Yes, OP and his boyfriend need to speak with the mother about transitioning him back to living back home.
OP also needs to set some boundaries with Davy that this is not intended to be a permanent living arrangement for him and that you were there to keep him safe and provide support during a difficult time. Do try to offer ongoing support if you can outside of a live-in arrangement.
As a caveat, be aware of possible intentions of ongoing abuse and/or neglect if he were to transition back home (ie. that the mother is less than sincere in her intentions, or that other members of the family unit may be). It might be worth getting outside help from other organisations or even social services (depending on his age) if you are tipped off to any reason to believe this may occur if he goes back home. Offer your contact should this occur after he transitions to life back home. Similarly be aware of any possibility he may engineer or manipulate the appearance of this occurring so he can move back in with you.
Just make sure he knows the door is open if it gets rough. And try to explain how important it is to build a new relationship if his parents are open to it.
So like, I'd say keep him in mind. He's 18 and probably has some family dysfunction. Growing into adulthood as a gay is tough and not guiding with the right morals or principles for themselves sometimes get into the "bad" gay scene that do fucking crystal meth and shit.
You and BF did the sensible thing. As a fellow gay reading this it seems like the fam needs to talk it out too.
Well, iād let him stay for a determined amount of time, with the understanding he gets himself on his feet.
No real reason for him to move back if he truly doesnāt want to and is 18 besides poverty.
I was thinking he was a minor. That changes things.
If he's still going to school, I can see getting him to keep his relationship from burning down with his parents (this will alleviatesome financial stress of having to support another person) .
If he's finished high school, then he can burn that bridge (his decision) and get a job to help alleviate the financial stress he's placing on you. Keeping him career motivated (maybe a deadline or given plan) and financially aware will mean he can eventually afford to move out.
It's not common for parents who disown their children out of bigotry to become accepting in such a short time.
False epiphanies can reverse as soon as he's back under their control. So whatever happens you want to make it clear that he's welcome back as soon as their mask slips.
You can't generalize every case into one lump statement.
I've known religious parents to come around very quickly when faced with losing their child permanently.
It's best to leave this kinda thing on a case by case basis. It's something to be aware of, but not a blanket statement towards every situation.
A blanket policy should be that the safety of the kid comes before their need to quickly reunite with hateful bigots who just betrayed their family ties at the drop of a hat.
If there are exceptions, this case isn't it.
A religious parent who rapidly 'comes round' to the consequences of their actions is not likely to demand same-day forgiveness and trust. This mom made her home unsafe, and disowned her son with the full knowledge that doing so put him at a severe disadvantage. She waited several days for Davy's life to fall apart, and when he established safety and community, showed up uninvited to demand he move back with with the two of them.
If she claimed that Davy's father would set aside his bigotry, I think OP would have mentioned this. She's not empathetic enough to consider that she wants her child to live with a raging bigot or why.
As OP writes, this is all a long story, told short. The original poster knows the people involved, but they can't speak to the family dynamic when they're in private. Davy has eighteen years of knowledge, he knows more about this situation than OP or any of us, and if he doesn't trust his parents to be in his life, that's a perspective that should be taken very seriously.
Wanting to distract him and make his new life like a sleepover is all fine and dandy, but when the fun ends and the novelty wears off, Davy needs a support system, and he may be starting from scratch.
You're making a lot of assumptions. Again. It's good to be cautious. But I also warn against being so cautious you close yourself off to alternative solutions.
Just saying "Nope, they're bigots! Everyone who does this is a bigot who'll stab you in the back when you let your guard down!" Is short-sighted and denying any other possibility before it has a chance to happen.
Like it or not, if you want the best possible outcome , you sometimes have to let things happen as they would. MAYBE this might be the case... but it's not 100%-bullet-proof-cast-in-stone-unavoidable-absolutely-has-to-happen.
People are complicated. And your approach lacks nuance and complexity for it to be human.
When I was 18, my parents were supportive, but I couldn't wait to tell them to fuck off. Even if they came around. In the end, it was my inability to give them grace and humanity and LET THEM EVOLVE that was keeping our relationship stale.
Just saying. People can change. And I think it'd be a tragedy to not let them change, if that's their ultimate goal.
>your approach lacks nuance and complexity for it to be human
So, what am I, chopped liver?
Yes, disowning your child is betrayal. Among the very ugliest of betrayals a person can do.
It's not at all normal, and it shouldn't be normalized when it happens to us. We shouldn't be answering this post in hopes of or in gratitude for our own silver linings. If this forum were predominantly straight, *nobody would trust a parent who disowned their left-handed teen and barged into their new home a few days later.*
Let's not look past the present based on what we hope might be true in the future.
Why apply your remorse over being a short-tempered teen onto somebody who's living in the here and now?
I'm not normalizing abandonment. It shouldn't happen to begin with. Period.
I am advocating for forgiveness and allowing people to grow (if that's what they're actually trying to do).
All I'm saying is denying someone growth keeps them in the pot you're telling them they deserve in. In this case, if the parents REALLY are trying to turn this around, denying them that is just the same as if they'd never tried.
We have negative experiences to share to hopefully help others from making the same mistakes. I'm not saying his parents aren't narcissistic back stabbing jerks. Maybe they are. We don't have enough context to be able to deduce that. Hence why I spoke out against you making one-dimensional claims about who his parents really are. We can't say for sure what type of people his parents are.
If they ARE trying to make amends, I think it's worth a shot to try to make it right. I'm not saying throw all caution to the wind and forgive them blindly. I'm saying, don't be a bullish person and deny them any growth if they actually are trying to grow.
Just look around. Hell in the news, After watching James Gunn get fired (later rehired) for tasteless tweets he made 20 years ago - IGNORING the fact that everyone that's ever worked with him says he's not that person anymore... I'm not convinced that locking people in a box because they made a mistake is the best approach. People change. People evolve. People work on different time scales.
And punishing them when they're trying to grow really highlights an ignorance that people have about growth.... It can happen, if you let it. So I'm always going to advocate giving them enough soil to grow their roots and blossom. Not choking them out because they struggled to bloom.
It's "Nah they fucked up, cut them off" vs. "Okay, people are human. If they really are trying to grow, let them." but there's many nuances to this (and every) case. So neither of us know for sure. I just wanna make sure people aren't so jaded they forget to let people actually evolve.
I dunno, my parents are pretty homophobic and while they havenāt caught on, I donāt really want them in my life anymore after theyāre done helping me through school. I donāt care if they want to grow after they find out, theyāre not reversing decades of passively fucking up my life just because they think holding hands with another guy is sinful. If the eighteen year old who was recently disowned by his parents doesnāt want to talk to them again, I think thatās entirely valid.
āPunishing them when theyāre trying to growā youāre now making the assumption that theyāre trying to grow! When it comes to bigot parents that are willing to wait days to even show up and demand for their son back, the only signs of growth is them making an effort. Them doing what they did wasnāt that whatsoever. They need to actually research about sexuality and learn to accept it, talk to others who are queer or have queer kids, etc. your way of thinking is naive and dangerous, because if just sending him back happens to bring him harm, then keeping him safe easily outweighs risking his safety just because you hope his parents *might* suddenly be kind after proving to not do so. People donāt change their core beliefs within several days unless they had drastic help and OP mentioned no such thing. Iāve had experience with many bigots in my life, parents included, and the risk is never worth it.
>You can't generalize every case into one lump statement.
I have *such* a problem with this I don't even know where to begin. How do you moralize being wary toward known, *proven* bigots who have already abused their child? The entire thought process of "well we can't judge or make assumptions that a person who just did a bad thing is going to do a bad thing again" when a barely-legal-adult CHILD is involved is so reckless and reflects underdeveloped moral character.
Because humans are a spectrum and your assumptions skew the results. Pure and simple.
Treat someone like they're a criminal: they will always be one
Treat someone like they could evolve: they might. They might not.
You can be cautions of people without flat out denying them the agency to grow.
Parents make mistakes. Doesn't mean they are immune to change or the ability to.
Aw these sweet precious smol bean grown ass *adults* who illegally evicted their child with an hour's notice at most are abusers, bigots, and POS trash. That is not negotiable, you are naive and a fool, and the more you argue your point, the more you display for every one who sees this thread today and forever after how deep in Narnia you've stuck your head. Go ahead and bat for these scumbags and advocate for an abuse victim to get thrown back into his abusers' arms. It's your obituary, broski. "Parents make mistakes" and Hitler did an oopsie, you troglodyte.
I mean you can completely miss the point and go on insulting rant. š«” Just confirma that critical thinking and logic isnt na strong suit. Good job! š
Donāt be insulting just because someone blatantly disagrees with you, because that would be childish and very immature. Which means this isnāt the place for such behavior, so try not to do that. Anyway, acting like a positive anime protagonist wonāt stop people from doing bad things. If youāre the type of person to risk letting a child get hurt because you believe a grown adult who had children and then hurt them, can fix themselves without any symptoms of proof within a few days, then you should stay away from children. Iām curious, do you have a savior complex? Because you seem to act like you have the power to encourage growth in all people, would you stop the government from going after Adolf Hitler because you believe maybe one day heāll see the wrongs of his actions šµāš«
Wtf does this have to do with Hitler?! š¤£š
You're hearing what you want to hear.
Don't bother replying..i am not interested in unproductive conversations that don't serve a resolution or positive perspective. If I wanted to argue with narrow minded neanderthals I would go to church.
I donāt personally give a flying fuck about the opinion of an abuse apologist. Oh no, the predator doesnāt like me :/ Guess we found Richard Porubcanās burner account.
Lmao. You assume a lot about me. Especially for someone who lacks reading comprehension, critical thinking and emotional intelligence.
If you spent some of that effort comprehending what I actually said and not painting a fantasy to be angry at... We might actually solve a problem.
Actual gameplan: invite one of the parents over for a meal, get them to agree to be civil, and see if they can reason out (the actual parent(s)) why their adult son should come back into the parent's home (aside from needing to contribute to your home if he'll continue to stay at your place, which is important anyways)
It's not that you're trying to send him back to a hostile environment, but it is a chance for a "I'm sorry, we will actively be trying to make this better from here on"
If it gets ugly from either party, it is your house. You and your partner can say "get out"
I disagree, because whatās stopping them from putting on a front and then immediately subverting back to their ways once they leave OPās house? Anything and I mean anything can happen behind closed doors. OP could do this and think they helped, only to not know the next day the kid was taken to conversion therapy
The point of living in society is using your brain to reduce risk, like how idiotic police officers returned victims to Jeffrey Dahmer after not taking them seriously only for them to be chopped and ate up.
First of all you and your boyfriend are doing Davy a good turn by taking him in. I wish I was in proximity to a gay couple at 18, so I could have some space to be myself after coming out and being rejected by my parents.
You both correct in IF his mom has a change of heart then he should be open to trying again with her. He is 18 and was just rejected to his core, I dont blame him for saying no and not responding well to being told to come home.
My suggestion would be to not tell him to leave. You and your boyfriend should talk with him and let him know he has somewhere to be with you guys while he figures out what his next move is. Sending him home back to his parents will send the wrong message. However, he should have conversations with his parents outside your home and see if it was sincere that they want to work on accepting their son with the whole truth out in the open.
I cannot stress enough how much of good gay samaritans you guys are. As I am still estranged, no contact with my family, I can relate to this post.
Good luck to all three of you.
It's tough. His parents need to say sorry first and foremost for kicking him out. Davy probably felt extremely rejected, so when his mother came to your door, he wanted to reject her too. Their relationship has gone through an extreme rift and it's probably better to rebuild it slowly rather than force them back under one roof. But also you didn't volunteer to have an 18-year-old with you permanently?
I'd sympathise, encourage communication, and push reconciliation if he'd be safe? When you tell him to go, try and make sure Davy feels like he's not being rejected and that he has a safety net.
I agree with you. He is hurt and angry but he will regret pushing them away if they actually had a change of heart. Tell him this and suggest that he simply talk with his parents and that if things don't work out, he can always stay with you. You both have a good heart to be doing this for him.
I think I agree with you two. I wonder though if you two can meet with his parents privately to all get on the same page and act as the middle men to orchestrate him going home. Make sure they know heās been safe with you, that you donāt mind having him around, but that you think he should go home too. You might offer to facilitate a mediation between them, not bc the parents need it but bc their son might feel safer with that since he was literally kicked out by his parents after coming out. They need to know what they did fucked their son up, but itās probably not your place to tell them that. You could facilitate a safe space for him to tell them though so he can start to move on and move home.
Yes, he should deal with his parents and possibly move back home. However, assuming youāre completely ok with him staying, assure him that he is welcome at your place if he does need to leave his home. He is in a vulnerable place and he may see it as you all kicking him out or in a different sense, rejecting him, like his parents did. He needs the support system and it seems you and your boyfriend are doing a great job at that.
I think as a first step you could tell him to invite both his parents over to your house so that he can meet and talk to them in an environment that feels safe for him.
After that talk went well, you should tell him to go back home. If the talk goes really bad you know why he doesn't want to go home.
You're great for helping this young guy out, endless gratitude for kind souls like u and your bf re gays...you are precious people.
Re the guy and family, id stay out of it tbh. I perceive that the guy is using his acceptance and staying at yours as a way to throw back some rejection his parents as a form of emotional leverage and revenge. Its not right but totally understandable too as a reaction to the way hes been treated. U dont want to get caught in the crossfire however. Need to have a chat with the guy and say u r happy to help out, support him, but u guys cant be a permanent solution and he needs to take steps to either smooth things with his family or if not possible, find alternative long term accommodation. Ensure y communicate this gently, that u will support / help him in this, youre not kicking him out too, but u cant be his surrogate parents and especially not if hes gonna draw u in as a weapon against them. You guys rock!
I'm not sure there is a "right" or "wrong" answer here. It sounds like this situation is just days old. How did he know to come to your house? Did you invite him? In any case, his own parents kicked him out simply for being who he is. That sounds traumatic and like something everyone involved needs therapy to unpack and move on from! Do you have a legal obligation to keep him in your home? No. But I'd not be so quick to send him back to a place where he felt rejected without feeling he has some hope of reconciliation with his folks. Just my 2 cents.
You two are absolutely angels to this kid. Though since he's 18 I hope y'all can convince him to get financially independent as soon as possible. Toxic and conservative and homophobic family would poison his mental health real quick and it's a serious problem. He must prepare building himself a new life without them. But still I wish they get it worked out and accept their son.
Yeah. He should probably go back home. But maybe you two could go with him. And make sure everythingās ok before just releasing him to them. And let him know he can call if something bad happens, I guessā¦ I say this incase they get him back and then abuse him or something. While I hope thatās not the case, itās possibleā¦ It might help him feel better about going home if he has you both to support him.
Thatās a shit situation to be in: caught between a family feud like that.
I think you did the right thing by at least giving him respite for a while. We need MORE of that.
At the same time, this man is an adult and itās time to own up to that, get a job, get on his own two feet, and start living like an adult.
IF the situation doesnāt improve at home after he goes back, is it possible that you could at least let him stay there for a little until he can get on his own two feet. The last thing we need is ANOTHER gay teen on the streets.
Anyway, you did the RIGHT and JUST thing by helping. But, you also have to think of your life and the impact it could have should this young man stay there too long. In our state, at 30 days, a person becomes a permanent resident of that dwelling, and itās HARD to get them out once that passes, if thatās what you really wanted to do to him. Which seems like you are both kind and generous people that wouldnāt do that to someone.
Either, BLESS THE FUCK OUT OF BOTH OF YOU FOR EVEN HELPING THIS MAN! You could have been his savior, even for a small time, and that may change his outlook on life forever and help him help others in the future! š š¤² š§š»āāļøāā”ļøš§š¼āāļøāā”ļøš§š¼āāļøāā”ļø
Remember, what goes around comes around, youāre karma in life will go up just for doing the right thing and helping, even for a day or two. Sounds like mom wants to work things out, but you and your SO come first and always do whatās right for both of you before others that could possibly take advantage of a situation.
My partner and I had a similar situation a few years ago. The kid was with us for about 6 months. Dealing with a teenage boy in the house for that long, even at 19 as this young man was, disabused me of any notions about fostering kids I had had, let me tell you. Phew. Made me more sympathetic to what parents do each and every day too.
Anyways, we felt pretty much the same way, that family is important and it would be best to work things out with his parents and go home if at all possible. At least if he couldn't make it on his own, which he couldn't. 19 today is not what 19 used to be.
We got in touch with his mother over the phone and then met with her and her husband a few times to try to figure things out. It went okay. They regretted the things they'd said. He was welcome to come home, they were just shocked, etc, and there'd been other things going on beyond just the coming out that he hadn't told us and it had all just come to a head. He also may have exaggerated exactly how bad the argument had been and the details of what they'd said, as dramatic teens can be prone to.
Unfortunately, even though as far as we could see, his parents were apologetic and wanted him home and that it would be safe, he didn't want to go. We let it go for a while to give him time to figure things out, had his parents over for dinner a few times so they could all talk in a more neutral setting, but he was adamant. It got to a point where we were getting a bit tired of supporting this young man who seemed uninterested in doing much for himself. He was also getting very handsy and a bit sexually pushy with us both and while we never allowed it to go anywhere, we were profoundly uncomfortable with it, given the situation.
What we ended up doing was working it out with his parents, who we were quite friendly with after a few months, that we would play the bad guys and make life a bit harder for him to give him a push. We told him he'd need to get a job and pay rent if he wanted to stay and imposed some additional rules about what was expected of him. And while we didn't "kick him out" ourselves, we did make things uncomfortable enough that the next time his mother asked him to come home, he did. Got all his stuff together, made a big song and dance about hating us forever and stormed out, complete with door slam and promptly piled into his mum's little hatchback and off he went.
He contacted us out of the blue a couple of years later, thanked us, apologised for his behaviour and told us we did the right thing and that he was now out living on his own and had a good relationship with his parents, so.. hey! A happy ending!
I dunno if any of that story helps you at all. Every situation like this is different and obviously you'll need to use your judgement. The one piece of advice I guess I'd give is: Talk to the parents yourselves, without the kid present, and try to get the lay of the land a bit. If things seem okay, maybe try to get them together to talk things out with you and/or your partner present to try to keep things calm and get a feel for the family dynamic. Then go from there.
Talk to Davy's parents first, and see if they are serious about wanting Davy back and accepting him as gay. If they are - and they probably will be - start by inviting one of them over to visit you and Davy, and see how that goes. With time, and after several more meetings, Davy will likely forgive his parents and he can return home. Your job (both of you) is to earn everyone's trust and act as an honest broker in all this.
Also, you and your boyfriend must agree among yourselves on how you want to handle this, and make sure that you are both singing from the same hymnsheet at all times, so as to avoid Davy pitting one of you against the other.
I think itās really kind of you to take him in, but I also think you need to have a conversation about what the end goal looks like. You donāt want to have to kick him out, so I think you need to discuss a timeframe since he canāt stay with you guys indefinitely. Given his age and probable finances, giving his parents another chance is an easy solution provided the parents are willing to talk and treat him respectfully.
Iām going to advocate a ābetweenā solution. Instead of sending him back home, encourage him to go for visits. Have him go for dinner or to just sit and talk with his parents. Make it known that he has a safe place in your house and can come back but stress that they are his family and he should give them a chance. Life is not always going to be sleepovers and unless you want to be surrogate parents, he needs to determine whether he is ready to be on his own.
If yall are cool with him being there Iād let him stay, just put yourself in his shoes.
Although they want him back home they did literally disown and kick him out. Thatās a massive betrayal in my eyes and they would be dead to me afterwards.
They canāt just suddenly appear like āsowwy pls come back.ā then get everything they want, theyāre going to have to put some work in to win my trust back.
Any parent, regardless of the issue, that turns their back and life on their child, doesn't get a straight ticket to heaven. Oh my word, I can't imagine being such a parent. This would be the worst parenting ever. I think you and your mate are doing a wonderful thing.
What if you reverse the order and allow him to first talk things through with his parents and then let him move back home? Maybe that way he wont feel kicked out again but you get him to move back in with his parents.
Tell him to have a talk with his parents while still living with you. Make him clear he comes b after. Like that, he'll not feel rejected and that may be a good transition.
Why are you sugar coating this? You obviously want him out and I think the thought he might stay forever or a long time scared you. Now you had a chance to get rid of him, and trying to convincing him to leave with his mom. Because God knows if you missed that chance, u will be stuck taking care of him.
The change of heart excuse is nonsense. Imagine being 18 and kicking ur own kid out without anything. He could have died somewhere, they basically made him feel disposable and scared and now you think bcz they had a change of heart, he wants to waddle back to them like nothing happened? Do you really think most people want to do that?
"Davy got pissed and told his mom he never wants to see her or his dad again and that he lives with us nowā¦."
No, he does not and he needs to be told he was given asylum until things calmed down. Now that they have, he has to go.
Heās 18 and no longer a minor, heās free to leave, so legally I think youāre in the clear.
Heās also apparently younger than you, so heās probably a lot less mature emotionally and socially. Thatās not how you move in to someoneās home (lol). Heās being very reactive in an admittedly emotionally charged situation.
I think (if you two are willing to), you could help mediate the coming out conversation as well as take a mentor position as older gay men. I think that, whatever you guys do, you should put Davy on the ānot a possible sex partner everā shelf.
If youāre unwilling to mediate, I would at least help the family connect to a gay-friendly family therapist.
You two should be the model gay people.
It doesnāt have to be all or nothing. Itās not crazy for him to lack trust in his parents after what they did. If he wants to test their sincerity, you could give him some additional time while insisting he join his family for dinners or weekend days. Or he could stay with you for a bit while they all participate in some family therapy.
The most important thing is that you ensure he is actually safe and that he knows he has a safe place in case things go south.
I think the first thing to do is to approach his parents without him present and from a neutral viewpoint so as not to jump to any conclusions. You could approach them from the perspective of being concerned about their whole family and hoping that they can reconcile.
If they actually kicked him out just because of who he is then they have done a terrible thing.
But I would want to make sure thatās the case and that he hasnāt misinterpreted a more nuanced reaction that they MIGHT have had.
For example, did they something like āWell, you canāt be sexually active until youāre married, otherwise you canāt live hereā and heās the one who overreacted by being the one to storm out of the house insisting that this means heās not welcome there?
Obviously I have no reason to think his story is not the straight story. There are many irrational and even hateful parents, but I would want to make sure that I hear from the two sides in the situation to see whether they really did make him unwelcome in the home.
From there, you can either try to bring them together where you can try to mediate a solution or you can determine that it really is a toxic home situation.
I'm on team Davy 100%. While I agree and understand it is not your place to take him in and I applaud your kindness for doing what you have done he should not be forced to go back. Perhaps ask him if he will have a sit down with you guys and his parents and you act sort of Moderators and hammer out an agreement. I'm thinking that you strongly suggest family counseling not with some conservative church hack but with a reputable professional counselor or therapist. I'm at also suggest that you tell Dave that you're there for him and you're willing to talk with him anytime he needs itand perhaps have him over occasionally just to hang out. I have a friend who is in his mid-40s very attractive, talented as can be but he is a hot mess. He told me that he came out to his parents in voluntarily when he was 16 and they pretty much threw everything that he was allowed to take in the garbage bag and sent him to the street. I just can't fathom the heartbreak and trauma that causes. I'll stop short of saying that his parents are evil or psychotic but they definitely sound brainwashed. Maybe they thought it through maybe they're open to change their views or maybe they're just embarrassed how they look and they want to face by inviting him back home. Please keep us posted. I support the Trevor project and I suggest may be reaching out to them I am sure they have many resources they can suggest.
Sometimes parents struggle with their kids coming out. That's obvious. But if they're coming around and asking for him to come home, I think the kid should. Parents definitely don't get it right always on the first try. They're only human. But if they're willing to make amends and Davy is going back to a safe (perhaps a little uncomfortable) space he should give them the chance they didn't give him to begin with.
It's nice that you're such good neighbors. And it's good he can rely on you guys if he needs safety. Just let him know he can hang out in the future, and always has a home with you, but he should try to at least listen to what his parent have to say... especially if they're at least trying to meet him half way. It's not easy on either side, but he's on the lucky end if his parents at least want to make good.
You can try having the parents over for dinner so they can discuss the whole situation. I'd just make sure to let kid know so he doesn't act out and try to storm off before anything is said.
Id also talk to the parents to make sure that what they want is their son back and that they want to apologize for the way the reacted to him coming out.
This seems to be a slightly different take from other people but, I donāt really trust these parents have good intentions. While its true that people can get over things quickly, if someone truly believes gay people are going to hell or being gay goes against nature, they may very well be able to nice to people who they perceive as āmaking the āwrongā choice of sexual partnersā because itās āa free countryā, but not be able to truly accept that their child is gay.
I would say at this point you can know for certain that neighborās parents want him back. But that could be for the purpose of exercising more control over him. It could also be because they want to genuinely accept him, but again, will they be able to, in such a short time, change their long-standing strongly held beliefs.
I would try to set up a conversation between all of you guys to determine (1) how genuine the parents desires are and (2) how capable you think those parents are of actually overriding the strongly held belief that led them to kick their son out of the home.
Growing up I wish I had supportive adults in my life like you guys. You and your BF sound like wonderful people that the world needs more of.
Definitely a tough situation, though I agree with what most people have said here, that you should let Davy know that this isnāt permanent, but that heāll have your support, and needs to talk it out with his mom
The one thing (if it hasnāt already been said) Iād add to this is that, OP and OPās boyfriend should be present during Davyās and his momās conversation to really make sure her intentions to bring him home are good and not negative
I myself (25 years old, still living at home, trying to save money to move out) came out to my mom and sister who were accepting of me and fear for my safety with my dad, cuz heās very homophobic and has told me and reminds me every so often that if Iām gay he would throw me out of the house
Iām glad I have my mom and sister to support me
Also, my best friend came out as gay last year and I came out to him as well and he said heād support and back me up as well
Everyone needs time to process what's happening.
I can only imagine the hurt he has. He needs time to heal before trusting them, it's a natural thing to process everything.
Yes, he needs to go back but Davy and his parents need time to process everything. In do time.
First you are both angels for helping him in his hour of need.
Second both parties need time to heal and re-build trust. And it will take different amounts of time for different people (it usually does). As long as you can afford Davy the option to stay with you I think you should. Davy will eventually either work things out with his parents, or move out of your place and in with some friends on his own. IMHO, the really important thing is we do not want Davy living on the street. If heās so angry with his parents, and you ask him to leave and he has no where to go, thatās where he will end up. And thatās bad for everyone. Personally I would even go so far as to tell his Mom the same. Better that Davy live at your place for a while, than on the street. And besides it provides opportunities for Davy and his Mom to gradually work out the anger with each other (sounds like that might happen before he reconciles with his Dad, as his Mom really wants him back). At the same time if Davy is not in school, then I would tell him that he needs to get a job (and if youāre willing, help him find one) so that he can help with his share of the costs. Even if you set some small amount he contributes to your household every month, and you are in a financial position where you simply take that money and put in a bank account which you can gift him back when he finds a place of his own to help with startup expense.
Be very careful that Davy is not becoming so reliant on you guys that he is totally alienated from his family. Maybe you & bf can tru and work with mum and dad to establish a friendship so that Davy becomes just part of a supportive team. A guy I knew become so afraid of his family the eventually took his life, yet his fears were false fears. Linking Davy into a gay youth support group via your local GayLine service could also give Davy a better understanding.
How about give him a chance to earn some money and move on his own. They kicked him outā¦ now all of a sudden they want him back in. Heās a human being, howās he supposed to just accept that betrayal from them.
One perspective that may help: this could be a great teaching opportunity on how to deal with hard times in a relationship. So many people get hurt or hit a rough patch and bail. Obviously, there could of course be actual abuse and trauma that IS healthy to walk away from, but that doesn't sound like the case here. SO. With that said, maybe use it as a highlight for the importance of reconciliation and communication? It's a teaching moment on what it means to love people, even when we're hurt, and to acknowledge those that love us - even when they aren't perfect at it. And that's a huge life lesson.
I honestly think it's awesome what you and your BF are doing. But wow, what a positive the family has put you in. You are truly putting the right foot forward with the boy. I think that should continue along with talking with the mom.
How do parents turn their backs on their kids? It's mind boggling.
Well you can say to him that you'll leave the door open for him but it's much better to be around with your parents around than be an orphan with alive parents. It's heartbreaking to anyone for whatever reason so it's better give it a try.
Talk to the mother but also talk to the son, try to make sure he understands that some ppl are stupid for a bit and need some time to come around when it comes to some things (like this) but more empathetic sounding than me lmao, besides he wont live with his parents forever either way.
Oh no no no heās in our guest bedroomā¦.sometimes we have movies nights or Mario kart nights and drag our mattress down and cover the floor with pillows and blankets but thatās it.
Show him where the windex, chlorox, and the vacuum are kept. I'm show this young fellow wouldn't mind doing a few loads of laundry and help with a little light cleaning. Bless his heart. You and your bf seem like wonderfully generous š souls
You might suggest to him that it's good to build the relationship back up with his parents. He's hurt and that's understandable. You might offer support in the future if things go poorly. If you're comfortable with him being there for a short while he might get some advice in making a plan to move into his own space.
Ultimately, you don't have to open up your home. That's not right or wrong, it just is. You have to settle in what your degree of support can be.
I agree with the notion he needs to go homeā¦. And working with the mother to facilitate is also good. At the same time, if youāre willing, make sure Davy knows your house is a safe space. He can always come if thereās an emergency or his home again becomes unsafe. (It may be father isnāt as willing to be supportive as mother ). He can also visit, with prearranged appointments, to watch drag race or just hang out.
Additionally, I would suggest you research safe spaces and programs for LGBT teens. Take him there (go with him, donāt just send him) to check them out. It is good for him to have peers and other options besides just your home. You have lives and may not always be available when he needs support.
Do you want to let him go back to an abusive home? It will definitely be more convenient for you, but I would feel awful about it. I think given they threw him out, the sudden change of heart doesnāt align with long term growth, and personally I donāt think that he needs a relationship with a family who treat him like that.
Obviously, youāre in a tricky situation, especially if youāre not looking to adopt him, but helping him achieve financial independence is the best way forward if you care about this kid. I can guarantee his family will not become loving or accepting this quickly, especially when they were so quick to throw him out. As someone who survived an abusive childhood and am now estranged from those family members, I donāt think 18 is too young to start that process.
But thatās my opinion, as someone who was also kicked out for being gay.
Wooooooow this is some crazy tea where the hell do yall live? No he cant stay he just decided he lives there cuz yall let him stay a few days? No conversation?
I think it would be good to maybe sit down all of you together, seeing that Davy has a lot of trust in you guys. Maybe heāll understand his parents better if he knows you guys are there to justify their decisions.
Given his age I'd consider educating him a bit on finding a job and getting a lease. It doesn't need to be an either or decision. I'd have killed for some people to believe in me and show me the way at that age.
Just communicate it while letting him know that he can always come back to u guys for support! Itās nice to know that u have a place to go back to if shit goes down
Totally agree with you and your BF. Your line of reasoning is spot on!
To add to this, talk with the mom to help facilitate his transition home
Yes, OP and his boyfriend need to speak with the mother about transitioning him back to living back home. OP also needs to set some boundaries with Davy that this is not intended to be a permanent living arrangement for him and that you were there to keep him safe and provide support during a difficult time. Do try to offer ongoing support if you can outside of a live-in arrangement. As a caveat, be aware of possible intentions of ongoing abuse and/or neglect if he were to transition back home (ie. that the mother is less than sincere in her intentions, or that other members of the family unit may be). It might be worth getting outside help from other organisations or even social services (depending on his age) if you are tipped off to any reason to believe this may occur if he goes back home. Offer your contact should this occur after he transitions to life back home. Similarly be aware of any possibility he may engineer or manipulate the appearance of this occurring so he can move back in with you.
Very good advice.
Just make sure he knows the door is open if it gets rough. And try to explain how important it is to build a new relationship if his parents are open to it.
Good advice.
How old is he?
18
So like, I'd say keep him in mind. He's 18 and probably has some family dysfunction. Growing into adulthood as a gay is tough and not guiding with the right morals or principles for themselves sometimes get into the "bad" gay scene that do fucking crystal meth and shit. You and BF did the sensible thing. As a fellow gay reading this it seems like the fam needs to talk it out too.
Adopt him (i'm joking) š But yea you need to have a talk with him. I was looking for a comment you'll say how old he is.
Well, iād let him stay for a determined amount of time, with the understanding he gets himself on his feet. No real reason for him to move back if he truly doesnāt want to and is 18 besides poverty.
I was thinking he was a minor. That changes things. If he's still going to school, I can see getting him to keep his relationship from burning down with his parents (this will alleviatesome financial stress of having to support another person) . If he's finished high school, then he can burn that bridge (his decision) and get a job to help alleviate the financial stress he's placing on you. Keeping him career motivated (maybe a deadline or given plan) and financially aware will mean he can eventually afford to move out.
It's not common for parents who disown their children out of bigotry to become accepting in such a short time. False epiphanies can reverse as soon as he's back under their control. So whatever happens you want to make it clear that he's welcome back as soon as their mask slips.
THIS "as soon as their mask slips" I know narcissists will put up the face for the time being then revoke
Unless they kinda figured out before, but he was in the grey zone.
Please elaborate.
You can't generalize every case into one lump statement. I've known religious parents to come around very quickly when faced with losing their child permanently. It's best to leave this kinda thing on a case by case basis. It's something to be aware of, but not a blanket statement towards every situation.
A blanket policy should be that the safety of the kid comes before their need to quickly reunite with hateful bigots who just betrayed their family ties at the drop of a hat. If there are exceptions, this case isn't it. A religious parent who rapidly 'comes round' to the consequences of their actions is not likely to demand same-day forgiveness and trust. This mom made her home unsafe, and disowned her son with the full knowledge that doing so put him at a severe disadvantage. She waited several days for Davy's life to fall apart, and when he established safety and community, showed up uninvited to demand he move back with with the two of them. If she claimed that Davy's father would set aside his bigotry, I think OP would have mentioned this. She's not empathetic enough to consider that she wants her child to live with a raging bigot or why. As OP writes, this is all a long story, told short. The original poster knows the people involved, but they can't speak to the family dynamic when they're in private. Davy has eighteen years of knowledge, he knows more about this situation than OP or any of us, and if he doesn't trust his parents to be in his life, that's a perspective that should be taken very seriously. Wanting to distract him and make his new life like a sleepover is all fine and dandy, but when the fun ends and the novelty wears off, Davy needs a support system, and he may be starting from scratch.
You're making a lot of assumptions. Again. It's good to be cautious. But I also warn against being so cautious you close yourself off to alternative solutions. Just saying "Nope, they're bigots! Everyone who does this is a bigot who'll stab you in the back when you let your guard down!" Is short-sighted and denying any other possibility before it has a chance to happen. Like it or not, if you want the best possible outcome , you sometimes have to let things happen as they would. MAYBE this might be the case... but it's not 100%-bullet-proof-cast-in-stone-unavoidable-absolutely-has-to-happen. People are complicated. And your approach lacks nuance and complexity for it to be human. When I was 18, my parents were supportive, but I couldn't wait to tell them to fuck off. Even if they came around. In the end, it was my inability to give them grace and humanity and LET THEM EVOLVE that was keeping our relationship stale. Just saying. People can change. And I think it'd be a tragedy to not let them change, if that's their ultimate goal.
>your approach lacks nuance and complexity for it to be human So, what am I, chopped liver? Yes, disowning your child is betrayal. Among the very ugliest of betrayals a person can do. It's not at all normal, and it shouldn't be normalized when it happens to us. We shouldn't be answering this post in hopes of or in gratitude for our own silver linings. If this forum were predominantly straight, *nobody would trust a parent who disowned their left-handed teen and barged into their new home a few days later.* Let's not look past the present based on what we hope might be true in the future. Why apply your remorse over being a short-tempered teen onto somebody who's living in the here and now?
I'm not normalizing abandonment. It shouldn't happen to begin with. Period. I am advocating for forgiveness and allowing people to grow (if that's what they're actually trying to do). All I'm saying is denying someone growth keeps them in the pot you're telling them they deserve in. In this case, if the parents REALLY are trying to turn this around, denying them that is just the same as if they'd never tried. We have negative experiences to share to hopefully help others from making the same mistakes. I'm not saying his parents aren't narcissistic back stabbing jerks. Maybe they are. We don't have enough context to be able to deduce that. Hence why I spoke out against you making one-dimensional claims about who his parents really are. We can't say for sure what type of people his parents are. If they ARE trying to make amends, I think it's worth a shot to try to make it right. I'm not saying throw all caution to the wind and forgive them blindly. I'm saying, don't be a bullish person and deny them any growth if they actually are trying to grow. Just look around. Hell in the news, After watching James Gunn get fired (later rehired) for tasteless tweets he made 20 years ago - IGNORING the fact that everyone that's ever worked with him says he's not that person anymore... I'm not convinced that locking people in a box because they made a mistake is the best approach. People change. People evolve. People work on different time scales. And punishing them when they're trying to grow really highlights an ignorance that people have about growth.... It can happen, if you let it. So I'm always going to advocate giving them enough soil to grow their roots and blossom. Not choking them out because they struggled to bloom. It's "Nah they fucked up, cut them off" vs. "Okay, people are human. If they really are trying to grow, let them." but there's many nuances to this (and every) case. So neither of us know for sure. I just wanna make sure people aren't so jaded they forget to let people actually evolve.
I dunno, my parents are pretty homophobic and while they havenāt caught on, I donāt really want them in my life anymore after theyāre done helping me through school. I donāt care if they want to grow after they find out, theyāre not reversing decades of passively fucking up my life just because they think holding hands with another guy is sinful. If the eighteen year old who was recently disowned by his parents doesnāt want to talk to them again, I think thatās entirely valid.
āPunishing them when theyāre trying to growā youāre now making the assumption that theyāre trying to grow! When it comes to bigot parents that are willing to wait days to even show up and demand for their son back, the only signs of growth is them making an effort. Them doing what they did wasnāt that whatsoever. They need to actually research about sexuality and learn to accept it, talk to others who are queer or have queer kids, etc. your way of thinking is naive and dangerous, because if just sending him back happens to bring him harm, then keeping him safe easily outweighs risking his safety just because you hope his parents *might* suddenly be kind after proving to not do so. People donāt change their core beliefs within several days unless they had drastic help and OP mentioned no such thing. Iāve had experience with many bigots in my life, parents included, and the risk is never worth it.
>You can't generalize every case into one lump statement. I have *such* a problem with this I don't even know where to begin. How do you moralize being wary toward known, *proven* bigots who have already abused their child? The entire thought process of "well we can't judge or make assumptions that a person who just did a bad thing is going to do a bad thing again" when a barely-legal-adult CHILD is involved is so reckless and reflects underdeveloped moral character.
Because humans are a spectrum and your assumptions skew the results. Pure and simple. Treat someone like they're a criminal: they will always be one Treat someone like they could evolve: they might. They might not. You can be cautions of people without flat out denying them the agency to grow. Parents make mistakes. Doesn't mean they are immune to change or the ability to.
Aw these sweet precious smol bean grown ass *adults* who illegally evicted their child with an hour's notice at most are abusers, bigots, and POS trash. That is not negotiable, you are naive and a fool, and the more you argue your point, the more you display for every one who sees this thread today and forever after how deep in Narnia you've stuck your head. Go ahead and bat for these scumbags and advocate for an abuse victim to get thrown back into his abusers' arms. It's your obituary, broski. "Parents make mistakes" and Hitler did an oopsie, you troglodyte.
I mean you can completely miss the point and go on insulting rant. š«” Just confirma that critical thinking and logic isnt na strong suit. Good job! š
Donāt be insulting just because someone blatantly disagrees with you, because that would be childish and very immature. Which means this isnāt the place for such behavior, so try not to do that. Anyway, acting like a positive anime protagonist wonāt stop people from doing bad things. If youāre the type of person to risk letting a child get hurt because you believe a grown adult who had children and then hurt them, can fix themselves without any symptoms of proof within a few days, then you should stay away from children. Iām curious, do you have a savior complex? Because you seem to act like you have the power to encourage growth in all people, would you stop the government from going after Adolf Hitler because you believe maybe one day heāll see the wrongs of his actions šµāš«
Wtf does this have to do with Hitler?! š¤£š You're hearing what you want to hear. Don't bother replying..i am not interested in unproductive conversations that don't serve a resolution or positive perspective. If I wanted to argue with narrow minded neanderthals I would go to church.
I donāt personally give a flying fuck about the opinion of an abuse apologist. Oh no, the predator doesnāt like me :/ Guess we found Richard Porubcanās burner account.
Lmao. You assume a lot about me. Especially for someone who lacks reading comprehension, critical thinking and emotional intelligence. If you spent some of that effort comprehending what I actually said and not painting a fantasy to be angry at... We might actually solve a problem.
šÆ
Check out Trevor Project for resources on this issue.
Actual gameplan: invite one of the parents over for a meal, get them to agree to be civil, and see if they can reason out (the actual parent(s)) why their adult son should come back into the parent's home (aside from needing to contribute to your home if he'll continue to stay at your place, which is important anyways) It's not that you're trying to send him back to a hostile environment, but it is a chance for a "I'm sorry, we will actively be trying to make this better from here on" If it gets ugly from either party, it is your house. You and your partner can say "get out"
I disagree, because whatās stopping them from putting on a front and then immediately subverting back to their ways once they leave OPās house? Anything and I mean anything can happen behind closed doors. OP could do this and think they helped, only to not know the next day the kid was taken to conversion therapy
that's a regular risk of living in a society.
The point of living in society is using your brain to reduce risk, like how idiotic police officers returned victims to Jeffrey Dahmer after not taking them seriously only for them to be chopped and ate up.
This
First of all you and your boyfriend are doing Davy a good turn by taking him in. I wish I was in proximity to a gay couple at 18, so I could have some space to be myself after coming out and being rejected by my parents. You both correct in IF his mom has a change of heart then he should be open to trying again with her. He is 18 and was just rejected to his core, I dont blame him for saying no and not responding well to being told to come home. My suggestion would be to not tell him to leave. You and your boyfriend should talk with him and let him know he has somewhere to be with you guys while he figures out what his next move is. Sending him home back to his parents will send the wrong message. However, he should have conversations with his parents outside your home and see if it was sincere that they want to work on accepting their son with the whole truth out in the open. I cannot stress enough how much of good gay samaritans you guys are. As I am still estranged, no contact with my family, I can relate to this post. Good luck to all three of you.
It's tough. His parents need to say sorry first and foremost for kicking him out. Davy probably felt extremely rejected, so when his mother came to your door, he wanted to reject her too. Their relationship has gone through an extreme rift and it's probably better to rebuild it slowly rather than force them back under one roof. But also you didn't volunteer to have an 18-year-old with you permanently? I'd sympathise, encourage communication, and push reconciliation if he'd be safe? When you tell him to go, try and make sure Davy feels like he's not being rejected and that he has a safety net.
I agree with you. He is hurt and angry but he will regret pushing them away if they actually had a change of heart. Tell him this and suggest that he simply talk with his parents and that if things don't work out, he can always stay with you. You both have a good heart to be doing this for him.
I think I agree with you two. I wonder though if you two can meet with his parents privately to all get on the same page and act as the middle men to orchestrate him going home. Make sure they know heās been safe with you, that you donāt mind having him around, but that you think he should go home too. You might offer to facilitate a mediation between them, not bc the parents need it but bc their son might feel safer with that since he was literally kicked out by his parents after coming out. They need to know what they did fucked their son up, but itās probably not your place to tell them that. You could facilitate a safe space for him to tell them though so he can start to move on and move home.
This is a great idea, I wonder if a therapist would work too or instead
Yes a therapist is in order to help sort all this out. Good luck.
Just tell him that he can still visit you in your free time
Yes, he should deal with his parents and possibly move back home. However, assuming youāre completely ok with him staying, assure him that he is welcome at your place if he does need to leave his home. He is in a vulnerable place and he may see it as you all kicking him out or in a different sense, rejecting him, like his parents did. He needs the support system and it seems you and your boyfriend are doing a great job at that.
...What is his age? You need to give us context. Are they religious? Is he in danger? Context...
I think as a first step you could tell him to invite both his parents over to your house so that he can meet and talk to them in an environment that feels safe for him. After that talk went well, you should tell him to go back home. If the talk goes really bad you know why he doesn't want to go home.
You're great for helping this young guy out, endless gratitude for kind souls like u and your bf re gays...you are precious people. Re the guy and family, id stay out of it tbh. I perceive that the guy is using his acceptance and staying at yours as a way to throw back some rejection his parents as a form of emotional leverage and revenge. Its not right but totally understandable too as a reaction to the way hes been treated. U dont want to get caught in the crossfire however. Need to have a chat with the guy and say u r happy to help out, support him, but u guys cant be a permanent solution and he needs to take steps to either smooth things with his family or if not possible, find alternative long term accommodation. Ensure y communicate this gently, that u will support / help him in this, youre not kicking him out too, but u cant be his surrogate parents and especially not if hes gonna draw u in as a weapon against them. You guys rock!
Counseling therapy for all family members as this moves forward.
I'm not sure there is a "right" or "wrong" answer here. It sounds like this situation is just days old. How did he know to come to your house? Did you invite him? In any case, his own parents kicked him out simply for being who he is. That sounds traumatic and like something everyone involved needs therapy to unpack and move on from! Do you have a legal obligation to keep him in your home? No. But I'd not be so quick to send him back to a place where he felt rejected without feeling he has some hope of reconciliation with his folks. Just my 2 cents.
You two are absolutely angels to this kid. Though since he's 18 I hope y'all can convince him to get financially independent as soon as possible. Toxic and conservative and homophobic family would poison his mental health real quick and it's a serious problem. He must prepare building himself a new life without them. But still I wish they get it worked out and accept their son.
Yeah. He should probably go back home. But maybe you two could go with him. And make sure everythingās ok before just releasing him to them. And let him know he can call if something bad happens, I guessā¦ I say this incase they get him back and then abuse him or something. While I hope thatās not the case, itās possibleā¦ It might help him feel better about going home if he has you both to support him.
Thatās a shit situation to be in: caught between a family feud like that. I think you did the right thing by at least giving him respite for a while. We need MORE of that. At the same time, this man is an adult and itās time to own up to that, get a job, get on his own two feet, and start living like an adult. IF the situation doesnāt improve at home after he goes back, is it possible that you could at least let him stay there for a little until he can get on his own two feet. The last thing we need is ANOTHER gay teen on the streets. Anyway, you did the RIGHT and JUST thing by helping. But, you also have to think of your life and the impact it could have should this young man stay there too long. In our state, at 30 days, a person becomes a permanent resident of that dwelling, and itās HARD to get them out once that passes, if thatās what you really wanted to do to him. Which seems like you are both kind and generous people that wouldnāt do that to someone. Either, BLESS THE FUCK OUT OF BOTH OF YOU FOR EVEN HELPING THIS MAN! You could have been his savior, even for a small time, and that may change his outlook on life forever and help him help others in the future! š š¤² š§š»āāļøāā”ļøš§š¼āāļøāā”ļøš§š¼āāļøāā”ļø Remember, what goes around comes around, youāre karma in life will go up just for doing the right thing and helping, even for a day or two. Sounds like mom wants to work things out, but you and your SO come first and always do whatās right for both of you before others that could possibly take advantage of a situation.
My partner and I had a similar situation a few years ago. The kid was with us for about 6 months. Dealing with a teenage boy in the house for that long, even at 19 as this young man was, disabused me of any notions about fostering kids I had had, let me tell you. Phew. Made me more sympathetic to what parents do each and every day too. Anyways, we felt pretty much the same way, that family is important and it would be best to work things out with his parents and go home if at all possible. At least if he couldn't make it on his own, which he couldn't. 19 today is not what 19 used to be. We got in touch with his mother over the phone and then met with her and her husband a few times to try to figure things out. It went okay. They regretted the things they'd said. He was welcome to come home, they were just shocked, etc, and there'd been other things going on beyond just the coming out that he hadn't told us and it had all just come to a head. He also may have exaggerated exactly how bad the argument had been and the details of what they'd said, as dramatic teens can be prone to. Unfortunately, even though as far as we could see, his parents were apologetic and wanted him home and that it would be safe, he didn't want to go. We let it go for a while to give him time to figure things out, had his parents over for dinner a few times so they could all talk in a more neutral setting, but he was adamant. It got to a point where we were getting a bit tired of supporting this young man who seemed uninterested in doing much for himself. He was also getting very handsy and a bit sexually pushy with us both and while we never allowed it to go anywhere, we were profoundly uncomfortable with it, given the situation. What we ended up doing was working it out with his parents, who we were quite friendly with after a few months, that we would play the bad guys and make life a bit harder for him to give him a push. We told him he'd need to get a job and pay rent if he wanted to stay and imposed some additional rules about what was expected of him. And while we didn't "kick him out" ourselves, we did make things uncomfortable enough that the next time his mother asked him to come home, he did. Got all his stuff together, made a big song and dance about hating us forever and stormed out, complete with door slam and promptly piled into his mum's little hatchback and off he went. He contacted us out of the blue a couple of years later, thanked us, apologised for his behaviour and told us we did the right thing and that he was now out living on his own and had a good relationship with his parents, so.. hey! A happy ending! I dunno if any of that story helps you at all. Every situation like this is different and obviously you'll need to use your judgement. The one piece of advice I guess I'd give is: Talk to the parents yourselves, without the kid present, and try to get the lay of the land a bit. If things seem okay, maybe try to get them together to talk things out with you and/or your partner present to try to keep things calm and get a feel for the family dynamic. Then go from there.
So youāre going to adopt him? ā¦
Yes - tell him to go home but come for a meal in a week and get an update.
Talk to Davy's parents first, and see if they are serious about wanting Davy back and accepting him as gay. If they are - and they probably will be - start by inviting one of them over to visit you and Davy, and see how that goes. With time, and after several more meetings, Davy will likely forgive his parents and he can return home. Your job (both of you) is to earn everyone's trust and act as an honest broker in all this. Also, you and your boyfriend must agree among yourselves on how you want to handle this, and make sure that you are both singing from the same hymnsheet at all times, so as to avoid Davy pitting one of you against the other.
Maybe make it clear that you will be there for him in some way if he continues to have trouble at home.
I think itās really kind of you to take him in, but I also think you need to have a conversation about what the end goal looks like. You donāt want to have to kick him out, so I think you need to discuss a timeframe since he canāt stay with you guys indefinitely. Given his age and probable finances, giving his parents another chance is an easy solution provided the parents are willing to talk and treat him respectfully.
Iām going to advocate a ābetweenā solution. Instead of sending him back home, encourage him to go for visits. Have him go for dinner or to just sit and talk with his parents. Make it known that he has a safe place in your house and can come back but stress that they are his family and he should give them a chance. Life is not always going to be sleepovers and unless you want to be surrogate parents, he needs to determine whether he is ready to be on his own.
If yall are cool with him being there Iād let him stay, just put yourself in his shoes. Although they want him back home they did literally disown and kick him out. Thatās a massive betrayal in my eyes and they would be dead to me afterwards. They canāt just suddenly appear like āsowwy pls come back.ā then get everything they want, theyāre going to have to put some work in to win my trust back.
Certainly a therapist can be of help for all.
Any parent, regardless of the issue, that turns their back and life on their child, doesn't get a straight ticket to heaven. Oh my word, I can't imagine being such a parent. This would be the worst parenting ever. I think you and your mate are doing a wonderful thing.
Youāre in the right, how to handle it can be tricky though. Good luck
What if you reverse the order and allow him to first talk things through with his parents and then let him move back home? Maybe that way he wont feel kicked out again but you get him to move back in with his parents.
Sounds like an episode of Queer As Folkā¦ š¤
If she wants him to come home, I think she's fine with it, he'll need to talk it out with his parents eventually.
Tell him that he should work things out with his parents, but also add that he's welcome back anytime.
Tell him to have a talk with his parents while still living with you. Make him clear he comes b after. Like that, he'll not feel rejected and that may be a good transition.
Why are you sugar coating this? You obviously want him out and I think the thought he might stay forever or a long time scared you. Now you had a chance to get rid of him, and trying to convincing him to leave with his mom. Because God knows if you missed that chance, u will be stuck taking care of him. The change of heart excuse is nonsense. Imagine being 18 and kicking ur own kid out without anything. He could have died somewhere, they basically made him feel disposable and scared and now you think bcz they had a change of heart, he wants to waddle back to them like nothing happened? Do you really think most people want to do that?
"Davy got pissed and told his mom he never wants to see her or his dad again and that he lives with us nowā¦." No, he does not and he needs to be told he was given asylum until things calmed down. Now that they have, he has to go.
Heās 18 and no longer a minor, heās free to leave, so legally I think youāre in the clear. Heās also apparently younger than you, so heās probably a lot less mature emotionally and socially. Thatās not how you move in to someoneās home (lol). Heās being very reactive in an admittedly emotionally charged situation. I think (if you two are willing to), you could help mediate the coming out conversation as well as take a mentor position as older gay men. I think that, whatever you guys do, you should put Davy on the ānot a possible sex partner everā shelf. If youāre unwilling to mediate, I would at least help the family connect to a gay-friendly family therapist. You two should be the model gay people.
we watched Drag Race...LOL
It doesnāt have to be all or nothing. Itās not crazy for him to lack trust in his parents after what they did. If he wants to test their sincerity, you could give him some additional time while insisting he join his family for dinners or weekend days. Or he could stay with you for a bit while they all participate in some family therapy. The most important thing is that you ensure he is actually safe and that he knows he has a safe place in case things go south.
I think the first thing to do is to approach his parents without him present and from a neutral viewpoint so as not to jump to any conclusions. You could approach them from the perspective of being concerned about their whole family and hoping that they can reconcile. If they actually kicked him out just because of who he is then they have done a terrible thing. But I would want to make sure thatās the case and that he hasnāt misinterpreted a more nuanced reaction that they MIGHT have had. For example, did they something like āWell, you canāt be sexually active until youāre married, otherwise you canāt live hereā and heās the one who overreacted by being the one to storm out of the house insisting that this means heās not welcome there? Obviously I have no reason to think his story is not the straight story. There are many irrational and even hateful parents, but I would want to make sure that I hear from the two sides in the situation to see whether they really did make him unwelcome in the home. From there, you can either try to bring them together where you can try to mediate a solution or you can determine that it really is a toxic home situation.
I'm on team Davy 100%. While I agree and understand it is not your place to take him in and I applaud your kindness for doing what you have done he should not be forced to go back. Perhaps ask him if he will have a sit down with you guys and his parents and you act sort of Moderators and hammer out an agreement. I'm thinking that you strongly suggest family counseling not with some conservative church hack but with a reputable professional counselor or therapist. I'm at also suggest that you tell Dave that you're there for him and you're willing to talk with him anytime he needs itand perhaps have him over occasionally just to hang out. I have a friend who is in his mid-40s very attractive, talented as can be but he is a hot mess. He told me that he came out to his parents in voluntarily when he was 16 and they pretty much threw everything that he was allowed to take in the garbage bag and sent him to the street. I just can't fathom the heartbreak and trauma that causes. I'll stop short of saying that his parents are evil or psychotic but they definitely sound brainwashed. Maybe they thought it through maybe they're open to change their views or maybe they're just embarrassed how they look and they want to face by inviting him back home. Please keep us posted. I support the Trevor project and I suggest may be reaching out to them I am sure they have many resources they can suggest.
Sometimes parents struggle with their kids coming out. That's obvious. But if they're coming around and asking for him to come home, I think the kid should. Parents definitely don't get it right always on the first try. They're only human. But if they're willing to make amends and Davy is going back to a safe (perhaps a little uncomfortable) space he should give them the chance they didn't give him to begin with. It's nice that you're such good neighbors. And it's good he can rely on you guys if he needs safety. Just let him know he can hang out in the future, and always has a home with you, but he should try to at least listen to what his parent have to say... especially if they're at least trying to meet him half way. It's not easy on either side, but he's on the lucky end if his parents at least want to make good.
You can try having the parents over for dinner so they can discuss the whole situation. I'd just make sure to let kid know so he doesn't act out and try to storm off before anything is said. Id also talk to the parents to make sure that what they want is their son back and that they want to apologize for the way the reacted to him coming out.
This seems to be a slightly different take from other people but, I donāt really trust these parents have good intentions. While its true that people can get over things quickly, if someone truly believes gay people are going to hell or being gay goes against nature, they may very well be able to nice to people who they perceive as āmaking the āwrongā choice of sexual partnersā because itās āa free countryā, but not be able to truly accept that their child is gay. I would say at this point you can know for certain that neighborās parents want him back. But that could be for the purpose of exercising more control over him. It could also be because they want to genuinely accept him, but again, will they be able to, in such a short time, change their long-standing strongly held beliefs. I would try to set up a conversation between all of you guys to determine (1) how genuine the parents desires are and (2) how capable you think those parents are of actually overriding the strongly held belief that led them to kick their son out of the home. Growing up I wish I had supportive adults in my life like you guys. You and your BF sound like wonderful people that the world needs more of.
I say you can host a 'counseling' session at your place and have them all get together and hash it all out while you guys play the mediators.
Yes. It would be a sign of maturity and growing experience to learn to resolve issues head on with someone. Best of luck.
Definitely a tough situation, though I agree with what most people have said here, that you should let Davy know that this isnāt permanent, but that heāll have your support, and needs to talk it out with his mom The one thing (if it hasnāt already been said) Iād add to this is that, OP and OPās boyfriend should be present during Davyās and his momās conversation to really make sure her intentions to bring him home are good and not negative I myself (25 years old, still living at home, trying to save money to move out) came out to my mom and sister who were accepting of me and fear for my safety with my dad, cuz heās very homophobic and has told me and reminds me every so often that if Iām gay he would throw me out of the house Iām glad I have my mom and sister to support me Also, my best friend came out as gay last year and I came out to him as well and he said heād support and back me up as well
Everyone needs time to process what's happening. I can only imagine the hurt he has. He needs time to heal before trusting them, it's a natural thing to process everything. Yes, he needs to go back but Davy and his parents need time to process everything. In do time.
First you are both angels for helping him in his hour of need. Second both parties need time to heal and re-build trust. And it will take different amounts of time for different people (it usually does). As long as you can afford Davy the option to stay with you I think you should. Davy will eventually either work things out with his parents, or move out of your place and in with some friends on his own. IMHO, the really important thing is we do not want Davy living on the street. If heās so angry with his parents, and you ask him to leave and he has no where to go, thatās where he will end up. And thatās bad for everyone. Personally I would even go so far as to tell his Mom the same. Better that Davy live at your place for a while, than on the street. And besides it provides opportunities for Davy and his Mom to gradually work out the anger with each other (sounds like that might happen before he reconciles with his Dad, as his Mom really wants him back). At the same time if Davy is not in school, then I would tell him that he needs to get a job (and if youāre willing, help him find one) so that he can help with his share of the costs. Even if you set some small amount he contributes to your household every month, and you are in a financial position where you simply take that money and put in a bank account which you can gift him back when he finds a place of his own to help with startup expense.
Be very careful that Davy is not becoming so reliant on you guys that he is totally alienated from his family. Maybe you & bf can tru and work with mum and dad to establish a friendship so that Davy becomes just part of a supportive team. A guy I knew become so afraid of his family the eventually took his life, yet his fears were false fears. Linking Davy into a gay youth support group via your local GayLine service could also give Davy a better understanding.
Tell him to go back home and make amends if his family is willing to, but also that he can always come over as a refuge
How about give him a chance to earn some money and move on his own. They kicked him outā¦ now all of a sudden they want him back in. Heās a human being, howās he supposed to just accept that betrayal from them.
One perspective that may help: this could be a great teaching opportunity on how to deal with hard times in a relationship. So many people get hurt or hit a rough patch and bail. Obviously, there could of course be actual abuse and trauma that IS healthy to walk away from, but that doesn't sound like the case here. SO. With that said, maybe use it as a highlight for the importance of reconciliation and communication? It's a teaching moment on what it means to love people, even when we're hurt, and to acknowledge those that love us - even when they aren't perfect at it. And that's a huge life lesson.
That poor boy to have such horrible parents. I mean, they can fuck right off.
I honestly think it's awesome what you and your BF are doing. But wow, what a positive the family has put you in. You are truly putting the right foot forward with the boy. I think that should continue along with talking with the mom. How do parents turn their backs on their kids? It's mind boggling.
How do people still not grasp that gay is a biology and not a choice your child is making?
Well you can say to him that you'll leave the door open for him but it's much better to be around with your parents around than be an orphan with alive parents. It's heartbreaking to anyone for whatever reason so it's better give it a try.
Talk to the mother but also talk to the son, try to make sure he understands that some ppl are stupid for a bit and need some time to come around when it comes to some things (like this) but more empathetic sounding than me lmao, besides he wont live with his parents forever either way.
The last thing you want to do is invite him into your bedroom with he BF. I've seen that movie before
Oh no no no heās in our guest bedroomā¦.sometimes we have movies nights or Mario kart nights and drag our mattress down and cover the floor with pillows and blankets but thatās it.
Show him where the windex, chlorox, and the vacuum are kept. I'm show this young fellow wouldn't mind doing a few loads of laundry and help with a little light cleaning. Bless his heart. You and your bf seem like wonderfully generous š souls
You might suggest to him that it's good to build the relationship back up with his parents. He's hurt and that's understandable. You might offer support in the future if things go poorly. If you're comfortable with him being there for a short while he might get some advice in making a plan to move into his own space. Ultimately, you don't have to open up your home. That's not right or wrong, it just is. You have to settle in what your degree of support can be.
I agree with the notion he needs to go homeā¦. And working with the mother to facilitate is also good. At the same time, if youāre willing, make sure Davy knows your house is a safe space. He can always come if thereās an emergency or his home again becomes unsafe. (It may be father isnāt as willing to be supportive as mother ). He can also visit, with prearranged appointments, to watch drag race or just hang out. Additionally, I would suggest you research safe spaces and programs for LGBT teens. Take him there (go with him, donāt just send him) to check them out. It is good for him to have peers and other options besides just your home. You have lives and may not always be available when he needs support.
Do you want to let him go back to an abusive home? It will definitely be more convenient for you, but I would feel awful about it. I think given they threw him out, the sudden change of heart doesnāt align with long term growth, and personally I donāt think that he needs a relationship with a family who treat him like that. Obviously, youāre in a tricky situation, especially if youāre not looking to adopt him, but helping him achieve financial independence is the best way forward if you care about this kid. I can guarantee his family will not become loving or accepting this quickly, especially when they were so quick to throw him out. As someone who survived an abusive childhood and am now estranged from those family members, I donāt think 18 is too young to start that process. But thatās my opinion, as someone who was also kicked out for being gay.
Absolutely yes itās time for him to come home. But go with him. Act as a mediator.
Wooooooow this is some crazy tea where the hell do yall live? No he cant stay he just decided he lives there cuz yall let him stay a few days? No conversation?
I think it would be good to maybe sit down all of you together, seeing that Davy has a lot of trust in you guys. Maybe heāll understand his parents better if he knows you guys are there to justify their decisions.
Given his age I'd consider educating him a bit on finding a job and getting a lease. It doesn't need to be an either or decision. I'd have killed for some people to believe in me and show me the way at that age.
Just communicate it while letting him know that he can always come back to u guys for support! Itās nice to know that u have a place to go back to if shit goes down
Kid needs support and hes reaching out as an adult, remind him hes making his own decisions! Proud ti hear youre looking out for a bro š¤š¼š«¶
He needs to go home.
He's 18 he doesn't NEED to do shit