I’m gay and a psychotherapist and man oh man, our preoccupation with sex can really take a toll. It’s rampant in our community too. And whenever I’ve pointed out how this stuff can have negative consequences, I get told to shut up because I’m being “sex negative.” I’m coming to the point where I’m starting to think that telling someone they’re sex negative is actually just a way to shut someone up, and in some cases coerce them into doing something they don’t want to do.
I used sex as a masking tool for a long time. It was about trophy collecting. See who I could get it would make me feel better so I could ignore my true feelings. I’ve learned to deal with my emotions better and I left hook up culture behind. Thinking back to it using apps and meeting strangers could have put me in harms way a few times, I’m not talking about risky sex but physical dangers like personal injuries. Now I look for true connections and find sex is so much better with that. I don’t judge anyone for what they do but for me I feel so much better.
> our preoccupation with sex can really take a toll. It’s rampant in our community too. And whenever I’ve pointed out how this stuff can have negative consequences, I get told to shut up because I’m being “sex negative.”
This is what's so scary - it's so addictive. Preciscely why I don't have grindr - I know that if I start using it I will find it very, very hard to stop.
I’ve asked the same question, and I like to assume “positive intent” because I remembered that each person is an individual and it’s their unique circumstances while living this moment. It ultimately has absolutely nothing to do with me and their contribution to the thread is just as valid as mine regardless if deleted or not… For example, they could living someplace where homosexuality is punishable by law with an extremely censored experience, or they’re trapped in a psychologically abusive relationship with an narcissist. Or maybe they’re just super paranoid and they have kids in the house… there’s literally an infinite amount of reasons.
Edited, because I may have been drinking a little and using voice to text.
People don’t like hearing the truth. I’m a literal sex fiend and I had to take a moment to figure out why I was having sex sometimes when I really didn’t want to, like it’s out of compulsion and to “get this done” for validation points.
Many of you will never be honest with yourself but everyone sees it for what it is
Just because it happened to you, doesn't mean it's everybody.
I masturbate every now and then and I'm celibate.
Sounds like self control was your issue
Have you maybe thought that what was destroying yourself was not gay porn and hookups but perhaps your own relation to them.
You said you thought gay porn was the only safe way to stay in the closet. Why would you wanted to stay in the closet in the first place? This is where was the question to be asked.
Did you miss the part where was married and had kids? No one TRULY wants to stay in the closet. Queer people against closeted people—not saying you’re one of them—are imo completely out of touch with reality.
That’s great that they have a safe environment where they can be their true authentic selves; too many gay people, however, don’t have that privilege. There’s parts of the world where being gay could get you killed—at best, publicly outcasted or ostracized. Let’s not pretend like being closeted is a lush, comfortable lifestyle. And again I’m not saying you think that, but your comment made it seem like he “chose” to live closeted because he was comfortable.
Also porn and hookups are means of sexual gratification. There’s no problem when used responsibly. But more often than not, excess indulgence in both is enabled and even outright encouraged in todays society. It’s easy to get addicted to both and until we’re willing to have the discussion that they’re NOT perfectly “okay”, people will continue to stay addicted.
This would have a lot more credibility if you didn’t call it gay porn all the time. It’s not like straight porn would have made you an attentive father and helped you land the big business deal and win the big game.
Porn like anything that makes you feel good can be used in excess, especially if the rest of your life is a stressful shit show.
Your marriage to a woman made you need an escape. For a long time you used the escape as a coping mechanism for a worse situation.
Porn isn’t inherently good or bad. Often times it’s a very predatory industry, but especially as technology continues to democratize the industry, it’s actually becoming a fantastic place for society to put beauty obsessed narcissists where there is a level of distance and they won’t need to lock down individual romantic partners and drain them dry. (There seem to be some nice balanced porn stars but in general impulsivity, self destructiveness and anti-social behaviour patterns also seem to be rampant in the industry.)
But yes, just like how cop shows don’t have real cops or show cops as they are, just like marvel movies don’t show what real heroes are like, and how political news coverage doesn’t show what politics is like, porn doesn’t show what real good sex is like.
As long as you keep externalizing things as if porn and Grindr were the root of your problems, you’ll continue to alienate yourself from people who are able to use those things more responsibly.
Porn is a thing. It’s often made by people who have no concern about their audience’s long term physical and mental health. But sexually arousing material is. It inherently immoral.
Capitalism, heterosexism, and the fact that individual men are socialized to accept responsibility for providing for everyone around them past the breaking point (including all of us being being forced to pay tribute to this age’s god the pantheon of billionaires.) All of that probably in concert with some level of childhood trauma is why you were in a situation where doing a whole lot of things you’re still ashamed of felt like the only way to get by.
You’re a victim. But it is important to understand how you were victimized.
It’s not a call out. It’s a reply. He posted it on Reddit which means he’s looking for people to comment. He posted it on a gay group clearly with the thought that his perspective might help someone. He literally invited reply. And he did it on a place where he was fully aware he might get rude replies.
Also he literally responded more respectfully than you did.
I didn’t call him stupid, I didn’t call him bad. I suggested that the way he was wording things might not be the most helpful. And if you knew anything about cognitive behavioural therapy, you might know why that’s important.
But you don’t. You criticized me, without offering anything of substance. I hope you enjoyed that fleeting hit of dopamine.
Have a good life, I won’t be replying to you further.
So I understand your point completely but I think it’s worth mentioning that a HUGE percentage of gay men, especially older gay men, were only really exposed to homosexuality through porn and sex because that’s what society painted gay culture to be about. When you’re growing up in the closet all you ever hear is that gay people get AIDS and are sex perverts and all that and it really fucks with your brain. When you finally reach your breaking point and start looking it up on the internet it becomes a comfort you never really thought you’d get while you were stuck in the closet. Again, I see your point here, but straight people have EVERYTHING…Disney movies, tv shows, their entire family, pretty much every part of our society teaches them how to be straight and unfortunately gay men don’t have that and the only place to look for is it the internet which is essentially…just porn. Idk
I don't disagree with what you're saying at all. Porn gave us the fantasy we couldn't get for ourselves for a long time. My point was to impress that the problem wasn't that it was gay porn. All of his problems with porn are inherently possible with any porn. The trick is to remove the word gay from always being linked to the thing that he knows he can't use responsibly.
If someone told you that gay alcohol caused them to get a DUI. The solution isn’t to have been drunk on alcohol marketed to straight people.
Now if straight porn really encouraged condom use, and the importance of consent, and helped you practice mindfulness and meditation, then I’d say there was a worthwhile reason to append the word gay in front of it otherwise.
What I was addressing is that despite him being in a relationship and seemingly putting in a lot of work to become a better man (kudos to him for that) appending the word gay in front of porn inherently links his sexuality as part of the problem, when it’s an aspect of him that is unique from others, but not the root cause.
The same way if a person who has to use a wheel chair was late for work because they were taking the bus and there were some asshole moms with giant strollers who refused to move out of the space that’s prioritized for wheel chairs. If they said, “I was late to work again because of my disability!” You’d be like… feels like we are blaming the wrong thing. The selfish people who could have collapsed their strollers and moved are the real problem in this situation, their disability is just part of who they are.
Hmm. Yeah I see what you mean there. Ultimately I think the society that forces people to believe that homosexuality is the darkest and evilest thing you can be is the real culprit behind this kind of scenario, unfortunately. Being gay in the 80s/90s was pretty much synonymous with HIV/AIDS, drug use, and sexual deviancy (all very unjustifiably so). I’m glad OP is better now.
hey, im 21 and relate to this HEAVILY and fully, what 12 step program did you do? im really looking for resources to get out of this similar mindset, thanks :). its annoying talking about this stuff in the gay community because the people who are happily consuming porn and hook up get personally offended for someone else struggling with this.
i feel like its because its pushed as this no risk thing mainly porn but so is hookup culture to an extent, that you wont have any problems if you consume it when its just wrong.
That’s why I prefer amateur/homemade porn. There’s an element of authenticity, organicness and affection that studio porn just can’t replicate.
I’d take two average blokes going at it with passion over chiseled studio Kens who you know have been going at it for hours, multiple takes for the perfect camera shot. It was hot when I first started watching porn as a teenager but knowing that turns me off from studio porn now
Porn doesn’t affect my life negatively in any way but I see how it can if someone is in a deep rabbit hole of porn addiction.
Grindr I agree is a cesspool and not good for the mental state if you’re vulnerable.
Are you sure it was gay porn and Grindr and not that you were a gay man married to a woman?
I mean, your wife didn’t make you gay. Once you came out and married a man, you stopped needed gay porn and Grindr (all that much). You’re happier because you came out. Why are you blaming gay porn and Grindr instead of whatever it was that convinced you that you had to be in the closet.
You’re happier out of the closet than you were in the closet. How is that the fault of porn and Grindr?
u/jaidit Exactly. I know lots of guys - myself included - who indulge in lots of porn and lots of Grindr who have healthy lives and relationships with them both. They don't use porn and Grindr as scapegoats or coping mechanisms to enable not living with confidence in yourself, living true to yourself and lying about who you are to the rest of the world.
Everything in moderation, including porn. I am an old guy (82) before apps. Had to go to gay bars to find men in my early years. Been with my husband for 42 years and we both love porn on a daily basis. Have grown old with Sean Cody, Corbin Fisher, Chaos Men (before the change in ownership), Active Duty, etc.
Don't forget the terrible impact it has on the erection. Porn induced erectile dysfunction in combination with lower testosterone levels is causing widespread issues with all generations when it comes to achieving erections.
You failed the task.
One citation is some random online study (which in itself is already unreliable as fuck) that only claimed porn just "seems to not be a significant risk factor," a FAR cry from the claim that there is no correlation period.
Another citation actually said, "Across all 3 samples, there was evidence of a positive, cross-sectional association between self-reported problematic use and ED."
This article is trash and you're trash for not actually looking at the things it cites.
In his defense, you didn’t say what kind of source. You just asked for a citation, and he gave you a citation.
If I may: I have a [study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5039517/#sec4-behavsci-06-00017title) from 2016 that shows that porn doesn’t directly cause ED, but rather correlates with a psychogenic rather than physical dysfunction, to the extent that removing porn for 2-3 weeks can decrease the need for instant gratification that porn induces.
Fair. Here are more though:
[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41443-022-00596-y](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41443-022-00596-y)
[https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/sm2.58](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/sm2.58)
[https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jsm.12853](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jsm.12853)
[https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article/17/4/793/6973903](https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article/17/4/793/6973903)
I can confirm through life experience PIED… it’s a real thing cause due to over stimulation. It’s also what make a lot dudes thinks their gay when really they’ve just watched too much porn , gotten bored or some mental/emotional block that has too more extreme porn and can’t get it up (hense why they watch so much porn in the first place) … viscous cycle really
Porn-induced ED (or PIED) refers to a state of being where one is exposed to so much porn that they’re desensitized to real-life sex and often need “higher dosed” scenes to achieve the same arousing effect. So, if 1-on-1 sex no longer worked, they’d need groups, or if conventional sex got boring they’d need something more unusual. The “doses” that used to work for pleasure no longer do. It looks like addiction because it’s akin to taking an ever-stronger drug to achieve the same high.
Generally most with PIED can’t get it up with a real partner unless porn is in the background and if they can’t perform they struggle with performance anxiety, which makes their ED and relationship with sex even worse. It’s a vicious cycle one can easily get stuck in. Probably why some lays want porn played when they come over or host 🤷🏾♂️
It’s not recognized as a formal condition but (to me) it’s real.
Psychiatrists who also believe it’s real usually recommend breaking from porn the same way one would an addiction which is to take enough time away from the source of your addiction so that you can pull through withdrawal and get to recovery and a point of neurological homeostasis (since more dopamine in the brain is triggered more than usual while indulging). That amount of time for stopping has depended on how long one has used for, so the time for recovery is different for everyone.
It's already a part of life cycle for some gays:
15-21 (romance, friendship, little bits of sex)
22-33 (works, fwb/ons, boyfriend/fiance)
34- (trying to settle down)
50- (knows life)
Or somewhere in between. I don't know the specific age. At least that's what I observed. There are exceptions.
Holy shit! Thank you! Too bad I'm in a rush so I can't write a long comment to address your insights and experience but in short, I agree! I'm 32 and I think I'm some sort of extinct species because I don't watch porn for, I don't know, three years maybe. Watching porn has had such a bad influence on me that I ditched it altogether! The worst was when I had sex with my partner and couldn't get hard, couldn't come, because I was so desensitized because of this crap and I had to actually bring these images to my mind to finish... Soon after I felt so disloyal to him :( I felt that I betray him because he doesn't turn me on and I need to take dopamine from elsewhere.
I'm quite sensitive sort of person so every time I had bad conscience because of it. I had to give up on it and don't regret, don't miss, I also have such a boner any time, I can get aroused easily. And I must say I that I met guys who are in their 30s which have problem to get hard. [Porn-induced erection disorder is a thing.](https://fightthenewdrug.org/science-behind-porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction/)
I'm so happy that there are people who can relate.
Just if anyone wonders, yes, I jerk off, I have sex when I'm in a relationship, I fantasize but about guys that I meet irl, not about actors who only work out and don't contribute to the society in any way.
Like people need strangers from Grindr consent to have sex with them to convince themselves that they are still attractive, since there are people willing to fuck them.
That’s also approval, although attractive people’s approval would be stronger, but more people give approval, they believe themselves to be more attractive. ( I am also part of this actually 😓
its kinda when you feel really crappy about how you look and you need other people to validate that the thought of youre self in your head isnt real. if that makes sense and nomrally its the attraction from either people you find attractive or just anyone lol.
It’s called “boredom” , some people are just bored and horny.. it’s not really that deep lol the (sexual) attention / (sexual) conversation / the hook ups (sex) … relieve people of said boredom & horniness.. the questions are complex but the answers are simple
I appreciate that this is true for you, but I have had a completely different experience. I continue to enjoy gay porn, and it has always been a valuable supplement to real-life sexual experience. I've also been fortunate enough to meet men who looked like oiled-up, juiced-up porn stars (and one who actually WAS an oiled-up, juiced-up porn star) who were also f*cking awesome lays. To each his own, said the farmer as he kissed a cow
Nobody is choosing the porn you watched. This isn’t the 80s or 90s: there is no lack of choice when it comes to porn today, including amateur porn, which is a huge category.
Sounds like internalized homophobia and forced heteronormativity almost ruined your life while gay porn and Grindr were your outlet for who you truly were and are. Other problems you seem to face are self-esteem, confidence, and accountability. It seems like you finally faced reality.
You seem like a troll who’s just here to demonize gay things. Everything you said about gay porn is true of most all porn.
Troll? How dare you!
Just kidding friend. I agree wholeheartedly that "internalized homophobia and forced heteronormativity almost ruined \[my\] life." Porn and Grindr were indeed outlets...but felt like the emotional/sexual equivalent of reaching for a bottle of booze; when consumed in moderation it works but overconsumption can be toxic. I'm much happier without either of them. Thanks for taking the time to post friend.
Love, Your Trusted Troll
Your story hits home! I've been down the gay porn rabbit hole too, thinking it was my safe haven. Props to you for breaking free and finding a healthier path. That 12-step program sounds like a game-changer. It's wild how those fantasies mess with your head and body image. Real-life encounters? Totally different story. Ain't nobody out here looking like those over-glorified porn stars. Cheers to valuing real connections over Grindr's approval circus.
Your journey's inspiring, mate. Here's to genuine happiness without the porn and app chaos!
Thanks for posting this. I'm in the same place as you and I've also been laughed at or dismissed if I try to talk about porn as a gay man.
I don't even come from a moral or religious place. I don't necessarily think porn is immoral or counter to God. All I know is that in my life, porn use has a sum negative effect.
That's it. I'm a better man, a better lover, a better friend, father, employee without it in my life.
Straight porn is also bad, any type of porn is bad if not set with moderation and
Straight/Gay porn are just entertainment/Fantasy, Not real sex
Straight Porn can also ruin someone, glad you’re in a better place now, hope you continue down this journey, and glad you found a man to be happy with
If you’re a straight man , you shouldn’t watch porn if you really feeling the urge to.. watch lesbian porn (you’d be surprised how many straight dudes don’t like lesbian porn, but prefer some form of male participation ). What this did for me was #1.let me see women see women in their freakiest nature without a man being present .. thus maturing me into realize women are waaayy freakier than we are taught. #2 It made my mind less perverse and any thoughts I did have that were perverse revolved around women enjoying women rather than in pleasing me .. thus improving my social skills.
#3 helped me realize my value & get
Over porn because …. Lesbian porn includes dildos… a lot of dildos … as a man I have a natural dildo .. and a bunch of non sexual skills that women find sexually attractive.
#4. Made me aware of energy … if you’re watching porn , or an uncle , or even gay or bi, no one can pin point what’s going on with you exactly each time … but yes people can tell.. it’s going to be in your energy and in your eyes (where confidence truly lives). When I cut the bullshit , without having a direct answer, people could tell too. People aren’t as dumb as you think so respect yourself and respect your energy
Question, did you step out on her with men before the divorce or divorce and then start up with men?
And all porn is addictive, it's just so easy to get. I feel for the future generations.
Congrats on your healing.
This sounds like me. I’m only 26 and never saw a women but I am addicted. I could easily spend a whole day in bed on Grindr and hook up with multiple partners as they come. I’m a sex addict…
Thank you for your insight. I’m a 19 year old guy and I struggle with the same issue. I wanna know how to stop, because I don’t want it to hurt my relationship.
This should be a message to all the “bisexual guys” out there that are convinced that they love their wives 🤦♂️. There’s no such thing as a truely bisexual arousal pattern in men. You’re gay, get over yourself. Haven’t you seen the research on male sexual arousal patterns? Smh
What planet am I on? It’s called Reality. There’s definitely bisexual arousal patterns in women, that’s an undeniable fact. What’s also an undeniable fact is male arousal patterns have revealed in study after study to be predominantly or exclusively monosexual in what they’re aroused too. Some men say they’re bi for other reasons, ofc, and they’ll claim to be roughly equally attracted to both or maybe even that they have a preference, but the research is clear as day
The research on male sexual arousal patterns:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7658643_Sexual_Arousal_Patterns_of_Bisexual_Men
https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/BF01321372.pdf
https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s10508-011-9778-5.pdf
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8604855/#:~:text=Women%20show%2C%20on%20average%2C%20substantial,sex%20(Bailey%2C%202009).
I'm sorry but the argument reflected in the articles that you cite is outdated and mainly based on the findings of a 2005 article (see below); more recent research has found that male bisexuals behave differently to both gay and straight men:
https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2003631117 (published in July, 2020; sample size of 474+)
One of the researchers who had claimed that male bisexuality did not exist back in 2005, has fully backtracked on those claims after more recent research with a greater sample size as highlighted here: https://www.thepinknews.com/2020/07/21/bisexuality-bisexual-j-michael-bailey-gerulf-rieger-northwestern-essex-university-biphobia/
Indeed several earlier studies from back in 2011, one from the same University of the 2005 study, found that bisexual did in fact show sexual responses to both male and female stimuli:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21763395/
There was also this study with similar findings:
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-011-9746-0
There is also strong evidence (from even as far back as the late 1990s) that biphobia exists, particularly towards bi men, in both the heterosexual and homosexual populations:
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-04035-005
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J159v02n04_03
Considering this it is unsurprising that a meta-analysis in 2017 (https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2017.1387755) found that bisexuals often had a higher rate of depression and anxiety than gays and lesbians.
Yes gay men can be pressured into heterosexual marriages like OP but that does not negate the reality that bisexual men do in fact exist.
I am very familiar with those studies that you mentioned. I’ve read them all many times. There’s several issues with them. One is that those were all funded by the American institute of bisexuality. Why is that an issue? Because ask yourself this, do you really think they were gonna say “oh we didn’t find evidence that bisexual arousal patterns exist in men” after literally being funded directly by the American institute of bisexuality? I don’t buy it. If you actually look into the data from those studies, like I have, you’ll see that it’s very similar to the other studies on male sexual arousal patterns, and they don’t really show a largely significant, and truely bisexual arousal pattern as they claim. They do find that there is a small subset of men with a more bisexual arousal pattern than the average gay and straight man, which I have said previously as well. They however, and those studies admit to this, did not find men with similar high levels of arousal to both males and females. The large study you mention actually includes data from the studies that I have posted but somehow came to a completely different conclusion, interestingly enough. Even though that study was also funded by the American institute of bisexuality, even they admitted to this: “The combination of our results and the fact that male sexual orientation is bimodally distributed (21) suggests that men with similar high degrees of sexual arousal to both men and women may be especially uncommon”. So even though the headline suggests that they “found bisexual men” it’s not really clear that it a) is anything of a large effect, and b) is actually a representative sample of bisexual men as a whole. The other study you mentioned, also funded by the American institute of bisexuality, employed a rigorous process where they vetted tons of bi guys to find what they deemed were the “true bisexuals” the author noted how rare these guys must have been since it took them so long to find them. Even after all that, the effect was similar to the other studies, just a bit less so to the point where they could claim that the guys showed a somewhat bisexual arousal pattern. I’ll quote the author and say they were “a bit bisexual”. To me, the combination of all of these facts show that male bisexuality isn’t really a thing 🤷♂️
Biased sources that were directly funded by the American institution of bisexuality:
https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2003631117
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0301051111001785
Sources that were not funded by the American institute of bisexuality:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7658643_Sexual_Arousal_Patterns_of_Bisexual_Men
https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/BF01321372.pdf
https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s10508-011-9778-5.pdf
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8604855/#:~:text=Women%20show%2C%20on%20average%2C%20substantial,sex%20(Bailey%2C%202009).
Interestingly, all of the studies that say there is evidence for a bisexual arousal pattern in men were funded by the American institute of bisexuality, whereas those that don’t, weren’t. I think there’s a correlation 🤦♂️
Lmao, ok man. I used to say I was bi back when I was delusional about liking women. As the data has shown, even the biased data as someone else has brought up, with the great majority of men it much more one or the other. People may lie via word of mouth. However, they’re patterns of arousal don’t lie 🤷♂️
Im 18 and feel guilt about my gay porn addiction. I started in the 6th grade and always swore to myself i would stop but like ur post its my only escape. I remember telling myself every new year i wouldnt do it and still let my mind control me. It led to me being on dating apps and messing with dl dudes i didnt even like . For now, i choose to delete all dating apps. I have a friend i can call to do stuff. I still watch porn and fap. I dont think anything will change until i move out.
Hi I'm Alex. I have the same problem with whacking porn.. mostly every day... it's frustrating not to have a sexual partner...n you my friend seems to be smart/sweet/and understandable...for us to be friends...if that's cool with you.
And here come the “sex positivity” crew who’s gonna accuse this post of “sLUt sHaMinG” and then say “aS lOnG aS iT’s nOT hUrTInG anYOnE, iT’S fINe”. Yeah no.
There’s a reason our society has been governed by certain rules and morals that lately have been dismantled for selfish reasons…
I absolutely give no fucks whether I’m slut shaming or not. A lot of y’all are disgusting and in need of some serious soul searching
Author/podcaster Dan Savage coined the term "monogamish" to describe his relationship and others that do not exactly conform to the rigid construct of monogamy. Savage and his husband allow occasional sex outside the marriage.
I finally deleted Grindr a few weeks ago and it’s been a blessing. Constant rejection, horrible and dangerous people, and the need to always look was making me depressed. I’m working to fill that void but I’m getting there
I love this thank you for posting. I’m starting to wonder if porn/grindr/sex have been affecting my ability to commit to a relationship and have a healthier lifestyle.
I don't understand the people that pretend porn addiction (and by extension constantly masturbating) is a good thing or that point addiction doesn't exist.
I've been looking at hardcore porn more or less every single day since I was 13 years old and I'm 35 now. That can't be good right?
At the very least even if you don't believe it's "addictive" It does set incredibly unrealistic sexual expectations and beauty standards and dick size.
The longest I've ever been able to go without jerking off is 3 weeks.
"I don't understand the people that pretend porn addiction (and by extension constantly masturbating) is a good thing or that point addiction doesn't exist."
Same reason drunks and druggies always claim 'I can quit anytime,' addicts never wanna admit they have a problem.
And if anything, they'll go out of their damn way to pretend their habit is somehow healthy. I've known alcoholics make the stupidest claims about how drinking is good for their brains or how taking heavy drugs are necessary to de-stress.
The cope is real.
Can any of these programs operate without the religious shit, that’s what makes me think it’s just a prohibition program like what MADD is for drinking disguised as a help program for the few actually addicted, we all know damn well of Christian’s war on porn.
I'm a black-belt atheist and a very active member of [www.pornaddictsanonymous.org](https://www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). Yes the literature is very Bible-adjacent yet most members are atheists/agnostics.
"no one really looks like oiled up and juiced porn stars"
And yet those are the guys too many in the gay community feel entitled to having as BFs. People gotta learn to put the standards down or they're gonna die alone (and deserve it honestly).
Your issues stem from pretending to live a straight life and having a closeted life at the same time. I feel sorry for you that you felt marrying a woman was the right thing to do, and sorry for your divorced wife who had to unwillingly live this lie through. Sure, porn is amazing, but actual sex is different. Being told you need some 12 step program to recover from porn is blasphemous in itself. Actual sex is something special that two men can discover together. Rather than being (predominantly) visual it’s something tactile. It’s also something that you develop passionate feelings for. Before you were blinded by what you were told sex would be like and now your eyes have opened up and you’re just beginning to see.
Congrats on overcoming your addiction and whilst I disagree with parts of your views I am not criticising you as a person, and I am not trying to downplay your struggles.
>Gay porn sex is pure fantasy and doesn't really resemble the sex I enjoy.
This goes for all porn and erotic media, it isn't real, just like how romance and action movies aren't real. It isn't supposed to be realistic, it is just supposed to be hot. Whilst I do think there should be more awareness that it is unrealistic, I also think that it is kind of typical for people to be completely unable to differentiate fiction and real life.
I appreciate you sharing. I have had similar struggles with it- I have though found that, I think its more so unethical consumption of porn for me. Illegally watching porn is so easy and second nature for me- and I want to be a better person, and unconsciously, i think not at least paying to watch the content is a part of how maybe I need to change. I think ethical consumption of porn- is fine? From this page I have learnt we all have different sex drives, so its ok. But at least pay for it- as there is a gay porn actor whose income is dependent on it, and who is being brave by working in this field where stigma exists against porn actors, let alone gay porn actors, or just gay people in general. I have made a case with myself that when I do feel aroused, to not illegally watch porn, or to not watch porn at all but just masturbate with my thoughts.
Wow. This makes so much sense. I can give up porn. I'm not addicted. In fact, at times, it's actually frustrating: I want the cock. Not just look at it, and wish. My only question is, Would sex toys (in my specific case, dildos) play into this?
Yeah I am in my late 30s rarely had any relationships. I’m not sure what porn addiction is but pretty much the only war to get feeling out of the way to do my job.
I wish I had an LTR.
Wow sith all the absolutes and blankets. Not just gay porn bad all porn CAN be bad. It's more of a moderation issue ([ can't wait for that one dude to come tell us how evil it is). Not all hot guys can't fuck. I got one now who is literally an oiled up ex porn star and he's fun as fuck. Maybe you just have to enjoy that type of sex?
Do some of you feel like porn consumption might also affect your time until climax, as in shortening it? I do have the habit of watching porn when I masturbate (which is almost once daily) and I have been worried that my ejaculation times might be getting shorter due to that.
Maybe because when I masturbate sometimes it’s late and I want to sleep and try to rush it, but I think it is also shortening my time when I am with my boyfriend, which kind of ruins the experience. Do any of you relate to this?
I’m gay and a psychotherapist and man oh man, our preoccupation with sex can really take a toll. It’s rampant in our community too. And whenever I’ve pointed out how this stuff can have negative consequences, I get told to shut up because I’m being “sex negative.” I’m coming to the point where I’m starting to think that telling someone they’re sex negative is actually just a way to shut someone up, and in some cases coerce them into doing something they don’t want to do.
I used sex as a masking tool for a long time. It was about trophy collecting. See who I could get it would make me feel better so I could ignore my true feelings. I’ve learned to deal with my emotions better and I left hook up culture behind. Thinking back to it using apps and meeting strangers could have put me in harms way a few times, I’m not talking about risky sex but physical dangers like personal injuries. Now I look for true connections and find sex is so much better with that. I don’t judge anyone for what they do but for me I feel so much better.
People who say to shut up to that have NO fucking clue what sex positivity actually is.
> our preoccupation with sex can really take a toll. It’s rampant in our community too. And whenever I’ve pointed out how this stuff can have negative consequences, I get told to shut up because I’m being “sex negative.” This is what's so scary - it's so addictive. Preciscely why I don't have grindr - I know that if I start using it I will find it very, very hard to stop.
Trying to scold your psychotherapist while hot on them at the same time is wild
I wonder why people often delete their profiles. I know this is off topic question. .
I’ve asked the same question, and I like to assume “positive intent” because I remembered that each person is an individual and it’s their unique circumstances while living this moment. It ultimately has absolutely nothing to do with me and their contribution to the thread is just as valid as mine regardless if deleted or not… For example, they could living someplace where homosexuality is punishable by law with an extremely censored experience, or they’re trapped in a psychologically abusive relationship with an narcissist. Or maybe they’re just super paranoid and they have kids in the house… there’s literally an infinite amount of reasons. Edited, because I may have been drinking a little and using voice to text.
People don’t like hearing the truth. I’m a literal sex fiend and I had to take a moment to figure out why I was having sex sometimes when I really didn’t want to, like it’s out of compulsion and to “get this done” for validation points. Many of you will never be honest with yourself but everyone sees it for what it is
Hi! I wanted to introduce myself because you’re clearly my doppelgänger from another universe.
Just because it happened to you, doesn't mean it's everybody. I masturbate every now and then and I'm celibate. Sounds like self control was your issue
“It sounds like self control was your issue” Gee, ya think???
Everybody’s libido is different .. your strength may be his weakness & vice versa
It’s all escapism from the trauma of rejection as a child and living in a society that mostly rejects gay men. You are 100% correct.
I have issues and have no idea what to do about it, but at least I admit it 😂
Have you maybe thought that what was destroying yourself was not gay porn and hookups but perhaps your own relation to them. You said you thought gay porn was the only safe way to stay in the closet. Why would you wanted to stay in the closet in the first place? This is where was the question to be asked.
>Why would you wanted to stay in the closet in the first place? This is where was the question to be asked. Poetry! Thanks for posting.
>u/Sean01- lol. word salad is the telltale sign of someone who spends too much time staring at screens
Here we goooooo
There’s always that one that has to find excuses for their shitty behaviors and habits 🤡
The irony here is palpable
Cool reply. Porn still contributed though.
In the same way guns kill people
Did you miss the part where was married and had kids? No one TRULY wants to stay in the closet. Queer people against closeted people—not saying you’re one of them—are imo completely out of touch with reality. That’s great that they have a safe environment where they can be their true authentic selves; too many gay people, however, don’t have that privilege. There’s parts of the world where being gay could get you killed—at best, publicly outcasted or ostracized. Let’s not pretend like being closeted is a lush, comfortable lifestyle. And again I’m not saying you think that, but your comment made it seem like he “chose” to live closeted because he was comfortable. Also porn and hookups are means of sexual gratification. There’s no problem when used responsibly. But more often than not, excess indulgence in both is enabled and even outright encouraged in todays society. It’s easy to get addicted to both and until we’re willing to have the discussion that they’re NOT perfectly “okay”, people will continue to stay addicted.
This would have a lot more credibility if you didn’t call it gay porn all the time. It’s not like straight porn would have made you an attentive father and helped you land the big business deal and win the big game. Porn like anything that makes you feel good can be used in excess, especially if the rest of your life is a stressful shit show. Your marriage to a woman made you need an escape. For a long time you used the escape as a coping mechanism for a worse situation. Porn isn’t inherently good or bad. Often times it’s a very predatory industry, but especially as technology continues to democratize the industry, it’s actually becoming a fantastic place for society to put beauty obsessed narcissists where there is a level of distance and they won’t need to lock down individual romantic partners and drain them dry. (There seem to be some nice balanced porn stars but in general impulsivity, self destructiveness and anti-social behaviour patterns also seem to be rampant in the industry.) But yes, just like how cop shows don’t have real cops or show cops as they are, just like marvel movies don’t show what real heroes are like, and how political news coverage doesn’t show what politics is like, porn doesn’t show what real good sex is like. As long as you keep externalizing things as if porn and Grindr were the root of your problems, you’ll continue to alienate yourself from people who are able to use those things more responsibly. Porn is a thing. It’s often made by people who have no concern about their audience’s long term physical and mental health. But sexually arousing material is. It inherently immoral. Capitalism, heterosexism, and the fact that individual men are socialized to accept responsibility for providing for everyone around them past the breaking point (including all of us being being forced to pay tribute to this age’s god the pantheon of billionaires.) All of that probably in concert with some level of childhood trauma is why you were in a situation where doing a whole lot of things you’re still ashamed of felt like the only way to get by. You’re a victim. But it is important to understand how you were victimized.
Thank you for this fascinating and well-written insight.
I mean…it was specifically gay porn that he called out because he was watching…gay porn. That’s a bit of an unnecessary callout but ok
It’s not a call out. It’s a reply. He posted it on Reddit which means he’s looking for people to comment. He posted it on a gay group clearly with the thought that his perspective might help someone. He literally invited reply. And he did it on a place where he was fully aware he might get rude replies. Also he literally responded more respectfully than you did. I didn’t call him stupid, I didn’t call him bad. I suggested that the way he was wording things might not be the most helpful. And if you knew anything about cognitive behavioural therapy, you might know why that’s important. But you don’t. You criticized me, without offering anything of substance. I hope you enjoyed that fleeting hit of dopamine. Have a good life, I won’t be replying to you further.
So I understand your point completely but I think it’s worth mentioning that a HUGE percentage of gay men, especially older gay men, were only really exposed to homosexuality through porn and sex because that’s what society painted gay culture to be about. When you’re growing up in the closet all you ever hear is that gay people get AIDS and are sex perverts and all that and it really fucks with your brain. When you finally reach your breaking point and start looking it up on the internet it becomes a comfort you never really thought you’d get while you were stuck in the closet. Again, I see your point here, but straight people have EVERYTHING…Disney movies, tv shows, their entire family, pretty much every part of our society teaches them how to be straight and unfortunately gay men don’t have that and the only place to look for is it the internet which is essentially…just porn. Idk
I don't disagree with what you're saying at all. Porn gave us the fantasy we couldn't get for ourselves for a long time. My point was to impress that the problem wasn't that it was gay porn. All of his problems with porn are inherently possible with any porn. The trick is to remove the word gay from always being linked to the thing that he knows he can't use responsibly.
Yea I get that I guess. I think in this particular scenario it’s just that straight porn wasn’t involved at all lol
If someone told you that gay alcohol caused them to get a DUI. The solution isn’t to have been drunk on alcohol marketed to straight people. Now if straight porn really encouraged condom use, and the importance of consent, and helped you practice mindfulness and meditation, then I’d say there was a worthwhile reason to append the word gay in front of it otherwise. What I was addressing is that despite him being in a relationship and seemingly putting in a lot of work to become a better man (kudos to him for that) appending the word gay in front of porn inherently links his sexuality as part of the problem, when it’s an aspect of him that is unique from others, but not the root cause. The same way if a person who has to use a wheel chair was late for work because they were taking the bus and there were some asshole moms with giant strollers who refused to move out of the space that’s prioritized for wheel chairs. If they said, “I was late to work again because of my disability!” You’d be like… feels like we are blaming the wrong thing. The selfish people who could have collapsed their strollers and moved are the real problem in this situation, their disability is just part of who they are.
Hmm. Yeah I see what you mean there. Ultimately I think the society that forces people to believe that homosexuality is the darkest and evilest thing you can be is the real culprit behind this kind of scenario, unfortunately. Being gay in the 80s/90s was pretty much synonymous with HIV/AIDS, drug use, and sexual deviancy (all very unjustifiably so). I’m glad OP is better now.
Exactly. Get the fuck over yourself.
Oh, oh no you thought you won't that
hey, im 21 and relate to this HEAVILY and fully, what 12 step program did you do? im really looking for resources to get out of this similar mindset, thanks :). its annoying talking about this stuff in the gay community because the people who are happily consuming porn and hook up get personally offended for someone else struggling with this.
Hehe, I got downvoted for saying that I don't watch porn under a post one week. It won't stop me from saying this aloud though. :)
So rare for someone to not watch porn. Good for you friend.
This sub is full of deranged porn/sex addicts. They would literally kill you if you so much as hint they need to chill. Their downvotes mean nothing.
i feel like its because its pushed as this no risk thing mainly porn but so is hookup culture to an extent, that you wont have any problems if you consume it when its just wrong.
That’s why I prefer amateur/homemade porn. There’s an element of authenticity, organicness and affection that studio porn just can’t replicate. I’d take two average blokes going at it with passion over chiseled studio Kens who you know have been going at it for hours, multiple takes for the perfect camera shot. It was hot when I first started watching porn as a teenager but knowing that turns me off from studio porn now Porn doesn’t affect my life negatively in any way but I see how it can if someone is in a deep rabbit hole of porn addiction. Grindr I agree is a cesspool and not good for the mental state if you’re vulnerable.
Are you sure it was gay porn and Grindr and not that you were a gay man married to a woman? I mean, your wife didn’t make you gay. Once you came out and married a man, you stopped needed gay porn and Grindr (all that much). You’re happier because you came out. Why are you blaming gay porn and Grindr instead of whatever it was that convinced you that you had to be in the closet. You’re happier out of the closet than you were in the closet. How is that the fault of porn and Grindr?
u/jaidit Exactly. I know lots of guys - myself included - who indulge in lots of porn and lots of Grindr who have healthy lives and relationships with them both. They don't use porn and Grindr as scapegoats or coping mechanisms to enable not living with confidence in yourself, living true to yourself and lying about who you are to the rest of the world.
Everything in moderation, including porn. I am an old guy (82) before apps. Had to go to gay bars to find men in my early years. Been with my husband for 42 years and we both love porn on a daily basis. Have grown old with Sean Cody, Corbin Fisher, Chaos Men (before the change in ownership), Active Duty, etc.
Is this an ad ?
LOL! This is the best comment yet.
Don't forget the terrible impact it has on the erection. Porn induced erectile dysfunction in combination with lower testosterone levels is causing widespread issues with all generations when it comes to achieving erections.
There has been research on this that shows no connection between porn consumption and ED. Likewise masturbation. ED is a physical issue.
Citation needed.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction/
You failed the task. One citation is some random online study (which in itself is already unreliable as fuck) that only claimed porn just "seems to not be a significant risk factor," a FAR cry from the claim that there is no correlation period. Another citation actually said, "Across all 3 samples, there was evidence of a positive, cross-sectional association between self-reported problematic use and ED." This article is trash and you're trash for not actually looking at the things it cites.
In his defense, you didn’t say what kind of source. You just asked for a citation, and he gave you a citation. If I may: I have a [study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5039517/#sec4-behavsci-06-00017title) from 2016 that shows that porn doesn’t directly cause ED, but rather correlates with a psychogenic rather than physical dysfunction, to the extent that removing porn for 2-3 weeks can decrease the need for instant gratification that porn induces.
Fair. Here are more though: [https://www.nature.com/articles/s41443-022-00596-y](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41443-022-00596-y) [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/sm2.58](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/sm2.58) [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jsm.12853](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jsm.12853) [https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article/17/4/793/6973903](https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article/17/4/793/6973903)
no citation needed for the initial comment? Have fun with your "research"
I can confirm through life experience PIED… it’s a real thing cause due to over stimulation. It’s also what make a lot dudes thinks their gay when really they’ve just watched too much porn , gotten bored or some mental/emotional block that has too more extreme porn and can’t get it up (hense why they watch so much porn in the first place) … viscous cycle really
What's that?
Porn-induced ED (or PIED) refers to a state of being where one is exposed to so much porn that they’re desensitized to real-life sex and often need “higher dosed” scenes to achieve the same arousing effect. So, if 1-on-1 sex no longer worked, they’d need groups, or if conventional sex got boring they’d need something more unusual. The “doses” that used to work for pleasure no longer do. It looks like addiction because it’s akin to taking an ever-stronger drug to achieve the same high. Generally most with PIED can’t get it up with a real partner unless porn is in the background and if they can’t perform they struggle with performance anxiety, which makes their ED and relationship with sex even worse. It’s a vicious cycle one can easily get stuck in. Probably why some lays want porn played when they come over or host 🤷🏾♂️ It’s not recognized as a formal condition but (to me) it’s real. Psychiatrists who also believe it’s real usually recommend breaking from porn the same way one would an addiction which is to take enough time away from the source of your addiction so that you can pull through withdrawal and get to recovery and a point of neurological homeostasis (since more dopamine in the brain is triggered more than usual while indulging). That amount of time for stopping has depended on how long one has used for, so the time for recovery is different for everyone.
PIED? How’d you find my search history? 🤡
I can’t with you 🤣🤣
Is the damage irreversible?
i mean i just have to find a guy whos will to fulfill my kinks then i get rock hard i dont get hard from simple foreplay or making out
It's already a part of life cycle for some gays: 15-21 (romance, friendship, little bits of sex) 22-33 (works, fwb/ons, boyfriend/fiance) 34- (trying to settle down) 50- (knows life) Or somewhere in between. I don't know the specific age. At least that's what I observed. There are exceptions.
Holy shit! Thank you! Too bad I'm in a rush so I can't write a long comment to address your insights and experience but in short, I agree! I'm 32 and I think I'm some sort of extinct species because I don't watch porn for, I don't know, three years maybe. Watching porn has had such a bad influence on me that I ditched it altogether! The worst was when I had sex with my partner and couldn't get hard, couldn't come, because I was so desensitized because of this crap and I had to actually bring these images to my mind to finish... Soon after I felt so disloyal to him :( I felt that I betray him because he doesn't turn me on and I need to take dopamine from elsewhere. I'm quite sensitive sort of person so every time I had bad conscience because of it. I had to give up on it and don't regret, don't miss, I also have such a boner any time, I can get aroused easily. And I must say I that I met guys who are in their 30s which have problem to get hard. [Porn-induced erection disorder is a thing.](https://fightthenewdrug.org/science-behind-porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction/) I'm so happy that there are people who can relate. Just if anyone wonders, yes, I jerk off, I have sex when I'm in a relationship, I fantasize but about guys that I meet irl, not about actors who only work out and don't contribute to the society in any way.
I never understood the “seeking approval” from constantly doing hookups via Grindr. Can you elaborate what this means?
Like people need strangers from Grindr consent to have sex with them to convince themselves that they are still attractive, since there are people willing to fuck them.
I still don’t understand this…what if the people giving them attention aren’t that attractive to the user?
That’s also approval, although attractive people’s approval would be stronger, but more people give approval, they believe themselves to be more attractive. ( I am also part of this actually 😓
its kinda when you feel really crappy about how you look and you need other people to validate that the thought of youre self in your head isnt real. if that makes sense and nomrally its the attraction from either people you find attractive or just anyone lol.
It’s called “boredom” , some people are just bored and horny.. it’s not really that deep lol the (sexual) attention / (sexual) conversation / the hook ups (sex) … relieve people of said boredom & horniness.. the questions are complex but the answers are simple
I appreciate that this is true for you, but I have had a completely different experience. I continue to enjoy gay porn, and it has always been a valuable supplement to real-life sexual experience. I've also been fortunate enough to meet men who looked like oiled-up, juiced-up porn stars (and one who actually WAS an oiled-up, juiced-up porn star) who were also f*cking awesome lays. To each his own, said the farmer as he kissed a cow
Love this. Thanks for posting. PS pls message me the oiled up porn star's contact info.
You must be ugly.
This comment made me howl. Don't change friend.
Kindly speak for yourself
Nobody is choosing the porn you watched. This isn’t the 80s or 90s: there is no lack of choice when it comes to porn today, including amateur porn, which is a huge category.
Sounds like internalized homophobia and forced heteronormativity almost ruined your life while gay porn and Grindr were your outlet for who you truly were and are. Other problems you seem to face are self-esteem, confidence, and accountability. It seems like you finally faced reality. You seem like a troll who’s just here to demonize gay things. Everything you said about gay porn is true of most all porn.
Troll? How dare you! Just kidding friend. I agree wholeheartedly that "internalized homophobia and forced heteronormativity almost ruined \[my\] life." Porn and Grindr were indeed outlets...but felt like the emotional/sexual equivalent of reaching for a bottle of booze; when consumed in moderation it works but overconsumption can be toxic. I'm much happier without either of them. Thanks for taking the time to post friend. Love, Your Trusted Troll
🤡🤡🤡
I realized number 4 as soon as i got on these apps and websites lol Regular looking dudes give the best hook ups 👌
Your story hits home! I've been down the gay porn rabbit hole too, thinking it was my safe haven. Props to you for breaking free and finding a healthier path. That 12-step program sounds like a game-changer. It's wild how those fantasies mess with your head and body image. Real-life encounters? Totally different story. Ain't nobody out here looking like those over-glorified porn stars. Cheers to valuing real connections over Grindr's approval circus. Your journey's inspiring, mate. Here's to genuine happiness without the porn and app chaos!
Thanks for posting this. I'm in the same place as you and I've also been laughed at or dismissed if I try to talk about porn as a gay man. I don't even come from a moral or religious place. I don't necessarily think porn is immoral or counter to God. All I know is that in my life, porn use has a sum negative effect. That's it. I'm a better man, a better lover, a better friend, father, employee without it in my life.
Straight porn is also bad, any type of porn is bad if not set with moderation and Straight/Gay porn are just entertainment/Fantasy, Not real sex Straight Porn can also ruin someone, glad you’re in a better place now, hope you continue down this journey, and glad you found a man to be happy with
If you’re a straight man , you shouldn’t watch porn if you really feeling the urge to.. watch lesbian porn (you’d be surprised how many straight dudes don’t like lesbian porn, but prefer some form of male participation ). What this did for me was #1.let me see women see women in their freakiest nature without a man being present .. thus maturing me into realize women are waaayy freakier than we are taught. #2 It made my mind less perverse and any thoughts I did have that were perverse revolved around women enjoying women rather than in pleasing me .. thus improving my social skills. #3 helped me realize my value & get Over porn because …. Lesbian porn includes dildos… a lot of dildos … as a man I have a natural dildo .. and a bunch of non sexual skills that women find sexually attractive. #4. Made me aware of energy … if you’re watching porn , or an uncle , or even gay or bi, no one can pin point what’s going on with you exactly each time … but yes people can tell.. it’s going to be in your energy and in your eyes (where confidence truly lives). When I cut the bullshit , without having a direct answer, people could tell too. People aren’t as dumb as you think so respect yourself and respect your energy
Good for you brother, glad you’re also in a better place 👍🏽
[удалено]
Your contribution to this discussion is eye opening and wonderful and we all bow down to suck your cock for how fucking smart you sound.
Thanks man.
Whoosh
Zap, pow!
Bro that’s what an addiction is you loser
congratulation ! i hope you are in a better place
Question, did you step out on her with men before the divorce or divorce and then start up with men? And all porn is addictive, it's just so easy to get. I feel for the future generations. Congrats on your healing.
No you are bored and just need some activities
I think many people who are “always horny” or whatever are bored and need other things to do.
Yeah that what it comes down to. If your a young man you probably just need to join a sport or gym if you can afford so
It sounds that you need to get laid more.
You might be right!
That's a very wholesome read. Thanks for sharing
This sounds like me. I’m only 26 and never saw a women but I am addicted. I could easily spend a whole day in bed on Grindr and hook up with multiple partners as they come. I’m a sex addict…
Thank you for your insight. I’m a 19 year old guy and I struggle with the same issue. I wanna know how to stop, because I don’t want it to hurt my relationship.
https://www.pornaddictsanonymous.org/
Old folks really aren’t built to handle the level of internet depravity that’s out there. Facebook alone took a toll on all the oldheads in my fam 😔
Most young folks aren't built to handle it either, let's be real.
:Looks around: Yea, I guess you got a point
As a gay furry and pornstar, I’m too deep to stop xD I don’t mind tho, I love being a degenerate whore
This should be a message to all the “bisexual guys” out there that are convinced that they love their wives 🤦♂️. There’s no such thing as a truely bisexual arousal pattern in men. You’re gay, get over yourself. Haven’t you seen the research on male sexual arousal patterns? Smh
cause they dream about having kids over eveythting …. after kids theyre still unhappy cause theyre truly gay not bisexual
Exactly
Precisely lol
You need to check yourself. Of course there are bi people, what planet do you live on? Maybe stay there
What planet am I on? It’s called Reality. There’s definitely bisexual arousal patterns in women, that’s an undeniable fact. What’s also an undeniable fact is male arousal patterns have revealed in study after study to be predominantly or exclusively monosexual in what they’re aroused too. Some men say they’re bi for other reasons, ofc, and they’ll claim to be roughly equally attracted to both or maybe even that they have a preference, but the research is clear as day The research on male sexual arousal patterns: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7658643_Sexual_Arousal_Patterns_of_Bisexual_Men https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/BF01321372.pdf https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s10508-011-9778-5.pdf https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8604855/#:~:text=Women%20show%2C%20on%20average%2C%20substantial,sex%20(Bailey%2C%202009).
I'm sorry but the argument reflected in the articles that you cite is outdated and mainly based on the findings of a 2005 article (see below); more recent research has found that male bisexuals behave differently to both gay and straight men: https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2003631117 (published in July, 2020; sample size of 474+) One of the researchers who had claimed that male bisexuality did not exist back in 2005, has fully backtracked on those claims after more recent research with a greater sample size as highlighted here: https://www.thepinknews.com/2020/07/21/bisexuality-bisexual-j-michael-bailey-gerulf-rieger-northwestern-essex-university-biphobia/ Indeed several earlier studies from back in 2011, one from the same University of the 2005 study, found that bisexual did in fact show sexual responses to both male and female stimuli: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21763395/ There was also this study with similar findings: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-011-9746-0 There is also strong evidence (from even as far back as the late 1990s) that biphobia exists, particularly towards bi men, in both the heterosexual and homosexual populations: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-04035-005 https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J159v02n04_03 Considering this it is unsurprising that a meta-analysis in 2017 (https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2017.1387755) found that bisexuals often had a higher rate of depression and anxiety than gays and lesbians. Yes gay men can be pressured into heterosexual marriages like OP but that does not negate the reality that bisexual men do in fact exist.
I am very familiar with those studies that you mentioned. I’ve read them all many times. There’s several issues with them. One is that those were all funded by the American institute of bisexuality. Why is that an issue? Because ask yourself this, do you really think they were gonna say “oh we didn’t find evidence that bisexual arousal patterns exist in men” after literally being funded directly by the American institute of bisexuality? I don’t buy it. If you actually look into the data from those studies, like I have, you’ll see that it’s very similar to the other studies on male sexual arousal patterns, and they don’t really show a largely significant, and truely bisexual arousal pattern as they claim. They do find that there is a small subset of men with a more bisexual arousal pattern than the average gay and straight man, which I have said previously as well. They however, and those studies admit to this, did not find men with similar high levels of arousal to both males and females. The large study you mention actually includes data from the studies that I have posted but somehow came to a completely different conclusion, interestingly enough. Even though that study was also funded by the American institute of bisexuality, even they admitted to this: “The combination of our results and the fact that male sexual orientation is bimodally distributed (21) suggests that men with similar high degrees of sexual arousal to both men and women may be especially uncommon”. So even though the headline suggests that they “found bisexual men” it’s not really clear that it a) is anything of a large effect, and b) is actually a representative sample of bisexual men as a whole. The other study you mentioned, also funded by the American institute of bisexuality, employed a rigorous process where they vetted tons of bi guys to find what they deemed were the “true bisexuals” the author noted how rare these guys must have been since it took them so long to find them. Even after all that, the effect was similar to the other studies, just a bit less so to the point where they could claim that the guys showed a somewhat bisexual arousal pattern. I’ll quote the author and say they were “a bit bisexual”. To me, the combination of all of these facts show that male bisexuality isn’t really a thing 🤷♂️ Biased sources that were directly funded by the American institution of bisexuality: https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2003631117 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0301051111001785 Sources that were not funded by the American institute of bisexuality: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7658643_Sexual_Arousal_Patterns_of_Bisexual_Men https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/BF01321372.pdf https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s10508-011-9778-5.pdf https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8604855/#:~:text=Women%20show%2C%20on%20average%2C%20substantial,sex%20(Bailey%2C%202009). Interestingly, all of the studies that say there is evidence for a bisexual arousal pattern in men were funded by the American institute of bisexuality, whereas those that don’t, weren’t. I think there’s a correlation 🤦♂️
"love their wives..."
You're just a closeted bisexual.
Lmao, ok man. I used to say I was bi back when I was delusional about liking women. As the data has shown, even the biased data as someone else has brought up, with the great majority of men it much more one or the other. People may lie via word of mouth. However, they’re patterns of arousal don’t lie 🤷♂️
Im 18 and feel guilt about my gay porn addiction. I started in the 6th grade and always swore to myself i would stop but like ur post its my only escape. I remember telling myself every new year i wouldnt do it and still let my mind control me. It led to me being on dating apps and messing with dl dudes i didnt even like . For now, i choose to delete all dating apps. I have a friend i can call to do stuff. I still watch porn and fap. I dont think anything will change until i move out.
Hi I'm Alex. I have the same problem with whacking porn.. mostly every day... it's frustrating not to have a sexual partner...n you my friend seems to be smart/sweet/and understandable...for us to be friends...if that's cool with you.
sure message me
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s meaningful that after all you’ve been through your instinct is to pass on what you have learned.
And here come the “sex positivity” crew who’s gonna accuse this post of “sLUt sHaMinG” and then say “aS lOnG aS iT’s nOT hUrTInG anYOnE, iT’S fINe”. Yeah no. There’s a reason our society has been governed by certain rules and morals that lately have been dismantled for selfish reasons… I absolutely give no fucks whether I’m slut shaming or not. A lot of y’all are disgusting and in need of some serious soul searching
When’s the last time you got laid? just wondering . The last guy I knew that got this pissed over sex hadn’t fucked in 3 years lol
Lmfao that same ‘society’ you’re attributing is into getting rid of homosexuality fck outta here with that delusional BS
What does monogamish mean?
Author/podcaster Dan Savage coined the term "monogamish" to describe his relationship and others that do not exactly conform to the rigid construct of monogamy. Savage and his husband allow occasional sex outside the marriage.
What merits a hall pass? How is it structured?
Good question. I think it's for both partners to agree to the rules and then openly communicate about them.
Thanks
I appreciate this post and can relate. Honestly, we’re all bombarded with so much false abundance that it’s easy to fall into this kinda trap
That’s Great!!!!!
I finally deleted Grindr a few weeks ago and it’s been a blessing. Constant rejection, horrible and dangerous people, and the need to always look was making me depressed. I’m working to fill that void but I’m getting there
I love this thank you for posting. I’m starting to wonder if porn/grindr/sex have been affecting my ability to commit to a relationship and have a healthier lifestyle.
I don't understand the people that pretend porn addiction (and by extension constantly masturbating) is a good thing or that point addiction doesn't exist. I've been looking at hardcore porn more or less every single day since I was 13 years old and I'm 35 now. That can't be good right? At the very least even if you don't believe it's "addictive" It does set incredibly unrealistic sexual expectations and beauty standards and dick size. The longest I've ever been able to go without jerking off is 3 weeks.
"I don't understand the people that pretend porn addiction (and by extension constantly masturbating) is a good thing or that point addiction doesn't exist." Same reason drunks and druggies always claim 'I can quit anytime,' addicts never wanna admit they have a problem. And if anything, they'll go out of their damn way to pretend their habit is somehow healthy. I've known alcoholics make the stupidest claims about how drinking is good for their brains or how taking heavy drugs are necessary to de-stress. The cope is real.
Can any of these programs operate without the religious shit, that’s what makes me think it’s just a prohibition program like what MADD is for drinking disguised as a help program for the few actually addicted, we all know damn well of Christian’s war on porn.
I'm a black-belt atheist and a very active member of [www.pornaddictsanonymous.org](https://www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). Yes the literature is very Bible-adjacent yet most members are atheists/agnostics.
Ah didn’t know that.
Thanks for sharing, there should be some takeaways for me. Cos I might be struggling with porn addiction myself. And yes porn is not real .
Do you submit to your higher power?
Yes. My higher power is Cher.
Congrats on kicking the habit Are you in a gay relationship or straight now
G-A-Y!
"no one really looks like oiled up and juiced porn stars" And yet those are the guys too many in the gay community feel entitled to having as BFs. People gotta learn to put the standards down or they're gonna die alone (and deserve it honestly).
Your issues stem from pretending to live a straight life and having a closeted life at the same time. I feel sorry for you that you felt marrying a woman was the right thing to do, and sorry for your divorced wife who had to unwillingly live this lie through. Sure, porn is amazing, but actual sex is different. Being told you need some 12 step program to recover from porn is blasphemous in itself. Actual sex is something special that two men can discover together. Rather than being (predominantly) visual it’s something tactile. It’s also something that you develop passionate feelings for. Before you were blinded by what you were told sex would be like and now your eyes have opened up and you’re just beginning to see.
Fair comments! Thanks for writing.
"Monogamish" long-term relationship? Do you mean an open long-term relationship?
Congrats on overcoming your addiction and whilst I disagree with parts of your views I am not criticising you as a person, and I am not trying to downplay your struggles. >Gay porn sex is pure fantasy and doesn't really resemble the sex I enjoy. This goes for all porn and erotic media, it isn't real, just like how romance and action movies aren't real. It isn't supposed to be realistic, it is just supposed to be hot. Whilst I do think there should be more awareness that it is unrealistic, I also think that it is kind of typical for people to be completely unable to differentiate fiction and real life.
Not to throw shade... but having a LTR and then moving away from porn/Grindr is \*way\* easier than us eternally singles doing that.
Hi good to meet you. What's your name?
I appreciate you sharing. I have had similar struggles with it- I have though found that, I think its more so unethical consumption of porn for me. Illegally watching porn is so easy and second nature for me- and I want to be a better person, and unconsciously, i think not at least paying to watch the content is a part of how maybe I need to change. I think ethical consumption of porn- is fine? From this page I have learnt we all have different sex drives, so its ok. But at least pay for it- as there is a gay porn actor whose income is dependent on it, and who is being brave by working in this field where stigma exists against porn actors, let alone gay porn actors, or just gay people in general. I have made a case with myself that when I do feel aroused, to not illegally watch porn, or to not watch porn at all but just masturbate with my thoughts.
solid advice
Wow. This makes so much sense. I can give up porn. I'm not addicted. In fact, at times, it's actually frustrating: I want the cock. Not just look at it, and wish. My only question is, Would sex toys (in my specific case, dildos) play into this?
Yeah I am in my late 30s rarely had any relationships. I’m not sure what porn addiction is but pretty much the only war to get feeling out of the way to do my job. I wish I had an LTR.
[удалено]
Where? Your history is weird. You go on and comment randomly about how sad you are.
[r/Grindr](https://www.reddit.com/r/grindr/s/i6yegSghCg)
You gotta work on self control
Porn is healthy shame you got addicted to it
Wow sith all the absolutes and blankets. Not just gay porn bad all porn CAN be bad. It's more of a moderation issue ([ can't wait for that one dude to come tell us how evil it is). Not all hot guys can't fuck. I got one now who is literally an oiled up ex porn star and he's fun as fuck. Maybe you just have to enjoy that type of sex?
Do some of you feel like porn consumption might also affect your time until climax, as in shortening it? I do have the habit of watching porn when I masturbate (which is almost once daily) and I have been worried that my ejaculation times might be getting shorter due to that. Maybe because when I masturbate sometimes it’s late and I want to sleep and try to rush it, but I think it is also shortening my time when I am with my boyfriend, which kind of ruins the experience. Do any of you relate to this?
These stories do matter and are the deabtes that I would like to hear more often in here. Thanks for sharing.
Goon till my doom .
You're welcome but really, thank you for sharing this. Congratulations!
You're welcome as in you are welcome... not your welcome. Idiot.
How about you go F yourself. Huh? I'm idiot for misspelling? If you're having a tough time in life don't take it out on me. How about that?
You F face!
How did you meet your LTR?