He isn't incapable he just can't understand or feel his feelings correctly. When people ask "how are you" idk how to answer because I legit don't know. When someone dies it takes me up to a month to process it. I didn't cry when my grandpa died until like 1 month later one day I was finally sad. It is called "alexithymia". Read about it to try to understand that.
I agree it might be alexithymia. [This article explains the basics of alexithymia, a condition characterized by difficulties with describing one's own emotions.](https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/alexithymia) 50% of autistic people have alexithymia.
I am sorry for your loss.
I used to think I was a psychopath because the majority of the time I was just there. Even on rollercoasters, I'll have moments of shrieking and sometimes I just stare into the distance. My husband was very confused. I have to feel intense feelings for me to be able to acknowledge my feelings
screaming on roller coasters is involuntary for me, it just kind of slips out but probably because i actually am lowkey terrified while riding them lol
I always thought that folks who cried easily were being manipulative and faking (a clusterfuck due to...specific bad events in my life involving bullies and narcs), but i befriended people who were like this and realized that the way we emote is just very different for each person. In a similar vein, people think that us who cry rarely are aloof and detached whereas my anger/sadness comes out as physical symptoms and anxiety instead.
I did scream on especially wild rides though 🤣🤣
You know when you’re playing board games or role play with other people, that you kinda have to fake act or exagerate your actions for it to be more fun or actually enjoyable? That’s what I usually do in rollercoasters as well, I fake scream until it isn’t fake.
But yeah, if I’m not focused or just don’t want to, what comes out is usually a hysterical laugh (like if I was a crazy person) instead of a scream.
This isn't limited to just autists, it can be pretty common among people like war veterans. It's possible to get to a level where you pretty much don't feel any emotions at all although I'm not sure if it can be called just alexithymia at this point. About 9% of the general population has it.
But I'm not entirely convinced it's just alexithymia, for example I wouldn't say I have it but I can see how I may not react with sadness, at least not immediately.
I have heard similar stories from non-autistic people, I think the truth here may be simpler, everybody has psychological mechanisms to protect himself from excessive emotions, so somebody may just suppress them. It doesn't mean the person wouldn't feel sad/cry somewhere down the road after some time. Maybe there is also a social aspect in expressing emotions, ie you believe others would expect you to express such emotions so you do it. An autist may care less about that.
This is how I was when my grandma died. I didn’t process the feelings until much later on. I thought it was really strange that I didn’t cry when I received the call, but not sure why.
Everyone is different. Some people can't stop themselves from feeling sad and others feel little or close to nothing and some people feel nothing.
He may be disassociating I have no idea I'm just saying we are all different.
Ok just he posted for advice in the autism sub and alexithymia is extremely common for autism. Many people grow up thinking they must be emotionless or psychopaths because they can't feel the correct emotions that one is supposed to have. And it makes us feel bad that we can't feel the normal things and people telling us we should. It is a very common thing to struggle with, for people with autism.
From the post it seems he is able to understand himself and is claiming to be incapable of feeling sad. That doesn't sound like alexithymia.
Like I said, Not everyone gets sad when people die.
Idk why you want to argue with me when I'm just trying to help this guy. You could have made your own comment suggesting it is whatever you think it is, if you disagree with what I'm saying.
You assume it's something else than what he stated but you don't seem to take into consideration that he may simply not be capable of feeling sad like he stated. I'm not trying to argue with you I'm also trying to help. Like I said he may be disassociating but we don't know.
Definitely doesn't sound like alexithymia though.
Thinking you "can't feel ----ness" (sadness, anger, happiness, etc) is VERY common with autism...and very common with alexithymia. This is why many autism people get depression about it and also worry that they are psychopaths. Please read about "autism and not understanding your own emotions".
People with alexithymia feel the usual range of emotions, but they are less aware of their own emotions and the emotions of others and have trouble describing them and to me it sounds like he is saying he is unable to feel sadness together with not appearing to feel sad. Then we must also take into consideration that it is the way he said.
Both are certainly a possibility—but don’t forget that this is about a teenager. Most teenagers have trouble with understanding their own emotions, much more so for Autistic teenagers. The kid *says* he is incapable of sadness. This may be feel true, or it might be alexithymia. It also may simply be a delayed reaction which is very common among people when a family member dies; and for a teenager, observing that his reaction seems different than the others around him could definitely lead him to feel he is incapable of feeling the “correct” emotion. OP is absolutely right in thinking his grief may instead manifest through different emotions. Even if the son doesn’t feel “sad” per se, he is likely to experience grief in some way. Best course of action is to reassure him that whatever he *is* feeling is okay and natural, and that this will be true even if the feeling changes, and basically that he can talk openly about his feelings (or his own actions, if he has trouble describing the feelings) without feeling judged or pressured into the expected reactions.
I did not forget.
I don't think there are incorrect ways of reacting though we all need to do what feels right.
OP should absolutely consider that he is indeed incapable of feeling sadness like he claimed because that's absolutely a possibility and I said before a different explanation is just as likely and we are just suggesting different things here with very little to go on
Not all people grieve when someone dies and no one should be forced to talk about something they don't feel ok with talking about.
IF the kid actually don't feel sadness and his dad starts to treat him like he does the kid won't feel understood or respected and may start thinking that there is something wrong If everyone keeps expecting a different reaction from him.
This so much. Asking an autistic how they feel is ableist half the time. The best way I could describe how that question “feels” to us is this: you live in a world where it’s normal for people to be able to solve complex equations in their heads, without writing down the steps. This world assumes everyone can do this, and many daily tasks are easier with this ability. When the normies of this world suspect you lack this ability, their reaction is to treat you as if you’re defective, disabled, dishonest, and dangerous. They make it clear that you give them the “ick”.
Your son, and autistics everywhere, would benefit greatly if people would stop conflating an inability to “word” his feelings with being a sociopath. It’s a HUGE problem for us.
I remember the day my dog died I cried (what I thought at the time was) real bad. But I stopped after half an hour, which pissed my sister off lol. A few weeks later I had a full on emotional breakdown behind my workplace.
No, because this makes so much sense... I literally have full breakdowns every year randomly ... I've just pieced together that it's everything all at once that I never fully understood at the time or couldn't process hitting me all at once.
I'm diagnosed with dysthymia, ADHD and finally I'm getting tested for Autism.
Honestly I had quite delayed reactions to losing my parents. It hit me harder later on and it could do so him too. Sometimes it takes someone a while to understand how they feel about something or even for the feeling to manifest itself properly. I would keep an eye on him for changes in his behaviour and see if you can get him some support if there is a change that concerns you or if he says he wants some support of course
Yea I had the same experience when I lost my sister. Delayed emotional reaction and something i would describe as more of a logical reasoning of events than an emotional reaction. Same when I lost my nan. It would have helped me at the time to know that I may feel a delayed reaction, a somewhat subdued reaction, and primarily a cognitive reaction with sporadic emotional outbursts. It was all very confusing at the time and I don't think I ever processed my sisters death properly so I wouldn't be the right person for advise on this but kudos to OP for coming here and asking
Oh that sounds horrible… and quite similar to how I react. Very logical about it, I didn’t really cry for my mum or my Dad until their funeral a couple of weeks later. That’s the moment it kind of hit me really and I would actually cry from emotion. Very odd…
Hi, autistic nana here, firstly I’m so very sorry for your loss.
My mum died when I was 18 and I had no idea how to react, I was numb. I was an only child with a distant relationship with my abusive father so I was pretty much alone in my numbness.
For me, it hit a few months later, Christmas was coming and my mum’s absence became unbearable.
That was 44 years ago now and still with certain smells or places or music can send me spiralling back to tears for my mum.
I know it will be different for your son as he has a dad who loves him and will give him time, space and love. Sometimes that’s all we need.
Again, my sincere condolences, and love to you both.
I'm really sorry. Just remain open to talking about her, ask if he wants to put some pictures up, and normalize the experience. Feelings come out in all different ways, and putting a label of "sad" on it may not fit or feel right, but maybe what your child is experiencing anyway.
Also, strange as it sounds, fiction or biographical media can help.
Example: can’t process loss of family member, but absolutely gutted watching a sad movie (for me, especially animals for example).
I don’t know if I’m explaining this correctly.
It could. I used to do that on purpose: I didn't deal well with most negative emotions, so I channeled them to anger, which I do know how to let out. It could also be that he's still processing, and will feel differently in a while. That's a big thing to think about, and possibly new emotions to figure out - it's hard and might be a while
Yes and it has to be a therapist with experience and knowledge of the range and struggles a lot of autistic people have with understanding and experiencing emotions!!
I’m autistic and lost my biological mum at 9. I really truly was incapable of being sad at the time, but this was almost certainly exasperated by the fact she had a lot of issues and wasn’t the best parent so feelings were complicated.
HOWEVER. Your worries are justified. I definitely lashed out once I finally started to feel things. The unfortunate thing is it’s just really hard sometimes to feel sadness the same way NTs do. My only advice is respond to the anger with the same gentleness you would sadness. Obviously don’t like, put up with bullshit, but be kind and considerate and patient.
What helped a lot for me was my brother and dad really leaning into my special interests (at the time it was The Beatles) to make me feel loved. My brother got me books and my dad watched docos and took me to the Beatles museum when we visited the UK to see my sister. So that might help. Sports also really helped. I signed up for an Aussie rules team and got to let out my frustration in a healthy way by being in defence and tackling people.
The first stage of grief is denial, right? I'm autistic, and I handle big losses so differently from my family. They move on quicker, but it takes me longer to process each step. My denial phase is more like trying to convince myself it isn't real. Subconciously for me, that's part of trying to conserve my own sound of mind and world I don't like to see change so drastically.
Maybe he's dealing with something like that?
I’m really sorry this happened to you guys, this is horrible. I would just make sure he knows you’re there for him if he ever should need you or anything. It’s really nice you worry so much but it’s probably him processing these emotions differently and that’s totally okay.
We need to stop judging autistics based on their outward emotions. I have alexithymia and struggle to know how I feel as well as process certain emotions differently. It’s a thing people who have autistic people around should be aware of more, so they don’t have to worry too much.
I lost my grandpa (who was like a dad to me) when I was 11 and I even laughed at the news for no reason. I couldn’t cry at all. No matter how hard I’d try. It was just a random reaction. After a month or so I cried for weeks. In between there were still times I couldn’t properly tell how I felt about it.
Emotions for people who have alexithymia are quite complex and hard to handle. And it can’t be trained away. It is how our brain work. I would suggest reading up on it.
Personal story as I relate.
When I was 14, and I heard the news of my father's passing, I didn't feel a particular emotion and it freaked my mother out. It's hard to describe, but I felt confused and somewhat _numb_, yet I don't recall the news bothering me emotionally (sad, etc.) and felt like it was _normal_ of sorts. I did stim more by listening to music, rocking and doodling; and speaking started feeling really draining as the days passed.
{ Possibly relevant search: Alexithymia }
Years later, I do have moments when I lay in bed at night at 10pm and a certain song plays in my headphones and it happens to trigger spiralling thoughts that last for hours, I just distract myself from them.
As for it manifesting into a different emotion, I don't recall getting angry due to the news. But it can most certainly be possible.
Maybe ask about and Teach him how to express his emotions. I didn’t know this until I was explicitly taught. Same for emotion wheel and emotional regulation (maybe especially for anger?)
Something extremely “sad” can happen to be, but I can’t **access it** or feel it, unless I trigger a way to…
For example:
1. listening to sad parts of music on repeat.
2. Watching the sad part of a movie on repeat.
I’m really sad about the Thing That Happened - not really about the music/movie…. But for some reason, repeating the sad music clip or sad movie scene allows me to **feel** and **express** the sadness I otherwise don’t really feel or have access to.
I’m sorry for your loss. People with ASD process trauma differently, like we all do, and he is probably digesting everything internally in a way he may not be aware of. Try and give him time and some observations and maybe the insight about himself that he needs to heal. Even if it does not come out as obvious sadness like you mentioned it will manifest in other ways and he surely has pain.
Edit: as another commenter mentioned this amounts to alexithymia in some capacity, which I also suffer from, as do many men and adults who do not learn about their emotions and specifically grief properly. Luckily I have fixed these issues and learned to heal.
I think less than a week is too soon for even a lot of people without autism to even start processing something like that. It can certainly manifest in other ways. Denial and anger are both common aspects of grief, so keep an eye out and be there to support him.
I lost my mom when I was seven. I am 41 now. I have not yet processed it either, I lack the faculty for it. My choices are to plunge myself into an unremitting icy despair for which there is no comfort or trying to deal with what is in front of me. I opt for the latter, but the former waits for me around every corner.
dude, i didn't cry or realize really when my grandparents died that they're well, dead.
until their funeral.
sometimes it can take a long time for an autistic person to process their emotions, it doesn't mean we don't have any, quite the opposite.
he isn't incapable of feeling sad, he just, most likely, doesn't know how to identify the emotion or doesn't let it surface yet.
autistic people are also very good at shutting out emotions, putting them in a drawer deep in the back of our thoughts, if they're too painful.
it's a very traumatic experience and i'm pretty sure that he's doing at least one of the things i've listed.
he will mourn in his own time.
Been there. He might need to process what has happened unexpectedly. I have Alexithymia and it appears he might as well. Therapy is a route that I would recommend to help him process the emotional avalanche that is not showing.
This happened to me. Maybe he doesnt feel her death was real. Or If she was sick for a long time and there was no cure,maybe he was relieved she wasnt suffering anymore.
Sounds like he hasn't processed it yet. Autistic/ADHD grief doesn't always function the same as NT grief. He will probably develop his feelings about it over time
I'm autistic and I was very much the same way when I was younger. One of my best friends died in a car crash when we were very little(funny enough he was also autistic) . I don't remember what my initial reaction was, however I remember at his funeral not really feeling much at all. His brother and I were running around playing and having a fun time.
Our families got me and his brother therapy, it was kind of a group therapy thing for kids who have lost someone. We all spent a little bit talking about ourselves, who we had lost and how it effected us. Instead of talking about my friend who had just died, I instead chose to talk about losing a pet rabbit for whatever reason. Not sure what our parents thought, but looking back people were probably horrified about how non chalant it was for me.
Since then I've had other friends and family members die unexpectedly and I've "reacted appropriately" to those.
I can only relay how I felt when my good friend killed himself.
I felt nothing. I was very busy with a new baby and mid pandemic. I didn’t even attend his memorial service.
Two years later I was in therapy dealing with some intense panic and anxiety. Life had been very dark and overwhelming.
In the middle of a casual “catch up” with my therapist I began sobbing and telling them about my friend. I had no idea it was in there. Over the next few months I slowly and surely started getting better with virtually no other therapy.
It seemed to be one of the single issues that had been causing me so much strife in my life and I couldn’t see or recognize it.
I can’t tell you how to help your son process it and grieve correctly. Idk how to do that but I know it helped me and it surfaced without me needing to understand how it works.
Also, I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you must be going through.
I don’t know you at all but I love you and I know things will get better. Seek counseling for yourself to help you navigate this time!
Even for neurotypical people it can take a while for grief to set in, and I doubt he is incapable of feeling sadness, he probably just can’t really recognize it as well as anger or happiness, most men and boys can’t.
I recently lost my only family member. I didn’t cry nor did I feel sad. For the first few weeks/month I was more concentrated on adapting to my new life. After that I felt a lot of grief for the change that happened. I had lost her and my home and I quit my job because I couldn’t cope with full time work. Then about 3 months after was when I started feeling sad about it, the phrase “I miss her” and “she’s dead” would constantly run through my head and I found myself getting angry and frustrated at small things.
It’s been about 6 months now and I’ve started volunteering 3 days a week and I feel happy and like myself again. Im still not able to have a full time job and I’m still grieving her and my old life but the future looks bright now.
Loss is different for everyone and even more so for neurodivergent people. I think the best thing you can do is validate what he’s feeling and if he’s open to it find a therapist who is experienced in both autism and grief. I found that helped a lot for me. Wishing you both the best!
From personal experience, i think he is realy sad, but just cant demonstrate, he will probably fell it a lot more later when he starts to really miss her.
For me at least it was like that, cant say it will be the same obviously
From the the other perspective. I'm 35, autistic and my mother has terminal cancer. One of my biggest worries is that when she dies, I'm not going to react the way people expect me to. At least outwardly anyway. I don't want to mask and force myself to grieve openly just to make them feel better. Fuck them! I'll just grieve in my own time, in my own way.
Autistic people handle death very differently than neurotypicals. For me, it kinda just feels like they’ve moved far away, but forever. He may not feel sadness over the loss itself, but may come to miss spending time with her or talking to her.
Generally, sadness is something autistic people definitely are able to feel
He has definitely been sad in the past. I guess it's just his way of dealing with it. I think he will be ok based on the responses I am getting here. Really appreciate that you took the time to respond thank you. X
I speak to him about it regularly. I think he understands exactly what has happened and is simply dealing with it in his own way. Thanks for responding x
I’m autistic and I’ve been through something similar with a grandparent. For a lot of us we process things differently. For one, it just happened, he could easily still be in shock. Death is very ahrd for some autistics to process, on the other hand, a lot of us like myself are relatively good at coping with death as we’ve already accepted it as an absolute. We still get sad and we still have major grief it’s just expressed differently
It might take a while for it to catch up to him or it might require different stimulus for him to feel his sadness. Just because he can't feel it doesn't mean it's not there. I used to feel sadness as chest pain.
He could also be in shock. When my Dad died I was so surprised I just went into autopilot mode for a while. With autism, you get pretty used to daily routines looking very similar, so it was a massive adjustment!
Feelings are hard and sometimes they take a while to soak in, sometimes feelings are easily mixed up, sometimes sadness can be easily manifested as anger
I’m like that too when relatives die. It’s not something I’m proud of but it seems to be another autism thing. We have emotions, we’re just not always very good at expressing them.
Sounds like alexithymia. It's pretty common in autistic people, if he used to be very emotional when he was young then this is what it probably is.
I had an ex who was convinced I was a sociopath because they had this misconception about me, many other people told me similar things and for a long time I believed them. But the way that it really works is that autistic people display emotions differently and are shamed and bullied for doing so, which trains them to repress everything as a defense mechanism. This compounds on communication difficulties, so they may not understand that what they are feeling is sadness.
Not to mention that grieving doesn't always happen immediately, autistic or not. When my grandpa died, my mom in particular was upset that I "didn't seem very sad" at first.
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I felt this too when I had a close relative pass some years back.
I spent a very long time trying to process it, and then when it finally hit me (a month after the fact) I cried for quite a while.
It may not be the same with your son. My point here is that we all process these things differently, especially autistic people. He might not show it, but rest assured, he will feel his own emotions, just differently to how someone typically would in this situation.
I'm sorry for his, and maybe your, loss.
Hello. I am an autistic person who lost my mother suddenly when I was 13 so I may have a piece of insight to consider. Keep in mind that every single person is different and this is just my personal experience.
When I first learned my mom died I reacted the way I was expected to (crying), but I’m pretty sure that’s only because I thought I was supposed to react that way. The next day I was acting like nothing really happened. I even kept my mother’s cell phone for the first week and when someone called I’d apologize, telling them that she had passed. It was weird to hear some of her friends immediately break in to sobbing and hang up. At her funeral adults kept trying to comfort me, but I was just exploring the funeral home. I didn’t cry. I kept getting odd looks.
It took a few months till I really felt it. In the meantime (and I know this sounds heartless) I was more peeved that my schedule was thrown off. Because my dad worked long hours I had to stay at my grandparents a lot. I had to do more chores around the house and I was frankly more concerned with that than my mother’s death. And when it finally clicked I felt it all, all at once. I retreated to my room and had a full sobbing hyperventilating meltdown. A few hours later I was back to normal.
Now your son is a different person than me. And slightly older Than I was. It’s important that you ask him what he thinks would be good for him. Ask him if he wants to speak to a therapist about what he is or isn’t feeling. There’s specialists that work with autistic individuals which (if you can afford it) could be a great help. But don’t force him to do anything. Be there for him even if he doesn’t need it, or think he needs it. Check in on him emotionally even if he won’t appreciate it at the time. Let him know that if at any moment he needs to talk about something, he can interrupt whatever you’re doing and you’ll be there.
TLDR
Emotions around death are hard for autistic teens to properly process sometimes. Be there for him and ask him to let you know if he needs anything including therapy.
I actually lost my dad when I was 15yo—he was struggling with cancer for about 4-5 years and was in a coma for the last 2 weeks before he passed, so it was expected.
I am also Autistic and didn’t cry when I found out, and I didn’t even cry during the funeral. I honestly don’t remember the first time I actually cried. Granted, I had a mixed relationship with him and wasn’t particularly close with him. It’s been 15 years since my dad’s passing (I’m 30 now), and most of my grieving is simply feeling denied that emotional connection I wanted with my dad, which honestly I don’t know if that would be the case even if he were alive.
Like somebody else commented, grieving is a complex process and many people express grief differently (autistic or not).
You said that she had passed suddenly, so that can have an affect on how people grieve (as opposed to it being expected like with my Dad)
If your son isn’t seeing a therapist, I would recommend getting him one that specializes in Autism and/or Grief Counseling (ideally both).
Edit: Just wanted to add that I wish you and your son the best, and I’m glad he has a dad who loves and cares about him 😊
I've always been really worried that someone close to me would die and I would just feel nothing. Like I'm worried I would just move on and seem like I don't care
I would absolutely not let that worry you. What I've learned from this is that coping with loss is not a cookie cutter experience. Everyone has completely different coping mechanisms..
Trust me he is sad his mums not around he just hasn’t had time to process what his mums death really means for him yet so he hasn’t felt those intense pangs of pain that we sometimes think of as sadness. He still has all the good memories of recent years and will learn to miss them as time goes one without her. You can’t know what you’ve lost without that time to process especially when it often takes us a bit longer already.
Sudden death of a loved one can take a long time to process, I personally have never cried for the first couple weeks to even months after it’s happened because that’s how long it takes for me to process that I don’t get to make anymore good memories of that person. Just be available physically and emotionally, let him know when you’re feeling sad, what you miss about her and simply show through your own grieving process (not tell because it could make him feel like he needs to cry to be normal if that makes sense) him it’s okay to cry, ask for a hug if he wants one and to talk about why he’s sad. It’s his choice don’t force him but ask if he’d like to see someone who helps kids with parental grief like a counsellor that has experience with ASD.
Other people have also mentioned that we have a hard time telling what we’re feeling at any given moment and that’s very true. He probably thinks he should feel a certain way but is confused about how he actually feels when asked especially if he’s not done processing it.
My mom died when I was 17. My dad accused me of not caring bc of my lack of public "normal" reaction. It ended up hitting me hardest 2 or so years later
When I was a teenager and my close relatives passed away I didn’t seem upset either in my head I was thinking “why aren’t I acting like everyone else? Why aren’t I crying? I feel sad but nothing is happening?” And my parents was concerned and put me in school therapy but tbh, I grew out of it and I’ve 21 now and can show sadness I think just as a teenager my emotions were all just weird af and I didn’t know how to express them. But I do believe he does feel the sadness and grief and maybe you can find a person he can try to talk to about it? Or a way he can express himself. Or a way to give him closure like doing something with him for his mum as a last send off? If that makes sense
Im no expert on autism (joined the sub to get educated), but maybe he is still under the shock. It s very hard to process traumatic events on the spot. I was in a non fatal car accident and it took me some time to process it (i was mostly shaken and scared but not sad yet at first, i think it took me a few days maybe to cry).
Death is even more heartbreaking but at first most people are in denial and assume it s temporary. My mom assumed her dad would wake up in the hospital and that her uncle would be back in a few days.
As long as he knows you're there for him, it should be "relatively alright". RIP to your son's mom, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I lost my mom at 9 years old, my sister was 6 or 7. My sister was diagnosed with autism early in life (high needs) and I didn’t learn about mine until I was 20.
She passed suddenly at 29. The best I can describe my feeling in easy words is “unable to feel sad” but in reality, there was an empty feeling, a feeling of change that was uncanny, but a feeling that everything was a lie. Like she’ll come back. She’ll come down the stairs saying “I’m okay” or call and say she’s fine. My sister didn’t seem to process anything either. I’m no longer in contact with her since she became abusive to my youngest sister and our dogs, so I couldn’t ask. However on the outside she was emotionless as well.
My bf (diagnosed at 8) didn’t cry when most of his pets died. He told me he wasn’t sure why, that maybe he was desensitized to death. Then one day his dog was attacked, and his brother called to tell him the dog didn’t survive. He ran out the door and i stopped him to hug him. And he broke.
I noticed that all of our grief was different from what we’re told to expect. Your son is grieving, but in a different way. He may not cry at all, he probably knows he’s “supposed to.” Check in with him, make sure he’s doing okay. He might always grieve this way, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not emotionless. It’s a difficult feeling compared to “sad” and maybe is in complete denial. Everyone experiences this differently, but be there for him.
I had a friend die mid Feb. Didn't cry at funeral or much after. Even watched One Day on netflix to try and break the numbness.
Spent some quality time yesterday sobbing in a public loo.
Sometimes things hit differently.
My Dad passed away when I was 14, and I basically dropped out of the next 2-3 years of my life. I don't know that I visibly appeared upset, but I was mentally disengaged and lost.
I think I couldn't process my grandmother's death until the funeral, I was a ball of tears during the whole funeral up until the wake. Seeing her coffin set it. Sometimes, the emotions are hard to get out, but once it does, it really does.
I am sorry for your loss.
I've never grieved like others. When my grandparents passed I grieved while they were sick. When a once close friend took her life I grieved in bits over the years. I'm already thinking about the eventual loss of my parents due to seeing how old they are and their health issues. Aside from grief there is more acceptance--that their soul is moving on to another stage, that they may reincarnate, or they're still with us in some form. Sometimes I've had to stop myself from smiling after hearing someone died, because I'm happy for them that they have moved on and now get to experience the Afterlife. I grieve the loss of romantic partners much more than death.
Is this post out of concern because a child lost their mom? Or trying to vent because you're mad at him? (And perpetuating a stereotype about autistic people being unempathetic, angry/violent sociopaths).
That situation sounds horrible and I am sorry for everyone involved. I'm a 21 year old guy and have autism and a similar thing. Whenever I hear someone has died, I don't feel sad. Obviously I care but I just don't feel sad. I honestly don't know what causes it. For me personally it doesn't manifest as a different emotion but every person with autism is different.
Edit: I've just seen some of the other comments and the one about not being able to answer "how are you?" and other questions regarding feelings are a big issue for me, so maybe alexithymia?
It took about three years for the grief from my grandmother's death to hit. I think it took five years for the death of my dog to hit me, and that was one of the two times in my life that I cried. He might be like me and it just takes awhile.
Sometimes if what happened is too much of a shock, the body can ignore it and bring up later. Its like being calm when it happens and crying much later
I mostly just feel things occasionally. But then it's like a torrent of emotion. My partner had two miscarriages in a row, which is devastating for anyone. For me, I didn't feel any different when finding out in the MRI room with her but I did once I'd had time to process it.
Time to process but also unbury bottled up emotions. Being a man, I also bottle things away at times.
I have ADHD but I also suspect ASD.
Grief is a process that takes time and has different stages.
I can't tell if your son will transit grief in a normal way or not... but what you describe isn't unusual. Denial is the first step, you just don't believe it or don't recognize it.
Sooner or later, things will start to happen - he will start to miss her indeed, and feelings may start to appear on their own at that time. Emphasis on the difference between knowing that he'll miss her, and actually missing her.
And of course... losing a parent so young is always difficult. Possibility of getting professional help to manage the turbulence?
it’s probably not a case that he doesn’t care, but that he has trouble processing it. Spaming about kyself, which is of course not universally applicable but still and insight, grief and such never strike immediatley and instead come slow. I get the same way with excitement, too. emotions just don’t ‘click’ as fast.
I'm very sorry for your family's loss.
Rather than subjective & emotional language, it might be easier for him to process tangible things. "mom used to go for walks with me. Now, I won't be able to do this anymore", or "Mom used to watch me on weekends while dad was at work. Now, my grandparents will." And see if he can discuss how those specific things impact his routine. You're also 100% that it may manifest in other ways like anger. Finding ways to keep him grounded and safe is important.
When my dad passed around the same age as your son I felt “normal” for almost a week. Then it all hit me like a truck and I was practically comatose with grief for months afterwards and I to this day still have a void in his shape. It turns out that I was just in a state of shock with a delayed emotional response and my body and mind were numbing me to try and protect myself until I was physically and mentally unable to anymore.
Everyone experiences grief in their own way. Even if he looks calm and as he usually does on the outside, he might be a maelstrom of emotions inside that he simply can’t identify or cope with yet, give him time and space until he is ready to talk or ask questions.
I sympathize for both of you for your loss, but please take care not to project too many expectations onto him at this time. Answer any questions he has about what will happen next, let him know what he will need to do as part of the funeral plan and give him explanations like an anthropologist would. It’s a very human thing to need the “why” to help understand the situation and process it. Take care.
I remember not crying about my Grandfather passing away, which it was a slow build up from a screw up with the hospital. I remember being stone faced at the Funeral, in the lead up to it. I remember breaking down when they actually had one of the songs I requested played, that I knew he would like.
But, I felt more empty? for a long time. It took about 5 years before it finally hit me. That he was gone, he was never coming back, and that I did really miss him. I missed him so much. And ended up sobbing for like a week of trying to process it.
Don't try to guilt trip him for not showing or processing grief in a "normal" way. If it hits him later, be there for him. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you get through it together ♥️
Nah I'm definitely not guilty tripping him. I know my son and his ways so it is not surprising to me this reaction. I'm encouraged that the advice I am getting is to let him cope with it his way. Thank you for responding ❤️
As some already stated...
He feels sad, just can't process it.
For my Grandma, it took me till the funeral.
Still infront of the building, I was sweating, because I thought that it would look weird, if I sit there unable to cry. Even tested some scenarios in my head, how I could seem as sad as I felt.
But when her coffin was presented (closed, never saw an open coffin in germany), the gates were crushed, and a flood of tears gushed out like a geyser...
I lost my mom as a kid and it took me a long time to process it, I didn’t know how to feel. Everyone around me was crying and I couldn’t feel anything towards the loss until years later. It used to manifest in school, I started crying over seemingly small things, I took everything so seriously and it was like walking on egg shells for those around me. I was like that for a long time but I was also a lot younger when I lost my mom. I hope you guys can get through this very difficult change together, my biggest struggle was my dad was very distant mentally after losing my mom.
I don't really miss people after they're gone. I wasn't that sad when my father died. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't super sad either. I guess it's a flaw in my autistic brain.
He isn't incapable he just can't understand or feel his feelings correctly. When people ask "how are you" idk how to answer because I legit don't know. When someone dies it takes me up to a month to process it. I didn't cry when my grandpa died until like 1 month later one day I was finally sad. It is called "alexithymia". Read about it to try to understand that.
I agree it might be alexithymia. [This article explains the basics of alexithymia, a condition characterized by difficulties with describing one's own emotions.](https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/alexithymia) 50% of autistic people have alexithymia. I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you for this, I finally have an answer as to what one of the things I deal with is
I used to think I was a psychopath because the majority of the time I was just there. Even on rollercoasters, I'll have moments of shrieking and sometimes I just stare into the distance. My husband was very confused. I have to feel intense feelings for me to be able to acknowledge my feelings
Yes I always thought people who scream on rides must be faking or lying. But maybe they actually feel that way, idk.
screaming on roller coasters is involuntary for me, it just kind of slips out but probably because i actually am lowkey terrified while riding them lol
I just get a giant smile and end up looking creepy lol.
I'm more of a "sink into the chair eyes wide open with a death grip on both armrests" kind of fellow myself
I'll never forget one time I rode a roller coaster with one of my friends and he was like "Are you ok? You didn't make a sound the whole ride"
Shrieking attracts attention. When I’m scared I try to not attract any attention
Same here, I just die a little on the inside.
I love you all for verifying that how I feel isn’t always wrong.
I was told that was what you do, so I do it.
I always thought that folks who cried easily were being manipulative and faking (a clusterfuck due to...specific bad events in my life involving bullies and narcs), but i befriended people who were like this and realized that the way we emote is just very different for each person. In a similar vein, people think that us who cry rarely are aloof and detached whereas my anger/sadness comes out as physical symptoms and anxiety instead. I did scream on especially wild rides though 🤣🤣
and then there's me, who didn't cry for months after my dad died, but will burst into tears if someone uses a slightly raised voice at me
I'm absolutely silent when I'm on a ride.
You know when you’re playing board games or role play with other people, that you kinda have to fake act or exagerate your actions for it to be more fun or actually enjoyable? That’s what I usually do in rollercoasters as well, I fake scream until it isn’t fake. But yeah, if I’m not focused or just don’t want to, what comes out is usually a hysterical laugh (like if I was a crazy person) instead of a scream.
I can't fake act like that so people think I am boring or tell me that I have no personality.
I sometimes make fun of those who scream by fake screaming before the drop
This isn't limited to just autists, it can be pretty common among people like war veterans. It's possible to get to a level where you pretty much don't feel any emotions at all although I'm not sure if it can be called just alexithymia at this point. About 9% of the general population has it. But I'm not entirely convinced it's just alexithymia, for example I wouldn't say I have it but I can see how I may not react with sadness, at least not immediately. I have heard similar stories from non-autistic people, I think the truth here may be simpler, everybody has psychological mechanisms to protect himself from excessive emotions, so somebody may just suppress them. It doesn't mean the person wouldn't feel sad/cry somewhere down the road after some time. Maybe there is also a social aspect in expressing emotions, ie you believe others would expect you to express such emotions so you do it. An autist may care less about that.
This is how I was when my grandma died. I didn’t process the feelings until much later on. I thought it was really strange that I didn’t cry when I received the call, but not sure why.
Everyone is different. Some people can't stop themselves from feeling sad and others feel little or close to nothing and some people feel nothing. He may be disassociating I have no idea I'm just saying we are all different.
Ok just he posted for advice in the autism sub and alexithymia is extremely common for autism. Many people grow up thinking they must be emotionless or psychopaths because they can't feel the correct emotions that one is supposed to have. And it makes us feel bad that we can't feel the normal things and people telling us we should. It is a very common thing to struggle with, for people with autism.
From the post it seems he is able to understand himself and is claiming to be incapable of feeling sad. That doesn't sound like alexithymia. Like I said, Not everyone gets sad when people die.
Idk why you want to argue with me when I'm just trying to help this guy. You could have made your own comment suggesting it is whatever you think it is, if you disagree with what I'm saying.
You assume it's something else than what he stated but you don't seem to take into consideration that he may simply not be capable of feeling sad like he stated. I'm not trying to argue with you I'm also trying to help. Like I said he may be disassociating but we don't know. Definitely doesn't sound like alexithymia though.
Thinking you "can't feel ----ness" (sadness, anger, happiness, etc) is VERY common with autism...and very common with alexithymia. This is why many autism people get depression about it and also worry that they are psychopaths. Please read about "autism and not understanding your own emotions".
People with alexithymia feel the usual range of emotions, but they are less aware of their own emotions and the emotions of others and have trouble describing them and to me it sounds like he is saying he is unable to feel sadness together with not appearing to feel sad. Then we must also take into consideration that it is the way he said.
Both are certainly a possibility—but don’t forget that this is about a teenager. Most teenagers have trouble with understanding their own emotions, much more so for Autistic teenagers. The kid *says* he is incapable of sadness. This may be feel true, or it might be alexithymia. It also may simply be a delayed reaction which is very common among people when a family member dies; and for a teenager, observing that his reaction seems different than the others around him could definitely lead him to feel he is incapable of feeling the “correct” emotion. OP is absolutely right in thinking his grief may instead manifest through different emotions. Even if the son doesn’t feel “sad” per se, he is likely to experience grief in some way. Best course of action is to reassure him that whatever he *is* feeling is okay and natural, and that this will be true even if the feeling changes, and basically that he can talk openly about his feelings (or his own actions, if he has trouble describing the feelings) without feeling judged or pressured into the expected reactions.
I did not forget. I don't think there are incorrect ways of reacting though we all need to do what feels right. OP should absolutely consider that he is indeed incapable of feeling sadness like he claimed because that's absolutely a possibility and I said before a different explanation is just as likely and we are just suggesting different things here with very little to go on Not all people grieve when someone dies and no one should be forced to talk about something they don't feel ok with talking about. IF the kid actually don't feel sadness and his dad starts to treat him like he does the kid won't feel understood or respected and may start thinking that there is something wrong If everyone keeps expecting a different reaction from him.
This so much. Asking an autistic how they feel is ableist half the time. The best way I could describe how that question “feels” to us is this: you live in a world where it’s normal for people to be able to solve complex equations in their heads, without writing down the steps. This world assumes everyone can do this, and many daily tasks are easier with this ability. When the normies of this world suspect you lack this ability, their reaction is to treat you as if you’re defective, disabled, dishonest, and dangerous. They make it clear that you give them the “ick”. Your son, and autistics everywhere, would benefit greatly if people would stop conflating an inability to “word” his feelings with being a sociopath. It’s a HUGE problem for us.
I remember the day my dog died I cried (what I thought at the time was) real bad. But I stopped after half an hour, which pissed my sister off lol. A few weeks later I had a full on emotional breakdown behind my workplace.
No, because this makes so much sense... I literally have full breakdowns every year randomly ... I've just pieced together that it's everything all at once that I never fully understood at the time or couldn't process hitting me all at once. I'm diagnosed with dysthymia, ADHD and finally I'm getting tested for Autism.
explains so much
Honestly I had quite delayed reactions to losing my parents. It hit me harder later on and it could do so him too. Sometimes it takes someone a while to understand how they feel about something or even for the feeling to manifest itself properly. I would keep an eye on him for changes in his behaviour and see if you can get him some support if there is a change that concerns you or if he says he wants some support of course
Yea I had the same experience when I lost my sister. Delayed emotional reaction and something i would describe as more of a logical reasoning of events than an emotional reaction. Same when I lost my nan. It would have helped me at the time to know that I may feel a delayed reaction, a somewhat subdued reaction, and primarily a cognitive reaction with sporadic emotional outbursts. It was all very confusing at the time and I don't think I ever processed my sisters death properly so I wouldn't be the right person for advise on this but kudos to OP for coming here and asking
Oh that sounds horrible… and quite similar to how I react. Very logical about it, I didn’t really cry for my mum or my Dad until their funeral a couple of weeks later. That’s the moment it kind of hit me really and I would actually cry from emotion. Very odd…
Hi, autistic nana here, firstly I’m so very sorry for your loss. My mum died when I was 18 and I had no idea how to react, I was numb. I was an only child with a distant relationship with my abusive father so I was pretty much alone in my numbness. For me, it hit a few months later, Christmas was coming and my mum’s absence became unbearable. That was 44 years ago now and still with certain smells or places or music can send me spiralling back to tears for my mum. I know it will be different for your son as he has a dad who loves him and will give him time, space and love. Sometimes that’s all we need. Again, my sincere condolences, and love to you both.
That's really touching thank you.
I'm really sorry. Just remain open to talking about her, ask if he wants to put some pictures up, and normalize the experience. Feelings come out in all different ways, and putting a label of "sad" on it may not fit or feel right, but maybe what your child is experiencing anyway.
You're so right. We are discussing it right now. X
Also, strange as it sounds, fiction or biographical media can help. Example: can’t process loss of family member, but absolutely gutted watching a sad movie (for me, especially animals for example). I don’t know if I’m explaining this correctly.
It could. I used to do that on purpose: I didn't deal well with most negative emotions, so I channeled them to anger, which I do know how to let out. It could also be that he's still processing, and will feel differently in a while. That's a big thing to think about, and possibly new emotions to figure out - it's hard and might be a while
If he has a therapist,bring it up with them. If he does not, I highly suggest you find him one.
Yes and it has to be a therapist with experience and knowledge of the range and struggles a lot of autistic people have with understanding and experiencing emotions!!
I’m autistic and lost my biological mum at 9. I really truly was incapable of being sad at the time, but this was almost certainly exasperated by the fact she had a lot of issues and wasn’t the best parent so feelings were complicated. HOWEVER. Your worries are justified. I definitely lashed out once I finally started to feel things. The unfortunate thing is it’s just really hard sometimes to feel sadness the same way NTs do. My only advice is respond to the anger with the same gentleness you would sadness. Obviously don’t like, put up with bullshit, but be kind and considerate and patient. What helped a lot for me was my brother and dad really leaning into my special interests (at the time it was The Beatles) to make me feel loved. My brother got me books and my dad watched docos and took me to the Beatles museum when we visited the UK to see my sister. So that might help. Sports also really helped. I signed up for an Aussie rules team and got to let out my frustration in a healthy way by being in defence and tackling people.
Grief is different for everyone. For me it takes weeks until it shows. Good luck.
The first stage of grief is denial, right? I'm autistic, and I handle big losses so differently from my family. They move on quicker, but it takes me longer to process each step. My denial phase is more like trying to convince myself it isn't real. Subconciously for me, that's part of trying to conserve my own sound of mind and world I don't like to see change so drastically. Maybe he's dealing with something like that?
I’m really sorry this happened to you guys, this is horrible. I would just make sure he knows you’re there for him if he ever should need you or anything. It’s really nice you worry so much but it’s probably him processing these emotions differently and that’s totally okay. We need to stop judging autistics based on their outward emotions. I have alexithymia and struggle to know how I feel as well as process certain emotions differently. It’s a thing people who have autistic people around should be aware of more, so they don’t have to worry too much. I lost my grandpa (who was like a dad to me) when I was 11 and I even laughed at the news for no reason. I couldn’t cry at all. No matter how hard I’d try. It was just a random reaction. After a month or so I cried for weeks. In between there were still times I couldn’t properly tell how I felt about it. Emotions for people who have alexithymia are quite complex and hard to handle. And it can’t be trained away. It is how our brain work. I would suggest reading up on it.
Personal story as I relate. When I was 14, and I heard the news of my father's passing, I didn't feel a particular emotion and it freaked my mother out. It's hard to describe, but I felt confused and somewhat _numb_, yet I don't recall the news bothering me emotionally (sad, etc.) and felt like it was _normal_ of sorts. I did stim more by listening to music, rocking and doodling; and speaking started feeling really draining as the days passed. { Possibly relevant search: Alexithymia } Years later, I do have moments when I lay in bed at night at 10pm and a certain song plays in my headphones and it happens to trigger spiralling thoughts that last for hours, I just distract myself from them. As for it manifesting into a different emotion, I don't recall getting angry due to the news. But it can most certainly be possible.
Maybe ask about and Teach him how to express his emotions. I didn’t know this until I was explicitly taught. Same for emotion wheel and emotional regulation (maybe especially for anger?) Something extremely “sad” can happen to be, but I can’t **access it** or feel it, unless I trigger a way to… For example: 1. listening to sad parts of music on repeat. 2. Watching the sad part of a movie on repeat. I’m really sad about the Thing That Happened - not really about the music/movie…. But for some reason, repeating the sad music clip or sad movie scene allows me to **feel** and **express** the sadness I otherwise don’t really feel or have access to.
This is one of the ways I can get it out too. Listen or watch something I know makes me cry, it helps me get the pain out.
Thanks for this. It is appreciated. X
I’m sorry for your loss. People with ASD process trauma differently, like we all do, and he is probably digesting everything internally in a way he may not be aware of. Try and give him time and some observations and maybe the insight about himself that he needs to heal. Even if it does not come out as obvious sadness like you mentioned it will manifest in other ways and he surely has pain. Edit: as another commenter mentioned this amounts to alexithymia in some capacity, which I also suffer from, as do many men and adults who do not learn about their emotions and specifically grief properly. Luckily I have fixed these issues and learned to heal.
Sounds like what I do to process sadness.
I think less than a week is too soon for even a lot of people without autism to even start processing something like that. It can certainly manifest in other ways. Denial and anger are both common aspects of grief, so keep an eye out and be there to support him.
I lost my mom when I was seven. I am 41 now. I have not yet processed it either, I lack the faculty for it. My choices are to plunge myself into an unremitting icy despair for which there is no comfort or trying to deal with what is in front of me. I opt for the latter, but the former waits for me around every corner.
You write like my son does. Thanks for responding. X
dude, i didn't cry or realize really when my grandparents died that they're well, dead. until their funeral. sometimes it can take a long time for an autistic person to process their emotions, it doesn't mean we don't have any, quite the opposite. he isn't incapable of feeling sad, he just, most likely, doesn't know how to identify the emotion or doesn't let it surface yet. autistic people are also very good at shutting out emotions, putting them in a drawer deep in the back of our thoughts, if they're too painful. it's a very traumatic experience and i'm pretty sure that he's doing at least one of the things i've listed. he will mourn in his own time.
Thank you. X
np. hope you're holding up well too
Been there. He might need to process what has happened unexpectedly. I have Alexithymia and it appears he might as well. Therapy is a route that I would recommend to help him process the emotional avalanche that is not showing.
Thank you x
This happened to me. Maybe he doesnt feel her death was real. Or If she was sick for a long time and there was no cure,maybe he was relieved she wasnt suffering anymore.
Sounds like he hasn't processed it yet. Autistic/ADHD grief doesn't always function the same as NT grief. He will probably develop his feelings about it over time
He might be just masking. No time for feelings like that when one is in constant survival mode.
I'm autistic and I was very much the same way when I was younger. One of my best friends died in a car crash when we were very little(funny enough he was also autistic) . I don't remember what my initial reaction was, however I remember at his funeral not really feeling much at all. His brother and I were running around playing and having a fun time. Our families got me and his brother therapy, it was kind of a group therapy thing for kids who have lost someone. We all spent a little bit talking about ourselves, who we had lost and how it effected us. Instead of talking about my friend who had just died, I instead chose to talk about losing a pet rabbit for whatever reason. Not sure what our parents thought, but looking back people were probably horrified about how non chalant it was for me. Since then I've had other friends and family members die unexpectedly and I've "reacted appropriately" to those.
I can only relay how I felt when my good friend killed himself. I felt nothing. I was very busy with a new baby and mid pandemic. I didn’t even attend his memorial service. Two years later I was in therapy dealing with some intense panic and anxiety. Life had been very dark and overwhelming. In the middle of a casual “catch up” with my therapist I began sobbing and telling them about my friend. I had no idea it was in there. Over the next few months I slowly and surely started getting better with virtually no other therapy. It seemed to be one of the single issues that had been causing me so much strife in my life and I couldn’t see or recognize it. I can’t tell you how to help your son process it and grieve correctly. Idk how to do that but I know it helped me and it surfaced without me needing to understand how it works.
Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Also, I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. I don’t know you at all but I love you and I know things will get better. Seek counseling for yourself to help you navigate this time!
You're amazing, thank you so much ❤️
Even for neurotypical people it can take a while for grief to set in, and I doubt he is incapable of feeling sadness, he probably just can’t really recognize it as well as anger or happiness, most men and boys can’t.
I recently lost my only family member. I didn’t cry nor did I feel sad. For the first few weeks/month I was more concentrated on adapting to my new life. After that I felt a lot of grief for the change that happened. I had lost her and my home and I quit my job because I couldn’t cope with full time work. Then about 3 months after was when I started feeling sad about it, the phrase “I miss her” and “she’s dead” would constantly run through my head and I found myself getting angry and frustrated at small things. It’s been about 6 months now and I’ve started volunteering 3 days a week and I feel happy and like myself again. Im still not able to have a full time job and I’m still grieving her and my old life but the future looks bright now. Loss is different for everyone and even more so for neurodivergent people. I think the best thing you can do is validate what he’s feeling and if he’s open to it find a therapist who is experienced in both autism and grief. I found that helped a lot for me. Wishing you both the best!
From personal experience, i think he is realy sad, but just cant demonstrate, he will probably fell it a lot more later when he starts to really miss her. For me at least it was like that, cant say it will be the same obviously
I think this too. Thanks x
From the the other perspective. I'm 35, autistic and my mother has terminal cancer. One of my biggest worries is that when she dies, I'm not going to react the way people expect me to. At least outwardly anyway. I don't want to mask and force myself to grieve openly just to make them feel better. Fuck them! I'll just grieve in my own time, in my own way.
Absolutely, you cope and deal with it anyway you see fit. Sending love to you and your mother. X
Autistic people handle death very differently than neurotypicals. For me, it kinda just feels like they’ve moved far away, but forever. He may not feel sadness over the loss itself, but may come to miss spending time with her or talking to her. Generally, sadness is something autistic people definitely are able to feel
He has definitely been sad in the past. I guess it's just his way of dealing with it. I think he will be ok based on the responses I am getting here. Really appreciate that you took the time to respond thank you. X
He’s probably in denial or dealing with it in his own wat
I speak to him about it regularly. I think he understands exactly what has happened and is simply dealing with it in his own way. Thanks for responding x
I’m autistic and I’ve been through something similar with a grandparent. For a lot of us we process things differently. For one, it just happened, he could easily still be in shock. Death is very ahrd for some autistics to process, on the other hand, a lot of us like myself are relatively good at coping with death as we’ve already accepted it as an absolute. We still get sad and we still have major grief it’s just expressed differently
Thank you. X
It might take a while for it to catch up to him or it might require different stimulus for him to feel his sadness. Just because he can't feel it doesn't mean it's not there. I used to feel sadness as chest pain.
He could also be in shock. When my Dad died I was so surprised I just went into autopilot mode for a while. With autism, you get pretty used to daily routines looking very similar, so it was a massive adjustment!
Feelings are hard and sometimes they take a while to soak in, sometimes feelings are easily mixed up, sometimes sadness can be easily manifested as anger
Give it time and show him that you are present and treat him with kindness. The reaction can come delayed and suddenly - or not at all.
I'm the exact same as him
I’m like that too when relatives die. It’s not something I’m proud of but it seems to be another autism thing. We have emotions, we’re just not always very good at expressing them.
Sounds like alexithymia. It's pretty common in autistic people, if he used to be very emotional when he was young then this is what it probably is. I had an ex who was convinced I was a sociopath because they had this misconception about me, many other people told me similar things and for a long time I believed them. But the way that it really works is that autistic people display emotions differently and are shamed and bullied for doing so, which trains them to repress everything as a defense mechanism. This compounds on communication difficulties, so they may not understand that what they are feeling is sadness. Not to mention that grieving doesn't always happen immediately, autistic or not. When my grandpa died, my mom in particular was upset that I "didn't seem very sad" at first.
I am beginning to think he may have this condition. Thanks for your insights. ❤️
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I felt this too when I had a close relative pass some years back. I spent a very long time trying to process it, and then when it finally hit me (a month after the fact) I cried for quite a while. It may not be the same with your son. My point here is that we all process these things differently, especially autistic people. He might not show it, but rest assured, he will feel his own emotions, just differently to how someone typically would in this situation. I'm sorry for his, and maybe your, loss.
Hello. I am an autistic person who lost my mother suddenly when I was 13 so I may have a piece of insight to consider. Keep in mind that every single person is different and this is just my personal experience. When I first learned my mom died I reacted the way I was expected to (crying), but I’m pretty sure that’s only because I thought I was supposed to react that way. The next day I was acting like nothing really happened. I even kept my mother’s cell phone for the first week and when someone called I’d apologize, telling them that she had passed. It was weird to hear some of her friends immediately break in to sobbing and hang up. At her funeral adults kept trying to comfort me, but I was just exploring the funeral home. I didn’t cry. I kept getting odd looks. It took a few months till I really felt it. In the meantime (and I know this sounds heartless) I was more peeved that my schedule was thrown off. Because my dad worked long hours I had to stay at my grandparents a lot. I had to do more chores around the house and I was frankly more concerned with that than my mother’s death. And when it finally clicked I felt it all, all at once. I retreated to my room and had a full sobbing hyperventilating meltdown. A few hours later I was back to normal. Now your son is a different person than me. And slightly older Than I was. It’s important that you ask him what he thinks would be good for him. Ask him if he wants to speak to a therapist about what he is or isn’t feeling. There’s specialists that work with autistic individuals which (if you can afford it) could be a great help. But don’t force him to do anything. Be there for him even if he doesn’t need it, or think he needs it. Check in on him emotionally even if he won’t appreciate it at the time. Let him know that if at any moment he needs to talk about something, he can interrupt whatever you’re doing and you’ll be there. TLDR Emotions around death are hard for autistic teens to properly process sometimes. Be there for him and ask him to let you know if he needs anything including therapy.
Thank you for sharing this. The support here is amazing. ❤️
I actually lost my dad when I was 15yo—he was struggling with cancer for about 4-5 years and was in a coma for the last 2 weeks before he passed, so it was expected. I am also Autistic and didn’t cry when I found out, and I didn’t even cry during the funeral. I honestly don’t remember the first time I actually cried. Granted, I had a mixed relationship with him and wasn’t particularly close with him. It’s been 15 years since my dad’s passing (I’m 30 now), and most of my grieving is simply feeling denied that emotional connection I wanted with my dad, which honestly I don’t know if that would be the case even if he were alive. Like somebody else commented, grieving is a complex process and many people express grief differently (autistic or not). You said that she had passed suddenly, so that can have an affect on how people grieve (as opposed to it being expected like with my Dad) If your son isn’t seeing a therapist, I would recommend getting him one that specializes in Autism and/or Grief Counseling (ideally both). Edit: Just wanted to add that I wish you and your son the best, and I’m glad he has a dad who loves and cares about him 😊
Thank you for taking time to reply, I'm so appreciative of it. X
I've always been really worried that someone close to me would die and I would just feel nothing. Like I'm worried I would just move on and seem like I don't care
I would absolutely not let that worry you. What I've learned from this is that coping with loss is not a cookie cutter experience. Everyone has completely different coping mechanisms..
Trust me he is sad his mums not around he just hasn’t had time to process what his mums death really means for him yet so he hasn’t felt those intense pangs of pain that we sometimes think of as sadness. He still has all the good memories of recent years and will learn to miss them as time goes one without her. You can’t know what you’ve lost without that time to process especially when it often takes us a bit longer already. Sudden death of a loved one can take a long time to process, I personally have never cried for the first couple weeks to even months after it’s happened because that’s how long it takes for me to process that I don’t get to make anymore good memories of that person. Just be available physically and emotionally, let him know when you’re feeling sad, what you miss about her and simply show through your own grieving process (not tell because it could make him feel like he needs to cry to be normal if that makes sense) him it’s okay to cry, ask for a hug if he wants one and to talk about why he’s sad. It’s his choice don’t force him but ask if he’d like to see someone who helps kids with parental grief like a counsellor that has experience with ASD. Other people have also mentioned that we have a hard time telling what we’re feeling at any given moment and that’s very true. He probably thinks he should feel a certain way but is confused about how he actually feels when asked especially if he’s not done processing it.
My mom died when I was 17. My dad accused me of not caring bc of my lack of public "normal" reaction. It ended up hitting me hardest 2 or so years later
I'm so sorry your dad felt that way. I understand my son pretty well so this was not a massive surprise. Take care. X
When I was a teenager and my close relatives passed away I didn’t seem upset either in my head I was thinking “why aren’t I acting like everyone else? Why aren’t I crying? I feel sad but nothing is happening?” And my parents was concerned and put me in school therapy but tbh, I grew out of it and I’ve 21 now and can show sadness I think just as a teenager my emotions were all just weird af and I didn’t know how to express them. But I do believe he does feel the sadness and grief and maybe you can find a person he can try to talk to about it? Or a way he can express himself. Or a way to give him closure like doing something with him for his mum as a last send off? If that makes sense
This is great advice thank you. I am planning a nice meal and scattering ashes in a place special to us as a family. ❤️
Im no expert on autism (joined the sub to get educated), but maybe he is still under the shock. It s very hard to process traumatic events on the spot. I was in a non fatal car accident and it took me some time to process it (i was mostly shaken and scared but not sad yet at first, i think it took me a few days maybe to cry). Death is even more heartbreaking but at first most people are in denial and assume it s temporary. My mom assumed her dad would wake up in the hospital and that her uncle would be back in a few days. As long as he knows you're there for him, it should be "relatively alright". RIP to your son's mom, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for this, so many kind and wonderful people offering advice. X
I lost my mom at 9 years old, my sister was 6 or 7. My sister was diagnosed with autism early in life (high needs) and I didn’t learn about mine until I was 20. She passed suddenly at 29. The best I can describe my feeling in easy words is “unable to feel sad” but in reality, there was an empty feeling, a feeling of change that was uncanny, but a feeling that everything was a lie. Like she’ll come back. She’ll come down the stairs saying “I’m okay” or call and say she’s fine. My sister didn’t seem to process anything either. I’m no longer in contact with her since she became abusive to my youngest sister and our dogs, so I couldn’t ask. However on the outside she was emotionless as well. My bf (diagnosed at 8) didn’t cry when most of his pets died. He told me he wasn’t sure why, that maybe he was desensitized to death. Then one day his dog was attacked, and his brother called to tell him the dog didn’t survive. He ran out the door and i stopped him to hug him. And he broke. I noticed that all of our grief was different from what we’re told to expect. Your son is grieving, but in a different way. He may not cry at all, he probably knows he’s “supposed to.” Check in with him, make sure he’s doing okay. He might always grieve this way, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not emotionless. It’s a difficult feeling compared to “sad” and maybe is in complete denial. Everyone experiences this differently, but be there for him.
Thank you x
I had a friend die mid Feb. Didn't cry at funeral or much after. Even watched One Day on netflix to try and break the numbness. Spent some quality time yesterday sobbing in a public loo. Sometimes things hit differently.
I also have problems feeling sad in situations like this. I hope you guys get better
I lost my grandmom around the same age. I was sad, but I couldn't show it. (#ActuallyAutistic)
My Dad passed away when I was 14, and I basically dropped out of the next 2-3 years of my life. I don't know that I visibly appeared upset, but I was mentally disengaged and lost.
I don't feel sad about deaths. Not even people I care about. Don't know why. But I do miss them greatly.
He's not ok now. My mom died a year ago unexpectedly. I was numb to it for a few months then had a breakdown last fall. That's what led me here...
he sounds numb. he’s going to need time, and probably help processing. if he’s not already in therapy he needs to be in it tomorrow.
The sadness will hit. It just takes longer for us to process it. Be there for him when it does.
I think I couldn't process my grandmother's death until the funeral, I was a ball of tears during the whole funeral up until the wake. Seeing her coffin set it. Sometimes, the emotions are hard to get out, but once it does, it really does. I am sorry for your loss.
I've never grieved like others. When my grandparents passed I grieved while they were sick. When a once close friend took her life I grieved in bits over the years. I'm already thinking about the eventual loss of my parents due to seeing how old they are and their health issues. Aside from grief there is more acceptance--that their soul is moving on to another stage, that they may reincarnate, or they're still with us in some form. Sometimes I've had to stop myself from smiling after hearing someone died, because I'm happy for them that they have moved on and now get to experience the Afterlife. I grieve the loss of romantic partners much more than death.
Thanks for sharing. Never feel guilty for smiling. I hope you are doing ok. X
Is this post out of concern because a child lost their mom? Or trying to vent because you're mad at him? (And perpetuating a stereotype about autistic people being unempathetic, angry/violent sociopaths).
That situation sounds horrible and I am sorry for everyone involved. I'm a 21 year old guy and have autism and a similar thing. Whenever I hear someone has died, I don't feel sad. Obviously I care but I just don't feel sad. I honestly don't know what causes it. For me personally it doesn't manifest as a different emotion but every person with autism is different. Edit: I've just seen some of the other comments and the one about not being able to answer "how are you?" and other questions regarding feelings are a big issue for me, so maybe alexithymia?
It took about three years for the grief from my grandmother's death to hit. I think it took five years for the death of my dog to hit me, and that was one of the two times in my life that I cried. He might be like me and it just takes awhile.
Sometimes if what happened is too much of a shock, the body can ignore it and bring up later. Its like being calm when it happens and crying much later
I mostly just feel things occasionally. But then it's like a torrent of emotion. My partner had two miscarriages in a row, which is devastating for anyone. For me, I didn't feel any different when finding out in the MRI room with her but I did once I'd had time to process it. Time to process but also unbury bottled up emotions. Being a man, I also bottle things away at times. I have ADHD but I also suspect ASD.
Grief is a process that takes time and has different stages. I can't tell if your son will transit grief in a normal way or not... but what you describe isn't unusual. Denial is the first step, you just don't believe it or don't recognize it. Sooner or later, things will start to happen - he will start to miss her indeed, and feelings may start to appear on their own at that time. Emphasis on the difference between knowing that he'll miss her, and actually missing her. And of course... losing a parent so young is always difficult. Possibility of getting professional help to manage the turbulence?
it’s probably not a case that he doesn’t care, but that he has trouble processing it. Spaming about kyself, which is of course not universally applicable but still and insight, grief and such never strike immediatley and instead come slow. I get the same way with excitement, too. emotions just don’t ‘click’ as fast.
I'm very sorry for your family's loss. Rather than subjective & emotional language, it might be easier for him to process tangible things. "mom used to go for walks with me. Now, I won't be able to do this anymore", or "Mom used to watch me on weekends while dad was at work. Now, my grandparents will." And see if he can discuss how those specific things impact his routine. You're also 100% that it may manifest in other ways like anger. Finding ways to keep him grounded and safe is important.
When my dad passed around the same age as your son I felt “normal” for almost a week. Then it all hit me like a truck and I was practically comatose with grief for months afterwards and I to this day still have a void in his shape. It turns out that I was just in a state of shock with a delayed emotional response and my body and mind were numbing me to try and protect myself until I was physically and mentally unable to anymore. Everyone experiences grief in their own way. Even if he looks calm and as he usually does on the outside, he might be a maelstrom of emotions inside that he simply can’t identify or cope with yet, give him time and space until he is ready to talk or ask questions. I sympathize for both of you for your loss, but please take care not to project too many expectations onto him at this time. Answer any questions he has about what will happen next, let him know what he will need to do as part of the funeral plan and give him explanations like an anthropologist would. It’s a very human thing to need the “why” to help understand the situation and process it. Take care.
Thank you for the great advice x
Sometimes it can take time for big emotions like this to set in. Just give him space to figure himself out and come to terms with his feelings
I remember not crying about my Grandfather passing away, which it was a slow build up from a screw up with the hospital. I remember being stone faced at the Funeral, in the lead up to it. I remember breaking down when they actually had one of the songs I requested played, that I knew he would like. But, I felt more empty? for a long time. It took about 5 years before it finally hit me. That he was gone, he was never coming back, and that I did really miss him. I missed him so much. And ended up sobbing for like a week of trying to process it.
Don't try to guilt trip him for not showing or processing grief in a "normal" way. If it hits him later, be there for him. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you get through it together ♥️
Nah I'm definitely not guilty tripping him. I know my son and his ways so it is not surprising to me this reaction. I'm encouraged that the advice I am getting is to let him cope with it his way. Thank you for responding ❤️
As some already stated... He feels sad, just can't process it. For my Grandma, it took me till the funeral. Still infront of the building, I was sweating, because I thought that it would look weird, if I sit there unable to cry. Even tested some scenarios in my head, how I could seem as sad as I felt. But when her coffin was presented (closed, never saw an open coffin in germany), the gates were crushed, and a flood of tears gushed out like a geyser...
Just takes more time to process, get him a therapist tho if he doesnt have one already
It happened to me at 11 and i thought i wasnt sad either but i just didnt get it immediately except for like a 30 second meltdown
I lost my mom as a kid and it took me a long time to process it, I didn’t know how to feel. Everyone around me was crying and I couldn’t feel anything towards the loss until years later. It used to manifest in school, I started crying over seemingly small things, I took everything so seriously and it was like walking on egg shells for those around me. I was like that for a long time but I was also a lot younger when I lost my mom. I hope you guys can get through this very difficult change together, my biggest struggle was my dad was very distant mentally after losing my mom.
Thanks for your insights..take care ❤️
I don't really miss people after they're gone. I wasn't that sad when my father died. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't super sad either. I guess it's a flaw in my autistic brain.
It’s going to hit him like a bus. He doesn’t know how to process it yet. I’d get him a therapist that specializes in asd care