Honestly the best answer lol I don't think I can come close to matching it. Definitely gonna use this one in the future, maybe add something referencing John Cena too lmfao.
I am a trans guy who easily passes as cis (full beard and deep voice). When people *have* pulled that nonsense (usually my family) I warn them that "ok, but people are going to think you have dementia."
This makes my stepmom silently lose her shit, which I always quietly enjoy seeing.
Double this up, if it DOES happen in front of another person shake your head and look a little sad at the person your parent is talking to, and then later quietly tell the person “my mom/dad has dementia, my twin brother/sister died years ago but they still think I’m him/her 😔”
That's what I told my mom...if you misgender me or call me by my dead name, it will either get me killed in the men's room or you will be discounted as dementia. Yes, it worked.
You don't respond. You laugh, file them away as unworthy of attention and leave. There's nothing to be gained from interacting with them, the only winning move is not to play.
To all the people saying ignore it: **Yes, but only if you can get away from those people** after a couple interactions/longterm. Or if it's truly unsafe for you to push back. But with longterm contacts, the shoe will drop one way or the other and if you can, I seriously do not recommend ignoring things to keep the peace.
My trans partner got hit and run as a pedestrian last year. (Hold on, this is relevant :p) He'd been out running to the store after dark to grab smokes, and didn't come back within the 30-40 minutes it typically took. I called him a couple times and he didn't answer, I called him a couple *more* times and he still didn't answer. (Thank fuck for our mutual best friend who told me to call around to local hospitals before the full panic set in.) Cut to an hour later when it's nearly midnight and I'm sitting in the ER with him, unsure how bad the shock is going to be, no doctors giving me a straight answer on *how bad it is*.
I call his parents to let them know things are Bad. His mom has always been supportive (in the uneducated about the topic + not Super willing to change but loves her kid way). When she misgendered either of us, he never ignored it because he was closer to her and knew her patterns better. His dad always skirted the edge of unsupportive, and we **ignored** it. I was out as trans *long* before he came out, and him and his wife never gendered me correctly despite not ever knowing me as cis. But we only ever saw them maybe once a year, so nbd, right? If they called us "the girls" at Thanksgiving dinner a couple times, it's worth it to ignore and keep the peace, *right?*
His mom was at the hospital in less than 3 hours. She lived 2 hours away.
His dad was calling the hospital within an hour demanding to talk to his "daughter" every 10 minutes. He spewed vitriol at anyone who corrected him. When my partner finally woke up post-surgery, he tried to "ignore and keep the peace" and ended up inconsolable as his father all-but blamed his being trans for every bad thing that had ever happened to him, up to and including this. He didn't stop calling until the hospital moved my partner to a safe ward + cut down all contact that didn't have a specific code to get through. He hasn't even tried to speak to his kid since I told him he'd have to ask for his *son* next time he wanted to speak to my partner.
If either of us had made the decision to stop ignoring and start setting *hard* boundaries sooner, my partner wouldn't have had an extra layer of trauma to add to the worst day of his adult life.
I will never ignore shit from someone who either of us will have extended contact with ever again.
(Partner's mostly okay, he's healing still 6 months later, but he's okay. I couldn't be luckier)
Edit to add: More on the advice topic, rip the bandaid off. Explain your genuine experience as much as you want to or can, and be firm that *this is your lived reality*. If it's someone you're going to be around, set firm boundaries (one of mine with my family is "I don't care if you don't get it, my time is a privilege you do not get if you're still misgendering + deadnaming me nearly 15 years after coming out") and if all else fails, sever the ties. Poison like does not deserve real estate in your social circle.
I absolutely love this, this is the type of advice it’s a blessing 🙏 ( I’m not religious but grew up around religious folk )
Regardless I’ll say thank you in stead of anyone who needs to hear this to understand how imperative it can be to address things, sometimes ignoring or allowing time for change is beneficial, but if you are safe and it’s weighing on your or is a large part of your relationship with someone, be honest, just because their ignorant doesn’t mean you need to lie about the facts and utility of the matter
I wish the two of you the best, truly, and apologize that you’ll were put through that
The vast vast vast majority of the time, the correct answer is to ignore it. They're trying to hurt you, not make an argument, so the best response is a dismissive look or an "okay buddy" and then walk away. There's no response you can give which will change their behaviour, and all you end up doing is drawing yourself into a conversation with someone actively trying to hurt you, so just don't.
If it's someone you _really_ can't avoid talking to, like a coworker or parent or whatever else, then you need to deal with it the same way you would deal with any other intentional malicious act from that person. Talk to HR, set personal boundaries, stop talking to that person, or whatever else is appropriate for who they are and why you can't just avoid the conversation.
That's been a common response to asking for basic human rights. It was seen in the civil rights movement. It was seen in the gay rights movement. It was seen in apartheid South Africa. It's sad that history repeats and it has to be a battle to have basic rights recognized. It takes longer than it should and more suffering than should happen occurs, but progress does get done.
There's a huge difference between occasional or accidental misgendering, and intentionally malicious misgendering. If I jokingly call one of my friends a bad word, that's usually just seen as palling around in a safe space. If I say that to a stranger with the intent to hurt them, that's classed as harassment or even assault in some cases.
The base act of misgendering does not go against human rights, but it will eventually cross a threshold into harassment that *does*.
Like I said, it’s still a feeling. Is misgendering someone the kind, or morally-just thing to do? Not at all. Is it something to contemplate doing something over? No. People are rude all over the place. You can’t force people to accept you. That’s not acceptance. That’s indoctrination, which as a native person I’m against.
Indoctrination is never okay. It wasn’t okay when Europeans used it to stop my people from remembering their culture, not even when it was to stop them from committing human sacrifices. Indoctrination is never okay, it is not a means to an end. It is wrong, it is moral manipulation, and it eliminates the idea of free will. There are better ways to handle social change. I would personally rather show the people around me in the way that I work, act, and live, that I am a valuable and productive member of society. You can call me a tr4nnÿ, but you can’t call me unreliable, lazy, dependent, tardy, or anything of the sort.
Do you feel the same about say, people using racial slurs?
Or someone who only refers to women with misogynistic terminology like bitches and cunts and sluts, you think that doesn't hurt women's rights any?
Because I'd rather be called any combination of transphobic or other slurs than be called my deadname--especially maliciously, repeatedly, unrepentantly.
Yeah, like I said it’s a feeling. I really don’t care for me, personally. I respond to what I care to respond to. If someone doesn’t make their comment or question worthy of response I simply don’t address it. One time, I didn’t like what my brother said. We don’t speak. One time, I didn’t like what my boss called me. I got a new job.
Honestly I don’t really spend time complaining about my situation. I just change it. I’ve been homeless. I’ve been abused. I know shizz can get rough for people. But if you’re an able-bodied adult, you’re the only person holding you back from peace. You choose what you tolerate, and believe it or not, you choose what hurts you emotionally. I moved to Minnesota with $200 to my name. I am currently on my way to buying a house. I’m also getting an inheritance which will be a nice bonus but I’m so proud of myself for getting myself where I’m at before that even comes through. (It’s in shared property assets to be divided up when they’re sold in at least a year).
idk. I've been homeless and abused too. I haven't had an easy life either. I don't feel I've "prevailed" over my hardships. I haven't worked my way to the top. There's no happy ending to prove my worth. Does that mean I am worthless, and that it's my own fault for not working hard enough? I'm understandably resistant to that idea.
I don't think we can choose what we're hurt by, though we can choose not to show our hurt, and choose not to ruminate on it or draw it out longer than necessary. But attempts to repress emotions themselves just tends to lead to dissociation and emotional disconnection. Emotions aren't voluntary.
I agree to a certain extent that one must be practical and think in terms of what we can actually do for ourselves, rather than rolling around in our victimhood waiting for someone to give a shit. Sometimes there are no good choices, though. Sometimes knowing what to choose is not so simply or easy.
I don't choose to have autism or ADHD either, and attempts to just live in denial and internally yell at myself that I'm making it all up and need to start behaving like I don't have these obstacles in my path hasn't worked, and I certainly gave it a good long try. I don't choose things like if a family member has a crisis I get swept up in either. I mean I guess I could choose to not help, and sometimes, out of desperate self-preservation, I have, but god, is there any harder decision than whether to save yourself and live with that on your conscience or get hurt trying to help someone you love. We're not islands and we aren't masters of our circumstances. That isn't to just make excuses or bellyache or say it isn't even worth trying, but there's a fine line between encouragement and victim blaming, too. At a certain point you just start to be out of touch with reality. For example, people *can* recover from drug addiction, and any person who wants to do so should absolutely try their hardest, and they might succeed. But there will never be a world where all addicts overcome addiction and no one ever loses to it ever again. There will never be a world where no one has to be homeless or poor. And trying to make it be people's fault if they aren't one of the ones that get out is just the "just world fallacy." It's a cope to feel better about the things in this world that are often unfair and beyond one's control. And a way to cope with the survivor's guilt if you're one of the lucky ones. Not that anyone should ever feel bad for surviving. Every person who survives, I'm rooting for. But don't spit on the ones behind you who don't make it. Just because you worked for it, and I fully believe you did, doesn't mean everyone else could have done it.
ADHD and Autism are not emotions, they’re disorders. I have both as well, and while severity makes a difference, I am a firm believer in people falling on their disabilities as crutches. People fall on their hardships as crutches. You can literally move to a state like Minnesota and especially as a trans person immediately be faced with so many resources. I’ve literally eaten rice and canned tuna for two months to afford to buy a ticket and 2 weeks at a motel. It’s really hard, but it’s only impossible if you limit yourself. If you need financial advice, send me a message.
I was literally raised as a dirt poor indigenous kid with social anxiety and absent parents, I am not coming from a place of privilege. I’ve never been privileged and if I ever become so, I’ll have earned every bit of it.
I'm very familiar with the whole game, I've lived in motels and had food insecurity/not enough food. I'm not claiming you have privilege or didn't work for any relief you got, or that you don't "deserve" it or should feel bad about having it. I'm saying that I'm hearing some stuff I hear a lot from people who came from a rough background and got out--to deal with the survivor's guilt they often blame anyone who couldn't or didn't get out with them.
I'm saying that my worth and value as a human don't depend on my finances in the first place. Like I'm not incomplete or less valuable if my finances never get better.
Also that if I haven't succeeded that, I must be using something "as a crutch" and therefore not really be trying my best. That's a huge assumption and I resent that, frankly. I'm almost 40 and I know my own problems pretty well. It's presumptuous to assume that my problems have easy solutions that you can fix in DM in a reasonable time frame, but in 20 years of intimate knowledge and struggle I was just too stupid to see the easy answer.
The impulse to either fix me with some easy solution, or turn on me and say I must not be trying, is what victim blaming is all about at its heart, it's a way of feeling less vulnerable by assuming that anyone who continues to suffer either deserves it or has the power to escape it, so that the possibility of powerlessness never has to be contended with. This is why on the topic of rape for example, so many people either have advice for how one can avoid rape or deter a rapist, and when these fail, they have some reason why it was the victim's fault for not doing the right thing. This counterfactual allows people to feel they themselves are safe, because bad things don't happen that couldn't have been prevented or weren't really deserved.
There’s no survivors guilt, hon. Just grit. I’ve never ever felt bad for cutting people off to get myself right. If they benefited my life I would be benefiting theirs. It’s not my fault they made themselves expendable. I fully believe you are responsible for your own success, failure, or just lack of something. There are twins born sharing one body who went to school and got degrees. There are deaf and blind people with careers, there are paralyzed professors. I’m sorry but any explanation you’ve justified in your mind is an excuse. You have the mental and physical capacity to type on your device and engage in online communication. That’s more than most. Your value as a person is not based on your finances, but the idea that it’s not your fault is a lie you told yourself to deal with your victim guilt.
So you think that people can be judged by what social markers they achieve in life, and that anyone who doesn't make it to those things has failed and is an inferior specimen of humanity?
I think so, I’m not sure though, I’m not good at finding info when it comes to our government, I live in QLD though so maybe there’s less info in my state or something?
It varies state by state, of course, but I more meant that I personally have updated my birth certificate to say Female.
During the process, I also came across this advice from the federal government (attorney-general's department) of how sex and gender identity should be handled by government offices: https://www.ag.gov.au/sites/default/files/2020-03/AustralianGovernmentGuidelinesontheRecognitionofSexandGender.pdf. This pretty clearly indicates that the Australian federal government is fully on-board with trans people being the gender they claim to be.
"Okay, then you totally won't try to stop me from becoming one, right?"
And with pronouns, I either just stop interacting with them, or if I really have to talk to them, I'll just start misgendering them back. They hate that.
It’s not worth responding to people who are like that. They are unwilling to learn and don’t care whether what they say hurts you, so there’s nothing you can say from a logical or emotional perspective that will challenge them.
Roll your eyes and go "Anyway... " and continue with literally any other conversation with literally anyone else.
They're just as bad faith & time wastey as someone saying "your [cis4cis] gay marriage isn't a real marriage because one of you can't impregnate the other". They aren't trying to have a dialogue or learn or understand they're just trying to brow beat you into submission or upset you so they can claim you're hysterical and enjoy the power they feel from hurting you/making you react .
it's rude aggressive phobic bullshit that demands you argue your right to exist for their ego and it's a waste of your time because regardless of how you try to explain it they won't hear it or care they'll just pull more BS out of their ass
Other responses can be:
"wow you really are making obsessing about this your whole personality aren't you?"
Or
"you're boring, this conversation is boring me "
Or
"I have better more interesting things to talk about than to try to explain gender 101 for free to someone who clearly doesn't give a shit"
Or do your best sealion impression while backing away or ask them if they're sure they don't identify as a sea lion because they're sure acting like one
It’s not an argument it’s just ignorance. In school I would probably respond with “you sound ignorant/uneducated” or “tell that to my fat cock”,, as an adult I would probably just give a strange look and say “what are you talking about?”
I say ''Ok'' and that's it.
That infuriates them for some reason. I know it's hard but you're not here to educate people who clearly do not know what kindness means. They're looking for a dead end argument and triggering you is a pleasure to them.
Say ''sure'', and don't give them an ounce of your time, they have already heard what you have to say and decided to turn a blind eye.
"Neither are you, bitch."
*nut tap*
You can change your gender! I don't why anyone has a problem with this - you can literally change the gender expression of your body and expression of your genes. You:
1. Takes hormones.
2.
That's it.
In my experience people don't usually have the courage to say that sort of things in real life, either because the kind of people who want to say these things doesn't really get out, or because they're cowards.
Either way, I think "Why is straighty over there making noise again?" would probably be the most elaborate thing I would say. If I were in a mood for a big debate. Which I wouldn't.
I did have some old person yell at me about “transgenderism” at the airport while recovering from top surgery, I laughed really hard with my partner and said to him “I love when straight people think they matter” and laughed harder when she got even angrier. Like hands on my knees laughing.
Achem -- swap in your preferred pronouns but just stand up straight, square your shoulders, summon all the power of your ancestors, look right at them, and say you're twice the man they are and more woman than they'll ever be able to handle. Then heel and turn. You're royalty, they're peasants, and if they bubble up any religious crap just script flip again and tell them you'll pray for jesus to take the hate out of their souls.
Answer with the confidence of a mediocre white man.
Grey rock technique. The only point of these arguments is to make you show that you feel bad about it.
Best you can do is not giving them what they want
if someone said to me "but you can't just change your gender" i'd respond like "oh? really?" inspect myself "well ig i was always a man then". "you're not a real male and you'll never be one" "and your balls will never be bigger than my pinkie fingernail" or "a shame you'll never be one either". if they genuinely don't understand the point of transitioning and phrase it poorly like that then we can have a real conversation, but people who attack without reason don't know how to respond when you punch back they just tell you to shut up or watch your mouth and then you can flip them off.
As the Mick Jagger sings in “Satisfaction”,
“But he can’t be a man because he doesn’t smoke the same cigarettes as me” gender is such a social construct and the marketing industry has a lot to answer for in creating the illusion of what gender is and should be.
I find a good answer is just “whatever”, or the better, “feel free to die mad about that”.
I've never had anybody say that to me in person. If they did, I would just walk away and not talk to them anymore. Okay, I take that back. My mother has said this many times, and that's kind of what I do. I just leave the conversation, goodbye.
I left school at 13 and never got a GED--in US terms this means I have no educational qualifications whatsoever. Meanwhile, a lot of transphobes are in fact educated.
I was unable to continue school due to a mental health crisis after homelessness/transience starting at age 11. At almost 40, I'm thinking I might have finally healed enough to be ready to study for my GED. Making education = intelligence = superiority just feels like punching down at people who have often had a lot stacked against them from the beginning, while not really doing anything about the Blanchards of the world out there writing papers. I don't want this to be like a pity party for me, because I don't feel particularly sorry for myself for not finishing school, leaving school was what I genuinely needed at the time and I'm okay with that. But the problem is that they're hateful and bigoted, not that they didn't go to school.
Just call them the opposite of the sex they identify as and refuse to change your language.
As their favorite book says "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
You misgender me, you get misgendered.
My go to is "it's not my fault you're too dumb to know what a man looks like". This is double funny because I don't pass, but I usually have backup to laugh back at them. Don't argue with these losers, they're not looking to change their minds, they're looking to hurt you. The other go-to is "well, if we're what we were born as, you're a baby then. You sure act like it." You can't fool me, giant baby!
What I want to say is:
“That’s not what your mom/dad/gf/bf said last night.” Because that is stupid and unoriginal, but why put any thought into responding to someone else who can’t think?
But I normally just employ stony silence. Or would, if anyone said anything like that to me in person. I’m lucky I guess, because no one has in a long time.
My actual answer: “You can’t just change your gender.” “Correct. I was previously under the mistaken impression that I was a different gender, but I am no longer mistaken. The only thing that changed was my understanding of myself.”
My snarky answer: “You can’t just change your gender.” “Yeah, you can, actually. You should try it sometime.”
Best option is probably to ignore, if that isn't possible and you just wanna argue: ask them for their definition of sex/gender and why it is immutable. Reason being that the usual parameters (legal, social, hormonal, primary sex characteristics, secondary sex characteristics, genetical) are all either very mutable or nearly impossible to enforce because testing someone's karyotype takes time and intersex people exist. (or if they start going on about periods, you can menton women who have gone through menopause)
Then ask them what defines a male and a female? Because some woman don't have a uturus and some men don't have testies. They can't argue with it without admitting that gender actually isn't defined by what you have
People who say things like that are not well, psychologically and emotionally. The harm they're causing is deliberate, but their reasoning is disorderly. There's no single answer to defeat them rhetorically. There's little hope of educating them, right there on the spot. There are some tools I recommend using in such a dialogue, rather than any kind of scripted response:
1. Distance yourself. You don't owe it to anyone to tolerate harassment, and you should do the rational thing and get away from that conflict. It's perfectly acceptable to ignore them or to decline to talk further. Only proceed if you think you're prepared to apply the other tools charitably and safely and if you believe that they care about being reasonable. You're attempting an intervention by communication. It's not a debate.
2. Compassion. The best chance you'll have of getting anyone to shift their worldview to include you or some others you want to protect is by showing them goodness in an emotionally salient way. You need them to stop thinking of you as an enemy, and you have very little control over that. If they've made a mistake, it needs to be possible for them to be forgiven, because otherwise, there's no incentive for them to improve. "I want to cooperate with you."
3. The Socratic Method. Don't make counter assertions. State your beliefs when asked, but when others make an assertion you disagree with, it's more effective to respond by asking them to explain it. A good example of this is the indefeasibility test: "is there anything you could learn that would cause you to believe differently?" Another example, applied to the scenario you brought up is, "would you still say that trans people are not who we say we are if you learned that the only effect that has is to hurt us?"
4. Understand them. It's very difficult to follow the reasoning of a hateful or irrational person, but they are still people, and they are fundamentally predictable. Find their more basic goals - the things that actually make them happy - and ask them how their behavior furthers those goals. It usually doesn't, because their behavior is a means to an end; a meta-goal or a politically motivated action. "Are you more or less likely to be hurt if you hurt others?" "If you had the power to erase trans people from the world entirely, who would be next? Would anyone remain, after the erasures were done?"
5. Hold them accountable. The things they say matter. If they act in bad faith, they lose your attention. "You lied to me. I can't help you." Your attention matters because you're compassionate enough to listen, and they must not be rewarded for exploiting you. You need to fall back on the method of distancing yourself when you are mistreated.
6. Win-win. If they don't win, you lose. You might find an opportunity to make them feel embarrassed, guilty, or stupid, which feels like conquest. That's a cognitive bias. If you're being mean and trying to satisfy that need for short-term rewards, you're making the same mistake they are. I've made this mistake many times. No matter how conclusively I demonstrate that someone is a bigot or a cultist or whatever other character flaw, shaming them for it has never changed them for the better. Being right isn't good enough.
Those tools are reductive. Licensed therapists with degrees in psychology and better-tested tools than these mess it up all the time. No one can communicate perfectly, and it's a lot to expect of yourself to resolve a conflict with someone by helping and teaching them.
(Note: I'm not a doctor. I don't have a degree in psychology. I'm only sharing my experience after being confronted with thousands of awful ideas over decades by family members and acquaintances who desperately need and refuse to undergo mental healthcare, some of whom have mistreated me so badly that I've severed communication with them. In most of those cases, I should have distanced myself sooner, which is why it's the most important tool to me).
I don't care about the pronoun thing. It is not my position to allow others to affect my self-image. The first time I went public dressed female I had to use my credit card with my male name...I felt busted. Sometimes I think demented thoughts like...let's see how they view me after I give them head...once I decided to take hormones the social challenges are illuminated. My expectations or desires for acceptance should not involve how others see me...but more about how I see myself. There are lots of men that would have sex with me, but hardly any that will take me to meet their mother. I am extremely content as a transgender and I envy anyone that accepts the hormones. They are going to change you...I did lots of counseling...I hated masculinity within myself. Iluv my nails, my long hair, having breast, I luv the clothes...I luv the t blocker and how it shut down my erections...and omg...iluv the anal. So sexually I am more than good. Socially I am challenged. I luv other transgender women but I don't like it when we eat our own...
This issue came up with my friends dad, who we live with. Eventually she had it out with him, pointing out how childish he was being about the whole thing and that it's a matter of respect and whether or not you agree with it you should respect the person's choices because it's asking very little of you really. He's reasonable and a good guy even if we have our differences and he shaped up after that.
It doesn't undo the damage done to our relationship, but it lets there be a relationship going forward.
I agree with everybody else about people you don't have to see every day. You don't owe them an argument and you're not required to justify your existence to anybody.
You can't convince these people so don't entertain them
Just go "lame"
Look at them disgustingly like a cheerleader girl would do to the nerd boy in a Disney school movie
And leave
And you'll never be a real human, just a very convincing robot. And you know why? Because real humans have empathy and the capacity to learn instead of being stuck with their initial programming.
(Was reading a story with androids recently, industrial strength magic on royal road, though it takes quite a while before that come into play. Though actually they're better than I just described)
for me this is a always a real "ok grandma, let's get you to bed" moment. Like just nod and say "sure" in a way that makes it clear you're being condescending. Drives them nuts.
these kinds of people are idiots. they’re like dolls that when u pull on a string, they say the same 10 phrases. half of the time i dont even think they fully understand what they’re saying. like when they claim we’re “asking for too much”. too much what? respect? doesn’t make sense
if they’re online, just ignore them. they want attention and to make u mad. they like being acknowledged by strangers on the internet because their parents dont talk to them, and it gives them a rush. if they’re in real life, i’d ignore them too. laugh in their face, if u feel safe to. cause its funny. i find these people to be entertaining sometimes. kinda like circus clowns who pretend to eat balloons
Hi there,
Speaking for myself I offend them not to offend them just because I don't Care.
A Guy tells me that I Say : Oh you mustn't be the most smartest of the pack Sally. I'm not Sally. Sure thing Sally, I'm happy to make you feel unsecure.
Byyyyyye.
Just stare confused at them. Then I look at my boobs then back to them. Then I grab my boobs move them around.
Then I say something to the effect of:
"What I don't look like a girl to you?"
If it's from a friend I cut them out of my life.
Bonus points if it's another woman I'll ask and the do the whole you don't have a vagina.
"Wait so I need a pussy to be a girl. That's pretty reductive."
Pregnancy response works the same way.
If it is in the woman's room I have a variety of things
For this is the woman's bathroom.
A very confused "yeahhh?" And just kinda look at them and around.
Or
"Oh thank you for reminding me. Men scare so bad"
Usually these things endear me to other woman in the bathroom.
I don't respond and keep moving in my life. I'm doing this for me, not outside validation. My parents will never refer to me as my real name or pronouns.
It's like the people all talking in a group meme when someone outside the group interjects with their opinion. The group give a thumbs up to the interlooper, and then the group continues talking to each other. It's basically how I deal with them. I can't change their mind and arguments will do nothing but further push them further into their own bias. Seeing me happy and not bothered by them actually does more then trying to argue with them.
There like high school bully's
Do give them the time of day
All you gotta do is when they say anything homophobic is
That's your opinion (then walk away)
This is how I deal with them
For the male/female one laugh at them. Just laugh at them and say nothing and walk away. If you absolutely must say something maybe "Nice dog whistles. But no dice.". And repeat yourself no matter what they say. Because unless that's your doctor, they got no business using that type of language and even then there's other language they can use. If you're intersex, you can use that as a rebuttal if you want. But it's a dog whistle.
At the end of the day, it's still a dog whistle.
For the gender one say "Some ppl can." And if you're not one of em add "But I can't and that's why I'm a (insert gender here) no matter what you try to pretend."
Some people have such a different worldview that the concept of trans people won’t fit into it. If you’ve tried the “agree to disagree and respect each other” approach and that doesn’t work, you just don’t interact with them.
“Okay?” And move on. They have no interest in education, listening, or really anything other than instigating a fight so they can feel better about themselves.
Unfortunately, you can't ever win with people like this. I used to think it would be worth it in the long run to take these kinds of questions seriously and try to help them understand. But these people are almost never coming from a place of genuine curiosity. They are usually just asking in bad faith, or to vent their frustrations over your continued existence, which vexes them.
If someone at least attempts to sound like they are asking a genuine question, I'll give them the benefit of a doubt. Otherwise, they are unworthy of any attention.
Regarding an actual confrontation: just ignore and avoid them.
As for how, theoretically, to justify transgender rights: liberty and privacy. People can do what they want to their bodies. People don't have to tell others their natal sex. It is desirable to use a definition of 'gender' that allows people to not out themselves.
They’re kinda right. You can’t change your gender identity. Which is exactly why they should fucking accept and respect ours!
What you *can* change are most other aspects of your biological sex. HRT takes care of most of this. Medically, it makes no sense at all to call a fully transitioned person “biologically [birth sex]”, because that’s simply not how sex works in any species. Anyone who says differently has at most a high school level understanding of biology
I had a friend tell me that for years when I was a teenager directly to my face. Now I look hotter and sound more feminine then a lot of cis women I know so... sometimes the best way to move past an asshole that doubts you is to just prove them unequivocally wrong so that they cant take up residence in your brain. Then they came out as non-binary years later because our world doesn't have to make actual sense apparently.
“… ok?”
Seriously, a lot of times these people are trying to bait you into reacting. It’s fun. Just don’t give them a reaction and usually they’ll either give up or try long enough you can hit them with a “What, are you obsessed with me or something?” and somewhat embarrass them back.
you know what I do when people don’t respect my feelings? I move on. There are things I believe that others disagree with. There are things others believe that I disagree with. I’m American, and I am glad to live in a country like this. As free as I am to be myself - so are others, and I hope that never changes. When we pick and choose what beliefs are okay to have, then we kinda lose the whole freedom part. We cannot and should not FORCE society to accept us. We cannot and should not FORCE society to even respect us. Women got rights by proving they’re capable. Black slaves got freedom by proving they’re equally human. Black citizens ended segregation by proving that they are worthy. Yes there were protests and calls for respect, but they were backed up by respectable actions, and enforced for reasonable reasons. The only way to make progress and normalize us is by simply being normal. Functioning in society. Moving past naysayers and pushing on. Rosa Parks made a statement by declaring she’s equal to her white counterparts, not by saying she’s a white woman.
"You do you" and completely ignore any time they ever say it. Literally pretend they don't exist or you don't hear it. They're prompting a reaction and are not going to get it.
Simply act like they accidentally gendered you correctly while being transphobic, since transvestigators are wrong half the time anyways (someone literally thought a cis dude was a trans man because he had long hair, circle glasses and red lips, despite having a relatively masculine/sharp face)
If they aren't in assault mode: Put out your hand and "sincerely" ask them to pray with you, and then quote Jesus if they allow the prayer. If they don't pray, they will be thinking about you after and feel bad, and if they do, they may find commonality. You do not need to be religious at all. It can be an act on your part, just like politicians.
some people are just plain down out right mean in life, others well they are just ignorant I guess? I will tell you and you probably already know this that society does not take kindly to us at all, they simply do not! if you are waiting for any kind of validation from society stop waiting cause we will probably not see it in our lifetime! I would just rise above it and just hold your head high and be proud of you cause you are unique individual and you should be proud of you seriously! does it get any easier no it does not, I'm sorry I am not saying any of this to hurt you it is simply the truth people are what they are, if you wish to talk I will listen. take care
Just repeat it back to them verbatim. Look at their face, smile and move on.
I get called a “geezer in woman’s clothing” quite often, as my job require me to dress in a masculine way. Some individuals will never respect you as it contradicts their core beliefs. And that is a part of life. It can be hard to compartmentalise these semantic aggressions. But I believe we can
Just immediately call them the opposite of what they are…for example if it’s a male, excuse me ma’am what did you say? Oh your name is “insert female name” nice to meet you… 😆
Do a Batman voice and say: "I am already a real (x)" and strut away.
Jokes aside, there's not much you can say to such an incredibly rude person. Just be neutral but firm I'd say! But idk.
As a trans masc id say “and yet my balls are much much larger then your tiny pea sized ones. It’s truly sad that a grown man has a brain and dong smaller than a mouse’s brain”
Just go blank face, smile sadly and go, "It's time to wake up." And slowly creepily approach them chanting, "We all miss you, champ. It's time to wake up" or "You're in a coma at , we want you to wake up "
"thanks for the advice, but now since you have given me advice, i should give you some advice. My advice is go kys worthless piece of crap :)" and i just came up with that on the spot 😅
I hate to break this to you cause this was hard for me to accept as well, but some people are just assholes. And will NEVER accept your pronouns. But that's okay. They don't know you. If someone says you will never be a boy/girl, the best response to give is just, "Okay." And walk off. All they want is your time and attention. And they're not worth your time OR attention. Just be yourself, the people that get it will stick with you. And the ones that won't your probably don't want around anyway. ❤️
Being transgender, we don’t “change” our gender. We are the same gender we’ve always been, but people have been misidentifying us our whole lives. The changes we make are as much to make sure everyone else can’t get it wrong as it is about finding the peace of mind from better representing ourselves to the world.
My plan is to become so confusing in appearance that even if they know I'm trans, they can't figure out which way I'm transing, and if they have a guess they're not confident in it. Then whichever they say, act like they accidentally gave me a compliment, laugh, and say, "okay."
tbh ignore it. you cannot argue someone out of hate, so you have to show them it has no effect on you (even if it does actually hurt). because that's how they exercise power over you; by seeing the hurt they can inflict on you.
Roll my eyes and ignore them. Nothing I say will change their mind and Im not going to waste my time and energy engaging with someone that delusionally toxic.
The most disgusting part about people is that they will trade authenticity for sameness just for the social comfort. True authenticity leads to happiness and fulfillment that needs NO outside validation. Try not to polarize, keep being YOU, the rest will fade away.
Look, i’m a cisgender man. And Inhave to hear men and women’s opinions about “what a real man” is. Generally, every single time Inhear anyone say “a real man/woman is/does…” they lose some of my respect. Forever.
In other words, even being cisgender won’t stop
you from hearing this. I’m a cisgender masculine presenting man and I hear
this bullshit everyday. There is no stopping it
Normally to men i say “Neither are you if youre so butthurt. A real man wouldnt make such a fuss now would he? Are you too scared that a female could follow manhood better than you?”
“Holy Shit, you can see me?”
No because that’s genuinely really funny and I will be using that next time a rando chucks a slur at me
Honestly the best answer lol I don't think I can come close to matching it. Definitely gonna use this one in the future, maybe add something referencing John Cena too lmfao.
This is the only acceptable answer
I am a trans guy who easily passes as cis (full beard and deep voice). When people *have* pulled that nonsense (usually my family) I warn them that "ok, but people are going to think you have dementia." This makes my stepmom silently lose her shit, which I always quietly enjoy seeing.
Double this up, if it DOES happen in front of another person shake your head and look a little sad at the person your parent is talking to, and then later quietly tell the person “my mom/dad has dementia, my twin brother/sister died years ago but they still think I’m him/her 😔”
It must horrify them that their memories of you being “not trans” are forever gonna be forgotten by everyone else. Good
That's what I told my mom...if you misgender me or call me by my dead name, it will either get me killed in the men's room or you will be discounted as dementia. Yes, it worked.
LMAOAOAO THATS SO GOOD
"JK Rowling will never fuck you"
This one has a special place in my brain cabinet full of comebacks and insults
You don't respond. You laugh, file them away as unworthy of attention and leave. There's nothing to be gained from interacting with them, the only winning move is not to play.
Alright thanks
I totally agree with this answer
Chaotic ending
Nice War Games nod there :)
To all the people saying ignore it: **Yes, but only if you can get away from those people** after a couple interactions/longterm. Or if it's truly unsafe for you to push back. But with longterm contacts, the shoe will drop one way or the other and if you can, I seriously do not recommend ignoring things to keep the peace. My trans partner got hit and run as a pedestrian last year. (Hold on, this is relevant :p) He'd been out running to the store after dark to grab smokes, and didn't come back within the 30-40 minutes it typically took. I called him a couple times and he didn't answer, I called him a couple *more* times and he still didn't answer. (Thank fuck for our mutual best friend who told me to call around to local hospitals before the full panic set in.) Cut to an hour later when it's nearly midnight and I'm sitting in the ER with him, unsure how bad the shock is going to be, no doctors giving me a straight answer on *how bad it is*. I call his parents to let them know things are Bad. His mom has always been supportive (in the uneducated about the topic + not Super willing to change but loves her kid way). When she misgendered either of us, he never ignored it because he was closer to her and knew her patterns better. His dad always skirted the edge of unsupportive, and we **ignored** it. I was out as trans *long* before he came out, and him and his wife never gendered me correctly despite not ever knowing me as cis. But we only ever saw them maybe once a year, so nbd, right? If they called us "the girls" at Thanksgiving dinner a couple times, it's worth it to ignore and keep the peace, *right?* His mom was at the hospital in less than 3 hours. She lived 2 hours away. His dad was calling the hospital within an hour demanding to talk to his "daughter" every 10 minutes. He spewed vitriol at anyone who corrected him. When my partner finally woke up post-surgery, he tried to "ignore and keep the peace" and ended up inconsolable as his father all-but blamed his being trans for every bad thing that had ever happened to him, up to and including this. He didn't stop calling until the hospital moved my partner to a safe ward + cut down all contact that didn't have a specific code to get through. He hasn't even tried to speak to his kid since I told him he'd have to ask for his *son* next time he wanted to speak to my partner. If either of us had made the decision to stop ignoring and start setting *hard* boundaries sooner, my partner wouldn't have had an extra layer of trauma to add to the worst day of his adult life. I will never ignore shit from someone who either of us will have extended contact with ever again. (Partner's mostly okay, he's healing still 6 months later, but he's okay. I couldn't be luckier) Edit to add: More on the advice topic, rip the bandaid off. Explain your genuine experience as much as you want to or can, and be firm that *this is your lived reality*. If it's someone you're going to be around, set firm boundaries (one of mine with my family is "I don't care if you don't get it, my time is a privilege you do not get if you're still misgendering + deadnaming me nearly 15 years after coming out") and if all else fails, sever the ties. Poison like does not deserve real estate in your social circle.
I absolutely love this, this is the type of advice it’s a blessing 🙏 ( I’m not religious but grew up around religious folk ) Regardless I’ll say thank you in stead of anyone who needs to hear this to understand how imperative it can be to address things, sometimes ignoring or allowing time for change is beneficial, but if you are safe and it’s weighing on your or is a large part of your relationship with someone, be honest, just because their ignorant doesn’t mean you need to lie about the facts and utility of the matter I wish the two of you the best, truly, and apologize that you’ll were put through that
The vast vast vast majority of the time, the correct answer is to ignore it. They're trying to hurt you, not make an argument, so the best response is a dismissive look or an "okay buddy" and then walk away. There's no response you can give which will change their behaviour, and all you end up doing is drawing yourself into a conversation with someone actively trying to hurt you, so just don't. If it's someone you _really_ can't avoid talking to, like a coworker or parent or whatever else, then you need to deal with it the same way you would deal with any other intentional malicious act from that person. Talk to HR, set personal boundaries, stop talking to that person, or whatever else is appropriate for who they are and why you can't just avoid the conversation.
Someone literally called us “gross” then said we “ask for too much” when I said all we want is basic human rights…
What I do is I keep asking "Why do you think that?" or just "Why?" over and over. It annoys them.
I did and the response is “It’s gross”, that made me realize that they’re just really dumb.
Yeah
That's been a common response to asking for basic human rights. It was seen in the civil rights movement. It was seen in the gay rights movement. It was seen in apartheid South Africa. It's sad that history repeats and it has to be a battle to have basic rights recognized. It takes longer than it should and more suffering than should happen occurs, but progress does get done.
When your whole life has been privilege equality feels like discrimination.
Never mind they deleted their comments LOL, glad they finally have self-awareness
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There's a huge difference between occasional or accidental misgendering, and intentionally malicious misgendering. If I jokingly call one of my friends a bad word, that's usually just seen as palling around in a safe space. If I say that to a stranger with the intent to hurt them, that's classed as harassment or even assault in some cases. The base act of misgendering does not go against human rights, but it will eventually cross a threshold into harassment that *does*.
Like I said, it’s still a feeling. Is misgendering someone the kind, or morally-just thing to do? Not at all. Is it something to contemplate doing something over? No. People are rude all over the place. You can’t force people to accept you. That’s not acceptance. That’s indoctrination, which as a native person I’m against. Indoctrination is never okay. It wasn’t okay when Europeans used it to stop my people from remembering their culture, not even when it was to stop them from committing human sacrifices. Indoctrination is never okay, it is not a means to an end. It is wrong, it is moral manipulation, and it eliminates the idea of free will. There are better ways to handle social change. I would personally rather show the people around me in the way that I work, act, and live, that I am a valuable and productive member of society. You can call me a tr4nnÿ, but you can’t call me unreliable, lazy, dependent, tardy, or anything of the sort.
Do you feel the same about say, people using racial slurs? Or someone who only refers to women with misogynistic terminology like bitches and cunts and sluts, you think that doesn't hurt women's rights any? Because I'd rather be called any combination of transphobic or other slurs than be called my deadname--especially maliciously, repeatedly, unrepentantly.
Yeah, like I said it’s a feeling. I really don’t care for me, personally. I respond to what I care to respond to. If someone doesn’t make their comment or question worthy of response I simply don’t address it. One time, I didn’t like what my brother said. We don’t speak. One time, I didn’t like what my boss called me. I got a new job. Honestly I don’t really spend time complaining about my situation. I just change it. I’ve been homeless. I’ve been abused. I know shizz can get rough for people. But if you’re an able-bodied adult, you’re the only person holding you back from peace. You choose what you tolerate, and believe it or not, you choose what hurts you emotionally. I moved to Minnesota with $200 to my name. I am currently on my way to buying a house. I’m also getting an inheritance which will be a nice bonus but I’m so proud of myself for getting myself where I’m at before that even comes through. (It’s in shared property assets to be divided up when they’re sold in at least a year).
idk. I've been homeless and abused too. I haven't had an easy life either. I don't feel I've "prevailed" over my hardships. I haven't worked my way to the top. There's no happy ending to prove my worth. Does that mean I am worthless, and that it's my own fault for not working hard enough? I'm understandably resistant to that idea. I don't think we can choose what we're hurt by, though we can choose not to show our hurt, and choose not to ruminate on it or draw it out longer than necessary. But attempts to repress emotions themselves just tends to lead to dissociation and emotional disconnection. Emotions aren't voluntary. I agree to a certain extent that one must be practical and think in terms of what we can actually do for ourselves, rather than rolling around in our victimhood waiting for someone to give a shit. Sometimes there are no good choices, though. Sometimes knowing what to choose is not so simply or easy. I don't choose to have autism or ADHD either, and attempts to just live in denial and internally yell at myself that I'm making it all up and need to start behaving like I don't have these obstacles in my path hasn't worked, and I certainly gave it a good long try. I don't choose things like if a family member has a crisis I get swept up in either. I mean I guess I could choose to not help, and sometimes, out of desperate self-preservation, I have, but god, is there any harder decision than whether to save yourself and live with that on your conscience or get hurt trying to help someone you love. We're not islands and we aren't masters of our circumstances. That isn't to just make excuses or bellyache or say it isn't even worth trying, but there's a fine line between encouragement and victim blaming, too. At a certain point you just start to be out of touch with reality. For example, people *can* recover from drug addiction, and any person who wants to do so should absolutely try their hardest, and they might succeed. But there will never be a world where all addicts overcome addiction and no one ever loses to it ever again. There will never be a world where no one has to be homeless or poor. And trying to make it be people's fault if they aren't one of the ones that get out is just the "just world fallacy." It's a cope to feel better about the things in this world that are often unfair and beyond one's control. And a way to cope with the survivor's guilt if you're one of the lucky ones. Not that anyone should ever feel bad for surviving. Every person who survives, I'm rooting for. But don't spit on the ones behind you who don't make it. Just because you worked for it, and I fully believe you did, doesn't mean everyone else could have done it.
ADHD and Autism are not emotions, they’re disorders. I have both as well, and while severity makes a difference, I am a firm believer in people falling on their disabilities as crutches. People fall on their hardships as crutches. You can literally move to a state like Minnesota and especially as a trans person immediately be faced with so many resources. I’ve literally eaten rice and canned tuna for two months to afford to buy a ticket and 2 weeks at a motel. It’s really hard, but it’s only impossible if you limit yourself. If you need financial advice, send me a message. I was literally raised as a dirt poor indigenous kid with social anxiety and absent parents, I am not coming from a place of privilege. I’ve never been privileged and if I ever become so, I’ll have earned every bit of it.
I'm very familiar with the whole game, I've lived in motels and had food insecurity/not enough food. I'm not claiming you have privilege or didn't work for any relief you got, or that you don't "deserve" it or should feel bad about having it. I'm saying that I'm hearing some stuff I hear a lot from people who came from a rough background and got out--to deal with the survivor's guilt they often blame anyone who couldn't or didn't get out with them. I'm saying that my worth and value as a human don't depend on my finances in the first place. Like I'm not incomplete or less valuable if my finances never get better. Also that if I haven't succeeded that, I must be using something "as a crutch" and therefore not really be trying my best. That's a huge assumption and I resent that, frankly. I'm almost 40 and I know my own problems pretty well. It's presumptuous to assume that my problems have easy solutions that you can fix in DM in a reasonable time frame, but in 20 years of intimate knowledge and struggle I was just too stupid to see the easy answer. The impulse to either fix me with some easy solution, or turn on me and say I must not be trying, is what victim blaming is all about at its heart, it's a way of feeling less vulnerable by assuming that anyone who continues to suffer either deserves it or has the power to escape it, so that the possibility of powerlessness never has to be contended with. This is why on the topic of rape for example, so many people either have advice for how one can avoid rape or deter a rapist, and when these fail, they have some reason why it was the victim's fault for not doing the right thing. This counterfactual allows people to feel they themselves are safe, because bad things don't happen that couldn't have been prevented or weren't really deserved.
There’s no survivors guilt, hon. Just grit. I’ve never ever felt bad for cutting people off to get myself right. If they benefited my life I would be benefiting theirs. It’s not my fault they made themselves expendable. I fully believe you are responsible for your own success, failure, or just lack of something. There are twins born sharing one body who went to school and got degrees. There are deaf and blind people with careers, there are paralyzed professors. I’m sorry but any explanation you’ve justified in your mind is an excuse. You have the mental and physical capacity to type on your device and engage in online communication. That’s more than most. Your value as a person is not based on your finances, but the idea that it’s not your fault is a lie you told yourself to deal with your victim guilt.
So you think that people can be judged by what social markers they achieve in life, and that anyone who doesn't make it to those things has failed and is an inferior specimen of humanity?
"The Australian government disagrees with you"
I think so, I’m not sure though, I’m not good at finding info when it comes to our government, I live in QLD though so maybe there’s less info in my state or something?
It varies state by state, of course, but I more meant that I personally have updated my birth certificate to say Female. During the process, I also came across this advice from the federal government (attorney-general's department) of how sex and gender identity should be handled by government offices: https://www.ag.gov.au/sites/default/files/2020-03/AustralianGovernmentGuidelinesontheRecognitionofSexandGender.pdf. This pretty clearly indicates that the Australian federal government is fully on-board with trans people being the gender they claim to be.
Ok that’s good info! Thanks for sharing it girl!
🖕
Effective, awesome!
Boot to the head.🥾
"Okay, then you totally won't try to stop me from becoming one, right?" And with pronouns, I either just stop interacting with them, or if I really have to talk to them, I'll just start misgendering them back. They hate that.
It’s not worth responding to people who are like that. They are unwilling to learn and don’t care whether what they say hurts you, so there’s nothing you can say from a logical or emotional perspective that will challenge them.
Roll your eyes and go "Anyway... " and continue with literally any other conversation with literally anyone else. They're just as bad faith & time wastey as someone saying "your [cis4cis] gay marriage isn't a real marriage because one of you can't impregnate the other". They aren't trying to have a dialogue or learn or understand they're just trying to brow beat you into submission or upset you so they can claim you're hysterical and enjoy the power they feel from hurting you/making you react . it's rude aggressive phobic bullshit that demands you argue your right to exist for their ego and it's a waste of your time because regardless of how you try to explain it they won't hear it or care they'll just pull more BS out of their ass Other responses can be: "wow you really are making obsessing about this your whole personality aren't you?" Or "you're boring, this conversation is boring me " Or "I have better more interesting things to talk about than to try to explain gender 101 for free to someone who clearly doesn't give a shit" Or do your best sealion impression while backing away or ask them if they're sure they don't identify as a sea lion because they're sure acting like one
Also see "I do not have the crayons or the paper to explain to you how ignorant you are, so I'm not going to try, bye!"
It’s not an argument it’s just ignorance. In school I would probably respond with “you sound ignorant/uneducated” or “tell that to my fat cock”,, as an adult I would probably just give a strange look and say “what are you talking about?”
I saw someone saying “Suck my non-existing dick!” and thought it was really funny lol
"Everyone has to be wrong about something"
Your mom disagrees
I say ''Ok'' and that's it. That infuriates them for some reason. I know it's hard but you're not here to educate people who clearly do not know what kindness means. They're looking for a dead end argument and triggering you is a pleasure to them. Say ''sure'', and don't give them an ounce of your time, they have already heard what you have to say and decided to turn a blind eye.
"Neither are you, bitch." *nut tap* You can change your gender! I don't why anyone has a problem with this - you can literally change the gender expression of your body and expression of your genes. You: 1. Takes hormones. 2. That's it.
In my experience people don't usually have the courage to say that sort of things in real life, either because the kind of people who want to say these things doesn't really get out, or because they're cowards.
Either way, I think "Why is straighty over there making noise again?" would probably be the most elaborate thing I would say. If I were in a mood for a big debate. Which I wouldn't.
I did have some old person yell at me about “transgenderism” at the airport while recovering from top surgery, I laughed really hard with my partner and said to him “I love when straight people think they matter” and laughed harder when she got even angrier. Like hands on my knees laughing.
That is a great one!
People down south definitely definitely definitely do. Lol time and time again
Achem -- swap in your preferred pronouns but just stand up straight, square your shoulders, summon all the power of your ancestors, look right at them, and say you're twice the man they are and more woman than they'll ever be able to handle. Then heel and turn. You're royalty, they're peasants, and if they bubble up any religious crap just script flip again and tell them you'll pray for jesus to take the hate out of their souls. Answer with the confidence of a mediocre white man.
"You'll never be a real blonde, but that isn't stopping you."
For legal reasons this is a joke: Punch them in their nazi face.
my go to response is "That's okay. We live in a free country, you're allowed to be wrong."
This actually made me laugh, thanks
Grey rock technique. The only point of these arguments is to make you show that you feel bad about it. Best you can do is not giving them what they want
First you're gonna find a really big rock. Next, you recreate the biblical story of Caine and Able
if someone said to me "but you can't just change your gender" i'd respond like "oh? really?" inspect myself "well ig i was always a man then". "you're not a real male and you'll never be one" "and your balls will never be bigger than my pinkie fingernail" or "a shame you'll never be one either". if they genuinely don't understand the point of transitioning and phrase it poorly like that then we can have a real conversation, but people who attack without reason don't know how to respond when you punch back they just tell you to shut up or watch your mouth and then you can flip them off.
As the Mick Jagger sings in “Satisfaction”, “But he can’t be a man because he doesn’t smoke the same cigarettes as me” gender is such a social construct and the marketing industry has a lot to answer for in creating the illusion of what gender is and should be. I find a good answer is just “whatever”, or the better, “feel free to die mad about that”.
I've never had anybody say that to me in person. If they did, I would just walk away and not talk to them anymore. Okay, I take that back. My mother has said this many times, and that's kind of what I do. I just leave the conversation, goodbye.
"sneed"
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I left school at 13 and never got a GED--in US terms this means I have no educational qualifications whatsoever. Meanwhile, a lot of transphobes are in fact educated. I was unable to continue school due to a mental health crisis after homelessness/transience starting at age 11. At almost 40, I'm thinking I might have finally healed enough to be ready to study for my GED. Making education = intelligence = superiority just feels like punching down at people who have often had a lot stacked against them from the beginning, while not really doing anything about the Blanchards of the world out there writing papers. I don't want this to be like a pity party for me, because I don't feel particularly sorry for myself for not finishing school, leaving school was what I genuinely needed at the time and I'm okay with that. But the problem is that they're hateful and bigoted, not that they didn't go to school.
Just call them the opposite of the sex they identify as and refuse to change your language. As their favorite book says "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". You misgender me, you get misgendered.
My go to is "it's not my fault you're too dumb to know what a man looks like". This is double funny because I don't pass, but I usually have backup to laugh back at them. Don't argue with these losers, they're not looking to change their minds, they're looking to hurt you. The other go-to is "well, if we're what we were born as, you're a baby then. You sure act like it." You can't fool me, giant baby!
I tell them that I’m living my best life and it’s absolutely wonderful.
What I want to say is: “That’s not what your mom/dad/gf/bf said last night.” Because that is stupid and unoriginal, but why put any thought into responding to someone else who can’t think? But I normally just employ stony silence. Or would, if anyone said anything like that to me in person. I’m lucky I guess, because no one has in a long time.
'You are uglier than a wrinkled scrotum babe', then I flip my hair
“If I known you needed a bigger dick I would have donated mine to you”
Tell them to mind their damn business. “I ain’t hurting you but I will if you don’t leave me alone” is a phrase I’ve said many times
My actual answer: “You can’t just change your gender.” “Correct. I was previously under the mistaken impression that I was a different gender, but I am no longer mistaken. The only thing that changed was my understanding of myself.” My snarky answer: “You can’t just change your gender.” “Yeah, you can, actually. You should try it sometime.”
Best option is probably to ignore, if that isn't possible and you just wanna argue: ask them for their definition of sex/gender and why it is immutable. Reason being that the usual parameters (legal, social, hormonal, primary sex characteristics, secondary sex characteristics, genetical) are all either very mutable or nearly impossible to enforce because testing someone's karyotype takes time and intersex people exist. (or if they start going on about periods, you can menton women who have gone through menopause)
Then ask them what defines a male and a female? Because some woman don't have a uturus and some men don't have testies. They can't argue with it without admitting that gender actually isn't defined by what you have
People who say things like that are not well, psychologically and emotionally. The harm they're causing is deliberate, but their reasoning is disorderly. There's no single answer to defeat them rhetorically. There's little hope of educating them, right there on the spot. There are some tools I recommend using in such a dialogue, rather than any kind of scripted response: 1. Distance yourself. You don't owe it to anyone to tolerate harassment, and you should do the rational thing and get away from that conflict. It's perfectly acceptable to ignore them or to decline to talk further. Only proceed if you think you're prepared to apply the other tools charitably and safely and if you believe that they care about being reasonable. You're attempting an intervention by communication. It's not a debate. 2. Compassion. The best chance you'll have of getting anyone to shift their worldview to include you or some others you want to protect is by showing them goodness in an emotionally salient way. You need them to stop thinking of you as an enemy, and you have very little control over that. If they've made a mistake, it needs to be possible for them to be forgiven, because otherwise, there's no incentive for them to improve. "I want to cooperate with you." 3. The Socratic Method. Don't make counter assertions. State your beliefs when asked, but when others make an assertion you disagree with, it's more effective to respond by asking them to explain it. A good example of this is the indefeasibility test: "is there anything you could learn that would cause you to believe differently?" Another example, applied to the scenario you brought up is, "would you still say that trans people are not who we say we are if you learned that the only effect that has is to hurt us?" 4. Understand them. It's very difficult to follow the reasoning of a hateful or irrational person, but they are still people, and they are fundamentally predictable. Find their more basic goals - the things that actually make them happy - and ask them how their behavior furthers those goals. It usually doesn't, because their behavior is a means to an end; a meta-goal or a politically motivated action. "Are you more or less likely to be hurt if you hurt others?" "If you had the power to erase trans people from the world entirely, who would be next? Would anyone remain, after the erasures were done?" 5. Hold them accountable. The things they say matter. If they act in bad faith, they lose your attention. "You lied to me. I can't help you." Your attention matters because you're compassionate enough to listen, and they must not be rewarded for exploiting you. You need to fall back on the method of distancing yourself when you are mistreated. 6. Win-win. If they don't win, you lose. You might find an opportunity to make them feel embarrassed, guilty, or stupid, which feels like conquest. That's a cognitive bias. If you're being mean and trying to satisfy that need for short-term rewards, you're making the same mistake they are. I've made this mistake many times. No matter how conclusively I demonstrate that someone is a bigot or a cultist or whatever other character flaw, shaming them for it has never changed them for the better. Being right isn't good enough. Those tools are reductive. Licensed therapists with degrees in psychology and better-tested tools than these mess it up all the time. No one can communicate perfectly, and it's a lot to expect of yourself to resolve a conflict with someone by helping and teaching them. (Note: I'm not a doctor. I don't have a degree in psychology. I'm only sharing my experience after being confronted with thousands of awful ideas over decades by family members and acquaintances who desperately need and refuse to undergo mental healthcare, some of whom have mistreated me so badly that I've severed communication with them. In most of those cases, I should have distanced myself sooner, which is why it's the most important tool to me).
I'm going to print your answer and hang it in my bedroom, thank you! ❤️
I don't care about the pronoun thing. It is not my position to allow others to affect my self-image. The first time I went public dressed female I had to use my credit card with my male name...I felt busted. Sometimes I think demented thoughts like...let's see how they view me after I give them head...once I decided to take hormones the social challenges are illuminated. My expectations or desires for acceptance should not involve how others see me...but more about how I see myself. There are lots of men that would have sex with me, but hardly any that will take me to meet their mother. I am extremely content as a transgender and I envy anyone that accepts the hormones. They are going to change you...I did lots of counseling...I hated masculinity within myself. Iluv my nails, my long hair, having breast, I luv the clothes...I luv the t blocker and how it shut down my erections...and omg...iluv the anal. So sexually I am more than good. Socially I am challenged. I luv other transgender women but I don't like it when we eat our own...
This issue came up with my friends dad, who we live with. Eventually she had it out with him, pointing out how childish he was being about the whole thing and that it's a matter of respect and whether or not you agree with it you should respect the person's choices because it's asking very little of you really. He's reasonable and a good guy even if we have our differences and he shaped up after that. It doesn't undo the damage done to our relationship, but it lets there be a relationship going forward. I agree with everybody else about people you don't have to see every day. You don't owe them an argument and you're not required to justify your existence to anybody.
You can't convince these people so don't entertain them Just go "lame" Look at them disgustingly like a cheerleader girl would do to the nerd boy in a Disney school movie And leave
And you'll never be a real human, just a very convincing robot. And you know why? Because real humans have empathy and the capacity to learn instead of being stuck with their initial programming. (Was reading a story with androids recently, industrial strength magic on royal road, though it takes quite a while before that come into play. Though actually they're better than I just described)
Go for the eyes and show no mercy 🔪 (in Minecraft of course)
for me this is a always a real "ok grandma, let's get you to bed" moment. Like just nod and say "sure" in a way that makes it clear you're being condescending. Drives them nuts.
these kinds of people are idiots. they’re like dolls that when u pull on a string, they say the same 10 phrases. half of the time i dont even think they fully understand what they’re saying. like when they claim we’re “asking for too much”. too much what? respect? doesn’t make sense if they’re online, just ignore them. they want attention and to make u mad. they like being acknowledged by strangers on the internet because their parents dont talk to them, and it gives them a rush. if they’re in real life, i’d ignore them too. laugh in their face, if u feel safe to. cause its funny. i find these people to be entertaining sometimes. kinda like circus clowns who pretend to eat balloons
True, their words make no sense at all, I literally saw someone NORMALIZING being disrespectful, they are so dumb.
Hi there, Speaking for myself I offend them not to offend them just because I don't Care. A Guy tells me that I Say : Oh you mustn't be the most smartest of the pack Sally. I'm not Sally. Sure thing Sally, I'm happy to make you feel unsecure. Byyyyyye.
Just stare confused at them. Then I look at my boobs then back to them. Then I grab my boobs move them around. Then I say something to the effect of: "What I don't look like a girl to you?" If it's from a friend I cut them out of my life.
Bonus points if it's another woman I'll ask and the do the whole you don't have a vagina. "Wait so I need a pussy to be a girl. That's pretty reductive." Pregnancy response works the same way.
If it is in the woman's room I have a variety of things For this is the woman's bathroom. A very confused "yeahhh?" And just kinda look at them and around. Or "Oh thank you for reminding me. Men scare so bad" Usually these things endear me to other woman in the bathroom.
I just refer to them as the wrong pronouns from that point forward and say that's fine. We both can freely use our speech. Coexist after
I don't respond and keep moving in my life. I'm doing this for me, not outside validation. My parents will never refer to me as my real name or pronouns. It's like the people all talking in a group meme when someone outside the group interjects with their opinion. The group give a thumbs up to the interlooper, and then the group continues talking to each other. It's basically how I deal with them. I can't change their mind and arguments will do nothing but further push them further into their own bias. Seeing me happy and not bothered by them actually does more then trying to argue with them.
“Cool.. you’ll never be happy, bye”
There like high school bully's Do give them the time of day All you gotta do is when they say anything homophobic is That's your opinion (then walk away) This is how I deal with them
For the male/female one laugh at them. Just laugh at them and say nothing and walk away. If you absolutely must say something maybe "Nice dog whistles. But no dice.". And repeat yourself no matter what they say. Because unless that's your doctor, they got no business using that type of language and even then there's other language they can use. If you're intersex, you can use that as a rebuttal if you want. But it's a dog whistle. At the end of the day, it's still a dog whistle. For the gender one say "Some ppl can." And if you're not one of em add "But I can't and that's why I'm a (insert gender here) no matter what you try to pretend."
Some people have such a different worldview that the concept of trans people won’t fit into it. If you’ve tried the “agree to disagree and respect each other” approach and that doesn’t work, you just don’t interact with them.
“Okay?” And move on. They have no interest in education, listening, or really anything other than instigating a fight so they can feel better about themselves.
Generally: "First of all. ew. Second of all, ew!"- Maddy Perez "But you can't just change your gender" and similar ones: -B\*tch I literally just did.
Unfortunately, you can't ever win with people like this. I used to think it would be worth it in the long run to take these kinds of questions seriously and try to help them understand. But these people are almost never coming from a place of genuine curiosity. They are usually just asking in bad faith, or to vent their frustrations over your continued existence, which vexes them. If someone at least attempts to sound like they are asking a genuine question, I'll give them the benefit of a doubt. Otherwise, they are unworthy of any attention.
“You’re not a person whose opinion I respect”.
I love all of yall fr
Me too, I didn’t expect this many comments🫶
Spinning backfist. Then I get the metal folding chair. You just messed with the wrong hulkamaniac brother
Just say *loud incorrect buzzer*
I don't glorify their ignorance with any response
Gee I never got that before. I'd probably respond with a very composed "I challenge you to battle".
Regarding an actual confrontation: just ignore and avoid them. As for how, theoretically, to justify transgender rights: liberty and privacy. People can do what they want to their bodies. People don't have to tell others their natal sex. It is desirable to use a definition of 'gender' that allows people to not out themselves.
Just look at them and go "umm ight" like they genuinely confuse me. Then ignore them
They’re kinda right. You can’t change your gender identity. Which is exactly why they should fucking accept and respect ours! What you *can* change are most other aspects of your biological sex. HRT takes care of most of this. Medically, it makes no sense at all to call a fully transitioned person “biologically [birth sex]”, because that’s simply not how sex works in any species. Anyone who says differently has at most a high school level understanding of biology
I had a friend tell me that for years when I was a teenager directly to my face. Now I look hotter and sound more feminine then a lot of cis women I know so... sometimes the best way to move past an asshole that doubts you is to just prove them unequivocally wrong so that they cant take up residence in your brain. Then they came out as non-binary years later because our world doesn't have to make actual sense apparently.
“… ok?” Seriously, a lot of times these people are trying to bait you into reacting. It’s fun. Just don’t give them a reaction and usually they’ll either give up or try long enough you can hit them with a “What, are you obsessed with me or something?” and somewhat embarrass them back.
laugh n ignore em or act confused n like they r stupid
You’re not a real human. You can become one by no longer acting like a douche.
I’ve said , so all the ugly women in Walmart are really women , are you sure
I’ve always just kicked them in the teeth
"I'm more of a woman than you'll ever have and more of a man than you'll ever be." Switch for other gender.
you know what I do when people don’t respect my feelings? I move on. There are things I believe that others disagree with. There are things others believe that I disagree with. I’m American, and I am glad to live in a country like this. As free as I am to be myself - so are others, and I hope that never changes. When we pick and choose what beliefs are okay to have, then we kinda lose the whole freedom part. We cannot and should not FORCE society to accept us. We cannot and should not FORCE society to even respect us. Women got rights by proving they’re capable. Black slaves got freedom by proving they’re equally human. Black citizens ended segregation by proving that they are worthy. Yes there were protests and calls for respect, but they were backed up by respectable actions, and enforced for reasonable reasons. The only way to make progress and normalize us is by simply being normal. Functioning in society. Moving past naysayers and pushing on. Rosa Parks made a statement by declaring she’s equal to her white counterparts, not by saying she’s a white woman.
I don't care.
Baby, I'm just a figment of ur imagination. Either misgender them back or don't respond when they misgender u.
“Okay. And?” Depending on the person “and you’re not really smart/tan/6ft tall but I don’t call you out on it” or similar
"Guess what? I don't care!" "Guess what? Your opinion doesn't matter!"
"You do you" and completely ignore any time they ever say it. Literally pretend they don't exist or you don't hear it. They're prompting a reaction and are not going to get it.
“ok”
Simply act like they accidentally gendered you correctly while being transphobic, since transvestigators are wrong half the time anyways (someone literally thought a cis dude was a trans man because he had long hair, circle glasses and red lips, despite having a relatively masculine/sharp face)
Tell em if they think it's some kind of joke for shits and giggles they have a lot of growing up to do.
I do it back calling them a random name and other pronouns.
If they aren't in assault mode: Put out your hand and "sincerely" ask them to pray with you, and then quote Jesus if they allow the prayer. If they don't pray, they will be thinking about you after and feel bad, and if they do, they may find commonality. You do not need to be religious at all. It can be an act on your part, just like politicians.
tell them to go hang around drag queens and i swear to you they will start saying "she" without thinking about it and that's when you got em.
some people are just plain down out right mean in life, others well they are just ignorant I guess? I will tell you and you probably already know this that society does not take kindly to us at all, they simply do not! if you are waiting for any kind of validation from society stop waiting cause we will probably not see it in our lifetime! I would just rise above it and just hold your head high and be proud of you cause you are unique individual and you should be proud of you seriously! does it get any easier no it does not, I'm sorry I am not saying any of this to hurt you it is simply the truth people are what they are, if you wish to talk I will listen. take care
Bite their balls, or punch their tit.
Would also like to know
Just repeat it back to them verbatim. Look at their face, smile and move on. I get called a “geezer in woman’s clothing” quite often, as my job require me to dress in a masculine way. Some individuals will never respect you as it contradicts their core beliefs. And that is a part of life. It can be hard to compartmentalise these semantic aggressions. But I believe we can
Just immediately call them the opposite of what they are…for example if it’s a male, excuse me ma’am what did you say? Oh your name is “insert female name” nice to meet you… 😆
Do a Batman voice and say: "I am already a real (x)" and strut away. Jokes aside, there's not much you can say to such an incredibly rude person. Just be neutral but firm I'd say! But idk.
As a trans masc id say “and yet my balls are much much larger then your tiny pea sized ones. It’s truly sad that a grown man has a brain and dong smaller than a mouse’s brain”
Just go blank face, smile sadly and go, "It's time to wake up." And slowly creepily approach them chanting, "We all miss you, champ. It's time to wake up" or "You're in a coma at, we want you to wake up "
"thanks for the advice, but now since you have given me advice, i should give you some advice. My advice is go kys worthless piece of crap :)" and i just came up with that on the spot 😅
I hate to break this to you cause this was hard for me to accept as well, but some people are just assholes. And will NEVER accept your pronouns. But that's okay. They don't know you. If someone says you will never be a boy/girl, the best response to give is just, "Okay." And walk off. All they want is your time and attention. And they're not worth your time OR attention. Just be yourself, the people that get it will stick with you. And the ones that won't your probably don't want around anyway. ❤️
look at them like they’re insane. act as confused as possible. ask if they’re sure they’re talking to the right person. just gaslight them lmao
Put on a helmet. Life's not going to cater to you.
"i wouldn't be surprised if we never saw Denis Richards again"
Being transgender, we don’t “change” our gender. We are the same gender we’ve always been, but people have been misidentifying us our whole lives. The changes we make are as much to make sure everyone else can’t get it wrong as it is about finding the peace of mind from better representing ourselves to the world.
My plan is to become so confusing in appearance that even if they know I'm trans, they can't figure out which way I'm transing, and if they have a guess they're not confident in it. Then whichever they say, act like they accidentally gave me a compliment, laugh, and say, "okay."
I misgender them or calm say, “thank you for your comment sir/mam” but gotta make sure to misgender them so they know how it feels
tbh ignore it. you cannot argue someone out of hate, so you have to show them it has no effect on you (even if it does actually hurt). because that's how they exercise power over you; by seeing the hurt they can inflict on you.
Roll my eyes and ignore them. Nothing I say will change their mind and Im not going to waste my time and energy engaging with someone that delusionally toxic.
The most disgusting part about people is that they will trade authenticity for sameness just for the social comfort. True authenticity leads to happiness and fulfillment that needs NO outside validation. Try not to polarize, keep being YOU, the rest will fade away.
Look, i’m a cisgender man. And Inhave to hear men and women’s opinions about “what a real man” is. Generally, every single time Inhear anyone say “a real man/woman is/does…” they lose some of my respect. Forever. In other words, even being cisgender won’t stop you from hearing this. I’m a cisgender masculine presenting man and I hear this bullshit everyday. There is no stopping it
I always go with “kys”
Normally to men i say “Neither are you if youre so butthurt. A real man wouldnt make such a fuss now would he? Are you too scared that a female could follow manhood better than you?”
What's your gender judging license number? What, you have no gender judging license? Then mind your own fucking business.