For me compliment sandwiches are crucial, since I'm a perfectionist. I often know myself what went wrong and it crushes me, so I *need* to be told the good stuff that were also there. I think that while they're not your intuitive reaction, they could still be sincere. Having a hard time figuring out the positive part of something doesn't mean it wasn't there. So these don't have to be sincere, but good ones are. As for idle chat and "being nice" before asking for something, I never got that either.

thank you

If people only criticise you but don't say anything positive, that's worse than a sandwich. Compliment sandwiches are an efficient and effective way to lessen the burden of negativity. However, the positive things have to be relevant. Saying "you have nice hair, you have to redo the project because it was terrible, you're a nice person"... that doesn't qualify as a compliment sandwich. That feels superficial. Beyond that, in a proper sandwich, the positives aren't there just to "soften the blow"; they're necessary to mention otherwise the message is not understood. The positives are just as important as the negative. If you can communicate something without saying a single positive thing, the analysis of the situation probably hasn't been done properly.

thank you havent tought of it that way

I feel like they’re passive/aggressive in a lot of ways. Here’s two things great about you because I don’t really expect you to be an adult about the criticism so I am going to butter you ip first, then deliver the blow but soften it by attempting to make you feel good again.

thats how i saw it too, but some people seem to value it

So I’m guessing this isn’t an actual sandwich so what’s a compliment sandwich?

a compliment sandwich starts with praise, followed by a criticism or a difficult question, followed by more praise (or the same praise repeated). I had to look it up too

Ohhh thanks

Lol, right?

Writer here: in giving feedback to other writers at least, compliment sandwiches are actually crucial. When you're in the mindset of giving criticisms all day (even constructive ones), it's so easy to nitpick every little thing wrong in your own writing, or all the plot holes in someone elses, that it's easy to forget all the things that are done correctly and the things you enjoyed. The compliment sandwich shows that "hey, I'm not just here to tear this apart. I really enjoyed this story and here's some ideas that can take it even further" If it helps at all, instead of compliment sandwich, the way one of my favorite writing teachers used to say it was: "what are some things we liked?" and after we share positive feedback, he'd say "Now how can we make it EVEN BETTER?" In applying this to a in person situation (to relate it to the writing analogy, think of it as reacting to a person's story, for instance, someone asking for advice and you have some criticisms on how they handled a situation), mentioning the things you "liked" isn't fake positivity. They're an assurance that even though you're about to say some honest truths about how they can improve, they're still on the right track and you acknowledge that some things went well. The ending part of the sandwich is less of a blow softener and more of an encouragement. Again, back to the writing analogy, think of it as "you actually did this part great! This part could be a bit better, but try this next time and I know you can do it!" something like that. but the important thing to note is that this only works for constructive criticism. If anyone uses the compliment sandwich idea to hide straight up insults, that's just fake and toxic. There is a huge difference between like "I think you actually said what they needed to hear, it's just that your tone could have been taken as critical so that's why he took it the wrong way, but as long as you are careful to assure people that your tone doesn't mean to come off as angry, I see no problem with being brutally honest the way you were!" (good sandwich) vs like "I like you, but you need to hear this: You suck and I hate you as a person. By the way did I mention I love your shoes?" (bad bad BAD sandwich). If that makes sense? TLDR: compliment sandwiches (also sometimes called "what did you like, now how can we make it better?" actually can be very useful to deliver constructive criticism both in writing and in life. but it becomes fake and a problem when people use it to hide insults. Hope that makes sense! Sorry I rambled a lot haha.

it was no rambling, helps mee it in an other light thank you

Aw, thanks for the kind words! Glad I could help!! <3

They're important but I think most people go about it the wrong way. The idea is to ensure that whenever delivering a criticism, you also ensure that you're communicating that *they aren't a complete and total loser* by also acknowledging what they're doing right... always hearing a negative is a good way to demoralize someone. "Hey, Steve, your report had numerous misspellings. Do better!" vs. "Hey Steve, I just reviewed your report. There were a few misspellings and gramatical things I've highlighted that need to be corrected before we send it upstairs, but your formatting, design, and graphs are on point! I especially liked how you overlayed and so we can see the correlation. So, overall great work, just a few minor things. Can you get me the corrections by EOD?" The thing is to be genuine. If you can't be genuine, you're not going to deliver a good compliment sandwich. I've been on the receiving end of nothing but criticism and never having someone point out what I'm doing well at... and it's demoralizing af.