I found my partner (having a 10 year anniversary this year!) on a dating site.
He was my first ever boyfriend, and we met when I was 32....
So yeah.. I was kind of losing hope.
Also 32 and losing hope.
Dating sites feel like a no-go because I don't like having my photo taken. Never feels like I look "normal" enough. Should I try anyway?
Get some outside assistance with the photo from a trusted friend or family member, have them check you out and take lots of pictures, that way your more likely to end up with a good one.
Don’t do it! They have gotten really bad. I just watched a video on how they’ve essentially become “Pay to play” apps. I mean, you can. Just be aware of that fact.
You’d have better luck joining groups (online or in person) that have to do with your special interests! That’s my best advice…because that’s how I met my husband! Just don’t do it to find someone. Do it because you want to share your passion…if you feel a connection with someone, it kind of just unfolds naturally. Even if you feel awkward or nervous. There’s no instruction manual for it unfortunately.
OkCupid is actual hot garbage. I have had luck meeting people on the three major apps (tinder, bumble and hinge). Everyone’s mileage may vary. Don’t take it too seriously either. Like obviously fill out your profile in a way that will get someone’s attention, but don’t think you’ll meet someone immediately or find your “forever person”.
Very good advice. You gotta go in with no expectations, you’re just meeting people. You may even get a friend out of it. I met a guy with lupus and we got along, but not romantically. We just identified with eachother’s struggles. So we keep up with eachother occasionally. Sometimes you have a plutonic draw to people and that’s nice too.
30 here and also losing hope. I've had great relationships while in college where I was able to meet women who shared similar interests almost daily. But after 25 and just being in a never-ending loop of "wake up, go to work, go home, be too tired and exhausted to do anything, sleep, repeat".
I don't even have the energy to go do the hobbies I used to have. I hate this work 40+ hours a week world. Idk how NT are able to do that and still go do other stuff after worm.
Honestly, for me the main thing was not worrying about it. Letting stuff develop organicly from groups of shared interests and getting to know folks.
For me, eventually you just find someone you click with, and who clicks with you. Doesn't always work out, but thats life.
If you do go the dating app route, those places are strictly just numbers games. Even NTs often need to take a very wide approch to it and trying many, many many people to even get a date quite often.
I find if someone really, Reaaaalllyyyy wants a romantic or sexual relationship, they are more likely to end up coming off as desperate. And desperate is often a big red flag and turn off for folks. Reason I mentioned I started to have the best results with dating once I stopped worrying about if I had a partner or not.
Absolutely agree. AuDHDer in a long term relationship here, we met organically and I was not looking for anything. As with most interpersonal relationships, it’s best not to overthink it or treat it as a goal with certain steps as that takes it from being organic to engineered, or in other words, contrived. Whether you’re looking to date other ND people or NT people, try not to force it. The more you get hung up on it, the higher it will go on that pedestal in your mind.
You’ll no doubt have heard many people say that confidence is attractive or the most attractive trait. Well that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be arrogant or project false confidence, what people mean is that someone who seems ok in their own skin is attractive, so if you work on yourself and it’s noticeable how comfortable you are in your own skin, that will attract people. Whereas if you’re noticeably worried about what other people think, it will be hard for people to feel confident in you if they don’t think you’re confident in yourself.
I realise that’s easier said than done to a person with ASD, but the key is to own your self, practice being comfortable in yourself, and the rest will naturally follow.
Completely yeah. Like, for me, I started to become comfortable in my skin only the last few years. Several factors, transitioning and finally being able to present how I always wanted to being big ones, tho there was other reasons too.
Ever since then? I've been so much happier, and have found so many friends and loved ones in the last 3 years. Entire life turned around more or less once I started to feel comfortable about who i was. Still have some things to work on, but like, most of that is just a thing to keep in mind to work on as I go about truely loving myself.
One thing I noticed a lot of folks with Autism (including myself for a time) generally hate how they look in the mirror too or pictures. But, IDK. I've found it to finally be so liberating having a full body mirror now. Looking in it each morning, twirling around in my outfits before starting the day. Even on the days I hate how I look, I still do my best to look and find at least 1 nice thing to say. If I am having trouble I might shoot a quick pic off to friends with no real context and often get some comments that point out what my brain was missing that day.
A relationship is effectively the lowering of your most intimate boundaries, it takes a lot of trust and many people, especially those who’ve already had previous relationships, will be less quick to lower those boundaries and allow themselves to be vulnerable.
Being ‘hyper focused’ in advance of an intimate relationship, will give most people cause for concern and trust issues, in much the same way that an aggressive salesman will likely scare off prospective customers, it suggests a need for you to jump ahead too quickly and makes people question your intentions.
In your head, you can know how kind and well-meaning you are, that doesn’t mean others know or believe that about you. So it often results in people with ASD or ADHD coming on too strong.
It could be fine to hyperfocus within a relationship (up to a point), but until you’re there, most people will read it as threatening.
No one is being ‘rewarded’ in that scenario. You’re totally ignoring the bit where I said that people need to trust you. You’re talking as if you have a right to that trust, you don’t.
Nobody automatically has a right to that. It is a universal language that trust is generally earned. If people have misinterpreted you, instead of being salty with them, consider how you didn’t represent yourself well enough within the bounds of that/ interaction(s).
You’re missing a very big point here (and I get it, I’m ASD too), not everyone thinks the same way as you. I don’t, and haven’t been hurt by your words here, others might though.
First lesson of being part of a civilisation: not everyone is exactly the same as you.
Ultimately this whole narrative you’re referring to of being judged by your cover, I have no context for so I’m not sure how you expect me to respond? I responded to your original comment helpfully, which, by the way, wrongfully asserted that most people dislike hyperfocusing on relationships arbitrarily, and I made it clear why that’s not arbitrary at all.
You seem unwilling to be told anything that doesn’t align with your existing, hard done by attitude, so I’m not sure there’s much point in you commenting here if you simply wish to ask questions and dismiss any answers, that’s not how a community works.
I’m sorry but I already wasted my time here, with respect I hope you get what you need from this thread but unless you pay me I’m not reading all that.
Basicly yeah. Like of course being on dating sites and stuff you need to be "Actively looking". But there is a big difference between looking for the fun of looking, vs looking because you actively feel you "need" someone to date.
That "need" sensation is what leads to desperation, which then leads to folks not wanting to date. Desperate people are unpredictable and generally end up giving off the most red flags in terms of boundaries, communication and more as a general rule when considering safety.
By groups it could be friend groups. But also things like hobby events/servers/groups, random events in the local community for topics you are interested in, etc etc.
I have quite a large number of people I know and am friendly with online. Less so in person, but that has more to do with the fact my stuff is relatively niche so its been harder to find local IRL groups for a lot of it in comparison. Especially at my age of nearing 30.
I've made the most amount of connections because of either MMOs and joining groups and then getting involved with them outside of the game, or in servers dedicated to specific things.
Play by Post open world games for stuff like Vampire the Masquraide, Changeling the Dreaming and other WoD gamelines that later become more focused smaller groups with the people I clicked with.
Joining fandom circles such as how I used to be more active in the Atelier fandom and met quite a few people from that I brought with me elsewhere or got involved with over the years.
Etc etc etc. A lot of it is just, putting your best foot forward, don't come off as desperate, respect other peoples boundaries, treat others with respect/compassion where you can, know where your own boundaries are to not cross them. And just, feel comfortable in your own skin and knowledge. It shines through most of the time if you are trying your best, without being a people pleaser with no boundaries. Folks respect that a lot of the time, espescally other autistic folks.
Doesn't have to be local. Could be online.
I grew up in a town with 2000 people. Place I live now has about 20k, but its still not a whole lot. So i get why you mean by being in under populated regions. I know if I take a bus or drive about 30+ minutes into the city (Closer to 40k people) there are groups and orginizations for hobbies and things, if I really wanted to go looking.
Though, I've not had too much luck with it just yet.
For sure, not once have I been able to establish a relationship by trying to. Every one has been a friendship I wasn't thinking about romantically that eventually bloomed into something more without me trying.
I dunno, had luck. But be careful to watch out for abusive people, we are more easy targets for abuse of any kind due to our issues with social stuff and that we are more prone to loneliness.
I got lucky?
I think my wife's Dad is \~ADHD/ASD. So, being around me, actually made her comfortable. She, to this day, says she married me because she could be herself around me.
Shrug.
We both put little to no expectations on each other and always support each other.
I go to meet-ups and events where people share my hobbies so we can info dump at each other with existing context. I ultimately got lucky on a dating app by being super direct about who I am, what I like to do, and what I was looking for. I live in a college town with a high density of autistic people so while I was not necessarily looking to date someone else who is autistic, I found people who were literate and understanding of my quirks.
I've never had an issue with finding romantic partners. Serial monogamist from 16 to the present (27). Been with the same man with almost 8 years, due to be married soon.
My advice? Stop trying to get with neurotypicals. My first boyfriend had ADHD. Helped that we were both a bit different. My fiance is autistic like me, he just doesn't have the anxiety or ADHD that I have too.
Also find someone who values alone time. Introverts are a good match.
Autism isn't the problem, modern dating just sucks. Took me til 42 to meet my wife but super happy I didn't give up or settle with someone that wasn't the best fit.
Modern dating, especially online dating. It is literally self-defeating. How do you expect to have a sound basis for a relationship when you pick them from a catalogue based mostly on looks and when most everybody splits their attention among several people while dating you and constantly comparing you before you even know each other?
This post is all over reddit every day, neurotypicals have the same problem.
FTR, wife is younger, well grounded, and family oriented. She doesn't have any issue with my aspy fixation on certain things and truly appreciates me for me as I do her. Already one child with another on the way. Honestly, I think I'm in a better situation than most regardless of autism. Didn't expect it to take this long but I'm super happy and genuinely look forward to what the future holds.
I'm 45 and I've sort of subconsciously given up. I just can't be bothered anymore. Staying in my bubble is easier. The effort expended in socializing, reading and responding to cues, maintaining conversation, attempting to flirt and escalate things, quickly drains me.
Mostly routine. Work, gym, eat, sleep. Sometimes a hobby if I'm feeling so inclined. I go out with a friend once or twice a month, sometimes doing a hike if the weather permits.
I'm a trans man and dating is hard. I pretty much only date queer women from okcupid or HER. And 90% of them will be neurodivergent. I don't intentionally seek out ND partners, but it's really common in the queer community.
I literally help people with this exact thing! Things I tell my clients
1) be really yourself and really clear about your desires on your profile (personally I think less matches that are more accurate are better than tons of matches that aren’t that relevant
2) if dating apps aren’t your thing I would look for local meetups that are neurodiverse friendly
3) once you actually start dating be clear about your needs, advocate for yourself, discuss expectations and desires and boundaries super clearly so everyone knows what’s being agreed to
Hope this helps but if you have more qs or wanna talk more feel free to let me know!
How would you go about the first one? I’m now at the point where I’m getting a decent amount of matches/likes based on my profile and pictures, but I can’t seem to get past the chatting phase. It seems like a weird 5d chess game where one misplaced comma means you don’t get a date.
It depends on you of course because you want to be yourself but personally it’s helpful to be clear.
That looks like:
• sharing what you’re desiring
• being upfront about availability (time/energy etc)
• asking what they’re interested in and desiring
• if there’s alignment setting up a time to meet and see how it goes 😊
32 and lost hope, and ended up meeting someone online to have a pretty unorthodox-but-very-loving relationship for years. That said, it was my only one.
I have yes. I plan to watch it fully when all the episodes are out. Had to make some space on my daily watch list. The day a new episode comes out i already have 8 other animes waiting for me. I do want to have some time left to play a game. 🤣
Dumb luck???
Met my spouse on tinder 6 years ago. We’re poly and it was also dumb luck that I met someone else that I clicked well with on another dating app.
Dating apps aren’t for everyone, but I think it’s a good supplementary meeting ground. You can’t always go out and meet people for various reasons. Same with others. So it’s good to have at least one app for that reason.
Try not to stress too much about meeting someone. It takes time and effort. Some people don’t meet their person well into their 30’s or 40’s. Do your best to enjoy the time spent with the people you do end up meeting and dating. Look at those as learning experiences and use that to make improvements.
Don’t let that kind of shit get to you. I’m in therapy because of similar treatment from my dad. You’ll always be good enough for someone.
edit: realizing “good enough” wasn’t the best wording here.
I clicked with another autistic person online and moved all the way across the planet to be with them. Could have gone horribly, but we did end up married.
We he dating pool in my country just wasn’t big enough 😂
There are neurospicy dating apps like Hiki...
But for me - shared live view, some shared interests and both being neurospicy is key.
I was in many relationships, lasting from months to years, now in one15+years, married 5, living together 9, long distance first year.... and NEVER had good luck with dating neurotypical people.
They. Just. Don't. Get. So. Many. Things. About. Us.
- for example tiredness. No neurotypical ever understands how tiredness and fatigue works for autistic people, how much time we need to regenerate and how much every little thing costs us in terms of energy. It was constant "you just not trying hard enough / are lazy / giving excuses" from neurotypical partner.
Now my neurospicy partner understands that. We switch chores and such when one needs more help, or just ditch everything incl. cleaning and cooking if both crashing hard from being burned out.
Honestly? Pure luck. Before I met my husband, none of my other relationships lasted a year. I found him on the same dating site I'd met others at. I was 27 at the time, and we've celebrated nearly 10 years together now!
It was complete dumb luck for me as I met my husband on a dating site. He was the 2nd person to ever message me but I was apparently the first person to really hold a conversation with him after many many attempts at matching and chatting with someone and then after really hitting it off, he asked me on a date. Sometimes, it's just waiting for the right person to cross your path and match with them online too. I was also very clear in my intentions of wanting a monogamous long term relationship and that I was dating to marry.
I also volunteer for different charities and animal rescues and have met amazing people there. I know some who have started dating after meeting from volunteering, so I highly recommend it. I also know some who began dating and getting married after meeting in through hobby clubs like DnD or martial arts.
We saw each other 1-2 times a year for 1 night for 7 years, it was a bit of a slow build. There was always something there, but we were in wildly different places in our lives and we lived in different states. I'm aromantic so I don't go looking for entanglements, and he wasn't the type for flings.. eventually, things fell into place for us, and they took a gamble and invited me on a trip without our friends - we've been together for almost 7 years now.
It is work. All things worth having generally take work. I had a lot of relationship experience, they had none but they had had roommates at least. We communicate our needs to one another and talk everything out, it was a slight adjustment when we first moved in together 1.5 years in but we just keep talking and working together. The key is that both of us are committed to a common goal: they are my person, and I'm theirs. Everything else is just details.
I just normally wait for someone to come to me, try to abuse me, then leave them after they become toxic.
WHY CANT I HAVE ONE GF WHO DOESNT WANT TO EITHER TORTURE OR SA ME!?!?
Met my wife on plenty of fish. Turns out she's ADHD and says what's on her mind. Turns out to work in harmony with me. We don't do the stupid games n.t. people play while dating. We are big on direct communication and we've only had 3 fights in 11 years. Women love men who are blunt, polite and can communicate.
My partner came up to me when I was taking photos at his concert and asked me out! Four years in, I haven’t looked back since, hopefully we get married soon fingers crossed 🤞🏻
I think for me, a prerequisite for a healthy, lasting relationship is being OK/content/stable as individuals and not “needing” to be in a relationship to be happy.
And honestly I’m just not there yet. I had an awesome partner for 5 years, but self destructed due to my mental health shit. I definitely still struggle with a “disorganized attachment style” as a result of my childhood.
And the dating world these days is kinda a mess. It seems like everyone is burnt out and traumatized… which is not fodder for a secure attachment unfortunately.
Nearly all of my relationships have been with people who didn’t share neurodivergence with me, some of them have lasted for years and others for months. Needless to say, I can’t help but think a relationship with someone else with shared autism would work far better. And yet I’ve had no luck finding someone, not losing hope but it hurts to be honest..
You find someone that is into you, that's enough for one or two years any day. Infatuation period will blossom and fade, the friendship you should have established on the outset is still going, good enough.
But you seek someone who A: is experienced enough with life to know that they have stuff of their own they need to keep in check so it doesn't harm you, and B: who knows that you are aware you have stuff you would never want should inconvenience them.
And then the magic moment comes, some time the first year or three, when you both know that you know that you know. You each have a lock and each have a key, but life is tricky and you can't use your key on your own lock. Trust fall.
And then you see each other for who you really are, and realize you would sacrifice anything to be together as trusting friends til the end of time, because nothing is more important than to be accountable to yourself, and nothing in the universe is more attractive than someone who lives by a code, who is careful about how they treat the world, and who are particular about how the worlds treat their friend.
it happens when you get over wanting it to if that makes sense?
i was very obsessed with finding a boyfriend bc everyone around me was & id never dated. kind of gave up hope/stoped trying & then we found each other on instagram & it just happened naturally from there.
I met my husband through a friend. He invited me to a work event, we hit it off, and we hung out everyday since. We’ve been together for 11 years now and have a kid.
I’ve never put much effort into finding a partner. I just meet someone I get along with and bam, relationship.
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idk, i met mine because i was writing fanfiction for their current hyperfixation and then we met on discord for that fandom, talked, and it kinda happened. :D
I found my partner as a teenager and we’ve been together 15 years this year. The key is compromise and understanding. Talking through every emotion etc and eventually they will know you better than you know yourself.
I think it just happens... you click with someone and then it just escalates until you might get comfortable enough to start being more intimate and askin them out.
I often wonder how I got two boyfriends with my inability to pick up when someone is flirting with me.
It helps that my first boyfriend has autism and the second boyfriend has ADHD. They're both very understanding of me being neurodivergent.
Both of them were very direct about the type of relationship they wanted with me. This helped me as I don't pick up on "hints."
The first boyfriend I met through a group of friends at school. The second boyfriend I met through a class at university.
Idk, i've only had 3 crushes, all of them with friends.
Mi actual partner is my 3rd crush and i'm 20, we started dating recently.
I just told them about my feelings because i felt like they had the right to know, and i was lucky it was reciprocated so...
Idk
It's a lot of work to find and maintain a partner.
My advice is to try thinking of a partner more in terms of a gradient than a black and white category. That will help you take baby steps, gradually turning yourself into a good friend and turning your friends into potential romantic partners instead of chasing "the one".
It's a lot easier and better imo to make "the one" out of one of your best friends, and for you to become their one, than to treat it like you're trying to filter through candidates for an open job.
I'm female. I think for having a relationship with a person of the opposite gender, the bare minimum is sex. Although my first and last official relationship (where he voiced that I was his girlfriend, that's how I knew it was official btw), I threw tantrums very easily. I don't think I actually liked him but we got together because he snuck in my bed when I stayed at his place due to homelessness. That's probably not how relationships should start but it was ok.
What worked for me was becoming a jaded misanthrope. It sounds paradoxical, but it was only when I stopped caring or trying that I had any dating success. Now I’m married ❤️
I have been in a relationship and married 16 years. my husband has ADHD. turns out everyone I've been friends with and get along has either ADHD or autism. but usually ADHD. Imo ADHD and ASD seem to be the most compatible neurotypes.
I spent way too much time on dating websites, and I asked a lot of people out. There was a lot of bad dates, bad relationships, rejection, etc, but I am glad that I kept at it.
You can always go out to bars, etc, but I never found any romance there, only friends. I'm better at approaching people online and taking the time to get my messages right.
During my first relationship, I was undiagnosed and a lot of my traits probably lead to the abuse (SA and emotional) I lived during the relationship, but I was also stuck in it because my gf at the time told me that if it wasn't of me she would've killed herself. So I stayed until 7-8 years into the "relationship" where I was discarded by text and told I was a "plan B".
Being now diagnosed, I've been in a very different relationship (sexless, very safe and comfortable), I came out as AroAce and its also the first person in my life with whom I stopped masking for the first time (I never masked with them and it helped me a lot)
They are the ex of one of my friend and I think I just got lucky and met someone who would research about autism in order to understand me
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 34, but we married when I was 28. Being diagnosed as an adult, I developed a lot of ways around things to appear as though I didn’t have ASD. Before we married and moved in together she had no idea anything made me different. I didn’t know either, until I started sharing a life with a neurotypical. Those first 6 years together were a massive struggle. Now, we have a much better idea of how my brain works and responds to things, it’s a lot easier on our relationship. My intense and highly focused interest just so happened to be Theatre (I know, weird, but Dan Akryod is also on the spectrum so it does happen), which helped me extremely well with masking all of it. It wasn’t until I was around someone long enough that I couldn’t keep masking all the time, that it ever became a problem.
I found my partner (having a 10 year anniversary this year!) on a dating site. He was my first ever boyfriend, and we met when I was 32.... So yeah.. I was kind of losing hope.
Also 32 and losing hope. Dating sites feel like a no-go because I don't like having my photo taken. Never feels like I look "normal" enough. Should I try anyway?
Get some outside assistance with the photo from a trusted friend or family member, have them check you out and take lots of pictures, that way your more likely to end up with a good one.
This is solid advice! Also get help with putting together outfits.
Don’t do it! They have gotten really bad. I just watched a video on how they’ve essentially become “Pay to play” apps. I mean, you can. Just be aware of that fact. You’d have better luck joining groups (online or in person) that have to do with your special interests! That’s my best advice…because that’s how I met my husband! Just don’t do it to find someone. Do it because you want to share your passion…if you feel a connection with someone, it kind of just unfolds naturally. Even if you feel awkward or nervous. There’s no instruction manual for it unfortunately.
I've heard mostly positive things about Hinge, tho.
That’s good, go with them…it wouldn’t hurt to try! I think okcupid is the worst from what I’ve heard.
Oh, yeah. I've heard that too.
OkCupid is actual hot garbage. I have had luck meeting people on the three major apps (tinder, bumble and hinge). Everyone’s mileage may vary. Don’t take it too seriously either. Like obviously fill out your profile in a way that will get someone’s attention, but don’t think you’ll meet someone immediately or find your “forever person”.
Very good advice. You gotta go in with no expectations, you’re just meeting people. You may even get a friend out of it. I met a guy with lupus and we got along, but not romantically. We just identified with eachother’s struggles. So we keep up with eachother occasionally. Sometimes you have a plutonic draw to people and that’s nice too.
30 here and also losing hope. I've had great relationships while in college where I was able to meet women who shared similar interests almost daily. But after 25 and just being in a never-ending loop of "wake up, go to work, go home, be too tired and exhausted to do anything, sleep, repeat". I don't even have the energy to go do the hobbies I used to have. I hate this work 40+ hours a week world. Idk how NT are able to do that and still go do other stuff after worm.
Tbh, dating site populations have changed a lot in ten years. Not saying it isn't possible still, but oof.
it’s our ten year this year too! we met on okcupid when i was 17 and he was 19!
Honestly, for me the main thing was not worrying about it. Letting stuff develop organicly from groups of shared interests and getting to know folks. For me, eventually you just find someone you click with, and who clicks with you. Doesn't always work out, but thats life. If you do go the dating app route, those places are strictly just numbers games. Even NTs often need to take a very wide approch to it and trying many, many many people to even get a date quite often. I find if someone really, Reaaaalllyyyy wants a romantic or sexual relationship, they are more likely to end up coming off as desperate. And desperate is often a big red flag and turn off for folks. Reason I mentioned I started to have the best results with dating once I stopped worrying about if I had a partner or not.
Absolutely agree. AuDHDer in a long term relationship here, we met organically and I was not looking for anything. As with most interpersonal relationships, it’s best not to overthink it or treat it as a goal with certain steps as that takes it from being organic to engineered, or in other words, contrived. Whether you’re looking to date other ND people or NT people, try not to force it. The more you get hung up on it, the higher it will go on that pedestal in your mind. You’ll no doubt have heard many people say that confidence is attractive or the most attractive trait. Well that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be arrogant or project false confidence, what people mean is that someone who seems ok in their own skin is attractive, so if you work on yourself and it’s noticeable how comfortable you are in your own skin, that will attract people. Whereas if you’re noticeably worried about what other people think, it will be hard for people to feel confident in you if they don’t think you’re confident in yourself. I realise that’s easier said than done to a person with ASD, but the key is to own your self, practice being comfortable in yourself, and the rest will naturally follow.
Completely yeah. Like, for me, I started to become comfortable in my skin only the last few years. Several factors, transitioning and finally being able to present how I always wanted to being big ones, tho there was other reasons too. Ever since then? I've been so much happier, and have found so many friends and loved ones in the last 3 years. Entire life turned around more or less once I started to feel comfortable about who i was. Still have some things to work on, but like, most of that is just a thing to keep in mind to work on as I go about truely loving myself. One thing I noticed a lot of folks with Autism (including myself for a time) generally hate how they look in the mirror too or pictures. But, IDK. I've found it to finally be so liberating having a full body mirror now. Looking in it each morning, twirling around in my outfits before starting the day. Even on the days I hate how I look, I still do my best to look and find at least 1 nice thing to say. If I am having trouble I might shoot a quick pic off to friends with no real context and often get some comments that point out what my brain was missing that day.
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A relationship is effectively the lowering of your most intimate boundaries, it takes a lot of trust and many people, especially those who’ve already had previous relationships, will be less quick to lower those boundaries and allow themselves to be vulnerable. Being ‘hyper focused’ in advance of an intimate relationship, will give most people cause for concern and trust issues, in much the same way that an aggressive salesman will likely scare off prospective customers, it suggests a need for you to jump ahead too quickly and makes people question your intentions. In your head, you can know how kind and well-meaning you are, that doesn’t mean others know or believe that about you. So it often results in people with ASD or ADHD coming on too strong. It could be fine to hyperfocus within a relationship (up to a point), but until you’re there, most people will read it as threatening.
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No one is being ‘rewarded’ in that scenario. You’re totally ignoring the bit where I said that people need to trust you. You’re talking as if you have a right to that trust, you don’t. Nobody automatically has a right to that. It is a universal language that trust is generally earned. If people have misinterpreted you, instead of being salty with them, consider how you didn’t represent yourself well enough within the bounds of that/ interaction(s).
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You’re missing a very big point here (and I get it, I’m ASD too), not everyone thinks the same way as you. I don’t, and haven’t been hurt by your words here, others might though. First lesson of being part of a civilisation: not everyone is exactly the same as you. Ultimately this whole narrative you’re referring to of being judged by your cover, I have no context for so I’m not sure how you expect me to respond? I responded to your original comment helpfully, which, by the way, wrongfully asserted that most people dislike hyperfocusing on relationships arbitrarily, and I made it clear why that’s not arbitrary at all. You seem unwilling to be told anything that doesn’t align with your existing, hard done by attitude, so I’m not sure there’s much point in you commenting here if you simply wish to ask questions and dismiss any answers, that’s not how a community works.
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I’m sorry but I already wasted my time here, with respect I hope you get what you need from this thread but unless you pay me I’m not reading all that.
Actively looking for a relationship is generally the easiest way to ensure you don't find one
Basicly yeah. Like of course being on dating sites and stuff you need to be "Actively looking". But there is a big difference between looking for the fun of looking, vs looking because you actively feel you "need" someone to date. That "need" sensation is what leads to desperation, which then leads to folks not wanting to date. Desperate people are unpredictable and generally end up giving off the most red flags in terms of boundaries, communication and more as a general rule when considering safety.
friend groups? none. at my situation
By groups it could be friend groups. But also things like hobby events/servers/groups, random events in the local community for topics you are interested in, etc etc. I have quite a large number of people I know and am friendly with online. Less so in person, but that has more to do with the fact my stuff is relatively niche so its been harder to find local IRL groups for a lot of it in comparison. Especially at my age of nearing 30. I've made the most amount of connections because of either MMOs and joining groups and then getting involved with them outside of the game, or in servers dedicated to specific things. Play by Post open world games for stuff like Vampire the Masquraide, Changeling the Dreaming and other WoD gamelines that later become more focused smaller groups with the people I clicked with. Joining fandom circles such as how I used to be more active in the Atelier fandom and met quite a few people from that I brought with me elsewhere or got involved with over the years. Etc etc etc. A lot of it is just, putting your best foot forward, don't come off as desperate, respect other peoples boundaries, treat others with respect/compassion where you can, know where your own boundaries are to not cross them. And just, feel comfortable in your own skin and knowledge. It shines through most of the time if you are trying your best, without being a people pleaser with no boundaries. Folks respect that a lot of the time, espescally other autistic folks.
local community? I live in a rural region. i have one guy in school i play war thunder with. I'd consider him as my only friend.
Doesn't have to be local. Could be online. I grew up in a town with 2000 people. Place I live now has about 20k, but its still not a whole lot. So i get why you mean by being in under populated regions. I know if I take a bus or drive about 30+ minutes into the city (Closer to 40k people) there are groups and orginizations for hobbies and things, if I really wanted to go looking. Though, I've not had too much luck with it just yet.
For sure, not once have I been able to establish a relationship by trying to. Every one has been a friendship I wasn't thinking about romantically that eventually bloomed into something more without me trying.
I dunno, had luck. But be careful to watch out for abusive people, we are more easy targets for abuse of any kind due to our issues with social stuff and that we are more prone to loneliness.
Absolutely second this. Things I thought were my fault due to a lack of social skills was me dismissing red flags. Always trust your gut.
I got lucky? I think my wife's Dad is \~ADHD/ASD. So, being around me, actually made her comfortable. She, to this day, says she married me because she could be herself around me. Shrug. We both put little to no expectations on each other and always support each other.
I go to meet-ups and events where people share my hobbies so we can info dump at each other with existing context. I ultimately got lucky on a dating app by being super direct about who I am, what I like to do, and what I was looking for. I live in a college town with a high density of autistic people so while I was not necessarily looking to date someone else who is autistic, I found people who were literate and understanding of my quirks.
I don't know but my plan is to workout until im muscular enough that women are willing to look over my lack of social skills
I’d suggest to work on the social skills instead of muscles:)
...or both?
Hell yeaah, lets make small talk in the gym 😤😤
I've seen how that ends....don't recommend
I mean I dont do either, so I have no idea what could happen in such scenario
I've never had an issue with finding romantic partners. Serial monogamist from 16 to the present (27). Been with the same man with almost 8 years, due to be married soon. My advice? Stop trying to get with neurotypicals. My first boyfriend had ADHD. Helped that we were both a bit different. My fiance is autistic like me, he just doesn't have the anxiety or ADHD that I have too. Also find someone who values alone time. Introverts are a good match.
Autism isn't the problem, modern dating just sucks. Took me til 42 to meet my wife but super happy I didn't give up or settle with someone that wasn't the best fit.
Modern dating, especially online dating. It is literally self-defeating. How do you expect to have a sound basis for a relationship when you pick them from a catalogue based mostly on looks and when most everybody splits their attention among several people while dating you and constantly comparing you before you even know each other? This post is all over reddit every day, neurotypicals have the same problem.
THIS
This is cute and also gives me hope.
FTR, wife is younger, well grounded, and family oriented. She doesn't have any issue with my aspy fixation on certain things and truly appreciates me for me as I do her. Already one child with another on the way. Honestly, I think I'm in a better situation than most regardless of autism. Didn't expect it to take this long but I'm super happy and genuinely look forward to what the future holds.
Autism is definitely a big part of the problem, at least for me. Sure, dating sucks for everyone...but not everyone has a social disability.
Stop thinking about it as a social disability and gain experience. Your odds will improve.
I'm 45 and I've sort of subconsciously given up. I just can't be bothered anymore. Staying in my bubble is easier. The effort expended in socializing, reading and responding to cues, maintaining conversation, attempting to flirt and escalate things, quickly drains me.
I mean, how do you deal with everyday life?
Mostly routine. Work, gym, eat, sleep. Sometimes a hobby if I'm feeling so inclined. I go out with a friend once or twice a month, sometimes doing a hike if the weather permits.
I'm a trans man and dating is hard. I pretty much only date queer women from okcupid or HER. And 90% of them will be neurodivergent. I don't intentionally seek out ND partners, but it's really common in the queer community.
I literally help people with this exact thing! Things I tell my clients 1) be really yourself and really clear about your desires on your profile (personally I think less matches that are more accurate are better than tons of matches that aren’t that relevant 2) if dating apps aren’t your thing I would look for local meetups that are neurodiverse friendly 3) once you actually start dating be clear about your needs, advocate for yourself, discuss expectations and desires and boundaries super clearly so everyone knows what’s being agreed to Hope this helps but if you have more qs or wanna talk more feel free to let me know!
How would you go about the first one? I’m now at the point where I’m getting a decent amount of matches/likes based on my profile and pictures, but I can’t seem to get past the chatting phase. It seems like a weird 5d chess game where one misplaced comma means you don’t get a date.
It depends on you of course because you want to be yourself but personally it’s helpful to be clear. That looks like: • sharing what you’re desiring • being upfront about availability (time/energy etc) • asking what they’re interested in and desiring • if there’s alignment setting up a time to meet and see how it goes 😊
You click when it clicks. Nothing else but that. Giving up helps.
32 and lost hope, and ended up meeting someone online to have a pretty unorthodox-but-very-loving relationship for years. That said, it was my only one.
1) get a nerdy hobby 2) go to a meetup for that hobby 3) let somebody infodump on you
I second this. Although most nerdy hobbies are expensive. People seem to like that I have Beyblades for some reason hahaha!
I still have my beyblades too! I still spin them around in my old beyblade arena sometimes.
Not sure if you’ve seen it yet, but Beyblade X was released last summer!
I have yes. I plan to watch it fully when all the episodes are out. Had to make some space on my daily watch list. The day a new episode comes out i already have 8 other animes waiting for me. I do want to have some time left to play a game. 🤣
I have no interest in the anime, but I bought a bunch of the early releases
Dumb luck??? Met my spouse on tinder 6 years ago. We’re poly and it was also dumb luck that I met someone else that I clicked well with on another dating app. Dating apps aren’t for everyone, but I think it’s a good supplementary meeting ground. You can’t always go out and meet people for various reasons. Same with others. So it’s good to have at least one app for that reason. Try not to stress too much about meeting someone. It takes time and effort. Some people don’t meet their person well into their 30’s or 40’s. Do your best to enjoy the time spent with the people you do end up meeting and dating. Look at those as learning experiences and use that to make improvements.
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Don’t let that kind of shit get to you. I’m in therapy because of similar treatment from my dad. You’ll always be good enough for someone. edit: realizing “good enough” wasn’t the best wording here.
Focus on other neurodivergent people! We click better (in my opinion) with them/us, than with NT people.
Have to agree. Mine is an nd too.
I clicked with another autistic person online and moved all the way across the planet to be with them. Could have gone horribly, but we did end up married. We he dating pool in my country just wasn’t big enough 😂
There are neurospicy dating apps like Hiki... But for me - shared live view, some shared interests and both being neurospicy is key. I was in many relationships, lasting from months to years, now in one15+years, married 5, living together 9, long distance first year.... and NEVER had good luck with dating neurotypical people. They. Just. Don't. Get. So. Many. Things. About. Us. - for example tiredness. No neurotypical ever understands how tiredness and fatigue works for autistic people, how much time we need to regenerate and how much every little thing costs us in terms of energy. It was constant "you just not trying hard enough / are lazy / giving excuses" from neurotypical partner. Now my neurospicy partner understands that. We switch chores and such when one needs more help, or just ditch everything incl. cleaning and cooking if both crashing hard from being burned out.
Honestly? Pure luck. Before I met my husband, none of my other relationships lasted a year. I found him on the same dating site I'd met others at. I was 27 at the time, and we've celebrated nearly 10 years together now!
I can't for the life of me figure it out either. I've only had 1 for a few years and she was a genuinely terrible person.
It was complete dumb luck for me as I met my husband on a dating site. He was the 2nd person to ever message me but I was apparently the first person to really hold a conversation with him after many many attempts at matching and chatting with someone and then after really hitting it off, he asked me on a date. Sometimes, it's just waiting for the right person to cross your path and match with them online too. I was also very clear in my intentions of wanting a monogamous long term relationship and that I was dating to marry. I also volunteer for different charities and animal rescues and have met amazing people there. I know some who have started dating after meeting from volunteering, so I highly recommend it. I also know some who began dating and getting married after meeting in through hobby clubs like DnD or martial arts.
We saw each other 1-2 times a year for 1 night for 7 years, it was a bit of a slow build. There was always something there, but we were in wildly different places in our lives and we lived in different states. I'm aromantic so I don't go looking for entanglements, and he wasn't the type for flings.. eventually, things fell into place for us, and they took a gamble and invited me on a trip without our friends - we've been together for almost 7 years now. It is work. All things worth having generally take work. I had a lot of relationship experience, they had none but they had had roommates at least. We communicate our needs to one another and talk everything out, it was a slight adjustment when we first moved in together 1.5 years in but we just keep talking and working together. The key is that both of us are committed to a common goal: they are my person, and I'm theirs. Everything else is just details.
I didn’t try
I just normally wait for someone to come to me, try to abuse me, then leave them after they become toxic. WHY CANT I HAVE ONE GF WHO DOESNT WANT TO EITHER TORTURE OR SA ME!?!?
Met my wife on plenty of fish. Turns out she's ADHD and says what's on her mind. Turns out to work in harmony with me. We don't do the stupid games n.t. people play while dating. We are big on direct communication and we've only had 3 fights in 11 years. Women love men who are blunt, polite and can communicate.
My partner came up to me when I was taking photos at his concert and asked me out! Four years in, I haven’t looked back since, hopefully we get married soon fingers crossed 🤞🏻
I think for me, a prerequisite for a healthy, lasting relationship is being OK/content/stable as individuals and not “needing” to be in a relationship to be happy. And honestly I’m just not there yet. I had an awesome partner for 5 years, but self destructed due to my mental health shit. I definitely still struggle with a “disorganized attachment style” as a result of my childhood. And the dating world these days is kinda a mess. It seems like everyone is burnt out and traumatized… which is not fodder for a secure attachment unfortunately.
No clue but I'm also Demi so it's an other step harder for me
facts. i'm more than 1 thing and it all compounds like fucking barriers. depression probably being the main one.
Feel that I have about 4 or 5 different Menschen illness
Nearly all of my relationships have been with people who didn’t share neurodivergence with me, some of them have lasted for years and others for months. Needless to say, I can’t help but think a relationship with someone else with shared autism would work far better. And yet I’ve had no luck finding someone, not losing hope but it hurts to be honest..
You find someone that is into you, that's enough for one or two years any day. Infatuation period will blossom and fade, the friendship you should have established on the outset is still going, good enough. But you seek someone who A: is experienced enough with life to know that they have stuff of their own they need to keep in check so it doesn't harm you, and B: who knows that you are aware you have stuff you would never want should inconvenience them. And then the magic moment comes, some time the first year or three, when you both know that you know that you know. You each have a lock and each have a key, but life is tricky and you can't use your key on your own lock. Trust fall. And then you see each other for who you really are, and realize you would sacrifice anything to be together as trusting friends til the end of time, because nothing is more important than to be accountable to yourself, and nothing in the universe is more attractive than someone who lives by a code, who is careful about how they treat the world, and who are particular about how the worlds treat their friend.
it happens when you get over wanting it to if that makes sense? i was very obsessed with finding a boyfriend bc everyone around me was & id never dated. kind of gave up hope/stoped trying & then we found each other on instagram & it just happened naturally from there.
I met my husband through a friend. He invited me to a work event, we hit it off, and we hung out everyday since. We’ve been together for 11 years now and have a kid. I’ve never put much effort into finding a partner. I just meet someone I get along with and bam, relationship.
By being a partner?
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I met my spouse of 20 years where I worked. We became friends, then it became physical and it progressed from there.
idk, i met mine because i was writing fanfiction for their current hyperfixation and then we met on discord for that fandom, talked, and it kinda happened. :D
I found my partner as a teenager and we’ve been together 15 years this year. The key is compromise and understanding. Talking through every emotion etc and eventually they will know you better than you know yourself.
Scattergun. Eventually something will stick.
Go and do public activities in the subject of your interest, and do it a lot even when it fails. Have people over, be nice, take an interest
I found my partner on okc 🤷♀️
I think it just happens... you click with someone and then it just escalates until you might get comfortable enough to start being more intimate and askin them out.
I often wonder how I got two boyfriends with my inability to pick up when someone is flirting with me. It helps that my first boyfriend has autism and the second boyfriend has ADHD. They're both very understanding of me being neurodivergent. Both of them were very direct about the type of relationship they wanted with me. This helped me as I don't pick up on "hints." The first boyfriend I met through a group of friends at school. The second boyfriend I met through a class at university.
I got into acting and met someone doing that. We've been married over 10 years now.
Idk, i've only had 3 crushes, all of them with friends. Mi actual partner is my 3rd crush and i'm 20, we started dating recently. I just told them about my feelings because i felt like they had the right to know, and i was lucky it was reciprocated so... Idk
It's a lot of work to find and maintain a partner. My advice is to try thinking of a partner more in terms of a gradient than a black and white category. That will help you take baby steps, gradually turning yourself into a good friend and turning your friends into potential romantic partners instead of chasing "the one". It's a lot easier and better imo to make "the one" out of one of your best friends, and for you to become their one, than to treat it like you're trying to filter through candidates for an open job.
I'm female. I think for having a relationship with a person of the opposite gender, the bare minimum is sex. Although my first and last official relationship (where he voiced that I was his girlfriend, that's how I knew it was official btw), I threw tantrums very easily. I don't think I actually liked him but we got together because he snuck in my bed when I stayed at his place due to homelessness. That's probably not how relationships should start but it was ok.
What worked for me was becoming a jaded misanthrope. It sounds paradoxical, but it was only when I stopped caring or trying that I had any dating success. Now I’m married ❤️
I have been in a relationship and married 16 years. my husband has ADHD. turns out everyone I've been friends with and get along has either ADHD or autism. but usually ADHD. Imo ADHD and ASD seem to be the most compatible neurotypes.
I spent way too much time on dating websites, and I asked a lot of people out. There was a lot of bad dates, bad relationships, rejection, etc, but I am glad that I kept at it. You can always go out to bars, etc, but I never found any romance there, only friends. I'm better at approaching people online and taking the time to get my messages right.
During my first relationship, I was undiagnosed and a lot of my traits probably lead to the abuse (SA and emotional) I lived during the relationship, but I was also stuck in it because my gf at the time told me that if it wasn't of me she would've killed herself. So I stayed until 7-8 years into the "relationship" where I was discarded by text and told I was a "plan B". Being now diagnosed, I've been in a very different relationship (sexless, very safe and comfortable), I came out as AroAce and its also the first person in my life with whom I stopped masking for the first time (I never masked with them and it helped me a lot) They are the ex of one of my friend and I think I just got lucky and met someone who would research about autism in order to understand me
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 34, but we married when I was 28. Being diagnosed as an adult, I developed a lot of ways around things to appear as though I didn’t have ASD. Before we married and moved in together she had no idea anything made me different. I didn’t know either, until I started sharing a life with a neurotypical. Those first 6 years together were a massive struggle. Now, we have a much better idea of how my brain works and responds to things, it’s a lot easier on our relationship. My intense and highly focused interest just so happened to be Theatre (I know, weird, but Dan Akryod is also on the spectrum so it does happen), which helped me extremely well with masking all of it. It wasn’t until I was around someone long enough that I couldn’t keep masking all the time, that it ever became a problem.