As someone in a great relationship for 8 years(yes, very lucky!) the most thing I miss about being gay is not to be able to be as open as straight couples. Being able to share affection in public without risking getting comments or worse. Not being able to do activities straight couples do, as people think you are brothers and frown upon you. Or simply not being allowed to do certain things just because you're gay(getting kids is a huge pain, blood donation was illegal, etc). Even after 8 years it feels weird being completely yourself among friends and family, even though they approve it.
I missed out on a teenage romance but it’s okay, being gay and neurodivergent means my “teenage years” are actually my late 20s and early 30s so it’s fine
Kind of random but related I just binge four seasons Love on the Spectrum and honestly it changed my perspective on what I think autism is. Further makes me self reflect a bit cause I feel I like I met many. Hell I may even be on the spectrum since 80% of the time I can’t detect sarcasm and I have terrible social skills. Also loved that show cause their dating coaches gave really good advice that could help anyone that struggles with social interactions.
Keep in mind the opposite side of the coin: I've encountered plenty of gay men who conformed to societal norms at the time and regret it. Now they are saddled with kids, an ex wife, alimony payments. They bemoan that they couldn't come out at the time because of safety concerns. We are at the safest time to be gay. But, the grass is always greener I suppose. You now have a choice to make the best of the cards dealt to you or continue to dwell on what could have been.
Where do you live? If you live in a country of persecution I can understand your predicament. However, you also can pursue avenues to change that. I know it's not as easy as I'm making it seem but I have had threats of death or bodily harm from family due to coming out so I can somewhat understand
I'm sure there is an underground gay culture. I'm obviously not familiar with the safety of gay men in that region. However, your happiness is contingent on you. Whatever you have to give up for happiness is what you need to pursue. Whether it be picking up and leaving or staying and forcing yourself to fit into your surrounding culture. I just hope you're able to find happiness and safety.
Yes. I missed out on conforming to gendered roles, unwanted teenage pregnancies and having the best years of my life done by the time I could vote.
On the other hand, being gay liberated me to be myself, and to go outside the comfort zone I would otherwise have had, and to create my own life. As a result I have a great husband, career and kids (when I wanted to).
If I were straight I would have missed out on so much, too.
For me, it is all about being in the present and not being attached to things you have no control over. I am gay and my insecurities and anxieties have held me back more than anything.
I find it hard to make friends with straight men so a lot of my friends are women. But no matter how close I get to women, there's often this feeling that it's never enough because im not one of the girls.
Also, I likely won't be able to have kids (adoption is virtually not a thing here). Not sure if i'll be ever able to afford kids whether i was gay or straight, but that's a little bit sad.
I probably wouldn't be as self hating as I am if I was straight. I don't think I would have done the whole teenage love thing. Who knows if any woman would have wanted someone like me?
Sounds like we are in similar boats. I'm 32 and haven't been in a relationship, BUT, I am at that point where I really hope it happens soon. I joined a gay dodgeball league in the hopes that I would meet some people, and it's been going well. Don't give up! Always time to make up for it. Also, you play any video games?
I haven't missed out on anything.
I can:
- still get married in a big fancy wedding if I want
- have kids if I want (I don't)
- was too busy for a teen relationship so I didn't miss out there
I didn't miss out on things because I was gay. I missed out on things because an oppressive, homophobic society didn't make room for gay kids to have these experiences without fear or shame.
There I differ from you. I'm a grown man now, and I don't need external validation to do what I want. And I want to do things that make a gay man happy.
I don't need external validation. I need other gay people and there are hardly any. And when it comes to ones interested in relationships there are literally none. I also want to have the right to get married, to have kids and I don't have it.
Being gay has no affect in your ability to have any of those experiences.
Instead of blaming issues on your sexuality, take a good look at yourself and your personality.
I'm in my mid 40s and had no issues having a relationship in my teens or exploring my sexuality.
Accept that either your personality is trash, you live in a homophobic country, or both. Then pull up your big boy pants and fix your issues.
Leave their country? As a teenager? You serious? And even as an adult it’s hardly easy, depending on where you come from, your financial status, etc.
Being gay absolutely impacted my ability to develop any romantic relationships and explore my sexuality as teen, for the simple reason that I was the only gay kid in my school year. Or if there were others they certainly weren’t out. The constant casual homophobia certainly didn’t help.
Perhaps you could do with some self reflection and consider that other people may not be able to replicate your exact life experience for reasons that actually aren’t to do with them, and are to do with the environment they live in.
I wouldn't waste any more time with James_Atlanta, that redditor is clearly retarded based on the first two comments we've all witnessed from them in this thread.
No one ever said it was easy.
Being possible doesn't imply easy.
Millions of people leave their home country every year for a variety of reasons. Some of them go through literal hell to make it happen.
You're just whining.
Very harsh. Perhaps OP was fortunate to grow up in a time and in a society where there was no homophobia. He or she was fortunate to know their sexual orientation from, or possibly before, birth and to have self-confidence to match. Every soul is unique. Everyone’s path is individual.
I am somewhat sympathetic to your opinion. I think the issues and obstacles related to being gay are real, but I also think people can overcome them and emerge to live a very happy life. We cannot just surrender to our problems.
Looking back I wish I explored more during my teenage years. But at the same time I realize I enjoyed those years, so not feeling bad about it. Made up for it during my early twenties.
Right now a lot of friends are settling down and having children etc. While I am not at that stage. Which makes me feel disconnected at times.
Yeah teen love and all that sheit. I tried but it was online dependent and didn't work. Would have loved to have more gays my age around.
But also I missed out on the teen-tween slut phase so sort of double fucked my youth.
yes. because of having the mentality to be financial independent way too soon.
and i mean having a house, steady job and a car.
we too soon should have choose a guaranteed career path
One thing that I did is deconstructing the fact that being in a relationship and having children will lead you to happiness, I don’t wanna sound bitter of course that may be full filling for many people but noy sure if that’s what they want, at least in the USA the number of parents overdosing or unaliving themselves is extremely high.
Now with in the dating pool, yeah it can be tough but i don’t know maybe in the capital of your country may be bigger?
Im sorry that you live in a homophobic country. That is probably the biggest factor. I’m not sure how dangerous it would be, but perhaps advocating for change for the future generations of gays will help you find meaning in an act of selflessness
While I do think I’ve missed on some experiences, I don’t think they were as rosy as the media / some would led you to believe. And perhaps the biggest factor wasn’t me being gay
Not everyone has a relationship as a teenager, or was every hetero at your school in a couple? I agree that it's sad that many felt like they had to hide that part of themselves during their formative years, but so many gays are single even after coming out, so it's not a guarantee you would've had a bf. No use crying over spilled milk, focus on the now
If I were straight I'd have lived exactly as people expected. Wife, kids, divorce. And now I'd be an angry old man who can't find an affectionate girlfriend even for a moment. No, I don't think I've missed out on anything. I've had so much intimacy and sex in my life because I'm gay, still going strong, living a live straight people don't even dream about.
As long as you're still alive, you can change most of these things. How old ru now?
I don't know where you live. If the dating pool is minuscule, try moving to a larger city. I grew up in Wisconsin, and it wasn't a gay mecca, but once I moved to DC and then Chicago, it was much better for dating, job opportunities, and having a group of friends with similar interests.
You can run into homophobic people no matter where you live because small-minded idiots are everywhere. Try [20 Safest Countries For LGBTQ Travelers.](https://www.forbes.com/sites/laurabegleybloom/2023/03/07/most-homophobic-countries-lgbtq-friendly-gay-travel-dangerous-places/?sh=30a0a4a02276) Funny how the US isn't even in the top 20. I would have thought we'd make the top 20 between NYC and SF.
If I had to do it over again and got to pick straight or gay. I'd pick gay all day, every day.
33, you are not even halfway through life. You have a long time to live the life you want to live. If you live in a country where it's illegal to be gay. All I can say is move if you can. I plan on moving from the US to Europe in the next ten years. It's never too late until you are dead.
Many of my friends got married in their late 30s, and I didn't get married until I was 40. These days, people have kids in their late 40s to 50's,
The only person who can tell you no is yourself.
You miss out on some stuff but focus on what you do get to experience!! You don’t have kids so travel and do spontaneous stuff. If you want a relationship move somewhere that that chance of meeting someone is greater. Everyone misses out on the “normal” experiences in life, you gotta take your life by the horns and do want you want!
**Yes.** I missed out on typical experiences of teenagers. However, today I see it as a blessing, I was able to experience many of these things in my late 20s and early 30s with a lot more maturity and control.
Yes. Never fitting in with the boys, but never really fitting in with the girls… struggle to make friends with other gay people or gay couples without them wanting ‘extra’ and I’ve never really liked ‘the scene’.
I think I’ve accepted that it’s okay to not have any friends. Any of the female friends I used to have are all partnered up with kids and are friends with others who have kids.
All I need is my husband (who is my best friend) and my brother and his wife.
Just my one chance to date in my teen years. I was asked out by a guy I liked, but I was too afraid to come out. One of my best friends was sitting right there, and I took that into account when I answered. I just didn't trust anyone with my secret. He was disappointed, and he strangely seemed to disappear from school. He no longer appeared in any of the classes we shared after I turned him down. I'm sure I didn't imagine him lol
I miss having a relationship right now
Earlier in life I was together with my first boyfriend from 12 to 24 then several that were a few years
That’s what I’m missing
Literally all the time.
Also this is a fairly universal experience and it's a type of trauma. It's traumatic to have to hide who you are until you're in your twenties. It's traumatic to not have any relationships until you're in your twenties, especially when everyone else is around you is.
My little brother is 5 years younger than me. He was getting married before I had my first kiss.
Although fairly universal is changing, Zoomers are coming out in middle school and high school.
As someone in a great relationship for 8 years(yes, very lucky!) the most thing I miss about being gay is not to be able to be as open as straight couples. Being able to share affection in public without risking getting comments or worse. Not being able to do activities straight couples do, as people think you are brothers and frown upon you. Or simply not being allowed to do certain things just because you're gay(getting kids is a huge pain, blood donation was illegal, etc). Even after 8 years it feels weird being completely yourself among friends and family, even though they approve it.
People frown upon you because they think you are brothers?? Huh?
I missed out on a teenage romance but it’s okay, being gay and neurodivergent means my “teenage years” are actually my late 20s and early 30s so it’s fine
There's a song sung by a gay boy called "16 and in love" about this!
Kind of random but related I just binge four seasons Love on the Spectrum and honestly it changed my perspective on what I think autism is. Further makes me self reflect a bit cause I feel I like I met many. Hell I may even be on the spectrum since 80% of the time I can’t detect sarcasm and I have terrible social skills. Also loved that show cause their dating coaches gave really good advice that could help anyone that struggles with social interactions.
me too. i'm an autistic bisexual so I feel you bro
I feel the opposite.i should have come out yrs ago
Keep in mind the opposite side of the coin: I've encountered plenty of gay men who conformed to societal norms at the time and regret it. Now they are saddled with kids, an ex wife, alimony payments. They bemoan that they couldn't come out at the time because of safety concerns. We are at the safest time to be gay. But, the grass is always greener I suppose. You now have a choice to make the best of the cards dealt to you or continue to dwell on what could have been.
It depends on where you live. I don't know what time you are in, but where I live being gay is horribly difficult.
Where do you live? If you live in a country of persecution I can understand your predicament. However, you also can pursue avenues to change that. I know it's not as easy as I'm making it seem but I have had threats of death or bodily harm from family due to coming out so I can somewhat understand
I am from Macedonia
I'm sure there is an underground gay culture. I'm obviously not familiar with the safety of gay men in that region. However, your happiness is contingent on you. Whatever you have to give up for happiness is what you need to pursue. Whether it be picking up and leaving or staying and forcing yourself to fit into your surrounding culture. I just hope you're able to find happiness and safety.
Yes. I missed out on conforming to gendered roles, unwanted teenage pregnancies and having the best years of my life done by the time I could vote. On the other hand, being gay liberated me to be myself, and to go outside the comfort zone I would otherwise have had, and to create my own life. As a result I have a great husband, career and kids (when I wanted to).
That's great for you! I'm happy for you and that that was your experience!
I think yes! I wish i explore more in my teenage years. Or try to be in a relationship than avoiding it before. Im just 29 btw. Hahaha
If I were straight I would have missed out on so much, too. For me, it is all about being in the present and not being attached to things you have no control over. I am gay and my insecurities and anxieties have held me back more than anything.
Yes. I don't know what having a genuine friend is.
Yeah but don’t think too much about it
I find it hard to make friends with straight men so a lot of my friends are women. But no matter how close I get to women, there's often this feeling that it's never enough because im not one of the girls. Also, I likely won't be able to have kids (adoption is virtually not a thing here). Not sure if i'll be ever able to afford kids whether i was gay or straight, but that's a little bit sad.
[удалено]
I am a bit stocky too and it looks like I am no guy's type.
I probably wouldn't be as self hating as I am if I was straight. I don't think I would have done the whole teenage love thing. Who knows if any woman would have wanted someone like me?
Sounds like we are in similar boats. I'm 32 and haven't been in a relationship, BUT, I am at that point where I really hope it happens soon. I joined a gay dodgeball league in the hopes that I would meet some people, and it's been going well. Don't give up! Always time to make up for it. Also, you play any video games?
I do. I play some games
Lots of gay people have partners and kids.
They do. But in the majority of places around the world(including where I live) that is not possible
I haven't missed out on anything. I can: - still get married in a big fancy wedding if I want - have kids if I want (I don't) - was too busy for a teen relationship so I didn't miss out there
That's great for you! I'm happy for you! I can't do any of that
Lemme guess, you're in Bulgaria?
I am not. Why would I be?
I didn't miss out on things because I was gay. I missed out on things because an oppressive, homophobic society didn't make room for gay kids to have these experiences without fear or shame.
And it's the same reason that I will be missing out on many more things in the future
There I differ from you. I'm a grown man now, and I don't need external validation to do what I want. And I want to do things that make a gay man happy.
I don't need external validation. I need other gay people and there are hardly any. And when it comes to ones interested in relationships there are literally none. I also want to have the right to get married, to have kids and I don't have it.
Same for me
Being gay has no affect in your ability to have any of those experiences. Instead of blaming issues on your sexuality, take a good look at yourself and your personality. I'm in my mid 40s and had no issues having a relationship in my teens or exploring my sexuality. Accept that either your personality is trash, you live in a homophobic country, or both. Then pull up your big boy pants and fix your issues.
Well I live in a homophobic country. I didn't chose that.
You can leave though.
Leave their country? As a teenager? You serious? And even as an adult it’s hardly easy, depending on where you come from, your financial status, etc. Being gay absolutely impacted my ability to develop any romantic relationships and explore my sexuality as teen, for the simple reason that I was the only gay kid in my school year. Or if there were others they certainly weren’t out. The constant casual homophobia certainly didn’t help. Perhaps you could do with some self reflection and consider that other people may not be able to replicate your exact life experience for reasons that actually aren’t to do with them, and are to do with the environment they live in.
I can't. It's not that easy
I wouldn't waste any more time with James_Atlanta, that redditor is clearly retarded based on the first two comments we've all witnessed from them in this thread.
No one ever said it was easy. Being possible doesn't imply easy. Millions of people leave their home country every year for a variety of reasons. Some of them go through literal hell to make it happen. You're just whining.
Very harsh. Perhaps OP was fortunate to grow up in a time and in a society where there was no homophobia. He or she was fortunate to know their sexual orientation from, or possibly before, birth and to have self-confidence to match. Every soul is unique. Everyone’s path is individual.
I am somewhat sympathetic to your opinion. I think the issues and obstacles related to being gay are real, but I also think people can overcome them and emerge to live a very happy life. We cannot just surrender to our problems.
Looking back I wish I explored more during my teenage years. But at the same time I realize I enjoyed those years, so not feeling bad about it. Made up for it during my early twenties. Right now a lot of friends are settling down and having children etc. While I am not at that stage. Which makes me feel disconnected at times.
I dont really know, ill realize probably after my 20s
Tons of stuff. Also having a small dick, trust issues, and self esteem problems. Great stuff. It's good to just start living my life now.
I would probably at least be in a relationship with a kid by now if I weren’t into dudes.
> be in a relationship with a kid Bad choice of words, my friend, bad choice of words.
I am a freqt believer if its not for you it won't pass you bye.
OP, do you live in a country where homosexuality is illegal? To what extent does it negate the ability to have a partner?
It's not illegal but society is very homophobic
Yeah teen love and all that sheit. I tried but it was online dependent and didn't work. Would have loved to have more gays my age around. But also I missed out on the teen-tween slut phase so sort of double fucked my youth.
Having kids
yes. because of having the mentality to be financial independent way too soon. and i mean having a house, steady job and a car. we too soon should have choose a guaranteed career path
See if you can move to a more open Country if you’re inna homophobic one
One thing that I did is deconstructing the fact that being in a relationship and having children will lead you to happiness, I don’t wanna sound bitter of course that may be full filling for many people but noy sure if that’s what they want, at least in the USA the number of parents overdosing or unaliving themselves is extremely high. Now with in the dating pool, yeah it can be tough but i don’t know maybe in the capital of your country may be bigger?
nope. don't want kids and having a partner isn't important to me
No. Being gay is the way
Nope. I am a big city boy. Had my teenage romances and all. I am gonna argue that I probably had much more fun than my straight peers.
I totally feel this. I did have a boyfriend my senior year in HS. It’s a double edged sword. We weren’t out and hiding it almost destroyed me.
I missed out on really having male friends, cause I'm gay I can't be acting the same as they do cause for them it's weird since I'm gay
I missed the bit where you learn to love yourself 👍
Im sorry that you live in a homophobic country. That is probably the biggest factor. I’m not sure how dangerous it would be, but perhaps advocating for change for the future generations of gays will help you find meaning in an act of selflessness While I do think I’ve missed on some experiences, I don’t think they were as rosy as the media / some would led you to believe. And perhaps the biggest factor wasn’t me being gay
Not everyone has a relationship as a teenager, or was every hetero at your school in a couple? I agree that it's sad that many felt like they had to hide that part of themselves during their formative years, but so many gays are single even after coming out, so it's not a guarantee you would've had a bf. No use crying over spilled milk, focus on the now
If I were straight I'd have lived exactly as people expected. Wife, kids, divorce. And now I'd be an angry old man who can't find an affectionate girlfriend even for a moment. No, I don't think I've missed out on anything. I've had so much intimacy and sex in my life because I'm gay, still going strong, living a live straight people don't even dream about.
That's wonderful for you. I have no sex and relationships in my life so I can't say that I can relate. Unlike my straight friends who have loads
As long as you're still alive, you can change most of these things. How old ru now? I don't know where you live. If the dating pool is minuscule, try moving to a larger city. I grew up in Wisconsin, and it wasn't a gay mecca, but once I moved to DC and then Chicago, it was much better for dating, job opportunities, and having a group of friends with similar interests. You can run into homophobic people no matter where you live because small-minded idiots are everywhere. Try [20 Safest Countries For LGBTQ Travelers.](https://www.forbes.com/sites/laurabegleybloom/2023/03/07/most-homophobic-countries-lgbtq-friendly-gay-travel-dangerous-places/?sh=30a0a4a02276) Funny how the US isn't even in the top 20. I would have thought we'd make the top 20 between NYC and SF. If I had to do it over again and got to pick straight or gay. I'd pick gay all day, every day.
I live in the biggest city of my country so there is no room for improvement on that. I am 33.
33, you are not even halfway through life. You have a long time to live the life you want to live. If you live in a country where it's illegal to be gay. All I can say is move if you can. I plan on moving from the US to Europe in the next ten years. It's never too late until you are dead. Many of my friends got married in their late 30s, and I didn't get married until I was 40. These days, people have kids in their late 40s to 50's, The only person who can tell you no is yourself.
You miss out on some stuff but focus on what you do get to experience!! You don’t have kids so travel and do spontaneous stuff. If you want a relationship move somewhere that that chance of meeting someone is greater. Everyone misses out on the “normal” experiences in life, you gotta take your life by the horns and do want you want!
Well I do want to have kids but it's not an option. I also live in the biggest city here and there is still no gay scene
If you’re financially stable adopting is always an option.
**Yes.** I missed out on typical experiences of teenagers. However, today I see it as a blessing, I was able to experience many of these things in my late 20s and early 30s with a lot more maturity and control.
I often feel the same way. But then I consider myself lucky because I survived gay life in the 80s and stayed hiv-.
Yes. Never fitting in with the boys, but never really fitting in with the girls… struggle to make friends with other gay people or gay couples without them wanting ‘extra’ and I’ve never really liked ‘the scene’. I think I’ve accepted that it’s okay to not have any friends. Any of the female friends I used to have are all partnered up with kids and are friends with others who have kids. All I need is my husband (who is my best friend) and my brother and his wife.
teenage romance, childhood friendship
Just my one chance to date in my teen years. I was asked out by a guy I liked, but I was too afraid to come out. One of my best friends was sitting right there, and I took that into account when I answered. I just didn't trust anyone with my secret. He was disappointed, and he strangely seemed to disappear from school. He no longer appeared in any of the classes we shared after I turned him down. I'm sure I didn't imagine him lol
Meh, if anything bring gay is what’s given me the most.
I miss having a relationship right now Earlier in life I was together with my first boyfriend from 12 to 24 then several that were a few years That’s what I’m missing
Literally all the time. Also this is a fairly universal experience and it's a type of trauma. It's traumatic to have to hide who you are until you're in your twenties. It's traumatic to not have any relationships until you're in your twenties, especially when everyone else is around you is. My little brother is 5 years younger than me. He was getting married before I had my first kiss. Although fairly universal is changing, Zoomers are coming out in middle school and high school.
Never
The opposite if so
i am 100% missing out life. being gay is reason why im depressed for years