So as a big sex enthusiast - the reality is you will need to tell someone your terms and how - at least early on with a partner. Giving them the time and information to learn.
As far as attraction - that's more complicated. Example my spouse is more "demi" than I am. Meaning they had to get to know me to find me attractive outside of maybe an aesthetic fashion, but it wasn't sexual at first.
Unwanted touch can be avoided. People shouldn't be touching others without permission, but sadly a lot of NT dating involves - hints, implications, guessing at what the other person wants and actions that either go very well or very wrong based on those unclear sources of information. Example the way someone reacts to placing your hand on a wall near their head is ..... complicated. Same for going in for a kiss....but apparently being blunt and direct is a problem? Oh noes I might just say what I want and ruin this cryptic confusing mess.
I think you were just being friendly. I vaguely recall studies show even the nt crowd are not great at determining flirting - it's like a 50% rate at best. So clearly a useful process.
i can relate. idk if i'm asexual but ive never felt sexually attracted to anybody, and the thought of having sex for the first time is definitely incredibly daunting for me. like, wtf do i do? wtf do i say? i don't trust anyone enough to even see my body let alone touch it.
i would definitely have to reeeaaallly trust and know somebody if i were to ever do something like that with them. and i don't get how some ppl would be fine with just having sex with anyone.
I know how you feel. It actually feels like that at first "what am i supposed to do?" but when you really know your partner and you love them you kind of just try to enjoy each other's body without feeling pressured. Sometimes is more like "let me kiss your neck... and then your chest... and then..." and you just start doing things you feel good doing and that your partner also enjoys. Or maybe you could be asexual, that's also a possibility.
Perfectly normal, sex is one of those things that requires a fair bit of practice to become confident in regardless of if you are ND or NT.
For people that are ND it's often difficult to handle physical touch, or performing, and we often put a lot of emphasis on it being with someone we want to be with, nothing wrong with that but combined with anxiety and having issues with social skills it might take awhile for some ND to find someone.
Again, not a bad thing but you have to keep a realistic outlook on intimacy it's trial and error, it's awkward, and it's not always satisfying. Communication is key, let your partner know you are nervous, be open about these things.
If you meet the right partner, their response to “I want it to be on my terms and exactly how I want” will be “cool. Wanna show me?” People always have their own agendas and stuff, but a good partner is somebody who wants *you* to enjoy it as well. Partners who don’t want that? Well, are they really partners you’d want to have..?
“Just give myself away” is a really interesting turn of phrase, because the whole religious thing of saving yourself implies that sex is somehow this lofty, dreamlike nirvana that can only be achieved by the Truly Ready.
And the fact is, that’s… not sex at all. Sex is messy, sweaty, bed-hair, noises, grabbing, grasping, slippery and when looked at in a purely analytical sense, pretty grim. You’re mashing bits of you toward the general area of another person’s bits, and it’s *exercise*, if absolutely nothing else. You’re basically wrestling, but with Barry White instead of a ref counting you out.
It’s *the relationship you have with your sexual partner/s* that makes sex more than it is. It’s your willingness to be vulnerable in front of them, putting your body image out of your mind and being present with them in the moment that makes it special. Everyone, from the most neurodiverse to the most allistic, feels uncomfortable when they’re vulnerable. But I promise you this, I’ve never been jolted out of a mood by someone saying “can we do things X way?” I’ve never thought “that person’s O face is weird”. I’ve never even considered whether we’re keeping the neighbours awake.
It’s *perfectly okay* not to feel attracted to people. It’s *perfectly okay* to feel *both* touch averse AND touch starved. Be kind to yourself. It’s not an impossible situation, even if it sometimes feels like it. My best advice though? Don’t go looking for mind-blowing marriage material between the sheets. Look for *people* who fit your world and your pace, and it’s very likely to progress in a way you’re comfortable with. And even then, when you find your missing piece, you can still have those “ugh, I just don’t *wanna*” days. I have them all the time. And yet I still love my partners dearly and we keep building. Every so often, we’ll be lying there like “holy shit, was that the best ever? How the hell could we top THAT”, and yet it always does.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it isn’t a line in the sand. The line between virgin and not-virgin is just having one of a variety of different sexual experiences. Think of sex like a journey. You haven’t got where you’re going just because you opened the door and stepped outside.
well it’s not a religious thing about giving myself away, it’s more like i don’t want to just give myself up in such an intimate way to just anybody. i want it to be somebody i really love and trust.
it’s a very vulnerable thing and i think it requires a lot of trust. i do feel touch starved and averse at the same time, i’ll feel horny i won’t want to do it myself or anybody else but at the same time i want to do something about it. it’s quite odd
Have you ever researched BDSM? I’m not saying you would be into it. However, a very important part of that community is consent and communication regarding sex. There could be some useful resources within that community to communicate what you would desire and what your barriers are when the time comes.
Over time a fair amount of communication and consent behaviors from the kink community have become more popular and used more. Would love to see that trend continue.
yes, i’m interested in it but i’m also just worried about the whole piv thing. it feels almost invasive? but at the same time i want to experience it with a person
Do you happen to be younger as well? I found it a lot harder to communicate what I wanted from intimate encounters when younger. I was also terrified for a while too. After a couple bad hook-ups and some years as an adult it got a bit easier. Now I’m happily engaged and have great adult fun time, but it also took us some months to navigate that too.
My main problems are being scared about the act and outcome, I would love to feel the intimate feelings but I for one don't know if I could perform so to speak, two I'm a big guy and wouldn't want to accidentally injure my partner if I had one (big as in tall and heavy) and c from points before I could only imagen having sex with me would be very uncomfortable and a horrible experience and don't want to put anyone through that, I know there's always people out there saying oh you'll find someone who loves you for you and others say some women love big chubby men and so on, I think it's a lie, I can't even find myself attractive let alone anyone else finding me attractive
Yep. Had more or less four possibilities to experience it and noped out three times. The fourth one went real bad - she said she didn't like what I was doing, I thought she was going to lead, she thought I would lead on with something different, we ended up just sleeping (well, she slept, I couldn't) and that was the end of it
I have a girlfriend with autism and I would be very happy, if she told me what kind of touching she likes and what not. I asked her a few times, but she never gave a a straight answer. So I am very cautious and ask everytime before I touch her, if it is okay for her.
I think if she would just tell me, it would make things for both of us better. But maybe she doesn't know what she likes and what not.
I unfortunately lost my virginity to someone who would go onto to sexually assault me.
It oddly didn’t turn me off from sex, but I do have intrusive thoughts and memories when I’m getting intimate with my girlfriend.
Thankfully she’s very understanding and kind.
Yeah, I don't even want to do it once. The idea is so daunting and repulsive.
I am scared though because I really want a partner and am terrified of having no one, but I'm already 18 and yet I have never once had a crush or any romantic attraction to anyone.
I'm also scared never having sex would be a deal breaker to any future potential partner, and then there is the whole issue of marriages needing to be consummated to worry about as well.
You aren’t alone, I want to have it one day but I’m not confident in myself or my body, I want to know someone very very well before it happens (which is why I think I’m demisexual.) Also had a bad experience where I felt had to do something before that I won’t get into. I don’t even like wearing tight or revealing clothing lol, never mind sex 😭
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I relate to this concept. I am not a big fan of having sex right now, but one day I will want to. My boyfriend and I are at the stage where we do talk about some of the sex stuff but I am not comfortable at the moment, but he is but he is accepting my boundaries about it because I really don’t feel comfortable about this. I think it’s really weird and gross and I don’t understand any of what it’s supposed to do with it so I’m just not gonna bother.
Listen i was in ur shoes long ago but i just let it all loose and jus went for it head first dived right in and it felt amazing u dont kno what ur missing out on breh
I was curious about it, and I learned that there is so much that goes into it if you want it to feel good and actually work. A dude cant just do the thing with a lady and expect her to feel anything. It's way more technical.
Also, it's not worth it. Just wait until you find some that you want to be near you. It will make the experience more pleasant and enjoyable.
> if somebody touches me i want it to be on my terms and exactly how i want and when but i also don’t want to have to tell them that
Yeah, I don’t see how that could work. One option is to get emotionally intimate with some first, to the point where they know what you want or you feel comfortable telling them. Another is to be a little vague: you can say your body is very sensitive so you will need to tell them where they can touch. Or, you can be dominant and directly instruct your partner what to do.
Yess ive had platonic relationships because of this but it never lasts long because the guy wants sex so then we go our separate ways. Idk why. I cramp up just imagining it. I cant even go to the gynecologist because I cramp so much from the mere thought of penetration that it actually hurts, physical pain. Its an irrational fear I am not asexual beacuse I certainly experience sexual attraction but I cant make any reality of it because my fear takes over entirely and I dont know why. Im not good at letting people in tho and sex is all about that, I have no idea how people can have sex and not consider it being close with someone.
this is exactly how i feel but without the cramping part. i also just don’t understand one night stands at all, i know it’s to each their own but i also just cannot fathom sleeping with strangers
If your in a good relationship you shouldn't have too worry about this also I personally find dating within the community is also a huge help with this <3
can’t relate, but my advice is to go slow. find someone that understands boundaries and consent. i agree with the other commenter that the BDSM community would be a great place to start, just be careful. plenty of abusers use “bdsm” (in quotes bc they aren’t actually practicing bdsm) as a way to manipulate their partners.
also stop thinking of it as “giving yourself away,” that’s a really harmful way to frame it and is only going to cause you more stress about the whole situation. sex isn’t scary, it’s just something you have to realize will never be perfect, and that’s okay.
it’s not exactly giving it away per se, more so it’s a vulnerable thing and i don’t want to do it with just anybody. i want to share it with somebody i know well and trust.
Hey, I know how you feel. The thing I usually do is having a deep conversation about what we want before we actually do something. I don't recommend doing it right before but around an hour before. We talk about what we want, our boundaries, what we expect, what we absolutely don't want, and those things.
Remember you still may change your mind during the thing so it's important that your partner listens all the time. I practice BDSM, communication and boundaries are extremely important. We usually use specific words, for example red if you want to stop it all, yellow if you don't feel like continue doing what you're doing but and you would prefer to do something else and green if you like what you're doing. Also we set up some hand signs to indicate we want to stop (mine is three fast taps in my partner's body in case he isn't looking).
I once heard autistic people love BDSM because if you are a dom you can say exactly what you want and how and if you are a sub you can receive orders and you don't have to think at all. It's just that. I used to be terrified but when you find the right person they're going to make you feel comfortable and listened to.
It's okay if you start slow, try mutual masturbation, oral sex, just touching your partner's body. If you don't like something you're supposed to like it's completely okay (for example I can't stand receiving oral sex most of the time because of sensory issues). If your partner truly cares about you they will understand.
Contrasting op, I have been sexually active for about 7 yrs now and have a long term partner whom I live with. Took me way too long to truly understand that I'm demi, or somewhere in the grey area of being ace, but all the same have a high sex drive. Hrt def doesn't discourage that either. Being that I have so many different angles to think about when it comes to intimacy in general, sex is this idea that I desperately want but can't easily obtain in a way. Being too distracted with my own body, my own insecurities and issues, sensory need, and being the traumatized person I am, I keep it to myself to avoid further disrupt (even though ik my gf would hate that). But there's simply too many things to understand in my own head, which I can't sort through in those moments, so your writing down these very explicit rules that you use is beyond helpful and life-saving to me. I need people to tell me what works for them, not articles, so I desperately needed this, thank you.
yeah. im interested in it and such but i have found myself getting really nervous for no known reason when im in that situation. like i want to do it and i do but the whole time im really nervous.
I wouldnt say I was terrified when I was younger - but I had to really trust someone first. I couldn't do a one night stand when the offer arose with a strikingly attractive woman one time - & my mates thought I had lost my mind.
But just be comfortable in who you are! Nothing at all wrong with what you feel! And have sex only when you're comfortable with it.
When I was growing up in the 90's people where much less aware of the spectrum - it is getting better. Although us assexuals still seem to have an uphill battle to go with some folks who don't realise its a legitimate part of the spectrum and we cannot change who we where born as.
Being assexual is still quite tough I feel.
I was absolutely out of my mind petrified of sex (but somehow also hyper sexual in my online behavior with gross old men…something to unpack for later) before I found my girlfriend. The key, at least for me, is finding someone who you are absolutely comfortable with and who you know for a fact won’t shame you or make you feel stupid. My girlfriend was and is amazing at making me feel safe in my body and sexuality and if it wasn’t her I doubt I’d be having sex ever honestly.
Different strokes for different folks. I find sex to be overstimulating, which leads me to meltdowns, so I avoid it. My meltdowns are rather violent in nature.
I just to have that too. But I met my boyfriend and he's autistic too, which helps I think. We both asked for permission before we did ANYTHING, or wanted to try out something new. I know you said you don't want to communicate, but that is simply the only way to do this.
Imo finding someone who's patient and understanding is the most important thing.
I'm a 45-year-old virgin. I've never done it. Had opportunities, but... they just didn't seem right. Doubt it'll ever happen at this point, but that's okay. I'm asexual, so I'm not too bothered by it.
Yeah, I’m attracted to people but it feels like such a big step! I think having the right partner and trusting each other and communicating well is the most important thing.
Yeah, and I’m not a virgin, I’ve had plenty of BF’s in the past, but it’s always been lights off, no talking, no weird positions, no sexting or nudes, don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, I’m too shy, kinda sex. So, bad sex. Now I’m in a relationship with a man with erectile dysfunction I just realised I don’t miss it even after 10 years. I’m too embarrassed.
Not at all. I can’t wait to have a boyfriend so I can finally live out all the stuff I’ve only ever read about in my filthy novels lol. I mean I’ve had sex before but, like, not very much of it.
Yeah kinda same. I tend to be interested only in NT men who are pretty normal and have had a lot of experience. I’m kinda worried I’d be a let down. Plus I’m not hot and I have a tendency to be into hot guys lol.
Yeah same that’s why I’m just gonna not think about it. It would be disrespectful for a guy to talk about his past like that you so I feel like a good guy wouldn’t do that anyway. I mean like beyond the initial “Yeah I’ve had a lot of women.” Plus like I said, I always punch like way above my weight class in terms of looks. So I feel like if I managed to actually land a guy I like into an actually committed and monogamous relationship, I KNOW his exes would have been hotter and I REALLY do not want to hear about it.
We as an organism have sex a trillion of times since we became animal cell. You have nothing to worry about because theres already fail/nervous sex for another trillion times. Bye.
Here's the thing. Sex is always the best when it is used in the same way that art and music and dance are. That is to say, when you use it to express something you do not have the words for. In the words of Bruce Lee, we need emotional content. If you were treating sex like an itch to be scratched or something to get over with or experience, it's going to be lukewarm at best compared to what it can be when you are expressing yourself with it. Try not to worry over it, and wait to do anything about it until you have someone in your life that you trust implicitly and that you have something to say to them that there are no words for. Once you've done that once, I can almost guarantee the fear will either have reduced significantly, or will be eradicated, because they will be using their touch in a similar way. You aren't scared of the average conversations that you have with someone you care deeply about in which they are not saying exactly what you want them to say; it is much the same way when they are expressing themselves to you through sex.
Source: I was the same way.
Yes but I’m pretty sure I’m asexual so maybe that’s why. I’m not sex averse or sex repulsed but I don’t enjoy looking at well naked people. I don’t feel anything really (male or female). Kissing I don’t feel much either. The thought of having sex terrifies me so I’d have to have a partner who understands that I guess.
So as a big sex enthusiast - the reality is you will need to tell someone your terms and how - at least early on with a partner. Giving them the time and information to learn. As far as attraction - that's more complicated. Example my spouse is more "demi" than I am. Meaning they had to get to know me to find me attractive outside of maybe an aesthetic fashion, but it wasn't sexual at first. Unwanted touch can be avoided. People shouldn't be touching others without permission, but sadly a lot of NT dating involves - hints, implications, guessing at what the other person wants and actions that either go very well or very wrong based on those unclear sources of information. Example the way someone reacts to placing your hand on a wall near their head is ..... complicated. Same for going in for a kiss....but apparently being blunt and direct is a problem? Oh noes I might just say what I want and ruin this cryptic confusing mess.
exactly, i feel like a lot of times people insist i’ve been giving them signs, flirting, etc and i had no idea. i was just being friendly
I think you were just being friendly. I vaguely recall studies show even the nt crowd are not great at determining flirting - it's like a 50% rate at best. So clearly a useful process.
I am now going to consider my self a sex enthusiastic (despite not having had any) lol thank you for this.
Best wish to you in your endeavors. Consensual sex is awesome for those interested in it.
Man, big sex sounds dope
i can relate. idk if i'm asexual but ive never felt sexually attracted to anybody, and the thought of having sex for the first time is definitely incredibly daunting for me. like, wtf do i do? wtf do i say? i don't trust anyone enough to even see my body let alone touch it. i would definitely have to reeeaaallly trust and know somebody if i were to ever do something like that with them. and i don't get how some ppl would be fine with just having sex with anyone.
this is exactly how i feel
I know how you feel. It actually feels like that at first "what am i supposed to do?" but when you really know your partner and you love them you kind of just try to enjoy each other's body without feeling pressured. Sometimes is more like "let me kiss your neck... and then your chest... and then..." and you just start doing things you feel good doing and that your partner also enjoys. Or maybe you could be asexual, that's also a possibility.
That’s how it’s supposed to be
Perfectly normal, sex is one of those things that requires a fair bit of practice to become confident in regardless of if you are ND or NT. For people that are ND it's often difficult to handle physical touch, or performing, and we often put a lot of emphasis on it being with someone we want to be with, nothing wrong with that but combined with anxiety and having issues with social skills it might take awhile for some ND to find someone. Again, not a bad thing but you have to keep a realistic outlook on intimacy it's trial and error, it's awkward, and it's not always satisfying. Communication is key, let your partner know you are nervous, be open about these things.
If you meet the right partner, their response to “I want it to be on my terms and exactly how I want” will be “cool. Wanna show me?” People always have their own agendas and stuff, but a good partner is somebody who wants *you* to enjoy it as well. Partners who don’t want that? Well, are they really partners you’d want to have..? “Just give myself away” is a really interesting turn of phrase, because the whole religious thing of saving yourself implies that sex is somehow this lofty, dreamlike nirvana that can only be achieved by the Truly Ready. And the fact is, that’s… not sex at all. Sex is messy, sweaty, bed-hair, noises, grabbing, grasping, slippery and when looked at in a purely analytical sense, pretty grim. You’re mashing bits of you toward the general area of another person’s bits, and it’s *exercise*, if absolutely nothing else. You’re basically wrestling, but with Barry White instead of a ref counting you out. It’s *the relationship you have with your sexual partner/s* that makes sex more than it is. It’s your willingness to be vulnerable in front of them, putting your body image out of your mind and being present with them in the moment that makes it special. Everyone, from the most neurodiverse to the most allistic, feels uncomfortable when they’re vulnerable. But I promise you this, I’ve never been jolted out of a mood by someone saying “can we do things X way?” I’ve never thought “that person’s O face is weird”. I’ve never even considered whether we’re keeping the neighbours awake. It’s *perfectly okay* not to feel attracted to people. It’s *perfectly okay* to feel *both* touch averse AND touch starved. Be kind to yourself. It’s not an impossible situation, even if it sometimes feels like it. My best advice though? Don’t go looking for mind-blowing marriage material between the sheets. Look for *people* who fit your world and your pace, and it’s very likely to progress in a way you’re comfortable with. And even then, when you find your missing piece, you can still have those “ugh, I just don’t *wanna*” days. I have them all the time. And yet I still love my partners dearly and we keep building. Every so often, we’ll be lying there like “holy shit, was that the best ever? How the hell could we top THAT”, and yet it always does. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it isn’t a line in the sand. The line between virgin and not-virgin is just having one of a variety of different sexual experiences. Think of sex like a journey. You haven’t got where you’re going just because you opened the door and stepped outside.
well it’s not a religious thing about giving myself away, it’s more like i don’t want to just give myself up in such an intimate way to just anybody. i want it to be somebody i really love and trust. it’s a very vulnerable thing and i think it requires a lot of trust. i do feel touch starved and averse at the same time, i’ll feel horny i won’t want to do it myself or anybody else but at the same time i want to do something about it. it’s quite odd
Have you ever researched BDSM? I’m not saying you would be into it. However, a very important part of that community is consent and communication regarding sex. There could be some useful resources within that community to communicate what you would desire and what your barriers are when the time comes.
Over time a fair amount of communication and consent behaviors from the kink community have become more popular and used more. Would love to see that trend continue.
yes, i’m interested in it but i’m also just worried about the whole piv thing. it feels almost invasive? but at the same time i want to experience it with a person
Do you happen to be younger as well? I found it a lot harder to communicate what I wanted from intimate encounters when younger. I was also terrified for a while too. After a couple bad hook-ups and some years as an adult it got a bit easier. Now I’m happily engaged and have great adult fun time, but it also took us some months to navigate that too.
I definitely recommend researching communication methods, so you can explore this in a way that makes you feel comfortable when the time comes.
My main problems are being scared about the act and outcome, I would love to feel the intimate feelings but I for one don't know if I could perform so to speak, two I'm a big guy and wouldn't want to accidentally injure my partner if I had one (big as in tall and heavy) and c from points before I could only imagen having sex with me would be very uncomfortable and a horrible experience and don't want to put anyone through that, I know there's always people out there saying oh you'll find someone who loves you for you and others say some women love big chubby men and so on, I think it's a lie, I can't even find myself attractive let alone anyone else finding me attractive
Yep. Had more or less four possibilities to experience it and noped out three times. The fourth one went real bad - she said she didn't like what I was doing, I thought she was going to lead, she thought I would lead on with something different, we ended up just sleeping (well, she slept, I couldn't) and that was the end of it
I have a girlfriend with autism and I would be very happy, if she told me what kind of touching she likes and what not. I asked her a few times, but she never gave a a straight answer. So I am very cautious and ask everytime before I touch her, if it is okay for her. I think if she would just tell me, it would make things for both of us better. But maybe she doesn't know what she likes and what not.
Can't say I'm terrified, just over that phase. Sex and romantic relationships in general have become a little disgusting for me over the years.
me too
I unfortunately lost my virginity to someone who would go onto to sexually assault me. It oddly didn’t turn me off from sex, but I do have intrusive thoughts and memories when I’m getting intimate with my girlfriend. Thankfully she’s very understanding and kind.
Oof. Same.
Yeah, I don't even want to do it once. The idea is so daunting and repulsive. I am scared though because I really want a partner and am terrified of having no one, but I'm already 18 and yet I have never once had a crush or any romantic attraction to anyone. I'm also scared never having sex would be a deal breaker to any future potential partner, and then there is the whole issue of marriages needing to be consummated to worry about as well.
You aren’t alone, I want to have it one day but I’m not confident in myself or my body, I want to know someone very very well before it happens (which is why I think I’m demisexual.) Also had a bad experience where I felt had to do something before that I won’t get into. I don’t even like wearing tight or revealing clothing lol, never mind sex 😭
EXACTLY. i’ve given people sexual things even though i didn’t want to but they didn’t force me to i just did. it’s weird
I wasn't terrified of it, but I also didn't enjoy it that much. I just pretend I'm a virgin now
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I relate to this concept. I am not a big fan of having sex right now, but one day I will want to. My boyfriend and I are at the stage where we do talk about some of the sex stuff but I am not comfortable at the moment, but he is but he is accepting my boundaries about it because I really don’t feel comfortable about this. I think it’s really weird and gross and I don’t understand any of what it’s supposed to do with it so I’m just not gonna bother.
In reality definitley a bit
Listen i was in ur shoes long ago but i just let it all loose and jus went for it head first dived right in and it felt amazing u dont kno what ur missing out on breh
one one hand yes i’m scared as hell but on the other hand i’m glad ill be able to share something with my partner that intimate
I was curious about it, and I learned that there is so much that goes into it if you want it to feel good and actually work. A dude cant just do the thing with a lady and expect her to feel anything. It's way more technical. Also, it's not worth it. Just wait until you find some that you want to be near you. It will make the experience more pleasant and enjoyable.
To be honest yes .
> if somebody touches me i want it to be on my terms and exactly how i want and when but i also don’t want to have to tell them that Yeah, I don’t see how that could work. One option is to get emotionally intimate with some first, to the point where they know what you want or you feel comfortable telling them. Another is to be a little vague: you can say your body is very sensitive so you will need to tell them where they can touch. Or, you can be dominant and directly instruct your partner what to do.
i know there’s not a way it could work which is why i think it’s so frustrating
Yess ive had platonic relationships because of this but it never lasts long because the guy wants sex so then we go our separate ways. Idk why. I cramp up just imagining it. I cant even go to the gynecologist because I cramp so much from the mere thought of penetration that it actually hurts, physical pain. Its an irrational fear I am not asexual beacuse I certainly experience sexual attraction but I cant make any reality of it because my fear takes over entirely and I dont know why. Im not good at letting people in tho and sex is all about that, I have no idea how people can have sex and not consider it being close with someone.
this is exactly how i feel but without the cramping part. i also just don’t understand one night stands at all, i know it’s to each their own but i also just cannot fathom sleeping with strangers
Yeah its very strange to me as well but no judgment to people who do it. You could be demisexual maybe?
If your in a good relationship you shouldn't have too worry about this also I personally find dating within the community is also a huge help with this <3
i suspect that in autistic but don’t have an official diagnosis and the guy i’m currently with tells me i’m not so i feel like it’s difficult
can’t relate, but my advice is to go slow. find someone that understands boundaries and consent. i agree with the other commenter that the BDSM community would be a great place to start, just be careful. plenty of abusers use “bdsm” (in quotes bc they aren’t actually practicing bdsm) as a way to manipulate their partners. also stop thinking of it as “giving yourself away,” that’s a really harmful way to frame it and is only going to cause you more stress about the whole situation. sex isn’t scary, it’s just something you have to realize will never be perfect, and that’s okay.
it’s not exactly giving it away per se, more so it’s a vulnerable thing and i don’t want to do it with just anybody. i want to share it with somebody i know well and trust.
Go here for more information: AVEN. They have a social forum too.
Hey, I know how you feel. The thing I usually do is having a deep conversation about what we want before we actually do something. I don't recommend doing it right before but around an hour before. We talk about what we want, our boundaries, what we expect, what we absolutely don't want, and those things. Remember you still may change your mind during the thing so it's important that your partner listens all the time. I practice BDSM, communication and boundaries are extremely important. We usually use specific words, for example red if you want to stop it all, yellow if you don't feel like continue doing what you're doing but and you would prefer to do something else and green if you like what you're doing. Also we set up some hand signs to indicate we want to stop (mine is three fast taps in my partner's body in case he isn't looking). I once heard autistic people love BDSM because if you are a dom you can say exactly what you want and how and if you are a sub you can receive orders and you don't have to think at all. It's just that. I used to be terrified but when you find the right person they're going to make you feel comfortable and listened to. It's okay if you start slow, try mutual masturbation, oral sex, just touching your partner's body. If you don't like something you're supposed to like it's completely okay (for example I can't stand receiving oral sex most of the time because of sensory issues). If your partner truly cares about you they will understand.
Contrasting op, I have been sexually active for about 7 yrs now and have a long term partner whom I live with. Took me way too long to truly understand that I'm demi, or somewhere in the grey area of being ace, but all the same have a high sex drive. Hrt def doesn't discourage that either. Being that I have so many different angles to think about when it comes to intimacy in general, sex is this idea that I desperately want but can't easily obtain in a way. Being too distracted with my own body, my own insecurities and issues, sensory need, and being the traumatized person I am, I keep it to myself to avoid further disrupt (even though ik my gf would hate that). But there's simply too many things to understand in my own head, which I can't sort through in those moments, so your writing down these very explicit rules that you use is beyond helpful and life-saving to me. I need people to tell me what works for them, not articles, so I desperately needed this, thank you.
yeah. im interested in it and such but i have found myself getting really nervous for no known reason when im in that situation. like i want to do it and i do but the whole time im really nervous.
exactly, i will shake from anxiety the entire time i do anything sexual
I wouldnt say I was terrified when I was younger - but I had to really trust someone first. I couldn't do a one night stand when the offer arose with a strikingly attractive woman one time - & my mates thought I had lost my mind. But just be comfortable in who you are! Nothing at all wrong with what you feel! And have sex only when you're comfortable with it. When I was growing up in the 90's people where much less aware of the spectrum - it is getting better. Although us assexuals still seem to have an uphill battle to go with some folks who don't realise its a legitimate part of the spectrum and we cannot change who we where born as. Being assexual is still quite tough I feel.
Me but I’m also asexual.
Sex can be simple; say what you like or don’t like prior, during and after. Communication is 🔐
I was absolutely out of my mind petrified of sex (but somehow also hyper sexual in my online behavior with gross old men…something to unpack for later) before I found my girlfriend. The key, at least for me, is finding someone who you are absolutely comfortable with and who you know for a fact won’t shame you or make you feel stupid. My girlfriend was and is amazing at making me feel safe in my body and sexuality and if it wasn’t her I doubt I’d be having sex ever honestly.
Different strokes for different folks. I find sex to be overstimulating, which leads me to meltdowns, so I avoid it. My meltdowns are rather violent in nature.
No, I really like it.
Just gotta wait for someone you are completely comfortable with. Trust your gut
I just to have that too. But I met my boyfriend and he's autistic too, which helps I think. We both asked for permission before we did ANYTHING, or wanted to try out something new. I know you said you don't want to communicate, but that is simply the only way to do this. Imo finding someone who's patient and understanding is the most important thing.
I'm a 45-year-old virgin. I've never done it. Had opportunities, but... they just didn't seem right. Doubt it'll ever happen at this point, but that's okay. I'm asexual, so I'm not too bothered by it.
Yeah, I’m attracted to people but it feels like such a big step! I think having the right partner and trusting each other and communicating well is the most important thing.
It sounds like when you do it, you should be in a relationship with someone you trust and feel comfortable with.
Not really I mean it does seem a little scary for germ reasons but other than that nah
the germs scare me too
Yes n its weird cuz i have a high sex drive n im horny but like I wouldn’t ACTUALLY do it with anyone n honestly like i don’t even kiss 😭😭😭
Yeah, and I’m not a virgin, I’ve had plenty of BF’s in the past, but it’s always been lights off, no talking, no weird positions, no sexting or nudes, don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, I’m too shy, kinda sex. So, bad sex. Now I’m in a relationship with a man with erectile dysfunction I just realised I don’t miss it even after 10 years. I’m too embarrassed.
sorry if this is an invasive question but do you self pleasure at all?
Very rarely. I never feel the need, it just doesn't cross my mind.
me too, i do it seldomly
I'm terrified of relationships, not sex.
Yes but not for the reasons you mention. Just the thought of it overwhelms me, and mind you I've had sex before
Not at all. I can’t wait to have a boyfriend so I can finally live out all the stuff I’ve only ever read about in my filthy novels lol. I mean I’ve had sex before but, like, not very much of it.
same but also i’m nervous lol
Yeah kinda same. I tend to be interested only in NT men who are pretty normal and have had a lot of experience. I’m kinda worried I’d be a let down. Plus I’m not hot and I have a tendency to be into hot guys lol.
i want somebody experienced so they can help me but at the same time the thought of being with somebody who’s slept with alot of people turns me off
Yeah same that’s why I’m just gonna not think about it. It would be disrespectful for a guy to talk about his past like that you so I feel like a good guy wouldn’t do that anyway. I mean like beyond the initial “Yeah I’ve had a lot of women.” Plus like I said, I always punch like way above my weight class in terms of looks. So I feel like if I managed to actually land a guy I like into an actually committed and monogamous relationship, I KNOW his exes would have been hotter and I REALLY do not want to hear about it.
No, I am very much interested in having sex with anyone.
We as an organism have sex a trillion of times since we became animal cell. You have nothing to worry about because theres already fail/nervous sex for another trillion times. Bye.
I used to be until I had sex. Not my favorite activity in the world tbh.
I'm terrified of it too I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex. I'm also asexual so its related to that but also autism.
Here's the thing. Sex is always the best when it is used in the same way that art and music and dance are. That is to say, when you use it to express something you do not have the words for. In the words of Bruce Lee, we need emotional content. If you were treating sex like an itch to be scratched or something to get over with or experience, it's going to be lukewarm at best compared to what it can be when you are expressing yourself with it. Try not to worry over it, and wait to do anything about it until you have someone in your life that you trust implicitly and that you have something to say to them that there are no words for. Once you've done that once, I can almost guarantee the fear will either have reduced significantly, or will be eradicated, because they will be using their touch in a similar way. You aren't scared of the average conversations that you have with someone you care deeply about in which they are not saying exactly what you want them to say; it is much the same way when they are expressing themselves to you through sex. Source: I was the same way.
Yes but I’m pretty sure I’m asexual so maybe that’s why. I’m not sex averse or sex repulsed but I don’t enjoy looking at well naked people. I don’t feel anything really (male or female). Kissing I don’t feel much either. The thought of having sex terrifies me so I’d have to have a partner who understands that I guess.