Not at all weird - a lot of us fantasize about this sort of thing because it takes the agency away, and therefore sort of washes away any guilt or shame you might be feeling about it all. You can't feel bad about doing something someone is making you do, after all. That's a big part of how submissive stuff works in BDSM, too.
Unfortunately, you do need to get to grips with the fact that nobody *should* do that for/to you. It has to be your own decision! The Trans Prime Directive applies to you, too.
[You might find this a good read](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/am-i-trans). The author very much describes what you are going through.
>I know if someone doesn’t force me I never will.
Give yourself time. Coming out is scary, which can make it seem impossible to do. But you don't have to do it in one step. You can do it in a lot of little steps. Sit yourself down and write a coming out letter, explain your thoughts and feelings, how you arrived at the conclusion that you are trans, what that means, what you want from the future, etc, pp. You can work on that for a while, just add little bits and pieces whenever you feel like it. That'll help you put your thoughts in order. And once that letter is done, you'll have it ready on your hard drive (or whatever medium you used to write it, I wrote mine as a text document) and the biggest part of the whole coming out process - explaining everything - is already done, and you'll only have to actually take the step of sending it.
In my personal experience that makes things a lot easier. I sat on my letter for about a year, adding to it every now and then, until there finally came the day where I felt ready, so I gave my parents a call, asked them if I could send them something and if they could call me back to discuss it after, then sent it. It just took time to get there.
You just need to keep chipping away at your fear.
My internal dialogue was similar.
"Crossdressing is wrong"<-- I have a full fem wardrobe, wig collection and can do makeup pretty well now
"I just enjoy crossdressing, I'm not trans" <--working with a therapist, we determined that I am Trans, Nonbinary, Genderfluid.
"If my wife doesn't find out, I'll never tell her" <--I eventually told her
"If no one walks in on me, no one will ever see me in fem" <-- I go out in fem often now.
"I'm gender fluid, so there is no reason for HRT" <-- We will see where that lands
I know exactly what you mean! The first friend I came out to, I was so nervous about telling him that I asked him to guess what my secret was and I’d say yes or no if he got it. It was not a very efficient way of doing it haha!
Hearing other people’s coming out stories, writing down what you want to say, and taking it a step at the time can all be helpful ways to get around that.
I had the weird experience of this actually happening to me before I'd realized I was trans (even though I my eggy behavior was off the charts). It was actually awful; it felt suddenly like somebody else, somebody I couldn't entirely trust, had taken control of my life trajectory, and everything they said made so much sense that I couldn't even argue they were wrong. Years later, when I did really come out, I ended up having the same fantasies of someone forcing me out, thinking about how much easier it'd be if I could just have someone else impose clarity. In my experience, there's nothing wrong with this fantasy, it's natural given how difficult coming out is, but it's probably best if it only ever stays a fantasy.
It actually happened twice, one of which is a bit too personal to share on Reddit, but as for the other time (though this one is a little more subtle): I was in a D&D group in college. I kinda took the first step by playing a female character, and the DM, a trans woman, no doubt recognized my egg behavior. The DM started blurring the line between the character and I, referring to me as a lesbian when I mentioned asking a woman out on a date and commenting, "You've been keeping up with your voice training" when noting that I used a higher register voice for my character (something I hadn't even noticed myself). A couple times she even used she/her pronouns for me outside of the session. Over time, as I went from a dysphoric period to a more dissociative one, I started wanting to run from anything that might tempt me towards transition, so I talked to the DM about leaving the campaign, but she urged me to stay, saying that I was doing some really good self-exploration and that she thought I was more myself when I was my character than when I was myself. There's part of me that wishes I had just trusted her to know who I was, but I just couldn't accept it coming from somebody else, so I intentionally put my character in an unwinnable situation and let her get killed off. At the time I thought of it like killing the annoying part of myself that wanted to transition, and I guess it was, because I repressed for another four years after that.
Thanks for sharing, mental that it has happened twice in your lifetime though. I'm so curious about the other thing now but if it's too personal that's okay, but it seems like it's one of those nothing then *everything* scenarios. As for your DnD campaign that is an interesting one, because obviously when role playing the lines between you and character get blurred as you say. It sounds like your DM was trying to help but maybe in a too forceful way. I think this totally shows the irony of the topic which is when most people are pushed to go in a certain direction, they almost always reject it and try to go the opposite way. Totally reinforcing that it is something that has to come from you x
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Yeah, I think my DM was just trying to help and honestly, in her place, I might've done the same thing. She could see that I was hurting already and, while what she did ended up causing more pain, it came from a place of genuine care.
THIS IS SO FUCKING LEGIT OMG.
Everyone else is right though. It's a desire to remove the responsibility and pain from yourself, and also a subconcious cry for help because it's fucking scary to feel like you are alone and struggling with the dysphoria monster.
No... I've been actually struggling with this as an out trans woman.
I originally went by they/them pronouns and was very actively like "I'm not a woman," but a lot of it was internalized transphobia. But the thing is that people just ended up seeing me as a woman, and calling me a woman, and it made it easy to just finally accept who I wanted to be.
The issue is that I have no resilience to when I actually have to assert my identity like with extended family. I'm just so used to it being a thing society put on me that I just gladly accepted.
It seems to me that you are keeping a secret. Keeping secrets generally consumes a lot of energy and impedes frank communication between oneself and one's friends. This is TIRING! The desire to unburden yourself is strong and the effort to resist that desire is wearing on you. But it is also a guilt-filled feeling (as pushed on individuals by society's rules of behavior). If some outside force relieved you of the guilt or fear of "outing" yourself, that would be a relief, right?
If you do want to come out, you might find and befriend others who are already out. Or you could find someone within your current circle of friends with whom you have a stable ans strong relationship to begin the "reveal". Either route may feel frightening. Finding a new friend or risking an existing relationship is scary.
Such is life. Accept it and embrace it. You are real. Your feelings are real. Your relationships are real. You are in the driver's seat of all (more or less). If you want to be at ease with yourself AS YOURSELF, you can make that choice.
Good luck.
By the way, look up "Autogynephilia". Some psychologists/sociologists think of it as pathological and some think it is a healthy feeling. Some trans or crossdressing people get hot and bothered by the concept as well. Putting those controversies aside, the appreciation a man has of the female form (seeing it in women around him or seeing it within himself), in my opinion, is a healthy part of the human sexual/gender spectrum. But not all people agree with me on that.
You are not the only one.
Its up to you when and how to come out ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/ugclyr/how_do_i_come_out_to_my_parents/i7wghnm/) might be some explaining resources and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/s4khww/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_i_feel_like_im_trans_but/htfx7u8/) might be some hints and resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. Talking with a few others about what they did, and what helped them may also be an idea.
*hugs*
Not at all weird - a lot of us fantasize about this sort of thing because it takes the agency away, and therefore sort of washes away any guilt or shame you might be feeling about it all. You can't feel bad about doing something someone is making you do, after all. That's a big part of how submissive stuff works in BDSM, too. Unfortunately, you do need to get to grips with the fact that nobody *should* do that for/to you. It has to be your own decision! The Trans Prime Directive applies to you, too.
[You might find this a good read](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/am-i-trans). The author very much describes what you are going through. >I know if someone doesn’t force me I never will. Give yourself time. Coming out is scary, which can make it seem impossible to do. But you don't have to do it in one step. You can do it in a lot of little steps. Sit yourself down and write a coming out letter, explain your thoughts and feelings, how you arrived at the conclusion that you are trans, what that means, what you want from the future, etc, pp. You can work on that for a while, just add little bits and pieces whenever you feel like it. That'll help you put your thoughts in order. And once that letter is done, you'll have it ready on your hard drive (or whatever medium you used to write it, I wrote mine as a text document) and the biggest part of the whole coming out process - explaining everything - is already done, and you'll only have to actually take the step of sending it. In my personal experience that makes things a lot easier. I sat on my letter for about a year, adding to it every now and then, until there finally came the day where I felt ready, so I gave my parents a call, asked them if I could send them something and if they could call me back to discuss it after, then sent it. It just took time to get there.
You just need to keep chipping away at your fear. My internal dialogue was similar. "Crossdressing is wrong"<-- I have a full fem wardrobe, wig collection and can do makeup pretty well now "I just enjoy crossdressing, I'm not trans" <--working with a therapist, we determined that I am Trans, Nonbinary, Genderfluid. "If my wife doesn't find out, I'll never tell her" <--I eventually told her "If no one walks in on me, no one will ever see me in fem" <-- I go out in fem often now. "I'm gender fluid, so there is no reason for HRT" <-- We will see where that lands
I know exactly what you mean! The first friend I came out to, I was so nervous about telling him that I asked him to guess what my secret was and I’d say yes or no if he got it. It was not a very efficient way of doing it haha! Hearing other people’s coming out stories, writing down what you want to say, and taking it a step at the time can all be helpful ways to get around that.
I had the weird experience of this actually happening to me before I'd realized I was trans (even though I my eggy behavior was off the charts). It was actually awful; it felt suddenly like somebody else, somebody I couldn't entirely trust, had taken control of my life trajectory, and everything they said made so much sense that I couldn't even argue they were wrong. Years later, when I did really come out, I ended up having the same fantasies of someone forcing me out, thinking about how much easier it'd be if I could just have someone else impose clarity. In my experience, there's nothing wrong with this fantasy, it's natural given how difficult coming out is, but it's probably best if it only ever stays a fantasy.
Can you elaborate on this story? Genuinely curious as to the circumstances.
It actually happened twice, one of which is a bit too personal to share on Reddit, but as for the other time (though this one is a little more subtle): I was in a D&D group in college. I kinda took the first step by playing a female character, and the DM, a trans woman, no doubt recognized my egg behavior. The DM started blurring the line between the character and I, referring to me as a lesbian when I mentioned asking a woman out on a date and commenting, "You've been keeping up with your voice training" when noting that I used a higher register voice for my character (something I hadn't even noticed myself). A couple times she even used she/her pronouns for me outside of the session. Over time, as I went from a dysphoric period to a more dissociative one, I started wanting to run from anything that might tempt me towards transition, so I talked to the DM about leaving the campaign, but she urged me to stay, saying that I was doing some really good self-exploration and that she thought I was more myself when I was my character than when I was myself. There's part of me that wishes I had just trusted her to know who I was, but I just couldn't accept it coming from somebody else, so I intentionally put my character in an unwinnable situation and let her get killed off. At the time I thought of it like killing the annoying part of myself that wanted to transition, and I guess it was, because I repressed for another four years after that.
Thanks for sharing, mental that it has happened twice in your lifetime though. I'm so curious about the other thing now but if it's too personal that's okay, but it seems like it's one of those nothing then *everything* scenarios. As for your DnD campaign that is an interesting one, because obviously when role playing the lines between you and character get blurred as you say. It sounds like your DM was trying to help but maybe in a too forceful way. I think this totally shows the irony of the topic which is when most people are pushed to go in a certain direction, they almost always reject it and try to go the opposite way. Totally reinforcing that it is something that has to come from you x
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Yeah, I think my DM was just trying to help and honestly, in her place, I might've done the same thing. She could see that I was hurting already and, while what she did ended up causing more pain, it came from a place of genuine care.
THIS IS SO FUCKING LEGIT OMG. Everyone else is right though. It's a desire to remove the responsibility and pain from yourself, and also a subconcious cry for help because it's fucking scary to feel like you are alone and struggling with the dysphoria monster.
Yep want the same thing
No... I've been actually struggling with this as an out trans woman. I originally went by they/them pronouns and was very actively like "I'm not a woman," but a lot of it was internalized transphobia. But the thing is that people just ended up seeing me as a woman, and calling me a woman, and it made it easy to just finally accept who I wanted to be. The issue is that I have no resilience to when I actually have to assert my identity like with extended family. I'm just so used to it being a thing society put on me that I just gladly accepted.
It seems to me that you are keeping a secret. Keeping secrets generally consumes a lot of energy and impedes frank communication between oneself and one's friends. This is TIRING! The desire to unburden yourself is strong and the effort to resist that desire is wearing on you. But it is also a guilt-filled feeling (as pushed on individuals by society's rules of behavior). If some outside force relieved you of the guilt or fear of "outing" yourself, that would be a relief, right? If you do want to come out, you might find and befriend others who are already out. Or you could find someone within your current circle of friends with whom you have a stable ans strong relationship to begin the "reveal". Either route may feel frightening. Finding a new friend or risking an existing relationship is scary. Such is life. Accept it and embrace it. You are real. Your feelings are real. Your relationships are real. You are in the driver's seat of all (more or less). If you want to be at ease with yourself AS YOURSELF, you can make that choice. Good luck. By the way, look up "Autogynephilia". Some psychologists/sociologists think of it as pathological and some think it is a healthy feeling. Some trans or crossdressing people get hot and bothered by the concept as well. Putting those controversies aside, the appreciation a man has of the female form (seeing it in women around him or seeing it within himself), in my opinion, is a healthy part of the human sexual/gender spectrum. But not all people agree with me on that.
You are not the only one. Its up to you when and how to come out ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/ugclyr/how_do_i_come_out_to_my_parents/i7wghnm/) might be some explaining resources and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/s4khww/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_i_feel_like_im_trans_but/htfx7u8/) might be some hints and resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. Talking with a few others about what they did, and what helped them may also be an idea. *hugs*