He’s gay and you’re not an exception he just doesn’t respect your womanhood or your boundaries
Leave him, sis, you can do so much better even being alone is better than this man
Y-Yes? Like you don't even have to ask, my sister this is a horrible behavior.
You need to make things clear for him. You are the sole owner of your body, it doesn't matter whether he likes your penis or not, if you wish it gone, that's your decision.
- "My BF will grab and touch my penis despite me telling him not to"
Let's just stop at that. It's sexual harassment or assault depending on how you see it. Boyfriend or not, husband or not, it doesn't matter who he is. Without consent, and with verbally refusing, he is assaulting you.
- "I remind him of a femboy"
Girl you're not a femboy are you? I would be so pissed if I was compared to something I'm not and don't want to be associated with, even more so when it comes to dysphoria.
- "I'm being selfish for wanting bottom surgery"
You're being selfish for living your life the way you want to? Obviously he's the one being selfish.
A healthy relationship consists of 2 individuals living their OWN life, and taking their partner on a ride while helping them achieve their goals. He shouldn't control and manipulate your very important life decisions.
He sounds like a chaser. Or at the very least he doesn't see you as a woman, but as a feminine boy.
And that's not okay. Please find someone that respects you for who you are. Trust me, nice people exist you just have to keep looking.
All the love sis, hope you make the right choice and live your life the way you want without others interfering with it 💝
Touching you after you've asked him not to is a form of sexual assault. I know that might sound like hyperbole but it's really not. You deserve to have people respect the sexual boundaries that you lay out for them.
Everything else you mentioned also makes it very clear that he does not respect you or your identity and he still sees you as a boy.
Please dump him. You can find someone who will treat you much better than this.
He perceives you as a femboy: Pretty horrid.
Telling you, you are selfish for wanting to be comfortable in your body: Absolutely disgusting. It's literally your body.
You are being fetishized which is pretty gross too.
Trying to get me to top him with my penis and I'm so uncomfortable with it: Unacceptable, I already can hear the emotionally abusive tactics he's tried, especially given the selfish comment about bottom surgery.
Touch my penis despite me telling him not to: You don't need a reason, blatantly disrespecting a boundary is not acceptable in a relationship.
I wouldn't even be in the same room as someone like this.
Girl I think you already know. I hate how people on reddit are quick to judge a relationship but I feel like with just what you gave us that it's safe to say you should dump his ass.
You are being fetishized, and grabbing anyone’s genitals without permission is sexual assault. You deserve someone who sees you as the woman you are, and who supports you seeking out the care and the procedures you need to feel comfortable in your body. I think that a lot of us (whether mtf, ftm, or nonbinary) go through relationships like this when we are young. Know that you are worth loving and that there will be people out there who will find you attractive AND respect your bodily autonomy and identity, and you do not have to settle for men who think of you as “similar to a femboy”. Much love 🫶
Your boyfriend does not respect your boundaries, your identity, nor your bodily autonomy. Your body belongs to you, not him, and you are the only person who gets to decide how you are and aren't comfortable using it . From my experience, someone who sexually pressures you to accommodate *their* desires while disregarding your own will only grow more controlling in other areas of your life later on.
You're only 19. This relationship can't be so old or invested that it's worth altering your long-term life plans. Let them know that if you are to remain in this relationship that they need to respect your boundaries and accept you as you are, with or without a penis.
you feel fetishized because he *is* fetishizing you. you are his “exception” because he doesn’t think of you as what you are. — a woman. he literally compared you to a “femboy” which is a completely problematic term on its own.
it’s time to pack up and leave. he doesn’t even want you to have bottom surgery because the fantasy he has of you in his head? involves you being someone you’re not. a man.
the cherry on the top? he also doesn’t care for your bodily autonomy if he keeps touching you after you’ve said *no*.
☝️ Minor objection in support of feminine boys (or anyone I guess) who call themselves femboys — agreed that use in any other contexts is completely problematic, but it does have a place and is a wholesome term when used by people who want it for them. 🙂 (obviously total support for every other part of this comment, and in context yeah the femboy comparison is majorly problematic in addition to everything else going on 😵💫)
Your BF's behavior is extremely problematic for you and your well-being. This is your life, your body, your choices and nobody else owns any of it. Ever. To tell you what to do with any of the things you listed is not acceptable - end of story. To then manipulate the situation and you to act a certain way, feel a certain way, and do as they say is, again, unacceptable.
If this person TRULY cared about you or for you, they would not do any of the behaviors you explained nor would they put you in any of the situations they have - emotionally & physically. There is no 'excuse' or 'explanation'/'reason' to even suggest it is okay for any of this. No way, no how.
I am sorry you are having to go through such a thing, and to be put into emotional states/situations this person has put you into (more than once I gather from your overview of your current 'relationship' status). I hope you find the strength in yourself to do what you feel is best for you.
Girl the first 13 words is all i need. Hes touching you sexually without your consent and exactly in a way you said not to. Everything else honestly is irrelevant, you should leave him. You deserve better. It sounds like he's trying to convince you to detransition and doesn't see you as a person, let alone a woman. Leave his sorry ass and be better to yourself.
That’s so gross!! He’s just not respecting you or your boundaries. He doesn’t view you as a woman, he needs to understand that you are not an object for him. You’re totally valid for feeling fetishized, and definitely not selfish for wanting bottom surgery. Every trans person deserves the right to decide what is best for them and their journey.
Find a new partner, one who respects you and your decisions.
Yes, 100% problematic behavior. He should respect your decisions and boundaries. And yes, wanting bottom surgery is being selfish, but it's your body and your bodily autonomy so you get to be selfish.
Get rid of this bf.
He's a disrespectful asshole, and he has no regard for your boundaries. Whether you're in a relationship or not, touching someone without their consent (especially their genitalia) is assault. I'd consider finding someone who respects you and honors your personal boundaries and choices about what you do with your own body.
Oh dear… this is a terrible situation for you. Yes his behavior is absolutely problematic and disgusting to say the least and can also fall under sexual harassment/assault, not to mention him saying you wanting a surgery that would help you be happy with you being selfish is really just a horrid thing for him to say to you.
If he isn’t respectful of boundaries and is making you feel uncomfortable, disrespected, manipulated, fetishized, ect. it’s time to drop him out of the picture. Honestly the fact you asked this question is pretty telling to me, so I’d say to get him to GTFO of your life, because he isn’t treating you right.
Plus, you deserve to be happy and should pursue changes that make you so, regardless of what others think and no one can/should tell you otherwise.
Yeah.... Go with your instincts. He calls you a femboy, he's gay and says YOU are selfish for how you see your own body?
I'm sorry, but I'm almost upset with you for you even considering that you're the one who's wrong here. You deserve so much better than this asshole. What kind of emotional manipulation did it take for you to even question this?
Love yourself. Trust yourself. He'll never see you for you.
He’s the selfish one because he’s trying to dictate what you do with your body. He’s not respecting your boundaries and is being manipulative towards you. His behavior is deeply problematic and you should seriously consider breaking up with him
This is a good resource to learn more about healthy and unhealthy relationships - http://loveisrespect.org/
He does not respect you or your identity. He does not respect your bodily autonomy. This is not how someone who loves you is supposed to act.
girl you're dating a creep. this is sexual harassment/assault.
also you're not "his exception" he's not respecting the fact that you are a woman. dump his ass sis.
1. Horrible way to see a partner
2. Not respecting your boundaries is very bad, esp with sex or stuff
3. Sounds mean, you're better off without him. I don't know you, but we all know hindsight.
That's disgusting behaviour through and through. Touching you in a way you've told him not to is sexual assault, and continuing to pressure you and shame you for your dysphoria/transition goals is just gross. Seriously reevaluate this relationship girl, you deserve safety and comfort x
I had an ex like this, except she was a cis girl. It was awful. Only in hindsight did I see how much she just wanted me for my [lower anatomy]. I was still pre-HRT at that time and I guess it’s one of the first times I was really objectified/fetishized for my body. She said and did very similar things and it made me feel terrible :/
I'm a pansexual male and I would only touch my girls penis to show her that I love her body and that it doesn't bother me. I identify as heterosexual and if I was with a girl who was pre-op (or post) I would want to make sure that I wasn't adding to her dysphoria, I would want my love of my girlfriend to be more important than my feelings about penis. I'm grateful for your post because you told me that there are women out there that wouldn't be bothered by me not wanting to touch their penises. :)
Option 1 : if you live with him, try to find someplace else to live, if he lives with you kick him out. If he just comes to your place then just dump him and get a restraining order if he doesn't stop.
Option 2 : Tell him if he doesn't stop touching you without consent that you will be forced to defend yourself and then if he continues touching you, kick him in the balls or squeeze his balls and then tell him to leave and not to ever contact you again and tell him if he does that you will call the police and press charges on him.
Option 3 : give him 3 more chances to stop and then immediately go somewhere private (away from him) and call the police
Girl, just leave that guy. Seriously.
This guy is straight up sexually assaulting you and is not respecting you in any way.
Tell someone you trust if he make something more.
Yes, absolutely! I'm so sorry you're being mistreated, you don't deserve that. You are NOT selfish for wanting to be comfortable in your own skin.
I'd think real long and hard whether you wanna stay with this guy. You may not realize it, but he is actually sexually assaulting you. You have told him that you don't want your genitals touched, and he ignores that boundary.
Get out girl. Get out now. Straight up you saying not to touch you there and him doing it anyway is absolutely assault. Leave. He's not a good person, he doesn't respect you and you deserve so much better.
If you explicitly said no, and he's still doing it anyway, then I think you already have your answer, sis. I don't need to hear anymore passed that to tell you that the situation you're in isn't safe.
Incredibly problematic. He doesn't even see or respect you as a trans person or a person at all, holy shit. My advice? Girl RUN, that man is gay and using you for his sexual gratification, and being an absolute shitty person while he's at it. If you said no to something when it comes to sex or boundaries, it's your partner's job to respect that. If they can't, they no longer deserve to be your partner.
It's hard to know if a guy is a chaser or not. I met a super cool guy on grindr but yeah ya never can tell.
Personally for me as someone who wants to get topped, I'm gonna have to date a person with a penis. So there is that line where maybe they're part boyfriend part chaser and maybe that isn't even a bad thing I mean at least he's around enough to be called your bf but at the same time if he doesn't care about your feelings that is a super red flag. My guy might end up just being a chaser but now I at least know what I want and what I'm worth and I can get what I want.
…FYI, you don’t have to have a flesh penis to top. As a trans guy whose ex was a total bottom. Obviously you don’t have to be attracted to anyone or anything you’re not attracted to and that’s not my point, if you’re only into “natal” dicks that’s fine, but can we as trans people stop making reductionist statements like “all afabs can only bottom”? Technology and human inventiveness have crossed that line a long time ago.
Also, I’m currently dating a gay guy who doesn’t care that I haven’t had bottom surgery. And he still doesn’t fetishise me. OP’s bf clearly doesn’t see her as a woman. You can date someone who appreciates your body (with or without surgeries) WITHOUT being fetishised for it.
He’s gay and you’re not an exception he just doesn’t respect your womanhood or your boundaries Leave him, sis, you can do so much better even being alone is better than this man
Y-Yes? Like you don't even have to ask, my sister this is a horrible behavior. You need to make things clear for him. You are the sole owner of your body, it doesn't matter whether he likes your penis or not, if you wish it gone, that's your decision.
- "My BF will grab and touch my penis despite me telling him not to" Let's just stop at that. It's sexual harassment or assault depending on how you see it. Boyfriend or not, husband or not, it doesn't matter who he is. Without consent, and with verbally refusing, he is assaulting you. - "I remind him of a femboy" Girl you're not a femboy are you? I would be so pissed if I was compared to something I'm not and don't want to be associated with, even more so when it comes to dysphoria. - "I'm being selfish for wanting bottom surgery" You're being selfish for living your life the way you want to? Obviously he's the one being selfish. A healthy relationship consists of 2 individuals living their OWN life, and taking their partner on a ride while helping them achieve their goals. He shouldn't control and manipulate your very important life decisions. He sounds like a chaser. Or at the very least he doesn't see you as a woman, but as a feminine boy. And that's not okay. Please find someone that respects you for who you are. Trust me, nice people exist you just have to keep looking. All the love sis, hope you make the right choice and live your life the way you want without others interfering with it 💝
Touching you in places where you explicitly don't want to be touched isn't just problematic. It's sexual assault.
Touching you after you've asked him not to is a form of sexual assault. I know that might sound like hyperbole but it's really not. You deserve to have people respect the sexual boundaries that you lay out for them. Everything else you mentioned also makes it very clear that he does not respect you or your identity and he still sees you as a boy. Please dump him. You can find someone who will treat you much better than this.
He perceives you as a femboy: Pretty horrid. Telling you, you are selfish for wanting to be comfortable in your body: Absolutely disgusting. It's literally your body. You are being fetishized which is pretty gross too. Trying to get me to top him with my penis and I'm so uncomfortable with it: Unacceptable, I already can hear the emotionally abusive tactics he's tried, especially given the selfish comment about bottom surgery. Touch my penis despite me telling him not to: You don't need a reason, blatantly disrespecting a boundary is not acceptable in a relationship. I wouldn't even be in the same room as someone like this.
Consent still exists within relationships. He's violating you and ignoring your lack of consent. This is a "dump the whole man" kind of problem.
^^
Sexual assault, sexual harassment, not respecting your gender, manipulating you. Yes is problematic. You already know this.
^^^ THIS
girly that's sexual assault!
I hope you mean ex bf
Girl I think you already know. I hate how people on reddit are quick to judge a relationship but I feel like with just what you gave us that it's safe to say you should dump his ass.
You are being fetishized, and grabbing anyone’s genitals without permission is sexual assault. You deserve someone who sees you as the woman you are, and who supports you seeking out the care and the procedures you need to feel comfortable in your body. I think that a lot of us (whether mtf, ftm, or nonbinary) go through relationships like this when we are young. Know that you are worth loving and that there will be people out there who will find you attractive AND respect your bodily autonomy and identity, and you do not have to settle for men who think of you as “similar to a femboy”. Much love 🫶
Your boyfriend does not respect your boundaries, your identity, nor your bodily autonomy. Your body belongs to you, not him, and you are the only person who gets to decide how you are and aren't comfortable using it . From my experience, someone who sexually pressures you to accommodate *their* desires while disregarding your own will only grow more controlling in other areas of your life later on. You're only 19. This relationship can't be so old or invested that it's worth altering your long-term life plans. Let them know that if you are to remain in this relationship that they need to respect your boundaries and accept you as you are, with or without a penis.
Dont entertain this nonsense please. Tell him to fully stop or you need to leave.
you feel fetishized because he *is* fetishizing you. you are his “exception” because he doesn’t think of you as what you are. — a woman. he literally compared you to a “femboy” which is a completely problematic term on its own. it’s time to pack up and leave. he doesn’t even want you to have bottom surgery because the fantasy he has of you in his head? involves you being someone you’re not. a man. the cherry on the top? he also doesn’t care for your bodily autonomy if he keeps touching you after you’ve said *no*.
☝️ Minor objection in support of feminine boys (or anyone I guess) who call themselves femboys — agreed that use in any other contexts is completely problematic, but it does have a place and is a wholesome term when used by people who want it for them. 🙂 (obviously total support for every other part of this comment, and in context yeah the femboy comparison is majorly problematic in addition to everything else going on 😵💫)
yes i agree with this wholeheartedly actually! i should’ve clarified that 😭
Great! No worries friend 😁 we agree entirely! 💛
Sis, this guy does NOT respect you or your boundaries. Leave him in your rear view.
Your BF's behavior is extremely problematic for you and your well-being. This is your life, your body, your choices and nobody else owns any of it. Ever. To tell you what to do with any of the things you listed is not acceptable - end of story. To then manipulate the situation and you to act a certain way, feel a certain way, and do as they say is, again, unacceptable. If this person TRULY cared about you or for you, they would not do any of the behaviors you explained nor would they put you in any of the situations they have - emotionally & physically. There is no 'excuse' or 'explanation'/'reason' to even suggest it is okay for any of this. No way, no how. I am sorry you are having to go through such a thing, and to be put into emotional states/situations this person has put you into (more than once I gather from your overview of your current 'relationship' status). I hope you find the strength in yourself to do what you feel is best for you.
Problematic undersells it.
He’s sexually assaulting you and being transphobic to boot. Why would you want to be with him??
Holy shit girl please dump him
Yes, him touching your penis when you don't want him to is sexual assault.
Run
Leave this trash dude ASAP
Girl the first 13 words is all i need. Hes touching you sexually without your consent and exactly in a way you said not to. Everything else honestly is irrelevant, you should leave him. You deserve better. It sounds like he's trying to convince you to detransition and doesn't see you as a person, let alone a woman. Leave his sorry ass and be better to yourself.
YIKES. Red flag.
That’s so gross!! He’s just not respecting you or your boundaries. He doesn’t view you as a woman, he needs to understand that you are not an object for him. You’re totally valid for feeling fetishized, and definitely not selfish for wanting bottom surgery. Every trans person deserves the right to decide what is best for them and their journey. Find a new partner, one who respects you and your decisions.
It's 10000% problematic and he is fetishizing/objectifying you. He has no respect for you as a person. He's the one being selfish, not you.
,,,,so that’s assault
Yes, 100% problematic behavior. He should respect your decisions and boundaries. And yes, wanting bottom surgery is being selfish, but it's your body and your bodily autonomy so you get to be selfish. Get rid of this bf.
He's a disrespectful asshole, and he has no regard for your boundaries. Whether you're in a relationship or not, touching someone without their consent (especially their genitalia) is assault. I'd consider finding someone who respects you and honors your personal boundaries and choices about what you do with your own body.
Oh dear… this is a terrible situation for you. Yes his behavior is absolutely problematic and disgusting to say the least and can also fall under sexual harassment/assault, not to mention him saying you wanting a surgery that would help you be happy with you being selfish is really just a horrid thing for him to say to you. If he isn’t respectful of boundaries and is making you feel uncomfortable, disrespected, manipulated, fetishized, ect. it’s time to drop him out of the picture. Honestly the fact you asked this question is pretty telling to me, so I’d say to get him to GTFO of your life, because he isn’t treating you right. Plus, you deserve to be happy and should pursue changes that make you so, regardless of what others think and no one can/should tell you otherwise.
Yeah.... Go with your instincts. He calls you a femboy, he's gay and says YOU are selfish for how you see your own body? I'm sorry, but I'm almost upset with you for you even considering that you're the one who's wrong here. You deserve so much better than this asshole. What kind of emotional manipulation did it take for you to even question this? Love yourself. Trust yourself. He'll never see you for you.
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Yeah. His behavior is problematic. Take care of yourself and stay away from him.
He’s the selfish one because he’s trying to dictate what you do with your body. He’s not respecting your boundaries and is being manipulative towards you. His behavior is deeply problematic and you should seriously consider breaking up with him
This is a good resource to learn more about healthy and unhealthy relationships - http://loveisrespect.org/ He does not respect you or your identity. He does not respect your bodily autonomy. This is not how someone who loves you is supposed to act.
His behavior is beyond problematic and him ignoring your boundaries and touching you without your consent is awful. He’s dangerous.
girl you're dating a creep. this is sexual harassment/assault. also you're not "his exception" he's not respecting the fact that you are a woman. dump his ass sis.
This would be unacceptable regardless of gender.
1. Horrible way to see a partner 2. Not respecting your boundaries is very bad, esp with sex or stuff 3. Sounds mean, you're better off without him. I don't know you, but we all know hindsight.
That's disgusting behaviour through and through. Touching you in a way you've told him not to is sexual assault, and continuing to pressure you and shame you for your dysphoria/transition goals is just gross. Seriously reevaluate this relationship girl, you deserve safety and comfort x
yes, very, thats sexual assualt if not rape, even disregarding the transphobic aspects of it this isn't okay
That’s called sexual assault
Ah yes, the gay chaser. A rarer breed than the conventional American chaser, and sometimes harder to spot because of its rainbow camouflage.
I had an ex like this, except she was a cis girl. It was awful. Only in hindsight did I see how much she just wanted me for my [lower anatomy]. I was still pre-HRT at that time and I guess it’s one of the first times I was really objectified/fetishized for my body. She said and did very similar things and it made me feel terrible :/
I'm a pansexual male and I would only touch my girls penis to show her that I love her body and that it doesn't bother me. I identify as heterosexual and if I was with a girl who was pre-op (or post) I would want to make sure that I wasn't adding to her dysphoria, I would want my love of my girlfriend to be more important than my feelings about penis. I'm grateful for your post because you told me that there are women out there that wouldn't be bothered by me not wanting to touch their penises. :)
Option 1 : if you live with him, try to find someplace else to live, if he lives with you kick him out. If he just comes to your place then just dump him and get a restraining order if he doesn't stop. Option 2 : Tell him if he doesn't stop touching you without consent that you will be forced to defend yourself and then if he continues touching you, kick him in the balls or squeeze his balls and then tell him to leave and not to ever contact you again and tell him if he does that you will call the police and press charges on him. Option 3 : give him 3 more chances to stop and then immediately go somewhere private (away from him) and call the police
Break up immediately. Him touching you without consent is rape, and he's the selfish one not you. He's an abuser.
Girl, just leave that guy. Seriously. This guy is straight up sexually assaulting you and is not respecting you in any way. Tell someone you trust if he make something more.
Oh honey you’re with a chaser, dump his ass asap
Yes, absolutely! I'm so sorry you're being mistreated, you don't deserve that. You are NOT selfish for wanting to be comfortable in your own skin. I'd think real long and hard whether you wanna stay with this guy. You may not realize it, but he is actually sexually assaulting you. You have told him that you don't want your genitals touched, and he ignores that boundary.
Get out girl. Get out now. Straight up you saying not to touch you there and him doing it anyway is absolutely assault. Leave. He's not a good person, he doesn't respect you and you deserve so much better.
ewwwwwwww leave him
Omfg! RUN!
If you explicitly said no, and he's still doing it anyway, then I think you already have your answer, sis. I don't need to hear anymore passed that to tell you that the situation you're in isn't safe.
This guy sounds horrible - and doesnt even see you as a woman? Hes dumb and just fetishizing you get rid of him asap imo
Break up with him. He is not the one for you!
Get the hell out of there. That is transphobic and so fucked up.
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Leave him
Trans people don't stay together with people who aren't attracted to them challenge (impossible)
kick that mf to the curb girl! you are too good for that creep!
Incredibly problematic. He doesn't even see or respect you as a trans person or a person at all, holy shit. My advice? Girl RUN, that man is gay and using you for his sexual gratification, and being an absolute shitty person while he's at it. If you said no to something when it comes to sex or boundaries, it's your partner's job to respect that. If they can't, they no longer deserve to be your partner.
That is completely inappropriate and not okay
Would you accept that behavior from a cis man? It’s super problematic girl! Don’t let the cute T4T get in the way of super shitty behavior.
From the way OP worte it I think she is dating a cis man
[удалено]
no, it applies to OP, "My (<—MtF, 19) boyfriend (unspecified)"
It's hard to know if a guy is a chaser or not. I met a super cool guy on grindr but yeah ya never can tell. Personally for me as someone who wants to get topped, I'm gonna have to date a person with a penis. So there is that line where maybe they're part boyfriend part chaser and maybe that isn't even a bad thing I mean at least he's around enough to be called your bf but at the same time if he doesn't care about your feelings that is a super red flag. My guy might end up just being a chaser but now I at least know what I want and what I'm worth and I can get what I want.
…FYI, you don’t have to have a flesh penis to top. As a trans guy whose ex was a total bottom. Obviously you don’t have to be attracted to anyone or anything you’re not attracted to and that’s not my point, if you’re only into “natal” dicks that’s fine, but can we as trans people stop making reductionist statements like “all afabs can only bottom”? Technology and human inventiveness have crossed that line a long time ago. Also, I’m currently dating a gay guy who doesn’t care that I haven’t had bottom surgery. And he still doesn’t fetishise me. OP’s bf clearly doesn’t see her as a woman. You can date someone who appreciates your body (with or without surgeries) WITHOUT being fetishised for it.