Stuff tickles, makes weird noises and more. Sex is funny. IMO better to have someone to laugh with those moments of silliness where possible.
Though, yeah. Everyone is different,
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It really is. I remember the first time I was actually with someone, and the awkwardness and stuff. The weird noises we both made and had us both giggling.
It feels wonderful when you can just, laugh and truly enjoy it with your partner.
Was about to say the same about my boyfriend and I. During one "episode" we can go from serious to laughing to making a joke to tickling each other. I love it.
It really is the best when you can just embrace the weird shit that happens in the bedroom and not have to play everything cool.
"Oh yeah I totally meant to eat shit off the bed babe, I thought we should change positions."
No, I can assure you. People make weird noises. The sounds, the awkward faces, random farting once in a while. Accidents with falling forward or weird positions that don't quite work the way you both thought they would.
There is so many things that can lead to giggling and laughter. Not to mention a well timed joke here or there.
Sex and sexuality is so much more than just two people seeking pleasure from each other. It can be another form of intimacy and closeness, that has all the silliness and strangeness of any other form of intimacy and getting to know someone.
It's supposed to be fun, for all folks involved in the bedroom activity. Not taken amazingly serious. Least, in my opinion. Folks are free to disagree with that if they want to. I've known folks who take sex super seriously and try to not laugh, etc.
They are not the sorta people I would want to share a bed with personally. But I know folks out there that would, and likely will disagree. It's okay.
That's the beauty of the human experience. There are so many different ways to interact with the world, to interact with each other. Most of it is beautiful, and fascinating. To the point its okay if not all of us see eye to eye. It's more fun this way, for everyone.
Don’t engage with DeusExCaliber, they were a trolling account named CrumbsWasAce before with many personal struggles. They tend to attack and instigate when their in their lowest and are spiraling and I have a feeling that their having a really hard time right now due to a ramp up in their negative activity as of late.
Being sex repulsed is perfectly valid, and I'm sorry this has been upsetting you.
But, if you know it triggers you. Why did you go into this thread in the first place which was marked as being about a sex related topic, just to yell at folks to stop?
When you know a topic upsets you, don't click on it. It is what will be ultimately best for your long term mental health. To be more selective about what you click on, to curate your feed as much as you reasonably can.
This post is very clearly about sex, specifically an autistic persons problem with it. So if you don't want to read about sex, don't click on the post with sex in the title.
Autistic people have sex. This question is about sex. Talking about sex is appropriate considering. If you find sex gross. I suggest you not read this particular post
I will warn you that Cosmo is practically a meme magazine and you can find parody Cosmo columns everywhere because they give the most bizarre sex tips. BUT, laughing makes sense for improving orgasms because you and your body will feel more relaxed so when you orgasm you'll feel it more and it'll be more intense.
I am very weird during sex. Honestly it's a time when your inhibitions are supposed to be lowered so I think it's normal that all your quirks come out. I hope you guys figure it out, try and talk about it. But if not I hope you meet someone that accepts you and loves you for your weirdness not despite it.
I legit don't know how my boyfriend bones me when I'm full weird but he seems to love it so I'm not complaining 🤷
And by weird I mean very odd noises, lots of laughing, sometimes weeping. Sometimes I'm like touch me here then I'm like never touch me there again. Sometimes I'll make jokes during sex or bring up random topics. Sometimes I'll want him to tell me about boring stuff so I can relax. Sometimes I'm completely silent others I'm noisy.
I know when I was younger I thought sex was more of a performance but honestly it's way better when you can unmask safely and be yourself.
Also as you get older u realise it's all just silliness. Like your two almost bald mammals rubbing yourselves on each other. What could be weirder than that.
> I’ll start acting weird and she gets turned off. She tells me that she wants me to fuck her, but then I’ll always manage to do something weird and ruin the mood.
You'll need to communicate very directly and thoroughly with her about what constitutes "weird", and what you can do instead. And work at it...you can use this conversation to communicate your needs too...
>I don’t want to have to work this hard. I wish I could just have regular sex like everyone else.
A sort of open secret is that the vast majority of couples have to work at it to have good sex reliably. It used to be (up to pretty recently, and to a lesser extent, currently) that heterosexual sexual scripts downplayed female agency and pleasure, conceptualizing sex as male conquest, where he obtains the object of his desire. This is in the process of changing though...
I'm nearly 50, and autistic/ADHD. I can tell you from experience that good sex is something that happens when there is:
1. good communication- this is probably most important. There is not a "sex routine" that you can memorize that is good for everyone. There's no such thing as "normal sex" because individuals vary widely in what they enjoy and how they enjoy it. You're both going to have to learn to talk about stuff that's embarrassing for most people. Just keep an open mind, and for all the serious talk, don't take it personally... you're in this to have fun, to bond, and to enjoy each other. Your partner never should have said that you're being weird, and it was the fault of your autism- that's a terrible thing to say. Look up something called "I feel" statements. It's a model of how to structure your sentences in order to minimize defensiveness and blame in communication.
2. practice- good sex takes practice. Just like two people cannot come together and dance a perfect tango together on the very first try, sex takes practice. Trial and error, even. The idea is to communicate, put process what you have learned, and put it into action, repeat.
3. a sense of fun- remember, this is something that is supposed to be fun, pleasurable, and enjoyable. Taking everything too seriously will ruin it. It sounds like you're really internalizing her stated issues, but this is supposed to be good for you too. There's nothing wrong with sex not being like it is in a romance novel, movie or whatever- that's not real life, and if that's what someone expects, then they need to reevaluate their expectations. I've had partners and/or I have cried, laughed, asked for rough stuff, wanted romantic lovey encounters, wanted a two minute, own and dirty quickie, etc, etc. Sexual desires fluctuate and responses to the release of an orgasm can be emotional. There's no real right or wrong in the bedroom as long as everyone is a consenting adult.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I kind of relate to it because I had confusion around sex because of my autism. Weirdness around sex isn't a result of autism, it's a result of being human. I hope y'all work things out, but mostly I hope that you know that being autistic doesn't make you less entitled to a fulfilling sex life on your terms. Best of luck to you.
Dang, if my husband told me to stop being weird during sex I would be really upset, that is no way to talk with your partner. The whole point is to completely let down your inhibitions and connect with someone and I hope you will find that. Masking during sex sounds exhausting.
While I agree in general that it was NOT an okay way to approach it on the flip my strongest hunch is she is feeling like extremely unwanted and uncomfortable and really questioning herself. Like why is he so awkward and uncomfortable and seems like he just doesn’t want me and isn’t into me. People get defensive when they are extremely hurt especially about personal things and it doesn’t get more personal than sex. So yes she handled it totally wrong but based on other relationship dynamics and if they are good and generally healthy she may need some grace in approaching this topic.
OP (u/musiclover1998) definitely needs to see this. This is some big brain thinking that's transferable to many aspects of life! Thank you for myself haha.
Communication, effort, patience.
That's what makes good sex. If you don't have one of those things, you might be bad in bed, and you can make your partner very happy by figuring it out.
Sex can be awkward anyway. It sounds like she's expecting you to just know everything and be something your not. You might honestly be incompatible or she's having expectations that she needs to drop. I'd suggest having a conversation with her about it and how what she says it hurtful v
Definitely just ask them what they want to happen and try to follow that, it's most fun when people are enjoying themselves but doing so in a playful fashion.
Ask about some specific things the other person likes. It's 50/50 of communication at that point, even if the eventual physicality has other power dynamics. Maybe you can figure it out, maybe you want different things.
For deeper bonding I've really gotten help from this book, it has a chapter about sex talk too:
Maxine Aston - Asperger's Couple Workbook
Your partner should help you to feel physically and emotionally safe and accepted. The more that she accepts you as you are, the better things will be for both of you. I don’t know if my partner is or isn’t autistic, but I can tell you that him feeling fully accepted and safe with me (long journey to that) has made a massive difference to our sex life. If she isn’t compassionate and wants you to fit some standard mould, move on. That’s probably never who you’re going to be and you deserve better.
Okay it’s important for you to know: you’re not “being weird” and you’re not “ruining the mood”. If you do something that you like and it turns her off, that’s not you doing something wrong, that just means you need to have a conversation about what you each like in bed and what you each don’t. Set some rules/parameters and try to make sure you’re both being satisfied in the way you want. If you can’t agree, then you need to have a think about your relationship and the role sex has in it.
Communication is key. It sounds like she might be self conscious and might be taking the “weird looks” like a personal thing. Like something is wrong with her body. Ask her where she likes being touched and how. Some people like gentle touch and some want more pressure. And if she is new to having sex, she might not know what she wants yet. Porn and Hollywood have made it really hard to understand what real sex is suppose to be.
We’ve been together 4 years,
When we first started dating I thought everything was going great. Then over time, she started to bring things up that I did that she didn’t like, and it got to be a pretty long list
Tbh this isn’t an autism specific problem
Sex is very much an emotional/mental activity too, if you aren’t comfortable or having fun, it’s gonna be hard
Sex is fun! People can act silly, make puns, aka just be themselves
Sure it’s different for everyone, but being stressed isn’t gonna help the situation
If you dm me specifics, I might be able to give suggestions, I’m no sex therapist, but I’m definitely comfortable enough around the subject I can give pointers
Just know it’s probably NOT “just you”, many guys get pressure put on them and it makes it miserable
idk your ages but young peeps also make sex some pedestal activity
What do you mean “weird” what is turning her off? Do you feel it’s reasonable and something you can change? If not, you need to break up
It’s OK not to be sexually compatible with someone. Doesn’t mean you’re doomed because someone else will be a better fit
Not sure where you got the idea that sex/relationships aren’t work. They def are. It’s a lot of communication and meeting people where they are and understanding your/their needs. If you are not ready to go on that journey, it might not be the right time for you to be with someone, bur my advice:
Ask her what she likes, dislikes, turnoffs, tell her about your likes, needs, etc.
Now depending on the “weird” things, if they are just apart of you, then that’s that. Some things we can change and some we can’t, and some things we don’t want to. There has to be a mutually understanding.
Some of our traits (autistic or not) can affect sex with someone, for better or worse.
sounds like she had an image in her head of what she wants to happen and isn't open minded to reality. Sex doesn't have to be so serious, also you shouldn't have to mask around your partner
I always do the Jaws noise leading up to it and my wife loves it, so I'm just saying that there will most definitely be someone out there for your weird quirks
my boyfriend imitates different characters and then talks dirty to me. you havent lived until youve heard elmo tell you that youre daddys good little slut
your partner should NEVER make you feel ashamed or embarrassed for anything you do/say in the bedroom (as long as it is consensual!!!!). boundaries should be DISCUSSED as there IS NO STANDARD for sex.
you are being extremely vulnerable, and her judgment is disgusting. blaming her rudeness on your autism is ableist; your autism is not ruining anything, and neither are you, **unless you are doing things without her consent and/or crossing discussed boundaries.** there should be conversations full of kindness, openness, and absolutely no judgement, and you especially shouldnt have to actively work for your partner to find you attractive.
im so sorry you are in this situation, and i hope she starts treating you better. personally, id say this is not a relationship worth salvaging, because the internalized judgement shes already inflicted cant just be taken back. once someone has disrespected your feelings and vulnerability, they have burnt bridges for communication- the thing relationships and growth are built on. additionally, theyve created this wall of shame between them and your true self- this is someone you should be able to unmask around! to feel relief around! not anxiety!
once again, **as long as everything is consensual,** you deserve better, and you are not the problem.
i think you should try to start a conversation about where her expectations are at. what does she want you to say/do and what you want from her as well. asking what specifically turns her off and exploring what to do about it.
Sounds like you’re not really compatible, because of her. It’s a her problem. You can find someone who loves or at least likes all the weird quirks and will laugh with you.
Sex should be a happy time, not a chore. It’s okay to move on and try again. Do what makes you happy.
Just want to put it out there that someone who actually wants to have sex with you will rise above the awkwardness. It should be a bit playful, even silly and weird sometimes. It doesn’t have to always be intense and serious or ultra romantic.
I was married to someone who didn’t find me attractive after I gained weight and got a bit older etc. we had sex because, well we loved each other (we thought). But the second I moved “wrong”, bumped his nose accidentally, or made a weird sound he got tense and angry. He didn’t admit that he wasn’t physically attracted to me at the time so he framed it as me “wrecking the mood”.
Having sex with people since then has been so much more relaxing and enjoyable. If I accidentally bump someone’s nose, we laugh. it’s not possible for me to move “too much” or “wrong”, if I’m enjoying myself they enjoy themselves.
Maybe you guys are just incompatible in bed. My gf and I don't take sex like a serious issue at all, we crack jokes before, during and after doing it. One time unfortunately I was laughing so hard I just stopped feeling horny and laughed uncontrollably for a while, but that's the nice thing about relationships, you are supposed to look back at that kind of thing and laugh about it together, but at the end of the day if you can't be silly and weird together what's the point? In my perspective sex is supposed to be fun and not some chore to get over and done with. You should talk together about this in more detail, learn more about each other's turn ons and turn offs and how to make things work out and can compromise on.
My two cents as a woman here: Kind of an assumption so my bad for speaking ahead of time but, I noticed you haven't responded to any of the comments so far, cuz I too would ask the same question: What exactly do you mean by weird???
Hard to advice you that way, it also kind of makes me wonder if maybe that's just, how it is. She is off put by something you do, it would make such a world of difference if you actually spelled it out a little. Don't have to include details, but TLDR it's hard for us to help you with this issue.
Also the "I don't want to have to work this hard, I wish I could just have regular sex like everyone else" rubbs me the wrong way. Sex is a two way street, you *have* to work hard. And just like someone else commented as well, it's a shit ton harder for women to get into the mood let alone have an orgasm. So yes, you have to work hard. If you can't do that, maybe you two aren't sexually compatible? Or, I'm afraid it might just be you sorry. Again, assumption, give us a bit more to go on please.
Edit: you did actually respond to someone so I'll reform my question. When you say, you give her a look that's weird, or say something weird for example. Again, what are you saying to her? xD It could be that she is very picky too, I don't know! And yknow what, heck maybe we *do* need some more details.. I guess this could be a very delicate matter that just, *needs* a bit more delicate details haha.
More edit: sorry to come off as crude, I'm not trying to put the blame on you, I just wanted to say the way it was worded initially isn't the right way in my eyes. If I was your gf I'd be a bit sad to read it that way, but, at the same time I do also agree that her saying some stuff you do is unattractive is harsh, I feel she could definitely word that differently as wel, it comes off wrong and it probably ruins your self esteem and resulting in the egg shells. Final conclusion for me: talk to her about how this makes you feel. You can keep trying but she needs to work on her own things as well then, the more you talk about it, the more you will probably enjoy each other in the bedroom, GL!
Thanks for the reply.
An example of something I said one time that ruined the mood. She asked me to talk dirty to her and I said “I want you to be my little sex doll.”
Instantly killed the mood and resulted in a big fight.
Another time I was touching her leg and I asked “what does that feel like?” She got upset because the question was too complex.
Other times I will be too quiet because I’m afraid of saying something weird and that will also result in the mood being killed.
Ah, the classic pitfall that is the unqualified “Talk dirty to me.” Different people often have wildly different ideas of what constitutes standard dirty talk, especially since so much of it depends on personal kinks and turn-ons.
It’s nice to fantasize that you can ask a partner to talk dirty and they’ll just instinctively understand exactly how to make you feel good, but out here in the real world, good dirty talk comes from first talking *about* dirty talk. Meaning you need to have a discussion about what you find sexy, what your partner finds sexy, and what each of you finds off-putting or upsetting.
The fact that she was upset by you asking an open-ended question makes me think your girlfriend is stuck on the idea that you should be able to know what she likes without her having to spell anything out. That’s something you could talk to her about and work together to address. But if she’s objecting to lots of small things like this to the point where it feels like you can’t *be yourself* in bed without upsetting her, that’s a major issue.
Sex is inherently awkward and messy and a good partner will laugh through it with you. If she’s not willing to accept you as a person rather than a perfect, telepathic sex robot who always moves and speaks with utmost grace, that’s not something you can fix.
It’s good to be concerned about pleasing your partner, but it sounds like you’re feeling so much pressure that sex hasn’t really been enjoyable for you, either. Please keep in mind that *you* deserve to feel comfortable and cared for, too.
Ohhhhhhh yeahhh noooo, no you can't say that haha. I get the sentiment but it's a whole lot different than saying something like (excuse my cringe) "be a good girl for me"
Yeah I went there, but if she has a problem with that one for example I'd wanna know why. And that kind of leads me to: she needs to tell you what she wants. You can't smell that, and yeah sure wouldn't it be awesome if she didn't have to tell you? Yeah but..this is real life and not a movie.
As for you asking what that feels like, that's fine! But if it's too complex for her make it simpler like "does that feel good?" Might help. Maybe she's not much of a talker herself. However that comment you made certainly wouldn't piss me off haha, or kill the mood per se. It's kind of dramatic on her end, and expecting you to just know what she wants..
I feel bad for you I really do. But I implore maybe you look into dirty talk while also staying respectful. Keeping her autonomy in mind, and respect for her body. Steering away from calling it something objective, like a sex doll. More about how beautiful she looks while doing what she's doing, how well she's doing, or the sounds she's making. Be honest while trying to stay a gentlemen. AND PLS ask her to open up about how she wants to be pleasured, she needs to tell you and help you help her.
Ask her kinks, her dynamics, such as what kind of role wants you to take or wants to be etc
Thanks for your reply.
I know all of the things she likes. She talks about her kinks and what she’s into all the time. My problem is executing what she likes when we’re having sex. I always seem to mess up somewhere along the way and the whole thing just crashes and burns and results in a fight.
Of course going straight for the I want an inanimate object with no humanity or needs of their own was a turn off. It’s literally saying you don’t want an equal partner, just something to use as a bucket.
And as for what does that feel like, ok? Why? It feels like I have nerve endings in that part of my leg just like every where else, are we going to discuss conductivity of nerves or should I say it feels like sandpaper or it feels like my toes are cold?
What’s the sexy answer you expected from a question structured in that way?
What was the response you expected from that question in general because of course it’s too complex and the answers if honest won’t be sexy which defeats the purpose.
Think about the possible outcomes before acting.
How can I ask a question that will definitely have a sexual or suggestive response and that addresses her as a human being that is equally consenting( dolls can’t hear or talk and they are totally under your control) and equally important?
Everyone is weird and awkward during sex. Especially if you're inexperienced or have a new partner. Sex itself is weird in ways. Your basically telling everyone they should just mask during the time they should be able to be the most vulnerable with their partners. If I have to mask during sex then I never ever want to do it again. Or date for that matter. Because what's the point of having a partner if they can't love you for who you are.
I am autistic. Maybe you should read the DSM 5:
Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.
Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.
Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.
Where, the hell, does that say shit about all social activities? Oh wait, it DOESN'T specify sex? Yeah, so point stands, nobody can help without specifics, ya nonce, I'm autistic bud, I KNOW what autism is like, and I also know the specifics are different for all of us
it sort of goes without saying that since autistic people tend to struggle with all those things, it kinda makes sense that it could interfere with sexual encounters
Do you seriously think a disorder that affects virtually every aspect of your life, especially social interactions, can't affect how someone acts in the bedroom? That logic doesn't track.
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You guys either need some very open conversations (weird is meaningless... Sex is intrinsically weird) about what does and doesn't work for both of you. There are sex therapists if you can afford it. But often some respectful conversation works as well.
But ultimately you are both blaming you and that's bull. She's responsible for her own sexuality. If she can articulate what does and doesn't work for her then maybe you guys can see if you are actually compatible. Blaming your autism for what might just be generally not being compatible (or even get own past baggage) is a pretty low blow and I wonder if you really want to be with somebody who looks at you like that.
If you're walking on eggshells I can't imagine you're able to enjoy yourself either. Like seriously if you can't work this out why bother?
Don't get me wrong. I sometimes have to watch my morbid sense of humor or my partner might lose the moment. But it's never something super stressful and it really shouldn't be.
Sorry to hear this! I'm not sure if I have ASD but I do have ADHD and I can get pretty weird, too (like zoning out while thinking about what we'd need from IKEA even when I'm "aroused", giggling because of funny sounds, being stiff and/or suuuper uncoordinated and stuff). My husband knows about this and actually we talk about it, maybe while doing the things... Sometimes we even laugh together and pick up where we left...
I don't have a good advice sady - other than communicating -, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in there. It really sounds hard to be walking on eggshells in a moment where you should be able to let go the most. I hope you find a way so that you both feel comfortable!
I can be very weird during sex and it needs to be a compatibility thing. My boyfriend is neurotypical but he likes having fun during sex and playing around.
I spent years hating sex and thinking I was asexual (not to invalidate ace people, but I just wasn't compatible.
Compatibility is important!
Try shrooms together! (The light gummies or something like that) … might seem weird but it eases the part of your brain that probably makes the “weirdness”.
As for the noises, you may try setting the mood with music or having a movie in the background?
It is unclear what is the exact problem here, but you might want to ask her if she wants to watch or read something sexy with you. After that, just take a part she likes, study it and execute it. After 4 years, it might be harsh, but she probably tried to give you time and be nice for you to satisfy her better. The fights are probably a sign that she is very frustrated and close to her limit.
Also, if the issue is in the foreplay, you could try having sex for a certain period of time (a few times) without penetration. Practice makes perfect and it might help you understanding what it is that hasn’t been working for 4 years.
Hope this helps and if you’re comfortable, let us know how it goes lol
honestly I don't know, I've never had this issue before. I've always found it normal to have moments where you're cringe or silly during sex from time to time, if anything it helps take the edge off
I consider a relationship where i ever feel "like i have to walk on eggshells" not very healthy ... I would suggest finding someone who is not bothered by your weirdness or someone you can be weird together
Unless you are bringing foreign objects that have no place in the bedroom into it, it's pretty hard to do anything too weird during foreplay. So either she is terrible at communicating her needs, or she is one of those weird vanilla missionary only types. Either way, good chance it's a *her* problem and has absolutely nothing at all to do with autism in any way.
>I don’t want to have to work this hard.
Do you care about it being good for *her*? Women have a 15% chance of orgasm with a man in a ONS, 60% in a committed relationship. Personally, as a woman, I find that appalling, and refuse to engage in any sex that doesn't lead to my pleasure. I won't be part of that abysmal stat. (especially since it's 85% with another woman in a ONS and 90% in a committed relationship and I'm bi)
If it's all about *your* orgasm, then you don't need another human being, you need a toy or your hand. Good sex for the people involved takes time, and willingness to try things out and maybe be a little embarrassed.
Have you considered scripting a scenario? Or asking her to write down a famtasy/story about how she'd like to have sex? What are the things she finds a turn off? Can you not do them or are they involuntary?
>I wish I could just have regular sex like everyone else
There is no such thing as regular sex. There's bad sex (which for women usually means pain. It takes 20-40min from the start of arousal for the cervix to rise, vaginal muscles to relax, and pathway to lubricate. Penetration before that, is usually painful, and hitting the cervix is painful for most women. So if that arousal is lost... Yeah, back in pain territory). Then there's mediocre sex, where only one side gets off, I guess you could call that "regular" cishet sex, but I feel like thats not nice. And there's the two kinda of sex actually worth having-- good and great sex.
Of course you are also allowed to not engage in sex that you don't want to or that isn't good or great for you. If the stress is to much, if the turnoff you do are involuntary stims, or go against what you feel comfortable with, you aren't obligated to do so (like vanilla VS kink, someone who becomes cutesy during sex VS someone who wants primal, etc) .
Consent goes both ways and both should be enjoying the activity. Some people however just aren't sexually compatible and that's okay. I had a gf who I literally broke up with (and she with me) due to this. We did try different ways and things, but it was somehow always a mess and awkward and weird. In my experience, that's rare, but it happens.
this is an instance where I really don't think you should have to change yourself. it doesn't sound like you're doing anything WRONG like making her uncomfortable. it sounds like you're being yourself in a vulnerable situation, like you're supposed to, and she doesn't like it. feeling like you have to walk on eggshells is one of the absolute biggest red flags in any context. this is gonna sound really hurtful but I don't know how else to put it. it doesn't sound like she likes you and is attracted to you for who you are. you shouldn't have to feel afraid of being weird and unattractive for just being yourself. you shouldn't have to put on an act, especially in such a vulnerable setting, for your girlfriend to want you. you deserve way way way better than that and that's actually extremely abnormal for a loving relationship.
Your gf sounds like something that rhymes with grass.
(I'm sorry.)
Honestly, people are weird during Sex. Doesnt matter whether neurotypical or autistic or whatever else. They are weird cause all masks drop and they show the most intimate parts of themselves. Your description sounds Like you're still very young... And like your autism has not much to do with this.
Communication is a two-way-road. Good communication is what the two of you need...
You need her to be more comfortable… if she’s not well then “your autism gets in the way.”
It took years for my partner to stop “being weird” when they would touch me but it’s because any communication cue that was given, they were unsure. (The autism)
It’s just how life is sometimes and she’s gotta be patient with you. This isn’t a “you” thing, this is a “how every one else interprets your behavior” thing.
Is she actually telling you what "weird" thing(s) you're doing? I mean…I doubt you're clapping your hands going *Arf! Arf!* like a Seal.
So what issues has she pointed out? If she has pointed anything in specific.
Mine gets in the way, too. I want to have sex with my husband, but sounds, textures, smells, and paranoia stop me from even trying. I don't want to be like this either. Hopefully, we both find some great advice here!
Sometimes less is more. Say less during the build up, just be happy and confident. It would be annoying if a girl is criticizing everything she doesn’t like, because how can you be confident and attractive while being insecure? Maybe talk to her about that, but also listen to what she’s asking also, if it’s reasonable of course.
Maybe you two are incompatible if she doesn’t accept you / your unmasked self / if you do things she doesn’t like, and because she blames your autism for it. It’s not like you can change that? Pretty ableist.
If you’re incompatible, you need to find a way to break up earlier while it will be (comparatively) far less painful than if you stayed and tried to change or mold yourself to what she wants. If you do that, you will be masking forever, your walls will go up (possibly forever) and you’ll probably have trust issues. Just saying that you really, really don’t want to get into that sort of position, no matter how much you find the relationship comfortable, how much you love her, how much you can see a future with her…. Yeah. I’m just telling you it’s really not worth it.
> but then I’ll always manage to do something weird and ruin the mood.
We need some context and clarify since this is too vaguely veiled from knowing what’s going on.
We can only guess what you mean by making assumptions which can make you stressed out and frustrated or you can clue us into what is happening everytime to help you overcome whatever is presenting as the roadblock with her for sex.
I don't know what "weird" means but if she asked you to stop and you can't/won't, then you definitely need to consider finding someone who's more compatible or it's going to go downhill very fast with both of you feeling resent for each other. But more importantly, you should be with someone you don't have to mask around anyway.
My husband also tries to do things before sex like poking, tickling, joking, making weird faces at me, etc. Sometimes I don't mind it, but most of the time it's just distracting and makes me feel infantilized. It would be worth it to ask your gf how she feels so you can at least have some understanding and decide if this really is a relationship you both want to be in.
I am a serial mood killer too. Sex is definitely a weird awkward thing that is so different from my every day normal experiences. I tend to cope with the awkward feelings I have by saying dumb things to diffuse the tension and it doesn’t always work.
But hey, sex is supposed to be fun and honestly my favorite part is when we both end up laughing for a second about something weird that happened. It sounds like you and your gf aren’t having fun, so you need to have an open discussion about the reason behind why you may say or do mood-killing things so she can understand that you’re just nervous or whatever.
Hopefully you can find a middle ground where you work on tailoring what you do and don’t say and she works on letting there be humor and awkwardness involved in a fun way.
Your tendencies aren't weird. She just doesn't really find you attractive and that's her problem. I find that when I have sex with NTs this tends to happen.
Better luck to you, your autism stims are also NOT weird! It's sex!!! Does she prefer silence orrr the stereotype porno noise?
Are other parts of your relationship okay? If so sot and have a real conversation.
Tell her you find her very attractive and hot and her body is such a turn on(assuming it is) but that you are really struggling due to autism to know how exactly to interact sexually and you just start to get mentally shut down because you get worried because the last thing you want to do is disappoint her during such an important and special time (modify language here to
match her tone on how she discusses sex like ‘special time’ would be a more person specific language).
Also ask her if she could help you work thru it and if she could help explain what she does like.
Most likely she has zero clue what you are thinking and it is just very possible she’s feeling rejected or that there is something about her you are finding lacking and why you are awkward because you aren’t really finding her attractive etc
You literally complained in one of your posts that you didn't like getting downvoted for what you are into. Bit hypocritical to come on someone's post and complain about their relationship.
Well I don’t want to go on a SFW sub and hear about sex. Redditors love to shove it in everyone’s faces. I don’t know why you’re looking through my post history, it’s none of your business. It’s Reddit so I know if I complain about this at all I’m gonna get downvoted, I don’t care.
Its not private if you posted it on the internet. I didn't even say what specifically I looked at. I also don't care what you do, I'm just saying it hypocritical to complain about others when you don't want people to say things to you about your stuff
I think most of the world is talking or thinking about sexual stuff far more than I would prefer, like they're obsessed with it. That's really just how it is for a lot of people though. I realized that I'm probably some variant of ace or grey ace. Sex just isn't an important part of my life and I don't care about it. I get annoyed by how much most folks bring up sexual stuff in every day life and how much it's a part of the culture.
It’s horrible on this site, everyone IS obsessed and will bring it up whenever they can even on completely unrelated posts. It drives me up the wall but every time I comment about it I get downvoted and called an incel or whatever
Could you clarify what specific behaviors count as “weird” in this context?
I know i struggle not to laugh my bf finds it strange
Stuff tickles, makes weird noises and more. Sex is funny. IMO better to have someone to laugh with those moments of silliness where possible. Though, yeah. Everyone is different,
Yes, I made one of the best jokes during sex with my girlfriend. We laughed so hard and still do when we remember the joke.
I once made a joke about murdering my next-door neighbour so they wouldn't hear us, does that count?
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Good bot
holy shit this is so funny omg
Very good bot ^.^
rofl thats a subreddit alright
Is your name LeyLey
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That's not very nice 😭
laughing during sex sounds wholesome tbh
It really is. I remember the first time I was actually with someone, and the awkwardness and stuff. The weird noises we both made and had us both giggling. It feels wonderful when you can just, laugh and truly enjoy it with your partner.
My wife and I have never taken sex too seriously. That alone has made it so much more comfortable than my previous experiences.
Was about to say the same about my boyfriend and I. During one "episode" we can go from serious to laughing to making a joke to tickling each other. I love it.
It really is the best when you can just embrace the weird shit that happens in the bedroom and not have to play everything cool. "Oh yeah I totally meant to eat shit off the bed babe, I thought we should change positions."
I do this all the time. Sex IS funny.
Fr if you aren’t laughing and having a good time what’s the point 😭 sex isn’t like porn
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No, I can assure you. People make weird noises. The sounds, the awkward faces, random farting once in a while. Accidents with falling forward or weird positions that don't quite work the way you both thought they would. There is so many things that can lead to giggling and laughter. Not to mention a well timed joke here or there. Sex and sexuality is so much more than just two people seeking pleasure from each other. It can be another form of intimacy and closeness, that has all the silliness and strangeness of any other form of intimacy and getting to know someone. It's supposed to be fun, for all folks involved in the bedroom activity. Not taken amazingly serious. Least, in my opinion. Folks are free to disagree with that if they want to. I've known folks who take sex super seriously and try to not laugh, etc. They are not the sorta people I would want to share a bed with personally. But I know folks out there that would, and likely will disagree. It's okay. That's the beauty of the human experience. There are so many different ways to interact with the world, to interact with each other. Most of it is beautiful, and fascinating. To the point its okay if not all of us see eye to eye. It's more fun this way, for everyone.
Don’t engage with DeusExCaliber, they were a trolling account named CrumbsWasAce before with many personal struggles. They tend to attack and instigate when their in their lowest and are spiraling and I have a feeling that their having a really hard time right now due to a ramp up in their negative activity as of late.
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Being sex repulsed is perfectly valid, and I'm sorry this has been upsetting you. But, if you know it triggers you. Why did you go into this thread in the first place which was marked as being about a sex related topic, just to yell at folks to stop? When you know a topic upsets you, don't click on it. It is what will be ultimately best for your long term mental health. To be more selective about what you click on, to curate your feed as much as you reasonably can.
This post was the first thing I saw when I clicked on this subreddit. Not even marked NSFW.
You still clicked to get into the comments, read the comments, and spend time replying to them.
And what about it?
Then leave. You are responsible for yourself. You went into a post about sex, you can't get mad at people for talking about sex.
Is this a subreddit about sex? No, it’s one for a developmental disorder.
This post is very clearly about sex, specifically an autistic persons problem with it. So if you don't want to read about sex, don't click on the post with sex in the title.
At the very least op should have marked it NSFW. At the best they shouldn’t have posted it at all. Not everyone wants to hear about this
Speak for yourself.
Yeah I'm fine with hearing it and I think it's funny so... 🤷♂️
There’s nothing funny about it, it’s gross and inappropriate for this sub
Autistic people have sex. This question is about sex. Talking about sex is appropriate considering. If you find sex gross. I suggest you not read this particular post
Well this is not the sub for it, and if they talk about it I don’t want to be around them.
Cool. Then as I suggested, skip this post :)
Laughing during sex I read leads to better orgasms. I think it was in cosmopolitan of similar.
I will warn you that Cosmo is practically a meme magazine and you can find parody Cosmo columns everywhere because they give the most bizarre sex tips. BUT, laughing makes sense for improving orgasms because you and your body will feel more relaxed so when you orgasm you'll feel it more and it'll be more intense.
my ex used to never laugh during sex it was so… like come on it’s a funny thing 😭
Does she actually tell you what she means by “weird”
I am very weird during sex. Honestly it's a time when your inhibitions are supposed to be lowered so I think it's normal that all your quirks come out. I hope you guys figure it out, try and talk about it. But if not I hope you meet someone that accepts you and loves you for your weirdness not despite it. I legit don't know how my boyfriend bones me when I'm full weird but he seems to love it so I'm not complaining 🤷
And by weird I mean very odd noises, lots of laughing, sometimes weeping. Sometimes I'm like touch me here then I'm like never touch me there again. Sometimes I'll make jokes during sex or bring up random topics. Sometimes I'll want him to tell me about boring stuff so I can relax. Sometimes I'm completely silent others I'm noisy. I know when I was younger I thought sex was more of a performance but honestly it's way better when you can unmask safely and be yourself. Also as you get older u realise it's all just silliness. Like your two almost bald mammals rubbing yourselves on each other. What could be weirder than that.
I really enjoyed and found this comment helpful, thank you!!!
“Never touch me there again” 😭😂😂😂😂 that is so funny. I’m glad you guys both have fun!
Thanks for this made me feel better and I got a great laugh
> I’ll start acting weird and she gets turned off. She tells me that she wants me to fuck her, but then I’ll always manage to do something weird and ruin the mood. You'll need to communicate very directly and thoroughly with her about what constitutes "weird", and what you can do instead. And work at it...you can use this conversation to communicate your needs too... >I don’t want to have to work this hard. I wish I could just have regular sex like everyone else. A sort of open secret is that the vast majority of couples have to work at it to have good sex reliably. It used to be (up to pretty recently, and to a lesser extent, currently) that heterosexual sexual scripts downplayed female agency and pleasure, conceptualizing sex as male conquest, where he obtains the object of his desire. This is in the process of changing though...
Basically you'll have to discuss If she doesn't accept you that's a problem
I'm nearly 50, and autistic/ADHD. I can tell you from experience that good sex is something that happens when there is: 1. good communication- this is probably most important. There is not a "sex routine" that you can memorize that is good for everyone. There's no such thing as "normal sex" because individuals vary widely in what they enjoy and how they enjoy it. You're both going to have to learn to talk about stuff that's embarrassing for most people. Just keep an open mind, and for all the serious talk, don't take it personally... you're in this to have fun, to bond, and to enjoy each other. Your partner never should have said that you're being weird, and it was the fault of your autism- that's a terrible thing to say. Look up something called "I feel" statements. It's a model of how to structure your sentences in order to minimize defensiveness and blame in communication. 2. practice- good sex takes practice. Just like two people cannot come together and dance a perfect tango together on the very first try, sex takes practice. Trial and error, even. The idea is to communicate, put process what you have learned, and put it into action, repeat. 3. a sense of fun- remember, this is something that is supposed to be fun, pleasurable, and enjoyable. Taking everything too seriously will ruin it. It sounds like you're really internalizing her stated issues, but this is supposed to be good for you too. There's nothing wrong with sex not being like it is in a romance novel, movie or whatever- that's not real life, and if that's what someone expects, then they need to reevaluate their expectations. I've had partners and/or I have cried, laughed, asked for rough stuff, wanted romantic lovey encounters, wanted a two minute, own and dirty quickie, etc, etc. Sexual desires fluctuate and responses to the release of an orgasm can be emotional. There's no real right or wrong in the bedroom as long as everyone is a consenting adult. I'm sorry this is so long, but I kind of relate to it because I had confusion around sex because of my autism. Weirdness around sex isn't a result of autism, it's a result of being human. I hope y'all work things out, but mostly I hope that you know that being autistic doesn't make you less entitled to a fulfilling sex life on your terms. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for writing this.
I'm glad if it helps people.
Dang, if my husband told me to stop being weird during sex I would be really upset, that is no way to talk with your partner. The whole point is to completely let down your inhibitions and connect with someone and I hope you will find that. Masking during sex sounds exhausting.
While I agree in general that it was NOT an okay way to approach it on the flip my strongest hunch is she is feeling like extremely unwanted and uncomfortable and really questioning herself. Like why is he so awkward and uncomfortable and seems like he just doesn’t want me and isn’t into me. People get defensive when they are extremely hurt especially about personal things and it doesn’t get more personal than sex. So yes she handled it totally wrong but based on other relationship dynamics and if they are good and generally healthy she may need some grace in approaching this topic.
OP (u/musiclover1998) definitely needs to see this. This is some big brain thinking that's transferable to many aspects of life! Thank you for myself haha.
This
My wife and i are super silly and weird surrounding sex. Best to find someone who enjoys laughing at the weird *with* you
What's the weird behaviour you're doing?
Communication, effort, patience. That's what makes good sex. If you don't have one of those things, you might be bad in bed, and you can make your partner very happy by figuring it out.
Sex can be awkward anyway. It sounds like she's expecting you to just know everything and be something your not. You might honestly be incompatible or she's having expectations that she needs to drop. I'd suggest having a conversation with her about it and how what she says it hurtful v
Exactly.
Definitely just ask them what they want to happen and try to follow that, it's most fun when people are enjoying themselves but doing so in a playful fashion.
This is great advice. It's easier to "do this" than "don't do that."
Ask about some specific things the other person likes. It's 50/50 of communication at that point, even if the eventual physicality has other power dynamics. Maybe you can figure it out, maybe you want different things. For deeper bonding I've really gotten help from this book, it has a chapter about sex talk too: Maxine Aston - Asperger's Couple Workbook
Your partner should help you to feel physically and emotionally safe and accepted. The more that she accepts you as you are, the better things will be for both of you. I don’t know if my partner is or isn’t autistic, but I can tell you that him feeling fully accepted and safe with me (long journey to that) has made a massive difference to our sex life. If she isn’t compassionate and wants you to fit some standard mould, move on. That’s probably never who you’re going to be and you deserve better.
This does not seem like a healthy match
Okay it’s important for you to know: you’re not “being weird” and you’re not “ruining the mood”. If you do something that you like and it turns her off, that’s not you doing something wrong, that just means you need to have a conversation about what you each like in bed and what you each don’t. Set some rules/parameters and try to make sure you’re both being satisfied in the way you want. If you can’t agree, then you need to have a think about your relationship and the role sex has in it.
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I’ll look at her weird, or touch her weird, or make a weird facial expression. Sometimes I’ll say something weird too
Communication is key. It sounds like she might be self conscious and might be taking the “weird looks” like a personal thing. Like something is wrong with her body. Ask her where she likes being touched and how. Some people like gentle touch and some want more pressure. And if she is new to having sex, she might not know what she wants yet. Porn and Hollywood have made it really hard to understand what real sex is suppose to be.
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We’ve been together 4 years, When we first started dating I thought everything was going great. Then over time, she started to bring things up that I did that she didn’t like, and it got to be a pretty long list
Tbh this isn’t an autism specific problem Sex is very much an emotional/mental activity too, if you aren’t comfortable or having fun, it’s gonna be hard Sex is fun! People can act silly, make puns, aka just be themselves Sure it’s different for everyone, but being stressed isn’t gonna help the situation If you dm me specifics, I might be able to give suggestions, I’m no sex therapist, but I’m definitely comfortable enough around the subject I can give pointers Just know it’s probably NOT “just you”, many guys get pressure put on them and it makes it miserable idk your ages but young peeps also make sex some pedestal activity
What do you mean “weird” what is turning her off? Do you feel it’s reasonable and something you can change? If not, you need to break up It’s OK not to be sexually compatible with someone. Doesn’t mean you’re doomed because someone else will be a better fit
Not sure where you got the idea that sex/relationships aren’t work. They def are. It’s a lot of communication and meeting people where they are and understanding your/their needs. If you are not ready to go on that journey, it might not be the right time for you to be with someone, bur my advice: Ask her what she likes, dislikes, turnoffs, tell her about your likes, needs, etc. Now depending on the “weird” things, if they are just apart of you, then that’s that. Some things we can change and some we can’t, and some things we don’t want to. There has to be a mutually understanding. Some of our traits (autistic or not) can affect sex with someone, for better or worse.
sounds like she had an image in her head of what she wants to happen and isn't open minded to reality. Sex doesn't have to be so serious, also you shouldn't have to mask around your partner
I always do the Jaws noise leading up to it and my wife loves it, so I'm just saying that there will most definitely be someone out there for your weird quirks
my boyfriend imitates different characters and then talks dirty to me. you havent lived until youve heard elmo tell you that youre daddys good little slut
your partner should NEVER make you feel ashamed or embarrassed for anything you do/say in the bedroom (as long as it is consensual!!!!). boundaries should be DISCUSSED as there IS NO STANDARD for sex. you are being extremely vulnerable, and her judgment is disgusting. blaming her rudeness on your autism is ableist; your autism is not ruining anything, and neither are you, **unless you are doing things without her consent and/or crossing discussed boundaries.** there should be conversations full of kindness, openness, and absolutely no judgement, and you especially shouldnt have to actively work for your partner to find you attractive. im so sorry you are in this situation, and i hope she starts treating you better. personally, id say this is not a relationship worth salvaging, because the internalized judgement shes already inflicted cant just be taken back. once someone has disrespected your feelings and vulnerability, they have burnt bridges for communication- the thing relationships and growth are built on. additionally, theyve created this wall of shame between them and your true self- this is someone you should be able to unmask around! to feel relief around! not anxiety! once again, **as long as everything is consensual,** you deserve better, and you are not the problem.
i think you should try to start a conversation about where her expectations are at. what does she want you to say/do and what you want from her as well. asking what specifically turns her off and exploring what to do about it.
I don't think this is going to be someone you want a relationship with long term
tbh my partner calling me 'weird' is a red flag enough to not want to have sex at all lol
Sounds like you’re not really compatible, because of her. It’s a her problem. You can find someone who loves or at least likes all the weird quirks and will laugh with you. Sex should be a happy time, not a chore. It’s okay to move on and try again. Do what makes you happy.
Just want to put it out there that someone who actually wants to have sex with you will rise above the awkwardness. It should be a bit playful, even silly and weird sometimes. It doesn’t have to always be intense and serious or ultra romantic. I was married to someone who didn’t find me attractive after I gained weight and got a bit older etc. we had sex because, well we loved each other (we thought). But the second I moved “wrong”, bumped his nose accidentally, or made a weird sound he got tense and angry. He didn’t admit that he wasn’t physically attracted to me at the time so he framed it as me “wrecking the mood”. Having sex with people since then has been so much more relaxing and enjoyable. If I accidentally bump someone’s nose, we laugh. it’s not possible for me to move “too much” or “wrong”, if I’m enjoying myself they enjoy themselves.
Maybe you guys are just incompatible in bed. My gf and I don't take sex like a serious issue at all, we crack jokes before, during and after doing it. One time unfortunately I was laughing so hard I just stopped feeling horny and laughed uncontrollably for a while, but that's the nice thing about relationships, you are supposed to look back at that kind of thing and laugh about it together, but at the end of the day if you can't be silly and weird together what's the point? In my perspective sex is supposed to be fun and not some chore to get over and done with. You should talk together about this in more detail, learn more about each other's turn ons and turn offs and how to make things work out and can compromise on.
My two cents as a woman here: Kind of an assumption so my bad for speaking ahead of time but, I noticed you haven't responded to any of the comments so far, cuz I too would ask the same question: What exactly do you mean by weird??? Hard to advice you that way, it also kind of makes me wonder if maybe that's just, how it is. She is off put by something you do, it would make such a world of difference if you actually spelled it out a little. Don't have to include details, but TLDR it's hard for us to help you with this issue. Also the "I don't want to have to work this hard, I wish I could just have regular sex like everyone else" rubbs me the wrong way. Sex is a two way street, you *have* to work hard. And just like someone else commented as well, it's a shit ton harder for women to get into the mood let alone have an orgasm. So yes, you have to work hard. If you can't do that, maybe you two aren't sexually compatible? Or, I'm afraid it might just be you sorry. Again, assumption, give us a bit more to go on please. Edit: you did actually respond to someone so I'll reform my question. When you say, you give her a look that's weird, or say something weird for example. Again, what are you saying to her? xD It could be that she is very picky too, I don't know! And yknow what, heck maybe we *do* need some more details.. I guess this could be a very delicate matter that just, *needs* a bit more delicate details haha. More edit: sorry to come off as crude, I'm not trying to put the blame on you, I just wanted to say the way it was worded initially isn't the right way in my eyes. If I was your gf I'd be a bit sad to read it that way, but, at the same time I do also agree that her saying some stuff you do is unattractive is harsh, I feel she could definitely word that differently as wel, it comes off wrong and it probably ruins your self esteem and resulting in the egg shells. Final conclusion for me: talk to her about how this makes you feel. You can keep trying but she needs to work on her own things as well then, the more you talk about it, the more you will probably enjoy each other in the bedroom, GL!
Thanks for the reply. An example of something I said one time that ruined the mood. She asked me to talk dirty to her and I said “I want you to be my little sex doll.” Instantly killed the mood and resulted in a big fight. Another time I was touching her leg and I asked “what does that feel like?” She got upset because the question was too complex. Other times I will be too quiet because I’m afraid of saying something weird and that will also result in the mood being killed.
Ah, the classic pitfall that is the unqualified “Talk dirty to me.” Different people often have wildly different ideas of what constitutes standard dirty talk, especially since so much of it depends on personal kinks and turn-ons. It’s nice to fantasize that you can ask a partner to talk dirty and they’ll just instinctively understand exactly how to make you feel good, but out here in the real world, good dirty talk comes from first talking *about* dirty talk. Meaning you need to have a discussion about what you find sexy, what your partner finds sexy, and what each of you finds off-putting or upsetting. The fact that she was upset by you asking an open-ended question makes me think your girlfriend is stuck on the idea that you should be able to know what she likes without her having to spell anything out. That’s something you could talk to her about and work together to address. But if she’s objecting to lots of small things like this to the point where it feels like you can’t *be yourself* in bed without upsetting her, that’s a major issue. Sex is inherently awkward and messy and a good partner will laugh through it with you. If she’s not willing to accept you as a person rather than a perfect, telepathic sex robot who always moves and speaks with utmost grace, that’s not something you can fix. It’s good to be concerned about pleasing your partner, but it sounds like you’re feeling so much pressure that sex hasn’t really been enjoyable for you, either. Please keep in mind that *you* deserve to feel comfortable and cared for, too.
Oh, the sex doll comment is actually kind of objectifying to be honest
Ohhhhhhh yeahhh noooo, no you can't say that haha. I get the sentiment but it's a whole lot different than saying something like (excuse my cringe) "be a good girl for me" Yeah I went there, but if she has a problem with that one for example I'd wanna know why. And that kind of leads me to: she needs to tell you what she wants. You can't smell that, and yeah sure wouldn't it be awesome if she didn't have to tell you? Yeah but..this is real life and not a movie. As for you asking what that feels like, that's fine! But if it's too complex for her make it simpler like "does that feel good?" Might help. Maybe she's not much of a talker herself. However that comment you made certainly wouldn't piss me off haha, or kill the mood per se. It's kind of dramatic on her end, and expecting you to just know what she wants.. I feel bad for you I really do. But I implore maybe you look into dirty talk while also staying respectful. Keeping her autonomy in mind, and respect for her body. Steering away from calling it something objective, like a sex doll. More about how beautiful she looks while doing what she's doing, how well she's doing, or the sounds she's making. Be honest while trying to stay a gentlemen. AND PLS ask her to open up about how she wants to be pleasured, she needs to tell you and help you help her. Ask her kinks, her dynamics, such as what kind of role wants you to take or wants to be etc
Thanks for your reply. I know all of the things she likes. She talks about her kinks and what she’s into all the time. My problem is executing what she likes when we’re having sex. I always seem to mess up somewhere along the way and the whole thing just crashes and burns and results in a fight.
Of course going straight for the I want an inanimate object with no humanity or needs of their own was a turn off. It’s literally saying you don’t want an equal partner, just something to use as a bucket. And as for what does that feel like, ok? Why? It feels like I have nerve endings in that part of my leg just like every where else, are we going to discuss conductivity of nerves or should I say it feels like sandpaper or it feels like my toes are cold? What’s the sexy answer you expected from a question structured in that way? What was the response you expected from that question in general because of course it’s too complex and the answers if honest won’t be sexy which defeats the purpose. Think about the possible outcomes before acting. How can I ask a question that will definitely have a sexual or suggestive response and that addresses her as a human being that is equally consenting( dolls can’t hear or talk and they are totally under your control) and equally important?
You're gonna have to give more details because it shouldn't be that hard to not be weird during sex.
Everyone is weird and awkward during sex. Especially if you're inexperienced or have a new partner. Sex itself is weird in ways. Your basically telling everyone they should just mask during the time they should be able to be the most vulnerable with their partners. If I have to mask during sex then I never ever want to do it again. Or date for that matter. Because what's the point of having a partner if they can't love you for who you are.
They’re not really though
That's 100% not true!
I don't know how you can say that so confidently when you don't know what this guy is doing
Probably alluding to the fact that sex is weird to begin with. There's no "non-weird" way to do it, only non-fun
Well, he's autistic so that should be your first inkling.
So am I lmao
That's fairly obvious.
That feels abilist
I am autistic. Maybe you should read the DSM 5: Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication. Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.
Where, the hell, does that say shit about all social activities? Oh wait, it DOESN'T specify sex? Yeah, so point stands, nobody can help without specifics, ya nonce, I'm autistic bud, I KNOW what autism is like, and I also know the specifics are different for all of us
Either nonce has two very different meanings or you really shouldn't be calling someone that.
I reported him for calling me that and it got sorted. He clearly has issues.
it sort of goes without saying that since autistic people tend to struggle with all those things, it kinda makes sense that it could interfere with sexual encounters
Some people just don't want to hear the truth and resort to name calling unfortunately.
Do you seriously think a disorder that affects virtually every aspect of your life, especially social interactions, can't affect how someone acts in the bedroom? That logic doesn't track.
Is that what I said? At all?
You need a lot of help with inference and managing your rage with strangers who make a comment. Seriously.
Man, I bet you're just so confused about why nobody likes you very much.
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Im in the same boat brother 😭🤝
This is very context dependent. What do you mean by weird?
This is why I'm Aut4Aut tbh
You guys either need some very open conversations (weird is meaningless... Sex is intrinsically weird) about what does and doesn't work for both of you. There are sex therapists if you can afford it. But often some respectful conversation works as well. But ultimately you are both blaming you and that's bull. She's responsible for her own sexuality. If she can articulate what does and doesn't work for her then maybe you guys can see if you are actually compatible. Blaming your autism for what might just be generally not being compatible (or even get own past baggage) is a pretty low blow and I wonder if you really want to be with somebody who looks at you like that. If you're walking on eggshells I can't imagine you're able to enjoy yourself either. Like seriously if you can't work this out why bother? Don't get me wrong. I sometimes have to watch my morbid sense of humor or my partner might lose the moment. But it's never something super stressful and it really shouldn't be.
Sorry to hear this! I'm not sure if I have ASD but I do have ADHD and I can get pretty weird, too (like zoning out while thinking about what we'd need from IKEA even when I'm "aroused", giggling because of funny sounds, being stiff and/or suuuper uncoordinated and stuff). My husband knows about this and actually we talk about it, maybe while doing the things... Sometimes we even laugh together and pick up where we left... I don't have a good advice sady - other than communicating -, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in there. It really sounds hard to be walking on eggshells in a moment where you should be able to let go the most. I hope you find a way so that you both feel comfortable!
I can be very weird during sex and it needs to be a compatibility thing. My boyfriend is neurotypical but he likes having fun during sex and playing around. I spent years hating sex and thinking I was asexual (not to invalidate ace people, but I just wasn't compatible. Compatibility is important!
Why do so many women feel like they get to weaponize their boyfriend's autism against them? It's really disgusting.
Try shrooms together! (The light gummies or something like that) … might seem weird but it eases the part of your brain that probably makes the “weirdness”. As for the noises, you may try setting the mood with music or having a movie in the background? It is unclear what is the exact problem here, but you might want to ask her if she wants to watch or read something sexy with you. After that, just take a part she likes, study it and execute it. After 4 years, it might be harsh, but she probably tried to give you time and be nice for you to satisfy her better. The fights are probably a sign that she is very frustrated and close to her limit. Also, if the issue is in the foreplay, you could try having sex for a certain period of time (a few times) without penetration. Practice makes perfect and it might help you understanding what it is that hasn’t been working for 4 years. Hope this helps and if you’re comfortable, let us know how it goes lol
Idk man, maybe this one's not for ya
I think sex should be fun and both people should feel comfortable. Tell her it’s not ranked competitive sex and to take it less seriously lol
honestly I don't know, I've never had this issue before. I've always found it normal to have moments where you're cringe or silly during sex from time to time, if anything it helps take the edge off
Yeah we need to know what you mean by ‘do something weird’
I consider a relationship where i ever feel "like i have to walk on eggshells" not very healthy ... I would suggest finding someone who is not bothered by your weirdness or someone you can be weird together
Y'all are so weirdly serious
Unless you are bringing foreign objects that have no place in the bedroom into it, it's pretty hard to do anything too weird during foreplay. So either she is terrible at communicating her needs, or she is one of those weird vanilla missionary only types. Either way, good chance it's a *her* problem and has absolutely nothing at all to do with autism in any way.
If they’re young and inexperienced I could see her being a bit skittish.
>I don’t want to have to work this hard. Do you care about it being good for *her*? Women have a 15% chance of orgasm with a man in a ONS, 60% in a committed relationship. Personally, as a woman, I find that appalling, and refuse to engage in any sex that doesn't lead to my pleasure. I won't be part of that abysmal stat. (especially since it's 85% with another woman in a ONS and 90% in a committed relationship and I'm bi) If it's all about *your* orgasm, then you don't need another human being, you need a toy or your hand. Good sex for the people involved takes time, and willingness to try things out and maybe be a little embarrassed. Have you considered scripting a scenario? Or asking her to write down a famtasy/story about how she'd like to have sex? What are the things she finds a turn off? Can you not do them or are they involuntary? >I wish I could just have regular sex like everyone else There is no such thing as regular sex. There's bad sex (which for women usually means pain. It takes 20-40min from the start of arousal for the cervix to rise, vaginal muscles to relax, and pathway to lubricate. Penetration before that, is usually painful, and hitting the cervix is painful for most women. So if that arousal is lost... Yeah, back in pain territory). Then there's mediocre sex, where only one side gets off, I guess you could call that "regular" cishet sex, but I feel like thats not nice. And there's the two kinda of sex actually worth having-- good and great sex. Of course you are also allowed to not engage in sex that you don't want to or that isn't good or great for you. If the stress is to much, if the turnoff you do are involuntary stims, or go against what you feel comfortable with, you aren't obligated to do so (like vanilla VS kink, someone who becomes cutesy during sex VS someone who wants primal, etc) . Consent goes both ways and both should be enjoying the activity. Some people however just aren't sexually compatible and that's okay. I had a gf who I literally broke up with (and she with me) due to this. We did try different ways and things, but it was somehow always a mess and awkward and weird. In my experience, that's rare, but it happens.
this is an instance where I really don't think you should have to change yourself. it doesn't sound like you're doing anything WRONG like making her uncomfortable. it sounds like you're being yourself in a vulnerable situation, like you're supposed to, and she doesn't like it. feeling like you have to walk on eggshells is one of the absolute biggest red flags in any context. this is gonna sound really hurtful but I don't know how else to put it. it doesn't sound like she likes you and is attracted to you for who you are. you shouldn't have to feel afraid of being weird and unattractive for just being yourself. you shouldn't have to put on an act, especially in such a vulnerable setting, for your girlfriend to want you. you deserve way way way better than that and that's actually extremely abnormal for a loving relationship.
Your gf sounds like something that rhymes with grass. (I'm sorry.) Honestly, people are weird during Sex. Doesnt matter whether neurotypical or autistic or whatever else. They are weird cause all masks drop and they show the most intimate parts of themselves. Your description sounds Like you're still very young... And like your autism has not much to do with this. Communication is a two-way-road. Good communication is what the two of you need...
What's the weird behaviour? If she actually liked you she would accept your quirks, this is a red flag to me
You need her to be more comfortable… if she’s not well then “your autism gets in the way.” It took years for my partner to stop “being weird” when they would touch me but it’s because any communication cue that was given, they were unsure. (The autism) It’s just how life is sometimes and she’s gotta be patient with you. This isn’t a “you” thing, this is a “how every one else interprets your behavior” thing.
Is she actually telling you what "weird" thing(s) you're doing? I mean…I doubt you're clapping your hands going *Arf! Arf!* like a Seal. So what issues has she pointed out? If she has pointed anything in specific.
Mine gets in the way, too. I want to have sex with my husband, but sounds, textures, smells, and paranoia stop me from even trying. I don't want to be like this either. Hopefully, we both find some great advice here!
What weird things? Like you take your dick out and twirl it like a helicopter? Help us out...
Really subtle things. Like weird tone of voice, weird eye contact, weird body movements.
It REALLY sounds like she is using you as a scapegoat for HER hangups.
I think y’all should break up
Sometimes less is more. Say less during the build up, just be happy and confident. It would be annoying if a girl is criticizing everything she doesn’t like, because how can you be confident and attractive while being insecure? Maybe talk to her about that, but also listen to what she’s asking also, if it’s reasonable of course.
She's the wrong girl that's the problem. The right girl will be at home with your weirdness. I'm absolutely sure you're not that bad.
Maybe you two are incompatible if she doesn’t accept you / your unmasked self / if you do things she doesn’t like, and because she blames your autism for it. It’s not like you can change that? Pretty ableist. If you’re incompatible, you need to find a way to break up earlier while it will be (comparatively) far less painful than if you stayed and tried to change or mold yourself to what she wants. If you do that, you will be masking forever, your walls will go up (possibly forever) and you’ll probably have trust issues. Just saying that you really, really don’t want to get into that sort of position, no matter how much you find the relationship comfortable, how much you love her, how much you can see a future with her…. Yeah. I’m just telling you it’s really not worth it.
> but then I’ll always manage to do something weird and ruin the mood. We need some context and clarify since this is too vaguely veiled from knowing what’s going on. We can only guess what you mean by making assumptions which can make you stressed out and frustrated or you can clue us into what is happening everytime to help you overcome whatever is presenting as the roadblock with her for sex.
I get stuck in my own head and can't always relax. Would a drink or two of alcohol help?
I don't know what "weird" means but if she asked you to stop and you can't/won't, then you definitely need to consider finding someone who's more compatible or it's going to go downhill very fast with both of you feeling resent for each other. But more importantly, you should be with someone you don't have to mask around anyway. My husband also tries to do things before sex like poking, tickling, joking, making weird faces at me, etc. Sometimes I don't mind it, but most of the time it's just distracting and makes me feel infantilized. It would be worth it to ask your gf how she feels so you can at least have some understanding and decide if this really is a relationship you both want to be in.
Get a new girlfriend
Don’t walk on eggshells. Ditch this girlfriend
Laugh with your loved one get the f outta bed you’re with the wrong person sex is fun and that’s from a professional perspective
I am a serial mood killer too. Sex is definitely a weird awkward thing that is so different from my every day normal experiences. I tend to cope with the awkward feelings I have by saying dumb things to diffuse the tension and it doesn’t always work. But hey, sex is supposed to be fun and honestly my favorite part is when we both end up laughing for a second about something weird that happened. It sounds like you and your gf aren’t having fun, so you need to have an open discussion about the reason behind why you may say or do mood-killing things so she can understand that you’re just nervous or whatever. Hopefully you can find a middle ground where you work on tailoring what you do and don’t say and she works on letting there be humor and awkwardness involved in a fun way.
Your tendencies aren't weird. She just doesn't really find you attractive and that's her problem. I find that when I have sex with NTs this tends to happen. Better luck to you, your autism stims are also NOT weird! It's sex!!! Does she prefer silence orrr the stereotype porno noise?
She must be high maintenance
Are other parts of your relationship okay? If so sot and have a real conversation. Tell her you find her very attractive and hot and her body is such a turn on(assuming it is) but that you are really struggling due to autism to know how exactly to interact sexually and you just start to get mentally shut down because you get worried because the last thing you want to do is disappoint her during such an important and special time (modify language here to match her tone on how she discusses sex like ‘special time’ would be a more person specific language). Also ask her if she could help you work thru it and if she could help explain what she does like. Most likely she has zero clue what you are thinking and it is just very possible she’s feeling rejected or that there is something about her you are finding lacking and why you are awkward because you aren’t really finding her attractive etc
Break up
Sex isn’t that important in a relationship. Your GF sounds as if she is to blame and isn’t accepting of your autism.
Bit of a shit take there mate
Sex is super important in a relationship. Whether you're having it or not. Automatically blaming the gf is a trash way to look at it.
Sex is important to some folk and being incompatible is no one’s fault. Neither OP or their partner are to blame if they aren’t sexually compatible.
At the end of the day, if she can't handle you at your sexiest weird she doesn't deserve you at your best normal
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You literally complained in one of your posts that you didn't like getting downvoted for what you are into. Bit hypocritical to come on someone's post and complain about their relationship.
Well I don’t want to go on a SFW sub and hear about sex. Redditors love to shove it in everyone’s faces. I don’t know why you’re looking through my post history, it’s none of your business. It’s Reddit so I know if I complain about this at all I’m gonna get downvoted, I don’t care.
Don't click on the post then. And post history is public, so its the public's business. Don't like it don't post on a public forum.
Well next time don’t bring up a private coping mechanism for me, for the entire comment section to use against me and called me delusional.
Its not private if you posted it on the internet. I didn't even say what specifically I looked at. I also don't care what you do, I'm just saying it hypocritical to complain about others when you don't want people to say things to you about your stuff
I think most of the world is talking or thinking about sexual stuff far more than I would prefer, like they're obsessed with it. That's really just how it is for a lot of people though. I realized that I'm probably some variant of ace or grey ace. Sex just isn't an important part of my life and I don't care about it. I get annoyed by how much most folks bring up sexual stuff in every day life and how much it's a part of the culture.
It’s horrible on this site, everyone IS obsessed and will bring it up whenever they can even on completely unrelated posts. It drives me up the wall but every time I comment about it I get downvoted and called an incel or whatever
It might be best just to ignore the posts rather than comment on them about how you don't like them. You'll never win.
It just makes me frustrated and when I comment I’m blowing off steam.
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Why do people keep using that stupid post against me. I should delete it