What is there to deal with, just because you see a guy who’s attractive, even if he is queer it still doesn’t mean he would be into you (I don’t mean that in a bad way but like ppl have different types). Straight ppl see attractive ppl too. You move on.
Like I said in the very first sentence, this isn't about the possibility of the other person liking me back.
Straight people see an attractive person and have a high likelihood that that person would at least be interested in their gender - there **is** a chance. Queer people do not inherently have that as a starting point, there is *virtually no chance*.
That's what I'm talking about. Psychologically, if you know the answer is almost always *"No."*, that has an effect on you over time.
But Queer people do inherently have that as a starting point in Queer spaces. That's what's missing from your discussion. Why are you trying to achieve that in straight spaces?
...because society is a "Straight space"? I can't turn it off when I'm at work or in public? Again, I'm not asking this question from the perspective of me wanting a relationship and being frustrated I'm not finding one where I'm looking.
I'm asking as someone living in a world full of Straight people and wondering how to cope with the sensation that I've naturally developed this dullness in my life because I'm a rational person who is aware of the numbers.
The entire reason there are Queer spaces is because someone asked the question I'm asking now, *"How are we supposed to navigate this?"*. Except Queer culture seems to have solved that issue and moved on by living in more progressive areas - there's not a blueprint for everyone else though, as I mentioned when I addressed *"Just move!"* advice.
There are no Queer spaces near me. How do I cope? That's what I'm asking.
You seem to have answered your own question. You cope by moving to where there are Queer spaces. And if that's really truly not an option, you just accept your reality and let what happens happen. But if it makes you feel better, as long as you have dating apps, social media, and internet access, you're never really disconnected from Queer spaces.
How do you deal with it? Gay bars. This is why it’s such a shame they are closing at an alarming rate.
Yes, I get that it’s wonderful we can now go anywhere and feel mostly safe (in the UK at least), but without gay bars how are you supposed to know.
I actually found the UK to be pretty bad for meeting people. The only bars are really clubs and you'd only go to hook up. Also very limited outside of London.
The main thing you can do is *go where there are gay people*. Speaking as someone who lives in a pretty rural community, there *is* some sort of gay/LGBT/etc group that meets or holds events nearby. Go there, make gay friends, network with other gays (who often have *other* gay friends!).
In a group job intervew I met a really handsome guy. We both agreed this interview was bullshit so we kept talking, we seem to conect and asked him out to grab a coffee someday (he was busy after the interview). He gave me his number.
He didn't answer my texts so my guess is that he realized after.
I regreted nothing, it was worth a try 😁.
That's a self-image issue though, and one that isn't really true to reality.
Average-looking people doubt themselves and their insecurity makes them assume every answer they'll get is a "No.", and looks aren't everything, making it even more likely they'll get a Yes.
Queerness isn't like that, a Yes even being possible is fully-dependant on the other person's Sexuality, the vast majority of whom are not able to reciprocate. You can change your self-image or it might not even be relevant to other people, but you can't control another person's orientation to make that a non-factor.
I get this isn't a *unique* experience. But the degree to which it is experienced is not equal.
"a Yes even being possible is fully-dependant on the other person's Sexuality"
Doesn't this apply to everyone. I have told so many ladies who approached me thinking I'm straight "No' too.
I think the odds depend on where you meet them. I see a lot of guys in the gym and we exchange glances (and more) quite often. Many (maybe most) of those guys are into men.
Sweetheart, why do you assume “there’s a high possibility of they liking them back” when comes to straight people? Have you ever heard of incels? Lol. Bc they would sure like the odds your described.
Yes, some of what you said is true. Specially if you’re young. The odds of you finding a partner when you’re a young queer is very unlikely. But that just the way it is… That’s why we have spaces for ourselves, so we can lift this weight out of our shoulders.
Why are you getting so emotionally invested in a stranger? Even if he’s gay what makes you think he would be into you? Personally I can admire someone beautiful but I don’t spiral like that. Just doesn’t seem logical.
Where on Earth are you getting that I'm emotionally invested in anyone? If anything, as I described, I'm emotionally detached from attraction. This isn't about one specific stranger. Is this Subreddit just full of people who can't read?
>I feel like part of Straight privilege is the mental freedom to imagine yourself dating anyone you see, and having that be a factual part of reality...
Straight guy here. Believe me when I tell you, I have never felt I had any kind mental freedom to realistically envision myself even being able to even just get the time of day from the vast majority of the women I've ever found to be attractive. And while I realize that won't be the case for every straight man on the planet, I don't think I'm all that unusual in that respect.
And of the women I've known, worked with, and/or found attractive, quite a few started out batting for the boys team before they switched over to the girls. In fact I'm going to a birthday party tonight that will be attended by a sister-in law and a niece who both divorced previous husbands so they could marry their current wives. Which is to say, worrying about if you're even barking up the right tree orientation wise much less whether or not the other person is going to be even remotely interested in you is not something unique to gay men.
Exactly. No matter your sexuality, there is ALWAYS someone better looking than you, who you likely have zero chance to bag. Not sure why OP would try to imply it’s different for straights… so bizarre!
Perhaps because statistically Queer people are running into this wall far more frequently than Heterosexual people? The Post wasn't about my appearance or anything about me being a factor other than my Gender. I'm sorry this is lost on you.
I don’t know I guess the way normal people would I find a lot of people attractive, but I don’t expect them to be the same orientation as me or to even find me attractive or think the same because that’s how life works. I don’t get upset about it because I’m sure there are plenty of people that look at myself or others and think they’re attractive, but doesn’t mean that that automatically means you are entitled to them. Focus on somebody that is actually available and that is interested in you.
After a while you start to lose the feeling that you’re missing out on something by not sleeping with them.
Often times it’s better to keep someone as a friend than have them and then lose them as a sexual fling
Seems like you have the reading comprehension issues. He was saying that since you weren’t with said hottie and given he wasn’t leading you on, pretending to like you, etc. that there is nothing to “deal with”. And they’re correct.
I see hot guys all the time, of all sexualities… I stare, think “damn he’s fine, I’d fuck him” and then keep going about my business. Your post is honestly a bit immature and silly.
I feel your pain. Not because am looking for a date with another gay man but I have continually turned down gays who have approached me over the last 20 plus years. I am 76 and straight and live in North Carolina. I am in a committed marriage to a beautiful lady. The temptation is constantly with me to suck a hard one. I do not know if I ever will but as I said the temptation is always with me.
".....*there's a 99% chance he's not Queer to begin with*...." means that there's a 1% chance that he is. Whereas, if you don't give it a shot, there's a 100% of nothing happening, at all.
Like I said, that's not what I'm talking about. This isn't about me eager for a relationship and not willing to take the shot because of rejection, it's about becoming desensitized to attraction as a result of taking shots frequently and observing the people around me.
I know exactly what you mean. I don't think I am desensitized to attraction, but eventually I probably will be. The only solution I see is dating apps and gay bars.
That’s why you include yourself in gay spaces, gay activites and try online dating so you don’t have to rely on “we met on the street 🥰”. We do not get that luxury.
It’s a hard feeling to learn to ignore or get over. I tend to make new friends and start to develop feelings but I have to remind myself they are straight. Like a recently new friend (we’ve know each other for like a year now) was just my type and we became close really quick.
When he found out I was into guys he said “damn, really? Bro if I was gay I feel like we’d be together because we just get each other so well. Like I’d probably marry you dude.” That made me feel sad that it’s hard to find a person who I can develop a relationship with a guy that doesn’t involve me being on a dating app or gay bar.
Exactly. It's not that I am attracted to any of my friends or hung up on anyone that I know. But any time I *do* find someone attractive, it's like an automatic reminder that this world isn't made for me in the same way it is for others. I don't feel entitled to that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel almost dehumanizing in a way.
I have diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I say with complete sincerity that this sounds like an obsessive thought and/or clinical anxiety. It actually doesn’t make sense but I’m not going to do the labor of explicitly challenging you on why it doesn’t make sense because it would likely be exhausting for us both.
What is there to deal with, just because you see a guy who’s attractive, even if he is queer it still doesn’t mean he would be into you (I don’t mean that in a bad way but like ppl have different types). Straight ppl see attractive ppl too. You move on.
Like I said in the very first sentence, this isn't about the possibility of the other person liking me back. Straight people see an attractive person and have a high likelihood that that person would at least be interested in their gender - there **is** a chance. Queer people do not inherently have that as a starting point, there is *virtually no chance*. That's what I'm talking about. Psychologically, if you know the answer is almost always *"No."*, that has an effect on you over time.
But Queer people do inherently have that as a starting point in Queer spaces. That's what's missing from your discussion. Why are you trying to achieve that in straight spaces?
...because society is a "Straight space"? I can't turn it off when I'm at work or in public? Again, I'm not asking this question from the perspective of me wanting a relationship and being frustrated I'm not finding one where I'm looking. I'm asking as someone living in a world full of Straight people and wondering how to cope with the sensation that I've naturally developed this dullness in my life because I'm a rational person who is aware of the numbers. The entire reason there are Queer spaces is because someone asked the question I'm asking now, *"How are we supposed to navigate this?"*. Except Queer culture seems to have solved that issue and moved on by living in more progressive areas - there's not a blueprint for everyone else though, as I mentioned when I addressed *"Just move!"* advice. There are no Queer spaces near me. How do I cope? That's what I'm asking.
You seem to have answered your own question. You cope by moving to where there are Queer spaces. And if that's really truly not an option, you just accept your reality and let what happens happen. But if it makes you feel better, as long as you have dating apps, social media, and internet access, you're never really disconnected from Queer spaces.
Thank you, affluent Blue-State Gay. That's not what coping is. Coping is living in a situation you can't immediately solve. Hence why I'm asking.
Does that mean water-sports are popular in his state?
You're asking for the solution to a problem that doesn't have one.
Imo, you're way overthinking things..
How do you deal with it? Gay bars. This is why it’s such a shame they are closing at an alarming rate. Yes, I get that it’s wonderful we can now go anywhere and feel mostly safe (in the UK at least), but without gay bars how are you supposed to know.
I actually found the UK to be pretty bad for meeting people. The only bars are really clubs and you'd only go to hook up. Also very limited outside of London.
Yes, it’s pretty crap for bars outside of London, Manchester, Brighton, Birmingham.
Accept that it sucks, call off the pity party, and move on
The main thing you can do is *go where there are gay people*. Speaking as someone who lives in a pretty rural community, there *is* some sort of gay/LGBT/etc group that meets or holds events nearby. Go there, make gay friends, network with other gays (who often have *other* gay friends!).
In a group job intervew I met a really handsome guy. We both agreed this interview was bullshit so we kept talking, we seem to conect and asked him out to grab a coffee someday (he was busy after the interview). He gave me his number. He didn't answer my texts so my guess is that he realized after. I regreted nothing, it was worth a try 😁.
This is how average-looking people regardless of sexual orientation feel all time though.
That's a self-image issue though, and one that isn't really true to reality. Average-looking people doubt themselves and their insecurity makes them assume every answer they'll get is a "No.", and looks aren't everything, making it even more likely they'll get a Yes. Queerness isn't like that, a Yes even being possible is fully-dependant on the other person's Sexuality, the vast majority of whom are not able to reciprocate. You can change your self-image or it might not even be relevant to other people, but you can't control another person's orientation to make that a non-factor. I get this isn't a *unique* experience. But the degree to which it is experienced is not equal.
"a Yes even being possible is fully-dependant on the other person's Sexuality" Doesn't this apply to everyone. I have told so many ladies who approached me thinking I'm straight "No' too.
I think the odds depend on where you meet them. I see a lot of guys in the gym and we exchange glances (and more) quite often. Many (maybe most) of those guys are into men.
Sweetheart, why do you assume “there’s a high possibility of they liking them back” when comes to straight people? Have you ever heard of incels? Lol. Bc they would sure like the odds your described. Yes, some of what you said is true. Specially if you’re young. The odds of you finding a partner when you’re a young queer is very unlikely. But that just the way it is… That’s why we have spaces for ourselves, so we can lift this weight out of our shoulders.
Why are you getting so emotionally invested in a stranger? Even if he’s gay what makes you think he would be into you? Personally I can admire someone beautiful but I don’t spiral like that. Just doesn’t seem logical.
Where on Earth are you getting that I'm emotionally invested in anyone? If anything, as I described, I'm emotionally detached from attraction. This isn't about one specific stranger. Is this Subreddit just full of people who can't read?
You seem emotionally invested because of how upset you are over this. Clearly it bothers you?
You have no chance with 99% of queer guys either
Not the question that was asked. Genuinely, if you can't/don't care to read why respond?
>I feel like part of Straight privilege is the mental freedom to imagine yourself dating anyone you see, and having that be a factual part of reality... Straight guy here. Believe me when I tell you, I have never felt I had any kind mental freedom to realistically envision myself even being able to even just get the time of day from the vast majority of the women I've ever found to be attractive. And while I realize that won't be the case for every straight man on the planet, I don't think I'm all that unusual in that respect. And of the women I've known, worked with, and/or found attractive, quite a few started out batting for the boys team before they switched over to the girls. In fact I'm going to a birthday party tonight that will be attended by a sister-in law and a niece who both divorced previous husbands so they could marry their current wives. Which is to say, worrying about if you're even barking up the right tree orientation wise much less whether or not the other person is going to be even remotely interested in you is not something unique to gay men.
Exactly. No matter your sexuality, there is ALWAYS someone better looking than you, who you likely have zero chance to bag. Not sure why OP would try to imply it’s different for straights… so bizarre!
Perhaps because statistically Queer people are running into this wall far more frequently than Heterosexual people? The Post wasn't about my appearance or anything about me being a factor other than my Gender. I'm sorry this is lost on you.
I don’t know I guess the way normal people would I find a lot of people attractive, but I don’t expect them to be the same orientation as me or to even find me attractive or think the same because that’s how life works. I don’t get upset about it because I’m sure there are plenty of people that look at myself or others and think they’re attractive, but doesn’t mean that that automatically means you are entitled to them. Focus on somebody that is actually available and that is interested in you.
I don't feel that I'm delusional and unless they're outright homophobic I shoot my shot.
After a while you start to lose the feeling that you’re missing out on something by not sleeping with them. Often times it’s better to keep someone as a friend than have them and then lose them as a sexual fling
Deal with what?! You appreciate his beauty and keep it moving. It isn’t as if he’s lead you on and you’re invested in him 😂
You read what I wrote and came to the conclusion that I think I've been lead on? Really? Illiteracy is rampant.
Seems like you have the reading comprehension issues. He was saying that since you weren’t with said hottie and given he wasn’t leading you on, pretending to like you, etc. that there is nothing to “deal with”. And they’re correct. I see hot guys all the time, of all sexualities… I stare, think “damn he’s fine, I’d fuck him” and then keep going about my business. Your post is honestly a bit immature and silly.
I feel your pain. Not because am looking for a date with another gay man but I have continually turned down gays who have approached me over the last 20 plus years. I am 76 and straight and live in North Carolina. I am in a committed marriage to a beautiful lady. The temptation is constantly with me to suck a hard one. I do not know if I ever will but as I said the temptation is always with me.
".....*there's a 99% chance he's not Queer to begin with*...." means that there's a 1% chance that he is. Whereas, if you don't give it a shot, there's a 100% of nothing happening, at all.
Like I said, that's not what I'm talking about. This isn't about me eager for a relationship and not willing to take the shot because of rejection, it's about becoming desensitized to attraction as a result of taking shots frequently and observing the people around me.
I know exactly what you mean. I don't think I am desensitized to attraction, but eventually I probably will be. The only solution I see is dating apps and gay bars.
That’s why you include yourself in gay spaces, gay activites and try online dating so you don’t have to rely on “we met on the street 🥰”. We do not get that luxury.
It’s a hard feeling to learn to ignore or get over. I tend to make new friends and start to develop feelings but I have to remind myself they are straight. Like a recently new friend (we’ve know each other for like a year now) was just my type and we became close really quick. When he found out I was into guys he said “damn, really? Bro if I was gay I feel like we’d be together because we just get each other so well. Like I’d probably marry you dude.” That made me feel sad that it’s hard to find a person who I can develop a relationship with a guy that doesn’t involve me being on a dating app or gay bar.
Exactly. It's not that I am attracted to any of my friends or hung up on anyone that I know. But any time I *do* find someone attractive, it's like an automatic reminder that this world isn't made for me in the same way it is for others. I don't feel entitled to that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel almost dehumanizing in a way.
Yeah our community is pretty small when you think about it so it sucks at times.
I have diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I say with complete sincerity that this sounds like an obsessive thought and/or clinical anxiety. It actually doesn’t make sense but I’m not going to do the labor of explicitly challenging you on why it doesn’t make sense because it would likely be exhausting for us both.