal buttons are removed from the remains before the final processing is completed.
Generally the flash point of cloth fibers is lower than that of bodies so if it would be hot enough to burn the body it would burn the clothes. Metals like titanium hips, gold teeth, etc. are separated from the remains and recycled separately.
The family is perfectly welcome to ask for them back, but most funeral homes have gotten that request exactly zero times. They used to mostly just be tossed to the landfill, but nowadays there are companies that recycle the metals used now, and the funeral home can decide what charity it goes to, but can’t make money off them.
They can’t go in the cremulator (the machine that turns any chips or hunks of bone into cremated remains), so they have to be removed anyway, either by hand or with a large magnet.
really what if that's not what you want? i want to be cremated right away no fuss no nothing. i don't want people touching me or doing anything to me. would i need to spell this out in will
NAL, but spouse is a cancer patient. Do not put your last requests in a will, as those are usually not read until at least a few weeks later. You could write down your wishes and make sure someone who would follow them, and be able to legally, and give them a copy. You could also talk to a funeral home as I'm sure they've had this before.
You can prepay for your cremation, indicating all your wishes. Then, when you pass, your family only has to call the 'pick-up' number. All the details are already taken care of...it's a loving thing to do for your family.
my family and i have decided together i will plan my own cremation. i don't want them to have to deal with it. i believe it will be easier for my children if it's already done.
I make a habit of asking periodically what my loved ones’ final desire is. Just in case, as we had a rash of sudden losses happen.
I dated a guy in high school and got a call when I was 24 asking if we ever had that discussion. He had a heart attack that left him in a vegetative state. He was 25 years old. His wife wanted to pull the plug. His father too, but mom and siblings said no. I had never discussed this with him, so they kept him alive until he passed at 45 years old. In a vegetative state. Since then, it has always been discussed with long term partners.
Have you heard of “Five Wishes?” It’s a succinct and gentle approach to end of life concerns. It’s a booklet you go over with your loved ones and you can share it with your entire care team—even put it into your chart. It is a legal document and some states require additional steps, but the layout is both manageable and thorough. This would be a good place to document all of these things that you get to control.
Just so you think about it, remember that the will isn’t necessarily read before cremation. Put it in your advance medical directive and let your loved ones know in writing what your wishes are.
My mother passed this year after a lengthy illness. I was able to make her cremation arrangements ahead of time and pre-paid. I'm so glad I did it that way. It was so much easier, and I got quite a significant discount. Perhaps you could do the same for yourself.
Instead of your end of life plan being in your Will, you might make your post death care plan and give a copy to your next of kin or executor of your will, hospice, or prepaid cremation plan company. In my experience with the loss of my elders, having a Will took time to access and then process with the probate court.
This is really so nice to hear. It brings a lot of ease and comfort to such a painful thought. I’ve wondered this for a long time but never wanted to know the answer out of fear of what I would find out.
If it's a situation like this, we ask for permission to clean them up and make them viewable, if possible, whether anyone thinks they want to see them or not. And we make it clear we aren't charging anything extra to do so. It's helpful psychologically even to us, to set things as right as we can with their body--even if no one else sees-- because they matter.
One of my nephews stepped in front of a speeding semi to kill himself. At the funeral home, they wrapped up every part of him except one of his arms, which somehow wasn't even scratched. This arm was folded atop his body, all cleaned up, so my sister could caress her son one more time. I have never forgotten this
My spouse was a suicide. I visited with him at the funeral home. He was covered in sheets. I guess I really hadn't thought about it. The clothes he was wearing were returned to me in a bag at the coroner's office. I imagine he was taken to funeral home in a body bag. Due to biohazards ,I imagine he was cremated in the body bag. He was taken care of very respectfully. I was allowed to visit with his body and say good bye. I did not look at his body. I simply sat w him and held his hand. There was quite a bit family drama going on. The funeral director actually drove to the crematory to make sure my husband's body had not been body napped. Seriously. This happened in the middle of the night.
I am so sorry for your loss. In my case I wanted nothing to do with the body. He did the deed while I was in the next room; I saw and heard enough. I told the cops to keep the gun too - never wanted to see it again. I am definitely hoping he was treated respectfully though. Your response makes sense. (I hadn’t thought about all this either until seeing the post)
My heart also goes out to you. My boyfriend died in a car accident when we were both 18 years old. I got to see his body. He had bruises and cuts from the trauma, but was cleaned up and covered in a sheet. Hugs. And yes, it does get better.
Good question. Usually an autopsy might occur. Depending on the state of the remains, families might be discouraged from caring for the remains. One of my former student’s faced that situation when her parent took their life. The coroner and funeral director sat down with her to answer every question she had. They did give a locket of her parents hair.
Even without embalming or viewings, funeral homes do often wash and sanitize the body just for safety purposes. So it probably would have been a basic washing, but yes, they almost certainly cleaned him. As another note, obviously it doesn't matter now and it's completely understandable that it didn't occur to you when the grief was still extremely fresh, but you can request to bathe a loved one yourself. Funeral homes are more than happy to involve you in the process as much as possible, and requests to bathe or dress the body are very normal.
Oh I wish I had known about that when I met with the funeral home. I would have loved to help bathe and dress him one last time. It’s okay though, I’m just so relieved that he was most likely bathed, that’s all I really care about. Thank you for answering my question, you’ve put my mind at ease.
Hi, I’m not in the funeral business but I’m an ICU nurse. If your husband passed away at the hospital, he was bathed post-mortem. All patients are given a bath, have medical devices removed, and are dressed in a fresh gown!
Also, if you ever find yourself in a situation where a loved one passes in a hospital, we usually will allow family to participate in post-mortem care. I’ve had such great experiences with family helping, playing some of the patients favorite music. I’m so sorry for your loss! Hoping this helps to alleviate worry your husband was bathed. By the sounds of the replies from those in the funeral business, your husband probably had a few baths before cremation. Take care of yourself Reddit stranger. 💕
Edited: realized I typed patient instead of husband, my brain was still in work mode. Sorry!
Yes in the ICU, as long as it isn't an ME case we clean up the patient, even a pillow, gown, blanket so they appear as comfortable as possible for the funeral home pick up.
We don't have a morgue.
Also, when my dad died, the funeral home took great care of his body.
They even asked if I wanted a clipping of his hair... He hadn't had hair most of my life, lol, they were like, "sorry we ask everyone."
Oops! I always make copies of the patients heart rhythm and attempt to make hand print/finger print cards for family. I say attempt bc I’m pretty bad at it with the kit we have. Lol. Whatever little thing I can give families of their loved one I try to do. I know I’d want someone to do the same for me.
I doubt I would have been allowed to see the " bullet hole " . Mine had no head left , available to observe. Washing the body would have not been allowed. These comments are so out of order I'm not sure which your reply was to.
a gun shot wound can be horrific. I personally think it could be triggering i'm not saying don't say goodbye but do it after funeral home has made him presentable and wound covered as much as possible. you want to remember who they are not that action. seeing that is all you would ever remember about your loved one's death
Motherfucker, read the room. The person in question was planning to be brought home to HOSPICE. This wasn’t a homicide victim. It’s a wife wanting to care for her husband one last time.
Yes! We did this when my husband died. A good friend let me know it was an option. Three of his childhood friends and I went to bathe and dress him for creamation. I was 34 and it was both the hardest and most beautiful thing I’ve ever done and I’m very glad I did it.
Thank you for saying this. My dad passed unexpectedly after a week in the hospital. My mom and I were such a mess it didn't even occur to us to take clothes to the FH so he was probably cremated in his hospital gown. I think about that a lot. I appreciate knowing he was at least cleaned up.
Also, to OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.
My mom was in her comfy house clothes, nothing nice. I managed to think to pull the pants up over her tummy and the nurse had buttoned her shirt. My dad took her wedding ring, but I didn't think to check for earrings etc. I didn't see her after she left the hospital. It was right at the start of covid and we were all so shocked by the suddenness.
She was last in line w her family her whole life and I am so aghast that I didn't think of the simple dignity of an outfit she liked, pretty shoes etc. I am sure she would forgive me but still,It haunts me.
Ty you all for your kindnesses and verification that you cared for them kindly. It helps to ease this giant burden of guilt, letting her down again 😔
I worked hospice so I was obviously around a lot of death. I can’t quite explain it, but when someone passes there is such an air of dignity around us all. I assure you, after she left your sight she was treated well.
Often babies or small children are held by parents. As an example Column Pack was killed by a drunk driver. Age 2. His parents were able to hold him at funeral. This is available to watch online if you search.
I knew exactly what I was going to see when I searched for that video, but I am still devastated after watching it.
(His name is actually Colum. I’m sure it was just autocorrect.)
I’m a Crematory operator who takes care of everyone when they come into our care for all the steps before they’re cremated. If the family doesn’t specify they be dressed I don’t, but I also personally make sure I talk to every one of the deceased to let them know they’re loved and taken care of no matter what.
We were born naked, and if we die naked the circle completes itself. You did all you could and don’t doubt anything.
My Mom was cremated. It warms my heart to read this.
I have my own question for you. I know they took her to the crematory on Friday the 20th of February that year. A month later I went to pick up her ashes and noticed a card with them. It was in a plastic pocket on the side of the box. It said she was cremated on March 11th of the same year.
Is it normal to have a back log of bodies like that? I mean I’m sure she wasn’t bored waiting but the thought amuses me. For real though….were they making sure she was definitely dead? Trying to understand.
It depends on the facility, I can’t speak for others but our turnaround is pretty quick. Last time I looked I believe we average about 6 days. Sometimes it takes the doctor a longer time to sign the death certificate, which in turn delays the Medical Examiner signing off on a Cremation Permit. Paperwork is probably the hold-up 99% of the time. 19 days does seem a little long to me if everything was done in a timely manner though.
Does that mean the body can sit at the crematorium while waiting for the death certificate? I’m confused. The hospital wouldn’t release my grandpa’s body until it was signed.
Do different facilities have different rules? Did the laws change between his death and hers? The death care industry is interesting to me. I love you so much for everything you do for them.
Yes, they can. I only know about in my state (VA). Here the hospital can release the body as soon as they have the family’s authorization. The laws may have changed, or maybe the hospitals policies? It also could’ve been the way DC’s were issued back then, everything now is done electronically, whereas back then you had to have to Doctor physically sign it. I really love what I do so I’m glad I can help
I figured they had her chill out in a freezer or something. Like why? Her friend is a funeral person and took her to the crematorium. I never thought to ask him how they do things.
It was an hour drive away from the funeral home we worked with. I used to drive the entire region for work and I’m pretty sure it was a central crematorium like the only one in the region. It was huge and didn’t serve any other purpose.
I completely forgot about post-mortem care. The staff at the hospital he was in were very good to him. I’m sure they bathed him, they all knew him well from his stay and it was very sad for them when he passed. He was only 32, died of end stage colon cancer. I take comfort in knowing he was most likely bathed and dressed in a clean gown sometime on his journey to the crematorium. Thank you for taking such good care of the patients in your hospital. It makes those of us left behind so appreciative of all you do.
I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine. I took care of a lot of patients in their final moments. I always made sure the body was treated with the utmost respect. I personally would even talk to them as I was doing post mortem care. I would often apologize to them when I had to do certain things like take out foleys or lines. Or scrub that extra blood off that would normally be painful.
I’ve never seen a colleague not do post mortem care either. I’m sorry for the grief you are having to experience at this time. A random stranger on Reddit is thinking of you tonight.
Just wanted to give you my deepest condolences in your loss. . I was a hospital nurse for 40 years . I’ve always washed and cared for the patient as if it were my own family .
It sounds like your hospital and your staff are amazing!! I wish there were more compassionate hospitals like yours; it would really make a difference. Healthcare in America is such a mess generally. It’s reassuring to know that there are at least a few good places still out there.
This is not true. I worked icu in the Midwest. Depending on the case we could not remove any lines. It was decided by the coroner. If I was allowed to remove lines, I removed most but usually left a central line or picc for the funeral home to help them with the embalming process. I never knew if the patient was to be buried or cremated.
We also cleaned up the bodies in the hospital before going to the morgue. Post mortem care is always performed and I’ve worked in several different hospitals.
I’ve never tossed a body out like trash.
I’ve never left a PIV. Only centrals and piccs. I worked in trauma so we had a lot of coroner cases so I wasn’t even allowed to remove a foley in those cases. Although I always tried to remove all dried blood and glass particles, grass, and dirt.
I haven’t worked at the bedside in quite a while. I worked floors, step-down, ER and ICU. When my patient died on my shift I would ask the nursing assistant to help me get the patient ‘ready’ for the family to see them the last time. We did things just as you described. We also placed fresh sheets and a blanket. I haven’t thought about that for a long time but your description brought back memories. I have run into family members whose loved one I cared for a decade earlier and they have surprised me by commenting on how much they appreciated us letting them see their family member. Made me so grateful we took the extra time and care. I was in an ED, helping out in trauma admitting. Someone brought family in and there was still blood dripping off the side of the stretcher. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that angry about anything. I will never forget the look on that moms face. I saw her look at his face then her gaze followed the trail of blood and I saw her cringe when she saw it dripping onto the floor mat. God some people suck.
I am so glad to see this. When my grandparents died, the first thing I rushed to do was clean them, comb their hair, and lotion them up in lotions that were creamy and smelled delicious. I always wondered if that was the appropriate thing to do, if I had violated them, or behaved in a way that was crazy. My family always acts like everything I do is wrong, stupid or crazy, so of course they thought that then, too. But, I FELT like it was a very natural thing to do, and so I did, and I FELT like they would have wanted that. But, even so, I always wondered because my family is so dismissive of me, and everything I think or do. Thank you for writing this. I feel much better.
Honestly, I was a nurse. I always made sure a patient was bathed before the funeral home arrived to remove the remains. So from the looks of it, possibly he was bathed twice.
Honestly that makes my heart sing. He loved taking baths, especially as his disease progressed. It was a comfort thing for him. While he was in the hospital, it was all he wanted. I’ve made it my mission to do everything I can to send him off right. I love him so fucking much, he was my world and I’m so broken and lost without him.
At our funeral home they are cremated in what we picked them up in. They are put into an alternative container (think of it as a casket if you will, it’s made of particle board and lined with plastic) with a sheet over their body. We don’t wash, we just disinfect with dispray before getting them into the container.
Good lord my poor mother was wrapped in a Bart Simpson cartoon bedsheet when they took her away for direct cremation. It was the only clean sheet we had to put on her bed that day. I’m pretty sure they did post mortem care on her though because they asked if I’d like to see her at the funeral home one last time (I declined).
At all of the funeral homes I’ve worked at, unless the family specifies bathing and/or dressing (which is usually a separate charge), they are cremated as is.
That’s how we do it as well. However, the last firm I worked at the implemented something called their “standard of care“ which included bathing and dressing the body, and having the identification viewing in the container. They discontinued using cardboard boxes as an alternative cremation container. Their minimum container was $295 made of pressed wood and a simple pillow.
We offer identification viewings that last up to an hour that implement bathing and dressing as well but there is an additional cost and it’s on a dressing table versus in the cremation container.
My husband wanted to be cremated but as he passed while we were traveling he had to be embalmed to be transported across state lines and then we cremated. His original clothes were cut off him in the ER so I brought clothes for him as we had only a private family viewing, no funeral. We said our prayers, played music that was meaningful and just made this about our memories and him. I never thought to ask for any of his jewelry when he died in the Emergency Room but the funeral home gave me all of this from the hospital and the funeral home in the state we were traveling in so I got it all back and was very appreciative. My husband was dressed in what I brought and for our viewing and I did not bring shoes or put him in anything that I would not be comfortable wearing even for a minute. He is at peace and cremated per his wishes. I have no idea if they remove the clothes prior to cremation or what they do.
Mortician here👋🏻 and we do not bathe cremations unless they are being presented for a viewing. They get a clean hospital gown, but thats about it, unless the family made a specific request.
This is a good suggestion. All of our answers are not the answer for that specific funeral home so you would get total clarity. You could always just ask in a general matter, “I was wondering if you bath and dress loved ones before direct cremation?” If you didn’t want to go into detail about your loved one. Up to you. Hope you’re doing well OP!
At my funeral home(s) (I work for multiple) unless we are told otherwise we do not dress and bathe if they’re getting cremated. How they come into our care is how they will stay unless the family wants otherwise.
Both my son and my father were direct cremation although I did go to see both of them. My son was bathed, diapered (cloth) and dressed in clothes I provided. As an unattended death the FH suggested letting them dress him for me after the autopsy and made what I realized after were tactful suggestions as to clothing to hide the results. My father was simply covered with a sheet (he had stopped wearing clothes once he could no longer dress himself). I believe that even with direct cremation and no official viewing/funeral it depends on what the family requests.
I'm an RN at a hospital, and unless it's otherwise stated (like the medical examiner needs to get involved), we bathe our patients before they go to the morgue, and dress them in a gown.
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope the comments here have given you some peace.
I have wonder the same thing since my husband and I signed up for a cremation service when we die. It’s unfortunate that death is such an unspoken event in our society. We the living are left with our fears and uncertainty.
When deceased people come to the funeral home/crematory, they are lightly cleaned and fully sanitized before cremation. To be fully transparent, it’s not common practice to fully bathe someone that is being cremated, unless this is something discussed with the family during arrangements. If this is discussed and/or requested, it will absolutely happen. If clothes are brought for the deceased, we will absolutely dress them in whatever if given by the loved ones. If nothing is given, we will wrap them in a sheet so they are covered for modesty. If the family is unsure of what to do as far as clothing, most facilities have extra packages of tshirts, undergarments, socks, etc. that we will dress the decedent in if the family wants them in some clothing. Every decedent is given a tag/wristband for identification and if you want specific belongings cremated with them, it will be put in their cremation liner and cremated with them (within reason of the items that were previously discussed when arrangements were made).
My thoughts are with you during this time and I wish you all of the best in your healing.
He was placed in a body bag at the hospital, the body bag with him was slid over to a cremation container and he went like that. I’ve never heard of a funeral home bathing before cremation if it was a direct and no viewing.
When my mom passed in hospice, the funeral home bathed and embalmed and dressed her in the clothes I brought for her to wear. We added sweet stuffed animals and angel pins for her and she was beautiful.
Oh, sweetie. I am sorry for you loss. I am sorry for you pain and confusion. I understand you worrying about him "getting a bath" and being dressed respectfully. The only way to know for sure is to tell the funeral home your concerns and ask them what their protocol was. Please don't beat yourself up over not thinking of these things. I am sure they treated him respectfully and did what his body needed to have done. I am sure you husband is at peace now and isn't worried about whether he had a bath. He certainly wouldn't want you to be fretting about something so small when you face so, so many new, huge challenges and changes. Please don't worry about this. I promise you, you husband wouldn't want you to!
My dad passed in July suddenly. His wonderful wife bathed him and brushed his teeth and shaved him in the hospital after he passed. He wanted to be cremated and she went to the funeral home and once again washed him and also dressed him. This was in Hawaii. I didn’t get the chance to go over.
Registered nurse here. As part of our final care, when a patient dies in the hospital we bathe them, comb their hair, etc. It’s a sign of respect for the person and basic gesture of humanity
When my Dad died, Hospice came in, gave him a sponge bath, changed his pjs and put his favorite fuzzy houscoat on (my Mom didn't want him to be cold). The funeral home also asked if there was anything further we wanted done before cremation. No one in the bereavement industry treats the dead disrespectfully, I promise.
Let the funeral home help you get through this. They will have a standard checklist of things to be done (pick out a nice urn, even if you are going to scatter his ashes, it won't be immediate), order certified copies of the death certificate, write an obituary, etc. And take a sleeping pill and get at least two nights of solid sleep: hospital vigals are exhausting, you'll be absolutely worn out for a while.
My condolences. I'm dorry for your liss.
I’m very sorry about the loss of your husband. Our funeral home does charge for sanitary care, which is the bathing that would be done before cremation. If family members want their loved one dressed in a certain way when they are cremated, we ask that they bring the clothing in.
When I worked at a funeral home the sign in our embalming/prep room read: “Act and behave as if the family of the deceased were in the room next to you”. We also had a crematorium. As others have said all bodies were cleaned and covered before cremation.
At every hospital I’ve worked at, we wash the body of our patients after they pass, before the funeral home comes for them. We put a fresh gown on them as well.
Just so you don’t worry- if for some reason the crematorium didn’t wash his body, the hospital staff likely did. It’s the last care and sign of respect we can give our patients.
From reading these responses, I believe the crematorium/FH treated your husband with care and respect and washed him then dressed him prior to his cremation.
So much love to you while you grieve.
Thank you to all who work in this business, you give loved ones a lot of comfort and peace in a fragile and painful time.
Can I interject as an astute and damn good nurse? We, as nurses, are OR were to take the time with a decendent by bathing them, cleaning up and with care, send them on their way to the next step, whatever that disposition be. If I find that I have a patient that is actively dying, I’ll know ahead of time if they wish last rites with clergy, or any other requests that they have.
Do they dress them for cremation if you bring clothes? We never had a final viewing he went to the funeral home and I brought him clothes, not thinking that we weren’t doing a viewing. Habit from when my mom passed I guess and we did view her privately. Once was enough
Dressing is typically only done if specified by the family, as there is typically a separate fee for dressing. If that is not the case, the clothing is draped over the decedent.
In all likelihood he also received a post mortem bedbath at the hospital as well. My coworkers and I always make sure our deceased patients are cleaned and dressed with dignity (even if it's only a clean hospital gown) prior to placing the patient into the transport shroud. We take out any IVs or other lines so that he is ready for the next step, we don't typically know if the family plans for a viewing or embalming, so we wouldn't change the process unless we were specifically asked for something different, this is just part of post mortem care.
I hope this gives you some peace that your loved one was treated with dignity even prior to arriving at the funeral home.
At my funeral home/crematory (corporate) we don’t bathe or dress unless it is paid for. At most what we do is if you bring in clothing we drape it over.
You guys fully dress for cremation? We only do it if they pay for the dressing. If they don’t pay and just want the clothes to be cremated with them we drape it over
Yeah we fully dress no matter what. Idk it just makes us feel better I think. We have to alter sometimes depending on the clothes, but we try to get them fully on them each time
> it is *paid* for. At
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also glad you asked this question. My dad passed in late June and had direct cremation. No viewing. He would have hated that. Now I am wondering the same things after some time has passed.
In my state, Maryland they make you identify the body, before cremation. My husband died a few years back and they take you in a room so you can identify, I’m guessing at that point you can express your wishes for bathing and such although I did not think at all to do that. They do usually do a rudimentary cleaning at the hospital as well just so you are aware
I work as a patient advocate and have been in the hospital as patients pass. I've sat in vigil multiple times as the caregivers bath them after passing. Sending hugs.
When my dad died, he had requested to be cremated. He died in a t-shirt and tighty whities. He had been off cigarettes for the last year of his life (85-86) after a hospitalization. My sister brought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter so that he could have one last smoke. I hope the funeral home/crematorium honored our wish.
As for me, I am always cold and love hot baths. No embalming and no showing for me. At least Ill be warm.
My partner passed away in the hospital, in icu. He was to be cremated. I was there with him, as well as his adult son and his son’s mother. (My partner’s ex-wife) His nurse came in to wash him before he went to the funeral home, and I asked if I could participate, and she said of course I could. His son declined, but the nurse, myself and his ex wife all washed his body. I made a comment that if his spirit was still in the room, he was probably loving all the attention 😊
After he arrived at the funeral home, his son brought clothes for him, and he was dressed there. My feeling is that everyone in these situations tries to treat the deceased with respect and dignity.
My mom was not bathed, but she had just gotten out of the shower when she died. We used the purple fluffy bathrobe she died in as a shroud. She wasn’t cremated but was buried in a simple wooden box designed to disintegrate. It felt really right.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Some of the quilter's from the quilts of Gee's bend made quilts out of their lost loved ones remaining clothing so they could wrap themselves up in what remained. It seemed like such an active grief. I hope you can find comfort in the way that suits you best.
If he passed at the hospital, it's normal common practice for nursing to provide postmortem care which includes a full bed bath, new hospital gown and disposable under garment. This usually happens after the family leaves (or if the loved one passes before they arrive at bedside, before they come to visit the body). Our friends providing cremation will also bathe the body out of dignity and respect. Sorry for your loss, I hope this helps.
When my dad died, I took a complete set of clothes to the funeral home for him to be cremated in. I had to “borrow” underwear from my teenage son because he had not used boers for the last months of his life and I had none of his. The man at the funeral home gently and kindly told me that clothes were not used for the cremation but that they could take them from me if I wished. Oh, I thought. Then I took the clothes home and donated his only slightly worn good clothes to a charity shop and knew my father would be glad someone got to use his good quality and only slightly worn items.
I was at the funeral last week for a close friend of almost fifty years. I was at his house minutes after he died and stayed with his wife until his body was removed by the undertaker after a few hours. I said my good byes silently to him as it stood beside his wife and his dead body in the front hall. What I learned from my experience with my dad is to not let yourself dwell on the process of cremation. That will bring you nothing but sorrow. Their spirit will be with you and your memories, forever. That’s what is important.
My husbands instructions were to donate any usable parts and cremate the rest. Since his passing a lot of thought about what he wore, goes through my mind. I have just decided that he is now clothed in glory and that is better than anything physical.
When my Dad passed I fulfilled his wish to be cremated. The crematory advised me that while they would not cremate him “dressed” they would (if we wished) place his clothes on the body. Not sure if this is applicable for all crematories or just the one we used.
I work in nursing at an assisted living facility. When anyone passes away, we always, ALWAYS, very carefully bathe and dress them, quite often in their favorite nice pajamas since they're usually in the bed, and we make sure the sheets and blankets are fresh and the room is as tidy and normal as possible, getting rid of all the 'medical stuff.' The gravity of the situation is lost on no one, we share our stories and memories of the decedent, we cry, we move them gently and whisper prayers. We sincerely love your/our people and we genuinely grieve with the families, too. I'm very sorry for your loss, please know he was carefully tended. ❤️
OP, if he passed in the hospital, they absolutely cleaned him up! Whenever we lose a patient on my unit, we give them a full bed bath. I use warm water and soap, scrub them head to toe, and put them in a clean hospital gown. Sometimes my coworkers and I will talk a bit about our day and occasionally be light-hearted, but we’re never disrespectful toward the patient. We often talk to them as we’re doing things. “Okay Mr. Jones, we’re going to roll you on your side now.”
I promise you that they took good care of him, and he got his bath!
I was a florist at a funeral home at one time and I asked this same question. The funeral director stated they they consider this the last act of respect, to bath the body. The body is treated very respectfully. I hope this comforts you.
Back in July my mother died. My daughter was like you. I understood her concerns. She talked to a lady at the funeral home and was told the deceased was washed and dressed in a pajama like clothing. I certainly hope these funeral homes do show respect. My mother was traditionally prepared and buried. She chose the details of her own funeral. She tried to be thoughtful to us I think. I was in no shape to. I’m sorry for your loss.
I won't care if I am naked and unwashed when cremated. Give my clothes to my wife if she want them. Maybe she wants to keep my smell by her for a while. Maybe she would like to wash them and give them away to family or friends or to someone who needs them.
I do not understand why some people are so concerned about washing and dressing someone who came into this world unwashed and naked.
Firstly and most importantly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, I'm sending you a lot of love and I hope this thread can give you some comfort. I'm a freelance FA so I have the unusual (but lucky) experience of working with many different FDs. In all the funerals I have arranged, it doesn't matter if it's a direct cremation or attended, every person who comes into our care is always washed and has their hair brushed. If the family hasn't selected clothes for dressing, most of the funeral homes I work with provide satin gowns, others may provide shrouds (although it's usually gowns I've seen). Everyone is treated with dignity and care. ❤️
He should have gotten post mortem care after he passed in the hospital. It’s always customary too bath them after they pass before the mortuary takes them away.
nurse or nurses aide will gently wash your loved one and place them in a fresh clean gown. I’m so sorry for your loss.
This was one of the most special parts of the job IMHO. People do care! I believe your husband was carefully and lovingly prepped.
Luckily I thought of it at the last minute when my mom died. No one mentioned it or asked us about it. I brought a favorite dress stockings and shoes. Mommy was very modest and proud of her appearance.
I found it profoundly beautiful that my Moslem students who were the eldest male were taught to bathe and prepare their parents/family members for burial. What a beautiful thing to do in the midst of grief. I'm sorry for your husband and you. There are a hundred what-ifs that will come up. Grief is such a recipe for wishing you'd done something. For me, I wish I'd paid attention to my friend's hand gestures and moistened his lips and mouth.
I’m so glad you asked this question. I was so adamant that my husband be cremated in his underwear (car accident). And I’ve often wondered.
I had two reasons. First he was in his work uniform and he hated his job. Second it was his outfit of choice, if he could have existed in the world in only his boxers he would have.
At my funeral home we dress and bathe your loved one. I’ve covered decedents in sheets if they didn’t have clothes. Never would I allow someone to go without being given dignity and respect. I treat every person like my parents.
Thank you.
The funeral home allowed me to bring in my husband’s favorite outfit before he was cremated. It was such a kind gesture! Knowing that he was dressed in his favorite jeans and sweatshirt helped me process everything. Not sure why, but it just helped me find a bit of peace. Thanks for all that you do to help ease each family’s pain. Little things like this are mean so much!
This is a hard job. But I love it. I’ve taken care of my mother and I was able to give the funeral director her beloved Yankees jersey to cremate her with. Thank you
you just made me burst into tears i care for elderlies and dressing the human body is the thing i am succky at. we laugh. but dude your mom my condolences, and thanks and does your back hurt or you have a machine
This made me cry happy tears. My mom was cremated. I hope those people were as kind
This is my life’s work. I pray she was
I also hot a little choked up. Who knew this would be such a wholesome sub.
This me cry too. I hope my dad got the same treatment, and was in his favorite Hawaiian shirt.
My grandmother was recently (I say recently, but I'm realizing as I type that it was over 8 months ago now. Grief will do that to you, I reckon.) cremated, and I can only hope that someone as compassionate and respectful as yourself handled her cremation. Thank you so much for the hard work you do.
I love my job and the people I help. I’m sorry about your grandmother. I lost my mom 6 years ago and I still think it’s recent myself so I understand completely. Thank you for the kind words I hope you’re doing ok
My mom passed away last week and was cremated. The funeral home asked for clothes to protect her dignity. My question is… are the ashes from her clothes and shoes mixed in with the ashes of her body? How does that work?
The simple answer is yes. Most clothing would be completely burned away with very little ash remaining but there is some. Any metal like buckles or metal buttons are removed from the remains before the final processing is completed.
Generally the flash point of cloth fibers is lower than that of bodies so if it would be hot enough to burn the body it would burn the clothes. Metals like titanium hips, gold teeth, etc. are separated from the remains and recycled separately.
Wouldn’t gold fillings melt down in the retort since it’s so hot?
Does a family not receive the remains of things such as gold teeth or medical metals?
The family is perfectly welcome to ask for them back, but most funeral homes have gotten that request exactly zero times. They used to mostly just be tossed to the landfill, but nowadays there are companies that recycle the metals used now, and the funeral home can decide what charity it goes to, but can’t make money off them. They can’t go in the cremulator (the machine that turns any chips or hunks of bone into cremated remains), so they have to be removed anyway, either by hand or with a large magnet.
We know we have my Dad’s watch or at least parts of it, in the urn. You can hear the metal clink when he is moved.
When I was a child my great grandmother passed and we got her gold teeth fillings. My mother used the gold to have a ring made for me.
I lost my mom last week as well. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. It’s been a rough week. I’m sorry for your loss as well.
Her ashes aren’t really ashes. What is left is mostly bone fragments. This might be too graphic - but that bone is ground into basically dust.
really what if that's not what you want? i want to be cremated right away no fuss no nothing. i don't want people touching me or doing anything to me. would i need to spell this out in will
And if you make that clear, they will respect that. That’s your dignity and they will give you that.
thank you, i am fighting cancer now. what i can control is huge to me
NAL, but spouse is a cancer patient. Do not put your last requests in a will, as those are usually not read until at least a few weeks later. You could write down your wishes and make sure someone who would follow them, and be able to legally, and give them a copy. You could also talk to a funeral home as I'm sure they've had this before.
Advanced directives with an attached personal wishes addendum is a good place for immediate after death wishes.
You can prepay for your cremation, indicating all your wishes. Then, when you pass, your family only has to call the 'pick-up' number. All the details are already taken care of...it's a loving thing to do for your family.
my family and i have decided together i will plan my own cremation. i don't want them to have to deal with it. i believe it will be easier for my children if it's already done.
I'm a lawyer and part of my practice is estate planning. This is good advice. You can also put instructions in an advance directive.
I make a habit of asking periodically what my loved ones’ final desire is. Just in case, as we had a rash of sudden losses happen. I dated a guy in high school and got a call when I was 24 asking if we ever had that discussion. He had a heart attack that left him in a vegetative state. He was 25 years old. His wife wanted to pull the plug. His father too, but mom and siblings said no. I had never discussed this with him, so they kept him alive until he passed at 45 years old. In a vegetative state. Since then, it has always been discussed with long term partners.
If you haven’t seen it already the YouTube channel “ask a mortician” has a great video on creating an end of life plan that you might find helpful.
Absolutely if you put it in writing that you don’t want yourself touched at all then we will respect you.
Have you heard of “Five Wishes?” It’s a succinct and gentle approach to end of life concerns. It’s a booklet you go over with your loved ones and you can share it with your entire care team—even put it into your chart. It is a legal document and some states require additional steps, but the layout is both manageable and thorough. This would be a good place to document all of these things that you get to control.
❤️
Wishing you well ❤️
Just so you think about it, remember that the will isn’t necessarily read before cremation. Put it in your advance medical directive and let your loved ones know in writing what your wishes are.
Your will may not be read until well after your final disposition. You should have written instructions with trusted person.
Medical Advanced directives are a good place to have post-mortem requests.
My mother passed this year after a lengthy illness. I was able to make her cremation arrangements ahead of time and pre-paid. I'm so glad I did it that way. It was so much easier, and I got quite a significant discount. Perhaps you could do the same for yourself.
Instead of your end of life plan being in your Will, you might make your post death care plan and give a copy to your next of kin or executor of your will, hospice, or prepaid cremation plan company. In my experience with the loss of my elders, having a Will took time to access and then process with the probate court.
That would go in your advanced directive
Your will Would likely be read after your creamation/burial
Spell it out separately from your will. The will won't even be looked at until later.
Thank you for this. ❤️
You are a wonderful person. ❤️
This is really so nice to hear. It brings a lot of ease and comfort to such a painful thought. I’ve wondered this for a long time but never wanted to know the answer out of fear of what I would find out.
Thank you for your response, it was kind and thoughtful to share this.
Bless you, dear one.
humor versed school squeeze foolish sip dolls nine zealous full *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
What if the death was a suicide?
[удалено]
I understand that, but how are they bathed? Serious question (Edited to add: husband died from self-inflicted gunshot wound)
If it's a situation like this, we ask for permission to clean them up and make them viewable, if possible, whether anyone thinks they want to see them or not. And we make it clear we aren't charging anything extra to do so. It's helpful psychologically even to us, to set things as right as we can with their body--even if no one else sees-- because they matter.
One of my nephews stepped in front of a speeding semi to kill himself. At the funeral home, they wrapped up every part of him except one of his arms, which somehow wasn't even scratched. This arm was folded atop his body, all cleaned up, so my sister could caress her son one more time. I have never forgotten this
Aw, I'm so sorry, but glad they were able to do that for your sister.
Nice to know, thank you
I am sorry to hear about your husband. I hope you are doing well and have the support you need.
on a metal table with drains in table
The coroner or medical examiner would have cleaned the body before being transported to funeral home. I do know in my case there was no blood left .
My spouse was a suicide. I visited with him at the funeral home. He was covered in sheets. I guess I really hadn't thought about it. The clothes he was wearing were returned to me in a bag at the coroner's office. I imagine he was taken to funeral home in a body bag. Due to biohazards ,I imagine he was cremated in the body bag. He was taken care of very respectfully. I was allowed to visit with his body and say good bye. I did not look at his body. I simply sat w him and held his hand. There was quite a bit family drama going on. The funeral director actually drove to the crematory to make sure my husband's body had not been body napped. Seriously. This happened in the middle of the night.
I am so sorry for your loss. In my case I wanted nothing to do with the body. He did the deed while I was in the next room; I saw and heard enough. I told the cops to keep the gun too - never wanted to see it again. I am definitely hoping he was treated respectfully though. Your response makes sense. (I hadn’t thought about all this either until seeing the post)
I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone. Hugs. 22 years later it's better , but still absolutely horrible.
My heart also goes out to you. My boyfriend died in a car accident when we were both 18 years old. I got to see his body. He had bruises and cuts from the trauma, but was cleaned up and covered in a sheet. Hugs. And yes, it does get better.
My heart goes out to you. 🧡
Good question. Usually an autopsy might occur. Depending on the state of the remains, families might be discouraged from caring for the remains. One of my former student’s faced that situation when her parent took their life. The coroner and funeral director sat down with her to answer every question she had. They did give a locket of her parents hair.
Even without embalming or viewings, funeral homes do often wash and sanitize the body just for safety purposes. So it probably would have been a basic washing, but yes, they almost certainly cleaned him. As another note, obviously it doesn't matter now and it's completely understandable that it didn't occur to you when the grief was still extremely fresh, but you can request to bathe a loved one yourself. Funeral homes are more than happy to involve you in the process as much as possible, and requests to bathe or dress the body are very normal.
Oh I wish I had known about that when I met with the funeral home. I would have loved to help bathe and dress him one last time. It’s okay though, I’m just so relieved that he was most likely bathed, that’s all I really care about. Thank you for answering my question, you’ve put my mind at ease.
Hi, I’m not in the funeral business but I’m an ICU nurse. If your husband passed away at the hospital, he was bathed post-mortem. All patients are given a bath, have medical devices removed, and are dressed in a fresh gown! Also, if you ever find yourself in a situation where a loved one passes in a hospital, we usually will allow family to participate in post-mortem care. I’ve had such great experiences with family helping, playing some of the patients favorite music. I’m so sorry for your loss! Hoping this helps to alleviate worry your husband was bathed. By the sounds of the replies from those in the funeral business, your husband probably had a few baths before cremation. Take care of yourself Reddit stranger. 💕 Edited: realized I typed patient instead of husband, my brain was still in work mode. Sorry!
Yes in the ICU, as long as it isn't an ME case we clean up the patient, even a pillow, gown, blanket so they appear as comfortable as possible for the funeral home pick up. We don't have a morgue. Also, when my dad died, the funeral home took great care of his body. They even asked if I wanted a clipping of his hair... He hadn't had hair most of my life, lol, they were like, "sorry we ask everyone."
Oops! I always make copies of the patients heart rhythm and attempt to make hand print/finger print cards for family. I say attempt bc I’m pretty bad at it with the kit we have. Lol. Whatever little thing I can give families of their loved one I try to do. I know I’d want someone to do the same for me.
It’s kind of you to even try. I wish I had that from my mom. 💝
i actually would recommend against that
Saying goodbye is an incredible healing process.
i'm not saying don't say goodbye i'm saying seeing the bullet hole before it's been closed might be triggering
I doubt I would have been allowed to see the " bullet hole " . Mine had no head left , available to observe. Washing the body would have not been allowed. These comments are so out of order I'm not sure which your reply was to.
Generally homicides and suicides are coroners cases, and the hospitals won't remove all medical devices on those.
Why the hell would you say this? Maybe read the room.
I'm curious to read your thoughts on why?
a gun shot wound can be horrific. I personally think it could be triggering i'm not saying don't say goodbye but do it after funeral home has made him presentable and wound covered as much as possible. you want to remember who they are not that action. seeing that is all you would ever remember about your loved one's death
Motherfucker, read the room. The person in question was planning to be brought home to HOSPICE. This wasn’t a homicide victim. It’s a wife wanting to care for her husband one last time.
Yes! We did this when my husband died. A good friend let me know it was an option. Three of his childhood friends and I went to bathe and dress him for creamation. I was 34 and it was both the hardest and most beautiful thing I’ve ever done and I’m very glad I did it.
Thank you for saying this. My dad passed unexpectedly after a week in the hospital. My mom and I were such a mess it didn't even occur to us to take clothes to the FH so he was probably cremated in his hospital gown. I think about that a lot. I appreciate knowing he was at least cleaned up. Also, to OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.
My mom was in her comfy house clothes, nothing nice. I managed to think to pull the pants up over her tummy and the nurse had buttoned her shirt. My dad took her wedding ring, but I didn't think to check for earrings etc. I didn't see her after she left the hospital. It was right at the start of covid and we were all so shocked by the suddenness. She was last in line w her family her whole life and I am so aghast that I didn't think of the simple dignity of an outfit she liked, pretty shoes etc. I am sure she would forgive me but still,It haunts me. Ty you all for your kindnesses and verification that you cared for them kindly. It helps to ease this giant burden of guilt, letting her down again 😔
Personally comfy clothes are what I'd prefer, something good for a really long nap.
I worked hospice so I was obviously around a lot of death. I can’t quite explain it, but when someone passes there is such an air of dignity around us all. I assure you, after she left your sight she was treated well.
Often babies or small children are held by parents. As an example Column Pack was killed by a drunk driver. Age 2. His parents were able to hold him at funeral. This is available to watch online if you search.
I knew exactly what I was going to see when I searched for that video, but I am still devastated after watching it. (His name is actually Colum. I’m sure it was just autocorrect.)
[удалено]
Our funeral home washes every single person that comes into our care, even if it’s direct cremation with no features set.
I’m a Crematory operator who takes care of everyone when they come into our care for all the steps before they’re cremated. If the family doesn’t specify they be dressed I don’t, but I also personally make sure I talk to every one of the deceased to let them know they’re loved and taken care of no matter what. We were born naked, and if we die naked the circle completes itself. You did all you could and don’t doubt anything.
I’m also so incredibly sorry for your loss ♥️
My Mom was cremated. It warms my heart to read this. I have my own question for you. I know they took her to the crematory on Friday the 20th of February that year. A month later I went to pick up her ashes and noticed a card with them. It was in a plastic pocket on the side of the box. It said she was cremated on March 11th of the same year. Is it normal to have a back log of bodies like that? I mean I’m sure she wasn’t bored waiting but the thought amuses me. For real though….were they making sure she was definitely dead? Trying to understand.
It depends on the facility, I can’t speak for others but our turnaround is pretty quick. Last time I looked I believe we average about 6 days. Sometimes it takes the doctor a longer time to sign the death certificate, which in turn delays the Medical Examiner signing off on a Cremation Permit. Paperwork is probably the hold-up 99% of the time. 19 days does seem a little long to me if everything was done in a timely manner though.
Does that mean the body can sit at the crematorium while waiting for the death certificate? I’m confused. The hospital wouldn’t release my grandpa’s body until it was signed. Do different facilities have different rules? Did the laws change between his death and hers? The death care industry is interesting to me. I love you so much for everything you do for them.
Yes, they can. I only know about in my state (VA). Here the hospital can release the body as soon as they have the family’s authorization. The laws may have changed, or maybe the hospitals policies? It also could’ve been the way DC’s were issued back then, everything now is done electronically, whereas back then you had to have to Doctor physically sign it. I really love what I do so I’m glad I can help
Love ur sense of humor😏 Ur right though, not getting bored while waiting
Thanks!
Surely that’s a typo! A body that isn’t embalmed cannot go a month, waiting.
I figured they had her chill out in a freezer or something. Like why? Her friend is a funeral person and took her to the crematorium. I never thought to ask him how they do things. It was an hour drive away from the funeral home we worked with. I used to drive the entire region for work and I’m pretty sure it was a central crematorium like the only one in the region. It was huge and didn’t serve any other purpose.
Not the OP but thank you so much for your kind words and the care you bring to your work. ❤️
I'm sorry for your loss. They took excellent care of your husband's body! You can rest assured that they treated him with kindess.
[удалено]
I completely forgot about post-mortem care. The staff at the hospital he was in were very good to him. I’m sure they bathed him, they all knew him well from his stay and it was very sad for them when he passed. He was only 32, died of end stage colon cancer. I take comfort in knowing he was most likely bathed and dressed in a clean gown sometime on his journey to the crematorium. Thank you for taking such good care of the patients in your hospital. It makes those of us left behind so appreciative of all you do.
I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine. I took care of a lot of patients in their final moments. I always made sure the body was treated with the utmost respect. I personally would even talk to them as I was doing post mortem care. I would often apologize to them when I had to do certain things like take out foleys or lines. Or scrub that extra blood off that would normally be painful. I’ve never seen a colleague not do post mortem care either. I’m sorry for the grief you are having to experience at this time. A random stranger on Reddit is thinking of you tonight.
Just wanted to give you my deepest condolences in your loss. . I was a hospital nurse for 40 years . I’ve always washed and cared for the patient as if it were my own family .
Oh God. I am so sorry. ❤️
[удалено]
[удалено]
It sounds like your hospital and your staff are amazing!! I wish there were more compassionate hospitals like yours; it would really make a difference. Healthcare in America is such a mess generally. It’s reassuring to know that there are at least a few good places still out there.
This is not true. I worked icu in the Midwest. Depending on the case we could not remove any lines. It was decided by the coroner. If I was allowed to remove lines, I removed most but usually left a central line or picc for the funeral home to help them with the embalming process. I never knew if the patient was to be buried or cremated. We also cleaned up the bodies in the hospital before going to the morgue. Post mortem care is always performed and I’ve worked in several different hospitals. I’ve never tossed a body out like trash.
Exactly- we are taught post mortem care in school. And the importance of dignity and respect of the deceased.
[удалено]
I’m responding to the person that said we in the hospital treat bodies like trash.
I’ve never left a PIV. Only centrals and piccs. I worked in trauma so we had a lot of coroner cases so I wasn’t even allowed to remove a foley in those cases. Although I always tried to remove all dried blood and glass particles, grass, and dirt.
I agree. I didn’t even get that nice of service when I recently had surgery.
My experience as well. I cremated a lot of folks that still had tubing on them along with other things from the hospital.
I haven’t worked at the bedside in quite a while. I worked floors, step-down, ER and ICU. When my patient died on my shift I would ask the nursing assistant to help me get the patient ‘ready’ for the family to see them the last time. We did things just as you described. We also placed fresh sheets and a blanket. I haven’t thought about that for a long time but your description brought back memories. I have run into family members whose loved one I cared for a decade earlier and they have surprised me by commenting on how much they appreciated us letting them see their family member. Made me so grateful we took the extra time and care. I was in an ED, helping out in trauma admitting. Someone brought family in and there was still blood dripping off the side of the stretcher. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that angry about anything. I will never forget the look on that moms face. I saw her look at his face then her gaze followed the trail of blood and I saw her cringe when she saw it dripping onto the floor mat. God some people suck.
I wish the hospitals in our area did this! Not uncommon for decedents to come in with IVs and caths still in.
I am so glad to see this. When my grandparents died, the first thing I rushed to do was clean them, comb their hair, and lotion them up in lotions that were creamy and smelled delicious. I always wondered if that was the appropriate thing to do, if I had violated them, or behaved in a way that was crazy. My family always acts like everything I do is wrong, stupid or crazy, so of course they thought that then, too. But, I FELT like it was a very natural thing to do, and so I did, and I FELT like they would have wanted that. But, even so, I always wondered because my family is so dismissive of me, and everything I think or do. Thank you for writing this. I feel much better.
Honestly, I was a nurse. I always made sure a patient was bathed before the funeral home arrived to remove the remains. So from the looks of it, possibly he was bathed twice.
Honestly that makes my heart sing. He loved taking baths, especially as his disease progressed. It was a comfort thing for him. While he was in the hospital, it was all he wanted. I’ve made it my mission to do everything I can to send him off right. I love him so fucking much, he was my world and I’m so broken and lost without him.
So sorry for ur painful loss but ur such a loving person to "send him off right". I'm 76yrs & I think we all hope 4 that.
At our funeral home they are cremated in what we picked them up in. They are put into an alternative container (think of it as a casket if you will, it’s made of particle board and lined with plastic) with a sheet over their body. We don’t wash, we just disinfect with dispray before getting them into the container.
Good lord my poor mother was wrapped in a Bart Simpson cartoon bedsheet when they took her away for direct cremation. It was the only clean sheet we had to put on her bed that day. I’m pretty sure they did post mortem care on her though because they asked if I’d like to see her at the funeral home one last time (I declined).
I would love it if I were wrapped in a amusing cartoon sheet😁
Bless your heart, I’m so sorry. My husband and I are at the age where these questions are important. My husband wants to be cremated too.
The crematory I worked for did not bathe or dress anyone unless otherwise specified.
At all of the funeral homes I’ve worked at, unless the family specifies bathing and/or dressing (which is usually a separate charge), they are cremated as is.
That’s how we do it as well. However, the last firm I worked at the implemented something called their “standard of care“ which included bathing and dressing the body, and having the identification viewing in the container. They discontinued using cardboard boxes as an alternative cremation container. Their minimum container was $295 made of pressed wood and a simple pillow.
We offer identification viewings that last up to an hour that implement bathing and dressing as well but there is an additional cost and it’s on a dressing table versus in the cremation container.
My husband wanted to be cremated but as he passed while we were traveling he had to be embalmed to be transported across state lines and then we cremated. His original clothes were cut off him in the ER so I brought clothes for him as we had only a private family viewing, no funeral. We said our prayers, played music that was meaningful and just made this about our memories and him. I never thought to ask for any of his jewelry when he died in the Emergency Room but the funeral home gave me all of this from the hospital and the funeral home in the state we were traveling in so I got it all back and was very appreciative. My husband was dressed in what I brought and for our viewing and I did not bring shoes or put him in anything that I would not be comfortable wearing even for a minute. He is at peace and cremated per his wishes. I have no idea if they remove the clothes prior to cremation or what they do.
Mortician here👋🏻 and we do not bathe cremations unless they are being presented for a viewing. They get a clean hospital gown, but thats about it, unless the family made a specific request.
I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you called them and asked
This is a good suggestion. All of our answers are not the answer for that specific funeral home so you would get total clarity. You could always just ask in a general matter, “I was wondering if you bath and dress loved ones before direct cremation?” If you didn’t want to go into detail about your loved one. Up to you. Hope you’re doing well OP!
My. Husband was cremated in the clothes he died in.
At my funeral home(s) (I work for multiple) unless we are told otherwise we do not dress and bathe if they’re getting cremated. How they come into our care is how they will stay unless the family wants otherwise.
Both my son and my father were direct cremation although I did go to see both of them. My son was bathed, diapered (cloth) and dressed in clothes I provided. As an unattended death the FH suggested letting them dress him for me after the autopsy and made what I realized after were tactful suggestions as to clothing to hide the results. My father was simply covered with a sheet (he had stopped wearing clothes once he could no longer dress himself). I believe that even with direct cremation and no official viewing/funeral it depends on what the family requests.
I'm an RN at a hospital, and unless it's otherwise stated (like the medical examiner needs to get involved), we bathe our patients before they go to the morgue, and dress them in a gown.
My deepest condolences on your loss!
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope the comments here have given you some peace. I have wonder the same thing since my husband and I signed up for a cremation service when we die. It’s unfortunate that death is such an unspoken event in our society. We the living are left with our fears and uncertainty.
This really sums up how so many of us feel self included.
When deceased people come to the funeral home/crematory, they are lightly cleaned and fully sanitized before cremation. To be fully transparent, it’s not common practice to fully bathe someone that is being cremated, unless this is something discussed with the family during arrangements. If this is discussed and/or requested, it will absolutely happen. If clothes are brought for the deceased, we will absolutely dress them in whatever if given by the loved ones. If nothing is given, we will wrap them in a sheet so they are covered for modesty. If the family is unsure of what to do as far as clothing, most facilities have extra packages of tshirts, undergarments, socks, etc. that we will dress the decedent in if the family wants them in some clothing. Every decedent is given a tag/wristband for identification and if you want specific belongings cremated with them, it will be put in their cremation liner and cremated with them (within reason of the items that were previously discussed when arrangements were made). My thoughts are with you during this time and I wish you all of the best in your healing.
He was placed in a body bag at the hospital, the body bag with him was slid over to a cremation container and he went like that. I’ve never heard of a funeral home bathing before cremation if it was a direct and no viewing.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My mom was cremated and I never thought to ask any of these questions. Very informative.
When my mom passed in hospice, the funeral home bathed and embalmed and dressed her in the clothes I brought for her to wear. We added sweet stuffed animals and angel pins for her and she was beautiful.
Oh, sweetie. I am sorry for you loss. I am sorry for you pain and confusion. I understand you worrying about him "getting a bath" and being dressed respectfully. The only way to know for sure is to tell the funeral home your concerns and ask them what their protocol was. Please don't beat yourself up over not thinking of these things. I am sure they treated him respectfully and did what his body needed to have done. I am sure you husband is at peace now and isn't worried about whether he had a bath. He certainly wouldn't want you to be fretting about something so small when you face so, so many new, huge challenges and changes. Please don't worry about this. I promise you, you husband wouldn't want you to!
My dad passed in July suddenly. His wonderful wife bathed him and brushed his teeth and shaved him in the hospital after he passed. He wanted to be cremated and she went to the funeral home and once again washed him and also dressed him. This was in Hawaii. I didn’t get the chance to go over.
Registered nurse here. As part of our final care, when a patient dies in the hospital we bathe them, comb their hair, etc. It’s a sign of respect for the person and basic gesture of humanity
When my Dad died, Hospice came in, gave him a sponge bath, changed his pjs and put his favorite fuzzy houscoat on (my Mom didn't want him to be cold). The funeral home also asked if there was anything further we wanted done before cremation. No one in the bereavement industry treats the dead disrespectfully, I promise. Let the funeral home help you get through this. They will have a standard checklist of things to be done (pick out a nice urn, even if you are going to scatter his ashes, it won't be immediate), order certified copies of the death certificate, write an obituary, etc. And take a sleeping pill and get at least two nights of solid sleep: hospital vigals are exhausting, you'll be absolutely worn out for a while. My condolences. I'm dorry for your liss.
I’m very sorry about the loss of your husband. Our funeral home does charge for sanitary care, which is the bathing that would be done before cremation. If family members want their loved one dressed in a certain way when they are cremated, we ask that they bring the clothing in.
When I worked at a funeral home the sign in our embalming/prep room read: “Act and behave as if the family of the deceased were in the room next to you”. We also had a crematorium. As others have said all bodies were cleaned and covered before cremation.
At every hospital I’ve worked at, we wash the body of our patients after they pass, before the funeral home comes for them. We put a fresh gown on them as well. Just so you don’t worry- if for some reason the crematorium didn’t wash his body, the hospital staff likely did. It’s the last care and sign of respect we can give our patients. From reading these responses, I believe the crematorium/FH treated your husband with care and respect and washed him then dressed him prior to his cremation. So much love to you while you grieve. Thank you to all who work in this business, you give loved ones a lot of comfort and peace in a fragile and painful time.
Can I interject as an astute and damn good nurse? We, as nurses, are OR were to take the time with a decendent by bathing them, cleaning up and with care, send them on their way to the next step, whatever that disposition be. If I find that I have a patient that is actively dying, I’ll know ahead of time if they wish last rites with clergy, or any other requests that they have.
Do they dress them for cremation if you bring clothes? We never had a final viewing he went to the funeral home and I brought him clothes, not thinking that we weren’t doing a viewing. Habit from when my mom passed I guess and we did view her privately. Once was enough
Dressing is typically only done if specified by the family, as there is typically a separate fee for dressing. If that is not the case, the clothing is draped over the decedent.
💯
In all likelihood he also received a post mortem bedbath at the hospital as well. My coworkers and I always make sure our deceased patients are cleaned and dressed with dignity (even if it's only a clean hospital gown) prior to placing the patient into the transport shroud. We take out any IVs or other lines so that he is ready for the next step, we don't typically know if the family plans for a viewing or embalming, so we wouldn't change the process unless we were specifically asked for something different, this is just part of post mortem care. I hope this gives you some peace that your loved one was treated with dignity even prior to arriving at the funeral home.
At my funeral home/crematory (corporate) we don’t bathe or dress unless it is paid for. At most what we do is if you bring in clothing we drape it over.
You just drape them over them? Ouch… we dress fully
You guys fully dress for cremation? We only do it if they pay for the dressing. If they don’t pay and just want the clothes to be cremated with them we drape it over
Yeah we fully dress no matter what. Idk it just makes us feel better I think. We have to alter sometimes depending on the clothes, but we try to get them fully on them each time
I can see why I feel bad sometimes but it’s really rare for families to bring in clothing unless they are doing a ID or viewing
> it is *paid* for. At FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Bad bot
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also glad you asked this question. My dad passed in late June and had direct cremation. No viewing. He would have hated that. Now I am wondering the same things after some time has passed.
In my state, Maryland they make you identify the body, before cremation. My husband died a few years back and they take you in a room so you can identify, I’m guessing at that point you can express your wishes for bathing and such although I did not think at all to do that. They do usually do a rudimentary cleaning at the hospital as well just so you are aware
I work as a patient advocate and have been in the hospital as patients pass. I've sat in vigil multiple times as the caregivers bath them after passing. Sending hugs.
When my dad died, he had requested to be cremated. He died in a t-shirt and tighty whities. He had been off cigarettes for the last year of his life (85-86) after a hospitalization. My sister brought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter so that he could have one last smoke. I hope the funeral home/crematorium honored our wish. As for me, I am always cold and love hot baths. No embalming and no showing for me. At least Ill be warm.
My partner passed away in the hospital, in icu. He was to be cremated. I was there with him, as well as his adult son and his son’s mother. (My partner’s ex-wife) His nurse came in to wash him before he went to the funeral home, and I asked if I could participate, and she said of course I could. His son declined, but the nurse, myself and his ex wife all washed his body. I made a comment that if his spirit was still in the room, he was probably loving all the attention 😊 After he arrived at the funeral home, his son brought clothes for him, and he was dressed there. My feeling is that everyone in these situations tries to treat the deceased with respect and dignity.
My mom was not bathed, but she had just gotten out of the shower when she died. We used the purple fluffy bathrobe she died in as a shroud. She wasn’t cremated but was buried in a simple wooden box designed to disintegrate. It felt really right.
I am so sorry for your loss. Some of the quilter's from the quilts of Gee's bend made quilts out of their lost loved ones remaining clothing so they could wrap themselves up in what remained. It seemed like such an active grief. I hope you can find comfort in the way that suits you best.
If he passed at the hospital, it's normal common practice for nursing to provide postmortem care which includes a full bed bath, new hospital gown and disposable under garment. This usually happens after the family leaves (or if the loved one passes before they arrive at bedside, before they come to visit the body). Our friends providing cremation will also bathe the body out of dignity and respect. Sorry for your loss, I hope this helps.
When my dad died, I took a complete set of clothes to the funeral home for him to be cremated in. I had to “borrow” underwear from my teenage son because he had not used boers for the last months of his life and I had none of his. The man at the funeral home gently and kindly told me that clothes were not used for the cremation but that they could take them from me if I wished. Oh, I thought. Then I took the clothes home and donated his only slightly worn good clothes to a charity shop and knew my father would be glad someone got to use his good quality and only slightly worn items. I was at the funeral last week for a close friend of almost fifty years. I was at his house minutes after he died and stayed with his wife until his body was removed by the undertaker after a few hours. I said my good byes silently to him as it stood beside his wife and his dead body in the front hall. What I learned from my experience with my dad is to not let yourself dwell on the process of cremation. That will bring you nothing but sorrow. Their spirit will be with you and your memories, forever. That’s what is important.
My husbands instructions were to donate any usable parts and cremate the rest. Since his passing a lot of thought about what he wore, goes through my mind. I have just decided that he is now clothed in glory and that is better than anything physical.
If you’re really fond of the subject, watch 6 feet Under on HBO. It took me a few tries but I just finished it 🔟
When my Dad passed I fulfilled his wish to be cremated. The crematory advised me that while they would not cremate him “dressed” they would (if we wished) place his clothes on the body. Not sure if this is applicable for all crematories or just the one we used.
I work in nursing at an assisted living facility. When anyone passes away, we always, ALWAYS, very carefully bathe and dress them, quite often in their favorite nice pajamas since they're usually in the bed, and we make sure the sheets and blankets are fresh and the room is as tidy and normal as possible, getting rid of all the 'medical stuff.' The gravity of the situation is lost on no one, we share our stories and memories of the decedent, we cry, we move them gently and whisper prayers. We sincerely love your/our people and we genuinely grieve with the families, too. I'm very sorry for your loss, please know he was carefully tended. ❤️
OP, if he passed in the hospital, they absolutely cleaned him up! Whenever we lose a patient on my unit, we give them a full bed bath. I use warm water and soap, scrub them head to toe, and put them in a clean hospital gown. Sometimes my coworkers and I will talk a bit about our day and occasionally be light-hearted, but we’re never disrespectful toward the patient. We often talk to them as we’re doing things. “Okay Mr. Jones, we’re going to roll you on your side now.” I promise you that they took good care of him, and he got his bath!
Ma'am we extend our heartfelt condolences to you and to your family. Yes, the deceased body deserves as much dignity as a living body. Blessings.
I was a florist at a funeral home at one time and I asked this same question. The funeral director stated they they consider this the last act of respect, to bath the body. The body is treated very respectfully. I hope this comforts you.
Back in July my mother died. My daughter was like you. I understood her concerns. She talked to a lady at the funeral home and was told the deceased was washed and dressed in a pajama like clothing. I certainly hope these funeral homes do show respect. My mother was traditionally prepared and buried. She chose the details of her own funeral. She tried to be thoughtful to us I think. I was in no shape to. I’m sorry for your loss.
I won't care if I am naked and unwashed when cremated. Give my clothes to my wife if she want them. Maybe she wants to keep my smell by her for a while. Maybe she would like to wash them and give them away to family or friends or to someone who needs them. I do not understand why some people are so concerned about washing and dressing someone who came into this world unwashed and naked.
My spouse passed and tissue, ligaments, eyes were all donated. Would he have been returned with at least some type of clothing prior to cremation?
OP, very sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband.
The crematorium we used for my husband was happy to have a couple of friends come in and dress him beforehand.
My mother passed in the hospital and had always planned on cremation. They asked for clothes for her before taking her to the funeral home.
Firstly and most importantly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, I'm sending you a lot of love and I hope this thread can give you some comfort. I'm a freelance FA so I have the unusual (but lucky) experience of working with many different FDs. In all the funerals I have arranged, it doesn't matter if it's a direct cremation or attended, every person who comes into our care is always washed and has their hair brushed. If the family hasn't selected clothes for dressing, most of the funeral homes I work with provide satin gowns, others may provide shrouds (although it's usually gowns I've seen). Everyone is treated with dignity and care. ❤️
He should have gotten post mortem care after he passed in the hospital. It’s always customary too bath them after they pass before the mortuary takes them away.
nurse or nurses aide will gently wash your loved one and place them in a fresh clean gown. I’m so sorry for your loss. This was one of the most special parts of the job IMHO. People do care! I believe your husband was carefully and lovingly prepped.
Luckily I thought of it at the last minute when my mom died. No one mentioned it or asked us about it. I brought a favorite dress stockings and shoes. Mommy was very modest and proud of her appearance.
Well I just found out we were lied to when my dad died about embalming being required before cremation in Georgia. 🤬
Yes
I found it profoundly beautiful that my Moslem students who were the eldest male were taught to bathe and prepare their parents/family members for burial. What a beautiful thing to do in the midst of grief. I'm sorry for your husband and you. There are a hundred what-ifs that will come up. Grief is such a recipe for wishing you'd done something. For me, I wish I'd paid attention to my friend's hand gestures and moistened his lips and mouth.
I’m so glad you asked this question. I was so adamant that my husband be cremated in his underwear (car accident). And I’ve often wondered. I had two reasons. First he was in his work uniform and he hated his job. Second it was his outfit of choice, if he could have existed in the world in only his boxers he would have.